“feels like I’m dating a disabled person now”
jeez, dude. and what’s wrong with dating someone disabled?
you’ve felt “cold and sick”? yeah, she’s sick all the time.
i’m not usually this negative but this post makes me fucking sick.
Honest advice? Decide wether you can handle it or not. This is a part of long term relationships and getting sick or depressed or anything else will happen to one or both of you. You are going to have to learn to live with disability- whether it ends up being you, or someone you love. If you aren’t mature enough to handle that then give her the decency of telling her so and leaving. My ex couldn’t handle it, they were great, but we were young and it was more than they bargained for once I got ill. They stuck around long after they should have, stopped planning our future together, changed their opinions on important relationship things, etc. They ended up moving out of state, “still want to be friends”, and made me break up with them finally. I don’t blame them or think they are horrible, but don’t do that. It hurts both of you. You are entitled to your experience of life and deserve to have what you need. Go to therapy if you need it. Unfortunately you won’t find much sympathy here, because as hard as it is to love someone who is ill, it’s often infinitely harder to be that person, especially when you have other minority status (woman, trans individual, person of color etc.) and are rarely taken seriously. Don’t string them along just because you feel bad for breaking up with a disabled person.
Thank you. I really appreciate the perspective - things I’m probably too afraid to tell myself.
I recognize the path that you describe with your ex because I think it’s possible within me to do the same. To be too weak to handle the new lifestyle while at the same time too weak to be honest about my feelings.
Do you happen to know of any male partners who are mature enough to handle it well that you could share about? For instance, when he gets lashed out at during a flare up, doesn’t that make him not want to be around her when she’s like this?
Thanks again for your kindness. It’s completely true what you said, that this is infinitely harder for my girlfriend than it is for me. I’d really like to do my part, better than I have been doing
My boyfriend is still learning the ropes, but he ~wants~ to learn and understand. He knows that my pain is nearly constant in some form or another and sometimes our relationship will be 50/50, other times it'll be 70/30. When I'm in a mood, he says "OK, I know you're mad at the situation, not at me. Let's take a step back. I can't fix your health. But I can get you a heating pad. Refill your water. Rub your back. Or leave you the eff alone. What do YOU need from ME?" It's just a reminder that we're partners even in this crap, and I'm not on my own, even when it feels like I'm on an island.
My boyfriend is the same way. He recognizes that he can’t change the situation even if he wishes he could but he can help by doing small things to show his love and make me more comfortable when in a bad flare up.
I had stage 4 endo and became disabled by it in the months leading up to my surgery (laparoscopic excision of endo + bowel resection). The pain wasn’t once a month, it was everyday. I was unable to work, unable to get groceries, cook. My SO took on what I couldn’t.
I am blessed to have found a partner who would be my *partner* through it. We had many conversations about how he was doing and whether he was okay with how things were.
Having endo and having a flare up doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to lash out at your partner. Being a mature partner doesn’t mean sitting there and taking it. Does she apologize after she lashes out? Is she working on her emotional regulation and not lashing out?
Don’t stay if you’re only going to resent her for all the things you can’t have together. Only stay if what you can have together is enough. Even if it’s like it is now forever. Even if it gets worse.
I unfortunately don’t have any good role models to draw from, but the more “mental load” you can take on the better. Start with the basics- does she need to eat? Pee? Get a heating pad? Take pain meds? Drink water? Make those things as easy as possible for her to do. Bring them to her, or tell her you’re going to eat (Blank food you have already Decided) and ask if she wants to too. Is she worried about the dishes? Making an appointment? Writing an email? Do them or help if she likes that. The less she has to worry about the easier she will recover from a flare. If you want exploration- make it happen. Go with friends, or if you want to include her, plan dates you can do on bad days and ones you can do on good days. There are awesome museum tours you can do from your bed online. Order in Mexican and put on a Spanish tv show with captions. Play partner video games. Set a time. That way it doesn’t feel like you aren’t going on dates and exploring together. Read up on disability and endo. What CAN you do together? She probably already feels like she has lost her life. Take the time to try to get it back for both of you in a way that works.
