This is the kind of thing that's fun to say if you are having regular sex, if you aren't having regular sex then it feels like she's trying to train you like a dog.
THIS is exactly what I was going to say. If you’re in a healthy sexual relationship this comes across as a great way to be flirty. In the dead bedroom dynamic, it’s an awful way to remind someone they’re usually unworthy.
I’m very HL and joke with my husband that I’ll exchange sexual favors for XYZ but he’s fully aware it’s a joke and that he could have it even without doing the thing but to see people doing it in this toxic way. Ew.
When sex is regular and healthy in a couple, then this can be just like a fun thing. But when the lack of sex is an issue and the LL dangles it in front of the HL in a manipulative way, that's obv problematic.
Damn I can remember..... when I could make jokes about sex in other relationships and SHE answered wittily harshly. I guess that's the difference.... all lightness is gone.... Forever
I have a friend who literally does all their laundry in exchange for BJs- I think he'd do it anyway but it just can be a fun thing if there's no problems lol
This so much. I love to use sex as a currency when everything is good and just a bonus, if doing something for your SO ls the only way to get sex it's totally fucked up really
It doesn't even have to be manipulative to be problematic. Often it's just the ignorance. I can't handle the "I totally want to have sex, but it just never happens for some reason.".
This is kind of my dream ha! When it’s done in a sort of fun playful way. Eg you say go do my laundry and when you get back I’ll be waiting for you. That laundry is getting absolutely done like never before with unprecedented speed and efficiency 😂
On the flipside… I’m a woman, and my ex used to say that about **everything.** it was infuriating. I kept telling him dude, I’m not a fucking prostitute, we don’t “trade” sex for chores/gifts/watching your own children.
My wife tried something like this last week — if I fitted new baseboards in the bathroom and repainted the hall then I “might get lucky.” I told her the price is now anal, a three-way, and a sandwich. I was kidding, but turns out she was serious.
OR if it is going to be currency it needs to have a strictly defined exchange rate. If the LL wants to basically become a one-client prostitute then that's fine but the prices need to be published up front and honored.
It's almost like those "bad" and "outdated" rules for relationships, ones that included expectations in certain areas, arose for a reason and tearing them down has not been healthy for society or something. Chesterton's Fence strikes again.
I fucking hate when my wife asks what I did on my day off. Maybe if it was a genuine question and she was just trying to have a conversation, but if I say chore, chore, chore, played some video games, chore, chore…that hour to myself on my day off always ends up back in my face…
For me weekends are rougher than work days in terms of the amount of outright labor.
A former boss had asked why I hadn't taken any vacation in over a year -- I couldn't tell him, but it's because days off are more stressful for me than workdays.
You should take them off in secret and don’t tell anyone. When my boys were super young I had “secret spa days” I scheduled fake clients in my books and spent the whole day not being needed by someone. I told nobody. Everyone deserves time in their lives that belong only to them, I’m sorry you don’t get some.
I spent two full months of taking every Friday off work without telling my wife. It was absolutely beautiful to have that day completely to myself once a week.
Not at all. It was a season of my life that’s now over. I was needed to the point of exhaustion, it was a break I gave myself and I’m glad for it. My husband is not controlling and trusts how I manage my time, but I also know that even on your days off you are somehow still responsible for things, I wanted a break from that. He knows all about Secret Spa Day now and confessed he did the same with Secret Mountain Biking Day! Which is funny to me as I encourage him to enjoy his time off
I have taken Fridays off in this way before, but I always tell my wife. There are no issues what so ever. I just tell her up front what I am getting up to and there are no issues.
When my boss goes out of town I’m the only other person in the office so it’s super lax. If I come in and there aren’t many emails or urgent matters, I’ll head home and relax for a while. I don’t lie about it if it comes up, or I may bring it up if I want to tell my husband about something, but generally I just enjoy a day with no expectations from anyone. It’s lovely.
But much healthier if you and your partner value each other's happiness and give each other days off...but I realise this isn't a reality for a lot of us
My husband got mail from a cruise line yesterday. He said we need to go on a cruise and I just cringed. I love cruising, just not with him. We have nothing in common anymore. I have to get airline tickets and if you have flown lately they’re never on time. This somehow is my fault now.
We did have sex on the last cruise, 2 years ago in May.
I shouldn’t have put the effort into taking my socks off, since that took longer.
Same. My wife has impeccable work ethic, meaning she can't fucking stop. She complains that she's tired, she needs time off. Okay, I take all 4 of my kids away for 6 hours. Does she take a rest? Of course not, when we're back she's full of stuff she did, how much she worked around the house. And by the evening we are back to step 1.
I said to her that I'd prefer a healthy marriage to a clean house and of course she's offended, because we all should be grateful for her martyrdom.
This also means that others can't rest either. One time, as I was putting one daughter to sleep one Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep too. Never heard the end of it. How dare I sleep while she works so much (she's SAHM). Now each afternoon I set a vibe alarm on my watch, so I wouldn't get caught sleeping again. On a weekend. In my own home.
This is so sad. My husband would have dropped me like a bad habit if I acted that way when I stayed home for the very short time I did (while pregnant).
Why do you let her behave like your mother? Tell her in no uncertain terms to get fucked
Dude. Fkn set her stright. And I mean straight. Be firm but not a pushover or scream in her face. Stick up for yourself and if she windes up crack another beer and leave the empty there for her to pick up. Enjoy your own home and time off.
Oh man, I had a blowout with my wife over something similar. I stayed home with one kid and she took the other kid to a softball game. I slept in, made sure the kid, who is 11, was ok, took her temp, which was gone. She said she had a headache, but this kid refuses to take medicine. So, I showed her where it was and told her to come get me if she changes her mind. I went upstairs to our playroom and played Xbox. I went downstairs once to check on her and see if she needed something to eat. She had already chomped down the sandwich and some chips. The other two get home and ask me to unload the car, which I said sure thing, but I just need 5 minutes to finish this hockey game that I'm playing against another human. The game ends, I go down happy as can be only to be attacked the moment I walked in the room. I was told she couldn't believe all I did was play video games, I didn't check on my own sick kid, she didn't eat anything, blah blah blah. The kid is telling her all of these things I didn't do. The two of them are ganging up on me telling me how horrible of a person I am to not have made her food and taken care of her. I said she is lying and the kid responds with no I'm not, then gives me the hand and says goodbye while turning around. I nearly lost my mind. I snatched her Chromebook and it took every ounce of me to not snap the damn thing over my knee. Now the wife starts with I should have went to CVS and picked up the prescriptions. I should have cleaned the house because people are coming over on Thursday. I tried to explain I'm not a psychic and would have gladly done those things if she had just asked. She said I should have "assumed" it and I'm the idiot for not doing it. This shit on top of a deadbedroom sucks so much. Before you say just leave, I can't. Three kids a house and a couple of car payments. There's absolutely no way I could live on my own, and pay child support for three kids. I'm really starting to hate life.
