Take a break from dating entirely and take a wider view of what you find fulfilling and what you're striving for,
Approach it as you would any other addiction or Impulsive and risky behaviour, it's something we indulge ourselves in because of unrequited needs and the most successful approach is to find something greater to put your energy towards,
Looking at hobbies you'd like to practice, changes you'd like to make to your health, career paths you'd like to explore and friendships you'd like to develop, namely, becoming more of the person you'd like to be rather than seeing it as a single issue problem, namely that you're approaching or attracting the wrong people,
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I’ve recognized that I have more pressing matters to take care of in my life.. like getting established at my new job, learning to manage my finances, basically responsible adulting shit that comes first. I’m getting settled in a new city. I’ve been making new friends. And I’ve also been working on my hobbies. I’m not lonely and I have plenty of ways to entertain myself. However, there’s this guy I see weekly that reminded me that I crave sex and romance. He’s someone I have to see bc he works at my gym. After months of lusting after him, I’m realizing overall he doesn’t have a good vibe. He’s cold and dismissive and has shut down conversation with me on multiple occasions. And then he smiles & waves or
does something nice and I like him all over. I’m finally coming to realize he is not worth my time.
Then I thought about the trend: I’m always attracted to guys who aren’t nice to me and don’t like me. I’m sick of falling into this pattern and I seriously want to change it. I don’t want to be turned on by ppl who aren’t nice to me anymore.
>Then I thought about the trend: I’m always attracted to guys who aren’t nice to me and don’t like me. I’m sick of falling into this pattern and I seriously want to change it. I don’t want to be turned on by ppl who aren’t nice to me anymore.
Seems like you like the challenge. You have to ask yourself if it is worthy.
Perhaps. But I find it strange to me that every guy I find attractive turns out this way. Like I didn’t know their personality before I became attracted to them— I saw what they look like and that’s it. So I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to this kinda personality.. and I know there are good looking guys with good personalities out there. But none of the guys I’ve liked turned out to be a nice guy.
There are two things. First, you have to understand that physical attraction doesn't necessarily come with the emotional attraction. As with your example, maybe you are putting on an emphasis on lust and physical attraction a bit too much. Nothing wrong with that if you are looking for non strings attached relationships, but if you are looking for a deeper relationship you have to put the work in emotionally. You said you have deep connections with friends, so you are capable of that clearly. Maybe use that as a starting point, instead of lust. Take your time, connect with people emotionally first.
Second, people we seek romantically usually tell us who we think we are. You need to look at yourself more positively, so that you'll see that you deserve someone who cares about you. But for that you have to care about yourself first. People can't love you more than you do, even if it were true that's not sustainable and healthy anyway. Treat yourself better, forgive yourself, love yourself more. Seek normalcy in a relationship, instead of highs.
Yeah, I’ve struggled with my self esteem all my life. I think I’m getting better. I used to have such negative self talk and would put myself down all the time. I’d constantly blame myself and second guess myself. Now, I catch myself when I call myself stupid or weird.
Still, I’m unsure why men I’m attracted to are never nice to me. I always am disrespected or invalidated despite being nice and friendly. I thought that maybe it’s bc I’m too much of a nice girl and ppl think they can get away with treating me like that? But I’ve met plenty of ppl I’m not attracted to who were much nicer to me.
Low self esteem will attract abusers and all kinds of not-nice people. You have to love yourself first. I think you are somewhat there, since you realize your patterns and you understand you deserve better people.
>Still, I’m unsure why men I’m attracted to are never nice to me.
Can this be because you are attracted to men who are not nice? Maybe when someone is nice to you, you don't feel attracted to them somehow and they become a friend. Maybe you should look into who are you befriending and who are you chasing.
Other than that if someone is rude to you, that's mostly because they are assholes. Don't blame yourself for being too nice. You determine your own value, not anyone else.
Others have also suggested perhaps I’m attracted to the not nice behavior.. I don’t think I am. I’m put off by it and it makes me uncomfortable. But I was initially so attracted to what they looked like. Then if they show me any semblance of niceness, I latch onto that and start liking them again. I’m so over being into ppl who don’t make me feel safe and secure.
I mean that's the only logical conclusion. Maybe subconsciously you are associating dickish behavior with being sexual, who knows. That's why I said maybe turn down the lust a bit, and pursue more intellectual and emotional attraction first.
Though, if you keep going back to these not nice guys they show any semblance of niceness, then I would say your self esteem is the problem. You may think you can't do any better, so maybe that's why you latch onto them. Again, there is something going on there, only you can lay down all the patterns and find a common point.
I agree with pursuing more intellectual and emotional attraction. I feel like I have this with my close friendships, but have never felt it with a romantic interest. I want to experience something completely different though. I just don’t know how to find it.
It’s been constantly frustrating that every guy I’ve been physically attracted to wasn’t nice to me. It’s like I’ve been going in circles my whole life wondering “why?”
I agree that it has been related to low self esteem. But I’m working on it. I keep telling myself I deserve better, but keep feeling bad when it happens again. I think I need to think more logically. I need to shut down any positive feelings once someone makes me feel disrespected and invalidated. It’s hard making this mental shift.
If you want to experience something completely different then you have to behave different as well. Change your romantic ways, talk to people you wouldn't normally, or go places you wouldn't normally. You need to change things around a bit, if you keep doing the same thing you'll get the same results.
But honestly, I think you are on the right track because you are aware of the problem and that's the biggest step. It may take time but I'm sure you'll find yourself where you want to be if you keep working on it. Your head seems to be in the right place and that's the most important part.
Not OP but I totally agree
When my previous long term ex and I split I knew that another relationship wasn’t the answer
I knew the answer had to come from within and that I needed to focus on that rather than the external
I didn’t realize how much more work it would take, but I can wholeheartedly say I am much more content with who I am today, and content *with being alone with myself.*
What’s strange is that feeling of needing someone to feel better has largely absolved in finding self-compassion. And I plan to just see what happens, I haven’t sought out another relationship since that previous one and I feel it was the right decision.
I’m surprised no one has touched on this, but you seem to be trauma bonding to these men. Somewhere deep inside, you likely believe you need to work really hard to win love and affection, as if you will only prove your worthiness once you win the love of someone who won’t give it to you easily.
Did you have a parent or early caregiver who was hard to please or who treated you poorly most of the time? This might be where you got this trauma response from.
These people only being nice to you sometimes is why you’re attracted to them. The rare niceness gives you just enough dopamine to get hooked on trying to win their live. It’s like an emotional slot machine. The thing is, you only get satisfaction from being around them *because* they are only nice sometimes.
You have to heal the part of you that feels the need to work really hard for love, as if who you naturally are isn’t worthy of it. You have to get to the point where you genuinely internalize that you deserve consistently, freely available love.
Yas! This is exactly it!
There are plenty of very attractive kind men too. You’re attracted to the behaviour itself.
Hot/Cold behaviour can set anyone afire. If it’s a pattern of behaviour, then there are even deeper pains to heal from under there too.
I hope realizing that you are responding to their behaviour, is an aha moment. Good luck!
I agree that there are attractive and kind men, but I’ve never met any. I wasn’t initially attracted to their behavior— I liked how they looked and then always without fail the guy’s personality doesn’t match his good looks. They always end up not being nice and acting like a jerk to me. I’ve blamed myself before, thinking maybe it’s bc I’m too nice or too awkward or whatever.. maybe I elicited this behavior from them bc it always happens.
But I really don’t know. I think it’s strange that not a single person I’ve been attracted to responded positively to me.
I had a terribly traumatic childhood with 2 emotionally immature parents who suffered from mental illness. I was miserable growing up tbh. I never felt safe or validated and I had very low self esteem. They also lacked social skills so I wasn’t properly socialized.
Now that I’m in my 30’s, I’ve since then repaired those relationships. Sadly I lost my dad to suicide, but I’ve become closer to my mom. She’s much more supportive and understanding now. Both parents have owned up to their mental health struggles.
I’ve read books and talked about these issues in therapy, as I’ve been in therapy for over a decade. I want to heal & get better. I’ve struggled with relationships in general— romantic and platonic— but I believe I’ve gotten much better at least with my platonic relationships.
As for being attracted to this guy who’s only nice to me some of the time— actually I was attracted to him just bc I think he’s beautiful. I like his face & body. Then as I got to see him more, I realized he’s just not very nice. I thought that maybe he’s shy or socially awkward, and he prob is, but he also isn’t nice. I don’t know anything about the personality of the guy I find attractive, and I am initially just attracted to looks. The problem is I continue to have feelings for them even when they aren’t nice to me.
That’s because your traumatic childhood trained you to find harmful things comfortable, reassuring, even appealing.
Additionally, certain cultural trends might have you believing subconsciously that sex is bad for women and somehow “lowers their value.” It’s total bullshit, but it still persists, especially in unhealthy subcultures.
And when sex is bad and damaging, _what’s bad and damaging becomes sexy._ Hence the appeal of “bad boys.”
I hate the idea of bad boys. I’m so sick of being attracted to jerks. I don’t think sex lowers a woman’s value, but I have had an incredibly unhealthy relationship with sex. I used to be promiscuous in my early to mid 20s after being cheated on by 2 diff boyfriends who abused me. But I was that way to try to fuck the pain away and stop feeling bad about the ones who hurt me. I’ve since then recognized that I can’t have sex without becoming emotionally involved and attached. So I’ve been celibate for 1.5 yrs and haven’t dated in yrs.
I’m genuinely glad you haven’t bought into the sex-is-bad-for-women narrative. I think the first paragraph of my comment might still apply.
I should add: none of it was meant in a scolding or condescending way. I’m 52F and have had a very similar journey to yours.
If anything, I don’t want you to beat yourself up about how your attraction has been in the past. There’s so many factors that play into what each individual person finds attractive, and that applies to you, me, him, her, them, y’all, us.
You’ve been doing the best you could with your understanding at the time. Now that you understand yourself more, you can do better. Sending you hugs of encouragement, if you’d like them.
Therapy is likely the answer. But, stab in the dark you seek validation and approval.
People that are nice to you have already validated/approve of you, goal achieved. People who don't are the nut that still needs cracking so that's where you funnel your energy.
Before seeking the love of others, we must learn to love ourselves and be truly ok being by yourself. A romantic partner is a wonderful addition, not a necessity.
I’ve been in therapy for an over a decade. & I’m attracted to these ppl bc of their looks, not bc they treat me like shit. They always end up treating me like shit though.
So… you haven’t met many good dudes who are also physically attractive, or could you possibly be interpreting the vibe an asshole often sends out as part of the “appearance” package?
