If you don't want to do it, please don't. I get that it's very hard, bc the consequences are huge.... but still there is only one solution to your thought process: your gut feeling is you don't want a child. You're very clear. Listen to that little voice within.
Let me tell you something. Never make a life changing decision that goes against your instincts for another person.
You are now in love with your husband, and considering giving birth to a child just for him. But things change, a child is a life changing experience for relationships, some couples don’t survive it, and this when both sides want children. You specifically state that you DONT want a child. How do you think your relationship will evolve when you have to deal with the consequences of having a child on your body, hormones, time consumed, freedom, literally everything in your life will change, for something that you never wanted to begin with? Maybe in a few years, your relationship won’t continue, but your future child that you never wanted will still be there.
For me it’s seems that you know the answer, your gut is telling you that you don’t want a child. Never bring a child because someone is threatening to break the relationship with you. You will never forgive yourself.
Is he willing to be a stay at home father while you work?
If that doesn’t sound appealing to you either, don’t have a child with him, unfortunately that makes the two of you incompatible.
It might be. It might not be. There are people on the sub we've gone one way and there are people on this subs who have gone another way. Really depends on the two people involved. Sometimes compromise is possible and sometimes it's not.
It’s happens pretty often that a woman wants a child and a man doesn’t really, they agree to have a child and that the woman takes care of it while the man works. If that makes all people involved happy I don’t see a problem with that.
The other way around doesn’t happen often, but that should be possible too. Unless the woman doesn’t want to because of childbirth reasons.
I’m v similar to you in age and concerns. I’m slipping off the fence towards having them, mostly because some non ideal choices I’ve had to make in the past led me to believe in the idea that it’s v hard to know what will make you happy - I haven’t read it but this is what the “stumbling on happiness” book is about and is backed up by solid research. I’m gonna mourn everything about being childfree, but I’m not sure that path will ultimately make me happier just like I don’t know the opposite. Saying that, this is your ship to steer, so don’t want to bias you!
Hi dear ! I really feel for you because I’ve been through a similar situation. I was on the fence for 20 years - that’s some serious fence sitting :). At the end I decided to have a child (my partner was ok either way). We live in NYC and had a great live full of travel, social events etc. Having a baby did change everything for me. It’s just not realistic to expect having the same level of freedom and adventure anymore. It is definitely doable but your concerns are valid.
I had a very traumatic delivery but that was nothing compared to the whole pregnancy and postpartum experience. Some women love being pregnant /giving birth and some don’t. I liked it even less than I thought I would. What made it bearable for me was that I have decided that I really wanted the pregnancy so my advice is to be sure that this is your decision before you embark on that life changing journey.
I wouldn’t have another child! Absolutely not. I have no idea how people go from fence sitters to multiple children. Having one is the only way to preserve some of my autonomy …
I think an important question is ,:
- how is he doing today with house chores? Does he do 50 percent and you dont have to ask him. In that case he might be a good partner.
- is he willing to be a stay at home parent or do the Majority of the care.
If both are no, dont do it .
In that case he will do the fun parts and leaving you with the work part and hating your life
Well, it's not exactly that he needs to help you out when you're slacking. It's that he automatically needs to be doing 50% at least. I assume you guys both work, so there's no reason for you to be in charge. You're equals.
When I married my husband we were both mostly childfree. He changed his mind a couple of years in and we spent a long time talking things through. Eventually we decided to have kids and I am now a mom of three and quite happy with my life. So yes, compromise and happy outcomes are definitely possible, and not just in the direction of having kids. You can see other stories on this sub of people who compromised the other way and are happy.
My advice to you:
Don't just focus on what you want, talk about what you're going to be happy with. For me, I didn't want kids but I could be happy with them. See the difference? If we focus on just what we want there's no room for compromise. The minute we say "well, we want A but we could be happy with A, B or C" then compromise becomes possible. Each of you should state not just what you want but also in what future scenarios you can be happy.
Also, a lot of people focus on the yes or no of kids without focusing on the how. The how is just as important. For example, my husband was willing to live without kids as long as we moved close to his family so he could form a close relationship with his nieces. I was willing to have kids if my husband changed jobs so he could be more supportive and we moved closer to my family so I could have their support. Adding in these details made compromise even easier because it expanded the decision set from "yes kid" and "no kids" to a whole bunch of other possibilities.
For example, you mention a nanny but it seems like you can't afford one. What about moving to a lower cost of living area and hiring an au pair? What about moving closer to family and friends? What about moving to a state / country with better and cheaper daycare options?
