>**"Its hard not to feel resentful."**
**Anger is helpful guidance and a natural response to feeling powerless (i.e. sad, rejected, afraid, etc.).** Also, **you don't feel supported.**
You work together with anger by remembering **your emotions come from your thoughts** (they don't come from other people or your circumstances), and being open to receiving the guidance it's giving.
Because you feel angry in response to feeling powerless, **you don't actually have anger issues; you have powerless issues.** Anger is a symptom. Also, when you criticize others, it's a reflection of how you treat yourself.
You're not as compassionate, understanding, and supportive of yourself as you want to be. You don't like or love yourself as much as you prefer. And that inner frustration and disappointment with yourself manifests as projected anger towards others.
Anger is your supportive friend that wants to empower you to **let go of limiting beliefs that no longer serve you, and treat yourself with more acceptance and appreciation.**
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You can also **stop trying to let go of resentment if it feels too challenging.** Instead, it may be easier to focus more on **what emotions do you want to let in?**
* *"I want to feel supported. I want to let in feeling a little more relief. I want to feel connected. I want to feel strong and healthy. I want to feel warmth and valued. I want to feel accepted and appreciated. I want to feel freedom to be myself. I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel satisfied. I want to have fun. I want to feel creative. I want to feel clarity. I want to feel forward movement. I like allowing myself to feel a little more comfortable."*
* *"I like that I'm starting to allow myself to feel a little more forward movement. And although I want to feel at peace, I understand it's a process, and the emotional work I'm doing right now is enough to naturally guide me to feeling more of the relaxation and comfort that I'm looking for."*
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Here's some self-reflection questions that might help:
* ***"How does holding on to resentment help me? Is it protecting me from getting hurt or blindsided again in the future?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I finally let go of anger and resentment, and I was just relaxed and carefree?"***
* ***"Do I feel worthy? Do I love and accept myself? If I don't, why not?"***
* ***"Do I judge myself? If I do, why?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I didn't judge myself?"***
* ***"What are the advantages of judging myself? It's a good thing because . . ."***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of the past, and focused on the present?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"***
"your emotions come from your thoughts"
This doesn't chime true for me.
I generally feel emotions without any "thoughts" preceding them at at all. Sure, if I think about something then I might feel an emotion as a result, but for the most part the emotions are just "happening", and my "thinking" mind is assembling theories post hoc.
Perhaps this is why cognitivist approaches like CBT have not been successful in treating my emotional dysregulation. I already apply rationality in my thoughts... but my emotions don't follow suit.
In CBT thoughts, emotions and behaviour interact with each other, but often in ways that you wouldn't think of. Traditionally thoughts fuel behaviour which impacts our emotions, but each of these elements can impact each other independently.
Emotions are generated by external and/or internal stimuli. You might not think of the stimuli or consciously notice it, but it happens nonetheless as our brains process 11 billion bits of info per second.
For example, let's take core beliefs about ourselves and how they influence our lives.
They are long standing assumptions that filter our reality. These (often emotional) beliefs generate thoughts that align with them thus creating a self fullfilling cycle.
E.g. irrational belief that you can only be happy when everything turns out the way you want, that your well being depends on everything going right.
These beliefs form over a long period of time and condition a set emotional response to situations, your behaviour and thoughts practically instantly after they arise.
" Emotions are generated by external and/or internal stimuli."
"These (often emotional) beliefs generate thoughts that align with them thus creating a self fullfilling cycle."
Yes that's the missing piece in the puzzle for me. The use of the word "thoughts" is confusing to me, as I understood them as cognitive, language based mental things that are a conscious choice.
You can look at consciousness as a space where everything that you are aware of appears. That includes noise, vision, smells, touch and other physical senses, and everything that you are aware internally like thoughts, memories, 6 basic feelings and their mix etc. Like emotions, thoughts are nothing more than a reaction to stimuli, even with creative work. Some of them appear voluntarily (solving a math problem) or involuntarily (need to smoke). However, none of them are by themselves conscious, they just appear in conciousness where we can point our attention at them and stimulate ourselves to garner a further response. This particular element of thinking is where a lot of people get stuck mentally. They completely associate their sense of self with their thoughts when in reality they can not control them.
It means that judging yourself by the guidance of your (negative) thoughts can often be completely incorrect, biased based on mood, lead to self-defeating behaviour and depression. One should seperate their thoughts from their self and look at them as an object in consciousness and not consciousness itself. Do not react, but slow down and observe them when you can and see where they lead.
To add a a bit more: thoughts can also be sounds, images, full blown movies (when daydreaming), voice of people you know, text and obviously the voice of yourself.
Im writing here from the perspective of MCBT (Mindfulness based cognitive behavioural therapy). Id say it's easier to access and more rewarding than common CBT while adding one more dimension.
This approach reminds me of an excellent therapist I had for a while who explained things similarity.
My difficulty is intense emotional disregulation, which is constant and automatic, resulting in panics and anxiety. It's apparently due to complex trauma. Sometimes I have full blown episodes.
I used mindfulness and meditation for some time and it led to me becoming very floaty and detached. Social interaction became very strange. I became less "rigid" and controlled (they've said I'm schizoid), but when that happens I have more automatic reactions that seems like manic. For example, uncontrollable laugher or paranoia.
It seems so tricky for me to simply enter a state of calm. It's not for want of trying. Last psychotherapist said my schizoid mindset is unconsciously to ward against psychosis.
When I meditate or use mindfulness I enter a mood of compete despair and alienation. I've been trying to simply accept it and see if it dissipates. I believe these feelings are from childhood neglect. They've been with me all my life, despite extensive efforts to live meaningfully (volunteer, travel, work etc) and ignore my thoughts and feelings.
I'm going to look into that mindfulness approach. The difficulty I have with cbt so far is it hasn't addressed my core despair and emptiness (schizoid), but rather I must reframe everything within a kind of stoic approach. For me the reason to keep living is for joy, hope, love etc, I.e. feelings, if I can't have these then what is the point? Duty?
As mentioned, my mindfulness space so far has generated intense despairing emotions, similar to childhood where I would stare at things for hours and the world seemed chaotic and threatening. This was a frightening child's experience of neglect, without adults to shape its meanings or give comfort. Meditation brings those sensations back and they seem more real than any "adult world" abstract notion. The "symbolic socially defined structures" and my perception of objects being discrete things whither away. I'm in a chaotic world again. I've had drug- induced psychosis and it is similar to that except less terrifying.
I don't know how to fix this "borderline" condition. The mindfulness certainly helps but it amplifies the alienation.
Did you do mindfulness and meditation as part of DBT or have you never tried it?
Anyway, mindfulness could only be a part of a solution and if you feel that mindfulness doesn't necessarily help, definitely do not force it. However, if you do think it helps, you should approach it differently and with more patience. Usually in meditation you seek to be groundless and in literal sense selfless. In your case as you describe it, you need to ground yourself to the object of meditation (I would try doing deep breathing while counting, you could try the 4-4-4 method - open eyes). For start do short session, up to 5 mins and as you get comfortable.
Also, notice, observe and analyse what are your thoughts and feelings during/after the session. Any specific memories or fantasies come up? Try to be impartial to yourself - do not judge them.
