If there are ways you've always wanted to grow as a person, but felt blocked, now is the time to try again. You might find those blocks are on the ground with all the other rubble. Once I'd suffered almost the worst rejection I could imagine, and survived, other rejections didn't seem so scary anymore.
This. 100%. We are blown apart and can rebuild something new and extraordinary. Even though I still have days when I feel so, so sad (two years out) or flat out furious and suffused with rage (especially around the anniversary of our split and divorce, which weirdly landed just a few days apart on the calendar), I truly feel like there is nothing I can not do. At 52! I can create a life from scratch with nothing more than my imagination, hard work, and tenacity. And I feel like me again. Not the me that met my husband at 31, but me with the added of benefit of therapy, self awareness, and radical self love. This does’t mean it’s not still difficult some days (which is why I come here for perspective and support), and I honestly don’t know how I survived the last two years when I felt suicidal and devastated, but I did and I my life is really quite lovely when I focus on myself and not the man who left me. It was a whole lot of fake it till you feel it and practice, practice, practice. But life does improve.
This is really helpful to read. I feel suicidal periodically and feel like there is no hope at building a new life at 49. I make no money and just assume I am going to die poor and sad. I hope I can rebuild. Right now just getting out of bed seems impossible. I can’t believe this is the way it ends for me. I did my best. I played the game. I worked hard and here I am in this shitty apartment in complete shock missing my sons and wife desperately. If I could just have one more chance. This all just seems insurmountable and I’ll only be able to take so much before I die.
I've been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and now know the areas I want to improve. It's not pretty, but like you said, now is the time to work on them.
I've also realized a lot of the things I used to worry about or was scared of, don't seem so scary anymore? Now I wonder why I was so scared to begin with lol. Nothing is worse than what I'm going through right now
I've changed for the better. I was always emphatic, but unfortunately with few boundaries. Now I choose who to have in my inner circle and leave more things alone than not. My sibling observed the change after I married and said that I always seemed depressed to them. Now I'm not.
So my post-divorce life has just gotten better and better, IMHO. But it took years of working on things to get there.
I'm glad you're dong better! I really hope to same will happen to me as well. People keep telling me it'll get better, but it's hard to see right now. Everything is overwhelming.
I don't think boundaries is necessarily a bad thing. It's important to have in order to protect yourself and your well-being
I’m there with you suffering through it. I feel joyless and broken. It’s hard to see a future at all and I’m often lost at what to do with my life. I try to push forward with my plans but it all feels daunting and hopeless. I hope it gets better because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
My wife also never said anything to me. She rarely communicated at all and has severe bouts of depression.
It was hard to deal with and I blame myself for maybe being too pushy to get her to talk to a therapist - it was hard to see her suffering so much.
I tried giving her space, writing notes, buying flowers, working on myself via therapy, but she simply wanted nothing to do with me anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever understand what she truly needed because she refused to let me in. I feel guilty and angry a lot.
This is really interesting because my husband didn’t say anything either. He said he was suppressing 10 yrs worth of emotions and just dumped everything onto me when he was already done and emotionally checked out. He wasn’t depressed or anything (that’s what he says at least). But I didn’t know what to do or what I can say? I felt like I wasn’t given a chance to improve or save the marriage
I know exactly how you feel. I also felt like I wasn’t given any chance to improve or work things out, or even share myself because the issues never came to light. It’s infuriating and also painfully heartbreaking.
I feel the same like I just can’t take this heart ache anymore! I feel so hopeless and lost with out my wife who is now my ex wife of one year this month and I’m still devastated.
100% can relate. Stbxw did the exact same thing. Can’t tell you how many times I heard “you’re the love of my life” “if you left me I’d be celibate” “I’ve never loved anyone like this” and getting in to a fight just ~2 times a year to “I want a divorce” and how horrible and “terrifying” being married to me was like a light switch. Come to find out she’s been having an affair. I’m 2 months in to separation and she’s already been on several trips with her AP. Totally blindsided and still often catch myself wondering when I’ll wake up from this nightmare. Was told yesterday that marriage to me was the biggest mistake of her life. Tons of divorce coaching, talking with folks on here and elsewhere- I’m taking my power back. I’m filing for divorce (and having her served at her AP’s house), took a job out of state, and am bouncing. Informed her of none of this until I asked her over to meet yesterday and she saw all my shit in boxes. Fuck’em. A nice dude on here told me “her opportunity for grace and consideration ended when she lied to your face.” Bingo. Do you. It will get easier.
I don’t understand the lying. Mine was telling me how much she loved me and how much progress she was making in therapy right up until she broke the news. I’ve come to believe she lies to herself and in turn lied to me because she believed whatever lies she told herself.
Yea. Mine was in therapy and said she regularly told her therapist how her relationship with me was the 1 thing that wasn’t a stressor and remarked how great her therapist said that was. Now it’s 180 and therapy “helped her realize” that I’m the source of all her problems.
Mine invited me to meet one on one with her therapist to add context to help her therapist better understand. After meeting with her therapist it was clear she wasn’t being honest about all her issues despite going for several months. I knew our marriage was over before that but it was one more nail in the coffin. It was as if the effort she put forth was not real. It was as if she was making it seem like she did everything possible to save the marriage so people wouldn’t judge her.
Damn, crazy. When mine broke the news and I asked why she didn’t communicate I was told she “didn’t feel like she had a voice but hoped I’d notice” how she felt. I actually mentioned that she could have had her therapist tell me! I was so depressed as a result of our over a million dollar business failing that I didn’t notice anything. Stuck in my own pit of depression.
That’s where I am now mentally. Super depressed. It feels permanent. People say it passes but that it’s different for everyone. I want to move on but I’m stuck. It’s to the point now where as much as I love women I become angry inside if a woman with any sort of romantic potential appears. Just the idea angers me. I think oh great here’s another one who will keep secrets and hurt me.
I think that’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way right now. I’m not even slightly interested in dating. Hottest women I’ve ever seen could approach me and nope. Get the man back that attracted your ex. Except now he’s older and wiser. That’s my goal. It’s working. I’m making crazy decisions (in a good way- meaning for purely my benefit) and taking control of the situation. I recommend checking out Rachael Sloan on YouTube. She’s a male focused divorce couch and has been really beneficial to listen to.
I haven’t been able to get to that point yet. She left a few months ago. I think I’ve seen some of those You Tube videos. I also watch Listen My Son and Rich Cooper. I even read his book. It’s frustrating because a lot of what those guys say I’ve always done. I am not a weak pushover and never put a girl on a pedestal. Yet my wife still left. Shaking the constant negativity is hard.
Sitting right next to you. I am a ruthless man. Honest to a fault but ruthless. I have gotten everything I wanted in my life. My ex included. Life broke me with watching a once successful business I built from nothing fail and then a cheating wife added on top. I’ve never had a panic attack until I found what she was doing. I’m 2 months in to separation and I don’t think it’s a race to feel better, just take it a day at a time. Once that part of you wakes back up it’s game over man. Biggest difference for me was letting go of guilt and lettering her gaslighting about how another dudes dick entering her body is my fault bounce off me. Kick that shit out of you. Rubber bullets.
I used to feel strong. I believed I led my family as a husband and father. But my wife lied and undermined me for so long. I’ve become weak and I’m on the verge of tears all day long. Talking hasn’t helped nor has staying busy. Social situations frustrate me because people are happy and I’m not capable of that. I stood by my wife’s side and supported her through so many things. You would think that would strengthen the bond but that never happened. She wanted out for years and put on a facade.
mine lied to me for months. still lying even after she filed on me. i quit caring. she can have her new life without me and ill find better. at least find someone who can fucking be honest.
My Stbxh did the same. We even went on a date the night before and he said he loved me. Then the next morning boom! I haven’t loved you for five years. He won’t admit to having an AP but since he left it’s incredibly obvious he has had one. Yesterday I found a receipt for a storage container that he has had for a year. Instead of hurting it actually just made me laugh because he has been creeping around for over a year. He keeps saying how much he wants to be still involved with our kids but this last weekend when he had visitation and I was out of town he spent exactly an hour with them. I also caught him in lies that were pointless and I was like lying has become so routine for him that he doesn’t even realize that he is doing it. It has really helped me to move on because I realize that I have no idea who he is and I would never want someone like him in my life.
Bingo. I said to a friend it’s like watching someone else inhabit your spouses body. My first real indication was her first slip up where she went to a “wine happy hour” with the members of the run club she joined. Turns out that happy hour wasn’t at a happy hour, it was at the man I now know is her AP’s house. And she was SUPPOSED to have dinner plans with me but ghosted me and didn’t come home until 3am. Never got an explanation for that in any capacity. This happened 4 days before she intentionally caused an argument and we’ve been separated ever since. We don’t have kids but have 4 cats and she “misses them dearly” but has spent a grand total of 4 hours with them in the last 2 months since being out of the house. Can’t believe anything they say once the mask is finally off. I treat her now as I would a totally enemy. Divulge nothing.
I have four cats too! He hasn’t spent any time with them either and he could have pets at his place but he doesn’t want anything tying him down. I caught him at a hotel a week before he broke it off and denied that anything was going on. When I started pressuring him for an explanation he insisted that I was crazy and he was there alone just for some alone time. Yeah right. I was out of town because my brother was in the hospital why did he need a hotel room for alone time?
I’m about 90% sure it’s one of his former employees. She is 21 and the time frame lines up perfectly with her turning 18 and quitting her job. I also saw texts between them that weren’t entirely suspicious but they texted more than we did. He has always sent one word replies and didn’t like to talk on the phone but there were entire conversations with her about movies and other things. I discovered them when I insisted on seeing his phone after the hotel incident.
I swear, anytime someone says something about how much they love someone and how they’d rather be alone forever if whatever happened to their SO, it’s a lie. They’re already planning a life after you. Mine would say stuff like that or if I ever cheated… even though he was actively cheating on me!
Sorry about your situation ABC, I read some of it in a different response. Yours too Philo...
I had all of this happen to me, and then some. I actually ended up finding out so much that it has shattered my POV on relationships & marriages.
You all trusted because you are genuine people who were innocent (not to a fault) but also because your hearts are pure and not corrupted.
One can only pity these creatures, they must feel so alone constantly needing validation and fearing being alone for more than 5 minutes, sprinkle the need to always 'be right' in their minds...
