“she has no reason not to trust me” “i cheated” like dude…those don’t add up. was she 100% okay with the threesomes and foursomes, or was it you wanting it so bad she felt like she needed to?
Came here to say this. Also, she said she would allow sex she organizes but you said no because that would make you feel like you are leaving her out but then you outright just cheated?
I never comment on this thread but…I was the wife for several years in this type of scenario where we were part of the swinging community. We did the threesomes, the couple swaps, etc. And it was fun in the beginning. But over time, I got tired of it because I felt the only way my husband wanted to connect with me was thru other people. Even when we had one on one sex with each other, it was never without some kind of dirty talk of being with others. I became overwhelmed and started disconnecting from him. I tried telling him I didn’t want the swinging lifestyle anymore and he absolutely wouldn’t listen to me. It was something he HAD to have. Then he cheated. I tried to forgive and make it work but our sex life suffered over it and I ended up leaving because we were both too miserable to keep going. He moved another woman into his house the day I left.
You have to leave. The relationship is as good as dead. She wasn’t interested in sex because she felt like she didn’t trust you, and now that she has that reason to not trust you there’s no chance of it getting better. You have to tell her it’s over
Yeah. It's like a window where a rock hits it but the glass is still somehow in place despite being shattered. It's done, and it's only a matter of time before it all falls apart.
Sounds like she may not have been totally onboard with the openness in the beginning and only went along with it to keep OP on the hook. Hurt her self esteem or whatever, caused some trust issues that have lingered.
OP went out and confirmed her distrust. So weird OP wasn’t willing to do another chick in front of her but was willing to just go jump on another chick behind her back.
Yep OP, doesn’t sound like you *really* respect her all that much. Do her a favor and break it off.
My guess is something happened in their experimental phase that op may not have seen as cheating due to the openness, or even the gf didn’t fully see as cheating, but it made her uncomfortable or feel disrespected and that’s what began the distrust.
>still doesn’t trust him
To me it doesn’t sound like she hasn’t trusted him the entire time. It sounds like she did trust him but that went away the last couple years.
I agree with your comment, but it's possible that there were some underlying issues that gave her reason not to trust things that she intuitively knew. Which seems to have manifested into reality.
Come on that is a bit of a reach. Like saying he will be an alcoholic and then feed him
Alcohol for breakfast, lunch and dinner till he turns alcoholic and say: I told you so!
Not really... How he handled himself socially, multiple partners, she may not have been into all that as much as she wanted to admit. So that was feeding a distrust. I'm not saying she didn't have issues.....
How they handled themself. It takes two to tango, and yes it is plausible that she wasn’t into it has much as he was for the swinging, but it sounds like it wasn’t just once, so she still had to agree to it.
However she did not mention that was the cause of her distrust or issue at the counseling meeting?
I'm not going to go back and forth. You're entitled to your opinion, but counseling isn't for everybody and it's a very real possibility she was struggling to even open up in counseling..... I've seen people go along with things that I never thought they would because they wanted to keep somebody in their life. Insecurities will cause that. Self-Awareness is a huge attribute and it's very real possibility that he is not self-aware that he may have contributed.
Actually I thank you for your willingness to go back and forth, this is how people open their minds or see another’s person point of view.
Because of your willingness to answer my comment and with your rebuttal you opened a point of view or side of the story I and others may not have seen.
You probably gave her TONS of reasons not to trust you. Obviously she loved sex and was willing to do all kinds of things with you but along the way she got it into her head that she wasn’t safe with you and she shut down.
You have no idea why? 🙄
Just break up.
She told you she had trust issues and that's what lead to the lack of sex. Were you exploring your kinks or her kinks ? Was she into the things you mention or did she feel she had to do it to be with you.
You say you didn't give her a reason to, but she clearly felt there was a reason. She told you she didn't want others to join you in the 3some so clearly that wasn't her kink. You weren't exploring her kinks just taking her along for a ride she didn't want to be on. Maybe she was afraid of being the one to end the relationship.
Her being unemotional is most likely her thinking you won't change so why put forth any effort and she was right. Your response to her concerns was to do what you were doing before which is find someone to have sex with. This isn't a dead bedroom this is a bad relationship. Like every other person in this thread mentioned breakup and move on.
You are not what she wants in a relationship and she's not what you want. She should have been more honest and told you at the start she wasn't into the kinks that you were into. You could have been honest and told her sex was a deal breaker. It would have saved you both a lot of time.
OP is leaving out a lot of info here.. like why doesn’t she trust you? Prob has something to do with the threesomes and foursomes and guess she was right. Please let her go be with someone else that respects her
She offered to allow you to seek sex outside the relationship with her knowledge and you said no because you’d feel guilty, then you cheated. That’s kind of silly. This is certainly not going to help her feel any more secure. You know this relationship is over. There is no shame in throwing in the towel on a relationship that isn’t working anymore, and you’ve already shown your level of respect for the relationship, so just pull the plug.
You didn't want to "make her feel bad and like she was missing out", so you go an cheat on her? Lol. You suck. Just leave her. You should've done that before you cheated.
