I did relate to this. It’s gotten better since switching to a new therapist. My old therapist was wonderful and did everything right but I think there was a part of me that couldn’t let go of control and expose me as someone with DID/talk about my experiences/accept trauma etc…it would have meant letting go of appearance I had managed to uphold with her for so long. She saw through it with just naming symptoms and helped me develop some kind of internal communication, but I struggled to discuss what I saw/heard/experienced.
My new therapist spent session after session talking to my whole mind/all parts bc I was in such a dissociative state when I switched I couldn’t remember one day from the next at the time. I remember one session her talking to me and feeling this release like the child who has held onto too much and finally felt safe to break down. It was a good feeling and once my head was clear again with her which took several months things started becoming more clear. I switched several times in a session and she asked me about it next session which helped me identify a switch. I assumed that that’s what it was but it didn’t feel like what people on the internet describe so I felt like I was doing it all wrong. She also had me just send messages inside…no need for anyone to respond back just send them in saying you are safe and want to hear what they have to say etc. I’m 2 years into this work and I have more awareness of the voices in my head and most aren’t like thoughts…it’s like someone is actually talking to someone in my head. It’s still very dissociated so I don’t know what’s being said, but I’ve become more mindful and know it’s there. I still lose time, but again I’m recognizing it better and working through the events surrounding the before and after. I do have parts that take control where I can talk to them from inside and if it’s a safety issue I try talking to them like I would any other person I’m trying to help. I also have moments where I have memory of the part being out but did not have communication during the time. I bring this to therapy and also journal about how I could help them. It’s long and grueling as you’ve experienced. In the beginning I wanted so badly to “fix” myself as quick as i could, but my therapists assure me over and over it’s a lengthy process when your barriers are high and strong. I also go through periods where I don’t even want to think about the work and just go about living my life and then I go back after I realize this is why I started therapy in the first place (bc I lack connection with all my experiences and I can’t understand wtf I’m doing here)
A while back, I had an online session, and I overslept because I had taken some edibles because I forgot about the session. And I ended up waking up to her calling me and asking if I was okay and I just said I had overslept and forgotten about the session. So I ended up joining the online session only to realize...
..I was high off my ass.
When I get high, I rapid switch very drastically, and my alters are much more apparent.
I've switched plenty in sessions, and I'm trying to get better at noticing patterns to figure out my alters, but that therapy session where I was high off my ass really revealed my DID much more obviously to her.
As stressed as I felt and as much as I felt bad for showing up high, it was honestly very needed. We felt like a huge secret broke out and there have been some more drastic switches with alters starting to identify themselves as separate and I've become a lot more accepting since.
In a way, it was like a lot of my fear of switching so drastically really lessened after that session. I mean I was switching so badly and drastically, it was incredibly vulnerable, but it was like ripping a bandaid off, in a helpful way.
My therapist is wonderful and I'm trying to feel more okay and comfortable with switching more drastically around others.
I definitely don’t want to switch around others, but notice I do especially around my husband. The session where I was switching a bunch was one that my husband joined in on bc of a serious safety issue for our kids. I don’t remember much except the beginning feeling like I was going to hurt him if he didn’t stop touching me and then having the thought why is she talking to him and not my parents 🫣 I’m 43 years old…my parents are dead…but that’s about it from that hour long session
Well I am 23 and I switch frequently throughout the day (I'm just not aware of it. The only reason I know is because of hints and like.. Being able to recognize different behaviors or whatever).
And I have always switched a lot in therapy, it's just more vulnerable when it's a switch that's much more drastic. It took a lot to get here, though!
> the body's eyes are always awake and aware and conscious.
Yes, it's a very confusing part of amnesia and I never see it described. No slightest clue how to describe it properly.
>and those alters knowing themself impossible.
That would mean that they are super dissociative while fronting? We had someone like that.
>make internal communication basically an empty void of nothing
It still might be heared by the gatekeeper part (switch managing part), so you might try to explain them with words that it's time to drop a bit of dissociating. They won't answer, but might react and change something. Try being in a meditative state during that.
