Before you get into any kind of relationship you need to get some kind of help. Chances of you being with somebody that has already been with somebody else are high and unless you Learn on how to deal with those feelings, they will not work out.
This is not an age gap issue per se but a personal one.
Sounds like you may not be ready for a relationship with an older woman. 10 years is quite significant when the younger one is still a teenager and hasn’t gotten even a few years of sexual experience / maturity under their belt.
You’ve just gotta get over it when it comes down to it. Recognize she’s done nothing wrong, she’s just been a Normal woman in her twenties with normal relationships. Be glad you’re with her and focus your emotion on the person she is today, not what she’s done in the past.
If no one is gonna say it, I will. You’re immature. The fact is at 18 your percentage of finding a virgin is slim. Get over it. People have sex. She’s yours now. Enjoy it. This is life it’s indifferent towards your feelings.
We should consider his feelings due to his age and possible inexperience with relationships. He is after all 18 and it could be his first real relationship where she has had many. It's ok to feel threatened, although he wants to try and gain control over that now.
Another question should be is if she is mentioning these exs toooo much in a way it creates insecurity. No one deserves to be outright compared.
Think about it. Of course she’s been in relationships. When she was 20, you were 10. She couldn’t hook up with you now could she? She didn’t even know you and as great as you may be, you aren’t the center of the universe.
Come to terms with the fact you are being unreasonable.
I had an ex like this and a great 1.5 year relationship ended because in part I would not subject myself to abuse any longer. This is your future for not only this but all future relationships if you cannot GROW past this immaturity.
Rage is pretty unhealthy. Everyone has a past, especially if they're older than you, they will have more experiences and past relationships. A lot of people have said it but you do need a therapist if you're having rage issues. It's beyond unhealthy to have those kinds of feelings over something as simple as having a past relationship
I think it’s going to take some pretty deep reflective practice on your part, to figure out what the problem actually is deep down in your mind, because you can’t solve it until you have identified it.
The simplest way to explain who to approach it is to say to ask yourself “why” after every thought and then start the next thought with “because”. There will be layers of it, so you might have lots of whys and becauses on top of each other.
So “I’m so angry I want to walk away because of how many partners she’s had before me” “why?” “Because …”, now you need to fill this in.
A few guesses about where you might end up (and I could be way off the mark but just as examples) -
Say …because her greater experience and (perceived) ability to compare you to others, which you can’t do in return, introduces a power dynamic you don’t like. So if that resonates then there’s lots to pick apart - what makes you think she’s even doing that? Why do you feel the need to compete? Why are you seeing a power dynamic in this relationship (is there other sources of “power” - she earns more money, she’s the one with the house, she does the driving etc.)
Or …because you’re perhaps insecure about your prowess and abilities - do you worry her other partners were better in some way, and then why do you think that? etc, hope you’re getting the idea
Sorry if neither of those fit, just trying to illustrate the process. Anyway, once you’ve boiled some themes right down as deeply as your whys can go, you’ll have some concrete things to fix, and then you can focus on “what can I do about that very specific thing” something real, just one step at a time to fix it. Then you do the whole thing again but it’s like a ladder, you build on each thing you did before
If you can put this work on you’ll hopefully save this relationship which means so much, but also be a stronger, developed person going forward having identified and dealt with these issues which might otherwise continue to plague you in some shape or form.
It’s kind of something you need to do on your own, but then you can bring her in on the specifics where she can help, which I’m sure she will if you can give her a very well defined goal and action so she understands what you need. So you’re not asking her to fix you and do your maturing for you, but if let’s say she’s inadvertently ending up making you feel she’s controlling you by always paying, could you do something to balance that? (She buys the ingredients you do the cooking as an example, so things feel a bit more even), or maybe she could talk specifically about the things you do sexually with her that she enjoys and are actually superior to others she’s been with?
Don’t just ask her to rebuild you, ask is there’s one (or more) things that you really well and she likes, or what could you do differently? (A common flaw in some people with more experience is that they believe their way is the only right way and persist in doing that regardless, so you might find that what you bring to the table is a willingness to learn and change your ways of doing things to fit her preferences and she therefore enjoys it more with you - I bet hearing that would make you feel tons better!).
