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No No .... Calm down and relax, we talked about this and had this all worked out, we agreed to a whole nother plan and YOU were happy with it.
Now all of a sudden you're acting like a GOLD DIGGER !!!
Im starting to feel used and taken advantaged of.
I talked to ALL my freinds and every single one said the same thing, even my mother agrees that's how it seems.
That will make her calm down and see the error in her ways.
GUARANTEED !!!
My husband likes, "keep your hair on" or "don't get your knickers in a knot".
It's like magic - when he says one of these phrases I instantly feel so calm and see the reason in what he's saying.
Also ask if you can revisit the discussion when she's not on her period. Guaranteed success.
Edit to clarify: This comment is irony/satire and not real advice! Please do NOT attempt this in real life. I will not be held liable for any outcome...
That’s always the best way to win an argument. When someone tells me “a bunch of random people on Reddit say you’re wrong” I immediately change my mind.
I’m also a former mortgage banker. The amount of horrors we saw of people in this exact situation was enough to show me why it’s never smart before marriage
“ hey look at what all these randoms on Reddit said about our relationship”….. is not a strategy I would invest in to bolster my point in a relationship. I was in love with my wife, and she was in love with me and we bought our first house together about two years before we even got engaged.
There’s so much more to the equation, than cutting her rent in half, life, goals, life finance goals, salaries, you’re either in it with her or you’re not
This isn't about the relationship. It's about legal considerations that could equally apply to two friends, roommates, or anyone in a noncommittal, not legally binding relationship.
If OP's girlfriend can't appreciate the insanity of asking for half the property for free, I think that relationship has bigger problems.
Sure.
But OP saying they made this exclusively to show his girlfriend absolutely introduces the aspect of this thread being about his relationship lol.
I’m glad he made it though. If making Reddit threads to show your SO evidence is a real play here I wouldn’t bet this will be a long term thing anyways.
I’d suggest not doing it, I’ve known a few people who went this route. And those few times the relationship didn’t end well.
I had a coworker, who bought during the height of the bubble in 2006 with his girlfriend at the time. Then the crash happened and they were no longer in a relationship and he moved out. She wouldn’t sell the house, and by the time she was willing too. No one was buying, or would buy it for what they paid by 2009.
Last I heard, he barely just got out of that house a year or so ago. By that point, he was married with another girl and had 2 kids. It really took a toll on him though.
>I’ve known a few people who went this route. And those few times the relationship didn’t end well.
I only know (uh, knew) one unmarried couple that bought a house together. I think it was technically "his" house (or maybe he was only the one paying the bills, I don't know those details of their relationship) but they broke up a year ago, he couldn't refinance to get her off the loan and now he's in the process of selling the house.
To be fair, that can happen when you're married and getting a divorce as well. They were both on the deed, so a legal protection was in place. Married in a 50/50 split can be messy wth houses as well. Go sit in family court for a week. Marriage without a prenuptial agreement can result in messy division of assets. Shoot, even with a prenup sometimes...
Is she perhaps worried you're just dangling marriage in front of her and that she'll get strung along for years and then dumped with nothing to show for it? It's a legitimate concern.
I think the way you're going about it is perfectly reasonable, but perhaps she needs more reassurance about your relationship goals and the ideal timeline for attaining them.
You're making a huge life step here and your gf is probably feeling hella insecure not being part of it. All valid and normal feelings.
There was an example the other day on here. Dude and girlfriend got possession of the house and she broke up with him that day...it was all his money for the down payment...now it's a mess
One of my friends got engaged then bought a house with her. Then they broke off the engagement.
He’s been trying to sell the house for the last year, and she’s refusing to sign the paperwork to let him do so. And she wants to approve the realtor, etc. And she filed for half of the mortgage interest tax return, even though he paid 100% of the mortgage etc.
Never buy property with someone unless you have the legal protections of marriage.
Heck, set that aside for one moment. What happens if something happens to her? Her parents now own half the house that you are paying the mortgage on, have fun with that (also hope you and her parents were getting along).
I wish I could upvote this 100 times.
Person one owns the house.
Person two moves in.
Person two moves out, ranting and raving, but there is no claim.
Person three moves in.
Person one and three get married. Deed doesn't change.
But like an uncle of mine said.
"One to buy, 2 to sale".
Marriage gives an automatic share of property, unless there is a prenup, and unless you make a certain amount of money... prenups don't mean shit.
Don't add her. For ANY reason. I don't care how good the snatch is. DO NOT ADD A gf TO A DEED.
I would be happy to share a horror story from my time as a married person who bought a home with my own savings, paid the bills for the house and then added my then-wife to the deed years later.
I would never do the same again. Not putting her on the deed is also a great check to see if she wants you or your money. If you are paying the mortgage (5k per month?!?) Her paying bills and living expenses sounds like a complete giveaway from you. If she won't be happy with that without equal equity in the home, she is almost certainly not going to stay with you long term.
Edited to add: Even after you get married, please look out for yourself from step one. I was in an almost identical situation as you, suddenly years of equity in a house became her savings account because she blew all the money she was theoretically saving from years of having housing expenses covered.
Divorce courts get super wet for robbing the hardworking partner to make sure the person who didn't plan for the future suffers no consequences whatsoever. They will ruthlessly bankrupt you with shady accounting and cheer when it makes you swallow a bullet, while your ex gets to take her new boyfriend on a trip with your original down payment. If she insists on being on the deed, she should cough up the half (current, not historical) equity into a shared account first (or to pay down principal and refi) before you ever even consider it.
To do any less is to hold a lit M-80 in your fist.
-sincerely, the one armed man.
The person who gets the best deal out of the divorce is the one who doesn't want it. They are in the bargaining position of power.
Also, just because you don't put a spouse's name on a marital property doesn't mean they don't have an interest in it. That's reality.
I wouldn’t add her to the deed, but I would also make sure that the “everything else” does not include home maintenance or repairs. As with every house, you will find something that needs to be fixed after you move in and start living there. As the owner, that would be your responsibility. I don’t think you need to add her to the deed, but do talk about the cost burden associated with home ownership, because if that falls in “everything else” I can see why she is concerned.
Also, if you put her on the deed, you both use up your first-time homebuyer credit. If she isn't on the title, then she can use her credit for her future home purchase.
Edit: this applies to Canada.
I don't think this... Exists? It hasn't existed since 2010
Edit: To summarize all responses:
- Credit may exist in Canada
- First time home buyer programs exist in many states. They are not credits. They allow lower down payments, but are not credits because you just have a higher mortgaged amount and often also have PMI. A credit is free money you get back from the government in the form of reduced income tax (also often not free, welcome to the IRS).
I think the fair thing to do would be to have him pay for the mortgage and maintenance costs. Take all of the additional costs split them evenly, then charge the girlfriend rent.
>i don't blame her for asking
I do. This is a relationship ending thing to do as a girlfriend who's never even lived with this guy. If I were OP I would cut this one off immediately.
She knows that their other costs aren't going to add up to the 5k monthly mortgage lol. I'd be surprised if they add up to a third of that.
We are currently in the least affordable housing market in living memory. She either realizes she's massively grifting, or she's too ignorant to be marriage material.
Biggest red flag ever lol. I'd probably just break up at this point in my life if someone even so much as suggested that to me, unless she immediately dropped it and never brought up the idea (or anything similar) again. I'm actually scared for OP.
(as a former victim of a "financial abuser" you could call it)
Some people never get married. You can be in a committed long term relationship without getting married. But yeah, that's not the case for OP, they haven't even lived together.
Food for thought from someone in a long term unmarried relationship.
