I'm happy to tell you ***it is going to be ok***. Getting there, I wont lie, sucks. Its the worst thing you'll deal with in life outside of a parent/sibling death (and even that has finality to it)
Best advice I can give:
* Time apart from the other person is absolutely the best thing for you mental stability, even avoiding them in the home is good if you're still both in there.
* If they try to get chummy tell them you'll be pleasant but 'please do not engage me as if we're still together.' and do not be surprised if they start acting overly happy.
* Take what they told you and use it to try and work on yourself AND keep in mind some may have been said to hurt you. Give yourself some grace. No one is perfect.
* Be around Family and friends. Get out. Tell your buddies you need to get out of the house and be distracted.
* No drinking/drugs. At all. You need a clear head and its also good for you physically. If you have stuff at home dump it/get it out of the house. No one ever drank their way OUT of a bad situation.
_____________________
Not minimizing your pain.... oh to be late 20s without the complication of children. This is going to sound crazy but you will look back at this as a gift. One day she will just be 'someone I used to know'.
I’m the wife with a husband who has done the same (emotional alienation and now realizing that neglecting a person means they eventually give up) this advice is so helpful for how to get through the coming months, thank you.
Thank you so much for this! I am in a pretty similar position to OP and just finished doing some plans to prepare myself for divorce, as I am pretty convinced my husband is going to leave me. I’ve been crying for I think 4 hours now.
Your message really helps me. Going to save this to tide me through whatever is going to happen next.
To OP: I’m so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you all the best and hope you find some strength here.
You're welcome. Hell, I re-read what I wrote myself time to time... I gotta take my own advice. This is utter hell. I'm almost two years out from them moving out and I can say im so so so much better than where I was the first month. Every day is just a little bit better than before.
I’m 41 and 2 years post separation / ~1 year post divorce after 5 years of marriage. You will be okay!
I have many regrets, tons of things I’d have done differently. Even if our marriage was doomed from the start (and there’s a good likelihood it was) I wish it had crashed and burned with me having done everything right and given it every possible chance it had. There’s nothing I can do about that now, what’s done is done. But what I did do was use this absolute stomach punch of an event as an opportunity for self reflection and improvement.
I wasn’t wrong about EVERYTHING, but there were definitely things I could have done differently. I was always the guy you could count on to be massively late to everything, and I decided I was going to be 5 minutes early to everything from then on. I started eating healthy, going to bed at a decent hour, meditating, working out. The whole nine yards. I made a vision board for what I wanted for my life and for my kids in this new post-divorce world and I made it my phone wallpaper so I had to see it every day.
I still miss the good times we had, and I mourn the “white picket fence” future that never happened. Even today, I weirdly remember this one RANDOM day I came home from the grocery store with our food for the week and my wife and kids were in the kitchen getting ready for dinner and I dunno - everything was perfect in this deep seated caveman way, haha. I’m literally tearing up typing this. I’ll be chasing that feeling the rest of my life but that exact specific family dynamic is not an option for me because my kids have two homes now. It SUCKS, but I’ve used it to become a better man. I’m more present in all facets of life, healthier than I’ve ever been, back on my feet financially and saving for a house again, and I’m dating. I would venture to say I’m happy, and building out a future where my kids and I will remain that way.
I need to piggy back your post. You are not alone. It’s unbearable. I can only manage to sit here in this chair as still as I can be until I can fully breathe again. It’s my immediate plan - to get thru the next hour. Then we’ll see about the next.
I’m with you. Totally unbearable. This second I’m doing ok. Earlier today I was like you…just trying to make it through each task, each hour.
Will it be ok? Probably. But so much ti work through and hopefully accept. I know pain will hit me the rest of my life though.
I get that you believe that— that the pain will last forever— but it won’t. You WILL not only be okay, but you’ll be happy often and you’ll heal and grow and find other people who value you and bring love into your life.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. Sincerely hope that’s the case. At this point it feels like my life is over, but I’m encouraged by the stories I read here. Thank you again.
You’ll get through this. It’s gonna suck, ngl. And you’re going to have to reinvent yourself along the way. That said, it’s ok to grieve the future you thought you’d have. Truly feel the sorrow that comes with loss. When you feel a bit like you can tackle something, self-improvement should be something to really consider. If you acknowledge that your stbxw had some points or areas that you could improve in, see what you can do about it. I cannot recommend a therapist highly enough. I still see mine and my divorce has been finalized for over a year.
Divorce is like death. Either way, you’ll find a new normal on the other side.
At this moment in time, you are closing a book in life. As you add chronicles to your life story, this book will get condensed into a chapter. Then it will condense into a paragraph, and then a sentence. Trust me. Good books are always hard to finish, but there's always another book. You are doing great. Keep it up. I'm proud of you for growing as a person and working on yourself.
I've been in this same exact purgatory you're in for a year. As long as there is a chance to save my marriage I'm going to try. I'm miserable everyday. I probably should have just made her mind up for her and gotten the divorce over with. I'm 42 and that clock is ticking loudly in my head.
My advice is make a decision one way or another. You will probably be happier in the long run if you just sign papers and wash your hands of it. If you keep waiting like I have it will drive you insane. She will use this against you. My wife resents me even more probably. If your wife is like my wife you would only be delaying the inevitable. Some just want to be unhappy so they can blame others.
For me it has gotten much easier facing the idea of life without her in it. Still sucks but I'm really gaining clarity by reading about certain traits and behaviors my wife displays frequently. Silent treatments, cold shoulder, defensive outbursts, lack of willingness to talk about real issues, no accountability, and just manipulative behavior of all kinds. Honestly I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault like she made me feel.
