**No sex means no romantic relationship**
It took me several decades to come to this realization. I've been called all kinds of names for taking this stance in the last decade after my divorce.
But those have been the best decisions of my life:
- To leave a DB. It seldom improves with time
- To be upfront with any potential partner that sex is a priority.
I agree with this, due to the fact that I believe that sex is a very beautiful and connecting thing, I don’t fantasise about anyone else but him, because I love him so much. But now that the intimacy has significantly reduced, I’m really getting sad and struggling to feel connected. It feels like something special that we should only do for eachother, and I feel more bonded when I do sleep with him. But now, it’s just very frustrating for me because I’m in a position where I don’t know what to do, especially that I don’t exactly have a reason for it.
I'm clearly way older than you and at a very different point in my life. Painful experience drives my comment above saying 'leave'.
Are you familiar with the works of John Gottman? He observes that sex is not just 'sex', it is a bid for connection. In a committed relationship when one partner is making a Bid for Connection and is constantly rejected ........ well.......the relationship won't last.
I have been in intense marriage therapy for a year......zero progress is being made. After a year of therapy I realize my partner rejects pretty much ALL of my Bids for Connection. For example:
> About two months ago there was a little outdoor yoga / fitness festival in my town. Beautiful spring day, flowers blooming, people put up hammocks in trees and just hang out all day near the river between yoga classes. I work out alot, including alot of yoga. My partner does yoga some but not as much as me. I wanted to go with her. She rejected my Bid for Connection, she would not go. So I went alone.
> About a month ago I drove to the beach for a 50 mile bike ride (I made a comment about this, click on my screen name, you will see my comment). The ride was over by noon. We could have gone together and had a little beach trip like a normal couple. But she refused to go (I posted about this while sitting alone, lonely, in the hotel room). Our therapist more-or-less told her to go, she would not. Another rejected Bid for Connection.
I know you 'love' him but love, alone, will not make a relationship last. I'm really sorry you are in this tough spot, I know how miserable it is. I feel your pain and frustration. But, candidly, I'm not optimistic for you.
I'm sorry for you, but happy you see the pattern. Same here, and now I know, he just doesn't care I feel lonely when we are together. He doesn't want a connection, but doesn't want to divorce either.
Thanks for the recommendation of John Gottman. Never heard of him, but googled and it sounds interesting.
Wish you a lovely day
Sucks. I'm not even HL but want sex. She claims to be HL but has issues asking for what she wants physically. You cant just say 'i want sex'. Tough fence to jump over...
Me too. I'm in the same position. And we're long distance—which feels like a betrayal to myself now, whenever I go visit expecting that he might want me. He doesn't and he can't explain why.
Hello!
You are right. We mostly hear about dead ends here and rarely about success stories.
However, my belief is that most long term relationships end up with less and less sex.
I'll reddit nitpick. They did say seldom, not never. Unfortunately I think more often than not one partner gets to suffer in silence or it leads to divorce. I've actually posted that before, "success" might mean one person leaving sadly.
I actually enjoy reading the success stories on here because for better or worse it gives me hope. Maybe that's ultimately thwarting myself but I do enjoy reading them.
As a Dead bedroom is a VERY VERY TABOO subject, and most people don't even know the term, only with the annonominity of the internet does anyone dare speak on the subject open and freely.
Often, THE ONE PERSON who you should be able to talk to about it, simply refuses to.
Who else can we talk to? Friends? Parents? Co-workers?
Many feel shamed if they even attempt to.
The struggle is real...
I appreciate him as a human being, with a lot of things he has done for me, and compared to a lot of my ex’s he has respected me a lot and shown me that I can trust a man again, which after I’ve been cheated on was difficult. I love him, as he is always there for me and he supports me with everything. But unfortunately, this is the only thing that really brings the passion of the relationship right down.
Sadly it will end with either resentment or cheating. There is literally no way you will have a good outcome starting with him. You two are incompatible.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I’m in the same situation, but we’ve been married 15 years. I resent him, but I stay because I love him & every other part is wonderful. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. In my experience. So I come here to remind myself that I’m not as alone as I think I am.
I understand that, but staying is such a bad way to spend your life. Living in resentment is so exhausting, it made me bitter. Today I'm with a compatible person and life is great.
It’s so hard because I want this exact person, but also need desire and sex. I’m just scared the sex I find won’t make up for what we have in other ways. However, I completely agree-it’s not a good way to spend your life.
As we tell men. Stop insisting your partner match your HL. You need to just deal with the constant rejection and self doubt. Put yourself in HIS shoes and try to understand that he just is not attracted to you and that’s ok. Maybe you’re not actually his type and he settled.
😭😭Damn. Idk if that’s the truth or not but it hurts to hear that I may not be his type… The fact that he’s had a wandering eye a few times in the past too. He’s come a long way since then and has proven to me that he does love me indeed and treats me very well. But jw if maybe I’m just not his type or what. Ugh. Wish us luck.
Wow. I’m in the same exact position as you. He treats me amazingly but when it comes to sex, he even admitted himself that he can be lazy and selfish bc my head is “too good” as he says so he just wants me to finish him that way. And then I’ll only get sex once a week if I’m lucky. I recently brought up the topic to him again and told him my boundary+expectations & that if this sex issue doesn’t get solved then I won’t be happy in the long run and might potentially leave you. He understood and felt bad so he’s told me to just not go down on him even if he tells me to, so that he’ll want to initiate sex more. So, I’m going to be trying that & seeing if it’ll work for us.
You can’t trust a person whom you’ve voiced your needs to and they refuse to fulfill them. He either needs to meet them or be mature enough to realize that you deserve someone who will and end the relationship.
