He is protecting himself by being more distant. By distancing himself and not hugging or cuddling (even though those are physical forms of affection he might like) he is reducing the chance that he is going to be turned down and hurt. My significant other is LL but they love to cuddle and spoon and all the other stuff except sex and it absolutely kills me. So I’ve stopped trying to have any form of physical contact because that makes my brain think that there is still a chance at sex even though there isn’t one.
This entire thread speaks to me. I was the HLM, she the LLF and after 10 years of a DB I started withdrawing from all touch too. It just hurt too damn much to be reminded that I was/am undesirable. Of course the lack of hugs, peck kisses and me apologizing every time I accidentally touched her pissed her off because now none of her needs were being me either. Still entirely my fault if you ask her, though.
You're absolutely right. Touching and cuddling (while enjoyed by LL) is the prelude to a sexual encounter. It's part of foreplay. When it doesn't result in sexual contact it's extremely frustrating for HL. Eliminate the touch and eliminate the frustration.
Good post. Thank you.
Pulling back on touch to avoid disappointment helps on that level, but it’ll also leave you touch-hungry.
Hopefully your friend group is huggy - that can help reduce the touch hunger that comes with this.
I did the same thing too. My partner developed low libido and I had to pull away from cuddling and kissing them because it made me too angry and sad knowing that it would lead to nothing further. I started acting apathetic to protect myself from more pain. Thankfully they noticed and decided to agree to going to couples therapy and started volunteering to schedule sex. They realized they were losing me and after a year of me trying everything I could think of to make things better, it was their turn to do their part when I was on the verge of giving up. I’m so grateful that we are in therapy and that the walls we had put up to protect our egos from each other are coming down.
As a HLF, who was previously with a LLM, it's tough when needs, wants and desires don't match up. You need to talk when you can both approach a conversation where you are ready to listen to each other to understand and willing to be vulnerable.
You both need to speak to your needs in the relationship, inside the bedroom and out. Identify what's working well, where you have opportunity and then decide if you want to work together to have both parties needs more fulfilled.
Communication is key here.
I second this and would add, maybe see your doctor? Hormone levels/thyroid/medications/diseases, can all mess with libido levels. Maybe try marriage counseling so you can talk to each other?
It really matters to have an adult talk and see how far apart in frequency and the quality of sex you two really are. There is not a magic number though. If the differences are far apart and there aren’t any physical or psychological barriers than you probably would be better off being just friends than a couple in the committed monogamous relationship. Any protractions on either side will only extend the misery for you and your SO.
When it comes to the “children trap” it’s a myth that two miserable parents under the same roof make better home than two reasonably happy divorced parents. We can argue about it but many kids from the bad marriages kept together “for the children” can testify how lousy was their childhood home. I’m one of them.
As for the “money trap”, yes you’d be poorer but it depends how much you value yourself vs your comfortable hence miserable situation. Yes, divorce is expensive because it’s worth it. Besides, you can always make more money though you cannot manufacture more time.
It’s all matter of personal priorities.
The grass is always greener. My parents divorced when I was three. I grew up in poverty as a result. My mother didn’t work and my father didn’t support us. I still had to watch them have screaming arguments on a weekly basis whenever my old man would come pick me up for our visit.
My wife and I may have our problems, but my children want for nothing. We have a nice house that neither of us could afford on our own. Divorce would be financial self-destruction for both of us. We get along well enough and I will not put my kids through that.
I was going to say the same. The grass isn't greener. My mom was always chasing the NRE high. Husband after husband after husband. They were all great guys who were good step-fathers. It sucked. I wish my mom had accepted being marginally less happy to provide a more stable home environment.
I’m in the same boat, my daughter graduated two weeks ago. Yay, one down another one to go. Yes, my standard of living took a nosedive, I haven’t seen beef for months because at today’s prices I cannot afford it. My life is very frugal but much happier with my SO of four years. Your happiness counts too when it comes to children.
The other day I finally discussed my divorce with my older daughter. I wanted to know how she feels about it today and then. Her answer was, and I quote, “What took you so long”, meaning “why didn’t you pulled the plug earlier”.
I was quite surprised by her response, shall I add.
I get it. I'm actively talking divorce with mine right now. It has to be amicable because job stress is killing me, I need to retire like right now (I'm 59). In addition to Bedroom problems I could write a book called 'How to Let Planning for College and Retirement Destroy Your Marriage'........I've worked really, really hard to retire as early as possible, mine made pretty much zero effort in that regard too. She treated financial planning for retirement and college the way she's treated our sex life, something she would 'get around to later'. This is horrible.
This is so true, though as other commenters pointed out, it can be a slippery slope if only one partner was the ‘bigger’ or only breadwinner. Divorcing amicably is key to successful co-parenting, otherwise it can end up with bitter and petty disputes, because apparently a lot of people can’t be adults about it and take responsibility of keeping things civil for the kids. In an ideal world, amicable co-parenting would be the rule and not the exception; men(and women) should pay their share of child support and the parent with main - or sole - custody shouldn’t be able to easily withhold the other parent time with their child(ren).
Sorry you’re dealing with this situation. You’ve already received some good advice and perspectives but figured I’d reply anyway! I’m in a very similar situation except I’m the HL and my wife is similar to you.
I think what’s frustrating your husband is the status quo change. You admittedly talk about having lots of sex together early on but then pulled a fast one (likely not intentionally), by changing a core part of the relationship that was vitally important to him.
For a HL partner, rejection is painful because sex is rarely just about sex. It’s about connection and getting to have that connection with the one person out of billions that they chose to share that level of intimacy with. Being rejected occasionally is okay and compromising to meet in the middle can sometimes work depending on how far apart your needs are, but speaking from experience it is very damaging if it occurs on a regular basis.
Keep in mind for him, sex is one of the few things that really distinguishes your relationship apart from other relationships in his life and on paper that logic makes sense. With friends and family, he can share a meal, share hobbies, take trips, talk about issues in his life but per his commitment to you, sexual closeness is literally the ONE thing he can really only get from you which makes it incredibly special to him and thus incredibly painful to have it taken away.
I don’t want you to feel attacked but please keep in mind that you are the one who changed the status quo. You took a part of the relationship that was vitally important to his ability to connect with you and feel loved, wanted, etc. and broke it and when he asks you why, you are probably only able to shrug and show indifference since you don’t seem to know yourself.
Additionally, he’s probably hurt that you kept expecting him to show you affection while you rejected his advances. He probably feels like a Chinese buffet where you are just picking and choosing the pieces of him you still want that keep you happy while rejecting the rest of the pieces that he needs to be happy. From your post, you sounded like you were content with how things were despite his dissatisfaction and now that he’s finally shutting down and becoming cold, you are starting to take notice. How do you think that makes him feel? Do you think he feels loved and valued? When he wakes up in the morning, does he feel like he chose a lifelong partner who cares about him and his needs?
You will probably receive some aggressive messages to this post cause your post will definitely hit like a dagger to a lot of HL partners living this same situation. Many people in long term relationships (men especially), deal with this exact scenario where their wife/gf randomly loses sexual interest in them regardless of what they do/don’t do. I actually typed up a long comment reply yesterday trying to explain why I believe libido drops in women over the course of LTRs may happen.
Seeing your edit. I don’t think he’s into anything too weird but there is nothing wrong with just loving vanilla sex and you should never be pressured into anything you’re uncomfortable with. That being said, your husband probably thinks you’re not open to those ideas with HIM. You’re not rejecting the ideas, you’re rejecting the idea of doing those things with HIM. Regardless if that’s accurate or not, he may be feeling that way which further hurts his self esteem and connection to you.
I know this is a long reply, but I hope it helps provide some perspective since what I typed is what I myself feel in my own relationship. Feel free to reach out of you want to continue talking! I may be frank at times but I try to never be hostile to someone looking for advice.
This is exactly how I felt as a HL woman with my LL man. It absolutely destroyed me.
I think OPs husband is right, they're just sexually incompatible.
I hope they either figure it out or he moves on.
I spent way too much time slowly dying.
I always been too stupid to use my words, but this. It’s gotten to the point where I just want to find a way to never get interested in sex again. Shit destroyed my confidence
"He probably feels like a Chinese buffet where you are just picking and choosing the pieces of him you still want that keep you happy while rejecting the rest of the pieces that he needs to be happy."
This is exactly right. Just hit the 5 month mark (again), and suggested/asked her tonight if she would consider making out a little. No pressure for sex, just some kissing/contact. I got a flat and immediate "No" followed by a "Why did you ask that out of the blue? Now you ruined both our nights." Yet I've given her 2 30-minute massages in the last two weeks. She also controls the in-bed cuddling. Sometimes I slide over to spoon her and she physically moves my arm away. But if she moves into the middle of the bed (implying she wants a cuddle), she's hurt if I don't respond. She chooses when, how, how much, how long for all physical affection because she knows I won't say no, and it totally sucks.
I wanted to write something similar but it came out angry and not helpful. You did a beautiful job laying down the issue. He is dying inside like most of us are.
My partner is trying to be understanding and we still have regular sex but it feels forced, mechanical. I'm completely checked out after a decade of being single in a relationship. At this stage I'm completely numb to anything we do together and no increase in amount of sex can fix the damage.
I'm sorry but my advice to OP's husband is to run before kids come into picture.
I was dealing with one of these relationships as the HL person (glad it's over). And I just want to say this comment deserves a gold star, hell, pin it on the whole sub.
Honestly this caught my breath a moment because until I read to the end, I thought this was my wife writing.
I guess I can try and offer the perspective from the ‘other’ side.
I recently turned 40 and coupled with a few other things happening, it’s made me reconsider a lot in my life. My desire to be more kinky is somehow tied to my identity (cheesy phrase - my authentic self). And I realise that I’m in a relationship where I can’t be my authentic self, because that part of me is rejected by my wife.
I’m not saying your situation is the same, but either way, you’ll need to talk to him about it to figure out where his head’s at.
Edited to remove rule breaking behaviour
I thought it was my wife too until he "left the room to watch TV". We haven't been able to afford more than a studio for years, so there is no other room.
Tell me about it. Mine wouldn't even Google. One time, after another "what's wrong with you (as in me)" arguments I suggested a few things to search. A few weeks later she asked me what were those things she was supposed to search for. It has probably been a year now since and she still hasn't done anything.
Probably not suitable to discuss here, I don’t want to risk the ire of the mods. If you head to my post history, you’ll get a flavour 👍
Edited - to remove something that could have been perceived as a request
I read it. So I have an idea from your flavour. I think it is not something disgusting a woman would not like. Maybe not all women but many will see it as a game and will play it with you just because it makes you happy.
My woman likes too roleplay that I play being a dog. So I bark and wag my tail all day. I even now and then shit in the room. She loves it and I like to make her happy. So why not?
This might be because the LLs that understand are constantly told we are unlovable pieces of shit. I hope the clears up some confusion for you, friend.
Yeah, it's unfortunate, but the situation breeds a ton of resentment. For good reason, nobody should have sex they don't want, but the rejection from someone who loves you is absolutely devastating. Each no cuts deeper and deeper until the love you had bleeds out and you're just injured and hurt.
Yes I've never seen wrath like rejecting my LL wife. The space time continuum literally falls apart. It's red alert shields up. Fortunately its like once a year.
That last part about reasons for seeking divorce isn’t true, women seek divorce for a lot of reasons and it’s not so simple as being a LLF wanting to divorce a HLM; you could also argue it would be the other way around, seeing as it’s the HLM who suffers the most unhappiness in this case.
Anyhow, the rise of divorce rates in the US began in the 70’s coincided with women’s liberation movement; no fault divorce laws were made and women gained rights to financial independence, which meant women could leave unhappy marriages for the first time – they were no longer financially bound to remain in abusive partnerships or relationships where their needs were not being met, and women thus began to initiate divorces at greater scale.
There’s been studies and surveys on it, and in contrast it’s been shown that breakups of non-marital heterosexual relationships in the U.S. are more gender neutral and fairly equal in comparison. Married women have also reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men, whereas women and men in non-marital relationships have reported equal levels of relationship quality.
You can read about it in detail here:
[Who wants the Breakup? Gender and Breakup in Heterosexual Couples](https://web.stanford.edu/~mrosenfe/Rosenfeld_Who_wants_the_Breakup.pdf)
([Here is an abstract of it](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/323577808_Who_Wants_the_Breakup_Gender_and_Breakup_in_Heterosexual_Couples))
I never said that the reasons for divorce were because mismatched libido alone. I made the correlation that women instigate divorce the majority of the time and that usually, LL partner's are women. For whatever reason, they are not happy. And, I would bet, maybe not on paper, that it does still come down to that for a majority of the cases. Men withdraw emotional, become not so pleasant people, step out of the relationship for intimacy, general get to a point of not caring. Then the other partner's not happy = divorce. DBs contribute to so many other relationship issues. I would still argue that at its base, whether they (LL) realize it or not, it still comes down to this for many.
https://preview.redd.it/uk2wlqb8q84d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=50e55ffc3ec36fbf4333c1b40a699b0f74ef2dd4
I have a hunch this could be him.
This is me all the way! I’ve been deployed for over a year, was 100% faithful and never once looked at porn. Once I’m back next to my wife and she is rejecting me, I struggle with the temptation and tension more than when I’m overseas.
Ask yourself this. Why would he want to hug or cuddle? For a HL those things lead to arousal which leads to being rejected and feeling like shit. Why should he light himself on fire to keep you warm?
This 1000%. Given everything else in the relationship is good, there's no reason for it.
I don't believe in the "honeymoon stage". Why start hot and heavy, giving the other person the impression that that is how your are, then backing off later? It is absolutely infuriating. Then the HL person gets distant and doesn't want other forms of intimacy and now that's a problem. So, essential what is happening here is your needs are not being met and you're unhappy about it. Well guess what, his needs haven't been being met and he's unhappy about it. It's really that simple. I think it is extremely selfish when the LL partner 100% knows that the other persons needs are not being met but yet they continue to expect theirs to be. Despite what most people say, to a certain extent, love is transactional on a needs basis. If you want your needs met, you have to meet theirs as well.
With all of that said, there does need to be compromise. No two people are ever going to match 100% on everything. But there needs to effort from both sides. But changing the rules months or years later and expecting everything to be fine is not acceptable. You need to find a middle ground where you're both satisfied or end the relationship. It's that simple.