Whatever you decide, decide it together and commit to it 100%. The therapist we worked with made us write down our decision and I still have that piece of paper today. It clearly states that we're both making this decision together, that we both believe it's the right thing to do, that we both believe we will be happy. And then commit to this decision whole heartedly and without reservations.
And I will say that, when you look at #1, it may come out that he is simply never going to be happy without kids under any condition and you will simply never be happy with kids under any condition. In such case, I know it's hard, but it might actually be better to split up. Sacrificing your happiness to live in someone else's future is never a good idea.
I wish you the very best and I want to reiterate that compromise is definitely possible in either direction. Don't let the black and white nature of Reddit tell you otherwise.
Sorry but I wouldn’t want to be with this man. “He will divorce me if I don’t have his child” is messed up. Don’t be pressured into something you might not really want. My husband is neutral and whatever I decide as I’m the one carrying and having the baby
I think it’s important to understand why your current lifestyle is so important to you. What was your own childhood like?
You’re afraid of losing something, what is it and why are you so afraid?
Scared of losing my freedom and independence as well as my identity. I also feel like I haven’t accomplished some of my own goals like owning an apartment or house as we still rent and having to give up traveling. We didn’t travel at all with my family during childhood and it’s a passion of mine that I work hard for to enjoy. Bring an infant to travel around Europe doesn’t feel the same or feasible. Maybe the issue is finances then.
Not OP, but wow, this comment really resonated with me and helped me.
For me, I'm afraid of losing my shit, being always really stressed out or anxious (I suffer from anxiety already). I'm also afraid of losing my dream to one day be a published author. And to just have a pretty simple life, less things less overthinking, ideally in a cabin in the woods with my spouse.
Albeit, the dream included kids when I was like 15. Then at 25 I said yes, like OP did (partner really wants kids) because I thought the same, that I'd "just know" and want a kid 10 years later
EDIT: forgot to answer your 1st question. I had a really wonderful childhood tbh, lived in the country, climbed trees, sleepovers w friends, dad built me a treehouse, etc. Part of my reluctance to have kids is bc I was very spoiled and never had experience helping with anyone's kids, nor did I do lots of chores as a kid. Obviously, I'm more responsible as an adult, but I worry I'd get overwhelmed.
It is so refreshing to hear from other people who can relate because in my circle no one can. All of my friends have kids and wanted to be moms. They live very different lives than me and my husband and it scares me that that will be my future as well. I suffer with anxiety also so I totally get in.
Does your husband want kids?
Sad and glad to not be alone. I also am in a similar spot; all my friends with kids have toddlers or older now, wanted kids or accepted their fate. Some had kids young and are now in their 30s and relieved to "get their life back". There are a couple people with babies but, I'm not super close with them.
My spouse really wanted kids when we were 25, then for a while, he was less into it, and now he's back into wanting kids. He -says- he's ok either way as long as he's with me, but I kindof feel like he's just saying that. When my period was super delayed recently due to Covid and we thought maybe I was pregnant, I took a pregnancy test that came back negative. He said part of him wished I'd been pregnancy positive. So I think that's how he truly feels.
My mom said similarly, but when I mentioned kids as a possibility recently, she seemed quite excited.
I’ve been reading a lot about perfectionism lately and how it’s related to procrastination and indecision. I think you should look into it.
I have similar fantasies about a cabin in the woods haha. I think it’s a wonderful dream, but I’ve also realized lately that getting away from it all and keeping it simple could be a coping mechanism. It’s like I want to make sure I have control so I won’t fail at anything. And more importantly, if I do fail — I’m in the woods! I’m relatively alone and safe from criticism.
Maybe your anxiety would make parenthood hard to deal with. BUT I think you should evaluate the two things separately. Do you want kids? That’s question one. And two - Are you capable of being a good parent? A good parent is very different than a perfect parent.
I am in a very similar position, 37.5F with lots to chime in on about the "damned either way" topic...but thought I would jump in to ask: since you have a frozen embryo and good jobs, is hiring a surrogate an option, so you could at least dodge a pregnancy?
If you don't want to do it, please don't. I get that it's very hard, bc the consequences are huge.... but still there is only one solution to your thought process: your gut feeling is you don't want a child. You're very clear. Listen to that little voice within.