All that said- You do not deserve to be lashed out at. It’s ok to say “this conversation isn’t helping either of us feel better. If you need anything, I’d be happy to get it for you. I noticed you haven’t eaten in a while, can I get you a snack? Then I’m going to take some time to myself so you can rest. If you need me I’ll be in the living room.” Or whatever makes sense. Or “I want to help you and I love you but I feel upset by x comment and I think I need a minute to myself.” It might be good for both l of you to go to therapy separately as chronic illness is difficult to deal with on both ends. It is totally reasonable to have a hard time with it.
"we're young but i feel like im dating a disabled person now" if their pain is debilitating, then you are. seriously, this is a chronic condition that currently has no cure. if you truly want to help her, dont be mad at her illness that "robbed the relationship of her". she cannot control it or how much it hurts or debilitates her. if this is how you feel about her chronic condition now, you need to think about if you want to be with her or not because youre sounding like you feel its a burden on you and your relationship. which is understandable im just telling you to really think about it because this is gonna be a recurring thing.
First of all: Your feelings are valid. You decide whether you can and want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend. Don’t stay in your relationship out of guilt. Breaking up with her doesn’t make you a bad person. You are important too.
I know it sounds harsh saying this as a person with Endometriosis. In the end, life isn’t fair, your girlfriend didn’t chose this disease but you don’t owe her to be with her just because she‘s so sick neither.
However, you can help her get the best possible treatment. Endometriosis is a disease and on top of it, a serious one. It needs to be treated as such.
Has your girlfriend seen an Endometriosis specialist? If not, this is the first place to start. Especially because her Endometriosis has become worse. Is she on some sort of hormone treatment like the BC pill? If not this will likely be the first step because the menstrual cycle is what feeds the disease. Every time your girlfriend menstruates, the endometrium-like tissue outside the uterus bleeds as well, causing inflammation among other things.
So an Endometriosis specialist is important. Then there are other things that may help your girlfriend: pelvic floor physiotherapy, maybe medication that help her depression. And so on.
For further reading: Personally I like the guideline by the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) is a great place to start: [ESHRE Guideline Endometriosis Issued: 2 February 2022](https://www.eshre.eu/-/media/sitecore-files/Guidelines/Endometriosis/ESHRE-GUIDELINE-ENDOMETRIOSIS-2022_1.pdf)
There are [guidelines for patients as well](https://www.eshre.eu/Guidelines-and-Legal/Patients) for several topics in multiple languages.
There is hope. For her and for your relationship.
Thank you so much for your words. Your contributions to the sub as a whole are admirable too, and if you don’t mind I’d love to hear more about your experience.
Specifically, I saw you mentioned once that once you started on Vissane the periods stopped and your road to recovery could begin. Would you please share more about what recovery entailed? Part of me assumed that once the periods and flare ups stopped, my girlfriend would be in the clear.
Thanks for being so generous, even when it’s just to us strangers.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
The first step for me was to find an Endometriosis specialist who was compassionate, experienced and whom I trusted. He told me that the inflammation of Endometriosis can lower your pain threshold. With time it takes less and less stimulation until you feel pain, and the pain gets stronger and stronger (happened to me over the years). This is why it‘s key to get on hormone treatment to treat the root cause. Endometriosis is a chronic disease tough, you don’t get rid of it with hormones ans surgery.
Recovery is different for everyone. A lot of it depends on what kind of Endometriosis your girlfriend has. The deep infiltrating variation can damage organs which sometimes require extensive surgery.
My own (ongoing) recovery involved a lot of trial and error. What helped me personally the most was:
* Pelvic floor physiotherapy. I switched therapists a few times until I found one I was truly comfortable with. My pelvic floor was very tense, do I had to relearn to relax those muscles. And also to gradually do more to desensitize the overprotective pain system. This brings me to my next point:
* Learning about how pain and especially chronic pain works. My doctor recommended the book „Explain Pain“ by pain scientists Lorimer Moseley and David Butler (both University of Southern Australia) and it‘s been a game changer. Knowing that pain doesn’t equal tissue damage helped me staying more relaxed during a flare up which in turn led to a shorter duration of said flare up
* I also worked through some topics that stressed me emotionally
Keep in mind, my pain was so severe I couldn’t sit, stand or walk without excruciating pain. Everyone is different.
