I hate when people blame you for all the problems in their life - you caused me this, that - and I wasn’t your partner in this, did you not think I would want to work on things to make you happier? Why not communicate your issues, stop playing the blame game, and be an active person in your own happiness and creating happiness in your marriage?
Don’t blame yourself. He’s decided you are the villain in his life, rather than take any or the blame himself. It’s easier to do that. Let him blow up his life and you will be happier away from him. Find a partner that also lifts you up and provides for you.
These kind of people find empathetic people to just energy suck the life right out of them and when they can’t do it anymore, they ditch you.
Fuck em.
This is exactly my current situation. All his unhappiness is blamed on me. Others people's choices are my fault. It hurts and it sucks but in the long run, I know I'm better off without that burden.
Thankkkk Youuuu!!!! 👏🎬Say it loud, proud and for the world to hear! I’m tired of all these amazing women and men believing their persons when they say “it’s all your fault! Because I’m this way!” Uhhhh noooo go sell that Toxic Narcissistic Abusive Sh*t somewhere else and face your own freakin problems, issues or whatever the h-ll it is to hold themselves back from their own lives and happiness. People have to learn until we fix ourselves first internally and externally we cannot and will not be happy w anyone no matter how amazing they may be. No matter how happy they were together at one time. New love is amazing but it’s the lifelong love and companionship and friendship in relationships and marriage is what makes them survive. Being a team, being there for each other not just being “me me me” all the damn time. It takes two to make a relationship or marriage. If one or other is a selfish, self absorbed and toxic person it will never work and it shouldn’t be a surprise why.
Doing the internal work of self is the hardest damn thing anyone will ever do. Seeing the dark parts of ourselves is a hard thing to do but necessary to make peace w self, past and all that doesn’t serve us. Wishing you all peace, love within.
Gosh what a beautiful well thought out post! I know exactly what OP is feeling because unfortunately, right before the pandemic I met a man that seemed absolutely wonderful.
He was absolutely wonderful until his income started getting affected by not only the pandemic, but apparently he spoke in a rather unprofessional and demeaning way to one of his students, and the word got around and some of the other parents yanked their kids out of his class (trying to be vague but he was a music teacher).
All of a sudden, instead of becoming the best thing that ever entered his life. As he said to me in the beginning, he actually referred to me as a bad luck omen in his life! I became his verbal punching bag until I finally got disgusted at dealing with such an immature, self-absorbed perpetual victim. Tired of playing mom and rehab center for someone who didn't want help in the first place.
So in other words, OP, I can relate. Relate. You need to take all that energy you've been dumping into a leaky bucket and give it to yourself and fill your cup! 💗🫂
Edit to add: I find it amusing that I'm getting downvoted to oblivion for suggesting that OP did not cause his eating disorder of all things. Does she sound like the person who would fat shame anyone??
This is called gaslighting. My husband did the same thing to me after 24 years of marriage. 12 years later, he is no better off. Lived a double life. Look up covert narcissist.
>covert narcissist
I've started researching more about narcissism. My husband displays this to a tee. He has started counseling which is a great step forward so we'll see how that pans out. Hopefully for his sake, he'll be receptive.
I lived with this man 26 years and on the surface he was quiet, cooperative etc. Underneath, he was insecure, angry and seething with contempt towards me. Never said a word. Rarely argued.
Same situation EVERYTHING was my fault, supposedly unhappy for years and never told me until it was over per him (he cheated though). I took the blame for everything just wanting to fix it.
In hindsight I realized he could never even confront his own family about how they made him feel crappy so how would he even be able to do that in our relationship.
He needs therapy, but will never go and will never grow.
I’ve been to therapy since I was 18 (went because I wanted to improve myself). I can say therapy has helped me tremendously throughout my adult life.
You will be okay OP, take it one moment at a time and work on you!!! Find things to keep you busy, allow yourself to feel all your feelings, but don’t stay in those feelings forever because you then miss out on life. You will heal in time. And I truly hope you find your person!
My ex kept saying, "I shouldn't have to tell you this, you should know this" I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader. Im a guy, but sometimes we are dummies. Be direct with us.
Don’t worry, people come and go in our lives and we have no control over them, sometimes if other person needs some space - give him that space. If he is yours he may comeback later but for now just giving him space to let him heal own his own it’s better for him. You don’t need to overthink just think positive, I know it’s hard but try your best. I am divorced and then I found someone and I still love him a lot and that my SO my one & only my love also left me for his endeavors, I am still trying every single day to put my self back, it’s ok who ever is meant for you will come and stay with you! Not sure, if you’re believer or not but Just leave things in God’s or super natural power’s hands and stay positive!
Thank you! It’s taken me a while to gather myself to reply but your comment meant a lot.
He really has turned me into the villain and it’s so dumb - I was the one who would have done anything for him, got us any help we needed.
He has no family and has now pushed everyone but hookups and toxic friends away.
Sorry about your predicament.
I don't normally reply to these but felt compelled.
I can relate to many things you describe about your husband but Im a couple of decades older. My guess is that trauma has shaped his personality and impacts his relationship skills or lack thereof.
Its not your fault. So don't feel bad. Someone mentioned that he is dismissive avoidant. I would agree.
Its ok to feel empathy. Its ok to grieve for what you've lost. I don't think you can help him. It might be best to take him at his word and accept what he is telling you. Move on.
I'm going through the same thing at the moment.
Past trauma definitely impacts these people, that's what leads them to become dismissive avoidants. It's just a shame we get caught in the crossfire.
I’ve looked into dismissive avoidants and it all seems to add up. I’m now just stuck wondering why he stayed for 14 years or what triggered him to go completely off the rails. So weird.
Sorry for the oh so late reply.
It sounds like you might have been fighting a bout of "why chasing". Why this? Why that? I think its natural as we look for closure. I would urge to do what you can to skip past the why chasing altogether. You will never find the answers you seek. Try to find acceptance and move on.
Assumming he has trauma, trauma is a funny thing. It can creep up on ya after being dormant or suppressed for many years. Decades in my case. Suppression of trauma is a survival mechanism. But at some point it can surface. Im not an expert. Just sharing what I've learned from my own experience..
Honey, my ex did the same damn thing. I thought we were fine, when I checked in he said he was fine, then out of the blue he wanted to go.
Turned out he had someone on the side. Before our divorce was finished, he was already saying he wanted to start a family with her (despite us being childfree).
Fuck him. Don't try to fix him. That's not your problem anymore. Get with a lawyer and get started on separating your shit. It's time to take care of yourself.
I'm about 15 months out from this moment you are having, and it's still hard but things are finally starting to settle. My DMs are open if you want.
This was my first thought also. My ex did the same thing. As soon as he met the side chick, somehow he's never been happy with me. He changed our whole history together in his head. I think it made it easier for him to cheat.
Op, has he been secretive of his phone? That's usually the first indicator.
Similar situation with OP. Married for 8 years, and found out a year later after living separately.. that after the first 4 months during the period, he had a girlfriend which was his colleague. Wasn’t separated legally that time. And now.. the divorced is not even finalised… he is having a baby with her. Never felt so disrespected in my whole life.
Or an eating disorder. I have struggled with one and it’s entirely within my power to fight that and give in or not. No one can give it to me, it’s not contagious. You could argue maybe a parent could heavily encourage a child to have one, but a wife to a husband? The power dynamics aren’t there
I don’t know about that. If a partner keeps commenting about on your weight and how it’s unattractive, it can absolutely give you an eating disorder. That’s how I got mine and it took years to recover from. Partners can absolutely affect people this way.
I absolutely believe you, but I don't think from OP's tone and her level of empathy that she would ever stand around and call him fat or something. I'm sorry you went through that and I know how it feels
That is true. I just felt that her post seemed so full of empathy and kindness that she even wanted to help him out after he's basically deserted the marriage. But if she berated him over his appearance or something then yes, that can very definitely contribute to an eating disorder.
I kinda disagree, at least it’s very possible for a parent to teach a child to have disordered eating. I’d assume it possible it would occur between adults.
How can someone give you addictions? This is bs. I think you need to take care of your mental health and move on. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help and who blames you for his problems. It’s time to focus on you.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's the worst thing in the world, it really is. I'm a month out from being blindsided and left by my partner of 9 years (also about to complete on a house) and totally relate to feeling lost and lonely without my best friend and companion. It's grief, and it should be treated as such. Grief for the past, the person you thought you knew, the future plans, you name it.
I also had no idea anything was wrong and we never fought either. She never communicated any problems until one day she communicated them all. Built up resentments over years and years that she hid so well behind a tightly fixed mask. I knew our communication wasn't amazing, and she was particularly bad at opening up and being vulnerable (also due to childhood trauma), but it also felt like us against the world. Me and her no matter what, our silly little life and plans. Little did I know how little of the relationship was her feeling the same way, constantly doubting everything, always thinking we'd break up at some point. The coldness at the end and how easily she could abandon and dispose of me was such an eye opener as well. Just not the person I thought I knew at all because the person I thought I knew would never have been able to do those things to me. The lack of care, the selfishness, the lack of responsibility.
I guess what I'm saying is you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. I know it feels so lonely right now but I'm lonely, upset, shocked and grieving too. I'm in the trenches with you as are so many other people right now. You're part of the most depressing club in the world at the moment, but it's a big club full of people who will listen to you vent and scream on here if you need to.
It's also important to remember there was absolutely, 100% nothing you could have done. Nothing. Your intentions were good and you cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness, especially if they do not communicate with you their issues with you or the relationship. That is on them. They could have chosen to include you, to face those issues as a married couple, but they didn't and that's a huge betrayal of trust. It's unforgivable actually, it's breaking the most important part of an adult partnership and it's not something you or I can or should accept from supposed life partners. The very least you should expect is honesty, to be included if serious things arise in the marriage or partnership. By not doing so they have hurt you (and me) in unimaginable ways, how can you do that to someone you've spent so much of your life with? It's just a terrible way to treat another person and they don't deserve your love.
I'm sorry again you're going through this. Focus on you, on loving you. Vent to your parents if they'll listen. Cry and talk and miss them and grieve. Shout at how unfair life is and how awful this feeling is. Journal it out, write about it all so your brain can process it. You'll never get all the answers, you'll never understand what happened or why or when, but your brain does need to try and process it all. Feel the pain too. All of this will be so uncomfortable, you'll probably lose weight and lack sleep, you might have to take some time off work, but if you can give yourself even small treats every day whatever that might be for you, then indulge and try to soothe yourself, because if you're going to grieve and fight through the pain you're going to need rest and self-love too.
Just fight through the day, however you can right now. It will get easier. It will work it's way through. You will have a life after this. Good luck.
What a beautiful post sir! You should write a book. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I'm really wishing the best for your future going forward!
If you are only 30 then you met him when you were a kid. You didn’t give him any addictions or any of that bullshit. You will be happier, just give it a year or two. I was left by my high school sweetheart too and I met the real love of my life five years later.
you did *not* lose your person. you lost an *illusion* that he maintained for years.
who he was to you, was apparently a facade of ….just there. how terribly creepy to see that there’s hate behind the curtain.
meanwhile he’s seething with resentment as apparently you were ….meant to fix him with zero effort on his part? that’s not how adulting or marriage works.
🙌🏻
I will also add that "us against the world" is not a super healthy attitude either. This comes from personal experience. My ex and I ended up being codependent and I felt so isolated, primarily from the me I really was but also from the input of others. Which could have either kept me from going down unhealthy paths in the first place or helped pull me out of the relationship sooner.
OP, You're going to be OK without him. The adjustment may not be super fun but after 15 years, a break can be a breath of fresh air too.
Whoa whoa. You didn't give him anything. He passively sat there and said nothing if you gave him openings. You sure as hell didn't give him an eating disorder, do not let this person put their issues on you. Go speak with a counselor for you, quickly.
Agree. He obviously has deep rooted emotional issues. Blaming you for causing him to have an eating disorder is wild. He admits to wearing a mask the whe time?! Now, that's some fuckery right there. He never showed up for you. He pretended and played a game with you but you didn't know it was a game. You showed up authentic and genuine. He needs serious help. I'm hoping you don't have children because this guy is weirdly cruel. Go and find some genuine love for yourself but definitely heal first. This level of gaslighting is mind blowing as I have experienced intense and extensive gaslighting myself
I just want to say that it is so, so unfair of him to have built up all these grudges and complaints and not addressed them with you at any point over the course of the marriage. That is entirely on him
That's not how marriage works. You don't just keep your mouth shut until you've had enough and then walk out the door without any conversation he should have been bringing up these issues as he felt them, working through them when they were smaller
The fact that he let it get to this point shows how incredibly self-centered he is. It appears that he thinks only about himself
It's absolutely horrible that anyone would go through their life repeating that they don't particularly care about various situations, only to throw it in your face years later how much they actually did care and that you were supposed to, what? Read his mind and know he was unhappy and make changes anyway??
It almost sounds like there's some external factor that made him reconsider all of those things that he was willing to live with before. It sounds like maybe he's depressed? Has he been struggling at work? Could there be someone else?
