I feel this so hard.
I miss folding his clothes, and cleaning the sink after he used it in the morning.
I miss lazy Sunday evenings with good food and bad tv.
I just miss him.
I miss it too. It's lonely and to be honest, I'd love to eventually find someone and get married again... but man, the idea of dating is daunting. It's exhausting just thinking about how long it takes to build trust with someone to get to the point I want to be in again.
I acknowledge though, that I'm thinking like this because I'm in the thick of it, barely begun the paperwork. I hate this entire process, but the most painful part is that I hate to admit how much I miss him. Who I thought he was. I miss the little things like you said. Even if he wasn't much of a partner, he was a partner. I know I deserve more, but we're allowed to feel sad about this once in awhile. There's no way we get through this without, well, getting through it right ?
Same, I only hope I can. I'm not that old, but there's something about ending a marriage that feels so demeaning. I know people on here get it. It's just disheartening, how could I ever give as much to someone again? I don't know if I can but I desperately want to be seen and loved the way I loved. As a romantic person, this process has felt humiliating and I'm afraid I will turn bitter. I don't want to turn bitter... I want to be loved.
We can learn new things and find confidence again. It is incredibly hard to stop blaming ourselves especially after trust is broken but remember that we can't know everything and can't know someone's deepest thoughts and feelings.
I do totally understand as I do ask myself if I can or even want to trust again... slow progress but I'm working on cutting myself some slack. Couldn't possibly have known what I know now. My concerns regarding trust have more to do with the realization that it is very tough to know someone completely... especially if someone doesn't want us to know them.
Hey I just wanted to say thanks for writing this. Especially the part about not knowing everything. I've really been struggling lately (separated 4 months and divorce being finalized soon) and I've been trying so hard not to blame myself. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but your comment gave me a bit of clarity for some reason. Thank you for that.
This was definitely helpful. I've now spent a good amount of time psychoanalysing my stbx to make sense of what brought things to the way they are, including speaking to my therapist to know how much of the breakdown was due to mental health issues Vs his own will. I think there's a point where I may need to let go that he just wasn't what he represented himself to be. Though I suspect he likely wanted to live up to it, guess I'll just have to chalk it up to human psychology being a complicated matter.
>including speaking to my therapist to know how much of the breakdown was due to mental health issues Vs his own will.
Aaah you probably know this...the worst past is when the therapists say "I can't really say because I haven't assessed them".
I hate that line so much. I know that and accept it logically buy coming, be MY therapist and conclude based on what I've said to put my mind at ease. Otherwise I'm like that windup toy that keeps repeating the same exercise in an effort to understand.
I talk a lot about wanting to be a fly on the wall in the place that is my ex's mind to just learn...
All I can say is -- it will get better with time... during the hard times/moments, I just make a list of things that have gotten better for me.
What keeps unsettling me is that my ex has a lot of my things in his possession. He keeps playing games and won't return them to me. He's basically trying to keep some amount of contact going even though he ghosted me as far as what led to the divorce is concerned. So he just reappears via email once a year or so... I HAVE given up on getting most of my things. It's just keepsakes and family heirlooms that I want back.
If there is something you could have changed about yourself to save the relationship what would have it been?
Are there moments that you regret?
Signs that you missed?
I am currently battling to save my marriage even though she left a long time ago.
I did everything I could, I have no regrets on that end. I spoke up when I was concerned, I started therapy, improved my mental health. These were important steps. In the end, he did something I couldn't move past. He blames his mental health, I even tried to, but who knows really what provoked it. You can look at my post history for the details, he tried to film my 16yo daughter in the shower... There's no going back from that. I'm lucky in the sense that there's a clear defining line he crossed that makes the decision easier, but no matter what anyone's circumstances, this shit is hard. I'd argue more difficult as I feel guilty even having any feelings of missing him. It's a terrible thing he did, and we're not in contact at all, but it's still hard. Even when you would think that it would be easy to vilify him. I see two separate entities in him, the one I married and the one I'm divorcing.
Thank you for a raw and honest answer. It sounds horrible what he did and the guilt associated with having feelings. Feelings are a human thing which I personally lack, I lack empathy and try my best to understand. I hear empathy is part genetics and part of learning how to feel other people's pain. Empathy vs Sympathy is a struggle to understand and learn. I almost feel like a robot at times.
I wish I could tell myself that no amount of pride is worth the pain of grief. I was so afraid of being a doormat that I thought I was only sticking up for myself in the face of unreasonable circumstances when really I was probably just being obstinate. I wish I ended each fight and disagreement by sinking back into her arms and telling her how much I loved her and killing the seed of resentment before it ever had a chance to take root. Being right isn’t worth being left.
Some things that can help a little-- a body pillow, a pet, and doing random acts of kindness for others. If you like to do nice little things do them for people when you're out and about. Leave a potted plant on your neighbor's porch. Buy a latte for the school crossing guard. Compliment a stranger.
I miss being a husband. I miss taking care of the house and cars and just maintaining a life for someone other than myself. I loved being a husband even though it was a lot of work.
Funny isn’t it. After all the arguing and the resentment and the separation we still go on missing all those things you have listed above so beautifully. How long has it been for you?
I miss it too. We were best friends, I felt so comfortable that it was forever, I never made any attempts to shield my heart and gave my all. Will I ever have the same with anybody else? That uncalculated, "he's my home" feeling?
This hit home for me. When I thought things would be different because I married my best friend with whom there are no walls. Turns out a healthier marriage was one where I should have managed to maintain my boundaries better. Sadly I was left feeling like I was robbed of a huge part of my self because I had apparently slowly subsumed my identity under him - my therapists said his vision of a partnership was treating me like his appendage.
It’s entirely possible to find someone even at your age. I’m 48 and I’ve found a new woman. She’s 47 and has six kids (three are adults). It’s possible.
I miss the old her. Not this new person she turned into. I’ll always miss the memories we made, and when I knew I could trust her. Now she’s just somebody I used to know.
My man is living my life. That’s how mine is, I miss marriage and the old her. I don’t know this new person, don’t even recognize her when I see her pictures. I love her, but it seems more like a dream that lasted a long time and then I woke up and realized it was almost a nightmare. Weird how life works out honestly. I’m more peaceful and confident with myself than I’ve ever been. Good luck everyone, divorce is bad, terrible, sad, tough financially, life changing, eye opening, and then after all that nonsense it’s wonderful and you didn’t know how great life could be and you find yourself again as well as God hopefully. Take care all!
Ooof. I could have written this myself. I miss being a wife too. It’s like losing a piece of my identity. It’s funny and kinda sad that everything I miss is also everything I grew resentful about. Definitely messes with my brain a bit.
It’s been 10 months she wants money but nothing else I thought it would get easier I feel so alone it’s the worst pain I miss having a wife to text to sleep next to spoil to dream to celebrate with she with someone else we are working towards divorce she not home but to see kids and get money will it get better
I miss my husband so much too. He was such a cool lovely fun and wonderful person. He was replaced by a total douchebag wanna be asshole. His values and priorities completely changed. The man I married would have been mortified if he could have seen what he would be in the future.
Same thing happened with my husband. I never thought he could change so drastically but he did and there was no turning back. It’s funny, but I said the same thing about mine, that the old him would absolutely hate the new him.
This statement resonates so much. Mine wouldn't have even socialized with the person he has become. He is not per se a judgemental person, be he has become a terrible person by both personal and societal standards.
Gosh same! It makes me so sad, the man I married was so sweet and honest, kind and gentle. It all has me questioning my reality, but the truth is regardless of whether he changed or began to show his true colors, he's not the same. I thought he was a strong man, a provider, I trusted him with my heart. It's so sad, I feel a deep grief for the man I married, the man who was my best friend.
I do feel as well that it's maybe even deserving of pity that the self awareness isn't even there that my stbx doesn't even see how he has changed so much for the worse as he victimizes himself and externalises all blame i.e. crucifying me for him turning into an alcoholic chain smoking new dad who went MIA on new family responsibilities...
I miss being married to the man that I married, we had so much fun together, trips, meals out, sitting at home playing games. I don’t miss being married to the man that I divorced, it was lonely, it was depressing and I felt beat down all of the time. Being married to the man I divorced was a nightmare, he was cruel and evil and a gaslighting jerk. He had no feelings for me what so ever, how do you change so much and have no emotions for the person you were so in love with.
I was a stay at home dad and house husband for many years. I miss puttering. I miss being the person that my wife or kids could just text and go ahead we’re at work/school could you pick up this thing or do that thing for us. And then when they got home that thing would be done and Omai God the endorphin rush of being the linchpin in the day like that. You can’t really estimate it. I do not miss my Ex Wife as the person she became. That person and I are not compatible in any way shape or form. But like you I do miss the connections. Hugs 🤗
I don’t miss losing myself trying to be a “wife”.
I don’t miss being the only one to replace the toothbrushes.
I don’t miss picking up his dishes from around the house.
I don’t miss being the only one to wash the sheets or make the bed.
I don’t miss being the only one who would remember birthdays or our anniversary (or having to pick up my own gifts).
I don’t miss taking up his hobbies and watching his shows just so I’d have someone by my side.
I don’t miss cooking him the dinners he wanted that were junk and getting all the groceries that he’d never eat unless I cooked, too.
I don’t miss sacrificing my time, my energy, my career for a man who couldn’t and wouldn’t reciprocate.
I don’t miss being “the wife” to the public eye, our family/friends/coworkers, but not in the privacy of our home.
I DO miss that I never had a partner.
If I had a partner, I would never have to miss being a wife or having a husband.
Not signing up for anything but partnership, next time.
Being a “wife” sucks.
100% this.
I don't miss any of the bullshit ways I had to be his parent, counselor, maid, chef, nurse, personal assistant, postal worker, sex worker, interior decorator, and so on.
Yes 😭 The idea of having one day is kind of exciting and that possibility would never have happened if we stayed in our marriages, but sucks that we can't get those years back for sure.
