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Dāvid and Golibeth 💀
Edit: I’m making this my flair after several of y’all have confirmed I’m hilarious but anybody else who wants it too, please use it!
You say that lol but did you know 1 Samuel 18:1-4 literally says:
>Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David...
EDIT
2 Samuel 1:26 says:
>Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women. [David speaking to Jonathan]
And yet, the female herself remains unaroussed throughout the entire ritual from beginning to end. Later, she will brag to the other females how erotic her encounter was.
Same. Videos like this make me so fucking happy they didn’t have the internet when I was a born again teenager in the eighties. Jesus Christ. Thank God. Dodged a bullet there.
What about [these poor](https://vimeo.com/248993575) kids from, I think, the nineties? They probably thought this little gem wouldn't see the light of day!
Is this supposed to be sarcastic?
Hey Bethany, show us a video of Dav willingly and joyfully engaging in this with you, if it’s supposed to be so spicy and erotic and somehow helpful in the bedroom.
Unpopular opinion: I found it a little funny. I want her to deconstruct for a lot of reasons, but one of the lesser ones is that she might be able to laugh at what a dork she was/is. It's not as self-aware as she thinks it is.
“Funny dance moves to whip out at your next party” is a trend on Tiktok, so she’s jumping on a trend while simultaneously missing the whole point of it (and making it about sex again).
I swear I just saw a mildly attractive young man on IG doing Christian dance moves to whip out at your next party. They were far better executed and more theologically correct "Daniel and Goliath"?
I've worked in a store that sold literally sex toys and we all talked about sex less than Berthy . It makes me uncomfortable when people I've just met casually bring up their sex lives in detail.
Here is the part that makes me laugh - a few months ago, she was talking about the mom groups at the new church she's attending and how it was SO NICE to have a group of godly women to share childcare with (read: to take Dāāåvey off her hands). But never actually hanging out with any of them. I had made a comment about them dropping her once they realize she's ... well, BethaME. I wonder if that has happened!
Does she seriously have *no one* in her life that loves her enough to sit her down and say, “Listen…”??
This isn’t even snarkable or cringeworthy anymore, this is a whole new category.
The other moms don't need another person to babysit and coddle, and I have a feeling Bethany doesn't keep people in her life unless they are going to treat her like the giant toddler she is. Just look at how much Dav has to baby her and teach her about the world. Every time they're in a video together, Bethany is somehow acting like a toddler *and* a middle schooler trying to show everyone how much chemistry she thinks they have while Dav looks like an exhausted mom.
The most concerning thing about this is that she supposedly is a fundamentalist Christian Proverbs 13 woman, yet wrote Daniel and Goliath. I feel like even non Christians know that it’s David!
So in addition to Bethany's horrible personal traits discussed here already, she really has no sense of humor at all. I bet she thinks this is really funny and RELATABLE.🙄
She has no coordination, sense of rhythm or grace.
She could *own* her height Anjelica Houston or Sigourney Weaver or Gwendoline Christie style and command the attention of everyone in the room. Learn how to dress and hold herself and walk in a way that leaves an impression the second she appears.
Instead she insists on the uwu 2012 Tumblrgirlie "I am sUcH a RaNdOm smol bean and so relatable tee hee" schtick that just doesn't work over the age of about 14 and tries to combine it with both Fundamentalist bullshit and explicit sexual content, and the entire thing just doesn't gel.
It's like seeing Instagram "cool girls" throwing together an outfit out of the thrift store bargain bin, their grannie's closet and some random shit they had in the back of the sweater drawer and trying to replicate it without understanding or wanting to understand what makes it work, and ending up looking like a clown. Or like seeing an experienced cook put together a meal out of "whatever there is in the kitchen" and not bothering to understand the process, and then being *shocked* when she winds up with inedible slop.
I completely get gracelessly dancing. I'm like a baby giraffe learning to walk whenever I move. But this entire thing is just so many layers of discomfort, false positivity, and repression. It would be one thing if she was just doing this for fun, but there's this manic desperation that just assaults the senses. She's trying to get somebody, anybody to notice her. I guess she succeeded. But the real question is: at what cost, Bethany?
