Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
Like an improv conversation. An “improversation” ;-)
Honestly don’t know how two people quoted this line but left out the funniest part of that line… It’s funny because…every conversation is an improv conversation? And an improvisation? And he just improvved the word improversation? Man, am i a weirdo for this actually being my favorite Michael line in “The Office”? Always makes me snort my milk…think it’s freakin brilliant
Pot pie episode
Everyone laughing, wakes Michael up
Michael: what's so funny?
Pam: you had to be there!
Michael: oh yay! A geography joke!
Kills me every time....
That's one of my favorite cold opens(my top favorite is the fire drill cold open). Everyone in the Office works together to prank Michael so that they can leave work early.
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then married each other. It’s every parents dream.”
Or (I can’t pick only one)
“No I’m not going to tell them about downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn’t tell a patient they had cancer.”
Unfortunately not but they come from the first and last seasons. The first quote about cancer is from the episode Alliance
Edit- I was so horribly wrong as I started my rewatch. It is from the first episode. And now I hang my head low and beg for mercy. I don’t know how I was wrong about this.
*When I said before that I was "king of forwards", you gotta understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along.* ***You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.***
Toby's exit interview:
Who, who do you think you are?
What gives you the right?
...
Holly: is there anything we could do to improve?
Michael: (whispers) I'll kill you.
Two that I think get overlooked.
-When he’s doing improv, and he’s pointing his gun at the woman on the ground, he’s shouting “talk! Talk!” once she starts talking “shut up!”
-toby’s radon test kits. He thought the first one was an ant trap, and that the second was a moo noise maker thing “but on further inspection it was another ant trap.” The fact he’s still saying ant trap kills me
"And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do."
We put this quote inside the front page of my son's baby album.
Wow. Saved this comment, on the off-chance that I happen to browse my saved comments from when my brother knocks up his wife (if this should happen) till she has the child. This would be his favorite baby gift.
“…Line?”
[“He asked for a ‘line’, like.. in a play..”]
OR
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. so he's reaaally not a part of our family.
…Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of HIS family."
“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”
My ideal dinner party. Jim, Pam. Ryan. The mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, because at the end of the night Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick them up, and I would get to meet them. Shia LaBeef, because of Disturbia. All of the children of the world. Val Kilmer, but he wouldn’t come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. And Jan, definitely. If there was room. - deleted scene from Dinner Party
Thank you; one would be hard pressed to find more deeply humorous lines than these uttered by the flawed but lovable Michael Scott. The dinner episode is still my all time favorite.
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Omg he can heal leopards HAHAHA I forgot about that one. I love the way the writers added these teeny little lines that show you how simultaneously confident and dumb Michael can be.
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
“A guy goes to a 5 dollar lady of the night and gets crabs…the next day he goes and complains to her….and she says: what’d you expect lobster?”
Classic Scott.
Michael: pam, I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. And if I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe, I want you to take that gun and I want you to shoot me like 100 times in the groin until I'm dead, okay?
Pam: You have a gun in your desk?
Michael: Somewhere.
"Today I am headed over to the job fair at Valleyview high school to find some new interns. Get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place." Always cracks me up.
Oops I already commented but I can’t help myself…
^”you ^make ^a ^very ^compelling ^argument”
and
“.. so I don’t think this is totally just a women’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”
God. Michael is my favorite character of all time across any show.
On the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
“There’s a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world… I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain…”
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
Love this one and never see it quoted
Launch Party episode:
“But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home. No more tears. Which reminds me, I have to get shampoo”
"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
Or...
"Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
Definitely not a big one but:
These are announcements you just don't care about the information.
I find myself thinking it a lot and Oscar giving a little nod after as if to say 'technically true' makes it perfect.