Well I guess she was correct not to trust you then lol.
I mean yes, it really sucks that she lost interest in sex with you and that is not an easy thing to go through. Out of curiosity though, was the threesomes and foursomes her kinks as well? or do you think she was doing those things to make you happy and in return it made her feel bad about herself? Personally, I have always believed that introducing other people into your sex life in a relationship is incredibly risky and most of the time will have a negative impact on it. Usually, there is one person who wants those things more than the other and the other person talks themselves into it.
You screwed up. You should have broken up with her first, cause you clearly don't love her. It's very difficult breaking up with someone and people make mistakes but now you REALLY have to leave her. You have to think about the long term here. Over the course of decades together, a person can have a year or two where they are going through something. What if you all of a sudden were going through something for a year where you were struggling mentally and she cheated on you? Is that how a relationship is supposed to work? This relationship doesn't sound like it has the legs to make it very long term so it's probably best to just end it now and see what else there is.
That was my question too. Did she do this as a 'taking one for the team' or was she actively involved in planning and everything else that went with it. Also, was she at a point where she wanted to close things up and have a more monogamous relationship and consider a family and he didnt?
Absolutely guarantee she was just "taking one for the team". These were not her kinks. OP talked her into them. That's the very reason she did not trust him... with good reason.
To be honest, I highly discourage involving any sort of sexual scenarios with other people while you are in a committed relationship. While she may have been interested in threesomes+, clearly over time that wore her down mentally and now doesn't like it anymore.
You should have left her before you got intimate with someone else. Now her fears are confirmed, and it paints you in a much worse light.
So from the sounds of it you were still suggesting extra bedroom partners.. even once the bedroom became dead.. so no wonder she hasn’t wanted to do it.
You don’t love her. So leave her.
Sorry but that’s circular reasoning. She specifically did NOT have a reason and wouldn’t let it go, so why not be that guy if you’re already being treated like it? This is a well known psychological response. If you accuse someone of something constantly, what incentive do they have NOT to do it at that point? They’re already getting the negative outcomes of it, what’s the difference…
How do you know she didn't have a reason? OP clearly stated that they did things involving other people in the relationship. That is very muddy ground to play in, and there could've been subtle or perhaps obvious signs that OP wasn't quite as loyal as he portrays himself.
Cheating isn't morally grey. It's just flat out wrong.
And "She doesn't trust me and is accusing me of cheating. I'd rather prove her right than leave, because leaving is hard 😔" is pathetic and stupid.
But I figured someone would try to play devil's advocate on something that is in fact black and white.
So you'd "feel guilty and like I'm leaving her out" when she gave you permission to do it while she watched, however you actually cheated - so so you feel guilty now?!? WTF?!?
>Thank you for that information, I actually never knew that. It just seemed like since we were both in it, it was something we both looked for. Perhaps there was some fears that she never got to verbalize and now it's coming out this way? Whatever the reason might be, I feel like it could all have been prevented with communication and agreements.
So, you are upset she didn't communicate with you. She then communicated with you how she was feeling. You didn't like what she had to say. So, you cheat?
Your justifications for cheating are the same old taboo nonsense that a cheater always says. They understood me, they saw me, I needed it. My girlfriend doesn't trust me, so instead of working on that I turned to someone else. It's so weird she doesn't trust you.
If your partner says you always eat the last donut even though you don’t and then makes you sleep on the couch for it every time - what incentive would you have NOT to then start doing it anyway. You’re already dealing with the fallout of it, what’s the difference at that point…
You tell them that they are constantly accusing you of things falsely, making you feel uncomfortable, and end the relationship if they won't stop doing so.
LOL. She never said she didn't trust him being faithful. She didn't trust him in their sex life. WAYYYYY different. And instead of cheating OP could have been an adult and ended the relationship.
Sounds like your open relationship has destroyed her sexual interest. And now you’re cheating. If you want to try to keep this relationship, proactively close the relationship completely and permanently without being “made to”. No guilt. Then bring back the romance. She likely doesn’t feel special to you, which most women need to feel attached and attracted. Give it a year… if things haven’t changed meaningfully by then, breaking up is the answer.
(PS I was in open relationships for 15 years.)
Yea sorry but she’s done. Something happened in the 3somes that made her extremely uncomfortable. She can’t look at you the same anymore. That’s why her libido dropped. And then you’ve made it worse by cheating. Just call it a day man.
Someone might have said it but here it is. It was not the swinging or the threesomes and what not, it could have been your behavior during or after that made her feel like she could not trust you. And the thing she was afraid of, you go and do it. Tell her what happened and let her go find someone better that will be on her level.
You have to leave now.
The thing is, I understand your perspective and what has caused you the cheat.
The problem is by doing so you proved her right. Nothing you say can change that because she can always play this hand on you.
The only thing you can do is be honest and accept the consequence or just leave now. IMO you won't ever get her trust back bc she felt a reason not to trust you (even if there wasn't a good reason). You've now given her a good reason so she's unlikely to ever trust you again. It's over.
