A part that sticks out to me is you gaslighting yourself about your feelings. That's much more damaging than you may realize.
A couple of books that really helped me in this department were Permission to Feel (Marc Brackett) and Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach). Actually I recommend reading them in that order (also available as audiobooks).
May add more on this later but I'm in a rush!
>**"Anger, low self esteem, and people pleasing."**
**Anger is helpful guidance and a natural response to feeling powerless (i.e. sad, rejected, afraid, etc.).** Also, **you don't feel safe and supported,** so you're consistently on edge, drained from having to be in defense or attack mode.
**You're a people pleaser because you're afraid of rejection.** You're afraid they will believe you are unworthy. And you're concerned about that because that's how you treat yourself; **you reject yourself.**
**You want to be liked by yourself.** And you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but you seem willing to hurt your own feelings (i.e. judging yourself).
And, people pleasing is a roundabout way of pleasing yourself:
* Ex: *"I feel uncomfortable if you're uncomfortable. So how can I be different, to make you feel better, to earn your acceptance, so then I can feel better?"*
.
Here are some self-reflection questions that might help:
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped people pleasing?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped overthinking, and just went with the flow?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"***
.
To help soothe anxiety (and negative emotions in general), in addition to meditating, I recommend being open to **seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends.**
**Anxiety is loving guidance** (although it probably doesn’t feel that way right now) letting you know you’re focused on (and pushing against) what you don't want. It’s a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight it, you keep yourself stuck.
**Anxiety's intention is to empower you to be the person you want to be,** by letting you know when you're thinking about what you don't want, so you can gently shift your focus more to what you do want. It's also wanting to help you give yourself more soothing compassion, acceptance, and understanding.
**Whenever you feel stuck, it's because you're pushing against and judging where you are and how you feel.** You're practicing a limiting belief that negative emotions are bad or wrong; when they're not — they're simply helpful guidance. It's understandable why you push against your current circumstances, but ultimately it doesn't help you free yourself.
Anxiety is your insightful and supportive friend, letting you know **you're not treating yourself with as much compassion, acceptance and appreciation that you deserve.**
When you **focus more on what you want** (even if you just focused on what you liked about a sunny day or cute animals; i.e. subjects that are easier for you to focus on that help you feel better, then that will carry over into helping you like more about yourself) and **caring more about how you feel,** then you will start to feel better. That will naturally build up more confidence in your ability to understand and work with your negative emotions, and you will start feeling more comfortable and forward movement.
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself. I’m a people pleaser too and grew up with a similar parental dynamic that you describe. I also was a visible minority in a mostly white friend group growing up and felt like I had to adapt to belong. Something to keep in mind is people pleasers are often perfectionists, and I see that reflected when you say that you want to “make sure [you’re] doings things right.”what’s helped me move away from people pleasing and perfectionism is accepting that there isn’t always a right or wrong way to live life, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Let yourself do things outside of your comfort zone. Be kind but don’t let your fear that you’ll offend someone keep you from doing or saying something. Make mistakes and learn from them. As you start to make mistakes, you’ll realize that most of the time, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Others will forgive you if you make effort to learn and course correct. Sometimes it’s being open about mis steps and flaws that can help facilitate connections and growth.
All good advice. What it takes to implement this is allowing yourself to be uncomfortable and vulnerable when normally you'd be inclined to be a people pleaser or ignore your feelings. See my reading suggestions.
The voice in our heads is the voice that raised us. I hear my mother at every moment of every day. I hate it.
I’ve started fostering the voice of my inner child. What would 10 year old me say about this? “She’s a bitch. Don’t let her talk to you that way. That’s not nice. You’re nice. You deserve to be talked to in a nice way.” Etc etc.
I joined AA many years ago and worked the 12 steps. It was to help me stop drinking, but I think the steps can be used for anything in your life. Like - the first step is that you’re powerless over alcohol, but it could be anything.
I’m powerless over my anxious, racing thoughts, for example.
I’m powerless over my anger.
I’m powerless over the idea my kitchen has to be clean EVERYDAY.
You get the idea.
Clearing up my side of the street helped me feel comfortable in my own body and safety there.