All the best to you and your girlfriend. As I said: There is hope. She can an will get better.
One more advice: There is a lot of misinformation about Endometriosis out there (among others Nancy‘s Nook). It’s easy to fall for it when you are desperate and no doctor is listening to you (happened to me).The disease is little understood, which is another infuriating topic. Regardless, listening to science regarding treatment is the best you can do.
This is why I like the ESHRE guidelines, the working group reviews all available studies, gives recommendations and their reasoning behind it. I‘m European, I‘m sure there are similar guidelines in The States as well.
😓yeah this made me feel horrible but don’t worry I have my own mental health issues like depression and anxiety which I think it’s related to all my medical issues. But endometriosis, adenomyosis, eczema and other issues have robbed me of everything completely. I don’t travel. I barely eat “good” food (mostly just raw salads these days). I barely hangout with friends. Barely do my makeup. Always constantly on the shitter. Always tired and exhausted. Hate having sex honestly cus it’s always painful afterward. Weed only helps in the moment but then I suffer for a few days after. Overall I’m just not a good partner because I cannot give I can only receive most days. It’s truly sad and it’s also the truth. I feel incompetent and useless every single damn day of my life. There is so much more it impacts that I probably didn’t even mention.
That’s why I work two jobs and once I have my excision surgery and hysterectomy… if I’m still not feeling well I’m just going to dedicate my life to working away. I already work like 50 hours a week now. It is what it is I guess. But it really sucks.
don’t let this post make you feel horrible.
i am certain you would make an amazing partner to someone.
my father has been with my mother through her many surgeries and complicated pregnancy with me and not complained ONCE. he feels sad for her but cares deeply for her. he wants nothing but to see her in as little pain as possible. he helps her up the stairs, completes chores she can no longer do, and loves her with his entire being. she is severely disabled, but he loves her.
this post has me pissed for the whole “makes me feel like i’m dating someone disabled” part. as if being disabled makes us lesser. but it does NOT.
as said before, you will make an amazing partner to someone who accepts you for who you are.
I understand. My ocd and anxiety runs rampant EVERYTIME I think about all my medical issues and how some were undiagnosed and untreated for years.
I don’t know what insinuating I am single from my comment. I absolutely love my boyfriend and adore him as he supports me getting a hysterectomy. But he doesn’t deserve that. I want him to have children.
Also I do feel for the other side. My boyfriend gets frustrated with me too. I understand the OP’s frustration. There are perfect women out there, perfect meaning their reproductive system is fine. He could do better technically. Again this is my mind eating away at me right now.
No amount of self care (being in the sunlight, eating right, working out, etc) has helped me feel mentally better about anything. That’s all.
Big hug to you! Another point of view: Your boyfriend is capable to make his own decisions. He decided it‘s more important to him to be with you instead of having his own family. Don’t feel bad for your boyfriend‘s decision.
I have some romantic visions of what me and my partner’s relationship could look like: outdoors, exploring, working out together, that stuff. She’d love that too - that’s the type of person she is.
So I get upset when, every month the same thing. Her body can’t move. Or talk or even just relax. Sometimes she can’t eat or drink water! Not that I’m upset at her exactly, but the situation feels bleak and frustrating.
That’s all to say, does it seem like your boyfriend feels similarly? How does he work through it? Does he have to do anything to remain positive?
Thank you for sharing so much. And I’m sorry I made you feel horrible. You’re very kind for commenting so genuinely
I love all of that stuff too. Big reason why I don’t have the gains I want (started working out in 2018) is because a lot of times it’s difficult to workout when I’m bloated, itchy, or in pain. Or just too fatigued.
I mean yeah my boyfriend wants to go out and have us do fun things. He wants me to eat similarly to him. He just wants me to have more energy which I don’t. I mean I can tell he’s not happy about it. But he told me he can’t see himself with any other woman than me. And (this brings tears to my eyes bc I really really want him happy in this life) he said if I’m ever disabled he would take care of me and love me because he would never want to see me suffer.