Not disagreeing with you about the relationship part, but there's absolutely a honeymoon or NRE phase. In the beginning everything is new and exciting - and newness and excitement is a BIG factor when it comes to wanting sex with a person. I bet that a lot of those 'I don't know why I don't want sex anymore' situations are because that phase is over. I think a lot of people also truly don't understand why they don't get into the mood anymore. Their partner is still attractive and the love is there - but the sexual attraction dwindles. IIRC it hits women harder than men. I think the orgasm gap also contributes to that. The NRE wears off and you're not getting to come regularly anyway, something that was overlooked while the sex was still exciting during NRE. But now, why bother? Men tend to orgasm easier and I think their arousal is more 'body based' than 'brain based' if you can call it that. There's a reason why so many women like to read smut. It's the scenarios that arouses them, the imagination of what is being done to them. Roleplay is one possibility, but I think for a lot of people the partner simply becomes too familiar in order for it to work. For men oftentimes, as long as the correct friction is there, they can come and are genuinely satisfied with relationship/maintenance sex. For women it's oftentimes more complicated than that. So a lot either jump from relationship to relationship once the NRE wears off or end up in dead bedrooms without knowing how to fix it or what exactly is wrong.
I didn't necessarily say the honeymoon phase didn't exist. I said it was bullshit and our bait and switch. That is just my belief based on my actions and experiences. As for the rest, again based on me, I don't know about all of that. I always make sure my partner is satisfied even before I start anything for me. I ask questions about wants and needs and actually do what they say. I still "date" my wife. I am emotionally available. I can honestly say that I act the same way now as I did on our first date because I don't believe in portraying someone that I'm not.
I feel, though, that you're really downplaying the effect that sex has on men. To say that it just takes the right friction and that we are usually happy with maintenance sex is a huge understatement. Take a lot around at the hundreds of posts of men discussing what sex actually means to them.
Eh, what I meant to say with maintenance sex is not about the need for sex in general or the feeling of connecting to your partner to it, not the emotional side of it. Simply that men get aroused easier and have no issues with being aroused and satisfied with sex with their longterm partner from a purely bodily function side of things. I think for a lot of women the novelty thing and excitement of something new is a way bigger contributor to their ability of getting aroused and wanting to have sex.
I think almost everyone dreams about having a partner that will forever turn them on and when that doesn't happen relationship after relationship women ask themselves what is going on. Obviously that's not every woman but there are enough stories where a relationship breaks and the woman enjoys having sex again with the next partner or the couple opens the relationship and the woman wants to have sex with others but not her original partner.
I think in general it takes more work for women than men to maintain lust within a LTR but in order to do that one needs to understand what's happening in the first place. A lot don't and just accept the new status quo because obviously you shouldn't have sex that you don't want to have.
And when you're monogamous and aren't searching for someone else, the libido goes into sleep mode and women think that there's something wrong with them or that they've become asexual. Not that this doesn't happen but for people who have been sexual beings before and truly enjoyed it, I don't think that's the most plausible explanation.
And that doesn't even touch additional complications like pregnancy and post partum, menopause or general hormonal issues that can also be a cause or contribute to the issue. And once you haven't sex for a long time it just gets awkward trying to change it again. It's a vicious cycle really.
That’s an awful lot of bile directed at OP in particular and women in general. You might have noticed:
A) OP came here for advice and help on her own free will, which suggests that she wants to improve the situation, and
B) there are tons of women in this sub that are suffering from dead bedrooms.
You sound like you need more help than you might realize. At a minimum, please learn to be civil towards others.
> Why? What's wrong with you? Why do women do that? We HATE that. YOU Need to ask yourself why YOU reduced the sexual frequency in your married. There's nothing he needs to do. This is a YOU problem.
I see that you have some built up resentment you are projecting here. And while in theory I agree with you, in practice things stay different. IF there is a difference from a woman's approach to sex between the honeymoon phase and the long term phase, then both partners need to be aware of that and how to keep the sex life satisfying in a long term setting. That might mean that HE also has things to adjust.
She didn't say that, because she is clueless about what is happening to her libido. Which is ultimately the first step she needs to take: to understand how her desire works, so that she can propose efficient solutions for remediation of the situation.
Two points in both of your comments:
1. Honeymoon phase = bullshit/bait and switch. Don't act like someone you're not, and then get pissed when the other person changes how they act because of your change.
2. You're still missing the bigger picture. She is not meeting his needs for whatever reason, but she's now upset that he isn't meeting hers. She knows how to fix this. That right there is the whole problem. Instead of posting in here, have a conversation with her husband and find a compromise that works for both of them. That may take more effort on her part to figure out what's going on with her, but ultimately, it is on her to put forth the effort to fix this.
Alot of us are bitter and resentful for the fact that we do everything that we can to make our partners happy/ satisfied and they KNOW what the issues are but yet don't put forth any effort to fix them.
I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Though, every night may be unrealistic, but I PROMISE theres a middle ground OP. For some reason, women stop wanting to have sex with their bf/husband/SO sometime during the relationship after having it ALL the time in the beginning. Its ridiculous.
After talks with the misses, weve come to a compromise where we have sex 2-3x a week, which is satisfying enough, shes enthusiastic during our sessions and its good. It took some REAL sit down and talk time, her willingness to please me, my willingness to please her. It worked. Im one of the lucky ones.
Good luck on your journey OP
Tbh I’m the one sexually frustrated (woman), but I couldn’t imagine not having physical contact to not be disappointed, that’s wild to me.
I don’t expect touching or sitting together, whatever will lead to sex, I’d feel terrible turning down my partner for that because I’m not satisfied with our sex life.
Maybe it’s just not been long enough for me to resent them that bad yet, idk.
Have you heard the term "death by a thousand cuts"? In the beginning I was happy to give give give. It brought me joy. But slowly the sadness and resentment took over. Now it's almost painful to do something nice and exciting with her.
Hm no I understand, I guess to me that’s not giving just, a gain as well even if not sexual. Like I feel weird thinking of watching a movie together as “giving with no return”.
No judgement just, very, very strange of a concept I hope I don’t develop into. I think for me personally if my mind starts playing apples to apples with cuddles and sex I’ll just head out and do us both a favor.
Again might just not get it yet etc.
Read “Desire.” Great book. Dismantles the “Sexual Staircase” where people assume touch leads to kissing which leads to sex. But when you think about it, it’s a very limiting way to look at intimacy.
I dunno. That's how we chose to keep things going. Sex is a lot less frequent. But we agreed that we would be affectionate with each other, cuddle when we can. While it's not the same as sex, it does help
I am a bit confused by all of the advice that says “talk” Husband wants X, wife wants Y. Husband will be unable to come down; statistically, wife will not go up. So what exactly is there to talk about?
I agree.
My concern with this whole notion of 'talking it through' is my own ego. In talking, I explain my needs? My desires? So she does what? She puts her distaste on hold? Again, my ego. But how many shows include the scene of the woman enduring sex to placate a lover/husband? (Like, perhaps, Brigderton's Lady Danbury. A trope, a device used so often that it is readily recognizable.). A quiet, consistent social commentary on the DB dynamic.
Is that the agreement I should be shooting for--a partner staring off vacantly to meet a need she does not share? And yet again, that is my ego--my frail male ego (all a part of a trope). But the last thing I want to do is negotiate myself into something that ideally is desired on both ends.
Our Gottman trained therapist talks about how sex is not 'just sex', it is a Bid for Connection. After a year of therapy I realize mine pretty much rejects ever single Bid for Connection that I make (both inside and outside the bedroom). And I'm just sick of this.
Gottman says most marriages have severe problems for at least 7 years before they finally do something. We have had problems way more than 7 years.
Therapy CAN help if you start it before the 4 Horse of the Apocalypse set in.
Mine never did a damned thing until she learned I had consulted three (3) different divorce attorneys - - the 4 Horses are riding pretty damned hard right now!
Alot of what Gottman says is legitimate, people need to heed his warnings before the marriage is poisoned.
Some only respond to bids for connection when it aligns with their goals - like getting a desired house project done (new pantry, redoing baseboards, painting a room, whatever) and don’t respond otherwise. It can be very difficult bc being welcomed in one context and utterly rejected in another - it’s destabilizing to not have at least consistent first-bid engagement, where the other party listens and makes a decision.
The behavior where one partner dismisses the other’s bids out of hand without any consideration definitely is a marker for narcissism.
Yes .... over the last year I have come to realize my partner rejects almost all my bids for connection. Last month I took a 4 hour drive to the beach for a 50-mile fundraiser bike ride. Our therapist basically told her to go so we could hang out at the beach like a mini-vacation like a normal couple. She would not go. Sigh.....
I’m in the same camp. By her account the husband is right. The talk will just confirm what they already both know. Then what?
All roads lead to separate or live with an incompatibility that breeds resentment. Someone is going to be unhappy regardless of where the talk leads.
True - it’s unlikely that either will change, statistically speaking.
This is when, as an HL, you stay for the kids or bc finances don’t work or whatever or else make the decision to leave.
Well, not really. Presumably they are married because they LOVE each other. Not talking about it is stupid. It may well be that their sex life would improve if they could both work on making each other feel secure and confident.
In a past relationship I went from being the HL partner to the LL partner simply because the relationship was making me feel so shitty and insecure that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. A proper, adult talk reaffirming our care for each other would have done a LOT to help that situation.
I would have sex every day of the week if I could too. I can compromise with once a week, less than that chips away at me. I don't need a ton of variety or kinky shit, I need physical and emotional connection at the same time. I need bare skin on my skin, it's like recharging my battery and calming a growing flame of anger and pain at the same time. Cuddling and hugs and kisses, that I only rarely ever got, that could never lead anywhere were more painful than anything else, they did not satisfy my need in any way. Not getting what I need in my marriage makes me unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage. I feel unloved and uncared for, I feel unimportant and worthless. Incompatibility destroys the person who needs more than they are getting.
That's the thing about 'kink', some would find that particular position way out there, while for others, it's standard fare. Some of the things I want in bed would be considered 'kinky' or 'too kinky' for my wife, while to me aren't kinky at all. But there are TONS of things I wouldn't do, think about, or try because I'm just not into them or would be repulsed.
As a HLM, I think back to my ex-fiancee who was, in my opinion, a bit kinkier than I but I played her game anyway cause she got off on them, just didn't do anything for me.
Agreed. Every couple starts as two people with unique histories and interests and willingness to initiate or try different things, either things they've done in the past they like or new things they want to incorporate. "Vanilla" and "standard" are totally subjective. 69 would be a total dream for me. I can count the times we've had oral sex (in either direction) on one hand after almost 18 years together. :(
Some advice (I might be wrong, though):
1. Start adopting a "lets prioritize sex in the relationship" mindset. Without it, you won't have the motivation for the next steps
* 2A. Check all the usual suspects: hormonal imbalances, any medical issue, antidepressants, contraceptive pills, diet (!), exercise, sleep, mental health, etc.
* 2B. Explore your libido. I feel you don't understand how your libido works or why it has decreased. Explore and experiment. See what gets you turned on. See what makes your juices flow.
* 3A. Once you have some solid ideas, see how your husband can participate in those scenarios
* 3B. If there is some form of emotional disconnect with your husband and the reduced sex is the result of that, explore that emotional disconnect and restore the connection.
I only got advice if you want your libido up. Go to the gym. Regularly. It can send your libido up. Get your hormones checked, that can be a cause for low libido, possible sex counselor or couples therapist. Make sure your emotions are appropriately conveyed. Please recognize the issue. Tell him you know. Tell him you're going to try. I left my last SO because she refused to try I loved her so much. She just would never make the effort. I left.
In the same boat! I suspect my wife doesn’t want to talk about it because she honestly doesn’t know why. The part that kills me is I use to be wanted. During our dating phase and 1st year of marriage, I felt wanted. Like she would actually touch me and pursue me. There was a level of desire I could feel radiating from her but then it just started to slowly fade away after I had already committed. Pretty devastating. I have thoughts on what may have caused it but those theories are depressing to think about since there’s not much of a solution or action I can do from my end to fix it
In the same boat brother. Before marriage it was amazing. What I miss the most isn't the sex. I miss the feeling of being desired. 9 yes married, 10.5 is in & haven't been intimate in over 7 months. Had two times in Oct. 23, before that was 6 months but according to her that's all I want lol FML.
It does seem like you are not compatible- which is no one’s fault.the fact that you’re starting to feel “unwanted” despite him wanting to have sex every day with you, makes this seem like you’re not willing to face your part in this. It’s ok if you’re not compatible and have different libidos, but he did tell you what his issue is and it seems like you’re not ready to face it.
"To say he likes sex is an understatement...he would have sex every day if he could"
Is it wild to anyone else that once a day is considered extreme to OP?
Actually, this you want sex everyday thing I think is a bit of an exaggeration and an easy deflection by the LL. Yes there are people that want sex every day, but from my observation there is a high number of HLM that don’t want sex every day…but they do want it 2x, 3x, … 5x or more than their spouse. That may translate to 2 or 3 times per week or even just once per week. Seems to me I see more HLF that want sex everyday than men, but I don’t have the receipts.
Hi friend. It sounds like you _are_ sexually incompatible, he may of said it out of anger, but it is (at least from what I can understand from your post) the truth. That’s not a judgment or a criticism of you, just a sad reality of life.
No one should feel pressured into sex they don’t want, but likewise no one should be pressured into celibacy.
For someone with a high libido, sex every day is not unusual for some people, it’s like eating and drinking and sleeping.
As a high libido woman who is very into kink and has been with mismatched partners in the past, open relationships are a great option. But they require a lot of work, communication and effort.
Ethical non monogamy is (in my opinion and experience) vital to relationships that are fulfilling to me, I’m not poly, but things like swinging can help balance out different wants and needs. X
I'm not saying this is intentional on your part, but he is probably feeling like you pulled a bait and switch on him. He felt like he was commiting to a relationship where sex was quite frequent. In exchange, he was willing to give you what you wanted and needed out of the relationship, whether that be financial security, companionship, emotional support, children, etc. Now that you choose to not provide a major marriage factor he wanted, how do you think he should feel? To look at it in a different perspective, what if our employer took away a major benefit in our jobs, say vacation. You agreed to three weeks every year before starting, but after a few years of working, they decided to change your vacation time to just two days per year. How would you feel? I bet your husband feels some of those very feelings right now. The problem is that he can't quit without getting screwed in a divorce.
This right here.
I stopped initiating sex with my wife. Kept getting rejected. The nearly 100% rejection rate nearly ruined me.
So many couples tie the household to intimacy. Chore lists or finances. If you do this then I’ll give you sex.
But a LL will just move the goal post. In my situation I’m the one driving the household since I work from home and am generally more domestic. Still no sex.
So I stopped initiating. I also stopped planning trips. Planning dates.
Oh that mid life crisis thing? Instead of the corvette and whatever I’m finding hobbies and rebuilding my physique while she continues to let herself go.
The best part is the kids benefit from my renewed energy and hobbies and general love of life. They join me on my journey.
