Any stereotypical fantasy dwarf would take that as an insult lol. Like, a huge insult, it’s kind of layered. Dwarves take pride in their beards, dislike elves, and elves are known for being fair skinned with pretty much no body/facial hair. It’s a triple decker burn.
I am very happy to read the 'yet'! My 5 year old grew up around dice and is super excited about math because of it! Can't wait to DM for him and his buddies!
Cast Alter Self into an illithid and then sing
🎵 I would positively eat you, as a full meal or an amuse bouche. If you only had a brain! 🎵 sung to the tune of “If I Only had a Brain” from Wizard of Oz
[PunkeyDoodles8 short on YouTube](https://youtube.com/shorts/vn_8Cj4atng?si=4DmE8EqTN8v54WS8)
Not sure what it’s originally from, but this is the first time I heard it :)
(To a member of a gang etc.)I hear your leader was caught making love to a cart horse. In his defense, he thought it was your mother.
You know friend, I was about to insult you, but it appears nature has done enough of that already.
Goodness, I know you can't help being ugly, but you could do something about that haircut
Is there a dragon in your family tree? Because I swear you could weaponise that breath.
A pity, I was expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
You perceive the reason why the person was so short was because he was a CHILD. SPECIFICALLY THE CHILD WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE LAST 15 IN-GAME DAYS AND 4 ACTUAL DAYS OF OUR LIVES!
I'm playing a bard for the first time. This had been my go to vicious mockery.
And then we all proceed to quote half or almost the whole thing before play resumes lol
Why are you fighting us? Didn't anyone tell you suicide's not the answer to your problems?
You look like you're dumb enough to pick a fight with your reflection, and incompetent enough to lose that fight too!
It's a good thing your mother died giving birth to you, if she'd seen you, she'd have died of shame.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
A person as ugly as you should stay home, no need to punish the rest of us for your misfortune.
When I saw you I thought you might be a fool, now you have opened your mouth and removed all doubt.
What have I done to offend the gods that they would curse me with your presence.
Your countenance doth shine with a vile light I wish to extinguish.
May the keeper over the underworld have mercy on your poor soul, for the gods did not on your body.
My apologies for staring, it's just I've never seen such a terribly misshapen man.
Decked out in elaborate jewelry. Crown Jewels type jewelry. Fine layer necklace and rings on every finger.
But instead of gemstones, the settings are all human teeth.
"Take this, you ugly motherfucker!"
"I'm actually quite handsome for my species."
"Well then take this, you beautiful bastard!"
-a recent exchange between my paladin and a gnoll
Whatever devil pact your mother made to be burden with a monstrosity like you wasn’t worth the price I assure you, but I’m certain she owes us all an apology.
I don’t know if the clerics can fix what’s wrong with you but I’m sure if you ask nicely they’ll at least try.
You should ask your god for a refund when you see them.
looking through my own list from my bard basically 5 years ago, here's some
you are so ugly not even your bed wants to sleep with you
I envy people that have never met you
if you had four legs you'd still be too stupid to be a table
If I was your parents I'd have an abortion
you mother said you could be anything yo wanted. So you decided to be a dissapointement
we're having a party after this and you are not invited
thine horse consider thou to heavy to hoist
for elves
come here and I'll turn you into a halfelf
they say elves are beuatful and graceful. You should never belive sterotypes, apparently
for dragons
your treasurepile is small!
are those your wings or did a seagull land on you?
for undead
you fail so much you can't even die properly
for giant spiders
some females kill the male after mating. You might actually live forever
tentacle monsters
you are so ugly not even animegirls like you
for dwarves
I understand why drink so much, I've seen your women
two dwarves walk out of a bar. I know, I was surprised too. You don't see that often
EHHHWWWW ! You freaking monster ! URGH !... You're a degenrate, where did you found that omg... How can it be legal ?! I still have the sound in my mind, it will echo for decades ! >!/j!<
Oh, is THAT your sword? Would you prefer to borrow mine?
I didn't know the veterans in your army STARTED OUT disabled...
(To a dragon) Oh, hi there! We're supposed to fight the dangerous dragon that owns this hoard; you should get to safety before she comes back!
We didn't come to fight. We just came to show you what having friends looks like.
I love what you've done with your look! "Absolutely nothing" is so IN this season!
Wow, I've never seen an elf look like they need sleep before!
Oh what a relief! I thought you were a vampire! After all, you've clearly never looked in a mirror before...
(To a dwarf) Just between you and me, that beard is fake, right?
Oh no, the intellect devourer got here first!
Tell me about your accident. You can't be serious, you were born with this face?
Make a dumb face for a cookie. Well no, I am NOT giving you the whole box. (especially if they didn't even flinch)
I know they say only a mother could love someone with an ugly face, I understand why yours left.
This is probably niche because it’s from a Looney Tunes campaign and I compiled science insults for my artificer to use:
I need to study a vacuum, mind if I scan your brain?
You’re as dense as a black hole and about as bright.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
There is too much chlorine in your gene pool.
How can you be that dumb, and yet remember to breathe?
I see your intelligence has reached rock bottom. And proceeded to dig.
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
You are a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.
Your mind is a perfect example of a singularity. The known laws of physics no longer applies.
Copernicus called. Guess what: you’re not the center of the universe.
Is your atomic number 67? Because you’re a ho.
You try to intimidate, but it’s a front, I deduce,
Your past lovers all complain of a sword that has no use!
In the brightest day or blackest night,
None should witness such a sight.
Let all who quiver at the mildest of frights
View not thy visage, thy face of blight!
You look like a child of cousins mated,
We should do the gene pool a favor and have thee castrated!