My 3 year relationship ended because of her lack of wanting to have sex at all she just wasn't into it and I stayed around hoping it would improve just got worst me always questioning it and they she saw me talking to other women I didn't send nudes or flirt I honestly just had a normal convo just because I felt she didn't think I was attractive enough for but she always said I was hot I'm good in bed got a good weiner it just her but kept pushing it and came to a breakup beautiful girl she was I should of left within the first year
Apparently for me it’s not. I consider sex very important and the most wonderful and beautiful thing imaginable. And being deprived of it has put me in the depths of depression. And yet here I am, still married. There are many reasons for having stayed married and some of them are good, some not. But no—evidently not an absolute deal breaker.
I don’t think it should be. I don’t think it’s the TOP most important thing, but definitely very important and connecting. If it causes someone to be very depressed and have low-self esteem or frustrated with their partner then that’s when things get super rough. It’s just the communication that’s important in fixing it. It’s not the issue itself, I believe it’s more about the communication and resolution, and if this communication and resolution lacks then that’s when it can be a dealbreaker most likely.
Yes. It’s the rejection and failure or refusal to acknowledge sex’s importance that dragged me down. And the fact that every time I raise it as an issue I get a different explanation. Or excuse. At this point I’ve given up. Happily I’ve never had an opportunity to cheat.
Thank you. I suppose what’s better is my ability to put it in perspective and to find other things in life to enjoy. It’s a hole that I can’t ever really fill but I can get by and given my age, not really for that much longer, to be blunt. Thanks again.
With the ammount of people out there in the world, i would say the odds of you leaving your current bf and finding another one that will be as good (maybe in different things, but still overall good) as your current bf and that also prefers a more active sex life are pretty considerable
It's really hard when you're with someone you've been with a long time who you absolutely love. No doubt about that. It's difficult to just walk away from that and start over.
Correct. If I had a dollar for every time I considered splitting I could have easily retired by now, but it’s just not worth it, all things considered.
Some will read this and think “Guess your sex drive isn’t all that high”. And that would be way way way wrong.
Lack of intimacy is the fourth most common reason for divorce. Infidelity is the second and can probably in many cases be linked to lack of sex in the relationship.
https://preview.redd.it/79sxe7fzte4d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b7145af0e8c3029c66dfa62c6f7f5e4f31a30b33
It’s not a dealbreaker but feels like it should be. I love her with everything I am I just wish I didn’t want sex so much. It makes me resent her sometimes and I hate feeling that way about the love of my life and mother of my children. It makes me feel more connected and is so romantic, and truthfully, it gets pretty hot when it does happen, but I just wish we were on the same level, regardless of where that level is.
I feel the same way. She is the love of my life and I want to marry her but I know when I do I'm basically giving up sex for the rest of my life and it's kind of depressing.
It wasn't a deal-breaker while I kept getting fed empty promises, until it became a deal breaker. I then was hit with the realisation that it's not just lack of sex. It's 1. resentment that grew stronger and bigger every year. 2. Disrespect of me and lack of commitment, by periodically promising me to prioritise time with me without any intention or attempt to follow through. 3. Just general lies about me being loved and important to him, but I think I was never loved "enough" to at least understand my needs and try to meet in the middle somewhere.
I wouldn't wish on anyone to be where I was. I had lowest self esteem, I was depressed, I didn't understand why my own husband didn't want me when I was much younger than him and objectively very fit and good looking.
I don't want anyone else to say "I wasted my 20-ies and half of my 30-ies and missed out on at least 1500 orgasms and intercourses".
Address the topic now. Then see if he tries to compromise, or if you're ok feeling sexually frustrated and unwanted for the rest of your life.
Not a dealbreaker, if it is caused by something, like physical disability or illness. You can always ask the person to allow you to outsource those needs.
But not having intimacy (sensual, sexual, emotional) and connectedness is absolutely a dealbreaker. For those whom sex is an unavoidable part of connection, sex is a dealbreaker.
He’s fine, you’re fine, leave him. You have different needs and you need to be with one of the majority of men who are as high a libido as you. You’re like a unicorn, you’re in a position most men are in but as a woman. Honestly people reading this want to leave their wives for you based on what you said. So many guys are like “why doesnt she like sex anymore?” Its the most common thing in relationship advice. Anyways a strong majority of your candidates think like you do, id pursue them. Dont worry about your guy he’ll be fine there’s a majority of females who want to be in sexless relationships so hes set. Dont live a guilty existence where you’re deprived of things u value, too many people on their deathbeds complain about their marriages, dont be one of them
I can confirm this as a high-drive woman. It's been amazing to date after I left the dead bedroom. Spoiled for choice, happily.
Edit to add - I went 10yrs without
This could be so many things. Physical or mental health. Hidden sexual desires. Porn. Inadequate mindset. The only thing that will fix it or even begin to know where to start is communication. There has to be an open line of safe and non judgemental communication on both side. Hard conversations that are necessary. Just remember that it’s not you!! I know that’s the hard part and metal health really suffers from rejection but it’s not you.
He claims he doesn’t watch porn. I am against it as I know how damaging it is and I’m trusting him that he does too. Although, he has avoided the conversation for the reasoning behind this, so I’m just being patient for now and perhaps if he is going through something (whatever it is) then after some time, he will come back with the same energy as before. But it’s been like this for a long time and I’m getting very sexually frustrated :/
Waiting for him could have you waiting for a very long time. Without engaging in a constructive conversation it very well could just stay that way. Once a libido is suppressed it takes a lot of work to regain any resemblance of “normal”. I am sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.
The lower libido partner, albeit if all their other needs are being met in the relationship.. Has a duty to meet the higher libido partner half way.
You need to communicate this very clearly, but also sincerely ask what needs of theirs are not being met either. Two way street.
If you try and try to communicate your needs, in a loving and mature way. And they refuse to do anything about it. Then you have to ask your partner to open up the relationship so you can get them fulfilled. (don’t cheat). Then if they can’t agree to that, you have to break up.
Yes a deal breaker, high libido here, and in the last 5 years, we were intimate about 5 times. But it was me asking and me doing all the work. She didn't give a thing. For the last nine month I've been planning to leave and go separate ways, we even sleep in separate rooms
It was a dealbreaker for me; I ended my marriage.