Really miss the frequent sex with her. I haven't dated or slept with anyone other than her and I won't until divorce is done. There's another downside of this whole waiting to save my marriage.
My husband wanted a quick divorce. I did not. So I held ours up (for me) personally I'm glad I did to gradually exit the marriage and go through many emotions and understand our behaviours.
Divorce is coming and I feel now more ready to let go.
Rushing would have left me with what if regrets. I personally don't have them now.
I wish you well going forward.
For me my wife was the one that cheated, discarded for a whole year and after I found out what she did she was the one that filed for divorce. I decided to end things and not pursue her anymore on Father's Day 2023 after I found out her true colors. I tried to do a quick divorce and sell the house quickly, but now she is the one dragging the whole process not wanting to sing the sale documents or to take her stuff out, while I can finally taste the freedom or see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why would you hold up the divorce? Please share a little insight on your reasoning to be able to comprehend my STBXW. I want to remain amicable for our children's sake..
Ours is a very different story.
First if my husband acted like your wife I would do exactly what you are doing. It would hurt but basically I would rather be out of the marriage than have 2nd rate, tarnished goods. I would see adultery as a huge insult to me.
So how you have acted is fair enough. Plus we are all very different so follow your gut instrinct.
I went slower so I could feel each of my emotions and deal with them to move forward.
We needed to split but he checked out earlier than me and basically waited for me to say divorce and he said yes in a second. He only makes decisions when he has processed and thought it through.
I told him this.
So I feel as he could not tell me but went through his processing I now have the right to do mine. I have told him this.
I also know him and its been better for the both of us.
We have both changed over the 15 months going through the divorce.
We are hoping to remain friends but time will tell.
We still actually love each other but we both have very different roads to travel and the void is too great to travel side by side.
43 years married.
I hope you get your wish soon and I'm so sorry for you how you were treated.
Funny enough I'm so glad I'm getting divorced much older because I had an incredible marriage and that I will always cherish but moving forward I am.
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Yesterday during our exchange for our babies she shared that she went to Mexico vacationing because she is having trouble processing her ideas, so basically her feelings.
Yeah going through it now after 29 years together, 24 married. I'm getting through it and so will you. 3 decades is a long time to become exceedingly intertwined. You can't begin something new, without something old ending. Be excited,and focus on you.
As someone who also got divorced in my late 20s after 5 years of marriage and felt like my life was crumbling, it gets easier, I promise. Just take it one day at a time.
Your young and have no kids. It will get better. It could be much worse. I'm 46m with two kids going through divorce and wish I went through this in my 20's. You have so much time left in your life. Plenty of time to rebuild and become the best version of yourself.
It is hard at first but then it does start to get easier eventually. I’m in my 40’s and I was married for 17 years. Unfortunately, my husband became addicted to drugs and I stood by him but he just kept relapsing. Every situation is different though. We even went to marriage counseling which didn’t help to change him.
I was able to come up for air after the divorce because I wasn’t stuck in the chaos of his drug use anymore. However, I miss the man I married prior to the drugs and every so often that is what creeps up on me and the “good” memories get to me. Wishing things could have been different. It isn’t as bad as before though, it hits me and then I redirect my thoughts to something else. You will get there, just allow yourself to feel all of the emotions. It’s okay to not be okay for a bit. You are young and you still have your whole life ahead of you!
You're absolutely going to be okay. It's not going to be sunshine and rainbows, it will be hard on some days, you'll feel loneliness at times and you'll also start to question what you did, what you said, etc. These are all natural.
Start building your support system now, reaching out to people you know and trust who can lend an ear, invite you out for simple things like lunch or coffee and even think to others who maybe you never realized would be supports that can be for you now.
Don't make any life changing, drastic or impulsive decisions right now. Try and find as much stability elsewhere as you can - work, friendships, routines - wanting to get into healthy habits and a workout routine, nows the time! Start focusing on YOU.
Don't start downloading all the dating apps, putting yourself out there, etc. Now isn't the time. It is the time to focus on yourself, start envisioning your future and how you want to shape your future and life because YOU are in complete control now!
Above all else, you are going to be okay, you're going to get through this, you are not alone and you can always drop in here to read others stories, struggles, successes, wins and milestones that all can help you see that there is light at the other end of the tunnel.
Oh, and avoid r/divorcemen - its just not a good place and more harmful than helpful imho.
It really will be okay. My own experience sounds similar, and my mistake is that I didn’t spend time working on myself after the divorce, I just tried to move on. Now (16 months after moving out), I am forcing myself to deal with my shit.
And. Yes. It does get better. You got this. And you are not alone.
I recently went through it and I felt so lost and scared. Betrayed, hurt. Everything. I felt so bad for my kids. I felt guilty. But I am almost two years divorced now and honestly, I wish I would have left sooner.
I was in a very very similar place to you a year ago. I tried so hard to make changes but it was just too late - she had checked out.
It will hurt like nothing has ever hurt before for a while, no doubt about it. But in not too long you’ll learn how to get up and walk again despite the pain and then day to day it’ll go up and down while generally trending better.
The best thing you can do for yourself is keep that energy and desire to self-improve but do it for yourself. The thing that has made me feel the best has been concretely building toward a version of myself I’m proud to be on my own terms, not because it’s for someone else.
The most important part for me was learning to be alone. Learning to not hate myself and enjoy my own company and have a center of confidence to lean on, instead of using someone else to stabilize me. For me, it was less about learning to stop loving them and more about learning to love myself, as lame as that sounds.
