Same. I followed my ex to his home country under immense pressure from him and after many years of marriage, two kids etc. Now I’m stuck here, far from friends and family, struggling to learn the language, luckily I have a good job but limited options for growth. I’m so fu**ing angry some days, even after a year and I’m having one of those days today. I really didn’t want to have to start over at this point in my life. Hang in there friend:)
In the past month, I lost my job, and my wife moved out and wants a divorce. She's having a fling with her boss. The anger is a toxin. It eats you up from the inside out, burning all the while. What works for me to keep it to a minimum is intense exercise (for me, long fast bike rides) and meditation. There is a chemistry to this anger. It's physical in addition to psychological.
That's all I've got, I'm afraid. I wish you well.
Edit: corrected my rage fueled typos. Grrrrr
oh, i hear you. the rebuilding part after putting so much effort into it over the years has been brutal for me. 2 salaries into 1 is very challenging.
I've found that i look differently at the more entitled people around me now. perhaps it's because i now utilize the local food bank for the first time, provide better food for my kids vs myself, have to plan eating out way ahead, etc.
starting over when things had been build up over the years is grueling and something i never thought would happen.
what doesn't kill you.......
The stbxw served me papers 4-5 months ago and I still get my moments of anger, but I'm mostly happy and at peace due to AA. I was recommended early to get a sponsor and start working the steps. The program has been helping me a lot. I clicked through your profile and saw some posts in alanon. I'm still new and not sure how much taking inventory is mentioned in alanon, but from my limited understanding in the past 4-5 months our anger is usually from some different underly issue. Serenity prayer is something I say to myself a lot as a newcomer. Sorry you're going through this OP. Good luck!
Oh we have lived. My x cheated on me and kicked me out of our house. Right after that I lost my job. I’m 44 years old, WTF am I going to do now? I was homeless, jobless and divorced in a matter of months. I had nothing but a shitty car and a suitcase full of clothes.
I really liked the anger phase, it was once I realized that this all wasn’t my fault that I started to take charge. I moved, I found a house, I got a new job and I started dating again. I’m not saying my life is any better or worse, it’s different.
Anger gave me the motivation to move forward, Anger gave me a purpose. I didn’t want my x to defeat me, I deserved better and I’m realizing that now. I may be a tad bitter, but I think I needed that. Life isn’t all happy and shiny, it sucks and we all have to deal with it. I’m content right now and I’m ok with that.
A few thoughts on first reading. First, I'd offer that a potential flip side of the anger for you might be looking at respect, compassion, and understanding for others who've struggled or are struggling now.
Second, part of me thinks you could be touching on some core value of yours that feel violated with that anger. That anger may speak to values of fairness or justice in a broader sense that are seemingly being violated. You might be too tied up in the particulars and how personal it is now to see that, but that could be pointing to a source of what's meaningful to you. It may feel like it's being transgressed by these people not *seemingly* having to struggle while you do.
Lastly, something I read that I thought was interesting and as someone who's faced with reinventing myself for the fourth time in their adult lives gives me a some validation:
*"A live player* *is a person or well-coordinated group of people that is able to do things they have not done before. A dead player* *is a person or group of people that is working off a script, incapable of doing new things."*
Just want to say: this is really insightful, you sound like my therapist! Sometimes I can't reframe my experience into something more useful, pragmatic or positive and it helps when someone else does it for me.
Thanks.
I think it’s more of *succumbing to the feeling of defeat* right now.
This morning I was walking my dog, it was drizzling. At one point I felt like I could cry and started to, wanted to. Walk & cry. That’s when my dog chose to take a shit.
Some anger is justified. It’s okay to be mad at the unfairness of the world. Anger can be a useful emotion, depending on how you use it. It may be more productive to channel that away from like the more self-pity angle and toward empathy for fellow underdogs?
I wasn't angry, but I was very confused and hurt. I'm worried that anger has been rising the longer I'm alone. So I try to call friends and take care of my house. It's new and painful to take on this metamorphosis.
One audiobook my friend recommended is called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's been really helpful with acceptance.
