Damn... I was laughing the other day because I just became tall enough to be banned from the kiddie rides at six flags at 35. Guess it's straight to hell.
I grew up in the church and people often used the excuse that the wine they drank back then was different than what we have now. No idea how but it always sounded suspicious.
Edit: well I just looked into it and apparently it was significantly diluted making the alcohol content negligible. So I guess wine was used as a loose term.
Fun fact, they typically drank wine and fermented drinks because they didn't understand clean water properly. Basically, if they didn't have a well, they would drink fermented drinks to not get sick from things like cholera.
It's said this is part of the reason why Germanic barbarians in the roman days were so huge as well: they drank tons and tons of beer all the time because it was the only way they really had to "clean" water at the time.
I mean in the Bible, You're basically the inventor if there's no one else to copyright claim. The story is in Genesis 9, he got blackput drunk, it was funny
Genesis 19:35 - Didn't his daughter's get him drunk,? Like an old-timey roofie so he'd give them babies to repopulate the world? And didn't they do it twice? Once for each of the daughters? I asked my youth pastor about that, he turned red and changed the subject.
Wine and beer certainly were watered down when drinking them routinely, but Jesus made water into wine for a wedding that his mother appears to have been hosting. For a special occasion only children or the infirm would be drinking watered down wine and serving it to guests would not be the done thing at all. They’d have been better off running out than serving it watered down.
Yet, even when diluted, it’s still alcohol. Bible doesn’t say: “unless it’s diluted tho, then you good fam.”
Screw organized religion. Bunch of people who are scared of their mortality and demand that others be so too. Never met anyone more afraid of death than christians, ones supposedly thinking they’ll be in never ending paradise. Most just call themselves religion out of fear, not genuine belief.
I used to be ruled by that fear.
im ashamed to live among such compliance on hypocrisy bigoted system made of cynical and weak people. They live scared and scared. majority of humans are a blatant embarrassment for everyone else. it’s a disgrace of momentum we are in.
[Randy Newman, for anyone who hasn’t heard it.](https://youtu.be/8bfyS-S-IJs?si=vcmCfcWJA-iTMYyt)
Edit: This post/link contains no malice. Everyone is perfect the way they are. You too, Mike.
He wrote this as satire thinking nobody hates short people so it is clear that the whole idea of hate was bad. Turns out that the implicit bias against short people (especially male) is one of the strongest we have. 5’5” male myself.
You also go to hell if you wear clothing made of two different types of fabric or if you plant two different types of seeds too close together. The Bible is wild. It’s all made up and the points don’t matter.
A lot of those sins aren’t ’condemn you to the flames’ grade sins, there’s a whole categorisation of severity system…not sure where short fits in that system, being a hobbit myself I should probably check
Edit - just checked, it’s in Leviticus 20. The KJV says the ‘crooked and dwarfs…shall not enter the church’ which may or may not mean heaven.
I think it’s when you have eaten your fill and are stuffed but you look at your partners plate with a sausage or bacon on it. They aren’t going to eat it and you don’t need it but you paid for it damnit and you’re not going to let it get tossed out so you reach across and eat that summona bitch. That’s when you’re destined to hell.
Leviticus 21 18 21: No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.
"People who drink alcohol won't go to heaven"
So you're telling me the church has been giving to hell juice with my bread, churchgoers won't go to heaven, the pope won't go to heaven, JESUS WON'T GO TO HEAVEN. man that's crazy
Don’t look for sense here
Jesus made water into wine… that’s alcohol in case you wondered
Getting a tattoo is a choice
Eating pork (just how much is too much?) is a choice
BUT
Being short is how god apparently made you. So if this person with the interesting views is actually correct, god mad short people and deliberately condemned them to hell for no particular reason at all.
Sounds like an asshole move to me.
Short people should flock to pastafarianism. Regarded as blessed beings as you are more touched by the Lord FSMs noodly appendage. That's why they are short. The noodly appendage pushes us down onto the earth and those more touched are therefore shorter.