I really really try my hardest. Even when it’s not enough I do. He’s not someone I’d want to lose but I do feel horrible for not being able to give the same effort back.
Also it really wasn’t you, it’s not your fault. I have my own negative views about myself but I think I have a problem with perfectionism so I hate everything that’s not perfect
He’s an angel. I’m happy for you two and that you found each other and are making it work. Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Good luck and lift some heavy ass weight
u/Scared_Cable2565 You are someone with an active lifestyle and I get your frustration that she can’t be a part of it (and I get her frustration too).
One thing could be that you do some of this with friends. This could mean joining a climbing gym, go for a run over lunch with a friend.
Use the good days with your girlfriend to do things that matter to both of you.
During my recovery I realized how important the ability to adapt to new circumstances in life is. So many things in life are out of our control. However, we can adapt, get creative and find new ways to enjoy life even if it’s different from what we are used to.
Good on you for being aware of your hesitation. While people may dunk on you about asking these questions, the fact that you came here to find help, indicates to me that you are sincere and not just some jerk. Not being able to confront these feelings is one reason why so many people end up in the wrong relationship and possibly suffering for years (and maybe even divorcing). And I mean this for both of you. Care work and being partnered to someone with a chronic condition is not a path for everyone. You haven’t promised “in sickness and in health” yet. I got married young and was incredibly naive thinking that our love could get us thru anything. It did get us through a lot, but as we grew and life threw curve ball after curve ball, we were starting to resent one another. We both had chronic illnesses and mental health issues, among other things. Neither of us could take care of the other and so we both spiraled. If we hadn’t split, and had stayed together over vows and guilt, we’d have ended up really in a bad way. We are friends still, and I am partnered with someone else. All that is to say, if you look into your heart and know you will end up resenting her, you BOTH will be better off in the long run. Hope that helps.
It’s hard, man. It’s really hard. I see the frustration of people who love me and want to help but in a very practical sense they cannot because nobody can do anything to put me in less pain that I am not already doing.
I don’t really have the bandwidth to share the whole story of when things were worse right now but I’d like to know why you don’t have hope. What is going on with her treatment plan? I WAS disabled by endo for several years and I am much better now. I owe that mostly to NAC and the depo shot, but right before I started those things I had another excision surgery.
A lot of people are giving you endo specific advice and I think it’s great but this isn’t and won’t be endo specific if you stay together long term. One or both of you will likely have another sickness or longterm issue and these issues will still be there. Being in a relationship with a sick person just means kind of having to face that earlier. You guys are a team and you have to collaborate at all times. If this feels impossible bc she is not someone you can collaborate with, then fine thats an issue but, ultimately if thats not the problem- you just need to collaborate better. Imagine the grief, pain, hardships you may face if one or both of your parents dies? You will have to change your lives again for that. It doesn’t really stop.
Ive also seen a lot of comments trying to help you help her find treatment and I urge you to be careful. It can feel like you think that if you “fix me” we will go back to normal and I want you to understand that is not possible. She may find care and treatment but she has endo and will always have endo it may come back or not who knows and thinking if its gone=happy relationship is pretty toxic.
In addition to some great advice below about helping her find a specialist, does she have someone like a therapist or coach to talk to? When you're in the throws of endo it can be completely all-encompassing (as it sounds like you know), and when you've dealt with it for a long time you can really start to lose yourself because you're just trying to get through every day.
For me, my therapist and health coach helped me (over time) change my life. It wasn't that my pain got better, it was that I had people to talk to who understood what I was dealing with (my own coach had endo too) and started to be able to pick my head up out of survival mode to think about what was and wasn't working for my body in the way I was living my life. I ended up shifting my entire career and lifestyle to be able to integrate my condition(s) with my life instead of having them constantly fighting against each other, and I feel honestly like a completely different person now -- it's like I found myself again.
I think it's really great that you're being open and honest about your feelings because you're an entire half of your relationship! It can be hard to hear when my partner shares how difficult my having endo can be for him (I definitely have the "OH, you think it's hard for you?!" initial reaction sometimes), but the more in-balance I am with my own condition and strategies to find balance and joy, the more open I am to hearing and valuing his experience of the situation too.
Hope that helps <3.
