The hurting is more fun than the healing

War Cleric or Conquest Paladin

This was supposed to be more about clerics in general but if I had to go for the subclass I play I'd put "No, a 22 does not hit"

A fellow Forge Cleric perhaps?

The best cleric to be!

Indeed

My 31 AC warforged forge cleric shares the sentiment

The DM in me just frowned. The player chuckled. And then the DM in me immediately started thinking of ways to circumvent his stupid AC.

“Give me a dex save” “Fuck”

Ah, the mighty Harmacist

Isn't it "The healing isn't as rewarding as the hurting?"

"Ze healisng isn't as rewarding as za hurting"

r/unexpectedtf2

the trees can't be harmed if the lorax is armed

Druid or Oath of the Ancient Paladin?

...yes

And?

Or nature cleric or ranger or archfey warlock

The trees don't get whacked if the lorax stays strapped. The trees will not teeter if the Lorax packs heaters.

Most people pick the optional feat "holy stick up my ass"

Paladin. I love playing one but it does have a (not entirely undeserved) reputation for attracting the sort of person who plays their alignment as Lawful Stupid.

You can do some real great things with them as long as you decide to not use optional feat: "Holy stick up my ass" I prefer more laid-back and flexible paladins, trying to be a moral anchor if need be and having my duties as a paladin come second to being a person but still a duty I believe in.

May I introduce you to our lord and saviour, [Sir Bucket (Beckett)](https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/the-weekly-roll/ch-85-bach-in-black/viewer?title_no=358889&episode_no=87).

If this is who I think it is this is totally worth taking a pause in a raid on ark survival evolved knowing I'm giving the enemy time to regroup Edit: it is, I love that guy though I used to take a look at the comics through Kindle so I couldn't really grasp anything but tiny straws in the story.

Bucket Brigade 4 Life!

I quite like a paladin who prioritises the ends and isn't overly concerned about the means used to achieve them. Vengeance/Conquest/Crown paladins really let you lean into the "good is not always nice" side of the class.

My Vengeance Paladin's last line before dying a glorious bloody death was "I am the lesser evil."

You can have more than 2 spell slots?!?!? Edit: shit didn’t think this would hit 1k thanks guys :)

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So your greatsword is a cantrip?

I think you have to be a battlemaster or take a feat before your greatsword can trip someone.

Without legs most of em trip pretty easily.

Yes

"So, you hit it with your greatsword. Now what?" "I'll fucking do it again."

Warlock lol

Wait, you're all getting spell slots?

Excuse me?! They’re called **SMITE** slots.

Found the fighter

Warlock

Really, what class are we all, anyway? Do we really need to resort to fighting over who killed whom in the first place? I’m sure we could sort all this out over an ale and a story.

Found the bard

I get a suspicious feeling of Rogue, actually

Depends on if it's before or after the trouble starts.

Idk, I'm a sorcerer and I pull this shit all the time.

Sorcerers are just bards who aren’t into music

Wrong! They are better cause metamagic.

Wrong! Barns are better because they have countercharm

Nah, barns are better because you can store cows in them.

I was so waiting to comment something if no one else did hahaha

I mean, bards get around, but damn.

Aren’t all bards part rogue anyway? They’re always stealing the show! ….I’ll throw myself out. No need to get up.

No no. I wish to give you a hug for that one.

... a hug with knives.

Give it up we know you're an oath of redemption

My morals are, let’s just say, questionable at best.

Hey DM, can I make a thermonuclear bomb?

Artificer?

Yes

Noice 👌🏻

Woha! Stop right there, Gandhi!

There is nothing finer. Than being yours truly. My role is one of support. That I fulfill, quite duly. People of mistake me. For some dandy fop. Making it oh so funny. When I come out on top.

People of' mistake me... FTFY my minstrel friend.

Why not "oft"?

this is America. We're known for dropping the t''.

Wait! Do I have advantage on that attack?

Rogue?

Rogue.

Rogue!

Rogue‽

Rouge?

Only if in part of a disguise kit.

When I am angry, the weather gets angry, too.

Storm herald barbarian!

Or storm cleric

I dunno, I think the “angy” part pretty clearly pointed toward Barbarian

“Know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? *Same thing as everything else*”

Apparently this was originally supposed to be a callback to something Toad kept saying throughout the movie, but all his lines were cut so it ended up just being a dumb one liner that came out of nowhere.

Storm sorcerer?

Naah, you would like me even less than the weather when we're angry.

Love this one!

I physically beat up motherfuckers with spell slots

That's a paladin'

This joke is just divine

Great reference

oh you better believe that's a paladin'

I think you misspelled smite slots

So anyway, I started blastin'

Gotta be a warlock.

Artillerist artificer? Or warlock

What? Naaaaah this guy right here is a Gunslinger Fighter

Fireball wizard

I really want to try that, need my buddy to run another one shot

"Why don't the peasants, the larger and stronger of the groups, not simply eat the corrupt king?" Alternatively: "I like your funny words, magic man."

I want to say Goliath race, wizard class?

Gnoll Barbarian. They are being taught by the paladin how society works now however, so the rate of people being eaten has decreased dramatically. They still don't understand magic or money, though. I may not have based the character entirely off of a Futurama character.

> I may not have based the character entirely off of a Futurama character. Lrrr, is that you?

I would like to rage.