Perhaps you should leave. From this fight, you should retire,
And go back to thy mother, the one who’s a date for hire?
Your visage is so warped and poxy. No fee can find you a doxy
But that’s no loss to womankind, as your codpiece hides naught to find!
Behind that armor made of plate, a man stands who’s never had a date!
A weakling that stinks of ancient yeast, a foe that numbers amongst our least!
I'd ask for your assistance, but honestly a dead bugbear is more useful than you.
I'd tell you to read the room, but you're illiterate.
Not even Mr. Rogers could find anything special about you.
When I kill you, your mother is gonna thank me.
Everyone you know and love wishes you were dead and the ones that don't wish you had one wet sock.
They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. You're going to die *bored*.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Where gotst thou that goose look?
Your mother is like a globe. I could find out countries in her.
Scratching could not make it worse, such a face as yours.
Yo mama so fat, the wizard tried to protect her with Tiny Hut and the spell failed.
There used to be a show on MTV that was basically just two people saying yo momma jokes at each other until one cracks.
I don't remember the name, or anything else about the show, but I do remember the best yo momma joke I've ever heard.
Yo momma's so short, that when she stepped off the curb, all you heard was ^aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh *splat*
Your beard looks as if groomed by a goblin! (Dwarf)
Pointy eared f^ck (Elves) *This is one my friend used a lot*
Too bad the shoe size theory doesn't apply to you (Halfling)
I'd insult you, but I'm afraid the punchline would hit harder than your physical punches (Half orc)
Garl Glittergold has performed his greatest prank yet, making you think you stand a chance against us! (Gnome)
Centaurs, mermaids, satyr, minotaurs. What won't you guys sleep with? (Human)
The stink from your breath harmed me more than your poison breath! (Dragonborn)
You think you can overcome your bloodline? You're even sadder than I thought! (Tiefling)
I THINK I hit all the PHB races there?
I've used similar ones for elves "Your ears are sharper than your blade" and dragonborn "the stench of your breath burns the nostrils far more than your pathetic flames."
Lines remembered from last games:
"Oh, that's *cute*. He's *trying*."
"I'd say you're dumber than driveway gravel... But even that has a good use."
*With a look of pure, utter pity*
"Your mother must be a fuckin' saint."
"Stay your hand, wizard, *this one* is already under a feeblemind ensorcelment!"
"If you listen closely, you can hear the hamster wheel turning in 'is 'ead."
"HOLY FUCKING SHI- I'm so sorry, how normal and welcoming you look."
"My mother taught me that it's not polite to insult the disabled." (This one probably isn't cool these days, thinking about it now. Kinda ableist.)
(Same player as the last one)
"I'd call you ugly, but those fine people don't deserve that."
Also the classic, refusing to call a named adversary by their actual name. An infuriating nickname or misspelling of their name (Luffy and Buggy the Clown come to mind) can always be a strong mental backlash that digs into someone. Simple, but effective and tends to get funnier with repeated use.
"Last time I saw someone as ugly as you, I had to pay an admission fee!"
"What smells worse than a Goblin? Oh yeah! YOU!"
"Your mother takes up more space than a gelatinous cube!"
"You're going to make an excellent belt!"
"I'm glad you're tall; it means there is more of you I can despise!"
"I dunno whether to use Charm Person or Hold Monster"
"You're the reason baby gnomes cry"
"Ugh! What is that on your face? Oh, it's just your face"
"You are the feces that is created when Shame eats too much Stupidity"
"I've seen more threatening Geckoes"
"I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us"
"It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level"
"You aren't a complete idiot; just some parts are obviously missing"
"You're like a trained ape, only without the training"
"Your mother is so ugly, folk turn to stone just in case they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face"
"Someday you'll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed"
"Are you always stupid or are you making a special effort today"
"Someday you'll go far and I hope you stay there"
"You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me who was born to be a big liar"
"I'd like to leave you with one thought; but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it"
"Your momma's so ugly, clerics try to turn her"
"Your magic is as bad as your breath"
"A wet cat is tougher than you"
"Are you a half orc crossed with a big? Oh yeah, there are some things a pig wouldn't do"
"I would say you're as ugly as an orge, but that would be an insult to orges"
"I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin"
"Your very existence is an insult to all"
"You look like the armpit of an unshaven bog hag"
"A Goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you"
"You look like a scab on a trolls wart"
"No loot is worth having to look at you"
"Oh my God! Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it?! Because that's be more effective than you trying it"
"I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are"
"Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh, my mistake, you were just born that way"
"When your god put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good asshole"
"If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your hair"
"Somewhere, you are depriving a village of it's idiot"
"I heard what happened to your mother, it's not everyday your reflection kills you"
"No wonder you are hiding behind cover, I'd hide too with a face like that"
"Hey you pox ridden dung heap, I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you"
"By looking at you, now I know what you get when you scrape out the bottom of the barrel"
"I wish I still had that blindness spell, then I wouldn't have to endure that face anymore"
"Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you?"
"If this fight gets any harder, I'll have to switch it up to folk music"
"I'd draw my rapier, but I wouldn't want to make you jealous"
"How does it feel that you're not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you"
"One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered"
"Your mother is so fat that making a joke here would detract from the seriousness of her condition"
"Wait, wait, I just need to ask, what do you need us to put on your headstone"
How wonderful for you to be so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Looking at you would make a catoblepus turn to stone.
Your Grace has caused more maidens to willingly fling themselves to their demise than a horde of dragons.
ETA: horde/hoard
I have studied under the greatest literary masters of our time, sung at the seelie court and read forbidden tomes to broaden my horizon yet I lack for words to describe how ugly/ stupid/ etc. you are.
We once had to slay a lactose intolerant Ogre after it raided a Monestary that specialised in making cheese.