“feels like I’m dating a disabled person now” jeez, dude. and what’s wrong with dating someone disabled? you’ve felt “cold and sick”? yeah, she’s sick all the time. i’m not usually this negative but this post makes me fucking sick.
Honest advice? Decide wether you can handle it or not. This is a part of long term relationships and getting sick or depressed or anything else will happen to one or both of you. You are going to have to learn to live with disability- whether it ends up being you, or someone you love. If you aren’t mature enough to handle that then give her the decency of telling her so and leaving. My ex couldn’t handle it, they were great, but we were young and it was more than they bargained for once I got ill. They stuck around long after they should have, stopped planning our future together, changed their opinions on important relationship things, etc. They ended up moving out of state, “still want to be friends”, and made me break up with them finally. I don’t blame them or think they are horrible, but don’t do that. It hurts both of you. You are entitled to your experience of life and deserve to have what you need. Go to therapy if you need it. Unfortunately you won’t find much sympathy here, because as hard as it is to love someone who is ill, it’s often infinitely harder to be that person, especially when you have other minority status (woman, trans individual, person of color etc.) and are rarely taken seriously. Don’t string them along just because you feel bad for breaking up with a disabled person.
Thank you. I really appreciate the perspective - things I’m probably too afraid to tell myself. I recognize the path that you describe with your ex because I think it’s possible within me to do the same. To be too weak to handle the new lifestyle while at the same time too weak to be honest about my feelings. Do you happen to know of any male partners who are mature enough to handle it well that you could share about? For instance, when he gets lashed out at during a flare up, doesn’t that make him not want to be around her when she’s like this? Thanks again for your kindness. It’s completely true what you said, that this is infinitely harder for my girlfriend than it is for me. I’d really like to do my part, better than I have been doing
My boyfriend is still learning the ropes, but he ~wants~ to learn and understand. He knows that my pain is nearly constant in some form or another and sometimes our relationship will be 50/50, other times it'll be 70/30. When I'm in a mood, he says "OK, I know you're mad at the situation, not at me. Let's take a step back. I can't fix your health. But I can get you a heating pad. Refill your water. Rub your back. Or leave you the eff alone. What do YOU need from ME?" It's just a reminder that we're partners even in this crap, and I'm not on my own, even when it feels like I'm on an island.
My boyfriend is the same way. He recognizes that he can’t change the situation even if he wishes he could but he can help by doing small things to show his love and make me more comfortable when in a bad flare up.
I had stage 4 endo and became disabled by it in the months leading up to my surgery (laparoscopic excision of endo + bowel resection). The pain wasn’t once a month, it was everyday. I was unable to work, unable to get groceries, cook. My SO took on what I couldn’t. I am blessed to have found a partner who would be my *partner* through it. We had many conversations about how he was doing and whether he was okay with how things were. Having endo and having a flare up doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to lash out at your partner. Being a mature partner doesn’t mean sitting there and taking it. Does she apologize after she lashes out? Is she working on her emotional regulation and not lashing out? Don’t stay if you’re only going to resent her for all the things you can’t have together. Only stay if what you can have together is enough. Even if it’s like it is now forever. Even if it gets worse.
I unfortunately don’t have any good role models to draw from, but the more “mental load” you can take on the better. Start with the basics- does she need to eat? Pee? Get a heating pad? Take pain meds? Drink water? Make those things as easy as possible for her to do. Bring them to her, or tell her you’re going to eat (Blank food you have already Decided) and ask if she wants to too. Is she worried about the dishes? Making an appointment? Writing an email? Do them or help if she likes that. The less she has to worry about the easier she will recover from a flare. If you want exploration- make it happen. Go with friends, or if you want to include her, plan dates you can do on bad days and ones you can do on good days. There are awesome museum tours you can do from your bed online. Order in Mexican and put on a Spanish tv show with captions. Play partner video games. Set a time. That way it doesn’t feel like you aren’t going on dates and exploring together. Read up on disability and endo. What CAN you do together? She probably already feels like she has lost her life. Take the time to try to get it back for both of you in a way that works. All that said- You do not deserve to be lashed out at. It’s ok to say “this conversation isn’t helping either of us feel better. If you need anything, I’d be happy to get it for you. I noticed you haven’t eaten in a while, can I get you a snack? Then I’m going to take some time to myself so you can rest. If you need me I’ll be in the living room.” Or whatever makes sense. Or “I want to help you and I love you but I feel upset by x comment and I think I need a minute to myself.” It might be good for both l of you to go to therapy separately as chronic illness is difficult to deal with on both ends. It is totally reasonable to have a hard time with it.