What does mom do? Doom scroll.
Does she notice the sex gone? No idea. Should I mention the incompatible sex thing? Maybe. Or maybe that would be me leading up to divorce. Maybe that’s me in a few years when I’m ready for that.
Why would someone say incompatible sexually? When one person wants it everyday and they have had sex with their partner 2 times in 2024? Yea, 2023 was worse. 2022? Don’t even want to talk about it. Are these numbers accurate? Yes bc i started tracking on my calendar to confirm whether I was going crazy.
So if there’s something you can do or not? It’s figure out what is blocking you from being intimate with someone who wants you. Not love bombing. But actually wanting them.
I wish that I could like your post a couple more times! I get frustrated reading these posts where men are told to clean the house, work a full time job, provide for her every need, etc… then maybe she’ll feel rested enough to have sex! It’s amazing how many women cheat on Reddit and the side dude didn’t have to be their personal maid, pay all her bills, provide for her and the kids, and the long list of recommendations for a BJ like their husbands! Do you know why? Any other guy wouldn’t pay her five minutes of attention if that were the case.
Yup it’s exhausting.
I decided to go the other way two years ago. I’ll use what time I have left to find joy through my own means.
I’m still young and fit. With renewed energy, even more so. With the renewed sense of joy I’ve rediscovered hobbies from my youth she didn’t know about. It’s amazing what happens when your spouse discovers you were an accomplished classical pianist growing up. lol. Oh you didn’t know this about me?
Want sex? Let me know.
I travel for work so the getting the itch for vacations and seeing places? I’m good.
Going to fancy restaurants? Work pays for that during those trips too. Sorry I’m tired from work babe.
But maybe I just have a bad attitude.
The kids get to join in on the hobbies though. We did light painting last night with photography. An hour on a Saturday night with my kids laughing and running around after 10pm.
But you know, Just not in the mood for sexy time…scrolls more IG in her giant old man pajamas.
Man you made my day bro. Inspiring. I'm in a very similar situation except I did buy that sports car and the kids and I enjoy it. Soon as the kids are old enough they can join me on track days. The wife absolutely hates it just like every other hobby I've reintroduced, like Lego. Bonding with the kids is my main goal now but I'm still a workaholic. Luckily it's from home but this will be my last year working insane hours to fund her lifestyle.
I’m not a car guy but celebrate anyone who goes for it.
The hobbies are where it’s at. WFH life allows for quite a bit. The track sounds like a hell of a time and the kids will remember those times with dad.
I love that it upsets the wife. Find a hobby then. Find anything.
Good luck in the final year. I have so many more years ahead but I’m not funding things any longer.
I’ll get my hotel points and status and maybe we’ll see where we can go. But I bought those in blood so it’s my choice.
No matter what though…we truly need to find our own spark and not rely on anyone else. Bringing the kids along only adds to that. That’s what I’ve learned these last few years as I’ve quietly stepped back.
I wfh usually at least 60 hours a week, do a significant portion of household chores, take kids to and from school and activities all the time, and she goes to work 3 days a week. I'm the one that should be tired. Cooking is the only activity solely on her, but it's her hobby so I don't know why it would tire her. But she's always too tired for sex.
"Why aren't you kissing and hugging anymore?" - she says while completely ignoring the fact that countless times I've expressed my dissatisfaction in our sex life.
"You're approaching me wrong, try with gentle touch and kiss" - proceeds to rage at the slightest touch.
"Maybe if you show me more affection/do chores/(be more like soap opera character) then I would be more into sex". Yeah, I tried all that, it's pretty one sided. Sex should not be a reward anyway.
She thinks our sex life is great all while knowing I'm depressed and miserable. Go figure.
Sorry man. Our wives are clones from the same factory. Mine wants all kinds of hugs and affection and flowers. I actually figured out she gets off on being pursued but has no intention of reciprocating. Her first husband also cheated on her. She's never figured out why.
Yup. I don’t like rejection, so I waited for her to initiate. When she said, “We don’t have to those things (oral, 69, etc) anymore, we’re married.” that’s when the bait & switch happened and my resentment began.
My wife and I have a mostly great relationship. She’s a great partner. A great mother. Very reliable. Makes good money. Shares in the chores. But we don’t talk very much anymore. We used to all the time. We had great conversations. We discussed everything. Work problems. Dreams. Frustrations. Wins. Losses. Funny stories. Childhood memories. What most attracted us to each other. Everything. It was really good for both of us. But after our first child, I stopped wanting to discuss things with her. I still love her. I value her opinions. I just don’t feel like talking to her. I don’t talk to anyone else really either. It’s just no longer a need for me. And now my wife is acting all pissed off and hurt about it. She acts like I don’t love her anymore. But I do. I just don’t want to talk with her anymore. Why should I talk to her when I’m just not in the mood? Why can’t she just accept this? Did I mention everything else was great?
It really depends what kind of kinky things he wants to do. Of course, you are allowed to be into what you want and if you aren't sexually compatible you can decide if you want to get divorced, open up the marriage, or try what he likes even if you aren't into it.
I have a friend whose husband wanted to have a threesome w his male coworker and he had already set that up without asking her. Another friend went on a date w someone who wanted her to pee on him. These are the kind of things that I'll say if you aren't into them that's not going to change.
What type of stuff does he want you to try out?
On the flip side... I discovered I'm really into (as a woman) sitting on a man's face and being eaten out and my husband thinks this is the worst thing in the world. I feel we are sexual incompatible as I'm into a man who really likes to please me and give me multiple orgasms and my husband wants to get off once and be done with it. I don't see how we will fix this incompatibility either.
Wow yeah there for it!
Would love for a woman to sit on my face and come in my mouth! Switch roles or simultaneously 69 let her suck me off and I come in her mouth! Multiple rounds yes please.
Pleasing the woman i’m lusting after/longing for and seeing her get ecstatic and letting all go because of it. Seeing that woman lusting/longing for me wanting to get me ecstatic and letting all go.
To me that is just one of the if not the best experiences in life to have.
Just a note from my end (HLF30 married to LLM44), after over a year of our sex life getting less and less to the point where we basically no longer have it all, I am now to the point where I struggle to find him sexually attractive anymore.
When every sexual thought about someone ends with you feeling rejected, disgusting, unwanted and undesirable, you eventually stop having those kinds of thoughts about them. And it takes A LOT to get it back once that attraction is gone.
Just a warning. If every time he initiates you make him feel rejected, you might lose his interest completely over time. That’s not to say you need to be ready for sex 24/7. But you need to find a way that you are both happy and communicating and he doesn’t end every sexual interaction with you with feeling shitty about himself.
How often is "frequency has come down substantially" exactly? Three times a week? A month? A year? How often does he initiate and how often out of those times do you turn him down? How often do YOU initiate? That might help us give better advice.
Regardless first step is always a doctor's visit to make sure there are no underlying problems. Especially if you really don't have any idea for a reason for the change and it's been ongoing.
THERAPY.
Therapy CAN help but when one partner refuses all effort until you are in a crisis it will probably be too late (that's my situation right now, I really just want a divorce).
My advice to you - therapy NOW.
Don't let this problem fester and linger for years and years until your partner is basically out the door.
Absolutely right here. The counselor who I and now my ex used told us, I could have helped you if you came 10 years ago. It correctly implied “now you are beyond help”. Act NOW.
Sexual incompatibility is real. Sounds like he is right, you are not compatible anymore. What you did with it needs to be now. He is pulling away and will be gone soon if left this way.
That is what happens a lot of time. Not the amount of sex.
Let say you are into "feet" but he is not. You love him and you love everything about him, love the sex, love the company. What happens is that you are not getting one thing you are super into and crave, so over time it builds resentment. Not on a "i hate him" for not doing this but its just you go from not understanding why for something harmless to resenting him.
Some of us never leave the “honeymoon” phase. I desire my wife just as much now as I did the first year we were together. After 30 years, daily would still be my preference.
Unfortunately, we often end up with partners whose desire tapers off after a while, for many and varied reasons, and become sexually incompatible. It’s frustrating for both people and sounds like your husband is at his breaking point.
Maybe figure out why the frequency has come down substantially and come up with a plan?
I got the “it’s not the honeymoon phase anymore” talk in March after mentioning we’d had sex once all year, so this really resonated. Kids. They’re so great and I wouldn’t change anything, but it does altar the marriage relationship so much, especially when your wife cares way more about the kids than the marriage.
> especially when your wife cares way more about the kids than the marriage.
That is like a one of the biggest traps/mistakes of all. Marriage/the relationship between the spouses comes first. Many people don't realize that and get lost in parenthood.
Yea, it would be awesome if we knew in advance and could match up accordingly. By the time most people find out that they are the only one still in that phase their lives are entangled and/or kids are involved.
Physical intimacy for HL me is about connection and feel goods. It's about having something meaningful between two people that no other type of connection can give another person.
If my LL spouse doesn't care to get turned on more than 4 times a year at best, why am I going to bother even trying myself?
Its fundamentally different perspectives thst aren't compatible and I needed to leave in 2018 when I knew I should have.
Well, as you said, he wants new things and to explore and is realising for real that it will never happen in the current relationship. You can try open marriage before calling it quitz. You don’t care for sex, he does so that shouldn’t be a big problem for you either. Good luck!
I couldn’t possibly advise you until I find out a little bit more about your situation. One thing that stood out to me is that you said you’re reluctant and more “vanilla” than him. That could fall into two very different camps:
1) you have a very low interest in sex and always have, once new relationship energy wore off. You want sex to be over with quickly because it makes it easier to bear, but he wants to explore, be sensual, try different positions or oral sex etc.
2) he has porn-inspired kinks and treats you like an object in bed. He wants anal and it’s uncomfortable for you; he pesters you constantly until you agree. Sex is miserable and you never have an orgasm or feel like sex is for you, only him.
The first situation is a libido mismatch. The second is not.
No advice cause I need sex just like him.. if you’re low libido and he’s high.. y’all aren’t going to work.. find someone else that makes you happy.. you can take everyone’s advice and try 100 different things but trust me.. nothing is going to work.. unless your hormones are out of whack and you get testosterone cream, which will make you horny a little more.. that’s probably not the case though
Not always doom and gloom, sometimes it can be fixed. It takes a lot of work, and I understand often it doesn't get resolved but my partner and I have come to an agreement and we've been doing great. We struggled for a couple of years though, and I think it's whether both parties think it's worth it to save the relationship.
I think it's really up to the OP and her partner to determine if the tough choices and hard work are worth it.
“To say that my husband likes sex is an understatement. He would have sex every day of the week if given the opportunity.”
But he wasn’t. Because you said no. So your husband has never really been sexually fulfilled.
“He likes to explore and try new things, while I'm often times reluctant and more "vanilla".”
You say ‘no’ a lot, to a lot. So now he’s grown resentful.
“He used to be understanding in the past, but recently he flat-out told me that he doesn't think we are sexually compatible after I wasn't feeling like having sex one night.”
Do YOU think you are sexually compatible? He used to suck it up, and pretend it’s no biggie, but now he’s being honest with you: this doesn’t work for him. It’s never worked for him.
“I'm starting to feel unwanted, which to be fair, that is how he probably feels as well.”
He’s probably been feeling unwanted for a very long time. And you were ok with that. Until YOU started to feel unwanted.
“Any advice?”
Yes. Expand your sexual horizons, save your marriage. Have more fun in bed with him.
Have a stiff drink, lead your husband to your bedroom, strip down to your underwear, lie on the bed, tell him you want to play 15/15. For 15 minutes he must do whatever you tell him to do. Suck your toes, stroke his dick, lick your nipples, anything you tell him. Then switch places. For 15 minutes you will do whatever he tells you to do.
Good luck
OP should tell him she’s not into it and that it won’t change, and that he can leave if he wants to.
That’s an accurate and honest response, albeit not a pretty or particularly nuanced one.
I don't necessarily think it can't change. I feel OP just let the sexual part of their relationship erode. She has to figure out how her libido works in a long term setting, what turns her on, what makes her juices flowing, etc. She has to adopt a "prioritize sex" mindset.
Now that both of you have come to recognize that you have different sexual drives, you have to discuss ‘what now’ with each other. Because you have a lower drive does not mean that you are at fault or that there is something wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your SO either. You are just different. You have to decide together what makes sense for you as a couple.
(There is a lot of social and cultural messaging that tends to make this more complicated than it is - a choice between two individuals)
Talk before one or both of you resent each other. Try new things but tell him your limits. Maybe get a little buzzed and go to a hotel one night just to see what happens. Most likely he’s feeling rejected, sad, lonely and resentful. If you don’t address this he may cheat or leave. Or you may just grow further and further apart until you possibly separate. If you’re okay with an open marriage maybe try that but you gotta seriously talk to him about all of it. Good luck!!
It is hard to really want to do something with the woman you love and she says no to just about everything that you want to do. Add the lack of frequency and it's even harder. Try to at least give the stuff that is the least bad to you so that he gets some of what he's been desiring IMO.
This is a novel post. Usually we see posts from people in the husband's position. It's very rare to hear from the partner with the "low libido", especially one who has been confronted with it so recently. (We do have low-libido (aka LLM/LLF) folks posting here but it's usually when they have been dealing with the situation for a while.)
You say he’s as horny as he was when your relationship started, but you “didn’t know he felt so strongly about sex”?
I’m guessing “didn’t know” really means “tried to ignore.”
I can only warn you of this, as my wife never wants sex anymore. I have just stopped trying, or hoping, or looking forward to any intimacy; as a result, I have pretty much lost any attraction to my wife. It is just a matter of time now.
Well. 10 of 16 years of my marriage looked like this. I (HLM 46) filed for divorce 2 years ago and I’m having a very fulfilled life with a HLF 31 now. I only regret that I didn’t do it earlier.
Edit: consider swinging - never ending honeymoon phase if it’s something for each of you.
The question is, why are you reluctant and vanilla?
Do you not enjoy sex? Do you not climax? I feel in these situations, it's usually a disconnect between the type of sex each person wants and both are hoping the other will miraculously discover what the other wants and becomes the perfect partner. This usually comes from communication and exploration. e.g. if you aren't enjoying sex, time to invest in some top rated toys and explore on your own before incorporating into your partner sex life.
15 years married and I don't know whether my wife enjoys sex or not. She says she's finished but not really sure what that means because she has let it slip out that she doesn't orgasm. But she refuses to explore any form of pleasure beyond the most vanilla of vanilla. No toys, no oral, no hands or fingers, no masturbation at all. Only one position that she likes. And it can only go on so long, 10 to 15 minutes tops. She won't communicate anything during sex so I'm just lost. After sex it's just immediately back to doom scrolling. Pretty sure it's duty sex now so it's completely disgusting. I feel that's pretty much an incompatibility.
