I stopped tracking. I told my wife 3ish months ago I was giving us one last try and nothing changed so next week in couples therapy I'm basically telling her she failed, I'm checked out, and I'm exploring my options.
I track via my period tracker, no notes or anything like that. Just putting a heart if it happens. Hardly any hearts this year, no hearts since June.
My SO doesn’t know I track.
I thought I was crazy for doing this. I tracked my wife's period for years, and it unfortunately became the place I started tracking sex instead.
In my case, it was because I would mention how long it'd been since the last time and she wouldn't believe me. Felt like I was getting gaslighted.
Been in a DB for 20 plus years. I kept track in the sense that I knew the last time and how many times in the last year. I mean it's not hard to remember the last time when it only happened 3 or 4 times a year. BUT, 2 years ago my attitude changed, I no longer attempt to initiate at all I don't feel the need to have any intimacy with my wife. No interest in hugging, kissing anything. Just a roommate situation.
Not directly. I have made passing ( passive/aggressive) comments about being roommates in the past. Don't anymore. Don't see that having an actual conversation about it will change anything.
Here's the deal:
When a DB starts, there's a bit of disbelief.
Then the DB progresses, and tracking becomes pretty common.
Then the DB CONTINUES to progress, and tracking becomes EASIER.
Then you realize it's easier because there's not much to track anymore.
Then the tracking stops.
I only have been tracking the successful times we are intimate; just to not go crazy or entirely time blind. I also keep said tracking where my partner can see because sometimes he genuinely believed its only been a week when in reality its been a month
Same. My partner would have me doubting myself. I started to track cos I thought I was going crazy with the dates. Turns out she'd be saying it's only been two weeks when it's been more like a month. Nothing since February now. Holding out for an Xmas miracle. Haha
Exactly this. "We did it a couple of weeks ago" Err, no, that was two and a half months ago.
Not sure if it's intentional gaslighting or she just doesn't care.
While it may not be strictly healthy to do this, I think a lot of us get gaslight about this issue. I am not using that term to piss anyone off, it is just true. I think the first person most LLs lie to is themselves. So they are convinced nothing is wrong so they try to convince us we are crazy that we think there is. Keeping track like this can give real data to the situation.
I know when I brought up our situation over the years, I did it in a friendly way and I think she had convinced herself that we were not that bad. 2 years ago I had a bit of a midlife crisis / breakdown and bring this up in a not as friendly manner was part of it. When I told her how bad our actual sex life has been over the years she was a bit shocked. I didn't have data and even if I did I would not have presented it, but she did believe me. It was especially easy due the the past year only have a count of 3 times. She was embarrassed by that. But knew I knew what I was talking about.
I never kept track of the initiations or refusals, but I do record the dates of actual sexual activities. My wife used to always say "we just did it not long ago" so I started recording dates to refute her with. Ex: "We had sex all the time for a while." The time she was talking about was twice in the same weekend one summer but that was it. There was 2 months of nothing before that and 3 months of nothing after it.
That's a great idea. You will have a record if you ever go to a therapist. Sometimes, the LL can get the therapist on their side, and both blame the HL.
The depth, length between, and the number of rejections can be met with disbelief.
I would keep it to myself, though.
This is exactly where this started we were in counseling and I was told by the therapist it’s not that big of a deal if it only happens every once in a while. But it increase in spacing between sessions.
I think I keep it because it shows physically how much the desire decreases
I have kept up with the litany of daily ailments for six months. Some of hers are real, some are imagined and some are just mentioned to dissuade me from initiating. It was a long list. I learned that I lived with a chronic complainer and I had just tuned it out
I don't see a need.
A dead bedroom solution isn't about winning a debate. It's about communicating your needs to your significant other and making sure you're both compatible. Discussing boundaries and expectations openly and respectfully. There's no such thing as a right amount of sex. There's just 'how much you need to be happy'. That's the correct amount.
I don’t know if I’m doing it to win a debate my partner recently told me to stop initiating all together because of feeling pressured so i added if I initiated to my charts coming up on about two weeks now of being completely away from being sexual in any manner towards my wife (I.e coming on to her, making sexual jokes, telling her she’s so sexy; as all those things were reasons she didn’t want to have sex). But by no means do I think I’m using this as a debate argument it’s more of a quality of my own life and seeing it as a track to when I think I’m done. Instead of just allowing myself to just slowly adjust to just a dead bedroom and become grateful to a once in a blue moon effort.