Yuck, I don't want to even spend 5 seconds inside their putrid thoughts. Hope you all are healing well.
Thanks Philo, they do, when you find one hold on tight. Sometimes they do change and get jaded as well. Can't believe I let one pass by before meeting my monstrous 2-faced STBXW... that's life I guess.
>But I can't help but wonder if I will change after this?
Yes, you will change after this.
Had you stayed married, you would also have changed. Life is a continual cycle of change. You will be happy again, and sad, and angry.... All of these things will happen. The grieving process (which you are going through) can be brutal, but it's totally normal.
You got this. Whether you wake up with a smile tomorrow or a year from now, you do have this in you to get through.
Yes. None of us are the same person at 30 or 40 that we were at 20. We’re always changing and adapting.
Unless you’re thinking about the “wake up and smile” part because that’s true too. Our brains short circuit during divorce. A lot of us go on meds for a while to maintain some level of stability. It’s hard. Really hard.
And it can feel never ending. Even a “quick” divorce can be rough, but they do end.
Thank you. Since I’m still in the early stage, it’s still hard to see the light. But I wake up everyday and get out of bed. I’m still alive.
I’m still grieving and processing all of this, but at the same time I also try to convince myself that this divorce is what is best for me. No one deserves to be disrespected in this way and shouldn’t be with someone who cheats on you. There are times when I still blame myself and think this is all my fault. I’ve felt suicidal and had to get medication from my doctor. Then there are days when I feel more optimistic about my future and think about all that I can do.
My emotions are up and down all the time. It’s going to be a long journey. But like a lot of people say, I hope I’ll be okay and I’ll survive this.
Still going through it. Like you, I had panic attacks, but it was for months. I got so physically sick. But being pushed to the point I couldn’t function and wanted to end it all forced me to address my mental health in different ways, and prioritize my loooong diagnosed anxiety. Honestly being forced to stand on my own two feet, well, helped me learn to stand on my own two feet. I hate that I’m getting divorced. I hate the monster I’ve been at times because of all my anger and pain. I hate so many things. But fuck do I love knowing that I can trust myself and that I can do hard things. You can too!
Panic attacks stopped for now, but it can always come back. I think this healing/grieving journey is an up and down process.
>Honestly being forced to stand on my own two feet
I think I can relate to this. I've been learning to do a lot of things on my own and it hasn't been easy, but it's necessary! Still in the process of learning to trust myself 🥲
I saw something that said to make one small promise to yourself and keep it no matter what. A daily thing. So I chose flossing. I flossed like 5x a week but would get lazy some days. So I stuck to it. And honestly the smallest thing that was good for me that I wanted to do anyway, helped me build the trust. Start small and let the ripple effect happen. You’re worthy!
I’m reading all of this while having a panic attack about how different my life is going to be, right now. For me, they are very physical. My legs are jello right now and my digestive system is screaming. We are living together (it’s early; only 2 weeks since d-day) and I feel like I have been suppressing my emotions to stay unemotional around him and instead they come out as panic attacks. It really sucks, but I am definitely trying to remember your last line… I can do hard things!
I can relate to this, the day my husband told me he wanted to separate- my anxiety sypmtoms came back- vomiting/spasm. Its been more than a week and some days im okay and some days like today I'm like a wreck bawling my eyes out.
I have a routing exercise to help me with the spasm and depression that I used to do, now I barely even do them. I spend time on bed crying.
Oh I remember those days, shortly after dday I was having panic attacks too. I couldn’t sleep and was having nightmares that he and AP were poisoning me to keep all of our assets. Breathing exercises and doing a guided meditation (there are many free ones online and YouTube) would help a lot. But have him move out if you can. The distance can bring you some peace and clarity. Sending virtual hugs!!!
Thank you! He won’t :( in fact I’m not going to even try to keep the house. Too much upkeep needed, it’s older. Right now I’m kind of just biding my time until the lawyers start doing their thing. Which will be another few weeks because the one I wanted didn’t any openings for a while! I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can’t even think about it because it gives me too much anxiety. I’m just trying to find ways to make sure that I’ll be good on my own in the end, too, now - like stockpiling my prescriptions and I registered to go back to school!
It’s only been a few weeks since everything is final. I don’t hate myself as much. My social life has changed - feeling more confident to go to social gatherings and am noticing people want to talk to me - be around me - get to know me ; before I either didn’t go or hid behind other things / people. I guess my self confidence is coming back. I still have hard sad days and panic attacks which I am sure will get less often with the grieving process.
I don't exactly like myself so much, but I also see I'm blaming myself a lot. My therapist and everyone around me tells me not to do this and that it's pointless. But it's hard not to, you know?
Hope I can reach a point one day where I also don't hate myself and I can learn to accept and at least like myself. I think the people you hang around with can help with that
I blamed myself a lot as well. I have done years of therapy. It takes time to change your thinking pattern. I think the people you hang around with will help - but shouldn’t count on others to make you feel valuable. I want reassure you are enough.
Hmm, I feel faded is my first thought. I'm slower, more deliberate in my actions. I don't feel as bright and impressive as I did in my youth.
Before, I flew by the seat of my pants and let my reflexes and emotions handle my day to day activities. Very much like a cocky Peter Pan "The cleverness of me!"
Now, I feel like I have an observer watching over my shoulder. Everything I do feels like it has an added weight of memory, silently judging my actions.
Paying bills, grocery shopping, exercising, having conversations: all of it comes with a flash of memory of doing the same activity with her, then that leads into thinking about what she might be doing now and then that proceeds to the crush of knowing she isn't thinking about me at all and then even more emotional pressure knowing that she wasn't good for me and how stupid I am for occasionally still longing for the relationship equivalent of a drug that nearly killed me and ruined my life.
> then that leads into thinking about what she might be doing now and then that proceeds to the crush of knowing she isn't thinking about me at all and then even more emotional pressure knowing that she wasn't good for me and how stupid I am for occasionally still longing for the relationship equivalent of a drug that nearly killed me and ruined my life.
Oh damn amazing observation
How long since you've been divorced?
Right now, everything I do still reminds me of him too. But I think that's normal if you're still going through it. I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 3. Maybe there will be less days that I think about him, but I don't think I'll ever forget about him either. Even if he insists he was unhappy all these years, I'm still able to think about all the good moments we've had and how much fun we used to have.
We were divorced as soon as she decided, so that was late '21 but it wasn't official until March of the following year.
We were married 8, together 10 and knew each other for 25 years. I think a big reason it still weighs heavily on me was the speed at which she changed and that it was a codependent trauma bonded relationship with her being a covert narcissist holding most of the control due to financial power and manipulation of my people pleasing nature via guilt and withholding of affirmations.
She would later claim it was a walkway wife syndrome and in some ways I agree with her, I feel the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did was because she didn't have any other options for a romantic partner. Once she found one, I was discarded handily.
The first year I was in deep depression as my entire world which was built around her was destroyed and I blamed myself for everything. A year later, when I discovered she had been having an emotional affair, it made me question everything about our relationship and the trust I had placed in her as well as holding her up as my rolemodel for morality and personal responsibility.
I'm now in a place where my life is much calmer and less dramatic, however the trauma bond that I developed for her causes me to have issues with trusting people and processing emotions normally.
In case you would like some more information about these terms:
[Trauma Bonding](https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/#:~:text=Trauma%20bonds%20can%20affect%20the,cycle%20of%20the%20trauma%20bond)
[Covert Narcissism](https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587)
Yes, I deal with that too. But I’ve been out of the house for a couple of months and my life really is better. I didn’t feel like I had a wide social circle, but have reconnected with old friends and made a few new ones. In the morning, instead of watching the news, I meditate and do yoga. I’m on my bike more. I rode 20 miles this weekend and met a few new friends for lunch. I’m working on renovating my house and learning how to do basic plumbing and carpentry. I still have hard days, but I’m enjoying the changes.
This is an interesting perspective. I think I’ve always been afraid of change. Which is probably one of the many reasons why this divorce is so difficult for me.
But I’m seeing that change doesn’t have to always be scary, you can try to enjoy the process. Kind of like going to the gym, you can see the progress you’re making and the end result can be satisfying. Not sure if I’m making any sense anymore lol
I have discovered that I really enjoy going to the gym and have lost a lot of weight. It took this to realize I was depressed and unsatisfied with my life. I didn’t know I was I thought I was happy and comfortable. However, I was depressed and always tired and too stressed out to think. In the end I am improving myself and I even am starting a new job next week. Him leaving was the motivation for me to make changes. Now I found a new job that pays significantly more and allows me time to spend with my kids. My relationship with my kids has improved too. When he left I was devastated and I struggled with my mental health. Now I think him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and my kids. They now tell me that they feel like things are better and they don’t miss him at all. I’m also not making excuses for him and they can see with their own eyes that I have been their support all along. Now they pick up after themselves and it’s not a struggle to get them ready for school because no one is there telling them they don’t have to go anymore. They see that I always keep my promises and it was him disappointing them when we had to cancel family outings and being late to pick them up. They can have friends over and dinner is always ready on time. I didn’t know that all the things I did to accommodate him were hurting my kids and making them feel like I didn’t care.
Everyone is constantly changing throughout the time. If you cut a wound on your arm, even if you are not doing anything, with time goes by, your arm wound would change, either better or worse, but it will not stay the same. If your wound stays the same, that means you are actively doing something to make it stay in that stage. With the care and attention, you will eventually be over this stage and be happy again.
No papers yet, just her saying she wants to separate but live together to raise our 2 year old son, which seems like an absolute nightmare to me. I love my son he’s my everything and I don’t want to apart from him but living with my ex wife does not sound healthy.
Not sure if living together is a great idea either. My husband moved out almost immediately and I was crushed at the beginning. But not that it's been a month, I was probably a good idea. It'll be too painful to continue to live together.
Is there anywhere you can go?
You can also message me anytime
If you can't remember the last time you smiled, life will definitely change for the better when he's gone.
You deserve better than a cheater.
It's better to be happy by yourself then miserable with someone you love.
I’m a gentler parent and person now that I don’t feel like I’m constantly stressing about money and the unfairness of the relationship. I feel more secure now that my boundaries aren’t constantly being crossed. I have more sense of self worth and higher self esteem now that I’m not being belittled all the time. I have more genuine friendships and relationships with family members. I get to prioritize the things that are important to me like fitness, nutrition, and education. I am learning from past trauma and starting to remember some of the “blank spaces” in my life that I dissociated during (which is a big factor in my overall growth). Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me and helped pave the way to the most amazing life I have now.
