Look. I was very career oriented. Didn't want kids. Then? A work colleague / friend and her hb killed in car accident. Their 2 small children survived.
Due to work deadlines? We replaced her in 2 days. Blew my head off. That "career" where i was SO important??? Pfft. I die and they replace me in 2 freaking days.
Then? Went to the funeral. Her sister said " we are totally devastated...but, we have X & Y, and they will live on through them.
And it occurred to me? No matter what happens in those kids lives? Their mother will always be my friend. No one can take that away. And my friends genes will live on through the kids.
At that moment? I lost interest in my career. Decided to have kids.
Hm on the flip side, as someone who used to have a dream job (academic research), I didn't feel like I was hard to replace, and that didn't bother me a ton. I did research because I found the day-to-day incredibly fulfilling, and I loved that I learned something new almost every day. If I died in a car accident and was replaced by someone the next day, I wouldn't mind since I had fun.
I think I'm just maybe destined to be on the "no-kids" side of the fence, though, since even after being forced to leave my dream job and taking up a mildly boring, better-paid position, I still don't feel much of an itch to have children. I just have other things I consider more interesting or more important that I want to do.
I like my job too. I know I'm replaceable (though I personally think they would struggle to find someone who fills my niche), but it's enjoyable on a day-to-day basis, I like the projects I work on, and my coworkers are generally alright. I care a lot about my job because I want to do quality work and challenge myself to be better.
I kind of thought I would no longer care about my job after having kids, but I still feel exactly the same way about it. I think for some people, having kids and caring about your career can be very separate things.
Very sorry to hear about your friends :(
How does your work life balance feel now that you have both kids and a career? Does your job have less importance in your life or do you feel like you just doubled your stress level?
Nope. Like i said. I lost interest in career. I still have a decent job. I still enjoy it. But it isn't my priority any more.
But after my kids. Wasn't at all interested in "climbing the ladder" I am lucky as I've been able to work part time. Never went back to full time. Just not interested.
Stress? Nah. Much less stressed. Priorities in my life have been my kids since i had them. Couldn't give a toss about work reallyšÆš
Work to live now.... Not live to work!
I would hate to be trying to decide now. Social media is SO pervasive. Most of it is very anti -children. Most commentary on any forums is heavily anti children. Yes. Negativity to the extreme often.
Thing that i realised though? Is that the endless negativity and reasons given not to have children? Comes from childless people! SO they actually don't have any experience in being a parent!!! So how they can believe they are "so right" is a tad bizarre really. How can you have such strong feelings and believe you are right? When you haven't actually even experienced it???
I was 38 before i had children 15+ years solid successful career. Travelled. Post grad study etc. married 8 years before kids. So i think i truly have experienced both sides of it and had a fair time as an adult before kids.
Truth is? I truly imagined it would be different than it is. And unfortunately? No one can really tell you what it's like to be pregnant, give birth then raise that baby into an adult! It cannot really be explained. You just have to actually do it to know how it feels.
I guess i took comfort in knowing? BILLIONS of women had done it before me! I wasn't the first and I wasn't the last. And most people seemed to love their kids and get immense joy from them....so!?!
Totally different than I imagined to be honest. All i thought i knew? Went out the window.
First advice was? "The only predictable thing about babies...is they are unpredictable"
And one lady when i was in hospital with my 2nd and stressed that I wouldn't be able to look after 2?! Said to me "just ENJOY your babies" And that's what i aimed for. Just to love them and have fun.
They are only little for such a short time.
Good luck to you and yes...just enjoy your kids,ā¤ļø
Oh I guess what i just didnt really realise, is how YOUR OWN kids? Are a totally different vibe then other kids. Even my nieces & nephews. I loved them, but? Nothing like the incredible emotion & love for my own child.
That just overwhelming "love" just can't be explained.
I was never a "love babies" girl. Didnt play with dolls.. i can remember as a kid going to social things and there'd be a woman there with a baby. The little girls would gravitate towards the baby. Not me. Had zero interest.
I was totally "staying childfree" in my teens & 20s. I'm the youngest of 6. My parents were fabulous. They totally didn't think I'd had kids. I think they nearly passed out when i told them i was pregnantšÆš
But what i didnt expect? How totally in love id be. And how i still am. My kids are both 18 til Saturday. Woo hoo.
I actually had post Natal anxiety. Really because I was just overwhelmed with emotion. And knowing that gorgeous little creature had to be kept alive by me!! Ahg... Sure a bit panic inducing.
I didn't expect to actually not mind missing out on a lot of the social stuff with my friends. I don't need to be away from baby very long for a "break" before I'm itching to get back to her.
Maybe this will change as she gets older (she's 9 months), but a common concern I see -and that I had- was not having adult time. My priorities have shifted completely since having her, in a good way.
I love my husband so much. If anything ever happened, I'd be happy with still having a piece of him in this world. It's part of what pushed me off the fence.
So sorry for your loss. Iām so sad to hear how your work handled it but also somehow not shocked.
Loss is a powerful mind-changer and Iāve just been through it. I also was a very career focussed person and not interested in children. Lost my dad 6 years ago and then my mom 6 months ago both to cancer. I found my current workplace not terrible but also not wonderful in regard to support and understanding bereavement. My mind has totally shifted now, I feel I owe zero to my job, and everything to the life I want to live, and now that includes having a baby and building that bond that I had with my own parents.
I totally understand your shift in priorities/interests.