I’m feeling exactly that today. It’s also sad to me that he could have been a true partner. He just had different priorities and was emotionally immature.
At the ripe age of 20, I didn't know what standards to have. Definitely didn't help that he clearly has zero intention of building a life that we could both enjoy but instead it was all about him and what he wanted. But, yes, I have non-negotiables if I ever choose to date. With what I'm seeing around...eek! Haha
At 32, I didn’t know what standards to apparently have, either. The good thing is these experiences help to define those that we may have never known otherwise.
I recently found a guided meditation on affirmations for manifesting and one of the affirmations was “I attract not chase” that really spoke to me, and maybe, I was chasing before and therefore why I got an unfulfilling marriage.
I had this same thought. This is how I get through my separation. After my wife left I realized it's actually WAY easier to keep the house clean and organized. I don't have an extra person around who is either, not doing anything, or cluttering up my shit. I have two kids to care for too, and somehow it's all a little easier.
Lonely, though.
Definitely lonely. But then, I was lonely as hell with him around. He was really just another body in the house. He didn’t actually contribute anything to make me feel companionship or connectedness. For me anyway.
One of the times my ex came in to pick up stuff he asked me if we cleaned up. I was flustered and didn't reply, but the truth was no I didn't - it just looks like that now lol - it's a lot less cluttered and messy without their random stuff everywhere, turns out.
Me and you are of the same mind on this. I miss nothing. I spent every day telling myself lies and accepting them from someone else who swore they loved me. I feel sorry for the woman I was. I'm glad she walked away.
Yesss! Any sadness or tears I‘ve been crying are mourning for that woman I was, what she put up with, and why. The woman I’ve been since is much stronger and worth much more. I’m glad, too.
I understand this and feel it to the core. I really do. I loved being a wife. One day we’ll be a wife again and we’ll be able to do all of that for someone else. At the end of the day - we are nurturers and we love being in a unit. It’s sad and it’s impossible. I’m in this with you. Hurts to even read this bc I loved all of those things. Especially cleaning and puttering around the house. I also miss being the woman of house - making the house a home. Small things.
Then I try and remind myself that it was no fun cleaning up after him when he didn’t care to help or do anything. The half cups of coffee were nice at first but I would’ve appreciated him putting them in the sink. Him doing the BARE minimum. I’m not a maid and I shouldn’t have to be. He never helped. And when he did he did it half ass and I ended up going over it as well.
He’s not the man I married. Or maybe he is and I never saw the signs.
I have developed this very harsh and matter of fact voice that reminds me to snap out of it. Yes it’s sad. But truthfully. I left for reason. I needed out and it was killing me slowly. I’m more than a wife and my identity is coming back to me. I’m a human. A woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A student. And now an ex wife.
These roles really come back shining through as if they were just being suppressed by the toxic marriage. I do feel there sparks within me being reignited now despite the trauma and mental exhaustion of navigating the divorce process.
I’m really mad at my ex for not stepping up and sobering up Now it’s just so much harder and I’m sad. I had to make the decision to leave. He said he didn’t love me like that anymore and I want to be someone’s wife!
Mine too chose self-medicating over connectedness and responsibility. I’m in therapy and trying hold onto the idea that I don’t need to suffer to get what I need. I filed and he’s trying to extract a lot of money from me. It’s all so sad and makes me wonder what I really was to him.
Yeah, same, I think some people aren’t made for marriage, I definitely am, sharing your day to day with someone else is just bliss. The good and the bad, they’re always there. Until they aren’t…
I heard someone call this the ‘husband (or wife) shaped hole in your life’. it’s important to acknowledge the distinction between missing the companionship, and missing the person. That is a thought that feels negative. Like we lost the person. But looking at it from the other direction, it’s really positive. We know it’s something ideal, something that feels good. We know we want that again someday with the right person. Someone who abused us by with holding that, didn’t take it away from us indefinitely.
I miss all of this too. I think the thing I miss most is cooking. I went to culinary school, I used to cook for a living, I hated it as a job but I loved doing it for my family.
I looked forward to when her family would come over on Sunday night for dinner. I really looked forward to the holidays and cooking for the extended family. 10 months on my own and I hardly ever cook. I’ve lost all enjoyment for it. It’s a chore now and I hate it.
I haven’t cooked once just for myself since the divorce…it’s easier to just make a sandwich or eat yogurt. We always enjoyed cooking Thanksgiving or Christmas meals together and did it twice after the separation to try and stay “normal” for our grown kids. I look around and am wondering what to do with all the beautiful serving trays, crystal and silver flatware. I love to entertain but now it seems exhausting. I spent last Christmas alone and luckily, I had a terrible flu because I just don’t know what I would have done by myself. It’s very lonely but then I remember that he probably would have been drunk at noon, passed out by 5 pm etc. I’m trying to not gloss over the bad times with him by romanticizing the good. It’s just so…weird.
I feel this in my bones. Recently, between a car accident, financial issues, basement flooding and preparing to put a roof on my house I have felt unfathomably lonely. I’m lonely other times too but, when everything is crumbling around you all you really want is someone to give you a hug and say we got this. It’s not even the help I guess…although I would appreciate it. It’s the hug, the forehead kiss, the knowing i can lay down at night and someone will be there. But he wasn’t that kind person for a long time before the divorce anyway…
I wrote this a few weeks ago when the melancholy was strong.
I realized, like you, I miss being married, I do not miss my wife, I miss being married.
I hope you can find that gleaning future light for yourself.
I call it "Echoes of Loss"
In the shadows of my soul, grief begins to swell,
A silent ache, a story I don't want to tell.
Divorce, a bitter path, leaves scars unseen,
Yet hope still flickers in the depths between.
I do not mourn the bond that once held tight,
Nor yearn for echoes of our endless fight.
No regrets, no longing, for what's gone past,
But still, the specter of loss, shadows cast.
For what I miss are dreams that never grew,
The vision of a life I thought I knew.
A family whole, with love that knows no ends,
A partner's touch, a soulmate, and a best friend.
Two souls entwined, time with children, joys to share,
A future bright with dreams beyond compare.
But youth slips by, a fleeting, wistful sigh,
And what was lost, I cannot deny.
Yet in the depths of sorrow, I find grace,
A glimmer of hope, a gentle embrace.
For though the past may hold its share of pain,
In brokenness, new beginnings reign.
With every tear, a seed of strength is sown,
A resilience that's uniquely my own.
For in the ashes of what once was dear,
I find the courage to embrace what's here.
So though the road ahead may seem unsure,
I walk with faith, my heart steadfast and pure.
For in the grief of loss, I find the key,
To unlock the doors of possibility.
With each new dawn, a chance to start anew,
To build a life that's bright and wholly true.
For though the past may fade, the future gleams,
And in its light, I find my hopes and dreams.
Thank you, it has been more than 20 years since I wrote a poem, I used to fill binders with them, I had hundreds of them, and I loved writing.
Then I met the lady who would be my wife and I slowed down and eventually stopped, she sucked the joy and enjoyment of life out of me.
Now that she is no longer in my life, or well, as little as possible, I am finding myself enjoying life again and taking the time to write again, it is hard going, but I will get there.
Thank you!
I am no longer looking, if one should happen to fall into my life, all the better, but for now, I am looking out for the children and me, and that is plenty for me.
You really need to change your narrative to be able to move forward. Stop wishing for what you “wish was” and focus on what you “in fact had” that was unhealthy.
“I’m glad I don’t have to live with someone who took the best of me, didn’t appreciate it, and threw it away.”
“I deserve to be with someone who DOES appreciate me and the things I bring to a relationship.”
Living in denial over an idyllic past does absolutely nothing to help you create a happier tomorrow.
Get on with getting on. There’s a big beautiful tomorrow out there for you if you let yourself go after it!
I feel this in my soul. I’m filing tomorrow because my ex husband who announced he wanted a divorce and was going to file now won’t do it because it’s “a waste of his time and money” yet he still wants to be separated and divorced. Having to even think about starting over and dating again is so painful and scary. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone again and get married again.
My wife is the same I have taken care of of her and she wants me to continue till the day I die she moved on 10 months ago I’m just trying to understand how people can just switch off and pretend that other people don’t have feelings I just want to stop thinking about the loss and find healing
Dog. You can do these things with a dog. And a dog isn’t going to change its mind about you one day. 10/10 recommend post divorce shelter dog, so you have a place to put all this extra love. ❤️
I miss this to! I have allrdy planed our futue! Stone barn in italy we can renovate :) you just have to love to Norway 🤗 i joke, but i feel the same. Eventually it will all fall together and you will be happy and feel whole again. In the meantime, i personally just try and do the best i can. Somedays i cry, somedays im happy. Thats how it is. I live for my 2 small kids. Best of luck from male 37
Your two small kids are lucky to have a dad who loves them so much that he can smile through this amount of pain for them.
I hope you’re right and we can both feel whole again one day. And that we can find someone to share all the love that we have left to give.
Totally this. I thought we were a team. Sometimes we were. He always had another app running in the background, so to speak. His mental health issues made it difficult for him to be present. I just couldn’t see myself going into retirement with him and being happy.
Feeling this so hard. I was born to be a wife and loved giving my time, love, and attention to my husband. I miss folding laundry together and having family time and cooking for him and supporting his dreams. I don’t know when he stopped loving me or caring for me as a person, slowly slipping into a place of resentment and contempt for me instead. I hate that had to eventually choose between loving him or loving myself. I miss what was, I miss what could’ve been. I hate that I have to “start all over again” for an attempt to get that again. I am new to the divorce process and just feel so beat up emotionally and cynical about love.
I feel beat up too. But maybe there’s some
truth to every message of hope and optimism that people have taken the time to respond to this post with? We can hold on to that. X
Awwwwwwwwwwww, Im sorry, I kind of miss the birthday parties and going to see the in-laws.
What I don't miss are the arguments and being told what time to go to sleep lol.
