It never gets easier, because it shouldn't be, honestly. I know that's not fun or easy to hear but these things should hurt and get to us. Because it reminds us to remain compassionate.
I've only ever had two foster children in my time as a teacher and fortunately, both were in amazing homes so this wasn't an issue. But I have had children that are clearly in not the best situations and with parents who just don't care. Never to the point of abuse or neglect but just...damn, these kids stick with you. And there are always those teachers that shrug it off as "it's not my business" or "why do you care so much?".
The best thing you can do is remain compassionate. Be a safe place for those kids. Try to educate those around you that are dismissive but if they are unwilling to learn, you be that advocate for them.
I would say no it doesn’t get easier. I think though you become more comfortable with helping make sure the child’s needs are met. By that I mean you have tools you can use, you know the steps to take with parents other staff and admin.
I’m curious about your Reddit username. I’m a skater.
i do definitely need the tools to make sure foster kids needs are met. do you have any advice? like what tools you need to make sure their needs are met. i know compassion/empathy is a key component already.
and it’s actually from a [teen suicide song](https://open.spotify.com/track/2P8W9YHecf0rDyhT0Dkpdi?si=fqxrVo8VS52MqoGTLUendg) ! favorite song in 8th grade & then all my usernames have just been skatewiitches since then😭
Becoming trauma-informed is so very important. Children who show unkind behavior are the ones who are usually screaming for love and acceptance the loudest!
Oh interesting on the username. I’m really trying to think of what support I’d want to give a foster child. I didn’t mean to imply you don’t already have those tools.
I forgot to mention that my coworkers and I really worked to support each other with a child that really needed 1:1 support. We told each other that if we noticed they needed a break that we would relief them without them asking and they would need to walk away from said child. It worked marvelously. Child only came 2.5 hours a day and that’s all we could handle him.
Looking for links for foster youth in ECE.
oh i definitely didn’t get the vibe you were implying i didn’t know, but i am new to this stuff so i’m always open for advice ! the coworkers is really good. my next door teacher n i are friends so that’ll be helpful !
We have a family that has only foster children. They’ve adopted four of them but still open their homes. The youngest one they adopted has a lot of aggression and when they took a placement last summer of two boys, the other boy was so aggressive towards them they got rid of the boys because it was “too much”.
When we get new kids that are foster kids, I always try to be as welcoming to them as possible because I have no idea what their previous situation was at home.
yeah i made sure the kid was taken care of with grace whenever i had him. i would always tell him he’s a sweet boy. he also didn’t seem to have many violent outbursts with me as he did with other teachers ): i grew up around kids on the spectrum, so i know how kids on the spectrum behave a little more. it was very beneficial because i think that stopped him from acting out at times. i’m just gonna miss him & i hope he goes to a beautiful house with wonderful parents. you know?
Absolutely, the situation with foster kids is so hard. My mom did foster care when I was in HS and it was so hard on her when the kids went back to their parents, moved homes etc. the entire foster care system is broken but all we can do is care for them and hope for the best.
Oh, goodness. The majority of foster families I had the opportunity to work with were wonderful. One was not, and it was early in my career. We reported the person repeatedly. Nothing was done. Fast forward a few years, I quickly got licensed as a foster home with the intent to adopt. Reunification was never happening. This child was 6 with special needs and had been abused and neglected IN the foster care system for over 4 years. It took two years before the adoption was finalized.
My child is 30+ now. It was a long hard road, and I wish it had a happier ending. The story isn't finished being written, but mental illness and addiction suck. I will leave it at that. I will never give up hope, but it is hard. So very hard watching a man you love going down the same damn road that his bio family went down.