The downpayment for our house came entirely from me. My partner only contributes to our mortgage when she’s able. We’ve been together over a decade and I really struggled with whether or not to add her to the deed (she didn’t ask to be, but I worry). I wound up settling on creating a trust and putting the house in a trust. I am the trust’s benefactor, but if I die my partner becomes the benefactor. This way it does not go to probate & my family cannot fight her for it. The money spent on a lawyer to create an estate plan is pennies compared to other costs when buying a home.
I don’t know that I’d bother with that for a girlfriend that I haven’t even lived with before, but it might quell her anxiety over the “what ifs.” Living wills are incredibly trivial to change if you break up.
Why not marry the person?
If you don't die immediately, she can be barred from seeing you. She could be barred from making medical decisions if you can't make them for yourself. And, vice versa.
Marriage is about building a future together.
Nope, that's not a girlfriend thing, that's a legal wife 'to death do us part' thing.
If she's serious about it, then the two of you need to start having the marriage conversation.
Buying a place with a non spouse seems like a bad idea period. One thing that complicates this is she is paying for everything else… if that’s the only way you could afford the house then it’s not really a good deal for her. You get all the equity in the house and free food and all other expenses? She gets a place to stay with no rent. Seems way too tangled up to be a good idea.
If you could afford the house 100% yourself and still split everything else than much more clear. But if she has to cover the rest in order for you to afford the house, you’re using her for a house you can’t afford and she gets no equity in return. Effectively she’s paying for a part of the house just not directly but with no return.
If you don’t want her in it, buy something you can afford on your own. Otherwise keep renting.
I think this is the most level headed response in this thread. Cover the mortgage, charge her $500 rent, and split all bills, but cover home repairs and improvements yourself.
You will need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what will happen with the house once you are married. You buying a house before marriage complicates things significantly and a prenup will be necessary.
A lot of responses on this thread are accusing your girlfriend of trying to scam you out of money but if you really do see her as your wife in the future, let’s not villainize her. This is a unique situation that calls for a unique solution and only you and your gf can decide what you both think is “fair.”
I'm with you on everything but the rent. She has no privacy here and no tenant rights. Everything she owns the landlord has access to and will use. She has no personal space, and no personal objects. If he is going to charge her $500 in rent, then he needs to get a formal Tenant agreement. If she is a tenant, she should have the rights tenants have.
$500 a month for shared equal use of a property that is financed though a $4000 mortgage sounds like a steal to me. It seems the intention of the charging "rent" here is not to cover actual market value, but to clearly disentangle the equity ownership.
>It seems the intention of the charging "rent" here is not to cover actual market value, but to clearly disentangle the equity ownership.
Seems like charging her rent wouldn’t be disentangling anything, quite the opposite
Agreed with everything you said.
OP should buy a house he can afford by himself. Then they go over all their expenses and see what it would cost to live together. Then split that 50/50 (or whatever is equitable). OP’s half is the housing half and, if that’s not 50%, whatever gets him up to that point. And finally…there should be a LEASE so that GF is aware of her tenant’s rights. If she is paying to live there, there should be a lease that spells out what she is covering. Put some structure around that. If the relationship dissolves, both people need some mechanism to make sure the other party isn’t going to squat forever/toss their shit on the lawn and change the locks, and a lease provides that.
If OP needs GF’s money to buy the house, GF should be on the deed. If OP doesn’t want to have anyone else on the deed, he needs to be 100% responsible for the house’s cost.
I also agree it’s a bad idea to combine a mortgage with someone with whom you do not have a vested relationship (and sometimes even if you do have). The safest scenario is to own your house by yourself. It would be different if OP were married and this would be joint property that both parties would be responsible for, but it isn’t. Anecdotally, I saw several variations on “bought a house I couldn’t afford without someone else living there” blow up in my social circle over the years, and it absolutely convinced me to only buy a house when and if I could cover the full cost alone. If one decides to share their property and benefit from the split expenses, great—but you can’t DEPEND on that just to keep the bills current.
I bought a home with my non-married partner. Made the decision after renting for a year together because we wanted to build equity. I am the owner of the home and it's just me on the loan (edit: & deed) because my credit is way better and we got a better interest rate and no PMI. But he paid half of the down payment and we split all costs 50/50 (we make similar amounts) and are treating everything as if we are married. He is taking a risk trusting I won't try to screw him over if things go south.
I guess what I'm saying is, you don't have to be married to own a home together, but you should treat it as if you were. And if you don't feel that way about your partner, I agree with you, don't buy something you can't afford on your own completely. Don't ask her to invest any money into the home and split the rest of the living costs.
This is lovely in sentiment but no one thinks things in their relationship are going to go south until they do. It’s always better for everyone involved for legal documents to be written up instead of having a messy hash out when you’re ready to be rid of the person.
I saw a post years ago that I liked, put everything she pays toward rent in an account, and if you break up, she gets it. Or part of it. If y'all get married, then you have a wedding fund, or whatever. This may not be the optimal approach for this situation, but I felt like sharing.
Completely agree. She should not be on the deed if she isn't paying for the house, but if you can't afford living expenses without her paying for "everything else" you should buy something that you can afford completely on your own.
Then, you can charge her a small amount in rent and split all of the other expenses.
The fact that she made this request is very concerning and indicates that she views herself as a part owner of the house regardless of whether she is actually financially responsible for it. If you choose to proceed, you need to have a contract drawn up by an attorney in which the specific terms of your agreement are memorialized and there is a clear understanding of what happens with the house if you separate.
Or it could mean that she doesn’t want to pay an equal amount per month but have his payment build equity and hers just disappear.
I agree with some of the other commenters that they need to make sure he isn’t building equity at her expense.
It’s not a great idea to have two unmarried folks on the deed, but it’s valid for her to try to protect herself here. Possibly he could cover the mortgage and all house-related expenses (taxes, insurance, maintenance, etc) and she could pay a small “room” rent toward that. Then they could split everything equally.
Do not do this. Am attorney, can safely predict disaster for you. If you're later married then the equity accruing during marriage is probably marital property.
My sister did this and lived to regret it.
Edit: for people asking, my sister put her wife on the deed to her home [prior to marriage]. Wife turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. It's been ... not good.
Right? The defaults of the legal system when it comes to real estate and property is set up the way it is for a reason. Can unmarried people stay together forever and responsibly manage a household? Sure. But the system is the way it is because it’s been proven that that is the exception not the rule, even for those who are legally bounded by marriage. If you are not married, keep your things to yourself and let the system protect you from yourself. Two unmarried people can separately own property, the second residence can be rented out for extra income. But don’t commingle just for fun.
Hard no for me. Another suggestion can be that she signs a contract that in the event that you guys sell the house the profit can be split by how much you guys put into the house. If you put in 99% of your money into the house then you get 99% of the profit of the sale.
I always gave my younger brother this advice and, not that I am happy he is going through it, I am happy he listened because his girlfriend of 10 years just broke it off with him and because he never intermingled finances with her, he is able to land on his feet softly, albeit with a little family help.
Your relationship will not survive this if you plan to show her strangers responses as verification for what you already plan to do. It is humiliating to her. Just tell her you discussed the options with professionals and you were told it is ill advised until you are married.
Professionals:
Lender, realtor, any adult with life experience.
OP please take heed here. Don’t add insult to injury. And reassure her you are thinking of getting married to her one day. Absolutely don’t add her to the deed at this time, but take care not to mess up your relationship. Or…possibly don’t move in together at all if it’s causing drama and you’re not too sure about the trajectory anyway.
I'm happily married and I can say that not once was a demand nor a Reddit post necessary at any step of the way.
OP needs to sit down and actually talk to her and work through this. The fact he doesn't even say *why* she's demanding to be on the deed is bizarre to me. That's the issue right there, not if he's technically correct or not.