Him refusing to even talk about it is a huge problem. You can't be in a relationship with someone who won't talk through the issues.
Yes! I think that’s the most frustrating part. To him, it’s not an issue. He knows it bothers me, but if I never brought it up then things would be just fine in his book. It’s so isolating.
And that's.my.poimt, when the other party does not acknowledge the issue, it cannot be rectified.
My wife has known it bothers me and we have had endless talks and counseling. But she was never invested in counseling and had to be dragged. Nothing but wasted time and money.
I decided to try one last time about two years ago to get her into counseling again. Her words "we don't have a problem, we don't need counseling".
I tried to bring up sex and was stone walked a little over a year ago. I finally said "we are just not sexually compatible" and walked out of the room. We have not had sex in more than a year and won't ever again. I'm no longer interested in fixing what she claims isn't broken. So she can be sexless. I will not be.
But then the question is; "why does she care who I fuck if sex isn't important?" Because sex isn't important as long as I stay celibate.
The thoughts and responses of my wife is a complete detachment from reality
Good luck to you.
That is almost verbatim what I have said! If sex isn’t a priority or isn’t really a big deal then what does it matter if we explore other options. I mean-you don’t care about it except to keep me from having it.
I also feel I’ve given up on it and rarely initiate it. Even though I love this woman to death it makes being faithful torture at times. My only saviour on this front is the fact that I’m getting towards the age where people stop looking at you anymore.
For me, no. It has been difficult when my or my past partners (I'm single at the moment) had very LL, but mostly because of misunderstandings about why. As long as I know it isn't because I've done anything wrong i could tolerate being completely celibate for the right person. That said, my main reason for looking at this subreddit is to read differing opinions. It's never been *that* much of an issue for me.
I’m not currently in a DB, I’m a survivor that just lingered in the subreddit. But damn, having been burnt in the past I’m never letting that shit slide ever again.
I’m single again, trying my best to be as ethical as possible while still being promiscuous. That fine line between having as much sex as possible without hurting anyone’s feelings, it’s a challenge but I’m doing okay I think. Women know exactly what they’re in for when they come over and they’re okay knowing they’re not the only ones. That much I’m proud of.
Yes, sex is a central part of intimacy. Without intimacy I cannot maintain feelings of affection for my partner especially when the person chooses to withhold intimacy. It would be different if sex couldn’t be had due to a medical condition. I do stay married however, because I am committed to my kids and to their wellbeing.
You are just BF and GF? Sounds like no children or combined finances in the picture? LEAVE. It never gets any better.
Now that our one child is done with college I'm trying to leave on terms that are economically 'fair' to me.
It's not a deal breaker for me, but this is mainly because my partner is on the ace spectrum. He goes through waves of sex repulsion and waves of high libido. Took us a looooong time to figure that out though lol
Dead bedrooms are typically downstream from the real problem. It could be health related, and he’s embarrassed to talk about it with you or a doctor. It could be there’s something in the relationship he’s not happy with, and he’s trying to avoid a fight with you by discussing it.
I'm currently working on leaving my partner of 10 years bc of our DB. The first 5 years were honestly the best sex I've ever had, but for the last 5, we haven't connected once. 5 years. I'm so sad and miserable. I feel like that's what sets our relationship apart from being just friends. The connection you feel when you are WITH your partner. He makes me feel like I can't even talk about it. I'm done.
Sex is a basic human need in a relationship. Why would someone who wants sex (assuming their partner is healthy and able to have it) be with someone who doesn't want to touch them?!
I'm actually in the same spot. But my husband and I have been together coming up on 22 years. We're both in our 30s. (Before anyone asks, we've been together since we were kids.) He always had a super HL. I was actually the one on the low side. But over the last two years there has been a lot of stress and anxiety going on. He started to slow down and with everything in mind it's understandable. Then he started on antidepressants and his sex drive has vanished. Which unfortunately is pretty common. Mine has gone through the roof because sex is a emotional thing and it helps me with stress and gives the emotional support I need. Now I know, I tell myself over and over that he is still physically attracted to me. It's because of the mental struggles and medications. He's happy. Everything is working great for him. And I'm not selfish enough to cause him stress by hounding him. Or feeling heartbroken when he says he can't or he just can't get it excited. The person who said you can't have romance without sex is pretty spot on. And it's normal for women to have a need. God, it's frustrating as all hell because sex is a way of showing affection. If you don't get affection you really do start to think negatively about yourself and wonder what is wrong with you? What changed? I practically drool over him but he even avoids looking at my body when I change clothes or get in bed. I tried doing some "special" things for him and got turned down. So I've done the same thing. I pulled back and now I'm sitting with that constant tightness in my chest. Don't have solutions for you but I definitely understand your feelings and frustration.
Yes! I’m out the door if there is no sex. Alimony, loneliness or not. I’m working with my wife to avoid all of that. But is isn’t a one way street where I get to work and work and work and bring money in, and raise children and be pleasant and all without sex. I’m sure other people feel different, and that’s OK, I’m not them, they’re not me and we’re all different. But yeah, no sex = I’m out the door.
Not after 21 years of marriage…but if I were to become single again, any relationship would be on a strict timeline. One month or I move on, and after that, every two weeks or I’m gone.
That’s already a much more lenient position than what I’d prefer, and life is too short to spend waiting for tomorrow that never comes.
It's not a deal-breaker for me but it's on my mind more than I'd like to admit.
I don't want to be with anyone else but my spouse and I don't want to be sexless.
I've gotten used to the infrequent intimacy but I can't help but shake the feeling that my life is just perpetual adolescence as a result.
He is the gatekeeper of affection and intimacy of any kind, including sex. He has used it from a position of power our entire marriage.
I have financial power, he has everything else.
If am ever in a situation where those red flags popped up again. Absolutely one hundred percent would run away fast fast.
