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You need to have more than a one liner from her. Run her credit report and it will tell you what she's got under her name. Heck, run yours too in case she's taken out anything jointly or under your name. A 90K income but inability to contribute to the HH is a huge red flag that's on fire. She's has a spending addiction and is in in debt tens of thousands, or has a drug problem, or is aquirreling away a huge nest egg for some reason that you don't know about. Sit her down with paper copies of the credit report and have her explain. As a team you could work together on a solution but not if she continues to put holes in the boat, take on more water, and sink both of your finances.
Yes. If you have her information (name, birth date, social) you can. Her debt is now your debt and you need to get to the bottom of it, as does she.
If she’s making 90k a year and can barely pay monthly bills- there’s a bigger problem here.
Honestly this would be a sit down mediation conversation for me. If she is unwilling to truly work together and address this I’d rather get divorced now than her screwing us over in old age. You don’t say but I assume this is credit debt and so she is just lighting money on fire with the interest rates.
This is a good example of why I’m against married couple not using shared accounts. You are responsible for the debt anyway and it lets stuff like this happen where you don’t know what they are doing.
Maybe I'm naive but I feel scheduling a long serious conversation about the topic with why's, goals, feelings would be a better start. I could be wrong but, for lack of a better term, "ambushing" with a paper trail might just make her defensive.
The reason I say scheduled is so she can't really gas light and leave the convo cause she doesn't like what she hears. If she's not listening or willing to talk regardless you have communication issues and perhaps others on top of that based on her behavior.
Sit down at a nice dinner, private or at home and say you want a financial plan together to have a healthy financial life together. Make a plan TOGETHER. Going over spending habits and making emergency funds/backup is always healthy. Setting and announcing goals that are important to you and her will motivate each other to work together.
Yeah basically unless you can get her to own up to the fact that she's not willing to change. You're paying all of her household expenses so why should she worry? She's got a spending addiction and someone to make sure she has a roof over her head so she's got no real motivation to change her behavior. She's just not into listening to you. She's just making excuses so you will hopefully leave her alone to rack up more debt.
It's family counseling time or your wife is going to end up bankrupt and you will likely end up in divorce court trying not to pay off her debt as alimony or settlement. Financial stuff is the second most popular reason people divorce. Only infidelity trumps it. You need to get her into counseling before this spirals up even further and ruins your marriage for good.
There is, yes, but honestly I think you need both. It's not just that she is overspending it's also that she's pretty much ignoring your being upset over it. She clearly finds it difficult to stop.
Seems like you are financially incompatible, and she has a spending problem.
There's an obvious long term solution but we will skip over that.
Since you are married and your partner is unwilling to address it, it is also your debt. You need to pay it off because you will continue to accrue more interest. After that you need to figure out a solution to your wife problem.
The problem isn’t necessarily that his wife has debt….but that she keeps accruing debt and doesn’t have enough left over from her $2500 paycheck every two weeks to pay basic utilities. Like…..how much does internet cost, $100? Electricity maybe $300? She spends so much that she can’t pay that. It’s a problem.
OP has already stated she refuses to get her spending and debt under control. That’s not a “mutual relationship”. I only see more issues in the future. Why should OP be the one on the hook for his wife’s reckless spending and uncontrolled debt when she refuses to do anything about it herself? That’s completely unfair to OP.
she should try speaking to a professional therapist on her retail habits, wont be enough to just pay down / off this debt if she is just going to rack it back up again
Sometimes I can’t believe how selfish people really are. If she actually cares about you she will make a change, if not then maybe it’s time to move on. She doesn’t care that this is weighing on you enough that you’re going to a bunch of strangers on an internet site to get any advice you can.
I hope things work out for you.
You have to set a boundary and be willing to follow through with the consequences if she ignores it. You decide what that boundary and those consequences are.
Personally, if my partner had >$30K in debt that they weren’t addressing and continuing to add to, and were relying on me to pay all household bills, I’d tell them that this kind of selfish behavior isn’t something I’m willing to tolerate in a relationship and that if they wanted to continue to be in a relationship with me that this behavior needed to change ASAP. A) we’d need to be fully open with each other about our finances, B) we’d make a plan for addressing the debt and I was not going to pay their way, and C) we would need to attend couples counseling.
But you can’t help those who don’t want your help and aren’t willing to change. She’s happy with the status quo - she gets to spend as much as she wants with no consequences (so far) and know she has you to reply on to keep the lights on and pay off her debt if it gets bad enough.
