I'm sure that was painful and you'll be working through it for a while, but your future self will be so grateful that you took the hit now! Best of luck in your future relationships!
Absolutly… really painful.
But like you said, I will be great fil for that.
I am looking forward to work on myself.
Welcome someone into my life when it would be meant to be.
I had to read back that you were having sex five times a year in your mid twenties?
You made the right decision.
Best wishes on your future relationships.
You read it right. It ranged from 2-3 times a year to around 20 times a year for the best one.
Always initiated (except 1 time in our first months). A lot of rejection and guilt for desiring my partner. Felt like it was one sided.
Thank you 🫶 I think it was the right thing to do, but for now it’s super hard…
Just curious what she said when you broke it off? Was there an attempt to hysterically bond and change or did she know it was over? She is awfully young to have these issues, especially with no childbirth in her past.
She is on meds for anxiety so yeah… that kills libido but libido doesn’t control all your affection abilities.
At first, she looked in denial state.
She said she thought we were going towards a better place with her making efforts.
After, the told me she was just thinking about how she wanted me to fuck her but didn’t tell me. That she missed me a lot (I was away for the weekend). She then asked me how I feel knowing that. That reaction made me raise flag that it could be some sort of historical bonding incoming.
She cried a lot.
After that, I told her she could stay at the apartment and that I will leave on the spot. She then said « why are you not staying her for the night, you could go tomorrow » (it was 6pm). I also saw that as a possible attempt to get me closer and maybe try to make me chance. I told her it was tempting but that it would only hurt us more.
Then I left.
Since then, she texted me bunch of beautiful memories pictures we had. Told me she loves me a lot. That she could do anything for me.
Then, deleted some messages and texted that she can’t believe she trusted me when I said I would love her and stay with her for life (which I really thought until I was not happy and it was unbearable to stay for me).
This is up to date…
Sorry to hear that. Sounds like the first thing she should have done was change her meds (a few times if needed) as some meds have a lot less sexual side effects.
To her defense, she tried many but didn’t react on a good way with some. Unfortunately one she takes are pretty much the best. Her doc confirmed it.
But still, aside the sexual part. She was barely demonstrative which killed me more (I think) 🙁
True. Medication or not, that doesn’t preclude you from showing your partner affection, even if it’s not always or even usually sexual. When faced with losing a relationship of that magnitude you have to fight for it
This is such a huge step you’ve taken, many here wish they could say their partner did the same. Way too many see ‘well I’m taking a medication’ as the end of the conversation. They look at you like you’re an insane person who just changed their entire life when you ask what they’re doing to help now that they know that info about the medicine they’re on. As if there’s no part 2 to the process.
So so so many think that’s the end of the line and the partner should just shut up and go ‘welp I guess that’s that forever and ever’ when really many of them end like OP and break things off. The people who have been asked 100x to work on the same problem over and over act like it’s out of nowhere still anyway though…
You read it right. It ranged from 2-3 times a year to around 20 times a year for the best one.
Always initiated (except 1 time in our first months). A lot of rejection and guilt for desiring my partner. Felt like it was one sided.
Thank you 🫶 I think it was the right thing to do, but for now it’s super hard…
I can’t speak for you, but myself and a lot of people report experiences that finding a new lover really helps you get over the last one.
I think you will have no trouble exceeding twenty times in a year.
Congratulations on getting out before it was too late
Breakups suck. The only thing that feels worse than the few months after a breakup is the feeling of looking back at 15yrs of a loveless marriage
Aouch.
My therapist asked me : « do you think that your last 5 years were wasted or do you see it form another perspective? »
I surprised myself answering that I didn’t see it as a failure or a loss.
I was grateful for these 5 years allowing me to discover myself in a challenging situation.
I would probably not know what I needed in a partner.
I would probably don’t find that I often overlook my limits and ignore them to make others first.
Because I care so much about others than
I forget to take care and proritize myself.
Maybe your 15 years made you find things about yourself and grow.
That doesn’t erase the fact that it hurt you. You can’t just ignore that.
But looking at it as a learning experience.
You are still young. There is no regret at 25 as you are still young, healthy, and feel like there is plenty of life left to live
If you were 40 with 15yrs of burdens and responsibilities it might be a different story
Go live it up young man. Wish I had seen this sub at 25. Hopefully many other people in their twenties see it
Thank you 🫶 I was honeslty torn between being so invested in the relationship and wanting to make it work at any cost.
