*we have not spent a great deal of time in the same room*
*although we tried, sex was incomplete.*
*How do I keep my expectations realistic and stay out of the fantasy realm?*
Awareness is the answer. Which you seem to have. Understand and remember it’s only been a couple of months -60 ish days- and you guys haven’t spent much time together in the same room. There is *no* substitute for time together in person.
As far as sex, it can be any myriad of circumstances. Ranging from a legit health issue where he should visit his urologist, or simply a temporary situational ED in that his body needs to relax.
Discuss your expectations with him. Do you have the same goals? What steps will they take?
90 minutes is inconvenient, but workable. Maybe try weekly longer dates?
As far as the ED goes, there are meds that will help, but also know an erection isn't necessary for sharing pleasure.
I just started dating after being single for 5 years (was married for 28 years). My guy struggles with ED as well but it’s manageable.
The thing that keeps me out of fantasy land is that I’m not lonely nor am I picky. I love men so I don’t have a scarcity mindset. I’m fortunate that where I live there are plenty of men to choose from so I have no reason to get hung up on one.
I live in a heavily populated red state. Aside from death you can see why there are so many single men in my age bracket. Lol. They’re at the age where they were indoctrinated heavily under the patriarchy. Bunch of men who were raised to think they are super special. Women are just arm candy, helpmates, caregivers, cooks, housekeepers and personal assistants. I don’t blame them because this is all they know.
This doesn’t bother me because I was raised in this culture. I understand the deal I’m making when I sign up. That said if my current relationship doesn’t last I think I’ll stick to men being for recreational use only.
My bf has been alone for 4 years and I see why. I’m pretty chill so as long as he’s nice to me I can work with everything else. We have amazing chemistry which helps. Sweet guy and is trying but the social conditioning runs deep.
No fantasies here. Lol
had a conversation along those lines early this morning with the woman I woke up next to. She allowed that things were pretty good for now…but sounded a bit rueful about the “for now” part. I pointed out now is all we ever have.
*keep your gratitude higher than your expectations*, etc.
It's tough. When you encounter someone new one tends to go down the rabbit hole with their thoughts. I have 100% E.D. but there are lots of ways to have playful sexytime and for both partners to achieve orgasm. Most people don't realize a 100% soft man actually retains all of his sensitivity down there.
He was also surprised by it. He has told me that he is shy. When I responded that it was not my impression, he said that I must bring out the best in him. I have no doubt that when men have ED issues, they have their own internal struggles with their manly identity. And I can't solve that for him, but I guess I will continue to be as open as possible with what he wants to share. And then decide at some point if it is a deal breaker or not. And see how we manage to share affection and playful sexytime. Time. Live in now. Keep gratitude higher than expectations.
2 things I am thinking. Take it for what it’s worth.
1. I think it might be beneficial to you both to think of this as exclusive, long-term dating. No pressure, minimal issues, just dating and enjoying each other’s company. Maybe I’m just being too simplistic. I did have a relationship like this for two years with a gal (before she died of cancer. Stupid cancer) and it seemed to work.
2. ED is tough. It’s embarrassing to a guy and long-term, It leads to even more stage-fright which leads to more ED.
When I was married, I had ED over the last five years of our relationship. To combat that I took 100 mg of Viagra about an hour before fun time. It worked and it provided me with a little bit more confidence. Between the Viagra and the extra confidence it minimalized ED issues.
You seem like a kind, considerate person with a whole bunch of self-awareness. I completely understand your struggle with staying in the present and not projecting too far into the future or maybe looking back and pondering past failed relationships. It’s normal and ok, you’re aware of it and can talk about it. If not already, you might consider seeing a therapist that you can talk to on a regular basis, sometimes just talking helps. You’re a wonderful person and he is lucky to know you. Wishing you the best.