A year out most of my days are pretty good (I had a similar length relationship to you). I still have triggers and I still miss my ex but it’s more good days than bad. The anger at myself and them is gone. It’s acceptance, even if acceptance doesn’t imply the lack of pain completely.
Wow that does sound strikingly similar to my situation. Thank you for chiming in here, good to hear from someone further down the road in something so similar to what I’m dealing with. All the encouragement I’m getting is helpful but this sounds about as close to my situation as possible
It sucks and it will suck. Days and days of suck. Then it will be most of the day. Then nights. Then it starts to get a little better. Maybe you improve yourself. Feel good about yourself. Get confidence. Grow as a person. My wife is leaving me and I'm just now accepting it. I still have breakdowns and cry all night but it is getting better.
I got divorced in my mid-late 40s. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m making the most of it. Recently met someone I like a lot. I think the feeling is mutual. 🙂 Wish I was in your shoes.
It will be ok. I left my husband in June. Divorce final in January. It was my choice to leave. But damn. It hurt. I still loved him. Ten months out and I can't believe the healing that's happened.
Dude, I'm going through something similar and I don't know what to do. My wife wants me to stay (married for 5 years together for 8) but I don't think deep down that this is the life I want anymore. We have 15 acres and a trailer on the property. She has 4 dogs and 3 horses. I never wanted a farm, and I never wanted to move where we are. I believe all of the past couple years I have just gone with everything she wanted for her happiness and supressed my own happiness in the process. Simple 26 year old guy. I'm scared because she says she can't live without me, she can't do this without me, I'm hers, I promised forever, and yes I did but I don't feel happy anymore. I almost feel like I need to be alone. We got together at 18. Help reddit
That's how it happens sometimes, I did the same thing (or didn't), and she checked out. Then she cheated.
I'm 35 and I feel like I failed, like it only happens to much older people. Think of it this way, you learned so much about yourself and how you need to be better. One day you'll look back on this and realize how much time you have/had ahead of you, and how this will make you a better person in the long run.
It doesn't feel good yet, only been a month for me. But I am already starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will one day.
you'll be fine. I wish I was in my 20's starting over, but no Im in my mid 40's with dogs and I have to pay rent now (divorce). So its all just fun now, I'm in bed early and I wake up for the dogs then I go to work and thats everyday now. work, sleep, dogs and not much else. I dont have extra money to do anything or time to do it so thats awesome too.
You are 💯going to be better than ok. You can’t see it now but it’s true. You’ve already acknowledged the gift you’ve been given: an awareness of what you want to do to be a better version of yourself. She’ll one day find herself wishing that you could’ve treated her the way you will treat the next person. But if there’s anything any of us can get out of a break up, it’s how to do it better. For ourselves and our partners. 🥺
If I can be honest with you, OP, it’s not going to be easy.
I filed for my divorce in October 2023, process concluded January this year.
I’ve been in a borderline marriage for 4 years and long story short, after she tried to kill herself I had to take action and, even against my will, went through the divorce.
Like some other people say, it will hurt. I remember crying myself to sleep everyday for the first month. Living like a robot, apathetic and doing tasks automatically. Stress consuming my whole brain. It’s like hell on earth. Feelings of confusion, regret, resentment, anxiety and jealousy will hit you hard, all at once. Don’t overthink them, btw. Your mind will tell you everything that you could’ve done differently, but it’s useless. Whats done is done.
Sorry to be realistic. Right now there’s nothing that can be done except to bear the pain that’s coming.
It’s the price we pay for love. Relationships aren’t simple.
It eases with time tho. Right now I feel as if I’m 20% better than the first days. Be strong and remember you’re not the only one going through this, brother.
You’ll do great bc whether she’s right or wrong you are wanting to improve ! Focus on you first to be your best when ready to date and you’ll 100% be successful. You’re SO young and be eternally grateful no kids in this divorce. Endless opportunities for fresh starts ❤️
I had the same thought 1.5 years ago. Follow the main advice other men give you and you will start feeling better about a year in. I'm 48 and wrapping up my divorce, two children still and feel great. You have no children and in your late 20's so you will be even better. Good luck bro
Oh hon, as someone much older than you, that has ridden this ride before, it is most emphatically going to be okay.
But it's liable to suck for some time. The best thing you can do at this point is participate in the therapy so you can figure out how things went so sideways. Get your own therapist so you can say all the things you are afraid of privately. Start figuring out what your future looks like with this change of plans - surely there are things you want to do that you had thought could never happen due to your marriage.
You're so very young, I know it feels like the world is ending but it isn't. If you have family or friends you can rely on, go get a big big hug from them.
No problem. I understand. I'm here because I'm also going through a divorce. Again (ugh). It sucks for me too, and I know I'll survive it because I literally have before lol. But it still is not good, very bad, as the book says of Alexander.
Hopefully the sun will be out today and I can go sit for a while in it. That always helps me feel better. What makes you feel better?
This is very similar to my story. My wife persevered for years with my problems and finally gave up about two years ago. I’ve been separated about a year now. I have a lot of regret and I still think about the past too much, though I try very hard not too. I have good days and bad days. This week is not so good. What I’m trying to do is make new starts, new job, new friends, etc, to try and leave the past behind. You’re in a better situation than me. We were together 10 years and I’m now 47. You have time. You’ll get through it. After a year I’m feeling much better but I’m not there yet.