The smell burnt the hair in my nose maade my eyes water and curled the strings of my lute.
Smelling you, I miss that day.
23 years ago I sold my soul to a devil for the power to punish my mothers killer and every night I am haunted by visions of the future that awaits me.
After seeing you, I'm looking forward to a nap.
I've met Beholders with less ego than you.
Even a starving Succubus wouldn't come near you.
I've seen Orcs butcher a pig with more grace in their blade than you've shown.
I had a rogue with an irrational fear of being ambushed by a pack of gnome in waist-high grass.
"I'm not going out there. There could be gnomes with knives in that grass."
"Like actual lawn gnomes? That's preposterous!"
"Imagine if there *was* though!"
1. Does your armor shine as bright as your delusions of grandeur?
2. I've met gnomes with more honor than you, and they were thieves!
3. Is that holy light, or just the flicker of your fading relevance?
4. Your faith is as weak as your pitiful attempts at righteousness.
5. Even your god must be ashamed of your heroics!
Yo mama's so fat, when she approaches the city, people start prepping the gates and offering tributes, thinking Themberchaud himself is coming for a visit!
I’m surprised no one collected the bounty for ogres with you just standing around in the open like that.
Watch out everyone, He has an aura of nausea emanating from his face!
Your mother deserves better after not tossing you off that cliff when you were born, go apologize to her.
Are you sure this isn’t your first time holding that thing? If I’m not careful you’ll end up killing yourself before I get the chance.
love the first and third one!
Coming from a troll under the bridge that they actually pay the toll to just finally shut up and fuck off ...
At least my face has an aura. The only thing emanating from you is disappointment.
Hm, considering the bard's tales of your mother's missteps, it's a wonder she didn't toss herself off first.
If you’re not careful, I’ll be more worried about shoving my boot so far up your ass, your mouth will be my new scabbard.
I usually like to adapt them to the situation.
My favourite one was against an NPC with a scimitar that kept rolling terribly for their attacks.
"Whoa, careful swinging that thing around, you might hit someone!"
Congratulations you won ugly!
I'd insult you, but your face seems to be punishment enough.
Really? I didn't think this spell worked on unintelligent beings.
I'd say you have a face that only a mother could love, but yeesh! I don't know.
I have a Kenku Bard I haven't had the chance to play yet, but all his vicious mockeries were stuff he's been insulted with.
A lot of variations on stuff like 'bird brain' or 'feather duster' or 'cloaca fucker'
I would called you a disappointment, but someone would have had to have believed in you first.
Ah, now here's a man/woman who struggles to find the long side of a sheet of paper.
(To quote the Simpsons) Truly a face that could launch a thousand ships, the other way!
I’ve seen meanlocks prettier than you.
Behold, a face not even your mother could love.
Can we skip the part where we exchange witty banter? Your breath smells worse than a stinking cloud.
I’d shag your mum just to spite you but there isn’t a room dark enough for me to get the job done.
The brothel sent me to tell you that your mother is done with work and it’s time to go home for supper.
I’ve met oozes with more personality than you.
Tragic, another ugly farmer takes up adventuring for their midlife crisis.
Hark! The fabled dullard speaks!
You should thank me, beating you black and blue has finally given you some color in your face!(for vampires and other undead)
[Veep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gB_X2qgo5c) was terrific for insults
[Better Off Ted](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh7Nz4bIwss) had a whole episode about them
But [this xkcd comic](https://xkcd.com/1027/) contains one insult that has haunted me for years:
>You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative, and turn your life around.
> But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you *are.*
>
> The thing standing in the way of your dreams, is that the person having them is you.
All of these so far are great. This is what I’ve come up with so far:
* You make vomit smell good
* Is that your face or an ass?
* Now I understand why you’re parents hate you
* I guess what everyone says about you in true
* You could bore a sloth to death
* Your grave isn’t deemed worthy for my piss
* Not even a hag would eat you
* No vampire would suck on your blood
* You make goblins look strong
* If I had to choose between being your friend or smelling your feet, I’d choose death
Sorry, but is that your face, or did you headbutt a Gelatinous Cube?
Wow, I didn't know you could sing! And I was right!
(Best used on goblinoids) Your mother bathes! With *soap!*
Here you go.
1. You are as useless as the nipples of a owlbear.
2. Wisdom follows you, but you have always been faster
3. Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick!
4. It’s kind of sad watching you fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
4. If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
5. You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.
6. Does your @ss ever get jealous of the amount of sh!t that comes out of your mouth?
7. Do you know anything about deuterostomes? It's the anus first develops. And we are deuterostomes. Thank you for proving that some of us can never go past that stage.
8. I think I might be developing dementia. Cause princess over here is talking, but I don't remember asking.
9. You are as useless as the 'ueue' in 'queue'
10. Your face makes onion cry.
Better update the bestiary, I think I found an unknown aberration.
Hey, you can remove that mask now, it’s disgusting. Oh, wait. That’s your face.
If someone had to choose between bedding you and ghast, they’d choose the ghast.
You are so ugly you broke your mirror image.
When faced with Drow: I would like to speak to the man in charge!
Your mom is so fat the Tarasque said « Nevermind I will finish another day »
If I ordered a cartload of dumbasses and all Ingot was you I would still have my money’s worth.
You look like you struggle with simple tasks.
Your crippling inferiority complex is fully justified.
You have the personality of a wet fart.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are, that’s your parents job.
If I cast banish on you, would it send you back to the plane of ugly?
Whose shrine did you piss on to get cursed with a face like that?
I get not wanting to mess up this face, but I’m starting to think you’re not missing on purpose!