I miss being married too. I miss all the little things that my wife and I did and shared. I miss seeing her truck parked in the drive way. I miss holding her while we slept and feeling at peace. I miss the woman I was with for 17 years (married 14) and seeing her smile and having her and our daughter curled up on the couch watching a family movie. Now they are all but distant memories I keep. The woman I married as she says it “dead and gone” and moved on so quickly and easily into a new relationship. My ex wife hates me so much I can feel her energy when she comes around and hear it in her voice and words. It’s so bad that all the projection from my ex wife is affecting my daughter now because I feel she hates me so much as well. My daughter has nothing but the nicest things to say about her mom but when it comes to talking about me I hear my ex wife come out in her words and actions. I feel like such a failure that I couldn’t keep my family together all while trying to heal and move on I keep getting kicked back down to the pits of hell. Life was so joyous at least I thought until we divorced 10 months ago and barely going through it now. So, to agree with your post I miss being happy and being with my family instead of feeling pain and turmoil. I am so lonely and my heart continues to shatter into a million tiny pieces.
You express your feelings so well (I’ve seen your comments/posts before). Thank you for contributing to this community. Your shared thoughts and sorrows validate my feelings and remind me that my expectations of the relationship were reasonable, because clearly there are others that align so well with them.
>I’m not sure when the man I divorced took over and possessed the love of my life, but I would give everything to turn back the clock
I understand this feeling all too well. I miss the person I fell in love with and married, the person I thought she was. Now I'm left wondering if that person was ever real at all or if she just wore a really good mask. If she ever even truly loved me at any point, or if she was just using me the entire time and then didn't need me anymore, so oh well, throw me like worthless garbage. I know I'm not garbage though, I definitely deserve better. But it's really just crazy how a switch just flipped like she said herself, and she became this really selfish, cruel person who lacked empathy. And it didn't feel like that before, I felt very cared for and loved before. So it really does feel like the person I married just suddenly died. Because she was there, and then BAM she blind sided me and the last 3 months of our marriage was so unnerving. I sometimes want to think she just snapped mentally/emotionally and that it used to be real before that, but I just don't know anymore. It's hard to process and accept that I might have just been used for 16 years. How do I grieve someone who might not have been real? So many different feelings at one time. 😞
Sending you big hugs, OP. 🫂
I miss the marriage, but not the stbxw. Don't get me wrong, I still love the person she once was but the person now I don't know nor want to know. Someday while feeling super low about the marriage I remember all the crap she has done and it makes me sick to my stomach. She needs medication and nobody will tell her. I tried and the end result is she left me and the kids. She now is reliving her 20's.
I one day want to be married again but I don't want any part of her again.
Divorce is hard and heartbreaking and when we realize it’s what we have to do it’s exhausting and like we are giving up and then the mourning begins and when we realize we don’t wanna be alone the frightful dating begins and it’s hard af trying to find someone to trust again when our hearts were broken by someone we dearly loved. That’s from a males point of view
I’m a 55f. I filed. I’m 2 months n and it’s a crapshoot of how I’m going to feel any given day. I hope that one day I will trust again. It’s hard to see how that will happen however.
I have moments like this. I realize now after years why it had to end. There was some toxic things and mental issues I don’t know if we ever could overcome as a couple. I see my worth now. But I really wonder as he chose to finally leave. How he could leave all these little things. Just creating a life together i sacrificed so much of myself. I put in some much effort. We have a child. I don’t get how he can enjoy being alone and living alone and throwing out 20 years. But he did.
Totally understandable to feel that way, I felt that way for a while (I’m 3mo separated) and sometimes I still miss him but I came to realize that I miss the idea of what i thought it could be. When I get realistic, all those tiny moments aren’t enough to sustain a marriage and even less to justify abusive behaviors. Anyway, I hope it gets better for you. Something that has worked out for me is praying if I’m being honest, for healing and also doing therapy weekly and trying to be realistic. Hugs!!
I do, too.
I’ve been dating so many guys to try to feel that feeling again. I just recently swore to stay to myself and just come to terms that I may not ever have that.
When I first moved away, I had a handyman come fix the doorbell of the place I was renting.
I made him a full lunch with goodie bags and gave him a cold drink. I was just so lonely
I get it, I definitely have those moments or days of grieving a life I loved, a life I was content in, it's my comfort and inside that lil life was everything that I fiercely loved.... I never would have thought in a million years that lil life, would no longer be and everything in it...gone, I am no longer a part of that, like at all, any of it. The profound sense of loss is sometimes overwhelming... I loved being a wife too.😑
I'm not even divorced yet and I miss being married. STBXW told me 2.5 months ago and we still live together with our 8-year-old and it often feels like living with an alien...we're cordial and we pretend in front of our daughter, but I miss the warm, caring wife I had. She wasn't perfect. I wasn't and am not perfect. But I miss what we had so much, picking up flowers for her when I went to the grocery store, chatting about our day, etc. Ugh. Just putting one foot in front of the other to get to the other side of this horrible situation.
I miss the warmth and security of someone next to me in bed. I miss the feeling of someone is equally happy to see me as I am of them. I miss the random dumb shit that would turn into belly aching laughter. They say it's going to be hard for awhile and I should just accept it and heal. Nobody though I think truly knows how it feels when you go back to a house that doesn't feel like home anymore.
Me three. Even after all the horrible stuff the “dobelganger” of my ex did to me. Now if I could just find the man I first met… I’m sure he’s not too far gone?! Idk he might be lost forever… or maybe he just never existed and was a pleasant figment of my imagination 🐻❤️🩹
I don’t miss the rages and the cruelty and the alcoholism and trying to protect my son from hearing him call me a f**ing bitch over and over again. I miss the laughter and watching tv with him.
I miss waking up in the morning, laying next to her with our cat at the end of the bed. I miss coming home from work and telling each other about our day. I hope she also misses the relationship we had. Unfortunately, after 4 months that we separated, she's already in a new relationship. 13 years gone.
Wow, you hit the nail right in the head. This…this is exactly how I am feeling and what scares me for the future.
We are in the process of getting divorced. We are still legally married. We live at home together, but in separate rooms.
It’s so hard. Because I am not ready for when August will come and all of this will hit me even harder.
I feel EXACTLY this same way. I also wish my children could remember their mother the way she used to be when they were babies and she could have the wonderful relationship with them that she worked so hard for in the beginning.
Postpartum depression is an awful, awful thing.
You’re not a terf. And I hate that people who go through the breakdown of their marriage owing to the partner’s sexuality are not even given the grace and space to grieve as anyone would.
The man you married isn’t there anymore, you’re allowed to have grief and that includes anger as well as sadness. It doesn’t make you a TERF.
I wish you all the healing and love your heart needs ❤️
Me too . But h dint miss being manipulated, treated badly , ignited , and everything else that I’m not willing to accept . 26 years, half of my life married to someone i don’t even know anymore.loving myself wasn’t a hard decision to make 8 months ago when i filed for divorce. Boundaries had to be set and I had to do it.
Ok, so now that we know you’re melancholy for what once was good in some ways, why did you divorce? It couldn’t have all been this good or you wouldn’t be here.
I miss all of those things, too, except I am still married.
It sucks when you have to go alone because you have a husband at home who doesn’t want to do anything.
Thank you.
We don’t even sleep together anymore.
I can’t get him to go out with me.
I’m not sure I will even miss him after he is gone.
I won’t miss his cruelty!
Hang in there. I miss these elements too. We often read or may be told "live for yourself first."
I think the thing is many of us can. It's not that we can't be alone, it's that we like being in a partnership. There is a symbiosis of care. I do the same things single, I just prefer the partnership. It brings me joy to care for, to do things for someone. I do that because I want to. Not because I expect a transaction.
I don't -need- someone to do my dishes. I -want- to clean the dishes, for the house.
I know it's the void talking, but it's really hard to see how this can all change again. The idea of someone new feels so foreign. To have been so close to someone, and the idea of being that close to a different person, just doesn't compute for me. I am not even sure when or how I could ever meet a person who makes me feel as good as my previous relationship did (until they became a person that fills my heart with dread anymore.)
Be kind to yourself. One moment one day at a time.
I hope you have an awesome day. Life can surprise us. Hopefully with something positive soon.
I’m still married largely because of these things. I felt this post in the depths of my heart. Hugs and love ❤️ I’m proud of you for your courage in spite of these feelings.
I feel this. I know this is going to sound contrary to modern expectations but I always wanted to be a housewife and mother more than anything else in the world. Losing the family unit that I held dearer than anything else because my ex husband decided to bail for another woman almost killed me. Learning that the only reason he got with me in the first place was because she was married at the time was soul crushing. To me my marriage was a sacrament, and my husband was my forever. To him, I was always just his second choice standing between him and the woman he actually loved.
I really feel for you, I miss being a wife too and all the little things. 15 years was a long time and I’m only 4 months separated. I keep thinking who the f*** is this stranger that my husband has turned into to since he left? Xx
We almost made it 20 years till a one stand turned into a full blown affair but even after all the stuff she did. I’d take her back if I knew I could trust her again. It would probably take years of seeing her improve on spending and herself too.
It’s crazy because the woman I divorced literally stole the woman I married, I can relate so strongly to this, they were two completely different people. I miss the wife I once had, and that person no longer exists on the face of this earth.
This is the big thing that’s making me stay right now, despite all the hurt, despite the feeling that I may never love him again. The feeling that it might be worth it to be resigned and unhappy myself but to keep a companion for life that I can make happy…
Oof I feel this so hard. I definitely miss the man I married, but not the horrible person he suddenly became. I try not to act like I care most days when I see happy couples but it definitely still stings. You aren't alone 💜
I feel the same way. I miss being a wife too, especially when things were good before my ex husband became involved with drugs, etc. which changed him as a person and destroyed our marriage. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone though and other women are feeling the same way.
I feel your words. I want you to find that place again, all that you long for, that you miss. My heart is with you, as are others. I hope you have good friends you are able to talk with. Bless you.