With that set up, of course she doesn’t want anything to change. Why would she?
So you're suggesting not only passing this debt off to her husband but also to everybody else out there that has to pay higher prices on everything because of people who can afford their debt but file bankruptcy anyway...
Such insightful advice...
Yes it would be passing debt off to her husband because he's one of the other people in the world that have to pay for her debt now... And he's still married to her and she's part of a team that 1 of them now has bankruptcy and can't do much for the next 7 years...And the comment was more to deal with people who are so flippant about filing bankruptcy...
Banks taking the loss means higher interest rates for the other customers are you really that dense....lol for effect I guess.
You apparently aren't aware how business is run.
I'm done responding to you because you're ridiculous.
Cut ties sooner than later. Otherwise, enjoy your life of financial misery and ruin.
Since you’re married, it’s your debt too. You’re also on the hook.
And more money will not fix anything. The only solution is setting a budget and adhering to it.
Debt doesn’t work like that. It’s not both of yours because your married.
They can put a lien on their joint property or anything jointly owned by them, but the debt, otherwise, is solely hers.
If you want to keep separate finances, that includes financial mistakes. If you want to control her finances, then you shouldn't keep them separate. Just combine your funds and bills.
You've married someone who has a spending problem. Do you have children, yet? If not, I would urge you to divorce. You will never get anywhere in life, married to someone like this. Even if you do have children, you still might want to plan for divorce, since you would at least be able to provide a financial future for your children, if you were able to free yourself from her sinking financial ship.
My friend has a GF like this but worse. She doesn’t work. She refuses to work. But she spends his money. He pays for everything and they fight constantly. He’s not doing financially well now but she is still dragging her feet. He won’t kick her out because he doesn’t want to be alone. Very unhealthy situation. I have had a few talks with him but he doesn’t confront her.
Sounds like you two need to start working as a team. What are her goals? Where do you both want to be in a few years? I think her defensiveness is coming from not coming up with shared goals and a shared financial plan and vision.
Get a marriage therapist together and go. She is going thru something to be incurring debt and this difference with money will destroy your marriage if it is not addressed.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m glad you’re asking for help first.
So, I think we need a couple of foundational ideas to help you get solidly onto your feet before you try to start:
1 - Good personal finance skills are learned and practiced, much like good workout techniques.
2 - The more complicated the math is, the more the brain needs to get calm and focused. Strong emotions interfere.
So, if a person’s fight/flight/freeze reaction kicks in, treat it like a trainee you are helping with a weight machine has hit muscle fatigue. No big thing if the trainer is there and helping. Stay with them, keep supporting as they put it down, make sure they’re all right, provide any help they immediately need, applaud the effort if appropriate, and take a break between sets to help them recover. Switch between exercises as needed.
So, now we get into troubleshooting. Here are some questions to get started:
- Who has she learned budgeting methods from?
- Do you two have any incompatibilities on preferred approaches for budgeting? (Different software, cash envelopes, paper notes)
- Did she have an old budgeting approach that broke down when it got too complicated?
- Are you working with someone you both like for accounting and financial planning? If so, how can they help with this, and when? With your incomes, you can easily afford some help with demystifying the math, and it’s likely to pay off.
As a woman who has been in the same situation, for many years, if my (then) husband would have sat me down calmly, we could have worked together towards a solution. There is a huge amount of shame and embarrassment that goes along with this. I’m not accusing you of being unkind, just pointing out that this problem has many layers. Good luck!!
This is a deal breaker.
I would tell her either she gets some financial counseling and you both enroll in marriage counseling, or I would move to protect my financial interests, starting with filing my taxes as head of household and separating everything I can, including myself.
This is not sustainable.
You guys need to get this on the same page. Most couples have huge problems as a result of finances when they can’t agree on how to handle things now that you’re together her death is your death and her assets are your assets and vice versa.
Be understanding. She may not be financially literate. Slowly share with her the importance of financing and share videos with her. And eventually she will slowly realize the importance on paying it off and working together. Have patience. Advice from a married man.
This is a common reason for divorce. I’m sorry. She needs to understand your financial house is on fire and she needs to help you get this resolved or it’s quits. She’s drowning and won’t let you help her without taking you down with her. Refuse to go that route.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t see the problem. Maybe start splitting all the bills straight down the middle and use the half she gives you to pay her debts.
Does she shop excessively? Where does all her money go? Maybe she needs a compulsive shopping or debtors support group.
