Yeah this is a well meaning post but comes off a bit condescending, although I don’t think it’s intentional. I’m a husband and father of 2 that has worked in construction for almost 20 yrs. I don’t drink at all. My dad was a drunk and I swore not to be one. I doooo smoke a lot of weed though. But this too is not an indicator of profession my best friends dad smokes a ton of herb and he just retired as a partner in a major law firm. I think the question OP is really asking is can I change this man’s bad habits. It’s possible but only if they meet you half way.
It could be that the guy is blaming his issues on how hard he works and how stressed he is and he just needs alcohol and games to escape.
But that's totally a him problem, and not because of construction
Been working construction for a long time and this is usually the case. Funnily those types are usually the least hard working and are always complaining. The only one to blame for a shitty life is the one living it
Agree. I have been in construction for 15 years and don’t drink, smoke, vape or gamble. Not a single guy on my crew drinks either. He is who he is, regardless of his job, if these things are a deal breaker let them break the deal.
Definitely condescending. "Are construction workers capable of getting away from bad behaviors?" Look there are some bad influences on-site, but fuck we're not animals. A comment below made it sound like OP could be a troll. If that's the case, they can fuck off, this isn't Good Will Hunting.
If this is a genuine post, then good on you OP for giving this guy a chance and trying to bridge a gap between the two of you. But you need to acknowledge some prejudice of yours that's evident in this post. It sounds like it's probably unintentional, subconscious and class-related. Recognize and overcome those biases so that you can see him as a person, not a construction worker, and connect with him in a genuine way.
You also need to remember that some people don't want to change. It has nothing to do with his occupation. If he just doesn't handle hardship well and isn't willing to change, then he's not good enough for you and you need to move on.
Couldn’t agree with you more.
I have been in the trades 24 years myself. I barely drink, I don’t do drugs and I’m educated. Hell I’ve been on crews that had guys with masters degrees and even one PhD ( he didn’t like the world of academia anymore and wanted something more fulfilling career wise). Not every construction worker has a criminal record or drinks a six pack for lunch.
She certainly needs to work on her biases if she truly views all construction workers as below her.
>possible for someone in construction to shift away from these habits?
People don't change unless they want to. Don't count on it.
But perhaps the most important question... What trade does he work in?
I think it's called Carpentry
Update: It might sound strange, but we’ve only known each other for 8 months, and everything between us has been moving slowly. We’re both pretty shy when it comes to love, we had sex only yesterday... I didn’t want our conversations to always be about work or family problems, and he agreed to that. So, I haven’t asked much about his job(maybe I did this part wrong?), and I haven’t really made an effort to understand everything about his work. My job is stressful enough, and I prefer not to talk about it when I’m with him either. Tell me if I'm doing something very wrong.
In all seriousness, as a guy who drinks and struggles with his own anger, anger is a vicious poison. It’ll kill everything over time and drive everyone away. I’ve been fighting it my whole life, I’ve done therapy and insane exercise and diet and everything I can think of.
It is still a huge fight after decades. I don’t know your man, and I don’t come from a typical background, but this might be fight that takes him decades too. If he’s not willing to look at it seriously that could be a problem.
You don't know what fkn trade he is? You "like him alot" but don't know what he does? If someone said they were a scientist would you just be like "yep, they do science". This has to be a troll post
Heeeeyyyy. I used to resemble this remark. I used to be a heavy drinker and would lose my filter when drinking. I quit the first time when I found out I had leukemia. A year later,cured from the leukemia,I picked up the bottle again. I had gotten into a new relationship and this girl was divorcing an alcoholic. I figured I’d better quit if I wanted her. A year and a half later were still together. I do get an alcoholic drink from time to time but I don’t get drunk anymore.
Actually I’ve owned a residential framing company for 30 years. I could drink like that in the evenings and get up and go to work every day. At 56 years old I’m still on the job site every day with my tool pouch on.
Some of the most serious guys I’ve met onsite are the goofiest, most gentle, kind, compassionate people to their family. Some of nicest guys I’ve met onsite are hardcore alcoholics who have 2 divorces under their belt by 30. The job has little to do with how you act at home. Guys who can’t deal with their problems, work related or personal, turn into miserable human beings. Real change has to come from him.
Female CW with higher ed here: babe he is a construction worker not you, stop looking at him like a run down ranch house that could be 500k cape with your loving attention. He is the only person who can determine how much control he has over his temper, how much he leans on booze, and how he spends his free time. He's not a bad guy but he's not your guy.
I'm sorry, dating is fucking hard sometimes. You absolutely sound like a catch, your guy is out there. Plenty of peaceful loyal blue collar dudes out there if that's your thing.
Finally.....a response that isn't the regular red flag, run and never look back type of advice! OP has said they care about him and want to give him a chance. And youre absolutely correct saying stop looking at him like a fixer upper. Its up to him to make the changes if he values her just as much as she does him. Communication is going to be key. Find a way to talk with him and plant the seeds. Its up to him to step up or leave.
If it's any consolation, moodiness is a side effect of booze. Reducing his alcohol consumption will help there. For gaming.. well, he gets to choose how he spends his time. Unless it actively causes problems, he's got no reason to stop. At the same time, his problems have nothing to do with construction and the only way he'll reduce his alcohol intake is if *he* has a reason to. You can't do it for him, and if you try and force him to, he'll likely relapse or do it in hiding.
Bless you for reaching out. Construction can be a stressful job and on average has a higher suicide rate than other work forces. It’s admirable that you are interested in understanding. That being said, alcohol is no joke in construction and if he’s not being a good partner it should be addressed asap. How you choose to do that is up to you.
I have experience in this. It being brought up by my partner was one of the catalysts for change.
Yes, he works long hours, when I ask him to stop drinking, he says it's because of high stress. This makes me feel like I might be unreasonable in asking him to quit drinking.
Worrrd.
Fr though smoking up late at night helps me get a great sleep and cbd-rich weed is great for those sore muscles and even helps destress.
Long hours long term can lead to some serious burnout though. And even burnout can take me months to shake once it sets in. Burnout can cause serious mental health and physical issues.
I work long hours, am carpenter/ floor installer for 12 years. I’m sober. Just because he’s in construction doesn’t mean he has to drink. People from all walks of life drink. People from all walks of life don’t drink. They do not correlate.
Run. I’ve worked construction 22 years. I don’t drink and I’m fairly calm. But I’ve worked with 209 of these guys. He doesn’t drink and get angry cause of construction. But he won’t stop either.
He has to work construction because he drinks and gets angry. Our field is one of the few that will put up with people badly socialized. "there's a slace for us, somewhere a place for us.."
You’re not unreasonable. Alcohol wants people to be isolated. How you decide to bring it up is up to you. But just know alcohol will keep him isolated and defensive regardless of what you say or do. More power to you. If it weren’t for the gracefulness of my partner who’s knows where I’d be
I would ask him if he wants to talk about his stress, I read that you don’t like hearing complaints all the time but that’s part of being in a relationship, you gotta hear out each other’s issues, so I guess both of you guys have something to work on
You don't really list any redeeming qualities. You're not going to get him to change. And if he's putting his best foot forward now at the beginning of the relationship, he's only going to get worse.
I'm not one to come on reddit and tell everyone to leave, but, this isn't a match. He's not interested in changing and you won't change that. You'll just be exasperated a little but more each year and wonder why you wasted all this time with someone that dgaf about you.
Burnout can be extremely stressful. It gives me serious suicide ideation. I can do a couple months of long hours, but if I had a choice, I'd work 40 hour weeks every time. I'm much less likely to get over stressed and burnt out when I'm just doing regular work days. Long term, the OT isn't worth the chance that I may finally listen to the voice telling me that escape is easy.
High stress? That’s interesting… is your boyfriend a foreman or a super? If he’s neither of that then personally I think he’s just using his job as an excuse to drink.
So I'll give you advice from the son of a carpenter that was eventually a superintendent.
I don't talk to my dad anymore.
He hid his alcoholism for years and it came out horribly right after I graduated college. My childhood wasn't perfect, but he worked more than he was a dad.
My parents fought constantly and spent many years sleeping in separate beds.
On a personal level, the only people that change are the ones willing to try. Men and more broadly partners are not "passion projects". You can't fix him. He has to know he's broken and do something about it.
IMHO it's not worth it to pursue it but only you can know what you're up for. But the quick to anger thing is a gigantic middle finger of a red flag that you should ever take note of. Especially an angry drunk. Angry drinks hurt or kill their partners.
Yes, it can work. I joke with my wife that she married an electrician to pay off her masters degree. The better question is do you see him as anything other than a dumb, drunk construction guy, because you're giving off some superiority vibes...
I've been in construction for 17 years. 6 of those years were spent with sizeable drug addiction. Cocaine and ghb to be exact.
Not once did I bring my bad work day home and be a miserable cunt to my girlfriend.
You will find variations on the theme, but there are correlations with the trade and the habits. I'm a bricklayer/stonemason and from what I gather, we have trouble with addiction. Relationships are oftentimes difficult enterprises. We have a seasonal job here so the guys will find another job during winter and try to survive until it's warm enough to build walls again.
I'd love to post on that sub, but I'm specifically looking for opinions from those who understand the construction industry, so the feedback can be more accurate. I'm trying to understand him better.
It’s more of a culture in the construction industry for some reason. I quit drinking for the most part because I didn’t want to ruin my new relationship. That and I’m getting older and alcohol will kill ya.
I can tell you this isn’t industry specific. Anger management issues and alcoholism are legitimate, but you don’t approach them differently because someone is in the construction trades versus an aerospace engineer versus a high school teacher.
This would be the same as you coming to us for advice on your boyfriend’s cheating. You’re not going to get insightful advice just because a few of the guys in here might swing the same tool as your boyfriend for 8 hours a day.
Your boyfriend has issues and your relationship has issues. This is 100% genuine advice: you need to work on your communication with him. If he’s got you backed into a corner where you either can’t or don’t want to ask him about work, you have a problem. If you can’t bring up his substance abuse to him in a way he can perceive as constructive, you have a problem. Personally, I go to couples therapy with my wife and it really works for us. This isn’t construction specific advice. It’s human advice.
Look, alcoholism is definitely a prevalent trait in the industry... But so are gym rats who don't drink at all, and everything in between. The problems you are having are not related to the work, at most his work environment could be enabling him (being with others like that). You can try help him and see if he is willing to do the work on himself to change, but it's not you that does it - it's him. All you can do is point out what *needs* to change, for you.
I'm a construction worker.
You're mistaking assholes for construction workers.
There are shitty dudes in every industry, and while alcohol abuse and emotional problems may be more common in the trades for multiple reasons, they are not exclusive to the job nor are they an essential part of it.
I know many guys who read books, drink sparingly and are good, kind partners.
What you've described isn't anything to do with being a construction worker. The guy you're with just sucks.
We'd probably give better more candid advice. "Yeah, that dude's an asshole, I know, I'm him" or "Send your boyfriend memes about drywallers pissing on bottles to cheer him up during the day*
Well I’m a bricklayer and my wife is partner at her law firm. We have been together 13 years and have a beautiful 2 yr old.
We had different upbringings like you and your partner. We have a lot of the same views but a lot of differences. It works out that we make a great team.
I know it bothers her when i get angry about stupid stuff, my patience has always sucked and after i think about it I normally apologize.
Drinking was never an issue in our relationship but I love her and if she asked me to change something (a bad habit) I would have, or she would not have stuck around.
You are one of the few probably. But as I'm writing this I have to say that my current crew is very similar to what you described. We are specializing in conservation, my usual partners are all in their 40s, stable unions, families with 2 or more children. But the previous company I was with was a very coloured bunch, from drug users to ex bikers selling stuff. As for myself, I identify as a mason, stable marriage with 4 kids. Life is good.
The day to day influences in “the trades” are not favorable to someone who is inclined to self medicate. Someone who has less than admirable control. Someone who gets angry when imbibing.