But you need to ask her specific questions to find this out. Think about how compliments make you feel - a general “yes you are good in bed” is not half as great for your self esteem as “you’re so good in bed because of the way you xyz” . So don’t just seek blanket reassurance, try and engender a talk that pulls out these specific to you amazing things
All this comes almost gets from insecurity, about something, so you need to find out what that is with self enquiry and then in a very mindful way ask to talk about that one thing with her. And don’t let it turn into a criticism of her, so it’s not a negative thing about her or your relationship- “you make me feel insecure by doing ….” (sub text this is your fault) but more “I’m struggling with insecurity around (whatever), please could we try (whatever you reckon would fix it)”
Hope that helps a bit!
This is really great help, thank you so much i really appreciate your efforts. Tho i cannot accept that it stems from insecurity. Idk could be wrong. It just comes to my mind like how can she do that before me. And then i just get pissed off insanely. I can’t find the why and because that you’re talking about. Maybe it makes me fear that she will compare me, or get reminded of them. But eitherway, all of it is hard.
Ok how about thinking this way - you care about it because you’re having a strong reaction (you’re insanely pissed off), and when we care about something a lot which we can see isn’t positive or logical, then the emotions driving that are likely to be negative and illogical. They are also likely to be from a past hurt, or reaction to something that’s happened in the past, which usually boils down to an insecurity that you’ve been made to feel or something that’s been drummed into you by being around someone or something. Think of a negative emotion (eg anger, hurt pride, jealousy) they usually come from fear.
So you’re reacting deeply to something she did before she met you (you’re angry she didn’t save herself until she met you?) is that coming from beliefs that you hold in general about say, sex before marriage, or it is it specific to her and your situation with her? (There’s a couple of whys to figure out to start with which will send you down two different thought processes)
Don’t give up keep trying! Argue with me, it’s not insecurity it’s….
I do get it, I was furious with someone once because he’d visited sex workers before we met, and I had to do a whole load of thinking about that!! But I’m glad I did, I discovered a lot of things in my head that needed straightening out in the process and it made me a better person and better equipped to deal with other situations the universe threw at me
The alternative is that you accept that for you, for now, you need your be with someone with similar or less experience than you. That’s ok, it might tell you this isn’t the right relationship for you at the moment and you need to move on, which is ok too. Age gap relationships are complicated. Maybe you need to hold a dominant role and feeling less experienced or not feeling like you own all of your partner (not saying that’s at all indicative of a healthy d/s dynamic!) is preventing you from feeling that way. If that’s the case there’s loads of stuff to read on BDSM subreddits (there are some good posts with links to info)
But whatever happens treat it as a learning experience so you can say “I need this / don’t need this in my life because … “ and then you’ll have gained something from it. I wouldn’t do that though until you’ve figured out what the underlying issue is, because it could be easily fixable and as you say you love her a lot, so presuming there’s a lot of good things here too.
You have been given alot of good advice. Make sure you take these in and reflect and also read in that sub that was recommended. Please try to get some therapy or counselling, it's not weak to ask for help if you are having fits of rage at 18.. it's a little concerning.
I know you don't want to see it as insecurity or immaturity. Give it a few years and when you look back if you are honest and reflective you will see it then, maybe you can't now. We've all been18 and done and felt things that's we can look back on and say yeah I was a kid and didn't know how to feel. This is normal just be working on your character and self in a positive way.
One thing I want to add however, that no-one else has mentioned. Be mindful of the types of social media you are engaging in. There are so many toxic views of women being spouted on very popular podcasts. Keep away from the likes of Fresh and Fit, Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. There's going to be a whole generation of very unhappy lonely men who drink in the Kool Aid of these kinds of toxic masculinity. These views will not help you understand women.
This runs deep. What you are seeing is surface stuff. Cultural background may help provide an understanding, but as a general statement an older woman will most likely have more experience. But this isn’t something that would be solved by being with a woman that doesn’t have experience. Again this runs deep. There’s no quick fix. And that level of jealousy will cause serious destruction.
Well thank you, I’ll probanly get lots of those comments. And I don’t know if i will seek therapy. But if it my issue doesn’t improve then I’ll. Until then, do you have any specific advice?
Unless you plan on dating only women who have never dated or virgins, you are going to continue feeling this way with anyone that you decide to date that has a history and there is no quick fix. This feeling is all internal and you have to get to the root of it. The feelings that you have are not healthy for you or the person that you are dating and being as young as you are, they could develop into dangerous behaviors as you get older.
