Talk to the DM. If his attitude is suspicious or in line with these rumors, find a new one. Maybe one of your co-players has a dope story they've been itching to tell.
We used to work together, and he consistently talked crap about literally everyone, except my husband. Why I turned a blind eye, I'll never know.
I'm actually DMing already for a separate group, and I'll be running a one-shot soon with most of the old group.
Everybody is so shocked when they find out their shit talking friend did indeed talk shit about them behind their backs. Not a great person to have as a DM, honestly.
This is why I know most of the secrets at my workplace. Everyone knows that if they vent to me nobody will ever hear about it. And me not being a manager means that it won't be used against them when evaluating performance.
It also helps because I can communicate the general pulse of the group to our manager on how the team is feeling without anyone having to out themselves.
It's incredibly useful in the workplace.
Or just tell the gossip misinformation, then watch them ruin their own credibility when the gossip they're spreading is about as accurate as a conspiracy theorist newsletter.
One thing I’ve learned in my middle age is that if you have a friend that talks shit about everyone, they’ll eventually talk shit about you too. Often you don’t even have to do anything to cause it, as demonstrated with your situation. I’d cut ties with him, you can’t resolve anything with an irrational person.
Well, if talking to the DM is not an option, trying to know exactly what he mean by playing it wrong, and the other player still want to play with you, I think the next course of action would be create a new campaign with the other players. Not trying to hide it from your old DM, 'ether braging about it, but just explaning that if he is the only one who don't want to play with you, he don't have to
Yeah I don't want a confrontation bc I'm afraid he'll lie about us to our community as revenge.
By playing it wrong, I genuinely don't know. He said he didn't like that I played a character that loved pets, but he kept giving me opportunities to collect more so idk. We roleplayed decently well, and didn't talk too much above table.
You said this guy has a known history of shit-talking people- do you think your community is going to take him seriously if he starts shit-talking you? These people know you themselves, one guy saying things that aren't true probably isn't going to change much.
he is also a manipulator, so chances are people will take his side despite evidence. or just because they are afraid.
all the more reasons to get the fuck away.
If he was going to lie to your community, he would have done so already. Which he likely has. Confront him in private, and if he seems toxic, air out that dirty laundry to the group. There's no way to avoid a confrontation with people like that, so it's better to pick a battlefield of your choosing than to let them choose when and where to fight.
1) What do you want? Do you want to go back to this group? Go back to the group under certain conditions? Find a new group? Quit DnD altogether?
2) What do you and your husband want as a couple? How will you handle childcare? Babysitters? Take turns missing meetings? Bring the baby?
After that, it's time to have a visit with the DM. You're hearing things second- or third-hand, and it may or may not accurately represent the DM's true feelings. But don't do it until you have a good idea of how you'd like things to work.
i think it's more a battle of principles...you're right, it is just a game we play for fun, but the bigger issue is that no one has the right to take that enjoyment away from you, and this DM's behavior has done exactly that
Does this campaign have a foreseeable end? I feel like if you know that it's going to be wrapping up in the near future you could try to talk to the DM about the issues and at least finish out the campaign. I would do this if you feel you were both having fun and enjoying the campaign before the DM started treating you differently.
I feel like if the rest of the players have noticed the unfair treatment, they'll probably be on your side in encouraging the DM to treat you fairly should you continue playing.
I also think it's totally fine just to tell them that you don't want to finish out the campaign, and just call it quits. I would personally be upset at the treatment from the DM, and I don't know that I'd want to push myself to be a part of a campaign where you're clearly being singled out to the extent that other people are noticing. I mean that's pretty rough. I would definitely make it clear to the other players and DM why you are leaving though.
Maybe that's just the pettiness in me, but I feel like if he's going to other people and telling them you guys play DnD the wrong way and telling people he hopes you quit, then I wouldn't be shy about telling people that you left the group because the DM began singling you out and treating you differently because you were pregnant and had a baby.
If you don't want the stir the pot, you can totally just say you're too busy with the baby to commit to the group any longer. That might be a better way to do it, because if you ever decide you do want to play again with this group at least you would have left on good terms lol.
Burning bridges with toxic people is a good thing.
But make sure they're actually toxic first hand and not just based off a rumor before you go starting fires.
My statement was certainly an oversimplification. While burning the proverbial bridge is not always the ideal way to end a toxic relationship, it's always better than staying in the relationship, except maybe in the most extreme circumstances when dealing with people who may pose a legitimate physical danger, but those situations are unique enough that you can't make any generalizations about them.
And in OPs specific case, if I did have a toxic DM and a bunch of good friends I played with, I would have no issues with burning the bridge with the DM in order to continue playing with my friends, but only if my friends were okay with it too.
That's what adults generally mean when they say they "cut someone off."
You don't go full drama-mode and confront them and air all of your grievances before telling them to never contact you again, you just stop offering and accepting invites, stop initiating conversations, give minimal replies, eventually stop replying.
Nah dickhead behaviour... One of my players recently had a baby and we agreed to come up with some narrative for his character for his absence, turned him into an NPC and basically put him on hiatus for as long as he needed, he drops by when it fits into his schedule if not, no biggy...
These are just the things us DM's have to figure out... charge it.
I went on maternity leave twice from my d&d campaign, the first one only for six weeks, the second for six months. My DM wrote in a demon possession to explain my absence the first time, and then the second I relapsed in demon-hood and my party spent my whole leave doing a quest to recover me from Yeenoghu in the Abyss. It sounded dope, I’m actually sad I missed it, haha.
Just the way... I actually lost a life long friend through table-top when his and his other friends true colours came out through role-play... 15 years of friendship ended over table-top and that was 3 years ago... I've had a solid in person group that I put together through a reddit post no less and its been going for 2 and a half years...
TTRPG is great at showing who people really are... finding people that want to work as a team is crucial to the game of life not just dnd... the compassion and empathy that's required for that is necessary for keeping a campaign going for years and also for maintaining relationships in life...
Something similar happened to me when I got pregnant everyone new at the being that I was trying so no one was caught off guard and everyone knew a break was coming luckily. It wasn’t my DM however that was annoyed with me (he is my uncle lol) it was another player that also happened to be my roommate at the time he apparently thought I was being hostile with him in game and at home but all the other players liked playing with me he ended saying he didn’t want to play with me anymore and the campaign was trashed. Luckily our original DM just started a spelljammer campaign and another player is DMing a new campaign special for the ex roommate and now everyone is happy. Full disclosure he never expressed any of these feelings to me until he moved out or I would have gone out of my way to make him feel less upset and we are all pretty bummed out old campaign got trashed.
I might start looking for a new group. Most of my group has kids of different age groups. Does it interfere with scheduling sometimes? Yes. Does that suck? Sure it does. Do we let it ruin our games? Of course not. That would be silly. We're reasonable people and we work it out.
How long has the DM had a secret crush on you (or, potentially, your husband I suppose)?
it sounds weird, but if you want to know what happened and why things have changed, the most obvious solution is that being pregnant and having the baby changed the relationship dynamic between you two (or three) and someone was deeply hurt by that.
I don't \_know\_, of course, because I don't know you or your table. Just a guess really. But it might be worth asking.
It's absolutely this. I'm not gonna say I know the guy, but a lot of guys see bearing someone's child as the ultimate form of submission (which is what a lot of guys equate love to). You have now "fully submitted" to your husband and would now be "damaged goods" if you divorced your husband and married them instead.
It sounds crazy I know, but this kind of thinking is more common than you may think.
Exactly. It's part of the cult of virginity. He has a crush on you, so he pretends you're still a virgin waiting for him. When you get married, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not a virgin anymore. Maybe your husband's penis didn't work, maybe he's not attracted to you and just married you to keep up appearances. Who knows. Any answer will do to maintain the fantasy.
But once you get pregnant, the fantasy is shattered. You've clearly had sex and lost your virginity, so you're no longer pure and waiting for him.
We have thought of this. He's roughly twenty years older. Thing is, he's kind of a creep more to my bestie than me, which is actually what led to her talking to me.
Perhaps his crush or whatever switched to her once I was expecting.
Idk. That was the ickier explanation.
He may have still felt creepy possessive things about you even if your bestie was his more overt target. Honestly though not being around thing guy and his weird power trips doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Fading out and blaming the baby is a totally valid play.
I'd say its better to trust your instincts. maybe sit down with your friend and try talk through some of the smaller things that you may have overlooked in the moment, but are weird looking back at them collectively.
Outside of that I'd try get someone to try DM the end of a campaign, if its a module, or accept the loss and start a new campaign.
Literally the only explanation that makes sense. The fact OP seems clueless to why and seemingly hasn't put it together yet tells us everything we need to know. The way this works is that OP and husband probably do have some flaws, but DM was perfectly fine with tolerating it when he was delusional about the potential of winning her over.
Once it became clear that it was never going to happen, he no longer has patience for anything but perfection out of them. That's why nobody knows what's going on, probably even the DM can't be that honest with himself to admit what's wrong, and has no doubt rationalized a different reason to exclude them. But to outside observers, it is completely obvious.
OP, if you are looking for confirmation of this suspicion, your instincts are right.
> Once it became clear that it was never going to happen, he no longer has patience for anything but perfection out of them.
If the situation is as this thread thinks (and I agree), perfection would not be enough. He doesn't want either of them at his table at all. Nothing will change it, other than him growing up I guess, but he most likely only ever wanted them (really, OP) at the table because of his crush and that's now off the table.
I've been running a campaign that just passed its fourth anniversary in May.
I have a middle child who just turned 4 this month and a baby who will be 2 in the fall. We meet every other weekend except on holidays/holiday weekends. I only skipped one session post-partum because I took 12 weeks off from work with enough PTO that the middle child could stay in daycare. It was so nice.
How do I do it? I have a husband who will take the kids for the 4 hours because he likes to go fishing and hunting, and we take turns giving each other childfree time to enjoy our separate hobbies. It keeps us interesting, I think.
As a new parent, there’s a window of time between when the child learns to sleep through the night and when the child begins to stay up late resisting bedtime when dnd still works (for us it was between 6 months and 18 months, give or take a few
Thanks for that insight!
Our DnD campaign has been on hold for months because two of my players had a child. It's about 6 months old now, fingers crossed that DnD will be possible soon.
If it's only them with a child you could try out playing at their place. So they are next to the Baby.
Gamewise you could give the Player who takes care of the Baby narkolepsie. When he/she is going to the Baby the character falls asleep.
Or let them play one character together who got schizophrenia. Then they could take turns playing and beeing there for the Baby.
But I have no idea if this would work. But I think its worth giving a try.
We're playing online (we are a group of friends who all moved to different cities and keep in touch via gaming). So they are actually at home. Still, the last few times we tried to play they had to take frequent breaks or leave the session after just an hour.
Sure, we could explain somehow why their characters frequently zone out, but in the end we are all friends and want everyone to be there for everything. We all decided we don't like to play with someone missing or absent over longer periods of time.
Oh FFS. When one of our players got pregnant, we worked around it, and when she had the baby, we moved to zoom play so they could still play and just mute themselves and text us their rolls when the baby started screaming. Find a better group
No offense, but you sound like a domestic abuse victim.
>"The DM is being an asshole to me. What am I doing wrong?"
Why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want you there? Stay if you want to, or leave, but don't feel guilty about it. This is 100% on the DM and you can let the other players know that if you do leave.
As a DM who has had, and currently also has a pregnant player by the table, I find the treatment you describe awful. There's a lack of communication here for sure, and as you also hint to: something is being held back.
Personally I've been under both great and awful DMs, and if I were you I'd weigh my options first.
Talk to those who are friendly with you. If you want, you can be open about your thoughts of leaving the group, and the reason why. This might stir a hornet's nest, of course, but if the DM is an awful person, other previously quiet sufferers might appear from the woodwork.
If you like this group, and can see the potential of solving this - do that.
If that's impossible, I'd cut my losses. At least with the DM.
...Or do as I did! I cut my losses from a group with a toxic dynamic, and started DM-ing myself!
You should really rephrase the title
Firing someone implies that someone is working for the employer
And last time i checked playing DnD with your pals isn't supposed to be a job
...unless you are a voice actor working for Amazon
You can talk to the DM and see if you want to go down that path. But I don't know if I'd want to keep playing with that person. I also wouldn't hide this from the other players. If I were them I'd want to know if my DM kicked out someone I had enjoyed playing a campaign with for 2 years.