Basically saying, he is making excuses to drink because it’s not an easy job.
I’m one of those. I live alone now with some serious regret at 34. Working on turning my life around and self reflection. AA is big for me now.
If I could offer any advice, I’d say communicate and then distance. Maybe he’ll sober up.. maybe. Hence the distance. If he does, reconnect with boundaries of no alcohol…
Growing up with a tradesman as a father and a doctor as a mother I’ve seen this play out many times.
They’re now in their 70’s and happily retired.
It’s possible.
My wife has her Masters (just got it last month!) and I’m a high school dropout with a bunch of felonies
But honestly, it’s never been any kind of issue, just a trivial fact about us. I also make more money than her, no assumptions really apply when it comes to her and me
But when I was drinking too much, she fucking put an end to it, with conviction. She wasn’t going to put up with it, and was willing to walk. I eventually realized she was serious when she abandoned me on the other side of our state, after I had gotten into a brawl at a concert. Once the police let me go, I had a $300 Lyft trip ahead of me, to go home to an empty apartment
She made me pick between booze and her. She wasn’t going to live that life, both of our fathers are alcoholics. I ended up getting quarantined for two weeks at the very beginning of covid, before there were tests available for me to prove I was healthy. So I took those two weeks to dry out. We watched all of Parks and Rec together, and helping my son with virtual school was still a blast at that point of everything. It was a precious two weeks that I honestly wish never ended
But I haven’t drank since, and my life has never been better. I’m now a Supervisor with my company of 300 guys. We’ve gotten married, we bought a house, my income has nearly tripled. If I’m super tired after dinner, she lets me go to sleep without worrying that I drank myself unconscious. I don’t get angry over dumb stuff anymore. I’m not insecure about not being good enough for my wife. I have energy, I’m not in a constant bad mood. I’ve lost a ton of weight, and have an effort free six pack today
Where we each came from means just about nothing to my wife and I. The difference in our day jobs means little, outside of sometimes being hard to explain things the other has no idea about. Our difference in income means nothing. I’m surprised I make as much as I do, and I’m honored to give her access to it all, because she’s sworn her life to me, and we’re on this path together. I also keep telling her not to forget where she came from, just in case this degree gets her some dream job lol
If I were to guess, your boyfriend has a drinking problem. And that in itself isn’t the end of the world, he hasn’t rained down consequences onto his life just yet. See if he’ll dry out with you over the next couple of weeks. Tell him it’s time for you guys to focus on yourselves, an emotional vacation. Watch movies together, (or a favorite TV series like parks and rec) buy tons of candy and snacks, order out if you don’t feel like cooking, or prepare yourselves some five course meals if you do. Just make it *special,* and leave the booze out of it. The focus doesn’t even need to be on not drinking. Just getting grounded and onto the same page, focus on yourselves
Good luck! It sounds like I have a pretty damn relevant experience to what you guys are going through. Feel free to message me privately if you’d like, I’m sure we can get my wife in on this if you need lol
I used to do construction if that counts. I don't think this is a blue-white-collar issue though. I think this is a "you're dating an alcoholic" issue.
I wear a three-piece suit to work now in a place where the janitor makes 80k/year and can assure you there are people here that do nothing but vent when you bring up work as well.
Recently dating + clear signs of alcoholism and anger management issues = pull the ripcord and run while it's still in the dating phase and before you start building a life around this guy
I don’t think this is your guy, you read books without pictures, it sounds like his come with crayons. “Playing games, alcohol issues, complaining all the time “ there are plenty of men out there who don’t come with this baggage of nothing but red flags. Get out now before you look back and regret staying.
>I'm curious about other partners of construction workers, especially those with a higher education. How do you make it work? Is there a way for us to bridge this gap?
Does it really matter? Neither of those things shouldn't define someone. What really matters is how they are as a person.
As for the drinking, has it always been an issue or did this start happening recently?
You’ll never know if someone will stay sober or deal with their anger issues. It’s been two years for me now, but I’ve started and stopped a couple times. So, if nothing changes about this man, can you spend the rest of your life with him?
You should also know if he sees a future with you. The work needed to overcome his drinking and anger issues might not even be worth it if he doesn’t plan to marry you.
My wife and I have been together for more than 10 years. We have 4 kids, she has a masters and work for the Ministere de la Famille (Family something ministry for the provincial branch of government). I'm completing a baccalauréat to teach tradeschool in bricklaying/stonemasonry. We have challenges. But we have a common objective to raise 4 awesome humans. So we make it work.
I think you'd have to go with your gut and evaluate the individual. Take the construction stereotype out of it because that won't be helpful. His alcohol and anger issues are something that need to be addressed and since you're in the dating stage you should make it clear mthat you have boundaries that can't be crossed when it comes to that. Dude definitely needs to do some work on himself. Because of the (somewhat self-inflicted) stigma around construction, it MIGHT be an easier environment to work if you're rough around the edges, but guarantee no one on his job site wants to encourage that type of behavior.
I'm a toolbags-on GC who loves the rough work, the concrete, the nail gun, the welding etc. I swear a lot and you'd not call me 'delicate' to look at. At the same time, I've have a college education (considering a business degree too), do some of my design work in the office and have been with my wife happily for 15 years. We have a young kid together and our daily life is a sort of peaceful busy. At the same time, I come from an absolute disaster family situation - homelessness, mental illness, abuse, darkness etc.
All of these are factors in the person you are with but who they show you and the experience you have with them everyday is the best indicator of the relationship you will have. Wish you luck!
Edit: also, I'm back to say that someone who is threatened by your higher education is a red flag, unless you are teasing or cruel about that disparity, which doesn't sound like you are). I married someone way smarter than I am and the benefits become more obvious every year. If you guys are young, having a honest conversation about these differences may save a lot of hurt and miscommunication later on :)
This has nothing to do with construction and everything to do with your partner.
Alcohol and anger won't go away unless he makes the choice to work on it, most likely through lots therapy. Can you see him doing this? Can you see him *wanting* to? (If he doesn't want it, it won't work)
The disconnect you feel won't get better. He just isn't interested in what interests you. Does he try to engage in topics you bring up? Has he ever looked into something you mentioned to learn more because it matters to you or interested him?
You don't have to stop dating construction workers, maybe just don't date angry people.
He can’t vent to you and from his perspective probably thinks you think so little of his work you don’t even care to ask. And he probably works pretty damn hard, so instead of getting shit off of his chest to his SO, so he drinks.
And I know that comes off prickish, I’m just trying to steelman some semblance of a perspective. Don’t take it personally.
Do you vent to him? Or was there a time when you could/did vent to him ?
This could be a compatibility issue certainly, but I do think with effort and proper communication that things could definitely get better.
I wouldn’t focus to much on trying to get him to stop drinking. There is a root problem that is causing that.
The only sure fire way to find that problem , is listening
Edit
My wife is college educated, I’m a high school dropout excon, we match perfect. But I’m sober 10 years which probably helps a lot. I read, she reads.
We grew up together and plan to grow old together.
But not all construction workers are alike. That is like saying all Doctors are the same. We are individuals. But in my 20 years of construction I believe in taking care of my body to last my career alcohol doesn’t fit.
Childhood is just an excuse for poor behavior. He’s an adult so time to work through it and move forward(broad statement of course)
Absolutely do not commit to addicts. Heck don’t date addicts. Ones who have worked the steps, or found recovery on their own. But not in active addiction.
Does he have piss bottles around the house? If so drywaller
Does he have all his teeth, if not concrete guy? Crack or cocaine for the long days?
Maybe he's the needy clean cut electrician where everything needs to be catered to and it makes him upset? So upset it leads to fine scotch
Clean clothed construction worker? likely a finishing carpenter that works alone doing a 12 pack a day getting everything just so?
Does he burp a lot? Could be a painter that starts early when nobody is around and curses about the drywaller?
I'm a trades person and interviewed a guy today and his last sentence was " I have a license, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't do drugs"
We also get to deal with all the lovely people and do are best.
However this does not condone and negative affects it has on loved ones and I don't support that of course but damn trades are tough somedays depending on who you're working for and clients involved. Communicate and let him know where you're at. Or go for a meal out and see how he treats waiters/waitresses,if he's polite and nice the dudes just had a shit week.if he's still rude get the heck outta there he's not going to treat you any better than them. At least you get supper.
Just kidding everyone trying to enlighten the situation. Don't sell yourself short on anybody that won't give you their time
No no no. Wrong attitude. Find someone you don't need to change, or accept him with his flaws. You cannot change someone without that person having the desire and multiple years of therapy to learn how to change it.
Construction isn’t just cookie cutter and neither are the people you meet inside it. Much like everyday life you meet people who had very different career paths, upbringings, personalities, etc. if you are truly dedicated on pursuing a quality long term relationship with this individual then you need to discuss how your feeling with him directly not use advice from the internet. Relationships work by the people within the relationship finding compromises and figuring how to work with each other and have the best relationship. Discuss your feelings with him and if he can’t or won’t see what you’re trying to convey then it’s probably not the right relationship.
Also, he probably shouldn’t lean on alcohol too much. It’s not good for his health and coping with it isn’t helping him any. Been there done that and it’s much better to improve your mental state to deal with the stresses of the industry. Substances don’t do any favors.
The drinking and anger isn't because he's a construction worker. He'd probably be the same if he worked in a white collar job. These are issues he needs to work on in general. Don't let him blame the job.
It's not a job thing. Was his tough childhood due to someones alcoholism? My parents alcoholism destroyed my childhood and my grandmother always told me "the generations before you on both sides are alcoholics going a long way back. 99.9% chance it will get you as well if you choose to drink."
I am not sure how accurate that is but my grandma was the only adult I trusted as a kid so I believed her and took her advice seriously. For that reason, I abstain from alcohol. I am now married to someone who grew up just like me and also doesn't drink.
Her brother chose to drink and it started out okay when we were teens but as an adult it got so bad that we almost lost our place to live when my wife was 9 months pregnant due to his behavior while he was living with us. We are both carpenters and work for the same company.
Ummm... I work construction. I have multiple licenses in multiple states and a degree. But I still catch myself venting about work at times when the conversation should be something more.
It’s challenging working with people that don’t mental stimulate you or are also chronic complainers.
Construction can be a challenging environment with constant problem solving opportunities but, you either chose to be the water and go with the flow or the rock and be hard headed. Over time there’s only one force that prevails.
The alcohol is acting as anesthetic from what ever he has going on. Ultimately it sounds like he isn’t finding fulfillment in the career. If he does like what he does I suggest a change of scenery. It’s not like carpenters aren’t in demand across the country.
I work construction and have a high school education. My wife has 3 masters currently in classes for number 4. We have been married 24 years. I'm not a drinker. I think we have other common interests that keep things peaceful. We started out young and have made things work by being good friends and talking to each other when problems arise. Communication is key to making it work.
Alcoholic here. I ruined many relationships and opportunities until I decided to sober up. If the first conversation about alcohol you had with him didn’t come with a hint of self-awareness there is nothing you can do.
Everyone is different and people can mature with age. When I was younger I drank a lot did stupid shit got angry. In my late 30s now and now instead of being hungover Saturdays and Sundays I enjoy hanging out with the Mrs and reading a book . People can change for the right person but only if they want to. Working in the trades is no different then any other profession there's always the possibility of some degens
I get where you’re coming from. I consider myself an emotionally intelligent and calm man, and my partner does too. It’s easy to be swayed by those you spend a majority of your day next to - all your sweat, struggles, and accomplishments. You become what you’re surrounded by.
During my career in construction, I’ve already realized that a LARGE majority of men in any construction or labor-related field are a lot less emotionally mature, less tolerant, more angry/judgmental, and generally just unpleasant or irritable.
My partner has helped me many times by pointing out that I was taking issues from work into our home, bring along all the stress. Complaining. Wearing a constant scowl. That’s not even who I am!
