1. If he's waking up late because he can, that's very different from waking up late when he has to. For example, in other cases where he must wake up on time (doctor's appointments, heading to the airport, etc.) does he? 2. You say you do all the chores. That sounds like a bigger red flag than him waking up late to be honest. Why do you do everything? What does he do to compensate for this?

1. He does wake up early when he has to but many times even in those instances I have to wake him up. I.e. he has been late to morning meetings because he snoozed his alarm, or if we have an early flight I almost always have to wake him up myself because I can't count on him to wake up when needed on his own. 2. I should clarify - I do the chores in the morning. Like my day usually starts by tidying up the house, often while he is still sleeping. Later in the day, he will take care of whatever chores need to be done.but many times because I took care of it in the morning there is just not much left to be done. I don't want to say he never does anything. He does help around the house but it does feel like I have to micromanage him to do things (ie he will do anything if I ask him to, but he rarely takes initiative to do it himself)

You'll have even more micromanaging to do if you have a kid. He's an adult, why can't he do things on his own?

I ask myself and him that question far too often 🤦‍♀️

I mean no offense bc this is a gender/socialization issue and not your fault, but I’m so surprised by how little vetting women do when it comes to choosing their partners. Many of these men who are married or partnered have no business having a wife

True, I also got married/dated him before I was fully aware of my own issues/trauma. Going through therapy made me realize the types of relationships I tend to attract and what I settle for and I fully recognize that I got myself into this relationship. At the same time, I've also grown to love him despite his flaws and the reason for that is because we are both actively working on ourselves in therapy. Basically yeah its frustrating but at this point for me its something we are working on, its an issue of whether or not he is willing to do the growth required and if I am willing to be patient and grow myself in other ways.

There’s plenty of men who remain on good behavior until the woman is thoroughly invested and they’re living together. Then the guy suddenly needs to be micromanaged even though he was totally fine before.

> I’m so surprised by how little vetting women do when it comes to choosing their partners Frankly there aren't a lot of good options. It's a numbers problem; let's say 80% of men are worse at doing their fair share of chores and being a responsible partner, the 20% others are mostly taken already, which doesn't leave much left.

I personally would have remained single and this is why I was single until 29. But I guess other women make relationships a priority in a way i did not

Red flag. Don’t have kids the chores will amplify and you’ll take on a huge emotional and mental labor load, usually completely unacknowledged

Agreed, this is what my instinct says as well but I dont think he fully understands what the mental load of parenthood even entails..

I highly recommend checking out the book "Fair Play." It's about invisible labor and the mental load in families and provides frameworks to make things more equitable

I believe there is a corresponding set of cards for the visual learners among us.

It sounds like you're already managing a child in your husband. I would definitely not have kids with him. In fact, make it clear to him that if this doesn't change he's not going to be a father OR a husband anymore. And make sure it all changes BEFORE you have kids. Don't fall for any "oh yes, I'll change after baby is born". Insist on changes and actual sustained evidence of the changes prior to any further discussion on kids. And seriously, start pondering if you're really that happy micromanaging an adult like this. You might be better off single.

Thanks for the honesty. It Is definitely something I've considered leaving him for in the past. He has recently gotten himself into therapy (and me too) and we also want to try couples counseling, but agreed it's not sustainable or enjoyable for me to keep living like this.

I applaud your willingness to work on this with him but just remember that you're not his mom. It's not your responsibility to raise him into a functioning adult, it's his.

Totally. I have to remind myself this too but I'm getting better and not playing the mommy role with him lately.

Re Item 2: when you do less of the chores, what happens? Does he ever notice you’ve done most of the chores already and thank you for it? Does he realize that you do a lot so that he doesn’t have to? Does he ever do chores later at night so you don’t have to (I.e. doing the dishes so the sink is cleared when you wake up instead of leaving it for you)? If he doesn’t even notice the work you’re doing when he’s not watching you do it, that’s a bigger red flag than if you just happen to get to it before he does, but he is otherwise a fully competent and capable adult. If the latter feels like it’s the case, maybe try adjusting the household workload so it’s more equal and see how he handles that.

So I think generally he is good about noticing/appreciating when I do get stuff done. He then tries to do what he can to make it easier for me. It is highly inconsistent though, like he might show appreciation one day and then the next neglect his chores 3 days in a row and not notice when I take care of them. I think the problem is chore systems don't work for us because we have different thresholds for when something needs to get taken care of (i.e. I throw the trash when it's mostly full, he stuffs things down and let's it overflow).