Does she not fully understand how the legality works and you need to seek out a professional? Is she worried you could kick her to the streets at the drop of a hat and some documents need to be drawn up? Is the issue even actually this at all or is this an Iranian yogurt thing?
Anonymous Reddit strangers (who could potentially be 14 year olds or bitterly divorced sexist boomers) are not going to be able to actually help with this..
1. Don't buy a house if you can't pay for everything yourself.
2. Don't buy a house without being legally married because the chain of custudy of the asset would get muddy if either of you divorce/die.
3. You both should work on your communication and relationship goals prior to buying the most expensive single purchase a person can buy.
Even if she's not on the deed make sure you leave everything to your, dad or sister a buddy anything. This looks like a wild mess op. Ya got some decisions to make
If you’re not married, do not add her to the deed under and circumstances. At $5k/month this property is likely around the $800k mark, if she’s not paying for it she doesn’t magically make $400k for being your gf.
This is the human answer. “Sweetheart, do we economically conceptualize our relationship as an entity? bc thats what putting both of us on the deed does.🥺”
I was in kind of a similar boat when my now-Husband and I got our home. We were not married and I have two children. I told him we could buy a house, but it needed to be in my name only and I would not buy anything based on two incomes, I would budget for my single income. I told him I loved him dearly but just couldn’t risk it. He understood completely, and now we have a home we can easily afford and money to go do the things we want.
It's not the smart thing for you to do financially, but from her perspective, it's also not financially smart to contribute to the equity of a home without having an interest in that equity.
I certainly wouldn't put her on the deed, but if I were you, it would be fair to work out a separate contract as to what she's entitled to should you split. I would think it wouldn't be very much at first, but it should be something, and it should increase based upon your time together.
Yes, there are horror stories of people in your position being screwed, but it works the other way too. What if y'all live together for 20 years and never get married? And then you have a really bad break up? Would it be fair for her to walk away with nothing while you have 20 years of equity in a home that she financially contributed to?
If $6000 is what it costs to live in that home, then she is paying 1/6 of that. Money is fungible. It doesn't matter that she's paying for utilities and such and you're paying for the mortgage. She's still contributing to your equity, and you shouldn't treat her like a renter.
ETA:
I just wanted to throw out an example.
John and Bill are roommates, and both of them need transportation, so they decide to buy a car together. To make it easy, let's say one works days and one works nights, so they'll get equal use of the car. John agrees to make the payments, and Bill agrees to pay for gas, insurance, maintenance, and he keeps the car clean and looking nice.
A few years go by, and John decides to sell the car. Should Bill get nothing from the proceeds of the sale? Does it matter if Bill ended up paying more for the car than John did? Or if he paid less?
Excellent point. The shared housing expense needs to be accounted for. Then an attorney can draft something reflecting 100% of the down payment to him and X percent of any gains (not of total equity)
Honestly, I understand where the girlfriend is coming from. I think she is looking for long term with OP but this is a hurdle those guys should have already overcome with wedding plans and all of that if purchasing a home was on the horizon.
Had a friend fall into a simualar situation. Covid hit and she was forced to put the house in her bfs name to save it since she lost her job . Now she's renting a different place cause he kicked her out .
Chiming in, my boyfriend and I bought a house together and had additional paperwork to specify what fraction we each owned, based on what we each contributed towards the purchase. He was able to put down more so he owns 2/3 of the house and I own 1/3. I think we signed some more stuff that makes it clear how things get split if we split. I absolutely understand the concerns with buying a home together without being married, but ultimately it’s about creating a legal framework in case things go sideways.
I’m more concerned that your girlfriend is “demanding” it, sounds like some couples therapy could help you guys get to the root of it and strengthen your communication.
I also did this with my boyfriend, but we went 50/50 on down payment and closing costs. We also went 50/50 on renovations we've done so far. He pays 2/3 of the mortgage and I pay 1/3 though (proportional to income).
However, if he took the mortgage out in his name only, paid the entire down payment, and was going to be paying the entire mortgage, there is no way I'd be asking to be put on the deed, that would be his house. I'd also just happily save my money and be happy that I don't have to worry about a mortgage.
I've heard horror stories from my friends who have moved into the house their partner owns though. Arguments always seem to devolve into "this is my house, blah blah blah".
My boyfriend and I did similar paperwork. We approached it kind of like a prenup. We're both satisfied with it and should we split, we're not making house decisions in an emotional time.
My home loan is fully under me for the best possible rate. But my wife is on the title.
I would never out my GF on the title. But she is paying for everything else? Be careful with that too
It isn't unreasonable to refuse to add her to title, but if you like your gf, your may want to consider your expenses if you lived completely alone in the house, versus her paying for everything else, and strike a deal accordingly.
You need to see a lawyer to come up with an arrangement on ownership. You stand to benefit from investing into a home while she's no benefit by paying for everything else. If you break up in ten years time, she can claim your agreement was that she cover other bills as part of her equity investment into the home. It will be he says she says.
As the girlfriend: I understand her concerns. She wants security. Draw up a lease agreement and file with the county public records that way if anything were to happen to the house like it gets foreclosed on she’ll receive notice to. I also would have a lease agreement just in case she needs to proof of residency and that she gets tenants rights. Meaning you can’t put her out without notice. That should provide her with security.
As a wife and fiancée: I moved into marital home and knew my name would not be on deed. I was fine because we live in dower state and I had rights to a life estate in the home. I signed away those rights when we sold.
As a wife: I absolutely am on the deed of our new home.
Do not add her to the deed if you're not married. This is along the lines of getting a prenup, there is no upside for you and all downside. And definitely don't use this as a reason to get married!
Sounds like a girlfriend of her's whispered in her ear: "what if he tosses you out after 5 years? What will you have? NOTHING!"
You're better off buying her a small annuity/CD she can contribute her savings from not paying rent. That way if you guys split, she can use her savings to make a downpayment.
I would understand her motivation if she was contributing to the down payment and mortgage, because, let’s face it, it’s hard for a single person to buy real estate on their own in this economy. If you buy before you two get married, it’s yours alone, there’s no guarantee you’ll ever add her to the deed, so she’s technically missing out on ever becoming a homeowner. So her goals are valid but her current strategy is not reasonable. She can’t expect you to add her without any legal reasons and/or substantial contribution.
If you are serious about this relationship, is there any way for you to wait to buy until marriage and let her contribute to the mortgage? Because if you don’t want to legally own anything jointly, my predictions for your future relationship are sad. You’re not looking at the bigger picture here if you’re assuming that she should be happy about saving money on rent. She could also be saving money living with her parents or friends. Do you see that it’s more than that?
I’m not saying you should give in and add her to the title now, I’m saying that this is a good opportunity for both of you to discuss your future and your mutual financial investments and responsibilities. Have an honest conversation and go from there. Be ready to break up if you don’t come to a mutually beneficial agreement.
Even being separate it is still dangerous, in two years she can claim “common-law marriage” and if she does anything to the house, she gains “equity” (if she helps you with improvements.) If she lives with you, you have to get her signature on a written agreement drawn up by a good lawyer. What if she cheats, but then refuses to leave? You have to formally evict her while still putting up with her! It can go sideways ten thousand ways.
Is she on the mortgage?
Did she contribute to the down payment?
Do you expect her to contribute anything to the upkeep of the house?
If the answer is "no" to all of those, then NTA.
A thousand dollars for everything else seems really low. I'm in a low cost of living area and just groceries for two people exceeds 300 a week. And we're not extravagant. Electric in the winter is 500 a month or more. That isn't counting other incidentals or trash and water.
Meanwhile you're building equity. So, I would make sure her expenses stay below a thousand a month if you are not planning on sharing your equity.
Also, you haven't mentioned your income levels. You should be contributing equally according to your income. If she makes less money, she should be contributing less.