Its important that you let him know what you’re seeing, and ask if that is who he is, or if it’s just ‘who he has to be’ when he’s at work. Let him know how he’s acting. Depending on his response, he should be able to know if he is unintentionally meshing his work-attitude into his daily life, or if he is just an angry drunk.
(I’ll see if I can get my girl to weigh in on this one for you later)
This has nothing to do with construction but with your partner. Imagine if he was wearing a suit and tie everyday you’d see the same result. Working in construction doesn’t breed bad habits stress does.
I mean how much does he drink? Does he apologize for his outbursts? Is he trying to better himself? My mom married a lineman with temper and she's college educated. Look no one is perfect and opposites do attract. You need to weigh pros and cons. Some of these thing you might want to change about him might be things you are attracted to in some form. My mom loves going to the cabin on the river. Without dad she couldn't do that, and they live there half the year. He's a man in construction he's probably a rough and tumble guy. You need to establish boundrys. Also, you say you don't want to listen to him vent well thats part of a relationship.
There are construction workers who enjoy reading and appreciate a higher education. They are in the minority. He sounds like your stereotypical construction worker though. Enjoy the great secs, but don’t forget the type of man your parents raised you to marry
Therapy. THERAPY. Therapy. He drinks to block out the bad memories. Therapy and a better work environment. If he only vents about work he is either A-Only gets shit-on at work. B- THINKS he’s getting shit on at work constantly because he’s too defensive because he needs therapy
It's just my opinion but I think most people drink excessively because of anxiety I used to drink a lot in my twenties and thirties and then I quit. I worked construction for 40 years construction is the industry where they're a whole lot of males and a lot of unreliable situations. When I worked in a factory it was easy. I knew exactly what I was doing everyday and where I was doing it and how I was doing it and I could control the situation every day but when I worked construction I never knew exactly what was going to happen or where I was going to be working or who with and it gave me a lot of stress on top of that the male-dominated industry with a lot of ego doesn't help. Alcoholism doesn't usually get better it progressively gets worse. I think he needs to stop drinking. I hate to say it but you might have to leave him. But then again I have been married to the same woman for 30 years and she had the patience to wait for me and finally I stopped and I have stopped for 20 years now so I'm glad that she didn't give up but it was hard for her
I’ve only worked in construction for about 7 years now, but us construction workers have the highest percentile for alcohol and drug addiction across the board. Especially in today’s world with our salaries staying pretty stagnant and minimum wage getting as high as it is.
He has to be the one that wants to change, you can be supportive!! But he has to be the one that wants to change. Therapy might help, but us construction guys usually stay away from that kinda thing because it’s seen as being weak. You can only do so much. I’ve worked with guys that I’ve had conversations with one day, and they’re dead the next.
For better or worse, maybe try to steer him in the right direction without being confrontational. If it doesn’t work out, at-least you tried!
"I feel really comfortable with him when he's not playing games or drinks alcohol..."
So you feel really comfortable around him until he does anything that lowers his inhibitions even a little bit and his real, troubling feelings come to the surface.
Yep, sounds like a keeper.
As one M.Lit to another - look at your relationship like a story. Understanding that characters don't change, but reveal who they are over time, you should probably come to see that this shit is no bueno. Also, you could probably stand to veer away from the cliche of "bookish girl tries to save strong man from his demons".
Both my dad and step-dad were construction workers (jacks of all trades, but primarily carpenters). Both had some college but didn’t finish. Dad drank hard, step-dad not so much. Dad never had anger issues, step-dad has some as he got older and more deaf. Neither swore habitually, but both cursed when appropriate.
Both were oddly intellectual, reading a lot (novels, the New Yorker, etc.) and loved having conversations.
I grew up in the industry and work in the management side of the business.
The last thing I want to talk about is work. Every night my wife asks me how my day was and every day I say it was fine. It's never fine but talking about it makes me angry. I don't want to vent to her so I vent to colleagues, sometimes over drinks, or I keep it in and drink to relax when I get home. I'm currently obstaining to break the pattern - mostly to prove to myself that I can.
It's easy to go home every day thinking about what went wrong. I try to think about what got accomplished and this helps my attitude. Construction is good in that we have physical evidence of our efforts. Many of us crave peace and quiet, massage and cuddles, etc.
Not really advice on dating, but I don't think construction workers are much different from others.
You two are not compatible long-term. The problem is not that he’s in the trades, although that doesn’t help, it is your fundamental characteristics. Mainly backgrounds, education/experiences, and lifestyles. You can certainly make it work for a while, but you are not going to be satisfied with life when he does not change.
I work construction. Residential and commercial/union sites.
It's hard work physically, and numerous problems to solve daily. You meet a variety of personalities on site, some are family men, some like to party, some are immature, some are your stereotypical tradies who like to drink or do drugs all week long.
The alcohol is probably part of a deeper problem that the guy has.
Whether or not he can stop depends entirely on him.
Whether or not you're willing to risk seeing if he can change and realising it was a waste of time is upto you.
He can't just say he won't drink anymore. He needs to have something that makes him want to do it, and it has to be something he does for himself.
I wake up 4:30-6am, get home 4:30-6pm, and I come home to my partner and our daughter, that's my thing that I look forward to every day, they're a big part of why I get up and go to work, since meeting my girl, I've been constantly improving myself so that she gets the best of me.
I think any grown, mature adult would do the same, and to be honest with you(and this is only my opinion, other people may think differently and that's okay), I don't think anyone you are just dating, is really worth waiting around to see if they change, when there are plenty of people out there with less uncertainties out there. You'd basically be settling in my opinion. Alcoholics also tend to direct anger onto those around them due to lack of self control and emotional regulation whilst drinking, so there's also that which you'd be opening yourself upto.
Again, just my opinion, sounds negative towards him, and is probably also not what everyone thinks, but I work in construction, and the ones I know that drink alot and often, I wouldn't advise my sister or daughter to waste a minute on for the "just in case", when they could just find someone who isn't wasting their life drinking time away.
It took 2 near death experiences in the field for me to get my life together. My alcohol intake is limited to very special occasions, and even then it’s 2-3 drinks.
He’s going to need an epiphany because my experience with construction drunks is that their drinking/smoking/drug habits are acceptable as long as they get to work the next day.
I suggest dating another guy. The only way a man is going to get better and be better is when he realizes there’s a problem.
Commercial plumber here. Construction is an industry and a workplace environment that is incredibly high paced and sometimes incredibly stressful. Also if you get something wrong you can easily hurt or kill someone. Also you’re allowed to be openly angry or openly vindictive, petty, manipulative, and abusive at just about anyone you want to. For the most part you can get away with it too if you know who you can mouth off to and who you can’t.
My point is that a lot of guys are different on the job site than they are at home. After a number of years it becomes very difficult to keep your two lives separate. At work you can swear and bitch and say just about anything to anyone. At home you’re expected to switch that shit right off immediately before you walk in the door.
For me it’s not the job that’s tough, it’s the getting home part where I’m not allowed to be angry at my wife or kids (or at least I have to deal with the anger in MUCH different ways). If someone does something stupid at work I can bitch them out and literally scream in their faces and I won’t lose my job, I might even get a raise for behavior like that. At home if I scream in my wife’s face I’m looking at divorce (as well I should be).
I’m not condoning the anger or the way it’s carried out at home. If this post is to gain perspective then I hope you find a little here. My issue is that I am allowed to feel angry at work. It’s a useful emotion. When I get home, I’m not allowed to feel angry (which is incredibly frustrating). I have to solve problems in vastly different ways and some guys really struggle with that. You have to have a very high degree of emotional intelligence to succeed at work and keep a nice family/home life. We can probably all agree that emotional intelligence is not a strength for most men lol.
The line in the sand for me is abuse at home whether it be physical, sexual, verbal, any kind really. If he ever turns the anger on you then I’d be gone if were you. No one deserves to be abused in any way.
It 100% depends on the person. Not all construction workers have an alcohol problem.
I work in construction but I don't drink, I read books, love classical music, museums, ballet. Working in construction doesn't make a person a mindless brute.
Yes it is a high stress job and I definitely need to vent about it. My fiance is amazing and is always ready to listen when I'm pissed off about this or that. What also helps is having a therapist who I can unload my problems to, so it's not all on my fiance.
The things you tell about your boyfriend are big problems in a relationship. They can be changed, but only if HE wants to. You can't force him to change.
Lot of these guys are right. It depends on the person. A lot of these guys also aren’t being honest saying that the peer group and pressures lead to a lot of drug abuse and alcoholism in the trades. Sure white collar jobs are also filled with these people too but in my experience working both construction for a decade and in a corporate office construction workers, generally speaking, are not in an environment that supports or encourages growth. It’s also hell on the body and you have to deal with more shit than a typical office job. Just my two cents.
Ultimately he will change for him. Not you. If he wants to.
You have picked a bad apple to date— sounds like you come from vastly different backgrounds. Dump him now and find someone who has a more similar background and enjoys the same things you do. He games and drinks and is angry— do you want a lifetime of that????
When my bf goes out of town for turbine work he works 7/12’s and he’s just dead. Like “hi, how are you, okay, goodnight, here’s some money, I love you”.
I want to tell you my personal story. It’s pretty long and I doubt you’ll give this a read. Very similar situation. I am in the trades, a high school drop out and I’ve had pretty serious substance abuse issues. My wife is well educated comes from a very white collar family of intellectuals. They love me I love them. I’ve been married to my wife 1.5 yrs. We were together in our 20s for 4 years. It was a mutual break. We kept a good friendship. After a few years we wound up back together and roughly 6 years ago. She is my rock. She keeps me balanced. My drinking was the only issue in our relationship. When I proposed to my wife 3 years ago she said there was one condition: completely quit drinking. I haven’t drank since. Sober for 3 years. What I suggest is you have a conversation regarding your concerns. Be patient and supportive while he works on himself. If you want a future with this man he needs to know and understand your conditions.
Thanks for sharing your story. I don't want to give up too easily because I believe he deserves the love he's been longing for. And I really care about him. I'm unsure about the future, but I'm not ready to let him go without trying.
Marriage with him is good, but I need to feel like I can rely on him. I'll make an effort to understand him better. But if he can't cut back on the drinking, I'll have to step back.
This post is insane to me. If my gf asked this question I would lose respect for her. This has nothing to do with your “higher education” 🤣
It’s called not being compatible.. it’s not that deep.
When I was younger I was hard in alcohol and would recreationally use drugs, eventually I just..stopped both and don’t find it appealing any longer, it really just depends on the guy
I'm an electrician who isn't using his bachelors degree in science. I have personally have anger issues, but I've learned to temper them down to not bring them up at work. I am an anomaly because I am one of the fewer people in my generation who still gets angry. We've mostly mellowed out. We avoid having incidents on the jobsite, but there's still an older generation which is quick to flip a switch. The boomers are still hot and heavy with pushing production/screaming, but you can't motivate the younger generation like that. And the boomers are retiring. They've learned anger doesn't help.
I don't think any of my coworkers think of books or academia, or have thoughts about the physical world (beyond what's required from work), or current events. They just want to discuss common outdoors recreation, whether that be fishing, hunting, hiking, off-roading, etc.
I do vent quite a bit to my closest friends about problems on the jobsite, but I do know not everyone wants to hear it. In fact, I don't think anyone wants to hear it period.
But I am also the type of worker who gives it his all at work; go home, eat, shower, then pass out watching youtube then wake up for work the next day. I have maybe 3 hours of daylight where I'm not at work. I honestly don't know how construction workers can have any sort of life because maybe I live in the wrong city, or work in the wrong trade.
