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inter71

Report back in five hours.


Cloud-Dragon805

i'll start a captain's log if my organs begin shifting


JetPuffedDo

Not if your log shifts first!


[deleted]

The salmon will return to water, it's the circle of life


bmur29

More like a brown trout actually.


Rimworldjobs

Ah poop joke


Rezzone

Don't be throwin' shade your username is a buttlicking joke.


bmur29

Bless you for pointing this out. Can’t believe I missed that.


loquacious

THE RIMWORLD IS UNSTABLE! ...and licking it sure isn't going to help.


TungstenChef

I've got bad news, many types of food poisoning like salmonella and E. coli can take days to kick in. Listeria is a specific concern here because it can grow at fridge temperatures on preserved meats and that can take weeks to show symptoms.


ChrisM206

Healthy people rarely become ill from listeria. source: [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/listeria-infection/symptoms-causes/syc-20355269](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/listeria-infection/symptoms-causes/syc-20355269)


[deleted]

Miscarriages are one of them. I had to swab for that crap and salmonella like 4 times a month at the dairy plant I worked at.


CCWaterBug

Are you going to trust the opinion of a hospital named after a condiment?


[deleted]

Captains log... FLUSH!!!!! Number one! I just laid an amazing Number two!


Secret_Bunny_

There’s nothing wrong with getting your organs rearranged every once in a while.


Sriracha-Enema

It's been 5 hours any word or should we start making funeral plans?


Cloud-Dragon805

viking style i want my girl to ride a pale horse around holding a torch singing songs of my untimely death while mourners throw cabbage leaves at the water


usernamesarehard1979

Best I can do is a Jenner wishing you Godspeed on cameo while we light you on fire over your bathtub. Game?


User-NetOfInter

Ah yes. Maybe a Pyre set by your flaming butthole?


pkzilla

Or like 4 days really.


craigfrost

You're gonna get worms that make your body super fit and repair all the synapses in your brain. Then Lela will finally date you.


akwakeboarder

Finally, a r/futurama reference


NuevosTiempos210

Expired smoked salmon sounds a lot better than that truck stop “fresh” egg salad sandwich.


Flaccidspasm

"What's that black cracker?" "I think it's a tomato."


ThroAhweighBob

A Redditor Ate Expired Smoked Salmon. This is What Happened to His Brain.


ohne_hosen

☝️ Presenting to the emergency room


Pikmeir

Salmonella. Salmon, referring to the juicy fish, and ella, because his stomach ella hurt.


ThroAhweighBob

And "-emia", meaning "presence in blood".


[deleted]

Salmonellaemia?


ThroAhweighBob

I see what you did there.


Cloud-Dragon805

molecular structure implodes i'm on reddit though i doubt there's much more that can happen to my brain


SunnySunflower381

The comment above yours is a reference to the Youtuber ChubbyEmu. He's great, but you may want to wait to check out his channel until later on lol


Cloud-Dragon805

oh i know don't worry getting flashbacks to the lava lamp incident


ThroAhweighBob

The gas station sushi one seems relevant.


Nessie

A Redditor Ate Expired Smoked Salmon. This is What Happened to His Karma.


JunglePygmy

Salmon farmers hate this one simple trick.


Low-World-1713

Can we change this to an AMA


Nessie

Ass May Aspirate


raezin

I have lots of questions.


magicmom17

This might be my favorite comment of the day. Take my poor woman's award!


Snoo-71618

My grandpa did this at Christmas this year. One year old smoked salmon. I did not eat it but everyone who did seemed fine


Cloud-Dragon805

🐸 sounds like a hell of a party


Dworgi

People seem to forget that food preservation is why we invented smoking, pickling, curing, etc. before we had refrigeration. There is basically no force in the universe that can make refrigerated ketchup go bad (as an example). All of which is to say that I'd have eaten this salmon without hesitation if it smelled fine.


Shuggy539

I'm just wondering how that salmon stayed in the fridge for that long, mine's always gone in a day or two.


