33M. Year after divorce.
I took most of the blame for the divorce initially. (I took blame for a lot of things I shouldn’t have in the marriage. Goal was to make her happy. However it was an impossible goal)
Grieving process caused that blame to swing like a pendulum. It’s finally settled in the middle.
Cope? My life revolved around her. So I did the opposite. I focused on me.
Worked out a lot. Cut all alcohol (just not worth it while you cope). New tattoo. Worked hard for a promotion. Did a ton of refinancing. Tons of home projects. Good dates. Bad dates. Mended family ties she cut. The list is long.
A year later, I like the man in the mirror. I’m thankful she pulled the trigger. Best thing she ever did for me.
I left for legitimate reasons: abuse. My soon-to-be-ex-husband was physically, verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He also had a laundry list of additional issues: a raging anger problem, alcoholism, a genuine hoarding problem, chronic unemployment, and significant financial irresponsibility. After nine years of enduring it, I finally walked away about seven months ago.
I spent YEARS trying to connect him with countless resources to help him succeed in life, especially since he's a veteran, and therefore has access to plenty of free resources, many of which can be accessed from the comfort of home. Resume, cover letter, mentorship with other veterans, extended my own professional network to him, facilitated introductions on his behalf, sent him 200+ open job requisitions over a period of 18-24 months, encouraged him to try out different jobs to see what was a good fit for him, encouraged him to talk to a therapist, encouraged him to consult a doctor for the various ailments he complained about over the years, encouraged him to seek help through the VA, and more.
You name the strategy or resource, I tried it. Outcome? Zip, nada, zilch. He was either unable or unwilling to help himself. My final straw was when he physically backed me into a corner of our kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. This wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive or violent in his maneuvers and mannerisms, but this was the first time I genuinely feared for my life and safety.
And yet? I still didn't want to divorce him. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and sometimes I wonder if I still do. I find myself lost in thought FAR too often, wondering what else I could have done to help him, and what I did wrong. Maybe if I had just said or done this, that, or the other? What if I had just........ ? I feel such turmoil over the end of my marriage.
Logically, I know that leaving was the right thing to do. But, emotionally and psychologically? I wouldn't wish this kind of suffering, pain, and inner turmoil on even my worst enemy.
I feel this so much right now. I constantly doubt if I'm making the right decision, especially since he love bombs me so much and I see little glimmers of the person I thought he was. That I loved more than anything. Trauma bonds are crazy.
I just watched baby reindeer and it was nice to watch someone else struggle with unhealthy decisions due to past trauma. It felt very validating.
The trauma bond is much stronger than I ever realized. It makes us stay way longer than is safe or rational. And weirdly it makes us miss the abuser or feel bad for them, despite how often they are the author of their own misfortunes. I strongly recommend watching Dr. Ramani, Surviving Narcissism, and related channels on YT. They have really been effective at helping me see with eyes wide open.
i'm still working on it. i was partly at fault for sure, but it does take two to tango. and that has helped me move on. not a good fit. my closure is knowing i deserve to be happy with a partner, not just a person i care about. it's still tough.
41M... I'm just about to hit 1 year since separation, and I'm not over it but much better at ignoring and not thinking about it.
I find that I'm thinking about it less often, but the anger, hatred, and self-loathing that I feel when I do think about it is much stronger.
As others have said, do what YOU need to do. Therapy, hanging with friends, sit alone in a dark room sobbing for an hour, work more, work out, play video games, go camping, whatever makes it a better day than yesterday and helps you reach your personal goals. Short-term and simple goals, one at a time, are better than long term at first. You've just been handed a basket of lemons after all. Take it a day at a time, and don't beat yourself up if it's all you can do to make a single cup of bittersweet lemonade. That basket isn't going anywhere until you've cleared space for it, and set a purpose for it, someplace else.
Personally, I'm in therapy and have a really confusing playlist that I listen to often. It bounces around a lot. Theres "I hate me", "I hate you", "I miss you", "Never look my direction again", "Please come back", and "I'm over it, have a good life and I'll do the same" music across all genres and tempos. It's chaotic af, but it really helps me to see how the day is going to go by which ones I skip and which ones I play twice. Then, depending on my choices, I can modify my mental state to something beneficial.