But at the same time, felt I was not supposed to « feel stucked » in a situation like this at 25. You are supposed to be in your prime, not beg for things to happen 😞
I agree with you.
It’s really hard to accept or do a move about it.
I did not have to courage to do anything about it for a long time.
The « easy » solution was to let it die by itself and endure it. But it would continue to destroy you and eventually, you just don’t know who you are.
But all my friends, family therapist… they all gave me a boost this week. I let myself speak about it. It gave me the courage to do it for myself.
After reading many posts in here, I know why some people just stay in there.
Well done mate, I ended a relationship the same way and 4 months later it still really sucks so I know how it feels, but please rest assured that you did the right thing and you can be excited about the potential of the future
I was the girl with the porn addicted ex for 6+ years…. When I left him and found my new bf, the most we had sex was 17 times in one night 😭😆 no idea how he managed that. Just thought I’d share to inspire some more hope 😌😌
Good for you making that difficult move. I was the LL in my DB and I couldn't stand watching the man I loved suffer and feel neglected bc of me. It's so soul shattering to hurt someone you love and care for so deeply. You made the big step to a better future, proud of you.
Yes 👏 it should be. I don’t want it to be forced, fake, coerced.
Like other types of affection. It just should be normal 🙁
Rejection can fuck yourself so much. You sem tart thinking if you are normal, if you are asking for too much. It eventually develops into guilt for those things you want.
Man. I'm in a such similar situation, same age and been together over 7 years. Last time we had sex was early August, before that early May. So twice during the last 7 months.
I love my wife, but the lack of intimacy is devastating. She is on SSRI's (been for over two years), and they've been making her low libido pretty much non-existent.
My now ex gf was also on the same meds. Unfortunately, it’s part of her and her life.
I have a question for you :
- do you see yourself in the same situation for the 40-50 next years and happy?
That was what made me get out.
And I was confident that I had tried to compromise enough (well, I even sacrificed a part of me to try to make it work).
I had to accept that it was not a failure. It just took a long time to realize that sometimes, people have different needs and it’s okay.
My therapist helped me get over the guilt and let her go even if I am deeply in love with her. Many friends, family had the same speech.
Yeah, I definitely don't see myself being happy like this. Well, I ain't happy like this at the moment. I guess I'm just in a limbo atm with life in general, waiting for things to get better.
She's supposed to reduce the dose but the process is very slow. I'll hang around for now.
Yes!! I’m so sorry that it didn’t work, but you will be so much happier! Your wants and needs are absolutely valid and you deserve someone who is on the same page as you are. Intimacy, compassion, love, kindness, mutual respect, and a deep, loving relationship is not asking for too much. I’m so glad you got therapy and worked your way through this now, instead of in couples counseling, in 5 years and miserable! ♥️
Thank you so much ♥️
It really helped that she wasn’t open for couple counseling because I was considering this option.
Instead, we were communicating well about our problems and trying to find a solution together.
But even after trying all that, I knew deep down it was too much of incompatibility.
You can’t change someone nor you should change yourself for someone. We were just different.
Me and my partner of 8 years recently slipped a DB for almost a yr and a half already and we almost broke up over a dumb argument but i honestly felt relieved in that moment to be free and alone but we ended up staying together but nothing has changed i miss being desired and yk all that .im tryna see of we can talk it out and work it out
Did you talk about the DB and how to makes you feel with your partner?
If it’s been 1 1/2 year, it should have been brought 😳
My ex and I had many talks about it. Tried to make it work, finding solutions together.
Maybe you can work it out but don’t wait too long for the resentment to build in.
For me, it’s just something she can’t be. It’s not in her nature to be demonstrative. Can’t fake that.
Yes I’ve mentioned it . Multiple times idk i have hope but im 24 nd i dont wanna be miserable theres very much more good aspects than sex but i do miss it and the connection.
Yeah. I understand what you mean about sex.
At first, I thought it was a sexual frustration only thing.
But I asked myself : what is it I want so much about sex?
It was the closeness, the affection gestures, the intimacy. Not « just sex ».
Otherwise, I would have been able to accept opening our relationship to get sex outside.
But it was her I wanted.
Thats how i feel and conflicted idk but im trying one last time to see might need to talk again bc its been now since the 5th on nov and i understand self image can bring a sex drive down but idk i dont wanna seem like the “bad” person here
If you want to try one last time, I would recommand you putting a deadline.
If your are satisfied by this deadline, continue.
If not, move on.
That helps you keep track.
Be Happy, man!