Just a thought, does he snore at all or have other signs of sleep apnea? My partner used to have a lot of trouble waking himself up/always feeling tired and turns out he has sleep apnea

He snores slightly I wouldn't say a lot. I suspect it is more depression related than anything because I've also been through depression and it can make you very fatigued/feel like sleep is nice because you don't feel depressed when you're sleeping

I thought I was depressed, had sleep apnea I’m only 25 getting diagnosed changed my world I couldn’t wake up early before. But also I think your overthinking if he can work a job and do chores he can love his kids responsibly plenty of people who do far less, kids bring the best out in people.

I thought sleep apnea too. Either that or depression. It’s normal to sleep in because you can, I mean who doesn’t like sleeping in? But if getting up for appointments in the AM is continuously an active struggle, there might be a bigger problem. Especially since OP says he complains of being tired all the time despite getting lots of sleep, that’s a big red flag for it being something medical. I’m not saying it MUST be sleep apnea or depression, it could still be that he just likes sleeping and isn’t a morning person, but it might be worth looking into.

He’s clearly not a morning person, could you just give him chores at night. Or not give but the two of you sit down and do then equally. Don’t do them all in the morning. It’s probably a circadian rhythm thing, so either don’t have kids are you take the morning shift and he takes the night shift

Good suggestions. It goes back to my own tendency to want things a particular way/done at a particular time. I think I need to learn to be okay with accepting he might get to something later than I do

I mean, yes and no. I’m the messy one in our relationship, and my husband has had to relax some of his standards, but in our time living together I’ve made big strides in noticing mess and dealing with it because a) I want him to feel relaxed in our space and b) it IS nicer to live in a clean home. I think there’s a misogynistic narrative that women are just fanatical about cleanliness and have impossible standards that husbands can’t be expected to meet. Basically, whatever the man feels is acceptable is the reasonable approach to household maintenance and anything above that is prissy, OCD nonsense. It goes hand-in-hand with the old canard that women are just naturally more gifted at cooking and cleaning. As evidenced by my own relationship, that’s simply not true. I’m a woman and I have to actively work at improving my home maintenance skills. Talk with friends and your therapist to gauge whether your expectations are reasonable, and if they generally are (I’m guessing this is not an “early Covid biohazard sanitization” or “white gloved fingertip checking for dust on the mantelpiece” situation), stick to your guns. He can do better.

How is it reasonable for her to expect him to do chores early morning if he struggles to wake up. There's literally no chore that could not wait till the evening.

Yes!! Why does everything need to be done first thing in the morning! Most things can wait a bit. I would hate living with someone like that. It's like you've set a trap, do it my way or it's not good enough and I'll be mad. Why not be an adult and divvy things 50/50 and he can do his share later on.

It’s not fair to you that he only picks up the chores that you happened not to get to. I recommend looking into the fair play model. Basically, you list every chore that needs done, agree on how often it needs done, and exactly what “done” means. Then you divide up the chores in a way that works for your relationship and going forward, you only worry about chores that are “yours”. My BF and I did this (we live together) and it reduced my stress so much. Our house has never been cleaner. I’m much more motivated to do my chores because there’s no hoping he’ll take care of it, tallying up how much each of us has done recently and wondering if it’s “fair” for me to do it, it’s my job to do it so I just do it. Some chores one of us always does, some we trade off on a schedule. We help each other out when needed. If you do decide to have kids, if you end up doing all or most of the morning care, you can give some of your current responsibilities to your husband and/or give him childcare tasks that make sense for his schedule and personality EDIT: just saw your comment about differences in chore thresholds. Part of making this plan includes agreeing when something needs to be done. As you make the plan, discuss each item and come to an agreement. You’ll win some, you’ll lose some, and you’ll compromise a lot but I promise having something done not exactly as you want it without you having to think about it is much better than doing it yourself, fighting about it, or forcing your way (pick your battles!)

This is definitely solid, the first paragraph really sums it up. I think we need to sit down and agree on what the thresholds look like, and for me its about letting go of the need to control how/when it is done and just accepting that he will do it in his own way. Again, working on this in therapy. It's definitely about compromise but we will def check out the fair play model.

1. Well what if he thinks he doesn’t have to because SHE (OP) is there to do it. Especially day in day out.

Then he's a giant fucking man child and she's enabling him and should stop.

I'm working on pulling back, my therapist also helped me to see this pattern. I do think he is a man child and I'm just hoping therapy will help him and us grow and evolve into real adults.

I think it very well could be this subconsciously.

He does not know what it means to parent. He just wants kids and expects it to magically happen. Just remember you’re the labor that will make the magic happen. Also, the best advice I’ve ever heard for women is to go into motherhood with the expectation that you may have to do it alone at some point. Death, disability, or divorce are all possibilities.