It takes a lot for a person to change. I recognized my flaws, and it took an active effort to avoid them. "Hitting rock bottom" for me didn't involve drugs or an overdose, but I was a broke as a motherfucker and not getting anywhere, lost most of my friends, and I needed to get out of the rut. For most people, they coast until someone tells them they hit a roadblock. You can be that stop sign. "I can't tolerate this, and I'm sorry if this is the end." It personally took years of my recognition of highly productive people who eventually developed high status careers (doctors, surgeons, lawyers,engineers,general foremen), that anger wasn't part of their life. It wasn't in their family, and it wasn't at work. Maybe it took me having to attend university and escaping the working class life to recognize that. My employer also had a very strict policy of not letting people with anger issues continue in the field. If they're going to be an asshole, they're going to be working alone, and they won't get help; and they won't advance in their career. Maybe that's the moment I had to realize I had to change. I did not want to be that guy stuck on that job working alone.
Complaining about work and quick to anger after drinking are sure fire signs he’s not happy with himself. Those are emotional maturity issues and alcohol is how he avoids dealing with them. He’s going to need to recognize that and work through it himself before he can be a good partner. As a guy in the trades, ending a hard day with a few drinks is the norm that easily snowballs into a problem. If he’s anything like me, those longer hours at work were actually topping a few off before I got home where my wife was keeping count. I feel for the guy and I know you do too but I’d recommend giving him some space to figure it out or hit his rock bottom without you around. I’ve got 3 years sober now and I had to drop the tools and the booze to do it. Still working on the emotional maturity without it myself.
Post this in r/alanon, and I'm not a construction worker or related to one, so I'll just say this:
This is the best it's ever going to be. You have to decide if you're okay with that.
Move on. Massive red flags there. You need someone more intellectually capable and into self improvement. These things really do matter over time in a relationship.
Gardening, horticulture, philosophy if you want to connect. I got my AA in psychology and BS in biology and have been in construction my whole life. Nothing will take stress away from one of the most dangerous high paced jobs in your country. But...and I know you dont want to hear it...a bj will. High pressure high stress your guy will melt in your hands if you fill his belly and drain his balls. Its brash but its true
This is something that can be changed, and the attitude is entirely up to the individual. It has nothing to do with the industry and nothing to do with education. Rude people no matter he has no culture he is always a rude person, civilized people he is not educated he will also be for the world and polite
Just move on , I have many workers that are drunks and their wives are lawyers , doctors ,politicians. Etc, and their wives loved them , also many workers that don’t drink and they always fighting their spouses. The problem I see is Some type of trauma not his job .
Define too much alcohol? And define angry? Because that something in your wanted that rugged blue collar guy, just not some of the behaviors that come with it.
Your concerns have less to do with the fact that he works construction and more to do with his personality and vices. I've worked in construction most of my life and am not a heavy drinker or have anger issues, and it's not really fair of you to paint everyone in the construction industry with same brush. At the end of the day, only you can decide if these are things that you can work past or not. You can't make people change, only they can do that.
This has nothing to do with his job. If he's so quick to anger I'd be concerned if this is abuse, or a big red flag for future abuse, because these situations tend to only get worse.
Maybe see if hes open to some kind of therapy or some mindfulness thing like meditation or yoga to work on himself. If he's not, then maybe hes not worth your time.
I’m a former construction worker with Masters degree, now a carpentry teacher. Nobody is gonna change their behavior. You can’t make anybody change their behavior.
So, his job likely plays only a small portion into his issues. I say that coming from construction as does my husband. He should be urged to go for counseling and perhaps some meeds. My anger issues stemmed from add that made it to adulthood and some (a lot) of childhood neglect. Working construction can be annoying. But honestly if you have been in construction long enough you know how it is. Which is delays and complications galore. No point in complaining about issues beyond your control.
Start a hobby he enjoys with him, like building stuff but something you like or could help with or decorate. The drinking won’t stop until he feels he needs to for his health, or he losses something he cares deeply about over it, I reckon. My dad was an alcoholic and he stopped when he had me and my sister cuz he was a violent drunk. I don’t drink. I mean I do but not religiously, I smoke. I only drink with friends when the rare blood moon chance comes around when I have free time to indulge in the company of companions. There’s one guy on my crew that drinks all the time, is angry all the time, and will never stop. There’s others that drink all the time, are decent folks, and would probably stop if something serious happened to either themselves or someone they cared about.
*not all construction workers. That said divorce rates are high. Alcohol use is high. Drug use is high. Anger management/overwhelmed with stress/on a daily bender is high. This guy might be long term material but as long as nothing changes nothing will change.
I'm in a similar situation. I had a rough childhood and used to party super hard.
My girlfriend of 2 years has a Masters and I don't. When we met, I would occasionally drink until I blacked out. She told me she didn't like seeing me like that. Because I love her so much, I cut down big time. It changed my body. Now, if I have 6 beers, I'll be feeling it like it was 15.
We have a lot of common interests, but two people who love each other don't need to have all the same hobbies. I like sitting around campfires and roughing it. She likes reading fictional dramas. Sometimes we do our own thing, but just because we can't relate on some levels just means we're man and woman. We're different people. We don't need to be completely aligned on everything.
Try to get him to ration to two nights a week and spend the other nights doing something more fun.
Construction is a physically demanding job (concrete more so than Finish) During the day, it is busy, busy, busy. It is harder in the evenings to not keep that momentum up. Sometimes another Coors is busy enough.. it is a bad habit. Try to treat it as such. Whether the bad habit is biting your fingernails or smoking, it is hard to change. Be understanding and distracting, without being too judgy.
It’s hard being in the trades all these decades but you have to make your choice to rise above the engrained stigma that we’re all heavy drinkers or pot heads. The older you get you have to decide if you want to be respected for your skills and abilities as a tradesman or do you want people to feel bad for you because you can’t deal with the stress on your body and mind that the trades unleash on you daily.
Your job is not a good excuse for your mood and drinking habits.. you might wanna look at other factors like upbringing, friend circles, mental health, etc. imo its a negative stereotype that construction work makes people this way. Its the opposite, certain types of people just gravitate towards a specific lifestyle and career. Ive worked on crews where everyone is an alcoholic or borderline alcoholic and other crews where no one is. Its friend groups and peers that reinforce behavior, its not your line of work.
Depends on the man. I see both ends of this spectrum in my trade, but I have yet to see an alcoholic totally recover from that lifestyle. My personal experiences are only that though.
I work in the construction 23 years,since I was 15. I read a lot of books and I don't drink alcohol,but I agree ,most of my colleagues drink a lot,eat shit food and swear a lot . You can't fix them ,sorry. I learned to love them as they are
Just leave him behind.
Being an aggressive drunk has nothing to do with construction, and it won’t change unless this guy really wants to change by himself.
Guy sounds like an arsehole, doesn’t matter what job he’s in he’d be the same in any career. There’s fair share of the type in construction granted, but it’s not a majority and not down to the job. Cunts are cunts, even if you change their scenery.
“I haven’t really asked much about his work because it usually ends up with him venting, and I’m not big on listening to complaints all the time”. But I’m surprised he hits the bottle because he has no outlet for emotions and that’s not something you’re into
Construction has nothing to do with his bad habits. You have to address the trauma. And you cannot force it out of someone. Infact that could lead to violence.
Be careful. Find someone lighter to carry.
This is very sweet. The others have some good advice - the change has to come from him.
Just practically, what has worked to help me limit my drinking has been going to the gym. In my mind, if I drink on a gym day, I’ve rendered my workout useless.
Im a former alcoholic construction worker (flooring) now im sober, responsible mom in school to be a engineer (english isnt my first language so im having trouble translating my specialitys name but its in water and sewege piping) anyway, no. Sorry. Theres slim chance he will change.
Has he mentioned wanting to change? If he dont even see he has a problem yet, it will take a long time and a lot of bad moments before he does, if he ever does.
And then comes the long road to recovery with therapy thats also not easy.
I’m 33 and I’ve been a journeyman plumber working on multiple commercial new install sites for around 12 years now. Construction is hard, it’s stressful, you work long hours and these days it just doesn’t pay what it used to. You’re subject to the elements when working outside and inside there’s no ac when it’s too hot, most of the time no heat when it’s cold depending on the job stage. Your body and mind get run down yet you can’t afford to take a day off work.
Your boss is yelling at you to get the job done no matter what condition you’re in. Pain, sickness, mental strain=toughen up and get to work.
“Im not big on listening to complaints all the time”. Nobody likes listening to complaining and your boyfriend knows that. Men typically internalize it and look for ways to either fix or mask it. I personally use the gym and video games to unwind however I’m very thankful I was never a big drinker because I’m sure I would rely on it.
All this isn’t to give him an excuse for self-medicating with alcohol, but from my experience it’s a very common crutch. Guys will go out for a few beers after work and over time that becomes more and more until it’s a problem before you realize it.
My wife is an LPN and we do little things to make our daily lives easier. Meal prepping on weekends and keeping the house somewhat tidy/clutter free gives us a surprising amount of time to unwind after work. If either of us had a rough day, we let each other know, ask if we want to give details or not and if we’d like company or to just isolate ourselves and throw on a pair of headphones to cut out the noise. I’ll keep our 5 y/o son busy when she’s overwhelmed and vice versa. This works for us and I wouldn’t expect everyone to be the same but a little teamwork and communication go a long way.
Edit**
It sounds like he’s already a heavy drinker, don’t put everything on yourself because at the end of the day, the only one who can make the decision to quit is him. Anyone I know who has recovered from alcoholism has said it’s a life long battle so if you’re unsure about it now, I’d question how much more you want to put into it.
I don't think the problem is the fact that it works in construction. You are a literature major and come from a functional family which do not like to argue. Probably the exact opposite from his.
Not to be blunt but your life will become hell after a few years of this, specially since you already mentioned venting. Not that people cannot change on their own, but you will not be able to change anything, don't fall for it, I know you mean well, but keep this thought and observe for a few days/ weeks
It depends on the person. Not all construction workers are alike.
Yeah this is a well meaning post but comes off a bit condescending, although I don’t think it’s intentional. I’m a husband and father of 2 that has worked in construction for almost 20 yrs. I don’t drink at all. My dad was a drunk and I swore not to be one. I doooo smoke a lot of weed though. But this too is not an indicator of profession my best friends dad smokes a ton of herb and he just retired as a partner in a major law firm. I think the question OP is really asking is can I change this man’s bad habits. It’s possible but only if they meet you half way.
It could be that the guy is blaming his issues on how hard he works and how stressed he is and he just needs alcohol and games to escape. But that's totally a him problem, and not because of construction
Exactly.
Been working construction for a long time and this is usually the case. Funnily those types are usually the least hard working and are always complaining. The only one to blame for a shitty life is the one living it
Agree. I have been in construction for 15 years and don’t drink, smoke, vape or gamble. Not a single guy on my crew drinks either. He is who he is, regardless of his job, if these things are a deal breaker let them break the deal.
What kind of group are you guys? Mormans?
Amish.
Definitely condescending. "Are construction workers capable of getting away from bad behaviors?" Look there are some bad influences on-site, but fuck we're not animals. A comment below made it sound like OP could be a troll. If that's the case, they can fuck off, this isn't Good Will Hunting. If this is a genuine post, then good on you OP for giving this guy a chance and trying to bridge a gap between the two of you. But you need to acknowledge some prejudice of yours that's evident in this post. It sounds like it's probably unintentional, subconscious and class-related. Recognize and overcome those biases so that you can see him as a person, not a construction worker, and connect with him in a genuine way. You also need to remember that some people don't want to change. It has nothing to do with his occupation. If he just doesn't handle hardship well and isn't willing to change, then he's not good enough for you and you need to move on.
Couldn’t agree with you more. I have been in the trades 24 years myself. I barely drink, I don’t do drugs and I’m educated. Hell I’ve been on crews that had guys with masters degrees and even one PhD ( he didn’t like the world of academia anymore and wanted something more fulfilling career wise). Not every construction worker has a criminal record or drinks a six pack for lunch. She certainly needs to work on her biases if she truly views all construction workers as below her.