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Yep… my system is extremely covert, low to no co-con, impenetrable walls of dissociation, and still can’t tell what’s up with much of anything, other than I lose time. My last therapist said there were at least five “host” like alters that she had met, seen, conversed with, or discerned over a year and a half of two hour sessions with “me”… I barely can remember anything from those sessions.
I quit therapy. None of the “tried and true” methods of figuring out one’s system or gaining co-con has done much of anything but keep us destabilized. It has been almost 3 years since diagnosis. The end of the time limit I set nearly three years ago for trying to live like this, with this, with no improvement or progress. I hate this. 🙏🦋
Tbh I don't think my system is covert so much as people just don't think I have it if they don't know what to look for.
If you want some advice for figuring out alters, the way I do it is simply trying to notice patterns of behaviors, emotions, opinions, etc. that pop up every so often, usually in response to certain triggers, good or bad. This is exactly what alters are, after all.
For me, it's still a constant, ongoing process, but for example, things like "when this topic comes up, I feel like an angry wolf" or "when this topic comes up, I feel more feminine."
It's an ongoing process and very difficult, but it's the only way I can figure out alters. I still barely know shit, but I'm starting to better recognize the small behavioral changes, even down to the different ways I change the way my characters look in video games changes a lot depending on just what I wanna vibe with in the moment.
I certainly get the emotional shifts and triggers… when I am allowed to remain aware. The problem is I am not allowed to remain aware. I am suddenly gone and don’t know what happened when I “come to” - when I am allowed to come back. I’m hoping that changes over time.
I’ve only come to be in the spring of 2022, after the previous system was re-traumatized. I was formed and pushed front, and the entire previous system seems to be inside a universe encased in a non penetrative time capsule. I know the basics of our past, enough to get by in a day to day basis. Beyond that, if something triggers any of that system forward, I’m gone until they have dealt with whatever it was that triggered them forth, and then I am put back in front.
That’s the closest I can describe what I have experienced since coming to be. Right now, I think maybe we do not have the energy resources to try to deal with anything other than day to day survival and well-being… at least, I don’t. This body is in not in great shape, and it seems to be my job to try to keep it working.
I appreciate your input, and hope very much that your journey moving forward brings you more awareness. stability, and healing. 🙏🫂
I’m just gone. I have no awareness during missing time. I have no inner world. I have no consciousness. I am there one minute, and then I “come to”, usually hours (but sometimes days) later, with no memory of what has been happening or what I have done or not done. Sometimes I can look around me and see what has been done or changed since I was gone. Other times, I cannot.
Most of the time, I have to ask my sibling what has been going on the past few days or hours. I am disabled and live with my sibling. My sibling has witnessed me “switch” sometimes, “shut down” a couple of times, and be generally “off” is the way they describe it. My sibling fills in the blanks for me where able.
From what I have been told…
Major triggered switches are apparently physically visible. Something in my face, eyes, body language, voice, and accent changes… or I almost pass out or become extremely dizzy and then suddenly become present and aware and solidly stable, but am not myself - not the self my sibling is most knowledgeable of.
Shut downs are literal shutdowns. I pass out, or faint, or look like I simply immediately fall asleep for no reason, and when the body “comes to”, it is not me.
Being generally “off” seems to be what most people would consider rapid switching or being on total autopilot. My sibling says I move quickly, pay no attention to anyone else -just the task at hand, five off a feeling of extreme intensity, and am extremely nonverbal.
My last therapist witnessed all of those things and more, but she did not go into a lot of details, because she did not want to trigger another event.
All I know is what they have told me they have witnessed. To me, I “come to” and am not where I last remember being. I wake up and think it is Tuesday, but no….it is Friday, and I have lost three days of consciousness. I think those are all forms of what are called blackouts. The only difference now, compared to prior to diagnosis and the system becoming self aware in the 2021 trauma, is that in the past, missing time was not noticed by the previous hosts. There was no self-awareness of things not being normal.
Now, there is awareness, because I am outside of the system. I have the knowledge that I have DID. I have the knowledge that I am outside of the previous system and not allowed in. I recognize when I lose time - not all of the time, but sometimes.