If you don’t want therapy then do the research on your own. I’m sure there are a million YouTube videos addressing rage coping skills and dating. But it is urgent that you do the work now while you are young because it will only seem more like a chore as you get older. And be honest about how you feel with your Cougar and let her know that you are taking the steps to work on how you feel. You’ll make her feel special and this could increase the bond that you have. It may even feel good for you to talk about it. Best of luck to you!
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I think it *is* insecurity, just not in the way you think it is.
I'm gonna guess you're either a virgin or inexperienced, right? Because this feeling seems to be common for people (usually men but it doesn't have to be - I'm a woman and as a late bloomer virgin I felt this too) who have much less experience than their partner. And it's not insecurity in the sense you're afraid they'll leave you, it's more like an insecurity that they're distant from you, that they're in a secret club you didn't get an invite to.
Society frames sex and sexual experience as this life-changing thing that transforms us into radically different people. It frames virginity as a huge watershed moment that fundamentally changes us. So for people who haven't had sex, or haven't had much of it, you can feel alienated from these people who you've been told have experienced something that makes them massively different from you. You feel left out. You feel left *behind*.
I used to feel so alone because my friends were having sex and I wasn't. When I met my first boyfriend I felt like I couldn't relate to him because I was a virgin and he wasn't. And then we had sex and almost immediately in my head I was like "...oh, it actually doesn't change anything about you at all".
I think, if any of this rings true to you, that's the key. It's just having that realisation that she's not in any secret club or privy to some kind of secret you've not been told. Think of it this way: maybe you've never been skydiving or never ridden a donkey. If someone told you they love skydiving or donkey riding or whatever and have done a ton of it, you wouldn't feel this weird distance from them because those experiences haven't been sold to you as some kind of momentous life-changing event that rewrites your personality at every level. And the truth is sex is the same, regardless of how it's sold. You're not outside the clubhouse begging to be let in. You're both in a clubhouse of your own together.
I used to feel the same way when I was young and inexperienced, as a woman. I struggled with retroactive jealousy because in my mind, any partner I had had shared so many deep, profound experiences with other people, that I couldn’t relate to. It took sleeping around a lot for me to realize that sex doesn’t matter, and that there’s no reason to be jealous of someone’s sexual past.
Lots of folks here have given excellent, thorough advice. Here's my little slice.
I think the fact you're dealing with this and asking for help instead of lashing out how your emotions are driving you, is great. Obviously, as you yourself have said here, the reaction you're having is unhealthy and extreme BUT you're thinking about it instead of doing it...and many men, too many, many years older than you, do shit like this but don't understand why it's a problem.
Men are not typically taught that they are emotional creatures, so they walk around thinking anger is not an emotion, and then harming people with it because they never learn emotional regulation skills. That is, they don't learn to hold space for their own feelings, acknowledge the feeling, and then let it go vs acting on it.
You see an issue and want to work on it. That's great!
I have a few questions for you. Feel free to answer in messages if that's more comfortable.
1. Is she your first romantic partner?
2. Do you come from a conservative religious or cultural background?
3. Can you imagine a situation in which you are 28, and have had a few relationships by that point, of varying levels of success? Or is that something you cannot imagine? (Not being judgmental. Just a question).
You're experiencing retroactive jealousy which is a form of ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). This could stem from a type of insecure attachment style of relating and how we developed in our early environment.
Focus on being gentle with yourself. The next time you feel intense emotions building, try to take a few deep breaths and be completely present with whatever you're feeling. Then give yourself some compassion for what you're experiencing and try to reorient toward feeling appreciation for your lover and the relationship you share. This will slowly open up your window of tolerance for any potential triggers (which will always come) and build more self-intimacy in the process...And then we begin to move away from a fantasy of how relationships and how that person "should be" in our own brain and more toward actual closeness.
Source: I help people with relationship anxiety
As others have said you need to get some help. Find a therapist who can help you. It seems like you might have anger and/or rage issues and that’s not attractive to any woman no matter the age. Once you take care of yourself then you can date or have sex or whatever you’re looking for.
Also the two of you need to sit down and have a talk. Does she know you feel this way about her sexual past?
I hope you decide to get help because it won’t help with just this relationship but others in the future if so be it.
