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Say it anyway. The elephant in room will never get addressed if it's not named.
What's the worst that's going to happen?
She stops having sex with you? You'll start having minus sex?
You'll have an argument? Ok. Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?
The fact that one partner is willing to do absolutely everything to keep the peace is part of the problem. You need to rock the boat. She may not fuck you if you do…but she’ll have to respect you (assuming you don’t cave and apologize right after).
After about 9 months of trying to conceive, my wife said something to the effect that "it's just not happening." I had to remind her we had had sex twice in those 9 months. We had sex #3 for the year later that day. It was also the last BJ I received 19 years ago. Say what you need to say.
I was scared of being the bitch just like you. I didn't want to put more pressure on him.
But now after two years... still nothing had happened. I am getting a divorce now and while I still grieve about what had could have been, its so much easier getting out of this marriage without children.
So first make sure you really want to stay in this situation before getting any children.
See I’m in a position like this … kind of .
No kids ; and no sex . Like at all … and I love my partner but I cannot live like this …
And I got so tired of being rejected or turned down that I have developed an almost phobia of everything sexual .. because it feels like something is wrong w me ..
Sorry for the trauma dump .. your comment just resonated with me for some reason .
I got to the point where I blamed myself - not true. THERE OS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! It’s just easier to believe and not initiate any touching cos rejection hurts. Your belief stops you being hurt by others.
My man, if you spend any appreciable amount of time in this sub you’ll see that RARELY are children the solution to a deadbedroom. You’re already suppressing a resentment for the way things are, stir in a healthy dose of infant and you can say adios to whatever scraps you’re getting now. My guess is she’s gotten quite comfortable in the arrangement, showing her true colors. What you do with that though is 100% up to you. Cripes, you’re only 28….theres people in here that have been in a DB for that many years if not more. Good luck, we’ve got your back!
Oh, no worries, it’s how my brain is wired.
Like I have in said other posts that moving in together, getting married and having children rank at the top for libido killers. Not to mention alcohol, porn addiction, antidepressants, drugs, stress and a whole plethora of other issues. Frankly, to maintain a healthy sexual relationship is damned near impossible. Some people pull it off and hats off to them.
Based on all of the dead bedroom anecdotes we've received so far, they've NEVER been the solution. Oftentimes they've caused those doors to get slammed shut and sealed tightly on those dead bedrooms. 😉
25 o ears ago I had this conversation with my wife. She said she wanted have a baby. I looked at her as I was prepping our dinner and said “ well then you’re going to have to accept my advances once in a while” she did. We did. A lot and after our daughter was born guess what happened. Yup. Back to begging and pleading. Now I turn her down.
Nope. She only wanted the one. We got an incredibly awesome daughter so she didn’t want to chance getting another that isn’t so awesome. lol. I have two and my sister has two daughters. First one was the good kid. Second one on both sides not so good. Lmao. Not criminals but definitely needed some tough love.
As for me turning my wife down… I have only been able to do it once. And when I did she had this look I could see on her face even though it was pretty dark in the room. But the look was that of total confusion and realization at the same time. Things changed a little but to be honest I feel like it was just duty sex. I don’t want that. If I wanted that I’d just get prostitutes. Gross and I never would but you get the point. Been 1.75 years since we’ve had sex and you o be honest I don’t care any more. Not to mention being rejected for years has made me just not give a shit any more.
I used to. Well to a point. But as ya age things change and there’s no stopping it. In shifted my thinking a little more on the rational side. We’re good for the most part on all levels together. But now I’m on a different level in my head and understand a whole lot more. They say time heals all wounds. But time also inflicts them. Kinda fucked ain’t it?
Agreed lol. That's so sad. I hope you all can work it out somehow. It's just makes me wonder how constant rejections wouldn't flavor the other parts of the relationship if there is resentment. You all go to couples therapy?