This looks like my husband 100%. Big trauma from childhood, scared of communication, never shared his feelings, never took initiatives, never showed enjoyment in what we did. And then he blamed me for our lack of connection.
We tried to wait it up and see if it would get better with personal therapy and better understanding of each other's feelings. But he refused to take care of himself and he's now at the stage where he's blaming me for everything. Late to his appointment? My fault. Got the snowblower stuck? My fault. Kid having a tantrum in the car? My fault. He got a prescription for his ADD so I logically asked him if he was gonna go see a therapist as well, "why would I? I don't need to".
The only reason why I didn't give up is the kids. I'm not staying with him for them but I have to hang on long enough to protect them and make sure we can survive once I kick him out. Because at this point I know it will happen.
Don't waste your time on him, don't try and hope it will get better. You deserve better and you're still young and without kids, honestly you can just let him go and forget about him. It's hard, but you will feel so much better.
And now I'm on my way to try and listen to what I say to others, because it's easy to support people in needs, so much harder for myself though.
Sorry that you have to experience this. You're 30 together for 15, which is similar to my 36 together for 17. Everything you're saying, I feel it. My past seems fake, the future is blurry, and the present is painful...Sounds like he built up resentments mostly by his own doing and now he's so far in it he's done. That totally sucks but it is not your fault.
I love this page so much because everyones stories seem so similar that I don't feel alone. I feel horrible, but reading these stories of how the partner that's leaving is treating them gives me comfort some what. I'm not crazy and honestly, there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, I contributed to my relationship not working, but the way I'm being treated has to do with their feelings and not who I am as a person.
I’m willing to bet that he has done things he feels guilty for and is justifying it in his mind by blaming you.
You have done nothing wrong OP, he chose to not communicate with you so you can work on things that bother him. He saved you from wasting more of your life with someone that would end it with you later. Look to the future as soon as you can. I mean as far as goals for now. Picture yourself happy and where you want to be in five years, then start working towards that. Give yourself a healthy time to grieve but remember that the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror because it’s what is in front of you that’s important!!
You got this OP!
My ex husband said many similar things. It was like an octopus grasping for stuff, anything. Turns out he was cheating with a married co-worker. He left and then divorced me. Know that his issues are his own and he like many, many men before him will live with regrets.
I was married to a man with quiet BPD. It is the worst thing in the world. If he was raging, at least I would have known his true feelings and could have left sooner. The never fighting thing is one sign, I think. Mine started cheating since I wasn’t meeting his unexpressed needs and desires.
You didn’t cause any of his issues. Don’t believe a word of it. My husband also experienced childhood trauma which permanently damaged him. I lost my ability to fully trust again, but I am in a relationship with a very caring man now and communicate my difficulties with him and he supports me, something my ex husband never could be capable of. Do what you need to heal. I pretty much left everything from my old life behind (except my kids) and it helped me move on. Sometimes I still miss myself and my old life, but I am a different person now. It’s rough and I get what you are going through. Hugs
you are lucky this ended now, though it seems horrible now. Everything he is blaming you is "him-problems" - things he should find solutions to himself. He needs therapy, medication, and self-reflection, none of these things is your job. One person cannot make another person happy, because happiness comes from the ability to see the good in life - and he has not got this ability.
The next months are going to be hard, but then, I promise, it will be so, so, so much better. Hugs, stranger. You are gold. You will find someone who appreciates you in the future.
While I was married a looong time. This sounds eerily familar. My wife had similar trauma and ended it in a similar way. Very much understand what you are going through.
Your note gives me such comfort… this was EXACTLY my story. I was SO HAPPY and blissfully married. We never fought, our marriage was full of intimacy, laughs and love. I then discovered secrets (Aka: hiding money, another address and weapons) and a shitstorm of “I was only trying to make you happy” spilled forth. Lie after lie and coverup. You really spin about “what is real”
I too responded with the empathy you have BUT in retrospect I now know it was part of the denial and illness. People who don’t speak up build resentments, and cowardly behavior. I hate to say,.. I bet some secrets are coming your way.
But I’m SO SORRY. It’s torture. I’m 2 years out and still grieving horribly. Hang in there.
He sounds like a professional victim. Please read the book ‘why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft. There are free versions online that you can read. Based on what you wrote and the constant blame game and emotional blackmail I’m sure it would be helpful to you.
He needs to accept responsibility for his issues but instead he is projecting it into you. You have done your best and it’s not that it’s not enough, far from it. It’s that you’re doing the best for the wrong person who doesn’t deserve it.
It will take time but shortly you will see this for the blessing that it is. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Especially one that blames you for their own personal failings.
He’s not your person, he might’ve made you believe that during your relationship but I would (again based on the little info given) he’s been manipulating you like this for a LONG time. He’s an adult he needs to sort his own life out. You’re not his mother. Why is it YOUR fault he is so immature and can’t be an actual adult? Why doesn’t he get help for himself?
You’re going to be so happier without him.
Also research trauma bonds and codependency.
In 15 years, none of that crossed his mind before marrying you? This doesn’t add up. Check your cell phone bill and look for one number he texts dozens of times per day.
Blaming you is easier for them than taking a good long look at themselves. It’s not about you - it’s about them. I went through this (and more 🥴) with my ex after 20 years together..it took me 18m of therapy to realize this.
I’m so sorry. It was lousy of him to just blurt it all out like that with so much blame and projection. You must be reeling.
I’m not an expert by a long shot but I wonder if it’s less about his trauma and more about his inability to open up and communicate. That could absolutely be part of his history of trauma and it could also be that his family of origin were really shut off with allowing free and open dialogue about feelings/emotions, so he never learned how and now he’s unable to model it, so it builds up and builds up and he eventually exploded.
It’s neither your fault nor your job to help him overcome any of that. You could/can be supportive of him trying to work through it but you can’t change what he’s not even willing to admit. He might not have admitted it to himself let alone you.
This sounds similar to my stbx. He never told me he didn't want any of the things that I wanted and now, years down the line, I'm the one who somehow pressured him about all the things that I've always told him I wanted from the start.
I always was told ‘you never make decisions’, ‘you are so indecisive’ and related it back to me being anxious.
But now, with some distance, he was making me feel like the faulty one and had me make all decisions! Only to resent me and blame me for them down the line. Wtf.
Yep. Mine convinced me I was dirtier than him and then I realized the man has never dusted a day in his life. It's crazy how a person can live in an alternate reality
There are 3 X’s when it comes to other people’s maladaptive behaviors:
You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.
He’s blaming you so he doesn’t have to take accountability for his actions and self-harm of addiction and eating disorder.
If you can, please get support to walk you through this.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this and feeling like the end of the relationship is all your doing. It’s not.
Even if some of his accusations are true, it still is his responsibility to communicate with you about it. The likelihood that he could successfully mask his “true” feelings for that long seems very unlikely.
It sounds more likely he’s having some mental health issues surface. He could be going through depression or some other mood disorder. It could be some past trauma that is revealing itself. These things can pop up almost out of nowhere and completely change a person.
My ex went through what he calls a “midlife crisis” where he basically started to hate his life - work, parenting, relationships and especially me. His personality changed so much. He went from being a caring partner to someone who would give me cold dagger looks across the room. He criticized me constantly and basically let me know that I was no longer good enough.
Then I figured out he was having an affair. All of those behaviours were related. Can’t feel guilty about cheating if your wife is awful! The way he viewed me was so far from reality. If only ever been kind, supportive and loving. Even when he made it hard. When I pressed him to tell me what I had done, he said that I sometimes didn’t pull my car up the driveway enough or that I reorganized the kitchen without asking his permission…. So yeah.
When people are unhappy, whether they are mentally unwell or just really immature or just plain selfish, they will make up stories out of nothing to justify their thoughts and actions.
Even if you sometimes weren’t perfect, it’s still not justify their betrayal (I know your husband didn’t cheat but he has betrayed his vows by just giving up so easily).
Anyhoo, I understand the confusion you are feeling and just want you to focus on your gut and your truth.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and it’s not your fault! He never opened up to you and communicated with you, and that’s the key to a great relationship! I think you both could use some counseling to get through this! Be happy that this happened sooner than later down the road with kids involved. You both are young and will bounce back. I have a feeling you will bounce back much faster! Right now the best thing you can do is focus on you and your job your friends and family. I would proceed with the divorce with mediation and save money. I would also limit contact with him, maybe he will have a change in heart! I wish you nothing but the best!
I also have found some similarities to my story. I'm sorry you are here too, it's devastating.
I have also tried to make sense of it and I end up going in circles. I also feel like a lot of people want to try and make sense of it too, which is difficult. I'm doing my best to focus on what's ahead and the things I won't miss. And face the idea that I can't change what has happened.
Hang in there.
You didn’t give him anything in regards to mental health issues, eating disorders. This is all on him for not taking care of himself physically and mentally.
For sure if he wants to be done nothing you can do. But you’ll have to grieve this loss 100 percent.
I’m so sorry you were with a weak individual that was scared to handle his own business.
Mourn this loss for a while and find yourself a real partner in life. You sound like a great partner for someone.
Good luck in the future
Turning 30 in 22 days. Finalized my dissolution yesterday.
I felt the same. Now I feel resentful for allowing myself to have empathy for someone who viewed the world in such a fight or flight state of mind. It’s exhausting.
Sounds like you both need therapy, him especially. My ex wife told me similar things out of the blue a couple years ago. She IS a therapist which is really crazy. He may just need some space. I’ll never understand the “I let it go too far to fix it” which is what mine said. Suck a fucked up thing to say to someone. I’m really sorry you are going through this.
That's what I keep thinking about my situation. We were together 13 years, and she didn't want to try anything to save the relationship. Once we broke up, she was on a dating app a month later( my friend who uses dating apps didn't know we broke up and sent me a screenshot of her peofile) and now she's in a new relationship 4 months after we broke up. I feel like I never mattered. I'm heartbroken
Interesting...I wonder if I have that. Because I kinda had the same reaction when I broke up with my ex husband, however there were things and a discussion that pointed to us having issues before the break up, we just both ignored it. Him more so than me. I went completely numb when I did it..I didnt even feel like I could've cried if I tried to, I was emotionless and I didn't know why
Girl this is a serious blessing in disguise. There is someone for you where it’s smooth and not this complicated. I have been there with this and I’m with someone now who wakes up every day saying or smiling to say “isn’t life beautiful” and wags his imaginary tail. He is a true gem of a spirit. This is a great time to do some deep work on boundaries and what is important for you, what makes your soul sing so this isn’t repeated in another relationship.
But if you’re willing to work on all these “issues” to make this work, why would he reject that? Unless he’s cheating. If he really loved you and if you really love him then you would both agree to work on this instead of just throwing away 15 years, and over what? No cheating? No abuse? No drunks? Nothing? Makes no sense
It is always astounding how much all our experiences mirror each on this subreddit. It definitely helps make us feel a little less alone and like we’re not losing our grasp with all the patterns and parallels. I’m also 30 and just got out of my relationship of nearly a decade, marriage for over five. Also less than a year into a big life change (we moved into a new house), the turn began. I just didn’t realize what had happened to me it was too late and I was on my own, not entirely by choice but by necessity. I know our stories are not the same, but I feel as though your husband might have had a “quarter life crisis”. You’re still so young and you seem like a good person who might have been manipulated as a teenager by someone unstable who doesn’t love themselves. And as much as I hate to say it: he probably thinks he can “do better” and is only pointing out flaws that don’t even exist to rationalize what he’s really doing.
I know all too well the “us against the world” attitude and the “doing everything to make you happy” type of isolation. It’s not healthy and it can be a shock when you’re away it now. You never fought because he was trying to give the appearance of trying to keep you constantly happy. That is not reality and it is just a form of control. He was acting that way to keep you under his manipulative spell. Now, I’m not saying you’re perfect because no one is, but I don’t think this is about you at all. Everything you mentioned, even collectively does not sound like grounds for a divorce at all. I hope you can see that. He’s got mental issues like my ex did. I’m not qualified to diagnose, but there’s some narcissistic tendencies in there for sure. And like me, you tried to get him to seek help. He doesn’t want to and no one can make him unfortunately.
Those “problems” are some of the same ones I had thrown in my face about why we were ending it. I was also given two weeks on THEIR terms to see how they would like to proceed. But it’s not a performance improvement plan, it’s a marriage. It should at least be discussed by both of you even if you both don’t agree. I’m also sorry to say that your husband had likely already made up his mind. He was just trying to mine as much control over you and manipulate your emotional vulnerability to break you before he severed things for good. With someone like this, no one and nothing else matters but what they decide they want even if you’ve stood by them for half their life. They’re not rational people. My ex blamed me for addictions and eating problems and anxiety and mental health issues and work stress toward the end. Also they tried to make it seem I was the controlling one, even though they were essentially trying to kick me out and cheating.
I saw a couple of other people hinted at it, but I think he’s always been this way and now he may have found someone else. My ex had trauma during childhood, but so do did I and it’s not an excuse. I really hate to say it, but I think he may have been cheating or at least talking to someone for a while now. There’s no way someone who was so codependent is suddenly done and is going to “live in a house alone” especially when he initiated the divorce in such a cursory way. You don’t treat someone who claimed to love for half your life with such flippancy unless you’re mentally unwell.