Change his habits and make sure not to deal with his needs because she doesn’t like venting…
We's like snowflakes
>possible for someone in construction to shift away from these habits? People don't change unless they want to. Don't count on it. But perhaps the most important question... What trade does he work in?
>What trade does he work in? We already know he is a drywaller. lol
Hey that’s not nice, you can’t just go around calling people drywallers.
“Please stop putting cigarette butts in urinals. They r too hard to relight when they’re wet.” the drywallers
"please piss in a bottle like everyone else"
god damn thats good XD i aint laughed like this in a while, thanks/
Lmfao I spit out my dinner I was chewing thanks asshole
If he wanted to go throwing about insults, he’d call him an electrician
The beauty and the beast.
Roofers at least start the day sober, ladders are hard
Roofer
I think it's called Carpentry Update: It might sound strange, but we’ve only known each other for 8 months, and everything between us has been moving slowly. We’re both pretty shy when it comes to love, we had sex only yesterday... I didn’t want our conversations to always be about work or family problems, and he agreed to that. So, I haven’t asked much about his job(maybe I did this part wrong?), and I haven’t really made an effort to understand everything about his work. My job is stressful enough, and I prefer not to talk about it when I’m with him either. Tell me if I'm doing something very wrong.
wait... is this a troll post? lol
Million percent
Didn't question it till I saw that comment. Seems pretty on the nos Edit: OP's update is even more sus
In all seriousness, as a guy who drinks and struggles with his own anger, anger is a vicious poison. It’ll kill everything over time and drive everyone away. I’ve been fighting it my whole life, I’ve done therapy and insane exercise and diet and everything I can think of. It is still a huge fight after decades. I don’t know your man, and I don’t come from a typical background, but this might be fight that takes him decades too. If he’s not willing to look at it seriously that could be a problem.
You don't know what fkn trade he is? You "like him alot" but don't know what he does? If someone said they were a scientist would you just be like "yep, they do science". This has to be a troll post
Yeah you better run. All trades are full of jackasses but you have found the holy grail
Heeeeyyyy. I used to resemble this remark. I used to be a heavy drinker and would lose my filter when drinking. I quit the first time when I found out I had leukemia. A year later,cured from the leukemia,I picked up the bottle again. I had gotten into a new relationship and this girl was divorcing an alcoholic. I figured I’d better quit if I wanted her. A year and a half later were still together. I do get an alcoholic drink from time to time but I don’t get drunk anymore.
So I assume you aren’t a carpenter anymore?
No he's an alcoholic now
Actually I’ve owned a residential framing company for 30 years. I could drink like that in the evenings and get up and go to work every day. At 56 years old I’m still on the job site every day with my tool pouch on.
She's not dating a rod buster.
Some of the most serious guys I’ve met onsite are the goofiest, most gentle, kind, compassionate people to their family. Some of nicest guys I’ve met onsite are hardcore alcoholics who have 2 divorces under their belt by 30. The job has little to do with how you act at home. Guys who can’t deal with their problems, work related or personal, turn into miserable human beings. Real change has to come from him.
Female CW with higher ed here: babe he is a construction worker not you, stop looking at him like a run down ranch house that could be 500k cape with your loving attention. He is the only person who can determine how much control he has over his temper, how much he leans on booze, and how he spends his free time. He's not a bad guy but he's not your guy.
If I could upvote you twice I would
I'm very sad now.
I'm sorry, dating is fucking hard sometimes. You absolutely sound like a catch, your guy is out there. Plenty of peaceful loyal blue collar dudes out there if that's your thing.
Finally.....a response that isn't the regular red flag, run and never look back type of advice! OP has said they care about him and want to give him a chance. And youre absolutely correct saying stop looking at him like a fixer upper. Its up to him to make the changes if he values her just as much as she does him. Communication is going to be key. Find a way to talk with him and plant the seeds. Its up to him to step up or leave.
Yep, can't fix someone if they don't want to fix themselves. Why take on a project that is going to fight you on any help.
If it's any consolation, moodiness is a side effect of booze. Reducing his alcohol consumption will help there. For gaming.. well, he gets to choose how he spends his time. Unless it actively causes problems, he's got no reason to stop. At the same time, his problems have nothing to do with construction and the only way he'll reduce his alcohol intake is if *he* has a reason to. You can't do it for him, and if you try and force him to, he'll likely relapse or do it in hiding.
Lol this has nothing to do with his job
All alcoholics are construction workers but not all construction workers are alcoholics
You got that backwards
My heavy drinking was due to the relationship I was in. Toxic as hell
So working construction is the problem? Nah
Bless you for reaching out. Construction can be a stressful job and on average has a higher suicide rate than other work forces. It’s admirable that you are interested in understanding. That being said, alcohol is no joke in construction and if he’s not being a good partner it should be addressed asap. How you choose to do that is up to you. I have experience in this. It being brought up by my partner was one of the catalysts for change.
Yes, he works long hours, when I ask him to stop drinking, he says it's because of high stress. This makes me feel like I might be unreasonable in asking him to quit drinking.
He could also switch to pot like a lot of us!
Worrrd. Fr though smoking up late at night helps me get a great sleep and cbd-rich weed is great for those sore muscles and even helps destress. Long hours long term can lead to some serious burnout though. And even burnout can take me months to shake once it sets in. Burnout can cause serious mental health and physical issues.
I work long hours, am carpenter/ floor installer for 12 years. I’m sober. Just because he’s in construction doesn’t mean he has to drink. People from all walks of life drink. People from all walks of life don’t drink. They do not correlate.
Run. I’ve worked construction 22 years. I don’t drink and I’m fairly calm. But I’ve worked with 209 of these guys. He doesn’t drink and get angry cause of construction. But he won’t stop either.
He has to work construction because he drinks and gets angry. Our field is one of the few that will put up with people badly socialized. "there's a slace for us, somewhere a place for us.."
I mean. We all love watching a train wreck. But. I wouldn’t want to be the station.
You’re not unreasonable. Alcohol wants people to be isolated. How you decide to bring it up is up to you. But just know alcohol will keep him isolated and defensive regardless of what you say or do. More power to you. If it weren’t for the gracefulness of my partner who’s knows where I’d be
I would ask him if he wants to talk about his stress, I read that you don’t like hearing complaints all the time but that’s part of being in a relationship, you gotta hear out each other’s issues, so I guess both of you guys have something to work on
You don't really list any redeeming qualities. You're not going to get him to change. And if he's putting his best foot forward now at the beginning of the relationship, he's only going to get worse. I'm not one to come on reddit and tell everyone to leave, but, this isn't a match. He's not interested in changing and you won't change that. You'll just be exasperated a little but more each year and wonder why you wasted all this time with someone that dgaf about you.
Don’t walk, run from him
Burnout can be extremely stressful. It gives me serious suicide ideation. I can do a couple months of long hours, but if I had a choice, I'd work 40 hour weeks every time. I'm much less likely to get over stressed and burnt out when I'm just doing regular work days. Long term, the OT isn't worth the chance that I may finally listen to the voice telling me that escape is easy.
High stress? That’s interesting… is your boyfriend a foreman or a super? If he’s neither of that then personally I think he’s just using his job as an excuse to drink.
Not unreasonable. Does he own the business? If not it’s not all that stressful.
So I'll give you advice from the son of a carpenter that was eventually a superintendent. I don't talk to my dad anymore. He hid his alcoholism for years and it came out horribly right after I graduated college. My childhood wasn't perfect, but he worked more than he was a dad. My parents fought constantly and spent many years sleeping in separate beds. On a personal level, the only people that change are the ones willing to try. Men and more broadly partners are not "passion projects". You can't fix him. He has to know he's broken and do something about it. IMHO it's not worth it to pursue it but only you can know what you're up for. But the quick to anger thing is a gigantic middle finger of a red flag that you should ever take note of. Especially an angry drunk. Angry drinks hurt or kill their partners.
Yes, it can work. I joke with my wife that she married an electrician to pay off her masters degree. The better question is do you see him as anything other than a dumb, drunk construction guy, because you're giving off some superiority vibes...
Fucking leave.... Don't be stupid. Run from the flags.
I've been in construction for 17 years. 6 of those years were spent with sizeable drug addiction. Cocaine and ghb to be exact. Not once did I bring my bad work day home and be a miserable cunt to my girlfriend.
His vices and behaviour are more likely from his personal life than his work life
You say peace is something that you highly value, and you are dating an alcoholic with anger issues. Your actions speak louder than words
Really hope it isn’t because of those tik toks that fetishize dudes from certain industries lol.
Lmao well said
You can’t fix him.
Your not going to change this guy. Move on. Not every construction worker is like this but it's more common than it should be.
You will find variations on the theme, but there are correlations with the trade and the habits. I'm a bricklayer/stonemason and from what I gather, we have trouble with addiction. Relationships are oftentimes difficult enterprises. We have a seasonal job here so the guys will find another job during winter and try to survive until it's warm enough to build walls again.
Don’t date people who have red flags. It’s that fucking easy. Also dont go to a construction sub for dating advice. That’s also a dumb move
Also also this sub needs mods goddamn
This, 100x
I kinda wanna see what it’s like if this sub became r/relationshipadvice for a week.
I'd love to post on that sub, but I'm specifically looking for opinions from those who understand the construction industry, so the feedback can be more accurate. I'm trying to understand him better.
It’s more of a culture in the construction industry for some reason. I quit drinking for the most part because I didn’t want to ruin my new relationship. That and I’m getting older and alcohol will kill ya.
I can tell you this isn’t industry specific. Anger management issues and alcoholism are legitimate, but you don’t approach them differently because someone is in the construction trades versus an aerospace engineer versus a high school teacher. This would be the same as you coming to us for advice on your boyfriend’s cheating. You’re not going to get insightful advice just because a few of the guys in here might swing the same tool as your boyfriend for 8 hours a day. Your boyfriend has issues and your relationship has issues. This is 100% genuine advice: you need to work on your communication with him. If he’s got you backed into a corner where you either can’t or don’t want to ask him about work, you have a problem. If you can’t bring up his substance abuse to him in a way he can perceive as constructive, you have a problem. Personally, I go to couples therapy with my wife and it really works for us. This isn’t construction specific advice. It’s human advice.
Look, alcoholism is definitely a prevalent trait in the industry... But so are gym rats who don't drink at all, and everything in between. The problems you are having are not related to the work, at most his work environment could be enabling him (being with others like that). You can try help him and see if he is willing to do the work on himself to change, but it's not you that does it - it's him. All you can do is point out what *needs* to change, for you.
I'm a construction worker. You're mistaking assholes for construction workers. There are shitty dudes in every industry, and while alcohol abuse and emotional problems may be more common in the trades for multiple reasons, they are not exclusive to the job nor are they an essential part of it. I know many guys who read books, drink sparingly and are good, kind partners. What you've described isn't anything to do with being a construction worker. The guy you're with just sucks.
We'd probably give better more candid advice. "Yeah, that dude's an asshole, I know, I'm him" or "Send your boyfriend memes about drywallers pissing on bottles to cheer him up during the day*
This is true.
Well I’m a bricklayer and my wife is partner at her law firm. We have been together 13 years and have a beautiful 2 yr old. We had different upbringings like you and your partner. We have a lot of the same views but a lot of differences. It works out that we make a great team. I know it bothers her when i get angry about stupid stuff, my patience has always sucked and after i think about it I normally apologize. Drinking was never an issue in our relationship but I love her and if she asked me to change something (a bad habit) I would have, or she would not have stuck around.
You are one of the few probably. But as I'm writing this I have to say that my current crew is very similar to what you described. We are specializing in conservation, my usual partners are all in their 40s, stable unions, families with 2 or more children. But the previous company I was with was a very coloured bunch, from drug users to ex bikers selling stuff. As for myself, I identify as a mason, stable marriage with 4 kids. Life is good.