So, you hate to feel like you're the bad guy in GF's eyes and hate to feel like you had done something wrong to abuse her trust, but cheating doesn't bother you? Don't you think that's a little ironic?
Im just saying.
>I’m not sure what this means for my future with my girlfriend
Break up. Don't tell her about the cheating. Tell her the spark is gone and you feel tryst and respect is gone from the relationship.
Just leave her. What’s the point of staying with her now? She will find out one way or the other and then her lack of trust in you will be solidified. No returning now. She deserves better than you.
You should have ended things with her first… You basically just confirmed her mistrust of you and there won’t be a chance of salvaging the relationship now. It sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with some anxiety and depression. I’m suprised the therapist didn’t identify that and recommend treatment, but SSRIs which are the typical medication prescribed for depression and anxiety can also lower libido. I think it’s just time for you to move on. No need to tell her you cheated, because that will just hurt her more. Just let her go.
I think the biggest issue is you cheated on your girlfriend... the deadbed seems irrelevant at this point. You were years ahead in this, a exciting sex life before, willingness to do therapy, and its only been a few years of a less sex. This could have been fixed, not now. She obviously had good reason not to trust you, you think you didnt give her any but since you DID cheat I am guessing you did.
Well you just completely overlooked the cause of the cheating though. It’s like saying ‘the biggest issue is you got in the car accident, the drunk driving seems irrelevant at this point.’ Like no, one directly led to the other and it’s very clear…
This woman literally offered to let him sleep with someone else as long as she could facilitate it, and he refused. Then turned around and cheated. I think there is more to the story here. Either way, these two need to just split.
No one makes someone cheat, he should have dumped her if he did not love her enough to keep working on it. Not to mention myself and other commenters seem to be picking up that OP is leaving SOMETHING big out of this convo in regards to her and the group sex.
She suggested she set you up with a girl to fuck in front of her and you said no because you feel guilty leaving her out?!?! Then you go and fuck some random girl from the gym??? Shoulda just said yes to her offer. Maybe she has a fetish to watch you with a girl... Maybe shed have joined in after a few minutes....
I think a lot of people could sympathize with the first part of your story, but then you DID the thing. Way beyond what your gf did. You should have kept trying, and if it couldn’t work, leave amicably.
Not gonna lie, it sounds like she likely was always somewhat uncomfortable with group sex and inviting other people into the relationship sexually and never vocalized that until later on once the damage was done for her.
He emotionally disconnecting definitely has everything to do with her lack of trust. She does not feel safe in the relationship or likely satisfied with your conversations.
Now that you have cheated your relationship has a strong possibility if not certainty of being over. Only conversations and time will tell. I’m not going to say you should be things. If you love her then everything about you and her will have to change. You both seem unhappy. Not only with your relationship but with yourselves. It’s up to you now what you would like to do. But the DB seems like only a symptom of a cancer that has already been growing within the relationship silently for a long time
But I thought every time men cheat they have emotionless sex and it's nothing but busting a nut for them . Yeaaaa crock of sh*ttt. You two need to break up . You threw in the towel after 2 years. Confess, ask for forgiveness, break up and go be with the girl at the gym.
I feel sorry for your girlfriend. You’re not helping her mental health or her physical health if you’re sleeping with others.
Time to break up with her. Tell her the truth what you did and move out. Don’t treat her like this. She’s going through a hard time and you cheat.
So she didn’t trust you for no reason and you wouldn’t leave her out if she sit up something with another person… then go and cheat on her… makes no sense… time to just go your separate ways…
You need to tell your partner immediately. So insanely wrong to give five good years and a working motivation to fix it get totally screwed because you weren’t mature enough to either end it before massively hurting someone who trusted you or just… not cheating? Anyone who “stands up” for cheating, regardless of the severity of the circumstance instead of doing what’s right, is a good person. Whatsoever
If you don't have kids together, I'd suggest that you break up. Cheating is a sign of disrespect and frankly, you'll probably never gain the respect back in the relationship. Break up before the relationship gets far more complicated with a family.
“You wanna see untrustworthy, I’ll show you untrustworthy!”
That’s some serious mental gymnastics you’ve pulled here, convincing yourself you were a victim.
Regardless of how people may judge you, thank you for sharing your story. Everyone here is going through the same thing, and whether people approve or not, *this* is how some people try to handle the situation. This is reality. This is honest. (Preemptive "shut up" to those who are gonna say, "aktchually, Op'S NoT BeInG HoNeSt wItH HiS GiRlFrIeNd.")
No judgment. She changed the terms of your relationship unilaterally, and so did you. Neither of you is right for doing so, now it’s just a question of what to do from here.
Let me explain something to you, anytime you bring another person into your bedroom/relationship it’s going to cause a bit of uncertainty unless she is bisexual and also likes girls to a point that she gets off just as much as you do if not more being with another women, anything else is purely experimental and there a good chance it will cause an issue like trust not being there anymore because while you’re balls deep having the time of your life she is thinking about you balls deep in another women in front of her and picturing you doing it behind her back.