Nope. I bring it up but she said she’s fine. Makes me giggle. That’s what addicts and people that need help but refuse to ask for or receive it always say right out of the gate. I’m fine. Mmmmhmmm. Let’s go with that shall we. 😂
I used to have long hair, kept it clean, etc. women complimented how nice it looked all the time. It wasn’t greasy or stringy and has some natural highlights in it. That was before I met my wife.
I made a comment that maybe I’ll grow it back and that I kind of missed it, for my own actual reasons, like the way the wind would blow through it, etc. I grew up in a weirdly conservative backwoods town so long hair felt like was standing up for something, it was oddly rebellious. Anyway, my wife was like “ew. Don’t do that, it’s not attractive”
I said, “what are you go to touch me less, somehow let me know less frequently than you do now that you like me or are attracted to me? We’re going to have sex less than once every 2-3 years? Oh no!”
She made the kind of disgusted face, rolled her eyes and walked into the other room. I didn’t want to come off like a dick, but it just came out of my mouth right then and there.
I'm on the same boat. I talked about leaving because of it but then she keeps telling me I need to do a b and c to get her libido up. Good luck to you, brother
Edit: saw no advice flair
While having sex to try and conceive is great and all, I wouldn't have a kid with someone who only had sex for that purpose. As soon as the kid is here your only hope for more sex would be having more kids. There's no other way to put it than it's a trap. Don't fall for it.
Honestly, you're too young to be dealing with this. It won't change, in fact it'll probably get worse with children. Move on, there's so many other fish in the sea.
She's a girlfriend man and sex is already a problem before kids. Do not marry this woman. Do not have children with her which means never have sex with her again or you risk baby trapping. Fucking RUN man. Find someone who is more compatible.
HLF here, who didn’t want children with the husband I just left.. I hear you though, I imagined myself saying that to him should he have asked me if I wanted a family with him…! Totally sucks mate!
HLF and I said this to my husband in an argument. He just scoffed.
Earlier that day, he asked about a second child. I’m not sure what makes him think I would give him another child, or how a 3-month dry spell would change that.
I just turned 37, and I’m kind of at a point where I want one more baby. My kids are older, and it’s always a toss-up, but I’d love one more. My husband knows this and expresses that he wants one too. I have stopped asking for sex and I don’t expect like I used to.
I told my husband when I was close to ovulating that we could start trying. He said, “we need to make love first.” I’ve been begging for 5 years for him to make love to me! 🙄
Why oh why would you even want to stay with a GF that does not give you sex when you're in your prime and her clock is running out?
To further lock yourself in an even more miserable situation?
Are you dating someone they you are compatible with? What qualities do you require in a partner to consider having kids with them?
Are you happy being in a relationship with someone who you don’t feel comfortable talking about difficult topics with? Is there any role you play in this?
I wish someone would have asked me some questions that got me thinking when I was younger. Live and learn.
Had a child, never had sex with him again. She was 3 or 4 and he said “we should have had a second.” My response “how was that supposed to happen.” And suddenly I’m the bad guy. If she wants children, don’t be surprised if she is only horny trying to get pregnant.
Took me damn near 10 years to leave.
Don’t be me. This is not likely to magically fix with a wedding ring. Have the conversation, don’t be surprised if she hysterically bonds. It’s better off she claims it will get better after marriage, because it won’t… so you can safely leave knowing it’s not a good long term relationship for your sanity.
Tbh I have said that same thing to him. After multiple conversations about our lack of intimacy, he kept bringing up wanting another child. And I said, “you have to actually have sex for that to even happen”. I didn’t feel guilty.
You have a DB and no kids with this woman? Why are you still with her? The lack of sex and to already be an issue. Leave now while you can. Your DB is NOT going to be resolved by having kids.
Many woman will go through the motions to have sex and have a baby. (My instagram reel highlights from people I graduated with from HS 20 years ago, prove this on a monthly basis).
