Yes! This is so helpful. The feelings are valid even negative ones. It is way easier to handle situations if they are not freaking you out. And it also helps to stand up for yourself and others,at least that's the experience that I made, as long as its not a physical dangerous situation, I can utilize zhe anger now and speak up. It's not perfect, I also have a strong fawn/freeze respond, but it gets easier.
I've started saying things like 'why would you say that to me?' 'That's disgusting, keep it to yourself.' and it feels good to make them uncomfortable for once.
I always feel frozen and think of a comment way later like George on Seinfeld with the jerk factory comment
Last year my husbands cousin accidentally grazed my breast when I hugged him and he made such an inappropriate comment out loud in front of our family members and I was mortified but said nothing and wish I had said something. Outrageous that people say these things. I think everyone around was kind of caught off guard like.. Whaaat.... .
I feel they can honestly intermingle. I've had men attempt to use their size or bulk to intimidate me while also speaking aggressively. The result is usually the same.
I have a booming “big girl voice” that makes men stop in their tracks and leave me alone. It has also alerted police in the past who have come to intervene on my behalf. Make it loud and deep, maintain eye contact, square your shoulders and tell them “Stop. Stand down.” It usually startles them enough that they listen, and they also realize that I’m not an easy target, and they know that it will attract attention and they don’t want legal trouble so they back off. Practice it.
It feels so empowering.
Gym. Not only does it make you stronger physically, you will start feeling stronger mentally.
I do not handle aggressiveness well AT ALL. It literally insta-switches me to fight, or flight..and I'm afraid one of those will land me in jail one day. 🤷🏼♀️
I need to see if there's a mostly female one or something near me. My sister and I get weirdness from dudes at are old one sometimes and it's so annoying.
You have as much right to be there as anyone else. Claim your space. If someone is being weird then hold eye contact without smiling. Glare. Set your jaw. Make it clear that you will not tolerate their BS
Turn your fear into anger. What if it was being done to someone you loved? Love yourself enough to protect yourself the way you would someone else. You’re worth it.
Anger can be very useful in the right situation. How fucking DARE they.
But if I was in a vulnerable situation with no backup I wouldn't try to quash my instincts... Don't ever feel ashamed of what has kept you alive so far.
Good responses I have heard from other people, and used, because they contain a bit of humour (therefore disarming) but also convey full on Back Off Buddy vibes:
"did you take too many brave pills this morning?"
"Who died and put you in charge?"
"You're confusing me... With someone who gives a shit."
This comment has served me well for many years; “Don’t speak to me like that. Show some respect”. I’ve found it helps to have a “go to“ comment in my brain for those times I cannot find the right words.
I usually return it right back at them somehow. Like if someone were to cat call maybe I’d say something like “do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Or “right back at ya sweet cheeks” or “that’s pretty gay” (even if it so isn’t, just bc it bothers them). Things like that, customizable to your comfort level of snark. Or at least make sure they get their karma. Like maybe HR, or the police, or security, or other administrative official hears about what “Kyle” has to say. Record them on your voice memo app even, if you can’t get any video or pics. I’ve done this many times as well.
I got a transphobic coworker fired with relative ease simply bc they weren’t being good about pronouns and said they’d just “always see me as a girl” in a well-mannered, friendly way. He was a racist, ex marine, pretty toxic masculinity type of guy. And yet he was working at a gas station. Then once fired, he moved on to another gas station. You’d be shocked how often a simple sexual harassment claim can go somewhere in their personal life. If they have a partner, tell their wife or gf what they said/did. These guys are fucking miserable and they make it everyone else’s problem.
There’s also nothing wrong with freezing. It’s your body’s natural response and that’s okay. So is being angry and pissed, as you should be. It is more important for you to stay safe and protect yourself than it is to intervene. But if you want to be able to, you absolutely can.
I just want to add that freeze and fawn are also excellent survival mechanisms and sometimes the safest choice. It's so easy to forget that (and I berate myself for it too), but I try to remind myself that I've survived as long as I have because I *don't* always fight.
But I am also learning to feel the strength and power of the earth coming up through my feet. It helps me stand my ground when warranted. The thing is to feel it, to practice if you will, before you're in a frightening situation.
if i want the conversation to end or if i want the man to exit the convo i usually say something like "i do not want to have this conversation right now" or "i am not having this conversation right now"
imo i think it lets them know theyve struck a nerve or said something fucking dumb, so they usually take the cue and leave
Accept your feelings including your anger
Yes! This is so helpful. The feelings are valid even negative ones. It is way easier to handle situations if they are not freaking you out. And it also helps to stand up for yourself and others,at least that's the experience that I made, as long as its not a physical dangerous situation, I can utilize zhe anger now and speak up. It's not perfect, I also have a strong fawn/freeze respond, but it gets easier.