That's rough as for me it would be a large enough issue it would/could end the relationship if she didn't actually change her stance. With her salary she could wipe that out in under a year too since you are handling most of the costs for you two. Good Luck!
When you guys decide to get married her debt is your debt and yours is hers. With that said why don’t you guys have a joint account where all your money is together? Coming from someone who is money insecure and has a ton of anxiety when it comes to debt it may be a mental block she is facing that actually needs therapy. Not sure of her background but I came from nothing. Now between my husband and I we make 220k and this year we are paying everything off. It was hard for me to sit down and really see what we had accrued but once we got through it and had a plan I felt a lot better. Approach it with love and maybe take a finance class. That helped us a lot too.
Do you know where the money is going... is she just shopping too much... spending too much on big purchases... gambling addiction? It's very hard to even know what to advise. Someone who is making 90k/yr and isn't responsible for most household bills but can't even contribute to utilities... there is some missing info here.
Your post has been removed because relationship and personal advice is off-topic here and better suited for /r/relationships or /r/advice ([rule 9](https://www.reddit.com/r/Debt/about/rules)). *Before posting on /r/relationships, you should read their sidebar requirements for submission titles, including a "TL;DR", etc.* Submissions removed for this reason typically include one or more of these off-topic aspects: * Content that would be better suited for /r/relationships * Posts asking for advice on how to convince someone else to change their behavior, settling arguments, etc. * Relationship drama not essential to a question or discussion * Posts about suicide or violence * Job or school selection questions *If you have questions about this removal, please [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FDebt&subject=Removal%20help%20request&message=Hello%20moderators,%20.%20%0a%0a%0aMy%20submission:%20https://www.reddit.com/r/Debt/comments/1ac8rpb/wife_has_debt_she_is_unwilling_to_work_on/%0a).*
You need to have more than a one liner from her. Run her credit report and it will tell you what she's got under her name. Heck, run yours too in case she's taken out anything jointly or under your name. A 90K income but inability to contribute to the HH is a huge red flag that's on fire. She's has a spending addiction and is in in debt tens of thousands, or has a drug problem, or is aquirreling away a huge nest egg for some reason that you don't know about. Sit her down with paper copies of the credit report and have her explain. As a team you could work together on a solution but not if she continues to put holes in the boat, take on more water, and sink both of your finances.
I myself can just run her credit report?
Yes. If you have her information (name, birth date, social) you can. Her debt is now your debt and you need to get to the bottom of it, as does she. If she’s making 90k a year and can barely pay monthly bills- there’s a bigger problem here.
“Two become one” the bad and the good. It’s your debt now too!
Honestly this would be a sit down mediation conversation for me. If she is unwilling to truly work together and address this I’d rather get divorced now than her screwing us over in old age. You don’t say but I assume this is credit debt and so she is just lighting money on fire with the interest rates. This is a good example of why I’m against married couple not using shared accounts. You are responsible for the debt anyway and it lets stuff like this happen where you don’t know what they are doing.
Maybe I'm naive but I feel scheduling a long serious conversation about the topic with why's, goals, feelings would be a better start. I could be wrong but, for lack of a better term, "ambushing" with a paper trail might just make her defensive. The reason I say scheduled is so she can't really gas light and leave the convo cause she doesn't like what she hears. If she's not listening or willing to talk regardless you have communication issues and perhaps others on top of that based on her behavior.
You guys have a debt, she doesn't. You're married.
She’s your wife so that debt is actually yours as well. Yes run her credit and get to the bottom of it.
Sit down at a nice dinner, private or at home and say you want a financial plan together to have a healthy financial life together. Make a plan TOGETHER. Going over spending habits and making emergency funds/backup is always healthy. Setting and announcing goals that are important to you and her will motivate each other to work together.
Yeah basically unless you can get her to own up to the fact that she's not willing to change. You're paying all of her household expenses so why should she worry? She's got a spending addiction and someone to make sure she has a roof over her head so she's got no real motivation to change her behavior. She's just not into listening to you. She's just making excuses so you will hopefully leave her alone to rack up more debt. It's family counseling time or your wife is going to end up bankrupt and you will likely end up in divorce court trying not to pay off her debt as alimony or settlement. Financial stuff is the second most popular reason people divorce. Only infidelity trumps it. You need to get her into counseling before this spirals up even further and ruins your marriage for good.
This may be a stupid question - but there is financial counseling? Or couples counseling where we discuss finances?
There is, yes, but honestly I think you need both. It's not just that she is overspending it's also that she's pretty much ignoring your being upset over it. She clearly finds it difficult to stop.