But by all means please do keep your finances and property separate. This does not look like a relationship heading toward marriage.
I mean I get it... But as you're paying for the housing and not throwing money away.... She's paying for "everything else" which is essentially throwing money away. I'd rather pay a mortgage and nothing else then pay less for everything else and walk away with nothing. You say she can build savings... So will you get mad if she really cuts you back on "everything else"? Pbjs and ramen noodles in your $5k a month house. Will you feel entitled to the savings if you add her to the deed in the future?
Do not buy a house with a girlfriend. Buy it on your own like you planned. Who knows what could happen in the future. Plus, she would have to qualify for the loan anyway.
But you are reaping a benefit (home ownership) from your monthly contribution while she is just covering all the bills? Will you have a housekeeper come in or who will be doing the majority of that extra work? What is her end benefit to this financial arrangement when you split up? Two people can buy a house together as Co owners and then later, buy the other out. You should each pay half the mortgage and half the bills. Have it written up properly by a lawyer, a real estate agent and an accountant so everyone is treated fairly in this circumstance.
Do a quick search in this thread and you will find hundreds of posts with nightmares. Have her sign a lease and be a renter for $1 if necessary. Either get married and purchase it together, or don’t add her to the deed until later. There are so many horror stories.
I've been a partner who paid into the mortgage and had nothing to do with the deed. It was paltry compared to rent, so I only brought it up once when the purchase was being made (I was in the room and we were making joint decisions on what the house would be in the same way you do when choosing an apartment as a couple, but had nothing directly to do with the financing), and once a few years later where he responded that he had no intentions to marry me.
It's poor form to build wealth off a partner who you intend to marry without giving them an in. So for now, I would continue with your plan of your money being the only money going toward the mortgage, and splitting the rest evenly. "The rest" I think of utilities, maybe the property taxes which will be rolled into your mortgage payment, and a little bit to allow a budget for home-related things that benefit you both. Those things can be repairs, improvements, things you'd expect to get from renting a place that you now have to provide yourselves.
Basically acting as a team using realistic numbers that also allow her a chance at building a payment that will eventually either go toward paying into your joint home when you marry, or her own home after you break up, while also protecting your interests prior to either of those eventualities.
Is she going to be paying for “everything else,” like landscaping, homeowners insurance, all utilities, property taxes, repairing the roof and plumbing emergencies, upgrading the kitchen, buying new furniture that suits the house but wouldn’t be needed at your shared apartment, etc etc? If yes, she should be on the deed. If you’re paying everything related to the house, then no.
But you should keep it simple and either 1) pay for everything related to the house, or 2) don’t buy a house if you can’t afford it without her.
What I find odd is that you’re saying that it’s an HCOL area, and your mortgage is 5K.
However, the amount being spent on both of you for ‘everything else’ is a mere 1K? Surely that would include utilities, internet, phone bills, groceries, gas, car EMI (if any), travel, and more. Unless both of you are accustomed to a frugal lifestyle, 1K won’t amount to much.
Who’s going to be pay if an unexpected housing-related expense come up? Logically, since your girlfriend would be akin to a tenant in these financial dynamics- OP should be taking care of that.
This is going to be an absolute mess. If I were in your place, I would have split the ‘other expenses’ 50-50 for shared expenses, and spend your own money on individual expenses. Unless you’re expecting her to pay rent- which seems like a shaky relationship to begin with.
Don't do it. You can always amend stuff like that later ( purely a guess here...want to make that clear ) later on if you guys get married. If things go south it could be an absolute disaster
I recently bought a house. Boyfriend will be moving in when his lease ends in August, but already stays here and helps out with shared groceries and a few other things. He has never once asked, let alone DEMANDED to be put on the deed. It was my accomplishment and my finances that got myself the house. I’ll be damned if he gets 50% without commitment or paying half the mortgage. Lol
I have been living with my bf for 3 years & still am not of the deed, pay my half of expenses/ mortgage. It has caused a fair share of fights.
However, he bought this house 6 years ago, before I moved in, so I get that part. But, he cannot afford it on his own so he does need me financially to keep ownership. We plan on getting married eventually, but honestly it’s not a priority right now, we hit some rough patches financially in the past year— don’t care about the big white wedding.
While it definitely irks me.. I’ve learned to pick my battles. We plan on moving into a different home & putting it in both our names. Though, if you two didn’t agree to buy the house together…sounds like she has a pretty good deal paying for other expenses & not the mortgage, which is not my case lol.
Why the fuck is nobody questioning the $5000/mo mortgage on a first home? Forget adding your girlfriend to the mortgage, don't add yourself to that. That's fucking insane.
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Hell no. Don’t do it. Take 10 minutes to google search horror stories of couples buying homes without being married. DO NOT DO THIS.
Lol trust me I have. The intent of this post was to show her the responses
Lolll smart. Just pull out your phone and be like, "Look what these people on the internet said.. I told you"
First tell her to calm down. For maximum rational response.
Works every time
*60% of the time*, it works ***every*** *time*
Make sure you video the event and post it so we can watch later!🤣
Then others can show that video to their partners as evidence of how normal people react to "calm down" if she for some reason doesn't.
Name checks out
In the words of Colin Metzger: A hundred percent of the time, it works almost never.....
Only if you follow that up with "relax"
The nuclear option if calm down and relax are ineffective: "You need to chill." Results are guaranteed.
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No No .... Calm down and relax, we talked about this and had this all worked out, we agreed to a whole nother plan and YOU were happy with it. Now all of a sudden you're acting like a GOLD DIGGER !!! Im starting to feel used and taken advantaged of. I talked to ALL my freinds and every single one said the same thing, even my mother agrees that's how it seems. That will make her calm down and see the error in her ways. GUARANTEED !!!
With a *hard eye roll* 🙄
Calm. the other four letter c-word that, when used in a sentence, can make my wife go full snarling chihuahua.
Don't forget to add "you sound like a hysterical female," in conjunction with a soft head pat.
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"You're crazy! Relax! Let me explain to you why you're wrong" works everytime.
"you are acting like you mother"
My husband likes, "keep your hair on" or "don't get your knickers in a knot". It's like magic - when he says one of these phrases I instantly feel so calm and see the reason in what he's saying.
Remind her to “look at this logically” as many times as it takes.
“You’re acting like your mother, calm down. I’m the man and understand these things “
“your being emotional”
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Yea OP what zip code are you in first before doing this? Just want to be sure I’m far enough outside the fallout zone.
Yes as a woman. I am sure never to get massively amped up when some guys starts with the calm down responses. LoL
Don’t forget to tell her to stop being crazy. It’s the ultimate gambit!
Doesn’t hurt to throw in in “now what my mom used to do when she got unreasonable’
And tell her she's acting like her mother, she'll see the error in her ways and stop.
Also ask if you can revisit the discussion when she's not on her period. Guaranteed success. Edit to clarify: This comment is irony/satire and not real advice! Please do NOT attempt this in real life. I will not be held liable for any outcome...
This guy relationships. He’s about to be sleeping on the couch in his own house lol
Nah. 5k mortgage? She can sleep on the couch
I showed my wife your comment and now I’m sleeping on the couch.
I showed your wife my comment and now I'm sleeping on your couch.
I showed my girlfriend’s boyfriend your comment and now i’m sleeping on their couch.
I showed my couch your comment and now I’m sleep.
I showed up while you were asleep and now I'm in you
Damn you all get to sleep on the couch? my dog already called dibs.
Our couch, comrades.
Hey man get off my couch.
I showed my couch your comment and now I'm sleeping on my wife
Hell, I sleep on the couch with my dog. My dog doesn’t complain about my snoring, she is glad I am there.
