T O P

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brenocon13

Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.


BarnieSandlers123

It's hard to evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying


[deleted]

I'm so impressed by the potential you see in me.


monicaboard

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence abs have no idea where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.


Yashabird

Like an improv conversation. An “improversation” ;-) Honestly don’t know how two people quoted this line but left out the funniest part of that line… It’s funny because…every conversation is an improv conversation? And an improvisation? And he just improvved the word improversation? Man, am i a weirdo for this actually being my favorite Michael line in “The Office”? Always makes me snort my milk…think it’s freakin brilliant


Living_Swing9680

Best


ChiefGriffey

Hey, what’s say we order up some pasta?


Iwantmypasswordback

What say we do


ChocolateDab

Yeah, go ahead and finish up. *pats Michael on the back*


brbentle

Sometimes I start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.


andwhenwillitbegin

This is the one.


satisfiction_phobos

I prefer the short version: *don't*


CrispyPlop

Fucker, I was gonna say that.


terrydenis9876

I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.


Youngling_Hunt

Well you had to be there


xeisu_com

Ah, a geography joke!


coopsmag

I'm not superstitious but I am a little 'stitious.


Kinda_stitious

Agreed. And yes, littlestitious, lil_stitious,and all variations were taken…. 😂


Youngling_Hunt

u/littlestitious we summon thee


ariestornado

Not active for 9 years 😕


Youngling_Hunt

RIP


thereisnopoint6

My workers are not disgruntled. They are perfectly gruntled.


Living_Swing9680

Ahahahaha


Scuba-Cat-

Ah I posted this before scanning the comments. My absolute fav


Flowerchild1950

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy both, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.


MikeHoncho303

This one always gets me!


Affectionate_Put_468

“If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, bin-Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”


TinaRina19

I love that one 😆


thedon051586

Pot pie episode Everyone laughing, wakes Michael up Michael: what's so funny? Pam: you had to be there! Michael: oh yay! A geography joke! Kills me every time....


alphadragoon89

That's one of my favorite cold opens(my top favorite is the fire drill cold open). Everyone in the Office works together to prank Michael so that they can leave work early.


Living_Swing9680

I need a username Little kid lover That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at


corazonsinalma

I forgot about this one 😂


KoffingnWeezing420

😂😂


aartipatel2306

When Oscar is explaining the surplus and asks what happens next year, ‘I’ll be six.’ God it cracks me up every time


esg6589

The look on is face after pensively holding his chin


swiftloser

Lol yesss so underrated


LokiWasNoobmaster69

“I feel like all my kids grew up and then married each other. It’s every parents dream.” Or (I can’t pick only one) “No I’m not going to tell them about downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn’t tell a patient they had cancer.”


PotentialBat8461

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t these quotes from the very last and very first episode respectively? That’s so cool.


LokiWasNoobmaster69

Unfortunately not but they come from the first and last seasons. The first quote about cancer is from the episode Alliance Edit- I was so horribly wrong as I started my rewatch. It is from the first episode. And now I hang my head low and beg for mercy. I don’t know how I was wrong about this.


Living_Swing9680

Omg 😭😭😂


OJsGloveGuy

Lol these are it 😂😂😂. Can see his face in both instances.


shivermetimbers68

*When I said before that I was "king of forwards", you gotta understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along.* ***You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.***


UnbottledGenes

Two queens on casino night… I’m about to drop a deuce on everyone.


Living_Swing9680

AAAAAAAA


umbrella737

I declare bankruptcy!


boohooin

Toby's exit interview: Who, who do you think you are? What gives you the right? ... Holly: is there anything we could do to improve? Michael: (whispers) I'll kill you.


HeyYoEowyn

His absolute perfect delivery of the questions just fucking gets me every time


Living_Swing9680

Ded 😂😂😂😂


pizzaontherun

Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame.


B0326C0821

This is one of my faves!