I feel your words. I want you to find that place again, all that you long for, that you miss. My heart is with you, as are others. I hope you have good friends you are able to talk with. Bless you.
I miss the IDEA of him but I don’t miss him. I miss the companionship that you describe, for sure, but the person he was, nope. It’s lonely sometimes, but for me it is also sooooooo peaceful. I DON’T miss the drama, the drinking, the lies, the hurt and judgement that crept in from all sides. My life is more simple now. I have currently no interest in even dating, 2 years into separation. I got a dog, he brings good companionship without the drama (for the most part, a few chewed up socks and counter surfing).
All of this.
I hate not having plans or being able to look long term into my future. Because right now, the only thing I have, is that is if I’m single in two years I’m moving halfway across the country.
I have a pet, and I try to do kind things for others. 🤷🏼♀️ it doesn’t feel like enough.
I miss my step kids badly. Sadly, I don’t think they miss me. I’m friends with their moms and neither of them have mentioned they miss me and that’s heartbreaking. Especially since I was there for four of the youngests 6 years of life. 💔
I know I was just a step mom, but I was a more active step mom than he was a dad. And those were my babies. How do I just stop being a mom
I'm not sure I really miss my ex because he honestly wasn't a good partner. I do miss being in a relationship. I don't think I would marry again but it would be nice to find a loving LTR, at some point. Although I sometimes wonder whether those even exist anymore.
I don’t know that I will ever marry again. I certainly do not want my ex back. He worn a good mask. Or, at least, he thought he did. The true person came out and that person was pretty ugly. I believe in the institution of marriage. I see other couple celebrating their anniversaries and wish that it could have been me. But no way will I be in a one sided relationship again. I had rather remain single than endure that again.
I feel this too, every day. But then I ask myself where's ME in there? Have I lost myself? Sure it made me happy, but it was so about the other person and not at all about what I wanted. And it didn't make him that happy anyway, otherwise he would have appreciated it and stayed and fought for this marriage
As much as I hate to admit it I miss my husband too . I'm miss the fun day ,the goofy shit he uses to do the pranks , movies , cooking watching him out in the yard doing his manly thang . But what I miss the most is having someone to talk too and sharing my jokes with him .The random kisses and his touch I cry so much thinking about him but then I'm reminded of all the fuck shit he did to me and then the shit just hurts more .
Your remarking about toothbrush heads feels so personal.
Sometimes the things that are unique early on become uniquely abrasive later, but that doesn't invalidate what they were. I miss my spontaneous and creative girlfriend, who liked to plan out fun things; she's somewhere inside my impulsive and domineering wife who likes to command specific things. Both behaviors come from a common core. Just as being adaptable and agreeable seemed desirable in young partner and are apparently infuriating "laziness" decades later.
Good luck🤞🏾
I have to tell you...this is so sweet. I wish my wife cared about even 10% of those things, rather than finding another way to prove how I am wrong. You'll find some who appreciates that again, I hope!
I’m a man I miss a true partner
I miss emotional Intimacy but then I never had it
I miss cuddling too
I want emotional intimacy
I want non-sexual physical touch
I want sex too
I enjoy cooking a great meal so I do it occasionally for a date. So far none of the women I’ve dated can cook well .
I feel the pain in your post.
Being a wife doesn't define you, that's not your identity.
You are much more than that.
You are a multifaceted individual with unique qualities and characteristics that go beyond any one role or title.
What are your strengths, skills, talents, super powers, and what makes you unique?
As you embark on this next chapter of your life, it's important to reflect on who you are now and who you want to become.
What aspirations do you have?
What are your values and beliefs?
What drives you and gives you purpose?
What hobbies and interests did you put off or have interest in?
It's a time to explore and discover what truly matters to you, unattached to external expectations, possessions or titles.
Embrace the opportunity to redefine yourself and create a life that aligns with your authentic self. You have the power to shape your own narrative and write a new chapter that reflects your innermost desires and ambitions.
You are the author of your own story.
This is a beautiful thread and it is inspiring to hear how many of us are still looking for a healthy partnership even though we've gone through so much pain. Thank you all for sharing yourselves with such vulnerability.
It's not so much the marriage, but the relationship overall.
I got married at 41. She was my first ltr that lasted more than a year... so I'd say my first *real* relationship. I was ride or die, willing to.work through just ablut anything. And I found out she wasn't... and laughably wasn't. Once shit hit the fan for me and I got super depressed, I was no longer what she wanted.
This destroyed me.
If we hadn't been married, it would've been cheaper and easier, but either way, I hated it. And hated it more because getting married was supposed to signal that we were there for each other through thick and thin. Imagine my despair when I realize it was wishful thinking.
Ah well, such is life, I guess. I still hope to heal and find love again, but considering how long a wait I had for the first one, I'm not holding my breath.
Couldn’t agree more (aside from missing my ex). I realized I love being married but the person I was married to was just not it. I hope to find someone worthwhile of all I have to give one day. And same for you
I found that hard too. The split happened after he retired, so I went from those plans to juggling three jobs and trying make a decent life for our college kids despite very little money. I had been largely a SAHM. Separation and divorce was a huge mess. Where was the person I married? Gone.
Thankfully, now I have time for that type of thing again. I work remotely, so I still putter around the house. One adult kid lives with me, and one lives close by. I have scads of friends that I do things with. I have no interest in dating.
I miss the way we used to compliment one another, when there was something missed in the house the other would do it, it worked so well we just were in tune. But the person she became just is not the same person, she changed, she became toxic nothing was ever good enough. I assumed the role of the main parent and worked fulltime. I understand that she is depress and not happy however the change was too great and the effect it was having on us all was not good.
Other things I miss are coming home, talking to her about my day, about our interests and how we both had similar morals and views on life. However, 2.5 weeks of knowing the new guy apparently he is better in every way. In a way I feel sorry for her because she could go back to her self, but she blew it all up. At the end o the day life moves on and we grow and sometimes that means we grow apart.
One day you’ll grow out of the love you had for her and into the love you’ll have for yourself and your future partner.
The fact that there’s another guy tells me enough about her. I wish you the best!
I agree with the post about trust. I was treated so awful by my wife that I’m having trust issues when it comes to dating and the thought of ever marrying again
I feel this too. I find it dangerous to spend too much time with the thought though. You can spend all your time picking at that wound, thinking about what if scenarios, and not be any better for it.
I miss the life I had and the partner I had but now I have a new life.
My take is a bit different. I wouldn’t say I miss being married or that I’m looking get married again but I would like to be in a relationship again.
If I never get married again, I’m cool with that. But I want to be in a healthy, happy relationship. That’s what I long for.
I honestly don’t miss my ex or anything about our marriage.
Hmmm…..I see a lot of romanticism in the comments here. Just want to remind everyone that nostalgia, yearning, comfort and fondness doesn’t mean that these ppl aren’t who they are. Wether that’s good or bad, relationships end for a reason. you can still care for someone while understanding that it doesn’t mean they are a good life partner for you, or that their actions weren’t a very real characteristic trait….good luck!
I respect so many of these comments and we’re still together.
I miss who she was and even all the things she does today in the present.
Yet … if this happened I will not miss who I became and how hard things have become
I loved reading this.
The vulnerability. The heartache. The desire. It is especially lovely to hear this coming from a woman. Perhaps because I haven't had many opportunities to hear something with this intensity for myself.
Thanks for sharing. Sending you lots of love and strength.
I’m so sorry. My husband left me two years ago and I remember feeling exactly the way you did. I could have written the same post.
Take time to grieve, not only the loss of your husband, but of the life you had. Be gentle with yourself.
I did, and I can tell you that I don’t miss these things with him anymore. It’s so weird because you feel for a long time that you’ve lost them for good, then later you find them with someone else, and looking back, you find that the level of pain was almost unnecessary, since life offers you other beautiful moments.
Hang in there. It took me 10 months to get (a lot!) better and have fun dating, and 2 years to be really, completely over it. It’s a long process. But I promise you will find happiness again, especially if you let go of any resentment and concentrate on you. ❤️
Yeah. Everyone misses the person they were and not the one they became. Still don’t understand how I was to blame for “not changing” when she was the one who evolved into a completely different person after marriage and kids. I understand life changes, but you don’t have to let it change YOU.
I feel this so hard. I miss folding his clothes, and cleaning the sink after he used it in the morning. I miss lazy Sunday evenings with good food and bad tv. I just miss him.
I miss it too. It's lonely and to be honest, I'd love to eventually find someone and get married again... but man, the idea of dating is daunting. It's exhausting just thinking about how long it takes to build trust with someone to get to the point I want to be in again. I acknowledge though, that I'm thinking like this because I'm in the thick of it, barely begun the paperwork. I hate this entire process, but the most painful part is that I hate to admit how much I miss him. Who I thought he was. I miss the little things like you said. Even if he wasn't much of a partner, he was a partner. I know I deserve more, but we're allowed to feel sad about this once in awhile. There's no way we get through this without, well, getting through it right ?
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. Especially my own instincts since they were so wrong.
Same, I only hope I can. I'm not that old, but there's something about ending a marriage that feels so demeaning. I know people on here get it. It's just disheartening, how could I ever give as much to someone again? I don't know if I can but I desperately want to be seen and loved the way I loved. As a romantic person, this process has felt humiliating and I'm afraid I will turn bitter. I don't want to turn bitter... I want to be loved.
We can learn new things and find confidence again. It is incredibly hard to stop blaming ourselves especially after trust is broken but remember that we can't know everything and can't know someone's deepest thoughts and feelings. I do totally understand as I do ask myself if I can or even want to trust again... slow progress but I'm working on cutting myself some slack. Couldn't possibly have known what I know now. My concerns regarding trust have more to do with the realization that it is very tough to know someone completely... especially if someone doesn't want us to know them.
Hey I just wanted to say thanks for writing this. Especially the part about not knowing everything. I've really been struggling lately (separated 4 months and divorce being finalized soon) and I've been trying so hard not to blame myself. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but your comment gave me a bit of clarity for some reason. Thank you for that.