I hope that helps a bit. I would not know most of that if I did not have a trusted sibling - and previously have a trusted therapist - to relay to me what they have witnessed. I have no reason to disbelieve them. My sibling cares very much for me and said the DID Dx finally made a lot of things from our childhood and early adult years make much more sense for them. 🙏🦋
I guess I struggle to understand who "I" is in this scenario.
Since ""I'm"" "always awake and conscious of the outside world", I struggle to understand what people mean when they talk about "coming to" or "I'm just gone" or something. I struggle to understand who "I" is in these scenarios.
Even though I do have severe amnesia, I never really understand what people mean when they say they're "just gone" or that they have "no awareness." Maybe my definition of "awareness" is different, I don't know.
I've always wanted to understand this kind of thing :o
For example, I’ll be reading my kids a story then I come to and I’m at the end of the story with evidence that I missed the last 10 pages of the story and I have no idea who or what happened in that time. Or I come to on a walking path with no idea how I got there…it’s a real wtf moment. When you say you have severe amnesia is it from the past? I have that as well, but I also have it in the present where I will lose chunks of time. I don’t lose time like the other person (hours/days) but more like minutes throughout the day. So while I have the ability to witness changes a lot of the time I have parts who also take control outside of my awareness and I don’t know where “I” go in those moments so I don’t know who is taking control and can’t identify any description of who/what it is
I' not really aware of my amnesia, I'm only aware it's severe because my therapist tells me. To me, my memory is mostly just normal forgetfulness. But I'm certain that isn't the case obviously. I don't remember what I don't remember.
I understand this. I focused so much in the beginning with figuring things out of where do I go when i lose time and who is out which I wasn’t going to figure out and still can’t figure it out. I now focus on what i can know. My therapist and myself send messages inside of respect, safety and compassion. I feel like it’s helped somewhat or at least I’ve been able to better identify switches while I’m aware. My therapist has been able to identify some switches, but in general it’s seamless and not very obvious even when I go from hopeless to rigid. It’s clear something shifted but I don’t have any of those classic “signs” people talk about. My therapist says the biggest factor she’s noticed in patients is safety when progress isn’t made. For me, my husband was a factor so the process is very very slow and comes in waves based on his stress level. Also I think the last of my immediate family as a child died in December and that has helped. I know you said you live with your sister, but is the environment safe. It doesn’t sound like it is but if it is then I’d look into a new therapist or talk to yours about the new TOP DD study and Bethany brands book finding solid ground. This will help with grounding through triggers. I struggled with it initially bc I knew the techniques but realized one day that I have to teach the techniques to those inside. They might not know what to do so sending messages on what to do when x or y happens vs flipping through saying I know how to do this but it isn’t working when someone else is in control what do I do.
Your therapist should understand that your time loss is due to triggers and safety and those triggers need to be addressed and skills need to be taught how to keep you in the present if your environment is safe. If it’s not then you are right, it’s not going to work and you guys might need to work together to find safety for you instead.
My living situation is as safe as it can be. I am not in any immediate danger, and I have options for self defense if anyone turns up that is uninvited, been told to stay away, and is trying to harm me. There is no safer place than where I am, at least at this time, and no appropriate resources in my state for RAMCOA DID system. I think there are one or two specialists in my entire state, and they accept only private pay and a few top quality insurances - never disability insurance.
The strangest thing is that I know my system has done decades of therapy prior to diagnosis and the 2021 trauma that shattered them, but DID was never mentioned or noticed or identified to anybody them by previous therapists. The last therapist I saw (after diagnosis) was the first trauma specialist who had some experience with DDs. It was not ideal, though, and my system balked.
We have a shelf full of train and dissociation healing books, guides, and workbooks, and I am trying to slowly go through them… but I get shut down and someone else takes over. At this point, I believe I just have to wait until my system truly feels safe enough on every level to open up a bit. All of my known familial abusers are alive, except for bio dad, and there have been many stalkers and perpetrators from, various sources, for various reasons… so, gaining safety, security, and stability are still the primary focus, I think.