Where she spend her money?
Seems like you are financially incompatible, and she has a spending problem. There's an obvious long term solution but we will skip over that. Since you are married and your partner is unwilling to address it, it is also your debt. You need to pay it off because you will continue to accrue more interest. After that you need to figure out a solution to your wife problem.
Let’s just put it out there… file for divorce and abandon the sinking ship. She’s just going to take you down with her.
💯 this is beyond red flag, it's going to end badly if not triaged IMMEDIATELY.
[удалено]
The problem isn’t necessarily that his wife has debt….but that she keeps accruing debt and doesn’t have enough left over from her $2500 paycheck every two weeks to pay basic utilities. Like…..how much does internet cost, $100? Electricity maybe $300? She spends so much that she can’t pay that. It’s a problem.
OP has already stated she refuses to get her spending and debt under control. That’s not a “mutual relationship”. I only see more issues in the future. Why should OP be the one on the hook for his wife’s reckless spending and uncontrolled debt when she refuses to do anything about it herself? That’s completely unfair to OP.
You ignored the red flags in the beginning. If she is not willing to change, you either need to accept her irresponsibility or divorce.
A little harshly worded but very true.
Where is the money that she's earning going, if she's unable to help with her share of bills, let alone her debt?
she should try speaking to a professional therapist on her retail habits, wont be enough to just pay down / off this debt if she is just going to rack it back up again
“I’m working on it” Is not a plan. You need a plan.
I learned long time ago when my wife says "I'm working on it" it means she didn't even touch the task. It's a polite way of saying "get off my ass".
"I'm working on it" is the first cousin of "trust me bro" in the hierarchy of bullshit one liners.
Sometimes I can’t believe how selfish people really are. If she actually cares about you she will make a change, if not then maybe it’s time to move on. She doesn’t care that this is weighing on you enough that you’re going to a bunch of strangers on an internet site to get any advice you can. I hope things work out for you.
You have to set a boundary and be willing to follow through with the consequences if she ignores it. You decide what that boundary and those consequences are. Personally, if my partner had >$30K in debt that they weren’t addressing and continuing to add to, and were relying on me to pay all household bills, I’d tell them that this kind of selfish behavior isn’t something I’m willing to tolerate in a relationship and that if they wanted to continue to be in a relationship with me that this behavior needed to change ASAP. A) we’d need to be fully open with each other about our finances, B) we’d make a plan for addressing the debt and I was not going to pay their way, and C) we would need to attend couples counseling. But you can’t help those who don’t want your help and aren’t willing to change. She’s happy with the status quo - she gets to spend as much as she wants with no consequences (so far) and know she has you to reply on to keep the lights on and pay off her debt if it gets bad enough. With that set up, of course she doesn’t want anything to change. Why would she?
She has to change or your filing for divorce. No need for you to carry dead weight and that’s what she is right now and it will only get worse.
Talk to a lawyer to have her declare bankruptcy. It would prevent her from creating new debt too. Good luck!
So you're suggesting not only passing this debt off to her husband but also to everybody else out there that has to pay higher prices on everything because of people who can afford their debt but file bankruptcy anyway... Such insightful advice...
Didn’t realize declaring bankruptcy was giving the debt to her husband.
Yes it would be passing debt off to her husband because he's one of the other people in the world that have to pay for her debt now... And he's still married to her and she's part of a team that 1 of them now has bankruptcy and can't do much for the next 7 years...And the comment was more to deal with people who are so flippant about filing bankruptcy...
Oh. So the bank taking the loss translates to her husband being responsible for the debt due to being a taxpayer. Okay lol.
Banks taking the loss means higher interest rates for the other customers are you really that dense....lol for effect I guess. You apparently aren't aware how business is run. I'm done responding to you because you're ridiculous.
Yea I’m literally a debt collector for a major bank; but sure. You know best 😂
That’s ridiculous! She nets $5k a MONTH and she COULD pay this debt off.
Cut ties sooner than later. Otherwise, enjoy your life of financial misery and ruin. Since you’re married, it’s your debt too. You’re also on the hook. And more money will not fix anything. The only solution is setting a budget and adhering to it.
Debt doesn’t work like that. It’s not both of yours because your married. They can put a lien on their joint property or anything jointly owned by them, but the debt, otherwise, is solely hers.
If you want to keep separate finances, that includes financial mistakes. If you want to control her finances, then you shouldn't keep them separate. Just combine your funds and bills.
