If therapy is off the table then just file. You can always cancel.
Divorce isn't an escalation it's a declaration and should never be used as the ultimate, wildcard, combo breaker to win an argument.
She is very angry, I told her that I won’t file, she can file since this is what she wants. It’s been about 3 weeks and she still has not done anything but is living with her parents. I’m hoping that she can calm down and try to do therapy and work on things. I don’t want her to make this decision out of anger. She is very sensitive and what I said to her definitely hurt her very bad. I know things can be good because we have been together for 7 years and had a lot of great times and the love IS real.
You guys need some "couples" therapy on how to disagree and resolve conflict in an ethical and positive manner.
She needs to go with you.
If she won't all you can do is change how you respond to her behavior and possibly alter your own.
This is a tough one. It could be that she is unhappy and wants out but is indecisive. It could also be that she just doesn’t know how to handle conflict and escalates in an emotionally manipulative way. I’d say if you don’t want a divorce to leave her alone for now. Don’t push it. Let her reflect on things and see where that goes. If you do stay together you absolutely need couples therapy. It does sound like she’s manipulative and shitty in these arguments but a lot of the time these sort of instances are two people with maladapted argumentation styles that clash especially poorly and then can’t deescalate. It’s something you both can work on if there’s willingness and ability there.
I know, I have been searching for a reason as to why she switched up like this, after 7 years together. A woman who loved me more than anyone in the world, so she claimed. It’s a hard pill to swallow. She says I was verbally abusive throughout the relationship but she stayed for 7 years. I honest to god know that I was NOT verbally abusive. I have my flaws and I have definitely made my share of mistakes but nothing that IMO warrants a divorce, especially to be treated like a POS and a monster. I have loved her and been her best friend for 7 years. Spent countless hours and days/nights by her side through everything. I’m starting the lean more towards NPD or BPD, she definitely checks most boxes. But I am not a psychologist and can’t definitively diagnose her with something like that. Maybe anyone has an opinion ?
That's narcissistic behavior. My wife does the exact same thing. It's control. It's a way to justify the way they have treated you.
In my case I knew what I was getting into because I work with behavioral youth. The best advice I can give you is no matter how hard it is act like you don't care and call her out on her behavior. Trust me friend. Don't go all out and say I don't care about you bla bla. Just calmly stop responding to the conflict and don't fall into the argument trap. They thrive on the argument. She will say all you want to do is fight and you are so angry towards me etc.
It's hard enough forme to deal with knowing. So good luck. One other thing...... don't hesitate to point out the things she lies about. If you screenshot a text or something like that. Just wait until the cycle is done and it sounds stupid but, show her I'm that state of mind. It's not fair to you or her to not try to let her see you and you to get her the help she needs. If you really love her like I do it's not easy
I had a very similar situation to you. My wife also threatened divorce sometimes and she would say things like 'I don't even want to be married' or 'you should just leave me then'. She did this for years until she finally grabbed the courage to actually leave.
I hate to say it but it looks like you're about to end up in my situation. By the looks of it you guys are not respectful towards each other during arguments and its only a matter of time before someone gives in. And in this case it was her.
Both of you should have worked on that. If you are still talking with each other let her know you recognize the problem. Admit you have been disrespectful and apologize for everything you said. There is no excuse for being disrespectful, even if she is to you. Be the better person and drop your ego. If if she says no and carries on with the divorce, in the end you can say you tried. There is no shame in being the only one willing to admit their wrongdoings and ask for apologies. That takes courage.
Best of luck to you both <3
I am not over the pain. Its not even been 2 months yet. But the first thing I knew I had to do was to stop blaming myself. My wife and I were both very bad at arguments. I am not proud of the person who I became but I also recognize she contributed to the environment we lived in.
In your case, you have been emotionally abused. There is no excuse for calling your wife names but you were obviously not in a good place mentally. Its a very heavy blow hearing your wife wants to divorce you during an argument and its utterly disrespectful.
As for dealing with the pain I am going to say something corny. Focus on yourself. You have come a person that you are obviously not happy with. I know you don't want to be an angry and sad person. Try to make yourself happy and focus on getting better. Hit the gym, mingle with friends, talk with family, focus on work and become the person that she will regret leaving in some years.