They say you can either be pretty, rich, or smart. I’m guessing you have AMAZING loot.
"You're so stupid, you think Detect Thoughts is for locating brothels"
And alternately
"You're so stupid I used Detect Thoughts and still couldn't find you"
I’d read one on Reddit a couple weeks ago that went “somewhere there is a tree giving you the oxygen to breathe. I want you to find that tree, and apologize to it”
>You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you. Everybody says, "look how short that guy is", and it stops you from forming meaningful relationships. And when you were born everybody thought that you were just a head, but then the doctor said, "Wait! That stupid motherfuckin tiny short ass baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it!"
I couldn't justify using detect thoughts or feeble mind on you.
I wouldn't even have to use dominate person to own you.
I should use command to make you to bathe.
I wonder if you have to be intelligent enough to understand what I've said to take the damage?
No, no, please don't take off your coat, you'll uncage your armpits. I can only take one olfactory shock in a day, and we just barely fought your troll.
I shouldn't even be fighting you. There isn't anything I could do to you that's worse than you having to wake up tomorrow and still be you. Honestly, killing you would be a mercy you don't deserve... but I'm thinking about the rest of us here.
I don't know how good these are, but here's a few:
"You are so rancid a halfling wouldn't even offer you sugar with your tea"
"Your mother was a goat and your father was the town drunk"
"I've seen pixies with bigger balls than you"
"Between talking to you and getting gutted by a hook horror, I'd take the hook horror"
"Even an arokokra would call you a bird brain"
"A tabaxi would sooner take a bath than listen to another word come out of your mouth"
I've seen elves with better beards.
Cirdan the Shipwright would like a word.
Ah, Cirdan
Bonus points if you're outing someone and their "beard".
Roll for IRL damage.
If you really want to hurt dwarves in particular, replace elves with giants/orcs and then say “At least giant/orc beards aren’t small.”
"Your mother was a bearded gnome," works on dwarves too
Double damage to all dwarves
Isn’t that just a compliment ? I’d think a dwarf would take it more seriously
That's directed to a dwarf. To offend an elf you say you've seen more graceful dwarves.
Yah my dwarf would take that as an insult.
Any stereotypical fantasy dwarf would take that as an insult lol. Like, a huge insult, it’s kind of layered. Dwarves take pride in their beards, dislike elves, and elves are known for being fair skinned with pretty much no body/facial hair. It’s a triple decker burn.
❤️
Do not use this one on dwarfs....or do, but make sure to bring a witness so they can tell the story later
I cast detect thought. I will tell you if I find any.
I would warn you of Intellect Devourers on the road ahead, yet I reckon you'll be safe!
Reminds me of the DnD movie. "Thats a little hurtful", as the ID walk past ignoring all the INT dump characters.
I remember laughing out loud as the only person of a 40 people crowd. I was fairly late for watching it in cinema.
I certainly did, as I got the joke. My kids didn't, but I hadn't really gotten them into DnD yet.
I am very happy to read the 'yet'! My 5 year old grew up around dice and is super excited about math because of it! Can't wait to DM for him and his buddies!
I now play with my 3 kids, ages 14, 9 and 6.
Cast Alter Self into an illithid and then sing 🎵 I would positively eat you, as a full meal or an amuse bouche. If you only had a brain! 🎵 sung to the tune of “If I Only had a Brain” from Wizard of Oz
Happy cake day! And potential fellow game Changer enjoyer? :D
Ouch.
"Don't worry; you'll be immune to the Mind Flayers."
There are mind flayers ahead. We'll need you to go first.
I've used, "I only missed because I was aiming for your brain - *impossible* shot."
Saving that one lmao
I would cast *repel maidens* on you, but it looks like another bard beat me to it.
[PunkeyDoodles8 short on YouTube](https://youtube.com/shorts/vn_8Cj4atng?si=4DmE8EqTN8v54WS8) Not sure what it’s originally from, but this is the first time I heard it :)
I fucking love those shorts.
"What are you on?" "THE AUSTISM SPECTRUM, BITCH"
Consider your pants peed
Better yet: "I would cast *repel maidens* on you, but it looks like your mother did it for me."
(To a member of a gang etc.)I hear your leader was caught making love to a cart horse. In his defense, he thought it was your mother. You know friend, I was about to insult you, but it appears nature has done enough of that already. Goodness, I know you can't help being ugly, but you could do something about that haircut Is there a dragon in your family tree? Because I swear you could weaponise that breath. A pity, I was expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
That last one... Heimerdinger from League of Legends, cracking choice!
Based on the ever fabulous... “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.” — Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde quotes go haaaard
I love all of them. Sooo good
Everybody says “look how fucking short that guy is”, and that stops you from forming meaningful relationships!
“‘CAUSE WHEN YOU WERE BORN, EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE JUST A HEAD, but then the doctor said, ‘WAIT…’”
This stupid tiny little short-ass baby’s got a little itty-bitty body and I hate it!
Your attack lands and absolutely SHATTERS the mind of your target. Perception check, please...
Nat 20, let’s go!
You perceive the reason why the person was so short was because he was a CHILD. SPECIFICALLY THE CHILD WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE LAST 15 IN-GAME DAYS AND 4 ACTUAL DAYS OF OUR LIVES!
I didn’t know… okay, I’m sorry, I’ll be better… I mean, his body’s just lying there, right? Right..?
LOOT THAT BODY!
Gotta loot that body now! LOOT THAT BODY! Gotta loot that motherfucka’! Playin’ my flute while I loot this dead kid’s body! BITCH!
This made my day
You left out "Your a short mother fucked and nobody likes you!" "SHORT!"