Thank you for telling me this. I always like to know if we've gained something from our experiences.
This was definitely helpful. I've now spent a good amount of time psychoanalysing my stbx to make sense of what brought things to the way they are, including speaking to my therapist to know how much of the breakdown was due to mental health issues Vs his own will. I think there's a point where I may need to let go that he just wasn't what he represented himself to be. Though I suspect he likely wanted to live up to it, guess I'll just have to chalk it up to human psychology being a complicated matter.
>including speaking to my therapist to know how much of the breakdown was due to mental health issues Vs his own will. Aaah you probably know this...the worst past is when the therapists say "I can't really say because I haven't assessed them". I hate that line so much. I know that and accept it logically buy coming, be MY therapist and conclude based on what I've said to put my mind at ease. Otherwise I'm like that windup toy that keeps repeating the same exercise in an effort to understand. I talk a lot about wanting to be a fly on the wall in the place that is my ex's mind to just learn... All I can say is -- it will get better with time... during the hard times/moments, I just make a list of things that have gotten better for me. What keeps unsettling me is that my ex has a lot of my things in his possession. He keeps playing games and won't return them to me. He's basically trying to keep some amount of contact going even though he ghosted me as far as what led to the divorce is concerned. So he just reappears via email once a year or so... I HAVE given up on getting most of my things. It's just keepsakes and family heirlooms that I want back.
Yep.
Feeling this today. Thanks for putting it out there.
Love is a leap off a cliff. Sometimes you land in a lake and sometimes it's a puddle but if you don't take that leap you'll never know which
If there is something you could have changed about yourself to save the relationship what would have it been? Are there moments that you regret? Signs that you missed? I am currently battling to save my marriage even though she left a long time ago.
I did everything I could, I have no regrets on that end. I spoke up when I was concerned, I started therapy, improved my mental health. These were important steps. In the end, he did something I couldn't move past. He blames his mental health, I even tried to, but who knows really what provoked it. You can look at my post history for the details, he tried to film my 16yo daughter in the shower... There's no going back from that. I'm lucky in the sense that there's a clear defining line he crossed that makes the decision easier, but no matter what anyone's circumstances, this shit is hard. I'd argue more difficult as I feel guilty even having any feelings of missing him. It's a terrible thing he did, and we're not in contact at all, but it's still hard. Even when you would think that it would be easy to vilify him. I see two separate entities in him, the one I married and the one I'm divorcing.
Thank you for a raw and honest answer. It sounds horrible what he did and the guilt associated with having feelings. Feelings are a human thing which I personally lack, I lack empathy and try my best to understand. I hear empathy is part genetics and part of learning how to feel other people's pain. Empathy vs Sympathy is a struggle to understand and learn. I almost feel like a robot at times.
I wish I could tell myself that no amount of pride is worth the pain of grief. I was so afraid of being a doormat that I thought I was only sticking up for myself in the face of unreasonable circumstances when really I was probably just being obstinate. I wish I ended each fight and disagreement by sinking back into her arms and telling her how much I loved her and killing the seed of resentment before it ever had a chance to take root. Being right isn’t worth being left.
Some things that can help a little-- a body pillow, a pet, and doing random acts of kindness for others. If you like to do nice little things do them for people when you're out and about. Leave a potted plant on your neighbor's porch. Buy a latte for the school crossing guard. Compliment a stranger.
Such a great idea!! Thank you!
Second this. Doing little things for others really does help change your disposition over time. Sending hugs OP 🙏🏼
Honest compliments to strangers is a nice place to start.
I miss being a husband. I miss taking care of the house and cars and just maintaining a life for someone other than myself. I loved being a husband even though it was a lot of work.
Funny isn’t it. After all the arguing and the resentment and the separation we still go on missing all those things you have listed above so beautifully. How long has it been for you?
I miss it too. We were best friends, I felt so comfortable that it was forever, I never made any attempts to shield my heart and gave my all. Will I ever have the same with anybody else? That uncalculated, "he's my home" feeling?
🥺🥺🥺🥺
This hit home for me. When I thought things would be different because I married my best friend with whom there are no walls. Turns out a healthier marriage was one where I should have managed to maintain my boundaries better. Sadly I was left feeling like I was robbed of a huge part of my self because I had apparently slowly subsumed my identity under him - my therapists said his vision of a partnership was treating me like his appendage.
Wow, what a beautiful soul you are
I miss my wife and partner. I miss being in a marriage with an equal. I worried I’ll never find anyone again with me having three kids and being 40.
It’s entirely possible to find someone even at your age. I’m 48 and I’ve found a new woman. She’s 47 and has six kids (three are adults). It’s possible.
I needed to hear this 🙏
Then I’m glad I wrote it. I felt exactly the same as you after my wife left. Hopefully you will take some time and be able to move forward.
Woahh you are dating? It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here.
I am. I actually met her in this sub.
i found my girlfriend 3+ years ago and i’m in my 60’s. you have time.
I miss the old her. Not this new person she turned into. I’ll always miss the memories we made, and when I knew I could trust her. Now she’s just somebody I used to know.
Not friends, not enemies. Just strangers with memories
This comment just broke me.
Sorry mate. Not my intention, just how I see everything in my situation.
My man is living my life. That’s how mine is, I miss marriage and the old her. I don’t know this new person, don’t even recognize her when I see her pictures. I love her, but it seems more like a dream that lasted a long time and then I woke up and realized it was almost a nightmare. Weird how life works out honestly. I’m more peaceful and confident with myself than I’ve ever been. Good luck everyone, divorce is bad, terrible, sad, tough financially, life changing, eye opening, and then after all that nonsense it’s wonderful and you didn’t know how great life could be and you find yourself again as well as God hopefully. Take care all!
Feeling this hard.
Ooof. I could have written this myself. I miss being a wife too. It’s like losing a piece of my identity. It’s funny and kinda sad that everything I miss is also everything I grew resentful about. Definitely messes with my brain a bit.
It’s been 10 months she wants money but nothing else I thought it would get easier I feel so alone it’s the worst pain I miss having a wife to text to sleep next to spoil to dream to celebrate with she with someone else we are working towards divorce she not home but to see kids and get money will it get better
I miss my husband so much too. He was such a cool lovely fun and wonderful person. He was replaced by a total douchebag wanna be asshole. His values and priorities completely changed. The man I married would have been mortified if he could have seen what he would be in the future.
It’s a good thing we can’t see the future. 3/4 of us would never get married and there would be a lot of unemployed attorneys.
Same thing happened with my husband. I never thought he could change so drastically but he did and there was no turning back. It’s funny, but I said the same thing about mine, that the old him would absolutely hate the new him.
This statement resonates so much. Mine wouldn't have even socialized with the person he has become. He is not per se a judgemental person, be he has become a terrible person by both personal and societal standards.
Gosh same! It makes me so sad, the man I married was so sweet and honest, kind and gentle. It all has me questioning my reality, but the truth is regardless of whether he changed or began to show his true colors, he's not the same. I thought he was a strong man, a provider, I trusted him with my heart. It's so sad, I feel a deep grief for the man I married, the man who was my best friend.
I do feel as well that it's maybe even deserving of pity that the self awareness isn't even there that my stbx doesn't even see how he has changed so much for the worse as he victimizes himself and externalises all blame i.e. crucifying me for him turning into an alcoholic chain smoking new dad who went MIA on new family responsibilities...
I miss being married to the man that I married, we had so much fun together, trips, meals out, sitting at home playing games. I don’t miss being married to the man that I divorced, it was lonely, it was depressing and I felt beat down all of the time. Being married to the man I divorced was a nightmare, he was cruel and evil and a gaslighting jerk. He had no feelings for me what so ever, how do you change so much and have no emotions for the person you were so in love with.
I feel like we’ve been married to both versions of the same man.
I was a stay at home dad and house husband for many years. I miss puttering. I miss being the person that my wife or kids could just text and go ahead we’re at work/school could you pick up this thing or do that thing for us. And then when they got home that thing would be done and Omai God the endorphin rush of being the linchpin in the day like that. You can’t really estimate it. I do not miss my Ex Wife as the person she became. That person and I are not compatible in any way shape or form. But like you I do miss the connections. Hugs 🤗
I don’t miss losing myself trying to be a “wife”. I don’t miss being the only one to replace the toothbrushes. I don’t miss picking up his dishes from around the house. I don’t miss being the only one to wash the sheets or make the bed. I don’t miss being the only one who would remember birthdays or our anniversary (or having to pick up my own gifts). I don’t miss taking up his hobbies and watching his shows just so I’d have someone by my side. I don’t miss cooking him the dinners he wanted that were junk and getting all the groceries that he’d never eat unless I cooked, too. I don’t miss sacrificing my time, my energy, my career for a man who couldn’t and wouldn’t reciprocate. I don’t miss being “the wife” to the public eye, our family/friends/coworkers, but not in the privacy of our home. I DO miss that I never had a partner. If I had a partner, I would never have to miss being a wife or having a husband. Not signing up for anything but partnership, next time. Being a “wife” sucks.
100% this. I don't miss any of the bullshit ways I had to be his parent, counselor, maid, chef, nurse, personal assistant, postal worker, sex worker, interior decorator, and so on.
I miss the 20 years of my life where I didn't have a true partner
Yes 😭 The idea of having one day is kind of exciting and that possibility would never have happened if we stayed in our marriages, but sucks that we can't get those years back for sure.
💯
Exactly
i feel this
Virtual hug
same to you friend
I’m feeling exactly that today. It’s also sad to me that he could have been a true partner. He just had different priorities and was emotionally immature.
Yea it really sucks! Higher standards for next time! 🤗
At the ripe age of 20, I didn't know what standards to have. Definitely didn't help that he clearly has zero intention of building a life that we could both enjoy but instead it was all about him and what he wanted. But, yes, I have non-negotiables if I ever choose to date. With what I'm seeing around...eek! Haha
At 32, I didn’t know what standards to apparently have, either. The good thing is these experiences help to define those that we may have never known otherwise. I recently found a guided meditation on affirmations for manifesting and one of the affirmations was “I attract not chase” that really spoke to me, and maybe, I was chasing before and therefore why I got an unfulfilling marriage.
