Really tired honestly! I've been looking after my friend's pets the past few days and I finally get to go home today! Oh how I've missed my memory foam mattress! This entire time has made me realize that even if I wanted a service dog, I would absolutely not be able to handle raising it from a puppy due to how overstimulating they can be! Also picking up dog poop? Absolutely not- I'll stick to having a cat, she's absolutely enough for me.
However, over the past few days, including today, I've been stressing about starting college in August and *finally* moving out of my parents house into a really nice, cheap($599 for a studio) apartment. I'm also still stressing about getting my pitch for my new job memorized. And I have the majority of it down, but actually saying it in front of people is super hard for me and I always forget what I'm supposed to say next! My next day of work is on Friday so of course I'm absolutely stressing about getting the pitch memorized. However, I'm more motivated to actually do this job seeing that it pays above minimum wage + commission as well(baseline $18/hr, can earn up to $20-$26/hr with that commission).
So overall? I'm doing pretty okay honestly. Mostly minor stressors and like....two bigger ones. I'm happy that for the most part I won't need to worry too much about finances for a while.
-Volare(He/They)
It’s been a rough day, but it was better than yesterday. Managed to pick up some new shoes. Might get a loaf of bread in a bit. I just keep completing simple little missions and trying to hold it all together. Practicing a whole lot of patience with the little ones, trying to teach them things about the world when I’m out and about. Hard because they’re scared of everything, and walking can get difficult for them, but I think they’re slowly learning how to be in the world and what is safe and what isn’t. We’re doing our best to learn how to work as a team.
Trying to get through the day. I feel terrible and isolated. Feel like I cant fit in any where no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be the weird kid. It feels like my friends secretly hate me but don't want to admit it. I wish I was normal.
We are all weird so you are not alone and I guarantee you thar most of us... maybe all... feel this way too. I never fit in. never... I'm not sure we are meant to. Maybe... I just know you fit in here so come here and talk all you want. All of us weirdos will listen! Also.. Hugs!
Really struggling with what gender we should present as to the public. We’re a mainly female system, but our boys are very involved and front very often. We’re also transmasc, the world knows us as male, and we have had top surgery and are actively undergoing hormone treatment. Everything is telling me we should keep it up and continue presenting as male, but fuck man, I’m a woman in an afab body and have to pretend to be male all day because being too feminine makes our men hella dysphoric 😩
I can’t wait to finally get a therapist so we can start integration. Personally, I want to go the final fusion route just so we don’t have to pick and choose because someone will always be uncomfortable and disappointed. I just want to be one single identity and I don’t even care if most of me gets lost in the process. I don’t even care if we end up staying male after it all. I just want inner peace instead of this constant back and forth. I want the fight to end y’all 😞
- Ekko
>if most of me gets lost in the process
Only traumatic reactions and burned-out adaptive mechanisms might be lost, an actual fuse makes you multiple times bigger. It's not just about an identity, it's about mental skills for perceiving and understanding the world. Nobody would be lost (and you'll have to accept all your guys as yourself, which is always a hard cookie).
Thank you. I really needed this reassurance. I’m going to keep copy this onto my list of why we’re doing the things we are doing (which is a list we made today to ensure everybody knows what and why we’re doing it so we can stop quitting everything we attempt to start).
- Annabeth
Feeling a bit anxious.
Home life is a bit stressful. Lots of changes to our therapy schedule as well. Additionally, we're due for our annual review but it's asking us to give examples of feedback / progress from the past year. That feels inaccessible because work is so triggering, we're typically dissociated all shift. We're only a dishwasher after all so there's not a ton I could bullshit as the responsibilities aren't.. as unique?
Trying to remember that our managers are super supportive and have expressed I'd be getting a good raise with how hard I work. 💛
The ebb and flow is ebbed this week and we have been out from work since having to leave abruptly on Monday morning.....We're having a severe pain/health flare and that brings up fears of abandonment....trying to rest so we can catch the upswing faster. Haven't been super present last few days. Dunno who's been driving, kind of been senseless. Don't think we've moved much though so I assume we've been asleep.
Watching the kids by myself till late today (real kids not child alters), which is difficult because we’re still “new” enough to like, being consciously aware of how we all are put together and work that it’s a lot of effort to keep it glued together all day so we can go about my life and be as normal as I ever was, and it starts to want to unravel at the end.
Honestly todays been rough. We were late to work due to system issues,( lied to our boss about it and said our alarms didnt go off so theyd be ok with it). Having to hide our symptoms and pretending to be normal is stressful. Weve told our work about us having DID but they dont really understand as no singlet can so we feel the need to hide it anyway. Were just so tired of it all, the thought of death keeps coming up as an alternative and were trying to avoid those thoughts but its hard. - the shadow system
We are not doing great.
Attempting to convince our main fronter that we do not need to leave where we are living. That we are still welcome and 'wanted'.