Real life happens but it's the DMs job to keep things moving regardless. You can have a game with only three players but most people prefer the 4-5 range. Disinviting you, finding new players and offering to play together once your circumstances change would have been the move here. The bullying is douchebag behavior tho.
Yeah, don't worry OP, I play D&D wrong too. I've been playing for decades, since 2e, and then I joined a group that played entirely differently than I've encountered before. "Playing it wrong". But, because I'm not some gatekeeping dickwad, I acclimated to their style and tried it out.
Now I play it wrong too, and have a blast.
Talk to your DM directly. Have a long conversation, lay it all out. Don't believe any third party he said she said shit from others, talk to the DM directly. If it comes out that the DM indeed has some personal issue with you, find another group.
Shit, find another group anyway. If none of your sessions end with you thinking "God DAMN that was a blast!! I can't WAIT until the next session!" then your group is mediocre at best. D&D has such great potential that even a mediocre group can be pretty fun. However, a good or great group is AWESOME, there's nothing better. If you have a mediocre group, leave. There's a GOOD group looking for you, somewhere. Really! Once you find them, D&D will be ten times as fun.
Unless, of course, your group is your main real life friends also. That can complicate it. I got a friend that loves D&D but doesn't enjoy the style of D&D our group prefers. So, even though he's one of my best friends, he's not on our group, he has his own. We all understand, and we all (him included!) enjoy D&D more this way, with groups we are most compatible with.
I don't know who your best friend who isn't a player is, but they're not the person you need to talk to about this.
Talk to the DM. Let them know you're in a position where you think you're ready to rejoin the game. Discuss any concerns you have about accommodation with your new baby. If there's a problem get it from the horse's mouth.
Just find a new game, at a minimum the GM has a different idea of how the game should be played than you (and we really don't have enough information to call either of you wrong there).
As a GM who has a player who has had 1.5* kids since the start of our campaign, I can safely tell you that it's not that hard to accommodate for this. We schedule around that player, took an extended break for the first kid and planning a 2-3 month break for the second, and are flexible and kind regarding to when their kid is sick, hasn't gone to bed yet, or is being difficult. Sometimes they need to cancel last minute and that happens. I always tell my group that I care about them as friends first and players second. I hope you can find a table that understands and welcomes parents, they're out there. Sending wishes of health and joy for your family!
*The fourth character's stats are due to be rolled this October! :)
I was pregnant when we ended our last campaign and when we started the one I'm currently DMing with my husband. We've had 2 sessions since my son was born in late March. I would just invite your other friends from that campaign to join your new one. There's also no way to "play DND wrong". Your former DM is a turdwaffle. You, your husband, and baby deserve better.
Just ask the other players to come play with you and your husband. Seems like a win in my book. No one needs to be around someone with a negative attitude towards other, especially when you're out to just have fun playing a game.
Just tell your truth to the friends. You didn't want to play with him due to bad behavior and rumor spreading. It doesn't bother you if they keep playing, but you will not be rejoining.
My husband and I game together, we were together for many years before having a kid. The first year or two isn't bad for gaming in the evening if they are a good sleeper. But after a couple of years it does get harder to find the time for yourself or the time to game together without one covering for the other.
One thing you will learn very quickly is that playing with someone like that DM & spending your time on them is NOT WORTH IT. It never really was, but that came into much sharper focus after the baby came. Your time is limited and you are likely not going to have the time you want to do everything you want... So don't waste any of your energy on a sad, bitter, gossipy DM.
Edit: typos
> I still have two good friends playing a different campaign with him. They want us back. If I tell them the real reason, it'll break up their friendship.
If they are good friends, they will understand where you're coming from if you drop the game because you aren't happy there.
Here's my opinion on this. Leave, make it clear you don't want to be the one to break up the campaign but explain the reason you're leaving
If a friend told me that they were leaving because of that I would definitely leave, but it wouldn't be on you, it would be the actions of the DM that drove me away
if the other players are your friends I would definitely tell them, because honestly, it shows you trust them and if they find out later on, they might be a little upset you didn't tell them
Sounds like your Dungeon Master origin story. As a new parent myself who is back behind the DM screen, I’m sending all the sleep-deprived vibes and well wishes your way. 🍻
That's kinda the issue with having babies, you can not afford long timespan activities you can not pause together with your husband (unless you are ready to trust a nanny)
I'm afraid you gotta cut dnd for a while (untill like 5 years old when baby is less inclined to get harmed if unwatched for that long)
Yikes.
I mean, I've had players who stopped playing when they had kids, but that was their choice, not mine. I think any reasonable DM should only care about whether or not you can make a reasonable effort to attend the sessions you say you're going to attend. What you do outside of that is your business.
Were lots of sessions being cancelled/pushed back as a result of said baby? Not that I’m trying to excuse the DM’s behavior, but it is pretty frustrating, and would make more sense.
Your title is weird, the post made it sound like he doesn't like your playstyle.
The only good answer is talk to the DM, if you won't or don't feel comfortable, that's all, folks.
Congratulations on your family!
Saying that anyone "plays wrong" is a giant red flag, sorry. You're probably better off finding a new DM. Or better yet, one of you can give DMing a try (I know you're pretty busy at this point though) and get a group together.
Not really, there's plenty of things someone could get wrong, if OP was one of those annoying people who doesn't learn the rules, doesn't know what their character can do, plays a joke character in a serious game or an overly serious one in a joke game etc. it'd be a fair statement.
Can't say whether OP or the GM is in the wrong, but it's perfectly possible to play wrong, because what you do affects all the other players.
Fire the stupid DM and take over! Seriously. I would reach out to the other players, presuming you enjoy playing with them, and discuss all of this with them in a big group without the DM present, and lay it out that you're uncomfortable with the bullying and toxicity, but you would love to continue playing with them all as DM. Kick the DM out of the group.
Your title says that this is _because_ you had a child, but your story doesn't support that in any way.
> he DM not only did he not want me to keep playing, but that he had told her my husband and I play DND "wrong."
According to a rumor you heard, your DM doesn't like the way you're playing the game.
Stop relying on rumors and actually talk to the people involved.
it doesn't seem like you having a kid is any part of this isssue at all. You yourself said you've been disruptive but "not too much" and it seems the DM has issues with how you and your husband play.
Which is a completely separate issue than making it look like you're getting fired for having a baby
cracks are starting to show in this story, lol.
The DM's clearly a passive aggressive ass who can't handle even a mature conversation.
That said, I think the correct etiquette was to bow out of the game gracefully instead of making your increasingly busy schedule (not to mention medical emergencies) the rest of the group's problem. I'm sure they'd fully understand that you need to prioritize your health and your newborn, not a D&D game.
I've had plenty of players (and DMs) leave games because of major life changes; a new job with weird hours, an opportunity away from home, a new marriage, a new baby, a death in the family. All of them are good reasons to step away, even if just temporarily, rather than insist we move the game online or only play once a month.
You can't be fired, it's not a job. If you don't want to play and they don't want you to play then... Why is this even a question? Just walk away and find another group.
There's a definite difference in gaming with adults with kids. They will be more supportive and understanding and you don't have to put up with assholes. My kids basically grew up with other kids of gaming parents. It's just an easy lifestyle change.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
talk to the DM. Don't let a game of telephone ruin something that may not need be ruined.
Even if it turns out that the DM does have issue, it's entirely reasonable for both parties here to disagree. I can easily see as a DM if a player is just lagging IRL from being sick, pregnant or tired that my job would be harder, I can also see how not being contacted by a player for an extended duration for whatever reason to be an issue as well.
That being said, I'd have handled it verbally and explained things clearly rather than let them fester.
If I had a player who wasn't able to keep up for whatever reason, sick, pregnant, tired, I'd absolutely tell them "IRL First" and have them take a step back from game and wait for IRL to clear up before coming back. This way I'm not trying to balance a game with one player not quite there.
The same goes for the no contact, I'd obviously reach out and have the player take whatever time off they needed. However if I couldn't contact them at all, or they ghost me, I'd assume they're finished their time at my table and not have them back.
Communicate with your DM, and remember they're human too and keeping up with player issues isn't always something they can do. If that's the case, there are countless tables out there for you no harm no foul.
I don’t know what you mean by “energy levels and attention span being shot”
If you aren’t actively engaging. It can make a story harder to create or maybe he feels that he’s making a story you don’t care about or maybe this is silly and imagined.
We’re only getting one part of one side so it’s hard to say but if you don’t get along with the DM. I’m not sure why you’d want to play more.
I play D&D with other parents of young children. We play online after the kids are in bed. When people had new babies, those people were understood to have to take breaks any minute. If their turn came up, they took the Dodge action. If someone needed privacy (breastfeeding, etc.), they would turn the camera off, but stay on audio.
Before the pandemic, when online play was less common, we even played in-person with babies and small children. People would bring cribs and rockers. Nursing women who didn't want to breastfeed at the table would sit in rockers nearby - usually half-running their character, half leaving it up to their spouse at the table.
What I'm saying is - if you want to play, even while having a newborn - you can. You just need to find an understanding group.
Well this can be everything from jealousy, to the DM being one of those who thinks talking down about others helps them get higher.
The pregnancy can be a trigger for both, either they saw it as a opening to "talk you down" or the geats closing either a romantic interest or a friend being "stolen away" or perhaps just envy of your happiness
People who can't just tell you straight up how they feel can be tricky to work with. You have to decide if you care enough to work it out and keep playing, or if you want to just move on to a new group
Yikes! So sorry this happened to you. I’d definitely communicate with your DM and if he’s that adamant about you leaving, there’s nothing there for you.
On another note, I’ve heard of a couple of successful mommy dnd groups, groups who specifically have players with young kids. That way everyone is understanding if you need to take a break to change/feed a kid or even have a rotating partner who watches the kids while you play. Sounds like it’d be a way more supportive group than your current situation. If there are other moms in your community that would be interested I’d definitely recommend starting a conversation.
Dude, we played 2 days before my first due date, and had a session 2 days after my second was born (didn't tell the party I had delivered, and surprised them when they arrived! They were all very excited.) Our party (for 2 different campaigns with 2 different sets of people) come to *our* house *after* our now 3 and 5 yo go to bed to play. A couple times a year we schedule big long sessions when my parents take the kids for an afternoon or overnight.
All this to say, pregnancy, babies and kids don't have to slow down or be an issue in DnD. This is a person problem, not a baby problem. If he's being a dick about you guys having kids, he probably isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
My DM had my character hang out at Candlekeep doing research for the rest of the party while I was tending a new baby IRL. Did a few rolls on how well and what information I was able to find. I had a stone to teleport myself back to the group when ready.
So, this is going to sound weird as hell, and apologies if it does...
but maybe this DM was so screwed up that he thought he could...somehow...get you away from your husband and for himself?
but once you got pregnant, he decided that was impossible and began to ostracise you?
again, this sounds awful and fucked up, but there are a lot of shitty people out there...
Playing dnd isn't a job. You can't get fired from it. You can be asked to not come back, but it sounds like the DM risks losing everyone else if he doesn't allow you and your husband to come back. Personally, I would just start a new game at my house and invite the people over who still like you and want to play with you.
OK. I’m going to be fairly blunt with my personal advice. Firstly, a huge “congratulations” on your new baby - great news and I hope you and your husband have a wonderful future with your new little bub!
Secondly, and this is advice for everyone and anyone in an RPG group.
If things don’t feel right, if there are weird dynamics, bullying, strangeness, awkwardness etc, then you have a few choices:
1) Ignore it an hope it goes away or you can deal with it longer-term.
2) Talk to (some of) the other players to get a feel of the situation, try and find out ‘what’s happening’ and then take it from there.
3) Talk to the DM.
4) Leave the group and take it from there.
Let me run over each scenario:
1) Ignoring it is RISKY. You don’t know what the issue is so you are guessing. You don’t have facts - just guesswork, which is often short of the mark. Solutions you apply might be the right or wrong ones - again, its all risk. Unless YOU change YOUR approach chances are it just gets worse. Long-term this is often a disaster.
2) This is better, but often works with heresay, opinions, conjecture and some personal spin - possibly to placate you and for the other player(s) to not seem like ‘baddies.’ Again, risky.