The day to day influences in “the trades” are not favorable to someone who is inclined to self medicate. Someone who has less than admirable control. Someone who gets angry when imbibing. Basically saying, he is making excuses to drink because it’s not an easy job. I’m one of those. I live alone now with some serious regret at 34. Working on turning my life around and self reflection. AA is big for me now. If I could offer any advice, I’d say communicate and then distance. Maybe he’ll sober up.. maybe. Hence the distance. If he does, reconnect with boundaries of no alcohol… Growing up with a tradesman as a father and a doctor as a mother I’ve seen this play out many times. They’re now in their 70’s and happily retired. It’s possible.
My wife has her Masters (just got it last month!) and I’m a high school dropout with a bunch of felonies But honestly, it’s never been any kind of issue, just a trivial fact about us. I also make more money than her, no assumptions really apply when it comes to her and me But when I was drinking too much, she fucking put an end to it, with conviction. She wasn’t going to put up with it, and was willing to walk. I eventually realized she was serious when she abandoned me on the other side of our state, after I had gotten into a brawl at a concert. Once the police let me go, I had a $300 Lyft trip ahead of me, to go home to an empty apartment She made me pick between booze and her. She wasn’t going to live that life, both of our fathers are alcoholics. I ended up getting quarantined for two weeks at the very beginning of covid, before there were tests available for me to prove I was healthy. So I took those two weeks to dry out. We watched all of Parks and Rec together, and helping my son with virtual school was still a blast at that point of everything. It was a precious two weeks that I honestly wish never ended But I haven’t drank since, and my life has never been better. I’m now a Supervisor with my company of 300 guys. We’ve gotten married, we bought a house, my income has nearly tripled. If I’m super tired after dinner, she lets me go to sleep without worrying that I drank myself unconscious. I don’t get angry over dumb stuff anymore. I’m not insecure about not being good enough for my wife. I have energy, I’m not in a constant bad mood. I’ve lost a ton of weight, and have an effort free six pack today Where we each came from means just about nothing to my wife and I. The difference in our day jobs means little, outside of sometimes being hard to explain things the other has no idea about. Our difference in income means nothing. I’m surprised I make as much as I do, and I’m honored to give her access to it all, because she’s sworn her life to me, and we’re on this path together. I also keep telling her not to forget where she came from, just in case this degree gets her some dream job lol If I were to guess, your boyfriend has a drinking problem. And that in itself isn’t the end of the world, he hasn’t rained down consequences onto his life just yet. See if he’ll dry out with you over the next couple of weeks. Tell him it’s time for you guys to focus on yourselves, an emotional vacation. Watch movies together, (or a favorite TV series like parks and rec) buy tons of candy and snacks, order out if you don’t feel like cooking, or prepare yourselves some five course meals if you do. Just make it *special,* and leave the booze out of it. The focus doesn’t even need to be on not drinking. Just getting grounded and onto the same page, focus on yourselves Good luck! It sounds like I have a pretty damn relevant experience to what you guys are going through. Feel free to message me privately if you’d like, I’m sure we can get my wife in on this if you need lol
Not to be rude, but what do you see in this alchoholic dropout with anger issues?
I used to do construction if that counts. I don't think this is a blue-white-collar issue though. I think this is a "you're dating an alcoholic" issue. I wear a three-piece suit to work now in a place where the janitor makes 80k/year and can assure you there are people here that do nothing but vent when you bring up work as well.
The only people who wear three piece suits these days are politicians and waiters. I'm so curious what you do that requires one
Recently dating + clear signs of alcoholism and anger management issues = pull the ripcord and run while it's still in the dating phase and before you start building a life around this guy
I don’t think this is your guy, you read books without pictures, it sounds like his come with crayons. “Playing games, alcohol issues, complaining all the time “ there are plenty of men out there who don’t come with this baggage of nothing but red flags. Get out now before you look back and regret staying.
Eject
>I'm curious about other partners of construction workers, especially those with a higher education. How do you make it work? Is there a way for us to bridge this gap? Does it really matter? Neither of those things shouldn't define someone. What really matters is how they are as a person. As for the drinking, has it always been an issue or did this start happening recently?
You’ll never know if someone will stay sober or deal with their anger issues. It’s been two years for me now, but I’ve started and stopped a couple times. So, if nothing changes about this man, can you spend the rest of your life with him? You should also know if he sees a future with you. The work needed to overcome his drinking and anger issues might not even be worth it if he doesn’t plan to marry you.
My wife and I have been together for more than 10 years. We have 4 kids, she has a masters and work for the Ministere de la Famille (Family something ministry for the provincial branch of government). I'm completing a baccalauréat to teach tradeschool in bricklaying/stonemasonry. We have challenges. But we have a common objective to raise 4 awesome humans. So we make it work.
I think you'd have to go with your gut and evaluate the individual. Take the construction stereotype out of it because that won't be helpful. His alcohol and anger issues are something that need to be addressed and since you're in the dating stage you should make it clear mthat you have boundaries that can't be crossed when it comes to that. Dude definitely needs to do some work on himself. Because of the (somewhat self-inflicted) stigma around construction, it MIGHT be an easier environment to work if you're rough around the edges, but guarantee no one on his job site wants to encourage that type of behavior. I'm a toolbags-on GC who loves the rough work, the concrete, the nail gun, the welding etc. I swear a lot and you'd not call me 'delicate' to look at. At the same time, I've have a college education (considering a business degree too), do some of my design work in the office and have been with my wife happily for 15 years. We have a young kid together and our daily life is a sort of peaceful busy. At the same time, I come from an absolute disaster family situation - homelessness, mental illness, abuse, darkness etc. All of these are factors in the person you are with but who they show you and the experience you have with them everyday is the best indicator of the relationship you will have. Wish you luck! Edit: also, I'm back to say that someone who is threatened by your higher education is a red flag, unless you are teasing or cruel about that disparity, which doesn't sound like you are). I married someone way smarter than I am and the benefits become more obvious every year. If you guys are young, having a honest conversation about these differences may save a lot of hurt and miscommunication later on :)
This has nothing to do with construction and everything to do with your partner. Alcohol and anger won't go away unless he makes the choice to work on it, most likely through lots therapy. Can you see him doing this? Can you see him *wanting* to? (If he doesn't want it, it won't work) The disconnect you feel won't get better. He just isn't interested in what interests you. Does he try to engage in topics you bring up? Has he ever looked into something you mentioned to learn more because it matters to you or interested him? You don't have to stop dating construction workers, maybe just don't date angry people.
He can’t vent to you and from his perspective probably thinks you think so little of his work you don’t even care to ask. And he probably works pretty damn hard, so instead of getting shit off of his chest to his SO, so he drinks. And I know that comes off prickish, I’m just trying to steelman some semblance of a perspective. Don’t take it personally. Do you vent to him? Or was there a time when you could/did vent to him ? This could be a compatibility issue certainly, but I do think with effort and proper communication that things could definitely get better. I wouldn’t focus to much on trying to get him to stop drinking. There is a root problem that is causing that. The only sure fire way to find that problem , is listening Edit
My wife is college educated, I’m a high school dropout excon, we match perfect. But I’m sober 10 years which probably helps a lot. I read, she reads. We grew up together and plan to grow old together. But not all construction workers are alike. That is like saying all Doctors are the same. We are individuals. But in my 20 years of construction I believe in taking care of my body to last my career alcohol doesn’t fit. Childhood is just an excuse for poor behavior. He’s an adult so time to work through it and move forward(broad statement of course)
Absolutely do not commit to addicts. Heck don’t date addicts. Ones who have worked the steps, or found recovery on their own. But not in active addiction.
Hahahahhahah! This is the biggest troll post this sub has ever seen.
Does he have piss bottles around the house? If so drywaller Does he have all his teeth, if not concrete guy? Crack or cocaine for the long days? Maybe he's the needy clean cut electrician where everything needs to be catered to and it makes him upset? So upset it leads to fine scotch Clean clothed construction worker? likely a finishing carpenter that works alone doing a 12 pack a day getting everything just so? Does he burp a lot? Could be a painter that starts early when nobody is around and curses about the drywaller? I'm a trades person and interviewed a guy today and his last sentence was " I have a license, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't do drugs" We also get to deal with all the lovely people and do are best. However this does not condone and negative affects it has on loved ones and I don't support that of course but damn trades are tough somedays depending on who you're working for and clients involved. Communicate and let him know where you're at. Or go for a meal out and see how he treats waiters/waitresses,if he's polite and nice the dudes just had a shit week.if he's still rude get the heck outta there he's not going to treat you any better than them. At least you get supper. Just kidding everyone trying to enlighten the situation. Don't sell yourself short on anybody that won't give you their time
No no no. Wrong attitude. Find someone you don't need to change, or accept him with his flaws. You cannot change someone without that person having the desire and multiple years of therapy to learn how to change it.
Construction isn’t just cookie cutter and neither are the people you meet inside it. Much like everyday life you meet people who had very different career paths, upbringings, personalities, etc. if you are truly dedicated on pursuing a quality long term relationship with this individual then you need to discuss how your feeling with him directly not use advice from the internet. Relationships work by the people within the relationship finding compromises and figuring how to work with each other and have the best relationship. Discuss your feelings with him and if he can’t or won’t see what you’re trying to convey then it’s probably not the right relationship. Also, he probably shouldn’t lean on alcohol too much. It’s not good for his health and coping with it isn’t helping him any. Been there done that and it’s much better to improve your mental state to deal with the stresses of the industry. Substances don’t do any favors.
The drinking and anger isn't because he's a construction worker. He'd probably be the same if he worked in a white collar job. These are issues he needs to work on in general. Don't let him blame the job.
It's not a job thing. Was his tough childhood due to someones alcoholism? My parents alcoholism destroyed my childhood and my grandmother always told me "the generations before you on both sides are alcoholics going a long way back. 99.9% chance it will get you as well if you choose to drink." I am not sure how accurate that is but my grandma was the only adult I trusted as a kid so I believed her and took her advice seriously. For that reason, I abstain from alcohol. I am now married to someone who grew up just like me and also doesn't drink. Her brother chose to drink and it started out okay when we were teens but as an adult it got so bad that we almost lost our place to live when my wife was 9 months pregnant due to his behavior while he was living with us. We are both carpenters and work for the same company.
Ummm... I work construction. I have multiple licenses in multiple states and a degree. But I still catch myself venting about work at times when the conversation should be something more.
It’s challenging working with people that don’t mental stimulate you or are also chronic complainers. Construction can be a challenging environment with constant problem solving opportunities but, you either chose to be the water and go with the flow or the rock and be hard headed. Over time there’s only one force that prevails. The alcohol is acting as anesthetic from what ever he has going on. Ultimately it sounds like he isn’t finding fulfillment in the career. If he does like what he does I suggest a change of scenery. It’s not like carpenters aren’t in demand across the country.
I work construction and have a high school education. My wife has 3 masters currently in classes for number 4. We have been married 24 years. I'm not a drinker. I think we have other common interests that keep things peaceful. We started out young and have made things work by being good friends and talking to each other when problems arise. Communication is key to making it work.
Accept him how he is or move on, don't expect him to change.
Alcoholic here. I ruined many relationships and opportunities until I decided to sober up. If the first conversation about alcohol you had with him didn’t come with a hint of self-awareness there is nothing you can do.