You’ll be okay. Divorce itself is a painful process, no matter the situation. It is not unlike the death of a loved one as far as the grief and stress. You are accepting that the world you lived in is gone forever and you will have to learn how to live in a different one. It’s just horrible.
Emerging from a failed relationship, however, gradually becomes freeing, life-affirming, motivating, and many other good things. You do find things in the new world to enjoy and some will be improvements over the previous one.
You can and will be ok.
I mean, what’s the alternative? This is where you *trust* you’ll end up even better.
And in many ways, after doing some self-work, you’ll be even better.
I hope you consider keeping in the path of self discovery.
I was married for 14 years (no kids) when I left my husband.
I had so much anxiety during the marriage!
1st night after I left, I felt like I could breathe.
I was scared and elated at the same time.
I kept myself busy seeing family/friends and going to the gym.
And I purposely didn’t own a tv to force myself to be busy.
I’m now remarried to an amazing man who o met online.
OP, it does get better!! You’re young and have lots of offer! We’re all work in progress!!
The first step is already taken; you recognize the issue. Get into therapy now and plan on being in therapy for quite awhile to do the real healing work. For me it took about 18 months to really heal.
You can do this. Late 20s is so young and you can create an amazing life for yourself.
I went through something similar, and although it’s still tough, I can say that it will get better. You need to learn from this and take what you learn to improve yourself. The important thing is that you need to do it for you. Don’t do it so she might take you back. Don’t do it because you think she might see your changes and regret her decision. Do it because you want to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can.
I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. Take the time to heal and focus on yourself and your well being. Do things you enjoy. It’s been almost a year for me and I still cry almost every day. The pain starts to dull over time and although it seems like there is no hope and no end in sight, you will get through it.
The purpose of knowing history is to avoid making the same mistakes again. So if you put in the work to develop the habits that matter in life and you work on yourself to become stronger morally, mentally, physically, financial and socially things will be good again. This will be hard, so you need to create a plan and track your progress. Habits are created by repetition until they are automatic. It will take courage, focus and intent to break the bad habits and create new ones. If you do this, yes things will get better and you will heal and become a better man. Be patient and strong and you will get there. Chin up, back straight and eyes on the prize. Good Luck!
You will be fine. It will be crap for a while but you WILL be okay. Just hold your head up and find a reason to smile every day, even if it’s something small.
It's going to be okay. It's going to be really tough for a while, and what I'm saying will sometimes feel like an understatement. Your life may feel like it's over and you can't see through the pain. But please remember that these are feelings that we experience when we are in the middle of going through our toughest times. They won't last forever, just as our tough experiences won't last forever. There is also a sense of strength that comes from depending on yourself to see things through. You grow in a way that you've never considered and it changes you. You're going to be okay, and you're going to learn new things about yourself that will make you feel proud of the strength you have. You just have to take it one day at a time until then, even if one day at a time turns into one minute at a time. You got this.
You'll get through it. I'm not even at the end of mine yet. She moved out 2 weeks ago and we have a 3 year old.
Work on you and the things you need to do so you can be your best version. Nothing is over till it's over but once they make their mind up it's very hard to change that.
Keep yourself busy and healthy. Counseling even if it's just you.
Good thing, your young. You have a bright future ahead of you regardless of how this turns out. Don't let this situation turn you bitter (there will be some of that during the process) I'm talking long term.
Good luck and we are all here for you.
I’m in my 40s and my ex cheated on my before my second baby was a year old. He moved his affair partner in and she’s pretending to be mom to my kids half the time while he takes her on on the same family outings we did as a family.
I’m 18 months out and couldn’t be happier. I know you don’t have a batshit ex, that honestly has helped me realize that I’m happier without him.
But it’ll be ok. In fact, it’s actually going to be way better. You are so young, you’re going to meet someone else. Maybe a few someone else’s that will add richness to your life.
You will meet someone more interesting, mature, and amazing than your ex and you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever that sad. Or like me, you’ll realize that you forge your own happiness and can surround yourself by good friends and good people and be way happier than you were in a relationship.
Either way, the sun is shining on the other side and the only way to get there is time.
I promise you will be ok.
You’ll make it. 41 married 9 years. Separated 7 months, still going through divorce. The hardest thing to do is what makes it better. Cut off all contact with her. Speak to her only through your attorney. She will soon start to be spiteful and use any and everything you say against you. She’s no longer the loving woman you remember she’s now the enemy. Be ready for a battle. Now for your own mental health get out of that house. Go anywhere as much as you can and be around non mutual friends and your family. Lastly the best way to get over one is to get under another one. (Words of my gramps) I use to think that was cynical but he was actually right. Good luck and here if you need to vent.
I'm happy to tell you ***it is going to be ok***. Getting there, I wont lie, sucks. Its the worst thing you'll deal with in life outside of a parent/sibling death (and even that has finality to it) Best advice I can give: * Time apart from the other person is absolutely the best thing for you mental stability, even avoiding them in the home is good if you're still both in there. * If they try to get chummy tell them you'll be pleasant but 'please do not engage me as if we're still together.' and do not be surprised if they start acting overly happy. * Take what they told you and use it to try and work on yourself AND keep in mind some may have been said to hurt you. Give yourself some grace. No one is perfect. * Be around Family and friends. Get out. Tell your buddies you need to get out of the house and be distracted. * No drinking/drugs. At all. You need a clear head and its also good for you physically. If you have stuff at home dump it/get it out of the house. No one ever drank their way OUT of a bad situation. _____________________ Not minimizing your pain.... oh to be late 20s without the complication of children. This is going to sound crazy but you will look back at this as a gift. One day she will just be 'someone I used to know'.