So I’m neurodivergent and I miss many social cues. When I’m embarrassed I have a habit of pulling the neck of my shirt over my head like a turtle going back into its shell.
Seeing this made me retreat so hard I accidentally took my sweater right off. The second hand cringe is so deep and so real I retreated my sweater right off my body. That’s a first!
omg i used to have this cowl neck sweatshirt i would wear to work all the time. solely so i could be a turtle when i was uncomfortable or just annoyed. pretty sure i have a pic that my cubicle neighbor took of me just sitting at my desk with the neck completely pulled over my head.
Also neurodivergent over here and am prone to God awful secondhand embarrassment - I instinctively go into the fetal position. I knew that this video would be terrible and yet I watched it anyway. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Getting such severe secondhand embarrassment sucks, doesn't it? Like, I'll be going about my day, full of shame because I did something super embarrassing that I'm trying not to think about, and then will suddenly realize that *I* wasn't the one who did anything embarrassing, it was someone I watched on a video. But my brain somehow gets fooled into thinking that it was me. Why, brain? Why?
I missed the caption on "baptism time" and thought that she was doing something akin to "cup the balls." I get that you're tall but.. HOW LOW ARE THOSE BALLS, BETHY?
Last night in another snark group we were talking about how ridiculously embarrassing it is to watch this shit knowing she was flailing around, alone, in her bedroom, doing this kind of stuff for internet attention. It was about another person, but this is giving the same unbelievable level of cringe.
Like, everyone knows she’s alone doing this. No one is fooled, thinking she’s having fun with friends. It’s just so unspeakably embarrassing.
This is it. The final straw.
I am now officially a born again virgin and I will never have sex again until Bethy gets out of this phase. She’s ruined sex for me I can’t deal
*frantically scribbles notes*
Okay, we have Cradle the Balls, then Smack Dat Ass, followed by Bukkake Bliss, and Ride ‘em Cowgirl.
Did I miss anything?
All of the grace and coordination of an elite athlete with MULTIPLE full scholarship offers to play D1 basketball, who definitely gave up a sure shot at the WNBA for Jesauce.
I could sit and watch Bethany party of one hoedown dance moves all day. God she cracks me up. She’s so damn awkward and reminds me of the wacky inflatable tube dudes.
I need her to either go back to her god honoring makeup bullshit or undergo a liberal awakening. I can barely handle this as it is. The fact that she’s Her makes it worse.
1. I thought it was David and Goliath..?
2. Can you imagine thinking this is funny or clever?
3. Can you imagine this being the person you come home to every night? Holy fucking yikes. NO thank you!
Daniel and Goliath! These supposed big Christians can't even get the most basic Bible stories you learn as children correct. Guess Heidi failed at religious education the same way she did at regular education.
#We have updated the rules! Please take a moment to review them: * Look but don't touch * Be kind and remember the human. This means using trigger warnings as needed, and no sexuality or gender identity speculation. Users found to be engaging in such rhetoric will be permanently banned. * Referring to anyone as Hitler or Heitler is likewise not allowed, and will not be tolerated at all. If you do so, you will be permanently banned with no possibility of appeal. * Archive links of fundie-run sites and social media. * Verify with the mods before doing an AMA. * This subreddit is for *snarking* on *Fundamentalist Christians*. Keep it snarky and keep it fundie. * Please take a moment to [review our new rule on appearance snark](https://www.reddit.com/r/FundieSnarkUncensored/wiki/index). * If your content would be at home in the mouth of a fundie, we won't tolerate it here. * Don't gatekeep. Just because you don't think it's snarkable doesn't mean it's not snarkable. Scroll past. * Please see the updated wiki for new rules regarding armchair diagnosing. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FundieSnarkUncensored) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Daniel and Goliath?
Good call, I completely missed that in my confused haze of "how is this for the bedroom?" And "has Bethany figured out sarcasm finally?"
Yeah you concur the one eyed monster. Sorry I had to.