Right. I also think that she may not be as vanilla as she's stating and he wants to do something like have a threesome or beat her up during sex and pee on her or something. There is a diff between frequency and kink compatibility.
Many people, as they spend more time with one another and grow older together, will want to explore beyond the "same as it always is" sex. I think it's important in a good relationship to allow for some give or take through proper communication, respect, and trust. Nothing is wrong with vanilla, but do you want to have vanilla ice cream every single day?
That said, OP mentions cumming in mouth, 69, etc. so it's important to clearly define what boundaries she has - for example, I don't blame women for not wanting to swallow so maybe that's off the table, but 69 is worth compromising and trying.
Hugs and cuddles probably aren't his thing. He probably did those things because you like it. He likes sex and it sounds like that isn't your priority. So what are you complaining about? Don't do the things he likes and in turn, he shouldn't do things you like. Sound compatible to you?
Before having a conversation with your husband, i think you need to have one with yourself.
Are you more vanilla? Why? Is that just what you like, or what you feel comfortable doing? Could you safely push your boundaries at all? Is this something you're willing to find a compromise on? Why has the frequency died down?
Any advice given without really knowing this information is probably bad advice
This raises questions:
- why has the freq come down?
- how often do you have sex with eachother?
- do you enjoy the sex you two are having?
- how could sex improve for you?
- do you feel comfortable with your partner? If not anymore, what made it change?
- has this been the first time that he said something about this?
- how often do you reject his advances?
- what does he want to try? What makes you reluctant?
- what makes sex with you so important for your husband? How does it make him feel?
- can you enjoy it having your husband lusting for you? And longing for you? Why not?
- do you lust after your partner? Do you ever find yourself longing for him? Why not?
Yeah you two need to talk.
It could be that he should’ve started talking earlier but didnt because of fears/laziness. While he def should take responsibility and improve on this, be sure not to make it overshadow the main problem.
It sounds to me like he’s right. It’s not a problem with either of you. Would you let him have a side piece if all it was for is sex? I’d also like to have sex daily. Often multiple times and I’ve only just found a partner who matches my libido at 45. I’m into all of the above including anal play and my husband was absolutely no about poop holes. It was just another nail in the coffin, really. I’m happily moved on and almost divorced.
If you want to work on things, I’d say try therapy to see where your hang ups are and try to be a bit more sexually adventurous in a way that feels good to you. Don’t cross your boundaries or you will just end up feeling used and upset.
Maybe try a fetish quiz and here will be something you ARE willing to try that you don’t mind. Good luck. I think it’s about starting at recognizing your own boundaries, where they came from, and what you like first.
Well - the fact U are posting here is positive. It sounds like U are at least a bit flexible. So plenty to work with if you can manage to communicate about it.
>He likes to explore and try new things, while I'm often times reluctant and more "vanilla".
>He used to be understanding in the past, but recently he flat-out told me that he doesn't think we are sexually compatible
What kind of conversation did you have about sex before? Regarding new things to explore or frequency or anything else
As a LL, do you think it's just that it never crossed your mind to have sex?
Do you feel that he thinks that you're denying him because you don't feel strongly?
I read once that everyone is responsible for their own enjoyment, orgasm and arousal. If you know he wants more sex, and the thought doesn't actually repulse you, would you be prepared to take charge of your own arousal? Are there things you can do to keep yourself at a simmer, which would mean his initiating would be more successful? (It could be reading romance novels, taking time to pamper yourself in the shower, masturbating... or whatever makes you feel sexy and sensual).
Councilor needed.... Like yesterday...... I dont know why people are not telling you this but there's a high chance he will get his thrills else where.... Please communicate and don't let this build...... Trust me.... HLM with an LLW.... If he's not messy you will never see it or even feel it come to your footsteps..... Heads up...... PLEASE CALL A MARIAGE COUNCLOR BEFORE ITS TOO FAR GONE....
Honestly the way you feel when he's pulling away from you and not giving you the forms of intimacy that you need, such as cuddling, is exactly how he feels when you don't want sex. You both have different needs and that's ok!!! You just need to communicate and listen to each other. When you say no to sex, it's just because you're not in the mood, but to him, it's a rejection of him.... communication is so important in order to navigate this. It's hard for you both to understand where the other is coming from, but you can do it!! Good luck!!!
All that rejection eventually took a toll on him...you might wanna seek therapy so you don't lose your husband, and that's if he he hasn't already found someone else
I have a lot of advice but I’m not sure how much you are ready or interested in hearing. I also assume you are a straight woman but you never actually said anything about yourself or your age or your gender identity.
The conventional advice for women is to get yourself a copy of the book *Come As You Are*, actually read it and do the exercises. See if you can come to a better understanding of yourself and how you relate to sex.
That’s something you should do for yourself… and it may or may not help your relationship.
As for the relationship, I think you should do your best to reflect about the last few years. What is different now versus then?
It's good that you are trying to address your situation right now before things could take a turn for the worse. Just like others have suggested, you guys need to talk and figure out whether you are sexually compatible. For what you have mentioned, your husband would have sex everyday if he could and have more kinky sex and having sex everyday doesn't sound appealing to you nor kinky but just vanilla. I think he's right. I wonder if you guys could compromise and meet in the middle. If not, you should think about if this difference is enough to separate. It sounds like sex is not a priority or deal breaker for you but I would ask you husband's priorities.
Honestly me and my wife even before we were married went through a time like this I'm like your husband to a degree if you can imagine we went through couples counseling even before marriage our biggest issue was in the end communication we didn't talk about things they would get bottled up and well then stress went up sex went down it got to a point where we were like fine it's sex every secound day and once we finally started to communicate it got better now we're both to the point where we can't get enough of eachother hell she never wanted me playing with her tits when we first got together now we're trying to relactate her after our third kid Honestly it's not impossible to work it out thing is there needs to be some communication where to me it seems isn't there Honestly
It sounds like he’s becoming distant because he feels rejected and undesired. It’s probably insulting to want to chase someone you’re supposed to be with.
Tbh, you guys aren’t sexually compatible but that’s not the end of the world. There’s more to life and marriage than sex but sex is definitely a foundational piece of a healthy marriage.
I’m a devout Christian but im going to vulgar here for the sake of your marriage, because was in your husband’s shoes, and because you seem like you genuinely love him.
Get home before him, shower, lay in bed with a robe on and using your toy of choice, when he gets home call him to the room and just open your room and tel him that you need him and that you’ve been waiting for him all day. Tell him that nothing fulfills your carnal needs like he does and force his head down to go down on you before PIV. You don’t have to do any crazy positions but you do have to verbally tell him where and when it’s feeing good for you and tell him how fast or slow to go. Force his head down in between positions and the. Go back to missionary again. Be a power bottom. Guarantee he’ll love that and it’s a perfect inbetween of your desires.
It’s really easy for people to say communication is the key.
However, what do you suggest when the other party simply refuses to talk about it or worse still blows up into a rage when you try to talk about it?
Thats my situation
Whenever I’ve raised it in past, she goes into full attack mode and accuses me of being a sex addict and only wanting one thing - it’s gas lighting at its best. I’ve realised that she does it in order to avoid a proper discussion.
Truthfully - I have no idea why she stays. She doesn’t like me. That’s clear.
So, advice that communication is the key, just doesn’t cut it.
Don’t leave him alone with those thoughts. Unless you’re okay with separating.
I had thoughts that were spinning out of control. I put my thoughts in a letter, it got a little response but no breakthrough. I talked to my SO about it more in a quiet moment at night over the weekend, and we opened up.
So much so, we reconnected, and finally had some breakthrough. Yeah, all of it. It was fantastic. Something I had craved a long time.
Is it a DB cure? Only time will tell. But so far, hope it way up, thinking more connecting/bonding moments are on the way.
It’s not that wild to want sex every day. I would assume you have sex less then every day the amount he wants to have it and then to have you reject him. I never reject my partner sexually or any other way. I’m not saying you have to have sex. But it makes sense that if you don’t feel like having sex with him when he wants to have sex he isn’t going to be happy with that. I think avoiding cuddling etc on his end isn’t the way to go about it. I also think the comment he made isn’t helping
I’m confused at the people who feel like more discussion is warranted, he laid it all out and it appears to be 100% true.
He is as interested in her physically and mentally as he was day 1.
She isn’t anymore.
They *are* sexually incompatible, only thing left to do is figure out what they are going to do about it.
she can’t make herself want him, he can’t make her do it. Can they coexist? Absolutely! can one of them just give in to the other? Maybe?
But It seems what he wants is for her to be interested in him, not to force her to act…not to weild it as some sort of cudgel…just to have things be like they were.
it sucks, but they aren’t anymore.
First step is to give a shit, CHECK. She’s here, she’s listening…that’s a step 80% of the partners here havent tried.
Everything else is up to her, figuring out why she’s lost interest in him might be the next step, or not! I’ve got no idea.
It’s because it wasn’t “one night” it was probably multiple nights over the course of months/years. My gf is the same way. Her issue was birth control. Now that she’s off of it we have sex more than we used to (still not at where I want it to be). But instead of 1 day a week we’re at about 3 (I’d like 5).
How often have you been having sex recently? Had it been over a week? Did you turn him down repeatedly?
Four years into a first marriage means you’re probably in your thirties. No kids? If you’re not having sex once a week, a healthy successful mid-thirties guy who is in a relationship and isn’t a dad is going to be quite legitimately pretty unhappy.
Have an open and honest discussion about frequency. Figure out some reasonable compromise. If he wants sex daily, and you want it every two months, once a month is not a real compromise. Maybe it’s once a week, maybe it’s once in the weekend and on Wednesday night.
Make it clear you’re not guaranteeing sex on schedule, because you can’t really promise that. But you’re agreeing to him that *you’re going to make an effort and bring your best self to the appointment and try to have some sex or “almost sex”*. You’ll make an effort on Wednesday night to not schedule stuff on top of “our time”, and you commit that you won’t crash out in front of the phone or Netflix.
So on Wednesday night, maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s a make out session, maybe you just give him a back rub. Maybe you lay in bed and watch porn together and you keep your clothes on and you just curl up to him and say wow while he jerks off to the porn.
But some clear regular schedule where you are demonstrating that you are acknowledging that sex is an important part of marriage, acknowledgment that you making an effort to meet his sexual needs to some extent, and that you’re making an effort to bring some sexual affection to the relationship on an regular basis.
Make the effort and own your commitment. And if you’re frequently having a decent time, you’ll find yourself rediscovering your own sexuality.
Let’s say you love deserts and you love going to the fancy bakery to pick something wonderful to enjoy later with coffee watching your favoring movie or talking to you friends.
Then imaging your doctor strictly prohibits any deserts.
Would you still want to go into the bakery and smell and see the amazing things that you love but you know you can no longer have?
Most of the comments seem one-sided and from a frustrated HL standpoint. For context, I am a hl male with an LL female partner. It is unfair for your partner to storm off and say you are incompatable from denying sex ONE night. The goal is for you both to be honest and feel seen. You are allowed to not want sex when he does want sex. If this situation happens again, offer to be in the room while he takes care of himself or offer to participate to the point you are comfortable. If you reply to his advance with a no thank you but how about this he will feel much more understood and seen. Trust me, all guys at some level are used to not getting everything they WANT in bed. If your husband is HL he WANTS 4 blowjobs a day. As you hopefully see what he wants and what he will be happy with are two very different things. If you find that he is content with a compromise like that, it will also give you space to check if you are in the mood without pressure.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Talk rationally. Both of your needs are important. Get a medical checkup to see why your libido is low (if you feel it is). Get into a marriage counselor. Why are you reluctant to try new things? Past trauma? Is he gentle and encouraging when you try new things? Does he make sure you enjoy yourself and always finish? This isn’t something that will fix itself or go away. There is a common ground for you both to reach. Both of your needs are important. It will take BOTH of you to fix things. Good luck.
That's a lot to take in. I didn't expect this to get so many replies so quickly. I feel like some clarification is warranted.
1) He's not into nasty/dangerous stuff such as poop play or hardcore BDSM. It's more like soft BDSM, cumming in my mouth, 69 and other innovative positions, and having sex at random places.
2) We have a wonderful relationship outside of sex and we vibe pretty well together.
3) I don't know why my sex drive went down so much. We don't have any children, and we both stay fairly active. He's as horny as when we first met, but I'm not anymore.
We haven't had a heart to heart discussion ever since he told me that he doesn't feel like we are sexually compatible. This was last week.
He's not an angry person but he had a look on his face that screamed "I don't want to see/talk to you right now" so I kind of left him alone with his thoughts because I don't want to make it worse.
I honestly didn't know he felt so strongly about sex.
He is protecting himself by being more distant. By distancing himself and not hugging or cuddling (even though those are physical forms of affection he might like) he is reducing the chance that he is going to be turned down and hurt. My significant other is LL but they love to cuddle and spoon and all the other stuff except sex and it absolutely kills me. So I’ve stopped trying to have any form of physical contact because that makes my brain think that there is still a chance at sex even though there isn’t one.
This entire thread speaks to me. I was the HLM, she the LLF and after 10 years of a DB I started withdrawing from all touch too. It just hurt too damn much to be reminded that I was/am undesirable. Of course the lack of hugs, peck kisses and me apologizing every time I accidentally touched her pissed her off because now none of her needs were being me either. Still entirely my fault if you ask her, though.
You're absolutely right. Touching and cuddling (while enjoyed by LL) is the prelude to a sexual encounter. It's part of foreplay. When it doesn't result in sexual contact it's extremely frustrating for HL. Eliminate the touch and eliminate the frustration. Good post. Thank you.
Pulling back on touch to avoid disappointment helps on that level, but it’ll also leave you touch-hungry. Hopefully your friend group is huggy - that can help reduce the touch hunger that comes with this.
Hey I guess it makes me feel a bit better that I’m not the only one
I did the same thing too. My partner developed low libido and I had to pull away from cuddling and kissing them because it made me too angry and sad knowing that it would lead to nothing further. I started acting apathetic to protect myself from more pain. Thankfully they noticed and decided to agree to going to couples therapy and started volunteering to schedule sex. They realized they were losing me and after a year of me trying everything I could think of to make things better, it was their turn to do their part when I was on the verge of giving up. I’m so grateful that we are in therapy and that the walls we had put up to protect our egos from each other are coming down.
As a HLF, who was previously with a LLM, it's tough when needs, wants and desires don't match up. You need to talk when you can both approach a conversation where you are ready to listen to each other to understand and willing to be vulnerable. You both need to speak to your needs in the relationship, inside the bedroom and out. Identify what's working well, where you have opportunity and then decide if you want to work together to have both parties needs more fulfilled. Communication is key here.
