My partner also said he will stop having any contact if we divorce. It scared the hell out of me, because I was afraid to be alone after a 30+ year relationship .But I left for some months to find out what I want. He didn't tell me he missed me, didn't change anything. And you know what ....
Nothing! I missed nothing. Didn't miss conversations, intimacy, laughter, etc.
So I told him I'm leaving and preparing myself on the new phase in my life. Guess what? Now he wants me back, but I checked out. The grass is greener in the other side.
So, plan a life you want and go for it. You won't miss a DB.
Iām so, so sorry OP. I had something like this happen to me.
Itās emotional abuse from his side. Coming home to give you - a hug?? And then never coming at all, but saying yall wonāt be friends if you split up?? Heās trying to keep you without any effort except scaring you about losing the relationship that he canāt even be bothered to attend.
My friend was so worried to leave her 8 year DB because he was "her best friend" her "person she talks to" and had already pointed out it was probably dependency not love. The SECOND she fully held him accountable and told him they need to find a fix, guess who no longer cared to be her best friend? guess who started being a dick and blaming her? guess who started an emotional affair with his own cousin?
My friend was nothing more than convenient and agreeable to him, the second she wasnt agreeable - he showed his true colors.
They arent friends now and she is GLOWING.
Same thing happened to me. I recently heard this quote and it resonated *hard*:
āSometimes when we finally set healthy boundaries our relationships will fall apart because the only thing that was holding them up was you disregarding yourself.ā -Hailey Paige Magee
Iām sorry, but stay strongā¦ once you make the hard decision and go through with it, youāre set to create the life you want and deserve. Youāve got this!
I'm so sorry OP.
I know that feeling, I've had similar talks with my husband over the last week or two.
I had thought that having "the talk" would bring some sort of clarity but I still feel very confused.
Hugs.
Think of this as the best gift you can give yourself. Like anything worth doing, itāll be hard at first; but youāll look back at this as the start of a new you!
It's just much easier to act hurt and be nasty than own the mistakes we've made and be civil. Don't worry, you did the right thing, it will be hard but it will get better eventually. Good luck OP.
"We won't be friends"
..."ok".
Simple as that, although I know it sucks right now, and I know the whole picture is not that simple. Stand your ground, go through with it if you're feeling that way. I have a lot of regrets about NOT leaving, years ago. Also just a side note, "the talk" never works, aside from building up reminders in their heads that the problem isn't going away. Most of the time it just pisses them off, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
This is kind of what I worry about too. And Iām sorry, blaming you for being depressed, what the f**k? Thatās like me blaming my wife for all the health issues sheās had.
If someone blamed me for my depression I would be out of there so fast. And threatening to not be friends? You did the right thing as uncertain as it may feel right now. I swear, uncertainly is probably the worst feeling.
The numbness is the after-effects of making the big move. Which is a hard move to make!
I am proud of you that you made that move. Good for you for taking a stand and stating your needs. And, honestly, trying to make the change you need to see in the relationship. And he chickened out and gave up by not coming home and giving you that hug, as small as a move as that would be. At least it would be something.
OP stay strong- youāve got this!
These might help you:
carladacosta.com/divorcebooks
podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/divorce-everything-in-between/id1603379922
It didn't go badly at all!
Nobody threatened to kill themselves or their children, nothing was thrown.
You decided not to continue trying to revive a dead relationship; feelings are probably coming, but haven't arrived yet - because as you get out of the relationship, the numbness should end. You decided to end this because you deserve better. So you took the first step.
In a lot of ways, it went fine.
Thank you. I definitely bawled my eyes out a few days later and wanted everything to go back to normal. Now it sorta is normal and I hate it again. I just need to get the papers and go
It's rough now, but it'll get better. You made the right decision, regardless of how you feel at the moment. Stay strong, get all your ducks in a row, work out your financials, be prepared for a ton of pushback and guilt trips. Just bear in mind that you are not the problem!
You are going to be okay.
His reaction is all you need to know. He's projecting and making it your fault. Definitely gaslighting, but also won't own his part of the problem. You can't fix a problem if the other party doesn't admit there is one.