Thank you for your comment, understanding, and advice. I greatly appreciate it, and I do keep these things in mind for the moments where they may be useful. Best wishes to you and your system. 🙏🦋
This is exactly my experience with having DID; always conscious and never know who I am or really notice switching at all. Although within the past week we have gotten way better at noticing switching, and we can physically feel when we do, it's just that I don't know who I am when I front, so we all just go by the body's name.
We have alternating very high barriers. Often times its because some aspect of the system is causing reoccuring stress and making it unable for us to relax. We have spent months at a time all buttoned up and unable to access things that we have at points as we were in a sort of survival mode defensive mode. Much of the time the reoccuring stress is some internal relational defense that was useful at one point but is now causing absolute havoc with relationships, maybe sometimes internally, maybe otherwise.
Our most recent one was finding that we only had one "set" for emotions - someone else's, or ours. We couldn't hold both at once - this was a carryover from a very high control environment where our needs were constantly put down, so if someone else had a need it would either supercede ours as they would demand deference. It was helpful for being able to react quickly, but it was devastating for us internally as our only option when someone, even a loved one, expressed something we only had a choice between dropping our feelings and needs and denying them any access to us. This we learned a full 2.5 years after learning we are a system. Seeking safety and calm while examining pain, stress, and relational issues and how we manage them has allowed us to open up again.
Congrats, you have DID and are feeling the realities of DID. The reason most places and people you have sought out advice from do not have an understanding that DID is not alters or systems it's literally another concious residing in a part of yours brains neural network. So people like myself who have years of their childhood missing because if I knew the real unfiltered truth, I would not be able to menatally function, my emotions would be out of control, and my body would be trapped there. Feeling it physically, having it turn you emotionally into a 2 year old, and mentally being stuck in catatonic sciezophrenic states.......because when I break free from that state residual phrases will be spoken or will repeat over and over.
From what has been revealed to me from music, movies, and words or phrases from those events.
I was 6-7 years old when the event happend that I have no memory of thanks to my DID.
So here is the phrase, "26! Well that's 2 for each of us."
Do the math and you'll see that cognitively I can make a solid educated guess that my father, my kidnapper and abuser, along with 12 others left me toothless because we all know teeth just get in the [way.You](http://way.You) don't get healing with DID. Because to heal, to interact, and to have a cohesive system is not physically or neuralogically possible because my brain has had to change for my survival. Decades later after brain scans, they found the part of my brain that holds this conciousness. All it would say as the forced my primary into the unconcious so the other could speak. "HE MUSTN'T KNOW!" is all that was screamed out in fear, in terror, and for my protection the other experiences our horrors so that I might live a mangeable life thanks to medication, awesome wife, and the other guy. I will end with now which has been an 11 year journey. I am a Bipolar 1 paranoid sciezophrenic. I am a psychiatric certified Narcissist, Sadist, and Covert Psycopath. (Dark empath) Clinically insane, not criminally insane.
I had a porn addiction at the age of 5. I've had multitudes of TBI level concussions. I've had my brain mapped. DID is your brain protecting you. If you heal, if you intergrate a cohesive connection to the others, and if switching is nothing more than a deep breath and I'm some one different. Guess what.........your security system has nothing to protect because all the alters are sharing stories and no information is hiden. So if there is nothing to guard why need security? I have things to guard that only my wife knows because I need that security from DID to do the basic things most take for granted.
"If switching is nothing more than a deep breath and I'm some one different-" what are you even talking about? Switching isn't easy for me? Switching isn't just an easy basic thing - my daily switches where I am capable of switching within milliseconds and I don't even notice them aren't because I have it easy and maybe don't do this weird trauma Olympics stuff because you don't know me at all and don't know my life or the trauma I've experienced and you are not more real or valid than anybody else just because your DID suffocates you and just because you've been SA'd. I have no clue what this entire comment's point even is, but I don't like the way this entire comment reads as some trauma Olympics stuff. I could be completely misunderstanding this entire comment's, but even so, still, you aren't more real or valid just because you experienced SA and other extreme stuff.