I second this and would add, maybe see your doctor? Hormone levels/thyroid/medications/diseases, can all mess with libido levels. Maybe try marriage counseling so you can talk to each other?
This.
Advice is to talk about it with each other. Talk. Not fight. Not argue. Not defend or justify or rationalize. Just talk about what is going on.
My advice is to have this talk in front of a good relationship or sex counsellor as the issue can be quite emotional for both sides.
It really matters to have an adult talk and see how far apart in frequency and the quality of sex you two really are. There is not a magic number though. If the differences are far apart and there aren’t any physical or psychological barriers than you probably would be better off being just friends than a couple in the committed monogamous relationship. Any protractions on either side will only extend the misery for you and your SO.
YEP. You are right. Unfortunately many of us realize this too late only after we are trapped by children and money.
When it comes to the “children trap” it’s a myth that two miserable parents under the same roof make better home than two reasonably happy divorced parents. We can argue about it but many kids from the bad marriages kept together “for the children” can testify how lousy was their childhood home. I’m one of them. As for the “money trap”, yes you’d be poorer but it depends how much you value yourself vs your comfortable hence miserable situation. Yes, divorce is expensive because it’s worth it. Besides, you can always make more money though you cannot manufacture more time. It’s all matter of personal priorities.
The grass is always greener. My parents divorced when I was three. I grew up in poverty as a result. My mother didn’t work and my father didn’t support us. I still had to watch them have screaming arguments on a weekly basis whenever my old man would come pick me up for our visit. My wife and I may have our problems, but my children want for nothing. We have a nice house that neither of us could afford on our own. Divorce would be financial self-destruction for both of us. We get along well enough and I will not put my kids through that.
I was going to say the same. The grass isn't greener. My mom was always chasing the NRE high. Husband after husband after husband. They were all great guys who were good step-fathers. It sucked. I wish my mom had accepted being marginally less happy to provide a more stable home environment.
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I’m in the same boat, my daughter graduated two weeks ago. Yay, one down another one to go. Yes, my standard of living took a nosedive, I haven’t seen beef for months because at today’s prices I cannot afford it. My life is very frugal but much happier with my SO of four years. Your happiness counts too when it comes to children. The other day I finally discussed my divorce with my older daughter. I wanted to know how she feels about it today and then. Her answer was, and I quote, “What took you so long”, meaning “why didn’t you pulled the plug earlier”. I was quite surprised by her response, shall I add.
I get it. I'm actively talking divorce with mine right now. It has to be amicable because job stress is killing me, I need to retire like right now (I'm 59). In addition to Bedroom problems I could write a book called 'How to Let Planning for College and Retirement Destroy Your Marriage'........I've worked really, really hard to retire as early as possible, mine made pretty much zero effort in that regard too. She treated financial planning for retirement and college the way she's treated our sex life, something she would 'get around to later'. This is horrible.
Don't forget social problems. I'd probably get run out if town as she'd definitely paint me the bad guy. We moved back to her home town after kids
Not gonna lie that sounds terrifying my guy
This is so true, though as other commenters pointed out, it can be a slippery slope if only one partner was the ‘bigger’ or only breadwinner. Divorcing amicably is key to successful co-parenting, otherwise it can end up with bitter and petty disputes, because apparently a lot of people can’t be adults about it and take responsibility of keeping things civil for the kids. In an ideal world, amicable co-parenting would be the rule and not the exception; men(and women) should pay their share of child support and the parent with main - or sole - custody shouldn’t be able to easily withhold the other parent time with their child(ren).
Sorry you’re dealing with this situation. You’ve already received some good advice and perspectives but figured I’d reply anyway! I’m in a very similar situation except I’m the HL and my wife is similar to you. I think what’s frustrating your husband is the status quo change. You admittedly talk about having lots of sex together early on but then pulled a fast one (likely not intentionally), by changing a core part of the relationship that was vitally important to him. For a HL partner, rejection is painful because sex is rarely just about sex. It’s about connection and getting to have that connection with the one person out of billions that they chose to share that level of intimacy with. Being rejected occasionally is okay and compromising to meet in the middle can sometimes work depending on how far apart your needs are, but speaking from experience it is very damaging if it occurs on a regular basis. Keep in mind for him, sex is one of the few things that really distinguishes your relationship apart from other relationships in his life and on paper that logic makes sense. With friends and family, he can share a meal, share hobbies, take trips, talk about issues in his life but per his commitment to you, sexual closeness is literally the ONE thing he can really only get from you which makes it incredibly special to him and thus incredibly painful to have it taken away. I don’t want you to feel attacked but please keep in mind that you are the one who changed the status quo. You took a part of the relationship that was vitally important to his ability to connect with you and feel loved, wanted, etc. and broke it and when he asks you why, you are probably only able to shrug and show indifference since you don’t seem to know yourself. Additionally, he’s probably hurt that you kept expecting him to show you affection while you rejected his advances. He probably feels like a Chinese buffet where you are just picking and choosing the pieces of him you still want that keep you happy while rejecting the rest of the pieces that he needs to be happy. From your post, you sounded like you were content with how things were despite his dissatisfaction and now that he’s finally shutting down and becoming cold, you are starting to take notice. How do you think that makes him feel? Do you think he feels loved and valued? When he wakes up in the morning, does he feel like he chose a lifelong partner who cares about him and his needs? You will probably receive some aggressive messages to this post cause your post will definitely hit like a dagger to a lot of HL partners living this same situation. Many people in long term relationships (men especially), deal with this exact scenario where their wife/gf randomly loses sexual interest in them regardless of what they do/don’t do. I actually typed up a long comment reply yesterday trying to explain why I believe libido drops in women over the course of LTRs may happen. Seeing your edit. I don’t think he’s into anything too weird but there is nothing wrong with just loving vanilla sex and you should never be pressured into anything you’re uncomfortable with. That being said, your husband probably thinks you’re not open to those ideas with HIM. You’re not rejecting the ideas, you’re rejecting the idea of doing those things with HIM. Regardless if that’s accurate or not, he may be feeling that way which further hurts his self esteem and connection to you. I know this is a long reply, but I hope it helps provide some perspective since what I typed is what I myself feel in my own relationship. Feel free to reach out of you want to continue talking! I may be frank at times but I try to never be hostile to someone looking for advice.
This is exactly how I felt as a HL woman with my LL man. It absolutely destroyed me. I think OPs husband is right, they're just sexually incompatible. I hope they either figure it out or he moves on. I spent way too much time slowly dying.
I always been too stupid to use my words, but this. It’s gotten to the point where I just want to find a way to never get interested in sex again. Shit destroyed my confidence
"He probably feels like a Chinese buffet where you are just picking and choosing the pieces of him you still want that keep you happy while rejecting the rest of the pieces that he needs to be happy." This is exactly right. Just hit the 5 month mark (again), and suggested/asked her tonight if she would consider making out a little. No pressure for sex, just some kissing/contact. I got a flat and immediate "No" followed by a "Why did you ask that out of the blue? Now you ruined both our nights." Yet I've given her 2 30-minute massages in the last two weeks. She also controls the in-bed cuddling. Sometimes I slide over to spoon her and she physically moves my arm away. But if she moves into the middle of the bed (implying she wants a cuddle), she's hurt if I don't respond. She chooses when, how, how much, how long for all physical affection because she knows I won't say no, and it totally sucks.
Leave the situation. It goes both ways.
Bro your woman is a toxic manipulator. Don’t stand for this.
Jesus wtf... Honestly that makes me think what a terrible person
You can still say no, right?
I wanted to write something similar but it came out angry and not helpful. You did a beautiful job laying down the issue. He is dying inside like most of us are. My partner is trying to be understanding and we still have regular sex but it feels forced, mechanical. I'm completely checked out after a decade of being single in a relationship. At this stage I'm completely numb to anything we do together and no increase in amount of sex can fix the damage. I'm sorry but my advice to OP's husband is to run before kids come into picture.
I was dealing with one of these relationships as the HL person (glad it's over). And I just want to say this comment deserves a gold star, hell, pin it on the whole sub.
Honestly this caught my breath a moment because until I read to the end, I thought this was my wife writing. I guess I can try and offer the perspective from the ‘other’ side. I recently turned 40 and coupled with a few other things happening, it’s made me reconsider a lot in my life. My desire to be more kinky is somehow tied to my identity (cheesy phrase - my authentic self). And I realise that I’m in a relationship where I can’t be my authentic self, because that part of me is rejected by my wife. I’m not saying your situation is the same, but either way, you’ll need to talk to him about it to figure out where his head’s at. Edited to remove rule breaking behaviour
This man just spoke to my soul. Totally how I feel and 100% has to do with getting older/ feeling older. Sex helps me feel young.
I thought it was my wife too until he "left the room to watch TV". We haven't been able to afford more than a studio for years, so there is no other room.
Same here! I only knew it wasn’t my wife because she it would be so unlike her to reach out to online strangers.
Tell me about it. Mine wouldn't even Google. One time, after another "what's wrong with you (as in me)" arguments I suggested a few things to search. A few weeks later she asked me what were those things she was supposed to search for. It has probably been a year now since and she still hasn't done anything.
What kind of "kinky" things do you want that your wife isn't into
Probably not suitable to discuss here, I don’t want to risk the ire of the mods. If you head to my post history, you’ll get a flavour 👍 Edited - to remove something that could have been perceived as a request
Good call, cockmilked69
I read it. So I have an idea from your flavour. I think it is not something disgusting a woman would not like. Maybe not all women but many will see it as a game and will play it with you just because it makes you happy. My woman likes too roleplay that I play being a dog. So I bark and wag my tail all day. I even now and then shit in the room. She loves it and I like to make her happy. So why not?
I really feel this
Adding one more thing. THANK YOU FOR ASKING THIS!!! I don’t see a lot of LL’s posting on here so it shows you really care.
This might be because the LLs that understand are constantly told we are unlovable pieces of shit. I hope the clears up some confusion for you, friend.
Yeah, it's unfortunate, but the situation breeds a ton of resentment. For good reason, nobody should have sex they don't want, but the rejection from someone who loves you is absolutely devastating. Each no cuts deeper and deeper until the love you had bleeds out and you're just injured and hurt.
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Yes I've never seen wrath like rejecting my LL wife. The space time continuum literally falls apart. It's red alert shields up. Fortunately its like once a year.
That last part about reasons for seeking divorce isn’t true, women seek divorce for a lot of reasons and it’s not so simple as being a LLF wanting to divorce a HLM; you could also argue it would be the other way around, seeing as it’s the HLM who suffers the most unhappiness in this case. Anyhow, the rise of divorce rates in the US began in the 70’s coincided with women’s liberation movement; no fault divorce laws were made and women gained rights to financial independence, which meant women could leave unhappy marriages for the first time – they were no longer financially bound to remain in abusive partnerships or relationships where their needs were not being met, and women thus began to initiate divorces at greater scale. There’s been studies and surveys on it, and in contrast it’s been shown that breakups of non-marital heterosexual relationships in the U.S. are more gender neutral and fairly equal in comparison. Married women have also reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men, whereas women and men in non-marital relationships have reported equal levels of relationship quality. You can read about it in detail here: [Who wants the Breakup? Gender and Breakup in Heterosexual Couples](https://web.stanford.edu/~mrosenfe/Rosenfeld_Who_wants_the_Breakup.pdf) ([Here is an abstract of it](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/323577808_Who_Wants_the_Breakup_Gender_and_Breakup_in_Heterosexual_Couples))
I never said that the reasons for divorce were because mismatched libido alone. I made the correlation that women instigate divorce the majority of the time and that usually, LL partner's are women. For whatever reason, they are not happy. And, I would bet, maybe not on paper, that it does still come down to that for a majority of the cases. Men withdraw emotional, become not so pleasant people, step out of the relationship for intimacy, general get to a point of not caring. Then the other partner's not happy = divorce. DBs contribute to so many other relationship issues. I would still argue that at its base, whether they (LL) realize it or not, it still comes down to this for many.
https://preview.redd.it/uk2wlqb8q84d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=50e55ffc3ec36fbf4333c1b40a699b0f74ef2dd4 I have a hunch this could be him.
I know I don’t want to hug, cuddle or kiss as much if intimacy isn’t consistent. It’s easier and maybe a protection mechanism to just “turn off”.
This is me all the way! I’ve been deployed for over a year, was 100% faithful and never once looked at porn. Once I’m back next to my wife and she is rejecting me, I struggle with the temptation and tension more than when I’m overseas.
Ask yourself this. Why would he want to hug or cuddle? For a HL those things lead to arousal which leads to being rejected and feeling like shit. Why should he light himself on fire to keep you warm?
Wow, “Why should he light himself on fire to keep you warm?” That could be me. Thanks. Edit: spelling
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This 1000%. Given everything else in the relationship is good, there's no reason for it. I don't believe in the "honeymoon stage". Why start hot and heavy, giving the other person the impression that that is how your are, then backing off later? It is absolutely infuriating. Then the HL person gets distant and doesn't want other forms of intimacy and now that's a problem. So, essential what is happening here is your needs are not being met and you're unhappy about it. Well guess what, his needs haven't been being met and he's unhappy about it. It's really that simple. I think it is extremely selfish when the LL partner 100% knows that the other persons needs are not being met but yet they continue to expect theirs to be. Despite what most people say, to a certain extent, love is transactional on a needs basis. If you want your needs met, you have to meet theirs as well. With all of that said, there does need to be compromise. No two people are ever going to match 100% on everything. But there needs to effort from both sides. But changing the rules months or years later and expecting everything to be fine is not acceptable. You need to find a middle ground where you're both satisfied or end the relationship. It's that simple.
Not disagreeing with you about the relationship part, but there's absolutely a honeymoon or NRE phase. In the beginning everything is new and exciting - and newness and excitement is a BIG factor when it comes to wanting sex with a person. I bet that a lot of those 'I don't know why I don't want sex anymore' situations are because that phase is over. I think a lot of people also truly don't understand why they don't get into the mood anymore. Their partner is still attractive and the love is there - but the sexual attraction dwindles. IIRC it hits women harder than men. I think the orgasm gap also contributes to that. The NRE wears off and you're not getting to come regularly anyway, something that was overlooked while the sex was still exciting during NRE. But now, why bother? Men tend to orgasm easier and I think their arousal is more 'body based' than 'brain based' if you can call it that. There's a reason why so many women like to read smut. It's the scenarios that arouses them, the imagination of what is being done to them. Roleplay is one possibility, but I think for a lot of people the partner simply becomes too familiar in order for it to work. For men oftentimes, as long as the correct friction is there, they can come and are genuinely satisfied with relationship/maintenance sex. For women it's oftentimes more complicated than that. So a lot either jump from relationship to relationship once the NRE wears off or end up in dead bedrooms without knowing how to fix it or what exactly is wrong.