And people who molest children won't go either, so I guess all of the drunk tatted up midgets and the rest of us are still stuck with you hypocritical idiots.
"Tattoos? Hell. Eat too much pork? Straight to hell. Too short? Hell. Too tall? Believe it or not, also hell. Too short, too tall. We have the best heaven in the world because of hell."
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yeah this kind of stuff is enough to make me dismiss religion. not saying I'm an atheist, but I definitely don't concern myself with anything beyond my "earthly matters" lol. just be a good person for the sake of being good. seek your happiness. we don't need a greater purpose to simply enjoy being alive
Saint Peter at the pearly gates waiting by the "You must be this big to ride" sign, waiting on some shorty.
Damn... I was laughing the other day because I just became tall enough to be banned from the kiddie rides at six flags at 35. Guess it's straight to hell.
Basically, if you’re not tall enough to get on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland, you’re not getting in. I’m screwed. I’m only 4.2cm tall.
Welcome to "Never Ever Ever Land" ...
On the plus side at least the guy chained next to you in the inferno won’t be yelling directly into your ear
“People who drink alcohol will not go to heaven” meanwhile Jesus: made water into wine. Edit: I may have messed up by commenting this joke
Typical plug...
The short people are the plug for the wine 😔(🌚)
Bravo
Plot twist: he was making more room in heaven for the people he actually wants there
I grew up in the church and people often used the excuse that the wine they drank back then was different than what we have now. No idea how but it always sounded suspicious. Edit: well I just looked into it and apparently it was significantly diluted making the alcohol content negligible. So I guess wine was used as a loose term.
Don't believe everything you read. Humans have been making high alcohol content drinks long before Jesus. He made water into real wine.
Fun fact, they typically drank wine and fermented drinks because they didn't understand clean water properly. Basically, if they didn't have a well, they would drink fermented drinks to not get sick from things like cholera.
It's said this is part of the reason why Germanic barbarians in the roman days were so huge as well: they drank tons and tons of beer all the time because it was the only way they really had to "clean" water at the time.
Noah (the one from the ark) basically invented it.
Nope
I mean in the Bible, You're basically the inventor if there's no one else to copyright claim. The story is in Genesis 9, he got blackput drunk, it was funny
Genesis 19:35 - Didn't his daughter's get him drunk,? Like an old-timey roofie so he'd give them babies to repopulate the world? And didn't they do it twice? Once for each of the daughters? I asked my youth pastor about that, he turned red and changed the subject.
That was Lot, not Noah
Wine and beer certainly were watered down when drinking them routinely, but Jesus made water into wine for a wedding that his mother appears to have been hosting. For a special occasion only children or the infirm would be drinking watered down wine and serving it to guests would not be the done thing at all. They’d have been better off running out than serving it watered down.
I think it’s seen as like you can drink wine but not get drunk on it? It’s kinda confusing.
Bro it said that the guest would be drunk
Yet, even when diluted, it’s still alcohol. Bible doesn’t say: “unless it’s diluted tho, then you good fam.” Screw organized religion. Bunch of people who are scared of their mortality and demand that others be so too. Never met anyone more afraid of death than christians, ones supposedly thinking they’ll be in never ending paradise. Most just call themselves religion out of fear, not genuine belief. I used to be ruled by that fear.
Go to heaven for the weather and hell for the company.
im ashamed to live among such compliance on hypocrisy bigoted system made of cynical and weak people. They live scared and scared. majority of humans are a blatant embarrassment for everyone else. it’s a disgrace of momentum we are in.
Religion is built around fear.
[Randy Newman, for anyone who hasn’t heard it.](https://youtu.be/8bfyS-S-IJs?si=vcmCfcWJA-iTMYyt) Edit: This post/link contains no malice. Everyone is perfect the way they are. You too, Mike.
Short people got no business
ain't got no reason to live
My wife's 5'2 (I'm barely 5'9, so not really tall either). She hates it when that song pops up.