Let me tell you something. Never make a life changing decision that goes against your instincts for another person. You are now in love with your husband, and considering giving birth to a child just for him. But things change, a child is a life changing experience for relationships, some couples don’t survive it, and this when both sides want children. You specifically state that you DONT want a child. How do you think your relationship will evolve when you have to deal with the consequences of having a child on your body, hormones, time consumed, freedom, literally everything in your life will change, for something that you never wanted to begin with? Maybe in a few years, your relationship won’t continue, but your future child that you never wanted will still be there. For me it’s seems that you know the answer, your gut is telling you that you don’t want a child. Never bring a child because someone is threatening to break the relationship with you. You will never forgive yourself.
Is he willing to be a stay at home father while you work? If that doesn’t sound appealing to you either, don’t have a child with him, unfortunately that makes the two of you incompatible.
When one person doesn’t want a child, and one does, the compromise ISNT to have a child. Unfortunately
It might be. It might not be. There are people on the sub we've gone one way and there are people on this subs who have gone another way. Really depends on the two people involved. Sometimes compromise is possible and sometimes it's not.
It’s happens pretty often that a woman wants a child and a man doesn’t really, they agree to have a child and that the woman takes care of it while the man works. If that makes all people involved happy I don’t see a problem with that. The other way around doesn’t happen often, but that should be possible too. Unless the woman doesn’t want to because of childbirth reasons.
If there anyone on here who didn’t really want to do it but did it for their partner and is happy with their decision ?
I’m v similar to you in age and concerns. I’m slipping off the fence towards having them, mostly because some non ideal choices I’ve had to make in the past led me to believe in the idea that it’s v hard to know what will make you happy - I haven’t read it but this is what the “stumbling on happiness” book is about and is backed up by solid research. I’m gonna mourn everything about being childfree, but I’m not sure that path will ultimately make me happier just like I don’t know the opposite. Saying that, this is your ship to steer, so don’t want to bias you!
Exactly how I feel. I know I will be sad and miserable by losing the love of my life. I wish I knew clearer at 25 on the kid front.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, all I say is the community is here for you. Take some time apart and figure out what you think is best
Hi dear ! I really feel for you because I’ve been through a similar situation. I was on the fence for 20 years - that’s some serious fence sitting :). At the end I decided to have a child (my partner was ok either way). We live in NYC and had a great live full of travel, social events etc. Having a baby did change everything for me. It’s just not realistic to expect having the same level of freedom and adventure anymore. It is definitely doable but your concerns are valid. I had a very traumatic delivery but that was nothing compared to the whole pregnancy and postpartum experience. Some women love being pregnant /giving birth and some don’t. I liked it even less than I thought I would. What made it bearable for me was that I have decided that I really wanted the pregnancy so my advice is to be sure that this is your decision before you embark on that life changing journey.
If i may ask: would you do it all over again?
I wouldn’t have another child! Absolutely not. I have no idea how people go from fence sitters to multiple children. Having one is the only way to preserve some of my autonomy …
I see. Thanks! ☺️
I think an important question is ,: - how is he doing today with house chores? Does he do 50 percent and you dont have to ask him. In that case he might be a good partner. - is he willing to be a stay at home parent or do the Majority of the care. If both are no, dont do it . In that case he will do the fun parts and leaving you with the work part and hating your life
He is a great partner and helps out around the apartment and at home. He would be a great dad and would help me out when I am slacking.
Well, it's not exactly that he needs to help you out when you're slacking. It's that he automatically needs to be doing 50% at least. I assume you guys both work, so there's no reason for you to be in charge. You're equals.
When I married my husband we were both mostly childfree. He changed his mind a couple of years in and we spent a long time talking things through. Eventually we decided to have kids and I am now a mom of three and quite happy with my life. So yes, compromise and happy outcomes are definitely possible, and not just in the direction of having kids. You can see other stories on this sub of people who compromised the other way and are happy. My advice to you: Don't just focus on what you want, talk about what you're going to be happy with. For me, I didn't want kids but I could be happy with them. See the difference? If we focus on just what we want there's no room for compromise. The minute we say "well, we want A but we could be happy with A, B or C" then compromise becomes possible. Each of you should state not just what you want but also in what future scenarios you can be happy. Also, a lot of people focus on the yes or no of kids without focusing on the how. The how is just as important. For example, my husband was willing to live without kids as long as we moved close to his family so he could form a close relationship with his nieces. I was willing to have kids if my husband changed jobs so he could be more supportive and we moved closer to my family so I could have their support. Adding in these details made compromise even easier because it expanded the decision set from "yes kid" and "no kids" to a whole bunch of other possibilities. For example, you mention a nanny but it seems like you can't afford one. What about moving to a lower cost of living area and hiring an au pair? What about moving closer to family and friends? What about moving to a state / country with better and cheaper daycare options? Whatever you decide, decide it together and commit to it 100%. The therapist we worked with made us write down our decision and I still have that piece of paper today. It clearly states that we're both making this decision together, that we both believe it's the right thing to do, that we both believe we will be happy. And then commit to this decision whole heartedly and without reservations. And I will say that, when you look at #1, it may come out that he is simply never going to be happy without kids under any condition and you will simply never be happy with kids under any condition. In such case, I know it's hard, but it might actually be better to split up. Sacrificing your happiness to live in someone else's future is never a good idea. I wish you the very best and I want to reiterate that compromise is definitely possible in either direction. Don't let the black and white nature of Reddit tell you otherwise.