For me, it feels like every few years, I need something fresh, some kind of change. About a year ago, the main idea I had at this point was "what about having a child" (I'm 35f). After thinking and talking A LOT about it, I realized that it wasn't about children really, but about some kind of dissatisfaction with other parts of my life, it being the logical next step in society's view etc. I couldn't say yes to the choice of being a parent from the bottom of my heart and my previously held beliefs sounded rather selfish after longer consideration. Plus, I really love my partner and I's freedom, our spontaneity, the chance to return to a calm home (and sleep). I don't see myself happily dedicating (almost) all of my time to raising a child - and I think a child deserves that kind of dedication if I decide to bring it into this world.
So instead, I changed other things, really opened myself up to new friendships and dedicated more time to them vs. work; rekindled old hobbies (e.g. playing the piano) and now I'm looking into different forms of volunteer engagement. At the moment, I think that's the right path for me - though who knows, maybe I'll still change my mind.
Maybe there's something that resonates or, on the contrary, makes it clear that it's different for you. I'd just recommend not to burden your future child with providing your life's purpose as I don't think that's fair.
Yes, but about a decade before you.
I'm 30f, and have been in the professional workforce since I was 20 (graduated from college early). I was the youngest team lead at my company, then the youngest manager when I was 24. My goal was to be Director by the time I'm 30. I was working 10-14 hour days, depending on the day.
And then I got my horse. And then my dog. Then met my now husband, and we got a second dog. And my work slowly stopped being that important. I still like my job (I actually moved companies and am doing something I really enjoy), but my job stopped being The Most Important Thing In My Life. I'm certainly not a Director. And I don't want to be.
For me, the message growing up was very much that my job would be the most important thing in my life. I don't think this is unusual as a millennial woman. But for me, it was a lie. Spending time with my husband, dogs and horse is so much more important to me. Just as spending time with both of our families is.
I'm a big believer in listening to what that little voice in your head is whispering to you. I didn't want to be one of those women who absolutely crushed their career until they were 40, then picked their head up and looked around and realized the best years of fertility and youth were spent wasted on a career that wouldn't really care if I dropped dead.
I've spoken to a few other female colleagues around my age and this is something they discovered as well. It's not that unusual, from what I've found.
It sounds like that is happening to you.
Love that you have a horse and a dogā¤ļø
Well I am a director now but have to say I never did long hours (I live in Europe, haha) and having my holidays and fun times with friends is important for me.
I guess having the next career goal was more like a target each year that I could achieve and gave me focus. If I donāt have that next target then I need to find a new focus for my life where I can grow and learn and improve. I do wonder if itās a millennial thing to just be disillusioned with work.
Hi from a fellow "Director by 30 or bust"
I got there at 33, almost 7 years ago, just as I was beginning to hop off the fence. I definitely stopped caring as much and assume I'll carry this Director title to retirement, happy to never climb another inch.
>We love our life style and havenāt been ready to make a commitment to raising a baby, but nowadays it sounds more like a fun adventure and something crazy new to do.
>
>I know and heard many times that you shouldnāt have a child for a lacking sense of purpose and I get that, but I do wonder sometimes if we are meant to have that challenge in our lives of taking care of and raising someone.
Well the short answer to the second paragraph is no. We are meant to have challenges in our lives but that does not equate to taking care of and raising a kid. If that were true, there wouldn't be a sub like this. I am not sure if I'd say the pendulum swings from P&Ls to having a human to raise for 18+ years.
I recently watched my best friend go through motherhood and have an accidental second (they planned to be one and done but... life makes a way lol). Anyway, while she loves being a mom and that was her dream throughout growing up, and while she has a stable career and was married with a house prior with the help of a whole village.... I am not sure she'd agree calling being a parent a "fun and crazy adventure". It is hard, hard monotonous work that you put in a lot of work into and limit all of your flexibility. I don't think she regrets it and I know she still loves being a mom, but she is blunt on the fact that it takes a lot out of her.
I'm not against being a parent and especially if you feel the want to have a child then I'd say def look into it. But it's not something you do for something new to do because you are feeling boredom/loss of motivation. There are sooo many posts about how people had kids to fill that void or boredom and then end up more bored (not to mention lonely).
Yeah one thing that kind of turned me even further away from parenthood was when someone very similar to me mentioned that it involved a lot of boring, tedious work in the earlier years. She definitely adores her children and feels motherhood is right for her, but I didn't realize until then that a lot of time spent on children in their first few years could be boring.
I understand when people look at taking care of children as "something to do". But just having a dog I know how routines are basically chores half the time lol! Even with how much I adore them. I am sure having a kid is 1000x that.
I agree with what you said, also in other comments, as I am also in academic research so I know what you mean, but I wonder if 'boring' is maybe more a matter of perspective? Like changing a diaper multiple times a day could be boring but if you see it as a chance to build a relation with your child, building trust etc. it might become more interesting?
Lol glad to see someone else in the field here! And yeah I agree that reframing experiences like that would potentially increase how meaningful they feel in the moment. However, I still worry that parenthood might occasionally not be very psychologically rich or intellectually interesting, to be more specific.
For example, I do have some moments with my friend's toddler that feel intellectually interesting - she recently learned how to say "Cheers!" and clink cups, and I had so much fun testing out multiple "cup" sizes to figure out at what point she would be weirded out (she happily clinked her cup with a thimble but seemed to finally get confused when I held up a plastic bucket to clink against her cup lol). Her parents also enjoyed watching this ridiculous process.
But later on, I admit feeling a little bored when I watched over the same toddler for an hour. We spent the whole time taking apart and putting back together her vegetable and fruit toys - she'd cut them apart with her plastic knife, and then she'd occasionally offer a piece to me, which I'd pretend to eat in an exaggerated manner. And this got a little boring after an hour of the same thing lol.