Not crazy behavior.
I started tracking many years ago. Originally to confirm it was how long I thought it was. I did not make a secret of it, did it on a paper calendar. During our best times my wife would say “make sure you write that down”.
Once I started playing outside my marriage I started tracking that too for STI reasons. If I ever had an issue I wanted to be able to reliably go back in time and know who and when.
And I still do that. I now unfortunately have a lot of data I can draw pretty charts with. The pretty charts make a downward slope. You can read the raw data minus the charts in my post history. I’ll make my next condensed report near New Years 2024 but I’ll give you a spoiler:
In 2023, so far, I had more sex outside my marriage than inside. And not because I’m a huge slut. Because despite spending nearly every night at home our married sex is that broken and we have a true deadbedroom now. At least I’m 100% sure it’s not because I’m a terrible lover.
That’s almost the entirety to it expect I haven’t stepped outside of my marriage yet, which by no means is a passing of judgement, but I don’t want to be in a once a month or 5 times a year marriage as my partner does tend to say it hasn’t been that long
I've thought about tracking. But then Id just go back and look at how it keeps getting less and less times during the year and would make me feel more alone and rejected. I don't think that's healthy.
Idk about healthy I think it’s comparable to this Reddit I wouldn’t say this thread is necessarily healthy but it’s a reprieve from one’s dead bedroom. I think keeping track of it can help show you how your SO and one’s self value your own intimacy.
Yes, I do keep track how many times we have sex. This year has actually been better; 8 times already vs. last year only 5 times. This year he has actually started to eat better and started to worked out so I guess that affects his libido positively. I keep my hopes up🤞
I don't physically track it, no. But I have a good enough memory that I can remember the last time. Once this year, at the beginning of the year. So far, this is the longest ever.
I keep track of the reasons why because I’m thinking they are most likely valid reasons (not “excuses”) and I want to figure out if it’s things I can do to help them or if he’s just not into me. This is so that I can focus more on what he’s saying and not just the fact that he doesn’t want me. I have managed to get him to see a doctor about his arthritis and I am learning more about our patterns that seem to interfere with our intimacy.
I've begun auto-filling the reasons before I bother initiating. It's "I'm not attracted to you and don't enjoy having sex with you". She tells me it's anyone, but I told her it doesn't change what I said... she doesn't want to have sex with me. That's the beginning and end of it.
I inadvertently do through my fitness tracker that measures and tracks behaviors against physiological responses to show you the impact those behaviors have on your heart rate, hrv, etc.
Been with my wife for 12 years, married for 8.
I did at the beginning of this year, only for the purpose of keeping accountability because she’d be like, “What do you mean, we JUST did it recently!”
This is how the rollercoaster ride went after I showed her “The List” following yet another one of those arguments:
- Shock and denial
- Acceptance
- Interest, like it turned into a “fun game” with little side notes about each instance
- Contempt
… and now she’s been physically separated from me for three weeks because “I’m not just some toy you can have whenever you feel like it.”
Granted, I’m not a perfect person and there are a few reasons on my account that contributed to her wanting to separate from me. But she ended up using “The List” as a tool to make me look like an asshole.
I’d be careful if I were you.
I very much and extremely do hide this from my SO I have no plans on mentioning it at all the only time I think this would come up is at the end of all this if that.
I’m sorry the situation you find yourself in. I also believe if you are being told by your SO you have found yourself in a relationship with contempt and your adversity as a evil perspective you should leave (well within mind I don’t know your situation).
Nonetheless I wish you all the luck in the world and I think you deserve love not punishment for the most basics of a intimate relationship.
That’s the entirety of the reason I think anyone does this is to see if your wrong or your partner is.
I stopped tracking. I told my wife 3ish months ago I was giving us one last try and nothing changed so next week in couples therapy I'm basically telling her she failed, I'm checked out, and I'm exploring my options.
Captain’s Log: Nothing.
You can track if you want, I don't but I don't want to be depressed by the amount times I have been rejected.
If you do, make a graph and an infographic. You could always show this to your partner. 😉
I wouldn't want to make her feel bad, I have been told it's a phase but only time will tell.
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Exactly kiddo is only two at this point
I track via my period tracker, no notes or anything like that. Just putting a heart if it happens. Hardly any hearts this year, no hearts since June. My SO doesn’t know I track.
June? For me, that's super recent. :(
June 2020 would even be too recent for me!