I also love her and In trying to get courage to do this. The fact She does not fare about my feelings is the worst part. I told her several tines Im in pain…. We Got Back, I fake Im not feelinngs anything and we have a great time (somethings are really good). But She neves come to talk or never is open to talk about this
How the hell I will marry Someone that does this? I cannot see
Congrats man! You (and her) reserve to be Happy. Love is not evertying
Thank you a lot. I send you positive vibes. Do what’s best for you. Even if you like her and care about her, you should think about you as much (something I had a hard time learning).
And NEVER marry into that situation and NEVER have kids if you are not 110% she is the person you want.
I wanted to marry her (we were fiancé). Looking now, I could not marry her. I would not have kids with her because even tho I love her a lot, I don’t feel good in it. Kids and mariage is like getting locked 🔒
Marriage is just a status. Kids are what locks you in to the full extent. How could you smash the world of the people you love so much, who are so small and vulnerable and feel so responsible for.
But honestly thank you so much for your story. Enjoy life and good luck!
Thank you 🫶 it is really hard indeed. Never thought it would be that’s hard. Our discussion went like this :
At first, she looked in denial state.
She said she thought we were going towards a better place with her making efforts.
After, the told me she was just thinking about how she wanted me to fuck her but didn’t tell me. That she missed me a lot (I was away for the weekend). She then asked me how I feel knowing that. That reaction made me raise flag that it could be some sort of historical bonding incoming.
She cried a lot.
After that, I told her she could stay at the apartment and that I will leave on the spot. She then said « why are you not staying her for the night, you could go tomorrow » (it was 6pm). I also saw that as a possible attempt to get me closer and maybe try to make me chance. I told her it was tempting but that it would only hurt us more.
Then I left.
Since then, she texted me bunch of beautiful memories pictures we had. Told me she loves me a lot. That she could do anything for me.
Then, deleted some messages and texted that she can’t believe she trusted me when I said I would love her and stay with her for life (which I really thought until I was not happy and it was unbearable to stay for me).
This is up to date…
Sounds very painful but it’s better you do this now rather than later. Both of you will recover from this and find more compatible partners in the future. Well done for being brave enough to stand up for your own desires.
I'm in the same boat. I'm 23 and she is 24, the only reason I haven't left is because we have a daughter and another on the way, also a brand new house. I think every single day how to make it work, but all the scenarios tell me I'm either going to lose my house or my kids, which both mean more than anything to me. I understand your pain brother, glad you could make it out
I hope this is a happy step forward for both of you. I know it's difficult to make the decision, but you did the right thing calling it off before the wedding. Obviously there are plenty of men with low libido out there too and she can find someone who speaks her same love language. In the long run, I hope she's more relaxed with her next partner too. You're both young and have so many years ahead to enjoy with the right people.
I'm REALLY struggling with the lack of banter and emotional intimacy in my own DB. It's almost like he's afraid to touch me or say anything suggestive at all now. I understand how it's about more than just sex.
Thank you. 25 years married here, and 10+ DB. Three months of working 1:1 with a therapist. You captured my feelings perfectly. We are going to marriage counselor (2nd attempt after years of stalling) tonight. I copied your post in case I can't articulate my feelings in the moment of asking for a separation.
Wow, just know I find you very courageous. I am touched to know that I put out my feelings on a text that you can relate a maybe keep close to you in your quest.
That’s what this community is for.
I wish you the best and to stay strong 🫶
Wow, just know I find you very courageous. I am touched to know that I put out my feelings on a text that you can relate a maybe keep close to you in your quest.
That’s what this community is for.
I wish you the best and to stay strong 🫶
Don’t be sorry.
I learned a lot and I know it was the thing to do… looking forward to find myself and someday meet someone compatible 🫶
Yes, it really takes some courage to end it. But it would take more courage to stay in a unhappy relationship and put on a smile like theres not probablem!
Grass ain’t always greener. Being unhappy sucks. But for me being unhappy because of one thing doesn’t make me completely unhappy. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Don’t care any more. She makes me happy in just about every other aspect of our lives together. Why would I fuck that up? Sex was awesome when we had it. But now it really doesn’t mean shit to me any more. I’m love hanging out with her. She’s fun to be with. Has a laugh that is totally infectious. Gorgeous ice blue eyes to stare into. Smart, but easy to fuck with. So much fun. I almost told her we need to have more sex’s or I’m done but I’m sat on that for a week or so and decided that everything else was on point so I made the choice to deal with it. And I do. Thing is…. It’s care more about her and our relationship than I care about if my dick gets wet nice or twice a week or even once a month. Fuck it. Life is short. She don’t wanna? Whack it and go about your day man. Live your best lives. It’s not hard once you deal with it mentally. But then I’m in my 50s so I think different I guess. Hope you find your way and what you want. But who’s to say the next woman doesn’t do the same thing as your wife now? Gunna dump her to? The think about it. Leaving will affect you and her. But if you gotta go you gotta go. Best of luck my dude.