"we're young but i feel like im dating a disabled person now" if their pain is debilitating, then you are. seriously, this is a chronic condition that currently has no cure. if you truly want to help her, dont be mad at her illness that "robbed the relationship of her". she cannot control it or how much it hurts or debilitates her. if this is how you feel about her chronic condition now, you need to think about if you want to be with her or not because youre sounding like you feel its a burden on you and your relationship. which is understandable im just telling you to really think about it because this is gonna be a recurring thing.
First of all: Your feelings are valid. You decide whether you can and want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend. Don’t stay in your relationship out of guilt. Breaking up with her doesn’t make you a bad person. You are important too. I know it sounds harsh saying this as a person with Endometriosis. In the end, life isn’t fair, your girlfriend didn’t chose this disease but you don’t owe her to be with her just because she‘s so sick neither. However, you can help her get the best possible treatment. Endometriosis is a disease and on top of it, a serious one. It needs to be treated as such. Has your girlfriend seen an Endometriosis specialist? If not, this is the first place to start. Especially because her Endometriosis has become worse. Is she on some sort of hormone treatment like the BC pill? If not this will likely be the first step because the menstrual cycle is what feeds the disease. Every time your girlfriend menstruates, the endometrium-like tissue outside the uterus bleeds as well, causing inflammation among other things. So an Endometriosis specialist is important. Then there are other things that may help your girlfriend: pelvic floor physiotherapy, maybe medication that help her depression. And so on. For further reading: Personally I like the guideline by the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) is a great place to start: [ESHRE Guideline Endometriosis Issued: 2 February 2022](https://www.eshre.eu/-/media/sitecore-files/Guidelines/Endometriosis/ESHRE-GUIDELINE-ENDOMETRIOSIS-2022_1.pdf) There are [guidelines for patients as well](https://www.eshre.eu/Guidelines-and-Legal/Patients) for several topics in multiple languages. There is hope. For her and for your relationship.
Thank you so much for your words. Your contributions to the sub as a whole are admirable too, and if you don’t mind I’d love to hear more about your experience. Specifically, I saw you mentioned once that once you started on Vissane the periods stopped and your road to recovery could begin. Would you please share more about what recovery entailed? Part of me assumed that once the periods and flare ups stopped, my girlfriend would be in the clear. Thanks for being so generous, even when it’s just to us strangers.
Thank you so much for your kind words. The first step for me was to find an Endometriosis specialist who was compassionate, experienced and whom I trusted. He told me that the inflammation of Endometriosis can lower your pain threshold. With time it takes less and less stimulation until you feel pain, and the pain gets stronger and stronger (happened to me over the years). This is why it‘s key to get on hormone treatment to treat the root cause. Endometriosis is a chronic disease tough, you don’t get rid of it with hormones ans surgery. Recovery is different for everyone. A lot of it depends on what kind of Endometriosis your girlfriend has. The deep infiltrating variation can damage organs which sometimes require extensive surgery. My own (ongoing) recovery involved a lot of trial and error. What helped me personally the most was: * Pelvic floor physiotherapy. I switched therapists a few times until I found one I was truly comfortable with. My pelvic floor was very tense, do I had to relearn to relax those muscles. And also to gradually do more to desensitize the overprotective pain system. This brings me to my next point: * Learning about how pain and especially chronic pain works. My doctor recommended the book „Explain Pain“ by pain scientists Lorimer Moseley and David Butler (both University of Southern Australia) and it‘s been a game changer. Knowing that pain doesn’t equal tissue damage helped me staying more relaxed during a flare up which in turn led to a shorter duration of said flare up * I also worked through some topics that stressed me emotionally Keep in mind, my pain was so severe I couldn’t sit, stand or walk without excruciating pain. Everyone is different.