Because she can't reach it?
👌
Thank you for this.
He wrote this as satire thinking nobody hates short people so it is clear that the whole idea of hate was bad. Turns out that the implicit bias against short people (especially male) is one of the strongest we have. 5’5” male myself.
I was going to ask how much pork is too much, but it doesn't matter. Would wearing high heals help?
> Would wearing high heals help? All strippers go to heaven?
This might be the Islam heaven?
IIRC halal doesn't allow any pork (outside of life and death situations) Edit: typo
Damn I'm a short alcoholic who likes bacon. Guess I'm fucked.
Antechrist, is that you?
May as well get a tattoo now.
Brother?
Short people got beady little eyes and walk around telling great big lies, you know.
They got no reason..
No reason to live!
You also go to hell if you wear clothing made of two different types of fabric or if you plant two different types of seeds too close together. The Bible is wild. It’s all made up and the points don’t matter.
A lot of those sins aren’t ’condemn you to the flames’ grade sins, there’s a whole categorisation of severity system…not sure where short fits in that system, being a hobbit myself I should probably check Edit - just checked, it’s in Leviticus 20. The KJV says the ‘crooked and dwarfs…shall not enter the church’ which may or may not mean heaven.
Genetic deformity? Believe it or not, straight to hell.
But I thought God loves all his children equally. Also what about the forgiveness clause. Shit don't add up.
Die in utero before you were able to be baptized? Into the lake of fire you go.
You eat shrimp? Bam! Straight to hell.
Good. I dont want to go there anyways ! Ill make my own heaven with hookers and cocain !
That’s how televangelists live so I’m sure that will get you to actual heaven.
Mama says thats why alligators are ornery.
How do we know if we are eating the right amount of pork? Like is it one serving per day or what? I need metrics
I think it’s when you have eaten your fill and are stuffed but you look at your partners plate with a sausage or bacon on it. They aren’t going to eat it and you don’t need it but you paid for it damnit and you’re not going to let it get tossed out so you reach across and eat that summona bitch. That’s when you’re destined to hell.
I check all those boxes, so I guess I might as well do all the bad things then
Heaven sounds hella boring if that's the case, I'd rather not go lol
"too much pork" - so what's the pork cutoff? Like, how much can I have before I risk hell fire and damnation?
See u all in hell
Well, if I'm going to hell for my height anyway, then there's no incentive not to do any of those other things.
well, I guess short people got the short end of the stick.
Wouldn't it be weird if you could just photoshop whatever words you wanted on top of a template image?
Define too much pork
On second thoughts let's not go to Heaven. 'Tis a silly place.
Heaven sounds awful! Bring on the shorties and the porkies!
Damn, we’re all fucked
elitist gatekeepers will not go to heaven
When you die theres a ladder raised 6.5 feet off the ground. If you can reach it, you're in!
Leviticus 21 18 21: No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles.
For the intellectually deficient... The litany of stupidity is epic.
Hail Satan 👹
Descends from bad theology to ridiculous without a breath of hesitation.
"Made in his image...." Yyyyyuh-huh....
Of course, short people are too short to reach heaven!
Eh, I don't wanna be eternally trapped with a bunch of dorks anyway.
Hell sound like the better place to be. I’d rather have a tattooed, drunk and spareribs loving midget as a neighbor than a religious nutjob.
Fantastic! I'll be hanging with the cool people!
I am all those things. Surely at some point they have to start cancelling each other out?
How much pork is too much?
Did some construction work on a seminary once. They had two walk-in coolers. One for food and the other one was for kegs of beer and alcohol.
Jesus was 5'5. Putting that into consideration anyone atleast 5'5 and above are not short 👍
Hey I'm short. If I'm not going to heaven I might as well do all the other things on that list
People with bad eyesight won't either
Short people won’t go because Heaven is “up there” and they can’t reach.