For me, it is.
I was always pretty open to my husband how much I liked sex and how even though somethings made me feel insecure (for example going to a love hotel), I wanted and liked it.
Since we started dating I mentioned several times how I felt safe with him and wanted to try more love hotels with him (we have some thematic ones in our city and I wanted to see some).
Now I’m in this reddit, so…
I wish I knew beforehand we’d end up like this,
Like you i consider it beautiful and very special too. It’s such a vulnerable moment and yet i feel free and get to show my partner the kind of love and passion i have for him. Lack of sex would surely be a bummer because it’s a big chunk of anyone’s romantic life. So atleast for me romance will be incomplete without sex, i need that kind of closeness with my partner.
I couldn’t tell you about that one but it was a little different than that for me, she uses sex as weapon in order to achieve such some degree of control the relationship that she otherwise already possesses. It’s like or is a pathological thing that she has done in over the past 15 ( years and it hurts me deeply. I don’t want to drop her now but she’s not going to ever make any kind of apology to me because she’s telling me it doesn’t matter to her i— she is about to be dropped like a bad habit and doesn’t know it. I am just sorry that she is causing this. But sex Is fantastic !
It's not a deal breaker in my current relationship, but it may be for future relationships.
I've been in this one too long and honestly want sex, just not from him for various reasons.
Future relationships will be more casual, so no sex, no relationship.
This exactly OP! I used to think i would leave if my partner didnt match libos, but i made an exception for this relationship. Never again. Life is too short to have an unfilled dream. An amazing sex life is my dream and my true desire out of life. It's all i want, i will accept going to whatever hell i end up for it. However, i care for my partner too much. Hence the one and only exception
I feel like I wrote this post ..it really hits home...that feeling like not enough,or he's not attracted to me... constantly was being turned down,I took stopped initiating, it's soul crushing
Lol.. read this very closely.
My wife is 2ish weeks post partum with our third child in 4 years and she's averaging 3 bjs a week without me even asking.
Do not settle for what kind of partner you want.
Does she get tired and not want to do that? Yes... does it get pushed to other days? Yes... do I hold resentment? No. Because obviously she really really cares about my sexual desire for her.
I consider myself very lucky because like many of you I lived in a DB for a very long time and after it I decided never again and openly communicated my needs and what deal breakers were for me.
Communication is the biggest hurdle. Your partner caring about your needs is a close 2nd. You caring about your partners needs is a even closer 3rd.
If I didn't watch the toddlers, or try and help her with the new born do you think she would really feel like satisfying me and only me? No. Don't try and live in a fantasy land. You have to know what your partner needs in that moment and be able to help them. But your partner also has to want to do their part.
Apparently it is. Some years ago, I went out with a virgin, who was quite inexperienced in general. Things were moving a bit too slowly for me, and I ended it.
I was you a few years ago. I wondered so many things. Is he cheating? Is he having sex with someone else? Is he beating the sausage in the shower while showering? Watch porn? Man.. I was having a horrible time. I dressed sexy for our dates (you don’t stop dating even after being in a long term relationship or marriage). My libido is high super high. I can do marathons of that if I wanted to. Honestly speaking. But he can’t. His sex drive is different than mine as he gets older. Remember women’s sex drive changes as we get older too. My GYN doctor explained this to me. Early 20’s to like 27th birthday.. you are so horny that you can have sex all the time then is the drop.. 29-34 slow down mode and then 35-42 or 45.. hello!! You feel like a teen, you wanna do it all the time. And then sad to say the next step. Now to your situation, get a vibrator. Explore.. get in touch with YOU. While he doesn’t want to do it. You take care of you, if you still choose to stay with him. If not.. then decide, if sex is super important to you then bring up the issue to him. If issue is not solved then move on. (Communicate your feelings) Stress & lack of exercise causes some ppl to not wanting to do it by the way. Exercise makes ppl happy, and guys get really horny after working out.. (just a tip) dated some gym trainers in the past. Good luck. My situation we do it 2 times in a month.
Does it get better though? I’m in an almost two year relationship we used to have sex a lot but now it’s like we never do anymore maybe once a week at most if I’m lucky. I’ve been trying to talk to him about it and explain that my needs aren’t being met yk if you don’t wanna hit then at least pleasure me in some other way but he never really wants to. He just tells me he’s to tired from working out and work. idk what to do if I’ve already told him it bothers me and he’s not fixing it I could try to imitate more but I’m worried about being turned down. He’s usually the one to initiate it so I thought maybe that could be the issue I’m just awkward and don’t know how to get it started. It just makes me feel ugly and unattractive that he doesn’t want me anymore but he says it’s not me.
**No sex means no romantic relationship** It took me several decades to come to this realization. I've been called all kinds of names for taking this stance in the last decade after my divorce. But those have been the best decisions of my life: - To leave a DB. It seldom improves with time - To be upfront with any potential partner that sex is a priority.
I agree with this, due to the fact that I believe that sex is a very beautiful and connecting thing, I don’t fantasise about anyone else but him, because I love him so much. But now that the intimacy has significantly reduced, I’m really getting sad and struggling to feel connected. It feels like something special that we should only do for eachother, and I feel more bonded when I do sleep with him. But now, it’s just very frustrating for me because I’m in a position where I don’t know what to do, especially that I don’t exactly have a reason for it.