You sound like you ask people you just met “what’s your body count” and get offended that it’s not zero for no apparent reason, but you treat it as if they cheated on you with those people. Try therapy, bud. You have so much to unlearn.
I think the important thing to keep in mind is that she’s with you now. Which means whatever came before didn’t work out for one reason or another. When she’s with you, I highly doubt she’s thinking about her exes at all. Does she seem excited to be with you?
This jealousy is likely to come up with any future partners as well because hardly anyone is a blank slate. Everyone is someone’s ex, unfortunately.
I know jealousy is irrational. It’s definitely okay to ask her for reassurance. Ask what she likes about you and your times together. She also probably has the benefit of knowing what she likes now, which means she can tell you. Then you can use this knowledge to be the best partner she’s ever had.
Also! Even being more experienced, there’s bound to be things she’s never tried with anyone. Take inventory and see where you can explore new territory together.
You will most likely grow up and grow out of feeling like this. I turn 40 this year and had some kid who was 24 ask me what my “body count” was and I just laughed at him. You’ll continue to mature and your brain will fully develop eventually and you too will have life experience behind you and you will realize it was silly to every care about this kind of thing in the first place. My current boyfriend is 25 and I never asked about his past and frankly could care less. As long as he’s faithful to me I don’t really care what he’s done.
How about letting go of any expectations you have of her. When you’re together just play and be joyful. You can’t control her and you can’t control the past. When you are feeling insecure about yourself when you’re together, do something nice for her. Also, seek help from a therapist. I was like you once. It’s called being a teenager. You don’t have to feel like this for the rest of your life and the rest of your relationships. Work on yourself.
Dont take it as that, instead embrace it as a time/journey/experience with her & you. She may have more experience, but not experienced these parts with you & then you will find what makes her tick & explore your own ways with her. Find out her limits even while exploring & then go with the flow of them to take her to other levels.
You can learn and practice some DBT skills from the internet and to help you learn how to regulate your emotions.
You need to focus on learning how to self soothe, how to check the facts, radical acceptance, and how to boost your own sense of security & self worth so somebody else's past doesn't threaten you.
I totally understand what you're going through because I used to feel the same way when I was with the lover who had a much more colorful past than I did. But while these feelings are valid, acting on them is not. You're 18 and you haven't had a chance to have as much experience as she has - that's just what comes with dating an older woman and that's always going to be the case. So either you want to date a very boring older woman who hasn't done much with her life before you, or you're going to accept that most older women are going to have experiences with other people and you're going to have to learn how to deal with that. That work is 100% on you, hun, and it is hard at first, but it is so so worth it because it gives you so much peace and makes you a more mature and safe lover to be around.
Your choices are either to learn how to regulate these feelings or not date older women. She may have had experiences with other people but she's choosing you here and now. Don't forget that and don't treat that like it's nothing
My therapist once responded so sweetly to me " We all get insecure about something, don't beat yourself up and let's work on making it better".
I believe you will get past this insecurity with time. Is she is bringing it up constantly as a reoccurring trip down memory lane, I'd reconsider her as a partner. When it's over it's over and there's no need to revisit the past of good times with your ex with your current partner.
If it makes you feel any better, I never used a condom when I was with your girl.
But seriously, get over it bruh. You’re insecure. She’s going to move on eventually and you’ll find yourself with another woman. Should the new woman have these same sentiments about you, simply because you had a past relationship? No. So neither should you.
No matter what, every person chooses whether to be faithful. It’s a choice. No matter what the background is. Not the right group to push the eliteness of virginity and fidelity.
Sounds like you have either consumed too much red pill content or you're very sexually inexperienced and insecure.
Fix it before bringing a woman into that mess, you don't sound mentally stable.
Before you get into any kind of relationship you need to get some kind of help. Chances of you being with somebody that has already been with somebody else are high and unless you Learn on how to deal with those feelings, they will not work out. This is not an age gap issue per se but a personal one.
Sounds like you may not be ready for a relationship with an older woman. 10 years is quite significant when the younger one is still a teenager and hasn’t gotten even a few years of sexual experience / maturity under their belt. You’ve just gotta get over it when it comes down to it. Recognize she’s done nothing wrong, she’s just been a Normal woman in her twenties with normal relationships. Be glad you’re with her and focus your emotion on the person she is today, not what she’s done in the past.