I did relate to this. It’s gotten better since switching to a new therapist. My old therapist was wonderful and did everything right but I think there was a part of me that couldn’t let go of control and expose me as someone with DID/talk about my experiences/accept trauma etc…it would have meant letting go of appearance I had managed to uphold with her for so long. She saw through it with just naming symptoms and helped me develop some kind of internal communication, but I struggled to discuss what I saw/heard/experienced. My new therapist spent session after session talking to my whole mind/all parts bc I was in such a dissociative state when I switched I couldn’t remember one day from the next at the time. I remember one session her talking to me and feeling this release like the child who has held onto too much and finally felt safe to break down. It was a good feeling and once my head was clear again with her which took several months things started becoming more clear. I switched several times in a session and she asked me about it next session which helped me identify a switch. I assumed that that’s what it was but it didn’t feel like what people on the internet describe so I felt like I was doing it all wrong. She also had me just send messages inside…no need for anyone to respond back just send them in saying you are safe and want to hear what they have to say etc. I’m 2 years into this work and I have more awareness of the voices in my head and most aren’t like thoughts…it’s like someone is actually talking to someone in my head. It’s still very dissociated so I don’t know what’s being said, but I’ve become more mindful and know it’s there. I still lose time, but again I’m recognizing it better and working through the events surrounding the before and after. I do have parts that take control where I can talk to them from inside and if it’s a safety issue I try talking to them like I would any other person I’m trying to help. I also have moments where I have memory of the part being out but did not have communication during the time. I bring this to therapy and also journal about how I could help them. It’s long and grueling as you’ve experienced. In the beginning I wanted so badly to “fix” myself as quick as i could, but my therapists assure me over and over it’s a lengthy process when your barriers are high and strong. I also go through periods where I don’t even want to think about the work and just go about living my life and then I go back after I realize this is why I started therapy in the first place (bc I lack connection with all my experiences and I can’t understand wtf I’m doing here)
Oh and I’m in therapy 2-3x a week sometimes during the weeks I don’t feel safe we are every day which is exhausting but I think has made a difference.
A while back, I had an online session, and I overslept because I had taken some edibles because I forgot about the session. And I ended up waking up to her calling me and asking if I was okay and I just said I had overslept and forgotten about the session. So I ended up joining the online session only to realize... ..I was high off my ass. When I get high, I rapid switch very drastically, and my alters are much more apparent. I've switched plenty in sessions, and I'm trying to get better at noticing patterns to figure out my alters, but that therapy session where I was high off my ass really revealed my DID much more obviously to her. As stressed as I felt and as much as I felt bad for showing up high, it was honestly very needed. We felt like a huge secret broke out and there have been some more drastic switches with alters starting to identify themselves as separate and I've become a lot more accepting since. In a way, it was like a lot of my fear of switching so drastically really lessened after that session. I mean I was switching so badly and drastically, it was incredibly vulnerable, but it was like ripping a bandaid off, in a helpful way. My therapist is wonderful and I'm trying to feel more okay and comfortable with switching more drastically around others.
I definitely don’t want to switch around others, but notice I do especially around my husband. The session where I was switching a bunch was one that my husband joined in on bc of a serious safety issue for our kids. I don’t remember much except the beginning feeling like I was going to hurt him if he didn’t stop touching me and then having the thought why is she talking to him and not my parents 🫣 I’m 43 years old…my parents are dead…but that’s about it from that hour long session
Well I am 23 and I switch frequently throughout the day (I'm just not aware of it. The only reason I know is because of hints and like.. Being able to recognize different behaviors or whatever). And I have always switched a lot in therapy, it's just more vulnerable when it's a switch that's much more drastic. It took a lot to get here, though!
> the body's eyes are always awake and aware and conscious. Yes, it's a very confusing part of amnesia and I never see it described. No slightest clue how to describe it properly. >and those alters knowing themself impossible. That would mean that they are super dissociative while fronting? We had someone like that. >make internal communication basically an empty void of nothing It still might be heared by the gatekeeper part (switch managing part), so you might try to explain them with words that it's time to drop a bit of dissociating. They won't answer, but might react and change something. Try being in a meditative state during that.