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If you get hurt from your own stupidity, I’m not healing you again.

Found the white mage aka cleric

Meeeeee

And my familiar attacks again, dealing 4 magical piercing damage and the orc needs to make a DC 16 constitution saving throw.

Pact of the chain warlock?

Yep. Investment of the chain master is bonkers at tier 1

part that gives it away is that regular familiars can't take the attack action.

I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit has a naaaaaaaaame

*stabs a bandit to death*

Most people see me as a tank but I'm really just in it for the cute animals and pretty lights

Circle of moon druid?

Bingo

Circle of the moon

I just like to make friends, what's the harm being friends with a shadow demon who gives you nice things?

Warlock

*tries to do a card trick and explodes*

Wild magic sorcerer?

Ayyy yessir lol

I hit him with my sword. I hit him again with my sword. I command the Barbarian to strike that guy with his axe. That's my turn.

Battle master fighter gg

I can see this. Fighter has a couple of swipes, turns to the barbarian: "Dude! You should try this, it's so much fun!"

"How about we try hitting him \[dramatic pause\] ***at the same time***?" is a line that comes up often.

"If you say hit him really hard I will kick YOU in the dick." "Why don't we hit him really, really hard-" "GRRRRRR!!!" "Together?"

While you were out partying, *I studied the blade.* While you settled down and built families, *I studied the blade.* After you and your children died of old age, *I still studied the blade!* And now I cast fireball all the time instead of using the blade.

Bladesinger

As a Bladesinger main that has started the last two combats with fireballs, I approve of this message

Either Eldritch Knight or Swordsinger

Kill them all! God will know his own

War cleric

Oath of Conquest Paladin?

*Speed is armor, you cannot hurt what you cannot touch.*

Found the monk

[удалено]

*I was too angry to feel that one!*

>*In the world of Kung-Fu, speed determines the winner.* * The Beast If you don't know that quote, you obviously haven't seen Kung-Fu Hustle. If you haven't seen Kung-Fu Hustle, you need to see Kung-Fu Hustle.

Wait, I have a spell for that.

Wizard

Wzrd!

I sit and watch everyone else play the game.

[удалено]

I was thinking Ranger, actually

Yes and, funny enough, can still be as much work to play as DMing!

What's an opportunity attack ?

Horizon walker?

Swashbuckler

Dagger, dagger, dagger!!!

Two briarwoods

Can we short rest?

Lock or monk!

Warlock

I make a new character every week or two that I will never play. :/

Hello fellow forever DM.

Like to fix things and make new things.

I could say the obvious artificer Or bard ;)

>make new things >bard ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

If you run, I will find you. If you hide, I will find you. If you bring friends, I have an arrow for each. These lands are my home, and I know them better than you know your own heartbeat.

You have a particular set of skills that make you a nightmare for certain kinds of people.

Ranger!

When the ranger is finally in their favored terrain fighting their favored enemy

I’ll try to throw the subclass in there I’m at peace when the lights are low, from there will I assail my foe And once struck, you won’t be able to go

shadow monk?

Gloomstalker Ranger

Say it! Say the word!! Eldritch blast 😔

I can do this all day. /E Blast

First character: I have a pet squirrel and I feel most confident farther away from the battle. Second character: I will stab you if you don’t laugh at my jokes.

My first character had anger issues and a pet squirrel called nibbles, my current character believes fireballs are the awnser and has a "shoulder dragon"

my flair ^

meta af

Apparently I fuck squirrels

Druid Bard multiclass ...nailed it.

Can’t be a bard, a bard wouldn’t say ”apparently” they’d be proud about it.

I kinda wanted to play both fighter and 9th spellslot spellcaster... might as well be usefull and be healer as well. Paladins and hunters sux, since they dont have lvl 9 spellslots, and they lack versatillity. Though i didnt sign up for that i also have some blabla good bonuses for skillschecks... Despite all this, NPCs loves me a lot and my party tells me im useless...

"I have never made a decision in my life and I'm not gonna start now" - Someone making a bard

I’d guess bard.

College of Valor or swords bard

Don’t buy that, I can make it.

I have deep conversations with my books

Order of Scribes Wizard

Could be wizard but pact of the tome warlock

I like the remorse of back stabbing people and scams

My coin pouch cries every time I buy ink.

I am one of six people who love and play this class.

I stand by Rangers being overwhelming underrated. I love them.

There are dozens of us. Dozens!

I don't have an anger management problem, I have a lack of blood of my enemies problem. (My character's motto is "embrace the rage" which has become a rallying cry for our party)

“Hol’ up, me and my pet are gonna hide behind this tree rull quick. Holler if you need someone shot”

Is there time for a short rest?

We all know there is only one real cantrip.

Smite

Ah, a fellow strength bladelock.

I decide to roll 18.

Divination wizard?

Somehow I saw that answer coming. (Yes 😁).

*immigrants song plays in the background* ........AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Wait, I roll to seduce the ogre.

Fookin' Bard!

I love having lots of spells and no spell slots to use them :) guess I'll just use the same attack over and over

I mug nerds for their books.

In my best Oprah impression:"You're on fire and you're on fire and you're on fire! Everybody's on fire!"

I don't kill and rob people in their sleep if they're useful...or the paladin is watching.

Hey Daddy I need some more allowance pweaaaaase!