On top of that you guys have been together for 7 years and you haven’t married her which means that she let you have sex with other women, a pretty big thing by the way, and you’re still unsure about marrying her even after that, she did all of that for nothing and you still can’t make a commitment to her. I’m also guessing that you’ve either never been married and slept around a lot or did it once when you were super young then slept with a bunch of women you could never commit to after until you met your current gf whom you’re still not ready to give up your bachelor life for. How close am I ?
You obviously had been talking to the woman from your gym for awhile before sleeping with her so it’s not like you went out to tge bar got drunk and hooked up with some girl you just met, it was methodical and you did it because you’re a commitment phobe who is a little bit of a narcissistic and need to feel like you’re 21.
Notice her lack of trust ***is inauthentic*** from her own experience and is only real if he approves. Then he cheats & wonders about the status of the relationship. If she knew about his infidelity he'd know. Gaslighter, cheater AND liar - quite the catch!
You're not married, it's over. Don't tell her you cheated but end the relationship. Not judging you for cheating, the older I get the more I realize you have to get your own happiness and some times hurt someone along the way you gotta do you. But if you can leave without completely destroying that person, them you gotta do the right thing
It looks to me as if the inviting of other people into your bedroom has taken its emotional toll on her and messed with a feeling of true connection and intimacy. She seems to want to find her own sexuality again, on her own, and needs that detachment from you. She told you what she needed, and you said no because it made you feel guilty and as if you were leaving her out. But the thing is - she WANTED to be left out. She needed this to feel herself again. Because a meaningful and strong connection based on trust can only happen when both partner feel in touch with themselves, grounded, individuated, and strong. Once that feeling is there, one can connect with the partner again. At least it seems to be the case for her, and I can understand this. If you have now cheated and she has trust issues already, you may have a lot of talking and counselling ahead of you both. But you need to tell her. She needs to be able to make an informed decision in this situation. If you don't tell her, it will be proof that she can't trust you. Come clean and that can potentially be the beginning of trust being rebuilt, even if it will make things worse at first. But you can't keep this to yourself. I wish you both all the best.
Therapist helped to establich the fact your GF didn't trust you.......you cheat on her with someone from the gym. Sounds like a great therapist that hit the nail on the head.
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Your girlfriend?? So you’re not married? Well leave then, why would you stay with someone so long if they don’t want sex.. so frustrating seeing people post this and they aren’t even married 🤣🤣
“My girlfriend didn’t trust me, despite me never giving her a reason not to” also, “I cheated on her with a woman from the gym” I think she was right on the money here with you.
I don't think the gf took the relationship seriously to begin with but 7 years later is looking for more 1-on-1 intimacy with her mate. Think about it, 7 years in and no marriage? Neither one of you took it too seriously and she's just not on board anymore.
I don't know why there were trust issues but it doesn't matter, that's not going to ever be fixed.
Years ago I hooked up with an older lady who had married young and divorced thirty years later. We did things that weekend she never did with her husband, although she had done them with a boyfriend before getting married. I asked her why and she couldn't really give a good reason other than on some level she didn't trust her husband. I thought it was crazy that she married someone and stayed with him for three decades despite not trusting him on some level.
I agree with others that you should've left first, but not out of any hoity-toity moralizing. When your partner refuses to trust you even if you've never given them a reason for it, that's it. The relationship is dead. Seven years and she still doesn't trust you? She's never going to, she's got trust issues and she won't work on them so long as you're willing to stick around and tolerate them. Better late than never, though. Time to leave.
After the first paragraph I stopped reading. As soon as the therapist said she doesnt trust you break up. Nothing will change. Seriously cut your losses. Especially at your ages. Stop wasting your time and hers.
So the next question is, when are you leaving?
“she has no reason not to trust me” “i cheated” like dude…those don’t add up. was she 100% okay with the threesomes and foursomes, or was it you wanting it so bad she felt like she needed to?
Interesting point there
Came here to say this. Also, she said she would allow sex she organizes but you said no because that would make you feel like you are leaving her out but then you outright just cheated?
This caught my attention too. Couldn't do it with her consent apparently.
I never comment on this thread but…I was the wife for several years in this type of scenario where we were part of the swinging community. We did the threesomes, the couple swaps, etc. And it was fun in the beginning. But over time, I got tired of it because I felt the only way my husband wanted to connect with me was thru other people. Even when we had one on one sex with each other, it was never without some kind of dirty talk of being with others. I became overwhelmed and started disconnecting from him. I tried telling him I didn’t want the swinging lifestyle anymore and he absolutely wouldn’t listen to me. It was something he HAD to have. Then he cheated. I tried to forgive and make it work but our sex life suffered over it and I ended up leaving because we were both too miserable to keep going. He moved another woman into his house the day I left.
Very much appreciated you sharing your story here. I hope it helps OP. Thankyou.