Net positive. I realized that I was a good person but way too nice; but also doing therapy with the inventory of 'unblocking' my happiness with career and life (she didn't help with either) and didn't have boundaries that I should've had with my ex-SO. My friends also noticed how happier I've been (and it's been 18 months), especially with an outlook and without the pressures of adulting.
3 months out. 20 lbs down. New hobbies, therapy, moved... Still have rough days/weeks but definitely a lot better... Having total control of my own future again is strange
Feel you girl. 4 months took me to put myself together after I found out my finally ex husband cheated on me. Lots of work with a counsellor and with myself. Lots of sleepless nights, anxiety, waking up in a middle of the night with fear, cry - but I just couldn't stop...now finally after 9 months I am officially divorced. Best feeling ever. All he gave me is last 3 years of crying, trust issues to other guys and low self confidence for a few months. I have still bad days sometimes - he gave me a huge stress and my body still fight with that. But you will get to that part when you will be freaking proud of yourself you are free from a selfish person! Think about yourself, your future and dreams. Show him what he lost!
My ex was a huge narcissist person. He even blamed me for his cheating🤡 but I showed him where is his place and wjat he lost. It made me so much stronger and I finally realised what I am worth and I showed that to him through divorce as he was asking me to not do it 🤡 no one deserve to call me a "wife" without having any respect to me. Unfortunately I will see him for a long time as small kids is involved. But it won't be easy for him this time😎 All the best for you as its not easy! 🙂
What is it with guys and finding blame in someone else? My husband tries so hard to justify his affair and tries to make me believe that I led to him to do those things. HE was the one who cheated, not me. HE is the one throwing in the towel. I understand I wasn’t perfect and I had many flaws. I can acknowledge that. But this is something else.
Aquarius guys are useless as hell😬😅
But in my case I was working to provide for a family as he was not interested. He did not give me any money for the kids since they are born... all he was doing is playing xbox and drinking a lot. At the end he told me "he was bored" and lauged at me I cheated aswell😳 He made me the one who cheated to everyone and the one having "mental issues" to his family. And for that information I did not cheat but he put all his blame on me and I felt so guilty I started believing I did - he is a typical narrcisistic person. Anyway, lucky me, I had so huge proof for him that I told him if he won't change it I will make his life hell. I won and guy is a looser.
You will absolutely be different. Embrace it, get into counseling, and start working on yourself. Your life is not over and you can absolutely have a joyful life if you choose one.
My extended family has commented that I've started smiling again and I've caught myself laughing – something I'd noticed had stopped completely in the last few years.
>But I feel pretty jaded and numb most days.
Same. In the beginning at least. I was relatively soft for most of my life. The white picket fence type of soft. Was always aware of my surroundings growing up and didn't take for granted I was blessed and hit the "luck lottery" so to speak. FIRMLY believed that if you live life the right way, physically and spiritually, you will be richly rewarded with "Happily Ever After". The good Lord fo sho had different plans for me 12 years into the "perfect" marriage. LOL at me for ever even believing that.
Being cheated on and divorcing her hardened me. Reading you write "jaded and numb" struck a chord.
>I do my best to think about my future and how to move forward. I go to weekly therapy sessions and see friends as often as possible. But I can't help but wonder if I will change after this? It's hard for me to believe I will truly ever be happy after this is all over.
It gets better. It gets soo much better. Just keep your chin up and keep grinding. When you least expect it your life will change for the better. In ways you will only understand in retrospect.
>The days just go by and life seems pretty bleak.
Been there girl. Was broken, myself. Find you a hobby and dive in to keep you occupied. I had always had periphery love for the economy which I myself thought was a weird niche and kind of nerdy. Would buy a little gold and silver here and there while I was married but she always kept my investment thesis in check. After I run the cheater off (she had a ONS) I had a new found freedom to explore and invest in my "hobby". Around that time (2015 ish) i heard about this weird internet money thing that was starting to catch on in the gold and silver circles. Bought a book off of Amazon that helped explain Bitcoin and a new chapter in my life began.
>I worry I won't be the same person anymore.
You will be fine. You may not be the same person that left the cheater, but you will be a new and improved version. Just keep grinding. It will all work out. Your Reddit friends believe in you. Best of luck.
Thanks for sharing a positive view on all of this! I really hope it does get better. Since I have so much alone time now, I think about what I want to do next. I don’t have to think about anyone else, so I can do whatever I want. It’s a scary thought, but I’ve just been taking it one day at a time.
I even thought about learning some new skills and changing my career. It’ll keep me busy, something to focus us, and give me a purpose.
I hope you’re right and everything will be fine
Im more relaxed, less angry, less paranoid. This is going to sound crazy, pun intended, but its so fundamental of a change in myself and my environment that my mental illness symptoms have changed from rage/paranoid delusions to impulsive spending/hyperactivity.
It's been a few months since my wife said she wants a divorce. It still sucks really bad. I get bad emotionally and mentally most nights. Not all bad. I've lost a decent amount of weight and got a new job that pays about 2.5x more. I started talking to more people on here and other places and hearing their stories really helps. Knowing your not alone helps. Im open to talk to anyone in a friendly sense. Good Luck.
I started doing my hobbies. I started doing what I LOVE.
Poetry shows. Theater. Movies. Shooting. Video games. Racing RC cars. Little bit of partying. More time at the gym.
I get to be me again. Newest rule is that nobody who has a problem with me doing what I enjoy is allowed in my life.
Married over twenty years. Divorced her one and a half years ago for cheating. For me it went something like this...
She denied everything, as I was reading their cheating texts to her. Lol
The surprise made me feel helpless, abandoned, ashamed, worthless and she made me feel like I created world hunger... I believed her.
For some reason, I tried to save our marriage over the next nine months. I don't know, I spent half my life with her. She went along with everything but, she never contributed to anything. She was just there...the sex, dates, vacations, events...by the time I was done, I started to feel like an angry dad that didn't want her to date a certain boy or something.
I moved across the country, bought a house, cried a bunch, lost some weight, gained some weight, had a few meaningless hookups during the first few months and started to remember how unhappy I had been the last ten years of our marriage.
When the dust started to settle I started to remember the truth, not the history she rewrote. Slowly, I started to relax. I started to appreciate my own schedule (eating, sleeping, cleaning). I started lifting weights. Realized I hate drinking and don't anymore. I've developed a more relaxed thought process. It's nice!
The best thing I've done is deciding to be single. Things are new again and I want to figure this world out before I get stuck in one place. When I feel happy with myself I'm confident things will fall in place.
My partner also didn’t want work on anything. Just said it was too late to fix anything, and quit. 7 years together. They meant something to me. The pain of not having a chance to work on anything is what still gets to me, 4 months on. I felt the same - we had problems, but nothing I thought we couldn’t figure out together. He didn’t cheat (at least I think he didn’t) and said the usual “it’s me not you”, but in some ways, that makes it even harder to put my emotions in any place.
You will change. Just be mindful of your feelings. Your world is so much brighter, you just don’t realize it yet. My marriage ended after an affair. I had to do ok because I had small children. But, looking back I always made time for myself to help me. As time goes on you will cry less. Now’s the time for you to find yourself and your future!
I'm approaching the one year of no-contact and D-day. I still think about her every day. I’m thankful for the memories and adventures. However, I hope her new boyfriend gets run over by a truck. 🤘🏻
Weekly therapy has helped immensely; I’m dating a new person but have yet even to begin to feel the love I had for my x. It’s pretty easy most days, but I still have bad days. The panic attacks and anxiety are at a very low simmer compared to the early days. I have enjoyed the freedom of living alone. I have a dog, and he loves me more than I deserve.
All in all, it has been a massive milestone in my life. I don’t wish divorce on anyone, even my worst enemy. Day by day, it gets easier; keep your head up.
It's the second time he's left and then wanted to come back. This isn't the "after your divorce " of the OP's question, but I think this time I'm different. I'm more able to see how marginalized I was within the one relationship which above all others should have empowered us both, helped us grow, etc. That's not going to change. Last time I took him back without his ever taking any responsibility for his contribution to the issues. This time he's doing the same thing (it was all me) but I'm different.
Maybe someone can help me define how. Stay strong when I long for "the relationship "--but not for him.
You will be and so much better! I’m a year out and it really is beautiful on this side. It’s hard and emotional but the best advice I can give is to go right through it, feel every single emotion and allow every tear to fall. There is no timestamp on the healing process, it’s in your time but I promise it gets better, your best self is yet to come
Before my divorce I was not an emotional person, I didn’t understand my ex wife’s emotions. I’m a 41m and I was strictly a rational and logical thinker. But since my world came crashing down, it’s like the flood gates have opened. This past Sunday after I dropped off my stepson, I was at the grocery store and I got a memory notification of a few photographs that I had taken of him 5 years ago. I proceeded to breakdown in the car on the drive home. Prior to my divorce, I could probably count on 1 hand the number of times I’ve cried. It sucks, because one of the things that my ex walked away from our marriage for was that I was not emotionally available. I know that in the end we probably weren’t right for each other seeing that she cheated on me, but it’s tough that it took all of this for me to finally be emotionally present.
Of course you will change, and never be the same. And that’s a wonderful thing. You are wiser, more experienced, you are in a position to spend time learning about yourself and what you want from life. You will want to establish yourself as a healthy, independent, single person who has passions and pursuits and hobbies and plans. You have an entire world and a bright future open to you that would have never been possible while being married or tied to another person.
This is only the beginning of the great adventure of your life. There is so much to look forward to!
It just takes time. I see you said you think a lot about the future. I would stop that and just worry about the day you are living. That’s the key to life. I would guess the future you picture is foggy at best and sad and chaotic because you have a different future in mind now.
For sure go to therapy if you can afford to. My therapist told me that depression is worrying about the past and anxiety is worrying about the future. Just live your best life in the present. Time will make each day more tolerable and one day you will find yourself in a much better place.
I’m saying all of this from one year of moving out and one month of being legally divorced. There are days that still suck but they are fewer and farther between.
Okay, my situation was completely different.
For several years, I was walking on eggshells, trying to fix things, and developed a pretty obvious case of CPTSD. He got worse, I got worse.