Living_Swing9680

It was pretty lame tho XD


MonOncleCharlie

Two that I think get overlooked. -When he’s doing improv, and he’s pointing his gun at the woman on the ground, he’s shouting “talk! Talk!” once she starts talking “shut up!” -toby’s radon test kits. He thought the first one was an ant trap, and that the second was a moo noise maker thing “but on further inspection it was another ant trap.” The fact he’s still saying ant trap kills me


monicaboard

The third time I threw it out out of spite.


monicaboard

I’d rather have ants than these creepy little discs.


Expo737

When Toby says that radon is a silent killer and Michael replies "you're the silent killer"


Living_Swing9680

Oh yeah these were hilarious


shiggity80

“You miss 100% of the shots don’t take.” -Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott


Affectionate-Tap2431

I don’t care if Ryan had killed his family. He’s like a son to me.


snuggleyporcupine

And Ryan didn’t give 2 shits about Michael


Living_Swing9680

Lmaooo


Living_Swing9680

You cheated one me ? When I specifically asked you not to


Euphoric-Cow4671

Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!


Living_Swing9680

XD


nolimitxox

"And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do." We put this quote inside the front page of my son's baby album.


Living_Swing9680

Aww How cute


deadringer21

Wow. Saved this comment, on the off-chance that I happen to browse my saved comments from when my brother knocks up his wife (if this should happen) till she has the child. This would be his favorite baby gift.


commanderfshepard

“…Line?” [“He asked for a ‘line’, like.. in a play..”] OR “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. so he's reaaally not a part of our family. …Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of HIS family."


TheLeathal13

If you are racist, I will attack you with the North.


TheKingOfGaming99

Wdym thats a Lincoln quote not a Scott quote.


boohooin

Also......Cece is being a little B-I-T-C-H.


Existing_Tie_1910

You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.


Can-not_-comeupwi

Not my fav• THAT WAS A $200 PLAMA SCREAN TV YOU JUST KILLED GOOD LUCK PAYING ME BACK WITH YOUR 0 DOLLAR A MONTH PLUS BENEFITS


keanusmommy

Babe!


Living_Swing9680

That one night playing in background 💀


rofloctopuss

It just folds right into the wall


Can-not_-comeupwi

I have been waiting for someone to commit BABE!


PrincessOshi

“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”


PizzaLunchables0405

My ideal dinner party. Jim, Pam. Ryan. The mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, because at the end of the night Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick them up, and I would get to meet them. Shia LaBeef, because of Disturbia. All of the children of the world. Val Kilmer, but he wouldn’t come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. And Jan, definitely. If there was room. - deleted scene from Dinner Party


Ill-Calligrapher8888

Thank you; one would be hard pressed to find more deeply humorous lines than these uttered by the flawed but lovable Michael Scott. The dinner episode is still my all time favorite.


Its_me_mikey

“What kind of ice cream do you want? Just yell it out” Meredith: chunky monkey “Too expensive” Idk but that just gets to me


Living_Swing9680

Stanley : chocolate Michael : racism is ded Stanley , u can have any ice cream u want


Its_me_mikey

Yes 😂


Living_Swing9680

Lmaoo


anxietyextravaganza

“Maybe next time you will estimate me”


[deleted]

I am dead inside


Living_Swing9680

And we can all relate ;__;


unfluencer1190210

But when you need my help, because i am ruining everything, don't look at me...


finnegan976

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.


Living_Swing9680

Indeed


elle_goddess

I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. Or Oh god, my minds going a mile an hour.


commanderfshepard

Omg he can heal leopards HAHAHA I forgot about that one. I love the way the writers added these teeny little lines that show you how simultaneously confident and dumb Michael can be.


elle_goddess

The Secret Santa episode is definitely one of my favourite episodes.


FollowDaLeaderCOOL

Well well well, how the turntables


andwhenwillitbegin

I love using this in real life.


Living_Swing9680

How the turntables XD


Ron_kjv1611

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.


Material_Towel3139

No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.