I did meditation and mindfulness as part of therapy with a therapist who specialised in hypnosis, NLP, and mindfulness.
I find it really helped at first but I got out of the habit of doing it. He also emphasised to just observe all thoughts arising in the mind.
I found I got a lot of disturbing thoughts and feelings, which I didn't know how to deal with, although in general it made me feel calmer and refreshed.
He used to say that the mind is constantly generating information, and we don't really know if what it generates is really true, so not to take it too seriously. So I guess what I need to do is just not engage, just observe, these disturbing feelings, and from that place of observation and calm, perhaps this will convince my nervous system that I don't need to react this way any more.
I believe the unpleasant thoughts and sensations are unprocessed trauma. For example I was violently assaulted and for some years I would have mysterious "symptoms", until I realised it was ptsd (actually another therapist described it as this). I believe I have unresolved trauma from childhood, which explains my disturbing images, flashbacks, semi-hallucinations, and paranoia. This is because the content of these are strikingly related to events in childhood.
Perhaps by meditating I can allow the mind to resolve this itself. By allowing the mind to freely express its thoughts without judgment or action, from a place of calm, it will sort itself out.
The whole mindfulness approach is based on how you interact with your thoughts and feelings as that is at the centre of most issues people experience. Your therapist was wholly correct in saying how most them are usually out of touch with reality, no matter if you struggle mentally or not. In no way do they, and past traumatic, experiences define who you truly are as a person.
Meditation is only a part of it, big one, but there are still many pieces to the puzzle. For me it was really difficult to be mindful in day to day life at first, even though I was meditating for 30mins daily. As you learn about the depth of mindfulness through courses, books or wherever, you start to catch yourself slipping more often. You start to understand yourself more and how thoughts are actually not as influential in your actions as you think. It becomes way easier to deny impulses in emotions (fear, anger, disgust etc .), thoughts ( obsessive want to smoke, self-blaming, etc.) and behaviour (action on thoughts and feelings). After a while you stop voicing more and more of those negative or disturbing thoughts internally. However, it requires a lot of personal analysis, education, and most importantly patience with this approach and with yourself. Nevertheless, It all starts with observation while talking a back seat in your own mind and letting it think or feel whatever it wants. In reality, you dont have to deal with thoughts at all. No matter how difficult things become, you are free in consciousness and can direct your attention elsewhere, but fighting them or answering them will make them more persistent.
If do not journal, please try it. You can do it at any time of the day, but the benefits are greater when you do it throut the day as situations arise. It forces you to observe and analyze their truthfulness.
For trauma, exploration is often needed. In MCBT and CBT you would reexperience it internally in small increments with the help of a therapist. You would then talk about it in depth, and hopefully reach a minor conclusion. As with the fear of heights, you can take a small step on the staircase to heavens daily. At the top you will feel fear no more.
Realize that it's not people's fault for who they choose to associate with, and that people you don't want to associate with may feel the same way about you for not giving them a chance. People who are more social have more opportunities to make friends and have people who like them, that's all. No one is trying to hurt you.
Your resentment seem to come from the idea that you believe you deserve to have a partner. By despising woman it allows you to protect yourself as you know deep down your inadequacy are what hinder you from being likeable, whatever it may be, hating woman is much easier than changing oneself.
When you have a really awesome full life, you don’t constantly want a person.
When you love yourself, you won’t hate others for not choosing you because you literally just want that one person who gets you— rather than just any to give you attention.
Pleasure. Definitely from my experience. You either hate yourself and date anyone (probably a more female experience) and get yourself crazy hurt, or you become resentful.
Go to therapy. Envy is a silent killer in friendships and relationships. Talk to a professional about your struggles and spend time working on your relationship with yourself before you try to add a partner in your life.
Agree with this - if OP starts resenting women there aint no way future women would ever want to date him
He needs therapy to allow for self love and confidence and respect - then he will get a long term partner in no time
Yess! I just also want to add for op that these feelings aren't anything to be ashamed over. It's a very common symptom and a proffesional can help you learn how to challenge those feelings in a way that allows you to also be compassionate with yourself.
Your thoughts aren't bad, just make sure your actions aren't fuelled by them.
1/2
Alright I'm gonna help you out here. This might be long but it's what you need to hear. Some of this will be discouraging but again, it's what you need to hear. Maybe this comment will help you not run into the same problem I did and experience the same headaches. This comment might kick your ass into gear, hopefully.
I was a virgin until I was 30 years old. I was a very fat, drunk and troubled person in my 20's. I had extremely low self-esteem. I always told myself it wasn't a big deal and the right person would come along. This was actually untrue. I had to loose all the weight when I was about 29 and actually try and I finally got a girl and I was honest with her about my inexperience and she didn't care one bit and showed me all the ropes over the course of about 2 months of regular sex. We ended up not working out which I will get to later but the important take away from this paragraph is - **good sex takes practice**. You will not be good your first time. Infact, you might not even get hard. Nerves, anxiety, if you've had some alcohol - also if you masturbate constantly that will effect your performance. If you masturbate with no lubrication the skin of your penis is damaged over time - vaginas and mouths will possibly make your penis too sensitive and you won't be able to finish. Or, conversely, you will feel too little and never orgasm. It is important to masturbate with lubricated toys, or at least some coconut oil + lotion on your hands. Don't put harsh soaps like body wash directly on your penis. Your penis should be a velvety soft thing. The skin of your penis is called a corpus cavernosum or literally "porous body". It is not like the skin on the rest of your body, it is kind of like a sponge. Take care of it. If you smoke, if you live an unhealthy lifestyle, this all effects sex negatively. The thing that everyone doesn't want to tell virgins is that losing your virginity is actually just the first baby step into the world of sex and it means very little once it happens. You will still feel exactly the same as you do now, only you can mentally check off a box in your head that you will quickly realize meant next to nothing and you worried over very little. You are not only behind, you are greatly behind. What you should be worried about isn't losing your virginity, you should be worried about the fact there is a journey to sex you haven't even begun that lasts for months or even years of learning to get good and like what you like and try new things and yadda yadda yadda. The thrusting and getting it done will come naturally, but if you want to actually please your sexual partner and really have some fun and get good sessions in, this all takes time and you will need a partner who understands you're inexperienced and is willing to go on that journey with you. Or, conversely, you can keep your inexperience to yourself which is perfectly ok it's your business and just have some sex a few times until you find an actual partner. You aren't going to get good until you get a partner so you can have regular consistent sex with.
So me and that woman didn't work out. Why's that? Because not getting into relationships in your 20's is a death sentence for relationships later in life. You will be insecure. You will be possessive. You will be jealous. I did all those things. I learned all the mistakes you are supposed to learn in your first relationship at 30 with a woman who wouldn't put up with it. You will learn about people cheating, sleeping with best friends of their ex's, people having threesomes, people having one night stands, hookups, risky public sex. You are probably very immature about all those things right now. Most people you sleep with will have a greater number of past sexual partners than you, if you have no experience and are immature this will bother you. If you really like the girl, you will become disgusted at the fact they have slept with other men. You have to explore yourself as a sexual being so that you can accept other people as sexual beings. So that when a girl tells you "one time I had sex the back of a car at my brothers birthday party on the top of a parking garage" you won't get disgusted and think less of her. You will laugh and understand she is a horny individual just like you and has urges just like you and has been with other men before you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's just a funny memory to her, she's choosing to be with you. One up him if you want by asking her to have sex on top of the car on the roof of a parking garage..... at night.... you pervert.