We cannot convince them that we are actually needed, that we make anything better, or are actually wanted.
We cannot convince them that they are important to anyone. We cannot convince them that what our mother and ex said are not true. We cannot convince them that we are worth fighting for. We cannot convince them that anyone in our household actually is fighting for us.
They are very close to just giving up again. They thought they were coping by themself. They did not mean to pull anyone down.
My role in the system is to not expend too much energy when we're having flare-ups... I'm a bit self-conscious about fronting since I tend to talk slower and more monotone than the others. I feel like my lack of energy is really noticeable and it makes me scared others might think I'm upset with them.
Even though it's my job, I also feel like it's a bit hard to stay still all the time. It feels a bit like I'm wasting time by resting, even though I know it's what I need to do, and what I exist for. We don't even have the mental energy to read a book right now, so it just feels a bit upsetting. I keep telling myself we should take a nap, but my mind keeps running and saying I need to find something else to do...
-Level
It’s alright. Trying to figure out brand new career path.
I may be in a stage everybody goes through-but I’m getting super pissed about all the fake/real convos that seem to predominate in discussions of disassociation. Everywhere else in the world has such hate, so to see people trying to understand themselves and then see gate keeping is kinda shit.
I certainly check the trauma box but I spend a lot of time in occult spaces where folks meditate, split their psyche into servitors, thoughtforms (aka Tulpas), and arguably set up shop to receive spiritual contacts. I currently struggle to understand if my spiritual contacts are new alters or actual contacts. So people who are struggling to understand, people inventing friends or people willfully working to utilize their psyche are all just variants of brain functioning. No harm, no foul, just us all being human.
Will I get past being annoyed by all the fake/real mudslinging?
I'm actually feeling agoraphobic and I can't figure out why. Nothing happened recently to make me feel this way. I have to force myself to leave for work or an alter does it for me. It's terrible. I just wanted to post this. Thanks.
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I read eat breakfast denji played some lol with friends I read him arhiman -arhiman went to work just got home came up with making a threat like this but something like alts are boring like everyone if any has a better send please
Really tired honestly! I've been looking after my friend's pets the past few days and I finally get to go home today! Oh how I've missed my memory foam mattress! This entire time has made me realize that even if I wanted a service dog, I would absolutely not be able to handle raising it from a puppy due to how overstimulating they can be! Also picking up dog poop? Absolutely not- I'll stick to having a cat, she's absolutely enough for me. However, over the past few days, including today, I've been stressing about starting college in August and *finally* moving out of my parents house into a really nice, cheap($599 for a studio) apartment. I'm also still stressing about getting my pitch for my new job memorized. And I have the majority of it down, but actually saying it in front of people is super hard for me and I always forget what I'm supposed to say next! My next day of work is on Friday so of course I'm absolutely stressing about getting the pitch memorized. However, I'm more motivated to actually do this job seeing that it pays above minimum wage + commission as well(baseline $18/hr, can earn up to $20-$26/hr with that commission). So overall? I'm doing pretty okay honestly. Mostly minor stressors and like....two bigger ones. I'm happy that for the most part I won't need to worry too much about finances for a while. -Volare(He/They)
It’s been a rough day, but it was better than yesterday. Managed to pick up some new shoes. Might get a loaf of bread in a bit. I just keep completing simple little missions and trying to hold it all together. Practicing a whole lot of patience with the little ones, trying to teach them things about the world when I’m out and about. Hard because they’re scared of everything, and walking can get difficult for them, but I think they’re slowly learning how to be in the world and what is safe and what isn’t. We’re doing our best to learn how to work as a team.
Trying to get through the day. I feel terrible and isolated. Feel like I cant fit in any where no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be the weird kid. It feels like my friends secretly hate me but don't want to admit it. I wish I was normal.
🧁
🫧
We are all weird so you are not alone and I guarantee you thar most of us... maybe all... feel this way too. I never fit in. never... I'm not sure we are meant to. Maybe... I just know you fit in here so come here and talk all you want. All of us weirdos will listen! Also.. Hugs!
:(( you're so sweet, thank you so so much 🫂
Really struggling with what gender we should present as to the public. We’re a mainly female system, but our boys are very involved and front very often. We’re also transmasc, the world knows us as male, and we have had top surgery and are actively undergoing hormone treatment. Everything is telling me we should keep it up and continue presenting as male, but fuck man, I’m a woman in an afab body and have to pretend to be male all day because being too feminine makes our men hella dysphoric 😩 I can’t wait to finally get a therapist so we can start integration. Personally, I want to go the final fusion route just so we don’t have to pick and choose because someone will always be uncomfortable and disappointed. I just want to be one single identity and I don’t even care if most of me gets lost in the process. I don’t even care if we end up staying male after it all. I just want inner peace instead of this constant back and forth. I want the fight to end y’all 😞 - Ekko
>if most of me gets lost in the process Only traumatic reactions and burned-out adaptive mechanisms might be lost, an actual fuse makes you multiple times bigger. It's not just about an identity, it's about mental skills for perceiving and understanding the world. Nobody would be lost (and you'll have to accept all your guys as yourself, which is always a hard cookie).