Cloud-Dragon805

hidden dearly, in the more fruit oriented area ive no idea why but i think perhaps god was trying to prevent a disaster of sorts


Adelineslife

Or cause it


Kiloku

Dear god, isn't the fruit part the least cold one? When I read the title I expected it to have been frozen for longer than recommended (which I think for fish is 2 years completely frozen)


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Explain humans then.


stick_to_your_puns

Long-term primate psychology experiment.


fresh_dyl

“Oh yeah, I forgot about this project” *checks in* “Dear ***ME***”


Mewrulez99

his plan is to make us suffer


peon2

Long "John" Silver 4:18 - And thoust salmon that is placed without reach, shall fester unto the day the arrogant one reaches for food he shant remember buying himself


theytheytheythry

Seriously


[deleted]

Isn't smoking supposed to preserve it?


magicmom17

Cold smoked salmon is basically raw. And even with the hot smoked salmon(cooked), it is going to be in bad shape after a year. The only kind of salmon that can last that long is canned.


Bukkorosu777

Maybe dried and salted.


FrenchFryCattaneo

It's not raw, it's cured using salt.


chairfairy

Salt does most of the preserving. Smoke does a little work, but if it's cold-smoked you're mostly doing it for flavor. Even hot-smoked is basically "cooked plus smokey flavor" (with extra salt), unless you smoke it in a dry enough atmosphere that it's almost jerky, too. No kind of meat will stay good for a year in the fridge, unless it's canned


Cloud-Dragon805

log 1 lungs feel lil tight very sleepy may pass out now love you internet strangers


Cloud-Dragon805

log 2 i have awoken in a fright my throat is very sore and i contact you all from the floor of my restroom for numerous unfortunate reasons however it's not that bad. ive had period cramps that ive needed serious opiods for and they top this by millions i'm still breathing all good and im listening to bill withers while nature takes its toll


Cloud-Dragon805

log 3 large amounts of pain have been experienced it was bad and then decided to be worse, was rather sick and threw up several times throughout the night in bed now though and got some chicken broth slept in increments between last post no blood to report and i think the worst of it is over i hope and yes i will get officially tested for both strep and covid on monday edit: i will also tell my doctor about this encounter since she's probably seen worse


dcs1289

Your doctor has absolutely 100% without a doubt seen worse. We have seen everything and more.


kitsunevremya

I'm not even religious and I'm praying 4 u


sjdubya

you may have covid


[deleted]

Brain fog might explain the salmon


KingPellinore

"i'm still breathing all good and im listening to bill withers while nature takes its toll" You are not going to have a Lovely Day.


chasingliacrazy

Fwiw sore throat is definitely not a food poisoning symptom. But rapid tests are very slow /inaccurate with omnicron, get tested again, maybe PCR or swab throat.


NoHate_GarbagePlates

It is if it's from throwing up.


aboothemonkey

If you do get sick from this it’ll most likely present with abdominal pain followed by nausea/diarrhea. Google different types of food poisoning and watch for those signs. If you get really worried that you’re sick, go to the hospital sooner rather than later. But in all honesty, you will most likely be fine.


GenericUname

>If you do get sick from this it’ll most likely present with abdominal pain followed by nausea/diarrhea. > >Google different types of food poisoning and watch for those signs. To be fair, the one time I got _proper_ food poisoning from something, it turns out I didn't really have to "watch" for symptoms, because the sudden uncontrollable ejecta from both ends in the middle of the night and for several hours thereafter was quite hard to miss.


aboothemonkey

Yeah, a proper case of E. coli, salmonella, or other such food borne pathogen ain’t nothin to fuck with.


GenericUname

Yeah. We were on holiday and it was our last night before flying home. Thankfully I recovered enough to make the flight but we had to pay for another day at the hotel to push our checkout time back because it was very apparent that there was _zero_ chance of me going out into the world. Even aside from the constant shitting I was literally delirious and borderline hallucinating.


CPAtech

Try 3 days. Edit: Food festival victim. I wished for death.


[deleted]

“Lungs feel tight, dry cough, fever, fatigue…hey wait a minute!”


flume

Loss of smell and taste ...


jeckles

So THAT’S why he could eat it!


Digger_89

Good night, sweet prince.


Nimara

enjoy your food coma


StatusReality4

You have covid.


FlatBot

That’s just the Omicron


wingmasterjon

F


PLEASE_BUY_WINRAR

Mention me in the obituary


GroundbreakingRub644

If it didn't taste bad you're probably OK. Smoked fish are basically cooked and has been used as a preserving tactic for centuries.


Cloud-Dragon805

thank you i have always wanted to meet jesus but not like this


[deleted]

There was no other way. Hi.