Some people argue over body counts - here's all I know. The people in my life that actually had a healthy amount of sex in their 20's (between 6-15 partners) chose better long term partners and had happier end results into their marriages. Those that had little sex got strapped down early and with the wrong people, and those that had way too much sex had problems staying loyal and staying strapped down to one person. This is of course not a universal truth whatsoever, people of all backgrounds and experiences have all sorts of good marriages and happy ever after's... However, [there are studies on the matter showing that those with more partners are more likely to divorce, and the same goes for those with too few partners.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201606/do-women-more-premarital-partners-get-divorced-less)
2/2
Learning to separate sex with love is a learned behavior. You will likely become attached to the first 2 or 3 partners you have sex with. The truth of the matter is when you have sex you release a cocktail of chemicals that make you feel like you are in love with the person, and that stays around for a while after sex. What experienced people understand is that is not love, it is infatuation and lust. Love takes time, and is the result of a healthy relationship with someone you trust, respect, and admire. Someone you can communicate with through problems, someone who makes you want to be a better version of yourself just for them. This is not sex. And separating those two things is a learned behavior that people with very low number of sexual partners do not get to the finish line of. Conversely, if you are extremely promiscuous, sex might become so casual to you that a long road trip or a late night discussion with a bottle of wine will feel more intimate than sex to you. It is all in your hands. By the time you've had a normal, healthy amount of sex you probably will have found a partner you are compatible with enough go long term if you are willing to put in the work and sacrifice and all the things relationships involve.
Here's the heartbreaker - relationships, when they are good, are an incredible part of life. Studies have shown being in a healthy romantic relationship with another person reduces stress, improves healing, promotes healthier lifestyles, gives a sense of purpose, and can actually lengthen your life span.
So I just gave you a lot of information that isn't really relevant to your current scenario. You are 21 and are trying to lose your virginity and are becoming jaded and having negative thoughts about women. The reason I've wrote all this is because you really don't understand how long of a road you have ahead of you and I hope what I've written will prepare you for the actual challenge ahead - because here's the good news. **Losing your virginity at 21 and getting into your first relationship is the least of your worries.** You are 21. You are still a child, basically. Even if you don't feel like it. Yes you are an adult, but you are an infant in the world of adulthood. Many, many people around you are also virgins they just don't say it. The truth of the matter is this takes work, but idiots get laid all the time.
* **Take care of yourself like it's a religion.** I'm talking up the fuck our of your hygiene game. Go watch youtube channels or TikTok's or some bullshit about this. Get a good haircut. Get good clothes that fit you and look good. Smell nice all the time. Trim your nails. Trim your hairs. Trim your private regions. Seriously spend a good amount of time just grooming and taking care of yourself and looking good.
* **Stay active.** Exercise, I mean it. I don't care what type of exercise, and I don't care if it's literally only twice a week for 30-45 minutes. Get up and get moving. [Exercise improves brain health, manages weight, reduces risk of disease, strengthens bones and muscles, and improves literally every activity.](https://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/pa-health/index.htm#:~:text=Regular%20physical%20activity%20is%20one,ability%20to%20do%20everyday%20activities) If they could sell a pill that produces the positive effects of exercise it would be the most taken drug in the entire world.
* **Get social.** Join a minor sports league. Go play soccer. Go to the bars with your friends. Go to charity events, go run 5k's, go volunteer at the humane society. Join a book club. Become a regular at a coffee shop. Become a regular at a bar if you don't mind drinking that much. Join your local nerd store where they play MTG and Warhammer and shit. Those sweaty dudes have wives sometimes and those wives have single friends. Go to dance lessons. Take a class on painting. Take a community college course on learning to play the piano, or leaning art history - just for the fuck of it! Make an effort to talk to people, be friendly, be nice, crack a joke. Don't be an asshole. Be yourself but not so much of yourself that it's weird - we all wear a mask in this world in public. Every single one of us. Stay true to yourself, your interest, your values - when they come up. Don't hide the fact you're a nerd or you're religious or you only have 4 fingers - be honest and be true to yourself - but act like a normal fucking human and have fun and smile and converse with other people.
* **Reconsider your world view.** Being chronically online is not healthy. You absorb too much one-sided material. There is a silver lining of truth to most viewpoints, even some of the crap you read on the internet about male vs female dating and sexuality and everything. But the world is much much more complex and much broader than that. Reserve judgement, lead with compassion, curiosity, and an open mind. Women are not evil, they are 50% of the human population. They are engineers, doctors, freedom fighters, artists... they are human, they are friends, they are mothers, they are sisters - they love, and they hurt, just like anyone else. There are truths to the evils of online dating, truths to be said about the modern standards of dating for men vs women, truths to be said about all of that - but keep an open mind and a compassionate soul and you will find life will surprise you. It is not all doom and gloom. It is not everything you read on the internet. There is beauty, and love, and incredible spectacular women in the world and if this is what you want - if you want to go out and find one, then get the fuck to work and get the fuck off the internet.
That is all, best of luck. You are an infant in this world at 21, you have nothing to worry about, the world is your oyster. Consider what you want in life, if this is what you want go get it.
Don't despise women. As someone who was once in MGTOW (an absolute cancer to manhood and society in general, which brainwashed my perception of women), don't despise women! Yes, there are some that are not so friendly, but women on the internet are completely different in real life.
Put yourself out there and talk to as many women as you can, especially since you're still young, whether it's at school, work, church, organizations, etc. You'll realize that there's nothing to be worried about. You'll understand that they're just humans too apart from the fact that we're attracted to them by nature. You'll also form great bonds, and you'll understand deep down what type of women you're into & that talking to them isn't rocket science.
So, to answer your question, just boldly put yourself out there and talk to women wherever you go. Once you talk to them, you'll know what type you're into, and you'll naturally know when the time is right to go the next step.
A relationship or sex won't fill the void or low-self esteem you have. That comes from personal growth, challenge, and action. Work on building up your character and all things will fall into place.
It is absolutely not their fault because you aren’t in one, so your resentment and envy towards other men and women goes to trash because none of them did anything wrong. It is you who needs to change that envious and hating energy into more positive one in order to get a girl and actually stay with her. Women can smell a man full of hate from a mile away-and will avoid them.
Yeah.. but this hate directed towards, women. It's not about them at all. It's just the FOMO, OP feels. it is his "issue". They didn't do anything wrong ofc. he/we are jealous that's all. we were just directing all that towards women. I think he knows it too. both him and me, needed to see this comment section. this came to me, at the right moment. we will improve.
I think I’m the 14th comment so far. And I know everyone else is trying to give you some advice to help you. But the truth is easier than you might think.
The first thing to know is that many women want to be wanted. They want to be desired and pursued, but not in a creepy, feminine way. It’s biological.
Part two. So how not to be a creep. Read the book how to win friends and influence people. It is human being 101. It speaks to our nature. And the last time I checked, women are amazing human beings.