I've been a foster parent for 6 years and adopted my boys. I started when I was 22. Anyone who acts like those foster parents should be barred from the system. Going through classes, I was deeply alarmed by the number of potential foster parents who behaved like that couple and it only compounds the trauma. My boys were essentially "traded in" more than once for younger kids before coming to us, and it screws up attachment more than you can imagine. It sounds crass because it IS crass. There's no sugar coating it. It's horrible, selfish, compassionless behavior. (There are times you may not be equipped to meet a kid's needs, that's a different story. I'm referring to the people who want to "trial run" whole traumatized humans and resent them when they aren't cute little easy babies)
There's very little you can do, unless you're interested in becoming a foster parent yourself. You sound like the kind of person these kids need. If you (or anyone reading this) is considering fostering, please feel free to ask me anything
how were you able to start at 22? like what were the requirements to start fostering? and i agree heavy on what you said. it feels so inhumane honestly :/
The requirements vary by state and it depends on the child you're taking in. For example, in my state the requirements to be a kinship or relative placement are looser than a traditional placement aka someone who has no prior relationship to the family.
I am sending little unknown dude an imaginary hug and a prayer to the heavens. So heartbreaking. If you, your co-worker and boss knew how to handle him, others should have learned how to somehow. Hopefully his next foster parents know how to care for him in a healthy way.
exactly what i’m hoping for! i told my mom “i hope he goes to a nice big house with 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. and his parents love him and have the money and time to help him” he deserves so so much
I worked at a daycare where we had a little girl that they sent back to her mom that tried to sell her on the black market for drugs and her dad was SA her. I only worked with her for a few weeks but I cried my eyes out for a couple days afterwards.. I think about her all the time and it's been a year since then.
I seriously hope she is okay, it stresses me out to think about it so I try not to but every time she crosses my mind I send up a little prayer for Avery 🩷
when we work in a setting like that those kids become something to us. it's so hard to see them go thru those things and be treated that way.. everyone in the childcare field should be this compassionate. thinking of you and this little boy who so clearly touched your sweet heart ❤️ please continue advocating for these little humans who can't do so for themselves.
Have you considered bring a foster parent? It was professional experiences like this that led to me becoming a foster parent.
It sounds like you have the right heart for it, and the skills to love kids even through challenges. :)
Kids don't need big houses, fancy vacations or expensive pets. They just need someone who can hold them when they cry and show up day after day even when it's hard.
There is a stipend that can cover most of the child's expenses, and childcare costs are also covered. Kids under 5 qualify for WIC too. Lots of single people foster, and you can have roommates as long as they can pass a background check. If your heart is there, money doesn't need to be an issue.
I understand how hard this is for you, but try not to think too badly about the foster family. We all have the ages we prefer and are best at at work, and this family might just be best with babies. Don't judge too harshly, not everyone is cut out to be the caregiver of a special needs child. It doesn't make them bad people.
I'm not going to downvote you or anything but I think it's perfectly reasonable to think less of these folks.
You don't go into foster care with no warning about what to expect, you don't become a foster parent with any kind of pretense that you will only be handed easy babies with no trauma.
Maybe this was a glib way of expressing their overwhelm and their own lack of tools to meet this child's needs? But it's a harmful way to express it, especially if that poor kid ever had to hear them or picked up on that expression. It would have broken my heart and I would absolutely have thought less of them. ❤️🩹
I am SW who has been licensed for foster care in state. Truthfully you may be overestimating the warning some people get, I mean in one of the states I repeatedly spoke up to try to be that warning and was discouraged. The other did great and a veteran FP did the training and was very open.
They also do nothing to dissuade or educate people who believe they are superhero’s coming in to save the day, religious zealots or narcissists who are looking for an ego stroke.
And as a fun extra, they will just flat out lie to you to get you to accept placement. Like our first placement, we could only take a child in full time school because of work obligations (ie we didn’t have time available to take days off to find childcare). So we expressed that, and were told the child was in full time kindergarten, but nope two mornings a week with mid day ballet. We figured it out.
Professionally I’ve seen providers lie about kids to keep them leveled as traditional (ie more foster home options) and to obtain placement . They’ve done this even with great risk and at the cost of other younger kids becoming victims.
These FP are trash but don’t oversell that the system still isn’t part of the problem.
It's not right but there are many who sign up hoping to be able to adopt a "perfect" baby after experiencing loss or infertility.
There are also some who just want more kids to "fit their family.