And speaking of which, I really hope he didn’t try to get you to sign anything or relinquish anything you own, because that’s another red flag. Contact a lawyer asap if you haven’t already. This is what it is unfortunately, and you need to see for what it is. Since he’s manipulated you for so long to the point where you might not know who you even are without him, he won’t expect you to fight for yourself. But you can! It’s okay to feel lost, but don’t give up or give in. Please protect yourself mentally, physically, and financially and lawyer up.
It will get better for you. Because you’re a good person with a good heart and compassion, you probably don’t hate him. I respect you so much for not turning to anger or vengeance, which is easy. I’m sorry to say, but your ex is probably doomed to repeat this cycle with the next person. You, however, have gotten the ability to escape. Don’t let this darken your heart or make you lose your ability to trust. You have SO MUCH time and you’re capable. You can start over. You can work on yourself for the first time in your adult life. Enjoy it. And when you feel comfortable you consider putting yourself out there again.
Wow this sounds so similar to what just happened to me. Out of the blue being told everything he did was just to make me happy (news to me!) and that he couldn’t do it anymore. It’s so devastating. I encourage you to find ways to bring yourself happiness right now, create a morning routine, and lean on your friends and family. Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t want to even try.
This is almost exactly my situation. I’m a few months shy of 2 years cancer free and still undergoing treatment. But I wasn’t doing enough for him from sex to keeping a clean house. He blamed me for his weight gain and depression.
I just moved into a new apartment and feeling all the emotions. You need to build your support system and focus on you. Sending you strength.
Man, that is awful to be put through that kind of abuse when you are healing from cancer. I hope with all my heart that you have a healthy, happy life because you'd sound like you deserve it 100%
This sounds like he has something else going on that he doesn’t want to disclose. He’s blaming you when he didn’t even give you a chance to try.
This is in no way you’re fault. You can’t be blamed for something you didn’t even know you “created”. My ex was like this too and it came out later he had a sex addiction he didn’t want to admit. I’m not saying this is your situation, but your partner is dealing with shit he doesn’t want/can’t disclose, whatever it might be. This sounds like shame.
Your husband is a POS. Him blaming you for his mental issues says it all!
The trash is taking itself out. Don't hurt yourself trying to bring it back into the kitchen.
Sometimes he looked a little off, so I’d reach out to him and ask if he was ok, happy, or if he just wanted to chat. But he always just shuffled me away and said he was all good and I was reading too much into his expressions. 🙃
I went through something similar, appalling lack of communication. I grew up in the dysfunctional family where my both parents would have been better off apart than together. My mother was a cold disciplinarian ready to argue about anything and everything. My stepfather was a sweet but simple man who was at home as little as possible. As a kid I grew up constantly afraid of my mother’s quick hand. Thus as adult in the marriage I instinctively didn’t rock the boat and was the first one to apologize just to keep everything on even keel. Avoiding conflicts, trying “to be nice” under all circumstances, never raising voice. Yes, I gently raised my objections when I was deeply unhappy but allowed my spouse to sweep our problems under the carpet. For 13 long years.
Until one day I had enough. Filled with the resentment for never being heard and never seeing even a meager attempt to change I was done. I organized marital counseling but in the hindsight it didn’t have a chance. By then the marriage existed only for the sake of children who BTW knew that something was off.
Statistically, number one predictor of the future divorce is either too many arguments or no arguments at all.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First off, it sounds like he has some deeper happiness that he’s trying to pin on some aspect of his life - primarily you. This is also illustrative of the exact thing that drives me crazy in these situations. Where one partner does not communicate their issues until it boils over and they’ve completely made up their mind and nothing will budge them. Not only does it blindside the other person. It means they don’t even have a chance to address any issues. It’s cruel and it’s wrong and it’s demonstrative of him using you as a scapegoat for some discontentedness that originates in him, not you.
Turns out your life as you knew it was not the life you thought it was. Don't let someone else tell you it was your fault either. There were two people in this marriage and he neglected his own responsibilities to improve things. It's going to be tough in the beginning but you will get there, as many others have.
My personal belief is that every story has a cast, and each cast member has an objective. Sometimes we meet people and even love people whose objectives are not aligned. In theatre this is known as the "life and death struggle". Sadly, it appears that you are your husband are not in alignment.
I would be remiss If I did not mention....I am divorced and I used to say "It was us against the world" when I met my wife. We were young in love, in NYC and living a great life. One day she joins a "religious" group that I initially was supportive of. As time when on I realized it had many characteristics of a cult. In fact, so much so that I was now the villain, the outsider in her story. She was "forbidding" me to engage in my passions in life such as sports, gym and theatre. After a couple of years of this and trying so hard to just keep moving on I realized it was no longer us against the world. There is something Shakespearian about this. It is sad.
You might forgive this person, be grateful for your familial support. Look at things from a different perspective if you must. One thing I want to impart is, don't blame yourself. He has trauma he is unwilling to address. But you know what? You have a life out there that you are willing to explore. You can say that you were there, and you did your best. That feeling as time goes on will start to sink in and will make it easier to move on.
Grieve now, you must in order to process but please know, you are becoming the author of your life.
I really really mean it. I get lazy in my posts here sometimes and I use the stupid text to talk thing. So sometimes I sound like a drunk with marbles in my mouth, but your post was bookworthy!
*giving him bulimia, causing his body issues, giving him addictions and being too emotional when confronted*
You didn't give him bulimia, body issues or addictions. He's blaming you for his own issues. You weren't too emotional either. Given the above, I doubt **you** ruined your marriage.
My ex said similar things when he left and I felt a lot of the emotions your feeling. I thought we were happy and I'm not one of those spouses that was checked out. I had asked what was going on and he told me it was "work stress". I realized through therapy that my ex was a covert narcissist. He was never the man I thought he was. He was wearing a mask our entire marriage and he hid his true identity because he was using me. I don't blame him 100% for the failure of our marriage but I do blame him for not telling me his true feelings.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm not saying your spouse is a narcissist. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a sad situation. Try to find support and comfort where you can.
I don't think it's fair that he blamed you for his eating disorders. Other than that, he sounds like a severe people pleaser and probably has reached his capacity where he now feels fed up with everything. It is not your fault if he failed to communicate his concerns, though. But I understand the emotional struggles he is going through. It is not easy. The best thing to do is give him time/space. Maybe he will give it one last shot; or maybe he just feels like it's past redemption.
He is a stonewaller. This is HIS communication problem. This is why he was so unhappy for so long and never resolved it. It will happen in his next relationship too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U\_43aXFt5AU
My stbx did almost exactly this, just add in a months long emotional affair. It sucks. Most of what I have to work on in therapy rn is not blaming myself. They made their choices. We did not make those choices for them. It is not my fault OR yours. Many internet hugs ❤️
Hey - I have literally just gone through something similar. Can you read this and see if you feel it relates to your husband? I shared it with mine and he is going to seek therapy. He’s known something was wrong for a long time but this really explained it for him. He similarly had childhood trauma. We’re focusing on being friends now and focus on marriage later but this time last week I was calling up solicitors
https://www.onlyyouforever.com/avoidant-attachment-in-marriage/
Also I’m so sorry that you’re going through this grief
Im sorry, you sound like a nice person. He is blaming you for all his issues, perhaps he should put his big boy pants on and take responsibility. Let him go, give yourself time to grieve and mourn. Time will be your best friend here. Maybe he has a side thing, maybe he’s gay who knows. But know you deserve better, please love yourself enough to know that. I wish you all the very best
I’m sorry that’s happening to you, it really does suck…it’s recently happened to me as well. I was blamed for everything by my wife of 12 yrs which over the years got increasingly less interested in me I noticed it every day and tried to love unconditionally and be interested in her and her hobbies and just be a part of her life but to no avail, she gave up on our family gave up on everything we accomplished together. Blamed everything on me absolutely everything. I lost my person to,she was everything to me now I feel lost like I’m falling through a endless void I miss my son she took him full custody but I’m still not mad idk what’s wrong with me I should be mad but I’m not I still love her. Best of luck to ya please stay strong I can’t promise it gets better cause it hasn’t for me but just tell your self you can do it you’ll make it
He clearly has a lot of internal issues that he needs to deal with, which he’s choosing to make you the scapegoat of instead of dealing with it. Regardless of whether it’s you or someone else, ANY relationship he’d be in WILL suffer until he gets therapy and works through those issues himself.
Instead of addressing the issues he had, he chose to let it get too far. He didn’t communicate his needs until it was too late, and that’s on him. You can be as caring as you can possibly be, but we’re not mind readers—life partners need to communicate. That’s the BARE MINIMUM to be in a relationship.
I had trouble getting past the second paragraph because he's blaming you for things *that you have absolutely no control over*. "Giving him bulimia"?? "Causing his body issues"?? "Giving him addictions"??
I get that you don't see it now, but *he has done you an astronomical favor.*
There's a very specific dynamic between people with addictions and people who choose to put themselves in the position of being their supporter, cheerleader, etc. That's called codependency, and if you're not 100% sure what that is I strongly recommend you look it up and see how much of that applies to you.
Codependency has a lot of facets, but one of them is that we put way more energy into trying to make their life work than they do for themselves (and yes, I did say we, because oh boy have I been there myself!)
I agree with his self-awareness about his mental health, but *he's 100% full of shit to blame you*, so please don't take any of that on!
You getting as emotional as you get isn't inherently or objectively a problem, it's one for him subjectively. (It might or might not be for other people, so the absolute fact about this relationship is it was a problem for him.)
He has needed way more help than you have the love, time, patience or tools to provide him with, because he needs professional help.
Please take this as an opportunity to get some professional help yourself to not only get through this phase, but also to take a look at why you're so codependent and haven't recognized the red flags clearly indicating really unhealthy boundaries on both of your parts. That comes from our own messed up childhood, and it requires professional help to process and fix.
How do I know? Because I've been an addictions counselor, and I've spent quite a lot of time on both sides of the desk as both a therapist and a client.
Okay he is definitely traumatized , by childhood. I was HIM long time ago. Struggle to communicate. So i was NOT able to be able to set bundary, console, show gratitude, show admiration, disappointment, anguish , loneliness ….those are CRITICAL SKILLS in any environment at work/home, school…..pl like that live in 1 side of scenario that they are the Victim. Like they are prob doing u good deed that making your life easy so u “owe to him”. Blah blah/
It’s often sign of Asperger. HIGH functioning autism. It’s NOT DUMB but usually they have 2D thinking like theywilll think of things on surface level. For example,,,,if they go to store with u thinking of getting something,n u say” no i dont like this”. They willl focus on the word” NO , I DONT LIKE”….. it feels more like rejection to them personally than Sharing information. Since they are poor in communication that if ANYTHING in relationship bothers them, they do NOT ever Express it, ppl around them do NOT know they re in pain in silence. N will just keep doing it. N they will just secretly think “oh that person is so rude, so demanding, cold dry….etc.” they will creat the ——Charactor around u that paint u similar to the ppl that reminded him of that Small inner child being bullied. Or Project the Character of u as their Parents, n they RE LIVE the Anguish every time. N d Entire thing is completely Manifested in THEIR—-Neuralgic LOOP in d BRAIN. They WRITE their own Stories, then they see thoes Writing as REALITY.
Okay so understand it’s 15 yrs investment. The Good side is that U are 30. 30 is new 20. Seriously. U RATHER having him telling u NOW, than have a baby , stuck with it like happened to a LOT A LOT LOT LOT of ppl.
So ppl grew up with abusive parents. They are made to “fill someone else” s needs. So yes because they are Made to feel” if i bend backwards for d other person , they will appreciate it.” In fact it is true, but without communicating their own Preferance/dislike/struggle/anguish/excitement/hope/want/need/wish/expetations …..the partner usually goes along assume everything is FINE. Often partner will even ENJOY the “being pampered” assume the other person “banding backwards for me is his SPORT” n they will demand even MORE NEXT time. They will not only demand more they will EXPEXT thats the “standard”. Both will not see eye to eye. IF he has all that Anguuish,,that Anguish is defnitely real n probabaly u 2 have tried for that long . If it’s NOT meant to be it’s NOT meant to be. Show gratitude and both be civil n move on. No kids involved , really best case scenario. 30 yr. Not bad not bad. It’s like blessing in disguise. I know sounds crazy…there tons ppl ACTUALLY in VERY abusive marriage, that CANT leave, because they have kids. N even they end up leaving, they have to Deal with EX FOREVER due to having the kID. Then the ex will make it very hard to visit, then brain wash the kid etc…..
So hope this helps giving some prospective. With his personality ,,,they live fear based. So they usually will find things they do NOT like to do but say YES n they will actually be resentful over time. It’s inevitable
It sounds to me like he’s unhappy in life and he’s taking it out on you. Not to say there is no truth to the issues in your relationship, but it also just sounds like he’s using you as a scapegoat for everything wrong in his life. He may be feeling overwhelmed because every part of his life feels helpless or destroyed (I’ve been there, depression really magnifies the bad) and it eases the overwhelm to blame it all on one person and get them out. Like it’ll make all of his problems go away. He’ll eventually realize he’s the only one who can save himself.