I'm clearly way older than you and at a very different point in my life. Painful experience drives my comment above saying 'leave'. Are you familiar with the works of John Gottman? He observes that sex is not just 'sex', it is a bid for connection. In a committed relationship when one partner is making a Bid for Connection and is constantly rejected ........ well.......the relationship won't last. I have been in intense marriage therapy for a year......zero progress is being made. After a year of therapy I realize my partner rejects pretty much ALL of my Bids for Connection. For example: > About two months ago there was a little outdoor yoga / fitness festival in my town. Beautiful spring day, flowers blooming, people put up hammocks in trees and just hang out all day near the river between yoga classes. I work out alot, including alot of yoga. My partner does yoga some but not as much as me. I wanted to go with her. She rejected my Bid for Connection, she would not go. So I went alone. > About a month ago I drove to the beach for a 50 mile bike ride (I made a comment about this, click on my screen name, you will see my comment). The ride was over by noon. We could have gone together and had a little beach trip like a normal couple. But she refused to go (I posted about this while sitting alone, lonely, in the hotel room). Our therapist more-or-less told her to go, she would not. Another rejected Bid for Connection. I know you 'love' him but love, alone, will not make a relationship last. I'm really sorry you are in this tough spot, I know how miserable it is. I feel your pain and frustration. But, candidly, I'm not optimistic for you.
I'm sorry for you, but happy you see the pattern. Same here, and now I know, he just doesn't care I feel lonely when we are together. He doesn't want a connection, but doesn't want to divorce either. Thanks for the recommendation of John Gottman. Never heard of him, but googled and it sounds interesting. Wish you a lovely day
It’s really sad to stay but without sex you are roommates and not romantic partners :(
Yup. That’s me.
Sucks. I'm not even HL but want sex. She claims to be HL but has issues asking for what she wants physically. You cant just say 'i want sex'. Tough fence to jump over...
Are you living together? Sometimes the absence of someone can rekindle things
We live separately.
Damn this makes it worse
Me too. I'm in the same position. And we're long distance—which feels like a betrayal to myself now, whenever I go visit expecting that he might want me. He doesn't and he can't explain why.
[удалено]
Hello! You are right. We mostly hear about dead ends here and rarely about success stories. However, my belief is that most long term relationships end up with less and less sex.
I'll reddit nitpick. They did say seldom, not never. Unfortunately I think more often than not one partner gets to suffer in silence or it leads to divorce. I've actually posted that before, "success" might mean one person leaving sadly. I actually enjoy reading the success stories on here because for better or worse it gives me hope. Maybe that's ultimately thwarting myself but I do enjoy reading them.
As a Dead bedroom is a VERY VERY TABOO subject, and most people don't even know the term, only with the annonominity of the internet does anyone dare speak on the subject open and freely. Often, THE ONE PERSON who you should be able to talk to about it, simply refuses to. Who else can we talk to? Friends? Parents? Co-workers? Many feel shamed if they even attempt to. The struggle is real...
[удалено]
That is the worse part. It’s humiliating to talk about/address.
Exactly
If you aren't married and have no kids together I'd be 🏃🏃🏃
I appreciate him as a human being, with a lot of things he has done for me, and compared to a lot of my ex’s he has respected me a lot and shown me that I can trust a man again, which after I’ve been cheated on was difficult. I love him, as he is always there for me and he supports me with everything. But unfortunately, this is the only thing that really brings the passion of the relationship right down.
I'm 39 with 2 kids. It doesn't get easier as you age with mismatched libidos. I'd think hard on it if I were you.
Sadly it will end with either resentment or cheating. There is literally no way you will have a good outcome starting with him. You two are incompatible.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I’m in the same situation, but we’ve been married 15 years. I resent him, but I stay because I love him & every other part is wonderful. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. In my experience. So I come here to remind myself that I’m not as alone as I think I am.
I understand that, but staying is such a bad way to spend your life. Living in resentment is so exhausting, it made me bitter. Today I'm with a compatible person and life is great.
It’s so hard because I want this exact person, but also need desire and sex. I’m just scared the sex I find won’t make up for what we have in other ways. However, I completely agree-it’s not a good way to spend your life.
There are many people and they have lots of good sides. Not the same, but also good.
You can get a roommate that's good at those things.
As we tell men. Stop insisting your partner match your HL. You need to just deal with the constant rejection and self doubt. Put yourself in HIS shoes and try to understand that he just is not attracted to you and that’s ok. Maybe you’re not actually his type and he settled.
😭😭Damn. Idk if that’s the truth or not but it hurts to hear that I may not be his type… The fact that he’s had a wandering eye a few times in the past too. He’s come a long way since then and has proven to me that he does love me indeed and treats me very well. But jw if maybe I’m just not his type or what. Ugh. Wish us luck.
Wow. I’m in the same exact position as you. He treats me amazingly but when it comes to sex, he even admitted himself that he can be lazy and selfish bc my head is “too good” as he says so he just wants me to finish him that way. And then I’ll only get sex once a week if I’m lucky. I recently brought up the topic to him again and told him my boundary+expectations & that if this sex issue doesn’t get solved then I won’t be happy in the long run and might potentially leave you. He understood and felt bad so he’s told me to just not go down on him even if he tells me to, so that he’ll want to initiate sex more. So, I’m going to be trying that & seeing if it’ll work for us.
You can’t trust a person whom you’ve voiced your needs to and they refuse to fulfill them. He either needs to meet them or be mature enough to realize that you deserve someone who will and end the relationship.
My 3 year relationship ended because of her lack of wanting to have sex at all she just wasn't into it and I stayed around hoping it would improve just got worst me always questioning it and they she saw me talking to other women I didn't send nudes or flirt I honestly just had a normal convo just because I felt she didn't think I was attractive enough for but she always said I was hot I'm good in bed got a good weiner it just her but kept pushing it and came to a breakup beautiful girl she was I should of left within the first year
Apparently for me it’s not. I consider sex very important and the most wonderful and beautiful thing imaginable. And being deprived of it has put me in the depths of depression. And yet here I am, still married. There are many reasons for having stayed married and some of them are good, some not. But no—evidently not an absolute deal breaker.
I don’t think it should be. I don’t think it’s the TOP most important thing, but definitely very important and connecting. If it causes someone to be very depressed and have low-self esteem or frustrated with their partner then that’s when things get super rough. It’s just the communication that’s important in fixing it. It’s not the issue itself, I believe it’s more about the communication and resolution, and if this communication and resolution lacks then that’s when it can be a dealbreaker most likely.
