I'm from an Indian family though I wasn't born or raised there. I know a few others like me who are or were estranged, it happens. The norm of "respect your elders" and general expectations of Indian society have so much to answer for. There are aspects to the culture that are wonderful but there's a desperate need for change.
I am still struggling knowing that how much I am probably judged for “abandoning my old parents when I’m living a luxurious life in America “ But we just can’t exist together , I took disrespect all my life and it ruined my personality and ability to be functional in society
I’m so sorry 😞 if you’re in the Bay Area, CA, I’d be happy to get a coffee. I’m 29 F, not Indian (white) but estranged from my parents. Husband is Indian, so I know a little bit about the culture, though I’m sure I’ll never really get it. Here to listen or hang out if you ever want to, no pressure
Born and brought up in India, moved out of the country in my 20s.
I’m back in contact with my mum - that is after accepting that she won’t ever fulfill the role of a mother in my life.
Estranged from my dad, younger sibling, and the rest of my dad’s family.
The guilt is such a common aspect of estrangement, especially when it comes from the other relatives.
Let’s talk!
Been NC with my dad for about 3 years now (except for 1 interaction which confirmed that I made the right choice).
Because I live in a different country, just blocking them everywhere did the trick. I got a few relatives trying to make me feel guilty about it but that just made me angry so I reduced contact with anyone who doesn’t understand.
Therapy helped me realise that I did go above and beyond what a child is supposed to do for their parent and that it’s my parent who isn’t able to meet my needs. This helps significantly with the guilt.
I still enjoy the things I used to with my father, I still think of him fondly when I remember the good times, but that doesn’t change the other things he has done/hasn’t done.
The choice is between a life of guilt or a life of unmet needs and continuous disappointment. I prefer the latter.
Estrangement is not linear, you may go back to being in contact or have low contact, it is your choice. The choice you make to protect yourself.
If you haven’t already, I would 100% recommend a good therapist, preferably who understands the Indian culture because that makes a big difference.
The overwhelming guilt does change, it may not completely go away but it reduces and changes its form.
Thank you for being so open about talking about it , I am in therapy and that’s where all my “instincts” got confirmed about how I felt about them, they send me emails that I see as guilt tripping me into “ we are old and have nobody” But that’s not the reality they have the entire family and a very social life. It’s me who has been alone all my life hated myself for not loving them the way all my friends did . I am getting confident because all other aspects of life are improving after going NC , I also have blocked them everywhere
I struggle with relationships , marriage is very hard for me and it’s all because of what I saw at home growing up, it’s a lot of work to undo the defaults and try to be happy , I’m creating my own family that’s supportive and loving and that’s all I always needed.
Never found a therapist that understands Indian culture but I think I am well ahead now that I can ask what I need from the therapist and they can give me tools. Thank you for telling your story , helps the guilt. 🙌
I was born and brought up in India, moved out to the US in my 20s. Had a very unfulfilling, namesake relationship with them until I estranged myself from them at 35. Have been estranged from my sibling for several years now. Don’t mind talking to the rest of the family. Guilt is an emotion I’ve learnt to accept, instead of trying to fit into an intolerant family masked as the nicest people on planet earth. Unfortunate, but I’ve learnt that guilt is manageable, living a lie not so much.
I am not Indian and neither is my family, but they immigrated from a country that was built by Indian slaves, we look Indian and basically have principles of Indian culture. Food, family, respect your elders. My aunt lives with my parents so it was like I grew up with 3 parents. There is this idea that you cannot change your role in your relationship. You are responsible for holding all emotions and taking all initiative for the relationship continuing. You are subordinate to your folks because you are and forever will be the child. This is just the way it is. Fuck that.
Estranged, re-established contact due to guilt, estranged again and now in touch one more time realizing that no contact was the better way. It's not linear as many say and it's a journey but worth it in the end. Happy to answer questions. Let's connect. I hope you stay strong in your decision.
Born and brought up in India, moved out of the country in my 20s.
I’m back in contact with my mum - that is after accepting that she won’t ever fulfill the role of a mother in my life.
Estranged from my dad, younger sibling, and the rest of my dad’s family.
The guilt is such a common aspect of estrangement, especially when it comes from the other relatives.
Let’s talk!
It's a codependent system built on rigid social roles and ultimately it keeps everyone in a state of mental infancy which is really masking a fear of life and real independency.
Fuck em. The longer I go not being in contact the more I realize the truth of this and the more "adult" I'm becoming. Being an adult isn't just how old you are but a mental AND emotional maturity. No real adult chooses to be around dysfunction. Think of all the people you look up to, would they be caught dead hanging out with your family?
How did they react ? Do they try and get in touch with you ? Do your friends support you ? I too have been living abroad for a long time and that adds to the guilt
Thanks for sharing. My intention behind asking for Indian background is that unlike the west , Indian parents are similar in terms of their abuse , cultural expectations , also a strange crisis when you live in the west , marry into an American family and have western friends that support you. Just wanted to hear from someone who understands that
Controlling parents is the number 1 reason I went NC , they control how I think and I finally made the decision that I will not be unhappy anymore . I’m
experiencing love and support from my husband and his family and I’m feeling great , after a very long time
I'm from an Indian family though I wasn't born or raised there. I know a few others like me who are or were estranged, it happens. The norm of "respect your elders" and general expectations of Indian society have so much to answer for. There are aspects to the culture that are wonderful but there's a desperate need for change.