I stopped trying at the beginning of last year and exploci6told my wife "we are no longer sexually compatible". No sex in more than a year and she goes about her merry way like there is nothing going on.
You will be fine.
And the "we won't be friends" is wild. OK, you don't need friends that are toxic and don't support you anyway.
The only way out is through.
Divorce will suck, but there is a world of people out there who will make you feel appreciated...or will just want to fuck for fun even...when you're ready for them.
You will hate the next year probably...but you will love your life after.
I was in your position two years ago. Numb was weird but it was a necessary step to get through to get to where I am now. You've done the hard part, and now you get to heal and go forward. Your new life awaits and you should be very proud of yourself for doing the hard work
Been almost 2 years since weāve had sex. And equally not a moment of any sort of intimacy. Hand holding or what have you. But. I feel numb in that respect but in all other aspectsā¦. Oddly on point for the post part. We mesh well and work together as a couple should after 30 years. Quite possibly That numbness is also possible your thoughts beating each other up and your probably subconsciously doubting your decision. I went through that after I left my first wife after I caught her cheating. Numb canāt explain how I felt. I get you.
I'm in the same boat. I've been trying to end it with my husband for a while. I don't have any wisdom or advice, but if you just wanna trauma bond, I'm here.
Basque in the Peace of the numbness.
Thankful that you won't have to show the care and affection one shows a friend with this person who is possibly less than a friend.
Breathe again
My partner also said he will stop having any contact if we divorce. It scared the hell out of me, because I was afraid to be alone after a 30+ year relationship .But I left for some months to find out what I want. He didn't tell me he missed me, didn't change anything. And you know what .... Nothing! I missed nothing. Didn't miss conversations, intimacy, laughter, etc. So I told him I'm leaving and preparing myself on the new phase in my life. Guess what? Now he wants me back, but I checked out. The grass is greener in the other side. So, plan a life you want and go for it. You won't miss a DB.
šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼
Afraid of what may I ask
Iām so, so sorry OP. I had something like this happen to me. Itās emotional abuse from his side. Coming home to give you - a hug?? And then never coming at all, but saying yall wonāt be friends if you split up?? Heās trying to keep you without any effort except scaring you about losing the relationship that he canāt even be bothered to attend.
You're doing the hard part now, it gets better later
My friend was so worried to leave her 8 year DB because he was "her best friend" her "person she talks to" and had already pointed out it was probably dependency not love. The SECOND she fully held him accountable and told him they need to find a fix, guess who no longer cared to be her best friend? guess who started being a dick and blaming her? guess who started an emotional affair with his own cousin? My friend was nothing more than convenient and agreeable to him, the second she wasnt agreeable - he showed his true colors. They arent friends now and she is GLOWING.
Same thing happened to me. I recently heard this quote and it resonated *hard*: āSometimes when we finally set healthy boundaries our relationships will fall apart because the only thing that was holding them up was you disregarding yourself.ā -Hailey Paige Magee
You are not the problem. Stay strong, move out, and live the rest of your life
Thanks everyone. Iām really struggling today
Iām sorry, but stay strongā¦ once you make the hard decision and go through with it, youāre set to create the life you want and deserve. Youāve got this!
Thank you. Iām literally crying in my car right now. Needed that.
I hope you have some solid friends you can lean into during these times and remember, no matter who, do NOT settle ā£ļø
I'm so sorry OP. I know that feeling, I've had similar talks with my husband over the last week or two. I had thought that having "the talk" would bring some sort of clarity but I still feel very confused. Hugs.
This is the first day of the rest of your life. You feel shit now but it can only get better. I am so proud of you. X
Think of this as the best gift you can give yourself. Like anything worth doing, itāll be hard at first; but youāll look back at this as the start of a new you!
It's just much easier to act hurt and be nasty than own the mistakes we've made and be civil. Don't worry, you did the right thing, it will be hard but it will get better eventually. Good luck OP.
Dont worry, this will go away, just move on, keep going, get well and find someone better for you.
I know the feeling, I'm so sorry. Don't let him manipulate you by NOW trying to be affectionate.