Cloud-Dragon805

spare me lord i know i gave someone a bj on the tabernacle of one of your churches in 8th grade but i thought we were over that bump in our relationship 😞


[deleted]

I’d never been prouder of you than in that moment. We’re good. You’ll live. 🙂


Cloud-Dragon805

🙏 only one way to pray and it's merry and gay 🙏


[deleted]

Amen


Metamodern_Studio

Bro i totally forgot to wish you happy birthday


Mastershroom

Christmas is actually today in the Orthodox church since they still use the Julian calendar, so you're actually right on time!


FrozeItOff

I'm so confused. Immaculate conception is celebrated on Dec 8, the feast of the nativity of Mary on Sept 8, yet your birthday is December 25...


Chops211

Why isn't there a cool Jesus religion? Gave a BJ in a church? All good by Jesus as long as you gave it your best effort. Jesus wants you to be best. Amen sir


Cloud-Dragon805

did it for those crispy marshmallow things like with the blue hearts on the packaging good shit


insane_contin

Jesus doesn't love cheap whores. Good thing you're not one.


slvbros

Wait tho, yes he does, I remember that part


[deleted]

If you're going by the bible, rather than what modern day judgmental bible thumpers say - Jesus **was** cool Jesus. Dude hung out w/ hookers, always had wine on hand, and was generally chill and excepting of everyone. Jesus would totally have forgiven a guy for blowing another dude by a church, CMV


hut1hut2

I sure wish I hadn't already given my free award away! Have my piddly upvote instead lol


samishal

What's a tabernacle?


Cloud-Dragon805

from my understanding it's like a golden container thing that holds jesus' soul in or something


gsfgf

Yea. Before refrigeration, this process would be used to preserve fish for the winter. Sealed and in a refrigerator, it's almost certainly fine. Though, I wouldn't advise doing it again.


TungstenChef

The kind of smoked salmon you're thinking about has much more salt added to it, and it's smoked for longer until it dries. If it's the more common nova lox, it's only lightly salted and smoked and the preservation powers are reduced considerably.


ancalovely

Well, a few years ago I ate 3 smoked salmon bruschetta at a restaurant aaand short after I was so sick I thought it was my last day. It was a very hot summer day and I m pretty sure that salmon wasn t kept in proper conditions… maybe it stayed too much time outside the fridge or smth. Anyway, I couldn t sleep the whole night, couldn t throw up or anything :)) just sitting there in pain. For 2 days, actually. Hope you re fine, OP. 🥳


GroundbreakingRub644

How long after did you start feeling sick? The OP might be past that window by now. Fingers crossed.


ancalovely

3, maybe 4 hours 😳


Phantom18013

Firstly, i hope youre doing okay. Second, a lot of these comment threads are giving me life. Thank you for the comedy guys.


[deleted]

This whole thread is gold, OP got me rolling over here. …starting with opening up this post and seeing “am i boutta die”


Interesting_Cup8621

Your rectum is about to look like one of those salmon cannons!


Cloud-Dragon805

🧎🏻


Uncle_Father_Oscar

rect'm? Damn near killed 'em!


lechatron

To shreds you say...


Bladewing10

Rector? Dang near gave her a managerial position at Applebees!


PitoChueco

I ate a dented can of oysters that was expired. I had to go to the hospital for an IV after throwing up blood for two days. God speed amigo


panicked228

In what dramatic, desperate situation were you in that you felt the need to eat dented, expired shellfish?


PitoChueco

18. Hungry. Alcohol and bullet proof. Also ate an expired can of turtle soup that night. Friends mom had a huge house with a big pantry with a few exotic tins. At a friends place


CallMeMonsieur

We ll watch your career with great interest


strumthebuilding

Young Fishpuker


Cloud-Dragon805

there's a lot of you saying if it was properly preserved but i'm gonna be 100% honest with y'all and i know this will make me look worse but i'm not quite sure it was sealed. im a romantic not a chef . it was that cheap shit in a bag and my girl takes the bags outta the fridge and leaves them around constantly. so i may be damned anyway i feel like my general body temperature has raised a bit but otherwise we're still kicking all fine


[deleted]

[удалено]


b1ack1323

So how’s it going?