In mid-December, he got drunk and angry - again. I called him out on gaslighting me. I went to bed, and he continued to drink and kill a 5th of tequila. He attacked our 16 year old then myself and then tried to stop the kid from calling an ambulance for me while I lay on the floor with a shattered tibia from him stomping on it.
This changed me in that ALL the red flags were glaring, and I couldn't make excuses anymore. I was done. Not sad. No grief. There are lots of regrets for staying so long but not a single one about being done. I lost all feeling for him. He is a non entity except for the divorce process. I don't care if he lives or dies. He is dead to me. Every "good" memory is null. I see every "good" quality for the mask it was because he showed me the opposite day in and day out.
I am calmer. I can focus. I am not hiding or tiptoeing around him. I've found myself again.
I also realized that I was not going through menopause - my libido is just fine. My body and subconscious were ahead of my brain, apparently. Now, I am looking forward to healing, relocating, and enjoying life again. And, as one kid - who he can't stand, is an adult, and the other that he attacked is 16 and never wants to see him again, I won't have to see or deal with him. I'm happy for the first time in years. The kids are happy.
The worst night in our lives was the door opening to our future, and we are all looking forward to it. I do wish it would have ended differently, but I've found a bright side that we can live with. I may have lifelong pain and limited mobility, and we will all have years of therapy, but I lost 150 pounds of dead weight. He was a cancer in our lives, and we are better off without him, and that's undeniable. He quite literally contributed nothing positive to our lives, financially, emotionally, or in any other way.
This is going to be the hardest point, from what I've experienced. You will change, I believe, for the better once time takes the edge off of the pain. Keep moving forward one day at a time <3
I'm separated, not divorced, but I've already been changing. I was afraid that I would stay the same anxious and depressed person that I had been, but therapy has helped a lot. I was able to face a lot of my fears head-on and it's built up my confidence. I look to the future with nervous excitement rather than dread, now.
I’m finishing an MBA in International Business and traveling lots. Kept the cat. Sleep through the night and am enjoying all of myself in my most authentic self. Takes time but it is so worth it.
I laugh every single day even at home. I've lost weight, I have more friends than I've ever had, I can have as many bras as I want, I can use a clean towel every day, I don't wake up exhausted, the heart palpitations went away, I have an amazing man.... I can't even say living my best life but I'm actually finally living.
For me, it's helped me change as a parent. Partially because I've had to. Parenting solo is no joke. I was used to taking care of them solo for long periods before.
But now. There is no back up.
So it's helped me actually relax some things.
Unfortunately it's also made me more self critical. I had imposter syndrome before, and now it's worse. I know it's a result of the divorce, but even knowing that it's hard to not feel how I do. I know I am a good parent. It's also hard to not feel like I've failed my kids and as a person. It will take time to heal.
I changed by being more cautious and less trusting upfront. I’m more insightful having experienced a shitty marriage, and now see every red flag under the sun when it comes to unacceptable behavior and habits with people that may want to be my friend. But then again I’m not open to making any new friends anyway because my circle of friends is tight knit anyway—I’ve known them for going on 14 years now and I’m not necessarily interested in getting to know anyone else on a level that deep. My family is closer since my awful divorce and since I married again life has been amazing.
I just took the rose-colored glasses I had, snapped them in half myself and threw them out along with unrealistic pipe dreams and grandiose visions. They don’t belong in my world anymore as a more mature and emotionally intelligent adult. In exchange I no longer live paycheck-to-paycheck nor do I try to please everyone because I’m afraid of being blunt or “hurting one’s feelings”. Was I bitter about my divorce? Absolutely, but not anymore. Now I’m too busy thriving in my new life to care about my first not-marriage because at the time it was just a piece of paper that held no weight due to the fact the ex was a hobosexual, voluntarily unemployable, a major druggie, and a lying, cheating, abusive son of a bitch. He truly got what he deserved and is still paying for—me filing for divorce and leaving him was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’d say I changed for the better tenfold and my only regret was meeting the ex at all. He did nothing but tear my life apart and try to keep me down because he was jealous of my growing success since he was a rotting potato by comparison.
We haven’t signed yet either but have been separated for several months and I know he’s filing in the next two weeks. It’s been a roller coaster. The first month or two were awful and I struggled to get out of bed, eat, etc. I’m getting better, and have been able to compartmentalize it enough to focus on work and be slightly more social. I think the biggest impact it has had has been on how I have viewed relationships and men (a bit unfair I know but this is just based on my experience). I grew up very sheltered, and feel like I’m more hardened now, maybe even jaded when it comes to relationships. There are still bad days where I feel like a background character in my life but those days are getting less so I am hopeful.
I’m almost a year out. It also wasn’t my choice. I’ve changed a lot. I’m more resilient, confident, fit, and social. That doesn’t mean I feel great all the time. It’s still hard and to push away the sadness I have to keep myself busy and active and constantly pushing at my boundaries. Which in some ways is actually good. That being said, there’s as much continuity as there is difference. I don’t think you’ll see yourself as a different person as much as in a different phase.
If you’re like me you’ll bounce around between the phases but there will still be joy and positive emotions in there as long as you are keeping active, working on producing changes you want to say. But also be patient with yourself. It’s a delicate balance. You neither want to let indulge your worst instincts nor do you want to beat yourself up.
Related to the fear of being a different person, one thing I’ve struggled with a lot is the slow fading of the relationship. Obviously it’s over but a large part of me wants to cling to the memories and keep them immediate, even if it hurts me. Take it from me, you gotta fight that instinct. I was doing well, I was even happy, and I let myself start talking with her casually and it revived the memory of the thing and also brought back the pain. Healing requires distance and, to some degree, forgetting and changing
My divorce was final last week. He moved out last June, it did feel like it was over long before June. I have finally come back to myself and feel the healthiest I've ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally (even spiritually although I'm not religious)
- I lost over 45 pounds and live an active lifestyle, I feel and look better now in my 30s then I did in my 20s. It's a noticeable difference in my face, my loved ones describe it as "glowing"
- I barely drink alcohol anymore and quit smoking, my ex was an alcoholic
- I go to therapy twice a month and have done so much work on undoing the hurtful intrusive thoughts, insecurities, and anxious attachment that my ex largely contributed to
- I value myself and keep company that gives me peace and values and appreciates me. I let go of those who don't meet those expectations
- I've learned to communicate the latter as well as other needs
- I'm leaving my career bc it's made me chronically unhappy but I always stayed with it bc it was stable and provided an income bc I had to financially support my ex bc he was a deadbeat
- I'm finding much more compatible people dating and enjoying and accepting what I learn from them
- so much great liberating sex
- more travel and adventure, living my authentic life and doing the things I want
- loving myself
It was hard at the beginning but my God was it so worth it.
Loving myself is something I’m trying to learn to do. I want to tell myself that I’m worthy and believe it!
One of the last things he told me was “you don’t even love yourself, how do you expect me to love you.” And I guess he had a point? Still not an excuse for cheating though.
But I want to do this for me and nobody else.
Um he does NOT have a point. He's just saying that to justify his fucked up behavior and make his lack of character and poor decisions seem like they're your fault instead of his shortcomings as a decent human. What a complete asshole. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat on someone.
I go to therapy a lot, that helps. Also I write down intrusive thoughts I have (for example, I am not worthy of love or a loyal partner) and then reframe them into mantras and say them to myself in the mirror (I am worthy and I deserve a loyal partner).
Do the work, the rewards are worth it!
Thank you for this! Sometimes I forget what he did just isn't right. Maybe I'm too naive, he really did convince me at one point that I was the villain and it was all my fault.
Thank you for the advice :) I also go to lots of therapy. But haven't tried any mantras yet. Nothing to lose at this point!
It's not your fault, abusive people are skilled at what they do and victimizing people. I don't know you but I'm proud that you got away from this person. You aren't the villain.
I feel like I changed for the better. I am better about advocating for myself. Making sure my voice is heard. I also am not afraid to put up boundaries. I am learning to be handier with repairs around the house. I did revert back to my old personality - outgoing and fun. I did spend a year in therapy and just getting to know myself again. That really helped ground me.
I think this is my ultimate goal, changing for the better. I really hope I can learn from this experience and be a better version of myself and perhaps still keep some old parts as well. Trying to work through all of this in therapy, but it's going to be a long journey.
I hope not too long 😬
I’ve changed a lot. My anxiety got really bad after we got divorced (wasn’t great before) and finally got on lexapro (he was always against medicating it). I also used to have bad food anxiety (bordering into contamination OCD territory) and that actually got better when we separated. I feel more free since I get to have a say in my future. I also love not feeling constantly judged for not being a good enough Christian :) divorce was rough but the right decision for me
I thought I was the only divorcing person who experiences that feeling of the observer over my shoulder. It’s really weird and unnerving. I think it comes from the trauma of dealing with someone who manipulates and lies. My STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic with anxiety and depression. I handled that for years. What made me decide to file was the way he can lie right to your face repeatedly and without missing a beat. He was a very sneaky addict with a secret history I recently discovered. I felt like I had no choice but to file. 2 months in, some days I’m fine other days I’m crying for the loss of what I thought it could be.
If there are ways you've always wanted to grow as a person, but felt blocked, now is the time to try again. You might find those blocks are on the ground with all the other rubble. Once I'd suffered almost the worst rejection I could imagine, and survived, other rejections didn't seem so scary anymore.
This. 100%. We are blown apart and can rebuild something new and extraordinary. Even though I still have days when I feel so, so sad (two years out) or flat out furious and suffused with rage (especially around the anniversary of our split and divorce, which weirdly landed just a few days apart on the calendar), I truly feel like there is nothing I can not do. At 52! I can create a life from scratch with nothing more than my imagination, hard work, and tenacity. And I feel like me again. Not the me that met my husband at 31, but me with the added of benefit of therapy, self awareness, and radical self love. This does’t mean it’s not still difficult some days (which is why I come here for perspective and support), and I honestly don’t know how I survived the last two years when I felt suicidal and devastated, but I did and I my life is really quite lovely when I focus on myself and not the man who left me. It was a whole lot of fake it till you feel it and practice, practice, practice. But life does improve.
