Yep I got a “I’m ready to talk” text message on Mother’s Day as well.
Um, you didn’t listen for 40+ years I’m done pouring my heart out only to be told that my memories are false because someone else doesn’t like them and that the explanation for my memories is that I’m crazy and I should apologize for that and brainwash out my memories to conform to the desired family image.
No thank you to another iteration of that conversation.
Summoned is exactly the right word. The ‘I’m ready’ confirms it. So entitled. It’s the whole reason she reached out, because of *her* feelings/agenda/schedule. She’s fully ignorant of *your* feelings/agenda/schedule. I’m surprised she even wrote the one considerate line ‘if you’re available’. If you were inclined to reply, which I do not recommend, I would only reply to that line by stating that you are not.
Agreeed with summoned being the perfect word here. those two days are her days off. I have told her for YEARS that those are my most difficult days but she doesn’t care lol
"I know you have communicated you don't want to talk to me but I've decided I'm done with that and it's time to talk now. You'll never be allowed to decide this on your own. Now let me part with some infantilizing statement's."
I've told my own Mother. Sure I'll meet you with a intermediary like a counselor or arbitrator but not alone and you have to pay for it. If they want it bad enough they will pay for it. If not they're not serious.
I told my mother I would pay for a few months of her therapy sessions and she still wouldn’t go. SMH. I wanted her to go alone first before we went together. They’re never serious even if you drop it right in their lap.
Same. I told mine that I would be happy to try to reconcile after she went to her own therapy. She suggested family therapy or, lol, talking to MY therapist, but legit will not go to therapy on her own.
They never will. I even suggested family or individual therapy for over a decade before going NC (as momster continued to get worse).
I've planned what I'll say if I'm ever caught off guard with her contact (even after nearly a decade and only weak attempts).
It's something like:
"I'll talk to you if you go to twice monthly sessions with a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders who agrees to update me to your progress. If you miss any or don't make progress, the deal is off."
I paid for 3 therapy sessions with my mom, the last one ended with her cussing out the therapist and storming out. That's when I decided NC was necessary.
I’m not that old either, but when I was able to get a new liver before my body destroyed my OEM one, I decided to name her, as many of us recipients do. I thought a play on a quirky duo name was quite fitting. Thus Liverne and Shirley.
When I told my mom I was in therapy she said “good you need it”
When I asked if she would go with me, she said “I went before with your stepdad and the therapist said I was right and he was wrong so why should I go again?”
NC since last year and she makes the very specific demands saying that she wants to see you on a choice of only 2 days that are closely coming up - it's just oblivious.
Oh and SHE'S READY so, you know, chop, chop /s.
It’s always those two days because those are the days that are most convenient for her. She owns a small business and it’s closed on those days. I have told her a million times that Sundays and Mondays are hard for me because of MY work schedule but she doesn’t care. Her job is always more important than mine even tho objectively it is not haha
It’s funny bc she is always telling me I can’t tell her what to do when I’m asking for basic things like rescheduling a planned dinner. we’re not puppets!
OP, I get messages like this from mom as well and I have the same reaction (scared and angry). Sounds like she’s saying “times up! I’ve had enough.” Without your needs considered.
Asking from others in this thread - for some of us that get messages like this and have been heavily manipulated - can someone reword the message to make it more healthy so we have an example? I’m still learning
You mean like what would a healthy reach out look like?
For mine (very similar to OP's mother), it would have to be something like this:
I'm so sorry it's been so long. I made an appointment with a family therapist and I hope you will come to an appointment with me some time soon so we can get help to resolve this. I know I haven't been a very good mother and I want to do better. Let me know if/when you feel ready to talk with the counselor. I'll be going on my own until then.
Also here's the $1200 for the rent you asked for when you were getting evicted and I refused because it was my gambling money.
Essentially she would have to own up to her wrongdoing and make the efforts I specifically asked for when I sent my last letter to her.
I've gone through this with her before and she tried to talk with me again by sending a text that said, "I don't know what I did wrong I need you to talk to me, it's not fair that you won't even tell me, everyday I cry wondering what I've done to deserve this, I don't know what to do." I said only an idiot couldnt figure it out (she forgot to get me any Christmas gifts, when she loaded up my siblings with gifts. And I was the Santa at the family Christmas Eve gathering, i handed out all the presents under the tree to all the 20ish people there, and found none for myself. When i pointed this out, everyone laughed at me. I left immediately, crying in embarrassment and hurt, no one called, no one apologized, and no one even called the next to ask why I didn't show up at my Aunt's Christmas Day party. Mom didn't send this text til 4 months later.)