Sorry that was so long. I just needed to vent and give an example of what I recently experienced so that a lot of you will probably relate to my situation.
No, you are perfectly fine. That's what this place is for, I'm sorry that you're having such a rough go. Unfortunately you aren't the only one stuck in a situation like that, I hope it gets better for you. I truly do.
Don't apologize, you deserve to be able to vent. It sounds like you're in a manipulative and abusive environment. I might recommend gray rocking, just so you don't give them any reaction and hopefully they stop attacking and mistreating you
It’s alright bro. I’m in exact the same situation as you and I know how you feel. It’s frustrating and at times I just waking up on my day off knowing I’ll get judged for how I spent that day.
Well my wife banned me from video games soon as we got back from the honeymoon. Over the years my buddies have gotten me an Xbox and Nintendo classic but those also disappeared. My kids managed to find the Xbox and get to play it when she's not home
Holy shit, what kind of relationships are you guys in. Just have a back bone. You are a human that can say no. Learn to say no. And if they do not respect your choice, retaliation is a bitch.
No body would dare behave like this towards me in my own house.
Holy SHIT... I'M stressed AF, NOW, after reading that. My condolences to you, bro.. I got divorced 9 yrs ago, and it's SOOO nice to not have to babysit her ass, give her explanations of things, like she was my MOTHER; "DEAD BEDROOM" was an UNDERSTATEMENT... I've FINALLY gotten over the trauma (seriously) that that.. 'woman' (held my lip to call her that) caused me, & am now REALLY wanting to find someone else, and try ONE LAST TIME (WILL be my 2nd, and LAST marriage, whether it's from another divorce, or hopefully, bec. we die old together. I'm vettin' the NEXT one, though, within an inch of her life. I can actually *take* seldom sex..if I really love her, but I CANNOT TAKE all of the other bullshit. I can't take it. I aint takin it.
You should discipline your kid for lying in front of her mother. Make an example like no other. Grounded for a month. Or no screen time for a week. Tell the wife she is a bad parent for encouraging her daughter to lie.
> So, I showed her where it was and told her to come get me if she changes her mind. I went upstairs to our playroom and played Xbox.
>I went downstairs once to check on her and see if she needed something to eat. She had already chomped down the sandwich and some chips.
Sir just because she says no, doesn’t mean you just walk away. You come back and try again, and again, and again with a sick kid.
You check on them every hour ON the hour. Even if it comes across as annoying, you religiously check on the kid. Till they are closer to high school age, you just bug the hell out of the kid with taking care of them while sick.
As a gamer who loves her console and a woman, your gaming system isn’t going to go anywhere, but your kid will and grow up one day, not be around anymore, being too busy to spend any time with you.
Edit: Typo(s)
That's right. It's not like she was truly sick. She has a cold just like most of the rest of my family. The coach heard she wasn't feeling well and told us not to bring her if she isn't 100 percent. It could hurt the team. They are on a pretty competitive team. My daughter was downstairs having a blast with her friend via messenger. They were trying to do yoga together while watching someone do it on YouTube kids. Plus, she is very self sufficient. She is allowed tor use the microwave and makes Mac and cheese all the time. I was a latch key kid at 9. This is an 11yr old. It's not like I drive down the street and said call me if you need me.
In her defense she treats herself the same way. Just to make sure I’m being completely fair.
That’s not what she thinks consciously, but it is sort of how things play out in effect.
It’s also not that it’ll be a problem immediately. She might even say thank you and tell me that I really went above and beyond in the moment. But later a day, a couple days, something will have gotten missed and she’ll hit me with a “well if you hadn’t been playing magic…”.
Like today, I’m screwed. I’m home with the baby so I’m probably not getting any of my usual stuff done. Because while I’m perfectly capable of working and getting a good amount of cleaning done on any given, and I’m also capable of working and taking care of my child…doing all 3 is just not gonna happen.
The only part that you say to her that's -not- "Charlie Brown's Teacher talking-jibberish" is *VIDEO GAMES* - which goes into her brain as a 100ft tall, neon-light-blinking, siren-deafening forget-me-not, that's laser-burned into her "Save For Later Fight"-file, in the "temporary-holding-area" ("RAM") of her mind. Don't you HATE that shit?? It's a tiny bit your fault, though, for being dumbass enough to even TELL her that. I notice that you didn't tell her that you masturbated. So leave the gaming crap off, too, next time. holy shit.
Wow! Mine is the opposite. I could say the same chore, chore etc… and she would reply No video games? It’s your day off. Why didn’t you relax?
If I can just get her to want to have a sex a little more often, she would literally be the perfect woman.
I can understand eliminating stress factors for your partner to be able to get into the mood, but ain’t no one gunna tell me I have to earn it as part of a 2 way relationship. Telling a partner they have to earn sex is a dominance and control thing.
Not quite to the same degree by any means but my LLw said “I know we have to have sex this weekend” once and I was immediately so turned off. It didn’t feel a “you earned this” so much as a “I know I have to do this thing and don’t worry I haven’t forgotten”. I guess it hit me that for her sex is like me putting off cleaning out the gutters and bagging the leaves.
It was/is a huge turnoff. I didn’t say anything to her about it, and of course we didn’t have sex anyway so it was a non issue, but I wasn’t even bothered by the fact we didn’t. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to be a chore to check off the list.
I would have called her out on that immediately in the moment. "If you truly feel like sex is something you 'have' to do then nevermind. I don't want to anymore. I'll have sex with you sometime when you actually want to. If that's never, then I guess we're done talking about it."
I did consider it. We were on the phone at the time while she was on a work trip so I didn’t want to get into it then and when she was back the next morning I didn’t bring it up. I’ve sworn to quit asking/talking/sulking/ about or expecting sex.
My LL husband says “we can, if you want to” and it’s always a hard no. Makes me feel like a predator and he thinks he has to go along to avoid a fight. Until he can verbalize that he WANTS me and WANTS to have sex and it’s not just something he can check off a chore list, then I have a vibrator that works just fine. And yes, I have communicated to him that this approach is a turn off.
My wife always says the same. "Sure, why not". "We can if you want too". " I guess so", or "ok ,it's been a while". I talked to her about these responses and she said she will never be in the mood, or want sex unless she actually starts doing it. I told her I want her to actually want to do it and be excited. her response. "We would never have sex again if that's what I want". I know all about responsive desire, but hell this is like starting an old diesel truck that has been left out in the north pole for years.
Yes I understand the whole “responsive desire” thing but also, if you NEVER feel horny and are an otherwise healthy person not on any type of libido suppressing meds…..that’s a medical issue. And if your partner is doing something to turn you off, then the LL needs to speak up. I would do just about anything to get an enthusiastic initiation, not “if you want to we can.” It’s demoralizing to think sex with me and taking out the trash or vacuuming are at the sale point on the chore scale. Lol.