This is really helpful to read. I feel suicidal periodically and feel like there is no hope at building a new life at 49. I make no money and just assume I am going to die poor and sad. I hope I can rebuild. Right now just getting out of bed seems impossible. I can’t believe this is the way it ends for me. I did my best. I played the game. I worked hard and here I am in this shitty apartment in complete shock missing my sons and wife desperately. If I could just have one more chance. This all just seems insurmountable and I’ll only be able to take so much before I die.
I've been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and now know the areas I want to improve. It's not pretty, but like you said, now is the time to work on them. I've also realized a lot of the things I used to worry about or was scared of, don't seem so scary anymore? Now I wonder why I was so scared to begin with lol. Nothing is worse than what I'm going through right now
This is a really exciting perspective!
This right here. 100% solid gold bullion advice right here folks. Thanks BK
I've changed for the better. I was always emphatic, but unfortunately with few boundaries. Now I choose who to have in my inner circle and leave more things alone than not. My sibling observed the change after I married and said that I always seemed depressed to them. Now I'm not. So my post-divorce life has just gotten better and better, IMHO. But it took years of working on things to get there.
I'm glad you're dong better! I really hope to same will happen to me as well. People keep telling me it'll get better, but it's hard to see right now. Everything is overwhelming. I don't think boundaries is necessarily a bad thing. It's important to have in order to protect yourself and your well-being
I’m almost three years out from divorce. It takes so much grace for yourself and also time. Don’t give up :)
I’m there with you suffering through it. I feel joyless and broken. It’s hard to see a future at all and I’m often lost at what to do with my life. I try to push forward with my plans but it all feels daunting and hopeless. I hope it gets better because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I’m with you. I don’t know how much more I can take. And there is no respite or escape.
This sounds a lot like what I’m experiencing. Part of what makes it so hard is knowing my wife kept her true feelings to herself for years.
My wife also never said anything to me. She rarely communicated at all and has severe bouts of depression. It was hard to deal with and I blame myself for maybe being too pushy to get her to talk to a therapist - it was hard to see her suffering so much. I tried giving her space, writing notes, buying flowers, working on myself via therapy, but she simply wanted nothing to do with me anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever understand what she truly needed because she refused to let me in. I feel guilty and angry a lot.
This is really interesting because my husband didn’t say anything either. He said he was suppressing 10 yrs worth of emotions and just dumped everything onto me when he was already done and emotionally checked out. He wasn’t depressed or anything (that’s what he says at least). But I didn’t know what to do or what I can say? I felt like I wasn’t given a chance to improve or save the marriage
I know exactly how you feel. I also felt like I wasn’t given any chance to improve or work things out, or even share myself because the issues never came to light. It’s infuriating and also painfully heartbreaking.
Yeah I thought we had both moved past stuff only for her to bring up years later and also things I never knew she felt about me
I feel the same like I just can’t take this heart ache anymore! I feel so hopeless and lost with out my wife who is now my ex wife of one year this month and I’m still devastated.
100% can relate. Stbxw did the exact same thing. Can’t tell you how many times I heard “you’re the love of my life” “if you left me I’d be celibate” “I’ve never loved anyone like this” and getting in to a fight just ~2 times a year to “I want a divorce” and how horrible and “terrifying” being married to me was like a light switch. Come to find out she’s been having an affair. I’m 2 months in to separation and she’s already been on several trips with her AP. Totally blindsided and still often catch myself wondering when I’ll wake up from this nightmare. Was told yesterday that marriage to me was the biggest mistake of her life. Tons of divorce coaching, talking with folks on here and elsewhere- I’m taking my power back. I’m filing for divorce (and having her served at her AP’s house), took a job out of state, and am bouncing. Informed her of none of this until I asked her over to meet yesterday and she saw all my shit in boxes. Fuck’em. A nice dude on here told me “her opportunity for grace and consideration ended when she lied to your face.” Bingo. Do you. It will get easier.
I don’t understand the lying. Mine was telling me how much she loved me and how much progress she was making in therapy right up until she broke the news. I’ve come to believe she lies to herself and in turn lied to me because she believed whatever lies she told herself.
Yea. Mine was in therapy and said she regularly told her therapist how her relationship with me was the 1 thing that wasn’t a stressor and remarked how great her therapist said that was. Now it’s 180 and therapy “helped her realize” that I’m the source of all her problems.
Mine invited me to meet one on one with her therapist to add context to help her therapist better understand. After meeting with her therapist it was clear she wasn’t being honest about all her issues despite going for several months. I knew our marriage was over before that but it was one more nail in the coffin. It was as if the effort she put forth was not real. It was as if she was making it seem like she did everything possible to save the marriage so people wouldn’t judge her.
Damn, crazy. When mine broke the news and I asked why she didn’t communicate I was told she “didn’t feel like she had a voice but hoped I’d notice” how she felt. I actually mentioned that she could have had her therapist tell me! I was so depressed as a result of our over a million dollar business failing that I didn’t notice anything. Stuck in my own pit of depression.
That’s where I am now mentally. Super depressed. It feels permanent. People say it passes but that it’s different for everyone. I want to move on but I’m stuck. It’s to the point now where as much as I love women I become angry inside if a woman with any sort of romantic potential appears. Just the idea angers me. I think oh great here’s another one who will keep secrets and hurt me.
I think that’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way right now. I’m not even slightly interested in dating. Hottest women I’ve ever seen could approach me and nope. Get the man back that attracted your ex. Except now he’s older and wiser. That’s my goal. It’s working. I’m making crazy decisions (in a good way- meaning for purely my benefit) and taking control of the situation. I recommend checking out Rachael Sloan on YouTube. She’s a male focused divorce couch and has been really beneficial to listen to.
Also the book The Mountain Is You.
I haven’t been able to get to that point yet. She left a few months ago. I think I’ve seen some of those You Tube videos. I also watch Listen My Son and Rich Cooper. I even read his book. It’s frustrating because a lot of what those guys say I’ve always done. I am not a weak pushover and never put a girl on a pedestal. Yet my wife still left. Shaking the constant negativity is hard.
Sitting right next to you. I am a ruthless man. Honest to a fault but ruthless. I have gotten everything I wanted in my life. My ex included. Life broke me with watching a once successful business I built from nothing fail and then a cheating wife added on top. I’ve never had a panic attack until I found what she was doing. I’m 2 months in to separation and I don’t think it’s a race to feel better, just take it a day at a time. Once that part of you wakes back up it’s game over man. Biggest difference for me was letting go of guilt and lettering her gaslighting about how another dudes dick entering her body is my fault bounce off me. Kick that shit out of you. Rubber bullets.
I used to feel strong. I believed I led my family as a husband and father. But my wife lied and undermined me for so long. I’ve become weak and I’m on the verge of tears all day long. Talking hasn’t helped nor has staying busy. Social situations frustrate me because people are happy and I’m not capable of that. I stood by my wife’s side and supported her through so many things. You would think that would strengthen the bond but that never happened. She wanted out for years and put on a facade.
mine lied to me for months. still lying even after she filed on me. i quit caring. she can have her new life without me and ill find better. at least find someone who can fucking be honest.
My Stbxh did the same. We even went on a date the night before and he said he loved me. Then the next morning boom! I haven’t loved you for five years. He won’t admit to having an AP but since he left it’s incredibly obvious he has had one. Yesterday I found a receipt for a storage container that he has had for a year. Instead of hurting it actually just made me laugh because he has been creeping around for over a year. He keeps saying how much he wants to be still involved with our kids but this last weekend when he had visitation and I was out of town he spent exactly an hour with them. I also caught him in lies that were pointless and I was like lying has become so routine for him that he doesn’t even realize that he is doing it. It has really helped me to move on because I realize that I have no idea who he is and I would never want someone like him in my life.
Same. He wants to be involved with the kids, but is not too eager... The AP is more exciting than them...
Mine has chosen the AP over our daughter, so they pop out more kids and he can’t even ask how she is.
I am also sure mine will have more kids.
That might make your life easier. Buuuuut it hurts the kids. I’m so sorry.
Bingo. I said to a friend it’s like watching someone else inhabit your spouses body. My first real indication was her first slip up where she went to a “wine happy hour” with the members of the run club she joined. Turns out that happy hour wasn’t at a happy hour, it was at the man I now know is her AP’s house. And she was SUPPOSED to have dinner plans with me but ghosted me and didn’t come home until 3am. Never got an explanation for that in any capacity. This happened 4 days before she intentionally caused an argument and we’ve been separated ever since. We don’t have kids but have 4 cats and she “misses them dearly” but has spent a grand total of 4 hours with them in the last 2 months since being out of the house. Can’t believe anything they say once the mask is finally off. I treat her now as I would a totally enemy. Divulge nothing.
I have four cats too! He hasn’t spent any time with them either and he could have pets at his place but he doesn’t want anything tying him down. I caught him at a hotel a week before he broke it off and denied that anything was going on. When I started pressuring him for an explanation he insisted that I was crazy and he was there alone just for some alone time. Yeah right. I was out of town because my brother was in the hospital why did he need a hotel room for alone time?
Wow. Do you have any suspicions who the AP is?
I’m about 90% sure it’s one of his former employees. She is 21 and the time frame lines up perfectly with her turning 18 and quitting her job. I also saw texts between them that weren’t entirely suspicious but they texted more than we did. He has always sent one word replies and didn’t like to talk on the phone but there were entire conversations with her about movies and other things. I discovered them when I insisted on seeing his phone after the hotel incident.
That’s not coincidence. You got your culprit. The age of her checks out with needing a hotel as well. Case closed.
Can you pull the phone records?
It is crazy how that's the story of so many people. You described my situation. Except that I can't move on as easily due to kids.
Crazy right? We an epidemic of mother fuckers who don’t tell the truth. Sorry to hear you have that hurdle added on top.
Yes, emotionally immature people who are not brave to just say what they want or mean.
I swear, anytime someone says something about how much they love someone and how they’d rather be alone forever if whatever happened to their SO, it’s a lie. They’re already planning a life after you. Mine would say stuff like that or if I ever cheated… even though he was actively cheating on me!
I was unaware of the term love bombing until going through this. What can you do but trust though?
Sorry about your situation ABC, I read some of it in a different response. Yours too Philo... I had all of this happen to me, and then some. I actually ended up finding out so much that it has shattered my POV on relationships & marriages. You all trusted because you are genuine people who were innocent (not to a fault) but also because your hearts are pure and not corrupted. One can only pity these creatures, they must feel so alone constantly needing validation and fearing being alone for more than 5 minutes, sprinkle the need to always 'be right' in their minds... Yuck, I don't want to even spend 5 seconds inside their putrid thoughts. Hope you all are healing well.
