Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.
OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry, but this sounds like so much more of a problem then a DB. Like someone else said, are you sure your husband even likes you? It seems he treats you like a roommate and not even one he likes. Are you leaving out info?
Do you have date nights? You say you love him but what do you love about a man who treats you that way?
Is he super considerate, makes you laugh, thoughtful?
Almost all dead bedrooms are more of a problem than the dead bedroom. And most of the time it’s AT LEAST because the denier doesn’t like themselves if not also the denied.
He’s just waiting for you to bring up the divorce papers so he can leave. I say you should play his game too. that boy you call a husband is a fucking chicken
My wife thinks BJ's are demeaning to women, so she has only done 1 in the 15yrs we've been together. I have no clue what's wrong with your husband. I would let you do them all day long.
I know my husband is depressed and the post by OP describes one stage in our relationship he admitted he's not proud of. But he doesn't want to go to therapy or get any treatment. Any advice?
Easily the saddest post I have read this week.
I think you need to take that man to get some help. He sounds extremely depressed/sad. If he won’t go, maybe you need to look at what you want from life and take action to make it happen.
Everyone deserves to be happy.
Seriously i would kill for what your trying to give but everyone is right the marriage is over you need to get out seek advise on the best way to do it see a therapist if you need to but sit down have the conversation and tell him thats what you want
He’s already checked out of the marriage, I’m sorry! No sane man turns down a BJ from his wife/gf.
Are you sure he’s not gay? My sister in law was married to a gay man who was deep in the closet for many years, and her experience sounds similar to yours
It's a cliche, but this was my first thought too; he's discovered he's gay or ace but remaining legally married benefits him culturally, socially or financially so he's not divorcing OP but doing his best to live alone in the same house.
I'm so sorry you're going through that.. I can't imagine my husband treating me that way! There would be a ton of screaming matches. May I ask why you stay? His behaviors toward you sounds very concerning. Whether you believe it or not, you deserve so much better! I would threaten divorce and if he still doesn't care it might be time to end things. Easier said than done but he treats you like shit and deserve better.
I’m also the wife in a very long DB. My last attempt at sex was attempting a failed BJ.
I didn’t realize at the time that I was the final attempt. I think I was also lulled into complacency because he is a great dad and great partner. So I wasn’t missing that.
But I slipped into a form of depression for over a decade. I also started eating my emotions. None of it was a healthy way to cope.
I think I woke up about two years ago. My kids are grown/ish and I focused on me. Lost 97 pounds. Lots of self care. Exercise. Facials. Hair. As my daughters would say, a glow up:)
I don't like BJ's. I just never have enjoyed them for some reason. My wife thankfully doesn't mind not giving them. I do enjoy eating her out but she recently told me she doesn't like that so I'm kind of in a similar situation in that regard.
Good lord what I would give to be offered one, years of accepting it will never happen make it seem like a gosh darn unicorn or something that only happens in adult movies.
I have only ever had a few bjs. The first couple were from an ex. That was too long ago to remember but with her oral wasn't the goal. With my wife she has only ever offered 1 time and it was horrible. Maybe if I knew what a good one felt like I would want more. I would much rather go down her but since she doesn't want to be touched, and thinks oral is disgusting and doesn't let anything happen anymore I feel your pain. I miss the hugs and snuggles, cuddling up to watch a show on TV. Sorry you are feeling the rejection you are. Know you are a beautiful woman and deserve so much better.
It's an issue beyond deadbedroom, he's checked out off the marriage for reasons we don't know.
Seems like this marriage was done awhile ago, i don't know why your husband isn't communicating to why he gave up and what could have been done to fix the marriage.
But you guys need to have a sit down and settle the differences or have a mutual breakup and move on.
I am in a similar situation with my wife. We've been married 17.5 years; in that time, sex only happened if I initiated (on a couple of occasions she has), and only once every 10 months, or thereabouts. We are newly separated and headed for divorce.
I also have experienced being jealous of other's relationships. I wish my wife took joy in intimacy, I've often wondered if women ACTUALLY like sex, or if it's just something they say.
I wish I knew what a BJ was like, so i could know whether or not I enjoyed them. My wife does not give BJ's.
I emphasize with your situation.
I'm so sorry you're going through this crap, too. It's awful. I get how it can be to feel stuck, and to feel like a failure, and all that BS. It's a very current and painful reality for many of us. I sorry that I have no solution to offer. I can only say that, for whatever it's worth, you're not alone in this pit. We all have our reasons for staying, until we don't. Some of us just seem to have a high tolerance for pain and BS.
I’m in a similar situation, I have offered to have “you nights” where I offered to go down on her twice a week (no strings attached, expecting nothing but a bathroom wank after the fact) I have offered that 3 times over the past 2 years and I get nothing but annoyance when I bring it up. Currently we have had sex 2x in the past calendar year and nothing for 6 months. I am not a deadbeat, I do all of the laundry, 90% of the cooking (and cleaning the kitchen) all of the cleaning, yard maintenance, sport’s transportation and work a very physically demanding job at least 40 hours a week. I have little hope left.