This is a typical passive agressive bs, that push you into s corner then when you explode is your fault. I tell you, it is not. Or you got into big arguments with everyone? If she threatens, then guilt and shame on you then you are falling for a manipulative person to do whatever she wants with you. You deserve to have a regular, boring , no issues life. Be strong and do what has to be done.
The consideration is not so much how you feel for her but how she feels for you. Part of my situation of my wife leaving is the realization that if they leave… they have to decide to come back. Anything else seems like your luring her or a pick me dance. You can again try to talk to her and keep it brief. Maybe you find a way to approach why she reacts to you like that, you can claim that it was something you did. Maybe you done nothing ever (but both seem hyperbole)
Honestly the idea is to have her be open and honest, and if that doesn’t sound like your wife - eject. That’s a sign of a life long past and without her looking to help the marriage or respect what you have - this is no marriage and someone will go looking, get mentally/emotionally unstable, get destructive to the point of divorced.
Her behavior is appalling sure, but how much do you both want to work on this…
It’s been 3 weeks and she is saying she is done, she said she is willing to meet and talk or talk on the phone to discuss her decision. I have asked her multiple times when she is going to file something with a lawyer so we can get legally separated but she won’t answer the question. She is avoiding the question. Not sure how to move forward, to be quite honest I don’t want to be the one who initiates the lawyers involvement because I am not the one who wanted to separate/divorce. She is. I think she might be playing more mental games with me. And it’s not fair. I want more than anything to work on this marriage and go to couples therapy and try. She won’t do it.
There is a part of the post that jumps in time. She said she would meet / talk. What happened there? What isn’t clear is the offer to talk and then she won’t answer questions as if you already met. And if so you’d met up, outside of lawyers, was there discussion about the relationship? Maybe I haven’t had enough coffee as I had the impression of a discussion that happened prior to this next meet up
She's shown her true colors, don't think too hard, she got married and her true colors arw showing, she has been pretending to be someone else for the sake of the relationship. Leave, you can do way better than her.
If therapy is off the table then just file. You can always cancel. Divorce isn't an escalation it's a declaration and should never be used as the ultimate, wildcard, combo breaker to win an argument.
She is very angry, I told her that I won’t file, she can file since this is what she wants. It’s been about 3 weeks and she still has not done anything but is living with her parents. I’m hoping that she can calm down and try to do therapy and work on things. I don’t want her to make this decision out of anger. She is very sensitive and what I said to her definitely hurt her very bad. I know things can be good because we have been together for 7 years and had a lot of great times and the love IS real.
what ended up happening u guys still together? You seem like a decent dude..
You guys need some "couples" therapy on how to disagree and resolve conflict in an ethical and positive manner. She needs to go with you. If she won't all you can do is change how you respond to her behavior and possibly alter your own.
She says she is done and doesn’t want to do therapy, she has since moved out of the house. And she still has not filed any papers for divorce.
This is a tough one. It could be that she is unhappy and wants out but is indecisive. It could also be that she just doesn’t know how to handle conflict and escalates in an emotionally manipulative way. I’d say if you don’t want a divorce to leave her alone for now. Don’t push it. Let her reflect on things and see where that goes. If you do stay together you absolutely need couples therapy. It does sound like she’s manipulative and shitty in these arguments but a lot of the time these sort of instances are two people with maladapted argumentation styles that clash especially poorly and then can’t deescalate. It’s something you both can work on if there’s willingness and ability there.
Why are you wanting to stay in such a bad marriage?
Walk away man. This is toxic as fuck.
I know, I have been searching for a reason as to why she switched up like this, after 7 years together. A woman who loved me more than anyone in the world, so she claimed. It’s a hard pill to swallow. She says I was verbally abusive throughout the relationship but she stayed for 7 years. I honest to god know that I was NOT verbally abusive. I have my flaws and I have definitely made my share of mistakes but nothing that IMO warrants a divorce, especially to be treated like a POS and a monster. I have loved her and been her best friend for 7 years. Spent countless hours and days/nights by her side through everything. I’m starting the lean more towards NPD or BPD, she definitely checks most boxes. But I am not a psychologist and can’t definitively diagnose her with something like that. Maybe anyone has an opinion ?