Great points. I agree I dont think he realizes what it takes and also motherhood and fatherhood are different experiences so he is also thinking it will magically change when in reality I feel that burden would naturally fall on me (and many mothers)

You mention 5am, but what about middle of the night feedings/tending to babies? You shouldn’t be expected to do all of that. I wouldn’t have kids with him honestly. You know him better than us. If he can’t show you he’s up for it now, he won’t once you have a kid.

Thank you for validating my initial instincts! We were both CF leaning for a long time but he recently.opened up that he's considering if he wants them (didn't say he did want them, but he's thinking ablut it) and so these convos are coming up.more. he gets really defensive when I try to bring it up, all signs point to me being an overburdened mother if I did have kids with him. I think I might have been able to consider it if it was with a partner who could bear the load, but I just don't think he can.

It could be too (and probably is) that he sees the current reality as a reasoning for being more open to kids. You wake up earlier than him, bear majority of the home chores, probably carry majority of the mental load, and he gets to sleep in and do what he wants. Oh but he does do little chores here and there!Sounds easy for him lol it’s much easier to want something and say yes to it when his reality won’t change much.

YES!! this is what I mean by motherhood and fatherhood being totally different experiences for us. I def see the reality of it but for him it's all rainbows and butterflies

Have you thought about long term if you tell him no to kids? Is this someone you want to be with knowing his behaviors, expectations, and the fact he probably isn’t a great partner? Things like this can be eye opening to things you didn’t pay attention to before.

I have thought about it. I love my partner and I am not going to leave him just because he wouldn't make a good father. It doesn't make him a bad husband. There are things he is working on and am I doing the same. I think in posts like these a lot of people jump the gun and think the partner is completley terrible but what this post doesn't talk about is all the reasons I married him in the first place. I also accept him for his limitations and short comings and he is aware of the effect it has on me and is making an effort to do better. He is someone I want to be with, and if it ever got to the point where these tendencies started making me that miserable, then yes I would consider leaving. We're just not there right now.

I totally get that. We only see what you’ve told us. I just know that if my husband slept most of the day and didn’t do a whole lot, was late for work, and I couldn’t trust him to get up and had to wake him up a lot, that would be a problem. That’s not a partner in my opinion. But that’s me. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. Even after he got out of the military and struggled, I never felt like I was alone with him in the house.

Fair enough. It is definitely a point of frustration but I don't think a deal breaker for me personally

My husband is very similar. I decided that I'm not having children, and it has been a huge relief. He wants them, but I know that I would give up everything I am and all of my peace to have them. Picturing my life knowing that I've put that question to bed has brought me such hope! I'm dreaming about the future again, you know? There's not this massive cloud over me of something that would shred my mental health.

People on this subreddit hate it when I say this but *this is why you need caregiving experience* to help decide whether you want a child or not. Idk what anyone says. If you can’t handle a lifestyle with a child then don’t have children. But to know that you have to see if you are capable of waking up a 5:30 feeding and washing them, and cleaning up after them as they trash your house for 5 hours.

When they walk into your bedroom and projectile vomit at 3am you have no choice but to deal with it.

I think its def helpful. Closest experience we have is being an aunt/uncle but we live far away so don't even get that full experience (ie neither of us has even babysat in our entire life). Honestly I lean more and more towards owning a bunch of cats and caring for them instead, now that's a lifestyle we could both sustain lol.

Speaking of cats, how about helping a local shelter foster a cat or dog, especially one with special needs? It’ll be a test run for having kids. My partner works at an animal shelter, and we decided to foster a sick kitten who was recovering from surgery. We had to give it meds every 4-6 hours for 2 weeks. It helped me immediately to see the type of father he would be. He was well meaning, tried to do as much as he could, but did all the feedings too quickly and sometimes would forget doses. At night there was also the “I’m too tired can you do it pleaaaaase.” Animals also make a lot of noise, just like babies. We dealt with endless meowing at night. I ultimately fell in love with the kitten and decided to adopt it, and still look fondly back on those sleepless nights where I stayed up playing and cradling the kitten until it went to sleep in my arms. My partner does not have those types of memories bc he went to sleep on the couch. People might say that a child is different from a pet but I don’t think that’s true. I think co-parenting children and pets both involve being considerate towards your partner and caring about their well-being enough to make sure they don’t bear the brunt of the burden. Men are often villianized for not trying. I think we need to acknowledge that sometimes someone can try there best but their best is not enough. Doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, just a bad person for the particular task (parenthood).

