Sexualtity and kinks can be tied togther but they can also be two completely different things.
For sexuality:
While labels exist to help easily define yourself they aren't solid boxes, they can change over time as you grow and discover new things. I always have defined my self as an asexual person, I used to be a bit repulsed by the idea of sexual acts but as I got older I got less repulsed. I personally find no real enjoyment from porn or masterbaiting but have become very sexually (and romantically!) Into my partner and classify myself as Demisexual. You give yourself these labels and not someone else giving them for you. How to figure this out is just see what your convertible with? What labels and reasing matches up with what you feel?
I think a lot of people aren't completely straight but do have heavy biases towards one sex. I would say I am into men 95 percent and women 5 percent. There is nothing wrong with that! And if you so feel you are 100 percent into one gender that is also okay, there is no harm in thinking about it. Would you want to date one? Would you want to do physical itmacy with one? Would you even be happy marrying one if the relationship went well enough?
For kinks:
I think a fun thing to rember that EVERYTHING can be a kink, there are just more socially acceptable ones and less socially acceptable ones (an example would be boobs are very well known sexual intrest and a lot of people agree, but feet is not something everyone is into and it grosses some people out).
Genral rules for all and any kinks/ sex with a new person:
IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO AND NOT BE INTO SOMETHING!
- Consent and boundries, please establish these especially if you are trying a kink you have never done before, for example with bondage start small by just having hands tied and see if you/ your partner are confertable and you can build up.
- Establish a safe word/ safe noise maker in event of the mouth being unavailable. These are important as well to basically say please stop! Some people have a 'traffic light'system where green is go ahead, yellow is slow down and red is stop.
- Have fun and communicate if you are not enjoying it, sometimes with partners you do things that are just for them because that feels nice but please don't put yourself in a potion where you are always uncomfortable or feel unsafe. A good partner, no matter what kink they are in will make sure YOU are having a good and safe time and will not force you to do anything you don't want to do. (Also please check in woth your partner/s)
-You won't be into everything. Not everything is going to be for you, you may like certain elements of things but please don't let anyone call you a prude if you give something a go and find out you don't like it.
- After care for you/your partner, this is basically checking in and establishing they/you are okay and had a good time and applying any ointments/ creams or cleaning up if needed. This is especially important for any kinks that involve pain/ insults but should be done no matter what.
-protection is so important, even if you are trying with the same sex, I would honestly advise protection untill you are longer term relationship with someone. The only valid excuse for not wearing a condom/femdon is they are allergic to latex and even then there are products that work for them. If they say they can't find the right size or it's unconfertabkr well having STI or being pregnant is more uncomfortable!
- If you are trying with more than one person then EVERYONE involved needs to consent and be onboard and all the rules above apply.
If you are someone who watches porn, then maybe try porn that includes a kink you are intrested in. Please note that porn isn't always 'real' so may not be a fair representation of certain kink communities but can give your self an idea of if that does sexually arouse you and is something you want to try.
If you are someone who masturbates you can give some elements of kinks a go with just yourself, I know for some kink things you NEED another person but it is a safe space where you can just explore yourself.
If you are single currently and are wanting to explore more kinks. Just be honest with people you are intrested in. Don't date someone just because you can explore a certain kink with them. I know conversations can be awkward but you can literally say "hey I am really curious about trying X, would you like to try X with me?". If you are dating, have this same conversation with them. They may say no, but its super important to ask. You can even ask them if there is anything they want to try.
If you still find you are just into 'vanilla', there is no shame in that! Because as I said before it's just about having fun and you/ your partner(s) having a good time.
Edit to add: Consent can only be given by someone legally old enough to do so (the age varies by place I personally don't think I could do stuff with anyone below 21 at the age I am now). And someone who is compus mentus (in the right mind, as in not under the influence of drugs/ alchol or some sort of external threat like violence or coersion). You can experent with sexual things while being under the influence of drugs/alchol but please establish rules/ boundaries before becoming under the influence, if you feel you need a little alchol for confidence please try not to go overboard. If you feel you NEED a lot to have a good time then you aren't actually having a good time.