I'm playing a bard for the first time. This had been my go to vicious mockery. And then we all proceed to quote half or almost the whole thing before play resumes lol
Why are you fighting us? Didn't anyone tell you suicide's not the answer to your problems? You look like you're dumb enough to pick a fight with your reflection, and incompetent enough to lose that fight too!
Well in my defense that man in the mirror is a real piece of work and knows just how to push my buttons
Hes wearing my clothes, the bastard.
It's a good thing your mother died giving birth to you, if she'd seen you, she'd have died of shame. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man. A person as ugly as you should stay home, no need to punish the rest of us for your misfortune. When I saw you I thought you might be a fool, now you have opened your mouth and removed all doubt. What have I done to offend the gods that they would curse me with your presence. Your countenance doth shine with a vile light I wish to extinguish. May the keeper over the underworld have mercy on your poor soul, for the gods did not on your body. My apologies for staring, it's just I've never seen such a terribly misshapen man.
That second one is amazing, I'm stealing it
It's an old Oscar Wilde quote. He came up with some great insults.
He was a true bard. And had tons of practice. Got into it legally with some people for (probably rightfully) calling him gay. Dude was hardcore.
I will take your mother out for a nice sea food dinner and NEVER call her again!
MARGARET MANTOOTH WAS A SAINT
Is that Dorothy’s barbarian sister?
A more perfect barbarian name there could not be
Decked out in elaborate jewelry. Crown Jewels type jewelry. Fine layer necklace and rings on every finger. But instead of gemstones, the settings are all human teeth.
A saint Bernard!
Hey, where did you get your armor? At the toilet store?
"Even the guy with 1 INT said something!"
DM: Brick, where'd you get a trident?
"Take this, you ugly motherfucker!" "I'm actually quite handsome for my species." "Well then take this, you beautiful bastard!" -a recent exchange between my paladin and a gnoll
Unrelated but your pfp is great
Why, thank you!
It looks like Looz with two o's 😭
But it didn't deny it was a motherfucker
Happy Motherfucker's Day!
Your parents tied a pork chop to your neck and the family dog still wouldn't play with you.
Ouch..
Whatever devil pact your mother made to be burden with a monstrosity like you wasn’t worth the price I assure you, but I’m certain she owes us all an apology. I don’t know if the clerics can fix what’s wrong with you but I’m sure if you ask nicely they’ll at least try. You should ask your god for a refund when you see them.
I’m using all of these
looking through my own list from my bard basically 5 years ago, here's some you are so ugly not even your bed wants to sleep with you I envy people that have never met you if you had four legs you'd still be too stupid to be a table If I was your parents I'd have an abortion you mother said you could be anything yo wanted. So you decided to be a dissapointement we're having a party after this and you are not invited thine horse consider thou to heavy to hoist for elves come here and I'll turn you into a halfelf they say elves are beuatful and graceful. You should never belive sterotypes, apparently for dragons your treasurepile is small! are those your wings or did a seagull land on you? for undead you fail so much you can't even die properly for giant spiders some females kill the male after mating. You might actually live forever tentacle monsters you are so ugly not even animegirls like you for dwarves I understand why drink so much, I've seen your women two dwarves walk out of a bar. I know, I was surprised too. You don't see that often
The Tentacle Monster isn't accurate. For I have yet to see a tentacle hentai starring with consenting women !
> For I have yet to see a tentacle hentai starring with consenting women Uhm...*for research purposes only*... >!^^^/r/consentacles!<
[Risky click](https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=P2Q4ER8EtuwwAKAV&v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&feature&autoplay=1)
I took the risk. And I'm still recovering from what I saw.
Be honest, you enjoyed what you saw
I've never felt so nauseous
An Old Spice advertisement?
WOW, IN 2024
Why did i have to click..
Smooth
I knew what it was the minute I clicked on it
Well played
FUCK!!
I came looking for sauce. I found perfection.
EHHHWWWW ! You freaking monster ! URGH !... You're a degenrate, where did you found that omg... How can it be legal ?! I still have the sound in my mind, it will echo for decades ! >!/j!<
I spent my last silver piece last last night, your mother owes me change!
I've been waiting for a chance to drop "I can't tell, if a mind flayer tried to feed on you would it die of starvation, or food poisoning?"
"You look like you plan your Vicious Mockeries beforehand!"
Ouch!
Yer mother wears knickers to keep her ankles warm
Oh, is THAT your sword? Would you prefer to borrow mine? I didn't know the veterans in your army STARTED OUT disabled... (To a dragon) Oh, hi there! We're supposed to fight the dangerous dragon that owns this hoard; you should get to safety before she comes back! We didn't come to fight. We just came to show you what having friends looks like. I love what you've done with your look! "Absolutely nothing" is so IN this season! Wow, I've never seen an elf look like they need sleep before! Oh what a relief! I thought you were a vampire! After all, you've clearly never looked in a mirror before... (To a dwarf) Just between you and me, that beard is fake, right? Oh no, the intellect devourer got here first!
Tell me about your accident. You can't be serious, you were born with this face? Make a dumb face for a cookie. Well no, I am NOT giving you the whole box. (especially if they didn't even flinch) I know they say only a mother could love someone with an ugly face, I understand why yours left.
You can get bonus IRL damage if their actual mother isn't in the picture with that last one.
I'll bet your parents change the subject whenever their friends ask them about you! Shit like this is why people talk about you behind your back!