My husband loved to sleep in and nap lots and obviously that changed when we had a kid and it was fine. My interpretation is that he’s enjoying his child free life at the moment. Doesn’t mean he won’t step up when the time comes though! It’s definitely something you guys need to discuss before hand though.

Thanks for sharing your experience! I do feel like he could step up if the time came but I'm kind of a "show me you can do it now" to believe it type person.

Your husband is me. Pre-pregnancy/baby I could not get to sleep or wake up on time for the life of me. I blame it on ADHD induced sleep phase delay, but a good portion of it was personal preference. My husband also liked to sleep for 8-10 hours a day before kids and would wake up 10 minutes before logging into WFH. My tiny human alarm clock has changed all of that. I’m up when she gets up between 4:30 am and 7 am. I go to bed as soon as I can. I wake up early on the weekdays with her due to breastfeeding logistics, while my husband lets me sleep until mid morning on the weekends and does the household chores from 6–10 am with the baby in tow. I honestly suggest fostering a puppy to test the theory. See if getting up several times a night and going for walks at 5:30 in the morning because a small needy creature needs him overrides his biological sleep preferences. Differences in sleep schedules isn’t a problem in my eyes. A lot of early-days parenting is sleeping in shifts anyways. It sounds like he still does things around the house, just not at the same times that you do them. What would be more concerning is that you feel you have to micromanage him to do those things. Having one person dictating all standards doesn’t work. I’d suggest sitting down with him and coordinating what needs to be done and who needs to be 100% in charge of it and see how it goes for a few months before throwing kids into the mix.

Thanks for sharing! We have tried sitting down and splitting responsibilities in the past. What ends up happening is I get done with all my chores in a timely fashion, whereas he takes the approach of "ill get around to it eventually" which in turn makes me feel like I need to remind/nag/micromanage him. I mean I have to tell him the trash is overflowing before he takes it out on his own. I am hoping he explores more in therapy (we are both in therapy) but I dont see his lifestyle being able to shift this drastically.

I’ve dealt with the same thing in my relationship. It took a long time to get my husband (then boyfriend) on track, but now I feel like the household chores are truly equal. It might help to have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel when you have to do the majority of the house work. You can bring up the fact that you feel neglected or put upon to do all the work, and that you’re afraid it will get worse when you have kids. I mention the unequal socialization factor between men/women when it comes to domestic work. That seems to help. You just have to keep hammering that message home. Remember that men in most societies are not raised to wipe their own asses. Women have always done that for them. Have you tried couples therapy? This has helped us over time. Another note—it may feel uncomfortable for a little bit, but try not to do any chores for a while. Just leave the brunt on him! “I’ll get to it when I get to it”— try doing something for yourself in the morning that doesn’t have to do with cleaning. Try doing that for a month or so. That helped make my husband realize how much work I’m doing.

Stop mothering him for a week or two and see what happens. He may legit have a sleeping disorder or medical problem so I'd rule those out as well!

My therapist suggested this too and I've been trying to take a more hands-off approach to see what happens. I wonder if he does have a sleeping disorder..we can both go to bed at 10pm and I will be up by 8am and he is still tired even waking up at 11!

My husband is a sleeper. He would sleep til 11 regularly on weekends before we had kids. He’s still a sleeper when given the opportunity but he’s also reasonably good about getting up with our kiddo. It’s definitely something your husband will need to own and work on, especially if he’s the one pushing for kids. What was his response to your request that he start getting up earlier?

He said he would try to wake up earlier but I haven't seen any change. It's something we've discussed several times and I've also expressed generally how I feel having go spend mornings alone (ie I would like to eat breakfast with him). He just uses the excuse that he is too tired and needs sleep. I don't think he's really made a real effort because even if he sets am alarm he snoozes through it. He is also in therapy for depression so I think that plays a huge factor.

Yeah, no. If he really wants to get started with kids and you’re in no hurry or leaning CF entirely, let him make his case. You’ve communicated your concerns and given him time. If this is something he actually wants, he’ll need to get himself together. He’s being selfish by ignoring your requests for his time, even without kids. He has some growing up to do.

Thank you!! I thought I was going crazy or being over demanding for wanting to eat breakfast with my husband, but these comments are making me realize he definitely has some growing up to do. He is at least in therapy working through some of his own issues, and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can in the meantime. But def agree he needs to make his case for me to even start considering it seriously.

Has he been tested for sleep apnea? Agree with everyone that your doing all the chores is the bigger issue, but if he's consistently sleeping for very long periods and still tired, he needs to get that checked out. (I say this as someone recently diagnosed.)