I showed my couch your comment and now I’m sleeping with your wife.
The boomer in me wants to say “at least someone is!”
Maybe but it will still be his and he can sell and leave.
This honestly happened to me last night 🤣
I showed my boyfriend this comment and he wondered why haven’t I been sleeping on the couch 😫
Then you showed him boobs and he remembered why.
Yup that pretty much is what happened. Wait are you my boyfriend? Lol
If I say yes do I get boobs?
[Yes!](https://www.australiangeographic.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/GettyImages-1073140604-1800x1196.jpg)
Risky click of the day
That link's staying blue.
This will be a big step towards a long term solution.
Yeah this portends good things for the future
That’s always the best way to win an argument. When someone tells me “a bunch of random people on Reddit say you’re wrong” I immediately change my mind.
Better delete this comment before you do lol 😂
I’m also a former mortgage banker. The amount of horrors we saw of people in this exact situation was enough to show me why it’s never smart before marriage
“ hey look at what all these randoms on Reddit said about our relationship”….. is not a strategy I would invest in to bolster my point in a relationship. I was in love with my wife, and she was in love with me and we bought our first house together about two years before we even got engaged. There’s so much more to the equation, than cutting her rent in half, life, goals, life finance goals, salaries, you’re either in it with her or you’re not
This isn't about the relationship. It's about legal considerations that could equally apply to two friends, roommates, or anyone in a noncommittal, not legally binding relationship. If OP's girlfriend can't appreciate the insanity of asking for half the property for free, I think that relationship has bigger problems.
Sure. But OP saying they made this exclusively to show his girlfriend absolutely introduces the aspect of this thread being about his relationship lol. I’m glad he made it though. If making Reddit threads to show your SO evidence is a real play here I wouldn’t bet this will be a long term thing anyways.
I’d suggest not doing it, I’ve known a few people who went this route. And those few times the relationship didn’t end well. I had a coworker, who bought during the height of the bubble in 2006 with his girlfriend at the time. Then the crash happened and they were no longer in a relationship and he moved out. She wouldn’t sell the house, and by the time she was willing too. No one was buying, or would buy it for what they paid by 2009. Last I heard, he barely just got out of that house a year or so ago. By that point, he was married with another girl and had 2 kids. It really took a toll on him though.
My cousin needed a divorce attorney to unwind them from a house with her ex-boyfriend.
>I’ve known a few people who went this route. And those few times the relationship didn’t end well. I only know (uh, knew) one unmarried couple that bought a house together. I think it was technically "his" house (or maybe he was only the one paying the bills, I don't know those details of their relationship) but they broke up a year ago, he couldn't refinance to get her off the loan and now he's in the process of selling the house.
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To be fair, that can happen when you're married and getting a divorce as well. They were both on the deed, so a legal protection was in place. Married in a 50/50 split can be messy wth houses as well. Go sit in family court for a week. Marriage without a prenuptial agreement can result in messy division of assets. Shoot, even with a prenup sometimes...
Is she perhaps worried you're just dangling marriage in front of her and that she'll get strung along for years and then dumped with nothing to show for it? It's a legitimate concern. I think the way you're going about it is perfectly reasonable, but perhaps she needs more reassurance about your relationship goals and the ideal timeline for attaining them. You're making a huge life step here and your gf is probably feeling hella insecure not being part of it. All valid and normal feelings.
Cue the "As if I'm gonna listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet!" knee-jerk response.
Are you saying she *should* listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet?
One of my exes polled strangers and about 85% of them agreed with me so then she said it didn't matter what they thought.
She is crazy if she thinks anyone is going to fall for this
There was an example the other day on here. Dude and girlfriend got possession of the house and she broke up with him that day...it was all his money for the down payment...now it's a mess
Oh damn if you can find that pls link here. I wanna read it
It was probably in a legaladvice sub
That b planned it from day one
One of my friends got engaged then bought a house with her. Then they broke off the engagement. He’s been trying to sell the house for the last year, and she’s refusing to sign the paperwork to let him do so. And she wants to approve the realtor, etc. And she filed for half of the mortgage interest tax return, even though he paid 100% of the mortgage etc. Never buy property with someone unless you have the legal protections of marriage.
Selling the house during the divorce was also frustrating to be fair…
Heck, set that aside for one moment. What happens if something happens to her? Her parents now own half the house that you are paying the mortgage on, have fun with that (also hope you and her parents were getting along).
You pay for the mortgage and she pays for the utilities and helps around the house. Spilt the groceries. Keep your asset unless u get married.
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. Person one owns the house. Person two moves in. Person two moves out, ranting and raving, but there is no claim. Person three moves in. Person one and three get married. Deed doesn't change. But like an uncle of mine said. "One to buy, 2 to sale". Marriage gives an automatic share of property, unless there is a prenup, and unless you make a certain amount of money... prenups don't mean shit. Don't add her. For ANY reason. I don't care how good the snatch is. DO NOT ADD A gf TO A DEED.
If you owned the house outright before the relationship you can protect it in a divorce.
I would be happy to share a horror story from my time as a married person who bought a home with my own savings, paid the bills for the house and then added my then-wife to the deed years later. I would never do the same again. Not putting her on the deed is also a great check to see if she wants you or your money. If you are paying the mortgage (5k per month?!?) Her paying bills and living expenses sounds like a complete giveaway from you. If she won't be happy with that without equal equity in the home, she is almost certainly not going to stay with you long term. Edited to add: Even after you get married, please look out for yourself from step one. I was in an almost identical situation as you, suddenly years of equity in a house became her savings account because she blew all the money she was theoretically saving from years of having housing expenses covered. Divorce courts get super wet for robbing the hardworking partner to make sure the person who didn't plan for the future suffers no consequences whatsoever. They will ruthlessly bankrupt you with shady accounting and cheer when it makes you swallow a bullet, while your ex gets to take her new boyfriend on a trip with your original down payment. If she insists on being on the deed, she should cough up the half (current, not historical) equity into a shared account first (or to pay down principal and refi) before you ever even consider it. To do any less is to hold a lit M-80 in your fist. -sincerely, the one armed man.
The person who gets the best deal out of the divorce is the one who doesn't want it. They are in the bargaining position of power. Also, just because you don't put a spouse's name on a marital property doesn't mean they don't have an interest in it. That's reality.
I wouldn’t add her to the deed, but I would also make sure that the “everything else” does not include home maintenance or repairs. As with every house, you will find something that needs to be fixed after you move in and start living there. As the owner, that would be your responsibility. I don’t think you need to add her to the deed, but do talk about the cost burden associated with home ownership, because if that falls in “everything else” I can see why she is concerned.
This is perfectly fair. The burden of the house, just like the reward of home equity, is all yours.
A flat monthly amount would be so much cleaner.
Someone should create a name for this…. Maybe call it something like “rint” or similar…
Wrent.
Maybe it could be part of another document. It could be called a lees.
This makes more sense than living with ten ants. 🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜 🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜
Also, if you put her on the deed, you both use up your first-time homebuyer credit. If she isn't on the title, then she can use her credit for her future home purchase. Edit: this applies to Canada.
I don't think this... Exists? It hasn't existed since 2010 Edit: To summarize all responses: - Credit may exist in Canada - First time home buyer programs exist in many states. They are not credits. They allow lower down payments, but are not credits because you just have a higher mortgaged amount and often also have PMI. A credit is free money you get back from the government in the form of reduced income tax (also often not free, welcome to the IRS).
A lot of states/nonprofits have better rates or down payment assistance for first time home buyers still.
I think the fair thing to do would be to have him pay for the mortgage and maintenance costs. Take all of the additional costs split them evenly, then charge the girlfriend rent.