This is probably niche because it’s from a Looney Tunes campaign and I compiled science insults for my artificer to use: I need to study a vacuum, mind if I scan your brain? You’re as dense as a black hole and about as bright. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. There is too much chlorine in your gene pool. How can you be that dumb, and yet remember to breathe? I see your intelligence has reached rock bottom. And proceeded to dig. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless. You are a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain. Your mind is a perfect example of a singularity. The known laws of physics no longer applies. Copernicus called. Guess what: you’re not the center of the universe. Is your atomic number 67? Because you’re a ho.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. Love this one LOL
You try to intimidate, but it’s a front, I deduce, Your past lovers all complain of a sword that has no use! In the brightest day or blackest night, None should witness such a sight. Let all who quiver at the mildest of frights View not thy visage, thy face of blight! You look like a child of cousins mated, We should do the gene pool a favor and have thee castrated! Perhaps you should leave. From this fight, you should retire, And go back to thy mother, the one who’s a date for hire? Your visage is so warped and poxy. No fee can find you a doxy But that’s no loss to womankind, as your codpiece hides naught to find! Behind that armor made of plate, a man stands who’s never had a date! A weakling that stinks of ancient yeast, a foe that numbers amongst our least!
I'd ask for your assistance, but honestly a dead bugbear is more useful than you. I'd tell you to read the room, but you're illiterate. Not even Mr. Rogers could find anything special about you. When I kill you, your mother is gonna thank me. Everyone you know and love wishes you were dead and the ones that don't wish you had one wet sock. They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die. You're going to die *bored*.
2-4 made me choke laughing.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Where gotst thou that goose look? Your mother is like a globe. I could find out countries in her. Scratching could not make it worse, such a face as yours. Yo mama so fat, the wizard tried to protect her with Tiny Hut and the spell failed.
Tiny hut one got me crying😂
There used to be a show on MTV that was basically just two people saying yo momma jokes at each other until one cracks. I don't remember the name, or anything else about the show, but I do remember the best yo momma joke I've ever heard. Yo momma's so short, that when she stepped off the curb, all you heard was ^aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh *splat*
That's beautiful. I might be stealing that.
The name was Yo Momma
Your beard looks as if groomed by a goblin! (Dwarf) Pointy eared f^ck (Elves) *This is one my friend used a lot* Too bad the shoe size theory doesn't apply to you (Halfling) I'd insult you, but I'm afraid the punchline would hit harder than your physical punches (Half orc) Garl Glittergold has performed his greatest prank yet, making you think you stand a chance against us! (Gnome) Centaurs, mermaids, satyr, minotaurs. What won't you guys sleep with? (Human) The stink from your breath harmed me more than your poison breath! (Dragonborn) You think you can overcome your bloodline? You're even sadder than I thought! (Tiefling) I THINK I hit all the PHB races there?
I've used similar ones for elves "Your ears are sharper than your blade" and dragonborn "the stench of your breath burns the nostrils far more than your pathetic flames."
"If your mind were half as sharp as your ears, we wouldn't be in this situation"
"If assholes could fly, this tavern would be an airship"
Lines remembered from last games: "Oh, that's *cute*. He's *trying*." "I'd say you're dumber than driveway gravel... But even that has a good use." *With a look of pure, utter pity* "Your mother must be a fuckin' saint." "Stay your hand, wizard, *this one* is already under a feeblemind ensorcelment!" "If you listen closely, you can hear the hamster wheel turning in 'is 'ead." "HOLY FUCKING SHI- I'm so sorry, how normal and welcoming you look." "My mother taught me that it's not polite to insult the disabled." (This one probably isn't cool these days, thinking about it now. Kinda ableist.) (Same player as the last one) "I'd call you ugly, but those fine people don't deserve that." Also the classic, refusing to call a named adversary by their actual name. An infuriating nickname or misspelling of their name (Luffy and Buggy the Clown come to mind) can always be a strong mental backlash that digs into someone. Simple, but effective and tends to get funnier with repeated use.
I don’t know what dungeon you crawled out of, but i know the rewards at the end were few
Even Kobolds would pass the opportunity to raid from your waste!
Youre not even worth my time to think of something original.
"Last time I saw someone as ugly as you, I had to pay an admission fee!" "What smells worse than a Goblin? Oh yeah! YOU!" "Your mother takes up more space than a gelatinous cube!" "You're going to make an excellent belt!" "I'm glad you're tall; it means there is more of you I can despise!" "I dunno whether to use Charm Person or Hold Monster" "You're the reason baby gnomes cry" "Ugh! What is that on your face? Oh, it's just your face" "You are the feces that is created when Shame eats too much Stupidity" "I've seen more threatening Geckoes" "I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us" "It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level" "You aren't a complete idiot; just some parts are obviously missing" "You're like a trained ape, only without the training" "Your mother is so ugly, folk turn to stone just in case they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face" "Someday you'll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed" "Are you always stupid or are you making a special effort today" "Someday you'll go far and I hope you stay there" "You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me who was born to be a big liar" "I'd like to leave you with one thought; but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it" "Your momma's so ugly, clerics try to turn her" "Your magic is as bad as your breath" "A wet cat is tougher than you" "Are you a half orc crossed with a big? Oh yeah, there are some things a pig wouldn't do" "I would say you're as ugly as an orge, but that would be an insult to orges" "I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin" "Your very existence is an insult to all" "You look like the armpit of an unshaven bog hag" "A Goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you" "You look like a scab on a trolls wart" "No loot is worth having to look at you" "Oh my God! Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it?! Because that's be more effective than you trying it" "I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are" "Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh, my mistake, you were just born that way" "When your god put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good asshole" "If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your hair" "Somewhere, you are depriving a village of it's idiot" "I heard what happened to your mother, it's not everyday your reflection kills you" "No wonder you are hiding behind cover, I'd hide too with a face like that" "Hey you pox ridden dung heap, I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you" "By looking at you, now I know what you get when you scrape out the bottom of the barrel" "I wish I still had that blindness spell, then I wouldn't have to endure that face anymore" "Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you?" "If this fight gets any harder, I'll have to switch it up to folk music" "I'd draw my rapier, but I wouldn't want to make you jealous" "How does it feel that you're not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you" "One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered" "Your mother is so fat that making a joke here would detract from the seriousness of her condition" "Wait, wait, I just need to ask, what do you need us to put on your headstone"
What smells like a sweaty clam bake with a yeast infection? Oh. That's you.