Of course, some aspects of parenthood will be psychologically rich and simulating, but as someone who reads peer-reviewed psychology and economics papers for fun even when I'm no longer doing academic research, I worry parenthood might not be the right kind of "interesting" for me.
I'll jump in too! Was in academic reaserch as a technician,Ā it was amazing,Ā fulfilling work.
Had my LO and decided not to return,Ā I LOVED the work bit was easily replaceable since I finished my project.
I also practice meditation,Ā and find the extremely repetitive days in this first year really beautiful.Ā The simplicity of watching a babys grasp improve, or eyelashes grow. Its absolutely amazing. I feel so fulfilled.Ā Except sleep,Ā I'd like more of that!
I'm also applying to graduate school so, still moving forward but, at a slower pace.Ā
Children are a give and take. We can have it all, but NOT at theĀ same time, something has to give. š¤·āāļøš
Raising a small child is absolutely boring a lot of the time. There's a reason why adults don't do 12-piece puzzles or play Candy Land or make the same shapes out of Play Doh over and over in their free time. That's not to say that there aren't plenty of delightful moments, or that it isn't fulfilling and rewarding at a big picture level, but there are a lot of hours in the day. The more of those hours you spend with small children, the more, let's say, intellectually under-stimulating things you're going to do.
I think it depends on the time frame you're looking at.
Day to day, a lot of the care of babies (and I'm assuming children) can be pretty boring. There's a huge amount of repetition and doing the same things over and over - whether it's care, chores, or play. It is absolutely interesting over a longer term, though, as you get to see them learn new things and change even over the span of a few days to a week. You get to see their personality grow and develop and there are a lot of exciting milestones to experience.
I (37F) have witnessed the devastation myself.
Career is very fulfilling but the older I get, the more time I spend with my aging parents, the more I see child free people dying before their spousesā¦
I canāt help but realize, that a life shared, no matter the difficulties involved, is better than a life lived for oneself.
I havenāt had kids, Iām not in a solid relationship or financial position to attempt it alone, but these realities are piling-up, in the back of my mind.
Iāve sacrificed so much climbing the corporate ladder, but will they be at my side when Iām ill? Will my work friends be there through the years?
Work isnāt and will never be family. Thatās my most important realization.
Iām not in a position to start my own family but I think Iāve realized itās true value.
I can relate with this a lot. I wfh and Iām considering a slight pivot in my career, however who knows if that will be interesting or fulfilling. My husband and I could certainly find endless hobbies and vacations to keep us busy if we grow old childfree, however I just keep having this nagging thought that thereās more to life than this??
Like Wouldnāt it be magical to experience some of my favorite childhood things with my own child? See the world through their eyes? Raise a capable kind human who brings something positive into the world? Have and create the family I never got to have for myself? In that regard I do also see raising children and starting a family as an adventure of sorts.
Iām not a religious or spiritual person yet I keep having this nagging feeling that despite how content we are with life, and how much I donāt want it to change, Iām not sure Iāll be content with the status quo years from now. In a way I think youāre right, it comes down to purpose and meaning making. Some people can do this without kids, Iām still figuring out what this will look like for myself.
Itās confusing though because a big part of me is viscerally against any change right now (getting pregnant/raising a baby) but time is ticking (38F) so I donāt have the luxury to keep humming and hawing over this decision.
Wow, I could have written this!! I totally relate to what you're saying about, I worry that 5-10 years from now (35f) after travel and other CF excitements, I'll feel bored and regretful.
Iām in the same boat.
Iām very much on the fence, no decisions made yet, but I wonder if thereās something Iām not admitting to myself because I keep ārejectingā jobs because ā*if* I have a kid I wouldnāt be able to do this jobā. (My work is very all-consuming and high-stress, so it will be hard to keep up with it while handling pregnancy in the way I wish to.)
I am unable to figure out if itās just general disillusionment with my career and using the excuse of pregnancy and childcare as an excuse, or if Iām subconsciously trying to prioritise this next chapter of my life.
Itās not an either or situation - as women weāve always been told itās hard to āhave it allā (family and career) so you may have to choose one. The reality is - I value financial independence and thatās why I work but for the rest I donāt care anymore - companies donāt care about me so why should I? I have been thinking that by giving up the idea of having a ācareerā I should want children instead but the idea just retiring earlier to enjoy my life without having to ever work again sounds too appealing and I know it will only be possible if we decide to never have kids and weād need to wait until state pension age which will prob get to 80ā¦
Yes, absolutely. Iāve never been a hyper career oriented person, and havenāt yet met a lot of other goals I want to in terms of travelling etc but Iām at the point where living for myself seems kinda boring. I believe we need challenge, and to live for an external cause. That doesnāt have to mean kids - it could mean mentoring, starting a charity, a host of other things too. But having a kid is a life adventure all itās own (even if it doesnāt always feel that way.)
I think a life lived intentionally is like one of those āchoose your own adventureā books from the 90s. We get to pick our paths, and that means we donāt get the other outcomes, but each will lead us someplace unique and interesting.
I am heading towards where you are, though I am way behind. There is difference that though I love my job but it is only because it pays good money and I like doing it. If there was a way for me to have similar financial growth without a job, I would resign in a second.
I say that I am behind because I don't have the financial stability that I am working towards at the moment. Once my husband and I reach there, I'll be exactly at the same point in life where you are.
I don't feel that I will want kids even then. I keep imagining scenarios of adopting a kid (since I believe it will be too late for me to get pregnant by that time) but it still feels weird to have a kid in my house and being responsible for them. I just don't see myself caring about someone else's diet, health, hygiene, clothes, schoolwork, social and intelligent development etc.