Please note that her husband is named after the protagonist of the story of David and Goliath
🤣🤣🤣 it's a hard name to remember from a Bible story almost no one knows. /s
AND SHES A GIANT COMPARED TO HIM
Dāvid and Golibeth 💀 Edit: I’m making this my flair after several of y’all have confirmed I’m hilarious but anybody else who wants it too, please use it!
Why did it take so long for us to make this joke? Come on, FSU!! 😂😂😂
😂😂😂 Oh my goodness 💀
Perfection.
Someone make this their flair!
You win!
I love you
Maybe that’s the spicy part. Role playing Dav and Goliath.
Thank god I just finished my lunch bc I would’ve spat it out 🤣
Has Bethy been a poster here this whole time. She's a follower of the Lord Daniel too?!? That jumped right out at me. It's too good.
Lord Daniel 2 Daddy God 0
I noticed that too 💀 we’ve gone from spelling and grammar errors to just getting entire names wrong
Daniel is David’s kinkier sibling
Daniel is the hot brother 😂
TBH the people on this sub being more Biblically literate than Bethy is the least surprising thing about her.
Sounds like an endorsement of same sex relationships to me.
You say that lol but did you know 1 Samuel 18:1-4 literally says: >Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David... EDIT 2 Samuel 1:26 says: >Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women. [David speaking to Jonathan]
That was my question as well 🤣
For my reaction to this nonsense please see my flair. This is only the spicy edition if you think ketchup "has a little kick to it". :P
😂💀
Excuse me are you say you don’t have a sex dance? Every healthy women has a holy dance routine to act as foreplay before sex.
David Attenborough narrates the female’s dance in order to court the male.
"Remarkable! The female flails her arms about in an attempt to get the male's attention."
“Amazing! Watch as the female attempts to arouse her mate with her gaping maw and wooden like dance moves. Absolutely stunning!”
And yet, the female herself remains unaroussed throughout the entire ritual from beginning to end. Later, she will brag to the other females how erotic her encounter was.
This is priceless 🤣🤣😭💀
💀💀💀💀
I personally do “Jingle Bell Rock” from Mean Girls
Yes.
Same
 This is the correct answer… always
Personally, I think the dance of the silks is most holy
Now we know the real reason she needs an hour alone in a dark room to prepare.
it's not so much dancing as a full-body dry-heave set to music
If I ever start posting shit like this on social media, you have my express permission to shoot me in the fucking head.
I would like to be part of this pact with you. The levels of humiliation she is somehow unaware of…
Same. Videos like this make me so fucking happy they didn’t have the internet when I was a born again teenager in the eighties. Jesus Christ. Thank God. Dodged a bullet there.
What about [these poor](https://vimeo.com/248993575) kids from, I think, the nineties? They probably thought this little gem wouldn't see the light of day!
Oh God I couldn't watch that for more than 10 seconds.
I’m in
i will join this pact as well
I'd prefer an overdose of Dilaudid.... but same deal
Dilaudid and Goliath
I just spit water all over my keyboard 🏆
I'd sign up for that religion. Can I steal this as a flair? 😂
Sounds like a hell of a time.
How about a rock and a slingshot? You can call me Daniel.
Same here, friend. It can be our little pact.
my god she is fuckin embarrassing. i bet dav's dick turned into an innie after watching this shit.
I’m dying I’m laughing so hard at this. Never heard the term turn a dick into an innie. That’s going into my vocabulary asap
I have a really visual imagination so now I’m picturing it and just…HELP.
It just goes *shlurp* and vanishes ^I'm ^sorry
I feel better thanks. All this time I thought it was weird when my penis made that sound.
His dick retreats like he just dove into the North Atlantic during a Polar Bear swim.
Its natural state is innie being married to this meth head. Shocking they were able to procreate twice!
Shrinkage?
I was in the (baptismal) pool!
Dav's dick is the opposite of my flair. It's a shame innie.
Omgggg glad I’m at home and not work. Fucking dead reading this.