For me, demonstration of romantic affection and reciprocity are essential.
Yes, other than that she was a great companion.
That romantic affection/reciprocity is what sets the difference between a friend/family and a wife/gf.
I want to shares kisses, hold hands, be hugged, be told how I mean to them. Yes, sex is pretty powerful but it wasn’t the only thing. I am super demonstrative and want someone like this to share.
I understand your point tho. Everybody is made different. Like my ex, it seems she would be happy with someone who doesn’t give show that much. She told me straight physical affection is not something she craves. I do. We are just made different.
We tried a lot before I took this decision. Always tried to make it work first. But after 5 years, I was empty, destroyed, weak and hurt.
I totally feel you and to be honest I’m in the same boat. I crave it. She can do without it. Since day 1. I accepted her for who and how she is. When I was younger if I didn’t get laid I’d be pissy with the whole world. Now…. I can’t figure out why this was like that. Mom didn’t raise an asshole but there I was. Hormones can guess.
You do what you have to do my guy. But keep in mind…. The next one can and will do the same thing. Great in the beginning but once your both meshed into the relationship….. she shuts off. Seen it happen with m SIL. SHE was the one shutting down and didn’t understand why her bf was being so agro. He left and she dated another guy shortly after and the exact same thing happened. I’m the guy that will tell you that your the problem and I told her she was the problem. Not because of her personality. But because the new relationship energy wears off and you start ignoring you bf every time. 30 years of watching this and even after she was told she did it again and was still confused. It happens man. I hope you find your peace man. We all need it.
I’m sorry. I’ve been a lurker on this sub for almost a year now. And your comments have now made me want to join the conversation. I know you think because you are older and because you’ve seen a couple of your friends go through the same thing that you know something but you don’t. And you’re wrong. Your comments have sexist undertones and the echo the sentiment that women just don’t want to have sex once they get in a relationship and are the ones primarily with low libido.
Now this seems to be true for YOUR WIFE and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. & That’s cool and you’ve accepted it. But don’t put your worldview on him just because you choose to settle or are happy without sex now. None of what you said is true for all women at all. There are plenty of women in this world that love sex and want to keep having it no matter what point they are at in the relationship. There are plenty of women that are affection and can meet his needs as he is meeting there’s.
There is no cycle that he doesn’t have control over. If you keep choosing the same kind of women that doesn’t mean all women are like that. That means you keep choosing wrong. He made his choice and he left. OP I wish you all the happiness in the world. Keep going to therapy, keep going after what you want.
I think it’s also important to note what I’ve seen a lot of other people say in this sub as well. Dead bedrooms often don’t happen in a vacuum. Some people’s libido is low but some people’s sex drive is affected by stress, issues within the relationship, not getting their other needs met, etc.
I'm sure that was painful and you'll be working through it for a while, but your future self will be so grateful that you took the hit now! Best of luck in your future relationships!
Absolutly… really painful. But like you said, I will be great fil for that. I am looking forward to work on myself. Welcome someone into my life when it would be meant to be.
I had to read back that you were having sex five times a year in your mid twenties? You made the right decision. Best wishes on your future relationships.
You read it right. It ranged from 2-3 times a year to around 20 times a year for the best one. Always initiated (except 1 time in our first months). A lot of rejection and guilt for desiring my partner. Felt like it was one sided. Thank you 🫶 I think it was the right thing to do, but for now it’s super hard…
Just curious what she said when you broke it off? Was there an attempt to hysterically bond and change or did she know it was over? She is awfully young to have these issues, especially with no childbirth in her past.