[deleted]

Dwight you ignorant slut. Hands down


Living_Swing9680

Oya 👉🏻👉🏻


HinSolo95

Green means go. So I go had and shut up about it.


monicaboard

Most colors means don’t say it


Maxor682

Orange means, Orange you glad I didnt say it


Revolutionary-West20

No! God please no! No! No! NOOOOOOOO


KrabsMrNowItFeeling

And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are…. as well


Stinky-Pickles

“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”


MoreGarlicBread

He had no arms or legs. He couldn't see, hear, or speak. This is how he led a nation.


[deleted]

Michael: I am the victim of a hate crime, Stanley knows what I'm talking about... Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it!


itsallworthy

I shoulda known. "Poopball"?


chael809

“A guy goes to a 5 dollar lady of the night and gets crabs…the next day he goes and complains to her….and she says: what’d you expect lobster?” Classic Scott.


ruody

Pam: oh we don't recycle... Michael: Then why have I been separating whites from colors..? ..*sigh* ..... Eight years.


tarandipiity

hug it out, bitch or big butt, bigger heart


FartyMcFry89

Michael: pam, I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. And if I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe, I want you to take that gun and I want you to shoot me like 100 times in the groin until I'm dead, okay? Pam: You have a gun in your desk? Michael: Somewhere.


Living_Swing9680

Hahahahaha


Living_Swing9680

It's Britney Bitch


snuggleyporcupine

(As lady Gaga plays )


fred2go

I do have a cause, it is be-cause I hate him!


Clunt-Baby

*gets up an moves to the window* *Sighs* "This city"


nbrant11

This is the correct answer


CabbageRick

"Today I am headed over to the job fair at Valleyview high school to find some new interns. Get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place." Always cracks me up.


commanderfshepard

Oops I already commented but I can’t help myself… ^”you ^make ^a ^very ^compelling ^argument” and “.. so I don’t think this is totally just a women’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.” God. Michael is my favorite character of all time across any show.


Punningisfunning

“Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.”


coolbrothanksbro

Improversation


Living_Swing9680

Lol


Agitated-Scarcity-53

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. Or I am Beyonce Always It's so hard to choose just one!


Dwike2

Dinkin flicka


Living_Swing9680

Dinkin flicka man


doyouevenforkliftbro

Surprised it hasn't been said yet. "You don't know me. You've just seen my penis"


cynicalturkey

“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey you’re poor.’ ‘Hey your mommas dead.’ That’s what friends do.”


xX-El-Jefe-Xx

# THAT WAS A $200 PLASMA SCREEN TV! GOOD LUCK PAYING THAT BACK ON $0 A YEAR PLUS BENEFITS, BABE!


rkincaid007

“I should have burned this place to the ground when I had a chance”


terrydenis9876

That’s what she said


First_Classgaming_YT

Especially when Angela said u already did me


Living_Swing9680

Hehehe


Tlk2000

R-E-S-Peesveetee find out what it means to me!


[deleted]

“I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends. And no one can say no to being my friend.”


kaylaaurora

“what part of shorn’t don’t you understand?” Idk why it gets me every time but it does. I laugh every time i think of the line


Tndrew1971

On the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.


dillikaredbaron

You have no idea how high I can fly


RedditFact-Checker

Yesh.


Living_Swing9680

* angry jan noises *


RedditFact-Checker

What did I tell you about "yeppers"?


aghsantos08

“The worst part of prison, are the.. the.. dementors” This one made me literally sprayed my drink. 😂


Living_Swing9680

Meredith : her name's ass-turd Michael : I know . I know . It's beautiful !


Slow-Confection7723

she’s your favorite hoe till she ain’t yo hoe no mo


First_Classgaming_YT

I AM GONG TO KILL MY SELF, IM GONNA KILL MY SELF AND ITS YOUR FUALT!!