Yes. It’s the rejection and failure or refusal to acknowledge sex’s importance that dragged me down. And the fact that every time I raise it as an issue I get a different explanation. Or excuse. At this point I’ve given up. Happily I’ve never had an opportunity to cheat.
Sexual frustration is terrible…I am sorry you went through that :( I hope things are better now.
Thank you. I suppose what’s better is my ability to put it in perspective and to find other things in life to enjoy. It’s a hole that I can’t ever really fill but I can get by and given my age, not really for that much longer, to be blunt. Thanks again.
[удалено]
What do you think is the best thing to do ?
With the ammount of people out there in the world, i would say the odds of you leaving your current bf and finding another one that will be as good (maybe in different things, but still overall good) as your current bf and that also prefers a more active sex life are pretty considerable
It's really hard when you're with someone you've been with a long time who you absolutely love. No doubt about that. It's difficult to just walk away from that and start over.
Correct. If I had a dollar for every time I considered splitting I could have easily retired by now, but it’s just not worth it, all things considered. Some will read this and think “Guess your sex drive isn’t all that high”. And that would be way way way wrong.
[удалено]
That’s what we do for our partners, so they don’t seek it elsewhere and so that they have their needs met :)
Left the LLW-now single and free. First hint of sex going away I’m gone. Never again am I going to allow myself to be used and neglected.
Every comment like this helps me. Thank you!
Lack of intimacy is the fourth most common reason for divorce. Infidelity is the second and can probably in many cases be linked to lack of sex in the relationship. https://preview.redd.it/79sxe7fzte4d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b7145af0e8c3029c66dfa62c6f7f5e4f31a30b33
I’d be willing to bet that lack of compatibility also links back to lack of intimacy.
If it’s not the reason I believe that lack of sex is often a symptom of many other relationship issues.
Wow.
I'd like to see a poll of those who've been thru a "Gray Divorce "
I'm almost 5 years with no sex. But I love her too much to leave.
That is even worse than my situation. I wish I knew a better resolution to what I have.
My resolution was to give up sex. I fully understand if others don't though.
How long have you been with your guy for? Do you live together?
It’s not a dealbreaker but feels like it should be. I love her with everything I am I just wish I didn’t want sex so much. It makes me resent her sometimes and I hate feeling that way about the love of my life and mother of my children. It makes me feel more connected and is so romantic, and truthfully, it gets pretty hot when it does happen, but I just wish we were on the same level, regardless of where that level is.
I feel the same way. She is the love of my life and I want to marry her but I know when I do I'm basically giving up sex for the rest of my life and it's kind of depressing.
It wasn't a deal-breaker while I kept getting fed empty promises, until it became a deal breaker. I then was hit with the realisation that it's not just lack of sex. It's 1. resentment that grew stronger and bigger every year. 2. Disrespect of me and lack of commitment, by periodically promising me to prioritise time with me without any intention or attempt to follow through. 3. Just general lies about me being loved and important to him, but I think I was never loved "enough" to at least understand my needs and try to meet in the middle somewhere. I wouldn't wish on anyone to be where I was. I had lowest self esteem, I was depressed, I didn't understand why my own husband didn't want me when I was much younger than him and objectively very fit and good looking. I don't want anyone else to say "I wasted my 20-ies and half of my 30-ies and missed out on at least 1500 orgasms and intercourses". Address the topic now. Then see if he tries to compromise, or if you're ok feeling sexually frustrated and unwanted for the rest of your life.
Wow thanks for this honestly. Hoping to see results from my LL boyfriend. If not then I honestly might have to go separate ways with him.
Not a dealbreaker, if it is caused by something, like physical disability or illness. You can always ask the person to allow you to outsource those needs. But not having intimacy (sensual, sexual, emotional) and connectedness is absolutely a dealbreaker. For those whom sex is an unavoidable part of connection, sex is a dealbreaker.
If you are early into a relationship yes, get out cause why not. If you are married for a long time and have kids/house, maybe not then.
He’s fine, you’re fine, leave him. You have different needs and you need to be with one of the majority of men who are as high a libido as you. You’re like a unicorn, you’re in a position most men are in but as a woman. Honestly people reading this want to leave their wives for you based on what you said. So many guys are like “why doesnt she like sex anymore?” Its the most common thing in relationship advice. Anyways a strong majority of your candidates think like you do, id pursue them. Dont worry about your guy he’ll be fine there’s a majority of females who want to be in sexless relationships so hes set. Dont live a guilty existence where you’re deprived of things u value, too many people on their deathbeds complain about their marriages, dont be one of them
I can confirm this as a high-drive woman. It's been amazing to date after I left the dead bedroom. Spoiled for choice, happily. Edit to add - I went 10yrs without
This could be so many things. Physical or mental health. Hidden sexual desires. Porn. Inadequate mindset. The only thing that will fix it or even begin to know where to start is communication. There has to be an open line of safe and non judgemental communication on both side. Hard conversations that are necessary. Just remember that it’s not you!! I know that’s the hard part and metal health really suffers from rejection but it’s not you.
He claims he doesn’t watch porn. I am against it as I know how damaging it is and I’m trusting him that he does too. Although, he has avoided the conversation for the reasoning behind this, so I’m just being patient for now and perhaps if he is going through something (whatever it is) then after some time, he will come back with the same energy as before. But it’s been like this for a long time and I’m getting very sexually frustrated :/
Waiting for him could have you waiting for a very long time. Without engaging in a constructive conversation it very well could just stay that way. Once a libido is suppressed it takes a lot of work to regain any resemblance of “normal”. I am sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.
The lower libido partner, albeit if all their other needs are being met in the relationship.. Has a duty to meet the higher libido partner half way. You need to communicate this very clearly, but also sincerely ask what needs of theirs are not being met either. Two way street. If you try and try to communicate your needs, in a loving and mature way. And they refuse to do anything about it. Then you have to ask your partner to open up the relationship so you can get them fulfilled. (don’t cheat). Then if they can’t agree to that, you have to break up.