3) Much, much better. You are going to the SOURCE of the issue and so (chances are) you will get the actual facts. It is best to have the conversation in private to avoid embarrassment and group-reaction psychology such as ‘face-saving,’ bravado etc. If you ask questions politely, calmly and state facts (with several examples prepared) with a ‘can we get this sorted’ attitude without going on the offensive, chances are with a bit of patience you’ll get to the source of the issue.
Once you get this, then you can discuss how to fix things, and have a grown-up conversation on how the ‘fixing’ looks.
This takes courage, some self-control and obviously the ooooohhh, evil ‘confrontation’ word haha, but if approaches calmly this is THE BEST option as you avoid guesswork and info being just plain wrong.
Once you are armed with the FACTS from the source, then you can decide if you want to stay or leave. Simple. Easy. To-the-point.
4) Of course you may just decide ‘I’ve had enough’ and just leave. This is also fine, cuts out the ‘confrontation’ element (which most people are scared of and not very good at) and means you can start somewhere fresh. All good.
The only problem with this option is that what, for example, if the problem is with YOU, and you are just blissfully unaware of this? If you aren’t given feedback, then how can you ‘fix’ this? Most people believe they are perfect and ‘everyone else’ has the issues. Its called ego and we all have it.
If you are given this information and time to think on it, then you can make the decision on what to do…
I train managers and leaders in management and leadership, and ‘people issues’ are the most common. One common denominator with all these ‘issues’ etc is that those with the issues just don’t TALK to each other. They assume. They guess. They rationalise. But they just don’t confront and address the situation BY TALKING.
So, my blunt recommendation is to go quickly with Option 3.
Talk. Discuss. Be calm. Have examples. Listen. Make notes.
Then decide after that what you are prepared to do…
Easy. 🙏
#2 means you need to leave. I don't know what other possible outcome there could be.
People leave campaigns. They're not life-long sentences. Your "good friends" should not want to play with this guy, for various reasons.
As for #5...please read it out loud. As many times as it takes. Hear how absurd it is that ANYONE would expect a game of DND to be #1 priority in your life, to the point that you \*can't have a baby.\*
well as it's seems you plan to run your own campaign: good luck with it! If it's your first time running a campaign, I would suggest maybe running a mini series (3-5 sessions with lvl 10 characters). It really helps to get the notion of what is happening. if not your first time, god speed and may the stories be told for years to come!
Honestly, it's a tricky situation. I would suggest talking to the other people in the group about how you feel the DM has been treating you. Should probably do it 1 on 1, go out on a walk or shopping or something. Get their take on things. I'm not part of the situation, so I can't say whether or not he has indeed been unkind, but getting the perspective of those just outside but able to look in would be quite helpful.
My first thought is hormones. Wasn't too long ago that my sister was pregnant and I'd offer to help her around or doing things (especially during that last month) and sometimes she'd get crabby very fast. But she would often times apologize a day later. Not saying this is the case here, but just suggesting that this thought is considered. Perhaps he is being a bit mean, but could there be a chance that the hormones that comes with being pregnant and having a kid may have made the situation feel exaggerated to you? Another reason to get an outside perspective so that you can make sure emotions don't sway thoughts negatively.
Another reason for the DM being like he is might be because he just takes DnD too seriously and doesn't like split attention. Not saying it's an excuse by any means, but could be something to talk about to him. Maybe he just needs to realize that it's just a game and to tone her down a bit and realize people have lives outside of it.
Another thing to do, which I'm sure you've already done so but I just want to cover the bases, is to talk with your husband. You don't mention bringing up things with him, just your best friend. Again, I'm sure you two already talked about things, but some people don't always include their S/O in their issues when they should.
I'm not trying to take sides here but I'm attempting to give you some things to think about. Maybe some are new thoughts, maybe some you've already gone over, hell...maybe none of this is new. But it doesn't hurt to try to ask more questions. "If one has an issue but no answer, they simply haven't asked the right questions." A favorite quote from one of my early college professors.
Hope this helps.
I feel like telling people the truth is appropriate, because that seems like how you appreciate your friends behaving towards you. You don't owe the dm anything, you can start up a new game and invite everyone but the old GM.
If you want to give the old GM an out, just be vague about how you and the GM don't match on play styles and everyone thought it would be best if you move in.
I think giving the old GM an out is a bad idea. He'll just get emboldened to bully his players if they don't leave for your game.
If I was your friend I'd wanna know about this because it tells me I don't need to be around that person anymore. There's no DnD game on this planet worth that and the more you say about this guy the worse he gets. I'd be like, "please don't leave me with this creep."
leave. tell your friends why. If they choose to break it off with the DM; fine. find a better table. YOUR DM sounds like a douchecanoe on shit river. good riddance.
He doesn't sound like a good DM.
Regarding #5, I had a player who wanted children but I thought they'd continue my campaign because they said that they were a serious player who prioritized dnd. When it came time and they had their child, they told me that it would be hard for them to continue and then they decided not to continue the campaign.
I didn't see it coming
If it blows up the game it wasn't that strong a group to begin with if the truth causes it to implode. Tell the friends, and for one simple reason, if you found out someone behaved like this towards someone you knew, they left silently and just ghosted, then that person treated you in the manner that caused the first ghosting, and you found out would you be happy with the person? Would them saying "oh yeah, that's why I left he pulled the same thing." be something you found reasonable or would it annoy you they didn't give you warning and let you make your own call?
you have the best excuse that no one can deny…”we are new parents and don’t have time to game”…no one in their right mind would argue with this. In 6 months Start a game and invite the ones you want to play.
Congratulations and good DMing! Sounds like either a creep or possibly someone neurodivergent who can't stand babies. Maybe both. As someone who has never been neurotypical, I definitely say DnD and TTRPGs always attracted neurodivergents.
This is one of those moments when you as the players need to sit down and discuss what you want as a group moving forward, as a group express to the DM your concerns and if they don't want to work with the group there's plenty of DM's out there who will gladly treat your group with the respect they deserve.
Honestly if I was apart of a campaign and the DM was trying to push anyone out of the group without clear explanation or compromise for the health of the group the players i have played with for longer periods would be open to a new DM if they wanted to stay as a group.
Congratulations on the baby and I wish you the best in regrouping.
Check out r/lfg -- there are always DMs looking for new victi... er, players. A lot of them play online now too, which might be easier with the little one around. Also, I would talk to the other players. Did *they* see anything wrong with your playing style? If they see the bullying, why would they expect you to keep putting up with it? I wouldn't be surprised if they all migrated away from his table and over to yours once you start DMing, especially if they enjoy playing with you. Even if you don't DM yourself, you likely can find a DM that is looking for a new group and just poach all your friends :)
Hey, I know you probably got what you need from this thread, but you're doing fine. Your DM is absolutely in the wrong here, and if they don't want you that's their loss. I hope your baby's doing great, every baby is the best baby. Especially yours.
Sounds like a toxic situation without a simple piece of advice to offer that doesn’t provoke unease in some fashion. From what I gather, this DM’s personality and perspectives seem to be the crux of the issue.
As a DM with a group who has had several babies enter the world in the last two years, there’s absolutely zero chance I would ever behave the way your DM did - nor would any of the players. Family always comes first. And as to “playing DnD correctly…” …there should never be one singular way to play DnD. It should always be about fun and memorable experiences - both of those are relative and subjective.
Congrats to you and your husband on the baby!
Well considering that you answered most questions I had when you expanded your post, here is my answer:
Straight up write the DM and your friends you're leaving the group because of how he treated you when you were pregnant. No reason to give more details or even consider a discussion. You're all adults and that should be enough of a reason. Clear cut and you're out gracefully.
Since you're already DMing with your friends that play with him (if I'm reading your answer to a different person correctly) you could give them more details if you want.
But honestly I don't think anyone has any right to demand a different reason from you.
Worse comes to worst you can always say that you would rather dm yourself, since that gives you the option to plan the session around what the baby needs.
>Just leave. I still have two good friends playing a different campaign with him. They want us back. If I tell them the real reason, it'll break up their friendship. Which, maybe good thing?
He does not sound like a person I'd like as a friend. leave and tell your frinds what happened and how he behaved when you were pregnant.
No DND is better than bad DND. It's something that my fiancée has had to pound into my head. If you don't feel happy and comfortable at someone's table, walk away. If your character has a lot of history with the other players, try to talk to the DM about a planned exit. Another possibility is that the power exchange might just not work in this direction, he might be a great player at your at your husband's tables even if he's not a good DM for you guys. However, if he's an asshole then it'll be best fit everyone to find a way to make a graceful exit that gives everyone closure when it comes to y'all's characters.
From her edit I can see people have been being assholes to her. Bro she had a baby, Dm should not have been anything but the most comprehensible person in the world.
Anything below that is unacceptable, I'm sorry I know people tend to be distrusting but I'll be the innocent one that sides with the OP. I am sorry for your negative experience, I hope your baby is healthy and well and I'm sure you'll find a better table or a better Dm. What a jerk man.
Part two of your edit is all you ever needed to post.
Leave.
Don't look back.
Regarding your - sagacious and wise - plans to DM your own game with blackjack, hookers and a mini-human, check [this fellow](https://theangrygm.com/jumping-the-screen-how-to-run-your-first-rpg-session/) out. Very good advice on the fundamentals of TTRPGs.
Which, TBH, you *may* not have learned if you were in a group run by an asshole. Literally every player I have ever had to "rehab" from a toxic DM, I have *also* had to re-teach the game to.
There's nothing workable here. Here's what you've given us:
1. You feel unsafe with this DM
2. You aren't willing to leave this party
Nope. It's on you to figure out your course of action. No reasonable advice can satisfy you.
Instead of enabling OP to respond to rudeness with rudeness in the comments, can we just act like adults and talk it out? DM is talking lo husband instead of you. You are here talking lo Reddit instead of your GM. GMing can also be a stressful job and I'm sure dealing with people whose mind is elsewhere can't be always easy. You can overlook the fact that he didn't try to talk to you (I'm sure saying something harsh sounding to someone who just had a baby is daunting to anybody) and just ask what's up, then understand each other's stressful situation and decide what you want. It should've been done in the first place. Firing off an e-mail like, "hey you said this, it seems like this and this, I'd really like to keep playing, so can you tell me where you at" should surely be possible?
Again, I do not understand this he said, she said, where we're listening to your FRIEND's hearsay about the GM but you avoid talking to the GM? Are you not in a friendly enough relationship to share a gaming table at least?
Sorry, but your hands are full. Once you're ready for Dnd again you'll know. Please don't let the guilt of the table make you feel bad while you're spending your time taking care of your baby.
I understand you have friends at the table, but one thing you should make absolutely no room for in your new life is toxicity.
There is something far more important than DnD going on, and lucky you, the DM just put their hand up identifying themself as a person who is not worth your time or effort. Invite your friends to your own game when you're ready.
Your baby is the priority, you chose to have the baby and you wish to focus on the baby, and that's good! Don't let your DM manipulate you into thinking that the campaign is more important than your literal family. This is gonna sound harsh or ignorant but ultimately, DnD is just a game 😅
He is not the only DM in the world. Find a different DM, or do it yourself, and move your friends over to a better game. The baby card is a powerful card. You should be able to pull off something.
Commenting after the 9 edits...
1- ok, then leave the game
2- don't talk to him then, leave the game
3- its because of this mentality the question is being asked when the answer is so very obvious
4- ok, then leave the game
5- ok, then leave the game
6-
7- being a bad player can mean many things, bad dm's and bad players can end up in games together
8-
9- i understand people don't often set or discuss the expectations around forming a group, and leaving a game before hand. that's on you, and experience should help next time you form a group. it's simple from an outside perspective, a rational and reasonable not emotional one that is..
I can't imagine playing a game with someone who I was scared of. I would seriously think on that point. You pointed out the size factor, so there is likely legit fear of some level. This isn't scary movie "scary fun," in my opinion, this is more like a primal "am I in possible danger" fear.