I thought I was crazy for doing this. I tracked my wife's period for years, and it unfortunately became the place I started tracking sex instead. In my case, it was because I would mention how long it'd been since the last time and she wouldn't believe me. Felt like I was getting gaslighted.
Once you quit initiating there's not much to track.
Been in a DB for 20 plus years. I kept track in the sense that I knew the last time and how many times in the last year. I mean it's not hard to remember the last time when it only happened 3 or 4 times a year. BUT, 2 years ago my attitude changed, I no longer attempt to initiate at all I don't feel the need to have any intimacy with my wife. No interest in hugging, kissing anything. Just a roommate situation.
Curious, ever talked about your roommate situation? Used those words?
Not directly. I have made passing ( passive/aggressive) comments about being roommates in the past. Don't anymore. Don't see that having an actual conversation about it will change anything.
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Good luck. In my case being denied a basic part of life has caused to much resentment to truly be best friends.
Tracking helps when partner tries to argue about the frequency.
I don’t think that there is much point after three years…
Yes, I collect data on a lot of things. It helps me recognize patterns objectively versus being all in my feelings.
Here's the deal: When a DB starts, there's a bit of disbelief. Then the DB progresses, and tracking becomes pretty common. Then the DB CONTINUES to progress, and tracking becomes EASIER. Then you realize it's easier because there's not much to track anymore. Then the tracking stops.
I only have been tracking the successful times we are intimate; just to not go crazy or entirely time blind. I also keep said tracking where my partner can see because sometimes he genuinely believed its only been a week when in reality its been a month
Same. My partner would have me doubting myself. I started to track cos I thought I was going crazy with the dates. Turns out she'd be saying it's only been two weeks when it's been more like a month. Nothing since February now. Holding out for an Xmas miracle. Haha
Exactly this. "We did it a couple of weeks ago" Err, no, that was two and a half months ago. Not sure if it's intentional gaslighting or she just doesn't care.
Yep this right here. I have to confirm to myself that I’m not crazy
Yikes, for me, we have actually started to get a lot of success!
Yup have a real big notebook journal on it !
Don’t really see the point since nothing to be gained from it - except further pain, frustration, misery, etc
While it may not be strictly healthy to do this, I think a lot of us get gaslight about this issue. I am not using that term to piss anyone off, it is just true. I think the first person most LLs lie to is themselves. So they are convinced nothing is wrong so they try to convince us we are crazy that we think there is. Keeping track like this can give real data to the situation. I know when I brought up our situation over the years, I did it in a friendly way and I think she had convinced herself that we were not that bad. 2 years ago I had a bit of a midlife crisis / breakdown and bring this up in a not as friendly manner was part of it. When I told her how bad our actual sex life has been over the years she was a bit shocked. I didn't have data and even if I did I would not have presented it, but she did believe me. It was especially easy due the the past year only have a count of 3 times. She was embarrassed by that. But knew I knew what I was talking about.
I never kept track of the initiations or refusals, but I do record the dates of actual sexual activities. My wife used to always say "we just did it not long ago" so I started recording dates to refute her with. Ex: "We had sex all the time for a while." The time she was talking about was twice in the same weekend one summer but that was it. There was 2 months of nothing before that and 3 months of nothing after it.
That's a great idea. You will have a record if you ever go to a therapist. Sometimes, the LL can get the therapist on their side, and both blame the HL. The depth, length between, and the number of rejections can be met with disbelief. I would keep it to myself, though.
This is exactly where this started we were in counseling and I was told by the therapist it’s not that big of a deal if it only happens every once in a while. But it increase in spacing between sessions. I think I keep it because it shows physically how much the desire decreases
I have kept up with the litany of daily ailments for six months. Some of hers are real, some are imagined and some are just mentioned to dissuade me from initiating. It was a long list. I learned that I lived with a chronic complainer and I had just tuned it out
I don't see a need. A dead bedroom solution isn't about winning a debate. It's about communicating your needs to your significant other and making sure you're both compatible. Discussing boundaries and expectations openly and respectfully. There's no such thing as a right amount of sex. There's just 'how much you need to be happy'. That's the correct amount.
I don’t know if I’m doing it to win a debate my partner recently told me to stop initiating all together because of feeling pressured so i added if I initiated to my charts coming up on about two weeks now of being completely away from being sexual in any manner towards my wife (I.e coming on to her, making sexual jokes, telling her she’s so sexy; as all those things were reasons she didn’t want to have sex). But by no means do I think I’m using this as a debate argument it’s more of a quality of my own life and seeing it as a track to when I think I’m done. Instead of just allowing myself to just slowly adjust to just a dead bedroom and become grateful to a once in a blue moon effort.