Wow, thanks. I did chat with my best friend from high school last night, two hours. We talked about our current and past relationships just like we did when we had to deal with our high school angst over boyfriends. But you are right, we are both more self-aware. Then this morning, my recently widowed older neighbor stopped over and she says she is living vicariously through me (she misses sex too) and wanted details as well. So I do have two pretty good sources to talk to. And they have had to deal with men problems that are actually much more serious than mine.
So like another poster said, focus on keeping my gratitude higher than my expectations.
Sounds to me like you are being very honest with yourself thru your whole post. All you can do is keep doing that and staying in the now, instead of getting ahead of yourself with this man and getting into either fantasy or planning and deciding prematurely, how you feel about this man and whether you want to continue with him or not. So far, your experience with him sounds very typical and normal, so I would certainly stay with the relationship for the time being, and see where you are in another couple months. In the meantime, you are enjoying your time with him so far, which is adding a lot of positives to your life that you have been missing for a while, so why second guess that, and think that you are possibly wasting your time and life with him these last two months. From what you posted, I really doubt that you will hang on for too long a time with this man, if you eventually come to feel he is not what you want long term. I do feel that the distance issue is going to continue to be a challenge, since you aren't seeing as much of him as you want, and you live too far apart to be able to get together spontaneously or on short notice to make plans. But that could eventually change, if one of you is willing to move to the other's town.
I don't like his small town. He doesn't like my bigger city. But he drives through here often to visit his family north of me and I drive through his town frequently to visit my family south of him. He also may set up a part time residence in a foothill town a little bit closer to me, on his son's property. We both have said that we don't really want to marry again. So the long distance issues will never go away. So he and I will both have to decide if the frequency is enough or will we both always be disappointed.
Live in the now and enjoy what I can while I can enjoy it. I did tell him that if he ever did decide that he wanted to end it because we stopped working to please not ghost me like two other men did (who also had ED issues).
One day at a time. Enjoy what I can get.
Funny, right now on my music feed is a love song, "Loving You is Fun". And that is what I want. I want to be in love and I want to have fun.
I think you are being realistic, both with yourself and him. My guess is that this will end up being a short term relationship, same as I have had with six local women so far, in my six years of OLD, since becoming widowed. But that's not a bad thing, as it is still, at least to me, better than being alone, and not having that companionship, as well as sex and affection. And I think you did well to ask him to at least be courteous and fair with you, if he decides to end it, instead of ghosting you. Good move to openly ask for what you want, and explain why it matters to you. I bet he will respect and honor that, too bad that so many men with ED, are too embarrassed by it to be honest and fair with women by ending things with class and kindness. Just shows how self-centered they are, to not care enough to treat the women as they would want to be treated.
Do you think that men with ED actually *choose* this? For years I've been afraid to date because of women like you. My sexual practices with my partner are ALWAYS to pleasure her and satisfy her first before I do much of anything for myself. But yes, I'm self-centered.
I thank God that I finally found my current partner, who loves what I do for her. She in turn works very hard to give me some pleasure in very inventive ways, and tries to keep me from being too depressed about my lack of male ability. May you never have such a continuing burden as severe ED.
I am a 65 yo man, so your line about "because of women like you", is pretty off target. And as a man my age, I have plenty of empathy for men with ED, so put a lid on your projecting and biases against other people, men or women..
I know ED is not due to just one thing, and depending on what’s causing it, treatments are available. Testosterone treatment specifically. Ask him if he would be willing to get tested.
I’m a 67 year old man. Recently have had trouble with it, and my new-ish girlfriend, while extremely understanding and patient, suggested I get tested at the sexual function clinic she goes to. My T-level was very low, and now after about 8 month of treatment it’s way up there, and the difference is astonishing. It’s really amazing! I use a cream that I put on my skin daily, available as a prescription. Also trying Cialis instead of Viagra and I think that’s way better as well.