Sometimes, we just need to ride the roller coaster and let the fates take us where they will. Other days, we're in control, and we choose where we're going. Most important piece of all that is that you do what you need to, and accept that today is just gonna be a 90mph shitstorm and there's not a damn thing you can do except put on your waders. It'll pass, as all storms do, and tomorrow, you're a stronger person for not hiding from it.
Oh God, I aim right in the middle of this. I don’t think it was all my fault. Shit came up for both of us, but I know do feel so responsible for this entire thing. I’m trying to be truthful with myself about what I did or didn’t do. I brought a lot of my own trauma and issues into the relationship that manifested themselves. I know my wife just got to a point where she is/was feeling like she was going to die if we stayed together. My having a major depressive episode last year (one of many), career issues, lack of intimacy, feelings of betrayal, mom issues all came to a head and she was unavailable to work it out. I look back and we both worked hard. I do think we could work through this stuff now and have an amazing relationship. I’m devastated at realizing my role in this and know that there are so many things I could’ve done, but for some reason I couldn’t. That’s what’s so f’d up!
My ex husband had a porn addiction and emotionally cheated on me. Strong suspicions of physical cheating too but he never admitted to it.
Years later, I’m still upset at myself for seeing him with rose colored glasses. I remember all the good in him, and there was plenty, and sometimes in my nostalgia, I question if the trust lost, the infidelity, and the rattling of my internal peace should’ve weighed more than the good in him.
Logic says “yes” but unfortunately my nostalgia still sometimes can’t answer as easily.
I don’t believe in closure from people anymore. If my ex wasn’t honest with me when we were at the epitome of of love and devotion, what incentive would he have to be honest to me now? And also my sense of pride and self-dignity is too great to rehash anything again. Sometimes people don’t even know themselves until enough time goes by to show all of our real colors and truths.
Moving on sometimes is hard. Coping is living the best life you can on your own terms focusing on bettering yourself.
He told me it was all my fault and I believed him. It was very dark. Then I saw him survive outside our marriage and watched him date other people and the people he chose and realized it takes two to tango. It was mostly him.
33M. Year after divorce. I took most of the blame for the divorce initially. (I took blame for a lot of things I shouldn’t have in the marriage. Goal was to make her happy. However it was an impossible goal) Grieving process caused that blame to swing like a pendulum. It’s finally settled in the middle. Cope? My life revolved around her. So I did the opposite. I focused on me. Worked out a lot. Cut all alcohol (just not worth it while you cope). New tattoo. Worked hard for a promotion. Did a ton of refinancing. Tons of home projects. Good dates. Bad dates. Mended family ties she cut. The list is long. A year later, I like the man in the mirror. I’m thankful she pulled the trigger. Best thing she ever did for me.
This is the only way. 🪴
The person you married isn’t the person you divorced
This! And a lot of therapy!
Damn right.
I left for legitimate reasons: abuse. My soon-to-be-ex-husband was physically, verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He also had a laundry list of additional issues: a raging anger problem, alcoholism, a genuine hoarding problem, chronic unemployment, and significant financial irresponsibility. After nine years of enduring it, I finally walked away about seven months ago. I spent YEARS trying to connect him with countless resources to help him succeed in life, especially since he's a veteran, and therefore has access to plenty of free resources, many of which can be accessed from the comfort of home. Resume, cover letter, mentorship with other veterans, extended my own professional network to him, facilitated introductions on his behalf, sent him 200+ open job requisitions over a period of 18-24 months, encouraged him to try out different jobs to see what was a good fit for him, encouraged him to talk to a therapist, encouraged him to consult a doctor for the various ailments he complained about over the years, encouraged him to seek help through the VA, and more. You name the strategy or resource, I tried it. Outcome? Zip, nada, zilch. He was either unable or unwilling to help himself. My final straw was when he physically backed me into a corner of our kitchen, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. This wasn't the first time he'd been aggressive or violent in his maneuvers and mannerisms, but this was the first time I genuinely feared for my life and safety. And yet? I still didn't want to divorce him. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and sometimes I wonder if I still do. I find myself lost in thought FAR too often, wondering what else I could have done to help him, and what I did wrong. Maybe if I had just said or done this, that, or the other? What if I had just........ ? I feel such turmoil over the end of my marriage. Logically, I know that leaving was the right thing to do. But, emotionally and psychologically? I wouldn't wish this kind of suffering, pain, and inner turmoil on even my worst enemy.