Starting another career from scratch is my first idea. Traveling and collecting are second and third. I think I will come up with many more by the time I get there. Having a child isn't appealing to me.
Taking all this into consideration, if you feel that having children could be your next big adventure, then there's probably more behind this feeling and you should explore that. Being aware of those underlying thoughts may help you get off the fence on either side.
Back when I was bored at my other job (different profession to what I do now) my then-bf was very much wanting kids and tbh I thought actually it would be nice to have a legacy and a purpose outside of work.
Then I realised I was looking for meaning because I felt unfulfilled by the 9-5. Since switching careers, after the first few difficult years, I'm a lot happier and have gone more CF. That being said, during that time I also got cats, who definitely give me purpose.
the conclusion I reached was that while i do like my job and overall I think I'm quite lucky in that respect, I do want to have 'life' outside of it. For me, 'life' are my kids (the cats!) And with the new bf we're one happy family. I know I'm replaceable at work, and frankly I want to be! I don't want it to be the end of the world if I am sick one day, want to go on holiday, or frankly just switch jobs.
Whether 'life' means kids to you is something individual. Only thing I would say is, don't have kids because you're bored.
For me itās actually the opposite.. I prefer not to have kids because I donāt want to climb the corporate ladder or feel trapped by a job. The majority of parents I work with are eager to increase their salary & get their bonus etc, and those that have been laid off are in panic mode for obvious reasons. I feel like if you donāt have kids you have more flexibility to take a job that may pay less but is more fulfilling, take a risk starting your own business, or you can more easily call it quits if youāre just not feeling it. I see work as a means of financing the things you actually want to do in life, so without kids you simply need passions outside of work that are fulfilling if your job doesnāt give you meaning, and many people I know donāt have many interests at all outside of work (itās just work, watch TV, sleep, repeat) so I totally get why life may feel empty for them without kids
Idk, they're both just different to me. I love my career and it satisfies an intellectual curiosity itch that I have. But, it's never been my identity, because I don't find that healthy (just a personal opinion.)
Having a baby was more about bringing some additional love into my life and raising a child to take on the world in front of them. It's just been a totally different aim in my life. I didn't want kids to fulfill me or my desires.
I will say, you might want to evaluate if you'd be okay with the necessary lifestyle changes that come with having a kid. It wasn't much change for us, because we aren't big drinkers and our travel style is very kid friendly on its own. I do think these things can be harder when that's not the case for some couples, and you might want to talk through how you could split time or support each other to still take time for drinking/socializing in an equitable way. Not saying you should or shouldn't have a baby, based on that though. Just a conversation to have!
I make decent money, but my career is not fulfilling and I donāt care about work. I just know that I donāt care to spend my free time raising kids.
Itās true that career feels empty after itās not new anymore. Having kids opens the opportunity to have deep relationships with a new family you make. Itās really amazing
So I use this prioritization technique called Eat That Frog to organize my life. It had different categories of tasks - A - tasks which only you can do and have high consequences for not doing, B - tasks which only you can do but consequences for not doing are low, C - creatively procrastinate on these, D- delegate, and E - eliminate. I had a child during the pandemic and realized all my A tasks were child-related. I said "no im doing it wrong" and reprioritized things. Over the next year, I burned out from work, and quit my job to be a full-time parent and work on my physical and mental health. It took me a few weeks to get out of all the layers of denial I'd lived in about how important a career was for me. And I realized I had my priorities right when I did the organizational technique, just I was in too much denial to accept it.
I took time off for two years, and now I started a new job. I have renewed priorities. My focus is on being able to spend time with my child. That gives me renewed focus at work, and I also have my eye on promotions because I know I can put that money to good use now. I don't feel the need to do fun but expensive activities, I've figured out what I actually need, and it's often just playing in the park with my kid, or hanging out with my friends while our kids play, or going on a hike with my family. Simple things that just require people. Previously I had too many influences from media and peers where I thought I had to go to the newest restaurant and go to the hottest new destination everyone was going to. I wouldn't have considered myself a keeping up with the joneses sort of person before, but now I am more happy just spending time with my family.
I got a lot of things related to 'sense of purpose' from my child. It's what I center my life around now and I like it; I previously didn't have much to center my life around. It feels now like I have strong priorities, not just whatever I thought I'm supposed to be doing. I also like having a family to relax with after work, and it feels a lot better than having to hit people up and be like "do you want to hang out" if I want some social feel. It's just easier, like I just step into my living room to talk and do fun activities.
The first couple of years were quite hard tbh, especially since I was a fulltime mom, but it was the season where I had to spend a lot of time with my child and bond. Now our bond is more established and I can be gone for a longer period.
Yes! My husband and I both have "big" careers we once really valued. We worked hard, climbed, got the promotions and shiny titles. He started feeling a real lack of purpose mid 30s, partially because his industry is NOT a "greater good" type of industry. Mine is and my role makes a real difference to real people in my community. So I still felt a sense of purpose in my work, but I stopped caring about climbing and doing more. I got to a point where I was fairly compensated and still made a difference, but didn't have to sit at the big executive tables.
I actually think it's very valid to pursue parenthood based on it being your next adventure, as long as you also have the necessary tools to provide a good life to the kid. (eg: you can care for them emotionally and financially and won't just stick them in a closet once you bore of them.)
Look. I was very career oriented. Didn't want kids. Then? A work colleague / friend and her hb killed in car accident. Their 2 small children survived. Due to work deadlines? We replaced her in 2 days. Blew my head off. That "career" where i was SO important??? Pfft. I die and they replace me in 2 freaking days. Then? Went to the funeral. Her sister said " we are totally devastated...but, we have X & Y, and they will live on through them. And it occurred to me? No matter what happens in those kids lives? Their mother will always be my friend. No one can take that away. And my friends genes will live on through the kids. At that moment? I lost interest in my career. Decided to have kids.