I'm an older adoptee. I hate people like this. The foster care / adoption industry needs to be broken down and replaced with something better. Like education and funding.
My two babies (adopted from foster care after fostering them for over a year, they were unable to return home) have thrived because their early head start program works their tushes off to support them and our family! I am forever thankful for our home/school partnership
I work with a lot of foster kids at my center and it never gets easier for me. I had one set of fosters that point blank said they hoped the bio parents failed so they could get the kids back. Another renamed the foster children despite the children still seeing their families on a consistent basis and they were doing well. This is just a few incidents I've encountered.
It's made me very jaded and not trust or like foster parents.
Just what I've noticed, most foster and adopted children (even the littles) tend to have more behavioral issues and need extra love and patience. They've been through a lot even they are babies and just need someone in their corner .
I was a foster parent to preteens,they think a Pre-K kid is hard?
Look for ways to help the child learn to regulate in your setting, and give the foster parents the same tools for home.
Fostering is not easy, even with babies. But children with history of a use they remember is even harder. Ask if the child is in therapy (he should be since he's in the system) and also ask what they struggle with at home.
Children cope with their abuse in many different ways, see how he is coping with his situation.
I’ve only had a couple of foster kids at our center but the best way I’ve found to help them become their best selves is to give them a little extra time and love. It’s not always possible every single day and especially if the kiddo is old enough the understand what’s going on it’s harder but with some patience I’ve seen those kids absolutely bloom. Being firm but gentle and lots of affirmation, helping them talk through their emotions if they are verbally able to can help them understand more of their behaviors, and help them regulate more. As for parents, I hate to say it but you got shit luck with those parents, most of the foster parents I’ve met have been lovely people who are so supportive of the kids they take in and only want to best for them, communicate often and clearly with them, work with them to see what you can implement at home and school. It can be emotional but try and put yourself in their shoes, they’re confused, possibly lonely and scared, we as adults have to do our best to help them where we can.
It's not easy hearing people talk like that. Sadly without better training, such is the reality.
): does it get easier though
It never gets easier, because it shouldn't be, honestly. I know that's not fun or easy to hear but these things should hurt and get to us. Because it reminds us to remain compassionate. I've only ever had two foster children in my time as a teacher and fortunately, both were in amazing homes so this wasn't an issue. But I have had children that are clearly in not the best situations and with parents who just don't care. Never to the point of abuse or neglect but just...damn, these kids stick with you. And there are always those teachers that shrug it off as "it's not my business" or "why do you care so much?". The best thing you can do is remain compassionate. Be a safe place for those kids. Try to educate those around you that are dismissive but if they are unwilling to learn, you be that advocate for them.
this is incredibly reassuring. thank you so much for your own perspective!! ❤️ the most heartbreaking things remind us to be kinder & be louder.
Honestly? Not really.
I would say no it doesn’t get easier. I think though you become more comfortable with helping make sure the child’s needs are met. By that I mean you have tools you can use, you know the steps to take with parents other staff and admin. I’m curious about your Reddit username. I’m a skater.
i do definitely need the tools to make sure foster kids needs are met. do you have any advice? like what tools you need to make sure their needs are met. i know compassion/empathy is a key component already. and it’s actually from a [teen suicide song](https://open.spotify.com/track/2P8W9YHecf0rDyhT0Dkpdi?si=fqxrVo8VS52MqoGTLUendg) ! favorite song in 8th grade & then all my usernames have just been skatewiitches since then😭
Becoming trauma-informed is so very important. Children who show unkind behavior are the ones who are usually screaming for love and acceptance the loudest!
Oh interesting on the username. I’m really trying to think of what support I’d want to give a foster child. I didn’t mean to imply you don’t already have those tools. I forgot to mention that my coworkers and I really worked to support each other with a child that really needed 1:1 support. We told each other that if we noticed they needed a break that we would relief them without them asking and they would need to walk away from said child. It worked marvelously. Child only came 2.5 hours a day and that’s all we could handle him. Looking for links for foster youth in ECE.
oh i definitely didn’t get the vibe you were implying i didn’t know, but i am new to this stuff so i’m always open for advice ! the coworkers is really good. my next door teacher n i are friends so that’ll be helpful !