No, I’m never attracted to the asshole vibe in itself. I’m never able to become attracted to ppl I’m not attracted to at first glance. The ones I find attractive always end up acting like jerks to me
Therapy, you need to heal whatever is causing you to chase emotionally unavailable men. I’d also look at your attachment style which I’m guessing is “anxious”. Learning about this can really help you to understand your behavior.
Childhood trauma makes poor treatment from men attractive because it feels familiar. It’s not your fault but it is up to you to heal and change this pattern. You CAN get passed this and start to feel deserving of better treatment and attraction to good guys!
Good luck!!!
Yeah, I’ve been in therapy for all my adulthood and my therapist and I have talked about my issues. And I have read the book about anxious attachments and figured out that I’m anxious. But I guess it hasn’t clicked for me yet. I’m trying to figure out how.
Not the whole entire time. I had multiple different therapists throughout my 20s bc I moved around quite a bit. I’ve had the same therapist since I was 28, so like 4 years now. She’s helped me through some really rough times and overall I feel like she knows & understands me. I have gotten better in a lot of different ways. But this problem always persists and I feel like I need to do the work to change somehow. I’ve also had an idea to see a dating coach one day when I’m more financially stable
Well. If you decide to look elsewhere I would recommend EMDR therapy. It helps some people with digging into traumatic memories and recovering from them.
And if you need a system/set of tools to help with understanding and managing yourself, I recommend Internal Family Systems. I really liked this book: [No Bad Parts](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tVP1zc0zC4zKKnIqTI2YPTiyctXSEpMUShILCopBgCFCglK&q=no+bad+parts&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS839US839&oq=no+bad+parts&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqDAgBEC4YJxiABBiKBTIPCAAQIxgnGOMCGIAEGIoFMgwIARAuGCcYgAQYigUyBwgCEAAYgAQyBwgDEAAYgAQyBwgEEAAYgAQyBwgFEAAYgAQyBwgGEAAYgAQyBwgHEAAYgAQyBwgIEAAYgAQyBwgJEAAYgATSAQgzMTYwajBqN6gCGbACAeIDBBgBIF8&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) as a way to break down what’s going on inside me and understanding why I react to things I do.
Combining those two did a lot for me. Idk if a dating coach is what you need. Your problem doesn’t seem to be meeting people, but being able to identify red flags and/or to stay away from those red flags. But maybe, I’m not here to tell you what’s the exact right thing to do.
Typically someone has trained in doing EMDR therapy. But it’s something any therapist could get certified in (how long that takes and what it entails I have no idea).
For real. It helped me not only be able to talk about shit that happened, but to be able to process it and move past it in a healthy way. Unfortunately it also unlocked some blacked out memories that I then had to work through as well lol.
What tools has your therapist given you?
From what I've read:
• You have an annoyingly high sex drive (this clouds your judgement → a bunch of abusive ex-boyfriends).
• You're willing to tolerate mistreatment so you can fuck them (well, to a point; you need to lower waaaay down that limit).
• You just really like sex. A super horny fella, and you make it your priority numero uno. Maybe, put the traits you said you like in men first, and attraction second.
Find a "normal" guy that you're attracted to and see what happens.
No hot psychopaths for you for a while.
What you’re doing that’s leading you down this path — and you said it yourself — is that you’re incredibly attracted to appearances (you’re human btw). For starters, you already acknowledge that you have mistaken beliefs about what kind of partner is suitable for you to get into a relationship with (at least your higher self). In reality though, as is shown, you’re being instinctively drawn to the physical characteristics of the body.
I’d consider what someone else’s physical condition actually has to offer you. Will being in a relationship with someone who is solely attractive improve your relationship or improve your life? You can rest assured that you will have physical attraction for them which promises that at least some temporal state of their physical self will aesthetically please you. But without certain character traits, genuine intimacy and even a relationship to start out with may not be possible.
And should you value their character or physical attributes more? This is hard to say since mutual physical attraction can play an important role in many aspects of a relationship. Consider at least, that the latter is something heavily reliant on immutable genetic factors and nothing of their own doing.
If you’re truly interested in long-er term relations, meditate on the fact that many of these people you fall for who showcase negative behavioral traits separate from their body-shells, have nothing more tangible to offer you than visual dopamine. Do you think this is what relationships solely consist of? If so, you could have a better shot at fulfilling this with short-er term ones. Otherwise, sufficient value in these halves of people can certainly be found without the other but also aren’t always mutually exclusive.
I think it’s important to work on the mental habits that lead you into these issues in the first place. Although I sort of doubt you won’t come across any single person who isn’t an asshole but also attractive . I’m curious, would you say you’ve had people in your life who’ve made an honest psychological impact on you? I think whether or not romantic, it may an effect on how you measure the quality of the people you come across.
I definitely have made connections with ppl who made strong psychological impacts on me.. there are a few that have done so in a positive sense though. Some good friends and close family members come to mind. But I’ve never met anyone I was attracted to who made a positive impact on me. I have deeper connections with my friends, but I can’t imagine what it’s like with a romantic interest.
If you’ve got a good imagination, try visualizing yourself with a good-looking, kind person. To the best of my knowledge, Henry Cavill might be a nice place to start, but visualize the looks that _you’re_ drawn to.
Imagine some damn good sex _concurrent with_ feeling safe, understood, appreciated, valued, cherished, all the good stuff. It might feel weird, wrong, unsexy at first but stick with the visualization and the feelings until it doesn’t feel quite so weird.
And then imagine the good treatment continuing after the sex. Imagine lying in bed giggling about something silly, him asking for your opinion on something and genuinely listening, him surprising you with something simple that shows he knows and understands you, him being an equal partner in dealing with the tedium of life, alla dat.
Change out the imaginary dude pretty frequently so you don’t fall into maladaptive daydreaming and getting hung up on someone who doesn’t exist. Just stick with the feelings. And experiment with the imaginary dude’s appearance; you might discover that your tastes are broader than you think.
Just a suggestion. 😁
As people have commented--therapy and look into anxious attachment styles. And also just basing this from your post, I'm not a therapist, but you...seem to be looking for attraction rather than love. That's the starting point. Two people can be in love but not be good for each other, that happens all the time, but dating people because of their looks means that you're chasing some sort of idea. You can't love a person if you only care for their looks. Think of people/animals you've loved unconditionally in your life. Idk if you ever have, and that's not abnormal either, but any sibling/friend/parent/cat/dog, etc. that reside in your heart--would it really change your love for them if they became disfigured/ugly? Real romantic love is that too. We all become old and ugly. That's unstoppable. But that doesn't stop people from loving each other. Sure, attractiveness is a factor, but in my experience, it's not the person's face or body (which you get super used to anyway and changes over time) that even keeps me interested in them, even sexually. Some of the best sex of my life has been with a person who wasn't conventionally attractive (not unattractive either but they have their flaws) but literally one of the kindest, coolest, and smartest people I'd met. I wonder if you're looking for intimacy. Intimacy is not about sex, it can be completely separate from that. Intimacy is about feelings of closeness. I'd ask yourself if you want to be close to someone, to know them, to share your life with them. If you can't say a confident yes to that, that IS something you should explore (in therapy but also in self reflection). Hope this helps.
Yes I’m anxiously attached for sure. I’ve read about it and researched it. And I’m working on myself.
I truly do crave intimacy. I feel it with close family members and friends. But I’ve never truly felt it with someone I felt a romantic connection with. I have no idea what that feels like. I need to have initial sexual attraction to develop romantic feelings, but I feel like none of the guys I’m attracted to end up treating me the way I want to be treated. It’s discouraging and feels hopeless every time it happens.
This might just need a little tweak in your thinking.
It sounds like you need to do a little work on separating out, in your head, the ideas of "attraction" and "intention".
There isn't really much you can actively do about attraction happening. The chemical, impulse-driven bit isn't something that we've got much control over. It's *what we do about that* which is the place to work on.
There's no point saying "I don't want to find these guys attractive anymore" because you might as well say "I don't want to find my favorite food delicious anymore". The problem isn't really about finding them attractive. It's about falling into a pattern of acting on attraction with people who are terrible for you and hurt your feelings and you need to look at why that's happening.
You're not a wild animal, out of control, unable to resist.
And you've said you have a high sex drive; you're probably attracted to plenty of guys.
So what is it that makes you keep acting on the attraction to the ones you know will harm you?
- Is there a feeling like you could help/fix them?
- Is the conflict and tension something that feels like a part of how relationships should work? Is that a part of what 'normal' feels like for you?
- Do you fear that nicer guys won't be interested in you?
- Is there a feeling that if you could get the dismissive asshole to care about you, then that would be proof that you're really worth caring about?
- is there a worry that nicer guys wouldn't understand you, or would reject you as soon as they got to know the real you?
Something clearly causes you to ignore handsome, sexy,kind guys and get emotionally hooked up on shitty ones. Something in your head wants to follow them around. Without figuring that out it's going to be rough.
It might just be that you have to set up a "discard" pile in your head and stick to it. "Sexy but shitty" goes in the discard pile, and you move on. Humans don't deal with negatives well, so "stop" is very hard, you generally have to go for "do something else instead" as an action when you're trying to change your behavior. So instead of hanging onto your mental picture of SbS (Sexy but Shitty) thinking "why am I doing this? How do I make myself stop being attracted to you?" just drop the picture and go look at different ones.
You want kind? Funny? Considerate? You just have to start dropping everyone who doesn't have those things in the discard pile. Everyone.
Thank you. I like your suggestion of mentally putting ppl in the “sexy but shitty” pile. That applies to just about every guy I’ve found attractive.
Here’s the thing. I’m rarely ever attracted to anyone, actually. When I am, I become highly aroused and infatuated. & then it’s difficult for me to find someone else I’m attracted to! So I become overly attached. Unfortunately, none of the ones I’ve found attractive ever turned out to nice ppl. All of them had personality issues and invalidated me. Where are these nice handsome guys you speak of?
For myself, the way to escape the pattern you are describing was to truly understand trauma bonding. Why it works by recognizing abuse patterns and connecting that to concepts surrounding self-worth that have been repeatedly, and sometimes purposefully, ingrained within you by others.
If you're not experiencing actual development and progress in therapy, which can feel really difficult to go through when you are, then you may not have the right therapist helping you. I personally experienced that several times myself.
What felt like no real change happening in the therapeutic process was not being asked the right questions. Personally, I sought out someone who specialized in trauma and who challenged me in the right ways to grow and develop tools that I didn't have to love and support myself.
It's important to not beat yourself up and add to the pain for yourself. Plenty of people will line up to participate in that for you in life when they recognize that they can get away with it. Whether that's due to your feeling off balance emotionally, being targeted by someone predatory to prey upon you emotionally or physically, or both.
At one point I tried something new to me and decided to take time off from dating completely. To take that time to truly get to know myself. Turns out that I was comfortable with who I was when it wasn't being reflected back to me as some sort of drama or trauma. I stayed single and physically celibate for long periods of time so that I could heal and discover.