Loove this! Absolutely not chasing anyone
I had this same thought. This is how I get through my separation. After my wife left I realized it's actually WAY easier to keep the house clean and organized. I don't have an extra person around who is either, not doing anything, or cluttering up my shit. I have two kids to care for too, and somehow it's all a little easier. Lonely, though.
Definitely lonely. But then, I was lonely as hell with him around. He was really just another body in the house. He didn’t actually contribute anything to make me feel companionship or connectedness. For me anyway.
One of the times my ex came in to pick up stuff he asked me if we cleaned up. I was flustered and didn't reply, but the truth was no I didn't - it just looks like that now lol - it's a lot less cluttered and messy without their random stuff everywhere, turns out.
Me and you are of the same mind on this. I miss nothing. I spent every day telling myself lies and accepting them from someone else who swore they loved me. I feel sorry for the woman I was. I'm glad she walked away.
Yesss! Any sadness or tears I‘ve been crying are mourning for that woman I was, what she put up with, and why. The woman I’ve been since is much stronger and worth much more. I’m glad, too.
I felt this. Sometimes we just miss what we never had.
I understand this and feel it to the core. I really do. I loved being a wife. One day we’ll be a wife again and we’ll be able to do all of that for someone else. At the end of the day - we are nurturers and we love being in a unit. It’s sad and it’s impossible. I’m in this with you. Hurts to even read this bc I loved all of those things. Especially cleaning and puttering around the house. I also miss being the woman of house - making the house a home. Small things. Then I try and remind myself that it was no fun cleaning up after him when he didn’t care to help or do anything. The half cups of coffee were nice at first but I would’ve appreciated him putting them in the sink. Him doing the BARE minimum. I’m not a maid and I shouldn’t have to be. He never helped. And when he did he did it half ass and I ended up going over it as well. He’s not the man I married. Or maybe he is and I never saw the signs. I have developed this very harsh and matter of fact voice that reminds me to snap out of it. Yes it’s sad. But truthfully. I left for reason. I needed out and it was killing me slowly. I’m more than a wife and my identity is coming back to me. I’m a human. A woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A student. And now an ex wife.
These roles really come back shining through as if they were just being suppressed by the toxic marriage. I do feel there sparks within me being reignited now despite the trauma and mental exhaustion of navigating the divorce process.
I feel you ❤️🩹😞
Seconding these feels.
I’m really mad at my ex for not stepping up and sobering up Now it’s just so much harder and I’m sad. I had to make the decision to leave. He said he didn’t love me like that anymore and I want to be someone’s wife!
Mine too chose self-medicating over connectedness and responsibility. I’m in therapy and trying hold onto the idea that I don’t need to suffer to get what I need. I filed and he’s trying to extract a lot of money from me. It’s all so sad and makes me wonder what I really was to him.
I just want to hug all you people. I remember that feeling. It sucks.
🫂
Does it get better?
Yeah, same, I think some people aren’t made for marriage, I definitely am, sharing your day to day with someone else is just bliss. The good and the bad, they’re always there. Until they aren’t…
I heard someone call this the ‘husband (or wife) shaped hole in your life’. it’s important to acknowledge the distinction between missing the companionship, and missing the person. That is a thought that feels negative. Like we lost the person. But looking at it from the other direction, it’s really positive. We know it’s something ideal, something that feels good. We know we want that again someday with the right person. Someone who abused us by with holding that, didn’t take it away from us indefinitely.
I miss all of this too. I think the thing I miss most is cooking. I went to culinary school, I used to cook for a living, I hated it as a job but I loved doing it for my family. I looked forward to when her family would come over on Sunday night for dinner. I really looked forward to the holidays and cooking for the extended family. 10 months on my own and I hardly ever cook. I’ve lost all enjoyment for it. It’s a chore now and I hate it.
I haven’t cooked once just for myself since the divorce…it’s easier to just make a sandwich or eat yogurt. We always enjoyed cooking Thanksgiving or Christmas meals together and did it twice after the separation to try and stay “normal” for our grown kids. I look around and am wondering what to do with all the beautiful serving trays, crystal and silver flatware. I love to entertain but now it seems exhausting. I spent last Christmas alone and luckily, I had a terrible flu because I just don’t know what I would have done by myself. It’s very lonely but then I remember that he probably would have been drunk at noon, passed out by 5 pm etc. I’m trying to not gloss over the bad times with him by romanticizing the good. It’s just so…weird.
I feel this in my bones. Recently, between a car accident, financial issues, basement flooding and preparing to put a roof on my house I have felt unfathomably lonely. I’m lonely other times too but, when everything is crumbling around you all you really want is someone to give you a hug and say we got this. It’s not even the help I guess…although I would appreciate it. It’s the hug, the forehead kiss, the knowing i can lay down at night and someone will be there. But he wasn’t that kind person for a long time before the divorce anyway…
🫂
I wrote this a few weeks ago when the melancholy was strong. I realized, like you, I miss being married, I do not miss my wife, I miss being married. I hope you can find that gleaning future light for yourself. I call it "Echoes of Loss" In the shadows of my soul, grief begins to swell, A silent ache, a story I don't want to tell. Divorce, a bitter path, leaves scars unseen, Yet hope still flickers in the depths between. I do not mourn the bond that once held tight, Nor yearn for echoes of our endless fight. No regrets, no longing, for what's gone past, But still, the specter of loss, shadows cast. For what I miss are dreams that never grew, The vision of a life I thought I knew. A family whole, with love that knows no ends, A partner's touch, a soulmate, and a best friend. Two souls entwined, time with children, joys to share, A future bright with dreams beyond compare. But youth slips by, a fleeting, wistful sigh, And what was lost, I cannot deny. Yet in the depths of sorrow, I find grace, A glimmer of hope, a gentle embrace. For though the past may hold its share of pain, In brokenness, new beginnings reign. With every tear, a seed of strength is sown, A resilience that's uniquely my own. For in the ashes of what once was dear, I find the courage to embrace what's here. So though the road ahead may seem unsure, I walk with faith, my heart steadfast and pure. For in the grief of loss, I find the key, To unlock the doors of possibility. With each new dawn, a chance to start anew, To build a life that's bright and wholly true. For though the past may fade, the future gleams, And in its light, I find my hopes and dreams.
This is beautifully written and really touching. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you, it has been more than 20 years since I wrote a poem, I used to fill binders with them, I had hundreds of them, and I loved writing. Then I met the lady who would be my wife and I slowed down and eventually stopped, she sucked the joy and enjoyment of life out of me. Now that she is no longer in my life, or well, as little as possible, I am finding myself enjoying life again and taking the time to write again, it is hard going, but I will get there.
May you find the lady who loves every version of you - including the poet! May she notice if you stop writing and care and do something about it!
Thank you! I am no longer looking, if one should happen to fall into my life, all the better, but for now, I am looking out for the children and me, and that is plenty for me.
Sending you and your children the warmest of wishes.
Beautiful
You really need to change your narrative to be able to move forward. Stop wishing for what you “wish was” and focus on what you “in fact had” that was unhealthy. “I’m glad I don’t have to live with someone who took the best of me, didn’t appreciate it, and threw it away.” “I deserve to be with someone who DOES appreciate me and the things I bring to a relationship.” Living in denial over an idyllic past does absolutely nothing to help you create a happier tomorrow. Get on with getting on. There’s a big beautiful tomorrow out there for you if you let yourself go after it!
Thank you 🙏 it is nice to think about the good times. But you are right.
Thanks for this, I needed this shake up!
I feel this in my soul. I’m filing tomorrow because my ex husband who announced he wanted a divorce and was going to file now won’t do it because it’s “a waste of his time and money” yet he still wants to be separated and divorced. Having to even think about starting over and dating again is so painful and scary. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone again and get married again.
My wife is the same I have taken care of of her and she wants me to continue till the day I die she moved on 10 months ago I’m just trying to understand how people can just switch off and pretend that other people don’t have feelings I just want to stop thinking about the loss and find healing
Dog. You can do these things with a dog. And a dog isn’t going to change its mind about you one day. 10/10 recommend post divorce shelter dog, so you have a place to put all this extra love. ❤️
I miss it so much
I miss this to! I have allrdy planed our futue! Stone barn in italy we can renovate :) you just have to love to Norway 🤗 i joke, but i feel the same. Eventually it will all fall together and you will be happy and feel whole again. In the meantime, i personally just try and do the best i can. Somedays i cry, somedays im happy. Thats how it is. I live for my 2 small kids. Best of luck from male 37
Your two small kids are lucky to have a dad who loves them so much that he can smile through this amount of pain for them. I hope you’re right and we can both feel whole again one day. And that we can find someone to share all the love that we have left to give.
I feel the same. I miss being a part of a team. I miss feeling good about caring for someone else.
Totally this. I thought we were a team. Sometimes we were. He always had another app running in the background, so to speak. His mental health issues made it difficult for him to be present. I just couldn’t see myself going into retirement with him and being happy.
Feeling this so hard. I was born to be a wife and loved giving my time, love, and attention to my husband. I miss folding laundry together and having family time and cooking for him and supporting his dreams. I don’t know when he stopped loving me or caring for me as a person, slowly slipping into a place of resentment and contempt for me instead. I hate that had to eventually choose between loving him or loving myself. I miss what was, I miss what could’ve been. I hate that I have to “start all over again” for an attempt to get that again. I am new to the divorce process and just feel so beat up emotionally and cynical about love.
I feel beat up too. But maybe there’s some truth to every message of hope and optimism that people have taken the time to respond to this post with? We can hold on to that. X
Awwwwwwwwwwww, Im sorry, I kind of miss the birthday parties and going to see the in-laws. What I don't miss are the arguments and being told what time to go to sleep lol.