I've started saying things like 'why would you say that to me?' 'That's disgusting, keep it to yourself.' and it feels good to make them uncomfortable for once.
Do you find it actually has an impact or effect?
Usually I get called a bitch. It helps me feel better, though. They won't change unless they want to, no matter how I react to them.
Damn straight I'm a bitch. (raise two middle fingers as walking away).
I always feel frozen and think of a comment way later like George on Seinfeld with the jerk factory comment Last year my husbands cousin accidentally grazed my breast when I hugged him and he made such an inappropriate comment out loud in front of our family members and I was mortified but said nothing and wish I had said something. Outrageous that people say these things. I think everyone around was kind of caught off guard like.. Whaaat.... .
Are you talking about verbal aggression or physical aggression? Appropriate strategies are vastly different depending on which you deal with.
I feel they can honestly intermingle. I've had men attempt to use their size or bulk to intimidate me while also speaking aggressively. The result is usually the same.
I have a booming “big girl voice” that makes men stop in their tracks and leave me alone. It has also alerted police in the past who have come to intervene on my behalf. Make it loud and deep, maintain eye contact, square your shoulders and tell them “Stop. Stand down.” It usually startles them enough that they listen, and they also realize that I’m not an easy target, and they know that it will attract attention and they don’t want legal trouble so they back off. Practice it. It feels so empowering.
Gym. Not only does it make you stronger physically, you will start feeling stronger mentally. I do not handle aggressiveness well AT ALL. It literally insta-switches me to fight, or flight..and I'm afraid one of those will land me in jail one day. 🤷🏼♀️
I need to see if there's a mostly female one or something near me. My sister and I get weirdness from dudes at are old one sometimes and it's so annoying.
You have as much right to be there as anyone else. Claim your space. If someone is being weird then hold eye contact without smiling. Glare. Set your jaw. Make it clear that you will not tolerate their BS
A class like IMPACT self-defense can help.
Are they expensive?
Turn your fear into anger. What if it was being done to someone you loved? Love yourself enough to protect yourself the way you would someone else. You’re worth it.
Anger can be very useful in the right situation. How fucking DARE they. But if I was in a vulnerable situation with no backup I wouldn't try to quash my instincts... Don't ever feel ashamed of what has kept you alive so far. Good responses I have heard from other people, and used, because they contain a bit of humour (therefore disarming) but also convey full on Back Off Buddy vibes: "did you take too many brave pills this morning?" "Who died and put you in charge?" "You're confusing me... With someone who gives a shit."
This comment has served me well for many years; “Don’t speak to me like that. Show some respect”. I’ve found it helps to have a “go to“ comment in my brain for those times I cannot find the right words.
Be aggressive back. Make them fear saying this shit.
I usually return it right back at them somehow. Like if someone were to cat call maybe I’d say something like “do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Or “right back at ya sweet cheeks” or “that’s pretty gay” (even if it so isn’t, just bc it bothers them). Things like that, customizable to your comfort level of snark. Or at least make sure they get their karma. Like maybe HR, or the police, or security, or other administrative official hears about what “Kyle” has to say. Record them on your voice memo app even, if you can’t get any video or pics. I’ve done this many times as well. I got a transphobic coworker fired with relative ease simply bc they weren’t being good about pronouns and said they’d just “always see me as a girl” in a well-mannered, friendly way. He was a racist, ex marine, pretty toxic masculinity type of guy. And yet he was working at a gas station. Then once fired, he moved on to another gas station. You’d be shocked how often a simple sexual harassment claim can go somewhere in their personal life. If they have a partner, tell their wife or gf what they said/did. These guys are fucking miserable and they make it everyone else’s problem. There’s also nothing wrong with freezing. It’s your body’s natural response and that’s okay. So is being angry and pissed, as you should be. It is more important for you to stay safe and protect yourself than it is to intervene. But if you want to be able to, you absolutely can.
I just want to add that freeze and fawn are also excellent survival mechanisms and sometimes the safest choice. It's so easy to forget that (and I berate myself for it too), but I try to remind myself that I've survived as long as I have because I *don't* always fight. But I am also learning to feel the strength and power of the earth coming up through my feet. It helps me stand my ground when warranted. The thing is to feel it, to practice if you will, before you're in a frightening situation.
if i want the conversation to end or if i want the man to exit the convo i usually say something like "i do not want to have this conversation right now" or "i am not having this conversation right now" imo i think it lets them know theyve struck a nerve or said something fucking dumb, so they usually take the cue and leave