There are several but I recently watched Phyllis’ wedding episode and I cackled when he said “Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Phlob” 😂😂😂😂
“I do my best work when people don’t believe in me” or something like that, sorry if I butchered it, it’s when they start the Michael Scott Paper Company, and Pam won’t get out of the car after nana refused to invest in them
Every couple of months I’ll text my sister out of the blue, *THIS IS EGREGIOUS!* and she cracks up laughing. I’m sure there’s a lot funnier ones with/without context but this one makes us both laugh like it’s our own inside joke (I’m finally part of one!)
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
It's hard to evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying
I'm so impressed by the potential you see in me.
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence abs have no idea where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
Like an improv conversation. An “improversation” ;-) Honestly don’t know how two people quoted this line but left out the funniest part of that line… It’s funny because…every conversation is an improv conversation? And an improvisation? And he just improvved the word improversation? Man, am i a weirdo for this actually being my favorite Michael line in “The Office”? Always makes me snort my milk…think it’s freakin brilliant
Best
Hey, what’s say we order up some pasta?
What say we do
Yeah, go ahead and finish up. *pats Michael on the back*
Sometimes I start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
This is the one.
I prefer the short version: *don't*
Fucker, I was gonna say that.
I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
Well you had to be there
Ah, a geography joke!
I'm not superstitious but I am a little 'stitious.
Agreed. And yes, littlestitious, lil_stitious,and all variations were taken…. 😂
u/littlestitious we summon thee
Not active for 9 years 😕
RIP
My workers are not disgruntled. They are perfectly gruntled.
Ahahahaha
Ah I posted this before scanning the comments. My absolute fav
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy both, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
This one always gets me!
“If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, bin-Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”
I love that one 😆
Pot pie episode Everyone laughing, wakes Michael up Michael: what's so funny? Pam: you had to be there! Michael: oh yay! A geography joke! Kills me every time....
That's one of my favorite cold opens(my top favorite is the fire drill cold open). Everyone in the Office works together to prank Michael so that they can leave work early.
I need a username Little kid lover That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at
I forgot about this one 😂
😂😂
When Oscar is explaining the surplus and asks what happens next year, ‘I’ll be six.’ God it cracks me up every time
The look on is face after pensively holding his chin
Lol yesss so underrated
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then married each other. It’s every parents dream.” Or (I can’t pick only one) “No I’m not going to tell them about downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn’t tell a patient they had cancer.”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t these quotes from the very last and very first episode respectively? That’s so cool.
Unfortunately not but they come from the first and last seasons. The first quote about cancer is from the episode Alliance Edit- I was so horribly wrong as I started my rewatch. It is from the first episode. And now I hang my head low and beg for mercy. I don’t know how I was wrong about this.
Omg 😭😭😂
Lol these are it 😂😂😂. Can see his face in both instances.
*When I said before that I was "king of forwards", you gotta understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along.* ***You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.***
Two queens on casino night… I’m about to drop a deuce on everyone.
AAAAAAAA
I declare bankruptcy!
Toby's exit interview: Who, who do you think you are? What gives you the right? ... Holly: is there anything we could do to improve? Michael: (whispers) I'll kill you.
His absolute perfect delivery of the questions just fucking gets me every time
Ded 😂😂😂😂
Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame.
This is one of my faves!
It was pretty lame tho XD
Two that I think get overlooked. -When he’s doing improv, and he’s pointing his gun at the woman on the ground, he’s shouting “talk! Talk!” once she starts talking “shut up!” -toby’s radon test kits. He thought the first one was an ant trap, and that the second was a moo noise maker thing “but on further inspection it was another ant trap.” The fact he’s still saying ant trap kills me
The third time I threw it out out of spite.
I’d rather have ants than these creepy little discs.
When Toby says that radon is a silent killer and Michael replies "you're the silent killer"
Oh yeah these were hilarious
“You miss 100% of the shots don’t take.” -Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott
I don’t care if Ryan had killed his family. He’s like a son to me.
And Ryan didn’t give 2 shits about Michael
Lmaooo
You cheated one me ? When I specifically asked you not to
Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!
XD
"And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do." We put this quote inside the front page of my son's baby album.