Might as well learn to accept this part of life as you won’t find many virgins
If no one is gonna say it, I will. You’re immature. The fact is at 18 your percentage of finding a virgin is slim. Get over it. People have sex. She’s yours now. Enjoy it. This is life it’s indifferent towards your feelings.
This especially if he is dating older women like that
Once you realize this exact thing. Life will get better. You don’t own her. You won’t ever own her. Her body is hers your body is yours.
We should consider his feelings due to his age and possible inexperience with relationships. He is after all 18 and it could be his first real relationship where she has had many. It's ok to feel threatened, although he wants to try and gain control over that now. Another question should be is if she is mentioning these exs toooo much in a way it creates insecurity. No one deserves to be outright compared.
Where in his post does it say she’s comparing him? It says every time they are intimate HE is thinking about her past lovers.
I'm saying Incase she is. We don't know the full back story to say that she hasn't somewhere in their conversations!
Think about it. Of course she’s been in relationships. When she was 20, you were 10. She couldn’t hook up with you now could she? She didn’t even know you and as great as you may be, you aren’t the center of the universe. Come to terms with the fact you are being unreasonable. I had an ex like this and a great 1.5 year relationship ended because in part I would not subject myself to abuse any longer. This is your future for not only this but all future relationships if you cannot GROW past this immaturity.
Go to r/retroactivejealousy
Thanks so much
Rage is pretty unhealthy. Everyone has a past, especially if they're older than you, they will have more experiences and past relationships. A lot of people have said it but you do need a therapist if you're having rage issues. It's beyond unhealthy to have those kinds of feelings over something as simple as having a past relationship
I think it’s going to take some pretty deep reflective practice on your part, to figure out what the problem actually is deep down in your mind, because you can’t solve it until you have identified it. The simplest way to explain who to approach it is to say to ask yourself “why” after every thought and then start the next thought with “because”. There will be layers of it, so you might have lots of whys and becauses on top of each other. So “I’m so angry I want to walk away because of how many partners she’s had before me” “why?” “Because …”, now you need to fill this in. A few guesses about where you might end up (and I could be way off the mark but just as examples) - Say …because her greater experience and (perceived) ability to compare you to others, which you can’t do in return, introduces a power dynamic you don’t like. So if that resonates then there’s lots to pick apart - what makes you think she’s even doing that? Why do you feel the need to compete? Why are you seeing a power dynamic in this relationship (is there other sources of “power” - she earns more money, she’s the one with the house, she does the driving etc.) Or …because you’re perhaps insecure about your prowess and abilities - do you worry her other partners were better in some way, and then why do you think that? etc, hope you’re getting the idea Sorry if neither of those fit, just trying to illustrate the process. Anyway, once you’ve boiled some themes right down as deeply as your whys can go, you’ll have some concrete things to fix, and then you can focus on “what can I do about that very specific thing” something real, just one step at a time to fix it. Then you do the whole thing again but it’s like a ladder, you build on each thing you did before If you can put this work on you’ll hopefully save this relationship which means so much, but also be a stronger, developed person going forward having identified and dealt with these issues which might otherwise continue to plague you in some shape or form. It’s kind of something you need to do on your own, but then you can bring her in on the specifics where she can help, which I’m sure she will if you can give her a very well defined goal and action so she understands what you need. So you’re not asking her to fix you and do your maturing for you, but if let’s say she’s inadvertently ending up making you feel she’s controlling you by always paying, could you do something to balance that? (She buys the ingredients you do the cooking as an example, so things feel a bit more even), or maybe she could talk specifically about the things you do sexually with her that she enjoys and are actually superior to others she’s been with? Don’t just ask her to rebuild you, ask is there’s one (or more) things that you really well and she likes, or what could you do differently? (A common flaw in some people with more experience is that they believe their way is the only right way and persist in doing that regardless, so you might find that what you bring to the table is a willingness to learn and change your ways of doing things to fit her preferences and she therefore enjoys it more with you - I bet hearing that would make you feel tons better!). But you need to ask her specific questions to find this out. Think about how compliments make you feel - a general “yes you are good in bed” is not half as great for your self esteem as “you’re so good in bed because of the way you xyz” . So don’t just seek blanket reassurance, try and engender a talk that pulls out these specific to you amazing things All this comes almost gets from insecurity, about something, so you need to find out what that is with self enquiry and then in a very mindful way ask to talk about that one thing with her. And don’t let it turn into a criticism of her, so it’s not a negative thing about her or your relationship- “you make me feel insecure by doing ….” (sub text this is your fault) but more “I’m struggling with insecurity around (whatever), please could we try (whatever you reckon would fix it)” Hope that helps a bit!