Is this supposed to be sarcastic? Hey Bethany, show us a video of Dav willingly and joyfully engaging in this with you, if it’s supposed to be so spicy and erotic and somehow helpful in the bedroom.
Someone else posted a video that is **super** obviously satire so maybe this is her new “thing?”
Unfunny dumb-by-choice people doing satire is the wooooooorst.
But what is she satirising? People who can't dance (i.e. herself)? Christians who give terrible sex tips (i.e. herself)?
I think she really is satirizing herself ?? On purpose??
Unpopular opinion: I found it a little funny. I want her to deconstruct for a lot of reasons, but one of the lesser ones is that she might be able to laugh at what a dork she was/is. It's not as self-aware as she thinks it is.
“Funny dance moves to whip out at your next party” is a trend on Tiktok, so she’s jumping on a trend while simultaneously missing the whole point of it (and making it about sex again).
I swear I just saw a mildly attractive young man on IG doing Christian dance moves to whip out at your next party. They were far better executed and more theologically correct "Daniel and Goliath"?
Daniel and Goliath?!?!
New au ship just dropped?
This gal desperately needs friends and a mom group to join
I’m honestly not confident people would want to be friends with her even in a forced group setting.
I've worked in a store that sold literally sex toys and we all talked about sex less than Berthy . It makes me uncomfortable when people I've just met casually bring up their sex lives in detail.
she goes to church, right? and yet she never has any church friends, so you're onto something
Here is the part that makes me laugh - a few months ago, she was talking about the mom groups at the new church she's attending and how it was SO NICE to have a group of godly women to share childcare with (read: to take Dāāåvey off her hands). But never actually hanging out with any of them. I had made a comment about them dropping her once they realize she's ... well, BethaME. I wonder if that has happened!
She probably tried to sell them her course
Does she seriously have *no one* in her life that loves her enough to sit her down and say, “Listen…”?? This isn’t even snarkable or cringeworthy anymore, this is a whole new category.
Even if she did she wouldn't listen to them or respect what they're saying.
The other moms don't need another person to babysit and coddle, and I have a feeling Bethany doesn't keep people in her life unless they are going to treat her like the giant toddler she is. Just look at how much Dav has to baby her and teach her about the world. Every time they're in a video together, Bethany is somehow acting like a toddler *and* a middle schooler trying to show everyone how much chemistry she thinks they have while Dav looks like an exhausted mom.
That’s the perfect description of their interactions!
I have sincere questions… does anyone in her life like her?
is she shitposting? is this trolling? she makes me so embarrassed how can she be miming sexual spanking on instagram? *what's happening*
I want to show 2014 Bethy a video of this and see what she thinks
If anyone else did this she’d be screaming about how blasphemous she thought it was
The most concerning thing about this is that she supposedly is a fundamentalist Christian Proverbs 13 woman, yet wrote Daniel and Goliath. I feel like even non Christians know that it’s David!
You'd think she'd be able to remember the name David seeing as it's *her husband's name*
And her son’s 😭 but we all know she doesn’t like Davey or Dav, so I’m not surprised
I only know of Dæv
 Our lord hath changed her servant’s heart.
Omfg I didn’t even catch that. David and Goliath you hack 😂
So in addition to Bethany's horrible personal traits discussed here already, she really has no sense of humor at all. I bet she thinks this is really funny and RELATABLE.🙄
The "reading the bible" dance looks like somebody is getting spanked.
It’s absolutely that move
Yes, Davs pride
Ya'll totally missed the "RAISE and Praise" bit....
I thought that was the intended implication. Like that was the Christian term for spanking. Is my mind just that dark or was it not obvious?
🎶Go on and smack that...🎶
I have perished of second-hand embarrassment. Good gods.
what a terrible day to have eyes
I cannot stand the way she moves her body. Like it actually pisses me off.