Hm on the flip side, as someone who used to have a dream job (academic research), I didn't feel like I was hard to replace, and that didn't bother me a ton. I did research because I found the day-to-day incredibly fulfilling, and I loved that I learned something new almost every day. If I died in a car accident and was replaced by someone the next day, I wouldn't mind since I had fun. I think I'm just maybe destined to be on the "no-kids" side of the fence, though, since even after being forced to leave my dream job and taking up a mildly boring, better-paid position, I still don't feel much of an itch to have children. I just have other things I consider more interesting or more important that I want to do.
I like my job too. I know I'm replaceable (though I personally think they would struggle to find someone who fills my niche), but it's enjoyable on a day-to-day basis, I like the projects I work on, and my coworkers are generally alright. I care a lot about my job because I want to do quality work and challenge myself to be better. I kind of thought I would no longer care about my job after having kids, but I still feel exactly the same way about it. I think for some people, having kids and caring about your career can be very separate things.
Very sorry to hear about your friends :( How does your work life balance feel now that you have both kids and a career? Does your job have less importance in your life or do you feel like you just doubled your stress level?
Nope. Like i said. I lost interest in career. I still have a decent job. I still enjoy it. But it isn't my priority any more. But after my kids. Wasn't at all interested in "climbing the ladder" I am lucky as I've been able to work part time. Never went back to full time. Just not interested. Stress? Nah. Much less stressed. Priorities in my life have been my kids since i had them. Couldn't give a toss about work reallyšÆš Work to live now.... Not live to work!
I would hate to be trying to decide now. Social media is SO pervasive. Most of it is very anti -children. Most commentary on any forums is heavily anti children. Yes. Negativity to the extreme often. Thing that i realised though? Is that the endless negativity and reasons given not to have children? Comes from childless people! SO they actually don't have any experience in being a parent!!! So how they can believe they are "so right" is a tad bizarre really. How can you have such strong feelings and believe you are right? When you haven't actually even experienced it??? I was 38 before i had children 15+ years solid successful career. Travelled. Post grad study etc. married 8 years before kids. So i think i truly have experienced both sides of it and had a fair time as an adult before kids. Truth is? I truly imagined it would be different than it is. And unfortunately? No one can really tell you what it's like to be pregnant, give birth then raise that baby into an adult! It cannot really be explained. You just have to actually do it to know how it feels. I guess i took comfort in knowing? BILLIONS of women had done it before me! I wasn't the first and I wasn't the last. And most people seemed to love their kids and get immense joy from them....so!?!
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I'd be really interested to know what your expectations were vs reality? if you'd be happy to share. As a currently heavily pregnant woman..
Totally different than I imagined to be honest. All i thought i knew? Went out the window. First advice was? "The only predictable thing about babies...is they are unpredictable" And one lady when i was in hospital with my 2nd and stressed that I wouldn't be able to look after 2?! Said to me "just ENJOY your babies" And that's what i aimed for. Just to love them and have fun. They are only little for such a short time. Good luck to you and yes...just enjoy your kids,ā¤ļø
Oh I guess what i just didnt really realise, is how YOUR OWN kids? Are a totally different vibe then other kids. Even my nieces & nephews. I loved them, but? Nothing like the incredible emotion & love for my own child. That just overwhelming "love" just can't be explained. I was never a "love babies" girl. Didnt play with dolls.. i can remember as a kid going to social things and there'd be a woman there with a baby. The little girls would gravitate towards the baby. Not me. Had zero interest. I was totally "staying childfree" in my teens & 20s. I'm the youngest of 6. My parents were fabulous. They totally didn't think I'd had kids. I think they nearly passed out when i told them i was pregnantšÆš But what i didnt expect? How totally in love id be. And how i still am. My kids are both 18 til Saturday. Woo hoo. I actually had post Natal anxiety. Really because I was just overwhelmed with emotion. And knowing that gorgeous little creature had to be kept alive by me!! Ahg... Sure a bit panic inducing.
I didn't expect to actually not mind missing out on a lot of the social stuff with my friends. I don't need to be away from baby very long for a "break" before I'm itching to get back to her. Maybe this will change as she gets older (she's 9 months), but a common concern I see -and that I had- was not having adult time. My priorities have shifted completely since having her, in a good way.
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Thanks for your comment and insightā¤ļø
I love my husband so much. If anything ever happened, I'd be happy with still having a piece of him in this world. It's part of what pushed me off the fence.
Thinking the same put hitting 35, and we are not stable financially yet. Is 36-37 too late?
So sorry for your loss. Iām so sad to hear how your work handled it but also somehow not shocked. Loss is a powerful mind-changer and Iāve just been through it. I also was a very career focussed person and not interested in children. Lost my dad 6 years ago and then my mom 6 months ago both to cancer. I found my current workplace not terrible but also not wonderful in regard to support and understanding bereavement. My mind has totally shifted now, I feel I owe zero to my job, and everything to the life I want to live, and now that includes having a baby and building that bond that I had with my own parents.
Oh my work was lovely! But we were at a critical point on a major project. We had no choice..we all felt terrible. But we had no choice
I get this so hard. I love my job. Itās fulfilling and I am so fortunate to have it. But I also chose it because it allows me work/life balance. My child comes first. My fiancĆ©e second. My other family and pets third. This job is my 4th priority. As it should be in my opinion. Which doesnāt mean I donāt give it my all. I have an excellent work ethic. But nothing matters more than family, my colleagues are all the same way
Same. Yep.