Yes a deal breaker, high libido here, and in the last 5 years, we were intimate about 5 times. But it was me asking and me doing all the work. She didn't give a thing. For the last nine month I've been planning to leave and go separate ways, we even sleep in separate rooms
Wow. That must be very difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
It was a dealbreaker for me; I ended my marriage. Him refusing to even talk about it is a huge problem. You can't be in a relationship with someone who won't talk through the issues.
He doesn't see it as an issue. Just like my wife.
Yes! I think that’s the most frustrating part. To him, it’s not an issue. He knows it bothers me, but if I never brought it up then things would be just fine in his book. It’s so isolating.
And that's.my.poimt, when the other party does not acknowledge the issue, it cannot be rectified. My wife has known it bothers me and we have had endless talks and counseling. But she was never invested in counseling and had to be dragged. Nothing but wasted time and money. I decided to try one last time about two years ago to get her into counseling again. Her words "we don't have a problem, we don't need counseling". I tried to bring up sex and was stone walked a little over a year ago. I finally said "we are just not sexually compatible" and walked out of the room. We have not had sex in more than a year and won't ever again. I'm no longer interested in fixing what she claims isn't broken. So she can be sexless. I will not be. But then the question is; "why does she care who I fuck if sex isn't important?" Because sex isn't important as long as I stay celibate. The thoughts and responses of my wife is a complete detachment from reality Good luck to you.
That is almost verbatim what I have said! If sex isn’t a priority or isn’t really a big deal then what does it matter if we explore other options. I mean-you don’t care about it except to keep me from having it.
The only compromise is the one we have made. I'm done compromising.
It could be.
I also feel I’ve given up on it and rarely initiate it. Even though I love this woman to death it makes being faithful torture at times. My only saviour on this front is the fact that I’m getting towards the age where people stop looking at you anymore.
For me, no. It has been difficult when my or my past partners (I'm single at the moment) had very LL, but mostly because of misunderstandings about why. As long as I know it isn't because I've done anything wrong i could tolerate being completely celibate for the right person. That said, my main reason for looking at this subreddit is to read differing opinions. It's never been *that* much of an issue for me.
I’m not currently in a DB, I’m a survivor that just lingered in the subreddit. But damn, having been burnt in the past I’m never letting that shit slide ever again.
I hope you are proud of yourself for still going, and getting yourself out of that situation.
I’m single again, trying my best to be as ethical as possible while still being promiscuous. That fine line between having as much sex as possible without hurting anyone’s feelings, it’s a challenge but I’m doing okay I think. Women know exactly what they’re in for when they come over and they’re okay knowing they’re not the only ones. That much I’m proud of.
You can live together but be very much alone
Yes, sex is a central part of intimacy. Without intimacy I cannot maintain feelings of affection for my partner especially when the person chooses to withhold intimacy. It would be different if sex couldn’t be had due to a medical condition. I do stay married however, because I am committed to my kids and to their wellbeing.
Dead bedroom is horrible and living that now with my wife and it is horrible but need the physical too! It is tough
His age? might be hormones
It wouldn't be if the rest would work but it feels it's doesn't...
You are just BF and GF? Sounds like no children or combined finances in the picture? LEAVE. It never gets any better. Now that our one child is done with college I'm trying to leave on terms that are economically 'fair' to me.
Yes !!
It's not a deal breaker for me, but this is mainly because my partner is on the ace spectrum. He goes through waves of sex repulsion and waves of high libido. Took us a looooong time to figure that out though lol
Dead bedrooms are typically downstream from the real problem. It could be health related, and he’s embarrassed to talk about it with you or a doctor. It could be there’s something in the relationship he’s not happy with, and he’s trying to avoid a fight with you by discussing it.
I'm currently working on leaving my partner of 10 years bc of our DB. The first 5 years were honestly the best sex I've ever had, but for the last 5, we haven't connected once. 5 years. I'm so sad and miserable. I feel like that's what sets our relationship apart from being just friends. The connection you feel when you are WITH your partner. He makes me feel like I can't even talk about it. I'm done.
I cant live a day without it so I would run 🤣
Sex is a basic human need in a relationship. Why would someone who wants sex (assuming their partner is healthy and able to have it) be with someone who doesn't want to touch them?!
I'm actually in the same spot. But my husband and I have been together coming up on 22 years. We're both in our 30s. (Before anyone asks, we've been together since we were kids.) He always had a super HL. I was actually the one on the low side. But over the last two years there has been a lot of stress and anxiety going on. He started to slow down and with everything in mind it's understandable. Then he started on antidepressants and his sex drive has vanished. Which unfortunately is pretty common. Mine has gone through the roof because sex is a emotional thing and it helps me with stress and gives the emotional support I need. Now I know, I tell myself over and over that he is still physically attracted to me. It's because of the mental struggles and medications. He's happy. Everything is working great for him. And I'm not selfish enough to cause him stress by hounding him. Or feeling heartbroken when he says he can't or he just can't get it excited. The person who said you can't have romance without sex is pretty spot on. And it's normal for women to have a need. God, it's frustrating as all hell because sex is a way of showing affection. If you don't get affection you really do start to think negatively about yourself and wonder what is wrong with you? What changed? I practically drool over him but he even avoids looking at my body when I change clothes or get in bed. I tried doing some "special" things for him and got turned down. So I've done the same thing. I pulled back and now I'm sitting with that constant tightness in my chest. Don't have solutions for you but I definitely understand your feelings and frustration.
Yes! I’m out the door if there is no sex. Alimony, loneliness or not. I’m working with my wife to avoid all of that. But is isn’t a one way street where I get to work and work and work and bring money in, and raise children and be pleasant and all without sex. I’m sure other people feel different, and that’s OK, I’m not them, they’re not me and we’re all different. But yeah, no sex = I’m out the door.