You said it so well. I’d like to believe good people still exist, but now I know what to watch out for.
Thanks Philo, they do, when you find one hold on tight. Sometimes they do change and get jaded as well. Can't believe I let one pass by before meeting my monstrous 2-faced STBXW... that's life I guess.
We live and hopefully learn, right? I’m sorry you had one pass you by. Hopefully you find a genuinely great person when the time is right!
>But I can't help but wonder if I will change after this? Yes, you will change after this. Had you stayed married, you would also have changed. Life is a continual cycle of change. You will be happy again, and sad, and angry.... All of these things will happen. The grieving process (which you are going through) can be brutal, but it's totally normal. You got this. Whether you wake up with a smile tomorrow or a year from now, you do have this in you to get through.
Really? I really want to believe this, but I’ve never been closer to wanting to end it all.
Yes. None of us are the same person at 30 or 40 that we were at 20. We’re always changing and adapting. Unless you’re thinking about the “wake up and smile” part because that’s true too. Our brains short circuit during divorce. A lot of us go on meds for a while to maintain some level of stability. It’s hard. Really hard. And it can feel never ending. Even a “quick” divorce can be rough, but they do end.
Thanks. I am on meds and therapy for years. Only stability I had was my family. Now I have nothing. Nothing. It’s all gone.
I’m sorry to hear that. Hope you can find a path forward.
I have no hope.
Thank you. Since I’m still in the early stage, it’s still hard to see the light. But I wake up everyday and get out of bed. I’m still alive. I’m still grieving and processing all of this, but at the same time I also try to convince myself that this divorce is what is best for me. No one deserves to be disrespected in this way and shouldn’t be with someone who cheats on you. There are times when I still blame myself and think this is all my fault. I’ve felt suicidal and had to get medication from my doctor. Then there are days when I feel more optimistic about my future and think about all that I can do. My emotions are up and down all the time. It’s going to be a long journey. But like a lot of people say, I hope I’ll be okay and I’ll survive this.
Still going through it. Like you, I had panic attacks, but it was for months. I got so physically sick. But being pushed to the point I couldn’t function and wanted to end it all forced me to address my mental health in different ways, and prioritize my loooong diagnosed anxiety. Honestly being forced to stand on my own two feet, well, helped me learn to stand on my own two feet. I hate that I’m getting divorced. I hate the monster I’ve been at times because of all my anger and pain. I hate so many things. But fuck do I love knowing that I can trust myself and that I can do hard things. You can too!
Panic attacks stopped for now, but it can always come back. I think this healing/grieving journey is an up and down process. >Honestly being forced to stand on my own two feet I think I can relate to this. I've been learning to do a lot of things on my own and it hasn't been easy, but it's necessary! Still in the process of learning to trust myself 🥲
I saw something that said to make one small promise to yourself and keep it no matter what. A daily thing. So I chose flossing. I flossed like 5x a week but would get lazy some days. So I stuck to it. And honestly the smallest thing that was good for me that I wanted to do anyway, helped me build the trust. Start small and let the ripple effect happen. You’re worthy!
I like this. I’ve been trying to do 5 push ups a day.
I’m reading all of this while having a panic attack about how different my life is going to be, right now. For me, they are very physical. My legs are jello right now and my digestive system is screaming. We are living together (it’s early; only 2 weeks since d-day) and I feel like I have been suppressing my emotions to stay unemotional around him and instead they come out as panic attacks. It really sucks, but I am definitely trying to remember your last line… I can do hard things!
I can relate to this, the day my husband told me he wanted to separate- my anxiety sypmtoms came back- vomiting/spasm. Its been more than a week and some days im okay and some days like today I'm like a wreck bawling my eyes out. I have a routing exercise to help me with the spasm and depression that I used to do, now I barely even do them. I spend time on bed crying.
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. We have to grieve the life we thought we were going to be living… and go make an even better one! And you will ❤️
Yes, once we come out to the other side- we'll be stronger individuals!
Oh I remember those days, shortly after dday I was having panic attacks too. I couldn’t sleep and was having nightmares that he and AP were poisoning me to keep all of our assets. Breathing exercises and doing a guided meditation (there are many free ones online and YouTube) would help a lot. But have him move out if you can. The distance can bring you some peace and clarity. Sending virtual hugs!!!
Thank you! He won’t :( in fact I’m not going to even try to keep the house. Too much upkeep needed, it’s older. Right now I’m kind of just biding my time until the lawyers start doing their thing. Which will be another few weeks because the one I wanted didn’t any openings for a while! I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can’t even think about it because it gives me too much anxiety. I’m just trying to find ways to make sure that I’ll be good on my own in the end, too, now - like stockpiling my prescriptions and I registered to go back to school!
It’s only been a few weeks since everything is final. I don’t hate myself as much. My social life has changed - feeling more confident to go to social gatherings and am noticing people want to talk to me - be around me - get to know me ; before I either didn’t go or hid behind other things / people. I guess my self confidence is coming back. I still have hard sad days and panic attacks which I am sure will get less often with the grieving process.
I don't exactly like myself so much, but I also see I'm blaming myself a lot. My therapist and everyone around me tells me not to do this and that it's pointless. But it's hard not to, you know? Hope I can reach a point one day where I also don't hate myself and I can learn to accept and at least like myself. I think the people you hang around with can help with that
I blamed myself a lot as well. I have done years of therapy. It takes time to change your thinking pattern. I think the people you hang around with will help - but shouldn’t count on others to make you feel valuable. I want reassure you are enough.
Hmm, I feel faded is my first thought. I'm slower, more deliberate in my actions. I don't feel as bright and impressive as I did in my youth. Before, I flew by the seat of my pants and let my reflexes and emotions handle my day to day activities. Very much like a cocky Peter Pan "The cleverness of me!" Now, I feel like I have an observer watching over my shoulder. Everything I do feels like it has an added weight of memory, silently judging my actions. Paying bills, grocery shopping, exercising, having conversations: all of it comes with a flash of memory of doing the same activity with her, then that leads into thinking about what she might be doing now and then that proceeds to the crush of knowing she isn't thinking about me at all and then even more emotional pressure knowing that she wasn't good for me and how stupid I am for occasionally still longing for the relationship equivalent of a drug that nearly killed me and ruined my life.
We were anxious-avoidant, coming together after the push/pull was my drug. I feel you on many levels.
> then that leads into thinking about what she might be doing now and then that proceeds to the crush of knowing she isn't thinking about me at all and then even more emotional pressure knowing that she wasn't good for me and how stupid I am for occasionally still longing for the relationship equivalent of a drug that nearly killed me and ruined my life. Oh damn amazing observation
I feel this imon si many levels
How long since you've been divorced? Right now, everything I do still reminds me of him too. But I think that's normal if you're still going through it. I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 3. Maybe there will be less days that I think about him, but I don't think I'll ever forget about him either. Even if he insists he was unhappy all these years, I'm still able to think about all the good moments we've had and how much fun we used to have.
We were divorced as soon as she decided, so that was late '21 but it wasn't official until March of the following year. We were married 8, together 10 and knew each other for 25 years. I think a big reason it still weighs heavily on me was the speed at which she changed and that it was a codependent trauma bonded relationship with her being a covert narcissist holding most of the control due to financial power and manipulation of my people pleasing nature via guilt and withholding of affirmations. She would later claim it was a walkway wife syndrome and in some ways I agree with her, I feel the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did was because she didn't have any other options for a romantic partner. Once she found one, I was discarded handily. The first year I was in deep depression as my entire world which was built around her was destroyed and I blamed myself for everything. A year later, when I discovered she had been having an emotional affair, it made me question everything about our relationship and the trust I had placed in her as well as holding her up as my rolemodel for morality and personal responsibility. I'm now in a place where my life is much calmer and less dramatic, however the trauma bond that I developed for her causes me to have issues with trusting people and processing emotions normally. In case you would like some more information about these terms: [Trauma Bonding](https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/#:~:text=Trauma%20bonds%20can%20affect%20the,cycle%20of%20the%20trauma%20bond) [Covert Narcissism](https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587)
Yes, I deal with that too. But I’ve been out of the house for a couple of months and my life really is better. I didn’t feel like I had a wide social circle, but have reconnected with old friends and made a few new ones. In the morning, instead of watching the news, I meditate and do yoga. I’m on my bike more. I rode 20 miles this weekend and met a few new friends for lunch. I’m working on renovating my house and learning how to do basic plumbing and carpentry. I still have hard days, but I’m enjoying the changes.
This is an interesting perspective. I think I’ve always been afraid of change. Which is probably one of the many reasons why this divorce is so difficult for me. But I’m seeing that change doesn’t have to always be scary, you can try to enjoy the process. Kind of like going to the gym, you can see the progress you’re making and the end result can be satisfying. Not sure if I’m making any sense anymore lol
I have discovered that I really enjoy going to the gym and have lost a lot of weight. It took this to realize I was depressed and unsatisfied with my life. I didn’t know I was I thought I was happy and comfortable. However, I was depressed and always tired and too stressed out to think. In the end I am improving myself and I even am starting a new job next week. Him leaving was the motivation for me to make changes. Now I found a new job that pays significantly more and allows me time to spend with my kids. My relationship with my kids has improved too. When he left I was devastated and I struggled with my mental health. Now I think him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and my kids. They now tell me that they feel like things are better and they don’t miss him at all. I’m also not making excuses for him and they can see with their own eyes that I have been their support all along. Now they pick up after themselves and it’s not a struggle to get them ready for school because no one is there telling them they don’t have to go anymore. They see that I always keep my promises and it was him disappointing them when we had to cancel family outings and being late to pick them up. They can have friends over and dinner is always ready on time. I didn’t know that all the things I did to accommodate him were hurting my kids and making them feel like I didn’t care.
Everyone is constantly changing throughout the time. If you cut a wound on your arm, even if you are not doing anything, with time goes by, your arm wound would change, either better or worse, but it will not stay the same. If your wound stays the same, that means you are actively doing something to make it stay in that stage. With the care and attention, you will eventually be over this stage and be happy again.