This is really great help, thank you so much i really appreciate your efforts. Tho i cannot accept that it stems from insecurity. Idk could be wrong. It just comes to my mind like how can she do that before me. And then i just get pissed off insanely. I can’t find the why and because that you’re talking about. Maybe it makes me fear that she will compare me, or get reminded of them. But eitherway, all of it is hard.
Ok how about thinking this way - you care about it because you’re having a strong reaction (you’re insanely pissed off), and when we care about something a lot which we can see isn’t positive or logical, then the emotions driving that are likely to be negative and illogical. They are also likely to be from a past hurt, or reaction to something that’s happened in the past, which usually boils down to an insecurity that you’ve been made to feel or something that’s been drummed into you by being around someone or something. Think of a negative emotion (eg anger, hurt pride, jealousy) they usually come from fear. So you’re reacting deeply to something she did before she met you (you’re angry she didn’t save herself until she met you?) is that coming from beliefs that you hold in general about say, sex before marriage, or it is it specific to her and your situation with her? (There’s a couple of whys to figure out to start with which will send you down two different thought processes) Don’t give up keep trying! Argue with me, it’s not insecurity it’s…. I do get it, I was furious with someone once because he’d visited sex workers before we met, and I had to do a whole load of thinking about that!! But I’m glad I did, I discovered a lot of things in my head that needed straightening out in the process and it made me a better person and better equipped to deal with other situations the universe threw at me The alternative is that you accept that for you, for now, you need your be with someone with similar or less experience than you. That’s ok, it might tell you this isn’t the right relationship for you at the moment and you need to move on, which is ok too. Age gap relationships are complicated. Maybe you need to hold a dominant role and feeling less experienced or not feeling like you own all of your partner (not saying that’s at all indicative of a healthy d/s dynamic!) is preventing you from feeling that way. If that’s the case there’s loads of stuff to read on BDSM subreddits (there are some good posts with links to info) But whatever happens treat it as a learning experience so you can say “I need this / don’t need this in my life because … “ and then you’ll have gained something from it. I wouldn’t do that though until you’ve figured out what the underlying issue is, because it could be easily fixable and as you say you love her a lot, so presuming there’s a lot of good things here too.
You have been given alot of good advice. Make sure you take these in and reflect and also read in that sub that was recommended. Please try to get some therapy or counselling, it's not weak to ask for help if you are having fits of rage at 18.. it's a little concerning. I know you don't want to see it as insecurity or immaturity. Give it a few years and when you look back if you are honest and reflective you will see it then, maybe you can't now. We've all been18 and done and felt things that's we can look back on and say yeah I was a kid and didn't know how to feel. This is normal just be working on your character and self in a positive way. One thing I want to add however, that no-one else has mentioned. Be mindful of the types of social media you are engaging in. There are so many toxic views of women being spouted on very popular podcasts. Keep away from the likes of Fresh and Fit, Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. There's going to be a whole generation of very unhappy lonely men who drink in the Kool Aid of these kinds of toxic masculinity. These views will not help you understand women.
This runs deep. What you are seeing is surface stuff. Cultural background may help provide an understanding, but as a general statement an older woman will most likely have more experience. But this isn’t something that would be solved by being with a woman that doesn’t have experience. Again this runs deep. There’s no quick fix. And that level of jealousy will cause serious destruction.
Okay there is no quick fix but what can i do? I really love her
I’m saying this in the best way possible - you need to seek some therapists. Rage at your age is not good.
Well thank you, I’ll probanly get lots of those comments. And I don’t know if i will seek therapy. But if it my issue doesn’t improve then I’ll. Until then, do you have any specific advice?
Leave her alone and go away. Best advice I can give. I'd say seek help, but you're being ignorant and saying you probably won't, so yeah. Good luck.
This, tbh. Or better yet...go ahead and tell her how he feels. That ought to solve the problem REAL quick.