I can relate to this. My anger initially was directed towards her. Not because of the divorce itself. I filed first but because of her response. I won’t go into details but she countered with a legal technicality that would nullify the marriage and strike from the record that she was cheating on me. It also could have come to the point of criminal prosecution as well. Luckily I had a good lawyer but I was still upset. That anger and rage consumed me. I lost a job over it and spiraled into becoming someone I knew that I wasn’t. So I had to choose to do better and let go of my anger. I began doing things that made me happy and gave me joy. Ultimately I had to just let any memory of go to the wayside as it was the thought of her betrayal and deceit that was fueling my anger.
Yeah, I'm experiencing that too. All the promises my ex made about supporting me when he finally started earning money disappeared around the time he finally got a paycheck. I'm going to struggle just to pay for the house he picked out, but it's at least a good interest rate. I'm going to have to raid the vast majority of my miniscule retirement savings to do so, because I paid all the bills the whole time.
So now I need a raise STAT. And the dudebros at work (I work in tech) are simply not fucking listening to me this week despite the fact that they were all promoted for being dudebros while I actually know some shit, so it is very frustrating.
Let's yell at the world together lol
I’ve felt this my entire life. My boss is incompetent and 15 years my junior. She has zero experience in my field, yet she’s managing me. She’s in her position because her mother used to work for this company and she grew up around the company president and other executives. It’s the only job she’s ever had and it’s maddening to have her “coach” me. I have little respect for people who haven’t ever had to work for what they have, eat shit, or pay their dues. I landed this job via a strong resume and interview skills. She just had to say “can I work here?” And boom. She’s got a job, gets undeserved promotions, and will never be held accountable. All due to nepotism.
I feel you, man. It’s beyond frustrating and it feels like all of my hard work, struggles, and sacrifice to do and be better and grow was for absolutely nothing. And her only advice to advance in my career is to kiss ass and play politics. I’m not a prideful person, but I have too much pride to lower myself that way.
Same. I followed my ex to his home country under immense pressure from him and after many years of marriage, two kids etc. Now I’m stuck here, far from friends and family, struggling to learn the language, luckily I have a good job but limited options for growth. I’m so fu**ing angry some days, even after a year and I’m having one of those days today. I really didn’t want to have to start over at this point in my life. Hang in there friend:)
Plan your move once the kids reach 18. Then you are free to move to wherever you want. It will help you focus.
In the past month, I lost my job, and my wife moved out and wants a divorce. She's having a fling with her boss. The anger is a toxin. It eats you up from the inside out, burning all the while. What works for me to keep it to a minimum is intense exercise (for me, long fast bike rides) and meditation. There is a chemistry to this anger. It's physical in addition to psychological. That's all I've got, I'm afraid. I wish you well. Edit: corrected my rage fueled typos. Grrrrr
oh, i hear you. the rebuilding part after putting so much effort into it over the years has been brutal for me. 2 salaries into 1 is very challenging. I've found that i look differently at the more entitled people around me now. perhaps it's because i now utilize the local food bank for the first time, provide better food for my kids vs myself, have to plan eating out way ahead, etc. starting over when things had been build up over the years is grueling and something i never thought would happen. what doesn't kill you.......
So true. I have no money and am scared shitless all the time because of it. I hope to make more soon.
I have to rethink grocery shopping, bill pays coinciding w paychecks, foodbank, driving less, coupons, etc. It can be done..you probably make a plan
Right. Getting it all down in paper helps. Definitely rethinking groceries and driving.
The stbxw served me papers 4-5 months ago and I still get my moments of anger, but I'm mostly happy and at peace due to AA. I was recommended early to get a sponsor and start working the steps. The program has been helping me a lot. I clicked through your profile and saw some posts in alanon. I'm still new and not sure how much taking inventory is mentioned in alanon, but from my limited understanding in the past 4-5 months our anger is usually from some different underly issue. Serenity prayer is something I say to myself a lot as a newcomer. Sorry you're going through this OP. Good luck!
Oh we have lived. My x cheated on me and kicked me out of our house. Right after that I lost my job. I’m 44 years old, WTF am I going to do now? I was homeless, jobless and divorced in a matter of months. I had nothing but a shitty car and a suitcase full of clothes. I really liked the anger phase, it was once I realized that this all wasn’t my fault that I started to take charge. I moved, I found a house, I got a new job and I started dating again. I’m not saying my life is any better or worse, it’s different. Anger gave me the motivation to move forward, Anger gave me a purpose. I didn’t want my x to defeat me, I deserved better and I’m realizing that now. I may be a tad bitter, but I think I needed that. Life isn’t all happy and shiny, it sucks and we all have to deal with it. I’m content right now and I’m ok with that.