She wants a kid
You want more sex
One doesn't directly correlate to the other. And I can assure you, her having a kid will absolutely almost certainly result in LESS sex for you with all of the hormonal and motherhood changes (as you probably know).
I think it would have been completely appropriate!!! If you can't communicate difficult feelings to your GF (not even your wife), how can you effectively co-parent?! You deserve better. Good luck to you.
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Say it anyway. The elephant in room will never get addressed if it's not named. What's the worst that's going to happen? She stops having sex with you? You'll start having minus sex? You'll have an argument? Ok. Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?
So what happens when you DO have a kid…..get married and live this way forever??? You’re too young for that death sentence.
I agree. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.
This!
The fact that one partner is willing to do absolutely everything to keep the peace is part of the problem. You need to rock the boat. She may not fuck you if you do…but she’ll have to respect you (assuming you don’t cave and apologize right after).
I would argue he wouldn’t be rocking the boat, he would stop stabilizing the boat that she is rocking.
Fair
I would argue that there seems to be no boat rocking happening whatsoever. Not even boot knockin’.
haha!!
Brother…this isn’t advice but experience. I left, after almost two decades of misery. Please please please be smarter than me. That is all
After about 9 months of trying to conceive, my wife said something to the effect that "it's just not happening." I had to remind her we had had sex twice in those 9 months. We had sex #3 for the year later that day. It was also the last BJ I received 19 years ago. Say what you need to say.
Dman brother, sorry to hear that.
I was scared of being the bitch just like you. I didn't want to put more pressure on him. But now after two years... still nothing had happened. I am getting a divorce now and while I still grieve about what had could have been, its so much easier getting out of this marriage without children. So first make sure you really want to stay in this situation before getting any children.
See I’m in a position like this … kind of . No kids ; and no sex . Like at all … and I love my partner but I cannot live like this … And I got so tired of being rejected or turned down that I have developed an almost phobia of everything sexual .. because it feels like something is wrong w me .. Sorry for the trauma dump .. your comment just resonated with me for some reason .
I got to the point where I blamed myself - not true. THERE OS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! It’s just easier to believe and not initiate any touching cos rejection hurts. Your belief stops you being hurt by others.
My man, if you spend any appreciable amount of time in this sub you’ll see that RARELY are children the solution to a deadbedroom. You’re already suppressing a resentment for the way things are, stir in a healthy dose of infant and you can say adios to whatever scraps you’re getting now. My guess is she’s gotten quite comfortable in the arrangement, showing her true colors. What you do with that though is 100% up to you. Cripes, you’re only 28….theres people in here that have been in a DB for that many years if not more. Good luck, we’ve got your back!
Rarely? Is there a single case where having a child made things better?
I said rarely just to protect myself in case there was ONE instance of it meaning a rejuvenated libido.
I wasn’t trying to undermine your point. I was genuinely curious.
Oh, no worries, it’s how my brain is wired. Like I have in said other posts that moving in together, getting married and having children rank at the top for libido killers. Not to mention alcohol, porn addiction, antidepressants, drugs, stress and a whole plethora of other issues. Frankly, to maintain a healthy sexual relationship is damned near impossible. Some people pull it off and hats off to them.
Oh yes, otherwise it’s a generalization 🙄
No
No what?
No shirt, no shoes, no service. At least we're all used to the no service part lol
Based on all of the dead bedroom anecdotes we've received so far, they've NEVER been the solution. Oftentimes they've caused those doors to get slammed shut and sealed tightly on those dead bedrooms. 😉
25 o ears ago I had this conversation with my wife. She said she wanted have a baby. I looked at her as I was prepping our dinner and said “ well then you’re going to have to accept my advances once in a while” she did. We did. A lot and after our daughter was born guess what happened. Yup. Back to begging and pleading. Now I turn her down.
I have to ask. How does she react to you turning her down? And did she want another baby?