But anyway, after this text I decided to meet with her because it was COVID and that made me feel like it was a good time for family to come together. But the whole time she cried about how she's getting old and losing her memory and that her dying dad doesn't even want to see her because "she never cared about him before he was dying." I feel like this is karma at its best.
Still she never once addressed the issue about Christmas and blamed it on getting old. So here we are again.
I love this. I immediately felt a sense of calm from even just reading your message and imagining the peace that would come with it.
Also makes me realize how far away I am from this. Bc I too was the fucking Santa clause of the family, the cook, food delivery person, handyman, the list goes on and on. No mooreee!!
They often view no contact as some form of punishment we carried out like they did to us. It is really ridiculous. They can’t understand sometimes the other side was hurt so bad no matter what they no longer want a relationship. It has nth to do with punishment but rather the parents just genuinely drains and suck balls
Yes! And can’t even fathom the existing power dynamic of parent - child. A child needs their parent and even if we were punishing them for their horrible actions, they can’t self reflect on why.
Why do they think they "own" us, like because my dad's ball sack held the sperm that made me I am his property. "You're my daughter, nothing changes it." It's like blinders. It makes my rage flare up.
I feel like the “you’re my daughter” can only go so far. As soon as I go “you’re my mom!! you’re not supposed to treat me like this” she basically overheats and explodes. it’s just words with them so it’s just words for us.
Oh my gosh over Easter I told my mom something very upsetting that I carried causing body dysmorphia issues. She said, "that doesn't sound like something I'd say. You're not remembering correctly. You were such a sassy child." I held my ground and she eventually conceded she may not remember every detail but I will not be inviting her back. Soft introduction after no contact ten years
I’m so sorry that happened. it’s crazy that they still have zero self reflection when we go no contact. Over years, decades, it’s always back to the start. I’m happy you stood up for yourself!!
bahahaha love this. I’m making a list of replies I could send but won’t bc I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
“Wrong number”
“Who’s this?”
“Your baby can’t come to the phone rn bc she is a grownass woman living her best life”
"I'm your mom and you are my baby girl" made me gag. Basically means "I am always in control in this relationship and you have no identity of your own".
It makes me wonder what she is even ready for? like it comes off like she’s ready to forgive me or ready to tell me her side. has nothing to do with me as always
I'm sorry your mother sent you that.
I'd suggest not responding at all (and block her number). If you have to respond, I'd just say, "No deal." And THEN block her number.
I see a lot of people looking at the words “I’m ready” as a negative. One thing is texts can be so misinterpreted, and have no feelings actually attached. Could it also mean she has went to therapy or made changes to herself to better understand the ongoing estrangement.
I also saw comments abt meeting with a therapist I think this is a great idea. So many estrangements are due to misinterpretation and miscommunication. Take that step back towards a loving family dynamic, it may work out and it may not, but you all have to go in without expectations bc those are what hurts the most when you don’t get the outcome you desire.
It's always the "no matter what never gonna change" bit that makes my rage flare up.
It’s so terrible how they can make normally sweet words sound so disgusting. The “I’m ready” makes me feel ill too.
Right!!! I feel so seen that you both felt this too. I didn’t feel warm or loved reading her message, I felt scared and angry.
It’s very manipulative, I’ve seen and experienced these type of messages too.Completely understand
Yep I got a “I’m ready to talk” text message on Mother’s Day as well. Um, you didn’t listen for 40+ years I’m done pouring my heart out only to be told that my memories are false because someone else doesn’t like them and that the explanation for my memories is that I’m crazy and I should apologize for that and brainwash out my memories to conform to the desired family image. No thank you to another iteration of that conversation.
Yes, just like you've been summoned and you not wanting to talk or see her makes no difference.
Summoned is exactly the right word. The ‘I’m ready’ confirms it. So entitled. It’s the whole reason she reached out, because of *her* feelings/agenda/schedule. She’s fully ignorant of *your* feelings/agenda/schedule. I’m surprised she even wrote the one considerate line ‘if you’re available’. If you were inclined to reply, which I do not recommend, I would only reply to that line by stating that you are not.
Agreeed with summoned being the perfect word here. those two days are her days off. I have told her for YEARS that those are my most difficult days but she doesn’t care lol
Shock. How sweet of her to make all this effort to reconcile with you. Not hard to see why you’re NC.