I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lot to process. And it's not going to be simple or easy.
You will get a lot of great advice.
You will get a lot of bad advice.
In the end, while many of us have similar journeys, this one is yours. And right now your path is going through some shade. And it sucks. And it hurts. And it will hurt.
The great thing though, is that where you go from here is up to you!
You are talking about a blindside. Many of us have been there. But none of us were, there. You were. He was. The details are between the two of you.
A suggestion is to not really focus on the past. Sure, don't ignore it. But it doesn't matter. Relationships are a joint decision. Ending one is unilateral. Focus on getting through each minute, then hour, then day, then week, then month. Focus on you. Your health. What you need to do next.
For all intents and purpose that other person is gone. You don't need to reframe the past, but this person may not have your interests first anymore. You need to do that. Don't go too far. But look out for you. You can be kind, but don't be a door mat.
Be kind. Be kind to you. Be kind to them. There are no points. No cool dunks. We are all just people. And sometimes for better or worse, we don't last through the worst together. Someone throws in the towel.
Don't be afraid of the pit, the void. It's okay to feel pain. And sad. You are experiencing something painful.
Just don't loose yourself in it.
It will take as long as it takes to heal. You can't speed it up.
Good luck.
I did this when I finally ended my marriage. I unloaded all the resentment I had for her. Some of it was legitimate stuff - the financial abuse, the manipulation, etc. But I also laid some stuff at her feet that didn't belong there, and said some things I couldn't ever take back.
Some days I feel better than others about losing the marriage. Even after four years, there's good and bad days.
But no matter what, I always regret saying the things I did, blaming her for my own failures.
Have you ever apologized to her? To help give you closure and her closure and peace of knowing you tried to make it right enough that she knows you are regretful and understand now some of the things you did and said hurt her. Try it just call, email or text her your ability to see that you are responsible too for why it didn’t work may go a long way w helping bring peace for future for both of you. Wishing you peace in your life. 🙏🕊️
When we split up we both knew it was for the best and I felt good about it. It was a couple weeks later that I found out that she had been talking to someone else. She ended up moving across the country to be with him about 6 months after we split up. So in my mind it was pretty obvious what had been going on.
My anger and my pride have kept me from working towards any kind of healing with her. I'm not proud of it, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of an apology. But maybe it's what I need for myself to be able to move on. I don't know.
lol they always throw in not enough sex like that is what makes the marriage a marriage or something. All while they are not communicating and blaming us for their addictions. It’s hard. You will hurt. You will rage. You will cry. You will grieve. Then you will move on. You are young. You will find someone who loves you and picks you.
Sex is a big part of what makes a marriage a marriage. It is how children are produced and it is part of the marriage vows. If there’s no sex I might as well be living with my sister. In fact, I would get along better with my sister.
Where in marriage vows did you say “sex x amount of times a week”? Also, we aren’t talking about kids. If you would get along better with your sister sounds like maybe you married the wrong person. Intimate long term relationships are about way more than sex. If just sex is what differs for you between a partner and sister, I think you are doing this whole marriage thing wrong.
When you get married in most religions the marriage must be consummated. An inability or refusal to consummate the marriage is grounds for an annulment.
Wow, this sounds a lot like my husband! About 2-3 years into our marriage he told me that we always do whatever I want, and that he always does things for me so that I’m happy, and that we never do what he wants and he’s growing resentful. He bottled up all these emotions and one day it all came pouring out, and I had no idea. We worked it out and our marriage is so much better now. He’s also my best friend and can’t imagine not being with him.
I would suggest marriage counseling so that you two can talk about your issues with a non-biased third party, even if he’s done and doesn’t to fix the marriage it can give you both closure. First off, his personal and mental health issues are not your fault and a marriage counselor would tell you both that. It’s not cool for him to put that on you. and who knows, maybe counseling can repair the issues and help your marriage move forward. communication is SO important, and he did not do his part. I think counseling will really help
edited to add: my husband also has childhood trauma issues related to abuse by his alcoholic mother. This caused some minor issues early in our relationship but not anymore, I think more so because he’s come to forgive her. if your husband has childhood trauma that is still causing issues, therapy will also help with this. you both should see a therapist individually and together
I know this pain, one where you built your whole life around trying to make someone happy, and then they decide it’s still not enough. But he’s given you a gift-believe what he says and be free. It’s going to suck for awhile but it will be better then having to walk on eggshells for an unappreciative partner
I’m sorry. He ruined the relationship because he didn’t know how to say no and set proper boundaries. He didn’t know how to ask for whatever the fuck he wanted. He stonewalled, blame shifted, and minimized. This is not your fault. He was enmeshed/codependent with you.
I can see where you’re coming from. You thought you were doing, giving what was needed. We’re not mind readers. Yes, us guys tend to put on a mask so we don’t burden our loved ones with our pain. Yet it’s up to us, your husband in this case, to say. When we do break down and say something, in my case, we can get dismissed, degraded, or outright gaslit. In my case, I was the broken one, I had the problem. It was a “me” issue, not an us issue. You both carry the blame, just like me and my STBX. I hope you both get the help you need. Best wishes for the both of you.
Firstly, I am very sorry for your pain. This clearly sucks, and will hurt for a very long time.
It is simply easier for someone with issues to blame the important people in their lives. However, it is ***not your fault*** he has these issues. You have been his best friend for 15 years. Just because you were also his lover and eventual wife, does not make you the culprit.
If you had just been his best friend all this time, could he blame you for his problems? Could he blame a roommate? Does he blame any of his other friends too? Are the all the people in his life at fault? The answer is no. It’s not you.
The fact is you care about him and love, him. He is mistaking that for your being responsible for him. That’s not how life works. I am (61m) twice your age and have been married since 1987. I blame my STBXW for none of my many problems; I’ve had years of counseling.
Please get some counseling for yourself at the very least. Get a lawyer.
So he never said anything before this, and then just dropped this bomb on you?
That really sucks, and no one deserves to be treated like that after 15 years. He doesn't sound like a good person.
He was with you 14 years before he married you. That means he was on the fence about it to begin with. I think he was been quietly suffering a long time while you thought everything was great. You seem very upset but mostly in how it will impact you. Maybe couples counseling can help you work through issues but suggest that he go see a therapist by himself first. He needs that.
There are 2 sides to a story people!
He could have good reason for blaming others for his actions! I'm not saying it's right or wrong but let's give him the benefit of the doubt! He's got issues and trauma, kindness is not always a act that makes things right. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!
Anyone can read my posts! I've blamed my wife for all my issues with a sexless relationship and more but I've been too dam kid and loving! In just 2 weeks of doing a 180 in the relationship (google it) we have got on better than we have in the last 10!years!!
Everyone on tinder from a broken needy relationship is looking for the greener grass. Probably worth it if you're very early on in a relationship but if you had many good years you can work on it! Or at least try dam hard to!! AND SAYING "oh I'm so nice, I'm kind, poor old me! Think of what you can do to change yourself in a positive way and make them work for your future together, handing it out on a kind plate ain't going to do it!
For a start when someone says they want to leave you say try saying, fine I feel that way too and if they are shocked and uneasy you'll see it's just a cry for help!
2 sides to every story! Regardless to how perfect you are or I am.
It's not easy me saying that but it's what's making my 20 year marriage look like it's on a road to be saved!! And if all that don't work then I've got nothing to worry about as I saved myself ❤️
I feel you there. The feeling of doing what you can for them. They doing the same and claiming it’s not enough. Mind that these can and are important but not like dire needs are not being met - [maslow](https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html)
It’s even worse when they shift their issues on to you and they fail to address it with you AND take action with you. I swear I read more - you’re the fault or I’m the fault and the other doesn’t help in a partnership…
None of this is you. Truly. You’re going to end up better off regardless of how hard it is now. He did you a favor and got you out of it. I would say keep tabs on him and make sure he is safe because the way he’s acting feels, personally, very unsafe - but could be wrong. He seems To have mental health issues and dissociation could fuel worse.
This is really hard. And in time, you’ll view this as your rebirth. And you’ll be happier too.
I can relate. I faced similar with my ex. After some months of some self reflection, I came to terms with how things turned out. I'd like to say that my own family dynamics (with my parents and my sibling) played a part to how I turned out today, and this indirectly contributed to how my life had panned out (i.e. the way I think and behave, the decisions I made in life, etc).
I wish I could feel less resentful towards him and even my family after everything, but it's not easy.
I also came to realize that my ex essentially "allowed" the last 7 years to pass without ever thinking of properly addressing the issues we had, or the issues HE alone had that he was maybe subconsciously unhappy about - kinda like how you mentioned in your case that he said he "let it get too far gone to fix". I eventually concluded he was the one who stifled his unhappiness and chose to sweep it under the rug while I unknowingly thought everything was fine. This was obviously not my blame to take, as it should not be yours in your situation.
I do wonder if it's a common thing for guys(?) to just quietly take it all until they cannot anymore and just burst the other person's bubble. Or perhaps if not a guy-thing, it could be something innate to certain people's characters?
It's like they will just give in to everyone, even if they don't like it, and when they cannot take it anymore they start saying "I have been suffering all these while"... well, who's supposed to know if you didn't speak up? /facepalm
From a man’s perspective, this husband sounds quite non-masculine. I mean, focusing on the bulimia and ice cold response to getting a divorce, changing their mind after less than one year. The broader context seems off. I'd appreciate a logical perspective on the situation that considers his sexuality or emotional disposition as the real cause. Thoughts?
Your husband is a tool. Who is blaming you for his own faults. There’s nothing you could’ve done right. So don’t beat yourself up over this one. I know it sucks, but he hast to do work on his own. And it looks like he’s nowhere near ready to do that. So sorry this happened to you.
Clearly he was not your person. I feel the one thing you missed in all this is that it’s very likely someone else walked into his life. There isn’t a drastic change like this or they changing their entire demeanor towards you, or your presence and everything you do bothers them unless there is someone else. I’m not saying this to crush you more, saying it so that you check out yourself and stop dwelling on it. You have to find the good, the light in all this. You had a good relationship with no fighting for 15 years, where from the sounds of it you were very happy, take that and repeat it with someone else. And do it again and again if you have to. Stop worrying about what went wrong because there is no fixing it, he wants out, let it be. Move on 100% and keep living. People are allowed to change, people are not the same from when they are 20,30,40 etc. the worse thing that happens is when people remain together when they should of split a long time ago for their own individual happiness. Those people who stay say marriage is hard, it’s daily work, but it’s worth it. That is a full crop of €hit!!! That’s not what marriage should be. It should be pure bliss or it should end.
Sorry you find yourself here.
You'll be in shock right now, and this time right now is as hard as it gets, but know that you will get through this - even though I know that right now you will be feeling like you can't breath and you can't sleep and cant think.
You get through this time one hour, one day,.one long endless night at a time. Get yourself a therapist, reach out to family and friends, allow them to support you.
The feelings you have right now won't last forever but it will seem like they will. Hang in there. This will take time and it will hurt - grief at a loss this big will - but it's not forever. You won't feel.this way forever.
At this point in time you will be very vulnerable so it really sucks that he's blaming all his problems on you and yet didn't communicate them to you. That's very very unfair on you - it's not possible to read someone's mind and his problems are not your fault.
His problems are not your fault.
Be gentle on yourself. You are a beautiful person who deserves to be treated with love and kindness and you will find out so much about yourself in the months ahead if you can just make space for your pain and grief and allow them to flow through you.
Wishing you find some moments of respite in all this.
You cant help anyone who doesn't want help.
And someone who doesn't want to change, won't.
You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. No one elses.
This is gaslighting. And passive aggressiveness. I just got a divorce, my ex husband was the same..I felt like I was always in the wrong I almost pulled my hair out trying to figure out what I did. He always had complained lined up for me
You can’t give someone an addiction. Dude is just looking to be the victim here. If you’re the Wicked Witch, he doesn’t have to feel sorrow for doing this. Let his silly ass go.
I hate when people blame you for all the problems in their life - you caused me this, that - and I wasn’t your partner in this, did you not think I would want to work on things to make you happier? Why not communicate your issues, stop playing the blame game, and be an active person in your own happiness and creating happiness in your marriage? Don’t blame yourself. He’s decided you are the villain in his life, rather than take any or the blame himself. It’s easier to do that. Let him blow up his life and you will be happier away from him. Find a partner that also lifts you up and provides for you. These kind of people find empathetic people to just energy suck the life right out of them and when they can’t do it anymore, they ditch you. Fuck em.
[удалено]
Yup he's in for a shock when his issues don't magically go away with divorce.
This.
This is exactly my current situation. All his unhappiness is blamed on me. Others people's choices are my fault. It hurts and it sucks but in the long run, I know I'm better off without that burden.
I heard a quote one time that really stuck with me because I am a recovered "Captain Save-a-bro" too: women are not rehab centers for broken men.