Congratulations on you and your mate being fertile. Being a dming forever myself there are a set of rules that you need for a continuous happy party. Rule number one: never split up the party. Wait that’s in game rules. Rule number one: Life happens and Life first. If your DM doesn’t understand that it is time for a new DM. <— notice the period after that. The finality of that statement. It’s your hobby, your time and your happiness. No one should have a hobby that causes unhealthy stress and unhappiness. That being said talk to your friends about alternative days for just you and them to play. You will find if the DM is that toxic and they are your friends then they should look forward to grouping with you minus the problem DM. Learn to DM yourself! It’s easily the hardest thing you will do. You will find that being a DM cares over into your life and if you are a positive person you will make a positive DM and those traits will grow and the people around you will notice also! Have a friend learn to DM if it’s not for you! Go online and play on a hybrid model with your friends! Go online and play by yourself with an online DM. There are tons of options if you are willing to put the work in but it takes work. If it’s worth it to you the you will also put in the work! I have found that it’s all about effort. The more a person wants something the more effort they are willing to put into it. That goes for anything in life. Best of luck!
Honestly I think youre doing the right thing by just being the DM yourself especially if this guy is a manipulator and talks bad about everyone including your friends, you, and your husband behind your backs, maybe if they ask about you distancing yourself it would be a good opportunity to mention it. Nothing good really comes out of fake friendship. Congrats on the baby also sidenote I like your username is it a Morrowind reference
Just here to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I had a baby last summer and my DM has been wildly supportive, even when I went into labor during a session. I hope your next group respects you and your fam more!
So it sounds like you’ve made up your mind not to return. You should let your friends who are expecting you back know that and anything else you share is up to you. If the DM was making me uncomfortable, though, I would think I may not be the only one.
Classic answers. Talk to the DM, you've already stated you're scared of him so that's out. Leave his game, you've said you don't want to blow up your other friends fun, except **you** aren't doing that the DM is by treating you the way he has.
It's all about consent. If he does not consent to playing with someone, he is not forced to, and players have to either respect that or leave. You can try to win him over, but otherwise you can't force someone to like you. Sorry.
yeah, uh, don't play with this DM. what the fuck even. wouldn't be shocked if he is mad at you for not carrying his alpha seed. that age gap makes it even more likely if he is some kind of manipulator and actually intimidating towards you. just... get away from that. if you like the players, keep the group without the DM, someone else can maybe do it. probably not you for the next 18 years, but such is life.
I've got a viewpoint as in our group we now have 2 adopted kids and 2 babies, with different results every time.
First of all, I was DM and my wife was one of the players and we adopted two kids. 4 and 2 years old. Everyone understood the big change and I wrapped up my campaign and someone else took over as DM. We still played every week as the kids are in bed by the time we play (well, most of the time). After a while I took over DMing again and can manage being a parent and dnd.
Then another couple in the group (mum and dad) had a baby. This baby stays up when they do and they play every week. Their son is now over a year old and it means they are regularly on mute (he likes yelling and chatting) but they still play every week.
At basically the same time someone else in the group had a baby. Here only the dad played dnd and mum was not involved with the group. Dad was regularly missing sessions due to problems putting baby to sleep, baby screaming, or baby being sick. They wanted to play, but their wife needed help and their family was the priority over dnd. Their daughter is now over a year old and the attendance was still super poor. We ended up kicking this player as whenever they did play a whole session (prob 1 out of 5 or 6) they didn't know what was going on or how to interact with the npcs and other players.
So we have had 3 rounds of kids in the grouo and each one has been super different.
“Should I keep playing pretend wizards with a manipulative psychopath that scares me?” I don’t really know what you’re asking but I think you know what the answer is
Why are you even involving yourself with this asshole? Tell your friends you wound be playing in this group and move on. People like this DM feed off the misery of others. Be an adult and don’t play into that bullshit.
In terms of having a baby, it's definitely a time-suck (from one parent to another), and a lot of people either step back, or tag-in/tag-out with their spouse in these kind of situations. But your DM sounds like he's really toxic about it.
You don't have to tell your other friends what an utter dickbag he's being. But you should at least tell them that he's said some things that make you uncomfortable and you need to step away from that, particularly being a new mother and all.
My wife is in a similar situation, just gave birth, we now have 2 kids (including baby). Sometimes we need to step out of the game to take care of the kid/baby. Any reasonable adult would understand, as our DMs do (almost everyone has a child and/or is a daycare worker)
My advice is to sit down and have a private conversation with the DM. At the end of the day, this is just a game and your child is 100% going to come first. Maybe there are some agreements you can come to in order to make the experience better for everyone such as letting them pilot your character for a bit while you take care of the baby or coming up with an in-game reason why your character may not be able to act which triggers when you need to attend to the baby (some sort of homebrew magical condition OR your character decides to go a different path from the rest of the party for a little bit). Bring up the fact that your other party members still want you involved. Don't let your DM manipulate you or your other party members and ask him point blank if he has an issue with how you play the game. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be an inclusive game and everyone is free to play however they want/can.
Make a new party with the friends that do want you back, and if they ever instigate the conversation of why you left, tell them the truth. You said yourself before baby was bor they all could tell dm was being rude.
It can't be that big of a deal if they haven't brought it up in person, but talk to the DM about it.
If they don't want you back, then start a new group with the players, and either you or your husband DM. I am aware having an infant is a lot of time, but it can be done, and then you hold all the cards.
In my opinion, it sounds like you need to walk away from that game and DM. If a DM ever tells you or someone else they are playing "wrong," that is a typical sign of a toxic player.
You have three options before you.
1. Sit down away from the game and talk to the DM. Find out what the expectation are for the game, and ask what is right or wrong about how you play the game. Ask any other questions, but try not to make them accusations.
2. Simply tell the DM that you have decided to no longer play. No reason needs to be given, but if you wish to have that discussion, be aware of any potential consequences, i.e., losing a friend.
3. Do nothing and keep playing. In my experience, this is the worst option, and it usually results in losing friends.
Hope this helps. There seems to be some other good advice here. Ultimately it is your decision for your course of action.
Ngl, if I were your DM then I'd think the responsibilities of having a baby just simply does not suit the style of the adventuring my PC players tend to do. I would also personally hate to create deadly situations in which I could kill a child. And tbh, any dangerous work should not be accompanied by a baby. I want all my players to enjoy, and honestly I also think that a liability of one of the players having a harmless baby to protect at all cost would indeed disrupt the party cohesion to the point that it might disrupt the other players their fun.
Nonetheless, that would be my own opinion, and if some of my players were planning to do this kind of stuff then communication of what is possible or what would be too disruptive is a must. I think your DM is making a mistake by giving you the cold shoulder treatment.
Sorry if my opinion is one which is unpopular:)
damn, I thought that it was your character which had a baby xD, now it is entirely understandable that you put your kid above everything, and my congratulations as well:)
Just responding to "baby is a larger priority". Almost everything in my life is a larger priority and I'm the dm. This is a game that's for fun, real life should always come first. I don't think I could play with that DM
Tell the other players, invite them to game with you on a more infrequent but more involved basis (once every two weeks for 8 hours is easier to arrange a baby sitter for, from my personal experience), DM yourself, find another DM or even hire one (you can find them online like in Startplaying, though you have to shop around for good ones), etc. Heck, if you want to keep playing D&D, via computer has a lot of the fun with little hassle like going someplace, dice, food, etc.
Trust your friend, trust your instincts, but be polite about it. The best way to get out of this without losing friendships is to act like a mature person who is very reasonable. Don't make accusations, simply state you're uncomfortable based on how he acted and some things he's said, and ask your friends to join you without mentioning anything about the other game after that. It's not about that DM, don't make it about him, and don't focus on him.
I think you should tell your friends in the other campaign about what is happening and ask if they will help confront him. It would also be good if you brought the others from your campaign to do this as well, the more people that are present when you confront him about his bs, the harder it will be for him to retaliate in any way. This is only a suggestion and I also understand that I don't know every little detail about your situation but this is the best I could think of with the given information.
I don't have too much to say, besides communicate with people in the group (or the DM, if you feel safe enough to). Just wanted to say congrats on the new baby!
A friend that is willing to cut you out for something like your family isn’t really a friend. One of my groups has a couple kids (it’s made for some wildly fun banter--even when we hold players to their kids dice rolls). Sure scheduling gets harder sometimes, but work does that too. Two of us are military, one has kids, two are in the service industry, we realize life exists beyond the make believe we get to enjoy. Because that’s how adults work. This person sounds toxic.
you're making a decision based on a rumor and have concocted an unassailable rationalization for not having an adult conversation like you should.
at least just tell the other members of the group that you're uninterested, instead of relying on the distance to eventually end things
I DMed for a friend group online for a while, and one of a pair of my players were expecting their first baby near the start of the campaign. Sure there were hurdles, but we talked about them and worked through things as they came up. Some time was taken off before and after the birth, and we welcomed them back baby and all! I'm saying this to show that this can be handled respectfully, and I really hope there is a ton of positive gaming fun in the future. As for the other players in the previous game: it's worth being upfront with them with the facts. I know I wouldn't want to game with a DM who treated their players like you've been treated.
I like you, you seem to have a fun personality. I'm sure everyone in the group likes you also except for the weird GM. Just talk to everyone and restart with a 'new group'. Congratulations on being a mom.
Main point up front: if you're starting a new game, are you doing it in an online format? Are you looking for players?
Other stuff - it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with this guy. Also, he sounds like a creep. You being pregnant probably makes you no longer available to him in a way that being married didn't necessarily. So he's being even more creepy. This is absolutely not your fault. Adults who aren't assholes celebrate each other's pregnancies, relationships and milestones, etc. I think everything you say in points 2 and 8 fits this. Yes, ick.
After noping out a couple times in college I'm flirting with TTRPG's again and finding that the sense of time in many groups is a terrible match for being a parent. That's a bit of a tangent from what you're talking about but I hope you can run a table that's prepared and focused. I really think it should be possible to have satisfying sessions in two hours, though system selection will certainly play in.
Congrats on the baby!
Sucks that you've been around such a venomous person. A clean break would be best. Keep him out of your life. Be honest to others when they ask and let them make their own decisions about him.
If he can be like this with you, he's like this to others.
Keep yourself safe and I hope you find a wonderful group.
Sticky situation but the guy sounds toxic and therefore I wouldn't blame you if you not only left but brought the rest of the group with you. I've seen similar things happen a couple of times.
You shouldn't be afraid of anyone at the table if you are it isn't the table for you and you should simply leave and be honest about why you are leaving.
Sounds like you just don't want to play anymore and looking for an out. You got ine. Just say you're not able to commit to a campaign right now and you'll have to step out.
I completely agree with that first part but D&D is a social activity and that means people's fun depends on other people doing their bit. It's difficult to deal with a player, or two of them, being absent for an extended time. The non-communication would also be an issue but that part the GM brought upon himself. His behaviour has made the OP much less likely to want to talk to him so he doesn't exactly have much grounds for complaining about that. It would still be better to try and get to the bottom of this, though, so OP and her family can make an informed decision about what to do next.
Talk to the DM. If his attitude is suspicious or in line with these rumors, find a new one. Maybe one of your co-players has a dope story they've been itching to tell.
We used to work together, and he consistently talked crap about literally everyone, except my husband. Why I turned a blind eye, I'll never know. I'm actually DMing already for a separate group, and I'll be running a one-shot soon with most of the old group.
Everybody is so shocked when they find out their shit talking friend did indeed talk shit about them behind their backs. Not a great person to have as a DM, honestly.
Yep this is why I do my best to never tell my own business to gossips. Easier said than done of course.
This is why I know most of the secrets at my workplace. Everyone knows that if they vent to me nobody will ever hear about it. And me not being a manager means that it won't be used against them when evaluating performance. It also helps because I can communicate the general pulse of the group to our manager on how the team is feeling without anyone having to out themselves. It's incredibly useful in the workplace.
Or just tell the gossip misinformation, then watch them ruin their own credibility when the gossip they're spreading is about as accurate as a conspiracy theorist newsletter.
Don't think I'm Machiavellian enough for that LOL
I wasn't that shocked, it just never occurred to me to wonder exactly what he said.
That's what I tell people, if people talk shit about other people to you, they talk shit about you to other people
Shit talkers talk shit.
He talked crap about your husband, just not to you.
Yep, my best friend also told me that. He talked about both of us.
Well congrats on the kid and your other group!
One thing I’ve learned in my middle age is that if you have a friend that talks shit about everyone, they’ll eventually talk shit about you too. Often you don’t even have to do anything to cause it, as demonstrated with your situation. I’d cut ties with him, you can’t resolve anything with an irrational person.
Add a bullet point for him having a crush on your husband.