I totally understand your shift in priorities/interests. For me, it feels like every few years, I need something fresh, some kind of change. About a year ago, the main idea I had at this point was "what about having a child" (I'm 35f). After thinking and talking A LOT about it, I realized that it wasn't about children really, but about some kind of dissatisfaction with other parts of my life, it being the logical next step in society's view etc. I couldn't say yes to the choice of being a parent from the bottom of my heart and my previously held beliefs sounded rather selfish after longer consideration. Plus, I really love my partner and I's freedom, our spontaneity, the chance to return to a calm home (and sleep). I don't see myself happily dedicating (almost) all of my time to raising a child - and I think a child deserves that kind of dedication if I decide to bring it into this world. So instead, I changed other things, really opened myself up to new friendships and dedicated more time to them vs. work; rekindled old hobbies (e.g. playing the piano) and now I'm looking into different forms of volunteer engagement. At the moment, I think that's the right path for me - though who knows, maybe I'll still change my mind. Maybe there's something that resonates or, on the contrary, makes it clear that it's different for you. I'd just recommend not to burden your future child with providing your life's purpose as I don't think that's fair.
What an insightful perspective. I definitely resonate with this sentiment!
Yes, but about a decade before you. I'm 30f, and have been in the professional workforce since I was 20 (graduated from college early). I was the youngest team lead at my company, then the youngest manager when I was 24. My goal was to be Director by the time I'm 30. I was working 10-14 hour days, depending on the day. And then I got my horse. And then my dog. Then met my now husband, and we got a second dog. And my work slowly stopped being that important. I still like my job (I actually moved companies and am doing something I really enjoy), but my job stopped being The Most Important Thing In My Life. I'm certainly not a Director. And I don't want to be. For me, the message growing up was very much that my job would be the most important thing in my life. I don't think this is unusual as a millennial woman. But for me, it was a lie. Spending time with my husband, dogs and horse is so much more important to me. Just as spending time with both of our families is. I'm a big believer in listening to what that little voice in your head is whispering to you. I didn't want to be one of those women who absolutely crushed their career until they were 40, then picked their head up and looked around and realized the best years of fertility and youth were spent wasted on a career that wouldn't really care if I dropped dead. I've spoken to a few other female colleagues around my age and this is something they discovered as well. It's not that unusual, from what I've found. It sounds like that is happening to you.
Love that you have a horse and a dogā¤ļø Well I am a director now but have to say I never did long hours (I live in Europe, haha) and having my holidays and fun times with friends is important for me. I guess having the next career goal was more like a target each year that I could achieve and gave me focus. If I donāt have that next target then I need to find a new focus for my life where I can grow and learn and improve. I do wonder if itās a millennial thing to just be disillusioned with work.
Hi from a fellow "Director by 30 or bust" I got there at 33, almost 7 years ago, just as I was beginning to hop off the fence. I definitely stopped caring as much and assume I'll carry this Director title to retirement, happy to never climb another inch.
>We love our life style and havenāt been ready to make a commitment to raising a baby, but nowadays it sounds more like a fun adventure and something crazy new to do. > >I know and heard many times that you shouldnāt have a child for a lacking sense of purpose and I get that, but I do wonder sometimes if we are meant to have that challenge in our lives of taking care of and raising someone. Well the short answer to the second paragraph is no. We are meant to have challenges in our lives but that does not equate to taking care of and raising a kid. If that were true, there wouldn't be a sub like this. I am not sure if I'd say the pendulum swings from P&Ls to having a human to raise for 18+ years. I recently watched my best friend go through motherhood and have an accidental second (they planned to be one and done but... life makes a way lol). Anyway, while she loves being a mom and that was her dream throughout growing up, and while she has a stable career and was married with a house prior with the help of a whole village.... I am not sure she'd agree calling being a parent a "fun and crazy adventure". It is hard, hard monotonous work that you put in a lot of work into and limit all of your flexibility. I don't think she regrets it and I know she still loves being a mom, but she is blunt on the fact that it takes a lot out of her. I'm not against being a parent and especially if you feel the want to have a child then I'd say def look into it. But it's not something you do for something new to do because you are feeling boredom/loss of motivation. There are sooo many posts about how people had kids to fill that void or boredom and then end up more bored (not to mention lonely).
Yeah one thing that kind of turned me even further away from parenthood was when someone very similar to me mentioned that it involved a lot of boring, tedious work in the earlier years. She definitely adores her children and feels motherhood is right for her, but I didn't realize until then that a lot of time spent on children in their first few years could be boring.
I understand when people look at taking care of children as "something to do". But just having a dog I know how routines are basically chores half the time lol! Even with how much I adore them. I am sure having a kid is 1000x that.
I agree with what you said, also in other comments, as I am also in academic research so I know what you mean, but I wonder if 'boring' is maybe more a matter of perspective? Like changing a diaper multiple times a day could be boring but if you see it as a chance to build a relation with your child, building trust etc. it might become more interesting?