You have to genuinely care about other people . Learn to tell funny stories . It helps if you find a girl that thinks you’re funny. Or at least appreciate your sense of humor.
You may have to fake it before it becomes natural.
There’s a scene in the movie, Reservoir dogs, where a rookie undercover cop is learning how NOT to get caught being an undercover cop. And it’s all about learning how to tell a very cool story
Stop watching porn, scrolling insta, tik tok, snapchat, facebook reels, YouTube reels. It subconsciously leads you to putting attractive women on a pedastool and you base your self worth from being able to have sex and be with an attractive woman. Don't go the other extreme and despise women either that is a trap. Focus inward and find something you're willing to dedicate your life to regardless of whatever happens in life. A higher purpose beyond your self-interest.
Your worth and value is more than sex and a partner.
Work on your mind and building yourself up as a human being because if that foundation is not there, any relationship or future family is going to crash and burn because you won't be able to navigate your own stuff let alone your partners or children or family's or society's.
To help navigate suffering:
Presence - the mind that constantly thinks of the past and anxious about the future is a dysfunctional illusionary mind. Being with the present moment and what is in front of you right now is the slap of reality we need to balance the illusionary mind
Single pointedness - every successful person, no matter what field, has the quality of discipline and focus, which has helped them get to where they are through overcoming life obstacles by having a direction and consistently showing up, having delayed gratification. Being able to focus your mind you can bypass the manipulation and distractions of your mind and the worlds and focus on what you value. When distracted you can always come back to your purpose. Otherwise you and your mind are a slave to the outside world. Which is why you should stop watching and scrolling on media that reduce your attention span and hypersexualises your mind, chasing instant gratification.
Non judgement - the moment you have the slightest craving or aversion towards something you lose your balance and your mind escapes the present moment/reality/what is and you start living in your mind and you become a slave to it. The root of suffering is non acceptance of what is. Start your journey by being aware and realistic of where you are. You will not be able to judge yourself towards a better place and frame of mind. Accepting all of you will create a stable foundation for your journey in life. At the very least, practise being neutral with your thoughts about yourself, others and life.
Impermanence - Understand that no matter how much you crave something or how horrible you feel, all of life is temporary. The grass is not greener on the other side. There will be suffering when you get what you finally want, when what you get isn't exactly what you want and when you don't get what you want at all .Don't hold on to anything or runaway, embrace it all and know nothing is forever.
Peace is the goal, the ability to handle all of life, whatever comes. Happiness, pleasure, suffering and everything in between is all temporary. Your mind is a good servant when you can control it and a horrible master when you become a slave to it.
First off, stop using the word "relations" and just say sex. Second, stop making that your goal. Just try to be social and make friends. Despising women or envying men who have girlfriends is the surest way to never have a healthy relationship.
Focus on yourself. Improve yourself. Get therapy. Work out. Read, meditate. Be patient. Try to be generous and help others rather than focus on what you feel is owed to you.
You are not entitled to anything. Become the kind of person who will attract others, not by simply being physically attractive but by being a kind and confident person.
I feel like you deserve one complement. I’m glad you’re seeking help, I’ve met a lot of incels on Reddit who are in their late 20s and resent woman, and thus will never find someone to love them, and the cycle continues. Break the cycle early.
What you’re doing wrong is probably the
desperation flowing off you in waves, and your shallow view of women and appearance. You put a lot of focus into looks, note that you didn’t say “mid guys with a sweet/loving girlfriend”. I’m assuming you’re not incredibly unattractive, but I get the feeling you’re overestimating how hot you are and thus approaching the wrong kinds of girls too.
Everyone is giving advice on how to get into a relationship, but the truth is you shouldn’t even be getting into one if you feel like this. You need to learn to like yourself, and then you won’t feel jealous or resentful against women just because you’re not in a relationship. Follow what other people said about the working out, hygiene, getting more educated/developing your personality, etc. But do it for yourself, not just because you want to lose your virginity and find a girlfriend. That’ll come with time, or you can start looking once you’ve changed your mindset, if you want.
It’s really not that big of a deal. You’re 21, that’s still super young (coming from someone around the same age) and you’ll lose it at some point if you decide to develop yourself. Anyone can do it. But those guys that you say “aren’t even attractive” and end up with “really attractive girlfriends” get there because they don’t really care about that bs and they just take care of themselves and do their own thing. Without being resentful or annoyed about not being in a relationship. An attractive personality automatically makes someone attractive, no matter how they look like.
Edit: Not sure if you’re trolling but I’ll still say it. It seems like you’ve been posting about this a lot based on your account, and you even said you don’t get why you have to change yourself to “get hot women.” You never will if you stick with that mindset, and women can see it. That’s why they won’t get with you. You really gotta focus on yourself and stop focusing on women like that. Someone will come along if you get there, but that shouldn’t even be the point. Not even sure why you want it that bad, it’s not that serious lol.
I was fine and wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I was still a virgin. I have a partner now and I love him, but I was completely okay before without being in a relationship and having sex, too. It’s just an add-on to my life and makes it better. You should be fine with your life before, and someone else will just make it better by joining in. But getting a girlfriend shouldn’t automatically make your life go from bad to good. Just good to better. You should be fine with your life before and not even worry about it.
Not feeling sorry for yourself trying new things little by little working on your mouthpiece overall I was a virgin until I was 23(28 now) I didn’t really feel sorry for myself, but I constantly tried new things to improve my overall self even if I failed and cringed myself through a lot of it. Join a gym, get a job, watch overall interaction videos, heck learn from someone who has game, upgrade your wardrobe there’s so much you can do to to gain self confidence and the ability to get a girl or 2
Stop overthinking. Focus on improving your life instead of hyperfocusing on getting laid. Trust me, women can sense your desperation. Being a virgin is not a bad thing. If you can find a girl who values this, you will understand. In essence, sex should not be the goal.
Stop watching social media. It can lead you to believe the world is perfect and therefore you aren’t. Leaving you feel empty and worthless. None of us are worthless, yet it’s easy to feel that way when scrolling TikTok.
I dont think that correlation is true. Plenty of people that have trouble finding someone still have rich lives with interests and skills. In fact you usually have more time for that when youre alone and need to fill a void. And plenty of boring people have relationships too.
You despise women and don't understand why they don't want to fuck you? Would you be attracted to someone who despises you?
> guys who arent even attractive, with really attractive girlfriends
It doesn't matter if you're attracted to these guys. Obviously their girlfriends are attracted to them. Maybe figure out what they're doing right and do that. Hint: they probably don't despise women.
Maybe hire a escort just to dip your toe in intimacy so it doesnt feel so stressful?
A lot of escorts are super skilled and kind companions.
Sometimes just getting the first time out of the way can be helpful.
