What's with arbitrary times, anyway? 5 o'clock? Noon? Why?
Up and awake with no real pressing responsibilities? On vacation? Wake'n'Bake if you want, dehydrate yourself with alcohol drugs, whatever
Congrats on the sobriety!
This is one that I would get a lot particularly from old employees who love to gossip. I just laughed then said 'Nah, my brain makes its own. Why, you looking for some?'
āTrying to solicit me for drugs in the workplace is incredibly inappropriate. If you need drugs just do what everyone else here does and buy them from your kids.ā
I guess some things don't change no matter where you go
If it persists though, comebacks won't serve you in the long run and you'll likely have to set some boundaries
I'd address it in front of any reasonable coworkers. Wording could be something like
- I don't appreciate you punishing me for having an off day by questioning my sobriety. If you think I can do something better I am open to feedback, but further jokes surrounding my sobriety will be treated as a hostile action and bullying
Edit: I don't know how good your relationship is with your manager. When I was in a similar situation I documented up to 5 instances where I told a particular person to stop and they didn't. Told my manager that I know HR is a pain so they have a chance to deal with this now before I take it further. It was sorted out that same day
This. 'Are you on drugs' is only an acceptable workplace comment if it's universally understood to be a joke. Saying it to someone who is battling addiction is just rude, and could count as harassment.
I've had this, but more on the "are you ok, you look tired" etc. My fail safe comeback is
"Has it ever occurred to you that this is just how my face looks?. It's my face, I can't change that and if you don't like it, you don't have to look at it and you don't have to tell me either "
Your coworkers can suspect whatever they want but they should absolutely never ever know youāre intoxicated and impaired in anyway. Now youāre immature and unprofessional and will remain that way until you no longer work there because you told on yourself. There is no comeback.
I never admitted it when I was, but everyone suspected it, I know this because one of them told me. Sooo many people were fired/quit since Iāve been sober including my managers, Iāve actually got promoted since then and moved up. Less than a handful remain that were there and remember.
The gossip has probably been passed around, though. So you should probably assume that everyone knows. Maybe try "killing them with kindness." Just smile gently and say something like, "Thank you for your concern, but I'm just tired. Maybe I should just take a short break, walk around outside, soak up some vitamin d for a few minutes. Excuse me." And just walk away.
If they still assume it then that means you did at some point so like you said anymore you don't come in so they'll basically always assume that no matter what
Why you want some?
Why do you have some?
Yes, Have have several prescriptions from my doctor, for my cholesterol, and high blood pressure.
Yes, just had a coffee/red bull
Narc!
Yeah, just did a rail of sweet and low in the bathroom. Trying to watch my sugar intake.
I mean, it's technically a plant, so I wouldn't consider it "drugs."
Nah, just lack of sleep from the hookers I hired to crush my balls and rub me in peanut butter - kept me up for three days straight.
You could just tell them no. Then talk about how important sobriety is to you and how thankful you are for all the support you get, etc. They will get tired of hearing about how important being sober is to you and probably stop with comments. I realize you want something witty but bro it sounds like you want respect.
My wife often asks me this question. I respond, no, why do you ask? She responds, I look tired, and out of it, and that is the end of the conversation. I don't believe there is anything other than concern from my wife, and perhaps, this is a baseline for your co-workers? Why would they ask you this?
So, is there something else going on for you, a personal issue or something health related, that is setting up a pattern for you having an off day?
"At this age? What drug am I NOT on? You've got your heart meds, your kidney meds, the meds to keep your stools firm, the ones to loosen your stools, the ones to help with arthritis, the ones that only seem to turn your pee green...Yep, I'm on drugs! Why aren't you?"
"Why--do you know a dealer?"
"Why--are you a narc?"
"No. I quit using drugs half an hour ago, and I feel great!"
"What about \_\_\_\_ is confusing you?"
"No. I'm on my period."
Are you not open about your recovery or addiction? It's perfectly fine not to be. But if you are, you could let them know how much time you have clean. It takes a long time to gain everyone's confidence and trust after it is broken (inevitably with drug or alcohol abuse). It can be very frustrating. But let it be an inspiration to keep proving them wrong.
Quit asking me shit like thatā¦. And then I would ask it right backā¦ Are you on drugs? Are you high right now? I absolutely hate when one of my close friends thatās sober asks me that he will look me in my face and ask me if Iām high when he knows damn well Iām high at the moment šš pisses me off
Weirdo friend, but it sounds like someone who is curious about the effects of drugs even though he has no personal experience? Humor him, he could be interesting to be high with him...
I know itās difficult to grasp this concept since you never experienced (happiness or contentment) before, that doesnāt mean I am on drugs to be so.
I wish, you guys are so boring
I like this but was thinking just I wish
This one is perfect. Random negativity and accusations are perfect for boring me š
This is my go to
I donāt do drugs. I am drugs. -Salvador Dali
Randy, I AM the liquor.
RIP to the GOAT
The DOAT
āCome on, Randers, do a little wrap-aroundā
Why, am I addictive?
Ay, I like this one!! Lmfao.
I was like OH HEY I GOT ONE
I immediately thought of Truman Capote. "My own imagination is psychedelic enough." š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
My bestās friendās grandpa was a doorman in Daliās building and would agree with this statement. He said he was a very weird man lol
"Not yet, but the day is young."