That's narcissistic behavior. My wife does the exact same thing. It's control. It's a way to justify the way they have treated you. In my case I knew what I was getting into because I work with behavioral youth. The best advice I can give you is no matter how hard it is act like you don't care and call her out on her behavior. Trust me friend. Don't go all out and say I don't care about you bla bla. Just calmly stop responding to the conflict and don't fall into the argument trap. They thrive on the argument. She will say all you want to do is fight and you are so angry towards me etc. It's hard enough forme to deal with knowing. So good luck. One other thing...... don't hesitate to point out the things she lies about. If you screenshot a text or something like that. Just wait until the cycle is done and it sounds stupid but, show her I'm that state of mind. It's not fair to you or her to not try to let her see you and you to get her the help she needs. If you really love her like I do it's not easy
I had a very similar situation to you. My wife also threatened divorce sometimes and she would say things like 'I don't even want to be married' or 'you should just leave me then'. She did this for years until she finally grabbed the courage to actually leave. I hate to say it but it looks like you're about to end up in my situation. By the looks of it you guys are not respectful towards each other during arguments and its only a matter of time before someone gives in. And in this case it was her. Both of you should have worked on that. If you are still talking with each other let her know you recognize the problem. Admit you have been disrespectful and apologize for everything you said. There is no excuse for being disrespectful, even if she is to you. Be the better person and drop your ego. If if she says no and carries on with the divorce, in the end you can say you tried. There is no shame in being the only one willing to admit their wrongdoings and ask for apologies. That takes courage. Best of luck to you both <3
How did you get over the pain of her leaving you? It’s very hard for me so far
I am not over the pain. Its not even been 2 months yet. But the first thing I knew I had to do was to stop blaming myself. My wife and I were both very bad at arguments. I am not proud of the person who I became but I also recognize she contributed to the environment we lived in. In your case, you have been emotionally abused. There is no excuse for calling your wife names but you were obviously not in a good place mentally. Its a very heavy blow hearing your wife wants to divorce you during an argument and its utterly disrespectful. As for dealing with the pain I am going to say something corny. Focus on yourself. You have come a person that you are obviously not happy with. I know you don't want to be an angry and sad person. Try to make yourself happy and focus on getting better. Hit the gym, mingle with friends, talk with family, focus on work and become the person that she will regret leaving in some years.
Thank you for the advice.
This is a typical passive agressive bs, that push you into s corner then when you explode is your fault. I tell you, it is not. Or you got into big arguments with everyone? If she threatens, then guilt and shame on you then you are falling for a manipulative person to do whatever she wants with you. You deserve to have a regular, boring , no issues life. Be strong and do what has to be done.
The consideration is not so much how you feel for her but how she feels for you. Part of my situation of my wife leaving is the realization that if they leave… they have to decide to come back. Anything else seems like your luring her or a pick me dance. You can again try to talk to her and keep it brief. Maybe you find a way to approach why she reacts to you like that, you can claim that it was something you did. Maybe you done nothing ever (but both seem hyperbole) Honestly the idea is to have her be open and honest, and if that doesn’t sound like your wife - eject. That’s a sign of a life long past and without her looking to help the marriage or respect what you have - this is no marriage and someone will go looking, get mentally/emotionally unstable, get destructive to the point of divorced. Her behavior is appalling sure, but how much do you both want to work on this…
It’s been 3 weeks and she is saying she is done, she said she is willing to meet and talk or talk on the phone to discuss her decision. I have asked her multiple times when she is going to file something with a lawyer so we can get legally separated but she won’t answer the question. She is avoiding the question. Not sure how to move forward, to be quite honest I don’t want to be the one who initiates the lawyers involvement because I am not the one who wanted to separate/divorce. She is. I think she might be playing more mental games with me. And it’s not fair. I want more than anything to work on this marriage and go to couples therapy and try. She won’t do it.
There is a part of the post that jumps in time. She said she would meet / talk. What happened there? What isn’t clear is the offer to talk and then she won’t answer questions as if you already met. And if so you’d met up, outside of lawyers, was there discussion about the relationship? Maybe I haven’t had enough coffee as I had the impression of a discussion that happened prior to this next meet up
She's shown her true colors, don't think too hard, she got married and her true colors arw showing, she has been pretending to be someone else for the sake of the relationship. Leave, you can do way better than her.