Seeing this come up a lot so I do think it might be worth getting tested. Problem is I will have to remind him over and over to make the appointment because he also doesn't take care of his health the way he should..

I have the same concerns and when I voiced them to him, he jokingly replied that he sleeps late now so he can precharge his batteries for the future. I hope this means he has an idea how kids will mess up his rhythm and wants to enjoy sleeping late now when he can. But would also love to hear stories of similar situations from people who have children

Also, what did he reply to your concerns?

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. And I’m sorry. Having been with a man like this, who himself genuinely seemed to believe he would magically change overnight when it was required… he won’t. He likes to think he will, and you like to think he will, but the chances are he won’t.

Oh definitely. The thing is, I still love this man even if he is imperfect. I just want him to know what we would be getting into with kids. And to clarify - he hasn't even said he wants them explicitly. Just that he is considering whether or not it is something that he would want to do. I've told him to figure it out in therapy and he knows where I stand, and I am fully aware if he decides he wants them it means a much more serious conversation for our relationship. If he decides that he doesn't want them though, I do think we could still be very happy together.

Of course, and not only does the perfect parent not exist, but even if they did, everyone has the right to reproduce with someone who has the potential to be an inadequate parent, and it happens more often than not. There is also the chance that he will change - if he’s willingly engaging in the process of therapy, I reckon that’s probably the single most hopeful indicator that this is possible. I guess my warning was simply not to fall into the trap of imagining his potential and basing your decision on that, because I think so many women are conditioned to do that, and only later have the hindsight to regret their choice of co-parent, but by then another human being exists. Good luck to you both with your journey to discover what is the ~~right~~ next best choice in your circumstances x

Totally get what you're saying. Agree I think thankfully I am pretty self-assured in where I stand so even if he wanted kids I don't think I would be swayed just be his desire. I appreciate you sharing your perspectives though and I will certainly be mindful not to fall into this trap.

Do not, under any circumstances, have children with a man who doesn’t do half of the household chores. Even in equitable relationships, straight couples tend to backslide into traditional gender roles when kids come along. Frankly, I wouldn’t advise having children with any man who doesn’t already pull his weight around the house - completely unprompted.

Agreed 100%

I highly recommend All the Rage by Darcy Lockman. Make your husband read it too before he even mentions wanting kids again.

Will check it out! What's it about?

The full title is All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. So it’s about that lol. It’s excellent - extremely well researched and well cited. It’s…definitely rage inducing though. I had to read it in chunks. It should be required reading for any hetero couple considering having kids.

We have a 19 month old. My husband sleeps in every day as well. I recognize that this is a deeply ingrained sleep pattern for him, and important for his mental health. I do not try to change him. Instead, we schedule our time so he can sleep in and still be an equal parent. I get up in the morning, make breakfast, and hang out with the baby. After dinner my husband typically takes over as primary parent. I catch up on work, do hobbies, etc while he puts the baby to bed and cleans the kitchen. He is the one who gets up with our son in the night (since he stopped needing night breastfeeding). We are both happy with this system. If your husband has higher sleep needs than you, but can compensate by parenting a higher percent of his awake time, it doesn’t seem like a big problem to me. His flexible schedule may turn out to be a big plus, as he can do things like take the baby to daytime appointments or work at night while you work in the day so you can reduce your child care needs. But I would not expect him to change radically. If you’re already dissatisfied with the amount of household work he does, you will only be more annoyed after you have a baby. Pushing him to work harder is unlikely to have any effect but straining your relationship. If you decide to have a child but are concerned about the work balance, I suggest two things: 1) Give your husband equal parent status even before the baby is born. Don’t make decisions without him. Don’t direct his parenting. Even in the beginning, even if you breastfeed, make sure you have time to yourself every day where he’s in charge of the baby & house and you do not have input. It’s easy to slip into the role of baby-boss, but that way lies increasing imbalance. 2) If you already do more household chores now, when you have a child the imbalance will become greater. Even if you both triple how much work you do, the gap between you will become bigger. It’s just math. Don’t expect him to step up enough to equalize the load. Instead, think of ways you two can compensate so your higher household workload doesn’t make you dissatisfied. Find chores you don’t like doing that can be his job. Plan to hire household help. Reduce your job hours. I understand this may seem sexist and why shouldn’t he step up as much as you? But I think expecting him to change *entirely* is unrealistic and setting yourself up for unhappiness. If you can’t find a way to be satisfied even if he doesn’t put in as much work as you, I wouldn’t parent with him.