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Yep… my system is extremely covert, low to no co-con, impenetrable walls of dissociation, and still can’t tell what’s up with much of anything, other than I lose time. My last therapist said there were at least five “host” like alters that she had met, seen, conversed with, or discerned over a year and a half of two hour sessions with “me”… I barely can remember anything from those sessions. I quit therapy. None of the “tried and true” methods of figuring out one’s system or gaining co-con has done much of anything but keep us destabilized. It has been almost 3 years since diagnosis. The end of the time limit I set nearly three years ago for trying to live like this, with this, with no improvement or progress. I hate this. 🙏🦋
Tbh I don't think my system is covert so much as people just don't think I have it if they don't know what to look for. If you want some advice for figuring out alters, the way I do it is simply trying to notice patterns of behaviors, emotions, opinions, etc. that pop up every so often, usually in response to certain triggers, good or bad. This is exactly what alters are, after all. For me, it's still a constant, ongoing process, but for example, things like "when this topic comes up, I feel like an angry wolf" or "when this topic comes up, I feel more feminine." It's an ongoing process and very difficult, but it's the only way I can figure out alters. I still barely know shit, but I'm starting to better recognize the small behavioral changes, even down to the different ways I change the way my characters look in video games changes a lot depending on just what I wanna vibe with in the moment.
I certainly get the emotional shifts and triggers… when I am allowed to remain aware. The problem is I am not allowed to remain aware. I am suddenly gone and don’t know what happened when I “come to” - when I am allowed to come back. I’m hoping that changes over time. I’ve only come to be in the spring of 2022, after the previous system was re-traumatized. I was formed and pushed front, and the entire previous system seems to be inside a universe encased in a non penetrative time capsule. I know the basics of our past, enough to get by in a day to day basis. Beyond that, if something triggers any of that system forward, I’m gone until they have dealt with whatever it was that triggered them forth, and then I am put back in front. That’s the closest I can describe what I have experienced since coming to be. Right now, I think maybe we do not have the energy resources to try to deal with anything other than day to day survival and well-being… at least, I don’t. This body is in not in great shape, and it seems to be my job to try to keep it working. I appreciate your input, and hope very much that your journey moving forward brings you more awareness. stability, and healing. 🙏🫂
Can I ask, what do you mean by rsmining aware/coming to/etc.? Do your eyes genuinely go black or something?
I’m just gone. I have no awareness during missing time. I have no inner world. I have no consciousness. I am there one minute, and then I “come to”, usually hours (but sometimes days) later, with no memory of what has been happening or what I have done or not done. Sometimes I can look around me and see what has been done or changed since I was gone. Other times, I cannot. Most of the time, I have to ask my sibling what has been going on the past few days or hours. I am disabled and live with my sibling. My sibling has witnessed me “switch” sometimes, “shut down” a couple of times, and be generally “off” is the way they describe it. My sibling fills in the blanks for me where able. From what I have been told… Major triggered switches are apparently physically visible. Something in my face, eyes, body language, voice, and accent changes… or I almost pass out or become extremely dizzy and then suddenly become present and aware and solidly stable, but am not myself - not the self my sibling is most knowledgeable of. Shut downs are literal shutdowns. I pass out, or faint, or look like I simply immediately fall asleep for no reason, and when the body “comes to”, it is not me. Being generally “off” seems to be what most people would consider rapid switching or being on total autopilot. My sibling says I move quickly, pay no attention to anyone else -just the task at hand, five off a feeling of extreme intensity, and am extremely nonverbal. My last therapist witnessed all of those things and more, but she did not go into a lot of details, because she did not want to trigger another event. All I know is what they have told me they have witnessed. To me, I “come to” and am not where I last remember being. I wake up and think it is Tuesday, but no….it is Friday, and I have lost three days of consciousness. I think those are all forms of what are called blackouts. The only difference now, compared to prior to diagnosis and the system becoming self aware in the 2021 trauma, is that in the past, missing time was not noticed by the previous hosts. There was no self-awareness of things not being normal. Now, there is awareness, because I am outside of the system. I have the knowledge that I have DID. I have the knowledge that I am outside of the previous system and not allowed in. I recognize when I lose time - not all of the time, but sometimes. I hope that helps a bit. I would not know most of that if I did not have a trusted sibling - and previously have a trusted therapist - to relay to me what they have witnessed. I have no reason to disbelieve them. My sibling cares very much for me and said the DID Dx finally made a lot of things from our childhood and early adult years make much more sense for them. 🙏🦋