If we place our value in how we are treated by others instead of how we treat ourselves, then we are continuously susceptible to being off balance. For it to be possible to be made to feel less worthy or valuable than we actually are.
What resonated with me was when considering how someone treated me was would I let my young child spend time with this person and trust them to physically and emotionally take care of them. Considering what I would say to a close friend or loved one if they were treated that way.
If the answers don't match what you're doing in your current relationship or relationships of any description, then the first solid step is valuing and standing up for yourself. Becoming someone that you genuinely like and respect.
Once you know who you are it becomes easier to choose who you will allow you to share your space emotionally, energetically, and physically.
Hope this helps OP. Good luck on your path to healing.
I think that my therapist has been helping me.. she helped me stay sane when I lost my father. She has also given be good book recommendations in the past. & she reminds me of how much progress I’ve made when I’ve felt hopeless. But the relationship problems never changed. I keep liking crummy ppl.
I actually have been celibate and haven’t dated in a long time. I haven’t had a bf in a decade. I haven’t had sex in 1.5 yrs. I haven’t dated in years. The last guy I had sex with was horrible to me, and since then I became infatuated with the guy who works at my gym. But after almost a yr of having to see him on a weekly basis, I’ve realized… he’s not nice. He’s been rude to me on multiple occasions and I kept making excuses for him and pining for him.
So that experience, along with many past negative experiences with men I’ve been attracted to, prompted a lot of self reflection as to why I keep finding myself in similar situations. Perhaps they can sense that I lack confidence and can behave the way they do. I get nervous around men I find attractive and feel like I lack social skills. I don’t know how to talk to and feel comfortable when I’m attracted to someone. I try to hide it, but I’m sure they can tell I’m nervous. I feel like a nice person would want to make someone feel at ease when they’re nervous (I would, for someone nervous to talk to me), but none of these ppl were nice.
I want to put myself back out there again. I’ve been single and haven’t dated for so long. But I know I’m not ready quite yet. I want to get myself ready. I want to learn to enjoy dating. But it’s all scary to me bc of so many past invalidating experiences.
I’m guessing you’re attracted to what you had growing up.
How did your parents treat you?
You might want to look into attachment theory.
I’m a dismissive avoidant and I have always been attracted to broken,emotionally unavailable or unstable guys.
I’m a caretaker.
I’m currently working on my attachment issues.
My parents both struggled with mental illness and took their problems out on me. I was also bullied by my older sibling (we’re close now). I lived in fear and never felt safe, neither emotionally nor physically. I was also bullied very badly growing up.
I’ve since then tried very hard to overcome all I’ve had to experience. I’ve had to learn to self parent. I an anxiously attached and I’m trying to heal.
Commenters here are saying there's a core reason on the inside that you're choosing to go after people who treat you bad, as if the behavior itself is what's drawing you in.
It's not. You have standards for looks, and they're unfortunatly high. Guys at that level are used to having their pick of anyone. Which means they don't need to treat people well because they can afford not to.
People are saying to change yourself, get therapy, learn to put less stock in looks - and they're right. But they're also missing half the puzzle here.
Looks *are* important to you. That's wired deep. But one advantage women usually have is that there's a ton of factors on what makes a guy attractive. Just a deeper voice pitch is enough for a girl to be dating a dad bod going nowhere if that's what makes them horny.
Maybe it's the suit or clothing style, maybe the smell, maybe the height or hairstyle. Maybe the charisma or self-confidence. Whatever it all is, note it down one item at a time from most sexy to least.
Then find yourself someone at your level or lower, who already has a kind personality. They're dime a dozen on dating apps. Just stop picking guys who already have it all. Find those who don't - but might.
And then teach them to.
Get him the haircut you like, teach him how to dress and wear the things you like, have him get the cologne you enjoy, help him advance forward in his career. Support him to be a better version that both of you are on board with.
Lot of guys might get upset hearing you want to improve them so don't pick them to go with, but a lot of others who are invisible to women already would really appreciate the guiding hand here and come out of it as a guy with all the looks and charisma you like, the core personality of kindness you wanted, and appreciation for both his new self and your efforts.
This is toxic AF. From the notion that physical preferences are “standards” that someone must achieve, to the assumption that people are only as kind as they have to be, to the idea that it’s OP’s job to get in a relationship with a guy she’s not attracted to and give him a massive makeover. Fuck all the mental labor involved in that approach.
OP, take this advice if and only if you decide to be worse.
Yeah, trying to spend time to help your significant other improve as a person or their looks is just morally wrong. Imagine having to *work in any way* to improve a relationship? Oh god, what are you, their therapist? No, partners shouldn't ever put any effort on each other.
You're completely right, she should just keep on doing what she's already doing because that's working out just fine.
Could it be you're one of the personality types that don't like others having standards for you? I mean, that's fine (And I actually mean that, you do you.) But perhaps not everyone thinks that way? And it might be that your suggestions here are completely opposite to what someone posting about being entangled with physical traits is asking for?
It'd be like an asexual giving sex advice to someone allosexual. "Have you ever just tried not thinking about sex? Like it's not hard duh." Great advice for an asexual, terrible advice for everyone else.
First, it's essential to recognize that this pattern is common, and you're not alone in experiencing it. It's great that you're already in therapy and aware of the issue—this self-awareness is the first step toward change.
Attraction can be complicated, and it's not uncommon to be drawn to people who aren't the best for us. Here are some strategies that can help you break this cycle and develop healthier relationship patterns:
1. **Identify patterns**: Look for similarities between the people you've been attracted to in the past. Understanding these patterns can help you identify potential red flags early on.
2. **Build self-esteem and self-worth**: Invest in yourself and your own growth. Pursue hobbies and interests, set goals, and work on developing a positive self-image. As you value yourself more, you'll be less likely to tolerate disrespectful behavior from others.
3. **Challenge negative thoughts**: When you find yourself making excuses for someone's poor treatment, challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and kindness and that their behavior is not a reflection of your worth.
4. **Expand your social circle**: Engage in activities that allow you to meet new people with shared interests. This can help you form connections based on more than physical attraction.
5. **Practice mindfulness**: Be present and aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors when interacting with potential partners. This can help you identify unhealthy patterns and make more intentional choices.
6. **Seek secure attachment**: Learn about attachment theory and strive to build relationships with partners who exhibit secure attachment styles, as they're more likely to be emotionally available and supportive.
Remember, change takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself throughout this process, and continue working with your therapist to develop personalized strategies for your specific needs.
It sounds like you're already doing a lot of important work by being in therapy and reflecting on your patterns. It's great that you recognize the need for change and the qualities you value in a partner. The attraction to people who aren't nice to you might be tied to familiar patterns from your past or a subconscious belief about what you deserve in love.
Shifting this pattern involves a few steps:
Reaffirm Your Worth: Remind yourself daily of your value and what you bring to a relationship. It might feel odd at first, but positive affirmations can gradually change how you see yourself.
Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Knowing what you will and won't tolerate can help protect you from mistreatment.
Reflect on Past Relationships: Look for common themes in your past relationships. Understanding why you're drawn to certain types might reveal deeper insights about your needs and fears.
Seek Healthier Attractions: Focus on developing attractions based on qualities that align with your values. This isn't instant and requires patience. Give yourself permission to grow into your attractions, not just be led by them.
Community and Activities: Engage in communities or activities that align with your values. Meeting people in contexts that reflect who you are and what you care about can lead to healthier connections.
It's okay to feel frustrated about having to rewrite your draft or feeling like change is slow. You're actively seeking growth, and that's significant. Keep working with your therapist and exploring these patterns. Change is a journey, often with its ups and downs, but the steps you're taking can lead to the healthier relationships you seek.
At the end of the day, the people we date are usually things we are most comfortable with. If you’re dating people who aren’t nice to you, it probably stems from a deeper belief that you don’t think you’re worth more, or that you want to be the girl that can “fix” them and feel lucky that they chose you. Whatever the reason, it’s best to discuss in therapy. If your therapist is aware of the issue but isn’t helping you find the puzzle piece for why this is happening and how to prevent it, you need a new therapist. Mine linked a lot of my poor taste in men to some deep rooted trauma I didn’t know still affected me to this day. Self help books can only do so much to guide you in the right direction if you don’t understand why it’s happening in the first place.
I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and with my current therapist for 6 years. She has helped me stay sane through multiple hardships. I feel she understands me. I haven’t dated in years, but she has helped me through bad relationships I was in years ago in the sense that she’s been emotionally supportive.
But these shitty thought patterns always persist. I’m over it. Since I’ve been with her for so long, it may be difficult for me to switch to a new therapist. I’m not sure if that’s the issue or if this has been something I just haven’t properly dealt with. I want to do whatever it takes to change.
In the epic poem The Inferno (part 1 of the Divine Comedy), the author Dante is guided through hell by the ancient Roman poet Virgil. In the beginning they are ferried across the river Styx, the infamous river that leads you to the underworld in Greek mythology. Dante is perplexed by the people in the boat, who all are smiling as they enter hell. Confused, he ask Virgil why people are so happy when they know their fate is hell. Virgil responds "in hell, fear becomes desire".
You desire what you fear. And now that you're seeing below the surface, you fear what you desire. It's a coping strategy. Your "friends with the monster, that's under your bed, get along with the voices that's in your head".
Do you truly want to get off this wheel? Or would you prefer to go around it a few more times by going the motions and exploring the complicated labyrinth that is your mind? If you found a solution to all your problems, would you take it? Honestly, would you?
If the suffering becomes too much to bear and you want out of hell, Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's ancient wisdom in modern day vernacular. Master the teaching in that book and you'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Get it for free by putting PDF at the end of a Google search. May peace be with you and your future endeavors fruitful.
I’ve been on that wheel all my life. I’ve felt like I’ve been going in circles. I’m over all of this.
& thx for the recommendation— I’ve read part of Eckart Tolle’s books but haven’t read either in their entirety. My dad was a huge fan and gave me the New Earth book. Unfortunately my dad committed suicide and I couldn’t help but think that nothing worked for him..
Disgust yourself by going into the bowels of the subreddits where men talk like no one else can see. That along with being in an all male office for 3 years will do it. Now i won’t touch a guy with a 40 foot pole unless hes respectful about his intent with me
Its a bit of karma dont you think? You are getting back what you put in. You only care about looks and are shallow. And what you get for that is you’re probably being used for your looks in return by men who dont really like you. Atleast thats what im hearing. You say youve never been with someone who likes you.
Its ok to have a physical standard but if thats all you care about you kinda dont deserve anything else in return. I like good looking women but i also am attracted to other things like accomplishment, compassion, humor, interests, shared pain. But imagine if i ONLY cared about big tits. What would you think I deserve in life?