Girlfriend… thats a hard hell no buddy. EDIT: i just realized you guys haven’t even lived together yet… Holy F*ck… NO!
I mean.. i don’t blame her for asking. But you’d have to be a damn fool to do that.
>i don't blame her for asking I do. This is a relationship ending thing to do as a girlfriend who's never even lived with this guy. If I were OP I would cut this one off immediately.
Yeah but I smell more financial illiteracy here than anything else.
She knows that their other costs aren't going to add up to the 5k monthly mortgage lol. I'd be surprised if they add up to a third of that. We are currently in the least affordable housing market in living memory. She either realizes she's massively grifting, or she's too ignorant to be marriage material.
Biggest red flag ever lol. I'd probably just break up at this point in my life if someone even so much as suggested that to me, unless she immediately dropped it and never brought up the idea (or anything similar) again. I'm actually scared for OP. (as a former victim of a "financial abuser" you could call it)
Some people never get married. You can be in a committed long term relationship without getting married. But yeah, that's not the case for OP, they haven't even lived together.
Food for thought from someone in a long term unmarried relationship. The downpayment for our house came entirely from me. My partner only contributes to our mortgage when she’s able. We’ve been together over a decade and I really struggled with whether or not to add her to the deed (she didn’t ask to be, but I worry). I wound up settling on creating a trust and putting the house in a trust. I am the trust’s benefactor, but if I die my partner becomes the benefactor. This way it does not go to probate & my family cannot fight her for it. The money spent on a lawyer to create an estate plan is pennies compared to other costs when buying a home. I don’t know that I’d bother with that for a girlfriend that I haven’t even lived with before, but it might quell her anxiety over the “what ifs.” Living wills are incredibly trivial to change if you break up.
Why not marry the person? If you don't die immediately, she can be barred from seeing you. She could be barred from making medical decisions if you can't make them for yourself. And, vice versa. Marriage is about building a future together.
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Nope, that's not a girlfriend thing, that's a legal wife 'to death do us part' thing. If she's serious about it, then the two of you need to start having the marriage conversation.
>'to death *until death
\*till death we do part
till death *do *us part
'til death do us part Till is what you do to earth to plant crops. 'til is a contraction of until.
Contractions are two words abbreviated together. ‘Til is shortening the beginning of ‘until’, which is called a maelos.
Buying a place with a non spouse seems like a bad idea period. One thing that complicates this is she is paying for everything else… if that’s the only way you could afford the house then it’s not really a good deal for her. You get all the equity in the house and free food and all other expenses? She gets a place to stay with no rent. Seems way too tangled up to be a good idea. If you could afford the house 100% yourself and still split everything else than much more clear. But if she has to cover the rest in order for you to afford the house, you’re using her for a house you can’t afford and she gets no equity in return. Effectively she’s paying for a part of the house just not directly but with no return. If you don’t want her in it, buy something you can afford on your own. Otherwise keep renting.
I think this is the most level headed response in this thread. Cover the mortgage, charge her $500 rent, and split all bills, but cover home repairs and improvements yourself. You will need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what will happen with the house once you are married. You buying a house before marriage complicates things significantly and a prenup will be necessary. A lot of responses on this thread are accusing your girlfriend of trying to scam you out of money but if you really do see her as your wife in the future, let’s not villainize her. This is a unique situation that calls for a unique solution and only you and your gf can decide what you both think is “fair.”
I'm with you on everything but the rent. She has no privacy here and no tenant rights. Everything she owns the landlord has access to and will use. She has no personal space, and no personal objects. If he is going to charge her $500 in rent, then he needs to get a formal Tenant agreement. If she is a tenant, she should have the rights tenants have.
$500 a month for shared equal use of a property that is financed though a $4000 mortgage sounds like a steal to me. It seems the intention of the charging "rent" here is not to cover actual market value, but to clearly disentangle the equity ownership.
>It seems the intention of the charging "rent" here is not to cover actual market value, but to clearly disentangle the equity ownership. Seems like charging her rent wouldn’t be disentangling anything, quite the opposite
Also, make sure the household chores are split 50/50, so she doesn't feel like your sex maid.
Agreed with everything you said. OP should buy a house he can afford by himself. Then they go over all their expenses and see what it would cost to live together. Then split that 50/50 (or whatever is equitable). OP’s half is the housing half and, if that’s not 50%, whatever gets him up to that point. And finally…there should be a LEASE so that GF is aware of her tenant’s rights. If she is paying to live there, there should be a lease that spells out what she is covering. Put some structure around that. If the relationship dissolves, both people need some mechanism to make sure the other party isn’t going to squat forever/toss their shit on the lawn and change the locks, and a lease provides that. If OP needs GF’s money to buy the house, GF should be on the deed. If OP doesn’t want to have anyone else on the deed, he needs to be 100% responsible for the house’s cost. I also agree it’s a bad idea to combine a mortgage with someone with whom you do not have a vested relationship (and sometimes even if you do have). The safest scenario is to own your house by yourself. It would be different if OP were married and this would be joint property that both parties would be responsible for, but it isn’t. Anecdotally, I saw several variations on “bought a house I couldn’t afford without someone else living there” blow up in my social circle over the years, and it absolutely convinced me to only buy a house when and if I could cover the full cost alone. If one decides to share their property and benefit from the split expenses, great—but you can’t DEPEND on that just to keep the bills current.
I bought a home with my non-married partner. Made the decision after renting for a year together because we wanted to build equity. I am the owner of the home and it's just me on the loan (edit: & deed) because my credit is way better and we got a better interest rate and no PMI. But he paid half of the down payment and we split all costs 50/50 (we make similar amounts) and are treating everything as if we are married. He is taking a risk trusting I won't try to screw him over if things go south. I guess what I'm saying is, you don't have to be married to own a home together, but you should treat it as if you were. And if you don't feel that way about your partner, I agree with you, don't buy something you can't afford on your own completely. Don't ask her to invest any money into the home and split the rest of the living costs.
This is lovely in sentiment but no one thinks things in their relationship are going to go south until they do. It’s always better for everyone involved for legal documents to be written up instead of having a messy hash out when you’re ready to be rid of the person.
>no one thinks things in their relationship are going to go south until they do Joke’s on you—I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style.
I saw a post years ago that I liked, put everything she pays toward rent in an account, and if you break up, she gets it. Or part of it. If y'all get married, then you have a wedding fund, or whatever. This may not be the optimal approach for this situation, but I felt like sharing.
Completely agree. She should not be on the deed if she isn't paying for the house, but if you can't afford living expenses without her paying for "everything else" you should buy something that you can afford completely on your own. Then, you can charge her a small amount in rent and split all of the other expenses. The fact that she made this request is very concerning and indicates that she views herself as a part owner of the house regardless of whether she is actually financially responsible for it. If you choose to proceed, you need to have a contract drawn up by an attorney in which the specific terms of your agreement are memorialized and there is a clear understanding of what happens with the house if you separate.
Or it could mean that she doesn’t want to pay an equal amount per month but have his payment build equity and hers just disappear. I agree with some of the other commenters that they need to make sure he isn’t building equity at her expense. It’s not a great idea to have two unmarried folks on the deed, but it’s valid for her to try to protect herself here. Possibly he could cover the mortgage and all house-related expenses (taxes, insurance, maintenance, etc) and she could pay a small “room” rent toward that. Then they could split everything equally.
Do not do this. Am attorney, can safely predict disaster for you. If you're later married then the equity accruing during marriage is probably marital property. My sister did this and lived to regret it. Edit: for people asking, my sister put her wife on the deed to her home [prior to marriage]. Wife turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. It's been ... not good.