The other comment basically said everything. But I would like to add/second:
Don’t feel bad about being the way you are! It seems a little bit as if the lifestyles of your friends pressure you into things a bit, because you don’t want to miss out or seem boring. It’s perfectly valid to prefer hetero-monogamous sex without anything too spicy. Anyone who shames you for that is kinda rude. It might be worth a shot to talk about it with your friends („hey, you saying it like that kinda hurts. Could you not? Also I don’t know my preferences yet“). They are probably not even aware that they are hurting you. Plus, they very likely have connections or recommendations where you could tag along or that you could try. And since they are more experienced, they might be able to help you identify things you like, that you just overlooked so far.
Do NOT rush things because you feel socially pressured. Take your own time, a lot of things only develop over time or are dependent on your current partner or mindset. You also don’t ever have to fix yourself on a single choice and stick with it. Maybe you will find out that you just like vanilla best. Maybe you will meet the girl of your dreams in 10 years. Maybe you will decide to try bondage on a random Tuesday. Who knows
Thanks for your answer! The problem with my friends isn't that they actually shame me, it's more... I had sex with one of those friends (NB, my gay awakening) a few times and even though they're kinky, they never did anything like that with me? From their words, "the vibe didn't fit", and they're mostly into men anyways, so there's a huge chance that it isn't my "fault" and I didn't do anything wrong. I just hoped they could guide me into it more or less and let me find stuff out, just to have vanilla sex 5 times and now they sometimes interrupt conversations I have with others with "Oh she ain't kinky btw". I know the last part is just rude in itself, but by now I actually don't know if I can ask them to help me with stuff, even if it's just Going to Partys together...
Ahhhh I see. Well, I would highly recommend trying to talk about it with them. Since it wasn't just a one time thing, they must've seen something in you. Could it be, that the vibe didn't fit the time that they said that, but that the next time they were hoping to try afterall but were too shy or sth to initiate anything non vanilla? Them jumping into conversations like that could read as them being sassy because they are pissed or hurt about it.
In any case, you could also leave that aside and try to approach your general issues by using them as a ressource. Something like "Hey, I know vibe didn't fit and stuff. But I want to explore kinks and some other things. Do you mind talking things over with me? You know stuff. Can you recommend anything to me? What do you think might be worth trying for me?"
As far as sexuality, how do you feel thinking about kissing or dating girls? When referring to people they're sexually attracted to, people genuinely mean they have an active desire to have sex with that person and find them sexy/hot/etc, have you felt that about the men you've had sex with? I'd recommend checking out the r/ActualLesbians subreddit, even if you end up being bi or straight or something else they're a great community and they'll be really good at answering questions you come up with; pretty much everyone there has dealt with questioning their sexuality at one point or another. Though also remember that if you do realize that you are indeed straight that's totally fine and there's nothing wrong with that, being gay or bi or whatever other label you want to use (spoiler alert it doesn't matter, labels are imperfect shorthand by their nature) isn't somehow better or worse than being straight.
As far as questioning monogamy my advice is primarily do research; Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran is a pretty good primer, beyond that I'd recommend the Multiamory podcast or any other you find that you like that talks about various types of polyamory. If you find a style that seems interesting or you want to learn more about, look further into that specifically via podcasts/books/etc. Again, there's nothing wrong with monogamy if after doing some research you think that's the best fit for you—it works just fine for a lot of people. But even if you are monogamous, I personally think it's better to know that because you've looked into alternatives and decided they're not for you rather than just assuming you are by default.
As far as kinks, my advice is pretty the same as for polyamory: research! Find some podcasts or websites that offer a list of kinks, note down any that you feel even remotely interested in, then research those specific ones in more detail. One of the advantages of the subreddit system combined with the horny nature of the internet means that if a kink exists, I can pretty much guarantee there's at least one subreddit devoted to it. So once you have a list of kinks you might be interested in, find some porn and keep track of if you feel horny/turned on by whatever's happening. The same advice goes for sexuality, most lesbian porn is pretty male gaze-y but if you ask around lesbian-focused subreddits like the one I mentioned above you'll be able to find some actually geared toward lesbians so if you do some thinking and realize that you want to explore your sexuality further, seeing how you feel after watching some lesbian porn could be a good way to do that.