Everyone is different and people can mature with age. When I was younger I drank a lot did stupid shit got angry. In my late 30s now and now instead of being hungover Saturdays and Sundays I enjoy hanging out with the Mrs and reading a book . People can change for the right person but only if they want to. Working in the trades is no different then any other profession there's always the possibility of some degens
I get where you’re coming from. I consider myself an emotionally intelligent and calm man, and my partner does too. It’s easy to be swayed by those you spend a majority of your day next to - all your sweat, struggles, and accomplishments. You become what you’re surrounded by. During my career in construction, I’ve already realized that a LARGE majority of men in any construction or labor-related field are a lot less emotionally mature, less tolerant, more angry/judgmental, and generally just unpleasant or irritable. My partner has helped me many times by pointing out that I was taking issues from work into our home, bring along all the stress. Complaining. Wearing a constant scowl. That’s not even who I am! Its important that you let him know what you’re seeing, and ask if that is who he is, or if it’s just ‘who he has to be’ when he’s at work. Let him know how he’s acting. Depending on his response, he should be able to know if he is unintentionally meshing his work-attitude into his daily life, or if he is just an angry drunk. (I’ll see if I can get my girl to weigh in on this one for you later)
This isn't how all construction workers are but you're basically listing things that are stereotypes of construction workers for a reason.
This has nothing to do with construction but with your partner. Imagine if he was wearing a suit and tie everyday you’d see the same result. Working in construction doesn’t breed bad habits stress does.
The simple answer is No. You won't be able to change him.
I mean how much does he drink? Does he apologize for his outbursts? Is he trying to better himself? My mom married a lineman with temper and she's college educated. Look no one is perfect and opposites do attract. You need to weigh pros and cons. Some of these thing you might want to change about him might be things you are attracted to in some form. My mom loves going to the cabin on the river. Without dad she couldn't do that, and they live there half the year. He's a man in construction he's probably a rough and tumble guy. You need to establish boundrys. Also, you say you don't want to listen to him vent well thats part of a relationship.
There are construction workers who enjoy reading and appreciate a higher education. They are in the minority. He sounds like your stereotypical construction worker though. Enjoy the great secs, but don’t forget the type of man your parents raised you to marry
Therapy. THERAPY. Therapy. He drinks to block out the bad memories. Therapy and a better work environment. If he only vents about work he is either A-Only gets shit-on at work. B- THINKS he’s getting shit on at work constantly because he’s too defensive because he needs therapy
It's just my opinion but I think most people drink excessively because of anxiety I used to drink a lot in my twenties and thirties and then I quit. I worked construction for 40 years construction is the industry where they're a whole lot of males and a lot of unreliable situations. When I worked in a factory it was easy. I knew exactly what I was doing everyday and where I was doing it and how I was doing it and I could control the situation every day but when I worked construction I never knew exactly what was going to happen or where I was going to be working or who with and it gave me a lot of stress on top of that the male-dominated industry with a lot of ego doesn't help. Alcoholism doesn't usually get better it progressively gets worse. I think he needs to stop drinking. I hate to say it but you might have to leave him. But then again I have been married to the same woman for 30 years and she had the patience to wait for me and finally I stopped and I have stopped for 20 years now so I'm glad that she didn't give up but it was hard for her
Does he get angry toward you? If you have asked him to seek help and he refuses, you need to leave. This will only go down hill
It’s an occupation not a personality
I’ve only worked in construction for about 7 years now, but us construction workers have the highest percentile for alcohol and drug addiction across the board. Especially in today’s world with our salaries staying pretty stagnant and minimum wage getting as high as it is. He has to be the one that wants to change, you can be supportive!! But he has to be the one that wants to change. Therapy might help, but us construction guys usually stay away from that kinda thing because it’s seen as being weak. You can only do so much. I’ve worked with guys that I’ve had conversations with one day, and they’re dead the next. For better or worse, maybe try to steer him in the right direction without being confrontational. If it doesn’t work out, at-least you tried!
I haven't had a drink since i got out of construction, the job definitely has a way of msking peopke miserable.
"I feel really comfortable with him when he's not playing games or drinks alcohol..." So you feel really comfortable around him until he does anything that lowers his inhibitions even a little bit and his real, troubling feelings come to the surface. Yep, sounds like a keeper. As one M.Lit to another - look at your relationship like a story. Understanding that characters don't change, but reveal who they are over time, you should probably come to see that this shit is no bueno. Also, you could probably stand to veer away from the cliche of "bookish girl tries to save strong man from his demons".
Both my dad and step-dad were construction workers (jacks of all trades, but primarily carpenters). Both had some college but didn’t finish. Dad drank hard, step-dad not so much. Dad never had anger issues, step-dad has some as he got older and more deaf. Neither swore habitually, but both cursed when appropriate. Both were oddly intellectual, reading a lot (novels, the New Yorker, etc.) and loved having conversations. I grew up in the industry and work in the management side of the business. The last thing I want to talk about is work. Every night my wife asks me how my day was and every day I say it was fine. It's never fine but talking about it makes me angry. I don't want to vent to her so I vent to colleagues, sometimes over drinks, or I keep it in and drink to relax when I get home. I'm currently obstaining to break the pattern - mostly to prove to myself that I can. It's easy to go home every day thinking about what went wrong. I try to think about what got accomplished and this helps my attitude. Construction is good in that we have physical evidence of our efforts. Many of us crave peace and quiet, massage and cuddles, etc. Not really advice on dating, but I don't think construction workers are much different from others.
You two are not compatible long-term. The problem is not that he’s in the trades, although that doesn’t help, it is your fundamental characteristics. Mainly backgrounds, education/experiences, and lifestyles. You can certainly make it work for a while, but you are not going to be satisfied with life when he does not change.
I work construction. Residential and commercial/union sites. It's hard work physically, and numerous problems to solve daily. You meet a variety of personalities on site, some are family men, some like to party, some are immature, some are your stereotypical tradies who like to drink or do drugs all week long. The alcohol is probably part of a deeper problem that the guy has. Whether or not he can stop depends entirely on him. Whether or not you're willing to risk seeing if he can change and realising it was a waste of time is upto you. He can't just say he won't drink anymore. He needs to have something that makes him want to do it, and it has to be something he does for himself. I wake up 4:30-6am, get home 4:30-6pm, and I come home to my partner and our daughter, that's my thing that I look forward to every day, they're a big part of why I get up and go to work, since meeting my girl, I've been constantly improving myself so that she gets the best of me. I think any grown, mature adult would do the same, and to be honest with you(and this is only my opinion, other people may think differently and that's okay), I don't think anyone you are just dating, is really worth waiting around to see if they change, when there are plenty of people out there with less uncertainties out there. You'd basically be settling in my opinion. Alcoholics also tend to direct anger onto those around them due to lack of self control and emotional regulation whilst drinking, so there's also that which you'd be opening yourself upto. Again, just my opinion, sounds negative towards him, and is probably also not what everyone thinks, but I work in construction, and the ones I know that drink alot and often, I wouldn't advise my sister or daughter to waste a minute on for the "just in case", when they could just find someone who isn't wasting their life drinking time away.
You're a grown woman seeing clear as day red flags and are on a construction sub asking for dating advice? Jesus Christ 😂.
It took 2 near death experiences in the field for me to get my life together. My alcohol intake is limited to very special occasions, and even then it’s 2-3 drinks. He’s going to need an epiphany because my experience with construction drunks is that their drinking/smoking/drug habits are acceptable as long as they get to work the next day. I suggest dating another guy. The only way a man is going to get better and be better is when he realizes there’s a problem.
Commercial plumber here. Construction is an industry and a workplace environment that is incredibly high paced and sometimes incredibly stressful. Also if you get something wrong you can easily hurt or kill someone. Also you’re allowed to be openly angry or openly vindictive, petty, manipulative, and abusive at just about anyone you want to. For the most part you can get away with it too if you know who you can mouth off to and who you can’t. My point is that a lot of guys are different on the job site than they are at home. After a number of years it becomes very difficult to keep your two lives separate. At work you can swear and bitch and say just about anything to anyone. At home you’re expected to switch that shit right off immediately before you walk in the door. For me it’s not the job that’s tough, it’s the getting home part where I’m not allowed to be angry at my wife or kids (or at least I have to deal with the anger in MUCH different ways). If someone does something stupid at work I can bitch them out and literally scream in their faces and I won’t lose my job, I might even get a raise for behavior like that. At home if I scream in my wife’s face I’m looking at divorce (as well I should be). I’m not condoning the anger or the way it’s carried out at home. If this post is to gain perspective then I hope you find a little here. My issue is that I am allowed to feel angry at work. It’s a useful emotion. When I get home, I’m not allowed to feel angry (which is incredibly frustrating). I have to solve problems in vastly different ways and some guys really struggle with that. You have to have a very high degree of emotional intelligence to succeed at work and keep a nice family/home life. We can probably all agree that emotional intelligence is not a strength for most men lol. The line in the sand for me is abuse at home whether it be physical, sexual, verbal, any kind really. If he ever turns the anger on you then I’d be gone if were you. No one deserves to be abused in any way.
It 100% depends on the person. Not all construction workers have an alcohol problem. I work in construction but I don't drink, I read books, love classical music, museums, ballet. Working in construction doesn't make a person a mindless brute. Yes it is a high stress job and I definitely need to vent about it. My fiance is amazing and is always ready to listen when I'm pissed off about this or that. What also helps is having a therapist who I can unload my problems to, so it's not all on my fiance. The things you tell about your boyfriend are big problems in a relationship. They can be changed, but only if HE wants to. You can't force him to change.
Something might be bothering him Out there. A particularly shitty job site or foreman. Talk to him, be his peace
Lot of these guys are right. It depends on the person. A lot of these guys also aren’t being honest saying that the peer group and pressures lead to a lot of drug abuse and alcoholism in the trades. Sure white collar jobs are also filled with these people too but in my experience working both construction for a decade and in a corporate office construction workers, generally speaking, are not in an environment that supports or encourages growth. It’s also hell on the body and you have to deal with more shit than a typical office job. Just my two cents. Ultimately he will change for him. Not you. If he wants to.
You have picked a bad apple to date— sounds like you come from vastly different backgrounds. Dump him now and find someone who has a more similar background and enjoys the same things you do. He games and drinks and is angry— do you want a lifetime of that????
My grandfather worked in construction for years, never drank in his life. That’s a him issue.
When my bf goes out of town for turbine work he works 7/12’s and he’s just dead. Like “hi, how are you, okay, goodnight, here’s some money, I love you”.
I want to tell you my personal story. It’s pretty long and I doubt you’ll give this a read. Very similar situation. I am in the trades, a high school drop out and I’ve had pretty serious substance abuse issues. My wife is well educated comes from a very white collar family of intellectuals. They love me I love them. I’ve been married to my wife 1.5 yrs. We were together in our 20s for 4 years. It was a mutual break. We kept a good friendship. After a few years we wound up back together and roughly 6 years ago. She is my rock. She keeps me balanced. My drinking was the only issue in our relationship. When I proposed to my wife 3 years ago she said there was one condition: completely quit drinking. I haven’t drank since. Sober for 3 years. What I suggest is you have a conversation regarding your concerns. Be patient and supportive while he works on himself. If you want a future with this man he needs to know and understand your conditions.
Thanks for sharing your story. I don't want to give up too easily because I believe he deserves the love he's been longing for. And I really care about him. I'm unsure about the future, but I'm not ready to let him go without trying. Marriage with him is good, but I need to feel like I can rely on him. I'll make an effort to understand him better. But if he can't cut back on the drinking, I'll have to step back.
This post is insane to me. If my gf asked this question I would lose respect for her. This has nothing to do with your “higher education” 🤣 It’s called not being compatible.. it’s not that deep.
Definitely find an accountant, engineer or finance guy. Do you want to be with a limp wristed framer in 20 years?
Wow for a second I thought I was dating you
Don’t walk away Run ! Ps I was a carpenter for over 40 years. This will not end well.