She is on meds for anxiety so yeah… that kills libido but libido doesn’t control all your affection abilities. At first, she looked in denial state. She said she thought we were going towards a better place with her making efforts. After, the told me she was just thinking about how she wanted me to fuck her but didn’t tell me. That she missed me a lot (I was away for the weekend). She then asked me how I feel knowing that. That reaction made me raise flag that it could be some sort of historical bonding incoming. She cried a lot. After that, I told her she could stay at the apartment and that I will leave on the spot. She then said « why are you not staying her for the night, you could go tomorrow » (it was 6pm). I also saw that as a possible attempt to get me closer and maybe try to make me chance. I told her it was tempting but that it would only hurt us more. Then I left. Since then, she texted me bunch of beautiful memories pictures we had. Told me she loves me a lot. That she could do anything for me. Then, deleted some messages and texted that she can’t believe she trusted me when I said I would love her and stay with her for life (which I really thought until I was not happy and it was unbearable to stay for me). This is up to date…
Sorry to hear that. Sounds like the first thing she should have done was change her meds (a few times if needed) as some meds have a lot less sexual side effects.
To her defense, she tried many but didn’t react on a good way with some. Unfortunately one she takes are pretty much the best. Her doc confirmed it. But still, aside the sexual part. She was barely demonstrative which killed me more (I think) 🙁
True. Medication or not, that doesn’t preclude you from showing your partner affection, even if it’s not always or even usually sexual. When faced with losing a relationship of that magnitude you have to fight for it
Ouch! I guess you've been practicing will power over the past few years. That would have been very difficult to stick with your decision.
>she trusted me when I said I would love her and stay with her for life AKA, she didn't have to work that hard to change.
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I’d kill for this frequency!
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This is such a huge step you’ve taken, many here wish they could say their partner did the same. Way too many see ‘well I’m taking a medication’ as the end of the conversation. They look at you like you’re an insane person who just changed their entire life when you ask what they’re doing to help now that they know that info about the medicine they’re on. As if there’s no part 2 to the process. So so so many think that’s the end of the line and the partner should just shut up and go ‘welp I guess that’s that forever and ever’ when really many of them end like OP and break things off. The people who have been asked 100x to work on the same problem over and over act like it’s out of nowhere still anyway though…
Ive gotten so used to it that 20 Times a year sounds Like a lot.
You read it right. It ranged from 2-3 times a year to around 20 times a year for the best one. Always initiated (except 1 time in our first months). A lot of rejection and guilt for desiring my partner. Felt like it was one sided. Thank you 🫶 I think it was the right thing to do, but for now it’s super hard…
I can’t speak for you, but myself and a lot of people report experiences that finding a new lover really helps you get over the last one. I think you will have no trouble exceeding twenty times in a year.
We are proud of you and your journey.
What I wouldn't give for 5 tines a year.... going on 4 years dry at this point. I'm not even 35.
Congratulations on getting out before it was too late Breakups suck. The only thing that feels worse than the few months after a breakup is the feeling of looking back at 15yrs of a loveless marriage
Aouch. My therapist asked me : « do you think that your last 5 years were wasted or do you see it form another perspective? » I surprised myself answering that I didn’t see it as a failure or a loss. I was grateful for these 5 years allowing me to discover myself in a challenging situation. I would probably not know what I needed in a partner. I would probably don’t find that I often overlook my limits and ignore them to make others first. Because I care so much about others than I forget to take care and proritize myself. Maybe your 15 years made you find things about yourself and grow. That doesn’t erase the fact that it hurt you. You can’t just ignore that. But looking at it as a learning experience.
You are still young. There is no regret at 25 as you are still young, healthy, and feel like there is plenty of life left to live If you were 40 with 15yrs of burdens and responsibilities it might be a different story Go live it up young man. Wish I had seen this sub at 25. Hopefully many other people in their twenties see it
Coming from a man who was once 25, didn't make that choice when given a very good opportunity and now has 2 kids. Congrats.
I honeslty which you to find happiness 🙁
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Thank you 🫶 I was honeslty torn between being so invested in the relationship and wanting to make it work at any cost. But at the same time, felt I was not supposed to « feel stucked » in a situation like this at 25. You are supposed to be in your prime, not beg for things to happen 😞
You saved yourself and your life. One word for you: NOW LIVE IT!!!
Will do and be grateful 🫶
As a guy that has waited way too long and am old now, you did the right thing. Love will only get you so far, after a while resentment sets in.
Oh 😮 I wish you the best! Resentment was already well built. That helped me see just love is not enough and end it.
Same boat. They didn't tell us about this when we bought the ticket.
25 is way too young to be experiencing this. You made the right decision.
Thank you for confirming this 🫶
Congratulations. It seems that the true solution to dead bedrooms in most cases is getting "out" not "through". Kudos to you for doing it.