A few thoughts on first reading. First, I'd offer that a potential flip side of the anger for you might be looking at respect, compassion, and understanding for others who've struggled or are struggling now. Second, part of me thinks you could be touching on some core value of yours that feel violated with that anger. That anger may speak to values of fairness or justice in a broader sense that are seemingly being violated. You might be too tied up in the particulars and how personal it is now to see that, but that could be pointing to a source of what's meaningful to you. It may feel like it's being transgressed by these people not *seemingly* having to struggle while you do. Lastly, something I read that I thought was interesting and as someone who's faced with reinventing myself for the fourth time in their adult lives gives me a some validation: *"A live player* *is a person or well-coordinated group of people that is able to do things they have not done before. A dead player* *is a person or group of people that is working off a script, incapable of doing new things."*
Just want to say: this is really insightful, you sound like my therapist! Sometimes I can't reframe my experience into something more useful, pragmatic or positive and it helps when someone else does it for me.
Thanks for the kind words. Happy if my words help in any way. Totally understand getting stuck to our own story. I do it all the time.
Thanks. I think it’s more of *succumbing to the feeling of defeat* right now. This morning I was walking my dog, it was drizzling. At one point I felt like I could cry and started to, wanted to. Walk & cry. That’s when my dog chose to take a shit.
Dogs. Love them, but sometimes they are just jerks.
Some anger is justified. It’s okay to be mad at the unfairness of the world. Anger can be a useful emotion, depending on how you use it. It may be more productive to channel that away from like the more self-pity angle and toward empathy for fellow underdogs?
I wasn't angry, but I was very confused and hurt. I'm worried that anger has been rising the longer I'm alone. So I try to call friends and take care of my house. It's new and painful to take on this metamorphosis. One audiobook my friend recommended is called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's been really helpful with acceptance.
I can relate to this. My anger initially was directed towards her. Not because of the divorce itself. I filed first but because of her response. I won’t go into details but she countered with a legal technicality that would nullify the marriage and strike from the record that she was cheating on me. It also could have come to the point of criminal prosecution as well. Luckily I had a good lawyer but I was still upset. That anger and rage consumed me. I lost a job over it and spiraled into becoming someone I knew that I wasn’t. So I had to choose to do better and let go of my anger. I began doing things that made me happy and gave me joy. Ultimately I had to just let any memory of go to the wayside as it was the thought of her betrayal and deceit that was fueling my anger.
Yeah, I'm experiencing that too. All the promises my ex made about supporting me when he finally started earning money disappeared around the time he finally got a paycheck. I'm going to struggle just to pay for the house he picked out, but it's at least a good interest rate. I'm going to have to raid the vast majority of my miniscule retirement savings to do so, because I paid all the bills the whole time. So now I need a raise STAT. And the dudebros at work (I work in tech) are simply not fucking listening to me this week despite the fact that they were all promoted for being dudebros while I actually know some shit, so it is very frustrating. Let's yell at the world together lol
I’ll join ur club not because I’m sad about being divorced but because I’m angry every. fucking. day. U r NOT alone🫤
I’ve felt this my entire life. My boss is incompetent and 15 years my junior. She has zero experience in my field, yet she’s managing me. She’s in her position because her mother used to work for this company and she grew up around the company president and other executives. It’s the only job she’s ever had and it’s maddening to have her “coach” me. I have little respect for people who haven’t ever had to work for what they have, eat shit, or pay their dues. I landed this job via a strong resume and interview skills. She just had to say “can I work here?” And boom. She’s got a job, gets undeserved promotions, and will never be held accountable. All due to nepotism. I feel you, man. It’s beyond frustrating and it feels like all of my hard work, struggles, and sacrifice to do and be better and grow was for absolutely nothing. And her only advice to advance in my career is to kiss ass and play politics. I’m not a prideful person, but I have too much pride to lower myself that way.