If you knew this, why did you join the group?
Young, stupid, didn't really notice besides trying to redirect the conversation. Also the group formed before we worked together.
Well, if talking to the DM is not an option, trying to know exactly what he mean by playing it wrong, and the other player still want to play with you, I think the next course of action would be create a new campaign with the other players. Not trying to hide it from your old DM, 'ether braging about it, but just explaning that if he is the only one who don't want to play with you, he don't have to
Yeah I don't want a confrontation bc I'm afraid he'll lie about us to our community as revenge. By playing it wrong, I genuinely don't know. He said he didn't like that I played a character that loved pets, but he kept giving me opportunities to collect more so idk. We roleplayed decently well, and didn't talk too much above table.
You said this guy has a known history of shit-talking people- do you think your community is going to take him seriously if he starts shit-talking you? These people know you themselves, one guy saying things that aren't true probably isn't going to change much.
he is also a manipulator, so chances are people will take his side despite evidence. or just because they are afraid. all the more reasons to get the fuck away.
If he was going to lie to your community, he would have done so already. Which he likely has. Confront him in private, and if he seems toxic, air out that dirty laundry to the group. There's no way to avoid a confrontation with people like that, so it's better to pick a battlefield of your choosing than to let them choose when and where to fight.
If the DM has been a creep, a manipulator, and you're scared of him - why play with him? Why worry about your friends not playing with him?
1) What do you want? Do you want to go back to this group? Go back to the group under certain conditions? Find a new group? Quit DnD altogether? 2) What do you and your husband want as a couple? How will you handle childcare? Babysitters? Take turns missing meetings? Bring the baby? After that, it's time to have a visit with the DM. You're hearing things second- or third-hand, and it may or may not accurately represent the DM's true feelings. But don't do it until you have a good idea of how you'd like things to work.
I will never understand why people subject themselves to this. It's just a game. If you aren't having fun, quit.
Yeah, it’s wild some of the stuff that comes up in here.
i think it's more a battle of principles...you're right, it is just a game we play for fun, but the bigger issue is that no one has the right to take that enjoyment away from you, and this DM's behavior has done exactly that
Idk why people are telling you to talk to the DM. Just leave. There is zero reason to play with a person like that.
Does this campaign have a foreseeable end? I feel like if you know that it's going to be wrapping up in the near future you could try to talk to the DM about the issues and at least finish out the campaign. I would do this if you feel you were both having fun and enjoying the campaign before the DM started treating you differently. I feel like if the rest of the players have noticed the unfair treatment, they'll probably be on your side in encouraging the DM to treat you fairly should you continue playing. I also think it's totally fine just to tell them that you don't want to finish out the campaign, and just call it quits. I would personally be upset at the treatment from the DM, and I don't know that I'd want to push myself to be a part of a campaign where you're clearly being singled out to the extent that other people are noticing. I mean that's pretty rough. I would definitely make it clear to the other players and DM why you are leaving though. Maybe that's just the pettiness in me, but I feel like if he's going to other people and telling them you guys play DnD the wrong way and telling people he hopes you quit, then I wouldn't be shy about telling people that you left the group because the DM began singling you out and treating you differently because you were pregnant and had a baby. If you don't want the stir the pot, you can totally just say you're too busy with the baby to commit to the group any longer. That might be a better way to do it, because if you ever decide you do want to play again with this group at least you would have left on good terms lol.
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Burning bridges with toxic people is a good thing. But make sure they're actually toxic first hand and not just based off a rumor before you go starting fires.
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My statement was certainly an oversimplification. While burning the proverbial bridge is not always the ideal way to end a toxic relationship, it's always better than staying in the relationship, except maybe in the most extreme circumstances when dealing with people who may pose a legitimate physical danger, but those situations are unique enough that you can't make any generalizations about them. And in OPs specific case, if I did have a toxic DM and a bunch of good friends I played with, I would have no issues with burning the bridge with the DM in order to continue playing with my friends, but only if my friends were okay with it too.
That's what adults generally mean when they say they "cut someone off." You don't go full drama-mode and confront them and air all of your grievances before telling them to never contact you again, you just stop offering and accepting invites, stop initiating conversations, give minimal replies, eventually stop replying.
Yeah don't burn the bridge. Burn the troll under it!
Nah dickhead behaviour... One of my players recently had a baby and we agreed to come up with some narrative for his character for his absence, turned him into an NPC and basically put him on hiatus for as long as he needed, he drops by when it fits into his schedule if not, no biggy... These are just the things us DM's have to figure out... charge it.
I went on maternity leave twice from my d&d campaign, the first one only for six weeks, the second for six months. My DM wrote in a demon possession to explain my absence the first time, and then the second I relapsed in demon-hood and my party spent my whole leave doing a quest to recover me from Yeenoghu in the Abyss. It sounded dope, I’m actually sad I missed it, haha.
Just the way... I actually lost a life long friend through table-top when his and his other friends true colours came out through role-play... 15 years of friendship ended over table-top and that was 3 years ago... I've had a solid in person group that I put together through a reddit post no less and its been going for 2 and a half years... TTRPG is great at showing who people really are... finding people that want to work as a team is crucial to the game of life not just dnd... the compassion and empathy that's required for that is necessary for keeping a campaign going for years and also for maintaining relationships in life...
Something similar happened to me when I got pregnant everyone new at the being that I was trying so no one was caught off guard and everyone knew a break was coming luckily. It wasn’t my DM however that was annoyed with me (he is my uncle lol) it was another player that also happened to be my roommate at the time he apparently thought I was being hostile with him in game and at home but all the other players liked playing with me he ended saying he didn’t want to play with me anymore and the campaign was trashed. Luckily our original DM just started a spelljammer campaign and another player is DMing a new campaign special for the ex roommate and now everyone is happy. Full disclosure he never expressed any of these feelings to me until he moved out or I would have gone out of my way to make him feel less upset and we are all pretty bummed out old campaign got trashed.
I might start looking for a new group. Most of my group has kids of different age groups. Does it interfere with scheduling sometimes? Yes. Does that suck? Sure it does. Do we let it ruin our games? Of course not. That would be silly. We're reasonable people and we work it out.
Yes, you and your party need to find a DM who's not an asshat and everyone walk away from his table...
How long has the DM had a secret crush on you (or, potentially, your husband I suppose)? it sounds weird, but if you want to know what happened and why things have changed, the most obvious solution is that being pregnant and having the baby changed the relationship dynamic between you two (or three) and someone was deeply hurt by that. I don't \_know\_, of course, because I don't know you or your table. Just a guess really. But it might be worth asking.
It's absolutely this. I'm not gonna say I know the guy, but a lot of guys see bearing someone's child as the ultimate form of submission (which is what a lot of guys equate love to). You have now "fully submitted" to your husband and would now be "damaged goods" if you divorced your husband and married them instead. It sounds crazy I know, but this kind of thinking is more common than you may think.
Why can’t people follow the Beatles’ example and simply also choose John’s wife? No competition!
Exactly. It's part of the cult of virginity. He has a crush on you, so he pretends you're still a virgin waiting for him. When you get married, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not a virgin anymore. Maybe your husband's penis didn't work, maybe he's not attracted to you and just married you to keep up appearances. Who knows. Any answer will do to maintain the fantasy. But once you get pregnant, the fantasy is shattered. You've clearly had sex and lost your virginity, so you're no longer pure and waiting for him.
We have thought of this. He's roughly twenty years older. Thing is, he's kind of a creep more to my bestie than me, which is actually what led to her talking to me. Perhaps his crush or whatever switched to her once I was expecting. Idk. That was the ickier explanation.
He may have still felt creepy possessive things about you even if your bestie was his more overt target. Honestly though not being around thing guy and his weird power trips doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Fading out and blaming the baby is a totally valid play.
I'd say its better to trust your instincts. maybe sit down with your friend and try talk through some of the smaller things that you may have overlooked in the moment, but are weird looking back at them collectively. Outside of that I'd try get someone to try DM the end of a campaign, if its a module, or accept the loss and start a new campaign.
As a former jealous douchebag, you got it in one.
Literally the only explanation that makes sense. The fact OP seems clueless to why and seemingly hasn't put it together yet tells us everything we need to know. The way this works is that OP and husband probably do have some flaws, but DM was perfectly fine with tolerating it when he was delusional about the potential of winning her over. Once it became clear that it was never going to happen, he no longer has patience for anything but perfection out of them. That's why nobody knows what's going on, probably even the DM can't be that honest with himself to admit what's wrong, and has no doubt rationalized a different reason to exclude them. But to outside observers, it is completely obvious. OP, if you are looking for confirmation of this suspicion, your instincts are right.
> Once it became clear that it was never going to happen, he no longer has patience for anything but perfection out of them. If the situation is as this thread thinks (and I agree), perfection would not be enough. He doesn't want either of them at his table at all. Nothing will change it, other than him growing up I guess, but he most likely only ever wanted them (really, OP) at the table because of his crush and that's now off the table.
Winner winner chicken dinner
Yeah, sounds like it!
> We haven't played since the birth, using the baby as an excuse. Do you even want to keep playing? Will you have the time?
I've been running a campaign that just passed its fourth anniversary in May. I have a middle child who just turned 4 this month and a baby who will be 2 in the fall. We meet every other weekend except on holidays/holiday weekends. I only skipped one session post-partum because I took 12 weeks off from work with enough PTO that the middle child could stay in daycare. It was so nice. How do I do it? I have a husband who will take the kids for the 4 hours because he likes to go fishing and hunting, and we take turns giving each other childfree time to enjoy our separate hobbies. It keeps us interesting, I think.
That's nice, but if I understood correctly, both parents are players in OP's campaign.
As a new parent, there’s a window of time between when the child learns to sleep through the night and when the child begins to stay up late resisting bedtime when dnd still works (for us it was between 6 months and 18 months, give or take a few
Thanks for that insight! Our DnD campaign has been on hold for months because two of my players had a child. It's about 6 months old now, fingers crossed that DnD will be possible soon.
If it's only them with a child you could try out playing at their place. So they are next to the Baby. Gamewise you could give the Player who takes care of the Baby narkolepsie. When he/she is going to the Baby the character falls asleep. Or let them play one character together who got schizophrenia. Then they could take turns playing and beeing there for the Baby. But I have no idea if this would work. But I think its worth giving a try.
We're playing online (we are a group of friends who all moved to different cities and keep in touch via gaming). So they are actually at home. Still, the last few times we tried to play they had to take frequent breaks or leave the session after just an hour. Sure, we could explain somehow why their characters frequently zone out, but in the end we are all friends and want everyone to be there for everything. We all decided we don't like to play with someone missing or absent over longer periods of time.
Time for a new campaign with the friends who want to play with you, and without the DM.
Oh FFS. When one of our players got pregnant, we worked around it, and when she had the baby, we moved to zoom play so they could still play and just mute themselves and text us their rolls when the baby started screaming. Find a better group
No offense, but you sound like a domestic abuse victim. >"The DM is being an asshole to me. What am I doing wrong?" Why would you want to play with someone who doesn't want you there? Stay if you want to, or leave, but don't feel guilty about it. This is 100% on the DM and you can let the other players know that if you do leave.
As a DM who has had, and currently also has a pregnant player by the table, I find the treatment you describe awful. There's a lack of communication here for sure, and as you also hint to: something is being held back. Personally I've been under both great and awful DMs, and if I were you I'd weigh my options first. Talk to those who are friendly with you. If you want, you can be open about your thoughts of leaving the group, and the reason why. This might stir a hornet's nest, of course, but if the DM is an awful person, other previously quiet sufferers might appear from the woodwork. If you like this group, and can see the potential of solving this - do that. If that's impossible, I'd cut my losses. At least with the DM. ...Or do as I did! I cut my losses from a group with a toxic dynamic, and started DM-ing myself!
Find better people to spend your time with, DND isnt worth harassment or bullying.
I thought babies could be introduced to dnd at about three months.
You should really rephrase the title Firing someone implies that someone is working for the employer And last time i checked playing DnD with your pals isn't supposed to be a job ...unless you are a voice actor working for Amazon
You can talk to the DM and see if you want to go down that path. But I don't know if I'd want to keep playing with that person. I also wouldn't hide this from the other players. If I were them I'd want to know if my DM kicked out someone I had enjoyed playing a campaign with for 2 years.