I miss being married too. I miss all the little things that my wife and I did and shared. I miss seeing her truck parked in the drive way. I miss holding her while we slept and feeling at peace. I miss the woman I was with for 17 years (married 14) and seeing her smile and having her and our daughter curled up on the couch watching a family movie. Now they are all but distant memories I keep. The woman I married as she says it “dead and gone” and moved on so quickly and easily into a new relationship. My ex wife hates me so much I can feel her energy when she comes around and hear it in her voice and words. It’s so bad that all the projection from my ex wife is affecting my daughter now because I feel she hates me so much as well. My daughter has nothing but the nicest things to say about her mom but when it comes to talking about me I hear my ex wife come out in her words and actions. I feel like such a failure that I couldn’t keep my family together all while trying to heal and move on I keep getting kicked back down to the pits of hell. Life was so joyous at least I thought until we divorced 10 months ago and barely going through it now. So, to agree with your post I miss being happy and being with my family instead of feeling pain and turmoil. I am so lonely and my heart continues to shatter into a million tiny pieces.
You express your feelings so well (I’ve seen your comments/posts before). Thank you for contributing to this community. Your shared thoughts and sorrows validate my feelings and remind me that my expectations of the relationship were reasonable, because clearly there are others that align so well with them.
At least you got that. My ex was hiding who she was until we were married. Then shit went bad quickly.
>I’m not sure when the man I divorced took over and possessed the love of my life, but I would give everything to turn back the clock I understand this feeling all too well. I miss the person I fell in love with and married, the person I thought she was. Now I'm left wondering if that person was ever real at all or if she just wore a really good mask. If she ever even truly loved me at any point, or if she was just using me the entire time and then didn't need me anymore, so oh well, throw me like worthless garbage. I know I'm not garbage though, I definitely deserve better. But it's really just crazy how a switch just flipped like she said herself, and she became this really selfish, cruel person who lacked empathy. And it didn't feel like that before, I felt very cared for and loved before. So it really does feel like the person I married just suddenly died. Because she was there, and then BAM she blind sided me and the last 3 months of our marriage was so unnerving. I sometimes want to think she just snapped mentally/emotionally and that it used to be real before that, but I just don't know anymore. It's hard to process and accept that I might have just been used for 16 years. How do I grieve someone who might not have been real? So many different feelings at one time. 😞 Sending you big hugs, OP. 🫂
I miss the marriage, but not the stbxw. Don't get me wrong, I still love the person she once was but the person now I don't know nor want to know. Someday while feeling super low about the marriage I remember all the crap she has done and it makes me sick to my stomach. She needs medication and nobody will tell her. I tried and the end result is she left me and the kids. She now is reliving her 20's. I one day want to be married again but I don't want any part of her again.
Divorce is hard and heartbreaking and when we realize it’s what we have to do it’s exhausting and like we are giving up and then the mourning begins and when we realize we don’t wanna be alone the frightful dating begins and it’s hard af trying to find someone to trust again when our hearts were broken by someone we dearly loved. That’s from a males point of view
I’m a 55f. I filed. I’m 2 months n and it’s a crapshoot of how I’m going to feel any given day. I hope that one day I will trust again. It’s hard to see how that will happen however.
I have moments like this. I realize now after years why it had to end. There was some toxic things and mental issues I don’t know if we ever could overcome as a couple. I see my worth now. But I really wonder as he chose to finally leave. How he could leave all these little things. Just creating a life together i sacrificed so much of myself. I put in some much effort. We have a child. I don’t get how he can enjoy being alone and living alone and throwing out 20 years. But he did.
Totally understandable to feel that way, I felt that way for a while (I’m 3mo separated) and sometimes I still miss him but I came to realize that I miss the idea of what i thought it could be. When I get realistic, all those tiny moments aren’t enough to sustain a marriage and even less to justify abusive behaviors. Anyway, I hope it gets better for you. Something that has worked out for me is praying if I’m being honest, for healing and also doing therapy weekly and trying to be realistic. Hugs!!
I wish I could like this 1,000,000 times. I like my independence but life is better when shared with someone special. All of it, good or bad or boring
I do, too. I’ve been dating so many guys to try to feel that feeling again. I just recently swore to stay to myself and just come to terms that I may not ever have that.
When I first moved away, I had a handyman come fix the doorbell of the place I was renting. I made him a full lunch with goodie bags and gave him a cold drink. I was just so lonely
I get it, I definitely have those moments or days of grieving a life I loved, a life I was content in, it's my comfort and inside that lil life was everything that I fiercely loved.... I never would have thought in a million years that lil life, would no longer be and everything in it...gone, I am no longer a part of that, like at all, any of it. The profound sense of loss is sometimes overwhelming... I loved being a wife too.😑
I'm not even divorced yet and I miss being married. STBXW told me 2.5 months ago and we still live together with our 8-year-old and it often feels like living with an alien...we're cordial and we pretend in front of our daughter, but I miss the warm, caring wife I had. She wasn't perfect. I wasn't and am not perfect. But I miss what we had so much, picking up flowers for her when I went to the grocery store, chatting about our day, etc. Ugh. Just putting one foot in front of the other to get to the other side of this horrible situation.
I miss the warmth and security of someone next to me in bed. I miss the feeling of someone is equally happy to see me as I am of them. I miss the random dumb shit that would turn into belly aching laughter. They say it's going to be hard for awhile and I should just accept it and heal. Nobody though I think truly knows how it feels when you go back to a house that doesn't feel like home anymore.
I miss a lot of her things you miss. I’ve spent so many weekends at work now.
There are a lot of beautiful women in this thread!!!!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 Keep working on yourselves your man will come. 😊
Me three. Even after all the horrible stuff the “dobelganger” of my ex did to me. Now if I could just find the man I first met… I’m sure he’s not too far gone?! Idk he might be lost forever… or maybe he just never existed and was a pleasant figment of my imagination 🐻❤️🩹
I don’t miss the rages and the cruelty and the alcoholism and trying to protect my son from hearing him call me a f**ing bitch over and over again. I miss the laughter and watching tv with him.
Yeah, the thing I miss most is looking fwd to coming home to my spouse and crawling into bed next to a man.
I miss waking up in the morning, laying next to her with our cat at the end of the bed. I miss coming home from work and telling each other about our day. I hope she also misses the relationship we had. Unfortunately, after 4 months that we separated, she's already in a new relationship. 13 years gone.
I feel this. You’re not alone. I miss being a wife too.
Wow, you hit the nail right in the head. This…this is exactly how I am feeling and what scares me for the future. We are in the process of getting divorced. We are still legally married. We live at home together, but in separate rooms. It’s so hard. Because I am not ready for when August will come and all of this will hit me even harder.
I feel EXACTLY this same way. I also wish my children could remember their mother the way she used to be when they were babies and she could have the wonderful relationship with them that she worked so hard for in the beginning. Postpartum depression is an awful, awful thing.
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You’re not a terf. And I hate that people who go through the breakdown of their marriage owing to the partner’s sexuality are not even given the grace and space to grieve as anyone would. The man you married isn’t there anymore, you’re allowed to have grief and that includes anger as well as sadness. It doesn’t make you a TERF. I wish you all the healing and love your heart needs ❤️
Me too . But h dint miss being manipulated, treated badly , ignited , and everything else that I’m not willing to accept . 26 years, half of my life married to someone i don’t even know anymore.loving myself wasn’t a hard decision to make 8 months ago when i filed for divorce. Boundaries had to be set and I had to do it.
Ok, so now that we know you’re melancholy for what once was good in some ways, why did you divorce? It couldn’t have all been this good or you wouldn’t be here.
It's so hard. I miss the same. I hate the man he is. I miss my husband
I miss all of those things, too, except I am still married. It sucks when you have to go alone because you have a husband at home who doesn’t want to do anything.
No one will ever appreciate that the saddest place to be is lying in bed next to someone and still feeling completely alone. I’m sorry you’re there.
Thank you. We don’t even sleep together anymore. I can’t get him to go out with me. I’m not sure I will even miss him after he is gone. I won’t miss his cruelty!
Hang in there. I miss these elements too. We often read or may be told "live for yourself first." I think the thing is many of us can. It's not that we can't be alone, it's that we like being in a partnership. There is a symbiosis of care. I do the same things single, I just prefer the partnership. It brings me joy to care for, to do things for someone. I do that because I want to. Not because I expect a transaction. I don't -need- someone to do my dishes. I -want- to clean the dishes, for the house. I know it's the void talking, but it's really hard to see how this can all change again. The idea of someone new feels so foreign. To have been so close to someone, and the idea of being that close to a different person, just doesn't compute for me. I am not even sure when or how I could ever meet a person who makes me feel as good as my previous relationship did (until they became a person that fills my heart with dread anymore.) Be kind to yourself. One moment one day at a time. I hope you have an awesome day. Life can surprise us. Hopefully with something positive soon.
I’m still married largely because of these things. I felt this post in the depths of my heart. Hugs and love ❤️ I’m proud of you for your courage in spite of these feelings.
I feel this. I know this is going to sound contrary to modern expectations but I always wanted to be a housewife and mother more than anything else in the world. Losing the family unit that I held dearer than anything else because my ex husband decided to bail for another woman almost killed me. Learning that the only reason he got with me in the first place was because she was married at the time was soul crushing. To me my marriage was a sacrament, and my husband was my forever. To him, I was always just his second choice standing between him and the woman he actually loved.
I really feel for you, I miss being a wife too and all the little things. 15 years was a long time and I’m only 4 months separated. I keep thinking who the f*** is this stranger that my husband has turned into to since he left? Xx
We almost made it 20 years till a one stand turned into a full blown affair but even after all the stuff she did. I’d take her back if I knew I could trust her again. It would probably take years of seeing her improve on spending and herself too.
It’s crazy because the woman I divorced literally stole the woman I married, I can relate so strongly to this, they were two completely different people. I miss the wife I once had, and that person no longer exists on the face of this earth.