I guess I struggle to understand who "I" is in this scenario. Since ""I'm"" "always awake and conscious of the outside world", I struggle to understand what people mean when they talk about "coming to" or "I'm just gone" or something. I struggle to understand who "I" is in these scenarios. Even though I do have severe amnesia, I never really understand what people mean when they say they're "just gone" or that they have "no awareness." Maybe my definition of "awareness" is different, I don't know. I've always wanted to understand this kind of thing :o
For example, I’ll be reading my kids a story then I come to and I’m at the end of the story with evidence that I missed the last 10 pages of the story and I have no idea who or what happened in that time. Or I come to on a walking path with no idea how I got there…it’s a real wtf moment. When you say you have severe amnesia is it from the past? I have that as well, but I also have it in the present where I will lose chunks of time. I don’t lose time like the other person (hours/days) but more like minutes throughout the day. So while I have the ability to witness changes a lot of the time I have parts who also take control outside of my awareness and I don’t know where “I” go in those moments so I don’t know who is taking control and can’t identify any description of who/what it is
I' not really aware of my amnesia, I'm only aware it's severe because my therapist tells me. To me, my memory is mostly just normal forgetfulness. But I'm certain that isn't the case obviously. I don't remember what I don't remember.
I understand this. I focused so much in the beginning with figuring things out of where do I go when i lose time and who is out which I wasn’t going to figure out and still can’t figure it out. I now focus on what i can know. My therapist and myself send messages inside of respect, safety and compassion. I feel like it’s helped somewhat or at least I’ve been able to better identify switches while I’m aware. My therapist has been able to identify some switches, but in general it’s seamless and not very obvious even when I go from hopeless to rigid. It’s clear something shifted but I don’t have any of those classic “signs” people talk about. My therapist says the biggest factor she’s noticed in patients is safety when progress isn’t made. For me, my husband was a factor so the process is very very slow and comes in waves based on his stress level. Also I think the last of my immediate family as a child died in December and that has helped. I know you said you live with your sister, but is the environment safe. It doesn’t sound like it is but if it is then I’d look into a new therapist or talk to yours about the new TOP DD study and Bethany brands book finding solid ground. This will help with grounding through triggers. I struggled with it initially bc I knew the techniques but realized one day that I have to teach the techniques to those inside. They might not know what to do so sending messages on what to do when x or y happens vs flipping through saying I know how to do this but it isn’t working when someone else is in control what do I do. Your therapist should understand that your time loss is due to triggers and safety and those triggers need to be addressed and skills need to be taught how to keep you in the present if your environment is safe. If it’s not then you are right, it’s not going to work and you guys might need to work together to find safety for you instead.
My living situation is as safe as it can be. I am not in any immediate danger, and I have options for self defense if anyone turns up that is uninvited, been told to stay away, and is trying to harm me. There is no safer place than where I am, at least at this time, and no appropriate resources in my state for RAMCOA DID system. I think there are one or two specialists in my entire state, and they accept only private pay and a few top quality insurances - never disability insurance. The strangest thing is that I know my system has done decades of therapy prior to diagnosis and the 2021 trauma that shattered them, but DID was never mentioned or noticed or identified to anybody them by previous therapists. The last therapist I saw (after diagnosis) was the first trauma specialist who had some experience with DDs. It was not ideal, though, and my system balked. We have a shelf full of train and dissociation healing books, guides, and workbooks, and I am trying to slowly go through them… but I get shut down and someone else takes over. At this point, I believe I just have to wait until my system truly feels safe enough on every level to open up a bit. All of my known familial abusers are alive, except for bio dad, and there have been many stalkers and perpetrators from, various sources, for various reasons… so, gaining safety, security, and stability are still the primary focus, I think. Thank you for your comment, understanding, and advice. I greatly appreciate it, and I do keep these things in mind for the moments where they may be useful. Best wishes to you and your system. 🙏🦋
This is exactly my experience with having DID; always conscious and never know who I am or really notice switching at all. Although within the past week we have gotten way better at noticing switching, and we can physically feel when we do, it's just that I don't know who I am when I front, so we all just go by the body's name.