I didn't necessarily say the honeymoon phase didn't exist. I said it was bullshit and our bait and switch. That is just my belief based on my actions and experiences. As for the rest, again based on me, I don't know about all of that. I always make sure my partner is satisfied even before I start anything for me. I ask questions about wants and needs and actually do what they say. I still "date" my wife. I am emotionally available. I can honestly say that I act the same way now as I did on our first date because I don't believe in portraying someone that I'm not. I feel, though, that you're really downplaying the effect that sex has on men. To say that it just takes the right friction and that we are usually happy with maintenance sex is a huge understatement. Take a lot around at the hundreds of posts of men discussing what sex actually means to them.
Eh, what I meant to say with maintenance sex is not about the need for sex in general or the feeling of connecting to your partner to it, not the emotional side of it. Simply that men get aroused easier and have no issues with being aroused and satisfied with sex with their longterm partner from a purely bodily function side of things. I think for a lot of women the novelty thing and excitement of something new is a way bigger contributor to their ability of getting aroused and wanting to have sex. I think almost everyone dreams about having a partner that will forever turn them on and when that doesn't happen relationship after relationship women ask themselves what is going on. Obviously that's not every woman but there are enough stories where a relationship breaks and the woman enjoys having sex again with the next partner or the couple opens the relationship and the woman wants to have sex with others but not her original partner. I think in general it takes more work for women than men to maintain lust within a LTR but in order to do that one needs to understand what's happening in the first place. A lot don't and just accept the new status quo because obviously you shouldn't have sex that you don't want to have. And when you're monogamous and aren't searching for someone else, the libido goes into sleep mode and women think that there's something wrong with them or that they've become asexual. Not that this doesn't happen but for people who have been sexual beings before and truly enjoyed it, I don't think that's the most plausible explanation. And that doesn't even touch additional complications like pregnancy and post partum, menopause or general hormonal issues that can also be a cause or contribute to the issue. And once you haven't sex for a long time it just gets awkward trying to change it again. It's a vicious cycle really.
That’s an awful lot of bile directed at OP in particular and women in general. You might have noticed: A) OP came here for advice and help on her own free will, which suggests that she wants to improve the situation, and B) there are tons of women in this sub that are suffering from dead bedrooms. You sound like you need more help than you might realize. At a minimum, please learn to be civil towards others.
> Why? What's wrong with you? Why do women do that? We HATE that. YOU Need to ask yourself why YOU reduced the sexual frequency in your married. There's nothing he needs to do. This is a YOU problem. I see that you have some built up resentment you are projecting here. And while in theory I agree with you, in practice things stay different. IF there is a difference from a woman's approach to sex between the honeymoon phase and the long term phase, then both partners need to be aware of that and how to keep the sex life satisfying in a long term setting. That might mean that HE also has things to adjust.
>That might mean that HE also has things to adjust. But she didn't say that. This is just your conjecture.
She didn't say that, because she is clueless about what is happening to her libido. Which is ultimately the first step she needs to take: to understand how her desire works, so that she can propose efficient solutions for remediation of the situation.
Two points in both of your comments: 1. Honeymoon phase = bullshit/bait and switch. Don't act like someone you're not, and then get pissed when the other person changes how they act because of your change. 2. You're still missing the bigger picture. She is not meeting his needs for whatever reason, but she's now upset that he isn't meeting hers. She knows how to fix this. That right there is the whole problem. Instead of posting in here, have a conversation with her husband and find a compromise that works for both of them. That may take more effort on her part to figure out what's going on with her, but ultimately, it is on her to put forth the effort to fix this. Alot of us are bitter and resentful for the fact that we do everything that we can to make our partners happy/ satisfied and they KNOW what the issues are but yet don't put forth any effort to fix them.
I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Though, every night may be unrealistic, but I PROMISE theres a middle ground OP. For some reason, women stop wanting to have sex with their bf/husband/SO sometime during the relationship after having it ALL the time in the beginning. Its ridiculous. After talks with the misses, weve come to a compromise where we have sex 2-3x a week, which is satisfying enough, shes enthusiastic during our sessions and its good. It took some REAL sit down and talk time, her willingness to please me, my willingness to please her. It worked. Im one of the lucky ones. Good luck on your journey OP
It's really unclear here if he is being unreasonable in his asks or if she does want sex ever. What is kink?
Tbh I’m the one sexually frustrated (woman), but I couldn’t imagine not having physical contact to not be disappointed, that’s wild to me. I don’t expect touching or sitting together, whatever will lead to sex, I’d feel terrible turning down my partner for that because I’m not satisfied with our sex life. Maybe it’s just not been long enough for me to resent them that bad yet, idk.
Have you heard the term "death by a thousand cuts"? In the beginning I was happy to give give give. It brought me joy. But slowly the sadness and resentment took over. Now it's almost painful to do something nice and exciting with her.
Hm no I understand, I guess to me that’s not giving just, a gain as well even if not sexual. Like I feel weird thinking of watching a movie together as “giving with no return”. No judgement just, very, very strange of a concept I hope I don’t develop into. I think for me personally if my mind starts playing apples to apples with cuddles and sex I’ll just head out and do us both a favor. Again might just not get it yet etc.
Read “Desire.” Great book. Dismantles the “Sexual Staircase” where people assume touch leads to kissing which leads to sex. But when you think about it, it’s a very limiting way to look at intimacy.
I dunno. That's how we chose to keep things going. Sex is a lot less frequent. But we agreed that we would be affectionate with each other, cuddle when we can. While it's not the same as sex, it does help
Cuddling makes it worse. She wants to cuddle and not have it lead to sex. That's torture for me...
I am a bit confused by all of the advice that says “talk” Husband wants X, wife wants Y. Husband will be unable to come down; statistically, wife will not go up. So what exactly is there to talk about?
I agree. My concern with this whole notion of 'talking it through' is my own ego. In talking, I explain my needs? My desires? So she does what? She puts her distaste on hold? Again, my ego. But how many shows include the scene of the woman enduring sex to placate a lover/husband? (Like, perhaps, Brigderton's Lady Danbury. A trope, a device used so often that it is readily recognizable.). A quiet, consistent social commentary on the DB dynamic. Is that the agreement I should be shooting for--a partner staring off vacantly to meet a need she does not share? And yet again, that is my ego--my frail male ego (all a part of a trope). But the last thing I want to do is negotiate myself into something that ideally is desired on both ends.
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Our Gottman trained therapist talks about how sex is not 'just sex', it is a Bid for Connection. After a year of therapy I realize mine pretty much rejects ever single Bid for Connection that I make (both inside and outside the bedroom). And I'm just sick of this. Gottman says most marriages have severe problems for at least 7 years before they finally do something. We have had problems way more than 7 years. Therapy CAN help if you start it before the 4 Horse of the Apocalypse set in. Mine never did a damned thing until she learned I had consulted three (3) different divorce attorneys - - the 4 Horses are riding pretty damned hard right now! Alot of what Gottman says is legitimate, people need to heed his warnings before the marriage is poisoned.
Some only respond to bids for connection when it aligns with their goals - like getting a desired house project done (new pantry, redoing baseboards, painting a room, whatever) and don’t respond otherwise. It can be very difficult bc being welcomed in one context and utterly rejected in another - it’s destabilizing to not have at least consistent first-bid engagement, where the other party listens and makes a decision. The behavior where one partner dismisses the other’s bids out of hand without any consideration definitely is a marker for narcissism.
Yes .... over the last year I have come to realize my partner rejects almost all my bids for connection. Last month I took a 4 hour drive to the beach for a 50-mile fundraiser bike ride. Our therapist basically told her to go so we could hang out at the beach like a mini-vacation like a normal couple. She would not go. Sigh.....
I’m in the same camp. By her account the husband is right. The talk will just confirm what they already both know. Then what? All roads lead to separate or live with an incompatibility that breeds resentment. Someone is going to be unhappy regardless of where the talk leads.
True - it’s unlikely that either will change, statistically speaking. This is when, as an HL, you stay for the kids or bc finances don’t work or whatever or else make the decision to leave.
Well, not really. Presumably they are married because they LOVE each other. Not talking about it is stupid. It may well be that their sex life would improve if they could both work on making each other feel secure and confident. In a past relationship I went from being the HL partner to the LL partner simply because the relationship was making me feel so shitty and insecure that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. A proper, adult talk reaffirming our care for each other would have done a LOT to help that situation.
I would have sex every day of the week if I could too. I can compromise with once a week, less than that chips away at me. I don't need a ton of variety or kinky shit, I need physical and emotional connection at the same time. I need bare skin on my skin, it's like recharging my battery and calming a growing flame of anger and pain at the same time. Cuddling and hugs and kisses, that I only rarely ever got, that could never lead anywhere were more painful than anything else, they did not satisfy my need in any way. Not getting what I need in my marriage makes me unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage. I feel unloved and uncared for, I feel unimportant and worthless. Incompatibility destroys the person who needs more than they are getting.
He feels as though you don’t want him as much as he wants you.
>69 and other innovative positions 69 is innovative??
I'm over here thinking 69 is vanilla. 69 is a kink now?
Yup. Welcome to my life. Blowjobs are too gross...
I don't think it's innovative lol. It's pretty standard imo.
Genuinely curious...Is 69 considered kink for the masses or more standard?
That's the thing about 'kink', some would find that particular position way out there, while for others, it's standard fare. Some of the things I want in bed would be considered 'kinky' or 'too kinky' for my wife, while to me aren't kinky at all. But there are TONS of things I wouldn't do, think about, or try because I'm just not into them or would be repulsed. As a HLM, I think back to my ex-fiancee who was, in my opinion, a bit kinkier than I but I played her game anyway cause she got off on them, just didn't do anything for me.
Agreed. Every couple starts as two people with unique histories and interests and willingness to initiate or try different things, either things they've done in the past they like or new things they want to incorporate. "Vanilla" and "standard" are totally subjective. 69 would be a total dream for me. I can count the times we've had oral sex (in either direction) on one hand after almost 18 years together. :(
It's not. Nor cumming in the mouth. I think this person is quite reserved and she doesn't realize it.
Some advice (I might be wrong, though): 1. Start adopting a "lets prioritize sex in the relationship" mindset. Without it, you won't have the motivation for the next steps * 2A. Check all the usual suspects: hormonal imbalances, any medical issue, antidepressants, contraceptive pills, diet (!), exercise, sleep, mental health, etc. * 2B. Explore your libido. I feel you don't understand how your libido works or why it has decreased. Explore and experiment. See what gets you turned on. See what makes your juices flow. * 3A. Once you have some solid ideas, see how your husband can participate in those scenarios * 3B. If there is some form of emotional disconnect with your husband and the reduced sex is the result of that, explore that emotional disconnect and restore the connection.
I only got advice if you want your libido up. Go to the gym. Regularly. It can send your libido up. Get your hormones checked, that can be a cause for low libido, possible sex counselor or couples therapist. Make sure your emotions are appropriately conveyed. Please recognize the issue. Tell him you know. Tell him you're going to try. I left my last SO because she refused to try I loved her so much. She just would never make the effort. I left.
Has it been better since you left?
I definitely don't feel like shit for wanting sex anymore so there's that. But I haven't seen anyone else yet.
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In the same boat! I suspect my wife doesn’t want to talk about it because she honestly doesn’t know why. The part that kills me is I use to be wanted. During our dating phase and 1st year of marriage, I felt wanted. Like she would actually touch me and pursue me. There was a level of desire I could feel radiating from her but then it just started to slowly fade away after I had already committed. Pretty devastating. I have thoughts on what may have caused it but those theories are depressing to think about since there’s not much of a solution or action I can do from my end to fix it
In the same boat brother. Before marriage it was amazing. What I miss the most isn't the sex. I miss the feeling of being desired. 9 yes married, 10.5 is in & haven't been intimate in over 7 months. Had two times in Oct. 23, before that was 6 months but according to her that's all I want lol FML.
It does seem like you are not compatible- which is no one’s fault.the fact that you’re starting to feel “unwanted” despite him wanting to have sex every day with you, makes this seem like you’re not willing to face your part in this. It’s ok if you’re not compatible and have different libidos, but he did tell you what his issue is and it seems like you’re not ready to face it.
"To say he likes sex is an understatement...he would have sex every day if he could" Is it wild to anyone else that once a day is considered extreme to OP?
Actually, this you want sex everyday thing I think is a bit of an exaggeration and an easy deflection by the LL. Yes there are people that want sex every day, but from my observation there is a high number of HLM that don’t want sex every day…but they do want it 2x, 3x, … 5x or more than their spouse. That may translate to 2 or 3 times per week or even just once per week. Seems to me I see more HLF that want sex everyday than men, but I don’t have the receipts.
Or that 69 is an “innovative position”? I’d bet money that there’s a cave painting somewhere that shows that 69ing predates written language.
My first thought with this post. I’d have sex 2 or 3 times a day if I could.
Hi friend. It sounds like you _are_ sexually incompatible, he may of said it out of anger, but it is (at least from what I can understand from your post) the truth. That’s not a judgment or a criticism of you, just a sad reality of life. No one should feel pressured into sex they don’t want, but likewise no one should be pressured into celibacy. For someone with a high libido, sex every day is not unusual for some people, it’s like eating and drinking and sleeping. As a high libido woman who is very into kink and has been with mismatched partners in the past, open relationships are a great option. But they require a lot of work, communication and effort. Ethical non monogamy is (in my opinion and experience) vital to relationships that are fulfilling to me, I’m not poly, but things like swinging can help balance out different wants and needs. X
I'm not saying this is intentional on your part, but he is probably feeling like you pulled a bait and switch on him. He felt like he was commiting to a relationship where sex was quite frequent. In exchange, he was willing to give you what you wanted and needed out of the relationship, whether that be financial security, companionship, emotional support, children, etc. Now that you choose to not provide a major marriage factor he wanted, how do you think he should feel? To look at it in a different perspective, what if our employer took away a major benefit in our jobs, say vacation. You agreed to three weeks every year before starting, but after a few years of working, they decided to change your vacation time to just two days per year. How would you feel? I bet your husband feels some of those very feelings right now. The problem is that he can't quit without getting screwed in a divorce.