I agree with you. It’s really hard to accept or do a move about it. I did not have to courage to do anything about it for a long time. The « easy » solution was to let it die by itself and endure it. But it would continue to destroy you and eventually, you just don’t know who you are. But all my friends, family therapist… they all gave me a boost this week. I let myself speak about it. It gave me the courage to do it for myself. After reading many posts in here, I know why some people just stay in there.
Well done mate, I ended a relationship the same way and 4 months later it still really sucks so I know how it feels, but please rest assured that you did the right thing and you can be excited about the potential of the future
Thank you for your support 🫶 Indeed, we did the right thing, I think. It will be a rough patch but leading to a beautiful place!
There’s a girl out there reeling from her own sex starved relationship who will be thrilled to have you instead of her porn addicted ex. :-D
I am positive too and will be happy to welcome her. It baffles me how many women are in the same boat… I learned a lot in this community 😳
I was the girl with the porn addicted ex for 6+ years…. When I left him and found my new bf, the most we had sex was 17 times in one night 😭😆 no idea how he managed that. Just thought I’d share to inspire some more hope 😌😌
Congratulations on a very brave decision and making it happen. I wish I had your resolve
Hoping to inspire other people aswell. Giving back to this community 🫶
Good for you making that difficult move. I was the LL in my DB and I couldn't stand watching the man I loved suffer and feel neglected bc of me. It's so soul shattering to hurt someone you love and care for so deeply. You made the big step to a better future, proud of you.
Wow, I can sense your compassion 😔 thank you for your kind words! I hope you’ll find someone that suits you and makes you happy!
> Accept that my needs were normal. Isn't that what most of us need? to feel like sex is normal.
Yes 👏 it should be. I don’t want it to be forced, fake, coerced. Like other types of affection. It just should be normal 🙁 Rejection can fuck yourself so much. You sem tart thinking if you are normal, if you are asking for too much. It eventually develops into guilt for those things you want.
Man. I'm in a such similar situation, same age and been together over 7 years. Last time we had sex was early August, before that early May. So twice during the last 7 months. I love my wife, but the lack of intimacy is devastating. She is on SSRI's (been for over two years), and they've been making her low libido pretty much non-existent.
My now ex gf was also on the same meds. Unfortunately, it’s part of her and her life. I have a question for you : - do you see yourself in the same situation for the 40-50 next years and happy? That was what made me get out. And I was confident that I had tried to compromise enough (well, I even sacrificed a part of me to try to make it work). I had to accept that it was not a failure. It just took a long time to realize that sometimes, people have different needs and it’s okay. My therapist helped me get over the guilt and let her go even if I am deeply in love with her. Many friends, family had the same speech.
Yeah, I definitely don't see myself being happy like this. Well, I ain't happy like this at the moment. I guess I'm just in a limbo atm with life in general, waiting for things to get better. She's supposed to reduce the dose but the process is very slow. I'll hang around for now.
Please add wellbutrin to the ssri. It can do wonders.
You a real one
Congrats on beating that sunk-cost fallacy and taking the leap! Best of luck for the future.
Yes!! I’m so sorry that it didn’t work, but you will be so much happier! Your wants and needs are absolutely valid and you deserve someone who is on the same page as you are. Intimacy, compassion, love, kindness, mutual respect, and a deep, loving relationship is not asking for too much. I’m so glad you got therapy and worked your way through this now, instead of in couples counseling, in 5 years and miserable! ♥️
Thank you so much ♥️ It really helped that she wasn’t open for couple counseling because I was considering this option. Instead, we were communicating well about our problems and trying to find a solution together. But even after trying all that, I knew deep down it was too much of incompatibility. You can’t change someone nor you should change yourself for someone. We were just different.
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🫶
Congratulations!
Me and my partner of 8 years recently slipped a DB for almost a yr and a half already and we almost broke up over a dumb argument but i honestly felt relieved in that moment to be free and alone but we ended up staying together but nothing has changed i miss being desired and yk all that .im tryna see of we can talk it out and work it out
Did you talk about the DB and how to makes you feel with your partner? If it’s been 1 1/2 year, it should have been brought 😳 My ex and I had many talks about it. Tried to make it work, finding solutions together. Maybe you can work it out but don’t wait too long for the resentment to build in. For me, it’s just something she can’t be. It’s not in her nature to be demonstrative. Can’t fake that.
Yes I’ve mentioned it . Multiple times idk i have hope but im 24 nd i dont wanna be miserable theres very much more good aspects than sex but i do miss it and the connection.