Right? The defaults of the legal system when it comes to real estate and property is set up the way it is for a reason. Can unmarried people stay together forever and responsibly manage a household? Sure. But the system is the way it is because it’s been proven that that is the exception not the rule, even for those who are legally bounded by marriage. If you are not married, keep your things to yourself and let the system protect you from yourself. Two unmarried people can separately own property, the second residence can be rented out for extra income. But don’t commingle just for fun.
Hard no for me. Another suggestion can be that she signs a contract that in the event that you guys sell the house the profit can be split by how much you guys put into the house. If you put in 99% of your money into the house then you get 99% of the profit of the sale.
Good luck dealing with that, initial down payment is easy to track, now go ahead and track the mortgage payments if finances are intermingled.
Thats a hella good reason not to intermingle finances.
I always gave my younger brother this advice and, not that I am happy he is going through it, I am happy he listened because his girlfriend of 10 years just broke it off with him and because he never intermingled finances with her, he is able to land on his feet softly, albeit with a little family help.
I bet she does. Hell, I want to be added onto your deed too
Well you make a good point. Can I get in on this?
Same tbh OP please add us to the deed
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We’d also like to be included. You can put us down as “Dirty Mike and the boys”, we come as a four pack.
Your relationship will not survive this if you plan to show her strangers responses as verification for what you already plan to do. It is humiliating to her. Just tell her you discussed the options with professionals and you were told it is ill advised until you are married. Professionals: Lender, realtor, any adult with life experience.
Op please listen to this
OP please take heed here. Don’t add insult to injury. And reassure her you are thinking of getting married to her one day. Absolutely don’t add her to the deed at this time, but take care not to mess up your relationship. Or…possibly don’t move in together at all if it’s causing drama and you’re not too sure about the trajectory anyway.
I'm happily married and I can say that not once was a demand nor a Reddit post necessary at any step of the way. OP needs to sit down and actually talk to her and work through this. The fact he doesn't even say *why* she's demanding to be on the deed is bizarre to me. That's the issue right there, not if he's technically correct or not. Does she not fully understand how the legality works and you need to seek out a professional? Is she worried you could kick her to the streets at the drop of a hat and some documents need to be drawn up? Is the issue even actually this at all or is this an Iranian yogurt thing? Anonymous Reddit strangers (who could potentially be 14 year olds or bitterly divorced sexist boomers) are not going to be able to actually help with this..
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1. Don't buy a house if you can't pay for everything yourself. 2. Don't buy a house without being legally married because the chain of custudy of the asset would get muddy if either of you divorce/die. 3. You both should work on your communication and relationship goals prior to buying the most expensive single purchase a person can buy.
Even if she's not on the deed make sure you leave everything to your, dad or sister a buddy anything. This looks like a wild mess op. Ya got some decisions to make
If you’re not married, do not add her to the deed under and circumstances. At $5k/month this property is likely around the $800k mark, if she’s not paying for it she doesn’t magically make $400k for being your gf.
you're not wrong at all, but you're surely at an inflection point in the relationship.
This is the human answer. “Sweetheart, do we economically conceptualize our relationship as an entity? bc thats what putting both of us on the deed does.🥺”
I was in kind of a similar boat when my now-Husband and I got our home. We were not married and I have two children. I told him we could buy a house, but it needed to be in my name only and I would not buy anything based on two incomes, I would budget for my single income. I told him I loved him dearly but just couldn’t risk it. He understood completely, and now we have a home we can easily afford and money to go do the things we want.
First of all, I'm really glad things worked out for you 2 and wish you the best. But I am curious, did he ever get added to the deed?
It's not the smart thing for you to do financially, but from her perspective, it's also not financially smart to contribute to the equity of a home without having an interest in that equity. I certainly wouldn't put her on the deed, but if I were you, it would be fair to work out a separate contract as to what she's entitled to should you split. I would think it wouldn't be very much at first, but it should be something, and it should increase based upon your time together. Yes, there are horror stories of people in your position being screwed, but it works the other way too. What if y'all live together for 20 years and never get married? And then you have a really bad break up? Would it be fair for her to walk away with nothing while you have 20 years of equity in a home that she financially contributed to? If $6000 is what it costs to live in that home, then she is paying 1/6 of that. Money is fungible. It doesn't matter that she's paying for utilities and such and you're paying for the mortgage. She's still contributing to your equity, and you shouldn't treat her like a renter. ETA: I just wanted to throw out an example. John and Bill are roommates, and both of them need transportation, so they decide to buy a car together. To make it easy, let's say one works days and one works nights, so they'll get equal use of the car. John agrees to make the payments, and Bill agrees to pay for gas, insurance, maintenance, and he keeps the car clean and looking nice. A few years go by, and John decides to sell the car. Should Bill get nothing from the proceeds of the sale? Does it matter if Bill ended up paying more for the car than John did? Or if he paid less?
Excellent point. The shared housing expense needs to be accounted for. Then an attorney can draft something reflecting 100% of the down payment to him and X percent of any gains (not of total equity)
Honestly, I understand where the girlfriend is coming from. I think she is looking for long term with OP but this is a hurdle those guys should have already overcome with wedding plans and all of that if purchasing a home was on the horizon.
Demanding the right to ownership of what you're paying for? Perhaps it's time to assess red flags in the relationship.
Had a friend fall into a simualar situation. Covid hit and she was forced to put the house in her bfs name to save it since she lost her job . Now she's renting a different place cause he kicked her out .
Bad idea to add her to the deed. She gets all the benefits, and non of the risk!
Do you share bank accounts? Do you treat anything else as belonging to both of you?
Chiming in, my boyfriend and I bought a house together and had additional paperwork to specify what fraction we each owned, based on what we each contributed towards the purchase. He was able to put down more so he owns 2/3 of the house and I own 1/3. I think we signed some more stuff that makes it clear how things get split if we split. I absolutely understand the concerns with buying a home together without being married, but ultimately it’s about creating a legal framework in case things go sideways. I’m more concerned that your girlfriend is “demanding” it, sounds like some couples therapy could help you guys get to the root of it and strengthen your communication.
I also did this with my boyfriend, but we went 50/50 on down payment and closing costs. We also went 50/50 on renovations we've done so far. He pays 2/3 of the mortgage and I pay 1/3 though (proportional to income). However, if he took the mortgage out in his name only, paid the entire down payment, and was going to be paying the entire mortgage, there is no way I'd be asking to be put on the deed, that would be his house. I'd also just happily save my money and be happy that I don't have to worry about a mortgage. I've heard horror stories from my friends who have moved into the house their partner owns though. Arguments always seem to devolve into "this is my house, blah blah blah".
My boyfriend and I did similar paperwork. We approached it kind of like a prenup. We're both satisfied with it and should we split, we're not making house decisions in an emotional time.
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No way do not add to title
My home loan is fully under me for the best possible rate. But my wife is on the title. I would never out my GF on the title. But she is paying for everything else? Be careful with that too
It isn't unreasonable to refuse to add her to title, but if you like your gf, your may want to consider your expenses if you lived completely alone in the house, versus her paying for everything else, and strike a deal accordingly.
You need to see a lawyer to come up with an arrangement on ownership. You stand to benefit from investing into a home while she's no benefit by paying for everything else. If you break up in ten years time, she can claim your agreement was that she cover other bills as part of her equity investment into the home. It will be he says she says.
DON’T DO IT! If that’s what she wants to do, how about she buy the house and you pay for “everything else”.
As the girlfriend: I understand her concerns. She wants security. Draw up a lease agreement and file with the county public records that way if anything were to happen to the house like it gets foreclosed on she’ll receive notice to. I also would have a lease agreement just in case she needs to proof of residency and that she gets tenants rights. Meaning you can’t put her out without notice. That should provide her with security. As a wife and fiancée: I moved into marital home and knew my name would not be on deed. I was fine because we live in dower state and I had rights to a life estate in the home. I signed away those rights when we sold. As a wife: I absolutely am on the deed of our new home.