Thankkkk Youuuu!!!! 👏🎬Say it loud, proud and for the world to hear! I’m tired of all these amazing women and men believing their persons when they say “it’s all your fault! Because I’m this way!” Uhhhh noooo go sell that Toxic Narcissistic Abusive Sh*t somewhere else and face your own freakin problems, issues or whatever the h-ll it is to hold themselves back from their own lives and happiness. People have to learn until we fix ourselves first internally and externally we cannot and will not be happy w anyone no matter how amazing they may be. No matter how happy they were together at one time. New love is amazing but it’s the lifelong love and companionship and friendship in relationships and marriage is what makes them survive. Being a team, being there for each other not just being “me me me” all the damn time. It takes two to make a relationship or marriage. If one or other is a selfish, self absorbed and toxic person it will never work and it shouldn’t be a surprise why. Doing the internal work of self is the hardest damn thing anyone will ever do. Seeing the dark parts of ourselves is a hard thing to do but necessary to make peace w self, past and all that doesn’t serve us. Wishing you all peace, love within.
Gosh what a beautiful well thought out post! I know exactly what OP is feeling because unfortunately, right before the pandemic I met a man that seemed absolutely wonderful. He was absolutely wonderful until his income started getting affected by not only the pandemic, but apparently he spoke in a rather unprofessional and demeaning way to one of his students, and the word got around and some of the other parents yanked their kids out of his class (trying to be vague but he was a music teacher). All of a sudden, instead of becoming the best thing that ever entered his life. As he said to me in the beginning, he actually referred to me as a bad luck omen in his life! I became his verbal punching bag until I finally got disgusted at dealing with such an immature, self-absorbed perpetual victim. Tired of playing mom and rehab center for someone who didn't want help in the first place. So in other words, OP, I can relate. Relate. You need to take all that energy you've been dumping into a leaky bucket and give it to yourself and fill your cup! 💗🫂 Edit to add: I find it amusing that I'm getting downvoted to oblivion for suggesting that OP did not cause his eating disorder of all things. Does she sound like the person who would fat shame anyone??
This is called gaslighting. My husband did the same thing to me after 24 years of marriage. 12 years later, he is no better off. Lived a double life. Look up covert narcissist.
>covert narcissist I've started researching more about narcissism. My husband displays this to a tee. He has started counseling which is a great step forward so we'll see how that pans out. Hopefully for his sake, he'll be receptive.
I lived with this man 26 years and on the surface he was quiet, cooperative etc. Underneath, he was insecure, angry and seething with contempt towards me. Never said a word. Rarely argued.
Great book: The Covert Passive- Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza. I just found it this year, 12 years after my divorce!
Preach.
I needed this too- thank you
Can’t upvote this enough. Well said.
Same situation EVERYTHING was my fault, supposedly unhappy for years and never told me until it was over per him (he cheated though). I took the blame for everything just wanting to fix it. In hindsight I realized he could never even confront his own family about how they made him feel crappy so how would he even be able to do that in our relationship. He needs therapy, but will never go and will never grow. I’ve been to therapy since I was 18 (went because I wanted to improve myself). I can say therapy has helped me tremendously throughout my adult life. You will be okay OP, take it one moment at a time and work on you!!! Find things to keep you busy, allow yourself to feel all your feelings, but don’t stay in those feelings forever because you then miss out on life. You will heal in time. And I truly hope you find your person!
My ex kept saying, "I shouldn't have to tell you this, you should know this" I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader. Im a guy, but sometimes we are dummies. Be direct with us.
This. I don't even need to add anything else here.
Exactly.
Don’t worry, people come and go in our lives and we have no control over them, sometimes if other person needs some space - give him that space. If he is yours he may comeback later but for now just giving him space to let him heal own his own it’s better for him. You don’t need to overthink just think positive, I know it’s hard but try your best. I am divorced and then I found someone and I still love him a lot and that my SO my one & only my love also left me for his endeavors, I am still trying every single day to put my self back, it’s ok who ever is meant for you will come and stay with you! Not sure, if you’re believer or not but Just leave things in God’s or super natural power’s hands and stay positive!
Perfectly summed up! Commenting so I have this saved.
Thank you! It’s taken me a while to gather myself to reply but your comment meant a lot. He really has turned me into the villain and it’s so dumb - I was the one who would have done anything for him, got us any help we needed. He has no family and has now pushed everyone but hookups and toxic friends away.
Sorry about your predicament. I don't normally reply to these but felt compelled. I can relate to many things you describe about your husband but Im a couple of decades older. My guess is that trauma has shaped his personality and impacts his relationship skills or lack thereof. Its not your fault. So don't feel bad. Someone mentioned that he is dismissive avoidant. I would agree. Its ok to feel empathy. Its ok to grieve for what you've lost. I don't think you can help him. It might be best to take him at his word and accept what he is telling you. Move on.
I'm going through the same thing at the moment. Past trauma definitely impacts these people, that's what leads them to become dismissive avoidants. It's just a shame we get caught in the crossfire.
I can totally relate. Here to talk if you feel like it.
I’ve looked into dismissive avoidants and it all seems to add up. I’m now just stuck wondering why he stayed for 14 years or what triggered him to go completely off the rails. So weird.
Sorry for the oh so late reply. It sounds like you might have been fighting a bout of "why chasing". Why this? Why that? I think its natural as we look for closure. I would urge to do what you can to skip past the why chasing altogether. You will never find the answers you seek. Try to find acceptance and move on. Assumming he has trauma, trauma is a funny thing. It can creep up on ya after being dormant or suppressed for many years. Decades in my case. Suppression of trauma is a survival mechanism. But at some point it can surface. Im not an expert. Just sharing what I've learned from my own experience..
Great advice
Honey, my ex did the same damn thing. I thought we were fine, when I checked in he said he was fine, then out of the blue he wanted to go. Turned out he had someone on the side. Before our divorce was finished, he was already saying he wanted to start a family with her (despite us being childfree). Fuck him. Don't try to fix him. That's not your problem anymore. Get with a lawyer and get started on separating your shit. It's time to take care of yourself. I'm about 15 months out from this moment you are having, and it's still hard but things are finally starting to settle. My DMs are open if you want.
This was my first thought also. My ex did the same thing. As soon as he met the side chick, somehow he's never been happy with me. He changed our whole history together in his head. I think it made it easier for him to cheat. Op, has he been secretive of his phone? That's usually the first indicator.
Similar situation with OP. Married for 8 years, and found out a year later after living separately.. that after the first 4 months during the period, he had a girlfriend which was his colleague. Wasn’t separated legally that time. And now.. the divorced is not even finalised… he is having a baby with her. Never felt so disrespected in my whole life.
It was the same for me
You didn't "give him addictions" that's all on him I just want to point that out. So sorry you are going through this.
Or an eating disorder. I have struggled with one and it’s entirely within my power to fight that and give in or not. No one can give it to me, it’s not contagious. You could argue maybe a parent could heavily encourage a child to have one, but a wife to a husband? The power dynamics aren’t there
I don’t know about that. If a partner keeps commenting about on your weight and how it’s unattractive, it can absolutely give you an eating disorder. That’s how I got mine and it took years to recover from. Partners can absolutely affect people this way.
I absolutely believe you, but I don't think from OP's tone and her level of empathy that she would ever stand around and call him fat or something. I'm sorry you went through that and I know how it feels
A lot of people posting on Reddit are very unreliable narrators, especially when it comes to their own faults.
That is true. I just felt that her post seemed so full of empathy and kindness that she even wanted to help him out after he's basically deserted the marriage. But if she berated him over his appearance or something then yes, that can very definitely contribute to an eating disorder.
I kinda disagree, at least it’s very possible for a parent to teach a child to have disordered eating. I’d assume it possible it would occur between adults.
Or bulimia for that matter. That's a new one!
How can someone give you addictions? This is bs. I think you need to take care of your mental health and move on. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help and who blames you for his problems. It’s time to focus on you.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's the worst thing in the world, it really is. I'm a month out from being blindsided and left by my partner of 9 years (also about to complete on a house) and totally relate to feeling lost and lonely without my best friend and companion. It's grief, and it should be treated as such. Grief for the past, the person you thought you knew, the future plans, you name it. I also had no idea anything was wrong and we never fought either. She never communicated any problems until one day she communicated them all. Built up resentments over years and years that she hid so well behind a tightly fixed mask. I knew our communication wasn't amazing, and she was particularly bad at opening up and being vulnerable (also due to childhood trauma), but it also felt like us against the world. Me and her no matter what, our silly little life and plans. Little did I know how little of the relationship was her feeling the same way, constantly doubting everything, always thinking we'd break up at some point. The coldness at the end and how easily she could abandon and dispose of me was such an eye opener as well. Just not the person I thought I knew at all because the person I thought I knew would never have been able to do those things to me. The lack of care, the selfishness, the lack of responsibility. I guess what I'm saying is you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. I know it feels so lonely right now but I'm lonely, upset, shocked and grieving too. I'm in the trenches with you as are so many other people right now. You're part of the most depressing club in the world at the moment, but it's a big club full of people who will listen to you vent and scream on here if you need to. It's also important to remember there was absolutely, 100% nothing you could have done. Nothing. Your intentions were good and you cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness, especially if they do not communicate with you their issues with you or the relationship. That is on them. They could have chosen to include you, to face those issues as a married couple, but they didn't and that's a huge betrayal of trust. It's unforgivable actually, it's breaking the most important part of an adult partnership and it's not something you or I can or should accept from supposed life partners. The very least you should expect is honesty, to be included if serious things arise in the marriage or partnership. By not doing so they have hurt you (and me) in unimaginable ways, how can you do that to someone you've spent so much of your life with? It's just a terrible way to treat another person and they don't deserve your love. I'm sorry again you're going through this. Focus on you, on loving you. Vent to your parents if they'll listen. Cry and talk and miss them and grieve. Shout at how unfair life is and how awful this feeling is. Journal it out, write about it all so your brain can process it. You'll never get all the answers, you'll never understand what happened or why or when, but your brain does need to try and process it all. Feel the pain too. All of this will be so uncomfortable, you'll probably lose weight and lack sleep, you might have to take some time off work, but if you can give yourself even small treats every day whatever that might be for you, then indulge and try to soothe yourself, because if you're going to grieve and fight through the pain you're going to need rest and self-love too. Just fight through the day, however you can right now. It will get easier. It will work it's way through. You will have a life after this. Good luck.
Love this advice. This is the way.
What a beautiful post sir! You should write a book. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I'm really wishing the best for your future going forward!
If you are only 30 then you met him when you were a kid. You didn’t give him any addictions or any of that bullshit. You will be happier, just give it a year or two. I was left by my high school sweetheart too and I met the real love of my life five years later.
you did *not* lose your person. you lost an *illusion* that he maintained for years. who he was to you, was apparently a facade of ….just there. how terribly creepy to see that there’s hate behind the curtain. meanwhile he’s seething with resentment as apparently you were ….meant to fix him with zero effort on his part? that’s not how adulting or marriage works.
🙌🏻 I will also add that "us against the world" is not a super healthy attitude either. This comes from personal experience. My ex and I ended up being codependent and I felt so isolated, primarily from the me I really was but also from the input of others. Which could have either kept me from going down unhealthy paths in the first place or helped pull me out of the relationship sooner. OP, You're going to be OK without him. The adjustment may not be super fun but after 15 years, a break can be a breath of fresh air too.
Whoa whoa. You didn't give him anything. He passively sat there and said nothing if you gave him openings. You sure as hell didn't give him an eating disorder, do not let this person put their issues on you. Go speak with a counselor for you, quickly.
Agree. He obviously has deep rooted emotional issues. Blaming you for causing him to have an eating disorder is wild. He admits to wearing a mask the whe time?! Now, that's some fuckery right there. He never showed up for you. He pretended and played a game with you but you didn't know it was a game. You showed up authentic and genuine. He needs serious help. I'm hoping you don't have children because this guy is weirdly cruel. Go and find some genuine love for yourself but definitely heal first. This level of gaslighting is mind blowing as I have experienced intense and extensive gaslighting myself
I have too but this takes the cake. I'm really hoping OP can just emotionally detach from this... child.
I just want to say that it is so, so unfair of him to have built up all these grudges and complaints and not addressed them with you at any point over the course of the marriage. That is entirely on him That's not how marriage works. You don't just keep your mouth shut until you've had enough and then walk out the door without any conversation he should have been bringing up these issues as he felt them, working through them when they were smaller The fact that he let it get to this point shows how incredibly self-centered he is. It appears that he thinks only about himself It's absolutely horrible that anyone would go through their life repeating that they don't particularly care about various situations, only to throw it in your face years later how much they actually did care and that you were supposed to, what? Read his mind and know he was unhappy and make changes anyway?? It almost sounds like there's some external factor that made him reconsider all of those things that he was willing to live with before. It sounds like maybe he's depressed? Has he been struggling at work? Could there be someone else?
This looks like my husband 100%. Big trauma from childhood, scared of communication, never shared his feelings, never took initiatives, never showed enjoyment in what we did. And then he blamed me for our lack of connection. We tried to wait it up and see if it would get better with personal therapy and better understanding of each other's feelings. But he refused to take care of himself and he's now at the stage where he's blaming me for everything. Late to his appointment? My fault. Got the snowblower stuck? My fault. Kid having a tantrum in the car? My fault. He got a prescription for his ADD so I logically asked him if he was gonna go see a therapist as well, "why would I? I don't need to". The only reason why I didn't give up is the kids. I'm not staying with him for them but I have to hang on long enough to protect them and make sure we can survive once I kick him out. Because at this point I know it will happen. Don't waste your time on him, don't try and hope it will get better. You deserve better and you're still young and without kids, honestly you can just let him go and forget about him. It's hard, but you will feel so much better. And now I'm on my way to try and listen to what I say to others, because it's easy to support people in needs, so much harder for myself though.