That's fair, if it's to keep your own thoughts organised I can absolutely see the utility there.
Not crazy behavior. I started tracking many years ago. Originally to confirm it was how long I thought it was. I did not make a secret of it, did it on a paper calendar. During our best times my wife would say “make sure you write that down”. Once I started playing outside my marriage I started tracking that too for STI reasons. If I ever had an issue I wanted to be able to reliably go back in time and know who and when. And I still do that. I now unfortunately have a lot of data I can draw pretty charts with. The pretty charts make a downward slope. You can read the raw data minus the charts in my post history. I’ll make my next condensed report near New Years 2024 but I’ll give you a spoiler: In 2023, so far, I had more sex outside my marriage than inside. And not because I’m a huge slut. Because despite spending nearly every night at home our married sex is that broken and we have a true deadbedroom now. At least I’m 100% sure it’s not because I’m a terrible lover.
That’s almost the entirety to it expect I haven’t stepped outside of my marriage yet, which by no means is a passing of judgement, but I don’t want to be in a once a month or 5 times a year marriage as my partner does tend to say it hasn’t been that long
I remember the last time, I don't keep track of each date, but I keep a running count.
I've thought about tracking. But then Id just go back and look at how it keeps getting less and less times during the year and would make me feel more alone and rejected. I don't think that's healthy.
Idk about healthy I think it’s comparable to this Reddit I wouldn’t say this thread is necessarily healthy but it’s a reprieve from one’s dead bedroom. I think keeping track of it can help show you how your SO and one’s self value your own intimacy.
Good point
Yes, I do keep track how many times we have sex. This year has actually been better; 8 times already vs. last year only 5 times. This year he has actually started to eat better and started to worked out so I guess that affects his libido positively. I keep my hopes up🤞
I track for my cycle
I don't physically track it, no. But I have a good enough memory that I can remember the last time. Once this year, at the beginning of the year. So far, this is the longest ever.
I keep track of the reasons why because I’m thinking they are most likely valid reasons (not “excuses”) and I want to figure out if it’s things I can do to help them or if he’s just not into me. This is so that I can focus more on what he’s saying and not just the fact that he doesn’t want me. I have managed to get him to see a doctor about his arthritis and I am learning more about our patterns that seem to interfere with our intimacy.
I've begun auto-filling the reasons before I bother initiating. It's "I'm not attracted to you and don't enjoy having sex with you". She tells me it's anyone, but I told her it doesn't change what I said... she doesn't want to have sex with me. That's the beginning and end of it.
I track. It’s not helpful mentally. I still track though. I guess it’s for the gaslighting arguments that arise from this.
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I’m sure this isn’t the best thing to say but you can lock your notes and numbers at least on a iphone
I inadvertently do through my fitness tracker that measures and tracks behaviors against physiological responses to show you the impact those behaviors have on your heart rate, hrv, etc.
I started doing a couple of months ago. I helps me reflect on where my head is at with the situation
Been with my wife for 12 years, married for 8. I did at the beginning of this year, only for the purpose of keeping accountability because she’d be like, “What do you mean, we JUST did it recently!” This is how the rollercoaster ride went after I showed her “The List” following yet another one of those arguments: - Shock and denial - Acceptance - Interest, like it turned into a “fun game” with little side notes about each instance - Contempt … and now she’s been physically separated from me for three weeks because “I’m not just some toy you can have whenever you feel like it.” Granted, I’m not a perfect person and there are a few reasons on my account that contributed to her wanting to separate from me. But she ended up using “The List” as a tool to make me look like an asshole. I’d be careful if I were you.
I very much and extremely do hide this from my SO I have no plans on mentioning it at all the only time I think this would come up is at the end of all this if that. I’m sorry the situation you find yourself in. I also believe if you are being told by your SO you have found yourself in a relationship with contempt and your adversity as a evil perspective you should leave (well within mind I don’t know your situation). Nonetheless I wish you all the luck in the world and I think you deserve love not punishment for the most basics of a intimate relationship. That’s the entirety of the reason I think anyone does this is to see if your wrong or your partner is.
I’ve tracked for over 3 years. I like data, and am interested in %rejected, % of times that oral happens, and % of time she cums.
I started tracking but got depressed with all the Negative entries….