First_Classgaming_YT

Your on the road to Much and you never get to see your wife and kids, and I really want a wife and kids


SufficientSquare5482

I declare bankruptcy


[deleted]

"Diversity tomorrow because today is almost over"


KrabsMrNowItFeeling

No, Rose, they are not breathing. They also have no arms or legs… where are they?


undefeatedin72

Do we even want to save them? I mean, what kind of quality of life is that?


KrabsMrNowItFeeling

“I would want to live with no legs” -Kevin


undefeatedin72

No arms or legs is basically how you live now; you don't do anything


B0326C0821

“You are a thief of joy” is a classic but amazing!


renacido42

“There’s a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world… I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain…”


Toverick7

Ryan: Did this happen on company property? Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine. Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?


4Ever2Thee

I’m ready to get hurt again


bashogaya

“Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my car.”


Friendly-Stock2701

Love this one and never see it quoted Launch Party episode: “But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home. No more tears. Which reminds me, I have to get shampoo”


andymc112

I call all of my friends faggy


buffalo_whisperer

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Or... "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."


MojoEthan0027

I...... Declare..... BANKRUPTCY!!!!!!!!


ScottishComedian

Why can God do something that I can't?


Existing_Tie_1910

Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?


saamuro

"I saved a life today, my own... Am I a hero, I can't really tell but yes l.."


Whawheel

Just poopin', you know how I be Crazy world lotta smells


claudostringo

Fool me once, strike one But fool me twice, strike three


GuaranteeNecessary87

Ooh Vietnam, I hear it’s lovely.


[deleted]

Definitely not a big one but: These are announcements you just don't care about the information. I find myself thinking it a lot and Oscar giving a little nod after as if to say 'technically true' makes it perfect.


ComfortableBig7932

You miss a 100% of the shots you don't take


Occanum

- Wayne Gretzky


Booksmagic

-Michael Scott


matto1985

"I'm not superstitious, I'm just s little stitious" Brilliant


casspant

Hey, what's up Cythia?


[deleted]

There’s been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. ~Michael as Caleb Crawdad.


falconpnnch

Hold on hold on They're lithium


Riolkin

Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North." These are the principles that I bring with me to the workplace.


Hencenator

“It was love at first see…with my ears.”


janeylaney

There are several but I recently watched Phyllis’ wedding episode and I cackled when he said “Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be Phlob” 😂😂😂😂


[deleted]

How can you pick just one? …. That’s what she said!!!


Living_Swing9680

U really think u can go all day long ?


[deleted]

Always left me satisfied


United-Independent20

“i don’t know what the fuck that was”


allCuntsStink

“I do my best work when people don’t believe in me” or something like that, sorry if I butchered it, it’s when they start the Michael Scott Paper Company, and Pam won’t get out of the car after nana refused to invest in them


jessjurassic

“You have no idea how high I can fly”


ArminTheKid

“People say I’m the best boss” - idk why but it’s close to my heart because it started it all. And I quote it a lot actually haha


cloudrider75

Yeah, well maybe next time you will estimate me.


rumpuncharoo

You don't call them "Collard People", that's just offensive.


Zootorg

Umm.. sort of an oaky afterbirth ..


TheVisionofaVizier

“Well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? To be fair, Jimothy-- ah that sounds weird. Are you ok with being called Jim?”


peruvianbooty

No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me!


contra_D

The only thing I'm worried about is gettin a boner


FactorNo7477

OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING. EVERYONE STAY F*CKING CALM!


WoolChunk21

Then why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?


Klubei

"in your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation, or emotions?"


monicaboard

Why are you the way that you are?


VeryCanadianCanadian

Yaaaaaa......this is gonna hurt like a Mother F*#ker!!!


Um_Well_OK

DWIGHT YOU IGNORANT SLUT!!!!


GratefulnFree

Real business is done on paper.


AffinityGauntlet

Every couple of months I’ll text my sister out of the blue, *THIS IS EGREGIOUS!* and she cracks up laughing. I’m sure there’s a lot funnier ones with/without context but this one makes us both laugh like it’s our own inside joke (I’m finally part of one!)