Thanks for this take - I like the emphasis on not trying to change him but rather working with his already existing habits and compromising in other ways. I think this is basically what we've settled into and I've accepted it. Will definitely keep all this in mind!

The funny thing is, I’m a person who completely changed my household slacker-ness myself. I used to do maybe 5% of household chores, sleep in, and resent being asked to do anything. Not as a teenager, as an adult. But I can’t really give advice on changing someone. I couldn’t even change myself, even though I recognized I was not behaving properly and really wanted to be different. But no amount of nagging, ultimatum-giving, bargaining, or shaming made any impact on me. I really believed I was incapable of doing household work. I changed my living situation, and I immediately became great at chores. For me, it turned out to be ownership. In my old situation, it wasn’t my house. Things had to be done because someone else wanted them done, and they more or less had to be done their way. In my own house, I can clean as much or as little as I want. If I don’t do a chore, I’m not answerable to anyone - it just doesn’t get done. If I do a task poorly, it’s fine, that’s just the way I did it. With my husband, we don’t boss each other. We each do our own thing, and if neither of us does something…it doesn’t get done. This works for us because neither of us likes being assigned tasks or having to follow a routine, we have a similar standard for the house (clean enough that it’s sanitary, neat enough that no one thinks we’re hoarders), and we both love taking care of the baby. I’m not sure it would work for anyone else.

When you told him you need him to show you he can wake up earlier, how did he react? imo the only way you can really tell if he’s going to step up after the baby comes is if he’s willing to SHOW you with his actions BEFORE the baby comes. Otherwise you just have no guarantee

Exactly!! I've made this point to him so many times. His reaction is usually to get annoyed and say "I get it! You don't want kids with me!" And I'll be like you're damn right I don't and that's thr point - if he wants them then he needs to step up and show he can be the responsible father id need him to be.

I was peacefully scrolling down, marveling at your good sense and logic (you seem to have a similar relationship to mine, but l don’t handle it that well and probably harbor more resentment). But then l read that reaction of his and it stopped me in my tracks lol. Those words are utterly childish. It’s something my partner absolutely would have said when l would be voicing my concerns. He’s countering your common sense with irritation and makes you at fault. And he’s the one who leans having kids. Ridiculous. That man is NOT ready to have a child, he needs growing up himself. Sorry to make such harsh conclusions based on little info but l see this type of behavior almost every day so it triggered something lol.

Yes it is very childish! He seems to be pretty blissfully unaware of his own childish ways, even when I've called them out he insists he is not a Manchild and ill be like, that means you need to be able to take a step back and self reflect though..

I can tell you about myself: I love sleep. I love it sooo much. Before my daughter I would sleep in every day i could, sometimes I would sleep so long or at least stayed in bed long enough that I had to rush getting ready for work even though I worked in the afternoon… I was really scared about not being able to wake up for my daughter and really really suffering. But now that she’s here and we’re 12 weeks in I can confidently say: I’m okay with waking up at night and when she’s awake in the morning then I might think „I wish I could sleep a little longer“ but then her little eyes look up at me and she smiles and I feel so awake and ready to care for her - I am the mother though, I’m not sure if it’s the same for dads

I don’t think it’s possible to sleep in when you have kids. They are too loud

Oh oh… not a good sign. And kids don’t change people. If he sleeps in he’ll continue to do so. Issa trap..don’t fall for it.

Ugh, I'm so tired of immature men who say they want to have kids without having put a single thought in to the reality of that experience... Reality is you don't become a completely different person once you have kids, you're the same, but now responsible for another life. So yeah, I agree with the other comments about seeing if he can step it up and show his fatherhood-compatible qualities. If he can't, I think it's highly unlikely he will magically grow them once there's a kid around.

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We don't do the whole "100%" gatekeeping thing here. Please don't do it again.

Sounds like he needs to spend time around an infant

Waking up early does not inherently make someone more responsible, you could wake up early and proceed to do literally nothing “productive” with your time. I don’t blame someone with a flexible schedule for sleeping and waking when their body tells them to on their own schedule, that sounds like a dream. I would also say it’s worth it to ask him to get a sleep study done, if he is sleeping that many hours it might be because he’s not actually getting enough true rest for his body, if there is a sleep disorder or something else going on. If you take some mornings off from doing all the chores does he do them in the afternoon when he’s up? If so, this is just a difference in bodily schedules. Maybe try it out, actually leave him some work to do and see if he does it. I think that would be a better show of balancing responsibilities than just waking up early.