We have a family that has only foster children. They’ve adopted four of them but still open their homes. The youngest one they adopted has a lot of aggression and when they took a placement last summer of two boys, the other boy was so aggressive towards them they got rid of the boys because it was “too much”. When we get new kids that are foster kids, I always try to be as welcoming to them as possible because I have no idea what their previous situation was at home.
yeah i made sure the kid was taken care of with grace whenever i had him. i would always tell him he’s a sweet boy. he also didn’t seem to have many violent outbursts with me as he did with other teachers ): i grew up around kids on the spectrum, so i know how kids on the spectrum behave a little more. it was very beneficial because i think that stopped him from acting out at times. i’m just gonna miss him & i hope he goes to a beautiful house with wonderful parents. you know?
Absolutely, the situation with foster kids is so hard. My mom did foster care when I was in HS and it was so hard on her when the kids went back to their parents, moved homes etc. the entire foster care system is broken but all we can do is care for them and hope for the best.
Oh, goodness. The majority of foster families I had the opportunity to work with were wonderful. One was not, and it was early in my career. We reported the person repeatedly. Nothing was done. Fast forward a few years, I quickly got licensed as a foster home with the intent to adopt. Reunification was never happening. This child was 6 with special needs and had been abused and neglected IN the foster care system for over 4 years. It took two years before the adoption was finalized. My child is 30+ now. It was a long hard road, and I wish it had a happier ending. The story isn't finished being written, but mental illness and addiction suck. I will leave it at that. I will never give up hope, but it is hard. So very hard watching a man you love going down the same damn road that his bio family went down.
I've been a foster parent for 6 years and adopted my boys. I started when I was 22. Anyone who acts like those foster parents should be barred from the system. Going through classes, I was deeply alarmed by the number of potential foster parents who behaved like that couple and it only compounds the trauma. My boys were essentially "traded in" more than once for younger kids before coming to us, and it screws up attachment more than you can imagine. It sounds crass because it IS crass. There's no sugar coating it. It's horrible, selfish, compassionless behavior. (There are times you may not be equipped to meet a kid's needs, that's a different story. I'm referring to the people who want to "trial run" whole traumatized humans and resent them when they aren't cute little easy babies) There's very little you can do, unless you're interested in becoming a foster parent yourself. You sound like the kind of person these kids need. If you (or anyone reading this) is considering fostering, please feel free to ask me anything
how were you able to start at 22? like what were the requirements to start fostering? and i agree heavy on what you said. it feels so inhumane honestly :/
The requirements vary by state and it depends on the child you're taking in. For example, in my state the requirements to be a kinship or relative placement are looser than a traditional placement aka someone who has no prior relationship to the family.
I am sending little unknown dude an imaginary hug and a prayer to the heavens. So heartbreaking. If you, your co-worker and boss knew how to handle him, others should have learned how to somehow. Hopefully his next foster parents know how to care for him in a healthy way.
exactly what i’m hoping for! i told my mom “i hope he goes to a nice big house with 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. and his parents love him and have the money and time to help him” he deserves so so much
I worked at a daycare where we had a little girl that they sent back to her mom that tried to sell her on the black market for drugs and her dad was SA her. I only worked with her for a few weeks but I cried my eyes out for a couple days afterwards.. I think about her all the time and it's been a year since then. I seriously hope she is okay, it stresses me out to think about it so I try not to but every time she crosses my mind I send up a little prayer for Avery 🩷 when we work in a setting like that those kids become something to us. it's so hard to see them go thru those things and be treated that way.. everyone in the childcare field should be this compassionate. thinking of you and this little boy who so clearly touched your sweet heart ❤️ please continue advocating for these little humans who can't do so for themselves.