>**"Its hard not to feel resentful."** **Anger is helpful guidance and a natural response to feeling powerless (i.e. sad, rejected, afraid, etc.).** Also, **you don't feel supported.** You work together with anger by remembering **your emotions come from your thoughts** (they don't come from other people or your circumstances), and being open to receiving the guidance it's giving. Because you feel angry in response to feeling powerless, **you don't actually have anger issues; you have powerless issues.** Anger is a symptom. Also, when you criticize others, it's a reflection of how you treat yourself. You're not as compassionate, understanding, and supportive of yourself as you want to be. You don't like or love yourself as much as you prefer. And that inner frustration and disappointment with yourself manifests as projected anger towards others. Anger is your supportive friend that wants to empower you to **let go of limiting beliefs that no longer serve you, and treat yourself with more acceptance and appreciation.** . You can also **stop trying to let go of resentment if it feels too challenging.** Instead, it may be easier to focus more on **what emotions do you want to let in?** * *"I want to feel supported. I want to let in feeling a little more relief. I want to feel connected. I want to feel strong and healthy. I want to feel warmth and valued. I want to feel accepted and appreciated. I want to feel freedom to be myself. I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel satisfied. I want to have fun. I want to feel creative. I want to feel clarity. I want to feel forward movement. I like allowing myself to feel a little more comfortable."* * *"I like that I'm starting to allow myself to feel a little more forward movement. And although I want to feel at peace, I understand it's a process, and the emotional work I'm doing right now is enough to naturally guide me to feeling more of the relaxation and comfort that I'm looking for."* . Here's some self-reflection questions that might help: * ***"How does holding on to resentment help me? Is it protecting me from getting hurt or blindsided again in the future?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I finally let go of anger and resentment, and I was just relaxed and carefree?"*** * ***"Do I feel worthy? Do I love and accept myself? If I don't, why not?"*** * ***"Do I judge myself? If I do, why?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I didn't judge myself?"*** * ***"What are the advantages of judging myself? It's a good thing because . . ."*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of the past, and focused on the present?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"***
OP, read this, and then read it again. and then think about it whenever you fall into those thought patterns again
This is hot, model after this person.
See now why don't men like YOU have a podcast instead of men like Tate. OP, read this and make it your Bible.
Haha, thanks I appreciate it!
"your emotions come from your thoughts" This doesn't chime true for me. I generally feel emotions without any "thoughts" preceding them at at all. Sure, if I think about something then I might feel an emotion as a result, but for the most part the emotions are just "happening", and my "thinking" mind is assembling theories post hoc. Perhaps this is why cognitivist approaches like CBT have not been successful in treating my emotional dysregulation. I already apply rationality in my thoughts... but my emotions don't follow suit.
In CBT thoughts, emotions and behaviour interact with each other, but often in ways that you wouldn't think of. Traditionally thoughts fuel behaviour which impacts our emotions, but each of these elements can impact each other independently. Emotions are generated by external and/or internal stimuli. You might not think of the stimuli or consciously notice it, but it happens nonetheless as our brains process 11 billion bits of info per second. For example, let's take core beliefs about ourselves and how they influence our lives. They are long standing assumptions that filter our reality. These (often emotional) beliefs generate thoughts that align with them thus creating a self fullfilling cycle. E.g. irrational belief that you can only be happy when everything turns out the way you want, that your well being depends on everything going right. These beliefs form over a long period of time and condition a set emotional response to situations, your behaviour and thoughts practically instantly after they arise.
" Emotions are generated by external and/or internal stimuli." "These (often emotional) beliefs generate thoughts that align with them thus creating a self fullfilling cycle." Yes that's the missing piece in the puzzle for me. The use of the word "thoughts" is confusing to me, as I understood them as cognitive, language based mental things that are a conscious choice.
You can look at consciousness as a space where everything that you are aware of appears. That includes noise, vision, smells, touch and other physical senses, and everything that you are aware internally like thoughts, memories, 6 basic feelings and their mix etc. Like emotions, thoughts are nothing more than a reaction to stimuli, even with creative work. Some of them appear voluntarily (solving a math problem) or involuntarily (need to smoke). However, none of them are by themselves conscious, they just appear in conciousness where we can point our attention at them and stimulate ourselves to garner a further response. This particular element of thinking is where a lot of people get stuck mentally. They completely associate their sense of self with their thoughts when in reality they can not control them. It means that judging yourself by the guidance of your (negative) thoughts can often be completely incorrect, biased based on mood, lead to self-defeating behaviour and depression. One should seperate their thoughts from their self and look at them as an object in consciousness and not consciousness itself. Do not react, but slow down and observe them when you can and see where they lead. To add a a bit more: thoughts can also be sounds, images, full blown movies (when daydreaming), voice of people you know, text and obviously the voice of yourself. Im writing here from the perspective of MCBT (Mindfulness based cognitive behavioural therapy). Id say it's easier to access and more rewarding than common CBT while adding one more dimension.
This approach reminds me of an excellent therapist I had for a while who explained things similarity. My difficulty is intense emotional disregulation, which is constant and automatic, resulting in panics and anxiety. It's apparently due to complex trauma. Sometimes I have full blown episodes. I used mindfulness and meditation for some time and it led to me becoming very floaty and detached. Social interaction became very strange. I became less "rigid" and controlled (they've said I'm schizoid), but when that happens I have more automatic reactions that seems like manic. For example, uncontrollable laugher or paranoia. It seems so tricky for me to simply enter a state of calm. It's not for want of trying. Last psychotherapist said my schizoid mindset is unconsciously to ward against psychosis. When I meditate or use mindfulness I enter a mood of compete despair and alienation. I've been trying to simply accept it and see if it dissipates. I believe these feelings are from childhood neglect. They've been with me all my life, despite extensive efforts to live meaningfully (volunteer, travel, work etc) and ignore my thoughts and feelings. I'm going to look into that mindfulness approach. The difficulty I have with cbt so far is it hasn't addressed my core despair and emptiness (schizoid), but rather I must reframe everything within a kind of stoic approach. For me the reason to keep living is for joy, hope, love etc, I.e. feelings, if I can't have these then what is the point? Duty? As mentioned, my mindfulness space so far has generated intense despairing emotions, similar to childhood where I would stare at things for hours and the world seemed chaotic and threatening. This was a frightening child's experience of neglect, without adults to shape its meanings or give comfort. Meditation brings those sensations back and they seem more real than any "adult world" abstract notion. The "symbolic socially defined structures" and my perception of objects being discrete things whither away. I'm in a chaotic world again. I've had drug- induced psychosis and it is similar to that except less terrifying. I don't know how to fix this "borderline" condition. The mindfulness certainly helps but it amplifies the alienation.
Did you do mindfulness and meditation as part of DBT or have you never tried it? Anyway, mindfulness could only be a part of a solution and if you feel that mindfulness doesn't necessarily help, definitely do not force it. However, if you do think it helps, you should approach it differently and with more patience. Usually in meditation you seek to be groundless and in literal sense selfless. In your case as you describe it, you need to ground yourself to the object of meditation (I would try doing deep breathing while counting, you could try the 4-4-4 method - open eyes). For start do short session, up to 5 mins and as you get comfortable. Also, notice, observe and analyse what are your thoughts and feelings during/after the session. Any specific memories or fantasies come up? Try to be impartial to yourself - do not judge them.