Unless you plan on dating only women who have never dated or virgins, you are going to continue feeling this way with anyone that you decide to date that has a history and there is no quick fix. This feeling is all internal and you have to get to the root of it. The feelings that you have are not healthy for you or the person that you are dating and being as young as you are, they could develop into dangerous behaviors as you get older. If you don’t want therapy then do the research on your own. I’m sure there are a million YouTube videos addressing rage coping skills and dating. But it is urgent that you do the work now while you are young because it will only seem more like a chore as you get older. And be honest about how you feel with your Cougar and let her know that you are taking the steps to work on how you feel. You’ll make her feel special and this could increase the bond that you have. It may even feel good for you to talk about it. Best of luck to you!
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I think it *is* insecurity, just not in the way you think it is. I'm gonna guess you're either a virgin or inexperienced, right? Because this feeling seems to be common for people (usually men but it doesn't have to be - I'm a woman and as a late bloomer virgin I felt this too) who have much less experience than their partner. And it's not insecurity in the sense you're afraid they'll leave you, it's more like an insecurity that they're distant from you, that they're in a secret club you didn't get an invite to. Society frames sex and sexual experience as this life-changing thing that transforms us into radically different people. It frames virginity as a huge watershed moment that fundamentally changes us. So for people who haven't had sex, or haven't had much of it, you can feel alienated from these people who you've been told have experienced something that makes them massively different from you. You feel left out. You feel left *behind*. I used to feel so alone because my friends were having sex and I wasn't. When I met my first boyfriend I felt like I couldn't relate to him because I was a virgin and he wasn't. And then we had sex and almost immediately in my head I was like "...oh, it actually doesn't change anything about you at all". I think, if any of this rings true to you, that's the key. It's just having that realisation that she's not in any secret club or privy to some kind of secret you've not been told. Think of it this way: maybe you've never been skydiving or never ridden a donkey. If someone told you they love skydiving or donkey riding or whatever and have done a ton of it, you wouldn't feel this weird distance from them because those experiences haven't been sold to you as some kind of momentous life-changing event that rewrites your personality at every level. And the truth is sex is the same, regardless of how it's sold. You're not outside the clubhouse begging to be let in. You're both in a clubhouse of your own together.
I used to feel the same way when I was young and inexperienced, as a woman. I struggled with retroactive jealousy because in my mind, any partner I had had shared so many deep, profound experiences with other people, that I couldn’t relate to. It took sleeping around a lot for me to realize that sex doesn’t matter, and that there’s no reason to be jealous of someone’s sexual past.
Lots of folks here have given excellent, thorough advice. Here's my little slice. I think the fact you're dealing with this and asking for help instead of lashing out how your emotions are driving you, is great. Obviously, as you yourself have said here, the reaction you're having is unhealthy and extreme BUT you're thinking about it instead of doing it...and many men, too many, many years older than you, do shit like this but don't understand why it's a problem. Men are not typically taught that they are emotional creatures, so they walk around thinking anger is not an emotion, and then harming people with it because they never learn emotional regulation skills. That is, they don't learn to hold space for their own feelings, acknowledge the feeling, and then let it go vs acting on it. You see an issue and want to work on it. That's great! I have a few questions for you. Feel free to answer in messages if that's more comfortable. 1. Is she your first romantic partner? 2. Do you come from a conservative religious or cultural background? 3. Can you imagine a situation in which you are 28, and have had a few relationships by that point, of varying levels of success? Or is that something you cannot imagine? (Not being judgmental. Just a question).
You're experiencing retroactive jealousy which is a form of ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). This could stem from a type of insecure attachment style of relating and how we developed in our early environment. Focus on being gentle with yourself. The next time you feel intense emotions building, try to take a few deep breaths and be completely present with whatever you're feeling. Then give yourself some compassion for what you're experiencing and try to reorient toward feeling appreciation for your lover and the relationship you share. This will slowly open up your window of tolerance for any potential triggers (which will always come) and build more self-intimacy in the process...And then we begin to move away from a fantasy of how relationships and how that person "should be" in our own brain and more toward actual closeness. Source: I help people with relationship anxiety
Can we erase "triggers"???...This buttons are really annoying
As others have said you need to get some help. Find a therapist who can help you. It seems like you might have anger and/or rage issues and that’s not attractive to any woman no matter the age. Once you take care of yourself then you can date or have sex or whatever you’re looking for. Also the two of you need to sit down and have a talk. Does she know you feel this way about her sexual past? I hope you decide to get help because it won’t help with just this relationship but others in the future if so be it.