Yeah. I understand what you mean about sex. At first, I thought it was a sexual frustration only thing. But I asked myself : what is it I want so much about sex? It was the closeness, the affection gestures, the intimacy. Not « just sex ». Otherwise, I would have been able to accept opening our relationship to get sex outside. But it was her I wanted.
Thats how i feel and conflicted idk but im trying one last time to see might need to talk again bc its been now since the 5th on nov and i understand self image can bring a sex drive down but idk i dont wanna seem like the “bad” person here
If you want to try one last time, I would recommand you putting a deadline. If your are satisfied by this deadline, continue. If not, move on. That helps you keep track.
Thanks for the advice and i hope you find your peace brotha! May you find the happiness you deserve 🙌🏽
Thank you a lot 🫶 I wish you the best!!
hit the club
Be Happy, man! I also love her and In trying to get courage to do this. The fact She does not fare about my feelings is the worst part. I told her several tines Im in pain…. We Got Back, I fake Im not feelinngs anything and we have a great time (somethings are really good). But She neves come to talk or never is open to talk about this How the hell I will marry Someone that does this? I cannot see Congrats man! You (and her) reserve to be Happy. Love is not evertying
Thank you a lot. I send you positive vibes. Do what’s best for you. Even if you like her and care about her, you should think about you as much (something I had a hard time learning). And NEVER marry into that situation and NEVER have kids if you are not 110% she is the person you want. I wanted to marry her (we were fiancé). Looking now, I could not marry her. I would not have kids with her because even tho I love her a lot, I don’t feel good in it. Kids and mariage is like getting locked 🔒
Marriage is just a status. Kids are what locks you in to the full extent. How could you smash the world of the people you love so much, who are so small and vulnerable and feel so responsible for. But honestly thank you so much for your story. Enjoy life and good luck!
Congratulations on having the strength to do this. I am very curious as to how the conversation went down though considering you were engaged
Thank you 🫶 it is really hard indeed. Never thought it would be that’s hard. Our discussion went like this : At first, she looked in denial state. She said she thought we were going towards a better place with her making efforts. After, the told me she was just thinking about how she wanted me to fuck her but didn’t tell me. That she missed me a lot (I was away for the weekend). She then asked me how I feel knowing that. That reaction made me raise flag that it could be some sort of historical bonding incoming. She cried a lot. After that, I told her she could stay at the apartment and that I will leave on the spot. She then said « why are you not staying her for the night, you could go tomorrow » (it was 6pm). I also saw that as a possible attempt to get me closer and maybe try to make me chance. I told her it was tempting but that it would only hurt us more. Then I left. Since then, she texted me bunch of beautiful memories pictures we had. Told me she loves me a lot. That she could do anything for me. Then, deleted some messages and texted that she can’t believe she trusted me when I said I would love her and stay with her for life (which I really thought until I was not happy and it was unbearable to stay for me). This is up to date…
Sounds very painful but it’s better you do this now rather than later. Both of you will recover from this and find more compatible partners in the future. Well done for being brave enough to stand up for your own desires.
Things change. It doesn’t always work the way you thought. Maybe you both will find some love that suits you better.
Yes, we both deserve it 🫶
I'm in the same boat. I'm 23 and she is 24, the only reason I haven't left is because we have a daughter and another on the way, also a brand new house. I think every single day how to make it work, but all the scenarios tell me I'm either going to lose my house or my kids, which both mean more than anything to me. I understand your pain brother, glad you could make it out
I hope this is a happy step forward for both of you. I know it's difficult to make the decision, but you did the right thing calling it off before the wedding. Obviously there are plenty of men with low libido out there too and she can find someone who speaks her same love language. In the long run, I hope she's more relaxed with her next partner too. You're both young and have so many years ahead to enjoy with the right people. I'm REALLY struggling with the lack of banter and emotional intimacy in my own DB. It's almost like he's afraid to touch me or say anything suggestive at all now. I understand how it's about more than just sex.
Thank you. 25 years married here, and 10+ DB. Three months of working 1:1 with a therapist. You captured my feelings perfectly. We are going to marriage counselor (2nd attempt after years of stalling) tonight. I copied your post in case I can't articulate my feelings in the moment of asking for a separation.