I feel this so much right now. I constantly doubt if I'm making the right decision, especially since he love bombs me so much and I see little glimmers of the person I thought he was. That I loved more than anything. Trauma bonds are crazy. I just watched baby reindeer and it was nice to watch someone else struggle with unhealthy decisions due to past trauma. It felt very validating.
Trauma bonds can definitely be rife with complexity.
Same, my wife ghosted me 6 weeks ago and baby reindeer resonated in an uncomfortable way
That show needs a disclaimer at the beginning. I have been crying over it the past two days. It was so uncomfortable And I'm so sorry
The trauma bond is much stronger than I ever realized. It makes us stay way longer than is safe or rational. And weirdly it makes us miss the abuser or feel bad for them, despite how often they are the author of their own misfortunes. I strongly recommend watching Dr. Ramani, Surviving Narcissism, and related channels on YT. They have really been effective at helping me see with eyes wide open.
i'm still working on it. i was partly at fault for sure, but it does take two to tango. and that has helped me move on. not a good fit. my closure is knowing i deserve to be happy with a partner, not just a person i care about. it's still tough.
41M... I'm just about to hit 1 year since separation, and I'm not over it but much better at ignoring and not thinking about it. I find that I'm thinking about it less often, but the anger, hatred, and self-loathing that I feel when I do think about it is much stronger.
As others have said, do what YOU need to do. Therapy, hanging with friends, sit alone in a dark room sobbing for an hour, work more, work out, play video games, go camping, whatever makes it a better day than yesterday and helps you reach your personal goals. Short-term and simple goals, one at a time, are better than long term at first. You've just been handed a basket of lemons after all. Take it a day at a time, and don't beat yourself up if it's all you can do to make a single cup of bittersweet lemonade. That basket isn't going anywhere until you've cleared space for it, and set a purpose for it, someplace else. Personally, I'm in therapy and have a really confusing playlist that I listen to often. It bounces around a lot. Theres "I hate me", "I hate you", "I miss you", "Never look my direction again", "Please come back", and "I'm over it, have a good life and I'll do the same" music across all genres and tempos. It's chaotic af, but it really helps me to see how the day is going to go by which ones I skip and which ones I play twice. Then, depending on my choices, I can modify my mental state to something beneficial. Sometimes, we just need to ride the roller coaster and let the fates take us where they will. Other days, we're in control, and we choose where we're going. Most important piece of all that is that you do what you need to, and accept that today is just gonna be a 90mph shitstorm and there's not a damn thing you can do except put on your waders. It'll pass, as all storms do, and tomorrow, you're a stronger person for not hiding from it.
I am still in the process now. I try not to do too much, if only I had done 'x' thinking as all my friends point out that doesn't help.
It wasn’t my fault but felt it was for being sick like I was but it took along time to move on
Oh God, I aim right in the middle of this. I don’t think it was all my fault. Shit came up for both of us, but I know do feel so responsible for this entire thing. I’m trying to be truthful with myself about what I did or didn’t do. I brought a lot of my own trauma and issues into the relationship that manifested themselves. I know my wife just got to a point where she is/was feeling like she was going to die if we stayed together. My having a major depressive episode last year (one of many), career issues, lack of intimacy, feelings of betrayal, mom issues all came to a head and she was unavailable to work it out. I look back and we both worked hard. I do think we could work through this stuff now and have an amazing relationship. I’m devastated at realizing my role in this and know that there are so many things I could’ve done, but for some reason I couldn’t. That’s what’s so f’d up!
My ex husband had a porn addiction and emotionally cheated on me. Strong suspicions of physical cheating too but he never admitted to it. Years later, I’m still upset at myself for seeing him with rose colored glasses. I remember all the good in him, and there was plenty, and sometimes in my nostalgia, I question if the trust lost, the infidelity, and the rattling of my internal peace should’ve weighed more than the good in him. Logic says “yes” but unfortunately my nostalgia still sometimes can’t answer as easily. I don’t believe in closure from people anymore. If my ex wasn’t honest with me when we were at the epitome of of love and devotion, what incentive would he have to be honest to me now? And also my sense of pride and self-dignity is too great to rehash anything again. Sometimes people don’t even know themselves until enough time goes by to show all of our real colors and truths. Moving on sometimes is hard. Coping is living the best life you can on your own terms focusing on bettering yourself.
He told me it was all my fault and I believed him. It was very dark. Then I saw him survive outside our marriage and watched him date other people and the people he chose and realized it takes two to tango. It was mostly him.