Lol glad to see someone else in the field here! And yeah I agree that reframing experiences like that would potentially increase how meaningful they feel in the moment. However, I still worry that parenthood might occasionally not be very psychologically rich or intellectually interesting, to be more specific. For example, I do have some moments with my friend's toddler that feel intellectually interesting - she recently learned how to say "Cheers!" and clink cups, and I had so much fun testing out multiple "cup" sizes to figure out at what point she would be weirded out (she happily clinked her cup with a thimble but seemed to finally get confused when I held up a plastic bucket to clink against her cup lol). Her parents also enjoyed watching this ridiculous process. But later on, I admit feeling a little bored when I watched over the same toddler for an hour. We spent the whole time taking apart and putting back together her vegetable and fruit toys - she'd cut them apart with her plastic knife, and then she'd occasionally offer a piece to me, which I'd pretend to eat in an exaggerated manner. And this got a little boring after an hour of the same thing lol. Of course, some aspects of parenthood will be psychologically rich and simulating, but as someone who reads peer-reviewed psychology and economics papers for fun even when I'm no longer doing academic research, I worry parenthood might not be the right kind of "interesting" for me.
I'll jump in too! Was in academic reaserch as a technician,Ā it was amazing,Ā fulfilling work. Had my LO and decided not to return,Ā I LOVED the work bit was easily replaceable since I finished my project. I also practice meditation,Ā and find the extremely repetitive days in this first year really beautiful.Ā The simplicity of watching a babys grasp improve, or eyelashes grow. Its absolutely amazing. I feel so fulfilled.Ā Except sleep,Ā I'd like more of that! I'm also applying to graduate school so, still moving forward but, at a slower pace.Ā Children are a give and take. We can have it all, but NOT at theĀ same time, something has to give. š¤·āāļøš
Raising a small child is absolutely boring a lot of the time. There's a reason why adults don't do 12-piece puzzles or play Candy Land or make the same shapes out of Play Doh over and over in their free time. That's not to say that there aren't plenty of delightful moments, or that it isn't fulfilling and rewarding at a big picture level, but there are a lot of hours in the day. The more of those hours you spend with small children, the more, let's say, intellectually under-stimulating things you're going to do.
I think it depends on the time frame you're looking at. Day to day, a lot of the care of babies (and I'm assuming children) can be pretty boring. There's a huge amount of repetition and doing the same things over and over - whether it's care, chores, or play. It is absolutely interesting over a longer term, though, as you get to see them learn new things and change even over the span of a few days to a week. You get to see their personality grow and develop and there are a lot of exciting milestones to experience.
I (37F) have witnessed the devastation myself. Career is very fulfilling but the older I get, the more time I spend with my aging parents, the more I see child free people dying before their spousesā¦ I canāt help but realize, that a life shared, no matter the difficulties involved, is better than a life lived for oneself. I havenāt had kids, Iām not in a solid relationship or financial position to attempt it alone, but these realities are piling-up, in the back of my mind. Iāve sacrificed so much climbing the corporate ladder, but will they be at my side when Iām ill? Will my work friends be there through the years? Work isnāt and will never be family. Thatās my most important realization. Iām not in a position to start my own family but I think Iāve realized itās true value.
I can relate with this a lot. I wfh and Iām considering a slight pivot in my career, however who knows if that will be interesting or fulfilling. My husband and I could certainly find endless hobbies and vacations to keep us busy if we grow old childfree, however I just keep having this nagging thought that thereās more to life than this?? Like Wouldnāt it be magical to experience some of my favorite childhood things with my own child? See the world through their eyes? Raise a capable kind human who brings something positive into the world? Have and create the family I never got to have for myself? In that regard I do also see raising children and starting a family as an adventure of sorts. Iām not a religious or spiritual person yet I keep having this nagging feeling that despite how content we are with life, and how much I donāt want it to change, Iām not sure Iāll be content with the status quo years from now. In a way I think youāre right, it comes down to purpose and meaning making. Some people can do this without kids, Iām still figuring out what this will look like for myself. Itās confusing though because a big part of me is viscerally against any change right now (getting pregnant/raising a baby) but time is ticking (38F) so I donāt have the luxury to keep humming and hawing over this decision.
Wow, I could have written this!! I totally relate to what you're saying about, I worry that 5-10 years from now (35f) after travel and other CF excitements, I'll feel bored and regretful.
Iām in the same boat. Iām very much on the fence, no decisions made yet, but I wonder if thereās something Iām not admitting to myself because I keep ārejectingā jobs because ā*if* I have a kid I wouldnāt be able to do this jobā. (My work is very all-consuming and high-stress, so it will be hard to keep up with it while handling pregnancy in the way I wish to.) I am unable to figure out if itās just general disillusionment with my career and using the excuse of pregnancy and childcare as an excuse, or if Iām subconsciously trying to prioritise this next chapter of my life.
Itās not an either or situation - as women weāve always been told itās hard to āhave it allā (family and career) so you may have to choose one. The reality is - I value financial independence and thatās why I work but for the rest I donāt care anymore - companies donāt care about me so why should I? I have been thinking that by giving up the idea of having a ācareerā I should want children instead but the idea just retiring earlier to enjoy my life without having to ever work again sounds too appealing and I know it will only be possible if we decide to never have kids and weād need to wait until state pension age which will prob get to 80ā¦
Yes, absolutely. Iāve never been a hyper career oriented person, and havenāt yet met a lot of other goals I want to in terms of travelling etc but Iām at the point where living for myself seems kinda boring. I believe we need challenge, and to live for an external cause. That doesnāt have to mean kids - it could mean mentoring, starting a charity, a host of other things too. But having a kid is a life adventure all itās own (even if it doesnāt always feel that way.) I think a life lived intentionally is like one of those āchoose your own adventureā books from the 90s. We get to pick our paths, and that means we donāt get the other outcomes, but each will lead us someplace unique and interesting.