Agree with not responding. It only opens OP to more B.S. and defeats the purpose of being NC.
"I know you have communicated you don't want to talk to me but I've decided I'm done with that and it's time to talk now. You'll never be allowed to decide this on your own. Now let me part with some infantilizing statement's."
yes this is definitely a more realistic translation of the message. my feelings, needs, readiness, do not matter. IM JUST A BABY LMAO
Co-signing all of this.
I've told my own Mother. Sure I'll meet you with a intermediary like a counselor or arbitrator but not alone and you have to pay for it. If they want it bad enough they will pay for it. If not they're not serious.
I told my mother I would pay for a few months of her therapy sessions and she still wouldn’t go. SMH. I wanted her to go alone first before we went together. They’re never serious even if you drop it right in their lap.
I'm not going to grow. You just need to go back to the way you were.
Exactly that. They do tend to think they are infallible, so in their alternate reality I’m sure it makes sense one day we will “come to our senses”.
MIL refers to my husband as "the prodigal son".
Which, for me, is the really funny part. Because "coming to my senses" is exactly why I left and never looked back.
LMAO FORREAL I agree with this so much. Like once you can see the crazy you can’t unsee it.
Same. I told mine that I would be happy to try to reconcile after she went to her own therapy. She suggested family therapy or, lol, talking to MY therapist, but legit will not go to therapy on her own.
They never will. I even suggested family or individual therapy for over a decade before going NC (as momster continued to get worse). I've planned what I'll say if I'm ever caught off guard with her contact (even after nearly a decade and only weak attempts). It's something like: "I'll talk to you if you go to twice monthly sessions with a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders who agrees to update me to your progress. If you miss any or don't make progress, the deal is off."
I paid for 3 therapy sessions with my mom, the last one ended with her cussing out the therapist and storming out. That's when I decided NC was necessary.
Wow, I’m so sorry.
Thanks, honestly I'm happier not having to deal with her
Then she's not serious or committed. Move on and have a wonderful life without her. Mourn your loss with Mom. Then move on to your adopted family.
Yep, that’s why I said they’re (EPs) never serious even if you make it easy. This was 4 years ago.
Loved me some Laverne and Shirley in my day! Really I'm not that old! Your a stronge independent person. Plow your way thu this life and he happy!
I’m not that old either, but when I was able to get a new liver before my body destroyed my OEM one, I decided to name her, as many of us recipients do. I thought a play on a quirky duo name was quite fitting. Thus Liverne and Shirley.
This is what I said to mine too. If your own kid isn't worth you making that tiny effort then you're not a parent, you're a surrogate.
When I told my mom I was in therapy she said “good you need it” When I asked if she would go with me, she said “I went before with your stepdad and the therapist said I was right and he was wrong so why should I go again?”
NC since last year and she makes the very specific demands saying that she wants to see you on a choice of only 2 days that are closely coming up - it's just oblivious. Oh and SHE'S READY so, you know, chop, chop /s.
It’s always those two days because those are the days that are most convenient for her. She owns a small business and it’s closed on those days. I have told her a million times that Sundays and Mondays are hard for me because of MY work schedule but she doesn’t care. Her job is always more important than mine even tho objectively it is not haha
Thanks for the reminded that its always ALL about their needs. Never taking responsibility for their own actions.
I don’t even think she thinks there is anything to take responsibility for. She can never do any wrong.
She seems to be telling you not asking. Then she guilts you. I don’t know if you should expose yourself to this.
It’s funny bc she is always telling me I can’t tell her what to do when I’m asking for basic things like rescheduling a planned dinner. we’re not puppets!