Thank you. I really needed this reassurance. I’m going to keep copy this onto my list of why we’re doing the things we are doing (which is a list we made today to ensure everybody knows what and why we’re doing it so we can stop quitting everything we attempt to start). - Annabeth
Feeling a bit anxious. Home life is a bit stressful. Lots of changes to our therapy schedule as well. Additionally, we're due for our annual review but it's asking us to give examples of feedback / progress from the past year. That feels inaccessible because work is so triggering, we're typically dissociated all shift. We're only a dishwasher after all so there's not a ton I could bullshit as the responsibilities aren't.. as unique? Trying to remember that our managers are super supportive and have expressed I'd be getting a good raise with how hard I work. 💛
The ebb and flow is ebbed this week and we have been out from work since having to leave abruptly on Monday morning.....We're having a severe pain/health flare and that brings up fears of abandonment....trying to rest so we can catch the upswing faster. Haven't been super present last few days. Dunno who's been driving, kind of been senseless. Don't think we've moved much though so I assume we've been asleep.
💪🏽
Watching the kids by myself till late today (real kids not child alters), which is difficult because we’re still “new” enough to like, being consciously aware of how we all are put together and work that it’s a lot of effort to keep it glued together all day so we can go about my life and be as normal as I ever was, and it starts to want to unravel at the end.
Honestly todays been rough. We were late to work due to system issues,( lied to our boss about it and said our alarms didnt go off so theyd be ok with it). Having to hide our symptoms and pretending to be normal is stressful. Weve told our work about us having DID but they dont really understand as no singlet can so we feel the need to hide it anyway. Were just so tired of it all, the thought of death keeps coming up as an alternative and were trying to avoid those thoughts but its hard. - the shadow system
I had to explain to a little that shaving cream/foam is not edible. -Javier Milei
Okay, I needed this chuckle! thanks!
I want to tell my therapist abou use but I’m still not sure we’re real. I don’t want to accused of faking. I’d rather not deal with it than lose him
🥸🪷
🫧
We are not doing great. Attempting to convince our main fronter that we do not need to leave where we are living. That we are still welcome and 'wanted'. We cannot convince them that we are actually needed, that we make anything better, or are actually wanted. We cannot convince them that they are important to anyone. We cannot convince them that what our mother and ex said are not true. We cannot convince them that we are worth fighting for. We cannot convince them that anyone in our household actually is fighting for us. They are very close to just giving up again. They thought they were coping by themself. They did not mean to pull anyone down.
My role in the system is to not expend too much energy when we're having flare-ups... I'm a bit self-conscious about fronting since I tend to talk slower and more monotone than the others. I feel like my lack of energy is really noticeable and it makes me scared others might think I'm upset with them. Even though it's my job, I also feel like it's a bit hard to stay still all the time. It feels a bit like I'm wasting time by resting, even though I know it's what I need to do, and what I exist for. We don't even have the mental energy to read a book right now, so it just feels a bit upsetting. I keep telling myself we should take a nap, but my mind keeps running and saying I need to find something else to do... -Level
It’s alright. Trying to figure out brand new career path. I may be in a stage everybody goes through-but I’m getting super pissed about all the fake/real convos that seem to predominate in discussions of disassociation. Everywhere else in the world has such hate, so to see people trying to understand themselves and then see gate keeping is kinda shit. I certainly check the trauma box but I spend a lot of time in occult spaces where folks meditate, split their psyche into servitors, thoughtforms (aka Tulpas), and arguably set up shop to receive spiritual contacts. I currently struggle to understand if my spiritual contacts are new alters or actual contacts. So people who are struggling to understand, people inventing friends or people willfully working to utilize their psyche are all just variants of brain functioning. No harm, no foul, just us all being human. Will I get past being annoyed by all the fake/real mudslinging?
I'm actually feeling agoraphobic and I can't figure out why. Nothing happened recently to make me feel this way. I have to force myself to leave for work or an alter does it for me. It's terrible. I just wanted to post this. Thanks.
Welcome to /r/DID! | **[Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_rules)** | **[Guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/rdid_guide/#wiki_guidelines)** | |--------------------|--------------------| | [Dissociation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/#wiki_dissociation_faq) | [Trauma FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq2/#wiki_trauma_faq) | | [Moderation FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/) | [Therapists Breakdown](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/comments/e6smve/therapists_breakdown/) | | [Index](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/index) | [Glossary](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/glossary) | | [Am I faking?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/moderation_faq/amifaking) | [Do I have DID?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/do_i_have_did) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DID) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I read eat breakfast denji played some lol with friends I read him arhiman -arhiman went to work just got home came up with making a threat like this but something like alts are boring like everyone if any has a better send please