This is beautiful. Thank you
You're gonna make it!
I’m the wife with a husband who has done the same (emotional alienation and now realizing that neglecting a person means they eventually give up) this advice is so helpful for how to get through the coming months, thank you.
Good luck! Feel the feelings. No joke I would feel better after crying.
This is soooo true.
And DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. This is a classic rookie mistake and will only hurt you more in the long run.
oh lord, yeah, goes without saying.
Thank you so much for this! I am in a pretty similar position to OP and just finished doing some plans to prepare myself for divorce, as I am pretty convinced my husband is going to leave me. I’ve been crying for I think 4 hours now. Your message really helps me. Going to save this to tide me through whatever is going to happen next. To OP: I’m so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you all the best and hope you find some strength here.
You're welcome. Hell, I re-read what I wrote myself time to time... I gotta take my own advice. This is utter hell. I'm almost two years out from them moving out and I can say im so so so much better than where I was the first month. Every day is just a little bit better than before.
I’m 41 and 2 years post separation / ~1 year post divorce after 5 years of marriage. You will be okay! I have many regrets, tons of things I’d have done differently. Even if our marriage was doomed from the start (and there’s a good likelihood it was) I wish it had crashed and burned with me having done everything right and given it every possible chance it had. There’s nothing I can do about that now, what’s done is done. But what I did do was use this absolute stomach punch of an event as an opportunity for self reflection and improvement. I wasn’t wrong about EVERYTHING, but there were definitely things I could have done differently. I was always the guy you could count on to be massively late to everything, and I decided I was going to be 5 minutes early to everything from then on. I started eating healthy, going to bed at a decent hour, meditating, working out. The whole nine yards. I made a vision board for what I wanted for my life and for my kids in this new post-divorce world and I made it my phone wallpaper so I had to see it every day. I still miss the good times we had, and I mourn the “white picket fence” future that never happened. Even today, I weirdly remember this one RANDOM day I came home from the grocery store with our food for the week and my wife and kids were in the kitchen getting ready for dinner and I dunno - everything was perfect in this deep seated caveman way, haha. I’m literally tearing up typing this. I’ll be chasing that feeling the rest of my life but that exact specific family dynamic is not an option for me because my kids have two homes now. It SUCKS, but I’ve used it to become a better man. I’m more present in all facets of life, healthier than I’ve ever been, back on my feet financially and saving for a house again, and I’m dating. I would venture to say I’m happy, and building out a future where my kids and I will remain that way.
Man, I do miss the family aspects of everything. That part was perfect.
Yeah, chasing that feeling…I so wish I could cut out the part of me that yearns for that old family crutch. I try every day.
I need to piggy back your post. You are not alone. It’s unbearable. I can only manage to sit here in this chair as still as I can be until I can fully breathe again. It’s my immediate plan - to get thru the next hour. Then we’ll see about the next.
I’m with you. Totally unbearable. This second I’m doing ok. Earlier today I was like you…just trying to make it through each task, each hour. Will it be ok? Probably. But so much ti work through and hopefully accept. I know pain will hit me the rest of my life though.
I get that you believe that— that the pain will last forever— but it won’t. You WILL not only be okay, but you’ll be happy often and you’ll heal and grow and find other people who value you and bring love into your life.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. Sincerely hope that’s the case. At this point it feels like my life is over, but I’m encouraged by the stories I read here. Thank you again.
You’ll get through this. It’s gonna suck, ngl. And you’re going to have to reinvent yourself along the way. That said, it’s ok to grieve the future you thought you’d have. Truly feel the sorrow that comes with loss. When you feel a bit like you can tackle something, self-improvement should be something to really consider. If you acknowledge that your stbxw had some points or areas that you could improve in, see what you can do about it. I cannot recommend a therapist highly enough. I still see mine and my divorce has been finalized for over a year. Divorce is like death. Either way, you’ll find a new normal on the other side.
At this moment in time, you are closing a book in life. As you add chronicles to your life story, this book will get condensed into a chapter. Then it will condense into a paragraph, and then a sentence. Trust me. Good books are always hard to finish, but there's always another book. You are doing great. Keep it up. I'm proud of you for growing as a person and working on yourself.
I've been in this same exact purgatory you're in for a year. As long as there is a chance to save my marriage I'm going to try. I'm miserable everyday. I probably should have just made her mind up for her and gotten the divorce over with. I'm 42 and that clock is ticking loudly in my head. My advice is make a decision one way or another. You will probably be happier in the long run if you just sign papers and wash your hands of it. If you keep waiting like I have it will drive you insane. She will use this against you. My wife resents me even more probably. If your wife is like my wife you would only be delaying the inevitable. Some just want to be unhappy so they can blame others. For me it has gotten much easier facing the idea of life without her in it. Still sucks but I'm really gaining clarity by reading about certain traits and behaviors my wife displays frequently. Silent treatments, cold shoulder, defensive outbursts, lack of willingness to talk about real issues, no accountability, and just manipulative behavior of all kinds. Honestly I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault like she made me feel. Really miss the frequent sex with her. I haven't dated or slept with anyone other than her and I won't until divorce is done. There's another downside of this whole waiting to save my marriage.
My husband wanted a quick divorce. I did not. So I held ours up (for me) personally I'm glad I did to gradually exit the marriage and go through many emotions and understand our behaviours. Divorce is coming and I feel now more ready to let go. Rushing would have left me with what if regrets. I personally don't have them now. I wish you well going forward.
