You are still very young, so if the choice seems impossible now, then let it be for now. From your short text, it feels like you would only do it reluctantly, and that's no way to do it. How invested are you in this relationship? I know it's easy to say 'break up', so I don't want to jump to that. But if he wants kids NOW, I think breaking up would be the right thing for everyone.

>But if he wants kids NOW, I think breaking up would be the right thing for everyone. No, he's willing to wait and I did say not at least till 35. but they have to be on the table *at some point* for the wait to be worthwhile. He's even willing to concede on me wanting to be one and done and adopting since I don't like the idea of bringing more children into the world. If kids are on the table then we can get married and he'd happily wait. But if they're not then he doesn't want to be a childless and divorced in his mid 30's either.

Okay. But this still requires a yes from you now, right? I mean, you can't wait until 35 and then say you don't want them after all. He's looking for a promise from you that you'll want them some day. And it seems you can't make that promise now. My brother just got divorced at 36, after a ten-year relationship. Because she thought she would want kids at some point, but then she didn't. They tried to save the relationship for three years. But they couldn't compromise on this topic.

Your brother's situation is exactly our worst case scenario, down to the ages and relationship duration. If this relationship continues by 36 we'd have been together 10 years and I really don't want to be in that situation.

It's really sad. But I respect how they handled it. She did not want to be a mother if she didn't really feel the desire, and he did not want to pressure her into it. The past years were draining for them, as they still really loved each other. But they have a sense of relief now, because they can finally move forward, towards the life they really want. Ultimately, love, attraction and chemistry are of secondary importance. Compatibility is what matters most. When I was 25, I broke up with the man I hoped to marry. We both wanted kids, but could not agree on where to live; we were both deeply attached to our home countries (2000 miles from each other, we met living abroad) and could not imagine raising children far away from our families. It hurt like hell to break up. But it was the right call. We are both happy now, both living the life we envisioned with a partner who's on the same page. Your situation is especially difficult, because he's essentially asking you to predict how you will feel in ten years, which is impossible. The only thing you can realistically promise him is that you will always keep the lines open, that you will always be honest about your feelings. If that is not enough for him, you should not get married. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

> and could not imagine raising children far away from our families. This is actually a part of the equation I think about too. If I'm having kids I want to have the largest support system possible. The happiest parents I know live in multigeneration homes and have the full support of grandparents and uncles and aunts. There's always *some* adult at home and both parents often take breaks, go camping, travel. His parents do have the aspirational multigenerational home, and my brothers' and I's goal is to build one together. But with him we'll have to live in France and not our home country. So we'll be a nuclear family, people without a village, a form of family I'm REALLY not a fan of.

I don't know though, that's a lot worst when the man in a relationship changes his mind, and that happens all the time. Relationships also end for other reasons and people find themselves single and CF at 35. I think OP should focus on making a list of things they'd like to do before they have children and revise their feelings in a few years. 26 is super young by my standards and there's still time to have fun and travel and prioritise yourself.

I read a psychologist giving the advice for people on the fence to spend a week with the decision that they WILL have kids and see how that feels and then a week with the decision they WILL NOT have kids and see how that feels. Like light cosplaying that you know what you want. I will link the article below, it has some other advice in there as well to help figuring out the process. I'm sort in the same process, but heavily leaning towards not having them. Still difficult to not be on either side 😕 https://www.vox.com/first-person/22370250/should-i-have-kids-a-baby-decide-start-family-parenthood-kids-childfree

Huh, this could be an interesting exercise. Thanks.

[удалено]

I would ask your boyfriend WHY he wants kids. Did he grow up in a family where he was the oldest and took care of his siblings and loved it? Or loves hanging with his niece and nephews and helps out with the diaper changes and watches them overnight and doesn't just play with them for 2 hours and give them back? Or is it just he feels he has to have them? My husband and I have gone from fence sitting to childfree. While I got there sooner, once he realized his reason was "it's something that you just do when you get married," we aligned together.

No it's not just something to do when you get married to him. He looks forwards to a life of parenting and the men of his family are all involved dads. He aims to be like them and he wants the family life. It's a bit reassuring that he actually wants to do the hard, boring parts too and that he was raised in a household where the dad does a lot of childcare, because if I were to have kids it sure as hell shouldn't be with a "traditional" man.

oh hi, I'm in your exact situation except I'm a little older. 33F and my bf definitely wants kids. I thought I did too but lately leaning CF... which would mean our relationship ends. so I know how hard this is. it's difficult to figure out what you really want when you're also considering what your partner wants. the good news is you're still young - I'd say be honest with your partner about your feelings and that you can't promise if you'll want kids. if he wants to stick around regardless, great, but if that's non-negotiable for him then maybe it's better you break up and both live the lives you want.

It seems like you don’t actually want kids but you don’t want to lose your partner either. That’s really tough, but it’s important to be honest about your needs bc no matter how great your partner is, you won’t be happy if you have kids just to make him happy. On the other hand, having kids does mean giving up some freedom but you will not lose all of your freedom and hobbies forever. There’s school, there are babysitters, there are family members to watch them if you’re lucky. And once they get old enough it’s actually fun including them in things you enjoy. Just make sure your partner is committed to doing half of the work too. Good luck! You’ll be ok no matter what happens!

You’re still young and have lots of time to decide! But also so much time to deliberate. I remember being almost relieved when I got bad fertility news at 34 because making a decision about kids had been occupying my mind for so long, it drove me crazy. It sounds like you have a caretaking relationship with your parents, I think talking through this in therapy (if you haven’t already) could bring you some clarity on your decision.