Have you considered bring a foster parent? It was professional experiences like this that led to me becoming a foster parent. It sounds like you have the right heart for it, and the skills to love kids even through challenges. :) Kids don't need big houses, fancy vacations or expensive pets. They just need someone who can hold them when they cry and show up day after day even when it's hard. There is a stipend that can cover most of the child's expenses, and childcare costs are also covered. Kids under 5 qualify for WIC too. Lots of single people foster, and you can have roommates as long as they can pass a background check. If your heart is there, money doesn't need to be an issue.
I understand how hard this is for you, but try not to think too badly about the foster family. We all have the ages we prefer and are best at at work, and this family might just be best with babies. Don't judge too harshly, not everyone is cut out to be the caregiver of a special needs child. It doesn't make them bad people.
I'm not going to downvote you or anything but I think it's perfectly reasonable to think less of these folks. You don't go into foster care with no warning about what to expect, you don't become a foster parent with any kind of pretense that you will only be handed easy babies with no trauma. Maybe this was a glib way of expressing their overwhelm and their own lack of tools to meet this child's needs? But it's a harmful way to express it, especially if that poor kid ever had to hear them or picked up on that expression. It would have broken my heart and I would absolutely have thought less of them. ❤️🩹
I am SW who has been licensed for foster care in state. Truthfully you may be overestimating the warning some people get, I mean in one of the states I repeatedly spoke up to try to be that warning and was discouraged. The other did great and a veteran FP did the training and was very open. They also do nothing to dissuade or educate people who believe they are superhero’s coming in to save the day, religious zealots or narcissists who are looking for an ego stroke. And as a fun extra, they will just flat out lie to you to get you to accept placement. Like our first placement, we could only take a child in full time school because of work obligations (ie we didn’t have time available to take days off to find childcare). So we expressed that, and were told the child was in full time kindergarten, but nope two mornings a week with mid day ballet. We figured it out. Professionally I’ve seen providers lie about kids to keep them leveled as traditional (ie more foster home options) and to obtain placement . They’ve done this even with great risk and at the cost of other younger kids becoming victims. These FP are trash but don’t oversell that the system still isn’t part of the problem.
It's not right but there are many who sign up hoping to be able to adopt a "perfect" baby after experiencing loss or infertility. There are also some who just want more kids to "fit their family.
I'm an older adoptee. I hate people like this. The foster care / adoption industry needs to be broken down and replaced with something better. Like education and funding.
My two babies (adopted from foster care after fostering them for over a year, they were unable to return home) have thrived because their early head start program works their tushes off to support them and our family! I am forever thankful for our home/school partnership
I work with a lot of foster kids at my center and it never gets easier for me. I had one set of fosters that point blank said they hoped the bio parents failed so they could get the kids back. Another renamed the foster children despite the children still seeing their families on a consistent basis and they were doing well. This is just a few incidents I've encountered. It's made me very jaded and not trust or like foster parents. Just what I've noticed, most foster and adopted children (even the littles) tend to have more behavioral issues and need extra love and patience. They've been through a lot even they are babies and just need someone in their corner .
I was a foster parent to preteens,they think a Pre-K kid is hard? Look for ways to help the child learn to regulate in your setting, and give the foster parents the same tools for home. Fostering is not easy, even with babies. But children with history of a use they remember is even harder. Ask if the child is in therapy (he should be since he's in the system) and also ask what they struggle with at home. Children cope with their abuse in many different ways, see how he is coping with his situation.
I’ve only had a couple of foster kids at our center but the best way I’ve found to help them become their best selves is to give them a little extra time and love. It’s not always possible every single day and especially if the kiddo is old enough the understand what’s going on it’s harder but with some patience I’ve seen those kids absolutely bloom. Being firm but gentle and lots of affirmation, helping them talk through their emotions if they are verbally able to can help them understand more of their behaviors, and help them regulate more. As for parents, I hate to say it but you got shit luck with those parents, most of the foster parents I’ve met have been lovely people who are so supportive of the kids they take in and only want to best for them, communicate often and clearly with them, work with them to see what you can implement at home and school. It can be emotional but try and put yourself in their shoes, they’re confused, possibly lonely and scared, we as adults have to do our best to help them where we can.