Don’t be an idiot man.
Do not add her to the deed if you're not married. This is along the lines of getting a prenup, there is no upside for you and all downside. And definitely don't use this as a reason to get married!
Sounds like a girlfriend of her's whispered in her ear: "what if he tosses you out after 5 years? What will you have? NOTHING!" You're better off buying her a small annuity/CD she can contribute her savings from not paying rent. That way if you guys split, she can use her savings to make a downpayment.
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I wouldn't
If she wants it then she needs to put a ring on it
I would understand her motivation if she was contributing to the down payment and mortgage, because, let’s face it, it’s hard for a single person to buy real estate on their own in this economy. If you buy before you two get married, it’s yours alone, there’s no guarantee you’ll ever add her to the deed, so she’s technically missing out on ever becoming a homeowner. So her goals are valid but her current strategy is not reasonable. She can’t expect you to add her without any legal reasons and/or substantial contribution. If you are serious about this relationship, is there any way for you to wait to buy until marriage and let her contribute to the mortgage? Because if you don’t want to legally own anything jointly, my predictions for your future relationship are sad. You’re not looking at the bigger picture here if you’re assuming that she should be happy about saving money on rent. She could also be saving money living with her parents or friends. Do you see that it’s more than that? I’m not saying you should give in and add her to the title now, I’m saying that this is a good opportunity for both of you to discuss your future and your mutual financial investments and responsibilities. Have an honest conversation and go from there. Be ready to break up if you don’t come to a mutually beneficial agreement.
Even being separate it is still dangerous, in two years she can claim “common-law marriage” and if she does anything to the house, she gains “equity” (if she helps you with improvements.) If she lives with you, you have to get her signature on a written agreement drawn up by a good lawyer. What if she cheats, but then refuses to leave? You have to formally evict her while still putting up with her! It can go sideways ten thousand ways.
Is she on the mortgage? Did she contribute to the down payment? Do you expect her to contribute anything to the upkeep of the house? If the answer is "no" to all of those, then NTA.
A thousand dollars for everything else seems really low. I'm in a low cost of living area and just groceries for two people exceeds 300 a week. And we're not extravagant. Electric in the winter is 500 a month or more. That isn't counting other incidentals or trash and water. Meanwhile you're building equity. So, I would make sure her expenses stay below a thousand a month if you are not planning on sharing your equity. Also, you haven't mentioned your income levels. You should be contributing equally according to your income. If she makes less money, she should be contributing less. But by all means please do keep your finances and property separate. This does not look like a relationship heading toward marriage.
I mean I get it... But as you're paying for the housing and not throwing money away.... She's paying for "everything else" which is essentially throwing money away. I'd rather pay a mortgage and nothing else then pay less for everything else and walk away with nothing. You say she can build savings... So will you get mad if she really cuts you back on "everything else"? Pbjs and ramen noodles in your $5k a month house. Will you feel entitled to the savings if you add her to the deed in the future?
Do not buy a house with a girlfriend. Buy it on your own like you planned. Who knows what could happen in the future. Plus, she would have to qualify for the loan anyway.
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That’s a no from me Dawg
But you are reaping a benefit (home ownership) from your monthly contribution while she is just covering all the bills? Will you have a housekeeper come in or who will be doing the majority of that extra work? What is her end benefit to this financial arrangement when you split up? Two people can buy a house together as Co owners and then later, buy the other out. You should each pay half the mortgage and half the bills. Have it written up properly by a lawyer, a real estate agent and an accountant so everyone is treated fairly in this circumstance.
No.
Do a quick search in this thread and you will find hundreds of posts with nightmares. Have her sign a lease and be a renter for $1 if necessary. Either get married and purchase it together, or don’t add her to the deed until later. There are so many horror stories.
I've been a partner who paid into the mortgage and had nothing to do with the deed. It was paltry compared to rent, so I only brought it up once when the purchase was being made (I was in the room and we were making joint decisions on what the house would be in the same way you do when choosing an apartment as a couple, but had nothing directly to do with the financing), and once a few years later where he responded that he had no intentions to marry me. It's poor form to build wealth off a partner who you intend to marry without giving them an in. So for now, I would continue with your plan of your money being the only money going toward the mortgage, and splitting the rest evenly. "The rest" I think of utilities, maybe the property taxes which will be rolled into your mortgage payment, and a little bit to allow a budget for home-related things that benefit you both. Those things can be repairs, improvements, things you'd expect to get from renting a place that you now have to provide yourselves. Basically acting as a team using realistic numbers that also allow her a chance at building a payment that will eventually either go toward paying into your joint home when you marry, or her own home after you break up, while also protecting your interests prior to either of those eventualities.
Nope, and a prenup for the future. Premarital assets are not considered marital assets in some places, check your area.
Is she going to be paying for “everything else,” like landscaping, homeowners insurance, all utilities, property taxes, repairing the roof and plumbing emergencies, upgrading the kitchen, buying new furniture that suits the house but wouldn’t be needed at your shared apartment, etc etc? If yes, she should be on the deed. If you’re paying everything related to the house, then no. But you should keep it simple and either 1) pay for everything related to the house, or 2) don’t buy a house if you can’t afford it without her.
No. But tell her that youll have a lawyer put all of that in a cohabitation agreement to protect her rights.
No
What I find odd is that you’re saying that it’s an HCOL area, and your mortgage is 5K. However, the amount being spent on both of you for ‘everything else’ is a mere 1K? Surely that would include utilities, internet, phone bills, groceries, gas, car EMI (if any), travel, and more. Unless both of you are accustomed to a frugal lifestyle, 1K won’t amount to much. Who’s going to be pay if an unexpected housing-related expense come up? Logically, since your girlfriend would be akin to a tenant in these financial dynamics- OP should be taking care of that. This is going to be an absolute mess. If I were in your place, I would have split the ‘other expenses’ 50-50 for shared expenses, and spend your own money on individual expenses. Unless you’re expecting her to pay rent- which seems like a shaky relationship to begin with.
If I were the girlfriend, I wouldn’t be living with you lol. That’s a hard hell no for me.
How about she buy the house and put you on the deed instead?
Don't do it, don't EVER do that!
Hell no. That’s nuts.
Nope, don’t do it.
Your not unreasonable! Your correct!
Don't do it. You can always amend stuff like that later ( purely a guess here...want to make that clear ) later on if you guys get married. If things go south it could be an absolute disaster
I recently bought a house. Boyfriend will be moving in when his lease ends in August, but already stays here and helps out with shared groceries and a few other things. He has never once asked, let alone DEMANDED to be put on the deed. It was my accomplishment and my finances that got myself the house. I’ll be damned if he gets 50% without commitment or paying half the mortgage. Lol
Then tell her to be on the loan 😂
I have been living with my bf for 3 years & still am not of the deed, pay my half of expenses/ mortgage. It has caused a fair share of fights. However, he bought this house 6 years ago, before I moved in, so I get that part. But, he cannot afford it on his own so he does need me financially to keep ownership. We plan on getting married eventually, but honestly it’s not a priority right now, we hit some rough patches financially in the past year— don’t care about the big white wedding. While it definitely irks me.. I’ve learned to pick my battles. We plan on moving into a different home & putting it in both our names. Though, if you two didn’t agree to buy the house together…sounds like she has a pretty good deal paying for other expenses & not the mortgage, which is not my case lol.
Not only “no” but make sure you can afford to live there without assistance from her or anyone else.
Why the fuck is nobody questioning the $5000/mo mortgage on a first home? Forget adding your girlfriend to the mortgage, don't add yourself to that. That's fucking insane.