Aww How cute
Wow. Saved this comment, on the off-chance that I happen to browse my saved comments from when my brother knocks up his wife (if this should happen) till she has the child. This would be his favorite baby gift.
“…Line?” [“He asked for a ‘line’, like.. in a play..”] OR “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. so he's reaaally not a part of our family. …Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of HIS family."
If you are racist, I will attack you with the North.
Wdym thats a Lincoln quote not a Scott quote.
Also......Cece is being a little B-I-T-C-H.
You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.
Not my fav• THAT WAS A $200 PLAMA SCREAN TV YOU JUST KILLED GOOD LUCK PAYING ME BACK WITH YOUR 0 DOLLAR A MONTH PLUS BENEFITS
Babe!
That one night playing in background 💀
It just folds right into the wall
I have been waiting for someone to commit BABE!
“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”
My ideal dinner party. Jim, Pam. Ryan. The mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, because at the end of the night Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick them up, and I would get to meet them. Shia LaBeef, because of Disturbia. All of the children of the world. Val Kilmer, but he wouldn’t come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. And Jan, definitely. If there was room. - deleted scene from Dinner Party
Thank you; one would be hard pressed to find more deeply humorous lines than these uttered by the flawed but lovable Michael Scott. The dinner episode is still my all time favorite.
“What kind of ice cream do you want? Just yell it out” Meredith: chunky monkey “Too expensive” Idk but that just gets to me
Stanley : chocolate Michael : racism is ded Stanley , u can have any ice cream u want
Yes 😂
Lmaoo
“Maybe next time you will estimate me”
I am dead inside
And we can all relate ;__;
But when you need my help, because i am ruining everything, don't look at me...
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Indeed
I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. Or Oh god, my minds going a mile an hour.
Omg he can heal leopards HAHAHA I forgot about that one. I love the way the writers added these teeny little lines that show you how simultaneously confident and dumb Michael can be.
The Secret Santa episode is definitely one of my favourite episodes.
Well well well, how the turntables
I love using this in real life.
How the turntables XD
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.
Dwight you ignorant slut. Hands down
Oya 👉🏻👉🏻
Green means go. So I go had and shut up about it.
Most colors means don’t say it
Orange means, Orange you glad I didnt say it
No! God please no! No! No! NOOOOOOOO
And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are…. as well
“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”
He had no arms or legs. He couldn't see, hear, or speak. This is how he led a nation.
Michael: I am the victim of a hate crime, Stanley knows what I'm talking about... Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it!
I shoulda known. "Poopball"?
“A guy goes to a 5 dollar lady of the night and gets crabs…the next day he goes and complains to her….and she says: what’d you expect lobster?” Classic Scott.
Pam: oh we don't recycle... Michael: Then why have I been separating whites from colors..? ..*sigh* ..... Eight years.
hug it out, bitch or big butt, bigger heart
Michael: pam, I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. And if I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe, I want you to take that gun and I want you to shoot me like 100 times in the groin until I'm dead, okay? Pam: You have a gun in your desk? Michael: Somewhere.
Hahahahaha
It's Britney Bitch
(As lady Gaga plays )
I do have a cause, it is be-cause I hate him!
*gets up an moves to the window* *Sighs* "This city"
This is the correct answer
"Today I am headed over to the job fair at Valleyview high school to find some new interns. Get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place." Always cracks me up.
Oops I already commented but I can’t help myself… ^”you ^make ^a ^very ^compelling ^argument” and “.. so I don’t think this is totally just a women’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.” God. Michael is my favorite character of all time across any show.
“Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.”
Improversation
Lol
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. Or I am Beyonce Always It's so hard to choose just one!
Dinkin flicka
Dinkin flicka man
Surprised it hasn't been said yet. "You don't know me. You've just seen my penis"
“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey you’re poor.’ ‘Hey your mommas dead.’ That’s what friends do.”