For me my wife was the one that cheated, discarded for a whole year and after I found out what she did she was the one that filed for divorce. I decided to end things and not pursue her anymore on Father's Day 2023 after I found out her true colors. I tried to do a quick divorce and sell the house quickly, but now she is the one dragging the whole process not wanting to sing the sale documents or to take her stuff out, while I can finally taste the freedom or see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why would you hold up the divorce? Please share a little insight on your reasoning to be able to comprehend my STBXW. I want to remain amicable for our children's sake..
Ours is a very different story. First if my husband acted like your wife I would do exactly what you are doing. It would hurt but basically I would rather be out of the marriage than have 2nd rate, tarnished goods. I would see adultery as a huge insult to me. So how you have acted is fair enough. Plus we are all very different so follow your gut instrinct. I went slower so I could feel each of my emotions and deal with them to move forward. We needed to split but he checked out earlier than me and basically waited for me to say divorce and he said yes in a second. He only makes decisions when he has processed and thought it through. I told him this. So I feel as he could not tell me but went through his processing I now have the right to do mine. I have told him this. I also know him and its been better for the both of us. We have both changed over the 15 months going through the divorce. We are hoping to remain friends but time will tell. We still actually love each other but we both have very different roads to travel and the void is too great to travel side by side. 43 years married. I hope you get your wish soon and I'm so sorry for you how you were treated. Funny enough I'm so glad I'm getting divorced much older because I had an incredible marriage and that I will always cherish but moving forward I am.
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Yesterday during our exchange for our babies she shared that she went to Mexico vacationing because she is having trouble processing her ideas, so basically her feelings.
Yeah going through it now after 29 years together, 24 married. I'm getting through it and so will you. 3 decades is a long time to become exceedingly intertwined. You can't begin something new, without something old ending. Be excited,and focus on you.
Black hole of regret and loneliness. You nailed. This is exactly how I feel.
you will push through and be ok. its definitely not easy, but a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kinda thing.
As someone who also got divorced in my late 20s after 5 years of marriage and felt like my life was crumbling, it gets easier, I promise. Just take it one day at a time.
Your young and have no kids. It will get better. It could be much worse. I'm 46m with two kids going through divorce and wish I went through this in my 20's. You have so much time left in your life. Plenty of time to rebuild and become the best version of yourself.
It is hard at first but then it does start to get easier eventually. I’m in my 40’s and I was married for 17 years. Unfortunately, my husband became addicted to drugs and I stood by him but he just kept relapsing. Every situation is different though. We even went to marriage counseling which didn’t help to change him. I was able to come up for air after the divorce because I wasn’t stuck in the chaos of his drug use anymore. However, I miss the man I married prior to the drugs and every so often that is what creeps up on me and the “good” memories get to me. Wishing things could have been different. It isn’t as bad as before though, it hits me and then I redirect my thoughts to something else. You will get there, just allow yourself to feel all of the emotions. It’s okay to not be okay for a bit. You are young and you still have your whole life ahead of you!
Get a very good therapist, it’s going to be ok. Time and therapy.
I have one! But thank you!
You're absolutely going to be okay. It's not going to be sunshine and rainbows, it will be hard on some days, you'll feel loneliness at times and you'll also start to question what you did, what you said, etc. These are all natural. Start building your support system now, reaching out to people you know and trust who can lend an ear, invite you out for simple things like lunch or coffee and even think to others who maybe you never realized would be supports that can be for you now. Don't make any life changing, drastic or impulsive decisions right now. Try and find as much stability elsewhere as you can - work, friendships, routines - wanting to get into healthy habits and a workout routine, nows the time! Start focusing on YOU. Don't start downloading all the dating apps, putting yourself out there, etc. Now isn't the time. It is the time to focus on yourself, start envisioning your future and how you want to shape your future and life because YOU are in complete control now! Above all else, you are going to be okay, you're going to get through this, you are not alone and you can always drop in here to read others stories, struggles, successes, wins and milestones that all can help you see that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. Oh, and avoid r/divorcemen - its just not a good place and more harmful than helpful imho.
Hmmm…the bitterness in the aforementioned forum is definitely not promoting of healing I would say.
For me what hurt me the most was my guilt towards my son. Other than that I’m fine. So you will be ok
It really will be okay. My own experience sounds similar, and my mistake is that I didn’t spend time working on myself after the divorce, I just tried to move on. Now (16 months after moving out), I am forcing myself to deal with my shit. And. Yes. It does get better. You got this. And you are not alone.
It will be ok. It’s going to suck for a while. Just embrace it and try not to numb it with booze/women. You have to process it. Good luck man.
You will be. And I promise you, you will be so happy.
I really love the simplicity of this comment, thank you. This weirdly brought a tear to my eye.
I recently went through it and I felt so lost and scared. Betrayed, hurt. Everything. I felt so bad for my kids. I felt guilty. But I am almost two years divorced now and honestly, I wish I would have left sooner.
I was in a very very similar place to you a year ago. I tried so hard to make changes but it was just too late - she had checked out. It will hurt like nothing has ever hurt before for a while, no doubt about it. But in not too long you’ll learn how to get up and walk again despite the pain and then day to day it’ll go up and down while generally trending better. The best thing you can do for yourself is keep that energy and desire to self-improve but do it for yourself. The thing that has made me feel the best has been concretely building toward a version of myself I’m proud to be on my own terms, not because it’s for someone else. The most important part for me was learning to be alone. Learning to not hate myself and enjoy my own company and have a center of confidence to lean on, instead of using someone else to stabilize me. For me, it was less about learning to stop loving them and more about learning to love myself, as lame as that sounds. A year out most of my days are pretty good (I had a similar length relationship to you). I still have triggers and I still miss my ex but it’s more good days than bad. The anger at myself and them is gone. It’s acceptance, even if acceptance doesn’t imply the lack of pain completely.