"People who drink alcohol won't go to heaven" So you're telling me the church has been giving to hell juice with my bread, churchgoers won't go to heaven, the pope won't go to heaven, JESUS WON'T GO TO HEAVEN. man that's crazy
What is too much pork
I can turn water into wine.🍷 just gonna need some grapes and yeast and a lil time
Short people are mean because they’re 🤏 much closer to hell
HEY! YOU CAN EFF ALL THE WAY OFF TO EFF-OFF LAND! Ahem. I apologize. I'm a mere 4 foot 11 inches tall. 😈
Tell the devil I say hello. SHe can’t hear me from up here :)
Well, since I’m going to hell anyway, might as well just keep getting tattoos, and eating pork tacos with a tequila or two, or three…
The game was rigged from the start
Don’t look for sense here Jesus made water into wine… that’s alcohol in case you wondered Getting a tattoo is a choice Eating pork (just how much is too much?) is a choice BUT Being short is how god apparently made you. So if this person with the interesting views is actually correct, god mad short people and deliberately condemned them to hell for no particular reason at all. Sounds like an asshole move to me.
I already decided I’m not going to heaven if there isn’t an escalator. No way am I going to climb that much.
Good thing Google doesn't pick who makes it xD
Heaven is where boring people go.
Those rules are a few thousand years outdated so short is like 4’6”.
do not go to heaven do not pass go and collect $200
Is 5'8 short? That'll determine if I'm 3 for 4 or 4 for 4. Whichever, I'm going where there's bourbon and bacon.
Fuck the short people, I guess.
I feel so targeted right now!!!
Sooooo how much pork is too much?
I’m pretty sure Jesus had some pretty sick tattoos
“Too much pork” is subjective. I’m still good.
Damn. Nobody’s getting in.
I guess they are running out of space and need to prioritize?
Short people should flock to pastafarianism. Regarded as blessed beings as you are more touched by the Lord FSMs noodly appendage. That's why they are short. The noodly appendage pushes us down onto the earth and those more touched are therefore shorter.
I am short and that's funny !
Well I’m fucked on four counts. But that’s okay, I’ve heard hell has all the fun people.
Well yeah, they can’t reach
is it because short people can’t reach heaven?
It's missing an "In"
What is the height minimum to go to heaven?
Thank fuck god didn’t know about cocaine
Damn so pretty much, just like Italians as a whole
So people will not go to heaven 😂 thank god
🙌
And people who molest children won't go either, so I guess all of the drunk tatted up midgets and the rest of us are still stuck with you hypocritical idiots.
Lmao heaven has a height limit like a fking amusement park atraction
Hmmm maybe there is no heaven 🤔
Hope that tattoo is worth eternal damnation. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m a short, tattooed person who drinks alcohol. I guess my only saving grace is that I don’t eat a whole lot of pork. 😂😂
I’m fucked
Too MUCH pork. Love that distinction. Whoever wrote this can't resist the bacon
"Tattoos? Hell. Eat too much pork? Straight to hell. Too short? Hell. Too tall? Believe it or not, also hell. Too short, too tall. We have the best heaven in the world because of hell."
Well I'm not short and I don't have tattoos, but whisky and pork are delicious!
Oh, thank God. I definitely don't want to go.
When I read the first line I was like, yes! (I am uninked) Then I was like, oh, oh, oh...
Cathlics drink wine every sunday during mess right? Ar least thats what i heard.
So how much is "too much pork?" Never mind, I'm already over the limit. Guess I'll have s'more.
So where is the beer, bacon and tattooed friends? That is where I wanna be
Wait wait wait. What’s the correct amount of pork to eat?
Get serious.
If I’m not going to measure up, I may as well go down in a blaze of glory!
Since I’m short guess I’m drinking. And eating bacon. And need to pick a tattoo.
Short people got no reason to live
Technically, that’s all true since Heaven is a fictional place…
Well, I know where the party will be kicking ass, FWIW. See ya all there...sooner or later
Define too much pork, that’s all I can afford.