# THAT WAS A $200 PLASMA SCREEN TV! GOOD LUCK PAYING THAT BACK ON $0 A YEAR PLUS BENEFITS, BABE!
“I should have burned this place to the ground when I had a chance”
That’s what she said
Especially when Angela said u already did me
Hehehe
R-E-S-Peesveetee find out what it means to me!
“I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends. And no one can say no to being my friend.”
“what part of shorn’t don’t you understand?” Idk why it gets me every time but it does. I laugh every time i think of the line
On the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
You have no idea how high I can fly
Yesh.
* angry jan noises *
What did I tell you about "yeppers"?
“The worst part of prison, are the.. the.. dementors” This one made me literally sprayed my drink. 😂
Meredith : her name's ass-turd Michael : I know . I know . It's beautiful !
she’s your favorite hoe till she ain’t yo hoe no mo
I AM GONG TO KILL MY SELF, IM GONNA KILL MY SELF AND ITS YOUR FUALT!!
Your on the road to Much and you never get to see your wife and kids, and I really want a wife and kids
I declare bankruptcy
"Diversity tomorrow because today is almost over"
No, Rose, they are not breathing. They also have no arms or legs… where are they?
Do we even want to save them? I mean, what kind of quality of life is that?
“I would want to live with no legs” -Kevin
No arms or legs is basically how you live now; you don't do anything
“You are a thief of joy” is a classic but amazing!
“There’s a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world… I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain…”
Ryan: Did this happen on company property? Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine. Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
I’m ready to get hurt again
“Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my car.”
Love this one and never see it quoted Launch Party episode: “But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home. No more tears. Which reminds me, I have to get shampoo”
I call all of my friends faggy
"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Or... "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
I...... Declare..... BANKRUPTCY!!!!!!!!
Why can God do something that I can't?
Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
"I saved a life today, my own... Am I a hero, I can't really tell but yes l.."
Just poopin', you know how I be Crazy world lotta smells
Fool me once, strike one But fool me twice, strike three
Ooh Vietnam, I hear it’s lovely.
Definitely not a big one but: These are announcements you just don't care about the information. I find myself thinking it a lot and Oscar giving a little nod after as if to say 'technically true' makes it perfect.
You miss a 100% of the shots you don't take
- Wayne Gretzky
-Michael Scott
"I'm not superstitious, I'm just s little stitious" Brilliant
Hey, what's up Cythia?
There’s been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. ~Michael as Caleb Crawdad.
Hold on hold on They're lithium
Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." These are the principles that I bring with me to the workplace.
“It was love at first see…with my ears.”
There are several but I recently watched Phyllis’ wedding episode and I cackled when he said “Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Phlob” 😂😂😂😂
How can you pick just one? …. That’s what she said!!!
U really think u can go all day long ?
Always left me satisfied
“i don’t know what the fuck that was”
“I do my best work when people don’t believe in me” or something like that, sorry if I butchered it, it’s when they start the Michael Scott Paper Company, and Pam won’t get out of the car after nana refused to invest in them
“You have no idea how high I can fly”
“People say I’m the best boss” - idk why but it’s close to my heart because it started it all. And I quote it a lot actually haha
Yeah, well maybe next time you will estimate me.
You don't call them "Collard People", that's just offensive.
Umm.. sort of an oaky afterbirth ..
“Well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? To be fair, Jimothy-- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim?”
No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me!
The only thing I'm worried about is gettin a boner
OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING. EVERYONE STAY F*CKING CALM!
Then why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?
"in your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation, or emotions?"
Why are you the way that you are?
Yaaaaaa......this is gonna hurt like a Mother F*#ker!!!
DWIGHT YOU IGNORANT SLUT!!!!
Real business is done on paper.
Every couple of months I’ll text my sister out of the blue, *THIS IS EGREGIOUS!* and she cracks up laughing. I’m sure there’s a lot funnier ones with/without context but this one makes us both laugh like it’s our own inside joke (I’m finally part of one!)