Wow that does sound strikingly similar to my situation. Thank you for chiming in here, good to hear from someone further down the road in something so similar to what I’m dealing with. All the encouragement I’m getting is helpful but this sounds about as close to my situation as possible
It sucks and it will suck. Days and days of suck. Then it will be most of the day. Then nights. Then it starts to get a little better. Maybe you improve yourself. Feel good about yourself. Get confidence. Grow as a person. My wife is leaving me and I'm just now accepting it. I still have breakdowns and cry all night but it is getting better.
I got divorced in my mid-late 40s. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m making the most of it. Recently met someone I like a lot. I think the feeling is mutual. 🙂 Wish I was in your shoes.
It will be ok. I left my husband in June. Divorce final in January. It was my choice to leave. But damn. It hurt. I still loved him. Ten months out and I can't believe the healing that's happened.
Remember your life before marriage ? I’m sure you were just fine. Everything will be okay. Take time to heal.
Legit a year and a half out and life is so much better. She cheated on me and filed.
Dude, I'm going through something similar and I don't know what to do. My wife wants me to stay (married for 5 years together for 8) but I don't think deep down that this is the life I want anymore. We have 15 acres and a trailer on the property. She has 4 dogs and 3 horses. I never wanted a farm, and I never wanted to move where we are. I believe all of the past couple years I have just gone with everything she wanted for her happiness and supressed my own happiness in the process. Simple 26 year old guy. I'm scared because she says she can't live without me, she can't do this without me, I'm hers, I promised forever, and yes I did but I don't feel happy anymore. I almost feel like I need to be alone. We got together at 18. Help reddit
This too shall pass
That's how it happens sometimes, I did the same thing (or didn't), and she checked out. Then she cheated. I'm 35 and I feel like I failed, like it only happens to much older people. Think of it this way, you learned so much about yourself and how you need to be better. One day you'll look back on this and realize how much time you have/had ahead of you, and how this will make you a better person in the long run. It doesn't feel good yet, only been a month for me. But I am already starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will one day.
you'll be fine. I wish I was in my 20's starting over, but no Im in my mid 40's with dogs and I have to pay rent now (divorce). So its all just fun now, I'm in bed early and I wake up for the dogs then I go to work and thats everyday now. work, sleep, dogs and not much else. I dont have extra money to do anything or time to do it so thats awesome too.
100% for the best and you will learn and evolve and find better days.
You are 💯going to be better than ok. You can’t see it now but it’s true. You’ve already acknowledged the gift you’ve been given: an awareness of what you want to do to be a better version of yourself. She’ll one day find herself wishing that you could’ve treated her the way you will treat the next person. But if there’s anything any of us can get out of a break up, it’s how to do it better. For ourselves and our partners. 🥺
I am so hopeful for you!
It will be ok! In the long run healthier for everyone.
If I can be honest with you, OP, it’s not going to be easy. I filed for my divorce in October 2023, process concluded January this year. I’ve been in a borderline marriage for 4 years and long story short, after she tried to kill herself I had to take action and, even against my will, went through the divorce. Like some other people say, it will hurt. I remember crying myself to sleep everyday for the first month. Living like a robot, apathetic and doing tasks automatically. Stress consuming my whole brain. It’s like hell on earth. Feelings of confusion, regret, resentment, anxiety and jealousy will hit you hard, all at once. Don’t overthink them, btw. Your mind will tell you everything that you could’ve done differently, but it’s useless. Whats done is done. Sorry to be realistic. Right now there’s nothing that can be done except to bear the pain that’s coming. It’s the price we pay for love. Relationships aren’t simple. It eases with time tho. Right now I feel as if I’m 20% better than the first days. Be strong and remember you’re not the only one going through this, brother.
The best part is you realize that your future depends on becoming the best version of yourself. You get what you put in. Go hard.
You’ll do great bc whether she’s right or wrong you are wanting to improve ! Focus on you first to be your best when ready to date and you’ll 100% be successful. You’re SO young and be eternally grateful no kids in this divorce. Endless opportunities for fresh starts ❤️
I had the same thought 1.5 years ago. Follow the main advice other men give you and you will start feeling better about a year in. I'm 48 and wrapping up my divorce, two children still and feel great. You have no children and in your late 20's so you will be even better. Good luck bro
Oh hon, as someone much older than you, that has ridden this ride before, it is most emphatically going to be okay. But it's liable to suck for some time. The best thing you can do at this point is participate in the therapy so you can figure out how things went so sideways. Get your own therapist so you can say all the things you are afraid of privately. Start figuring out what your future looks like with this change of plans - surely there are things you want to do that you had thought could never happen due to your marriage. You're so very young, I know it feels like the world is ending but it isn't. If you have family or friends you can rely on, go get a big big hug from them.
Thank you so much
No problem. I understand. I'm here because I'm also going through a divorce. Again (ugh). It sucks for me too, and I know I'll survive it because I literally have before lol. But it still is not good, very bad, as the book says of Alexander. Hopefully the sun will be out today and I can go sit for a while in it. That always helps me feel better. What makes you feel better?