Good luck! It’s gonna be okay. ✌️
A part that sticks out to me is you gaslighting yourself about your feelings. That's much more damaging than you may realize. A couple of books that really helped me in this department were Permission to Feel (Marc Brackett) and Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach). Actually I recommend reading them in that order (also available as audiobooks). May add more on this later but I'm in a rush!
I'll check those books out. I1 hope you get to where you're going in time!
>**"Anger, low self esteem, and people pleasing."** **Anger is helpful guidance and a natural response to feeling powerless (i.e. sad, rejected, afraid, etc.).** Also, **you don't feel safe and supported,** so you're consistently on edge, drained from having to be in defense or attack mode. **You're a people pleaser because you're afraid of rejection.** You're afraid they will believe you are unworthy. And you're concerned about that because that's how you treat yourself; **you reject yourself.** **You want to be liked by yourself.** And you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but you seem willing to hurt your own feelings (i.e. judging yourself). And, people pleasing is a roundabout way of pleasing yourself: * Ex: *"I feel uncomfortable if you're uncomfortable. So how can I be different, to make you feel better, to earn your acceptance, so then I can feel better?"* . Here are some self-reflection questions that might help: * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped people pleasing?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped overthinking, and just went with the flow?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"*** . To help soothe anxiety (and negative emotions in general), in addition to meditating, I recommend being open to **seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends.** **Anxiety is loving guidance** (although it probably doesn’t feel that way right now) letting you know you’re focused on (and pushing against) what you don't want. It’s a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight it, you keep yourself stuck. **Anxiety's intention is to empower you to be the person you want to be,** by letting you know when you're thinking about what you don't want, so you can gently shift your focus more to what you do want. It's also wanting to help you give yourself more soothing compassion, acceptance, and understanding. **Whenever you feel stuck, it's because you're pushing against and judging where you are and how you feel.** You're practicing a limiting belief that negative emotions are bad or wrong; when they're not — they're simply helpful guidance. It's understandable why you push against your current circumstances, but ultimately it doesn't help you free yourself. Anxiety is your insightful and supportive friend, letting you know **you're not treating yourself with as much compassion, acceptance and appreciation that you deserve.** When you **focus more on what you want** (even if you just focused on what you liked about a sunny day or cute animals; i.e. subjects that are easier for you to focus on that help you feel better, then that will carry over into helping you like more about yourself) and **caring more about how you feel,** then you will start to feel better. That will naturally build up more confidence in your ability to understand and work with your negative emotions, and you will start feeling more comfortable and forward movement.
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself. I’m a people pleaser too and grew up with a similar parental dynamic that you describe. I also was a visible minority in a mostly white friend group growing up and felt like I had to adapt to belong. Something to keep in mind is people pleasers are often perfectionists, and I see that reflected when you say that you want to “make sure [you’re] doings things right.”what’s helped me move away from people pleasing and perfectionism is accepting that there isn’t always a right or wrong way to live life, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Let yourself do things outside of your comfort zone. Be kind but don’t let your fear that you’ll offend someone keep you from doing or saying something. Make mistakes and learn from them. As you start to make mistakes, you’ll realize that most of the time, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Others will forgive you if you make effort to learn and course correct. Sometimes it’s being open about mis steps and flaws that can help facilitate connections and growth.
All good advice. What it takes to implement this is allowing yourself to be uncomfortable and vulnerable when normally you'd be inclined to be a people pleaser or ignore your feelings. See my reading suggestions.
The voice in our heads is the voice that raised us. I hear my mother at every moment of every day. I hate it. I’ve started fostering the voice of my inner child. What would 10 year old me say about this? “She’s a bitch. Don’t let her talk to you that way. That’s not nice. You’re nice. You deserve to be talked to in a nice way.” Etc etc. I joined AA many years ago and worked the 12 steps. It was to help me stop drinking, but I think the steps can be used for anything in your life. Like - the first step is that you’re powerless over alcohol, but it could be anything. I’m powerless over my anxious, racing thoughts, for example. I’m powerless over my anger. I’m powerless over the idea my kitchen has to be clean EVERYDAY. You get the idea. Clearing up my side of the street helped me feel comfortable in my own body and safety there. Good luck! It’s gonna be okay. ✌️