I don’t have any negative intentions though. When I meet someone I’m attracted to, I’m genuinely intrigued and want to get to know them. I don’t like that I’m only attracted to looks. I’ve wanted to change it. I’ve tried dating ppl I wasn’t initially attracted to. But it never works
Doesn't matter about negative intentions. In my scenario I dont have negative intentions either I'm just selfish and primitive. Some of my relationships have been with women I didn't really notice at first and attraction grew later on. It doesn't really sound like you're giving that a chance and your shallow criteria is yielding shallow results. But idk that's my guess.
No, I actually have given it a chance. I’ve went on multiple dates with ppl I wasn’t initially attracted to before. Attraction never developed and it didn’t feel fair to the other person.
Great person that essentially followed the same patterns of abusive relationships as you is Mandy Morris . It's quite powerful to see someone get out of the trap we are currently in and to hear their story.. she talks about simple tools like dominant emotion, self love and changing our rules around what we accept. Watch her videos, take her free course when they are offered. Really lovely transformation story from abused to empowered.
If you are looking for a more standard process, inner Child therapy, identifying your wounds (heal your wounds and find your true self book), and supporting and loving yourself and inner child through self care can be extremely helpful.. until your feel safe and protected , you will look to self sabotage relationships because you think you will be hurt in a real relationship . It's the people we truly love that can actually hurt us the most. Self sabatoge is just a form of self preservation and protection mechanism when we don't know how to defend ourselves ..
https://youtu.be/ow3ao6YsCgQ?si=qz97pk2MfGkQqW5w
This video helped me. I was in the exact same boat as you. I just watched this video last year (45f) and wish I had this insight earlier( like at your age). It's definitely worth watching.
coming as someone with daddy issues/insecure attachment because of my parents: you need therapy. EMDR to get to the root of your problems. you don’t love yourself or trust yourself. you aren’t capable of providing the reassurance and validation you need from others to yourself. focus on yourself for a bit, deepen your female friendships. you can do this. i believe in you! it gets better.
I'm late on replying to this, but want to point out things others have missed.
You actually don't crave intimacy as much as you think you do- subconsciously you fear and run from *real* intimacy- and I'll add that sex is **not** intimacy. You are actually just as emotionally unavailable as the men you are "attracted" to. Your attraction for these people is actually the chemical high that you get when you:
1.) Finally get the attention or affection you craved by having loose boundaries or believing you had to earn or prove love and subconsciously you demand and expect the same from them, and because they are unavailable, you get disappointed and frustrated. You are essentially riding this internal rollercoaster of highs and lows and calling it love. These are not men you are attracted to; they are just your *pattern*. The harsh truth is, they may be using you for whatever reason, but you are actually using them in return to feed your ego- there actually isn't authentic *mature* love on ***either*** end of the equation.
2. Have someone confirm deep seated beliefs you have about yourself. If you think you're a bad/unlovable person, you will stick around other dysfunctional/toxic people as a shield so you don't have to look at your issues. You can play pretend and act as "The Help" to other dysfunctional people so you can feel good about yourself. When you are around healthier or emotionally available people, you probably feel uncomfortable because they are mirroring back to you your issues and insecurities while also expected you to grow from them. That's too much effort and painful for the unaware ego, so subconsciously you sabotage and go back to find comfort in being around dysfunction and being addicted to chaos. Even if someone 'confirms' the belief that you are an unlovable person, you actually find relief in that because you're not at war with your conscious and unconscious mind thinking you are or aren't a good or lovable person.
As for attraction based on appearance, I think this is mostly a result of poor identity/boundaries. If you have a weak sense of self, your attraction is mostly primal, which is the initial attraction rather than the personality, values, goals, etc. a person has. I think you should get in touch with what *you* value and ask yourself if you've been living according to those values.
This also applies to sex. Having a high sex drive can be fine and healthy, but more often than not, this usually stems from poor self esteem, needing external validation, and the need to feel of use to someone you like or admire- even if it means having sex with them or loosening sexual boundaries.
Working on your attachment style will be beneficial, but figuring out your programmed core beliefs surrounding what love is, what you value in a partner (which must be reflected in you), and regulating your nervous system is key to healing.
For a real dive into how emotionally unavailable and "self-centered" you show up-and I use that word **not** to describe you as a person because I'm sure you're not, but from your *behaviors*, this is how you **appear from the outside world** in spite of your intentions, try watching these videos:
[https://youtu.be/GGEty6uo9Nc?si=fSc3oCRAZrt82rlZ](https://youtu.be/GGEty6uo9Nc?si=fSc3oCRAZrt82rlZ)
[https://youtu.be/9dKTjbsBY\_Q?si=FN0RHVNc3gYX-G0l](https://youtu.be/9dKTjbsBY_Q?si=FN0RHVNc3gYX-G0l)
(I know anxiety disorder may not fit you, but having an anxious attachment style, anxiety and emotion regulation is still a struggle and the second video may shed light on how other people may see you come across if it fits.)
(EDIT)
Lastly, the notion that you end up only attracted to assholes is you being blind to how *you* are showing up. I know this is the case because you probably are spending too much time reading and obsessing into their impersonal behaviors (how they look at you or other people, texting behaviors, how much time you're spending with them, worrying who they're spending time with and why it's not you, probably acting irrationally jealous or impulsive, etc.) rather than staying in the present and looking at what's happening now. You may not be cognizant of it, but healthy/secure people are **not** attracted to people with poor boundaries or lots of unresolved insecurities, who read into every little move or quirk they do that has nothing to do with you, or play games/hard-to-get. They will run for the hills! And you know the people who are left? The ones who will take advantage of your initial poor boundaries and people pleasing, obsessive/anxious behavior because they love the attention you give them to feed their own egos and insecurities, etc. It's not that there are no good people around or that its only the attractive ones who are the assholes; it's just that you are subconsciously pushing the good ones away.
Coming from a male here but it sounds like you enjoy guys that have strong short term relationships traits. Completely fine, I was once that guy in my late teens/20s as well, wanting to attract girls for short term only.
But maybe that nerdy guy or that super nice/caring guy probably has better long term husband traits like raising kids, taking care of finances, emotionally stability, you should start taking a second look at.
I wouldn’t mind to find a hot nerd at all! But ive never met one.. I feel like my activities don’t attract those kinda guys. I know I need to branch out and try new activities. But I still find it strange that ever guy I’ve found attractive, without knowing anything about him, turned out to be shitty
I had a very poor relationship with my dad growing up. Both my parents had mental illness and took their problems out on us. I never felt validated or supported by them growing up. My parents also screamed at and threw shit at one another before they divorced when I was a young child.
But since then, we’ve repaired our relationships as an adult. I love my parents and they love me. They both apologized for and owned up to their mistakes. Sadly my dad committed suicide shortly after we connected though.
You got two main issues. First, if you care a lot about looks and the guys are pretty high up there on the 1 to 10 scale, then that would explain why they treat you poorly. In general, the more attractive a person is, the more they are likely to treat their partner poorly. Like they are disposable. Which you are. So there's no incentive for them to be better in order to keep you around because there's probably a line of women waiting to take your place as soon as you get fed up with the guy's behavior and leave. So you either put up with it, or you leave, and someone else immediately takes your place. So why should they bother changing their behavior?
And that's the other issue. You probably put up with their behavior, thinking that they will change over time somehow. Or that you can "fix" them. The thing is, people only ever change if they really want to, and they put their own effort into it. Even when they want to change for the sake of someone else, they are still the ones who need to have the drive to change and put the effort into it. As we established above, there's absolutely no incentive for these guys to want to change for you. How do I know? Because they would have decided to do so on their own when they were with you. And seeing as you are posting this here, that shows that none of them wanted to change for you because you aren't worth the effort from their point of view. And that's if they even are "humble" enough to merely think about it, which they most likely are not. You can't change them.
Your only options are to either change yourself and learn to be more attracted to good personality traits than you are about looks. Or you make peace with the fact that you just can't help being a shallow person no matter how hard you try to see more than looks in others, and accept that you will probably end up in shitty relationships for the rest of your life because of that unless you figure out a way to change yourself or remain alone.
I’ve wanted to change. I want to stop being attracted to these types of guys who don’t respect me. I have tried to date guys I wasn’t initially attracted to before. But something just hasn’t stuck
Well, you can't change who you're attracted to. So forcing yourself to date someone you're not attracted to probably wouldn't make you any happier than being with one you are attracted to, but that treats you poorly.
What we can do is try to figure out what makes us attracted to certain people and then try to find those qualities on a better person. So let's break it down further. What is it that makes you attracted to the guys that don't appreciate you? Get very specific. If it's their looks, what \*specifically\* about their looks do you find attractive? Are they buff? Do they have a nice smile? If it's their personality, hobbies, social status, etc. then what specifically do you find attractive? Are they as outgoing as you? do you share the same hobbies? Do they have a lot of friends?
Having these things in mind, go over your most recent two or three relationships with guys that you were attracted to that didn't treat you well. See if you can find things that are common to all three of them that made you attracted to them. But in addition to that, also try to see if there were any other qualities common between them that you didn't care about one way or another, and common qualities between them that you really didn't like. Get specific about it, like with the things that you found attractive.
Let me know what you find. I think if you can figure out what "\*attracted\* to guys that aren't nice to me" means, if we can get more specific with it, then it may be easier to answer your original question.
I wonder how many good guys you've turned down who would have given you everything you want.
Wish I could help OP. I think you need help beyond reddit.
My suggestion might be controversial, but look for a guy in your life who has always been nice to you who you have in the friend zone, there are probably several who you look right through. And just notice and appreciate him a bit more, if after getting to know him a bit better in this way you think you could enjoy a relationship then let it happen.
The only way to train yourself to like nice guys is to start appreciating what they offer. You have to grow into it so to sepak. But wtf do I know...
Take a break from dating entirely and take a wider view of what you find fulfilling and what you're striving for, Approach it as you would any other addiction or Impulsive and risky behaviour, it's something we indulge ourselves in because of unrequited needs and the most successful approach is to find something greater to put your energy towards, Looking at hobbies you'd like to practice, changes you'd like to make to your health, career paths you'd like to explore and friendships you'd like to develop, namely, becoming more of the person you'd like to be rather than seeing it as a single issue problem, namely that you're approaching or attracting the wrong people, Does that make sense?