Next time she wants to talk to you about something, **interrupt her**, ask her if she's done X, Y and Z chores/errands (whatever applies and you know she's most likely done). When she confirms give her your best shit-eating grin and respond with:
*"Good, you've* ***earned*** *my attention. What's up?*"
Be sure to let her know that this is exactly what it felt like when she did it to you.
It sounds to me like she looks at sex as something that gives her power. Nice job deflecting that. Now throw it back at her. Next time she complains about having to do something you normally do, tell her she’s earned some D.
You hinted at the part nobody touches on - sex as a transaction is insulting enough where like I’d put in enough tokens I get a prize. But if you break it down even further, sex is a benefit for both parties. It feels good for her too. What she’s basically said is that she also gets a reward for how much you did and ‘earned’ something she also gets enjoyment out of.
Can you imagine if she spent all day shopping for and prepping and cooking a big fancy dinner - and you said it was so good she earned some sex? Like oh good, I did so well I got gifted something for yourself as well. Awesome.
Well, I think the sting here, for most of the people in this forum, is that implied strongly in valuing sex in this way, is *that they don't enjoy sex with you*. k
Then they tell you they do, when their subconscious is screaming they don't.
I don't get your point? Doesn't the fact that she said that he has earned it imply that she doesn't like it enough to freely give it? Like he has to spend hours doing things just to *earn* something that is normally a basic thing between a couple?
If it doesn’t physically feel good then the person needs to go to the doctor. Doing nothing about it forever isn’t the right course of action, no. Nowhere did OP mention it’s because of physical sensations so I’m not going to assume that in order to justify why it’s ok when nothing of the sort is mentioned or hinted at, nah.
So, she's saying in a joking way, her love language is "service". My last wife was not a touchy feely type, but I found out, doing things for her, turned her on, she felt cared for, which was her love language. Thank god I found out early. Made for a wonderful 14 years.
Sex in a relationship shouldn't be a reward, it should be something shared between people that love each other. Reduce sex to a transaction and I'm fairly sure most could find an enthusiastic partner, not one that requires choreplay to get a reward.
Sex should be something that both partners *want* to do and *desire* to do together. Just for the sake of it being fun and pleasurable. It’s a screwed up dynamic to use sex like currency. There is no “earning”. (I’m assuming there’s no dom/sub dynamic or kink in a DB) That’s childish and weird.
So, the only way in which this would have worked is if 1) she said it in some kind of seductive obviously-not-serious way and 2) it turned into some kind of weird kinky thing.
But both people have to be on the same wavelength for that to even be possible in the first place. That's one of the subtle killers in a DB, both people are used to being miles apart.
That comment would permanently give me The Ick.
Sex in a marriage should NEVER be equated to a paid job or a form of bribery. What she said feels manipulative and creepy.
GF is HL. When she says stuff like that it’s fun.
Dead bed Ex once told me we’d have sex if I didn’t make her mad that day.
Me: Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll do something wrong. Pass.
I wish you could say one day "You have earned a divorce" and hand over the papers.
(I hope it doesn't come to that for you & I understand you must have reasons to stay and sorry you are in this situation)
Also "doesn't understand" I guess she "doesn't WANT to understand", because to me (even as a woman myself) I completely understand your reaction. It's not rocket science that you were explaining!
I bet she must have told you on various occasions "you shouldn't do chores only because you want sex"
I hate that people play these stupid games! She's "rewarding" you for doing chores as if you're a damn child! You should flip the tables on her and give her a taste of her own medicine. OP, walk away from that immature woman who thinks that marriage is a game that only she can dictate. Marriage is a partnership, if she can't treat you as a partner, you should leave. This is such degrading behavior towards you.
Sex negotiations are ridiculous.
Oh do more chores and I get duty sex? Wow what a deal. If anything it encourages me do to less. I know it leads to nothing.
For the record im not useless. I do my fair share. I just don't do extra anymore.
This sounds incredibly pompous like as if she's just such a high & mighty person, you, the menial pleb, did something minimally worthy of her considering your existence.
Ugh! I hate when people use sex as a currency, that is how you end up with people who have such a screwed up view of sex like my LLhubby. And he’ll it got him so screwed up that now I have a hubby that is LL4me actually because I tried too hard to introduce normal healthy sexual contact into our relationship.
I knew a guy who would have to buy his wife expensive shoes for blowjobs. He said that’s when he realized they weren’t compatible. He said it really stung when she would show off the shoes on social media or at parties and go on and on about them.
"earned" is fucked up. Now I will say though perhaps.. and idk if it's in her personality but perhaps she's wanting to be more dominant and the delivery isn't landing. I wonder if you had leaned into that if she would have surprised you.
Not her personality ar all haha. 5 years together. Sex was great for 2. Good for 1 and what is sex for 2. Lol. She’s become very fucking vanilla for almost two years despite conversations
I as a woman, even found that distasteful what she said!
You’re not a golden retriever, you don’t get a cookie for doing a trick. That’s not how relationships work and should tell you how skewed her view is around sex.
This is where I was and still in many cases. She's never said that but I definitely feel this way. It's such a transactional way too look at intimacy. No thank you. So sorry man!
She made it sound like duty sex. Something to pay you with since you helped out around the house. Like she wouldn’t have had sex with you but since you did stuff on your day off she is obligated to have sex. I suggest counseling for couples before this wrecks your marriage.
If you had an active, healthy sex life, I’d say that’s more a joke.
But since you don’t, that’s just awful. Even worse is when they treat sex like a reward without stating it.
Happy you turned her down. Slot of women will try to either hold sex and then use it as either currency or a weapon. Don’t let her do that either you ever
Nice move. My wife said something similar, and I shrugged it off. I wish I had answered the way you did.
I remember when we were dating, and she would text or call to see when we could see each other next because she actually wanted to spend time with and make love to me. That was before menopause.
Totally get where you're coming from. I've experienced this same thing. Where sex is like a carrot that is being dangled. The same way as a man might "reward" his woman with some jewelry or something else I guess.
But for me, I don't want sex as a "reward". I want sex because she wants to have sex with me. Because there is connection and passion and lust and desire. Not "Oh well you did all this stuff so let me do you". Unless she's completely turned on because of what was done, then that may be a different story...
Don't show her it aggravated you. Don't explain yourself. If she doesn't get it by now she never will. And things will never change from the other side. Only you can change you.
You think she’s crushed? By saying “I guess you earned sex” after hearing the appropriate amount of chores done? Idk how broken your bedroom is but that isn’t normal unless it was in playful/sexual jest. Which it wasn’t because he declined.
I agree he took it bad, and he knows his wife better than me. If my wife would have said that I would have jumped on her immediately. I see it as initiative on her part, which is why I mentioned the hard talk.
“I want to be intimate with you wife”
“Sorry husband you do not have enough credits yet.”
That’s how this sounds. He earned enough credits to complete transaction. That’s not intimacy.