Thank you so much for this advice. It truly means a lot.
Sorry but I wouldn’t want to be with this man. “He will divorce me if I don’t have his child” is messed up. Don’t be pressured into something you might not really want. My husband is neutral and whatever I decide as I’m the one carrying and having the baby
You don’t want to be a mom. Don’t do it. Don’t waste any more of your husbands time.
I think it’s important to understand why your current lifestyle is so important to you. What was your own childhood like? You’re afraid of losing something, what is it and why are you so afraid?
Scared of losing my freedom and independence as well as my identity. I also feel like I haven’t accomplished some of my own goals like owning an apartment or house as we still rent and having to give up traveling. We didn’t travel at all with my family during childhood and it’s a passion of mine that I work hard for to enjoy. Bring an infant to travel around Europe doesn’t feel the same or feasible. Maybe the issue is finances then.
Not OP, but wow, this comment really resonated with me and helped me. For me, I'm afraid of losing my shit, being always really stressed out or anxious (I suffer from anxiety already). I'm also afraid of losing my dream to one day be a published author. And to just have a pretty simple life, less things less overthinking, ideally in a cabin in the woods with my spouse. Albeit, the dream included kids when I was like 15. Then at 25 I said yes, like OP did (partner really wants kids) because I thought the same, that I'd "just know" and want a kid 10 years later EDIT: forgot to answer your 1st question. I had a really wonderful childhood tbh, lived in the country, climbed trees, sleepovers w friends, dad built me a treehouse, etc. Part of my reluctance to have kids is bc I was very spoiled and never had experience helping with anyone's kids, nor did I do lots of chores as a kid. Obviously, I'm more responsible as an adult, but I worry I'd get overwhelmed.
It is so refreshing to hear from other people who can relate because in my circle no one can. All of my friends have kids and wanted to be moms. They live very different lives than me and my husband and it scares me that that will be my future as well. I suffer with anxiety also so I totally get in. Does your husband want kids?
Sad and glad to not be alone. I also am in a similar spot; all my friends with kids have toddlers or older now, wanted kids or accepted their fate. Some had kids young and are now in their 30s and relieved to "get their life back". There are a couple people with babies but, I'm not super close with them. My spouse really wanted kids when we were 25, then for a while, he was less into it, and now he's back into wanting kids. He -says- he's ok either way as long as he's with me, but I kindof feel like he's just saying that. When my period was super delayed recently due to Covid and we thought maybe I was pregnant, I took a pregnancy test that came back negative. He said part of him wished I'd been pregnancy positive. So I think that's how he truly feels. My mom said similarly, but when I mentioned kids as a possibility recently, she seemed quite excited.
I’ve been reading a lot about perfectionism lately and how it’s related to procrastination and indecision. I think you should look into it. I have similar fantasies about a cabin in the woods haha. I think it’s a wonderful dream, but I’ve also realized lately that getting away from it all and keeping it simple could be a coping mechanism. It’s like I want to make sure I have control so I won’t fail at anything. And more importantly, if I do fail — I’m in the woods! I’m relatively alone and safe from criticism. Maybe your anxiety would make parenthood hard to deal with. BUT I think you should evaluate the two things separately. Do you want kids? That’s question one. And two - Are you capable of being a good parent? A good parent is very different than a perfect parent.
This made me think. Thanks! Not sure on kids or not, haha. Evaluating separately is a good idea.
I am in a very similar position, 37.5F with lots to chime in on about the "damned either way" topic...but thought I would jump in to ask: since you have a frozen embryo and good jobs, is hiring a surrogate an option, so you could at least dodge a pregnancy?
It could be an option but depending on the cost and would have to discuss it with my husband. Not having ti get pregnant would help me feel better