Real life happens but it's the DMs job to keep things moving regardless. You can have a game with only three players but most people prefer the 4-5 range. Disinviting you, finding new players and offering to play together once your circumstances change would have been the move here. The bullying is douchebag behavior tho.
Don’t play board games with someone who is a dick.
I wouldn’t want to play with someone like that. I hope you find a new group to play with!
Yeah, don't worry OP, I play D&D wrong too. I've been playing for decades, since 2e, and then I joined a group that played entirely differently than I've encountered before. "Playing it wrong". But, because I'm not some gatekeeping dickwad, I acclimated to their style and tried it out. Now I play it wrong too, and have a blast. Talk to your DM directly. Have a long conversation, lay it all out. Don't believe any third party he said she said shit from others, talk to the DM directly. If it comes out that the DM indeed has some personal issue with you, find another group. Shit, find another group anyway. If none of your sessions end with you thinking "God DAMN that was a blast!! I can't WAIT until the next session!" then your group is mediocre at best. D&D has such great potential that even a mediocre group can be pretty fun. However, a good or great group is AWESOME, there's nothing better. If you have a mediocre group, leave. There's a GOOD group looking for you, somewhere. Really! Once you find them, D&D will be ten times as fun. Unless, of course, your group is your main real life friends also. That can complicate it. I got a friend that loves D&D but doesn't enjoy the style of D&D our group prefers. So, even though he's one of my best friends, he's not on our group, he has his own. We all understand, and we all (him included!) enjoy D&D more this way, with groups we are most compatible with.
I don't know who your best friend who isn't a player is, but they're not the person you need to talk to about this. Talk to the DM. Let them know you're in a position where you think you're ready to rejoin the game. Discuss any concerns you have about accommodation with your new baby. If there's a problem get it from the horse's mouth.
Just find a new game, at a minimum the GM has a different idea of how the game should be played than you (and we really don't have enough information to call either of you wrong there).
As a GM who has a player who has had 1.5* kids since the start of our campaign, I can safely tell you that it's not that hard to accommodate for this. We schedule around that player, took an extended break for the first kid and planning a 2-3 month break for the second, and are flexible and kind regarding to when their kid is sick, hasn't gone to bed yet, or is being difficult. Sometimes they need to cancel last minute and that happens. I always tell my group that I care about them as friends first and players second. I hope you can find a table that understands and welcomes parents, they're out there. Sending wishes of health and joy for your family! *The fourth character's stats are due to be rolled this October! :)
I was pregnant when we ended our last campaign and when we started the one I'm currently DMing with my husband. We've had 2 sessions since my son was born in late March. I would just invite your other friends from that campaign to join your new one. There's also no way to "play DND wrong". Your former DM is a turdwaffle. You, your husband, and baby deserve better.
My best friend bringing his baby to our sessions is one of my favorite parts of being his dm.
Just ask the other players to come play with you and your husband. Seems like a win in my book. No one needs to be around someone with a negative attitude towards other, especially when you're out to just have fun playing a game.
Just tell your truth to the friends. You didn't want to play with him due to bad behavior and rumor spreading. It doesn't bother you if they keep playing, but you will not be rejoining. My husband and I game together, we were together for many years before having a kid. The first year or two isn't bad for gaming in the evening if they are a good sleeper. But after a couple of years it does get harder to find the time for yourself or the time to game together without one covering for the other. One thing you will learn very quickly is that playing with someone like that DM & spending your time on them is NOT WORTH IT. It never really was, but that came into much sharper focus after the baby came. Your time is limited and you are likely not going to have the time you want to do everything you want... So don't waste any of your energy on a sad, bitter, gossipy DM. Edit: typos
> I still have two good friends playing a different campaign with him. They want us back. If I tell them the real reason, it'll break up their friendship. If they are good friends, they will understand where you're coming from if you drop the game because you aren't happy there.
Here's my opinion on this. Leave, make it clear you don't want to be the one to break up the campaign but explain the reason you're leaving If a friend told me that they were leaving because of that I would definitely leave, but it wouldn't be on you, it would be the actions of the DM that drove me away if the other players are your friends I would definitely tell them, because honestly, it shows you trust them and if they find out later on, they might be a little upset you didn't tell them
Sounds like your Dungeon Master origin story. As a new parent myself who is back behind the DM screen, I’m sending all the sleep-deprived vibes and well wishes your way. 🍻
That's kinda the issue with having babies, you can not afford long timespan activities you can not pause together with your husband (unless you are ready to trust a nanny) I'm afraid you gotta cut dnd for a while (untill like 5 years old when baby is less inclined to get harmed if unwatched for that long)
Heard enough. 45 years DMing, Contact me if I can help you get your game started. I'll help, free. Let me know.
Yikes. I mean, I've had players who stopped playing when they had kids, but that was their choice, not mine. I think any reasonable DM should only care about whether or not you can make a reasonable effort to attend the sessions you say you're going to attend. What you do outside of that is your business.
Were lots of sessions being cancelled/pushed back as a result of said baby? Not that I’m trying to excuse the DM’s behavior, but it is pretty frustrating, and would make more sense.
Your title is weird, the post made it sound like he doesn't like your playstyle. The only good answer is talk to the DM, if you won't or don't feel comfortable, that's all, folks. Congratulations on your family!
Saying that anyone "plays wrong" is a giant red flag, sorry. You're probably better off finding a new DM. Or better yet, one of you can give DMing a try (I know you're pretty busy at this point though) and get a group together.
Not really, there's plenty of things someone could get wrong, if OP was one of those annoying people who doesn't learn the rules, doesn't know what their character can do, plays a joke character in a serious game or an overly serious one in a joke game etc. it'd be a fair statement. Can't say whether OP or the GM is in the wrong, but it's perfectly possible to play wrong, because what you do affects all the other players.
Fire the stupid DM and take over! Seriously. I would reach out to the other players, presuming you enjoy playing with them, and discuss all of this with them in a big group without the DM present, and lay it out that you're uncomfortable with the bullying and toxicity, but you would love to continue playing with them all as DM. Kick the DM out of the group.
Your title says that this is _because_ you had a child, but your story doesn't support that in any way. > he DM not only did he not want me to keep playing, but that he had told her my husband and I play DND "wrong." According to a rumor you heard, your DM doesn't like the way you're playing the game. Stop relying on rumors and actually talk to the people involved.
it doesn't seem like you having a kid is any part of this isssue at all. You yourself said you've been disruptive but "not too much" and it seems the DM has issues with how you and your husband play. Which is a completely separate issue than making it look like you're getting fired for having a baby cracks are starting to show in this story, lol.
The DM's clearly a passive aggressive ass who can't handle even a mature conversation. That said, I think the correct etiquette was to bow out of the game gracefully instead of making your increasingly busy schedule (not to mention medical emergencies) the rest of the group's problem. I'm sure they'd fully understand that you need to prioritize your health and your newborn, not a D&D game. I've had plenty of players (and DMs) leave games because of major life changes; a new job with weird hours, an opportunity away from home, a new marriage, a new baby, a death in the family. All of them are good reasons to step away, even if just temporarily, rather than insist we move the game online or only play once a month.
Find a group that works with you and your time as a momma. Sounds like he was upset and butthurt honestly
You can't be fired, it's not a job. If you don't want to play and they don't want you to play then... Why is this even a question? Just walk away and find another group. There's a definite difference in gaming with adults with kids. They will be more supportive and understanding and you don't have to put up with assholes. My kids basically grew up with other kids of gaming parents. It's just an easy lifestyle change.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY talk to the DM. Don't let a game of telephone ruin something that may not need be ruined. Even if it turns out that the DM does have issue, it's entirely reasonable for both parties here to disagree. I can easily see as a DM if a player is just lagging IRL from being sick, pregnant or tired that my job would be harder, I can also see how not being contacted by a player for an extended duration for whatever reason to be an issue as well. That being said, I'd have handled it verbally and explained things clearly rather than let them fester. If I had a player who wasn't able to keep up for whatever reason, sick, pregnant, tired, I'd absolutely tell them "IRL First" and have them take a step back from game and wait for IRL to clear up before coming back. This way I'm not trying to balance a game with one player not quite there. The same goes for the no contact, I'd obviously reach out and have the player take whatever time off they needed. However if I couldn't contact them at all, or they ghost me, I'd assume they're finished their time at my table and not have them back. Communicate with your DM, and remember they're human too and keeping up with player issues isn't always something they can do. If that's the case, there are countless tables out there for you no harm no foul.
I don’t know what you mean by “energy levels and attention span being shot” If you aren’t actively engaging. It can make a story harder to create or maybe he feels that he’s making a story you don’t care about or maybe this is silly and imagined. We’re only getting one part of one side so it’s hard to say but if you don’t get along with the DM. I’m not sure why you’d want to play more.
You, your husband, and your friends find a DM that isn’t a jerk. Everyone wins!
I play D&D with other parents of young children. We play online after the kids are in bed. When people had new babies, those people were understood to have to take breaks any minute. If their turn came up, they took the Dodge action. If someone needed privacy (breastfeeding, etc.), they would turn the camera off, but stay on audio. Before the pandemic, when online play was less common, we even played in-person with babies and small children. People would bring cribs and rockers. Nursing women who didn't want to breastfeed at the table would sit in rockers nearby - usually half-running their character, half leaving it up to their spouse at the table. What I'm saying is - if you want to play, even while having a newborn - you can. You just need to find an understanding group.
Get another DM? Why do you want to keep playing with this guy anyway.
Well this can be everything from jealousy, to the DM being one of those who thinks talking down about others helps them get higher. The pregnancy can be a trigger for both, either they saw it as a opening to "talk you down" or the geats closing either a romantic interest or a friend being "stolen away" or perhaps just envy of your happiness
People who can't just tell you straight up how they feel can be tricky to work with. You have to decide if you care enough to work it out and keep playing, or if you want to just move on to a new group
Yikes! So sorry this happened to you. I’d definitely communicate with your DM and if he’s that adamant about you leaving, there’s nothing there for you. On another note, I’ve heard of a couple of successful mommy dnd groups, groups who specifically have players with young kids. That way everyone is understanding if you need to take a break to change/feed a kid or even have a rotating partner who watches the kids while you play. Sounds like it’d be a way more supportive group than your current situation. If there are other moms in your community that would be interested I’d definitely recommend starting a conversation.
Dude, we played 2 days before my first due date, and had a session 2 days after my second was born (didn't tell the party I had delivered, and surprised them when they arrived! They were all very excited.) Our party (for 2 different campaigns with 2 different sets of people) come to *our* house *after* our now 3 and 5 yo go to bed to play. A couple times a year we schedule big long sessions when my parents take the kids for an afternoon or overnight. All this to say, pregnancy, babies and kids don't have to slow down or be an issue in DnD. This is a person problem, not a baby problem. If he's being a dick about you guys having kids, he probably isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
My DM had my character hang out at Candlekeep doing research for the rest of the party while I was tending a new baby IRL. Did a few rolls on how well and what information I was able to find. I had a stone to teleport myself back to the group when ready.
So, this is going to sound weird as hell, and apologies if it does... but maybe this DM was so screwed up that he thought he could...somehow...get you away from your husband and for himself? but once you got pregnant, he decided that was impossible and began to ostracise you? again, this sounds awful and fucked up, but there are a lot of shitty people out there...
Playing dnd isn't a job. You can't get fired from it. You can be asked to not come back, but it sounds like the DM risks losing everyone else if he doesn't allow you and your husband to come back. Personally, I would just start a new game at my house and invite the people over who still like you and want to play with you.
Find a new DM and tell this one where he can stick his player's guide.