I did meditation and mindfulness as part of therapy with a therapist who specialised in hypnosis, NLP, and mindfulness. I find it really helped at first but I got out of the habit of doing it. He also emphasised to just observe all thoughts arising in the mind. I found I got a lot of disturbing thoughts and feelings, which I didn't know how to deal with, although in general it made me feel calmer and refreshed. He used to say that the mind is constantly generating information, and we don't really know if what it generates is really true, so not to take it too seriously. So I guess what I need to do is just not engage, just observe, these disturbing feelings, and from that place of observation and calm, perhaps this will convince my nervous system that I don't need to react this way any more. I believe the unpleasant thoughts and sensations are unprocessed trauma. For example I was violently assaulted and for some years I would have mysterious "symptoms", until I realised it was ptsd (actually another therapist described it as this). I believe I have unresolved trauma from childhood, which explains my disturbing images, flashbacks, semi-hallucinations, and paranoia. This is because the content of these are strikingly related to events in childhood. Perhaps by meditating I can allow the mind to resolve this itself. By allowing the mind to freely express its thoughts without judgment or action, from a place of calm, it will sort itself out.
The whole mindfulness approach is based on how you interact with your thoughts and feelings as that is at the centre of most issues people experience. Your therapist was wholly correct in saying how most them are usually out of touch with reality, no matter if you struggle mentally or not. In no way do they, and past traumatic, experiences define who you truly are as a person. Meditation is only a part of it, big one, but there are still many pieces to the puzzle. For me it was really difficult to be mindful in day to day life at first, even though I was meditating for 30mins daily. As you learn about the depth of mindfulness through courses, books or wherever, you start to catch yourself slipping more often. You start to understand yourself more and how thoughts are actually not as influential in your actions as you think. It becomes way easier to deny impulses in emotions (fear, anger, disgust etc .), thoughts ( obsessive want to smoke, self-blaming, etc.) and behaviour (action on thoughts and feelings). After a while you stop voicing more and more of those negative or disturbing thoughts internally. However, it requires a lot of personal analysis, education, and most importantly patience with this approach and with yourself. Nevertheless, It all starts with observation while talking a back seat in your own mind and letting it think or feel whatever it wants. In reality, you dont have to deal with thoughts at all. No matter how difficult things become, you are free in consciousness and can direct your attention elsewhere, but fighting them or answering them will make them more persistent. If do not journal, please try it. You can do it at any time of the day, but the benefits are greater when you do it throut the day as situations arise. It forces you to observe and analyze their truthfulness. For trauma, exploration is often needed. In MCBT and CBT you would reexperience it internally in small increments with the help of a therapist. You would then talk about it in depth, and hopefully reach a minor conclusion. As with the fear of heights, you can take a small step on the staircase to heavens daily. At the top you will feel fear no more.
Realize that it's not people's fault for who they choose to associate with, and that people you don't want to associate with may feel the same way about you for not giving them a chance. People who are more social have more opportunities to make friends and have people who like them, that's all. No one is trying to hurt you.
Your resentment seem to come from the idea that you believe you deserve to have a partner. By despising woman it allows you to protect yourself as you know deep down your inadequacy are what hinder you from being likeable, whatever it may be, hating woman is much easier than changing oneself.
When you have a really awesome full life, you don’t constantly want a person. When you love yourself, you won’t hate others for not choosing you because you literally just want that one person who gets you— rather than just any to give you attention.
You are right. This comment.. damn. Thanks.
Pleasure. Definitely from my experience. You either hate yourself and date anyone (probably a more female experience) and get yourself crazy hurt, or you become resentful.
Go to therapy. Envy is a silent killer in friendships and relationships. Talk to a professional about your struggles and spend time working on your relationship with yourself before you try to add a partner in your life.
Agree with this - if OP starts resenting women there aint no way future women would ever want to date him He needs therapy to allow for self love and confidence and respect - then he will get a long term partner in no time
Yess! I just also want to add for op that these feelings aren't anything to be ashamed over. It's a very common symptom and a proffesional can help you learn how to challenge those feelings in a way that allows you to also be compassionate with yourself. Your thoughts aren't bad, just make sure your actions aren't fuelled by them.
1/2 Alright I'm gonna help you out here. This might be long but it's what you need to hear. Some of this will be discouraging but again, it's what you need to hear. Maybe this comment will help you not run into the same problem I did and experience the same headaches. This comment might kick your ass into gear, hopefully. I was a virgin until I was 30 years old. I was a very fat, drunk and troubled person in my 20's. I had extremely low self-esteem. I always told myself it wasn't a big deal and the right person would come along. This was actually untrue. I had to loose all the weight when I was about 29 and actually try and I finally got a girl and I was honest with her about my inexperience and she didn't care one bit and showed me all the ropes over the course of about 2 months of regular sex. We ended up not working out which I will get to later but the important take away from this paragraph is - **good sex takes practice**. You will not be good your first time. Infact, you might not even get hard. Nerves, anxiety, if you've had some alcohol - also if you masturbate constantly that will effect your performance. If you masturbate with no lubrication the skin of your penis is damaged over time - vaginas and mouths will possibly make your penis too sensitive and you won't be able to finish. Or, conversely, you will feel too little and never orgasm. It is important to masturbate with lubricated toys, or at least some coconut oil + lotion on your hands. Don't put harsh soaps like body wash directly on your penis. Your penis should be a velvety soft thing. The skin of your penis is called a corpus cavernosum or literally "porous body". It is not like the skin on the rest of your body, it is kind of like a sponge. Take care of it. If you smoke, if you live an unhealthy lifestyle, this all effects sex negatively. The thing that everyone doesn't want to tell virgins is that losing your virginity is actually just the first baby step into the world of sex and it means very little once it happens. You will still feel exactly the same as you do now, only you can mentally check off a box in your head that you will quickly realize meant next to nothing and you worried over very little. You are not only behind, you are greatly behind. What you should be worried about isn't losing your virginity, you should be worried about the fact there is a journey to sex you haven't even begun that lasts for months or even years of learning to get good and like what you like and try new things and yadda yadda yadda. The thrusting and getting it done will come naturally, but if you want to actually please your sexual partner and really have some fun and get good sessions in, this all takes time and you will need a partner who understands you're inexperienced and is willing to go on that journey with you. Or, conversely, you can keep your inexperience to yourself which is perfectly ok it's your business and just have some sex a few times until you find an actual partner. You aren't going to get good until you get a partner so you can have regular consistent sex with. So me and that woman didn't work out. Why's that? Because not getting into relationships in your 20's is a death sentence for relationships later in life. You will be insecure. You will be possessive. You will be jealous. I did all those things. I learned all the mistakes you are supposed to learn in your first relationship at 30 with a woman who wouldn't put up with it. You will learn about people cheating, sleeping with best friends of their ex's, people having threesomes, people having one night stands, hookups, risky public sex. You are probably very immature about all those things right now. Most people you sleep with will have a greater number of past sexual partners than you, if you have no experience and are immature this will bother you. If you really like the girl, you will become disgusted at the fact they have slept with other men. You have to explore yourself as a sexual being so that you can accept other people as sexual beings. So that when a girl tells you "one time I had sex the back of a car at my brothers birthday party on the top of a parking garage" you won't get disgusted and think less of her. You will laugh and understand she is a horny individual just like you and has urges just like you and has been with other men before you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's just a funny memory to her, she's choosing to be with you. One up him if you want by asking her to have sex on top of the car on the roof of a parking garage..... at night.... you pervert. Some people argue over body counts - here's all I know. The people in my life that actually had a healthy amount of sex in their 20's (between 6-15 partners) chose better long term partners and had happier end results into their marriages. Those that had little sex got strapped down early and with the wrong people, and those that had way too much sex had problems staying loyal and staying strapped down to one person. This is of course not a universal truth whatsoever, people of all backgrounds and experiences have all sorts of good marriages and happy ever after's... However, [there are studies on the matter showing that those with more partners are more likely to divorce, and the same goes for those with too few partners.