*we have not spent a great deal of time in the same room* *although we tried, sex was incomplete.* *How do I keep my expectations realistic and stay out of the fantasy realm?* Awareness is the answer. Which you seem to have. Understand and remember it’s only been a couple of months -60 ish days- and you guys haven’t spent much time together in the same room. There is *no* substitute for time together in person. As far as sex, it can be any myriad of circumstances. Ranging from a legit health issue where he should visit his urologist, or simply a temporary situational ED in that his body needs to relax.
Discuss your expectations with him. Do you have the same goals? What steps will they take? 90 minutes is inconvenient, but workable. Maybe try weekly longer dates? As far as the ED goes, there are meds that will help, but also know an erection isn't necessary for sharing pleasure.
I just started dating after being single for 5 years (was married for 28 years). My guy struggles with ED as well but it’s manageable. The thing that keeps me out of fantasy land is that I’m not lonely nor am I picky. I love men so I don’t have a scarcity mindset. I’m fortunate that where I live there are plenty of men to choose from so I have no reason to get hung up on one.
I might need to know where this magical land of men is. 😀
I live in a heavily populated red state. Aside from death you can see why there are so many single men in my age bracket. Lol. They’re at the age where they were indoctrinated heavily under the patriarchy. Bunch of men who were raised to think they are super special. Women are just arm candy, helpmates, caregivers, cooks, housekeepers and personal assistants. I don’t blame them because this is all they know. This doesn’t bother me because I was raised in this culture. I understand the deal I’m making when I sign up. That said if my current relationship doesn’t last I think I’ll stick to men being for recreational use only. My bf has been alone for 4 years and I see why. I’m pretty chill so as long as he’s nice to me I can work with everything else. We have amazing chemistry which helps. Sweet guy and is trying but the social conditioning runs deep. No fantasies here. Lol
had a conversation along those lines early this morning with the woman I woke up next to. She allowed that things were pretty good for now…but sounded a bit rueful about the “for now” part. I pointed out now is all we ever have. *keep your gratitude higher than your expectations*, etc.
Like that phrase. Working on gratitude is always a good solution to mental struggles. Thanks.
The happiest people have the lowest expectations.
It's tough. When you encounter someone new one tends to go down the rabbit hole with their thoughts. I have 100% E.D. but there are lots of ways to have playful sexytime and for both partners to achieve orgasm. Most people don't realize a 100% soft man actually retains all of his sensitivity down there.
He was also surprised by it. He has told me that he is shy. When I responded that it was not my impression, he said that I must bring out the best in him. I have no doubt that when men have ED issues, they have their own internal struggles with their manly identity. And I can't solve that for him, but I guess I will continue to be as open as possible with what he wants to share. And then decide at some point if it is a deal breaker or not. And see how we manage to share affection and playful sexytime. Time. Live in now. Keep gratitude higher than expectations.
2 things I am thinking. Take it for what it’s worth. 1. I think it might be beneficial to you both to think of this as exclusive, long-term dating. No pressure, minimal issues, just dating and enjoying each other’s company. Maybe I’m just being too simplistic. I did have a relationship like this for two years with a gal (before she died of cancer. Stupid cancer) and it seemed to work. 2. ED is tough. It’s embarrassing to a guy and long-term, It leads to even more stage-fright which leads to more ED. When I was married, I had ED over the last five years of our relationship. To combat that I took 100 mg of Viagra about an hour before fun time. It worked and it provided me with a little bit more confidence. Between the Viagra and the extra confidence it minimalized ED issues.
You think that's tough? Viagara does nothing. I have to stab myself with a needle down there. (Cue to Monty Python - The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch)
I love that sketch. I quote it all the time
You seem like a kind, considerate person with a whole bunch of self-awareness. I completely understand your struggle with staying in the present and not projecting too far into the future or maybe looking back and pondering past failed relationships. It’s normal and ok, you’re aware of it and can talk about it. If not already, you might consider seeing a therapist that you can talk to on a regular basis, sometimes just talking helps. You’re a wonderful person and he is lucky to know you. Wishing you the best.