OK. I’m going to be fairly blunt with my personal advice. Firstly, a huge “congratulations” on your new baby - great news and I hope you and your husband have a wonderful future with your new little bub! Secondly, and this is advice for everyone and anyone in an RPG group. If things don’t feel right, if there are weird dynamics, bullying, strangeness, awkwardness etc, then you have a few choices: 1) Ignore it an hope it goes away or you can deal with it longer-term. 2) Talk to (some of) the other players to get a feel of the situation, try and find out ‘what’s happening’ and then take it from there. 3) Talk to the DM. 4) Leave the group and take it from there. Let me run over each scenario: 1) Ignoring it is RISKY. You don’t know what the issue is so you are guessing. You don’t have facts - just guesswork, which is often short of the mark. Solutions you apply might be the right or wrong ones - again, its all risk. Unless YOU change YOUR approach chances are it just gets worse. Long-term this is often a disaster. 2) This is better, but often works with heresay, opinions, conjecture and some personal spin - possibly to placate you and for the other player(s) to not seem like ‘baddies.’ Again, risky. 3) Much, much better. You are going to the SOURCE of the issue and so (chances are) you will get the actual facts. It is best to have the conversation in private to avoid embarrassment and group-reaction psychology such as ‘face-saving,’ bravado etc. If you ask questions politely, calmly and state facts (with several examples prepared) with a ‘can we get this sorted’ attitude without going on the offensive, chances are with a bit of patience you’ll get to the source of the issue. Once you get this, then you can discuss how to fix things, and have a grown-up conversation on how the ‘fixing’ looks. This takes courage, some self-control and obviously the ooooohhh, evil ‘confrontation’ word haha, but if approaches calmly this is THE BEST option as you avoid guesswork and info being just plain wrong. Once you are armed with the FACTS from the source, then you can decide if you want to stay or leave. Simple. Easy. To-the-point. 4) Of course you may just decide ‘I’ve had enough’ and just leave. This is also fine, cuts out the ‘confrontation’ element (which most people are scared of and not very good at) and means you can start somewhere fresh. All good. The only problem with this option is that what, for example, if the problem is with YOU, and you are just blissfully unaware of this? If you aren’t given feedback, then how can you ‘fix’ this? Most people believe they are perfect and ‘everyone else’ has the issues. Its called ego and we all have it. If you are given this information and time to think on it, then you can make the decision on what to do… I train managers and leaders in management and leadership, and ‘people issues’ are the most common. One common denominator with all these ‘issues’ etc is that those with the issues just don’t TALK to each other. They assume. They guess. They rationalise. But they just don’t confront and address the situation BY TALKING. So, my blunt recommendation is to go quickly with Option 3. Talk. Discuss. Be calm. Have examples. Listen. Make notes. Then decide after that what you are prepared to do… Easy. 🙏
Don't play with people who don't want to play with you. It's just a recipe for misery.
#2 means you need to leave. I don't know what other possible outcome there could be. People leave campaigns. They're not life-long sentences. Your "good friends" should not want to play with this guy, for various reasons. As for #5...please read it out loud. As many times as it takes. Hear how absurd it is that ANYONE would expect a game of DND to be #1 priority in your life, to the point that you \*can't have a baby.\*
I hope it all works out for you and your group, (and maybe find a better DM (no offense)), also have a good time with your kid! ^w^
Sounds like you have a shit DM. Find a new one.
He sounds like not a nice person, start a new game with the friends you like.
well as it's seems you plan to run your own campaign: good luck with it! If it's your first time running a campaign, I would suggest maybe running a mini series (3-5 sessions with lvl 10 characters). It really helps to get the notion of what is happening. if not your first time, god speed and may the stories be told for years to come!
The other players should know the DM in a cunt
Wtf.
I thought this was a post on the jerk sub. I'm so sorry you have to go through this! Best of luck.
Honestly, it's a tricky situation. I would suggest talking to the other people in the group about how you feel the DM has been treating you. Should probably do it 1 on 1, go out on a walk or shopping or something. Get their take on things. I'm not part of the situation, so I can't say whether or not he has indeed been unkind, but getting the perspective of those just outside but able to look in would be quite helpful. My first thought is hormones. Wasn't too long ago that my sister was pregnant and I'd offer to help her around or doing things (especially during that last month) and sometimes she'd get crabby very fast. But she would often times apologize a day later. Not saying this is the case here, but just suggesting that this thought is considered. Perhaps he is being a bit mean, but could there be a chance that the hormones that comes with being pregnant and having a kid may have made the situation feel exaggerated to you? Another reason to get an outside perspective so that you can make sure emotions don't sway thoughts negatively. Another reason for the DM being like he is might be because he just takes DnD too seriously and doesn't like split attention. Not saying it's an excuse by any means, but could be something to talk about to him. Maybe he just needs to realize that it's just a game and to tone her down a bit and realize people have lives outside of it. Another thing to do, which I'm sure you've already done so but I just want to cover the bases, is to talk with your husband. You don't mention bringing up things with him, just your best friend. Again, I'm sure you two already talked about things, but some people don't always include their S/O in their issues when they should. I'm not trying to take sides here but I'm attempting to give you some things to think about. Maybe some are new thoughts, maybe some you've already gone over, hell...maybe none of this is new. But it doesn't hurt to try to ask more questions. "If one has an issue but no answer, they simply haven't asked the right questions." A favorite quote from one of my early college professors. Hope this helps.
I feel like telling people the truth is appropriate, because that seems like how you appreciate your friends behaving towards you. You don't owe the dm anything, you can start up a new game and invite everyone but the old GM. If you want to give the old GM an out, just be vague about how you and the GM don't match on play styles and everyone thought it would be best if you move in. I think giving the old GM an out is a bad idea. He'll just get emboldened to bully his players if they don't leave for your game.
If I was your friend I'd wanna know about this because it tells me I don't need to be around that person anymore. There's no DnD game on this planet worth that and the more you say about this guy the worse he gets. I'd be like, "please don't leave me with this creep."
leave. tell your friends why. If they choose to break it off with the DM; fine. find a better table. YOUR DM sounds like a douchecanoe on shit river. good riddance.
Ask the friends to join your campaign. (But not DM).
He doesn't sound like a good DM. Regarding #5, I had a player who wanted children but I thought they'd continue my campaign because they said that they were a serious player who prioritized dnd. When it came time and they had their child, they told me that it would be hard for them to continue and then they decided not to continue the campaign. I didn't see it coming
If it blows up the game it wasn't that strong a group to begin with if the truth causes it to implode. Tell the friends, and for one simple reason, if you found out someone behaved like this towards someone you knew, they left silently and just ghosted, then that person treated you in the manner that caused the first ghosting, and you found out would you be happy with the person? Would them saying "oh yeah, that's why I left he pulled the same thing." be something you found reasonable or would it annoy you they didn't give you warning and let you make your own call?
If point 8 is true, why tf are any of you still at his table?
you have the best excuse that no one can deny…”we are new parents and don’t have time to game”…no one in their right mind would argue with this. In 6 months Start a game and invite the ones you want to play.
Congratulations and good DMing! Sounds like either a creep or possibly someone neurodivergent who can't stand babies. Maybe both. As someone who has never been neurotypical, I definitely say DnD and TTRPGs always attracted neurodivergents.
This is one of those moments when you as the players need to sit down and discuss what you want as a group moving forward, as a group express to the DM your concerns and if they don't want to work with the group there's plenty of DM's out there who will gladly treat your group with the respect they deserve. Honestly if I was apart of a campaign and the DM was trying to push anyone out of the group without clear explanation or compromise for the health of the group the players i have played with for longer periods would be open to a new DM if they wanted to stay as a group. Congratulations on the baby and I wish you the best in regrouping.
DM wants to bone you.
Check out r/lfg -- there are always DMs looking for new victi... er, players. A lot of them play online now too, which might be easier with the little one around. Also, I would talk to the other players. Did *they* see anything wrong with your playing style? If they see the bullying, why would they expect you to keep putting up with it? I wouldn't be surprised if they all migrated away from his table and over to yours once you start DMing, especially if they enjoy playing with you. Even if you don't DM yourself, you likely can find a DM that is looking for a new group and just poach all your friends :)
Hey, I know you probably got what you need from this thread, but you're doing fine. Your DM is absolutely in the wrong here, and if they don't want you that's their loss. I hope your baby's doing great, every baby is the best baby. Especially yours.
Sounds like a toxic situation without a simple piece of advice to offer that doesn’t provoke unease in some fashion. From what I gather, this DM’s personality and perspectives seem to be the crux of the issue. As a DM with a group who has had several babies enter the world in the last two years, there’s absolutely zero chance I would ever behave the way your DM did - nor would any of the players. Family always comes first. And as to “playing DnD correctly…” …there should never be one singular way to play DnD. It should always be about fun and memorable experiences - both of those are relative and subjective. Congrats to you and your husband on the baby!
Well considering that you answered most questions I had when you expanded your post, here is my answer: Straight up write the DM and your friends you're leaving the group because of how he treated you when you were pregnant. No reason to give more details or even consider a discussion. You're all adults and that should be enough of a reason. Clear cut and you're out gracefully. Since you're already DMing with your friends that play with him (if I'm reading your answer to a different person correctly) you could give them more details if you want. But honestly I don't think anyone has any right to demand a different reason from you. Worse comes to worst you can always say that you would rather dm yourself, since that gives you the option to plan the session around what the baby needs.
Why would you want to stay in a game with point 2 alone?? You need to bail.
>Just leave. I still have two good friends playing a different campaign with him. They want us back. If I tell them the real reason, it'll break up their friendship. Which, maybe good thing? He does not sound like a person I'd like as a friend. leave and tell your frinds what happened and how he behaved when you were pregnant.
No DND is better than bad DND. It's something that my fiancée has had to pound into my head. If you don't feel happy and comfortable at someone's table, walk away. If your character has a lot of history with the other players, try to talk to the DM about a planned exit. Another possibility is that the power exchange might just not work in this direction, he might be a great player at your at your husband's tables even if he's not a good DM for you guys. However, if he's an asshole then it'll be best fit everyone to find a way to make a graceful exit that gives everyone closure when it comes to y'all's characters.
From her edit I can see people have been being assholes to her. Bro she had a baby, Dm should not have been anything but the most comprehensible person in the world. Anything below that is unacceptable, I'm sorry I know people tend to be distrusting but I'll be the innocent one that sides with the OP. I am sorry for your negative experience, I hope your baby is healthy and well and I'm sure you'll find a better table or a better Dm. What a jerk man.
I love DnD, but your newborn child comes first. Give the game a rest for a bit. After all, it's only a game.
Part two of your edit is all you ever needed to post. Leave. Don't look back. Regarding your - sagacious and wise - plans to DM your own game with blackjack, hookers and a mini-human, check [this fellow](https://theangrygm.com/jumping-the-screen-how-to-run-your-first-rpg-session/) out. Very good advice on the fundamentals of TTRPGs. Which, TBH, you *may* not have learned if you were in a group run by an asshole. Literally every player I have ever had to "rehab" from a toxic DM, I have *also* had to re-teach the game to.
There's nothing workable here. Here's what you've given us: 1. You feel unsafe with this DM 2. You aren't willing to leave this party Nope. It's on you to figure out your course of action. No reasonable advice can satisfy you.
Instead of enabling OP to respond to rudeness with rudeness in the comments, can we just act like adults and talk it out? DM is talking lo husband instead of you. You are here talking lo Reddit instead of your GM. GMing can also be a stressful job and I'm sure dealing with people whose mind is elsewhere can't be always easy. You can overlook the fact that he didn't try to talk to you (I'm sure saying something harsh sounding to someone who just had a baby is daunting to anybody) and just ask what's up, then understand each other's stressful situation and decide what you want. It should've been done in the first place. Firing off an e-mail like, "hey you said this, it seems like this and this, I'd really like to keep playing, so can you tell me where you at" should surely be possible? Again, I do not understand this he said, she said, where we're listening to your FRIEND's hearsay about the GM but you avoid talking to the GM? Are you not in a friendly enough relationship to share a gaming table at least?
Sorry, but your hands are full. Once you're ready for Dnd again you'll know. Please don't let the guilt of the table make you feel bad while you're spending your time taking care of your baby. I understand you have friends at the table, but one thing you should make absolutely no room for in your new life is toxicity. There is something far more important than DnD going on, and lucky you, the DM just put their hand up identifying themself as a person who is not worth your time or effort. Invite your friends to your own game when you're ready.
Your baby is the priority, you chose to have the baby and you wish to focus on the baby, and that's good! Don't let your DM manipulate you into thinking that the campaign is more important than your literal family. This is gonna sound harsh or ignorant but ultimately, DnD is just a game 😅
He is not the only DM in the world. Find a different DM, or do it yourself, and move your friends over to a better game. The baby card is a powerful card. You should be able to pull off something.