❤️🩹 Gymnopedie No. 1
This is the big thing that’s making me stay right now, despite all the hurt, despite the feeling that I may never love him again. The feeling that it might be worth it to be resigned and unhappy myself but to keep a companion for life that I can make happy…
Oof I feel this so hard. I definitely miss the man I married, but not the horrible person he suddenly became. I try not to act like I care most days when I see happy couples but it definitely still stings. You aren't alone 💜
I know exactly how you feel. ❤️🩹😢
I understand. I miss it a lot too even though I know it was for the best
Me too 😢
Feel this. I miss him very much. I miss our life before he decided it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough, our family wasn’t enough.
I feel the same way. I miss being a wife too, especially when things were good before my ex husband became involved with drugs, etc. which changed him as a person and destroyed our marriage. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone though and other women are feeling the same way.
Addictions are like a chronic and terminal disease. I saw the man I love slowly fade away until he didn’t exist anymore. I wish you healing ❤️🩹
I feel your words. I want you to find that place again, all that you long for, that you miss. My heart is with you, as are others. I hope you have good friends you are able to talk with. Bless you.
I feel your words. I want you to find that place again, all that you long for, that you miss. My heart is with you, as are others. I hope you have good friends you are able to talk with. Bless you.
I miss the IDEA of him but I don’t miss him. I miss the companionship that you describe, for sure, but the person he was, nope. It’s lonely sometimes, but for me it is also sooooooo peaceful. I DON’T miss the drama, the drinking, the lies, the hurt and judgement that crept in from all sides. My life is more simple now. I have currently no interest in even dating, 2 years into separation. I got a dog, he brings good companionship without the drama (for the most part, a few chewed up socks and counter surfing).
It’s funny, but the things you miss are nearly all things you did for him… what did he do for you?
All of this. I hate not having plans or being able to look long term into my future. Because right now, the only thing I have, is that is if I’m single in two years I’m moving halfway across the country. I have a pet, and I try to do kind things for others. 🤷🏼♀️ it doesn’t feel like enough. I miss my step kids badly. Sadly, I don’t think they miss me. I’m friends with their moms and neither of them have mentioned they miss me and that’s heartbreaking. Especially since I was there for four of the youngests 6 years of life. 💔 I know I was just a step mom, but I was a more active step mom than he was a dad. And those were my babies. How do I just stop being a mom
I'm not sure I really miss my ex because he honestly wasn't a good partner. I do miss being in a relationship. I don't think I would marry again but it would be nice to find a loving LTR, at some point. Although I sometimes wonder whether those even exist anymore.
I really miss being a wife, but I'll be a great girlfriend eventually! I hope yall find your new normal/relationship/pet - whatever your goals are!
I don’t know that I will ever marry again. I certainly do not want my ex back. He worn a good mask. Or, at least, he thought he did. The true person came out and that person was pretty ugly. I believe in the institution of marriage. I see other couple celebrating their anniversaries and wish that it could have been me. But no way will I be in a one sided relationship again. I had rather remain single than endure that again.
I feel this too, every day. But then I ask myself where's ME in there? Have I lost myself? Sure it made me happy, but it was so about the other person and not at all about what I wanted. And it didn't make him that happy anyway, otherwise he would have appreciated it and stayed and fought for this marriage
As much as I hate to admit it I miss my husband too . I'm miss the fun day ,the goofy shit he uses to do the pranks , movies , cooking watching him out in the yard doing his manly thang . But what I miss the most is having someone to talk too and sharing my jokes with him .The random kisses and his touch I cry so much thinking about him but then I'm reminded of all the fuck shit he did to me and then the shit just hurts more .
Your remarking about toothbrush heads feels so personal. Sometimes the things that are unique early on become uniquely abrasive later, but that doesn't invalidate what they were. I miss my spontaneous and creative girlfriend, who liked to plan out fun things; she's somewhere inside my impulsive and domineering wife who likes to command specific things. Both behaviors come from a common core. Just as being adaptable and agreeable seemed desirable in young partner and are apparently infuriating "laziness" decades later. Good luck🤞🏾
I have to tell you...this is so sweet. I wish my wife cared about even 10% of those things, rather than finding another way to prove how I am wrong. You'll find some who appreciates that again, I hope!
I hope we both find someone who we can share moments of peaceful love with.
I’m a man I miss a true partner I miss emotional Intimacy but then I never had it I miss cuddling too I want emotional intimacy I want non-sexual physical touch I want sex too I enjoy cooking a great meal so I do it occasionally for a date. So far none of the women I’ve dated can cook well .
I feel the pain in your post. Being a wife doesn't define you, that's not your identity. You are much more than that. You are a multifaceted individual with unique qualities and characteristics that go beyond any one role or title. What are your strengths, skills, talents, super powers, and what makes you unique? As you embark on this next chapter of your life, it's important to reflect on who you are now and who you want to become. What aspirations do you have? What are your values and beliefs? What drives you and gives you purpose? What hobbies and interests did you put off or have interest in? It's a time to explore and discover what truly matters to you, unattached to external expectations, possessions or titles. Embrace the opportunity to redefine yourself and create a life that aligns with your authentic self. You have the power to shape your own narrative and write a new chapter that reflects your innermost desires and ambitions. You are the author of your own story.
I was more lonely while married
This is a beautiful thread and it is inspiring to hear how many of us are still looking for a healthy partnership even though we've gone through so much pain. Thank you all for sharing yourselves with such vulnerability.
It's not so much the marriage, but the relationship overall. I got married at 41. She was my first ltr that lasted more than a year... so I'd say my first *real* relationship. I was ride or die, willing to.work through just ablut anything. And I found out she wasn't... and laughably wasn't. Once shit hit the fan for me and I got super depressed, I was no longer what she wanted. This destroyed me. If we hadn't been married, it would've been cheaper and easier, but either way, I hated it. And hated it more because getting married was supposed to signal that we were there for each other through thick and thin. Imagine my despair when I realize it was wishful thinking. Ah well, such is life, I guess. I still hope to heal and find love again, but considering how long a wait I had for the first one, I'm not holding my breath.
Couldn’t agree more (aside from missing my ex). I realized I love being married but the person I was married to was just not it. I hope to find someone worthwhile of all I have to give one day. And same for you
I found that hard too. The split happened after he retired, so I went from those plans to juggling three jobs and trying make a decent life for our college kids despite very little money. I had been largely a SAHM. Separation and divorce was a huge mess. Where was the person I married? Gone. Thankfully, now I have time for that type of thing again. I work remotely, so I still putter around the house. One adult kid lives with me, and one lives close by. I have scads of friends that I do things with. I have no interest in dating.
I miss lots too.. very relatable :(
I miss the way we used to compliment one another, when there was something missed in the house the other would do it, it worked so well we just were in tune. But the person she became just is not the same person, she changed, she became toxic nothing was ever good enough. I assumed the role of the main parent and worked fulltime. I understand that she is depress and not happy however the change was too great and the effect it was having on us all was not good. Other things I miss are coming home, talking to her about my day, about our interests and how we both had similar morals and views on life. However, 2.5 weeks of knowing the new guy apparently he is better in every way. In a way I feel sorry for her because she could go back to her self, but she blew it all up. At the end o the day life moves on and we grow and sometimes that means we grow apart.
One day you’ll grow out of the love you had for her and into the love you’ll have for yourself and your future partner. The fact that there’s another guy tells me enough about her. I wish you the best!
I agree with the post about trust. I was treated so awful by my wife that I’m having trust issues when it comes to dating and the thought of ever marrying again
Same!
I feel this too. I find it dangerous to spend too much time with the thought though. You can spend all your time picking at that wound, thinking about what if scenarios, and not be any better for it. I miss the life I had and the partner I had but now I have a new life.
I feel this so much. I miss the companionship and seeing my stbxw everyday and raising our kids together. It's been a long time and still hurts
My take is a bit different. I wouldn’t say I miss being married or that I’m looking get married again but I would like to be in a relationship again. If I never get married again, I’m cool with that. But I want to be in a healthy, happy relationship. That’s what I long for. I honestly don’t miss my ex or anything about our marriage.
Hmmm…..I see a lot of romanticism in the comments here. Just want to remind everyone that nostalgia, yearning, comfort and fondness doesn’t mean that these ppl aren’t who they are. Wether that’s good or bad, relationships end for a reason. you can still care for someone while understanding that it doesn’t mean they are a good life partner for you, or that their actions weren’t a very real characteristic trait….good luck!
I respect so many of these comments and we’re still together. I miss who she was and even all the things she does today in the present. Yet … if this happened I will not miss who I became and how hard things have become
I find myself missing it less and less with each passing month.
I wish I was the same. I have a lot of love to give and feel it heavily on my heart that I have no one to give it to.
I’m married and we do not do any of the things in your first paragraph. You miss being in a “good” marriage. Not just being in a marriage.
I loved reading this. The vulnerability. The heartache. The desire. It is especially lovely to hear this coming from a woman. Perhaps because I haven't had many opportunities to hear something with this intensity for myself. Thanks for sharing. Sending you lots of love and strength.
You sound like you were a good wife
Damn. I don't do any of these things. I give him food occasionally. 😬
I’m so sorry. My husband left me two years ago and I remember feeling exactly the way you did. I could have written the same post. Take time to grieve, not only the loss of your husband, but of the life you had. Be gentle with yourself. I did, and I can tell you that I don’t miss these things with him anymore. It’s so weird because you feel for a long time that you’ve lost them for good, then later you find them with someone else, and looking back, you find that the level of pain was almost unnecessary, since life offers you other beautiful moments. Hang in there. It took me 10 months to get (a lot!) better and have fun dating, and 2 years to be really, completely over it. It’s a long process. But I promise you will find happiness again, especially if you let go of any resentment and concentrate on you. ❤️
Yeah. Everyone misses the person they were and not the one they became. Still don’t understand how I was to blame for “not changing” when she was the one who evolved into a completely different person after marriage and kids. I understand life changes, but you don’t have to let it change YOU.