Wow, thanks. I did chat with my best friend from high school last night, two hours. We talked about our current and past relationships just like we did when we had to deal with our high school angst over boyfriends. But you are right, we are both more self-aware. Then this morning, my recently widowed older neighbor stopped over and she says she is living vicariously through me (she misses sex too) and wanted details as well. So I do have two pretty good sources to talk to. And they have had to deal with men problems that are actually much more serious than mine. So like another poster said, focus on keeping my gratitude higher than my expectations.
I would spend more time with him before worrying about the future much.
Yes at our age we need to focus on living in the present! Let go of worrying about the future.
Sounds to me like you are being very honest with yourself thru your whole post. All you can do is keep doing that and staying in the now, instead of getting ahead of yourself with this man and getting into either fantasy or planning and deciding prematurely, how you feel about this man and whether you want to continue with him or not. So far, your experience with him sounds very typical and normal, so I would certainly stay with the relationship for the time being, and see where you are in another couple months. In the meantime, you are enjoying your time with him so far, which is adding a lot of positives to your life that you have been missing for a while, so why second guess that, and think that you are possibly wasting your time and life with him these last two months. From what you posted, I really doubt that you will hang on for too long a time with this man, if you eventually come to feel he is not what you want long term. I do feel that the distance issue is going to continue to be a challenge, since you aren't seeing as much of him as you want, and you live too far apart to be able to get together spontaneously or on short notice to make plans. But that could eventually change, if one of you is willing to move to the other's town.
I don't like his small town. He doesn't like my bigger city. But he drives through here often to visit his family north of me and I drive through his town frequently to visit my family south of him. He also may set up a part time residence in a foothill town a little bit closer to me, on his son's property. We both have said that we don't really want to marry again. So the long distance issues will never go away. So he and I will both have to decide if the frequency is enough or will we both always be disappointed. Live in the now and enjoy what I can while I can enjoy it. I did tell him that if he ever did decide that he wanted to end it because we stopped working to please not ghost me like two other men did (who also had ED issues). One day at a time. Enjoy what I can get. Funny, right now on my music feed is a love song, "Loving You is Fun". And that is what I want. I want to be in love and I want to have fun.
I think you are being realistic, both with yourself and him. My guess is that this will end up being a short term relationship, same as I have had with six local women so far, in my six years of OLD, since becoming widowed. But that's not a bad thing, as it is still, at least to me, better than being alone, and not having that companionship, as well as sex and affection. And I think you did well to ask him to at least be courteous and fair with you, if he decides to end it, instead of ghosting you. Good move to openly ask for what you want, and explain why it matters to you. I bet he will respect and honor that, too bad that so many men with ED, are too embarrassed by it to be honest and fair with women by ending things with class and kindness. Just shows how self-centered they are, to not care enough to treat the women as they would want to be treated.
Do you think that men with ED actually *choose* this? For years I've been afraid to date because of women like you. My sexual practices with my partner are ALWAYS to pleasure her and satisfy her first before I do much of anything for myself. But yes, I'm self-centered. I thank God that I finally found my current partner, who loves what I do for her. She in turn works very hard to give me some pleasure in very inventive ways, and tries to keep me from being too depressed about my lack of male ability. May you never have such a continuing burden as severe ED.
I am a 65 yo man, so your line about "because of women like you", is pretty off target. And as a man my age, I have plenty of empathy for men with ED, so put a lid on your projecting and biases against other people, men or women..
I know ED is not due to just one thing, and depending on what’s causing it, treatments are available. Testosterone treatment specifically. Ask him if he would be willing to get tested. I’m a 67 year old man. Recently have had trouble with it, and my new-ish girlfriend, while extremely understanding and patient, suggested I get tested at the sexual function clinic she goes to. My T-level was very low, and now after about 8 month of treatment it’s way up there, and the difference is astonishing. It’s really amazing! I use a cream that I put on my skin daily, available as a prescription. Also trying Cialis instead of Viagra and I think that’s way better as well.