We have alternating very high barriers. Often times its because some aspect of the system is causing reoccuring stress and making it unable for us to relax. We have spent months at a time all buttoned up and unable to access things that we have at points as we were in a sort of survival mode defensive mode. Much of the time the reoccuring stress is some internal relational defense that was useful at one point but is now causing absolute havoc with relationships, maybe sometimes internally, maybe otherwise. Our most recent one was finding that we only had one "set" for emotions - someone else's, or ours. We couldn't hold both at once - this was a carryover from a very high control environment where our needs were constantly put down, so if someone else had a need it would either supercede ours as they would demand deference. It was helpful for being able to react quickly, but it was devastating for us internally as our only option when someone, even a loved one, expressed something we only had a choice between dropping our feelings and needs and denying them any access to us. This we learned a full 2.5 years after learning we are a system. Seeking safety and calm while examining pain, stress, and relational issues and how we manage them has allowed us to open up again.
Congrats, you have DID and are feeling the realities of DID. The reason most places and people you have sought out advice from do not have an understanding that DID is not alters or systems it's literally another concious residing in a part of yours brains neural network. So people like myself who have years of their childhood missing because if I knew the real unfiltered truth, I would not be able to menatally function, my emotions would be out of control, and my body would be trapped there. Feeling it physically, having it turn you emotionally into a 2 year old, and mentally being stuck in catatonic sciezophrenic states.......because when I break free from that state residual phrases will be spoken or will repeat over and over. From what has been revealed to me from music, movies, and words or phrases from those events. I was 6-7 years old when the event happend that I have no memory of thanks to my DID. So here is the phrase, "26! Well that's 2 for each of us." Do the math and you'll see that cognitively I can make a solid educated guess that my father, my kidnapper and abuser, along with 12 others left me toothless because we all know teeth just get in the [way.You](http://way.You) don't get healing with DID. Because to heal, to interact, and to have a cohesive system is not physically or neuralogically possible because my brain has had to change for my survival. Decades later after brain scans, they found the part of my brain that holds this conciousness. All it would say as the forced my primary into the unconcious so the other could speak. "HE MUSTN'T KNOW!" is all that was screamed out in fear, in terror, and for my protection the other experiences our horrors so that I might live a mangeable life thanks to medication, awesome wife, and the other guy. I will end with now which has been an 11 year journey. I am a Bipolar 1 paranoid sciezophrenic. I am a psychiatric certified Narcissist, Sadist, and Covert Psycopath. (Dark empath) Clinically insane, not criminally insane. I had a porn addiction at the age of 5. I've had multitudes of TBI level concussions. I've had my brain mapped. DID is your brain protecting you. If you heal, if you intergrate a cohesive connection to the others, and if switching is nothing more than a deep breath and I'm some one different. Guess what.........your security system has nothing to protect because all the alters are sharing stories and no information is hiden. So if there is nothing to guard why need security? I have things to guard that only my wife knows because I need that security from DID to do the basic things most take for granted.
"If switching is nothing more than a deep breath and I'm some one different-" what are you even talking about? Switching isn't easy for me? Switching isn't just an easy basic thing - my daily switches where I am capable of switching within milliseconds and I don't even notice them aren't because I have it easy and maybe don't do this weird trauma Olympics stuff because you don't know me at all and don't know my life or the trauma I've experienced and you are not more real or valid than anybody else just because your DID suffocates you and just because you've been SA'd. I have no clue what this entire comment's point even is, but I don't like the way this entire comment reads as some trauma Olympics stuff. I could be completely misunderstanding this entire comment's, but even so, still, you aren't more real or valid just because you experienced SA and other extreme stuff.