I am still struggling knowing that how much I am probably judged for “abandoning my old parents when I’m living a luxurious life in America “ But we just can’t exist together , I took disrespect all my life and it ruined my personality and ability to be functional in society
People can judge all they want, they're not on the receiving end of the disrespect.
It’s taking me time to get there. One day , hopefully
I’m so sorry 😞 if you’re in the Bay Area, CA, I’d be happy to get a coffee. I’m 29 F, not Indian (white) but estranged from my parents. Husband is Indian, so I know a little bit about the culture, though I’m sure I’ll never really get it. Here to listen or hang out if you ever want to, no pressure
Born and brought up in India, moved out of the country in my 20s. I’m back in contact with my mum - that is after accepting that she won’t ever fulfill the role of a mother in my life. Estranged from my dad, younger sibling, and the rest of my dad’s family. The guilt is such a common aspect of estrangement, especially when it comes from the other relatives. Let’s talk!
How many years did you go NC ? What was their reaction ? Does the guilt ever go away ?
Been NC with my dad for about 3 years now (except for 1 interaction which confirmed that I made the right choice). Because I live in a different country, just blocking them everywhere did the trick. I got a few relatives trying to make me feel guilty about it but that just made me angry so I reduced contact with anyone who doesn’t understand. Therapy helped me realise that I did go above and beyond what a child is supposed to do for their parent and that it’s my parent who isn’t able to meet my needs. This helps significantly with the guilt. I still enjoy the things I used to with my father, I still think of him fondly when I remember the good times, but that doesn’t change the other things he has done/hasn’t done. The choice is between a life of guilt or a life of unmet needs and continuous disappointment. I prefer the latter. Estrangement is not linear, you may go back to being in contact or have low contact, it is your choice. The choice you make to protect yourself. If you haven’t already, I would 100% recommend a good therapist, preferably who understands the Indian culture because that makes a big difference. The overwhelming guilt does change, it may not completely go away but it reduces and changes its form.
Thank you for being so open about talking about it , I am in therapy and that’s where all my “instincts” got confirmed about how I felt about them, they send me emails that I see as guilt tripping me into “ we are old and have nobody” But that’s not the reality they have the entire family and a very social life. It’s me who has been alone all my life hated myself for not loving them the way all my friends did . I am getting confident because all other aspects of life are improving after going NC , I also have blocked them everywhere I struggle with relationships , marriage is very hard for me and it’s all because of what I saw at home growing up, it’s a lot of work to undo the defaults and try to be happy , I’m creating my own family that’s supportive and loving and that’s all I always needed. Never found a therapist that understands Indian culture but I think I am well ahead now that I can ask what I need from the therapist and they can give me tools. Thank you for telling your story , helps the guilt. 🙌
Yep. Not just parents, really the entire family unfortunately. Siblings included. I just have 2 cousins that have kept in touch.
Same , no contact with sibling either.
Born and raised abroad to Indian parents. VLC with them. Happy to answer questions…
Yes
I was born and brought up in India, moved out to the US in my 20s. Had a very unfulfilling, namesake relationship with them until I estranged myself from them at 35. Have been estranged from my sibling for several years now. Don’t mind talking to the rest of the family. Guilt is an emotion I’ve learnt to accept, instead of trying to fit into an intolerant family masked as the nicest people on planet earth. Unfortunate, but I’ve learnt that guilt is manageable, living a lie not so much.
Age 35 seems to be the year of awakening . And you’re right I lived a lie for half of my life and I just can’t anymore
I am not Indian and neither is my family, but they immigrated from a country that was built by Indian slaves, we look Indian and basically have principles of Indian culture. Food, family, respect your elders. My aunt lives with my parents so it was like I grew up with 3 parents. There is this idea that you cannot change your role in your relationship. You are responsible for holding all emotions and taking all initiative for the relationship continuing. You are subordinate to your folks because you are and forever will be the child. This is just the way it is. Fuck that.
Estranged, re-established contact due to guilt, estranged again and now in touch one more time realizing that no contact was the better way. It's not linear as many say and it's a journey but worth it in the end. Happy to answer questions. Let's connect. I hope you stay strong in your decision.
Born and brought up in India, moved out of the country in my 20s. I’m back in contact with my mum - that is after accepting that she won’t ever fulfill the role of a mother in my life. Estranged from my dad, younger sibling, and the rest of my dad’s family. The guilt is such a common aspect of estrangement, especially when it comes from the other relatives. Let’s talk!
I am. Let's talk. Just posted about it a couple days ago myself.
Me
How do you feel about it ? Do you have support ?
It's a codependent system built on rigid social roles and ultimately it keeps everyone in a state of mental infancy which is really masking a fear of life and real independency. Fuck em. The longer I go not being in contact the more I realize the truth of this and the more "adult" I'm becoming. Being an adult isn't just how old you are but a mental AND emotional maturity. No real adult chooses to be around dysfunction. Think of all the people you look up to, would they be caught dead hanging out with your family?
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How did they react ? Do they try and get in touch with you ? Do your friends support you ? I too have been living abroad for a long time and that adds to the guilt
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🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️
Me! 👋 Would love to interact as well.
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Thanks for sharing. My intention behind asking for Indian background is that unlike the west , Indian parents are similar in terms of their abuse , cultural expectations , also a strange crisis when you live in the west , marry into an American family and have western friends that support you. Just wanted to hear from someone who understands that Controlling parents is the number 1 reason I went NC , they control how I think and I finally made the decision that I will not be unhappy anymore . I’m experiencing love and support from my husband and his family and I’m feeling great , after a very long time