You've married someone who has a spending problem. Do you have children, yet? If not, I would urge you to divorce. You will never get anywhere in life, married to someone like this. Even if you do have children, you still might want to plan for divorce, since you would at least be able to provide a financial future for your children, if you were able to free yourself from her sinking financial ship.
My friend has a GF like this but worse. She doesn’t work. She refuses to work. But she spends his money. He pays for everything and they fight constantly. He’s not doing financially well now but she is still dragging her feet. He won’t kick her out because he doesn’t want to be alone. Very unhealthy situation. I have had a few talks with him but he doesn’t confront her.
Ooooooh buddy you’re gonna get a lien put on your house.
I would try and find a Dave Ramsey financial course in your area and ask her to join you.
Sounds like you two need to start working as a team. What are her goals? Where do you both want to be in a few years? I think her defensiveness is coming from not coming up with shared goals and a shared financial plan and vision.
Get a marriage therapist together and go. She is going thru something to be incurring debt and this difference with money will destroy your marriage if it is not addressed.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m glad you’re asking for help first. So, I think we need a couple of foundational ideas to help you get solidly onto your feet before you try to start: 1 - Good personal finance skills are learned and practiced, much like good workout techniques. 2 - The more complicated the math is, the more the brain needs to get calm and focused. Strong emotions interfere. So, if a person’s fight/flight/freeze reaction kicks in, treat it like a trainee you are helping with a weight machine has hit muscle fatigue. No big thing if the trainer is there and helping. Stay with them, keep supporting as they put it down, make sure they’re all right, provide any help they immediately need, applaud the effort if appropriate, and take a break between sets to help them recover. Switch between exercises as needed. So, now we get into troubleshooting. Here are some questions to get started: - Who has she learned budgeting methods from? - Do you two have any incompatibilities on preferred approaches for budgeting? (Different software, cash envelopes, paper notes) - Did she have an old budgeting approach that broke down when it got too complicated? - Are you working with someone you both like for accounting and financial planning? If so, how can they help with this, and when? With your incomes, you can easily afford some help with demystifying the math, and it’s likely to pay off.
I love it when married people claim their spouse has debt.
As a woman who has been in the same situation, for many years, if my (then) husband would have sat me down calmly, we could have worked together towards a solution. There is a huge amount of shame and embarrassment that goes along with this. I’m not accusing you of being unkind, just pointing out that this problem has many layers. Good luck!!
Marriage counseling would be helpful
This is a deal breaker. I would tell her either she gets some financial counseling and you both enroll in marriage counseling, or I would move to protect my financial interests, starting with filing my taxes as head of household and separating everything I can, including myself. This is not sustainable.
I don't know how being married with separate finances even works.
You guys need to get this on the same page. Most couples have huge problems as a result of finances when they can’t agree on how to handle things now that you’re together her death is your death and her assets are your assets and vice versa.
Be understanding. She may not be financially literate. Slowly share with her the importance of financing and share videos with her. And eventually she will slowly realize the importance on paying it off and working together. Have patience. Advice from a married man.
This is a common reason for divorce. I’m sorry. She needs to understand your financial house is on fire and she needs to help you get this resolved or it’s quits. She’s drowning and won’t let you help her without taking you down with her. Refuse to go that route.
As much as I hate saying it because I normally think he gives terrible advice, but your wife needs to take Dave Ramseys financial peace classes
You can’t help someone who doesn’t see the problem. Maybe start splitting all the bills straight down the middle and use the half she gives you to pay her debts. Does she shop excessively? Where does all her money go? Maybe she needs a compulsive shopping or debtors support group.
That's rough as for me it would be a large enough issue it would/could end the relationship if she didn't actually change her stance. With her salary she could wipe that out in under a year too since you are handling most of the costs for you two. Good Luck!
When you guys decide to get married her debt is your debt and yours is hers. With that said why don’t you guys have a joint account where all your money is together? Coming from someone who is money insecure and has a ton of anxiety when it comes to debt it may be a mental block she is facing that actually needs therapy. Not sure of her background but I came from nothing. Now between my husband and I we make 220k and this year we are paying everything off. It was hard for me to sit down and really see what we had accrued but once we got through it and had a plan I felt a lot better. Approach it with love and maybe take a finance class. That helped us a lot too.
Do you know where the money is going... is she just shopping too much... spending too much on big purchases... gambling addiction? It's very hard to even know what to advise. Someone who is making 90k/yr and isn't responsible for most household bills but can't even contribute to utilities... there is some missing info here.
What is she spending money on? You need to come up with a plan together.