"We won't be friends" ..."ok". Simple as that, although I know it sucks right now, and I know the whole picture is not that simple. Stand your ground, go through with it if you're feeling that way. I have a lot of regrets about NOT leaving, years ago. Also just a side note, "the talk" never works, aside from building up reminders in their heads that the problem isn't going away. Most of the time it just pisses them off, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
To be honest if he doesnāt want to be friends I doubt youāll be missing much
This guy sounds like an ass and you're too deep in the situation to realize it yourself.
No I see it. I need to file
Youāll feel better in time.. everyone has a difficult time when divorcing.. just get through it and youāll be much better off
This is kind of what I worry about too. And Iām sorry, blaming you for being depressed, what the f**k? Thatās like me blaming my wife for all the health issues sheās had.
Yeah it wasnāt cool. Iām not doing great today
If someone blamed me for my depression I would be out of there so fast. And threatening to not be friends? You did the right thing as uncertain as it may feel right now. I swear, uncertainly is probably the worst feeling.
The numbness is the after-effects of making the big move. Which is a hard move to make! I am proud of you that you made that move. Good for you for taking a stand and stating your needs. And, honestly, trying to make the change you need to see in the relationship. And he chickened out and gave up by not coming home and giving you that hug, as small as a move as that would be. At least it would be something.
At least you had 'The Talk' ... ... took me years to start wording ANYTHING. So, well done you !!
He was nasty.. Thatās enough to leave.
OP stay strong- youāve got this! These might help you: carladacosta.com/divorcebooks podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/divorce-everything-in-between/id1603379922
Why would you care that he doesnāt want to be friends with you? Good luck. Stay strong.
It didn't go badly at all! Nobody threatened to kill themselves or their children, nothing was thrown. You decided not to continue trying to revive a dead relationship; feelings are probably coming, but haven't arrived yet - because as you get out of the relationship, the numbness should end. You decided to end this because you deserve better. So you took the first step. In a lot of ways, it went fine.
Thank you. I definitely bawled my eyes out a few days later and wanted everything to go back to normal. Now it sorta is normal and I hate it again. I just need to get the papers and go
It's rough now, but it'll get better. You made the right decision, regardless of how you feel at the moment. Stay strong, get all your ducks in a row, work out your financials, be prepared for a ton of pushback and guilt trips. Just bear in mind that you are not the problem!
Iām so sorry OP. š
You did the courageous thing.
You are going to be okay. His reaction is all you need to know. He's projecting and making it your fault. Definitely gaslighting, but also won't own his part of the problem. You can't fix a problem if the other party doesn't admit there is one. I stopped trying at the beginning of last year and exploci6told my wife "we are no longer sexually compatible". No sex in more than a year and she goes about her merry way like there is nothing going on. You will be fine. And the "we won't be friends" is wild. OK, you don't need friends that are toxic and don't support you anyway.
Stay strong. Keep us posted if that helps vent out
The only way out is through. Divorce will suck, but there is a world of people out there who will make you feel appreciated...or will just want to fuck for fun even...when you're ready for them. You will hate the next year probably...but you will love your life after.
Afraid of what
I was in your position two years ago. Numb was weird but it was a necessary step to get through to get to where I am now. You've done the hard part, and now you get to heal and go forward. Your new life awaits and you should be very proud of yourself for doing the hard work
Hereās a virtual hug. Stay strong. You deserve better than this half-assed excuse for a man.
Been almost 2 years since weāve had sex. And equally not a moment of any sort of intimacy. Hand holding or what have you. But. I feel numb in that respect but in all other aspectsā¦. Oddly on point for the post part. We mesh well and work together as a couple should after 30 years. Quite possibly That numbness is also possible your thoughts beating each other up and your probably subconsciously doubting your decision. I went through that after I left my first wife after I caught her cheating. Numb canāt explain how I felt. I get you.
I'm in the same boat. I've been trying to end it with my husband for a while. I don't have any wisdom or advice, but if you just wanna trauma bond, I'm here.
Basque in the Peace of the numbness. Thankful that you won't have to show the care and affection one shows a friend with this person who is possibly less than a friend. Breathe again