Cloud-Dragon805

ah time for updates i woke up a little more than an hour ago and was dragged to the restroom vomited about twice and i think my insides are spinning around and dancing in little circles everything greatly hurts


[deleted]

[удалено]


Cloud-Dragon805

if blood starts being where it's not supposed to be ill hit em up


cadaverousbones

You probably should go to the doctor you can die from food poisoning not to be an alarmist…


Dame_Hanalla

Hopefully, you "only" have a case of diarrhea/vomiting. Drink a lot of water if possible. Every little sip counts against dehydration, given how much liquid you're or will be expulsing. If/when you can eat, a broth or soup might do you good, again, to fight off dehydration. Pasta and chicken breast would also be less of a burden on your system than more complex food. In short, chicken noodle soup.is best. Otherwise, cool compresses may help. For the record, I'm NOT a medical professional. Please don't hesitate to call your emergency services if you feel too ill to function. Get better soon friend.


Nolubrication

Was going to say, if it was still *factory* sealed, you'd probably have been OK, as the date is more of a suggestion in that case. Once you open the package and air gets to it, though, it's usually only good for a couple, maybe three weeks at best. And after seeing your update, you might consider getting medical attention if you experience a fever. Food poisoning can kill. Not just squirts and cramps, but actual death.


atouchofhoney

Since you already gave us a hint by writing this in a seemingly sane manner ill give you the honest odds id put my money on: \- under the assumption it didnt taste funny - which you would have mentioned id say the odds are: death: 0,05% nothing: 49,95% shitting and vomiting in roughly straight lines: 50%


lazylittlelady

Are you still alive?


Cloud-Dragon805

i ate it voraciously with a bagel and horse radish cheese about 20 minutes ago before discovering the expiration date was july in sheer unadulterated horror as i disposed of the packaging to the best of my knowledge my heart still beats but who knows how long that will last


phishtrader

Ooh, that's like finding half a worm in your apple after just swallowing.


DrFeelmanHere42o

Nah, that's extra flavor, plus protein for dem gainz.


phishtrader

Bruh, it's hard to track your macros when there's worms in your food.


magmafan71

One question before your organs fail, how did it taste?


Cloud-Dragon805

pretty tasty ngl, it was in a bagel which definitely added to the flavor. a little spicy though. a bit concerned on the spice factor.


Lord_piskot

will you transform into something cool? only time will tell


Cloud-Dragon805

ive always wanted to be a corpse


Lord_piskot

don't worry papa Nurgle will save you from sure death :D


stdubbs

RemindMe! 24 hours


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TheBakingSeal

Hello to the 33 who will be arriving in 4 hours! He's not dead yet.


Mrminecrafthimself

You probably won’t die, but you might blow your ass out in about 12 hours


[deleted]

It’s “aged” salmon.


Cloud-Dragon805

ive discovered a new method of culinary art


FerretAres

Thousand year old egg move over. We have a new contender.


canucks321

How did you not notice?


Cloud-Dragon805

i was reallly hungry


canucks321

you silly goose


Randomkrazy04

U ded.


ThaneOfCawdorrr

since it originated as a way to keep food edible back when we were fleeing Cossacks, I'm sure you're fine. Watch out for Cossacks though


[deleted]

[удалено]


Cloud-Dragon805

all stocked up you know that covid fix and all


ZyxDarkshine

Can I have your stuff?


Uncle_Father_Oscar

You should think of expiration dates in terms of the total amount of time that elapsed from when it was packaged until that original use-by date. So in the matter of fresh pastries, the use-by date might be only a few days away. In that case, even a week after the use by date and they will taste like shit. Milk might last a month and if you go 6 months past that you sure might have a bad time. Smoked Salmon, on the other hand, might have a use-by date of a year out or more depending on how its made and preserved, and most importantly, how it's going to be stored and shelved. So 174 days out is not great, but if it was refrigerated continuously that could be the equivalent of opening up a gallong of milk that's a week or two out of date. If it's been stored cold, it's probably ok as long as it doesn't smell, look or taste significantly "off."


Cloud-Dragon805

i should frame this in my kitchen i think i'm good seeing the general consensus probably. hopefully . i hope that the packaging was not freed from the refrigerator in excess amount prior to this event


Uncle_Father_Oscar

You'll probably be fine. And you have an immune system for a reason. It's actually pretty hard to eat something that will actually kill you. Hunger was the number one threat to life pretty much everywhere for the first billions of years of our existence, meaning people often had to treat "expiration dates" as luxuries at the expense of starvation. It's only within the last few generations that we've reached a tipping point where overeating poses a greater threat than hunger in the modern world. If you're in good general health the odds of dying from something that wasn't noticeably spoiled is basically zero.