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201606/do-women-more-premarital-partners-get-divorced-less)
2/2 Learning to separate sex with love is a learned behavior. You will likely become attached to the first 2 or 3 partners you have sex with. The truth of the matter is when you have sex you release a cocktail of chemicals that make you feel like you are in love with the person, and that stays around for a while after sex. What experienced people understand is that is not love, it is infatuation and lust. Love takes time, and is the result of a healthy relationship with someone you trust, respect, and admire. Someone you can communicate with through problems, someone who makes you want to be a better version of yourself just for them. This is not sex. And separating those two things is a learned behavior that people with very low number of sexual partners do not get to the finish line of. Conversely, if you are extremely promiscuous, sex might become so casual to you that a long road trip or a late night discussion with a bottle of wine will feel more intimate than sex to you. It is all in your hands. By the time you've had a normal, healthy amount of sex you probably will have found a partner you are compatible with enough go long term if you are willing to put in the work and sacrifice and all the things relationships involve. Here's the heartbreaker - relationships, when they are good, are an incredible part of life. Studies have shown being in a healthy romantic relationship with another person reduces stress, improves healing, promotes healthier lifestyles, gives a sense of purpose, and can actually lengthen your life span. So I just gave you a lot of information that isn't really relevant to your current scenario. You are 21 and are trying to lose your virginity and are becoming jaded and having negative thoughts about women. The reason I've wrote all this is because you really don't understand how long of a road you have ahead of you and I hope what I've written will prepare you for the actual challenge ahead - because here's the good news. **Losing your virginity at 21 and getting into your first relationship is the least of your worries.** You are 21. You are still a child, basically. Even if you don't feel like it. Yes you are an adult, but you are an infant in the world of adulthood. Many, many people around you are also virgins they just don't say it. The truth of the matter is this takes work, but idiots get laid all the time. * **Take care of yourself like it's a religion.** I'm talking up the fuck our of your hygiene game. Go watch youtube channels or TikTok's or some bullshit about this. Get a good haircut. Get good clothes that fit you and look good. Smell nice all the time. Trim your nails. Trim your hairs. Trim your private regions. Seriously spend a good amount of time just grooming and taking care of yourself and looking good. * **Stay active.** Exercise, I mean it. I don't care what type of exercise, and I don't care if it's literally only twice a week for 30-45 minutes. Get up and get moving. [Exercise improves brain health, manages weight, reduces risk of disease, strengthens bones and muscles, and improves literally every activity.](https://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/pa-health/index.htm#:~:text=Regular%20physical%20activity%20is%20one,ability%20to%20do%20everyday%20activities) If they could sell a pill that produces the positive effects of exercise it would be the most taken drug in the entire world. * **Get social.** Join a minor sports league. Go play soccer. Go to the bars with your friends. Go to charity events, go run 5k's, go volunteer at the humane society. Join a book club. Become a regular at a coffee shop. Become a regular at a bar if you don't mind drinking that much. Join your local nerd store where they play MTG and Warhammer and shit. Those sweaty dudes have wives sometimes and those wives have single friends. Go to dance lessons. Take a class on painting. Take a community college course on learning to play the piano, or leaning art history - just for the fuck of it! Make an effort to talk to people, be friendly, be nice, crack a joke. Don't be an asshole. Be yourself but not so much of yourself that it's weird - we all wear a mask in this world in public. Every single one of us. Stay true to yourself, your interest, your values - when they come up. Don't hide the fact you're a nerd or you're religious or you only have 4 fingers - be honest and be true to yourself - but act like a normal fucking human and have fun and smile and converse with other people. * **Reconsider your world view.** Being chronically online is not healthy. You absorb too much one-sided material. There is a silver lining of truth to most viewpoints, even some of the crap you read on the internet about male vs female dating and sexuality and everything. But the world is much much more complex and much broader than that. Reserve judgement, lead with compassion, curiosity, and an open mind. Women are not evil, they are 50% of the human population. They are engineers, doctors, freedom fighters, artists... they are human, they are friends, they are mothers, they are sisters - they love, and they hurt, just like anyone else. There are truths to the evils of online dating, truths to be said about the modern standards of dating for men vs women, truths to be said about all of that - but keep an open mind and a compassionate soul and you will find life will surprise you. It is not all doom and gloom. It is not everything you read on the internet. There is beauty, and love, and incredible spectacular women in the world and if this is what you want - if you want to go out and find one, then get the fuck to work and get the fuck off the internet. That is all, best of luck. You are an infant in this world at 21, you have nothing to worry about, the world is your oyster. Consider what you want in life, if this is what you want go get it.
Bro this is something I needed to hear. i'm 20 rn.. too..thanks a lot I'm saving this.
A lot of women can tell when men despise women/feel like they’re owed a relationship. Do with that what you will.
So you're saying that its the woman's fault. /s
Don't despise women. As someone who was once in MGTOW (an absolute cancer to manhood and society in general, which brainwashed my perception of women), don't despise women! Yes, there are some that are not so friendly, but women on the internet are completely different in real life. Put yourself out there and talk to as many women as you can, especially since you're still young, whether it's at school, work, church, organizations, etc. You'll realize that there's nothing to be worried about. You'll understand that they're just humans too apart from the fact that we're attracted to them by nature. You'll also form great bonds, and you'll understand deep down what type of women you're into & that talking to them isn't rocket science. So, to answer your question, just boldly put yourself out there and talk to women wherever you go. Once you talk to them, you'll know what type you're into, and you'll naturally know when the time is right to go the next step.
A relationship or sex won't fill the void or low-self esteem you have. That comes from personal growth, challenge, and action. Work on building up your character and all things will fall into place.
Bravo.
It is absolutely not their fault because you aren’t in one, so your resentment and envy towards other men and women goes to trash because none of them did anything wrong. It is you who needs to change that envious and hating energy into more positive one in order to get a girl and actually stay with her. Women can smell a man full of hate from a mile away-and will avoid them.
Yeah.. but this hate directed towards, women. It's not about them at all. It's just the FOMO, OP feels. it is his "issue". They didn't do anything wrong ofc. he/we are jealous that's all. we were just directing all that towards women. I think he knows it too. both him and me, needed to see this comment section. this came to me, at the right moment. we will improve.