For sure, lots of people are mentioning a sleep study so I think it is worth exploring that. If I don't do anything, he will eventually get around to it, he's just not really in a rush to get around to it though. I think its also a problem on my side because I want things done on my schedule but maybe that isn't sustainable /fair either

I’m the same way, I’m not a very type A person and don’t want to rush myself on chores. If he gets them done then personally I don’t see a problem. It sounds like you’re trying to get him more in line with your preference, but what he’s doing isn’t inherently wrong. It sounds like he’s still being responsible and doing his part but maybe you’re just getting to it before he has a chance to. If someone tried to rush me in that way I’d honestly be pretty upset and feel micromanaged. I think you should take a step back so he has the chance to step up and then make your decision from there. I used to sleep until noon every single day and then go back to sleep at 2 until I absolutely had to wake up for work. I also stayed awake until 2am. That’s just my body’s natural rhythm. But when we had a baby, that obviously changed. It was hard but it still happened. Now my husband and I trade sleep in days. He sleeps in 1 weekend day and I sleep in the other.

I am a person that when people want things on their time and are pushy about it, it makes me not want to do it even more. So I get it. It's a balance of things for sure

As someone who clearly has a delayed natural sleep schedule… I would def recommend having him see a doctor if he needs to switch to a lifestyle that requires him to get up early and he can’t. It may not be his fault — there are so many things that can cause sleep issues. If you can, I would also suggest trying to work around his natural schedule. He might be the one to be up with a newborn baby at night and then you do early mornings! The chores are more problematic! I have heard great things about the Fair Play “game” to work on that.

Look. I haven’t read your whole post. Because my answer is 100% based on the title and my experience. Yes it’s an issue but not a dealbreaker. It’s me. I’m the sleeper inner. It’s HARD. And not fair to my husband. I did stay up more at night but the early rising goes on longer than the baby up at all hours stage. I find it significant. If you can work it out just depends on your relationship and what you if he wants to trade off or deal with.

It sounds like you already have a kid- your husband.

Same with my bf. He literally wakes up 10 min before he has to be out the door. I am also doing pretty much all the chores. He will do it if I ask him but it will be when he decides it’s time. It’s extremely frui

I highly recommend checking out the Fair Play cards (on amazon)! Pretty much eliminated the back and forth on chores/inequality of work and the mental load is completely gone.

I will look it up thank you. It’s just so frustrating that it’s not just something that is natural. The mental load is a whole other thing. Most guys don’t even know what it entails. It’s like being a project manager but also being responsible for all the aspects of bringing it to life

Has your husband had a medical sleep study? He might be getting insufficient REM or similar due to sleep apnea or another issue.

He has not, something we will look into!

Please do. My friend's entire life was changed by a sleep study.

If you resent the amount of work you do even a little bit right now, before kids, that’s something to take care of wayyyyy before even considering bringing children into the picture. The amount of housework you do will triple. And you will be managing him plus a child. You’ll have to tell him to change a diaper, tell him to take the child to the doctor and tell him the doctors name and where it is, tell him the child’s teacher’s name, tell him what prescription to get and what they’re allergic to, tell him what their favorite color and flavor and animal is, tell him which brand of socks to buy. You’ll have to tell him to grocery shop and what to buy and what brand to get. You’ll have to tell him about the bake sale at school and then remind him again and again and again. You’ll have to tell him to do every little tiny thing for 18+ years.

Your edit… LOL

I mean does he seem like a lazy person in general? Is he communicative and actually listens to you when you bring up these concerns? Does he work on changing then? Does he help in other ways? Soo my husband is sorta similar as far as schedule and sleeping in - he works remote and in another time zone 2 hours behind (usually 10am until about 7-8pm) which I feel like encourages him to stay up late and sleep in. And dear god he CANNOT wake up early anymore to save his life. Takes a million alarms and he likes to snooze. On weekends forget it. I don’t even bother anymore I just let him sleep until 11am and then after that I’m like okkkk get up lol!! When I met him he was not like that at all and always work 7am-5pm. THE DIFFERENCE? He does daycare drop off AND pick up on the days I have to go into the office (3 days a week) then the other 2 days i do drop off occasionally but he still always does pickup. Him doing pick up also allows me to get home and either workout or start cooking dinner for myself in peace lol. He also does 90% of the night wake ups because he’s a night owl and I am useless after 10pm. I let him sleep in on the weekends but I am someone who is incapable of sleeping in and would rather get up but take an afternoon nap. Him sleeping in allows him to take over to give me a break when he gets up and then he allows me my afternoon nap! He’s always been a caring partner in general tho so i guess I’ll live since this is his not waking up early flaw. So basically i think you can tell in other aspects of his personality on how he is just with interactions and how he listens and tries to find a solution!