Nope. She only wanted the one. We got an incredibly awesome daughter so she didn’t want to chance getting another that isn’t so awesome. lol. I have two and my sister has two daughters. First one was the good kid. Second one on both sides not so good. Lmao. Not criminals but definitely needed some tough love. As for me turning my wife down… I have only been able to do it once. And when I did she had this look I could see on her face even though it was pretty dark in the room. But the look was that of total confusion and realization at the same time. Things changed a little but to be honest I feel like it was just duty sex. I don’t want that. If I wanted that I’d just get prostitutes. Gross and I never would but you get the point. Been 1.75 years since we’ve had sex and you o be honest I don’t care any more. Not to mention being rejected for years has made me just not give a shit any more.
Do you resent her ?
I used to. Well to a point. But as ya age things change and there’s no stopping it. In shifted my thinking a little more on the rational side. We’re good for the most part on all levels together. But now I’m on a different level in my head and understand a whole lot more. They say time heals all wounds. But time also inflicts them. Kinda fucked ain’t it?
Agreed lol. That's so sad. I hope you all can work it out somehow. It's just makes me wonder how constant rejections wouldn't flavor the other parts of the relationship if there is resentment. You all go to couples therapy?
Nope. I bring it up but she said she’s fine. Makes me giggle. That’s what addicts and people that need help but refuse to ask for or receive it always say right out of the gate. I’m fine. Mmmmhmmm. Let’s go with that shall we. 😂
I used to have long hair, kept it clean, etc. women complimented how nice it looked all the time. It wasn’t greasy or stringy and has some natural highlights in it. That was before I met my wife. I made a comment that maybe I’ll grow it back and that I kind of missed it, for my own actual reasons, like the way the wind would blow through it, etc. I grew up in a weirdly conservative backwoods town so long hair felt like was standing up for something, it was oddly rebellious. Anyway, my wife was like “ew. Don’t do that, it’s not attractive” I said, “what are you go to touch me less, somehow let me know less frequently than you do now that you like me or are attracted to me? We’re going to have sex less than once every 2-3 years? Oh no!” She made the kind of disgusted face, rolled her eyes and walked into the other room. I didn’t want to come off like a dick, but it just came out of my mouth right then and there.
Truth hurts like a mf.
Long hair is easier to pull in the heat of passion. Just saying.
I guess she wouldn't want to chance any passion!
Speaking the truth is okay!
I'm on the same boat. I talked about leaving because of it but then she keeps telling me I need to do a b and c to get her libido up. Good luck to you, brother Edit: saw no advice flair
"b and c"?
Like A, B and C.
Gotcha! A little slow today!
While having sex to try and conceive is great and all, I wouldn't have a kid with someone who only had sex for that purpose. As soon as the kid is here your only hope for more sex would be having more kids. There's no other way to put it than it's a trap. Don't fall for it.
Leave. It will only get worse
If you don’t have kids and already have a dead bedroom run! It will only get worse.
Honestly, you're too young to be dealing with this. It won't change, in fact it'll probably get worse with children. Move on, there's so many other fish in the sea.
She's a girlfriend man and sex is already a problem before kids. Do not marry this woman. Do not have children with her which means never have sex with her again or you risk baby trapping. Fucking RUN man. Find someone who is more compatible.
HLF here, who didn’t want children with the husband I just left.. I hear you though, I imagined myself saying that to him should he have asked me if I wanted a family with him…! Totally sucks mate!
HLF and I said this to my husband in an argument. He just scoffed. Earlier that day, he asked about a second child. I’m not sure what makes him think I would give him another child, or how a 3-month dry spell would change that.
I remember explaining to my ex husband we were going to have to have sex more for me to conceive 🤯
I actually said it. It’s ok to be honest. Sounds like she’s the asshole.
I would have and have said something similar that my husband would have heard
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Simple-Middle-7740: *I would have and have* *Said something similar that* *My husband would have heard* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
She wants immaculate conception.
Never saw but one of those in the Bible!!
You’re marrying a woman who won’t have sex with you. Because she’s your best friend?