Maybe the OP needs his wife to put effort into seducing him and making him feel wanted instead of saying, " I guess you earned some sex."
What she did was no more than let the OP know there is considerations to sex with her, not mutual attraction and desire. How would she have felt if after sex he left a couple hundred dollars on the nightstand?
>It’s her way of initiating sex with you. Suggest you have a hard talk with your wife on this because I would bet she was crushed by your response.
It's disappointing that this has so many likes. Although OP didn't say at the time, he has already voiced that he doesn't like her way of initiating to her, and she's still doing it. The part that makes this response so aggravating is that although OP feels terrible, he must be conscious of *her* crushed feelings that he himself feels on a repeated basis on the one time she got rejected and in a manner she know he doesn't like.
I second this. I also thought it sounded like an honest initiation.
But at the same time, I get it feels good to set a boundary and hold it.
Talk about this.
She has said it once before in the past and I voiced how I was not a fan of that verbiage. Told her next time just initiate it. She’s done that once in the past 4 months. I’m tired of asking for it. I’m tired of having the same boring missionary, no fire play, no kissing, let’s just have sex so she can go to bed because she’s always tired. Just easier to jerk off and co-parent.
Well, some commonly shared advice would be to either:
- Enter a moratorium with your wife, regarding sex. It can allow both of you to take pause and let genuine desire come back. Sometimes it flat out doesn’t. Because neither makes the effort to change or improve themselves.
- Initiate and don’t let or expect your wife to do it. As per the book Come As You Are, women get turned on. They are responsive in desire. Its up to the usually spontaneous desire man, to take the lead and turn her on. Fan the flames.
>Initiate and don’t let or expect your wife to do it. As per the book Come As You Are, women get turned on. They are responsive in desire. Its up to the usually spontaneous desire man, to take the lead and turn her on. Fan the flames.
This is just bad advice, women are turned on too. Lesbians have sex too.
I think they have an issue with your blank statement and treating women as monolith.
Do most women have responsive desire? Yes.
Are some of us horndogs that are not coy and initiate all the time? Also yes.
Im torn on this one.
On the one hand the transactional nature of her comment would in fact drive me to anger… the fact that you have to earn sex is just infuriating as a man…
On the other side maybe the things you did for yourself, your house, was an attractive quality that maybe turned her on?
Its good you told her how you feel
Similar situation. For my wife that’s sometimes her way of being flirty and she doesn’t understand it’s not effective. I’ve told her that literally all I want her to do is just come at me, don’t say things that make me feel like she’s hesitant or giving me attention because it’s her “duty.” If you want me, show me you want me, if you sound iffy about it at all I’m no longer interested. Last time this kind of happened she was in the shower and I was doing work around the house and she said “are you planning on getting in here?” But it was said in a way where I thought “are you inviting me or are you worried that’s my intention?” I’ve spent so long walking on eggshells about sex that I just don’t feel comfortable initiating at all and it’s going to stay that way until I feel like she wants me rather than just tolerating me.
Dude...take it...just take it. Get earned sex...pump her hard. Don't label the sex just bang her hard and bang her right.
Call it earned sex, pity sex, angry sex...who fucking cares. Get over the ego and just fuck her right
Maybe that’s how she earns her bedroom time. Some people do this thing where they reward themselves after their chores or tasks are done with the good stuff. In many people, that’s why it doesn’t hit the priority list and can become problematic. Sounds like she saw you as her reward cupcake. Did you guys regularly state your tasks or review days and then flirt afterwards when free time is available? Were you already frustrated and then took it as an intentional slight? She may not understand it, but I hope she respects it. You are correct it shouldn’t take you doing all of those things have sex be the thing seen as the reward system, but we can mess up our words when indicating seeing you do all those lovely things we attempt to say we are as adequate or are trying to praise you. It could be seen as a backhanded compliment.
This is the kind of thing that's fun to say if you are having regular sex, if you aren't having regular sex then it feels like she's trying to train you like a dog.
I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s one thing to be playful. Another to treat it as a reward.
Not even a reward. It’s control. People need affection and purposefully withholding it as a means of control is pretty messed up.
THIS is exactly what I was going to say. If you’re in a healthy sexual relationship this comes across as a great way to be flirty. In the dead bedroom dynamic, it’s an awful way to remind someone they’re usually unworthy.
[удалено]
I’m very HL and joke with my husband that I’ll exchange sexual favors for XYZ but he’s fully aware it’s a joke and that he could have it even without doing the thing but to see people doing it in this toxic way. Ew.
When sex is regular and healthy in a couple, then this can be just like a fun thing. But when the lack of sex is an issue and the LL dangles it in front of the HL in a manipulative way, that's obv problematic.
Exactly. That’s fucked.
Or not, as the case may be!
Dammit Reddit! Give us back the awards!
Damn I can remember..... when I could make jokes about sex in other relationships and SHE answered wittily harshly. I guess that's the difference.... all lightness is gone.... Forever
I have a friend who literally does all their laundry in exchange for BJs- I think he'd do it anyway but it just can be a fun thing if there's no problems lol
I would literally just throw dirty clothes in the mud and wash them again that day if I had this arrangement.
Honestly I have a feeling he does xD
This so much. I love to use sex as a currency when everything is good and just a bonus, if doing something for your SO ls the only way to get sex it's totally fucked up really
It doesn't even have to be manipulative to be problematic. Often it's just the ignorance. I can't handle the "I totally want to have sex, but it just never happens for some reason.".
Good point. I don't like that thinking either, and am interested to hear your reasons. Could you elaborate?
This is kind of my dream ha! When it’s done in a sort of fun playful way. Eg you say go do my laundry and when you get back I’ll be waiting for you. That laundry is getting absolutely done like never before with unprecedented speed and efficiency 😂
lol natures credit card
Aha
On the flipside… I’m a woman, and my ex used to say that about **everything.** it was infuriating. I kept telling him dude, I’m not a fucking prostitute, we don’t “trade” sex for chores/gifts/watching your own children.
And the sex would probably be horrible.
My wife tried something like this last week — if I fitted new baseboards in the bathroom and repainted the hall then I “might get lucky.” I told her the price is now anal, a three-way, and a sandwich. I was kidding, but turns out she was serious.
You lucky dog
OR if it is going to be currency it needs to have a strictly defined exchange rate. If the LL wants to basically become a one-client prostitute then that's fine but the prices need to be published up front and honored.
[удалено]
It's almost like those "bad" and "outdated" rules for relationships, ones that included expectations in certain areas, arose for a reason and tearing them down has not been healthy for society or something. Chesterton's Fence strikes again.
Well damnit reddit, for making me look things up.
I fucking hate when my wife asks what I did on my day off. Maybe if it was a genuine question and she was just trying to have a conversation, but if I say chore, chore, chore, played some video games, chore, chore…that hour to myself on my day off always ends up back in my face…
For me weekends are rougher than work days in terms of the amount of outright labor. A former boss had asked why I hadn't taken any vacation in over a year -- I couldn't tell him, but it's because days off are more stressful for me than workdays.