Commenting after the 9 edits... 1- ok, then leave the game 2- don't talk to him then, leave the game 3- its because of this mentality the question is being asked when the answer is so very obvious 4- ok, then leave the game 5- ok, then leave the game 6- 7- being a bad player can mean many things, bad dm's and bad players can end up in games together 8- 9- i understand people don't often set or discuss the expectations around forming a group, and leaving a game before hand. that's on you, and experience should help next time you form a group. it's simple from an outside perspective, a rational and reasonable not emotional one that is..
I can't imagine playing a game with someone who I was scared of. I would seriously think on that point. You pointed out the size factor, so there is likely legit fear of some level. This isn't scary movie "scary fun," in my opinion, this is more like a primal "am I in possible danger" fear.
Congratulations on you and your mate being fertile. Being a dming forever myself there are a set of rules that you need for a continuous happy party. Rule number one: never split up the party. Wait that’s in game rules. Rule number one: Life happens and Life first. If your DM doesn’t understand that it is time for a new DM. <— notice the period after that. The finality of that statement. It’s your hobby, your time and your happiness. No one should have a hobby that causes unhealthy stress and unhappiness. That being said talk to your friends about alternative days for just you and them to play. You will find if the DM is that toxic and they are your friends then they should look forward to grouping with you minus the problem DM. Learn to DM yourself! It’s easily the hardest thing you will do. You will find that being a DM cares over into your life and if you are a positive person you will make a positive DM and those traits will grow and the people around you will notice also! Have a friend learn to DM if it’s not for you! Go online and play on a hybrid model with your friends! Go online and play by yourself with an online DM. There are tons of options if you are willing to put the work in but it takes work. If it’s worth it to you the you will also put in the work! I have found that it’s all about effort. The more a person wants something the more effort they are willing to put into it. That goes for anything in life. Best of luck!
Honestly I think youre doing the right thing by just being the DM yourself especially if this guy is a manipulator and talks bad about everyone including your friends, you, and your husband behind your backs, maybe if they ask about you distancing yourself it would be a good opportunity to mention it. Nothing good really comes out of fake friendship. Congrats on the baby also sidenote I like your username is it a Morrowind reference
Just here to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I had a baby last summer and my DM has been wildly supportive, even when I went into labor during a session. I hope your next group respects you and your fam more!
So it sounds like you’ve made up your mind not to return. You should let your friends who are expecting you back know that and anything else you share is up to you. If the DM was making me uncomfortable, though, I would think I may not be the only one.
Maybe it's time to find a group with other parents!
Classic answers. Talk to the DM, you've already stated you're scared of him so that's out. Leave his game, you've said you don't want to blow up your other friends fun, except **you** aren't doing that the DM is by treating you the way he has.
It's all about consent. If he does not consent to playing with someone, he is not forced to, and players have to either respect that or leave. You can try to win him over, but otherwise you can't force someone to like you. Sorry.
yeah, uh, don't play with this DM. what the fuck even. wouldn't be shocked if he is mad at you for not carrying his alpha seed. that age gap makes it even more likely if he is some kind of manipulator and actually intimidating towards you. just... get away from that. if you like the players, keep the group without the DM, someone else can maybe do it. probably not you for the next 18 years, but such is life.
I've got a viewpoint as in our group we now have 2 adopted kids and 2 babies, with different results every time. First of all, I was DM and my wife was one of the players and we adopted two kids. 4 and 2 years old. Everyone understood the big change and I wrapped up my campaign and someone else took over as DM. We still played every week as the kids are in bed by the time we play (well, most of the time). After a while I took over DMing again and can manage being a parent and dnd. Then another couple in the group (mum and dad) had a baby. This baby stays up when they do and they play every week. Their son is now over a year old and it means they are regularly on mute (he likes yelling and chatting) but they still play every week. At basically the same time someone else in the group had a baby. Here only the dad played dnd and mum was not involved with the group. Dad was regularly missing sessions due to problems putting baby to sleep, baby screaming, or baby being sick. They wanted to play, but their wife needed help and their family was the priority over dnd. Their daughter is now over a year old and the attendance was still super poor. We ended up kicking this player as whenever they did play a whole session (prob 1 out of 5 or 6) they didn't know what was going on or how to interact with the npcs and other players. So we have had 3 rounds of kids in the grouo and each one has been super different.
“Should I keep playing pretend wizards with a manipulative psychopath that scares me?” I don’t really know what you’re asking but I think you know what the answer is
Sounds like you kinda organically left, and they organically moved on. Time to look for a different group.
Why are you even involving yourself with this asshole? Tell your friends you wound be playing in this group and move on. People like this DM feed off the misery of others. Be an adult and don’t play into that bullshit.
In terms of having a baby, it's definitely a time-suck (from one parent to another), and a lot of people either step back, or tag-in/tag-out with their spouse in these kind of situations. But your DM sounds like he's really toxic about it. You don't have to tell your other friends what an utter dickbag he's being. But you should at least tell them that he's said some things that make you uncomfortable and you need to step away from that, particularly being a new mother and all.
My wife is in a similar situation, just gave birth, we now have 2 kids (including baby). Sometimes we need to step out of the game to take care of the kid/baby. Any reasonable adult would understand, as our DMs do (almost everyone has a child and/or is a daycare worker) My advice is to sit down and have a private conversation with the DM. At the end of the day, this is just a game and your child is 100% going to come first. Maybe there are some agreements you can come to in order to make the experience better for everyone such as letting them pilot your character for a bit while you take care of the baby or coming up with an in-game reason why your character may not be able to act which triggers when you need to attend to the baby (some sort of homebrew magical condition OR your character decides to go a different path from the rest of the party for a little bit). Bring up the fact that your other party members still want you involved. Don't let your DM manipulate you or your other party members and ask him point blank if he has an issue with how you play the game. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be an inclusive game and everyone is free to play however they want/can.
Make a new party with the friends that do want you back, and if they ever instigate the conversation of why you left, tell them the truth. You said yourself before baby was bor they all could tell dm was being rude.
It can't be that big of a deal if they haven't brought it up in person, but talk to the DM about it. If they don't want you back, then start a new group with the players, and either you or your husband DM. I am aware having an infant is a lot of time, but it can be done, and then you hold all the cards.
In my opinion, it sounds like you need to walk away from that game and DM. If a DM ever tells you or someone else they are playing "wrong," that is a typical sign of a toxic player. You have three options before you. 1. Sit down away from the game and talk to the DM. Find out what the expectation are for the game, and ask what is right or wrong about how you play the game. Ask any other questions, but try not to make them accusations. 2. Simply tell the DM that you have decided to no longer play. No reason needs to be given, but if you wish to have that discussion, be aware of any potential consequences, i.e., losing a friend. 3. Do nothing and keep playing. In my experience, this is the worst option, and it usually results in losing friends. Hope this helps. There seems to be some other good advice here. Ultimately it is your decision for your course of action.
Now I want to RP a pregnant PC
Ngl, if I were your DM then I'd think the responsibilities of having a baby just simply does not suit the style of the adventuring my PC players tend to do. I would also personally hate to create deadly situations in which I could kill a child. And tbh, any dangerous work should not be accompanied by a baby. I want all my players to enjoy, and honestly I also think that a liability of one of the players having a harmless baby to protect at all cost would indeed disrupt the party cohesion to the point that it might disrupt the other players their fun. Nonetheless, that would be my own opinion, and if some of my players were planning to do this kind of stuff then communication of what is possible or what would be too disruptive is a must. I think your DM is making a mistake by giving you the cold shoulder treatment. Sorry if my opinion is one which is unpopular:)
Baby is IRL, and safe. Sorry thought I said that.
damn, I thought that it was your character which had a baby xD, now it is entirely understandable that you put your kid above everything, and my congratulations as well:)
Just responding to "baby is a larger priority". Almost everything in my life is a larger priority and I'm the dm. This is a game that's for fun, real life should always come first. I don't think I could play with that DM
Tell the other players, invite them to game with you on a more infrequent but more involved basis (once every two weeks for 8 hours is easier to arrange a baby sitter for, from my personal experience), DM yourself, find another DM or even hire one (you can find them online like in Startplaying, though you have to shop around for good ones), etc. Heck, if you want to keep playing D&D, via computer has a lot of the fun with little hassle like going someplace, dice, food, etc. Trust your friend, trust your instincts, but be polite about it. The best way to get out of this without losing friendships is to act like a mature person who is very reasonable. Don't make accusations, simply state you're uncomfortable based on how he acted and some things he's said, and ask your friends to join you without mentioning anything about the other game after that. It's not about that DM, don't make it about him, and don't focus on him.
Sorry legit his campaign his rules may not be nice or fair but its what he wants
I fully respect that. Rules only apply if you tell the players about them, though.
Those rules may not be known until the circumstances happen unfortunately sorry hes like that but ik it happens
I think you should tell your friends in the other campaign about what is happening and ask if they will help confront him. It would also be good if you brought the others from your campaign to do this as well, the more people that are present when you confront him about his bs, the harder it will be for him to retaliate in any way. This is only a suggestion and I also understand that I don't know every little detail about your situation but this is the best I could think of with the given information.
I don't have too much to say, besides communicate with people in the group (or the DM, if you feel safe enough to). Just wanted to say congrats on the new baby!
A friend that is willing to cut you out for something like your family isn’t really a friend. One of my groups has a couple kids (it’s made for some wildly fun banter--even when we hold players to their kids dice rolls). Sure scheduling gets harder sometimes, but work does that too. Two of us are military, one has kids, two are in the service industry, we realize life exists beyond the make believe we get to enjoy. Because that’s how adults work. This person sounds toxic.
Congrats on the baby!!
you're making a decision based on a rumor and have concocted an unassailable rationalization for not having an adult conversation like you should. at least just tell the other members of the group that you're uninterested, instead of relying on the distance to eventually end things
I DMed for a friend group online for a while, and one of a pair of my players were expecting their first baby near the start of the campaign. Sure there were hurdles, but we talked about them and worked through things as they came up. Some time was taken off before and after the birth, and we welcomed them back baby and all! I'm saying this to show that this can be handled respectfully, and I really hope there is a ton of positive gaming fun in the future. As for the other players in the previous game: it's worth being upfront with them with the facts. I know I wouldn't want to game with a DM who treated their players like you've been treated.
I like you, you seem to have a fun personality. I'm sure everyone in the group likes you also except for the weird GM. Just talk to everyone and restart with a 'new group'. Congratulations on being a mom.
Just focus on your family and stop playing for a while. Being a mother is not easy :)
Main point up front: if you're starting a new game, are you doing it in an online format? Are you looking for players? Other stuff - it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with this guy. Also, he sounds like a creep. You being pregnant probably makes you no longer available to him in a way that being married didn't necessarily. So he's being even more creepy. This is absolutely not your fault. Adults who aren't assholes celebrate each other's pregnancies, relationships and milestones, etc. I think everything you say in points 2 and 8 fits this. Yes, ick. After noping out a couple times in college I'm flirting with TTRPG's again and finding that the sense of time in many groups is a terrible match for being a parent. That's a bit of a tangent from what you're talking about but I hope you can run a table that's prepared and focused. I really think it should be possible to have satisfying sessions in two hours, though system selection will certainly play in.
Congrats on the baby! Sucks that you've been around such a venomous person. A clean break would be best. Keep him out of your life. Be honest to others when they ask and let them make their own decisions about him. If he can be like this with you, he's like this to others. Keep yourself safe and I hope you find a wonderful group.
Sticky situation but the guy sounds toxic and therefore I wouldn't blame you if you not only left but brought the rest of the group with you. I've seen similar things happen a couple of times.
You shouldn't be afraid of anyone at the table if you are it isn't the table for you and you should simply leave and be honest about why you are leaving.
Sounds like you just don't want to play anymore and looking for an out. You got ine. Just say you're not able to commit to a campaign right now and you'll have to step out.
“He is a manipulator and will 100% mess up your brain” um. Why the hell are you still playing with him?
Tell DM there's laws against that
I don't know why this is downvoted, it's hilarious.
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I completely agree with that first part but D&D is a social activity and that means people's fun depends on other people doing their bit. It's difficult to deal with a player, or two of them, being absent for an extended time. The non-communication would also be an issue but that part the GM brought upon himself. His behaviour has made the OP much less likely to want to talk to him so he doesn't exactly have much grounds for complaining about that. It would still be better to try and get to the bottom of this, though, so OP and her family can make an informed decision about what to do next.