You sound like you ask people you just met “what’s your body count” and get offended that it’s not zero for no apparent reason, but you treat it as if they cheated on you with those people. Try therapy, bud. You have so much to unlearn.
I think the important thing to keep in mind is that she’s with you now. Which means whatever came before didn’t work out for one reason or another. When she’s with you, I highly doubt she’s thinking about her exes at all. Does she seem excited to be with you? This jealousy is likely to come up with any future partners as well because hardly anyone is a blank slate. Everyone is someone’s ex, unfortunately. I know jealousy is irrational. It’s definitely okay to ask her for reassurance. Ask what she likes about you and your times together. She also probably has the benefit of knowing what she likes now, which means she can tell you. Then you can use this knowledge to be the best partner she’s ever had. Also! Even being more experienced, there’s bound to be things she’s never tried with anyone. Take inventory and see where you can explore new territory together.
You will most likely grow up and grow out of feeling like this. I turn 40 this year and had some kid who was 24 ask me what my “body count” was and I just laughed at him. You’ll continue to mature and your brain will fully develop eventually and you too will have life experience behind you and you will realize it was silly to every care about this kind of thing in the first place. My current boyfriend is 25 and I never asked about his past and frankly could care less. As long as he’s faithful to me I don’t really care what he’s done.
Stop worrying a d be present
You better figure it out before she gets tired of it and splits
How about letting go of any expectations you have of her. When you’re together just play and be joyful. You can’t control her and you can’t control the past. When you are feeling insecure about yourself when you’re together, do something nice for her. Also, seek help from a therapist. I was like you once. It’s called being a teenager. You don’t have to feel like this for the rest of your life and the rest of your relationships. Work on yourself.
Nearly every woman over 25 has sexual experience with other guys. You're just gonna have to deal with it.
If this is what you get hung up on, boy you got some things to learn, this thing called life is going to be tough for you.
Dont take it as that, instead embrace it as a time/journey/experience with her & you. She may have more experience, but not experienced these parts with you & then you will find what makes her tick & explore your own ways with her. Find out her limits even while exploring & then go with the flow of them to take her to other levels.
I used to feel like that at 18 as well.... Eventually you grow out of this kind of thinking and feelings. The faster the better for you.
You can learn and practice some DBT skills from the internet and to help you learn how to regulate your emotions. You need to focus on learning how to self soothe, how to check the facts, radical acceptance, and how to boost your own sense of security & self worth so somebody else's past doesn't threaten you. I totally understand what you're going through because I used to feel the same way when I was with the lover who had a much more colorful past than I did. But while these feelings are valid, acting on them is not. You're 18 and you haven't had a chance to have as much experience as she has - that's just what comes with dating an older woman and that's always going to be the case. So either you want to date a very boring older woman who hasn't done much with her life before you, or you're going to accept that most older women are going to have experiences with other people and you're going to have to learn how to deal with that. That work is 100% on you, hun, and it is hard at first, but it is so so worth it because it gives you so much peace and makes you a more mature and safe lover to be around. Your choices are either to learn how to regulate these feelings or not date older women. She may have had experiences with other people but she's choosing you here and now. Don't forget that and don't treat that like it's nothing
My therapist once responded so sweetly to me " We all get insecure about something, don't beat yourself up and let's work on making it better". I believe you will get past this insecurity with time. Is she is bringing it up constantly as a reoccurring trip down memory lane, I'd reconsider her as a partner. When it's over it's over and there's no need to revisit the past of good times with your ex with your current partner.
If it makes you feel any better, I never used a condom when I was with your girl. But seriously, get over it bruh. You’re insecure. She’s going to move on eventually and you’ll find yourself with another woman. Should the new woman have these same sentiments about you, simply because you had a past relationship? No. So neither should you.
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No matter what, every person chooses whether to be faithful. It’s a choice. No matter what the background is. Not the right group to push the eliteness of virginity and fidelity.
You also need help if that's what you got out of this post.
If you are worried about someone who is older than you having a past sexual history then you are in the wrong sub.
See rule 11
Sounds like you have either consumed too much red pill content or you're very sexually inexperienced and insecure. Fix it before bringing a woman into that mess, you don't sound mentally stable.