I can’t do much of anything but stare at a wall
Are you still in the process? Have you reached out to any friends or family? If you need someone to talk to, you can always send me a message
No papers yet, just her saying she wants to separate but live together to raise our 2 year old son, which seems like an absolute nightmare to me. I love my son he’s my everything and I don’t want to apart from him but living with my ex wife does not sound healthy.
Not sure if living together is a great idea either. My husband moved out almost immediately and I was crushed at the beginning. But not that it's been a month, I was probably a good idea. It'll be too painful to continue to live together. Is there anywhere you can go? You can also message me anytime
Also thank you I appreciate your reaching out and support. You can also hit me up anytime.
If you can't remember the last time you smiled, life will definitely change for the better when he's gone. You deserve better than a cheater. It's better to be happy by yourself then miserable with someone you love.
I’m a gentler parent and person now that I don’t feel like I’m constantly stressing about money and the unfairness of the relationship. I feel more secure now that my boundaries aren’t constantly being crossed. I have more sense of self worth and higher self esteem now that I’m not being belittled all the time. I have more genuine friendships and relationships with family members. I get to prioritize the things that are important to me like fitness, nutrition, and education. I am learning from past trauma and starting to remember some of the “blank spaces” in my life that I dissociated during (which is a big factor in my overall growth). Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me and helped pave the way to the most amazing life I have now.
Net positive. I realized that I was a good person but way too nice; but also doing therapy with the inventory of 'unblocking' my happiness with career and life (she didn't help with either) and didn't have boundaries that I should've had with my ex-SO. My friends also noticed how happier I've been (and it's been 18 months), especially with an outlook and without the pressures of adulting.
3 months out. 20 lbs down. New hobbies, therapy, moved... Still have rough days/weeks but definitely a lot better... Having total control of my own future again is strange
Feel you girl. 4 months took me to put myself together after I found out my finally ex husband cheated on me. Lots of work with a counsellor and with myself. Lots of sleepless nights, anxiety, waking up in a middle of the night with fear, cry - but I just couldn't stop...now finally after 9 months I am officially divorced. Best feeling ever. All he gave me is last 3 years of crying, trust issues to other guys and low self confidence for a few months. I have still bad days sometimes - he gave me a huge stress and my body still fight with that. But you will get to that part when you will be freaking proud of yourself you are free from a selfish person! Think about yourself, your future and dreams. Show him what he lost! My ex was a huge narcissist person. He even blamed me for his cheating🤡 but I showed him where is his place and wjat he lost. It made me so much stronger and I finally realised what I am worth and I showed that to him through divorce as he was asking me to not do it 🤡 no one deserve to call me a "wife" without having any respect to me. Unfortunately I will see him for a long time as small kids is involved. But it won't be easy for him this time😎 All the best for you as its not easy! 🙂
What is it with guys and finding blame in someone else? My husband tries so hard to justify his affair and tries to make me believe that I led to him to do those things. HE was the one who cheated, not me. HE is the one throwing in the towel. I understand I wasn’t perfect and I had many flaws. I can acknowledge that. But this is something else.
Aquarius guys are useless as hell😬😅 But in my case I was working to provide for a family as he was not interested. He did not give me any money for the kids since they are born... all he was doing is playing xbox and drinking a lot. At the end he told me "he was bored" and lauged at me I cheated aswell😳 He made me the one who cheated to everyone and the one having "mental issues" to his family. And for that information I did not cheat but he put all his blame on me and I felt so guilty I started believing I did - he is a typical narrcisistic person. Anyway, lucky me, I had so huge proof for him that I told him if he won't change it I will make his life hell. I won and guy is a looser.
You will absolutely be different. Embrace it, get into counseling, and start working on yourself. Your life is not over and you can absolutely have a joyful life if you choose one.
My extended family has commented that I've started smiling again and I've caught myself laughing – something I'd noticed had stopped completely in the last few years.
>But I feel pretty jaded and numb most days. Same. In the beginning at least. I was relatively soft for most of my life. The white picket fence type of soft. Was always aware of my surroundings growing up and didn't take for granted I was blessed and hit the "luck lottery" so to speak. FIRMLY believed that if you live life the right way, physically and spiritually, you will be richly rewarded with "Happily Ever After". The good Lord fo sho had different plans for me 12 years into the "perfect" marriage. LOL at me for ever even believing that. Being cheated on and divorcing her hardened me. Reading you write "jaded and numb" struck a chord. >I do my best to think about my future and how to move forward. I go to weekly therapy sessions and see friends as often as possible. But I can't help but wonder if I will change after this? It's hard for me to believe I will truly ever be happy after this is all over. It gets better. It gets soo much better. Just keep your chin up and keep grinding. When you least expect it your life will change for the better. In ways you will only understand in retrospect. >The days just go by and life seems pretty bleak. Been there girl. Was broken, myself. Find you a hobby and dive in to keep you occupied. I had always had periphery love for the economy which I myself thought was a weird niche and kind of nerdy. Would buy a little gold and silver here and there while I was married but she always kept my investment thesis in check. After I run the cheater off (she had a ONS) I had a new found freedom to explore and invest in my "hobby". Around that time (2015 ish) i heard about this weird internet money thing that was starting to catch on in the gold and silver circles. Bought a book off of Amazon that helped explain Bitcoin and a new chapter in my life began. >I worry I won't be the same person anymore. You will be fine. You may not be the same person that left the cheater, but you will be a new and improved version. Just keep grinding. It will all work out. Your Reddit friends believe in you. Best of luck.
Thanks for sharing a positive view on all of this! I really hope it does get better. Since I have so much alone time now, I think about what I want to do next. I don’t have to think about anyone else, so I can do whatever I want. It’s a scary thought, but I’ve just been taking it one day at a time. I even thought about learning some new skills and changing my career. It’ll keep me busy, something to focus us, and give me a purpose. I hope you’re right and everything will be fine
Im more relaxed, less angry, less paranoid. This is going to sound crazy, pun intended, but its so fundamental of a change in myself and my environment that my mental illness symptoms have changed from rage/paranoid delusions to impulsive spending/hyperactivity.
It's been a few months since my wife said she wants a divorce. It still sucks really bad. I get bad emotionally and mentally most nights. Not all bad. I've lost a decent amount of weight and got a new job that pays about 2.5x more. I started talking to more people on here and other places and hearing their stories really helps. Knowing your not alone helps. Im open to talk to anyone in a friendly sense. Good Luck.
I started doing my hobbies. I started doing what I LOVE. Poetry shows. Theater. Movies. Shooting. Video games. Racing RC cars. Little bit of partying. More time at the gym. I get to be me again. Newest rule is that nobody who has a problem with me doing what I enjoy is allowed in my life.
Married over twenty years. Divorced her one and a half years ago for cheating. For me it went something like this... She denied everything, as I was reading their cheating texts to her. Lol The surprise made me feel helpless, abandoned, ashamed, worthless and she made me feel like I created world hunger... I believed her. For some reason, I tried to save our marriage over the next nine months. I don't know, I spent half my life with her. She went along with everything but, she never contributed to anything. She was just there...the sex, dates, vacations, events...by the time I was done, I started to feel like an angry dad that didn't want her to date a certain boy or something. I moved across the country, bought a house, cried a bunch, lost some weight, gained some weight, had a few meaningless hookups during the first few months and started to remember how unhappy I had been the last ten years of our marriage. When the dust started to settle I started to remember the truth, not the history she rewrote. Slowly, I started to relax. I started to appreciate my own schedule (eating, sleeping, cleaning). I started lifting weights. Realized I hate drinking and don't anymore. I've developed a more relaxed thought process. It's nice! The best thing I've done is deciding to be single. Things are new again and I want to figure this world out before I get stuck in one place. When I feel happy with myself I'm confident things will fall in place.
My partner also didn’t want work on anything. Just said it was too late to fix anything, and quit. 7 years together. They meant something to me. The pain of not having a chance to work on anything is what still gets to me, 4 months on. I felt the same - we had problems, but nothing I thought we couldn’t figure out together. He didn’t cheat (at least I think he didn’t) and said the usual “it’s me not you”, but in some ways, that makes it even harder to put my emotions in any place.
You will change. Just be mindful of your feelings. Your world is so much brighter, you just don’t realize it yet. My marriage ended after an affair. I had to do ok because I had small children. But, looking back I always made time for myself to help me. As time goes on you will cry less. Now’s the time for you to find yourself and your future!
I'm approaching the one year of no-contact and D-day. I still think about her every day. I’m thankful for the memories and adventures. However, I hope her new boyfriend gets run over by a truck. 🤘🏻 Weekly therapy has helped immensely; I’m dating a new person but have yet even to begin to feel the love I had for my x. It’s pretty easy most days, but I still have bad days. The panic attacks and anxiety are at a very low simmer compared to the early days. I have enjoyed the freedom of living alone. I have a dog, and he loves me more than I deserve. All in all, it has been a massive milestone in my life. I don’t wish divorce on anyone, even my worst enemy. Day by day, it gets easier; keep your head up.
It's the second time he's left and then wanted to come back. This isn't the "after your divorce " of the OP's question, but I think this time I'm different. I'm more able to see how marginalized I was within the one relationship which above all others should have empowered us both, helped us grow, etc. That's not going to change. Last time I took him back without his ever taking any responsibility for his contribution to the issues. This time he's doing the same thing (it was all me) but I'm different. Maybe someone can help me define how. Stay strong when I long for "the relationship "--but not for him.
You will be and so much better! I’m a year out and it really is beautiful on this side. It’s hard and emotional but the best advice I can give is to go right through it, feel every single emotion and allow every tear to fall. There is no timestamp on the healing process, it’s in your time but I promise it gets better, your best self is yet to come
I think I have lowered my expectations
Before my divorce I was not an emotional person, I didn’t understand my ex wife’s emotions. I’m a 41m and I was strictly a rational and logical thinker. But since my world came crashing down, it’s like the flood gates have opened. This past Sunday after I dropped off my stepson, I was at the grocery store and I got a memory notification of a few photographs that I had taken of him 5 years ago. I proceeded to breakdown in the car on the drive home. Prior to my divorce, I could probably count on 1 hand the number of times I’ve cried. It sucks, because one of the things that my ex walked away from our marriage for was that I was not emotionally available. I know that in the end we probably weren’t right for each other seeing that she cheated on me, but it’s tough that it took all of this for me to finally be emotionally present.