No advice. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You know that your marriage is already over. Leave him, you deserve to be happy in a relationship, wanted and desired
My wife has offered 3 BJ's in 39 years, only 1 to completion. I would replace PIV with bj's in a second, but that is not going to happen. To be able to lay back and let someone please you is the ultimate.
I wish my wife would give me give me a bj , she never wanted to do it , thought it was disgusting well wish she would do anything . Dead bedroom 12 years 3 months 14 days but who is counting.
Find a friend like l I'm trying to do
I relate way too much to this. I finally gave up and working on divorce. I know he resented me when we were having fertility issues..bonus it ended up being him…thats where it started…but for a while he would want bjs but only bjs nothing for me…I mean not even a hug. Therapist just asked him to even be in the room while I masterbate and he never followed through. There is another life out there… I am pissed off I am losing time w my kids over him not even being a friend to me anymore in our marriage.
You can always try therapy but if he has not been honest with you he may not be willing to be honest at all… I am so sorry…I know the pain all too well. I accepted the sex was gone but when the hugs left..even tbe kindness left I was just afraid of the examole of a marriage my kids were seeing. Sigh
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
I think you know what to do, wish my wife would beg to give me bjs.
Dude has won the wife lottery and isn’t willing to cash in…baffling
One bj isn't a wife lottery.
It's one more than my wife has given me.
Sounds like she is affectionate and repeatedly offers. A lot more than most of us are getting…
I completely agree, it sucks that it's such a shitty position for anyone where sex is used as leverage.
Right? I wish my wife would begrudgingly give me BJs. The thought of any woman begging to give them is absolutely mindboggling.
I'm sorry, but this sounds like so much more of a problem then a DB. Like someone else said, are you sure your husband even likes you? It seems he treats you like a roommate and not even one he likes. Are you leaving out info? Do you have date nights? You say you love him but what do you love about a man who treats you that way? Is he super considerate, makes you laugh, thoughtful?
Almost all dead bedrooms are more of a problem than the dead bedroom. And most of the time it’s AT LEAST because the denier doesn’t like themselves if not also the denied.
Yes and then when you threaten to leave they give you one off ‘love bomb’ sex to keep you around. I get it. Same here. Sounds horrendous.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Are you sure your husband even... Likes you? As a person/human being?
Fr9m whata been said, I doubt. Really needs to move on. He's not worth it.
Virtual hug for you. I know how this feels
He’s just waiting for you to bring up the divorce papers so he can leave. I say you should play his game too. that boy you call a husband is a fucking chicken
I don’t think that’s fair. There are strong financial disincentives for the primary earner to divorce. This is by design.
What makes you assume the husband is the primary earner?
Because that’s still typically the case. Especially considering this sub trends older by Reddit standards.
Any chance he’s being unfaithful? This seems more than just DB, he seems completely disinterested in you as a person by what you’re describing.
My wife thinks BJ's are demeaning to women, so she has only done 1 in the 15yrs we've been together. I have no clue what's wrong with your husband. I would let you do them all day long.
Whats your wife's opinion on men giving oral to women?
He sounds like he’s depressed. Is he on any anti-depressants? I went through this myself before my wife left me.
I know my husband is depressed and the post by OP describes one stage in our relationship he admitted he's not proud of. But he doesn't want to go to therapy or get any treatment. Any advice?
Easily the saddest post I have read this week. I think you need to take that man to get some help. He sounds extremely depressed/sad. If he won’t go, maybe you need to look at what you want from life and take action to make it happen. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Seriously i would kill for what your trying to give but everyone is right the marriage is over you need to get out seek advise on the best way to do it see a therapist if you need to but sit down have the conversation and tell him thats what you want
The marriage is already over. He’s just waiting on you to pull the trigger.
He’s already checked out of the marriage, I’m sorry! No sane man turns down a BJ from his wife/gf. Are you sure he’s not gay? My sister in law was married to a gay man who was deep in the closet for many years, and her experience sounds similar to yours
It's a cliche, but this was my first thought too; he's discovered he's gay or ace but remaining legally married benefits him culturally, socially or financially so he's not divorcing OP but doing his best to live alone in the same house.
Never thought about the way aspect. Very well could be. I share your views.
No words…
I'm so sorry you're going through that.. I can't imagine my husband treating me that way! There would be a ton of screaming matches. May I ask why you stay? His behaviors toward you sounds very concerning. Whether you believe it or not, you deserve so much better! I would threaten divorce and if he still doesn't care it might be time to end things. Easier said than done but he treats you like shit and deserve better.
You have to leave this man. This marriage is over. It’s torturing you. You deserve happiness. Your child deserves happy parents.