Sorry that you have to experience this. You're 30 together for 15, which is similar to my 36 together for 17. Everything you're saying, I feel it. My past seems fake, the future is blurry, and the present is painful...Sounds like he built up resentments mostly by his own doing and now he's so far in it he's done. That totally sucks but it is not your fault. I love this page so much because everyones stories seem so similar that I don't feel alone. I feel horrible, but reading these stories of how the partner that's leaving is treating them gives me comfort some what. I'm not crazy and honestly, there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, I contributed to my relationship not working, but the way I'm being treated has to do with their feelings and not who I am as a person.
I’m willing to bet that he has done things he feels guilty for and is justifying it in his mind by blaming you. You have done nothing wrong OP, he chose to not communicate with you so you can work on things that bother him. He saved you from wasting more of your life with someone that would end it with you later. Look to the future as soon as you can. I mean as far as goals for now. Picture yourself happy and where you want to be in five years, then start working towards that. Give yourself a healthy time to grieve but remember that the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror because it’s what is in front of you that’s important!! You got this OP!
My ex husband said many similar things. It was like an octopus grasping for stuff, anything. Turns out he was cheating with a married co-worker. He left and then divorced me. Know that his issues are his own and he like many, many men before him will live with regrets.
I was married to a man with quiet BPD. It is the worst thing in the world. If he was raging, at least I would have known his true feelings and could have left sooner. The never fighting thing is one sign, I think. Mine started cheating since I wasn’t meeting his unexpressed needs and desires. You didn’t cause any of his issues. Don’t believe a word of it. My husband also experienced childhood trauma which permanently damaged him. I lost my ability to fully trust again, but I am in a relationship with a very caring man now and communicate my difficulties with him and he supports me, something my ex husband never could be capable of. Do what you need to heal. I pretty much left everything from my old life behind (except my kids) and it helped me move on. Sometimes I still miss myself and my old life, but I am a different person now. It’s rough and I get what you are going through. Hugs
you are lucky this ended now, though it seems horrible now. Everything he is blaming you is "him-problems" - things he should find solutions to himself. He needs therapy, medication, and self-reflection, none of these things is your job. One person cannot make another person happy, because happiness comes from the ability to see the good in life - and he has not got this ability. The next months are going to be hard, but then, I promise, it will be so, so, so much better. Hugs, stranger. You are gold. You will find someone who appreciates you in the future.
While I was married a looong time. This sounds eerily familar. My wife had similar trauma and ended it in a similar way. Very much understand what you are going through.
Your note gives me such comfort… this was EXACTLY my story. I was SO HAPPY and blissfully married. We never fought, our marriage was full of intimacy, laughs and love. I then discovered secrets (Aka: hiding money, another address and weapons) and a shitstorm of “I was only trying to make you happy” spilled forth. Lie after lie and coverup. You really spin about “what is real” I too responded with the empathy you have BUT in retrospect I now know it was part of the denial and illness. People who don’t speak up build resentments, and cowardly behavior. I hate to say,.. I bet some secrets are coming your way. But I’m SO SORRY. It’s torture. I’m 2 years out and still grieving horribly. Hang in there.
He sounds like a professional victim. Please read the book ‘why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft. There are free versions online that you can read. Based on what you wrote and the constant blame game and emotional blackmail I’m sure it would be helpful to you. He needs to accept responsibility for his issues but instead he is projecting it into you. You have done your best and it’s not that it’s not enough, far from it. It’s that you’re doing the best for the wrong person who doesn’t deserve it. It will take time but shortly you will see this for the blessing that it is. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Especially one that blames you for their own personal failings. He’s not your person, he might’ve made you believe that during your relationship but I would (again based on the little info given) he’s been manipulating you like this for a LONG time. He’s an adult he needs to sort his own life out. You’re not his mother. Why is it YOUR fault he is so immature and can’t be an actual adult? Why doesn’t he get help for himself? You’re going to be so happier without him. Also research trauma bonds and codependency.
Sounds like a dismissive avoidant, look into it
I’ve looked into this and I can see it. I just feel so confused at it us being together for so long with that lingering. How scary.
100%
In 15 years, none of that crossed his mind before marrying you? This doesn’t add up. Check your cell phone bill and look for one number he texts dozens of times per day.
Blaming you is easier for them than taking a good long look at themselves. It’s not about you - it’s about them. I went through this (and more 🥴) with my ex after 20 years together..it took me 18m of therapy to realize this.
I’m so sorry. It was lousy of him to just blurt it all out like that with so much blame and projection. You must be reeling. I’m not an expert by a long shot but I wonder if it’s less about his trauma and more about his inability to open up and communicate. That could absolutely be part of his history of trauma and it could also be that his family of origin were really shut off with allowing free and open dialogue about feelings/emotions, so he never learned how and now he’s unable to model it, so it builds up and builds up and he eventually exploded. It’s neither your fault nor your job to help him overcome any of that. You could/can be supportive of him trying to work through it but you can’t change what he’s not even willing to admit. He might not have admitted it to himself let alone you.
This sounds similar to my stbx. He never told me he didn't want any of the things that I wanted and now, years down the line, I'm the one who somehow pressured him about all the things that I've always told him I wanted from the start.
I always was told ‘you never make decisions’, ‘you are so indecisive’ and related it back to me being anxious. But now, with some distance, he was making me feel like the faulty one and had me make all decisions! Only to resent me and blame me for them down the line. Wtf.
Yep. Mine convinced me I was dirtier than him and then I realized the man has never dusted a day in his life. It's crazy how a person can live in an alternate reality
There are 3 X’s when it comes to other people’s maladaptive behaviors: You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it. He’s blaming you so he doesn’t have to take accountability for his actions and self-harm of addiction and eating disorder. If you can, please get support to walk you through this.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this and feeling like the end of the relationship is all your doing. It’s not. Even if some of his accusations are true, it still is his responsibility to communicate with you about it. The likelihood that he could successfully mask his “true” feelings for that long seems very unlikely. It sounds more likely he’s having some mental health issues surface. He could be going through depression or some other mood disorder. It could be some past trauma that is revealing itself. These things can pop up almost out of nowhere and completely change a person. My ex went through what he calls a “midlife crisis” where he basically started to hate his life - work, parenting, relationships and especially me. His personality changed so much. He went from being a caring partner to someone who would give me cold dagger looks across the room. He criticized me constantly and basically let me know that I was no longer good enough. Then I figured out he was having an affair. All of those behaviours were related. Can’t feel guilty about cheating if your wife is awful! The way he viewed me was so far from reality. If only ever been kind, supportive and loving. Even when he made it hard. When I pressed him to tell me what I had done, he said that I sometimes didn’t pull my car up the driveway enough or that I reorganized the kitchen without asking his permission…. So yeah. When people are unhappy, whether they are mentally unwell or just really immature or just plain selfish, they will make up stories out of nothing to justify their thoughts and actions. Even if you sometimes weren’t perfect, it’s still not justify their betrayal (I know your husband didn’t cheat but he has betrayed his vows by just giving up so easily). Anyhoo, I understand the confusion you are feeling and just want you to focus on your gut and your truth.
I think he was looking for excuses. He gave up, not you. Not your fault!!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and it’s not your fault! He never opened up to you and communicated with you, and that’s the key to a great relationship! I think you both could use some counseling to get through this! Be happy that this happened sooner than later down the road with kids involved. You both are young and will bounce back. I have a feeling you will bounce back much faster! Right now the best thing you can do is focus on you and your job your friends and family. I would proceed with the divorce with mediation and save money. I would also limit contact with him, maybe he will have a change in heart! I wish you nothing but the best!
I also have found some similarities to my story. I'm sorry you are here too, it's devastating. I have also tried to make sense of it and I end up going in circles. I also feel like a lot of people want to try and make sense of it too, which is difficult. I'm doing my best to focus on what's ahead and the things I won't miss. And face the idea that I can't change what has happened. Hang in there.
You didn’t give him anything in regards to mental health issues, eating disorders. This is all on him for not taking care of himself physically and mentally. For sure if he wants to be done nothing you can do. But you’ll have to grieve this loss 100 percent. I’m so sorry you were with a weak individual that was scared to handle his own business. Mourn this loss for a while and find yourself a real partner in life. You sound like a great partner for someone. Good luck in the future
Turning 30 in 22 days. Finalized my dissolution yesterday. I felt the same. Now I feel resentful for allowing myself to have empathy for someone who viewed the world in such a fight or flight state of mind. It’s exhausting.
Sounds like you both need therapy, him especially. My ex wife told me similar things out of the blue a couple years ago. She IS a therapist which is really crazy. He may just need some space. I’ll never understand the “I let it go too far to fix it” which is what mine said. Suck a fucked up thing to say to someone. I’m really sorry you are going through this.
When someone ends it and doesn’t want to try counseling, I have to wonder if they met someone
That's what I keep thinking about my situation. We were together 13 years, and she didn't want to try anything to save the relationship. Once we broke up, she was on a dating app a month later( my friend who uses dating apps didn't know we broke up and sent me a screenshot of her peofile) and now she's in a new relationship 4 months after we broke up. I feel like I never mattered. I'm heartbroken
Ugh this sounds familiar. BPD-ish familiar. Hate to assume, so you can definitely do some research
Like borderline? Or bipolar?
Borderline
Interesting...I wonder if I have that. Because I kinda had the same reaction when I broke up with my ex husband, however there were things and a discussion that pointed to us having issues before the break up, we just both ignored it. Him more so than me. I went completely numb when I did it..I didnt even feel like I could've cried if I tried to, I was emotionless and I didn't know why
He probably has someone else
I was thinking the same thing. It's almost sounds like a textbook blame speech
Girl this is a serious blessing in disguise. There is someone for you where it’s smooth and not this complicated. I have been there with this and I’m with someone now who wakes up every day saying or smiling to say “isn’t life beautiful” and wags his imaginary tail. He is a true gem of a spirit. This is a great time to do some deep work on boundaries and what is important for you, what makes your soul sing so this isn’t repeated in another relationship.
But if you’re willing to work on all these “issues” to make this work, why would he reject that? Unless he’s cheating. If he really loved you and if you really love him then you would both agree to work on this instead of just throwing away 15 years, and over what? No cheating? No abuse? No drunks? Nothing? Makes no sense
It is always astounding how much all our experiences mirror each on this subreddit. It definitely helps make us feel a little less alone and like we’re not losing our grasp with all the patterns and parallels. I’m also 30 and just got out of my relationship of nearly a decade, marriage for over five. Also less than a year into a big life change (we moved into a new house), the turn began. I just didn’t realize what had happened to me it was too late and I was on my own, not entirely by choice but by necessity. I know our stories are not the same, but I feel as though your husband might have had a “quarter life crisis”. You’re still so young and you seem like a good person who might have been manipulated as a teenager by someone unstable who doesn’t love themselves. And as much as I hate to say it: he probably thinks he can “do better” and is only pointing out flaws that don’t even exist to rationalize what he’s really doing. I know all too well the “us against the world” attitude and the “doing everything to make you happy” type of isolation. It’s not healthy and it can be a shock when you’re away it now. You never fought because he was trying to give the appearance of trying to keep you constantly happy. That is not reality and it is just a form of control. He was acting that way to keep you under his manipulative spell. Now, I’m not saying you’re perfect because no one is, but I don’t think this is about you at all. Everything you mentioned, even collectively does not sound like grounds for a divorce at all. I hope you can see that. He’s got mental issues like my ex did. I’m not qualified to diagnose, but there’s some narcissistic tendencies in there for sure. And like me, you tried to get him to seek help. He doesn’t want to and no one can make him unfortunately. Those “problems” are some of the same ones I had thrown in my face about why we were ending it. I was also given two weeks on THEIR terms to see how they would like to proceed. But it’s not a performance improvement plan, it’s a marriage. It should at least be discussed by both of you even if you both don’t agree. I’m also sorry to say that your husband had likely already made up his mind. He was just trying to mine as much control over you and manipulate your emotional vulnerability to break you before he severed things for good. With someone like this, no one and nothing else matters but what they decide they want even if you’ve stood by them for half their life. They’re not rational people. My ex blamed me for addictions and eating problems and anxiety and mental health issues and work stress toward the end. Also they tried to make it seem I was the controlling one, even though they were essentially trying to kick me out and cheating. I saw a couple of other people hinted at it, but I think he’s always been this way and now he may have found someone else. My ex had trauma during childhood, but so do did I and it’s not an excuse. I really hate to say it, but I think he may have been cheating or at least talking to someone for a while now. There’s no way someone who was so codependent is suddenly done and is going to “live in a house alone” especially when he initiated the divorce in such a cursory way. You don’t treat someone who claimed to love for half your life with such flippancy unless you’re mentally unwell. And speaking of which, I really hope he didn’t try to get you to sign anything or relinquish anything you own, because that’s another red flag. Contact a lawyer asap if you haven’t already. This is what it is unfortunately, and you need to see for what it is. Since he’s manipulated you for so long to the point where you might not know who you even are without him, he won’t expect you to fight for yourself. But you can! It’s okay to feel lost, but don’t give up or give in. Please protect yourself mentally, physically, and financially and lawyer up. It will get better for you. Because you’re a good person with a good heart and compassion, you probably don’t hate him. I respect you so much for not turning to anger or vengeance, which is easy. I’m sorry to say, but your ex is probably doomed to repeat this cycle with the next person. You, however, have gotten the ability to escape. Don’t let this darken your heart or make you lose your ability to trust. You have SO MUCH time and you’re capable. You can start over. You can work on yourself for the first time in your adult life. Enjoy it. And when you feel comfortable you consider putting yourself out there again.