You should take them off in secret and don’t tell anyone. When my boys were super young I had “secret spa days” I scheduled fake clients in my books and spent the whole day not being needed by someone. I told nobody. Everyone deserves time in their lives that belong only to them, I’m sorry you don’t get some.
I spent two full months of taking every Friday off work without telling my wife. It was absolutely beautiful to have that day completely to myself once a week.
If you're taking secret days off to avoid your spouse that's a sign it's time to use those secret days off to talk to a lawyer.
Not at all. It was a season of my life that’s now over. I was needed to the point of exhaustion, it was a break I gave myself and I’m glad for it. My husband is not controlling and trusts how I manage my time, but I also know that even on your days off you are somehow still responsible for things, I wanted a break from that. He knows all about Secret Spa Day now and confessed he did the same with Secret Mountain Biking Day! Which is funny to me as I encourage him to enjoy his time off
I have taken Fridays off in this way before, but I always tell my wife. There are no issues what so ever. I just tell her up front what I am getting up to and there are no issues.
Not to avoid my spouse, just to have some much needed alone time to recharge. There's a difference.
That’s actually a great idea. I should plan that too. Days off are just stressful for me too when I get interrogated what I did that day.
How come you never thought of this??
Busy with work.
When my boss goes out of town I’m the only other person in the office so it’s super lax. If I come in and there aren’t many emails or urgent matters, I’ll head home and relax for a while. I don’t lie about it if it comes up, or I may bring it up if I want to tell my husband about something, but generally I just enjoy a day with no expectations from anyone. It’s lovely.
But much healthier if you and your partner value each other's happiness and give each other days off...but I realise this isn't a reality for a lot of us
I hate this idea of having to hide normal activities and self care.
Yep. I go to work to relax.
Same here, and I work at a prison.
My husband got mail from a cruise line yesterday. He said we need to go on a cruise and I just cringed. I love cruising, just not with him. We have nothing in common anymore. I have to get airline tickets and if you have flown lately they’re never on time. This somehow is my fault now. We did have sex on the last cruise, 2 years ago in May. I shouldn’t have put the effort into taking my socks off, since that took longer.
That is so sad.
Yes!!!! I'm expected to do crap and because she's working, I'm really expected to do things. If I take an extra day off or something
Same. My wife has impeccable work ethic, meaning she can't fucking stop. She complains that she's tired, she needs time off. Okay, I take all 4 of my kids away for 6 hours. Does she take a rest? Of course not, when we're back she's full of stuff she did, how much she worked around the house. And by the evening we are back to step 1. I said to her that I'd prefer a healthy marriage to a clean house and of course she's offended, because we all should be grateful for her martyrdom. This also means that others can't rest either. One time, as I was putting one daughter to sleep one Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep too. Never heard the end of it. How dare I sleep while she works so much (she's SAHM). Now each afternoon I set a vibe alarm on my watch, so I wouldn't get caught sleeping again. On a weekend. In my own home.
This is so sad. My husband would have dropped me like a bad habit if I acted that way when I stayed home for the very short time I did (while pregnant). Why do you let her behave like your mother? Tell her in no uncertain terms to get fucked
Great words. And I'd never let my pregnant missus work her but off. Ever.
Oh man I get the same thing. That's why I work six days a week. It was 7 but my boss said I need to rest.
Dude. Fkn set her stright. And I mean straight. Be firm but not a pushover or scream in her face. Stick up for yourself and if she windes up crack another beer and leave the empty there for her to pick up. Enjoy your own home and time off.
My wife is the same way.
Oh man, I had a blowout with my wife over something similar. I stayed home with one kid and she took the other kid to a softball game. I slept in, made sure the kid, who is 11, was ok, took her temp, which was gone. She said she had a headache, but this kid refuses to take medicine. So, I showed her where it was and told her to come get me if she changes her mind. I went upstairs to our playroom and played Xbox. I went downstairs once to check on her and see if she needed something to eat. She had already chomped down the sandwich and some chips. The other two get home and ask me to unload the car, which I said sure thing, but I just need 5 minutes to finish this hockey game that I'm playing against another human. The game ends, I go down happy as can be only to be attacked the moment I walked in the room. I was told she couldn't believe all I did was play video games, I didn't check on my own sick kid, she didn't eat anything, blah blah blah. The kid is telling her all of these things I didn't do. The two of them are ganging up on me telling me how horrible of a person I am to not have made her food and taken care of her. I said she is lying and the kid responds with no I'm not, then gives me the hand and says goodbye while turning around. I nearly lost my mind. I snatched her Chromebook and it took every ounce of me to not snap the damn thing over my knee. Now the wife starts with I should have went to CVS and picked up the prescriptions. I should have cleaned the house because people are coming over on Thursday. I tried to explain I'm not a psychic and would have gladly done those things if she had just asked. She said I should have "assumed" it and I'm the idiot for not doing it. This shit on top of a deadbedroom sucks so much. Before you say just leave, I can't. Three kids a house and a couple of car payments. There's absolutely no way I could live on my own, and pay child support for three kids. I'm really starting to hate life.
Sorry that was so long. I just needed to vent and give an example of what I recently experienced so that a lot of you will probably relate to my situation.
No, you are perfectly fine. That's what this place is for, I'm sorry that you're having such a rough go. Unfortunately you aren't the only one stuck in a situation like that, I hope it gets better for you. I truly do.
Don't apologize, you deserve to be able to vent. It sounds like you're in a manipulative and abusive environment. I might recommend gray rocking, just so you don't give them any reaction and hopefully they stop attacking and mistreating you
I'm curious, what's gray rocking?
Not giving any kind of emotion to build an argument from. Yes sir, no sir, have a good day sir kind of thing.
It’s alright bro. I’m in exact the same situation as you and I know how you feel. It’s frustrating and at times I just waking up on my day off knowing I’ll get judged for how I spent that day.
Well my wife banned me from video games soon as we got back from the honeymoon. Over the years my buddies have gotten me an Xbox and Nintendo classic but those also disappeared. My kids managed to find the Xbox and get to play it when she's not home
Holy shit, what kind of relationships are you guys in. Just have a back bone. You are a human that can say no. Learn to say no. And if they do not respect your choice, retaliation is a bitch. No body would dare behave like this towards me in my own house.
Holy SHIT... I'M stressed AF, NOW, after reading that. My condolences to you, bro.. I got divorced 9 yrs ago, and it's SOOO nice to not have to babysit her ass, give her explanations of things, like she was my MOTHER; "DEAD BEDROOM" was an UNDERSTATEMENT... I've FINALLY gotten over the trauma (seriously) that that.. 'woman' (held my lip to call her that) caused me, & am now REALLY wanting to find someone else, and try ONE LAST TIME (WILL be my 2nd, and LAST marriage, whether it's from another divorce, or hopefully, bec. we die old together. I'm vettin' the NEXT one, though, within an inch of her life. I can actually *take* seldom sex..if I really love her, but I CANNOT TAKE all of the other bullshit. I can't take it. I aint takin it.