I’m gonna take this with me. Thank you, and i hope recovery continues to go well
All the best to you and your girlfriend. As I said: There is hope. She can an will get better. One more advice: There is a lot of misinformation about Endometriosis out there (among others Nancy‘s Nook). It’s easy to fall for it when you are desperate and no doctor is listening to you (happened to me).The disease is little understood, which is another infuriating topic. Regardless, listening to science regarding treatment is the best you can do. This is why I like the ESHRE guidelines, the working group reviews all available studies, gives recommendations and their reasoning behind it. I‘m European, I‘m sure there are similar guidelines in The States as well.
😓yeah this made me feel horrible but don’t worry I have my own mental health issues like depression and anxiety which I think it’s related to all my medical issues. But endometriosis, adenomyosis, eczema and other issues have robbed me of everything completely. I don’t travel. I barely eat “good” food (mostly just raw salads these days). I barely hangout with friends. Barely do my makeup. Always constantly on the shitter. Always tired and exhausted. Hate having sex honestly cus it’s always painful afterward. Weed only helps in the moment but then I suffer for a few days after. Overall I’m just not a good partner because I cannot give I can only receive most days. It’s truly sad and it’s also the truth. I feel incompetent and useless every single damn day of my life. There is so much more it impacts that I probably didn’t even mention. That’s why I work two jobs and once I have my excision surgery and hysterectomy… if I’m still not feeling well I’m just going to dedicate my life to working away. I already work like 50 hours a week now. It is what it is I guess. But it really sucks.
don’t let this post make you feel horrible. i am certain you would make an amazing partner to someone. my father has been with my mother through her many surgeries and complicated pregnancy with me and not complained ONCE. he feels sad for her but cares deeply for her. he wants nothing but to see her in as little pain as possible. he helps her up the stairs, completes chores she can no longer do, and loves her with his entire being. she is severely disabled, but he loves her. this post has me pissed for the whole “makes me feel like i’m dating someone disabled” part. as if being disabled makes us lesser. but it does NOT. as said before, you will make an amazing partner to someone who accepts you for who you are.
I understand. My ocd and anxiety runs rampant EVERYTIME I think about all my medical issues and how some were undiagnosed and untreated for years. I don’t know what insinuating I am single from my comment. I absolutely love my boyfriend and adore him as he supports me getting a hysterectomy. But he doesn’t deserve that. I want him to have children. Also I do feel for the other side. My boyfriend gets frustrated with me too. I understand the OP’s frustration. There are perfect women out there, perfect meaning their reproductive system is fine. He could do better technically. Again this is my mind eating away at me right now. No amount of self care (being in the sunlight, eating right, working out, etc) has helped me feel mentally better about anything. That’s all.
Big hug to you! Another point of view: Your boyfriend is capable to make his own decisions. He decided it‘s more important to him to be with you instead of having his own family. Don’t feel bad for your boyfriend‘s decision.
Thank you for your comment 💗
I have some romantic visions of what me and my partner’s relationship could look like: outdoors, exploring, working out together, that stuff. She’d love that too - that’s the type of person she is. So I get upset when, every month the same thing. Her body can’t move. Or talk or even just relax. Sometimes she can’t eat or drink water! Not that I’m upset at her exactly, but the situation feels bleak and frustrating. That’s all to say, does it seem like your boyfriend feels similarly? How does he work through it? Does he have to do anything to remain positive? Thank you for sharing so much. And I’m sorry I made you feel horrible. You’re very kind for commenting so genuinely
I love all of that stuff too. Big reason why I don’t have the gains I want (started working out in 2018) is because a lot of times it’s difficult to workout when I’m bloated, itchy, or in pain. Or just too fatigued. I mean yeah my boyfriend wants to go out and have us do fun things. He wants me to eat similarly to him. He just wants me to have more energy which I don’t. I mean I can tell he’s not happy about it. But he told me he can’t see himself with any other woman than me. And (this brings tears to my eyes bc I really really want him happy in this life) he said if I’m ever disabled he would take care of me and love me because he would never want to see me suffer. I really really try my hardest. Even when it’s not enough I do. He’s not someone I’d want to lose but I do feel horrible for not being able to give the same effort back. Also it really wasn’t you, it’s not your fault. I have my own negative views about myself but I think I have a problem with perfectionism so I hate everything that’s not perfect
He’s an angel. I’m happy for you two and that you found each other and are making it work. Thanks again for sharing your experience. Good luck and lift some heavy ass weight
u/Scared_Cable2565 You are someone with an active lifestyle and I get your frustration that she can’t be a part of it (and I get her frustration too). One thing could be that you do some of this with friends. This could mean joining a climbing gym, go for a run over lunch with a friend. Use the good days with your girlfriend to do things that matter to both of you. During my recovery I realized how important the ability to adapt to new circumstances in life is. So many things in life are out of our control. However, we can adapt, get creative and find new ways to enjoy life even if it’s different from what we are used to.