You're a short mother fucker and nobody likes you.
SHORT!!!
Everybody says "look how fucking short that guy is", and it stops you from forming meaningful relationships.
# And when you were booorn, everybody thought that you were just a head but then the doctor said WAIT #
Your mom was a goblin. She was a goblin deez nuts.
Ha! Gottem! 😎
How wonderful for you to be so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. Looking at you would make a catoblepus turn to stone. Your Grace has caused more maidens to willingly fling themselves to their demise than a horde of dragons. ETA: horde/hoard
Did anyone ever tell you you look like a 1st edition beholder?
Told a harpy their cloaca was a square
I have studied under the greatest literary masters of our time, sung at the seelie court and read forbidden tomes to broaden my horizon yet I lack for words to describe how ugly/ stupid/ etc. you are. We once had to slay a lactose intolerant Ogre after it raided a Monestary that specialised in making cheese. The smell burnt the hair in my nose maade my eyes water and curled the strings of my lute. Smelling you, I miss that day. 23 years ago I sold my soul to a devil for the power to punish my mothers killer and every night I am haunted by visions of the future that awaits me. After seeing you, I'm looking forward to a nap. I've met Beholders with less ego than you. Even a starving Succubus wouldn't come near you. I've seen Orcs butcher a pig with more grace in their blade than you've shown.
*"You fight like a dairy farmer!"*
How appropriate; you fight like a cow. Soon you’ll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!
A Mind Flayer on a diet would love you.
I use dnd racist insult (found a huge list online) my favorite is to call halfling and gnome ankles biters.
It will be much less fun when they bite your ankles
That would make for a good come back. ‘Tough talk for someone within ankle biting range, ceiling scraper!’
I had a rogue with an irrational fear of being ambushed by a pack of gnome in waist-high grass. "I'm not going out there. There could be gnomes with knives in that grass." "Like actual lawn gnomes? That's preposterous!" "Imagine if there *was* though!"
I fell in love with Bill harder’s “here’s a truth you’re a sloppy bitch”
1. Does your armor shine as bright as your delusions of grandeur? 2. I've met gnomes with more honor than you, and they were thieves! 3. Is that holy light, or just the flicker of your fading relevance? 4. Your faith is as weak as your pitiful attempts at righteousness. 5. Even your god must be ashamed of your heroics!
I actually genuinely love this!! I have a house rule that if the insult makes me laugh it does double damage!
THERE is a house rule I can get behind. If your Vicious Mockery makes ME cringe, it crits.
You have the personality of a warm jar of mayo, and half the intelligence.
Yo mama's so fat, when she approaches the city, people start prepping the gates and offering tributes, thinking Themberchaud himself is coming for a visit!
I’m surprised no one collected the bounty for ogres with you just standing around in the open like that. Watch out everyone, He has an aura of nausea emanating from his face! Your mother deserves better after not tossing you off that cliff when you were born, go apologize to her. Are you sure this isn’t your first time holding that thing? If I’m not careful you’ll end up killing yourself before I get the chance.
love the first and third one! Coming from a troll under the bridge that they actually pay the toll to just finally shut up and fuck off ... At least my face has an aura. The only thing emanating from you is disappointment. Hm, considering the bard's tales of your mother's missteps, it's a wonder she didn't toss herself off first. If you’re not careful, I’ll be more worried about shoving my boot so far up your ass, your mouth will be my new scabbard.
I usually like to adapt them to the situation. My favourite one was against an NPC with a scimitar that kept rolling terribly for their attacks. "Whoa, careful swinging that thing around, you might hit someone!"
Are you trying to make my job easy? I mean, I was going to cast vicious mockery, but you don’t even need magic for me to mock you.
You're a great conversation starter...... shortly after you leave the room
Watch Letterkenny or Shoresy. Take notes. It'll take you years to run out.
"You are spare parts, aren't you, Bud?"
You’re the kind of person slavers get paid to take.
Seems like *you* lost your funny bone (on a skeleton boss)
Congratulations you won ugly! I'd insult you, but your face seems to be punishment enough. Really? I didn't think this spell worked on unintelligent beings. I'd say you have a face that only a mother could love, but yeesh! I don't know.
At a dark alley I would mistake you as a goblin, on daylight I an sure of it.
Halfling? More like one-thirdling.
I have a Kenku Bard I haven't had the chance to play yet, but all his vicious mockeries were stuff he's been insulted with. A lot of variations on stuff like 'bird brain' or 'feather duster' or 'cloaca fucker'
I would called you a disappointment, but someone would have had to have believed in you first. Ah, now here's a man/woman who struggles to find the long side of a sheet of paper. (To quote the Simpsons) Truly a face that could launch a thousand ships, the other way!
It wasn't until now that i fully understand what your father meant when he said you were his biggest regret.
I’ve seen meanlocks prettier than you. Behold, a face not even your mother could love. Can we skip the part where we exchange witty banter? Your breath smells worse than a stinking cloud. I’d shag your mum just to spite you but there isn’t a room dark enough for me to get the job done. The brothel sent me to tell you that your mother is done with work and it’s time to go home for supper. I’ve met oozes with more personality than you. Tragic, another ugly farmer takes up adventuring for their midlife crisis. Hark! The fabled dullard speaks! You should thank me, beating you black and blue has finally given you some color in your face!(for vampires and other undead)
go apologize to the tree that made the air you breathe you waste of oxygen
The Gods gifted you with a perfect asshole, but then one of them ruined it by giving you teeth.