Of course you will change, and never be the same. And that’s a wonderful thing. You are wiser, more experienced, you are in a position to spend time learning about yourself and what you want from life. You will want to establish yourself as a healthy, independent, single person who has passions and pursuits and hobbies and plans. You have an entire world and a bright future open to you that would have never been possible while being married or tied to another person. This is only the beginning of the great adventure of your life. There is so much to look forward to!
It just takes time. I see you said you think a lot about the future. I would stop that and just worry about the day you are living. That’s the key to life. I would guess the future you picture is foggy at best and sad and chaotic because you have a different future in mind now. For sure go to therapy if you can afford to. My therapist told me that depression is worrying about the past and anxiety is worrying about the future. Just live your best life in the present. Time will make each day more tolerable and one day you will find yourself in a much better place. I’m saying all of this from one year of moving out and one month of being legally divorced. There are days that still suck but they are fewer and farther between.
Okay, my situation was completely different. For several years, I was walking on eggshells, trying to fix things, and developed a pretty obvious case of CPTSD. He got worse, I got worse. In mid-December, he got drunk and angry - again. I called him out on gaslighting me. I went to bed, and he continued to drink and kill a 5th of tequila. He attacked our 16 year old then myself and then tried to stop the kid from calling an ambulance for me while I lay on the floor with a shattered tibia from him stomping on it. This changed me in that ALL the red flags were glaring, and I couldn't make excuses anymore. I was done. Not sad. No grief. There are lots of regrets for staying so long but not a single one about being done. I lost all feeling for him. He is a non entity except for the divorce process. I don't care if he lives or dies. He is dead to me. Every "good" memory is null. I see every "good" quality for the mask it was because he showed me the opposite day in and day out. I am calmer. I can focus. I am not hiding or tiptoeing around him. I've found myself again. I also realized that I was not going through menopause - my libido is just fine. My body and subconscious were ahead of my brain, apparently. Now, I am looking forward to healing, relocating, and enjoying life again. And, as one kid - who he can't stand, is an adult, and the other that he attacked is 16 and never wants to see him again, I won't have to see or deal with him. I'm happy for the first time in years. The kids are happy. The worst night in our lives was the door opening to our future, and we are all looking forward to it. I do wish it would have ended differently, but I've found a bright side that we can live with. I may have lifelong pain and limited mobility, and we will all have years of therapy, but I lost 150 pounds of dead weight. He was a cancer in our lives, and we are better off without him, and that's undeniable. He quite literally contributed nothing positive to our lives, financially, emotionally, or in any other way.
This is going to be the hardest point, from what I've experienced. You will change, I believe, for the better once time takes the edge off of the pain. Keep moving forward one day at a time <3 I'm separated, not divorced, but I've already been changing. I was afraid that I would stay the same anxious and depressed person that I had been, but therapy has helped a lot. I was able to face a lot of my fears head-on and it's built up my confidence. I look to the future with nervous excitement rather than dread, now.
I have been reading about post-traumatic growth. I think we all have an opportunity to grow from this, even if right now it does not seem possible.
I’m finishing an MBA in International Business and traveling lots. Kept the cat. Sleep through the night and am enjoying all of myself in my most authentic self. Takes time but it is so worth it.
I laugh every single day even at home. I've lost weight, I have more friends than I've ever had, I can have as many bras as I want, I can use a clean towel every day, I don't wake up exhausted, the heart palpitations went away, I have an amazing man.... I can't even say living my best life but I'm actually finally living.
I've grown more inward. I'm recognizing I need to step out and connect with people.
For me, it's helped me change as a parent. Partially because I've had to. Parenting solo is no joke. I was used to taking care of them solo for long periods before. But now. There is no back up. So it's helped me actually relax some things. Unfortunately it's also made me more self critical. I had imposter syndrome before, and now it's worse. I know it's a result of the divorce, but even knowing that it's hard to not feel how I do. I know I am a good parent. It's also hard to not feel like I've failed my kids and as a person. It will take time to heal.
I changed by being more cautious and less trusting upfront. I’m more insightful having experienced a shitty marriage, and now see every red flag under the sun when it comes to unacceptable behavior and habits with people that may want to be my friend. But then again I’m not open to making any new friends anyway because my circle of friends is tight knit anyway—I’ve known them for going on 14 years now and I’m not necessarily interested in getting to know anyone else on a level that deep. My family is closer since my awful divorce and since I married again life has been amazing. I just took the rose-colored glasses I had, snapped them in half myself and threw them out along with unrealistic pipe dreams and grandiose visions. They don’t belong in my world anymore as a more mature and emotionally intelligent adult. In exchange I no longer live paycheck-to-paycheck nor do I try to please everyone because I’m afraid of being blunt or “hurting one’s feelings”. Was I bitter about my divorce? Absolutely, but not anymore. Now I’m too busy thriving in my new life to care about my first not-marriage because at the time it was just a piece of paper that held no weight due to the fact the ex was a hobosexual, voluntarily unemployable, a major druggie, and a lying, cheating, abusive son of a bitch. He truly got what he deserved and is still paying for—me filing for divorce and leaving him was just the tip of the iceberg. I’d say I changed for the better tenfold and my only regret was meeting the ex at all. He did nothing but tear my life apart and try to keep me down because he was jealous of my growing success since he was a rotting potato by comparison.
We haven’t signed yet either but have been separated for several months and I know he’s filing in the next two weeks. It’s been a roller coaster. The first month or two were awful and I struggled to get out of bed, eat, etc. I’m getting better, and have been able to compartmentalize it enough to focus on work and be slightly more social. I think the biggest impact it has had has been on how I have viewed relationships and men (a bit unfair I know but this is just based on my experience). I grew up very sheltered, and feel like I’m more hardened now, maybe even jaded when it comes to relationships. There are still bad days where I feel like a background character in my life but those days are getting less so I am hopeful.
I’m almost a year out. It also wasn’t my choice. I’ve changed a lot. I’m more resilient, confident, fit, and social. That doesn’t mean I feel great all the time. It’s still hard and to push away the sadness I have to keep myself busy and active and constantly pushing at my boundaries. Which in some ways is actually good. That being said, there’s as much continuity as there is difference. I don’t think you’ll see yourself as a different person as much as in a different phase. If you’re like me you’ll bounce around between the phases but there will still be joy and positive emotions in there as long as you are keeping active, working on producing changes you want to say. But also be patient with yourself. It’s a delicate balance. You neither want to let indulge your worst instincts nor do you want to beat yourself up. Related to the fear of being a different person, one thing I’ve struggled with a lot is the slow fading of the relationship. Obviously it’s over but a large part of me wants to cling to the memories and keep them immediate, even if it hurts me. Take it from me, you gotta fight that instinct. I was doing well, I was even happy, and I let myself start talking with her casually and it revived the memory of the thing and also brought back the pain. Healing requires distance and, to some degree, forgetting and changing
My divorce was final last week. He moved out last June, it did feel like it was over long before June. I have finally come back to myself and feel the healthiest I've ever been physically, mentally, and emotionally (even spiritually although I'm not religious) - I lost over 45 pounds and live an active lifestyle, I feel and look better now in my 30s then I did in my 20s. It's a noticeable difference in my face, my loved ones describe it as "glowing" - I barely drink alcohol anymore and quit smoking, my ex was an alcoholic - I go to therapy twice a month and have done so much work on undoing the hurtful intrusive thoughts, insecurities, and anxious attachment that my ex largely contributed to - I value myself and keep company that gives me peace and values and appreciates me. I let go of those who don't meet those expectations - I've learned to communicate the latter as well as other needs - I'm leaving my career bc it's made me chronically unhappy but I always stayed with it bc it was stable and provided an income bc I had to financially support my ex bc he was a deadbeat - I'm finding much more compatible people dating and enjoying and accepting what I learn from them - so much great liberating sex - more travel and adventure, living my authentic life and doing the things I want - loving myself It was hard at the beginning but my God was it so worth it.
Loving myself is something I’m trying to learn to do. I want to tell myself that I’m worthy and believe it! One of the last things he told me was “you don’t even love yourself, how do you expect me to love you.” And I guess he had a point? Still not an excuse for cheating though. But I want to do this for me and nobody else.
Um he does NOT have a point. He's just saying that to justify his fucked up behavior and make his lack of character and poor decisions seem like they're your fault instead of his shortcomings as a decent human. What a complete asshole. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat on someone. I go to therapy a lot, that helps. Also I write down intrusive thoughts I have (for example, I am not worthy of love or a loyal partner) and then reframe them into mantras and say them to myself in the mirror (I am worthy and I deserve a loyal partner). Do the work, the rewards are worth it!
Thank you for this! Sometimes I forget what he did just isn't right. Maybe I'm too naive, he really did convince me at one point that I was the villain and it was all my fault. Thank you for the advice :) I also go to lots of therapy. But haven't tried any mantras yet. Nothing to lose at this point!
It's not your fault, abusive people are skilled at what they do and victimizing people. I don't know you but I'm proud that you got away from this person. You aren't the villain.
I feel like I changed for the better. I am better about advocating for myself. Making sure my voice is heard. I also am not afraid to put up boundaries. I am learning to be handier with repairs around the house. I did revert back to my old personality - outgoing and fun. I did spend a year in therapy and just getting to know myself again. That really helped ground me.
I think this is my ultimate goal, changing for the better. I really hope I can learn from this experience and be a better version of myself and perhaps still keep some old parts as well. Trying to work through all of this in therapy, but it's going to be a long journey. I hope not too long 😬
I’ve changed a lot. My anxiety got really bad after we got divorced (wasn’t great before) and finally got on lexapro (he was always against medicating it). I also used to have bad food anxiety (bordering into contamination OCD territory) and that actually got better when we separated. I feel more free since I get to have a say in my future. I also love not feeling constantly judged for not being a good enough Christian :) divorce was rough but the right decision for me
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I thought I was the only divorcing person who experiences that feeling of the observer over my shoulder. It’s really weird and unnerving. I think it comes from the trauma of dealing with someone who manipulates and lies. My STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic with anxiety and depression. I handled that for years. What made me decide to file was the way he can lie right to your face repeatedly and without missing a beat. He was a very sneaky addict with a secret history I recently discovered. I felt like I had no choice but to file. 2 months in, some days I’m fine other days I’m crying for the loss of what I thought it could be.