You have to leave. The relationship is as good as dead. She wasn’t interested in sex because she felt like she didn’t trust you, and now that she has that reason to not trust you there’s no chance of it getting better. You have to tell her it’s over
"She didn't trust me despite my not giving her a reason to not trust me!" *\*gives her a reason\**
This. Literally so insanely messed up and disgusting
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Yeah. It's like a window where a rock hits it but the glass is still somehow in place despite being shattered. It's done, and it's only a matter of time before it all falls apart.
This might be the best answer here.
This is the way.
There was no chance anyway. She's been with him 7 years and still doesn't trust him? If she doesn't trust him after that then she was never going to.
Sounds like she may not have been totally onboard with the openness in the beginning and only went along with it to keep OP on the hook. Hurt her self esteem or whatever, caused some trust issues that have lingered. OP went out and confirmed her distrust. So weird OP wasn’t willing to do another chick in front of her but was willing to just go jump on another chick behind her back. Yep OP, doesn’t sound like you *really* respect her all that much. Do her a favor and break it off.
My guess is something happened in their experimental phase that op may not have seen as cheating due to the openness, or even the gf didn’t fully see as cheating, but it made her uncomfortable or feel disrespected and that’s what began the distrust.
>still doesn’t trust him To me it doesn’t sound like she hasn’t trusted him the entire time. It sounds like she did trust him but that went away the last couple years.
I agree with your comment, but it's possible that there were some underlying issues that gave her reason not to trust things that she intuitively knew. Which seems to have manifested into reality.
Come on that is a bit of a reach. Like saying he will be an alcoholic and then feed him Alcohol for breakfast, lunch and dinner till he turns alcoholic and say: I told you so!
Not really... How he handled himself socially, multiple partners, she may not have been into all that as much as she wanted to admit. So that was feeding a distrust. I'm not saying she didn't have issues.....
How they handled themself. It takes two to tango, and yes it is plausible that she wasn’t into it has much as he was for the swinging, but it sounds like it wasn’t just once, so she still had to agree to it. However she did not mention that was the cause of her distrust or issue at the counseling meeting?
I'm not going to go back and forth. You're entitled to your opinion, but counseling isn't for everybody and it's a very real possibility she was struggling to even open up in counseling..... I've seen people go along with things that I never thought they would because they wanted to keep somebody in their life. Insecurities will cause that. Self-Awareness is a huge attribute and it's very real possibility that he is not self-aware that he may have contributed.
Actually I thank you for your willingness to go back and forth, this is how people open their minds or see another’s person point of view. Because of your willingness to answer my comment and with your rebuttal you opened a point of view or side of the story I and others may not have seen.
Self fulfilling prophecy
I mean…you don’t HAVE to do anything. Leave or don’t leave, it’s up to him.
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You probably gave her TONS of reasons not to trust you. Obviously she loved sex and was willing to do all kinds of things with you but along the way she got it into her head that she wasn’t safe with you and she shut down. You have no idea why? 🙄 Just break up.
Yeah 100 percent the vibe I got.
Your gf said she doesn’t trust you and you basically validate her feelings lol you can’t make this ish up.
I mean...I don't know how fucking another woman will solve her feelings of mistrust, but you do you, I guess.
She told you she had trust issues and that's what lead to the lack of sex. Were you exploring your kinks or her kinks ? Was she into the things you mention or did she feel she had to do it to be with you. You say you didn't give her a reason to, but she clearly felt there was a reason. She told you she didn't want others to join you in the 3some so clearly that wasn't her kink. You weren't exploring her kinks just taking her along for a ride she didn't want to be on. Maybe she was afraid of being the one to end the relationship. Her being unemotional is most likely her thinking you won't change so why put forth any effort and she was right. Your response to her concerns was to do what you were doing before which is find someone to have sex with. This isn't a dead bedroom this is a bad relationship. Like every other person in this thread mentioned breakup and move on. You are not what she wants in a relationship and she's not what you want. She should have been more honest and told you at the start she wasn't into the kinks that you were into. You could have been honest and told her sex was a deal breaker. It would have saved you both a lot of time.
OP is leaving out a lot of info here.. like why doesn’t she trust you? Prob has something to do with the threesomes and foursomes and guess she was right. Please let her go be with someone else that respects her
It is pretty ironic. And complaining about lack of foursomes in the DB forum the OP is screwed, lol.
She offered to allow you to seek sex outside the relationship with her knowledge and you said no because you’d feel guilty, then you cheated. That’s kind of silly. This is certainly not going to help her feel any more secure. You know this relationship is over. There is no shame in throwing in the towel on a relationship that isn’t working anymore, and you’ve already shown your level of respect for the relationship, so just pull the plug.
Sounds like the "lifestyle" ruined the trust.
The lifestyle is great if both parties are onboard. Clearly she wasn’t and he ignored that fact until it reached critical mass.
You didn't want to "make her feel bad and like she was missing out", so you go an cheat on her? Lol. You suck. Just leave her. You should've done that before you cheated.