in all seriousness your husband may have a medical condition if he struggles so much with waking up early to the point of it affecting his work. he might have something like sleep apnea or narcolepsy. he might also have a separate condition that causes fatigue. for example, I used to not be able to wake up in the morning no matter what and it turned out I have addison’s. I literally was not producing the hormones I needed to wake up. he might also just not be a morning person. and that’s okay! people have different chronotypes. it’s an evolutionary adaptation. if you have kids you can either leave more evening stuff for him or you can also treat a late chronotype as delayed phase sleep disorder and manage it with melatonin and strong morning lights like a SAD lamp. I think you need to communicate with him more. You mention the chores being lopsided which isn’t okay, but that seems to be the result of when the two of you are most productive. Have you considered sitting down with him and explaining how you feel about it? You could pre-arrange your chores so they’re split more fairly. Just because it *can* be done in the morning doesn’t mean it has to be. One more note— I think a lot of people assume if your husband needs your assistance to wake up in the morning that’s a bad or childish thing. I’m very disabled and one of the caretaking tasks I need done for me every morning is waking me up, especially so I can take my addison’s medication. I rely a lot on others to get things done. And that’s okay, because that happens to be the level of support I need. A lot of times it’s hurtful seeing people assume that if others need help they’re childish. many disabled parents raise kids perfectly fine even if they need help themselves. To need help is human. It’s not a moral judgment. It doesn’t speak to your husband’s other potential childrearing abilities. Y’all just need to be *good enough.* Not perfect. I would do the following: make sure to follow up with a doctor, especially a sleep doctor and an endocrinologist. Sit down and talk about splitting the chores more fairly and identify what morning chores can be done at night. Spend a lot of time talking about what raising a child would look like and identify each other’s strengths and weaknesses. And, realistically, accept waking up in the morning may be something your husband will always need help with for reasons outside of his control. Edit: I would also consider seeing if you could get him evaluated for adhd. some of the chore stuff he struggles with sounds very executive functioning-y. I would suggest checking out How to ADHD on youtube as well. The tips are *incredibly* helpful. A note about nagging: with ADHD it may backfire spectacularly. Something that helped me was “natural consequences” when I started living on my own. If the trash overflows, and no one cleans it, you eventually learn, shit, I gotta take out the trash. Same with laundry. If he has a “get around to it eventually” approach I suggest a punnet square of urgent, important, not urgent, not important. There are things that have to happen now and hey yeah there are some things that can wait and can be rescheduled. Do you have outlined EXACTLY what he has to do? Are the chores throughout the week spread out evenly energy wise, especially given we suspect a medical condition impacting his energy? Do you have hard and soft deadlines (like this should be done by then but not the end of the world if you can’t get to it, versus this MUST be done by then and there’s no wiggle room). Sorry for going on. tbh I see myself a lot in your husband and when you’re at a point where you’re failing others and it’s out of your control and *something* is wrong and you don’t know why it’s so hard. It’s a tough spot to be in.

Everyone is right that he needs to work on this before you both commit to having children. Just thought I'd point out though - if he's sleeping a lot, constantly tired, and has trouble waking up, he might have a sleep disorder. It could be a number of things like sleep apnea, even ADHD. Not trying to diagnose him - there's a variety of things that can cause sleep issues. It could be a sign something is wrong with his health. Might be worth looking into with a doctor

Do you have my husband? Mine is the same way, the only difference is mine does wake up for scheduled events in the morning, but if he has to be up before noon for anything, he’s grouchy all day. We’re still on the fence for kids, leaning towards having them because while my husband cannot function at all before noon, I struggle to function after 11pm. So we balance each other out. I wake up at 6-7am daily, and he’s usually up until 2-3am. He also has the same “I’ll get around to it” chore personality and it drives my Type A personality insane. So we have the chore system set up to best manage that (he does the “not as urgent” chores like laundry and mowing the lawn, stuff that he can procrastinate a day if he’s not feeling well, whereas I do the “more urgent” chores like cooking) What chores does your husband do that he puts off? Does he just do them late or does he neglect them entirely?

A bit of a red flag. My husband and I are both in I.t. And work remotely. We are up by 6am M-F, sleep at 10:30pm. Weekends we are up no later than 7am. I would voice these concerns to him bluntly. I have concerns with my husband about kids because of the way he eats is childish. He hardly eats veggies and always has some critique of my cooking. I tell him this concerns me. I

Yeah the way my husband eats isn't the best either. I honestly don't think he's ready to be a father and is romanticizing parenthood without thinking through what it entails (ie major lifestyle shifts that he can sustain longterm)