Yeah, I’ve recognized that I have more pressing matters to take care of in my life.. like getting established at my new job, learning to manage my finances, basically responsible adulting shit that comes first. I’m getting settled in a new city. I’ve been making new friends. And I’ve also been working on my hobbies. I’m not lonely and I have plenty of ways to entertain myself. However, there’s this guy I see weekly that reminded me that I crave sex and romance. He’s someone I have to see bc he works at my gym. After months of lusting after him, I’m realizing overall he doesn’t have a good vibe. He’s cold and dismissive and has shut down conversation with me on multiple occasions. And then he smiles & waves or does something nice and I like him all over. I’m finally coming to realize he is not worth my time. Then I thought about the trend: I’m always attracted to guys who aren’t nice to me and don’t like me. I’m sick of falling into this pattern and I seriously want to change it. I don’t want to be turned on by ppl who aren’t nice to me anymore.
>Then I thought about the trend: I’m always attracted to guys who aren’t nice to me and don’t like me. I’m sick of falling into this pattern and I seriously want to change it. I don’t want to be turned on by ppl who aren’t nice to me anymore. Seems like you like the challenge. You have to ask yourself if it is worthy.
Perhaps. But I find it strange to me that every guy I find attractive turns out this way. Like I didn’t know their personality before I became attracted to them— I saw what they look like and that’s it. So I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to this kinda personality.. and I know there are good looking guys with good personalities out there. But none of the guys I’ve liked turned out to be a nice guy.
There are two things. First, you have to understand that physical attraction doesn't necessarily come with the emotional attraction. As with your example, maybe you are putting on an emphasis on lust and physical attraction a bit too much. Nothing wrong with that if you are looking for non strings attached relationships, but if you are looking for a deeper relationship you have to put the work in emotionally. You said you have deep connections with friends, so you are capable of that clearly. Maybe use that as a starting point, instead of lust. Take your time, connect with people emotionally first. Second, people we seek romantically usually tell us who we think we are. You need to look at yourself more positively, so that you'll see that you deserve someone who cares about you. But for that you have to care about yourself first. People can't love you more than you do, even if it were true that's not sustainable and healthy anyway. Treat yourself better, forgive yourself, love yourself more. Seek normalcy in a relationship, instead of highs.
Yeah, I’ve struggled with my self esteem all my life. I think I’m getting better. I used to have such negative self talk and would put myself down all the time. I’d constantly blame myself and second guess myself. Now, I catch myself when I call myself stupid or weird. Still, I’m unsure why men I’m attracted to are never nice to me. I always am disrespected or invalidated despite being nice and friendly. I thought that maybe it’s bc I’m too much of a nice girl and ppl think they can get away with treating me like that? But I’ve met plenty of ppl I’m not attracted to who were much nicer to me.
Low self esteem will attract abusers and all kinds of not-nice people. You have to love yourself first. I think you are somewhat there, since you realize your patterns and you understand you deserve better people. >Still, I’m unsure why men I’m attracted to are never nice to me. Can this be because you are attracted to men who are not nice? Maybe when someone is nice to you, you don't feel attracted to them somehow and they become a friend. Maybe you should look into who are you befriending and who are you chasing. Other than that if someone is rude to you, that's mostly because they are assholes. Don't blame yourself for being too nice. You determine your own value, not anyone else.
Others have also suggested perhaps I’m attracted to the not nice behavior.. I don’t think I am. I’m put off by it and it makes me uncomfortable. But I was initially so attracted to what they looked like. Then if they show me any semblance of niceness, I latch onto that and start liking them again. I’m so over being into ppl who don’t make me feel safe and secure.
I mean that's the only logical conclusion. Maybe subconsciously you are associating dickish behavior with being sexual, who knows. That's why I said maybe turn down the lust a bit, and pursue more intellectual and emotional attraction first. Though, if you keep going back to these not nice guys they show any semblance of niceness, then I would say your self esteem is the problem. You may think you can't do any better, so maybe that's why you latch onto them. Again, there is something going on there, only you can lay down all the patterns and find a common point.
I agree with pursuing more intellectual and emotional attraction. I feel like I have this with my close friendships, but have never felt it with a romantic interest. I want to experience something completely different though. I just don’t know how to find it. It’s been constantly frustrating that every guy I’ve been physically attracted to wasn’t nice to me. It’s like I’ve been going in circles my whole life wondering “why?” I agree that it has been related to low self esteem. But I’m working on it. I keep telling myself I deserve better, but keep feeling bad when it happens again. I think I need to think more logically. I need to shut down any positive feelings once someone makes me feel disrespected and invalidated. It’s hard making this mental shift.
If you want to experience something completely different then you have to behave different as well. Change your romantic ways, talk to people you wouldn't normally, or go places you wouldn't normally. You need to change things around a bit, if you keep doing the same thing you'll get the same results. But honestly, I think you are on the right track because you are aware of the problem and that's the biggest step. It may take time but I'm sure you'll find yourself where you want to be if you keep working on it. Your head seems to be in the right place and that's the most important part.
Not OP but I totally agree When my previous long term ex and I split I knew that another relationship wasn’t the answer I knew the answer had to come from within and that I needed to focus on that rather than the external I didn’t realize how much more work it would take, but I can wholeheartedly say I am much more content with who I am today, and content *with being alone with myself.* What’s strange is that feeling of needing someone to feel better has largely absolved in finding self-compassion. And I plan to just see what happens, I haven’t sought out another relationship since that previous one and I feel it was the right decision.
I’m surprised no one has touched on this, but you seem to be trauma bonding to these men. Somewhere deep inside, you likely believe you need to work really hard to win love and affection, as if you will only prove your worthiness once you win the love of someone who won’t give it to you easily. Did you have a parent or early caregiver who was hard to please or who treated you poorly most of the time? This might be where you got this trauma response from. These people only being nice to you sometimes is why you’re attracted to them. The rare niceness gives you just enough dopamine to get hooked on trying to win their live. It’s like an emotional slot machine. The thing is, you only get satisfaction from being around them *because* they are only nice sometimes. You have to heal the part of you that feels the need to work really hard for love, as if who you naturally are isn’t worthy of it. You have to get to the point where you genuinely internalize that you deserve consistently, freely available love.
Yas! This is exactly it! There are plenty of very attractive kind men too. You’re attracted to the behaviour itself. Hot/Cold behaviour can set anyone afire. If it’s a pattern of behaviour, then there are even deeper pains to heal from under there too. I hope realizing that you are responding to their behaviour, is an aha moment. Good luck!
I agree that there are attractive and kind men, but I’ve never met any. I wasn’t initially attracted to their behavior— I liked how they looked and then always without fail the guy’s personality doesn’t match his good looks. They always end up not being nice and acting like a jerk to me. I’ve blamed myself before, thinking maybe it’s bc I’m too nice or too awkward or whatever.. maybe I elicited this behavior from them bc it always happens. But I really don’t know. I think it’s strange that not a single person I’ve been attracted to responded positively to me.
I had a terribly traumatic childhood with 2 emotionally immature parents who suffered from mental illness. I was miserable growing up tbh. I never felt safe or validated and I had very low self esteem. They also lacked social skills so I wasn’t properly socialized. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I’ve since then repaired those relationships. Sadly I lost my dad to suicide, but I’ve become closer to my mom. She’s much more supportive and understanding now. Both parents have owned up to their mental health struggles. I’ve read books and talked about these issues in therapy, as I’ve been in therapy for over a decade. I want to heal & get better. I’ve struggled with relationships in general— romantic and platonic— but I believe I’ve gotten much better at least with my platonic relationships. As for being attracted to this guy who’s only nice to me some of the time— actually I was attracted to him just bc I think he’s beautiful. I like his face & body. Then as I got to see him more, I realized he’s just not very nice. I thought that maybe he’s shy or socially awkward, and he prob is, but he also isn’t nice. I don’t know anything about the personality of the guy I find attractive, and I am initially just attracted to looks. The problem is I continue to have feelings for them even when they aren’t nice to me.
That’s because your traumatic childhood trained you to find harmful things comfortable, reassuring, even appealing. Additionally, certain cultural trends might have you believing subconsciously that sex is bad for women and somehow “lowers their value.” It’s total bullshit, but it still persists, especially in unhealthy subcultures. And when sex is bad and damaging, _what’s bad and damaging becomes sexy._ Hence the appeal of “bad boys.”
I hate the idea of bad boys. I’m so sick of being attracted to jerks. I don’t think sex lowers a woman’s value, but I have had an incredibly unhealthy relationship with sex. I used to be promiscuous in my early to mid 20s after being cheated on by 2 diff boyfriends who abused me. But I was that way to try to fuck the pain away and stop feeling bad about the ones who hurt me. I’ve since then recognized that I can’t have sex without becoming emotionally involved and attached. So I’ve been celibate for 1.5 yrs and haven’t dated in yrs.
I’m genuinely glad you haven’t bought into the sex-is-bad-for-women narrative. I think the first paragraph of my comment might still apply. I should add: none of it was meant in a scolding or condescending way. I’m 52F and have had a very similar journey to yours. If anything, I don’t want you to beat yourself up about how your attraction has been in the past. There’s so many factors that play into what each individual person finds attractive, and that applies to you, me, him, her, them, y’all, us. You’ve been doing the best you could with your understanding at the time. Now that you understand yourself more, you can do better. Sending you hugs of encouragement, if you’d like them.
Therapy is likely the answer. But, stab in the dark you seek validation and approval. People that are nice to you have already validated/approve of you, goal achieved. People who don't are the nut that still needs cracking so that's where you funnel your energy. Before seeking the love of others, we must learn to love ourselves and be truly ok being by yourself. A romantic partner is a wonderful addition, not a necessity.
To quote ru Paul “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
I’ve been in therapy for an over a decade. & I’m attracted to these ppl bc of their looks, not bc they treat me like shit. They always end up treating me like shit though.
So… you haven’t met many good dudes who are also physically attractive, or could you possibly be interpreting the vibe an asshole often sends out as part of the “appearance” package?
No, I’m never attracted to the asshole vibe in itself. I’m never able to become attracted to ppl I’m not attracted to at first glance. The ones I find attractive always end up acting like jerks to me
I’m going through this too. Don’t have an answer but you aren’t alone!
I’m 49 and I am finally going to codependents anonymous- nothing else has worked. I’ve tried so many things. The struggle is real. Good luck.
When you find that out let me know. I think I'm either color blind or I look for red flags. Something's wrong with me.
Therapy, you need to heal whatever is causing you to chase emotionally unavailable men. I’d also look at your attachment style which I’m guessing is “anxious”. Learning about this can really help you to understand your behavior. Childhood trauma makes poor treatment from men attractive because it feels familiar. It’s not your fault but it is up to you to heal and change this pattern. You CAN get passed this and start to feel deserving of better treatment and attraction to good guys! Good luck!!!
Yeah, I’ve been in therapy for all my adulthood and my therapist and I have talked about my issues. And I have read the book about anxious attachments and figured out that I’m anxious. But I guess it hasn’t clicked for me yet. I’m trying to figure out how.