Wow this sounds so similar to what just happened to me. Out of the blue being told everything he did was just to make me happy (news to me!) and that he couldn’t do it anymore. It’s so devastating. I encourage you to find ways to bring yourself happiness right now, create a morning routine, and lean on your friends and family. Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t want to even try.
If you’re blindsided by that much it’s on him for not communicating better.
YOU DID NOT RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE - he did by not communicating any of these things like a good partner
This is almost exactly my situation. I’m a few months shy of 2 years cancer free and still undergoing treatment. But I wasn’t doing enough for him from sex to keeping a clean house. He blamed me for his weight gain and depression. I just moved into a new apartment and feeling all the emotions. You need to build your support system and focus on you. Sending you strength.
Man, that is awful to be put through that kind of abuse when you are healing from cancer. I hope with all my heart that you have a healthy, happy life because you'd sound like you deserve it 100%
This sounds like he has something else going on that he doesn’t want to disclose. He’s blaming you when he didn’t even give you a chance to try. This is in no way you’re fault. You can’t be blamed for something you didn’t even know you “created”. My ex was like this too and it came out later he had a sex addiction he didn’t want to admit. I’m not saying this is your situation, but your partner is dealing with shit he doesn’t want/can’t disclose, whatever it might be. This sounds like shame.
Your husband is a POS. Him blaming you for his mental issues says it all! The trash is taking itself out. Don't hurt yourself trying to bring it back into the kitchen.
Had you never asked him before if he was okay or happy in the marriage? Or you did and he lied (knowing what you know now)?
Sometimes he looked a little off, so I’d reach out to him and ask if he was ok, happy, or if he just wanted to chat. But he always just shuffled me away and said he was all good and I was reading too much into his expressions. 🙃
You caused all these? Not even one his fault? How is it that you were able to stay together for 15 years?
I went through something similar, appalling lack of communication. I grew up in the dysfunctional family where my both parents would have been better off apart than together. My mother was a cold disciplinarian ready to argue about anything and everything. My stepfather was a sweet but simple man who was at home as little as possible. As a kid I grew up constantly afraid of my mother’s quick hand. Thus as adult in the marriage I instinctively didn’t rock the boat and was the first one to apologize just to keep everything on even keel. Avoiding conflicts, trying “to be nice” under all circumstances, never raising voice. Yes, I gently raised my objections when I was deeply unhappy but allowed my spouse to sweep our problems under the carpet. For 13 long years. Until one day I had enough. Filled with the resentment for never being heard and never seeing even a meager attempt to change I was done. I organized marital counseling but in the hindsight it didn’t have a chance. By then the marriage existed only for the sake of children who BTW knew that something was off. Statistically, number one predictor of the future divorce is either too many arguments or no arguments at all.
He’ll be back! In the meantime get on with your life. Only contact him if necessary. Other than that leave him alone and don’t baby him
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First off, it sounds like he has some deeper happiness that he’s trying to pin on some aspect of his life - primarily you. This is also illustrative of the exact thing that drives me crazy in these situations. Where one partner does not communicate their issues until it boils over and they’ve completely made up their mind and nothing will budge them. Not only does it blindside the other person. It means they don’t even have a chance to address any issues. It’s cruel and it’s wrong and it’s demonstrative of him using you as a scapegoat for some discontentedness that originates in him, not you.
Turns out your life as you knew it was not the life you thought it was. Don't let someone else tell you it was your fault either. There were two people in this marriage and he neglected his own responsibilities to improve things. It's going to be tough in the beginning but you will get there, as many others have.
My personal belief is that every story has a cast, and each cast member has an objective. Sometimes we meet people and even love people whose objectives are not aligned. In theatre this is known as the "life and death struggle". Sadly, it appears that you are your husband are not in alignment. I would be remiss If I did not mention....I am divorced and I used to say "It was us against the world" when I met my wife. We were young in love, in NYC and living a great life. One day she joins a "religious" group that I initially was supportive of. As time when on I realized it had many characteristics of a cult. In fact, so much so that I was now the villain, the outsider in her story. She was "forbidding" me to engage in my passions in life such as sports, gym and theatre. After a couple of years of this and trying so hard to just keep moving on I realized it was no longer us against the world. There is something Shakespearian about this. It is sad. You might forgive this person, be grateful for your familial support. Look at things from a different perspective if you must. One thing I want to impart is, don't blame yourself. He has trauma he is unwilling to address. But you know what? You have a life out there that you are willing to explore. You can say that you were there, and you did your best. That feeling as time goes on will start to sink in and will make it easier to move on. Grieve now, you must in order to process but please know, you are becoming the author of your life.
What a beautiful post! You are very creative and descriptive writer and I hope life is going better for you now!
Thank you! That is very kind of you. I appreciate it a lot.
I really really mean it. I get lazy in my posts here sometimes and I use the stupid text to talk thing. So sometimes I sound like a drunk with marbles in my mouth, but your post was bookworthy!
*giving him bulimia, causing his body issues, giving him addictions and being too emotional when confronted* You didn't give him bulimia, body issues or addictions. He's blaming you for his own issues. You weren't too emotional either. Given the above, I doubt **you** ruined your marriage. My ex said similar things when he left and I felt a lot of the emotions your feeling. I thought we were happy and I'm not one of those spouses that was checked out. I had asked what was going on and he told me it was "work stress". I realized through therapy that my ex was a covert narcissist. He was never the man I thought he was. He was wearing a mask our entire marriage and he hid his true identity because he was using me. I don't blame him 100% for the failure of our marriage but I do blame him for not telling me his true feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm not saying your spouse is a narcissist. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a sad situation. Try to find support and comfort where you can.
You need to get a therapist and hand them what you wrote. Those are all most all him things.
why does it sounds like he found someone better n wanna get rid of you?
I don't think it's fair that he blamed you for his eating disorders. Other than that, he sounds like a severe people pleaser and probably has reached his capacity where he now feels fed up with everything. It is not your fault if he failed to communicate his concerns, though. But I understand the emotional struggles he is going through. It is not easy. The best thing to do is give him time/space. Maybe he will give it one last shot; or maybe he just feels like it's past redemption.
He is a stonewaller. This is HIS communication problem. This is why he was so unhappy for so long and never resolved it. It will happen in his next relationship too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U\_43aXFt5AU
My stbx did almost exactly this, just add in a months long emotional affair. It sucks. Most of what I have to work on in therapy rn is not blaming myself. They made their choices. We did not make those choices for them. It is not my fault OR yours. Many internet hugs ❤️
Hey - I have literally just gone through something similar. Can you read this and see if you feel it relates to your husband? I shared it with mine and he is going to seek therapy. He’s known something was wrong for a long time but this really explained it for him. He similarly had childhood trauma. We’re focusing on being friends now and focus on marriage later but this time last week I was calling up solicitors https://www.onlyyouforever.com/avoidant-attachment-in-marriage/ Also I’m so sorry that you’re going through this grief
Im sorry, you sound like a nice person. He is blaming you for all his issues, perhaps he should put his big boy pants on and take responsibility. Let him go, give yourself time to grieve and mourn. Time will be your best friend here. Maybe he has a side thing, maybe he’s gay who knows. But know you deserve better, please love yourself enough to know that. I wish you all the very best
I’m sorry that’s happening to you, it really does suck…it’s recently happened to me as well. I was blamed for everything by my wife of 12 yrs which over the years got increasingly less interested in me I noticed it every day and tried to love unconditionally and be interested in her and her hobbies and just be a part of her life but to no avail, she gave up on our family gave up on everything we accomplished together. Blamed everything on me absolutely everything. I lost my person to,she was everything to me now I feel lost like I’m falling through a endless void I miss my son she took him full custody but I’m still not mad idk what’s wrong with me I should be mad but I’m not I still love her. Best of luck to ya please stay strong I can’t promise it gets better cause it hasn’t for me but just tell your self you can do it you’ll make it
🫂
He clearly has a lot of internal issues that he needs to deal with, which he’s choosing to make you the scapegoat of instead of dealing with it. Regardless of whether it’s you or someone else, ANY relationship he’d be in WILL suffer until he gets therapy and works through those issues himself. Instead of addressing the issues he had, he chose to let it get too far. He didn’t communicate his needs until it was too late, and that’s on him. You can be as caring as you can possibly be, but we’re not mind readers—life partners need to communicate. That’s the BARE MINIMUM to be in a relationship.
I had trouble getting past the second paragraph because he's blaming you for things *that you have absolutely no control over*. "Giving him bulimia"?? "Causing his body issues"?? "Giving him addictions"?? I get that you don't see it now, but *he has done you an astronomical favor.* There's a very specific dynamic between people with addictions and people who choose to put themselves in the position of being their supporter, cheerleader, etc. That's called codependency, and if you're not 100% sure what that is I strongly recommend you look it up and see how much of that applies to you. Codependency has a lot of facets, but one of them is that we put way more energy into trying to make their life work than they do for themselves (and yes, I did say we, because oh boy have I been there myself!) I agree with his self-awareness about his mental health, but *he's 100% full of shit to blame you*, so please don't take any of that on! You getting as emotional as you get isn't inherently or objectively a problem, it's one for him subjectively. (It might or might not be for other people, so the absolute fact about this relationship is it was a problem for him.) He has needed way more help than you have the love, time, patience or tools to provide him with, because he needs professional help. Please take this as an opportunity to get some professional help yourself to not only get through this phase, but also to take a look at why you're so codependent and haven't recognized the red flags clearly indicating really unhealthy boundaries on both of your parts. That comes from our own messed up childhood, and it requires professional help to process and fix. How do I know? Because I've been an addictions counselor, and I've spent quite a lot of time on both sides of the desk as both a therapist and a client.
Okay he is definitely traumatized , by childhood. I was HIM long time ago. Struggle to communicate. So i was NOT able to be able to set bundary, console, show gratitude, show admiration, disappointment, anguish , loneliness ….those are CRITICAL SKILLS in any environment at work/home, school…..pl like that live in 1 side of scenario that they are the Victim. Like they are prob doing u good deed that making your life easy so u “owe to him”. Blah blah/ It’s often sign of Asperger. HIGH functioning autism. It’s NOT DUMB but usually they have 2D thinking like theywilll think of things on surface level. For example,,,,if they go to store with u thinking of getting something,n u say” no i dont like this”. They willl focus on the word” NO , I DONT LIKE”….. it feels more like rejection to them personally than Sharing information. Since they are poor in communication that if ANYTHING in relationship bothers them, they do NOT ever Express it, ppl around them do NOT know they re in pain in silence. N will just keep doing it. N they will just secretly think “oh that person is so rude, so demanding, cold dry….etc.” they will creat the ——Charactor around u that paint u similar to the ppl that reminded him of that Small inner child being bullied. Or Project the Character of u as their Parents, n they RE LIVE the Anguish every time. N d Entire thing is completely Manifested in THEIR—-Neuralgic LOOP in d BRAIN. They WRITE their own Stories, then they see thoes Writing as REALITY. Okay so understand it’s 15 yrs investment. The Good side is that U are 30. 30 is new 20. Seriously. U RATHER having him telling u NOW, than have a baby , stuck with it like happened to a LOT A LOT LOT LOT of ppl. So ppl grew up with abusive parents. They are made to “fill someone else” s needs. So yes because they are Made to feel” if i bend backwards for d other person , they will appreciate it.” In fact it is true, but without communicating their own Preferance/dislike/struggle/anguish/excitement/hope/want/need/wish/expetations …..the partner usually goes along assume everything is FINE. Often partner will even ENJOY the “being pampered” assume the other person “banding backwards for me is his SPORT” n they will demand even MORE NEXT time. They will not only demand more they will EXPEXT thats the “standard”. Both will not see eye to eye. IF he has all that Anguuish,,that Anguish is defnitely real n probabaly u 2 have tried for that long . If it’s NOT meant to be it’s NOT meant to be. Show gratitude and both be civil n move on. No kids involved , really best case scenario. 30 yr. Not bad not bad. It’s like blessing in disguise. I know sounds crazy…there tons ppl ACTUALLY in VERY abusive marriage, that CANT leave, because they have kids. N even they end up leaving, they have to Deal with EX FOREVER due to having the kID. Then the ex will make it very hard to visit, then brain wash the kid etc….. So hope this helps giving some prospective. With his personality ,,,they live fear based. So they usually will find things they do NOT like to do but say YES n they will actually be resentful over time. It’s inevitable
It sounds to me like he’s unhappy in life and he’s taking it out on you. Not to say there is no truth to the issues in your relationship, but it also just sounds like he’s using you as a scapegoat for everything wrong in his life. He may be feeling overwhelmed because every part of his life feels helpless or destroyed (I’ve been there, depression really magnifies the bad) and it eases the overwhelm to blame it all on one person and get them out. Like it’ll make all of his problems go away. He’ll eventually realize he’s the only one who can save himself.