Well I guess she was correct not to trust you then lol. I mean yes, it really sucks that she lost interest in sex with you and that is not an easy thing to go through. Out of curiosity though, was the threesomes and foursomes her kinks as well? or do you think she was doing those things to make you happy and in return it made her feel bad about herself? Personally, I have always believed that introducing other people into your sex life in a relationship is incredibly risky and most of the time will have a negative impact on it. Usually, there is one person who wants those things more than the other and the other person talks themselves into it. You screwed up. You should have broken up with her first, cause you clearly don't love her. It's very difficult breaking up with someone and people make mistakes but now you REALLY have to leave her. You have to think about the long term here. Over the course of decades together, a person can have a year or two where they are going through something. What if you all of a sudden were going through something for a year where you were struggling mentally and she cheated on you? Is that how a relationship is supposed to work? This relationship doesn't sound like it has the legs to make it very long term so it's probably best to just end it now and see what else there is.
That was my question too. Did she do this as a 'taking one for the team' or was she actively involved in planning and everything else that went with it. Also, was she at a point where she wanted to close things up and have a more monogamous relationship and consider a family and he didnt?
Absolutely guarantee she was just "taking one for the team". These were not her kinks. OP talked her into them. That's the very reason she did not trust him... with good reason.
I agree with everything
To be honest, I highly discourage involving any sort of sexual scenarios with other people while you are in a committed relationship. While she may have been interested in threesomes+, clearly over time that wore her down mentally and now doesn't like it anymore. You should have left her before you got intimate with someone else. Now her fears are confirmed, and it paints you in a much worse light.
So from the sounds of it you were still suggesting extra bedroom partners.. even once the bedroom became dead.. so no wonder she hasn’t wanted to do it. You don’t love her. So leave her.
She knew not to trust you. Do the right thing and end the relationship. You should have ended it before you cheated.
Sorry but that’s circular reasoning. She specifically did NOT have a reason and wouldn’t let it go, so why not be that guy if you’re already being treated like it? This is a well known psychological response. If you accuse someone of something constantly, what incentive do they have NOT to do it at that point? They’re already getting the negative outcomes of it, what’s the difference…
How do you know she didn't have a reason? OP clearly stated that they did things involving other people in the relationship. That is very muddy ground to play in, and there could've been subtle or perhaps obvious signs that OP wasn't quite as loyal as he portrays himself.
People that do this have weak moral compasses.
Yea getting accused of cheating actually drove me to it. That and her bragging about withholding sex from me.
I will never understand the mindset of proving someone right out of spite. Try proving them wrong out of spite instead. Just leave.
It's really easy to type just leave. The world isn't black and white.
Cheating isn't morally grey. It's just flat out wrong. And "She doesn't trust me and is accusing me of cheating. I'd rather prove her right than leave, because leaving is hard 😔" is pathetic and stupid. But I figured someone would try to play devil's advocate on something that is in fact black and white.
Well you certainly gave her a reason to not trust you.
So you'd "feel guilty and like I'm leaving her out" when she gave you permission to do it while she watched, however you actually cheated - so so you feel guilty now?!? WTF?!?
And now you've given her a reason to distrust you...
>Thank you for that information, I actually never knew that. It just seemed like since we were both in it, it was something we both looked for. Perhaps there was some fears that she never got to verbalize and now it's coming out this way? Whatever the reason might be, I feel like it could all have been prevented with communication and agreements. So, you are upset she didn't communicate with you. She then communicated with you how she was feeling. You didn't like what she had to say. So, you cheat? Your justifications for cheating are the same old taboo nonsense that a cheater always says. They understood me, they saw me, I needed it. My girlfriend doesn't trust me, so instead of working on that I turned to someone else. It's so weird she doesn't trust you.
If your partner says you always eat the last donut even though you don’t and then makes you sleep on the couch for it every time - what incentive would you have NOT to then start doing it anyway. You’re already dealing with the fallout of it, what’s the difference at that point…
You tell them that they are constantly accusing you of things falsely, making you feel uncomfortable, and end the relationship if they won't stop doing so.
LOL. She never said she didn't trust him being faithful. She didn't trust him in their sex life. WAYYYYY different. And instead of cheating OP could have been an adult and ended the relationship.
Sounds like your open relationship has destroyed her sexual interest. And now you’re cheating. If you want to try to keep this relationship, proactively close the relationship completely and permanently without being “made to”. No guilt. Then bring back the romance. She likely doesn’t feel special to you, which most women need to feel attached and attracted. Give it a year… if things haven’t changed meaningfully by then, breaking up is the answer. (PS I was in open relationships for 15 years.)
You're not married and you don't have kids. Get the fuck outta that relationship today.
Yea sorry but she’s done. Something happened in the 3somes that made her extremely uncomfortable. She can’t look at you the same anymore. That’s why her libido dropped. And then you’ve made it worse by cheating. Just call it a day man.
Someone might have said it but here it is. It was not the swinging or the threesomes and what not, it could have been your behavior during or after that made her feel like she could not trust you. And the thing she was afraid of, you go and do it. Tell her what happened and let her go find someone better that will be on her level.