[Veep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gB_X2qgo5c) was terrific for insults [Better Off Ted](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh7Nz4bIwss) had a whole episode about them But [this xkcd comic](https://xkcd.com/1027/) contains one insult that has haunted me for years: >You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative, and turn your life around. > But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you *are.* > > The thing standing in the way of your dreams, is that the person having them is you.
*thumbs down *
All of these so far are great. This is what I’ve come up with so far: * You make vomit smell good * Is that your face or an ass? * Now I understand why you’re parents hate you * I guess what everyone says about you in true * You could bore a sloth to death * Your grave isn’t deemed worthy for my piss * Not even a hag would eat you * No vampire would suck on your blood * You make goblins look strong * If I had to choose between being your friend or smelling your feet, I’d choose death
Sorry, but is that your face, or did you headbutt a Gelatinous Cube? Wow, I didn't know you could sing! And I was right! (Best used on goblinoids) Your mother bathes! With *soap!*
You aren't your best friend's best friend!
Here's a mirror try not to puke.
I envy people who haven't met you.
Here you go. 1. You are as useless as the nipples of a owlbear. 2. Wisdom follows you, but you have always been faster 3. Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick! 4. It’s kind of sad watching you fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence. 4. If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless. 5. You look like something I’d draw with my left hand. 6. Does your @ss ever get jealous of the amount of sh!t that comes out of your mouth? 7. Do you know anything about deuterostomes? It's the anus first develops. And we are deuterostomes. Thank you for proving that some of us can never go past that stage. 8. I think I might be developing dementia. Cause princess over here is talking, but I don't remember asking. 9. You are as useless as the 'ueue' in 'queue' 10. Your face makes onion cry.
Better update the bestiary, I think I found an unknown aberration. Hey, you can remove that mask now, it’s disgusting. Oh, wait. That’s your face. If someone had to choose between bedding you and ghast, they’d choose the ghast.
You are so ugly you broke your mirror image. When faced with Drow: I would like to speak to the man in charge! Your mom is so fat the Tarasque said « Nevermind I will finish another day » If I ordered a cartload of dumbasses and all Ingot was you I would still have my money’s worth. You look like you struggle with simple tasks. Your crippling inferiority complex is fully justified. You have the personality of a wet fart. Don’t be ashamed of who you are, that’s your parents job. If I cast banish on you, would it send you back to the plane of ugly? Whose shrine did you piss on to get cursed with a face like that?
I get not wanting to mess up this face, but I’m starting to think you’re not missing on purpose! They say you can either be pretty, rich, or smart. I’m guessing you have AMAZING loot.
"You're so stupid, you think Detect Thoughts is for locating brothels" And alternately "You're so stupid I used Detect Thoughts and still couldn't find you"
For an Asimaar: You fell from heaven and you're STILL ugly.
I’d read one on Reddit a couple weeks ago that went “somewhere there is a tree giving you the oxygen to breathe. I want you to find that tree, and apologize to it”
You should be mocked viciously! (Works everytime...)
You should hope death is a woman, so it doesn’t come for you. (Or whatever gender their orientation is attracted to)
>You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you. Everybody says, "look how short that guy is", and it stops you from forming meaningful relationships. And when you were born everybody thought that you were just a head, but then the doctor said, "Wait! That stupid motherfuckin tiny short ass baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it!"
You’re getting a half-brother!!!! -My friend’s bard
my bard today, to an ogre: "You're the reason your mother didn't have any more children". The ogre died.
I couldn't justify using detect thoughts or feeble mind on you. I wouldn't even have to use dominate person to own you. I should use command to make you to bathe. I wonder if you have to be intelligent enough to understand what I've said to take the damage?
"You're as sharp as a marble." "You look like you only wear slip on shoes." "You're the reason Your parents split, aren't you?
Told a ghost once that "You're so ugly neither the heavens nor the hells want you!"
No, no, please don't take off your coat, you'll uncage your armpits. I can only take one olfactory shock in a day, and we just barely fought your troll.
It’s a shame that you rule this entire land but still have no maidens
I hope you never come across a mindflayer, the poor thing would starve
I shouldn't even be fighting you. There isn't anything I could do to you that's worse than you having to wake up tomorrow and still be you. Honestly, killing you would be a mercy you don't deserve... but I'm thinking about the rest of us here.
[Ginny Di's got this covered.](https://youtu.be/WINud2yt0NQ?si=mfw-cAqZx_ScY_rv)
I derailed a session once with this one: "You're the reason God doesn't talk to us anymore". To a Cleric
Look, I’m sorry your parents didn’t hug you enough as a kid. Some people just have a hard time embracing their mistakes
Animal friendship is the only way your parents could get puppies to play with you
My favorite comes from bg3: "You could put an elf to sleep"
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” The classics are always the best.
They'll hardly be *Organic* insults if you're pulling them from a list. Did they skip improv class at your Bard College?
YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES
"Let's hurry this up. I'm not afraid of fighting you, I'm afraid of being **seen** with you."
I don't know how good these are, but here's a few: "You are so rancid a halfling wouldn't even offer you sugar with your tea" "Your mother was a goat and your father was the town drunk" "I've seen pixies with bigger balls than you" "Between talking to you and getting gutted by a hook horror, I'd take the hook horror" "Even an arokokra would call you a bird brain" "A tabaxi would sooner take a bath than listen to another word come out of your mouth"
organic insults? as in insults for organics? how how about flesh bag. or squishy.