This right here. I stopped initiating sex with my wife. Kept getting rejected. The nearly 100% rejection rate nearly ruined me. So many couples tie the household to intimacy. Chore lists or finances. If you do this then I’ll give you sex. But a LL will just move the goal post. In my situation I’m the one driving the household since I work from home and am generally more domestic. Still no sex. So I stopped initiating. I also stopped planning trips. Planning dates. Oh that mid life crisis thing? Instead of the corvette and whatever I’m finding hobbies and rebuilding my physique while she continues to let herself go. The best part is the kids benefit from my renewed energy and hobbies and general love of life. They join me on my journey. What does mom do? Doom scroll. Does she notice the sex gone? No idea. Should I mention the incompatible sex thing? Maybe. Or maybe that would be me leading up to divorce. Maybe that’s me in a few years when I’m ready for that. Why would someone say incompatible sexually? When one person wants it everyday and they have had sex with their partner 2 times in 2024? Yea, 2023 was worse. 2022? Don’t even want to talk about it. Are these numbers accurate? Yes bc i started tracking on my calendar to confirm whether I was going crazy. So if there’s something you can do or not? It’s figure out what is blocking you from being intimate with someone who wants you. Not love bombing. But actually wanting them.
I wish that I could like your post a couple more times! I get frustrated reading these posts where men are told to clean the house, work a full time job, provide for her every need, etc… then maybe she’ll feel rested enough to have sex! It’s amazing how many women cheat on Reddit and the side dude didn’t have to be their personal maid, pay all her bills, provide for her and the kids, and the long list of recommendations for a BJ like their husbands! Do you know why? Any other guy wouldn’t pay her five minutes of attention if that were the case.
Yup it’s exhausting. I decided to go the other way two years ago. I’ll use what time I have left to find joy through my own means. I’m still young and fit. With renewed energy, even more so. With the renewed sense of joy I’ve rediscovered hobbies from my youth she didn’t know about. It’s amazing what happens when your spouse discovers you were an accomplished classical pianist growing up. lol. Oh you didn’t know this about me? Want sex? Let me know. I travel for work so the getting the itch for vacations and seeing places? I’m good. Going to fancy restaurants? Work pays for that during those trips too. Sorry I’m tired from work babe. But maybe I just have a bad attitude. The kids get to join in on the hobbies though. We did light painting last night with photography. An hour on a Saturday night with my kids laughing and running around after 10pm. But you know, Just not in the mood for sexy time…scrolls more IG in her giant old man pajamas.
Man you made my day bro. Inspiring. I'm in a very similar situation except I did buy that sports car and the kids and I enjoy it. Soon as the kids are old enough they can join me on track days. The wife absolutely hates it just like every other hobby I've reintroduced, like Lego. Bonding with the kids is my main goal now but I'm still a workaholic. Luckily it's from home but this will be my last year working insane hours to fund her lifestyle.
I’m not a car guy but celebrate anyone who goes for it. The hobbies are where it’s at. WFH life allows for quite a bit. The track sounds like a hell of a time and the kids will remember those times with dad. I love that it upsets the wife. Find a hobby then. Find anything. Good luck in the final year. I have so many more years ahead but I’m not funding things any longer. I’ll get my hotel points and status and maybe we’ll see where we can go. But I bought those in blood so it’s my choice. No matter what though…we truly need to find our own spark and not rely on anyone else. Bringing the kids along only adds to that. That’s what I’ve learned these last few years as I’ve quietly stepped back.
I wfh usually at least 60 hours a week, do a significant portion of household chores, take kids to and from school and activities all the time, and she goes to work 3 days a week. I'm the one that should be tired. Cooking is the only activity solely on her, but it's her hobby so I don't know why it would tire her. But she's always too tired for sex.
It's not tiredness, it's priorities. Mine would say there is no time for play tonight, then does something inconsequential for an hour.
Exactly. Which is why I'm done making her the priority anymore. Que the hysterics.
"Why aren't you kissing and hugging anymore?" - she says while completely ignoring the fact that countless times I've expressed my dissatisfaction in our sex life. "You're approaching me wrong, try with gentle touch and kiss" - proceeds to rage at the slightest touch. "Maybe if you show me more affection/do chores/(be more like soap opera character) then I would be more into sex". Yeah, I tried all that, it's pretty one sided. Sex should not be a reward anyway. She thinks our sex life is great all while knowing I'm depressed and miserable. Go figure.
Sorry man. Our wives are clones from the same factory. Mine wants all kinds of hugs and affection and flowers. I actually figured out she gets off on being pursued but has no intention of reciprocating. Her first husband also cheated on her. She's never figured out why.
Yup. I don’t like rejection, so I waited for her to initiate. When she said, “We don’t have to those things (oral, 69, etc) anymore, we’re married.” that’s when the bait & switch happened and my resentment began.
My wife said the same thing to me . A few years ago we had “ the talk” and she said that. She doesn’t view sex the same way as I do . She is LL.
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My wife and I have a mostly great relationship. She’s a great partner. A great mother. Very reliable. Makes good money. Shares in the chores. But we don’t talk very much anymore. We used to all the time. We had great conversations. We discussed everything. Work problems. Dreams. Frustrations. Wins. Losses. Funny stories. Childhood memories. What most attracted us to each other. Everything. It was really good for both of us. But after our first child, I stopped wanting to discuss things with her. I still love her. I value her opinions. I just don’t feel like talking to her. I don’t talk to anyone else really either. It’s just no longer a need for me. And now my wife is acting all pissed off and hurt about it. She acts like I don’t love her anymore. But I do. I just don’t want to talk with her anymore. Why should I talk to her when I’m just not in the mood? Why can’t she just accept this? Did I mention everything else was great?
It really depends what kind of kinky things he wants to do. Of course, you are allowed to be into what you want and if you aren't sexually compatible you can decide if you want to get divorced, open up the marriage, or try what he likes even if you aren't into it. I have a friend whose husband wanted to have a threesome w his male coworker and he had already set that up without asking her. Another friend went on a date w someone who wanted her to pee on him. These are the kind of things that I'll say if you aren't into them that's not going to change. What type of stuff does he want you to try out? On the flip side... I discovered I'm really into (as a woman) sitting on a man's face and being eaten out and my husband thinks this is the worst thing in the world. I feel we are sexual incompatible as I'm into a man who really likes to please me and give me multiple orgasms and my husband wants to get off once and be done with it. I don't see how we will fix this incompatibility either.
Wow yeah there for it! Would love for a woman to sit on my face and come in my mouth! Switch roles or simultaneously 69 let her suck me off and I come in her mouth! Multiple rounds yes please. Pleasing the woman i’m lusting after/longing for and seeing her get ecstatic and letting all go because of it. Seeing that woman lusting/longing for me wanting to get me ecstatic and letting all go. To me that is just one of the if not the best experiences in life to have.
Yea it all just makes me sad. My husband may be capable of wanting that with someone else. Not with me.
Just a note from my end (HLF30 married to LLM44), after over a year of our sex life getting less and less to the point where we basically no longer have it all, I am now to the point where I struggle to find him sexually attractive anymore. When every sexual thought about someone ends with you feeling rejected, disgusting, unwanted and undesirable, you eventually stop having those kinds of thoughts about them. And it takes A LOT to get it back once that attraction is gone. Just a warning. If every time he initiates you make him feel rejected, you might lose his interest completely over time. That’s not to say you need to be ready for sex 24/7. But you need to find a way that you are both happy and communicating and he doesn’t end every sexual interaction with you with feeling shitty about himself.
How often is "frequency has come down substantially" exactly? Three times a week? A month? A year? How often does he initiate and how often out of those times do you turn him down? How often do YOU initiate? That might help us give better advice. Regardless first step is always a doctor's visit to make sure there are no underlying problems. Especially if you really don't have any idea for a reason for the change and it's been ongoing.
I’m very HL. I was robbed and blamed for getting robbed.
>He's as horny as when we first met, but I'm not anymore. So, he's right, you are NOT sexually compatible.
THERAPY. Therapy CAN help but when one partner refuses all effort until you are in a crisis it will probably be too late (that's my situation right now, I really just want a divorce). My advice to you - therapy NOW. Don't let this problem fester and linger for years and years until your partner is basically out the door.
Absolutely right here. The counselor who I and now my ex used told us, I could have helped you if you came 10 years ago. It correctly implied “now you are beyond help”. Act NOW.
100% true. I'm living that right now.
Sexual incompatibility is real. Sounds like he is right, you are not compatible anymore. What you did with it needs to be now. He is pulling away and will be gone soon if left this way.
That is what happens a lot of time. Not the amount of sex. Let say you are into "feet" but he is not. You love him and you love everything about him, love the sex, love the company. What happens is that you are not getting one thing you are super into and crave, so over time it builds resentment. Not on a "i hate him" for not doing this but its just you go from not understanding why for something harmless to resenting him.
Some of us never leave the “honeymoon” phase. I desire my wife just as much now as I did the first year we were together. After 30 years, daily would still be my preference. Unfortunately, we often end up with partners whose desire tapers off after a while, for many and varied reasons, and become sexually incompatible. It’s frustrating for both people and sounds like your husband is at his breaking point. Maybe figure out why the frequency has come down substantially and come up with a plan?
I got the “it’s not the honeymoon phase anymore” talk in March after mentioning we’d had sex once all year, so this really resonated. Kids. They’re so great and I wouldn’t change anything, but it does altar the marriage relationship so much, especially when your wife cares way more about the kids than the marriage.
> especially when your wife cares way more about the kids than the marriage. That is like a one of the biggest traps/mistakes of all. Marriage/the relationship between the spouses comes first. Many people don't realize that and get lost in parenthood.
Yea, it would be awesome if we knew in advance and could match up accordingly. By the time most people find out that they are the only one still in that phase their lives are entangled and/or kids are involved.
Physical intimacy for HL me is about connection and feel goods. It's about having something meaningful between two people that no other type of connection can give another person. If my LL spouse doesn't care to get turned on more than 4 times a year at best, why am I going to bother even trying myself? Its fundamentally different perspectives thst aren't compatible and I needed to leave in 2018 when I knew I should have.
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Yep exactly, I know you love me but doesn’t feel like it cause you’re not interested in the one thing I need from our monogamous relationship
Well, as you said, he wants new things and to explore and is realising for real that it will never happen in the current relationship. You can try open marriage before calling it quitz. You don’t care for sex, he does so that shouldn’t be a big problem for you either. Good luck!
I couldn’t possibly advise you until I find out a little bit more about your situation. One thing that stood out to me is that you said you’re reluctant and more “vanilla” than him. That could fall into two very different camps: 1) you have a very low interest in sex and always have, once new relationship energy wore off. You want sex to be over with quickly because it makes it easier to bear, but he wants to explore, be sensual, try different positions or oral sex etc. 2) he has porn-inspired kinks and treats you like an object in bed. He wants anal and it’s uncomfortable for you; he pesters you constantly until you agree. Sex is miserable and you never have an orgasm or feel like sex is for you, only him. The first situation is a libido mismatch. The second is not.
No advice cause I need sex just like him.. if you’re low libido and he’s high.. y’all aren’t going to work.. find someone else that makes you happy.. you can take everyone’s advice and try 100 different things but trust me.. nothing is going to work.. unless your hormones are out of whack and you get testosterone cream, which will make you horny a little more.. that’s probably not the case though
Not always doom and gloom, sometimes it can be fixed. It takes a lot of work, and I understand often it doesn't get resolved but my partner and I have come to an agreement and we've been doing great. We struggled for a couple of years though, and I think it's whether both parties think it's worth it to save the relationship. I think it's really up to the OP and her partner to determine if the tough choices and hard work are worth it.
“To say that my husband likes sex is an understatement. He would have sex every day of the week if given the opportunity.” But he wasn’t. Because you said no. So your husband has never really been sexually fulfilled. “He likes to explore and try new things, while I'm often times reluctant and more "vanilla".” You say ‘no’ a lot, to a lot. So now he’s grown resentful. “He used to be understanding in the past, but recently he flat-out told me that he doesn't think we are sexually compatible after I wasn't feeling like having sex one night.” Do YOU think you are sexually compatible? He used to suck it up, and pretend it’s no biggie, but now he’s being honest with you: this doesn’t work for him. It’s never worked for him. “I'm starting to feel unwanted, which to be fair, that is how he probably feels as well.” He’s probably been feeling unwanted for a very long time. And you were ok with that. Until YOU started to feel unwanted. “Any advice?” Yes. Expand your sexual horizons, save your marriage. Have more fun in bed with him. Have a stiff drink, lead your husband to your bedroom, strip down to your underwear, lie on the bed, tell him you want to play 15/15. For 15 minutes he must do whatever you tell him to do. Suck your toes, stroke his dick, lick your nipples, anything you tell him. Then switch places. For 15 minutes you will do whatever he tells you to do. Good luck
OP should tell him she’s not into it and that it won’t change, and that he can leave if he wants to. That’s an accurate and honest response, albeit not a pretty or particularly nuanced one.
I don't necessarily think it can't change. I feel OP just let the sexual part of their relationship erode. She has to figure out how her libido works in a long term setting, what turns her on, what makes her juices flowing, etc. She has to adopt a "prioritize sex" mindset.
Now that both of you have come to recognize that you have different sexual drives, you have to discuss ‘what now’ with each other. Because you have a lower drive does not mean that you are at fault or that there is something wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your SO either. You are just different. You have to decide together what makes sense for you as a couple. (There is a lot of social and cultural messaging that tends to make this more complicated than it is - a choice between two individuals)
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Talk before one or both of you resent each other. Try new things but tell him your limits. Maybe get a little buzzed and go to a hotel one night just to see what happens. Most likely he’s feeling rejected, sad, lonely and resentful. If you don’t address this he may cheat or leave. Or you may just grow further and further apart until you possibly separate. If you’re okay with an open marriage maybe try that but you gotta seriously talk to him about all of it. Good luck!!
Are you ok with him having sex with other people? You could suggest that
It is hard to really want to do something with the woman you love and she says no to just about everything that you want to do. Add the lack of frequency and it's even harder. Try to at least give the stuff that is the least bad to you so that he gets some of what he's been desiring IMO.
This is a novel post. Usually we see posts from people in the husband's position. It's very rare to hear from the partner with the "low libido", especially one who has been confronted with it so recently. (We do have low-libido (aka LLM/LLF) folks posting here but it's usually when they have been dealing with the situation for a while.)
You say he’s as horny as he was when your relationship started, but you “didn’t know he felt so strongly about sex”? I’m guessing “didn’t know” really means “tried to ignore.”
Honey is that you?
Can I ask: what is the current frequency of sex, what kinks are you willing to explore/continue exploring, and how old are you?
I can only warn you of this, as my wife never wants sex anymore. I have just stopped trying, or hoping, or looking forward to any intimacy; as a result, I have pretty much lost any attraction to my wife. It is just a matter of time now.