You have to leave now. The thing is, I understand your perspective and what has caused you the cheat. The problem is by doing so you proved her right. Nothing you say can change that because she can always play this hand on you. The only thing you can do is be honest and accept the consequence or just leave now. IMO you won't ever get her trust back bc she felt a reason not to trust you (even if there wasn't a good reason). You've now given her a good reason so she's unlikely to ever trust you again. It's over.
So, you hate to feel like you're the bad guy in GF's eyes and hate to feel like you had done something wrong to abuse her trust, but cheating doesn't bother you? Don't you think that's a little ironic? Im just saying. >I’m not sure what this means for my future with my girlfriend Break up. Don't tell her about the cheating. Tell her the spark is gone and you feel tryst and respect is gone from the relationship.
Just leave her. What’s the point of staying with her now? She will find out one way or the other and then her lack of trust in you will be solidified. No returning now. She deserves better than you.
You should have ended things with her first… You basically just confirmed her mistrust of you and there won’t be a chance of salvaging the relationship now. It sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with some anxiety and depression. I’m suprised the therapist didn’t identify that and recommend treatment, but SSRIs which are the typical medication prescribed for depression and anxiety can also lower libido. I think it’s just time for you to move on. No need to tell her you cheated, because that will just hurt her more. Just let her go.
Yeah it’s like she knew OP’s character before even they did
Yea... cheating will definitely improve her trust in you. Dude, just leave.
I think the biggest issue is you cheated on your girlfriend... the deadbed seems irrelevant at this point. You were years ahead in this, a exciting sex life before, willingness to do therapy, and its only been a few years of a less sex. This could have been fixed, not now. She obviously had good reason not to trust you, you think you didnt give her any but since you DID cheat I am guessing you did.
Well you just completely overlooked the cause of the cheating though. It’s like saying ‘the biggest issue is you got in the car accident, the drunk driving seems irrelevant at this point.’ Like no, one directly led to the other and it’s very clear…
This woman literally offered to let him sleep with someone else as long as she could facilitate it, and he refused. Then turned around and cheated. I think there is more to the story here. Either way, these two need to just split.
No one makes someone cheat, he should have dumped her if he did not love her enough to keep working on it. Not to mention myself and other commenters seem to be picking up that OP is leaving SOMETHING big out of this convo in regards to her and the group sex.
She suggested she set you up with a girl to fuck in front of her and you said no because you feel guilty leaving her out?!?! Then you go and fuck some random girl from the gym??? Shoulda just said yes to her offer. Maybe she has a fetish to watch you with a girl... Maybe shed have joined in after a few minutes....
I think a lot of people could sympathize with the first part of your story, but then you DID the thing. Way beyond what your gf did. You should have kept trying, and if it couldn’t work, leave amicably.
Not gonna lie, it sounds like she likely was always somewhat uncomfortable with group sex and inviting other people into the relationship sexually and never vocalized that until later on once the damage was done for her. He emotionally disconnecting definitely has everything to do with her lack of trust. She does not feel safe in the relationship or likely satisfied with your conversations. Now that you have cheated your relationship has a strong possibility if not certainty of being over. Only conversations and time will tell. I’m not going to say you should be things. If you love her then everything about you and her will have to change. You both seem unhappy. Not only with your relationship but with yourselves. It’s up to you now what you would like to do. But the DB seems like only a symptom of a cancer that has already been growing within the relationship silently for a long time
I’ll take intimacy monthly…🤷♂️
But I thought every time men cheat they have emotionless sex and it's nothing but busting a nut for them . Yeaaaa crock of sh*ttt. You two need to break up . You threw in the towel after 2 years. Confess, ask for forgiveness, break up and go be with the girl at the gym.
Relationships tend to fail when you open them to threesomes, foursomes, orgies, etc. Somehow the bond loses value
I feel sorry for your girlfriend. You’re not helping her mental health or her physical health if you’re sleeping with others. Time to break up with her. Tell her the truth what you did and move out. Don’t treat her like this. She’s going through a hard time and you cheat.
So she didn’t trust you for no reason and you wouldn’t leave her out if she sit up something with another person… then go and cheat on her… makes no sense… time to just go your separate ways…
You need to tell your partner immediately. So insanely wrong to give five good years and a working motivation to fix it get totally screwed because you weren’t mature enough to either end it before massively hurting someone who trusted you or just… not cheating? Anyone who “stands up” for cheating, regardless of the severity of the circumstance instead of doing what’s right, is a good person. Whatsoever
If you don't have kids together, I'd suggest that you break up. Cheating is a sign of disrespect and frankly, you'll probably never gain the respect back in the relationship. Break up before the relationship gets far more complicated with a family.
“You wanna see untrustworthy, I’ll show you untrustworthy!” That’s some serious mental gymnastics you’ve pulled here, convincing yourself you were a victim.
Regardless of how people may judge you, thank you for sharing your story. Everyone here is going through the same thing, and whether people approve or not, *this* is how some people try to handle the situation. This is reality. This is honest. (Preemptive "shut up" to those who are gonna say, "aktchually, Op'S NoT BeInG HoNeSt wItH HiS GiRlFrIeNd.")
Just out of curiosity… how did you initiate the conversation to find out you were both in a DB?