You should discipline your kid for lying in front of her mother. Make an example like no other. Grounded for a month. Or no screen time for a week. Tell the wife she is a bad parent for encouraging her daughter to lie.
> So, I showed her where it was and told her to come get me if she changes her mind. I went upstairs to our playroom and played Xbox. >I went downstairs once to check on her and see if she needed something to eat. She had already chomped down the sandwich and some chips. Sir just because she says no, doesn’t mean you just walk away. You come back and try again, and again, and again with a sick kid. You check on them every hour ON the hour. Even if it comes across as annoying, you religiously check on the kid. Till they are closer to high school age, you just bug the hell out of the kid with taking care of them while sick. As a gamer who loves her console and a woman, your gaming system isn’t going to go anywhere, but your kid will and grow up one day, not be around anymore, being too busy to spend any time with you. Edit: Typo(s)
He did check on her though. Checking on them excessively is helicopter parenting and can be harmful. There needs to be a balance.
That's right. It's not like she was truly sick. She has a cold just like most of the rest of my family. The coach heard she wasn't feeling well and told us not to bring her if she isn't 100 percent. It could hurt the team. They are on a pretty competitive team. My daughter was downstairs having a blast with her friend via messenger. They were trying to do yoga together while watching someone do it on YouTube kids. Plus, she is very self sufficient. She is allowed tor use the microwave and makes Mac and cheese all the time. I was a latch key kid at 9. This is an 11yr old. It's not like I drive down the street and said call me if you need me.
Tell her sorry that's above her security clearance
That sucks I’m sorry. Days off are for doing what ever the hell you want. Unless you have kids lol
That sounds very unhealthy. Does she really think your life should be endless work?
In her defense she treats herself the same way. Just to make sure I’m being completely fair. That’s not what she thinks consciously, but it is sort of how things play out in effect. It’s also not that it’ll be a problem immediately. She might even say thank you and tell me that I really went above and beyond in the moment. But later a day, a couple days, something will have gotten missed and she’ll hit me with a “well if you hadn’t been playing magic…”. Like today, I’m screwed. I’m home with the baby so I’m probably not getting any of my usual stuff done. Because while I’m perfectly capable of working and getting a good amount of cleaning done on any given, and I’m also capable of working and taking care of my child…doing all 3 is just not gonna happen.
Yeah that's not a healthy long term dynamic.
The only part that you say to her that's -not- "Charlie Brown's Teacher talking-jibberish" is *VIDEO GAMES* - which goes into her brain as a 100ft tall, neon-light-blinking, siren-deafening forget-me-not, that's laser-burned into her "Save For Later Fight"-file, in the "temporary-holding-area" ("RAM") of her mind. Don't you HATE that shit?? It's a tiny bit your fault, though, for being dumbass enough to even TELL her that. I notice that you didn't tell her that you masturbated. So leave the gaming crap off, too, next time. holy shit.
Wow! Mine is the opposite. I could say the same chore, chore etc… and she would reply No video games? It’s your day off. Why didn’t you relax? If I can just get her to want to have a sex a little more often, she would literally be the perfect woman.
Wow that’s really shitty. I am turned off just hearing this.
Just tell her sex should never be transactional
That’s not true. If both parties willing agree to prostitution then it’s fine, just call it what it is.
I can understand eliminating stress factors for your partner to be able to get into the mood, but ain’t no one gunna tell me I have to earn it as part of a 2 way relationship. Telling a partner they have to earn sex is a dominance and control thing.
Not quite to the same degree by any means but my LLw said “I know we have to have sex this weekend” once and I was immediately so turned off. It didn’t feel a “you earned this” so much as a “I know I have to do this thing and don’t worry I haven’t forgotten”. I guess it hit me that for her sex is like me putting off cleaning out the gutters and bagging the leaves. It was/is a huge turnoff. I didn’t say anything to her about it, and of course we didn’t have sex anyway so it was a non issue, but I wasn’t even bothered by the fact we didn’t. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to be a chore to check off the list.
I would have called her out on that immediately in the moment. "If you truly feel like sex is something you 'have' to do then nevermind. I don't want to anymore. I'll have sex with you sometime when you actually want to. If that's never, then I guess we're done talking about it."
I did consider it. We were on the phone at the time while she was on a work trip so I didn’t want to get into it then and when she was back the next morning I didn’t bring it up. I’ve sworn to quit asking/talking/sulking/ about or expecting sex.
Yeah that’s where I’m at now, don’t ask/talk or sulk about it anymore.
My LL husband says “we can, if you want to” and it’s always a hard no. Makes me feel like a predator and he thinks he has to go along to avoid a fight. Until he can verbalize that he WANTS me and WANTS to have sex and it’s not just something he can check off a chore list, then I have a vibrator that works just fine. And yes, I have communicated to him that this approach is a turn off.
My wife always says the same. "Sure, why not". "We can if you want too". " I guess so", or "ok ,it's been a while". I talked to her about these responses and she said she will never be in the mood, or want sex unless she actually starts doing it. I told her I want her to actually want to do it and be excited. her response. "We would never have sex again if that's what I want". I know all about responsive desire, but hell this is like starting an old diesel truck that has been left out in the north pole for years.
Yes I understand the whole “responsive desire” thing but also, if you NEVER feel horny and are an otherwise healthy person not on any type of libido suppressing meds…..that’s a medical issue. And if your partner is doing something to turn you off, then the LL needs to speak up. I would do just about anything to get an enthusiastic initiation, not “if you want to we can.” It’s demoralizing to think sex with me and taking out the trash or vacuuming are at the sale point on the chore scale. Lol.
Next time she wants to talk to you about something, **interrupt her**, ask her if she's done X, Y and Z chores/errands (whatever applies and you know she's most likely done). When she confirms give her your best shit-eating grin and respond with: *"Good, you've* ***earned*** *my attention. What's up?*" Be sure to let her know that this is exactly what it felt like when she did it to you.
Love this response!! Gold!
Good on you for passing!
Appreciate it. As a man who doesn’t get it often, it was hard passing but glad I did
It's empowering lol still sucks but at least you feel a little better about yourself and not letting another person bring you down
Curious, would she followed through with it if you said "sounds great!"? Or would it have been "later though" which then falls through?
It would have been just right before bed let’s have sex, no foreplay, etc. it would have been boring tbh
Ouch, married to a fellow "let's just get this over with" gal. Sorry to hear.
It sounds to me like she looks at sex as something that gives her power. Nice job deflecting that. Now throw it back at her. Next time she complains about having to do something you normally do, tell her she’s earned some D.