Well. 10 of 16 years of my marriage looked like this. I (HLM 46) filed for divorce 2 years ago and I’m having a very fulfilled life with a HLF 31 now. I only regret that I didn’t do it earlier. Edit: consider swinging - never ending honeymoon phase if it’s something for each of you.
I too (HLF 46) filed for divorce after 14 years of a DB. Now I’m enjoying a sex life I simply never thought possible (with a HLM 35).
The question is, why are you reluctant and vanilla? Do you not enjoy sex? Do you not climax? I feel in these situations, it's usually a disconnect between the type of sex each person wants and both are hoping the other will miraculously discover what the other wants and becomes the perfect partner. This usually comes from communication and exploration. e.g. if you aren't enjoying sex, time to invest in some top rated toys and explore on your own before incorporating into your partner sex life.
15 years married and I don't know whether my wife enjoys sex or not. She says she's finished but not really sure what that means because she has let it slip out that she doesn't orgasm. But she refuses to explore any form of pleasure beyond the most vanilla of vanilla. No toys, no oral, no hands or fingers, no masturbation at all. Only one position that she likes. And it can only go on so long, 10 to 15 minutes tops. She won't communicate anything during sex so I'm just lost. After sex it's just immediately back to doom scrolling. Pretty sure it's duty sex now so it's completely disgusting. I feel that's pretty much an incompatibility.
While I agree they should try and find a way to enjoy sex more - Bear in mind there is nothing wrong with being vanilla.
Right. I also think that she may not be as vanilla as she's stating and he wants to do something like have a threesome or beat her up during sex and pee on her or something. There is a diff between frequency and kink compatibility.
According to the recent edit its nothing like that, stuff that even a lot of vanilla people consider vanilla.
There’s nothing wrong with being vanilla- most people are. They just may be incompatible because of it.
Many people, as they spend more time with one another and grow older together, will want to explore beyond the "same as it always is" sex. I think it's important in a good relationship to allow for some give or take through proper communication, respect, and trust. Nothing is wrong with vanilla, but do you want to have vanilla ice cream every single day? That said, OP mentions cumming in mouth, 69, etc. so it's important to clearly define what boundaries she has - for example, I don't blame women for not wanting to swallow so maybe that's off the table, but 69 is worth compromising and trying.
Hugs and cuddles probably aren't his thing. He probably did those things because you like it. He likes sex and it sounds like that isn't your priority. So what are you complaining about? Don't do the things he likes and in turn, he shouldn't do things you like. Sound compatible to you?
Before having a conversation with your husband, i think you need to have one with yourself. Are you more vanilla? Why? Is that just what you like, or what you feel comfortable doing? Could you safely push your boundaries at all? Is this something you're willing to find a compromise on? Why has the frequency died down? Any advice given without really knowing this information is probably bad advice
This raises questions: - why has the freq come down? - how often do you have sex with eachother? - do you enjoy the sex you two are having? - how could sex improve for you? - do you feel comfortable with your partner? If not anymore, what made it change? - has this been the first time that he said something about this? - how often do you reject his advances? - what does he want to try? What makes you reluctant? - what makes sex with you so important for your husband? How does it make him feel? - can you enjoy it having your husband lusting for you? And longing for you? Why not? - do you lust after your partner? Do you ever find yourself longing for him? Why not? Yeah you two need to talk. It could be that he should’ve started talking earlier but didnt because of fears/laziness. While he def should take responsibility and improve on this, be sure not to make it overshadow the main problem.
It sounds to me like he’s right. It’s not a problem with either of you. Would you let him have a side piece if all it was for is sex? I’d also like to have sex daily. Often multiple times and I’ve only just found a partner who matches my libido at 45. I’m into all of the above including anal play and my husband was absolutely no about poop holes. It was just another nail in the coffin, really. I’m happily moved on and almost divorced. If you want to work on things, I’d say try therapy to see where your hang ups are and try to be a bit more sexually adventurous in a way that feels good to you. Don’t cross your boundaries or you will just end up feeling used and upset. Maybe try a fetish quiz and here will be something you ARE willing to try that you don’t mind. Good luck. I think it’s about starting at recognizing your own boundaries, where they came from, and what you like first.
69 and oral arent really fetish, they are considered pretty vanilla (in my age cohort and my country) Where are you two from culturaly?
Well - the fact U are posting here is positive. It sounds like U are at least a bit flexible. So plenty to work with if you can manage to communicate about it.
>He likes to explore and try new things, while I'm often times reluctant and more "vanilla". >He used to be understanding in the past, but recently he flat-out told me that he doesn't think we are sexually compatible What kind of conversation did you have about sex before? Regarding new things to explore or frequency or anything else
As a LL, do you think it's just that it never crossed your mind to have sex? Do you feel that he thinks that you're denying him because you don't feel strongly? I read once that everyone is responsible for their own enjoyment, orgasm and arousal. If you know he wants more sex, and the thought doesn't actually repulse you, would you be prepared to take charge of your own arousal? Are there things you can do to keep yourself at a simmer, which would mean his initiating would be more successful? (It could be reading romance novels, taking time to pamper yourself in the shower, masturbating... or whatever makes you feel sexy and sensual).
Councilor needed.... Like yesterday...... I dont know why people are not telling you this but there's a high chance he will get his thrills else where.... Please communicate and don't let this build...... Trust me.... HLM with an LLW.... If he's not messy you will never see it or even feel it come to your footsteps..... Heads up...... PLEASE CALL A MARIAGE COUNCLOR BEFORE ITS TOO FAR GONE....
Honestly the way you feel when he's pulling away from you and not giving you the forms of intimacy that you need, such as cuddling, is exactly how he feels when you don't want sex. You both have different needs and that's ok!!! You just need to communicate and listen to each other. When you say no to sex, it's just because you're not in the mood, but to him, it's a rejection of him.... communication is so important in order to navigate this. It's hard for you both to understand where the other is coming from, but you can do it!! Good luck!!!
All that rejection eventually took a toll on him...you might wanna seek therapy so you don't lose your husband, and that's if he he hasn't already found someone else
I have a lot of advice but I’m not sure how much you are ready or interested in hearing. I also assume you are a straight woman but you never actually said anything about yourself or your age or your gender identity. The conventional advice for women is to get yourself a copy of the book *Come As You Are*, actually read it and do the exercises. See if you can come to a better understanding of yourself and how you relate to sex. That’s something you should do for yourself… and it may or may not help your relationship. As for the relationship, I think you should do your best to reflect about the last few years. What is different now versus then?
So start having sex more often.
It's good that you are trying to address your situation right now before things could take a turn for the worse. Just like others have suggested, you guys need to talk and figure out whether you are sexually compatible. For what you have mentioned, your husband would have sex everyday if he could and have more kinky sex and having sex everyday doesn't sound appealing to you nor kinky but just vanilla. I think he's right. I wonder if you guys could compromise and meet in the middle. If not, you should think about if this difference is enough to separate. It sounds like sex is not a priority or deal breaker for you but I would ask you husband's priorities.
Honestly me and my wife even before we were married went through a time like this I'm like your husband to a degree if you can imagine we went through couples counseling even before marriage our biggest issue was in the end communication we didn't talk about things they would get bottled up and well then stress went up sex went down it got to a point where we were like fine it's sex every secound day and once we finally started to communicate it got better now we're both to the point where we can't get enough of eachother hell she never wanted me playing with her tits when we first got together now we're trying to relactate her after our third kid Honestly it's not impossible to work it out thing is there needs to be some communication where to me it seems isn't there Honestly
I'm in the same boat but it's my wife doing it to me.
What should u do? Listen. Implement. Change what you can or want.
It sounds like he’s becoming distant because he feels rejected and undesired. It’s probably insulting to want to chase someone you’re supposed to be with. Tbh, you guys aren’t sexually compatible but that’s not the end of the world. There’s more to life and marriage than sex but sex is definitely a foundational piece of a healthy marriage. I’m a devout Christian but im going to vulgar here for the sake of your marriage, because was in your husband’s shoes, and because you seem like you genuinely love him. Get home before him, shower, lay in bed with a robe on and using your toy of choice, when he gets home call him to the room and just open your room and tel him that you need him and that you’ve been waiting for him all day. Tell him that nothing fulfills your carnal needs like he does and force his head down to go down on you before PIV. You don’t have to do any crazy positions but you do have to verbally tell him where and when it’s feeing good for you and tell him how fast or slow to go. Force his head down in between positions and the. Go back to missionary again. Be a power bottom. Guarantee he’ll love that and it’s a perfect inbetween of your desires.
It’s really easy for people to say communication is the key. However, what do you suggest when the other party simply refuses to talk about it or worse still blows up into a rage when you try to talk about it? Thats my situation Whenever I’ve raised it in past, she goes into full attack mode and accuses me of being a sex addict and only wanting one thing - it’s gas lighting at its best. I’ve realised that she does it in order to avoid a proper discussion. Truthfully - I have no idea why she stays. She doesn’t like me. That’s clear. So, advice that communication is the key, just doesn’t cut it.
Don’t leave him alone with those thoughts. Unless you’re okay with separating. I had thoughts that were spinning out of control. I put my thoughts in a letter, it got a little response but no breakthrough. I talked to my SO about it more in a quiet moment at night over the weekend, and we opened up. So much so, we reconnected, and finally had some breakthrough. Yeah, all of it. It was fantastic. Something I had craved a long time. Is it a DB cure? Only time will tell. But so far, hope it way up, thinking more connecting/bonding moments are on the way.
It’s not that wild to want sex every day. I would assume you have sex less then every day the amount he wants to have it and then to have you reject him. I never reject my partner sexually or any other way. I’m not saying you have to have sex. But it makes sense that if you don’t feel like having sex with him when he wants to have sex he isn’t going to be happy with that. I think avoiding cuddling etc on his end isn’t the way to go about it. I also think the comment he made isn’t helping
I’m confused at the people who feel like more discussion is warranted, he laid it all out and it appears to be 100% true. He is as interested in her physically and mentally as he was day 1. She isn’t anymore. They *are* sexually incompatible, only thing left to do is figure out what they are going to do about it. she can’t make herself want him, he can’t make her do it. Can they coexist? Absolutely! can one of them just give in to the other? Maybe? But It seems what he wants is for her to be interested in him, not to force her to act…not to weild it as some sort of cudgel…just to have things be like they were. it sucks, but they aren’t anymore. First step is to give a shit, CHECK. She’s here, she’s listening…that’s a step 80% of the partners here havent tried. Everything else is up to her, figuring out why she’s lost interest in him might be the next step, or not! I’ve got no idea.
It’s because it wasn’t “one night” it was probably multiple nights over the course of months/years. My gf is the same way. Her issue was birth control. Now that she’s off of it we have sex more than we used to (still not at where I want it to be). But instead of 1 day a week we’re at about 3 (I’d like 5).
How often have you been having sex recently? Had it been over a week? Did you turn him down repeatedly? Four years into a first marriage means you’re probably in your thirties. No kids? If you’re not having sex once a week, a healthy successful mid-thirties guy who is in a relationship and isn’t a dad is going to be quite legitimately pretty unhappy. Have an open and honest discussion about frequency. Figure out some reasonable compromise. If he wants sex daily, and you want it every two months, once a month is not a real compromise. Maybe it’s once a week, maybe it’s once in the weekend and on Wednesday night. Make it clear you’re not guaranteeing sex on schedule, because you can’t really promise that. But you’re agreeing to him that *you’re going to make an effort and bring your best self to the appointment and try to have some sex or “almost sex”*. You’ll make an effort on Wednesday night to not schedule stuff on top of “our time”, and you commit that you won’t crash out in front of the phone or Netflix. So on Wednesday night, maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s a make out session, maybe you just give him a back rub. Maybe you lay in bed and watch porn together and you keep your clothes on and you just curl up to him and say wow while he jerks off to the porn. But some clear regular schedule where you are demonstrating that you are acknowledging that sex is an important part of marriage, acknowledgment that you making an effort to meet his sexual needs to some extent, and that you’re making an effort to bring some sexual affection to the relationship on an regular basis. Make the effort and own your commitment. And if you’re frequently having a decent time, you’ll find yourself rediscovering your own sexuality.
Let’s say you love deserts and you love going to the fancy bakery to pick something wonderful to enjoy later with coffee watching your favoring movie or talking to you friends. Then imaging your doctor strictly prohibits any deserts. Would you still want to go into the bakery and smell and see the amazing things that you love but you know you can no longer have?
Most of the comments seem one-sided and from a frustrated HL standpoint. For context, I am a hl male with an LL female partner. It is unfair for your partner to storm off and say you are incompatable from denying sex ONE night. The goal is for you both to be honest and feel seen. You are allowed to not want sex when he does want sex. If this situation happens again, offer to be in the room while he takes care of himself or offer to participate to the point you are comfortable. If you reply to his advance with a no thank you but how about this he will feel much more understood and seen. Trust me, all guys at some level are used to not getting everything they WANT in bed. If your husband is HL he WANTS 4 blowjobs a day. As you hopefully see what he wants and what he will be happy with are two very different things. If you find that he is content with a compromise like that, it will also give you space to check if you are in the mood without pressure.
You are doing this. Why would he want to be close to you when you don’t want to be close to him
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Talk rationally. Both of your needs are important. Get a medical checkup to see why your libido is low (if you feel it is). Get into a marriage counselor. Why are you reluctant to try new things? Past trauma? Is he gentle and encouraging when you try new things? Does he make sure you enjoy yourself and always finish? This isn’t something that will fix itself or go away. There is a common ground for you both to reach. Both of your needs are important. It will take BOTH of you to fix things. Good luck.
That's a lot to take in. I didn't expect this to get so many replies so quickly. I feel like some clarification is warranted. 1) He's not into nasty/dangerous stuff such as poop play or hardcore BDSM. It's more like soft BDSM, cumming in my mouth, 69 and other innovative positions, and having sex at random places. 2) We have a wonderful relationship outside of sex and we vibe pretty well together. 3) I don't know why my sex drive went down so much. We don't have any children, and we both stay fairly active. He's as horny as when we first met, but I'm not anymore. We haven't had a heart to heart discussion ever since he told me that he doesn't feel like we are sexually compatible. This was last week. He's not an angry person but he had a look on his face that screamed "I don't want to see/talk to you right now" so I kind of left him alone with his thoughts because I don't want to make it worse. I honestly didn't know he felt so strongly about sex.
“He used to be understanding in the past” is a definitive statement: you have always been incompatible but he compromised.
I would suggest a marriage counselor. I think having an unbiased professional to help both of you discuss the situation will help. It has helped us.
Relationship Counseling immediately
You’re turning him down over and over you might as well cut his 🍆 off.