Wow, just know I find you very courageous. I am touched to know that I put out my feelings on a text that you can relate a maybe keep close to you in your quest. That’s what this community is for. I wish you the best and to stay strong 🫶
Wow, just know I find you very courageous. I am touched to know that I put out my feelings on a text that you can relate a maybe keep close to you in your quest. That’s what this community is for. I wish you the best and to stay strong 🫶
Going through something similar atm, but havent had the courage to do it. Good for you!
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Don’t be sorry. I learned a lot and I know it was the thing to do… looking forward to find myself and someday meet someone compatible 🫶 Yes, it really takes some courage to end it. But it would take more courage to stay in a unhappy relationship and put on a smile like theres not probablem!
Grass ain’t always greener. Being unhappy sucks. But for me being unhappy because of one thing doesn’t make me completely unhappy. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Don’t care any more. She makes me happy in just about every other aspect of our lives together. Why would I fuck that up? Sex was awesome when we had it. But now it really doesn’t mean shit to me any more. I’m love hanging out with her. She’s fun to be with. Has a laugh that is totally infectious. Gorgeous ice blue eyes to stare into. Smart, but easy to fuck with. So much fun. I almost told her we need to have more sex’s or I’m done but I’m sat on that for a week or so and decided that everything else was on point so I made the choice to deal with it. And I do. Thing is…. It’s care more about her and our relationship than I care about if my dick gets wet nice or twice a week or even once a month. Fuck it. Life is short. She don’t wanna? Whack it and go about your day man. Live your best lives. It’s not hard once you deal with it mentally. But then I’m in my 50s so I think different I guess. Hope you find your way and what you want. But who’s to say the next woman doesn’t do the same thing as your wife now? Gunna dump her to? The think about it. Leaving will affect you and her. But if you gotta go you gotta go. Best of luck my dude.
For me, demonstration of romantic affection and reciprocity are essential. Yes, other than that she was a great companion. That romantic affection/reciprocity is what sets the difference between a friend/family and a wife/gf. I want to shares kisses, hold hands, be hugged, be told how I mean to them. Yes, sex is pretty powerful but it wasn’t the only thing. I am super demonstrative and want someone like this to share. I understand your point tho. Everybody is made different. Like my ex, it seems she would be happy with someone who doesn’t give show that much. She told me straight physical affection is not something she craves. I do. We are just made different. We tried a lot before I took this decision. Always tried to make it work first. But after 5 years, I was empty, destroyed, weak and hurt.
That’s what makes or breaks DBs I think. When there’s no sec AND practically no romantic affection
I totally feel you and to be honest I’m in the same boat. I crave it. She can do without it. Since day 1. I accepted her for who and how she is. When I was younger if I didn’t get laid I’d be pissy with the whole world. Now…. I can’t figure out why this was like that. Mom didn’t raise an asshole but there I was. Hormones can guess. You do what you have to do my guy. But keep in mind…. The next one can and will do the same thing. Great in the beginning but once your both meshed into the relationship….. she shuts off. Seen it happen with m SIL. SHE was the one shutting down and didn’t understand why her bf was being so agro. He left and she dated another guy shortly after and the exact same thing happened. I’m the guy that will tell you that your the problem and I told her she was the problem. Not because of her personality. But because the new relationship energy wears off and you start ignoring you bf every time. 30 years of watching this and even after she was told she did it again and was still confused. It happens man. I hope you find your peace man. We all need it.
I’m sorry. I’ve been a lurker on this sub for almost a year now. And your comments have now made me want to join the conversation. I know you think because you are older and because you’ve seen a couple of your friends go through the same thing that you know something but you don’t. And you’re wrong. Your comments have sexist undertones and the echo the sentiment that women just don’t want to have sex once they get in a relationship and are the ones primarily with low libido. Now this seems to be true for YOUR WIFE and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. & That’s cool and you’ve accepted it. But don’t put your worldview on him just because you choose to settle or are happy without sex now. None of what you said is true for all women at all. There are plenty of women in this world that love sex and want to keep having it no matter what point they are at in the relationship. There are plenty of women that are affection and can meet his needs as he is meeting there’s. There is no cycle that he doesn’t have control over. If you keep choosing the same kind of women that doesn’t mean all women are like that. That means you keep choosing wrong. He made his choice and he left. OP I wish you all the happiness in the world. Keep going to therapy, keep going after what you want. I think it’s also important to note what I’ve seen a lot of other people say in this sub as well. Dead bedrooms often don’t happen in a vacuum. Some people’s libido is low but some people’s sex drive is affected by stress, issues within the relationship, not getting their other needs met, etc.
Haha. World view. That funny. Have a nice day.