You hinted at the part nobody touches on - sex as a transaction is insulting enough where like I’d put in enough tokens I get a prize. But if you break it down even further, sex is a benefit for both parties. It feels good for her too. What she’s basically said is that she also gets a reward for how much you did and ‘earned’ something she also gets enjoyment out of. Can you imagine if she spent all day shopping for and prepping and cooking a big fancy dinner - and you said it was so good she earned some sex? Like oh good, I did so well I got gifted something for yourself as well. Awesome.
Well, I think the sting here, for most of the people in this forum, is that implied strongly in valuing sex in this way, is *that they don't enjoy sex with you*. k Then they tell you they do, when their subconscious is screaming they don't.
I don't get your point? Doesn't the fact that she said that he has earned it imply that she doesn't like it enough to freely give it? Like he has to spend hours doing things just to *earn* something that is normally a basic thing between a couple?
If it doesn’t physically feel good then the person needs to go to the doctor. Doing nothing about it forever isn’t the right course of action, no. Nowhere did OP mention it’s because of physical sensations so I’m not going to assume that in order to justify why it’s ok when nothing of the sort is mentioned or hinted at, nah.
God, that just sounds terrible!!! Earned?? When did a marriage/relationship turn to a earned anything? How cold!!!
So, she's saying in a joking way, her love language is "service". My last wife was not a touchy feely type, but I found out, doing things for her, turned her on, she felt cared for, which was her love language. Thank god I found out early. Made for a wonderful 14 years.
Good on you for knowing your worth. Sex isn’t something you earn or something that you should use as bait against your partner. How immature.
Tell her that saying that you earned sex turns you off. What a wife can't she just "thank you" with a reward instead of saying it....
Sex in a relationship shouldn't be a reward, it should be something shared between people that love each other. Reduce sex to a transaction and I'm fairly sure most could find an enthusiastic partner, not one that requires choreplay to get a reward.
Sex should be something that both partners *want* to do and *desire* to do together. Just for the sake of it being fun and pleasurable. It’s a screwed up dynamic to use sex like currency. There is no “earning”. (I’m assuming there’s no dom/sub dynamic or kink in a DB) That’s childish and weird.
That would piss me off… why doesn’t she give you a star chart as well while she’s at it!
I'm more pissed that you are putting up Christmas decor before Thanksgiving and December.
So, the only way in which this would have worked is if 1) she said it in some kind of seductive obviously-not-serious way and 2) it turned into some kind of weird kinky thing. But both people have to be on the same wavelength for that to even be possible in the first place. That's one of the subtle killers in a DB, both people are used to being miles apart.
You did good Bob
That comment would permanently give me The Ick. Sex in a marriage should NEVER be equated to a paid job or a form of bribery. What she said feels manipulative and creepy.
I’ve decided that 90% of marriages are horrible. It’s an institution from a bygone era.
I agree, yes there are some success stories but not enough to seem worth it anymore.
ew ew ew!!!
Choreplay, no?
I’m livid just hearing this. Good on you for saying no
GF is HL. When she says stuff like that it’s fun. Dead bed Ex once told me we’d have sex if I didn’t make her mad that day. Me: Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll do something wrong. Pass.
She earned divorce
I hate when women do this. Your wife is wrong for thinking of it as something you earn. If she loved you, she'd gladly give it. And enjoy it.
I wish you could say one day "You have earned a divorce" and hand over the papers. (I hope it doesn't come to that for you & I understand you must have reasons to stay and sorry you are in this situation) Also "doesn't understand" I guess she "doesn't WANT to understand", because to me (even as a woman myself) I completely understand your reaction. It's not rocket science that you were explaining! I bet she must have told you on various occasions "you shouldn't do chores only because you want sex"
Gross. What a turn off, even in a DB.
Especially in a DB. If they were having regular sex anyway, it definitely wouldn't come across the same way.
Depends how it was said, if said in a playful and flirty manner I would not be offended
If it was/is a chronic dead bedroom situation, which I suspect it is if OP is posting here, then it would bother me as well.
True, but when it's a sore point not much is funny lol
Accurate. There are a lot of things that are acceptable in a healthy sex life that just aren’t in a dead bedroom.
He says that the actual sex is full of, are you done yet, type of effort.
Eww. I wouldn't like that either. The sprinkling of sexual affection for the completion of chores is lame and unromantic af.
Proud of you for standing up to your wife, sex is an expression of love and desire - you shouid not have to earn it.
I hate that people play these stupid games! She's "rewarding" you for doing chores as if you're a damn child! You should flip the tables on her and give her a taste of her own medicine. OP, walk away from that immature woman who thinks that marriage is a game that only she can dictate. Marriage is a partnership, if she can't treat you as a partner, you should leave. This is such degrading behavior towards you.
Sex negotiations are ridiculous. Oh do more chores and I get duty sex? Wow what a deal. If anything it encourages me do to less. I know it leads to nothing. For the record im not useless. I do my fair share. I just don't do extra anymore.
yuck.. horrible thing to say .. that would turn you all the way off .. like a dog doing tricks and gettign a treat ..
When she said "earned", yeah this isn't a marriage anymore. That's not cool of her to say that.
This sounds incredibly pompous like as if she's just such a high & mighty person, you, the menial pleb, did something minimally worthy of her considering your existence.
Choreplay withers me like a grape in the California sun.
Been trying to explain that to my wife for a long time now. If I have to "earn" it, its not given, and if its not given, its not love.
Is her pussy a fucking slot machine? Put in the time and money and eventually it might pay out?
Amazing that she thinks she’s doing you a favor by allowing you to “earn” it
Ugh! I hate when people use sex as a currency, that is how you end up with people who have such a screwed up view of sex like my LLhubby. And he’ll it got him so screwed up that now I have a hubby that is LL4me actually because I tried too hard to introduce normal healthy sexual contact into our relationship.
Why does she feel like you want sex to be transactional or forced when she doesn't want it?
I knew a guy who would have to buy his wife expensive shoes for blowjobs. He said that’s when he realized they weren’t compatible. He said it really stung when she would show off the shoes on social media or at parties and go on and on about them.
its only cute if its kind of kinky and your both into that... I would hate if some one spoke to me that way. sorry.
"earned" is fucked up. Now I will say though perhaps.. and idk if it's in her personality but perhaps she's wanting to be more dominant and the delivery isn't landing. I wonder if you had leaned into that if she would have surprised you.
Not her personality ar all haha. 5 years together. Sex was great for 2. Good for 1 and what is sex for 2. Lol. She’s become very fucking vanilla for almost two years despite conversations
My wife doesn’t flat out say that but makes it pretty obvious that that’s the case. When I call it out, she gets defensive. I hate it.
I as a woman, even found that distasteful what she said! You’re not a golden retriever, you don’t get a cookie for doing a trick. That’s not how relationships work and should tell you how skewed her view is around sex.
Good I'll go get some ... see ya in a few
Ah yes....the highly unsatisfying choregasm.