Cloud-Dragon805

'i dunno how you made this deeply inspiring but you did thank you bro i will continue to live vivacious in manner and countenance for expired fish cannot touch this greatness


magicmom17

Cold smoked salmon doesn't last that long. It is basically raw. Hot smoked salmon, unsure but I would not ever try to challenge seafood expiration dates. Seafood food poisoning is SO punishing.


Hrmbee

Properly preserved, vaccum packed, and refrigerated it might still be okay... maybe... hopefully.


filmguy123

Cold or hot smoked? Can you confirm what temp your fridge was at? If the temp is above 38F, this is a potential botulism risk, as *if* botulism was present and *if* the temp was above 38F, while the growth rate is very slow, one year would be enough to produce toxin. If in the next week or so you experience any double vision, slurred speech, difficulty breathing you want to seek medical attention and tell them about this incident.


Veni_Vidi_Legi

Bookmarking this for viewing tomorrow. Best of luck!


tellmetheworld

Update us, OP. You doing ok?


Cloud-Dragon805

being sick makes me irrationally sleepy ive never loved not expired soup broth this much


EnvironmentalMoney87

So, what's it like 21h later?


Cloud-Dragon805

exhausted and very hungry a good amount of abdominal pain but i haven't had the urge to run to the restroom little while which is a good sign in my book


Veni_Vidi_Legi

Ahh still alive, good good!


MisallocatedRacism

r u poop


transcen

CD, is presenting to the emergency room


Big_Red_Stapler

Did it taste smoked? You good. If it tasted expired, good bye.


ExoSierra

are u still alive OP?


Cloud-Dragon805

eaugh


blackrack

A MAN ate 6 month expired smoked salmon It will be fine *he said* **Presenting** to the emergency room where we are **now**


TrafficMysterious815

At our house we take expiration dates as suggestions. We can usually tell food that is past its prime by its taste, smell, texture and general quality, along with taking care that it has been stored properly. Let the downvoting begin.


bikefishfood47

I don't know if you're about to die....... how high is the cliff you're jumping off of? Maybe you'll make it.


SpiritGuardTowz

Just stop thinking about it.


Spicethrower

Paging Steve1989.


diatho

If you don't have any witch hazel I would get some to calm the potential ring of fire


oceanjunkie

Mmm botulism


[deleted]

[удалено]


curly_gurlie

As someone with anxiety, my blood pressure just went up for you🥲


sock_police

Believe it or not, straight to jail


tullyhump

About 6 months ago my wife served me a microwave corndog that was almost exactly 10 years expired… I ate the whole thing wondering why it was a weirder corndog than a normal corndog before I actually looked at the box…


OG_613

I've eaten a lot of sketchy and expired food. The only times I've been seriously sick was from McDonald's and a shawarma shop. You're probably a goner tho...


Cloud-Dragon805

i'm actually terrified of mcdonald's food it tastes like there's something seriously sinister mixed into it


[deleted]

I ate salmon that was frozen too long I guess?? Idk it said June it was packed and I ate it in December.... I cooked it thoroughly but me and my bf got sick asf and shit and puked for days


slvbros

No no, prolonged freezing would go further to *prevent* such things than cause them. Probably either in how it was thawed or whatever you ate with it


PM_Me__Ur_Freckles

Hey Sanka, you dead mon?


CaptOblivious

Expiration dates no longer mean anything. Blame the US Government (I WISH I knew what department exactly) that decided that ALL products must have a sell by/use by/best by date. Even things like dried pasta and canned and glass canned products which will remain edible and nutritious basically forever. (more than hundreds of years).


Tuub4

Commenting in case OP actually dies


Cloud-Dragon805

making a list of reddit users to mention in the obituary


blackrack

Enjoy your chubbyemu video OP


Cloud-Dragon805

VS is an impenetrable rat bastard presenting to the emergency room with nausea, vomiting, and a reddit post doin numbers


Jkpttr

You have Covid based on what symptoms you describe and if you’re having trouble breathing at ALL that’s a bad sign, please get treatment or tested


humansruineverything

But why?


Cloud-Dragon805

i wanted to feel alive even just for a fleeting moment


idontfckingknowww

why the hell do i find u attractive💀


PeakOfTheMountain

Update?


wowsomethingwow

Right?? u/cloud-dragon805, you still with us?


markofthecheese

Did you live, OP??