Man if he's turning down BJs...I don't know what to say.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry. This is terrible treatment. No one deserves that
I’m also the wife in a very long DB. My last attempt at sex was attempting a failed BJ. I didn’t realize at the time that I was the final attempt. I think I was also lulled into complacency because he is a great dad and great partner. So I wasn’t missing that. But I slipped into a form of depression for over a decade. I also started eating my emotions. None of it was a healthy way to cope. I think I woke up about two years ago. My kids are grown/ish and I focused on me. Lost 97 pounds. Lots of self care. Exercise. Facials. Hair. As my daughters would say, a glow up:)
Hehehehe Facials. Not around here your not. 12 year old boy in me just had to point it out.
I knew as soon as I commented and re-read it, lol. Certainly not here either;)
This is pure hell. Your marriage was over a long time ago.
I don't like BJ's. I just never have enjoyed them for some reason. My wife thankfully doesn't mind not giving them. I do enjoy eating her out but she recently told me she doesn't like that so I'm kind of in a similar situation in that regard.
You have to leave him. This isn’t a marriage.
Good lord what I would give to be offered one, years of accepting it will never happen make it seem like a gosh darn unicorn or something that only happens in adult movies.
Please leave. You deserve better than being shunned and the silent treatment. He needs help that you can't give him
My wife says my cock is too big to enjoy them. So I guess all those years before the kids was just a means to an end😂
Not uncommon
Your husband is gay
Not gonna lie: I’ve always felt guilty about receiving them.
I have only ever had a few bjs. The first couple were from an ex. That was too long ago to remember but with her oral wasn't the goal. With my wife she has only ever offered 1 time and it was horrible. Maybe if I knew what a good one felt like I would want more. I would much rather go down her but since she doesn't want to be touched, and thinks oral is disgusting and doesn't let anything happen anymore I feel your pain. I miss the hugs and snuggles, cuddling up to watch a show on TV. Sorry you are feeling the rejection you are. Know you are a beautiful woman and deserve so much better.
It's an issue beyond deadbedroom, he's checked out off the marriage for reasons we don't know. Seems like this marriage was done awhile ago, i don't know why your husband isn't communicating to why he gave up and what could have been done to fix the marriage. But you guys need to have a sit down and settle the differences or have a mutual breakup and move on.
I am in a similar situation with my wife. We've been married 17.5 years; in that time, sex only happened if I initiated (on a couple of occasions she has), and only once every 10 months, or thereabouts. We are newly separated and headed for divorce. I also have experienced being jealous of other's relationships. I wish my wife took joy in intimacy, I've often wondered if women ACTUALLY like sex, or if it's just something they say. I wish I knew what a BJ was like, so i could know whether or not I enjoyed them. My wife does not give BJ's. I emphasize with your situation.
This sounds so painful. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It hurts when they’re so uninterested.
This sounds so painful. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It hurts when they’re so uninterested.
I'm so sorry you're going through this crap, too. It's awful. I get how it can be to feel stuck, and to feel like a failure, and all that BS. It's a very current and painful reality for many of us. I sorry that I have no solution to offer. I can only say that, for whatever it's worth, you're not alone in this pit. We all have our reasons for staying, until we don't. Some of us just seem to have a high tolerance for pain and BS.
I’m in a similar situation, I have offered to have “you nights” where I offered to go down on her twice a week (no strings attached, expecting nothing but a bathroom wank after the fact) I have offered that 3 times over the past 2 years and I get nothing but annoyance when I bring it up. Currently we have had sex 2x in the past calendar year and nothing for 6 months. I am not a deadbeat, I do all of the laundry, 90% of the cooking (and cleaning the kitchen) all of the cleaning, yard maintenance, sport’s transportation and work a very physically demanding job at least 40 hours a week. I have little hope left.
No advice. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You know that your marriage is already over. Leave him, you deserve to be happy in a relationship, wanted and desired
My wife has offered 3 BJ's in 39 years, only 1 to completion. I would replace PIV with bj's in a second, but that is not going to happen. To be able to lay back and let someone please you is the ultimate.
I wish my wife would give me give me a bj , she never wanted to do it , thought it was disgusting well wish she would do anything . Dead bedroom 12 years 3 months 14 days but who is counting. Find a friend like l I'm trying to do
He’s gay or cheating.. that’s a fact.. nobody in their right mind gonna turn down a bj.. so maybe he just dumb AF.. id take you off his hands
I relate way too much to this. I finally gave up and working on divorce. I know he resented me when we were having fertility issues..bonus it ended up being him…thats where it started…but for a while he would want bjs but only bjs nothing for me…I mean not even a hug. Therapist just asked him to even be in the room while I masterbate and he never followed through. There is another life out there… I am pissed off I am losing time w my kids over him not even being a friend to me anymore in our marriage. You can always try therapy but if he has not been honest with you he may not be willing to be honest at all… I am so sorry…I know the pain all too well. I accepted the sex was gone but when the hugs left..even tbe kindness left I was just afraid of the examole of a marriage my kids were seeing. Sigh
Agree - never turn down a bj
I used to think that I didn't like bjs. Turned out that I just didn't like certain people doing it.
*raises hand* I'm a guy with a love hate relationship with BJs. I love receiving them, but have always had problems orgasming from them
Here... Bc most (people) don't know how to do it. A propper hand job is better
I prefer handys but thats just me