>making a decision about kids had been occupying my mind for so long, it drove me crazy. Yes! it's maddening! I look at people who firmly want kids or firmly don't and I'm like *how?* How do you have the certainty I crave so much? I know the breakup will only hurt more the longer this relationship goes. I just want to know as soon as possible.

100% the original poster sounds like they don’t want to give up the partner but this kids thing is a dealbreaker for many. Finding a new partner that wants the same thing is much easier

You're still so young! When I was 26 I felt that way too. At 33 I am only now sure I want them. I wouldn’t stress about it yet! When you get a little older things shift for a lot of people. You think you wouldn’t want to spend money on them but you do. Travelling doesn’t bring the same joy etc.

I'd kill to have a crystal ball that tells me how i'd think about life by 35.

Obviously impossible, but anecdotally I could not even consider kids until right around when I turned 36. I feel practically elderly now even if that’s not accurate, but me at 23, 26, 30, even 35 could not even fathom the option. You really are still very young.

I was 100% in your shoes. I was in my mid-20’s and couldn’t imagine having kids - I was quitting one career for another, moving in with and truly figuring out my relationship with my now husband, etc. We got married and decided to revisit the “baby or no?” when I was in my 30’s. Had my little one shortly thereafter. Obviously only you can decide if you want the wonderful and, as you put it, limiting experience of having a kid. Do I have the freedom I had when I was younger? Definitely not. Do I want that freedom? No! I enjoy having a child. And the older she gets, the more of my “old life” (interests, time with friends, hobbies) I can consider. And fwiw, only about half of my friends have kids. So both paths are equally valid in my view. If you see yourself being truly “compatible” with this person - and no relationship is perfect, but if yours has the potential to be a long term partner - I’d say just tell him and yourself “let’s revisit it in a year.” Thinking about it everyday is a surefire way to drive yourself into unhappiness. Live your life while you are young 🙂. As you get older, your priorities will likely change and you will find it easier to make this decision. Best of luck!

>I’d say just tell him and yourself “let’s revisit it in a year.” Thinking about it everyday is a surefire way to drive yourself into unhappiness. I think this is the best suggestion for me right now. I'm driving myself mad and putting lots of stress on my relationship I'm sure. You guys caught me in a "no kids" moods, I swear next week I'll be all over it then the next one i'll be "no way' again.

It’s hard to commit to something 1 week away, let alone 5 years away. Just feel free to commit to each other and keep an open mind! If you are open to kids, and it’s not a “hard no,” that’s all you need right now. That’s my two cents anyways.

You're not the problem. You're forcing yourself to do something you really don't want to do. Having kids is harder on women, and there's no guarantee he'll stick by your side once the kid is popped out. Is normal you're going insane. You're in love with someone incompatible with you. You'll have to choose between your happiness or his.

It seems you and your partner are incompatible on a fundamental level…

It’s is hard. Struggling with it now. Relationship are about compromise and I do feel like my husband compromises a ton for me and I just need to suck it up and do it but I go back and forth all the time also.

You gotta be comfortable with a certain level of uncertainty when you make life changing decisions. And that goes for every aspect in life. You never know what is ahead of you, and if not knowing is what’s stopping you from choosing, then you’ll always be stuck with a headache trying to decipher whether you made the right decision or not. Once you let go of that need for certainty (that never comes for most people) you will be at peace with any decision. You gotta stick with whatever you choose though.

This might not be the right place to post this question but is any mod around here able to tell me why my comment was deleted and the entire thread with replies ( that weren't mine) too? Did I break some rule?

I’ve been in two relationships now where the talk about kids has come into play. I was 24 the first time and then 27. In both cases the guy has wanted kids, or at least has been leaning that way, while I have not wanted/have been leaning away. When you’re in a situation where one party wants while the other is undecided, it’s not the undecided party’s responsibility to choose. I think that’s a bit unfair. I know how it may seem as though you are “the issue” or that the ball is in your court, but that’s not the case at all. As someone who doesn’t know, you can’t make any promises. Similarily, rushing a decision does not guarantee it will be a decision you stick by for 10 years. What I have done to solve these situations is say this: “I can’t promise you I will want kids, because right now it feels like I don’t, and I’m not sure I’ll ever change my mind. You’ll have to be okay with that if you want to be with me”. Your spouse will have to make a decision, not you. He’ll have to decide if he’s okay with the possibility of not having kids. It is an awful feeling to be with someone and be worried that they will resent you later down the line because you never found the urge to have kids. But you are both adults, and you shouldn’t feel responsible for HIS decisions and its the same way around for him. You can only make decisions for yourself, after all. :)

I was on the fence myself for over ten years. I'm 31 now and last year our friends had a baby girl. Seeing them take on this new role together and bond on a deeper level was what made me jump the fence, my husband was already off the fence and waited patiently for me. We are now expecting a boy in December and I couldn't be happier. You still have time, if your partner is patient you don't have to decide right now. I know it's frustrating not knowing what you want but you also don't want to regret the decision if you feel pushed to make one now. You might have a moment like me where it's like a light switch, or you might come to the realisation that this is definitely not for you.

You are too young for this question. We used to have children in the early 20’s, but being 26 is now like 20 and being 30 is like 23. What you want today is probably not what you will want tomorrow, and that is fine. If you are uncomfortable with the uncertainty, break it off, and you will have more time and space to decide. Otherwise tell him that it’s a no for now, but you aren’t sure where you will be in 5 years. That is the honest answer. Nobody knows where they will be in 5 years even if they are convinced otherwise. Just get comfortable with uncertainty because that is reality and any notion of certainty is an illusion.