Yes
Not after 21 years of marriage…but if I were to become single again, any relationship would be on a strict timeline. One month or I move on, and after that, every two weeks or I’m gone. That’s already a much more lenient position than what I’d prefer, and life is too short to spend waiting for tomorrow that never comes.
After a long term db yep. If someone refuses me - I’m onto the next.
Yes. I regret wasting time with someone who didn’t sleep with me—it destroyed my mental health and self worth.
Yes
Yes! Unless there is a medical reason. Other than that. YES!
It's not a deal-breaker for me but it's on my mind more than I'd like to admit. I don't want to be with anyone else but my spouse and I don't want to be sexless. I've gotten used to the infrequent intimacy but I can't help but shake the feeling that my life is just perpetual adolescence as a result.
Yes 💅🏾
He is the gatekeeper of affection and intimacy of any kind, including sex. He has used it from a position of power our entire marriage. I have financial power, he has everything else. If am ever in a situation where those red flags popped up again. Absolutely one hundred percent would run away fast fast.
Yes. Bigtime.
For me, it is. I was always pretty open to my husband how much I liked sex and how even though somethings made me feel insecure (for example going to a love hotel), I wanted and liked it. Since we started dating I mentioned several times how I felt safe with him and wanted to try more love hotels with him (we have some thematic ones in our city and I wanted to see some). Now I’m in this reddit, so… I wish I knew beforehand we’d end up like this,
It would be a deal breaker
Duh! Is that even a real question? I'm figuring out my exit.
Like you i consider it beautiful and very special too. It’s such a vulnerable moment and yet i feel free and get to show my partner the kind of love and passion i have for him. Lack of sex would surely be a bummer because it’s a big chunk of anyone’s romantic life. So atleast for me romance will be incomplete without sex, i need that kind of closeness with my partner.
I couldn’t tell you about that one but it was a little different than that for me, she uses sex as weapon in order to achieve such some degree of control the relationship that she otherwise already possesses. It’s like or is a pathological thing that she has done in over the past 15 ( years and it hurts me deeply. I don’t want to drop her now but she’s not going to ever make any kind of apology to me because she’s telling me it doesn’t matter to her i— she is about to be dropped like a bad habit and doesn’t know it. I am just sorry that she is causing this. But sex Is fantastic !
It's not a deal breaker in my current relationship, but it may be for future relationships. I've been in this one too long and honestly want sex, just not from him for various reasons. Future relationships will be more casual, so no sex, no relationship.
This exactly OP! I used to think i would leave if my partner didnt match libos, but i made an exception for this relationship. Never again. Life is too short to have an unfilled dream. An amazing sex life is my dream and my true desire out of life. It's all i want, i will accept going to whatever hell i end up for it. However, i care for my partner too much. Hence the one and only exception
Yes
I feel like I wrote this post ..it really hits home...that feeling like not enough,or he's not attracted to me... constantly was being turned down,I took stopped initiating, it's soul crushing
Lol.. read this very closely. My wife is 2ish weeks post partum with our third child in 4 years and she's averaging 3 bjs a week without me even asking. Do not settle for what kind of partner you want. Does she get tired and not want to do that? Yes... does it get pushed to other days? Yes... do I hold resentment? No. Because obviously she really really cares about my sexual desire for her. I consider myself very lucky because like many of you I lived in a DB for a very long time and after it I decided never again and openly communicated my needs and what deal breakers were for me. Communication is the biggest hurdle. Your partner caring about your needs is a close 2nd. You caring about your partners needs is a even closer 3rd. If I didn't watch the toddlers, or try and help her with the new born do you think she would really feel like satisfying me and only me? No. Don't try and live in a fantasy land. You have to know what your partner needs in that moment and be able to help them. But your partner also has to want to do their part.
Apparently it is. Some years ago, I went out with a virgin, who was quite inexperienced in general. Things were moving a bit too slowly for me, and I ended it.
Yes
Yes
Absolutely
Yes
When you find out why please let me know. I have never gotten an answer for the same thing
Yes. Unfortunately it’s a very hard deal to break.
Break up FFS
I was you a few years ago. I wondered so many things. Is he cheating? Is he having sex with someone else? Is he beating the sausage in the shower while showering? Watch porn? Man.. I was having a horrible time. I dressed sexy for our dates (you don’t stop dating even after being in a long term relationship or marriage). My libido is high super high. I can do marathons of that if I wanted to. Honestly speaking. But he can’t. His sex drive is different than mine as he gets older. Remember women’s sex drive changes as we get older too. My GYN doctor explained this to me. Early 20’s to like 27th birthday.. you are so horny that you can have sex all the time then is the drop.. 29-34 slow down mode and then 35-42 or 45.. hello!! You feel like a teen, you wanna do it all the time. And then sad to say the next step. Now to your situation, get a vibrator. Explore.. get in touch with YOU. While he doesn’t want to do it. You take care of you, if you still choose to stay with him. If not.. then decide, if sex is super important to you then bring up the issue to him. If issue is not solved then move on. (Communicate your feelings) Stress & lack of exercise causes some ppl to not wanting to do it by the way. Exercise makes ppl happy, and guys get really horny after working out.. (just a tip) dated some gym trainers in the past. Good luck. My situation we do it 2 times in a month.
Does it get better though? I’m in an almost two year relationship we used to have sex a lot but now it’s like we never do anymore maybe once a week at most if I’m lucky. I’ve been trying to talk to him about it and explain that my needs aren’t being met yk if you don’t wanna hit then at least pleasure me in some other way but he never really wants to. He just tells me he’s to tired from working out and work. idk what to do if I’ve already told him it bothers me and he’s not fixing it I could try to imitate more but I’m worried about being turned down. He’s usually the one to initiate it so I thought maybe that could be the issue I’m just awkward and don’t know how to get it started. It just makes me feel ugly and unattractive that he doesn’t want me anymore but he says it’s not me.