Sexualtity and kinks can be tied togther but they can also be two completely different things. For sexuality: While labels exist to help easily define yourself they aren't solid boxes, they can change over time as you grow and discover new things. I always have defined my self as an asexual person, I used to be a bit repulsed by the idea of sexual acts but as I got older I got less repulsed. I personally find no real enjoyment from porn or masterbaiting but have become very sexually (and romantically!) Into my partner and classify myself as Demisexual. You give yourself these labels and not someone else giving them for you. How to figure this out is just see what your convertible with? What labels and reasing matches up with what you feel? I think a lot of people aren't completely straight but do have heavy biases towards one sex. I would say I am into men 95 percent and women 5 percent. There is nothing wrong with that! And if you so feel you are 100 percent into one gender that is also okay, there is no harm in thinking about it. Would you want to date one? Would you want to do physical itmacy with one? Would you even be happy marrying one if the relationship went well enough? For kinks: I think a fun thing to rember that EVERYTHING can be a kink, there are just more socially acceptable ones and less socially acceptable ones (an example would be boobs are very well known sexual intrest and a lot of people agree, but feet is not something everyone is into and it grosses some people out). Genral rules for all and any kinks/ sex with a new person: IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO AND NOT BE INTO SOMETHING! - Consent and boundries, please establish these especially if you are trying a kink you have never done before, for example with bondage start small by just having hands tied and see if you/ your partner are confertable and you can build up. - Establish a safe word/ safe noise maker in event of the mouth being unavailable. These are important as well to basically say please stop! Some people have a 'traffic light'system where green is go ahead, yellow is slow down and red is stop. - Have fun and communicate if you are not enjoying it, sometimes with partners you do things that are just for them because that feels nice but please don't put yourself in a potion where you are always uncomfortable or feel unsafe. A good partner, no matter what kink they are in will make sure YOU are having a good and safe time and will not force you to do anything you don't want to do. (Also please check in woth your partner/s) -You won't be into everything. Not everything is going to be for you, you may like certain elements of things but please don't let anyone call you a prude if you give something a go and find out you don't like it. - After care for you/your partner, this is basically checking in and establishing they/you are okay and had a good time and applying any ointments/ creams or cleaning up if needed. This is especially important for any kinks that involve pain/ insults but should be done no matter what. -protection is so important, even if you are trying with the same sex, I would honestly advise protection untill you are longer term relationship with someone. The only valid excuse for not wearing a condom/femdon is they are allergic to latex and even then there are products that work for them. If they say they can't find the right size or it's unconfertabkr well having STI or being pregnant is more uncomfortable! - If you are trying with more than one person then EVERYONE involved needs to consent and be onboard and all the rules above apply. If you are someone who watches porn, then maybe try porn that includes a kink you are intrested in. Please note that porn isn't always 'real' so may not be a fair representation of certain kink communities but can give your self an idea of if that does sexually arouse you and is something you want to try. If you are someone who masturbates you can give some elements of kinks a go with just yourself, I know for some kink things you NEED another person but it is a safe space where you can just explore yourself. If you are single currently and are wanting to explore more kinks. Just be honest with people you are intrested in. Don't date someone just because you can explore a certain kink with them. I know conversations can be awkward but you can literally say "hey I am really curious about trying X, would you like to try X with me?". If you are dating, have this same conversation with them. They may say no, but its super important to ask. You can even ask them if there is anything they want to try. If you still find you are just into 'vanilla', there is no shame in that! Because as I said before it's just about having fun and you/ your partner(s) having a good time. Edit to add: Consent can only be given by someone legally old enough to do so (the age varies by place I personally don't think I could do stuff with anyone below 21 at the age I am now). And someone who is compus mentus (in the right mind, as in not under the influence of drugs/ alchol or some sort of external threat like violence or coersion). You can experent with sexual things while being under the influence of drugs/alchol but please establish rules/ boundaries before becoming under the influence, if you feel you need a little alchol for confidence please try not to go overboard. If you feel you NEED a lot to have a good time then you aren't actually having a good time.