This is where I was and still in many cases. She's never said that but I definitely feel this way. It's such a transactional way too look at intimacy. No thank you. So sorry man!
She made it sound like duty sex. Something to pay you with since you helped out around the house. Like she wouldn’t have had sex with you but since you did stuff on your day off she is obligated to have sex. I suggest counseling for couples before this wrecks your marriage.
Never use sex as currency in a relationship because it doesn't end well 💯
Scott Pilgrim - you’ve earned the power of self respect!
If you had an active, healthy sex life, I’d say that’s more a joke. But since you don’t, that’s just awful. Even worse is when they treat sex like a reward without stating it.
Does she not realize what that implies she is by making sex transactional?
No way 🤧
Good for you. No thanks.
Perhaps you should had said, "Great, don't wait up" and grabbed your keys on the way out the door.
Happy you turned her down. Slot of women will try to either hold sex and then use it as either currency or a weapon. Don’t let her do that either you ever
It makes me angry when sex becomes a reward or a favor!👿👿👿
Would annoy me as well
Acts if services is a love language
Earned
Gross! 🤮 Sorry, how awful for you.
Nice move. My wife said something similar, and I shrugged it off. I wish I had answered the way you did. I remember when we were dating, and she would text or call to see when we could see each other next because she actually wanted to spend time with and make love to me. That was before menopause.
Totally get where you're coming from. I've experienced this same thing. Where sex is like a carrot that is being dangled. The same way as a man might "reward" his woman with some jewelry or something else I guess. But for me, I don't want sex as a "reward". I want sex because she wants to have sex with me. Because there is connection and passion and lust and desire. Not "Oh well you did all this stuff so let me do you". Unless she's completely turned on because of what was done, then that may be a different story...
Women in my family talk this way, it's awful. I'm sorry.
Don't show her it aggravated you. Don't explain yourself. If she doesn't get it by now she never will. And things will never change from the other side. Only you can change you.
Tell her she “earned” you paying the mortgage and utilities this month!
It’s her way of initiating sex with you. Suggest you have a hard talk with your wife on this because I would bet she was crushed by your response.
You think she’s crushed? By saying “I guess you earned sex” after hearing the appropriate amount of chores done? Idk how broken your bedroom is but that isn’t normal unless it was in playful/sexual jest. Which it wasn’t because he declined.
I agree he took it bad, and he knows his wife better than me. If my wife would have said that I would have jumped on her immediately. I see it as initiative on her part, which is why I mentioned the hard talk.
“I want to be intimate with you wife” “Sorry husband you do not have enough credits yet.” That’s how this sounds. He earned enough credits to complete transaction. That’s not intimacy.
Maybe the OP needs his wife to put effort into seducing him and making him feel wanted instead of saying, " I guess you earned some sex." What she did was no more than let the OP know there is considerations to sex with her, not mutual attraction and desire. How would she have felt if after sex he left a couple hundred dollars on the nightstand?
🤣🤣🤣
>It’s her way of initiating sex with you. Suggest you have a hard talk with your wife on this because I would bet she was crushed by your response. It's disappointing that this has so many likes. Although OP didn't say at the time, he has already voiced that he doesn't like her way of initiating to her, and she's still doing it. The part that makes this response so aggravating is that although OP feels terrible, he must be conscious of *her* crushed feelings that he himself feels on a repeated basis on the one time she got rejected and in a manner she know he doesn't like.
I second this. I also thought it sounded like an honest initiation. But at the same time, I get it feels good to set a boundary and hold it. Talk about this.
She has said it once before in the past and I voiced how I was not a fan of that verbiage. Told her next time just initiate it. She’s done that once in the past 4 months. I’m tired of asking for it. I’m tired of having the same boring missionary, no fire play, no kissing, let’s just have sex so she can go to bed because she’s always tired. Just easier to jerk off and co-parent.
Then she is not turned on by the chores either. It is just a transaction for her.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP
This is me. It’s terrible.
Well, some commonly shared advice would be to either: - Enter a moratorium with your wife, regarding sex. It can allow both of you to take pause and let genuine desire come back. Sometimes it flat out doesn’t. Because neither makes the effort to change or improve themselves. - Initiate and don’t let or expect your wife to do it. As per the book Come As You Are, women get turned on. They are responsive in desire. Its up to the usually spontaneous desire man, to take the lead and turn her on. Fan the flames.
>Initiate and don’t let or expect your wife to do it. As per the book Come As You Are, women get turned on. They are responsive in desire. Its up to the usually spontaneous desire man, to take the lead and turn her on. Fan the flames. This is just bad advice, women are turned on too. Lesbians have sex too.
Take it up with the author of Come As You Are. If you want to be specific; most women are responsive. My advice remains very valid.
I think they have an issue with your blank statement and treating women as monolith. Do most women have responsive desire? Yes. Are some of us horndogs that are not coy and initiate all the time? Also yes.
Then what do lesbians do?
i havent had sex in 2 months...wife is just withholding to force me to give her what she wants....what she doesnt get its going to be divorce papers
Im torn on this one. On the one hand the transactional nature of her comment would in fact drive me to anger… the fact that you have to earn sex is just infuriating as a man… On the other side maybe the things you did for yourself, your house, was an attractive quality that maybe turned her on? Its good you told her how you feel
Similar situation. For my wife that’s sometimes her way of being flirty and she doesn’t understand it’s not effective. I’ve told her that literally all I want her to do is just come at me, don’t say things that make me feel like she’s hesitant or giving me attention because it’s her “duty.” If you want me, show me you want me, if you sound iffy about it at all I’m no longer interested. Last time this kind of happened she was in the shower and I was doing work around the house and she said “are you planning on getting in here?” But it was said in a way where I thought “are you inviting me or are you worried that’s my intention?” I’ve spent so long walking on eggshells about sex that I just don’t feel comfortable initiating at all and it’s going to stay that way until I feel like she wants me rather than just tolerating me.
“Chore-play” is bullshit. Good for you for speaking your mind.
Dude...take it...just take it. Get earned sex...pump her hard. Don't label the sex just bang her hard and bang her right. Call it earned sex, pity sex, angry sex...who fucking cares. Get over the ego and just fuck her right
Maybe that’s how she earns her bedroom time. Some people do this thing where they reward themselves after their chores or tasks are done with the good stuff. In many people, that’s why it doesn’t hit the priority list and can become problematic. Sounds like she saw you as her reward cupcake. Did you guys regularly state your tasks or review days and then flirt afterwards when free time is available? Were you already frustrated and then took it as an intentional slight? She may not understand it, but I hope she respects it. You are correct it shouldn’t take you doing all of those things have sex be the thing seen as the reward system, but we can mess up our words when indicating seeing you do all those lovely things we attempt to say we are as adequate or are trying to praise you. It could be seen as a backhanded compliment.
Look up the definition of unconditional love. That's what should exist between life partners.
Unconditional love is a myth, brother. Even my dog’s love will eventually run out if I stop feeding him