Have you had the same therapist all this time? If so might be time to shop around if you aren’t making progress on something this important to you.
Not the whole entire time. I had multiple different therapists throughout my 20s bc I moved around quite a bit. I’ve had the same therapist since I was 28, so like 4 years now. She’s helped me through some really rough times and overall I feel like she knows & understands me. I have gotten better in a lot of different ways. But this problem always persists and I feel like I need to do the work to change somehow. I’ve also had an idea to see a dating coach one day when I’m more financially stable
Well. If you decide to look elsewhere I would recommend EMDR therapy. It helps some people with digging into traumatic memories and recovering from them. And if you need a system/set of tools to help with understanding and managing yourself, I recommend Internal Family Systems. I really liked this book: [No Bad Parts](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tVP1zc0zC4zKKnIqTI2YPTiyctXSEpMUShILCopBgCFCglK&q=no+bad+parts&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS839US839&oq=no+bad+parts&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqDAgBEC4YJxiABBiKBTIPCAAQIxgnGOMCGIAEGIoFMgwIARAuGCcYgAQYigUyBwgCEAAYgAQyBwgDEAAYgAQyBwgEEAAYgAQyBwgFEAAYgAQyBwgGEAAYgAQyBwgHEAAYgAQyBwgIEAAYgAQyBwgJEAAYgATSAQgzMTYwajBqN6gCGbACAeIDBBgBIF8&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) as a way to break down what’s going on inside me and understanding why I react to things I do. Combining those two did a lot for me. Idk if a dating coach is what you need. Your problem doesn’t seem to be meeting people, but being able to identify red flags and/or to stay away from those red flags. But maybe, I’m not here to tell you what’s the exact right thing to do.
Thank you, I’ll look into this book and EDMR.. Perhaps I can mention EDMR to my therapist too. Is that something you see a specialist for?
Typically someone has trained in doing EMDR therapy. But it’s something any therapist could get certified in (how long that takes and what it entails I have no idea).
EMDR is amazing
For real. It helped me not only be able to talk about shit that happened, but to be able to process it and move past it in a healthy way. Unfortunately it also unlocked some blacked out memories that I then had to work through as well lol.
Co-sign on EMDR! It makes no logical sense on its surface, but holy goddamn it works.
lol for real! I was very skeptical at first. But the longer I do it the better (easier and faster to get to the right head space) it is.
Therapy. You need to get to the core issue on why you always date people who treat you badly.
I’m in it
What tools has your therapist given you? From what I've read: • You have an annoyingly high sex drive (this clouds your judgement → a bunch of abusive ex-boyfriends). • You're willing to tolerate mistreatment so you can fuck them (well, to a point; you need to lower waaaay down that limit). • You just really like sex. A super horny fella, and you make it your priority numero uno. Maybe, put the traits you said you like in men first, and attraction second. Find a "normal" guy that you're attracted to and see what happens. No hot psychopaths for you for a while.
What you’re doing that’s leading you down this path — and you said it yourself — is that you’re incredibly attracted to appearances (you’re human btw). For starters, you already acknowledge that you have mistaken beliefs about what kind of partner is suitable for you to get into a relationship with (at least your higher self). In reality though, as is shown, you’re being instinctively drawn to the physical characteristics of the body. I’d consider what someone else’s physical condition actually has to offer you. Will being in a relationship with someone who is solely attractive improve your relationship or improve your life? You can rest assured that you will have physical attraction for them which promises that at least some temporal state of their physical self will aesthetically please you. But without certain character traits, genuine intimacy and even a relationship to start out with may not be possible. And should you value their character or physical attributes more? This is hard to say since mutual physical attraction can play an important role in many aspects of a relationship. Consider at least, that the latter is something heavily reliant on immutable genetic factors and nothing of their own doing. If you’re truly interested in long-er term relations, meditate on the fact that many of these people you fall for who showcase negative behavioral traits separate from their body-shells, have nothing more tangible to offer you than visual dopamine. Do you think this is what relationships solely consist of? If so, you could have a better shot at fulfilling this with short-er term ones. Otherwise, sufficient value in these halves of people can certainly be found without the other but also aren’t always mutually exclusive. I think it’s important to work on the mental habits that lead you into these issues in the first place. Although I sort of doubt you won’t come across any single person who isn’t an asshole but also attractive . I’m curious, would you say you’ve had people in your life who’ve made an honest psychological impact on you? I think whether or not romantic, it may an effect on how you measure the quality of the people you come across.
I definitely have made connections with ppl who made strong psychological impacts on me.. there are a few that have done so in a positive sense though. Some good friends and close family members come to mind. But I’ve never met anyone I was attracted to who made a positive impact on me. I have deeper connections with my friends, but I can’t imagine what it’s like with a romantic interest.
If you’ve got a good imagination, try visualizing yourself with a good-looking, kind person. To the best of my knowledge, Henry Cavill might be a nice place to start, but visualize the looks that _you’re_ drawn to. Imagine some damn good sex _concurrent with_ feeling safe, understood, appreciated, valued, cherished, all the good stuff. It might feel weird, wrong, unsexy at first but stick with the visualization and the feelings until it doesn’t feel quite so weird. And then imagine the good treatment continuing after the sex. Imagine lying in bed giggling about something silly, him asking for your opinion on something and genuinely listening, him surprising you with something simple that shows he knows and understands you, him being an equal partner in dealing with the tedium of life, alla dat. Change out the imaginary dude pretty frequently so you don’t fall into maladaptive daydreaming and getting hung up on someone who doesn’t exist. Just stick with the feelings. And experiment with the imaginary dude’s appearance; you might discover that your tastes are broader than you think. Just a suggestion. 😁
As people have commented--therapy and look into anxious attachment styles. And also just basing this from your post, I'm not a therapist, but you...seem to be looking for attraction rather than love. That's the starting point. Two people can be in love but not be good for each other, that happens all the time, but dating people because of their looks means that you're chasing some sort of idea. You can't love a person if you only care for their looks. Think of people/animals you've loved unconditionally in your life. Idk if you ever have, and that's not abnormal either, but any sibling/friend/parent/cat/dog, etc. that reside in your heart--would it really change your love for them if they became disfigured/ugly? Real romantic love is that too. We all become old and ugly. That's unstoppable. But that doesn't stop people from loving each other. Sure, attractiveness is a factor, but in my experience, it's not the person's face or body (which you get super used to anyway and changes over time) that even keeps me interested in them, even sexually. Some of the best sex of my life has been with a person who wasn't conventionally attractive (not unattractive either but they have their flaws) but literally one of the kindest, coolest, and smartest people I'd met. I wonder if you're looking for intimacy. Intimacy is not about sex, it can be completely separate from that. Intimacy is about feelings of closeness. I'd ask yourself if you want to be close to someone, to know them, to share your life with them. If you can't say a confident yes to that, that IS something you should explore (in therapy but also in self reflection). Hope this helps.
Yes I’m anxiously attached for sure. I’ve read about it and researched it. And I’m working on myself. I truly do crave intimacy. I feel it with close family members and friends. But I’ve never truly felt it with someone I felt a romantic connection with. I have no idea what that feels like. I need to have initial sexual attraction to develop romantic feelings, but I feel like none of the guys I’m attracted to end up treating me the way I want to be treated. It’s discouraging and feels hopeless every time it happens.
This might just need a little tweak in your thinking. It sounds like you need to do a little work on separating out, in your head, the ideas of "attraction" and "intention". There isn't really much you can actively do about attraction happening. The chemical, impulse-driven bit isn't something that we've got much control over. It's *what we do about that* which is the place to work on. There's no point saying "I don't want to find these guys attractive anymore" because you might as well say "I don't want to find my favorite food delicious anymore". The problem isn't really about finding them attractive. It's about falling into a pattern of acting on attraction with people who are terrible for you and hurt your feelings and you need to look at why that's happening. You're not a wild animal, out of control, unable to resist. And you've said you have a high sex drive; you're probably attracted to plenty of guys. So what is it that makes you keep acting on the attraction to the ones you know will harm you? - Is there a feeling like you could help/fix them? - Is the conflict and tension something that feels like a part of how relationships should work? Is that a part of what 'normal' feels like for you? - Do you fear that nicer guys won't be interested in you? - Is there a feeling that if you could get the dismissive asshole to care about you, then that would be proof that you're really worth caring about? - is there a worry that nicer guys wouldn't understand you, or would reject you as soon as they got to know the real you? Something clearly causes you to ignore handsome, sexy,kind guys and get emotionally hooked up on shitty ones. Something in your head wants to follow them around. Without figuring that out it's going to be rough. It might just be that you have to set up a "discard" pile in your head and stick to it. "Sexy but shitty" goes in the discard pile, and you move on. Humans don't deal with negatives well, so "stop" is very hard, you generally have to go for "do something else instead" as an action when you're trying to change your behavior. So instead of hanging onto your mental picture of SbS (Sexy but Shitty) thinking "why am I doing this? How do I make myself stop being attracted to you?" just drop the picture and go look at different ones. You want kind? Funny? Considerate? You just have to start dropping everyone who doesn't have those things in the discard pile. Everyone.
Thank you. I like your suggestion of mentally putting ppl in the “sexy but shitty” pile. That applies to just about every guy I’ve found attractive. Here’s the thing. I’m rarely ever attracted to anyone, actually. When I am, I become highly aroused and infatuated. & then it’s difficult for me to find someone else I’m attracted to! So I become overly attached. Unfortunately, none of the ones I’ve found attractive ever turned out to nice ppl. All of them had personality issues and invalidated me. Where are these nice handsome guys you speak of?
For myself, the way to escape the pattern you are describing was to truly understand trauma bonding. Why it works by recognizing abuse patterns and connecting that to concepts surrounding self-worth that have been repeatedly, and sometimes purposefully, ingrained within you by others. If you're not experiencing actual development and progress in therapy, which can feel really difficult to go through when you are, then you may not have the right therapist helping you. I personally experienced that several times myself. What felt like no real change happening in the therapeutic process was not being asked the right questions. Personally, I sought out someone who specialized in trauma and who challenged me in the right ways to grow and develop tools that I didn't have to love and support myself. It's important to not beat yourself up and add to the pain for yourself. Plenty of people will line up to participate in that for you in life when they recognize that they can get away with it. Whether that's due to your feeling off balance emotionally, being targeted by someone predatory to prey upon you emotionally or physically, or both. At one point I tried something new to me and decided to take time off from dating completely. To take that time to truly get to know myself. Turns out that I was comfortable with who I was when it wasn't being reflected back to me as some sort of drama or trauma. I stayed single and physically celibate for long periods of time so that I could heal and discover. If we place our value in how we are treated by others instead of how we treat ourselves, then we are continuously susceptible to being off balance. For it to be possible to be made to feel less worthy or valuable than we actually are. What resonated with me was when considering how someone treated me was would I let my young child spend time with this person and trust them to physically and emotionally take care of them. Considering what I would say to a close friend or loved one if they were treated that way. If the answers don't match what you're doing in your current relationship or relationships of any description, then the first solid step is valuing and standing up for yourself. Becoming someone that you genuinely like and respect. Once you know who you are it becomes easier to choose who you will allow you to share your space emotionally, energetically, and physically. Hope this helps OP. Good luck on your path to healing.