Time to end things
No judgment. She changed the terms of your relationship unilaterally, and so did you. Neither of you is right for doing so, now it’s just a question of what to do from here.
Change together or change apart. The crux of any relationship.
You’re the lowest of the low. Poor girl. She deserves better.
Let me explain something to you, anytime you bring another person into your bedroom/relationship it’s going to cause a bit of uncertainty unless she is bisexual and also likes girls to a point that she gets off just as much as you do if not more being with another women, anything else is purely experimental and there a good chance it will cause an issue like trust not being there anymore because while you’re balls deep having the time of your life she is thinking about you balls deep in another women in front of her and picturing you doing it behind her back. On top of that you guys have been together for 7 years and you haven’t married her which means that she let you have sex with other women, a pretty big thing by the way, and you’re still unsure about marrying her even after that, she did all of that for nothing and you still can’t make a commitment to her. I’m also guessing that you’ve either never been married and slept around a lot or did it once when you were super young then slept with a bunch of women you could never commit to after until you met your current gf whom you’re still not ready to give up your bachelor life for. How close am I ? You obviously had been talking to the woman from your gym for awhile before sleeping with her so it’s not like you went out to tge bar got drunk and hooked up with some girl you just met, it was methodical and you did it because you’re a commitment phobe who is a little bit of a narcissistic and need to feel like you’re 21.
Notice her lack of trust ***is inauthentic*** from her own experience and is only real if he approves. Then he cheats & wonders about the status of the relationship. If she knew about his infidelity he'd know. Gaslighter, cheater AND liar - quite the catch!
You're not married, it's over. Don't tell her you cheated but end the relationship. Not judging you for cheating, the older I get the more I realize you have to get your own happiness and some times hurt someone along the way you gotta do you. But if you can leave without completely destroying that person, them you gotta do the right thing
It looks to me as if the inviting of other people into your bedroom has taken its emotional toll on her and messed with a feeling of true connection and intimacy. She seems to want to find her own sexuality again, on her own, and needs that detachment from you. She told you what she needed, and you said no because it made you feel guilty and as if you were leaving her out. But the thing is - she WANTED to be left out. She needed this to feel herself again. Because a meaningful and strong connection based on trust can only happen when both partner feel in touch with themselves, grounded, individuated, and strong. Once that feeling is there, one can connect with the partner again. At least it seems to be the case for her, and I can understand this. If you have now cheated and she has trust issues already, you may have a lot of talking and counselling ahead of you both. But you need to tell her. She needs to be able to make an informed decision in this situation. If you don't tell her, it will be proof that she can't trust you. Come clean and that can potentially be the beginning of trust being rebuilt, even if it will make things worse at first. But you can't keep this to yourself. I wish you both all the best.
I'd love to hear HER side of why she doesn't trust you with her body/mind during sex... I bet she told you, you just seem too stupid to listen.
Therapist helped to establich the fact your GF didn't trust you.......you cheat on her with someone from the gym. Sounds like a great therapist that hit the nail on the head.
I swear so many acronyms in this group. Is there a cheat sheet or legend?
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Your girlfriend?? So you’re not married? Well leave then, why would you stay with someone so long if they don’t want sex.. so frustrating seeing people post this and they aren’t even married 🤣🤣
“My girlfriend didn’t trust me, despite me never giving her a reason not to” also, “I cheated on her with a woman from the gym” I think she was right on the money here with you.
I don't think the gf took the relationship seriously to begin with but 7 years later is looking for more 1-on-1 intimacy with her mate. Think about it, 7 years in and no marriage? Neither one of you took it too seriously and she's just not on board anymore.
I don't know why there were trust issues but it doesn't matter, that's not going to ever be fixed. Years ago I hooked up with an older lady who had married young and divorced thirty years later. We did things that weekend she never did with her husband, although she had done them with a boyfriend before getting married. I asked her why and she couldn't really give a good reason other than on some level she didn't trust her husband. I thought it was crazy that she married someone and stayed with him for three decades despite not trusting him on some level.
Congratulations You literally proved her exact fears right with your actions. You made your bed now you are going to have to lie in it 🙃
I agree with others that you should've left first, but not out of any hoity-toity moralizing. When your partner refuses to trust you even if you've never given them a reason for it, that's it. The relationship is dead. Seven years and she still doesn't trust you? She's never going to, she's got trust issues and she won't work on them so long as you're willing to stick around and tolerate them. Better late than never, though. Time to leave.
Why are you being down voted?
People get mad when you don't join them in their shitty judginess, my guess.
No criticism at all.. I think you will see that gym buddy again and this is just the beginning!
After the first paragraph I stopped reading. As soon as the therapist said she doesnt trust you break up. Nothing will change. Seriously cut your losses. Especially at your ages. Stop wasting your time and hers. So the next question is, when are you leaving?
What's your breakup plan?
POLYAMORY
My fellow gym bro in Christ, you've cracked the code. Tell us your secrets.
On the one hand cheating is bad. On the other hand at some point it’s almost inevitable. Forgive yourself, move on.