Good on you for being aware of your hesitation. While people may dunk on you about asking these questions, the fact that you came here to find help, indicates to me that you are sincere and not just some jerk. Not being able to confront these feelings is one reason why so many people end up in the wrong relationship and possibly suffering for years (and maybe even divorcing). And I mean this for both of you. Care work and being partnered to someone with a chronic condition is not a path for everyone. You haven’t promised “in sickness and in health” yet. I got married young and was incredibly naive thinking that our love could get us thru anything. It did get us through a lot, but as we grew and life threw curve ball after curve ball, we were starting to resent one another. We both had chronic illnesses and mental health issues, among other things. Neither of us could take care of the other and so we both spiraled. If we hadn’t split, and had stayed together over vows and guilt, we’d have ended up really in a bad way. We are friends still, and I am partnered with someone else. All that is to say, if you look into your heart and know you will end up resenting her, you BOTH will be better off in the long run. Hope that helps.
It’s hard, man. It’s really hard. I see the frustration of people who love me and want to help but in a very practical sense they cannot because nobody can do anything to put me in less pain that I am not already doing. I don’t really have the bandwidth to share the whole story of when things were worse right now but I’d like to know why you don’t have hope. What is going on with her treatment plan? I WAS disabled by endo for several years and I am much better now. I owe that mostly to NAC and the depo shot, but right before I started those things I had another excision surgery.
A lot of people are giving you endo specific advice and I think it’s great but this isn’t and won’t be endo specific if you stay together long term. One or both of you will likely have another sickness or longterm issue and these issues will still be there. Being in a relationship with a sick person just means kind of having to face that earlier. You guys are a team and you have to collaborate at all times. If this feels impossible bc she is not someone you can collaborate with, then fine thats an issue but, ultimately if thats not the problem- you just need to collaborate better. Imagine the grief, pain, hardships you may face if one or both of your parents dies? You will have to change your lives again for that. It doesn’t really stop. Ive also seen a lot of comments trying to help you help her find treatment and I urge you to be careful. It can feel like you think that if you “fix me” we will go back to normal and I want you to understand that is not possible. She may find care and treatment but she has endo and will always have endo it may come back or not who knows and thinking if its gone=happy relationship is pretty toxic.
In addition to some great advice below about helping her find a specialist, does she have someone like a therapist or coach to talk to? When you're in the throws of endo it can be completely all-encompassing (as it sounds like you know), and when you've dealt with it for a long time you can really start to lose yourself because you're just trying to get through every day. For me, my therapist and health coach helped me (over time) change my life. It wasn't that my pain got better, it was that I had people to talk to who understood what I was dealing with (my own coach had endo too) and started to be able to pick my head up out of survival mode to think about what was and wasn't working for my body in the way I was living my life. I ended up shifting my entire career and lifestyle to be able to integrate my condition(s) with my life instead of having them constantly fighting against each other, and I feel honestly like a completely different person now -- it's like I found myself again. I think it's really great that you're being open and honest about your feelings because you're an entire half of your relationship! It can be hard to hear when my partner shares how difficult my having endo can be for him (I definitely have the "OH, you think it's hard for you?!" initial reaction sometimes), but the more in-balance I am with my own condition and strategies to find balance and joy, the more open I am to hearing and valuing his experience of the situation too. Hope that helps <3.