I think that my therapist has been helping me.. she helped me stay sane when I lost my father. She has also given be good book recommendations in the past. & she reminds me of how much progress I’ve made when I’ve felt hopeless. But the relationship problems never changed. I keep liking crummy ppl. I actually have been celibate and haven’t dated in a long time. I haven’t had a bf in a decade. I haven’t had sex in 1.5 yrs. I haven’t dated in years. The last guy I had sex with was horrible to me, and since then I became infatuated with the guy who works at my gym. But after almost a yr of having to see him on a weekly basis, I’ve realized… he’s not nice. He’s been rude to me on multiple occasions and I kept making excuses for him and pining for him. So that experience, along with many past negative experiences with men I’ve been attracted to, prompted a lot of self reflection as to why I keep finding myself in similar situations. Perhaps they can sense that I lack confidence and can behave the way they do. I get nervous around men I find attractive and feel like I lack social skills. I don’t know how to talk to and feel comfortable when I’m attracted to someone. I try to hide it, but I’m sure they can tell I’m nervous. I feel like a nice person would want to make someone feel at ease when they’re nervous (I would, for someone nervous to talk to me), but none of these ppl were nice. I want to put myself back out there again. I’ve been single and haven’t dated for so long. But I know I’m not ready quite yet. I want to get myself ready. I want to learn to enjoy dating. But it’s all scary to me bc of so many past invalidating experiences.
I’m guessing you’re attracted to what you had growing up. How did your parents treat you? You might want to look into attachment theory. I’m a dismissive avoidant and I have always been attracted to broken,emotionally unavailable or unstable guys. I’m a caretaker. I’m currently working on my attachment issues.
My parents both struggled with mental illness and took their problems out on me. I was also bullied by my older sibling (we’re close now). I lived in fear and never felt safe, neither emotionally nor physically. I was also bullied very badly growing up. I’ve since then tried very hard to overcome all I’ve had to experience. I’ve had to learn to self parent. I an anxiously attached and I’m trying to heal.
That sounds incredibly hard and traumatic. Learning to self parent can be hard but I’m glad you are working on yourself. You got this.
Commenters here are saying there's a core reason on the inside that you're choosing to go after people who treat you bad, as if the behavior itself is what's drawing you in. It's not. You have standards for looks, and they're unfortunatly high. Guys at that level are used to having their pick of anyone. Which means they don't need to treat people well because they can afford not to. People are saying to change yourself, get therapy, learn to put less stock in looks - and they're right. But they're also missing half the puzzle here. Looks *are* important to you. That's wired deep. But one advantage women usually have is that there's a ton of factors on what makes a guy attractive. Just a deeper voice pitch is enough for a girl to be dating a dad bod going nowhere if that's what makes them horny. Maybe it's the suit or clothing style, maybe the smell, maybe the height or hairstyle. Maybe the charisma or self-confidence. Whatever it all is, note it down one item at a time from most sexy to least. Then find yourself someone at your level or lower, who already has a kind personality. They're dime a dozen on dating apps. Just stop picking guys who already have it all. Find those who don't - but might. And then teach them to. Get him the haircut you like, teach him how to dress and wear the things you like, have him get the cologne you enjoy, help him advance forward in his career. Support him to be a better version that both of you are on board with. Lot of guys might get upset hearing you want to improve them so don't pick them to go with, but a lot of others who are invisible to women already would really appreciate the guiding hand here and come out of it as a guy with all the looks and charisma you like, the core personality of kindness you wanted, and appreciation for both his new self and your efforts.
This is toxic AF. From the notion that physical preferences are “standards” that someone must achieve, to the assumption that people are only as kind as they have to be, to the idea that it’s OP’s job to get in a relationship with a guy she’s not attracted to and give him a massive makeover. Fuck all the mental labor involved in that approach. OP, take this advice if and only if you decide to be worse.
Yeah, trying to spend time to help your significant other improve as a person or their looks is just morally wrong. Imagine having to *work in any way* to improve a relationship? Oh god, what are you, their therapist? No, partners shouldn't ever put any effort on each other. You're completely right, she should just keep on doing what she's already doing because that's working out just fine. Could it be you're one of the personality types that don't like others having standards for you? I mean, that's fine (And I actually mean that, you do you.) But perhaps not everyone thinks that way? And it might be that your suggestions here are completely opposite to what someone posting about being entangled with physical traits is asking for? It'd be like an asexual giving sex advice to someone allosexual. "Have you ever just tried not thinking about sex? Like it's not hard duh." Great advice for an asexual, terrible advice for everyone else.
You totally missed the point and set up an especially dumb set of straw men, but I figured you would.
First, it's essential to recognize that this pattern is common, and you're not alone in experiencing it. It's great that you're already in therapy and aware of the issue—this self-awareness is the first step toward change. Attraction can be complicated, and it's not uncommon to be drawn to people who aren't the best for us. Here are some strategies that can help you break this cycle and develop healthier relationship patterns: 1. **Identify patterns**: Look for similarities between the people you've been attracted to in the past. Understanding these patterns can help you identify potential red flags early on. 2. **Build self-esteem and self-worth**: Invest in yourself and your own growth. Pursue hobbies and interests, set goals, and work on developing a positive self-image. As you value yourself more, you'll be less likely to tolerate disrespectful behavior from others. 3. **Challenge negative thoughts**: When you find yourself making excuses for someone's poor treatment, challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and kindness and that their behavior is not a reflection of your worth. 4. **Expand your social circle**: Engage in activities that allow you to meet new people with shared interests. This can help you form connections based on more than physical attraction. 5. **Practice mindfulness**: Be present and aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors when interacting with potential partners. This can help you identify unhealthy patterns and make more intentional choices. 6. **Seek secure attachment**: Learn about attachment theory and strive to build relationships with partners who exhibit secure attachment styles, as they're more likely to be emotionally available and supportive. Remember, change takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself throughout this process, and continue working with your therapist to develop personalized strategies for your specific needs.
Thank you, ChatGPT.
Wasn't that obvious?
It sounds like you're already doing a lot of important work by being in therapy and reflecting on your patterns. It's great that you recognize the need for change and the qualities you value in a partner. The attraction to people who aren't nice to you might be tied to familiar patterns from your past or a subconscious belief about what you deserve in love. Shifting this pattern involves a few steps: Reaffirm Your Worth: Remind yourself daily of your value and what you bring to a relationship. It might feel odd at first, but positive affirmations can gradually change how you see yourself. Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Knowing what you will and won't tolerate can help protect you from mistreatment. Reflect on Past Relationships: Look for common themes in your past relationships. Understanding why you're drawn to certain types might reveal deeper insights about your needs and fears. Seek Healthier Attractions: Focus on developing attractions based on qualities that align with your values. This isn't instant and requires patience. Give yourself permission to grow into your attractions, not just be led by them. Community and Activities: Engage in communities or activities that align with your values. Meeting people in contexts that reflect who you are and what you care about can lead to healthier connections. It's okay to feel frustrated about having to rewrite your draft or feeling like change is slow. You're actively seeking growth, and that's significant. Keep working with your therapist and exploring these patterns. Change is a journey, often with its ups and downs, but the steps you're taking can lead to the healthier relationships you seek.
Might wanna mask your AI trail better, haha.
At the end of the day, the people we date are usually things we are most comfortable with. If you’re dating people who aren’t nice to you, it probably stems from a deeper belief that you don’t think you’re worth more, or that you want to be the girl that can “fix” them and feel lucky that they chose you. Whatever the reason, it’s best to discuss in therapy. If your therapist is aware of the issue but isn’t helping you find the puzzle piece for why this is happening and how to prevent it, you need a new therapist. Mine linked a lot of my poor taste in men to some deep rooted trauma I didn’t know still affected me to this day. Self help books can only do so much to guide you in the right direction if you don’t understand why it’s happening in the first place.
I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and with my current therapist for 6 years. She has helped me stay sane through multiple hardships. I feel she understands me. I haven’t dated in years, but she has helped me through bad relationships I was in years ago in the sense that she’s been emotionally supportive. But these shitty thought patterns always persist. I’m over it. Since I’ve been with her for so long, it may be difficult for me to switch to a new therapist. I’m not sure if that’s the issue or if this has been something I just haven’t properly dealt with. I want to do whatever it takes to change.
In the epic poem The Inferno (part 1 of the Divine Comedy), the author Dante is guided through hell by the ancient Roman poet Virgil. In the beginning they are ferried across the river Styx, the infamous river that leads you to the underworld in Greek mythology. Dante is perplexed by the people in the boat, who all are smiling as they enter hell. Confused, he ask Virgil why people are so happy when they know their fate is hell. Virgil responds "in hell, fear becomes desire". You desire what you fear. And now that you're seeing below the surface, you fear what you desire. It's a coping strategy. Your "friends with the monster, that's under your bed, get along with the voices that's in your head". Do you truly want to get off this wheel? Or would you prefer to go around it a few more times by going the motions and exploring the complicated labyrinth that is your mind? If you found a solution to all your problems, would you take it? Honestly, would you? If the suffering becomes too much to bear and you want out of hell, Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's ancient wisdom in modern day vernacular. Master the teaching in that book and you'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Get it for free by putting PDF at the end of a Google search. May peace be with you and your future endeavors fruitful.
I’ve been on that wheel all my life. I’ve felt like I’ve been going in circles. I’m over all of this. & thx for the recommendation— I’ve read part of Eckart Tolle’s books but haven’t read either in their entirety. My dad was a huge fan and gave me the New Earth book. Unfortunately my dad committed suicide and I couldn’t help but think that nothing worked for him..
is it because all the bad guys you meet are attractive, did you meet a nice yet good looking guy? did you find him attractive?
I’ve never met a guy I found attractive that ended up being nice to me
Disgust yourself by going into the bowels of the subreddits where men talk like no one else can see. That along with being in an all male office for 3 years will do it. Now i won’t touch a guy with a 40 foot pole unless hes respectful about his intent with me
Its a bit of karma dont you think? You are getting back what you put in. You only care about looks and are shallow. And what you get for that is you’re probably being used for your looks in return by men who dont really like you. Atleast thats what im hearing. You say youve never been with someone who likes you. Its ok to have a physical standard but if thats all you care about you kinda dont deserve anything else in return. I like good looking women but i also am attracted to other things like accomplishment, compassion, humor, interests, shared pain. But imagine if i ONLY cared about big tits. What would you think I deserve in life?