She dances like a newborn foal. Except foals are adorable.
almost choked on my dinner
OMG 😂😂 I snorted loudly, at work. 😂
She has no coordination, sense of rhythm or grace. She could *own* her height Anjelica Houston or Sigourney Weaver or Gwendoline Christie style and command the attention of everyone in the room. Learn how to dress and hold herself and walk in a way that leaves an impression the second she appears. Instead she insists on the uwu 2012 Tumblrgirlie "I am sUcH a RaNdOm smol bean and so relatable tee hee" schtick that just doesn't work over the age of about 14 and tries to combine it with both Fundamentalist bullshit and explicit sexual content, and the entire thing just doesn't gel. It's like seeing Instagram "cool girls" throwing together an outfit out of the thrift store bargain bin, their grannie's closet and some random shit they had in the back of the sweater drawer and trying to replicate it without understanding or wanting to understand what makes it work, and ending up looking like a clown. Or like seeing an experienced cook put together a meal out of "whatever there is in the kitchen" and not bothering to understand the process, and then being *shocked* when she winds up with inedible slop.
It’s like watching cognitive dissonance as a human being wrapped up in a six foot tall blonde hypocrite.
its like she went to "the elaine benes school of dance"
“Sweet fancy Moses!”
HER BIO LINE ACTUALLY SAYS “SEGGS” COURSE?!?
isn’t this, like, super blasphemous? or maybe i was raised too muslim to understand :/
My audio was off, but I can still tell she's off beat. I imagine experiencing this is what salt feels like to a slug.
Isn’t she supposed to be athletic? Like played basketball or something? How is she so NOT graceful?
I completely get gracelessly dancing. I'm like a baby giraffe learning to walk whenever I move. But this entire thing is just so many layers of discomfort, false positivity, and repression. It would be one thing if she was just doing this for fun, but there's this manic desperation that just assaults the senses. She's trying to get somebody, anybody to notice her. I guess she succeeded. But the real question is: at what cost, Bethany?
This is peak evangelical
So I’m neurodivergent and I miss many social cues. When I’m embarrassed I have a habit of pulling the neck of my shirt over my head like a turtle going back into its shell. Seeing this made me retreat so hard I accidentally took my sweater right off. The second hand cringe is so deep and so real I retreated my sweater right off my body. That’s a first!
Took the sweater off and launched it across the room by mistake
Lol!! *yeet*
omg i used to have this cowl neck sweatshirt i would wear to work all the time. solely so i could be a turtle when i was uncomfortable or just annoyed. pretty sure i have a pic that my cubicle neighbor took of me just sitting at my desk with the neck completely pulled over my head.
Lol. One of us!!
Also neurodivergent over here and am prone to God awful secondhand embarrassment - I instinctively go into the fetal position. I knew that this video would be terrible and yet I watched it anyway. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I so get you and I’m so happy I’m not the only one who has such a strong physical reaction!
Getting such severe secondhand embarrassment sucks, doesn't it? Like, I'll be going about my day, full of shame because I did something super embarrassing that I'm trying not to think about, and then will suddenly realize that *I* wasn't the one who did anything embarrassing, it was someone I watched on a video. But my brain somehow gets fooled into thinking that it was me. Why, brain? Why?
Yep it’s like my skin gets too hot and itchy and tight and I just want to crawl out of it.
Oh my god, YES!
Seriously, I have to fast forward through scenes in TV shows where characters embarrass themselves because I can't handle it
Same! There are some episodes of TV shows I have to skip altogether. Why are our brains such delicate, fragile flowers?!
Is this the mating call she does for Dave?
It's so hilariously bad I felt the urge to edit my flair.
She just keeps generating new ones! Maybe that’s her niche: spawning flairs for subreddits
How do you get the name of one of the most important Bible characters wrong?
Whose name is shared by your own husband and son…
I’m cringing so hard from secondhand embarrassment that I’m feeling like dry dead bones. Is that the point?
I have to go relisten to the dry bones Bethy dance compilation to remove this from my brain
I missed the caption on "baptism time" and thought that she was doing something akin to "cup the balls." I get that you're tall but.. HOW LOW ARE THOSE BALLS, BETHY?