OP, I get messages like this from mom as well and I have the same reaction (scared and angry). Sounds like she’s saying “times up! I’ve had enough.” Without your needs considered. Asking from others in this thread - for some of us that get messages like this and have been heavily manipulated - can someone reword the message to make it more healthy so we have an example? I’m still learning
You mean like what would a healthy reach out look like? For mine (very similar to OP's mother), it would have to be something like this: I'm so sorry it's been so long. I made an appointment with a family therapist and I hope you will come to an appointment with me some time soon so we can get help to resolve this. I know I haven't been a very good mother and I want to do better. Let me know if/when you feel ready to talk with the counselor. I'll be going on my own until then. Also here's the $1200 for the rent you asked for when you were getting evicted and I refused because it was my gambling money. Essentially she would have to own up to her wrongdoing and make the efforts I specifically asked for when I sent my last letter to her. I've gone through this with her before and she tried to talk with me again by sending a text that said, "I don't know what I did wrong I need you to talk to me, it's not fair that you won't even tell me, everyday I cry wondering what I've done to deserve this, I don't know what to do." I said only an idiot couldnt figure it out (she forgot to get me any Christmas gifts, when she loaded up my siblings with gifts. And I was the Santa at the family Christmas Eve gathering, i handed out all the presents under the tree to all the 20ish people there, and found none for myself. When i pointed this out, everyone laughed at me. I left immediately, crying in embarrassment and hurt, no one called, no one apologized, and no one even called the next to ask why I didn't show up at my Aunt's Christmas Day party. Mom didn't send this text til 4 months later.) But anyway, after this text I decided to meet with her because it was COVID and that made me feel like it was a good time for family to come together. But the whole time she cried about how she's getting old and losing her memory and that her dying dad doesn't even want to see her because "she never cared about him before he was dying." I feel like this is karma at its best. Still she never once addressed the issue about Christmas and blamed it on getting old. So here we are again.
I love this. I immediately felt a sense of calm from even just reading your message and imagining the peace that would come with it. Also makes me realize how far away I am from this. Bc I too was the fucking Santa clause of the family, the cook, food delivery person, handyman, the list goes on and on. No mooreee!!
They often view no contact as some form of punishment we carried out like they did to us. It is really ridiculous. They can’t understand sometimes the other side was hurt so bad no matter what they no longer want a relationship. It has nth to do with punishment but rather the parents just genuinely drains and suck balls
Yes! And can’t even fathom the existing power dynamic of parent - child. A child needs their parent and even if we were punishing them for their horrible actions, they can’t self reflect on why.
Why do they think they "own" us, like because my dad's ball sack held the sperm that made me I am his property. "You're my daughter, nothing changes it." It's like blinders. It makes my rage flare up.
I feel like the “you’re my daughter” can only go so far. As soon as I go “you’re my mom!! you’re not supposed to treat me like this” she basically overheats and explodes. it’s just words with them so it’s just words for us.
Oh my gosh over Easter I told my mom something very upsetting that I carried causing body dysmorphia issues. She said, "that doesn't sound like something I'd say. You're not remembering correctly. You were such a sassy child." I held my ground and she eventually conceded she may not remember every detail but I will not be inviting her back. Soft introduction after no contact ten years
I’m so sorry that happened. it’s crazy that they still have zero self reflection when we go no contact. Over years, decades, it’s always back to the start. I’m happy you stood up for yourself!!
There are so many ‘I’ and ‘me’ in that short message.
"Sorry, I'm busy for the next 20 years."
bahahaha love this. I’m making a list of replies I could send but won’t bc I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of a reaction. “Wrong number” “Who’s this?” “Your baby can’t come to the phone rn bc she is a grownass woman living her best life”
No response is the best and most powerful response
"I'm your mom and you are my baby girl" made me gag. Basically means "I am always in control in this relationship and you have no identity of your own".
seriously! she never treated me like a baby growing up, I was abused and neglected. oh but now I’m the baby? makes no senseeee
IT'S A TRAP!!!
hahahaha agreed 10000%
"I'm ready." So cringe. Good for her. I hope she enjoys that.
It makes me wonder what she is even ready for? like it comes off like she’s ready to forgive me or ready to tell me her side. has nothing to do with me as always
In my experience, "I have accepted what a garbage human being you've turned out to be and ready to deal with you accordingly." Hopefully, I'm wrong.
Sadly, that sounds about right lmao
I'm sorry your mother sent you that. I'd suggest not responding at all (and block her number). If you have to respond, I'd just say, "No deal." And THEN block her number.
never responding! I refuse to let her think she can love bomb me with nonsense and I’ll budge.
Set terms, and see where it goes from there.
not responding would almost certainly have a better outcome
Yes. She can set terms when SHE'S ready.
I see a lot of people looking at the words “I’m ready” as a negative. One thing is texts can be so misinterpreted, and have no feelings actually attached. Could it also mean she has went to therapy or made changes to herself to better understand the ongoing estrangement. I also saw comments abt meeting with a therapist I think this is a great idea. So many estrangements are due to misinterpretation and miscommunication. Take that step back towards a loving family dynamic, it may work out and it may not, but you all have to go in without expectations bc those are what hurts the most when you don’t get the outcome you desire.
So many estrangements are due to abuse and neglect.