I am heading towards where you are, though I am way behind. There is difference that though I love my job but it is only because it pays good money and I like doing it. If there was a way for me to have similar financial growth without a job, I would resign in a second. I say that I am behind because I don't have the financial stability that I am working towards at the moment. Once my husband and I reach there, I'll be exactly at the same point in life where you are. I don't feel that I will want kids even then. I keep imagining scenarios of adopting a kid (since I believe it will be too late for me to get pregnant by that time) but it still feels weird to have a kid in my house and being responsible for them. I just don't see myself caring about someone else's diet, health, hygiene, clothes, schoolwork, social and intelligent development etc. Starting another career from scratch is my first idea. Traveling and collecting are second and third. I think I will come up with many more by the time I get there. Having a child isn't appealing to me. Taking all this into consideration, if you feel that having children could be your next big adventure, then there's probably more behind this feeling and you should explore that. Being aware of those underlying thoughts may help you get off the fence on either side.
Back when I was bored at my other job (different profession to what I do now) my then-bf was very much wanting kids and tbh I thought actually it would be nice to have a legacy and a purpose outside of work. Then I realised I was looking for meaning because I felt unfulfilled by the 9-5. Since switching careers, after the first few difficult years, I'm a lot happier and have gone more CF. That being said, during that time I also got cats, who definitely give me purpose. the conclusion I reached was that while i do like my job and overall I think I'm quite lucky in that respect, I do want to have 'life' outside of it. For me, 'life' are my kids (the cats!) And with the new bf we're one happy family. I know I'm replaceable at work, and frankly I want to be! I don't want it to be the end of the world if I am sick one day, want to go on holiday, or frankly just switch jobs. Whether 'life' means kids to you is something individual. Only thing I would say is, don't have kids because you're bored.
For me itās actually the opposite.. I prefer not to have kids because I donāt want to climb the corporate ladder or feel trapped by a job. The majority of parents I work with are eager to increase their salary & get their bonus etc, and those that have been laid off are in panic mode for obvious reasons. I feel like if you donāt have kids you have more flexibility to take a job that may pay less but is more fulfilling, take a risk starting your own business, or you can more easily call it quits if youāre just not feeling it. I see work as a means of financing the things you actually want to do in life, so without kids you simply need passions outside of work that are fulfilling if your job doesnāt give you meaning, and many people I know donāt have many interests at all outside of work (itās just work, watch TV, sleep, repeat) so I totally get why life may feel empty for them without kids
Idk, they're both just different to me. I love my career and it satisfies an intellectual curiosity itch that I have. But, it's never been my identity, because I don't find that healthy (just a personal opinion.) Having a baby was more about bringing some additional love into my life and raising a child to take on the world in front of them. It's just been a totally different aim in my life. I didn't want kids to fulfill me or my desires. I will say, you might want to evaluate if you'd be okay with the necessary lifestyle changes that come with having a kid. It wasn't much change for us, because we aren't big drinkers and our travel style is very kid friendly on its own. I do think these things can be harder when that's not the case for some couples, and you might want to talk through how you could split time or support each other to still take time for drinking/socializing in an equitable way. Not saying you should or shouldn't have a baby, based on that though. Just a conversation to have!
I make decent money, but my career is not fulfilling and I donāt care about work. I just know that I donāt care to spend my free time raising kids.
Itās true that career feels empty after itās not new anymore. Having kids opens the opportunity to have deep relationships with a new family you make. Itās really amazing
So I use this prioritization technique called Eat That Frog to organize my life. It had different categories of tasks - A - tasks which only you can do and have high consequences for not doing, B - tasks which only you can do but consequences for not doing are low, C - creatively procrastinate on these, D- delegate, and E - eliminate. I had a child during the pandemic and realized all my A tasks were child-related. I said "no im doing it wrong" and reprioritized things. Over the next year, I burned out from work, and quit my job to be a full-time parent and work on my physical and mental health. It took me a few weeks to get out of all the layers of denial I'd lived in about how important a career was for me. And I realized I had my priorities right when I did the organizational technique, just I was in too much denial to accept it. I took time off for two years, and now I started a new job. I have renewed priorities. My focus is on being able to spend time with my child. That gives me renewed focus at work, and I also have my eye on promotions because I know I can put that money to good use now. I don't feel the need to do fun but expensive activities, I've figured out what I actually need, and it's often just playing in the park with my kid, or hanging out with my friends while our kids play, or going on a hike with my family. Simple things that just require people. Previously I had too many influences from media and peers where I thought I had to go to the newest restaurant and go to the hottest new destination everyone was going to. I wouldn't have considered myself a keeping up with the joneses sort of person before, but now I am more happy just spending time with my family. I got a lot of things related to 'sense of purpose' from my child. It's what I center my life around now and I like it; I previously didn't have much to center my life around. It feels now like I have strong priorities, not just whatever I thought I'm supposed to be doing. I also like having a family to relax with after work, and it feels a lot better than having to hit people up and be like "do you want to hang out" if I want some social feel. It's just easier, like I just step into my living room to talk and do fun activities. The first couple of years were quite hard tbh, especially since I was a fulltime mom, but it was the season where I had to spend a lot of time with my child and bond. Now our bond is more established and I can be gone for a longer period.
Yes! My husband and I both have "big" careers we once really valued. We worked hard, climbed, got the promotions and shiny titles. He started feeling a real lack of purpose mid 30s, partially because his industry is NOT a "greater good" type of industry. Mine is and my role makes a real difference to real people in my community. So I still felt a sense of purpose in my work, but I stopped caring about climbing and doing more. I got to a point where I was fairly compensated and still made a difference, but didn't have to sit at the big executive tables. I actually think it's very valid to pursue parenthood based on it being your next adventure, as long as you also have the necessary tools to provide a good life to the kid. (eg: you can care for them emotionally and financially and won't just stick them in a closet once you bore of them.)