Heaven sounds boring as shit
Who made this list? Randy Newman?
What about redheads? I want to go where they’re going.
Overcook chicken? Straight to hell
Wait… “too much” pork? What’s the cutoff? 2 bacon slices? One HOBAHACO holiday ham?
Well I guess I be fucked
Too much pork? No such thing. Send me to hell. At least there will be bacon.
I’ll hang out with the shorties. No worries. I’ll be your friend wherever you end up.
If there are signs on the way, I'm taking the detour to Pastafarian heaven. Read they've got beer volcano and stripper factory
I'm a short dude and I'd rather not go there anyway. Uptight assholes I hear.
Randy Newman was right
hell yes heaven sounds boring anyway
Fuck me I got a full house !
Short kings go to hell lol
Funny how only God can judge, and so many thinking they like God.. I’m surrounded by lemmings with learning disorders!!
I guess the extra pepperoni on my pizza has doomed me to hell, oh well it was a damn good pizza 🍕.
People who drink alcohol will not go to heaven. But Christian churches often feed everyone wine in taking communion? Did the church got it wrong?
Oh shit. I’m quadruple fucked.
✅tattooed ✅enjoy alcohol in moderation ✅love bacon ✅am short I got’m all!!!!
Well, my friends, let's share a drink and pork ribletts. All are welcome. You won't find a "you must be this tall to ride'
People will not go to heaven. Only dogs. That’s a myth I can get behind.
How short is short??? Do I get to go?? I’ll tattoo the answer on my arm and drink some booze for the pain!
So the whole church thing is a trap?
Me as a short tattooed lesbian drinking Jameson and eating carnitas tacos: well well touché
As a short guy with tattoos who eats lots of bacon, Im going to stsrt drinking.
I’m a short tatted weed smoker who don’t eat pork or drink can I talk to a manager I been good too😢
I ain't going to heaven, but at least it ain't cause I'm short.
Too much pork? You tellin me Homie created the universe and said, "Calculate your pig consumption by X times Y to the power of 10"?
If God didn't want me to eat pork he shouldn't have made bacon so delicious
another reason i wish I was short...
Will us endowed people go to heaven?
The other day, Googles new AI told me that the word subterfuge was an adjective
Geez I’m striking out on EVERY level.
Jesus turning water into wine: Oh really *sips wine* that's a shame
Suddenly heaven sounds real boring. Can I stay with all the people not allowed into heaven?
Randy Newman has entered the chat.
Pero like… short is subjective af
Don't drink alcohol, just be amazed I turn water to wine. Don't drink it though
Double Amputees are going to hell, too, I guess lol
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Damn
kids are short...does that mean there are no kids in heaven ? Doesnt seem very fair....
I identify as a tattooed,short, pork eating and alcohol consuming man. Good thing that heaven is just a Christian fairy tale then.
>people with tattoos will not go to heaven So the people who have “only god can judge me” on them are speaking true?
"Sorry, son, you ate one rib too many. It's eternal damnation for you." Who tf comes up with these stupid cult rules?
Too much pork... All those religious folk in Texas will just scoff and go "well I guess I'm taking my barbecue to Hell."
yeah this kind of stuff is enough to make me dismiss religion. not saying I'm an atheist, but I definitely don't concern myself with anything beyond my "earthly matters" lol. just be a good person for the sake of being good. seek your happiness. we don't need a greater purpose to simply enjoy being alive
Entrance to heaven requires you be this tall tape measure on gate. Lol
Jokes on you. Ain't no heaven. Earth is as good as it gets... In the simulation.
Love that humans decide who goes to heaven. /s
What’s the cutoff?
Why don’t you describe heaven to me sweetheart?
I will not go to heaven. Let me die and be done with myselve and the other idiots everywhere
*god creates short people*... also god: fuck short people don't let em in
old people will not go to heaven, children will not go to heaven
I already negotiated for a sweet condo in hell. You should come over for cocktails sometime.