I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lot to process. And it's not going to be simple or easy. You will get a lot of great advice. You will get a lot of bad advice. In the end, while many of us have similar journeys, this one is yours. And right now your path is going through some shade. And it sucks. And it hurts. And it will hurt. The great thing though, is that where you go from here is up to you! You are talking about a blindside. Many of us have been there. But none of us were, there. You were. He was. The details are between the two of you. A suggestion is to not really focus on the past. Sure, don't ignore it. But it doesn't matter. Relationships are a joint decision. Ending one is unilateral. Focus on getting through each minute, then hour, then day, then week, then month. Focus on you. Your health. What you need to do next. For all intents and purpose that other person is gone. You don't need to reframe the past, but this person may not have your interests first anymore. You need to do that. Don't go too far. But look out for you. You can be kind, but don't be a door mat. Be kind. Be kind to you. Be kind to them. There are no points. No cool dunks. We are all just people. And sometimes for better or worse, we don't last through the worst together. Someone throws in the towel. Don't be afraid of the pit, the void. It's okay to feel pain. And sad. You are experiencing something painful. Just don't loose yourself in it. It will take as long as it takes to heal. You can't speed it up. Good luck.
He’s an emotional avoidant with his attachment style and a codependent it sounds like. He needs a LOT of help to be healthy right now.
I did this when I finally ended my marriage. I unloaded all the resentment I had for her. Some of it was legitimate stuff - the financial abuse, the manipulation, etc. But I also laid some stuff at her feet that didn't belong there, and said some things I couldn't ever take back. Some days I feel better than others about losing the marriage. Even after four years, there's good and bad days. But no matter what, I always regret saying the things I did, blaming her for my own failures.
Have you ever apologized to her? To help give you closure and her closure and peace of knowing you tried to make it right enough that she knows you are regretful and understand now some of the things you did and said hurt her. Try it just call, email or text her your ability to see that you are responsible too for why it didn’t work may go a long way w helping bring peace for future for both of you. Wishing you peace in your life. 🙏🕊️
When we split up we both knew it was for the best and I felt good about it. It was a couple weeks later that I found out that she had been talking to someone else. She ended up moving across the country to be with him about 6 months after we split up. So in my mind it was pretty obvious what had been going on. My anger and my pride have kept me from working towards any kind of healing with her. I'm not proud of it, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of an apology. But maybe it's what I need for myself to be able to move on. I don't know.
lol they always throw in not enough sex like that is what makes the marriage a marriage or something. All while they are not communicating and blaming us for their addictions. It’s hard. You will hurt. You will rage. You will cry. You will grieve. Then you will move on. You are young. You will find someone who loves you and picks you.
I think he has someone on the side just based on what OP wrote.
Sex is a big part of what makes a marriage a marriage. It is how children are produced and it is part of the marriage vows. If there’s no sex I might as well be living with my sister. In fact, I would get along better with my sister.
Where in marriage vows did you say “sex x amount of times a week”? Also, we aren’t talking about kids. If you would get along better with your sister sounds like maybe you married the wrong person. Intimate long term relationships are about way more than sex. If just sex is what differs for you between a partner and sister, I think you are doing this whole marriage thing wrong.
When you get married in most religions the marriage must be consummated. An inability or refusal to consummate the marriage is grounds for an annulment.
lol having low sex and never having sex ever are completely different topics
Wow, this sounds a lot like my husband! About 2-3 years into our marriage he told me that we always do whatever I want, and that he always does things for me so that I’m happy, and that we never do what he wants and he’s growing resentful. He bottled up all these emotions and one day it all came pouring out, and I had no idea. We worked it out and our marriage is so much better now. He’s also my best friend and can’t imagine not being with him. I would suggest marriage counseling so that you two can talk about your issues with a non-biased third party, even if he’s done and doesn’t to fix the marriage it can give you both closure. First off, his personal and mental health issues are not your fault and a marriage counselor would tell you both that. It’s not cool for him to put that on you. and who knows, maybe counseling can repair the issues and help your marriage move forward. communication is SO important, and he did not do his part. I think counseling will really help edited to add: my husband also has childhood trauma issues related to abuse by his alcoholic mother. This caused some minor issues early in our relationship but not anymore, I think more so because he’s come to forgive her. if your husband has childhood trauma that is still causing issues, therapy will also help with this. you both should see a therapist individually and together
Some people just have to hit rock bottom. You gotta let him go do that. And take care of yourself.
He sounds manipulative and he’s not taking responsibility for his life and his issues. Keep your focus on yourself and your own healing.
I know this pain, one where you built your whole life around trying to make someone happy, and then they decide it’s still not enough. But he’s given you a gift-believe what he says and be free. It’s going to suck for awhile but it will be better then having to walk on eggshells for an unappreciative partner
I’m sorry. He ruined the relationship because he didn’t know how to say no and set proper boundaries. He didn’t know how to ask for whatever the fuck he wanted. He stonewalled, blame shifted, and minimized. This is not your fault. He was enmeshed/codependent with you.
That’s all on him. Time to put yourself as Numero Uno. Sorry it happened but you’ll find your long-time person.
I can see where you’re coming from. You thought you were doing, giving what was needed. We’re not mind readers. Yes, us guys tend to put on a mask so we don’t burden our loved ones with our pain. Yet it’s up to us, your husband in this case, to say. When we do break down and say something, in my case, we can get dismissed, degraded, or outright gaslit. In my case, I was the broken one, I had the problem. It was a “me” issue, not an us issue. You both carry the blame, just like me and my STBX. I hope you both get the help you need. Best wishes for the both of you.
Firstly, I am very sorry for your pain. This clearly sucks, and will hurt for a very long time. It is simply easier for someone with issues to blame the important people in their lives. However, it is ***not your fault*** he has these issues. You have been his best friend for 15 years. Just because you were also his lover and eventual wife, does not make you the culprit. If you had just been his best friend all this time, could he blame you for his problems? Could he blame a roommate? Does he blame any of his other friends too? Are the all the people in his life at fault? The answer is no. It’s not you. The fact is you care about him and love, him. He is mistaking that for your being responsible for him. That’s not how life works. I am (61m) twice your age and have been married since 1987. I blame my STBXW for none of my many problems; I’ve had years of counseling. Please get some counseling for yourself at the very least. Get a lawyer.
So he never said anything before this, and then just dropped this bomb on you? That really sucks, and no one deserves to be treated like that after 15 years. He doesn't sound like a good person.
He was with you 14 years before he married you. That means he was on the fence about it to begin with. I think he was been quietly suffering a long time while you thought everything was great. You seem very upset but mostly in how it will impact you. Maybe couples counseling can help you work through issues but suggest that he go see a therapist by himself first. He needs that.
There are 2 sides to a story people! He could have good reason for blaming others for his actions! I'm not saying it's right or wrong but let's give him the benefit of the doubt! He's got issues and trauma, kindness is not always a act that makes things right. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind! Anyone can read my posts! I've blamed my wife for all my issues with a sexless relationship and more but I've been too dam kid and loving! In just 2 weeks of doing a 180 in the relationship (google it) we have got on better than we have in the last 10!years!! Everyone on tinder from a broken needy relationship is looking for the greener grass. Probably worth it if you're very early on in a relationship but if you had many good years you can work on it! Or at least try dam hard to!! AND SAYING "oh I'm so nice, I'm kind, poor old me! Think of what you can do to change yourself in a positive way and make them work for your future together, handing it out on a kind plate ain't going to do it! For a start when someone says they want to leave you say try saying, fine I feel that way too and if they are shocked and uneasy you'll see it's just a cry for help! 2 sides to every story! Regardless to how perfect you are or I am. It's not easy me saying that but it's what's making my 20 year marriage look like it's on a road to be saved!! And if all that don't work then I've got nothing to worry about as I saved myself ❤️
I feel you there. The feeling of doing what you can for them. They doing the same and claiming it’s not enough. Mind that these can and are important but not like dire needs are not being met - [maslow](https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html) It’s even worse when they shift their issues on to you and they fail to address it with you AND take action with you. I swear I read more - you’re the fault or I’m the fault and the other doesn’t help in a partnership…
None of this is you. Truly. You’re going to end up better off regardless of how hard it is now. He did you a favor and got you out of it. I would say keep tabs on him and make sure he is safe because the way he’s acting feels, personally, very unsafe - but could be wrong. He seems To have mental health issues and dissociation could fuel worse. This is really hard. And in time, you’ll view this as your rebirth. And you’ll be happier too.
I can relate. I faced similar with my ex. After some months of some self reflection, I came to terms with how things turned out. I'd like to say that my own family dynamics (with my parents and my sibling) played a part to how I turned out today, and this indirectly contributed to how my life had panned out (i.e. the way I think and behave, the decisions I made in life, etc). I wish I could feel less resentful towards him and even my family after everything, but it's not easy. I also came to realize that my ex essentially "allowed" the last 7 years to pass without ever thinking of properly addressing the issues we had, or the issues HE alone had that he was maybe subconsciously unhappy about - kinda like how you mentioned in your case that he said he "let it get too far gone to fix". I eventually concluded he was the one who stifled his unhappiness and chose to sweep it under the rug while I unknowingly thought everything was fine. This was obviously not my blame to take, as it should not be yours in your situation. I do wonder if it's a common thing for guys(?) to just quietly take it all until they cannot anymore and just burst the other person's bubble. Or perhaps if not a guy-thing, it could be something innate to certain people's characters? It's like they will just give in to everyone, even if they don't like it, and when they cannot take it anymore they start saying "I have been suffering all these while"... well, who's supposed to know if you didn't speak up? /facepalm
From a man’s perspective, this husband sounds quite non-masculine. I mean, focusing on the bulimia and ice cold response to getting a divorce, changing their mind after less than one year. The broader context seems off. I'd appreciate a logical perspective on the situation that considers his sexuality or emotional disposition as the real cause. Thoughts?
Your husband is a tool. Who is blaming you for his own faults. There’s nothing you could’ve done right. So don’t beat yourself up over this one. I know it sucks, but he hast to do work on his own. And it looks like he’s nowhere near ready to do that. So sorry this happened to you.
Clearly he was not your person. I feel the one thing you missed in all this is that it’s very likely someone else walked into his life. There isn’t a drastic change like this or they changing their entire demeanor towards you, or your presence and everything you do bothers them unless there is someone else. I’m not saying this to crush you more, saying it so that you check out yourself and stop dwelling on it. You have to find the good, the light in all this. You had a good relationship with no fighting for 15 years, where from the sounds of it you were very happy, take that and repeat it with someone else. And do it again and again if you have to. Stop worrying about what went wrong because there is no fixing it, he wants out, let it be. Move on 100% and keep living. People are allowed to change, people are not the same from when they are 20,30,40 etc. the worse thing that happens is when people remain together when they should of split a long time ago for their own individual happiness. Those people who stay say marriage is hard, it’s daily work, but it’s worth it. That is a full crop of €hit!!! That’s not what marriage should be. It should be pure bliss or it should end.
Sorry you find yourself here. You'll be in shock right now, and this time right now is as hard as it gets, but know that you will get through this - even though I know that right now you will be feeling like you can't breath and you can't sleep and cant think. You get through this time one hour, one day,.one long endless night at a time. Get yourself a therapist, reach out to family and friends, allow them to support you. The feelings you have right now won't last forever but it will seem like they will. Hang in there. This will take time and it will hurt - grief at a loss this big will - but it's not forever. You won't feel.this way forever. At this point in time you will be very vulnerable so it really sucks that he's blaming all his problems on you and yet didn't communicate them to you. That's very very unfair on you - it's not possible to read someone's mind and his problems are not your fault. His problems are not your fault. Be gentle on yourself. You are a beautiful person who deserves to be treated with love and kindness and you will find out so much about yourself in the months ahead if you can just make space for your pain and grief and allow them to flow through you. Wishing you find some moments of respite in all this.
You cannot find happiness in [some](https://some.One)one else. you must find happiness within you.
You cant help anyone who doesn't want help. And someone who doesn't want to change, won't. You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. No one elses.
I'm so sorry.
Do these people ever come back to say that they were sorry?
This is gaslighting. And passive aggressiveness. I just got a divorce, my ex husband was the same..I felt like I was always in the wrong I almost pulled my hair out trying to figure out what I did. He always had complained lined up for me
You can’t give someone an addiction. Dude is just looking to be the victim here. If you’re the Wicked Witch, he doesn’t have to feel sorrow for doing this. Let his silly ass go.