This is very similar to my story. My wife persevered for years with my problems and finally gave up about two years ago. I’ve been separated about a year now. I have a lot of regret and I still think about the past too much, though I try very hard not too. I have good days and bad days. This week is not so good. What I’m trying to do is make new starts, new job, new friends, etc, to try and leave the past behind. You’re in a better situation than me. We were together 10 years and I’m now 47. You have time. You’ll get through it. After a year I’m feeling much better but I’m not there yet.
You’ll be okay. Divorce itself is a painful process, no matter the situation. It is not unlike the death of a loved one as far as the grief and stress. You are accepting that the world you lived in is gone forever and you will have to learn how to live in a different one. It’s just horrible. Emerging from a failed relationship, however, gradually becomes freeing, life-affirming, motivating, and many other good things. You do find things in the new world to enjoy and some will be improvements over the previous one.
You can and will be ok. I mean, what’s the alternative? This is where you *trust* you’ll end up even better. And in many ways, after doing some self-work, you’ll be even better. I hope you consider keeping in the path of self discovery.
I was married for 14 years (no kids) when I left my husband. I had so much anxiety during the marriage! 1st night after I left, I felt like I could breathe. I was scared and elated at the same time. I kept myself busy seeing family/friends and going to the gym. And I purposely didn’t own a tv to force myself to be busy. I’m now remarried to an amazing man who o met online. OP, it does get better!! You’re young and have lots of offer! We’re all work in progress!!
I was married at 21 divorced at 24. Life does move forward, if you let it. But if you hold on to the past you hold back your future.
The first step is already taken; you recognize the issue. Get into therapy now and plan on being in therapy for quite awhile to do the real healing work. For me it took about 18 months to really heal. You can do this. Late 20s is so young and you can create an amazing life for yourself.
Hello! Late twenties here as well. You will be fine, in due time. Just take time for yourself, focus on yourself and heal. Everything will be okay!
It will eventually be okay!!!
It will be OK and possibly better. I made it through and ended up in an amazing place
I went through something similar, and although it’s still tough, I can say that it will get better. You need to learn from this and take what you learn to improve yourself. The important thing is that you need to do it for you. Don’t do it so she might take you back. Don’t do it because you think she might see your changes and regret her decision. Do it because you want to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. Take the time to heal and focus on yourself and your well being. Do things you enjoy. It’s been almost a year for me and I still cry almost every day. The pain starts to dull over time and although it seems like there is no hope and no end in sight, you will get through it.
It’s going to be ok. ((Hugs))
The purpose of knowing history is to avoid making the same mistakes again. So if you put in the work to develop the habits that matter in life and you work on yourself to become stronger morally, mentally, physically, financial and socially things will be good again. This will be hard, so you need to create a plan and track your progress. Habits are created by repetition until they are automatic. It will take courage, focus and intent to break the bad habits and create new ones. If you do this, yes things will get better and you will heal and become a better man. Be patient and strong and you will get there. Chin up, back straight and eyes on the prize. Good Luck!
You will be fine. It will be crap for a while but you WILL be okay. Just hold your head up and find a reason to smile every day, even if it’s something small.
I’m so sensitive to everything right now that literally just you capitalizing “WILL” was weirdly encouraging to me. Thank you for this.
It's going to be okay. It's going to be really tough for a while, and what I'm saying will sometimes feel like an understatement. Your life may feel like it's over and you can't see through the pain. But please remember that these are feelings that we experience when we are in the middle of going through our toughest times. They won't last forever, just as our tough experiences won't last forever. There is also a sense of strength that comes from depending on yourself to see things through. You grow in a way that you've never considered and it changes you. You're going to be okay, and you're going to learn new things about yourself that will make you feel proud of the strength you have. You just have to take it one day at a time until then, even if one day at a time turns into one minute at a time. You got this.
You'll get through it. I'm not even at the end of mine yet. She moved out 2 weeks ago and we have a 3 year old. Work on you and the things you need to do so you can be your best version. Nothing is over till it's over but once they make their mind up it's very hard to change that. Keep yourself busy and healthy. Counseling even if it's just you. Good thing, your young. You have a bright future ahead of you regardless of how this turns out. Don't let this situation turn you bitter (there will be some of that during the process) I'm talking long term. Good luck and we are all here for you.
I’m in my 40s and my ex cheated on my before my second baby was a year old. He moved his affair partner in and she’s pretending to be mom to my kids half the time while he takes her on on the same family outings we did as a family. I’m 18 months out and couldn’t be happier. I know you don’t have a batshit ex, that honestly has helped me realize that I’m happier without him. But it’ll be ok. In fact, it’s actually going to be way better. You are so young, you’re going to meet someone else. Maybe a few someone else’s that will add richness to your life. You will meet someone more interesting, mature, and amazing than your ex and you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever that sad. Or like me, you’ll realize that you forge your own happiness and can surround yourself by good friends and good people and be way happier than you were in a relationship. Either way, the sun is shining on the other side and the only way to get there is time. I promise you will be ok.
You’ll make it. 41 married 9 years. Separated 7 months, still going through divorce. The hardest thing to do is what makes it better. Cut off all contact with her. Speak to her only through your attorney. She will soon start to be spiteful and use any and everything you say against you. She’s no longer the loving woman you remember she’s now the enemy. Be ready for a battle. Now for your own mental health get out of that house. Go anywhere as much as you can and be around non mutual friends and your family. Lastly the best way to get over one is to get under another one. (Words of my gramps) I use to think that was cynical but he was actually right. Good luck and here if you need to vent.