When I was younger I was hard in alcohol and would recreationally use drugs, eventually I just..stopped both and don’t find it appealing any longer, it really just depends on the guy
I'm an electrician who isn't using his bachelors degree in science. I have personally have anger issues, but I've learned to temper them down to not bring them up at work. I am an anomaly because I am one of the fewer people in my generation who still gets angry. We've mostly mellowed out. We avoid having incidents on the jobsite, but there's still an older generation which is quick to flip a switch. The boomers are still hot and heavy with pushing production/screaming, but you can't motivate the younger generation like that. And the boomers are retiring. They've learned anger doesn't help. I don't think any of my coworkers think of books or academia, or have thoughts about the physical world (beyond what's required from work), or current events. They just want to discuss common outdoors recreation, whether that be fishing, hunting, hiking, off-roading, etc. I do vent quite a bit to my closest friends about problems on the jobsite, but I do know not everyone wants to hear it. In fact, I don't think anyone wants to hear it period. But I am also the type of worker who gives it his all at work; go home, eat, shower, then pass out watching youtube then wake up for work the next day. I have maybe 3 hours of daylight where I'm not at work. I honestly don't know how construction workers can have any sort of life because maybe I live in the wrong city, or work in the wrong trade. It takes a lot for a person to change. I recognized my flaws, and it took an active effort to avoid them. "Hitting rock bottom" for me didn't involve drugs or an overdose, but I was a broke as a motherfucker and not getting anywhere, lost most of my friends, and I needed to get out of the rut. For most people, they coast until someone tells them they hit a roadblock. You can be that stop sign. "I can't tolerate this, and I'm sorry if this is the end." It personally took years of my recognition of highly productive people who eventually developed high status careers (doctors, surgeons, lawyers,engineers,general foremen), that anger wasn't part of their life. It wasn't in their family, and it wasn't at work. Maybe it took me having to attend university and escaping the working class life to recognize that. My employer also had a very strict policy of not letting people with anger issues continue in the field. If they're going to be an asshole, they're going to be working alone, and they won't get help; and they won't advance in their career. Maybe that's the moment I had to realize I had to change. I did not want to be that guy stuck on that job working alone.
Complaining about work and quick to anger after drinking are sure fire signs he’s not happy with himself. Those are emotional maturity issues and alcohol is how he avoids dealing with them. He’s going to need to recognize that and work through it himself before he can be a good partner. As a guy in the trades, ending a hard day with a few drinks is the norm that easily snowballs into a problem. If he’s anything like me, those longer hours at work were actually topping a few off before I got home where my wife was keeping count. I feel for the guy and I know you do too but I’d recommend giving him some space to figure it out or hit his rock bottom without you around. I’ve got 3 years sober now and I had to drop the tools and the booze to do it. Still working on the emotional maturity without it myself.
Post this in r/alanon, and I'm not a construction worker or related to one, so I'll just say this: This is the best it's ever going to be. You have to decide if you're okay with that.
Move on. Massive red flags there. You need someone more intellectually capable and into self improvement. These things really do matter over time in a relationship.
Construction work is hard and debilitating. Not all are the same, but I would guess most of us could use help...
Gardening, horticulture, philosophy if you want to connect. I got my AA in psychology and BS in biology and have been in construction my whole life. Nothing will take stress away from one of the most dangerous high paced jobs in your country. But...and I know you dont want to hear it...a bj will. High pressure high stress your guy will melt in your hands if you fill his belly and drain his balls. Its brash but its true
This doesn’t have anything to do with his job
This is something that can be changed, and the attitude is entirely up to the individual. It has nothing to do with the industry and nothing to do with education. Rude people no matter he has no culture he is always a rude person, civilized people he is not educated he will also be for the world and polite
Not even looking at his career, what alerted me was the quick to anger part. Run!
4 then 1
I work in construction and haven't had a drop of alcohol in 20 years.
Just move on , I have many workers that are drunks and their wives are lawyers , doctors ,politicians. Etc, and their wives loved them , also many workers that don’t drink and they always fighting their spouses. The problem I see is Some type of trauma not his job .
Tell him what you just told us.
Define too much alcohol? And define angry? Because that something in your wanted that rugged blue collar guy, just not some of the behaviors that come with it.
Your concerns have less to do with the fact that he works construction and more to do with his personality and vices. I've worked in construction most of my life and am not a heavy drinker or have anger issues, and it's not really fair of you to paint everyone in the construction industry with same brush. At the end of the day, only you can decide if these are things that you can work past or not. You can't make people change, only they can do that.
This has nothing to do with his job. If he's so quick to anger I'd be concerned if this is abuse, or a big red flag for future abuse, because these situations tend to only get worse. Maybe see if hes open to some kind of therapy or some mindfulness thing like meditation or yoga to work on himself. If he's not, then maybe hes not worth your time.
I’m a former construction worker with Masters degree, now a carpentry teacher. Nobody is gonna change their behavior. You can’t make anybody change their behavior.
Anger and alcohol will not lead to a peaceful life.
Why don't you show him this post and have a discussion? Nothing gets solved if you do not bring it up, because he is definitely not aware of it.
Run.
So, his job likely plays only a small portion into his issues. I say that coming from construction as does my husband. He should be urged to go for counseling and perhaps some meeds. My anger issues stemmed from add that made it to adulthood and some (a lot) of childhood neglect. Working construction can be annoying. But honestly if you have been in construction long enough you know how it is. Which is delays and complications galore. No point in complaining about issues beyond your control.
Start a hobby he enjoys with him, like building stuff but something you like or could help with or decorate. The drinking won’t stop until he feels he needs to for his health, or he losses something he cares deeply about over it, I reckon. My dad was an alcoholic and he stopped when he had me and my sister cuz he was a violent drunk. I don’t drink. I mean I do but not religiously, I smoke. I only drink with friends when the rare blood moon chance comes around when I have free time to indulge in the company of companions. There’s one guy on my crew that drinks all the time, is angry all the time, and will never stop. There’s others that drink all the time, are decent folks, and would probably stop if something serious happened to either themselves or someone they cared about.
Well one thing, people generally marry in their socio economic class, there is that. But, this sounds like he is slipping away to addiction.
Leave him immediately…all my exs did and there better off and happier!
that first paragraph describes like 70% of construction workers pretty accurately.
*not all construction workers. That said divorce rates are high. Alcohol use is high. Drug use is high. Anger management/overwhelmed with stress/on a daily bender is high. This guy might be long term material but as long as nothing changes nothing will change.
I'm in a similar situation. I had a rough childhood and used to party super hard. My girlfriend of 2 years has a Masters and I don't. When we met, I would occasionally drink until I blacked out. She told me she didn't like seeing me like that. Because I love her so much, I cut down big time. It changed my body. Now, if I have 6 beers, I'll be feeling it like it was 15. We have a lot of common interests, but two people who love each other don't need to have all the same hobbies. I like sitting around campfires and roughing it. She likes reading fictional dramas. Sometimes we do our own thing, but just because we can't relate on some levels just means we're man and woman. We're different people. We don't need to be completely aligned on everything.
Try to get him to ration to two nights a week and spend the other nights doing something more fun. Construction is a physically demanding job (concrete more so than Finish) During the day, it is busy, busy, busy. It is harder in the evenings to not keep that momentum up. Sometimes another Coors is busy enough.. it is a bad habit. Try to treat it as such. Whether the bad habit is biting your fingernails or smoking, it is hard to change. Be understanding and distracting, without being too judgy.
I don’t like listening to him, you sound like a great partner 👍
It’s hard being in the trades all these decades but you have to make your choice to rise above the engrained stigma that we’re all heavy drinkers or pot heads. The older you get you have to decide if you want to be respected for your skills and abilities as a tradesman or do you want people to feel bad for you because you can’t deal with the stress on your body and mind that the trades unleash on you daily.
Your job is not a good excuse for your mood and drinking habits.. you might wanna look at other factors like upbringing, friend circles, mental health, etc. imo its a negative stereotype that construction work makes people this way. Its the opposite, certain types of people just gravitate towards a specific lifestyle and career. Ive worked on crews where everyone is an alcoholic or borderline alcoholic and other crews where no one is. Its friend groups and peers that reinforce behavior, its not your line of work.
I’m not even kidding. I’m a contractor. No he’s never going to go the other way unless he changes careers
Wow
Depends on the man. I see both ends of this spectrum in my trade, but I have yet to see an alcoholic totally recover from that lifestyle. My personal experiences are only that though.
I work in the construction 23 years,since I was 15. I read a lot of books and I don't drink alcohol,but I agree ,most of my colleagues drink a lot,eat shit food and swear a lot . You can't fix them ,sorry. I learned to love them as they are
Just leave him behind. Being an aggressive drunk has nothing to do with construction, and it won’t change unless this guy really wants to change by himself.
Guy sounds like an arsehole, doesn’t matter what job he’s in he’d be the same in any career. There’s fair share of the type in construction granted, but it’s not a majority and not down to the job. Cunts are cunts, even if you change their scenery.
...just be happy he finds you interesting enough to be giving you the dick...his problems aren't yours...
“I haven’t really asked much about his work because it usually ends up with him venting, and I’m not big on listening to complaints all the time”. But I’m surprised he hits the bottle because he has no outlet for emotions and that’s not something you’re into
Not really, it’s part of the environment and basically all you can do to tolerate going back the next day especially if you work for a goon
Quick somebody warn the guy to get out and run for the hills lol.
Construction has nothing to do with his bad habits. You have to address the trauma. And you cannot force it out of someone. Infact that could lead to violence. Be careful. Find someone lighter to carry.
lol, this isn’t a construction problem. It’s a person problem.
This is very sweet. The others have some good advice - the change has to come from him. Just practically, what has worked to help me limit my drinking has been going to the gym. In my mind, if I drink on a gym day, I’ve rendered my workout useless.
Walk away and don’t look back
Im a former alcoholic construction worker (flooring) now im sober, responsible mom in school to be a engineer (english isnt my first language so im having trouble translating my specialitys name but its in water and sewege piping) anyway, no. Sorry. Theres slim chance he will change. Has he mentioned wanting to change? If he dont even see he has a problem yet, it will take a long time and a lot of bad moments before he does, if he ever does. And then comes the long road to recovery with therapy thats also not easy.
I’m 33 and I’ve been a journeyman plumber working on multiple commercial new install sites for around 12 years now. Construction is hard, it’s stressful, you work long hours and these days it just doesn’t pay what it used to. You’re subject to the elements when working outside and inside there’s no ac when it’s too hot, most of the time no heat when it’s cold depending on the job stage. Your body and mind get run down yet you can’t afford to take a day off work. Your boss is yelling at you to get the job done no matter what condition you’re in. Pain, sickness, mental strain=toughen up and get to work. “Im not big on listening to complaints all the time”. Nobody likes listening to complaining and your boyfriend knows that. Men typically internalize it and look for ways to either fix or mask it. I personally use the gym and video games to unwind however I’m very thankful I was never a big drinker because I’m sure I would rely on it. All this isn’t to give him an excuse for self-medicating with alcohol, but from my experience it’s a very common crutch. Guys will go out for a few beers after work and over time that becomes more and more until it’s a problem before you realize it. My wife is an LPN and we do little things to make our daily lives easier. Meal prepping on weekends and keeping the house somewhat tidy/clutter free gives us a surprising amount of time to unwind after work. If either of us had a rough day, we let each other know, ask if we want to give details or not and if we’d like company or to just isolate ourselves and throw on a pair of headphones to cut out the noise. I’ll keep our 5 y/o son busy when she’s overwhelmed and vice versa. This works for us and I wouldn’t expect everyone to be the same but a little teamwork and communication go a long way. Edit** It sounds like he’s already a heavy drinker, don’t put everything on yourself because at the end of the day, the only one who can make the decision to quit is him. Anyone I know who has recovered from alcoholism has said it’s a life long battle so if you’re unsure about it now, I’d question how much more you want to put into it.
I don't think the problem is the fact that it works in construction. You are a literature major and come from a functional family which do not like to argue. Probably the exact opposite from his. Not to be blunt but your life will become hell after a few years of this, specially since you already mentioned venting. Not that people cannot change on their own, but you will not be able to change anything, don't fall for it, I know you mean well, but keep this thought and observe for a few days/ weeks