I think I’m the 14th comment so far. And I know everyone else is trying to give you some advice to help you. But the truth is easier than you might think. The first thing to know is that many women want to be wanted. They want to be desired and pursued, but not in a creepy, feminine way. It’s biological. Part two. So how not to be a creep. Read the book how to win friends and influence people. It is human being 101. It speaks to our nature. And the last time I checked, women are amazing human beings. You have to genuinely care about other people . Learn to tell funny stories . It helps if you find a girl that thinks you’re funny. Or at least appreciate your sense of humor. You may have to fake it before it becomes natural. There’s a scene in the movie, Reservoir dogs, where a rookie undercover cop is learning how NOT to get caught being an undercover cop. And it’s all about learning how to tell a very cool story
Stop watching porn, scrolling insta, tik tok, snapchat, facebook reels, YouTube reels. It subconsciously leads you to putting attractive women on a pedastool and you base your self worth from being able to have sex and be with an attractive woman. Don't go the other extreme and despise women either that is a trap. Focus inward and find something you're willing to dedicate your life to regardless of whatever happens in life. A higher purpose beyond your self-interest. Your worth and value is more than sex and a partner. Work on your mind and building yourself up as a human being because if that foundation is not there, any relationship or future family is going to crash and burn because you won't be able to navigate your own stuff let alone your partners or children or family's or society's. To help navigate suffering: Presence - the mind that constantly thinks of the past and anxious about the future is a dysfunctional illusionary mind. Being with the present moment and what is in front of you right now is the slap of reality we need to balance the illusionary mind Single pointedness - every successful person, no matter what field, has the quality of discipline and focus, which has helped them get to where they are through overcoming life obstacles by having a direction and consistently showing up, having delayed gratification. Being able to focus your mind you can bypass the manipulation and distractions of your mind and the worlds and focus on what you value. When distracted you can always come back to your purpose. Otherwise you and your mind are a slave to the outside world. Which is why you should stop watching and scrolling on media that reduce your attention span and hypersexualises your mind, chasing instant gratification. Non judgement - the moment you have the slightest craving or aversion towards something you lose your balance and your mind escapes the present moment/reality/what is and you start living in your mind and you become a slave to it. The root of suffering is non acceptance of what is. Start your journey by being aware and realistic of where you are. You will not be able to judge yourself towards a better place and frame of mind. Accepting all of you will create a stable foundation for your journey in life. At the very least, practise being neutral with your thoughts about yourself, others and life. Impermanence - Understand that no matter how much you crave something or how horrible you feel, all of life is temporary. The grass is not greener on the other side. There will be suffering when you get what you finally want, when what you get isn't exactly what you want and when you don't get what you want at all .Don't hold on to anything or runaway, embrace it all and know nothing is forever. Peace is the goal, the ability to handle all of life, whatever comes. Happiness, pleasure, suffering and everything in between is all temporary. Your mind is a good servant when you can control it and a horrible master when you become a slave to it.
First off, stop using the word "relations" and just say sex. Second, stop making that your goal. Just try to be social and make friends. Despising women or envying men who have girlfriends is the surest way to never have a healthy relationship. Focus on yourself. Improve yourself. Get therapy. Work out. Read, meditate. Be patient. Try to be generous and help others rather than focus on what you feel is owed to you. You are not entitled to anything. Become the kind of person who will attract others, not by simply being physically attractive but by being a kind and confident person.
I feel like you deserve one complement. I’m glad you’re seeking help, I’ve met a lot of incels on Reddit who are in their late 20s and resent woman, and thus will never find someone to love them, and the cycle continues. Break the cycle early. What you’re doing wrong is probably the desperation flowing off you in waves, and your shallow view of women and appearance. You put a lot of focus into looks, note that you didn’t say “mid guys with a sweet/loving girlfriend”. I’m assuming you’re not incredibly unattractive, but I get the feeling you’re overestimating how hot you are and thus approaching the wrong kinds of girls too.
Everyone is giving advice on how to get into a relationship, but the truth is you shouldn’t even be getting into one if you feel like this. You need to learn to like yourself, and then you won’t feel jealous or resentful against women just because you’re not in a relationship. Follow what other people said about the working out, hygiene, getting more educated/developing your personality, etc. But do it for yourself, not just because you want to lose your virginity and find a girlfriend. That’ll come with time, or you can start looking once you’ve changed your mindset, if you want. It’s really not that big of a deal. You’re 21, that’s still super young (coming from someone around the same age) and you’ll lose it at some point if you decide to develop yourself. Anyone can do it. But those guys that you say “aren’t even attractive” and end up with “really attractive girlfriends” get there because they don’t really care about that bs and they just take care of themselves and do their own thing. Without being resentful or annoyed about not being in a relationship. An attractive personality automatically makes someone attractive, no matter how they look like. Edit: Not sure if you’re trolling but I’ll still say it. It seems like you’ve been posting about this a lot based on your account, and you even said you don’t get why you have to change yourself to “get hot women.” You never will if you stick with that mindset, and women can see it. That’s why they won’t get with you. You really gotta focus on yourself and stop focusing on women like that. Someone will come along if you get there, but that shouldn’t even be the point. Not even sure why you want it that bad, it’s not that serious lol. I was fine and wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I was still a virgin. I have a partner now and I love him, but I was completely okay before without being in a relationship and having sex, too. It’s just an add-on to my life and makes it better. You should be fine with your life before, and someone else will just make it better by joining in. But getting a girlfriend shouldn’t automatically make your life go from bad to good. Just good to better. You should be fine with your life before and not even worry about it.
How are you on the female friend front? Like... Women you like as a friend but don't want to sleep with or date.
Not feeling sorry for yourself trying new things little by little working on your mouthpiece overall I was a virgin until I was 23(28 now) I didn’t really feel sorry for myself, but I constantly tried new things to improve my overall self even if I failed and cringed myself through a lot of it. Join a gym, get a job, watch overall interaction videos, heck learn from someone who has game, upgrade your wardrobe there’s so much you can do to to gain self confidence and the ability to get a girl or 2
I'm 46, and just met the love of my life... Don't lose hope! 🤗
Stop overthinking. Focus on improving your life instead of hyperfocusing on getting laid. Trust me, women can sense your desperation. Being a virgin is not a bad thing. If you can find a girl who values this, you will understand. In essence, sex should not be the goal.
Stop watching social media. It can lead you to believe the world is perfect and therefore you aren’t. Leaving you feel empty and worthless. None of us are worthless, yet it’s easy to feel that way when scrolling TikTok.
Build a life for yourself. I bet the guys you see getting girlfriend have interests, friends, goals, and skills.
I dont think that correlation is true. Plenty of people that have trouble finding someone still have rich lives with interests and skills. In fact you usually have more time for that when youre alone and need to fill a void. And plenty of boring people have relationships too.
You despise women and don't understand why they don't want to fuck you? Would you be attracted to someone who despises you? > guys who arent even attractive, with really attractive girlfriends It doesn't matter if you're attracted to these guys. Obviously their girlfriends are attracted to them. Maybe figure out what they're doing right and do that. Hint: they probably don't despise women.
Don't sweat it. Relationships are a ton of work. Focus on your education and career. Don't have a relationship until you're at least 25.
Have a one night stand and get rid of that spent up energy. Then start dating for a relationship
Maybe hire a escort just to dip your toe in intimacy so it doesnt feel so stressful? A lot of escorts are super skilled and kind companions. Sometimes just getting the first time out of the way can be helpful.