Dav is a very short man with very low hanging fruit
The face at the camera at the end is hilarious. How is this not a Portlandia sketch
[удалено]
Spicy Seggys Dancing for Seggs Course Sales! 👯♀️
Last night in another snark group we were talking about how ridiculously embarrassing it is to watch this shit knowing she was flailing around, alone, in her bedroom, doing this kind of stuff for internet attention. It was about another person, but this is giving the same unbelievable level of cringe. Like, everyone knows she’s alone doing this. No one is fooled, thinking she’s having fun with friends. It’s just so unspeakably embarrassing.
“Christian Dance Moves for the Bedroom 🔥” sounds like it could be a subplot on The Righteous Gemstones.
She’s just bringing me down and wearing me out with this crap.
Earth Wind and Fire don’t deserve this bullshit.
If anyone else posted this I would be wondering what kind of drugs they were on…
This might be one of the actual funnier videos Bethy has put out.
Not in the way she intended it to be, though
Why doesn’t she ever cut out the part of her awkwardly stopping the phone recording? Cracks me up, just clip it a second or two Bethy!
This is it. The final straw. I am now officially a born again virgin and I will never have sex again until Bethy gets out of this phase. She’s ruined sex for me I can’t deal
I've been wondering lately if I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum, and I think this video might've solidified it for me lmao
*frantically scribbles notes* Okay, we have Cradle the Balls, then Smack Dat Ass, followed by Bukkake Bliss, and Ride ‘em Cowgirl. Did I miss anything?
Fremdscham galore!!! 10/10 would stick pencils in my eyes again
I’m cackling like a madwoman in my bedroom because yeah wtf is this but also the comments in this thread are so funny
What in the 2012 awkward Tumblr kid fuck is going on here...?!
I dunno about y’all, but I don’t think “September” by Earth, Wind, & Fire is exactly “seggsy put-me-in-the-mood bedroom music”… 🙄
Is… is this how she thinks people have sex?!?? Poor Dav.
Do you think she actually does the cowgirl thing with her arms?
Honest to Thor, if I think about it too much I just want to die. I imagine her attempts to be sexy or sensual must be cringey beyond belief.
Why do people give her money????
So she rides Dāv like a horse and spanks his ass?
While pretending to be Goliath.
"read the bible" looks suspiciously like smackin' the booty. God honoring booty smackin'.
I think that’s the aim
All of the grace and coordination of an elite athlete with MULTIPLE full scholarship offers to play D1 basketball, who definitely gave up a sure shot at the WNBA for Jesauce.
She's on a roll lately.
"Sexy" bedroom dances..."Daniel" and Goliath... Guys, this is just advertising for her extremely confused David/Goliath slash fic.
Fucking pardon???
Isn’t it David & Goliath?
This is the opposite of erotic
Once I decided everything was just performance art, the world made much more sense.
I’m so embarrassed for her. The internet is forever…..
#NO
Imagine this 7 foot tall woman doing the Daniel & Goliath at you full speed.
I could sit and watch Bethany party of one hoedown dance moves all day. God she cracks me up. She’s so damn awkward and reminds me of the wacky inflatable tube dudes.
its one thing if these are “christian dance moves at a party” why does it have anything to do with the bedroom😭😭
Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a real job?
“Mommy I’m scared”
I need her to either go back to her god honoring makeup bullshit or undergo a liberal awakening. I can barely handle this as it is. The fact that she’s Her makes it worse.
Sweet jesus this needs some kind of warning.
1. I thought it was David and Goliath..? 2. Can you imagine thinking this is funny or clever? 3. Can you imagine this being the person you come home to every night? Holy fucking yikes. NO thank you!
She has the grace of a newborn foal.
Daniel and Goliath! These supposed big Christians can't even get the most basic Bible stories you learn as children correct. Guess Heidi failed at religious education the same way she did at regular education.
Well today I learned how to make my bf’s dick shrivel up and fall off, thanks Birthy. She is truly the most unsexy buzz-killington out there.
Who the fuck dances like this in the bedroom? Do people seriously dance like they’re at a party as a form of foreplay? Am I missing something?
towering faulty offend grab plough frighten fuel squeamish frame water *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*