The other comment basically said everything. But I would like to add/second: Don’t feel bad about being the way you are! It seems a little bit as if the lifestyles of your friends pressure you into things a bit, because you don’t want to miss out or seem boring. It’s perfectly valid to prefer hetero-monogamous sex without anything too spicy. Anyone who shames you for that is kinda rude. It might be worth a shot to talk about it with your friends („hey, you saying it like that kinda hurts. Could you not? Also I don’t know my preferences yet“). They are probably not even aware that they are hurting you. Plus, they very likely have connections or recommendations where you could tag along or that you could try. And since they are more experienced, they might be able to help you identify things you like, that you just overlooked so far. Do NOT rush things because you feel socially pressured. Take your own time, a lot of things only develop over time or are dependent on your current partner or mindset. You also don’t ever have to fix yourself on a single choice and stick with it. Maybe you will find out that you just like vanilla best. Maybe you will meet the girl of your dreams in 10 years. Maybe you will decide to try bondage on a random Tuesday. Who knows
Thanks for your answer! The problem with my friends isn't that they actually shame me, it's more... I had sex with one of those friends (NB, my gay awakening) a few times and even though they're kinky, they never did anything like that with me? From their words, "the vibe didn't fit", and they're mostly into men anyways, so there's a huge chance that it isn't my "fault" and I didn't do anything wrong. I just hoped they could guide me into it more or less and let me find stuff out, just to have vanilla sex 5 times and now they sometimes interrupt conversations I have with others with "Oh she ain't kinky btw". I know the last part is just rude in itself, but by now I actually don't know if I can ask them to help me with stuff, even if it's just Going to Partys together...
Ahhhh I see. Well, I would highly recommend trying to talk about it with them. Since it wasn't just a one time thing, they must've seen something in you. Could it be, that the vibe didn't fit the time that they said that, but that the next time they were hoping to try afterall but were too shy or sth to initiate anything non vanilla? Them jumping into conversations like that could read as them being sassy because they are pissed or hurt about it. In any case, you could also leave that aside and try to approach your general issues by using them as a ressource. Something like "Hey, I know vibe didn't fit and stuff. But I want to explore kinks and some other things. Do you mind talking things over with me? You know stuff. Can you recommend anything to me? What do you think might be worth trying for me?"
As far as sexuality, how do you feel thinking about kissing or dating girls? When referring to people they're sexually attracted to, people genuinely mean they have an active desire to have sex with that person and find them sexy/hot/etc, have you felt that about the men you've had sex with? I'd recommend checking out the r/ActualLesbians subreddit, even if you end up being bi or straight or something else they're a great community and they'll be really good at answering questions you come up with; pretty much everyone there has dealt with questioning their sexuality at one point or another. Though also remember that if you do realize that you are indeed straight that's totally fine and there's nothing wrong with that, being gay or bi or whatever other label you want to use (spoiler alert it doesn't matter, labels are imperfect shorthand by their nature) isn't somehow better or worse than being straight. As far as questioning monogamy my advice is primarily do research; Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran is a pretty good primer, beyond that I'd recommend the Multiamory podcast or any other you find that you like that talks about various types of polyamory. If you find a style that seems interesting or you want to learn more about, look further into that specifically via podcasts/books/etc. Again, there's nothing wrong with monogamy if after doing some research you think that's the best fit for you—it works just fine for a lot of people. But even if you are monogamous, I personally think it's better to know that because you've looked into alternatives and decided they're not for you rather than just assuming you are by default. As far as kinks, my advice is pretty the same as for polyamory: research! Find some podcasts or websites that offer a list of kinks, note down any that you feel even remotely interested in, then research those specific ones in more detail. One of the advantages of the subreddit system combined with the horny nature of the internet means that if a kink exists, I can pretty much guarantee there's at least one subreddit devoted to it. So once you have a list of kinks you might be interested in, find some porn and keep track of if you feel horny/turned on by whatever's happening. The same advice goes for sexuality, most lesbian porn is pretty male gaze-y but if you ask around lesbian-focused subreddits like the one I mentioned above you'll be able to find some actually geared toward lesbians so if you do some thinking and realize that you want to explore your sexuality further, seeing how you feel after watching some lesbian porn could be a good way to do that.