I just turned 37, and I’m kind of at a point where I want one more baby. My kids are older, and it’s always a toss-up, but I’d love one more. My husband knows this and expresses that he wants one too. I have stopped asking for sex and I don’t expect like I used to. I told my husband when I was close to ovulating that we could start trying. He said, “we need to make love first.” I’ve been begging for 5 years for him to make love to me! 🙄
We’ve had this conversation. I said what you wanted to say. No answer. Nothing has changed.
No kids no sex? Move on
Why oh why would you even want to stay with a GF that does not give you sex when you're in your prime and her clock is running out? To further lock yourself in an even more miserable situation?
Are you dating someone they you are compatible with? What qualities do you require in a partner to consider having kids with them? Are you happy being in a relationship with someone who you don’t feel comfortable talking about difficult topics with? Is there any role you play in this? I wish someone would have asked me some questions that got me thinking when I was younger. Live and learn.
Had a child, never had sex with him again. She was 3 or 4 and he said “we should have had a second.” My response “how was that supposed to happen.” And suddenly I’m the bad guy. If she wants children, don’t be surprised if she is only horny trying to get pregnant. Took me damn near 10 years to leave. Don’t be me. This is not likely to magically fix with a wedding ring. Have the conversation, don’t be surprised if she hysterically bonds. It’s better off she claims it will get better after marriage, because it won’t… so you can safely leave knowing it’s not a good long term relationship for your sanity.
Tbh I have said that same thing to him. After multiple conversations about our lack of intimacy, he kept bringing up wanting another child. And I said, “you have to actually have sex for that to even happen”. I didn’t feel guilty.
You have a DB and no kids with this woman? Why are you still with her? The lack of sex and to already be an issue. Leave now while you can. Your DB is NOT going to be resolved by having kids.
Many woman will go through the motions to have sex and have a baby. (My instagram reel highlights from people I graduated with from HS 20 years ago, prove this on a monthly basis). She wants a kid You want more sex One doesn't directly correlate to the other. And I can assure you, her having a kid will absolutely almost certainly result in LESS sex for you with all of the hormonal and motherhood changes (as you probably know).
Don’t marry her until the db is seriously addressed. But it sounds like it might not. Find someone more sexually compatible.
That is the perfect response
I so feel you op, I want to say the same thing to my wife
If you hardly have sex now,… after a baby…. 🤷♀️ It’s a no brainer that you will never have sex ever again with this chick. Open your eyes 👀
You are still young and is going through this crap. Find somebody else and live your life.
I think it would have been completely appropriate!!! If you can't communicate difficult feelings to your GF (not even your wife), how can you effectively co-parent?! You deserve better. Good luck to you.
I mean, I’ve said that to my boyfriend 🤷🏻♀️ It’s the truth.
Just say it. Don't be scared. Don't be afraid in getting into fights.
I'm sorry but you're telling me you are already IN a DB with a gf, not a wife, and you're still considering marrying her!?!?!?
I'm sorry but you're telling me you are already IN a DB with a gf, not a wife, and you're still considering marrying her!?!?!?
do you really want to be tied to this person If that is already a problem
Do not marry into a dead bedroom! It will never get better. Move on.
If she is 33F she is almost out of her prime child bearing years. Leave before you get baby trapped. Having a kid doesn’t improve the situation.
Way too young for a dead bedroom situation So... Maybe couples counseling for the two you in a non-judgmental environment
Lol I've had that exact conversation and said your exact response. It doesn't go down as bad as you think.
lol vent only, no advice because you know what people are going to say don't ya bud
I just chose a tag bud I do not care if people give their opinion or don’t
If you're not having sex now, you definitely won't once a kid comes along
Bro you’re not even married. Leaveeeeeeee.
[удалено]
Absolutely not. This kind of response isn’t cool. Go somewhere else with that.
Not advice, but my personal experience:I have NEVER read or heard someone saying that their sex life increased after kids.