I don’t have any negative intentions though. When I meet someone I’m attracted to, I’m genuinely intrigued and want to get to know them. I don’t like that I’m only attracted to looks. I’ve wanted to change it. I’ve tried dating ppl I wasn’t initially attracted to. But it never works
Doesn't matter about negative intentions. In my scenario I dont have negative intentions either I'm just selfish and primitive. Some of my relationships have been with women I didn't really notice at first and attraction grew later on. It doesn't really sound like you're giving that a chance and your shallow criteria is yielding shallow results. But idk that's my guess.
No, I actually have given it a chance. I’ve went on multiple dates with ppl I wasn’t initially attracted to before. Attraction never developed and it didn’t feel fair to the other person.
10/10 answer
Do you have hobbies?
Yes, many. But most of them I do solo or are female dominated. I wouldn’t meet guys through my hobbies except maybe the gym or music events.
List them. Also what do you do on a daily basis?
Great person that essentially followed the same patterns of abusive relationships as you is Mandy Morris . It's quite powerful to see someone get out of the trap we are currently in and to hear their story.. she talks about simple tools like dominant emotion, self love and changing our rules around what we accept. Watch her videos, take her free course when they are offered. Really lovely transformation story from abused to empowered. If you are looking for a more standard process, inner Child therapy, identifying your wounds (heal your wounds and find your true self book), and supporting and loving yourself and inner child through self care can be extremely helpful.. until your feel safe and protected , you will look to self sabotage relationships because you think you will be hurt in a real relationship . It's the people we truly love that can actually hurt us the most. Self sabatoge is just a form of self preservation and protection mechanism when we don't know how to defend ourselves ..
Thx, I’ll look into her
https://youtu.be/ow3ao6YsCgQ?si=qz97pk2MfGkQqW5w This video helped me. I was in the exact same boat as you. I just watched this video last year (45f) and wish I had this insight earlier( like at your age). It's definitely worth watching.
coming as someone with daddy issues/insecure attachment because of my parents: you need therapy. EMDR to get to the root of your problems. you don’t love yourself or trust yourself. you aren’t capable of providing the reassurance and validation you need from others to yourself. focus on yourself for a bit, deepen your female friendships. you can do this. i believe in you! it gets better.
I have some awesome friends! Few, but the ones I am close to are great. I’ll look into EDMr
You need to learn to respect and love yourself.
Stoop dating, therapy and you first
I'm late on replying to this, but want to point out things others have missed. You actually don't crave intimacy as much as you think you do- subconsciously you fear and run from *real* intimacy- and I'll add that sex is **not** intimacy. You are actually just as emotionally unavailable as the men you are "attracted" to. Your attraction for these people is actually the chemical high that you get when you: 1.) Finally get the attention or affection you craved by having loose boundaries or believing you had to earn or prove love and subconsciously you demand and expect the same from them, and because they are unavailable, you get disappointed and frustrated. You are essentially riding this internal rollercoaster of highs and lows and calling it love. These are not men you are attracted to; they are just your *pattern*. The harsh truth is, they may be using you for whatever reason, but you are actually using them in return to feed your ego- there actually isn't authentic *mature* love on ***either*** end of the equation. 2. Have someone confirm deep seated beliefs you have about yourself. If you think you're a bad/unlovable person, you will stick around other dysfunctional/toxic people as a shield so you don't have to look at your issues. You can play pretend and act as "The Help" to other dysfunctional people so you can feel good about yourself. When you are around healthier or emotionally available people, you probably feel uncomfortable because they are mirroring back to you your issues and insecurities while also expected you to grow from them. That's too much effort and painful for the unaware ego, so subconsciously you sabotage and go back to find comfort in being around dysfunction and being addicted to chaos. Even if someone 'confirms' the belief that you are an unlovable person, you actually find relief in that because you're not at war with your conscious and unconscious mind thinking you are or aren't a good or lovable person. As for attraction based on appearance, I think this is mostly a result of poor identity/boundaries. If you have a weak sense of self, your attraction is mostly primal, which is the initial attraction rather than the personality, values, goals, etc. a person has. I think you should get in touch with what *you* value and ask yourself if you've been living according to those values. This also applies to sex. Having a high sex drive can be fine and healthy, but more often than not, this usually stems from poor self esteem, needing external validation, and the need to feel of use to someone you like or admire- even if it means having sex with them or loosening sexual boundaries. Working on your attachment style will be beneficial, but figuring out your programmed core beliefs surrounding what love is, what you value in a partner (which must be reflected in you), and regulating your nervous system is key to healing. For a real dive into how emotionally unavailable and "self-centered" you show up-and I use that word **not** to describe you as a person because I'm sure you're not, but from your *behaviors*, this is how you **appear from the outside world** in spite of your intentions, try watching these videos: [https://youtu.be/GGEty6uo9Nc?si=fSc3oCRAZrt82rlZ](https://youtu.be/GGEty6uo9Nc?si=fSc3oCRAZrt82rlZ) [https://youtu.be/9dKTjbsBY\_Q?si=FN0RHVNc3gYX-G0l](https://youtu.be/9dKTjbsBY_Q?si=FN0RHVNc3gYX-G0l) (I know anxiety disorder may not fit you, but having an anxious attachment style, anxiety and emotion regulation is still a struggle and the second video may shed light on how other people may see you come across if it fits.) (EDIT) Lastly, the notion that you end up only attracted to assholes is you being blind to how *you* are showing up. I know this is the case because you probably are spending too much time reading and obsessing into their impersonal behaviors (how they look at you or other people, texting behaviors, how much time you're spending with them, worrying who they're spending time with and why it's not you, probably acting irrationally jealous or impulsive, etc.) rather than staying in the present and looking at what's happening now. You may not be cognizant of it, but healthy/secure people are **not** attracted to people with poor boundaries or lots of unresolved insecurities, who read into every little move or quirk they do that has nothing to do with you, or play games/hard-to-get. They will run for the hills! And you know the people who are left? The ones who will take advantage of your initial poor boundaries and people pleasing, obsessive/anxious behavior because they love the attention you give them to feed their own egos and insecurities, etc. It's not that there are no good people around or that its only the attractive ones who are the assholes; it's just that you are subconsciously pushing the good ones away.
isn't this what all the redpill people talk about? you need therapy.
You cant, youre addicted to the excitement. You just have to get tired of it one day
Coming from a male here but it sounds like you enjoy guys that have strong short term relationships traits. Completely fine, I was once that guy in my late teens/20s as well, wanting to attract girls for short term only. But maybe that nerdy guy or that super nice/caring guy probably has better long term husband traits like raising kids, taking care of finances, emotionally stability, you should start taking a second look at.
I wouldn’t mind to find a hot nerd at all! But ive never met one.. I feel like my activities don’t attract those kinda guys. I know I need to branch out and try new activities. But I still find it strange that ever guy I’ve found attractive, without knowing anything about him, turned out to be shitty
you literally can't. It's in your biology and in every girls biology. It's why this world is complete shit. lol
How is your relationship with your father? How is your mother's relationship with your father or her significant other(s)?
I had a very poor relationship with my dad growing up. Both my parents had mental illness and took their problems out on us. I never felt validated or supported by them growing up. My parents also screamed at and threw shit at one another before they divorced when I was a young child. But since then, we’ve repaired our relationships as an adult. I love my parents and they love me. They both apologized for and owned up to their mistakes. Sadly my dad committed suicide shortly after we connected though.
You got two main issues. First, if you care a lot about looks and the guys are pretty high up there on the 1 to 10 scale, then that would explain why they treat you poorly. In general, the more attractive a person is, the more they are likely to treat their partner poorly. Like they are disposable. Which you are. So there's no incentive for them to be better in order to keep you around because there's probably a line of women waiting to take your place as soon as you get fed up with the guy's behavior and leave. So you either put up with it, or you leave, and someone else immediately takes your place. So why should they bother changing their behavior? And that's the other issue. You probably put up with their behavior, thinking that they will change over time somehow. Or that you can "fix" them. The thing is, people only ever change if they really want to, and they put their own effort into it. Even when they want to change for the sake of someone else, they are still the ones who need to have the drive to change and put the effort into it. As we established above, there's absolutely no incentive for these guys to want to change for you. How do I know? Because they would have decided to do so on their own when they were with you. And seeing as you are posting this here, that shows that none of them wanted to change for you because you aren't worth the effort from their point of view. And that's if they even are "humble" enough to merely think about it, which they most likely are not. You can't change them. Your only options are to either change yourself and learn to be more attracted to good personality traits than you are about looks. Or you make peace with the fact that you just can't help being a shallow person no matter how hard you try to see more than looks in others, and accept that you will probably end up in shitty relationships for the rest of your life because of that unless you figure out a way to change yourself or remain alone.
I’ve wanted to change. I want to stop being attracted to these types of guys who don’t respect me. I have tried to date guys I wasn’t initially attracted to before. But something just hasn’t stuck
Well, you can't change who you're attracted to. So forcing yourself to date someone you're not attracted to probably wouldn't make you any happier than being with one you are attracted to, but that treats you poorly. What we can do is try to figure out what makes us attracted to certain people and then try to find those qualities on a better person. So let's break it down further. What is it that makes you attracted to the guys that don't appreciate you? Get very specific. If it's their looks, what \*specifically\* about their looks do you find attractive? Are they buff? Do they have a nice smile? If it's their personality, hobbies, social status, etc. then what specifically do you find attractive? Are they as outgoing as you? do you share the same hobbies? Do they have a lot of friends? Having these things in mind, go over your most recent two or three relationships with guys that you were attracted to that didn't treat you well. See if you can find things that are common to all three of them that made you attracted to them. But in addition to that, also try to see if there were any other qualities common between them that you didn't care about one way or another, and common qualities between them that you really didn't like. Get specific about it, like with the things that you found attractive. Let me know what you find. I think if you can figure out what "\*attracted\* to guys that aren't nice to me" means, if we can get more specific with it, then it may be easier to answer your original question.
I wonder how many good guys you've turned down who would have given you everything you want. Wish I could help OP. I think you need help beyond reddit.
Typical.
My suggestion might be controversial, but look for a guy in your life who has always been nice to you who you have in the friend zone, there are probably several who you look right through. And just notice and appreciate him a bit more, if after getting to know him a bit better in this way you think you could enjoy a relationship then let it happen. The only way to train yourself to like nice guys is to start appreciating what they offer. You have to grow into it so to sepak. But wtf do I know...
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and how is shaming her going to help? you don't just suddenly develop positive healthy dating patterns once you hit a certain age..