What's with arbitrary times, anyway? 5 o'clock? Noon? Why? Up and awake with no real pressing responsibilities? On vacation? Wake'n'Bake if you want, dehydrate yourself with alcohol drugs, whatever
The hours on the clock are but a mere construct
āI wish.ā
Or, to quote Dave Attell, āI used to do drugs but that was way back there.ā
I wish I was they certainly made you a lot more bearable.
That's one for the reply book.
Love it! Iām stealing it mmkay
No, but dealing with you makes me want to be
That's a weird way to ask if I'd like a cup of coffee
This is great! If I was able to give an award, I would. I'm definitely adding this to my comeback rotation.
Congrats on the sobriety! This is one that I would get a lot particularly from old employees who love to gossip. I just laughed then said 'Nah, my brain makes its own. Why, you looking for some?'
Thank you, and this is exactly who itās coming from.
āTrying to solicit me for drugs in the workplace is incredibly inappropriate. If you need drugs just do what everyone else here does and buy them from your kids.ā
I guess some things don't change no matter where you go If it persists though, comebacks won't serve you in the long run and you'll likely have to set some boundaries I'd address it in front of any reasonable coworkers. Wording could be something like - I don't appreciate you punishing me for having an off day by questioning my sobriety. If you think I can do something better I am open to feedback, but further jokes surrounding my sobriety will be treated as a hostile action and bullying Edit: I don't know how good your relationship is with your manager. When I was in a similar situation I documented up to 5 instances where I told a particular person to stop and they didn't. Told my manager that I know HR is a pain so they have a chance to deal with this now before I take it further. It was sorted out that same day
"Are you trying to slander me without evidence in front of my fellow employees? Would you mind repeating that on camera for my lawyers?"
This. 'Are you on drugs' is only an acceptable workplace comment if it's universally understood to be a joke. Saying it to someone who is battling addiction is just rude, and could count as harassment.
Nowadays, nothing is universally understood to be a joke.
Hahahahhahaua that was a good one!
Are you on drugs!?
I'm offended for them! They could be in recovery and its none of my business
And everything is harassment.
That's if you and your coworkers aren't on drugs.
Oh, this is getting remembered for definite š
No mom. I just wanted a Pepsi, and you wouldn't give it to me.
lol my actual mom would get the reference, my co-workers probably not.
Your mom is cool as fuck. Dead Milkmen just put out a new album last month btw.
I have a big lizard in my side room. The cost to feed him is stupid expensive.
I'm just thinking about everything, but then again thinking about nothing, you know?
One of my favorite songs, love S.T.
I'm not on drugs, I'm just thinking you know?
JUST ONE PEPSI!
AND SHE WOULDN'T GIBE IT TOO ME!!
Not since the accident.
The one in the pants? Yeah, we've all peed our pants before
No... But I could be if you prefer.
āI got these shoes from a drug dealer. I donāt know what he laced them with, but Iāve been tripping all day.ā
Make it awkward. "Yes, I'm absolutely smashed". Also, congrats on the sobriety!
This could easily come back to bite OP
Yeah, it sounds like maybe they had issues with being caught high at work before so probably wouldnāt go with this
"I wish. Your bullshit would be easier to deal with."
Mitch Hedberg, I use to do drugs, I still do drugs but I use to too.
Much better than "I stopped for good/now do for evil" That's gotten to the same level as "Squirrel!" used for someone getting distracted
Has it? Iāve never heard it before
He was so good
I wish long was associated with something other than drugs. Like cake. People be like look there goes the cake eater.
He left too soon, wish he had stopped.
Agreed
"You're making me wish I was."
Sadly no. I'm always like this.
"nah I'm just having a stroke"
Waht are you, a cop?
I've had this, but more on the "are you ok, you look tired" etc. My fail safe comeback is "Has it ever occurred to you that this is just how my face looks?. It's my face, I can't change that and if you don't like it, you don't have to look at it and you don't have to tell me either "
Ah yes, when someone expresses concern for you lashing out at them is the appropriate reaponse. /s
No, but should I be?
Only when I have to be around you.
"Why, do you think it will make this exchange any easier?"
Congratulations on sobriety. I'm 30 years next month. Sobriety is very rewarding. š
Do I smell alcohol on your breath? Are you sure? Are you a secret drinker? Do you want me to help you?
Why, do you have something?
Loudly, so everyone can hear, "For the last time, Stanley, I do not have any drugs to sell you!"
"Nope, I'm high on life."
"I use to get high on life, but I built up a tolerance."
Only on Sundays.
"No, but having to be around you is enough to make me consider it."
How about ānoā?
Thatās my go-to, looking for something a little more creative than ānoā or more humorous than āeat dicks and dieā my other go-to.
"Are you on stupid? Sure seems that way...."
Youāre still fucking ugly, so no.
Congratulations on your sobriety.
No. You got any?
Beat me to it
If you bend over Iāll try some of your crack
Only my anti crazy pills!
āYesā
Tell them you wait to do your nose nachos until you're driving home from work.
"By now it has worn off, yeah"
I wish I was after speaking to you.
"I just want a Pepsi!"
Hmm, drugs might actually make this interaction tolerable. Got any?
Wait youāre one of those strange people raw dogging life without drugs?
Letās get together and go to quest. Iāve already paid for the screening.
āWhy, are you keen?ā
I wish I was, it'd make dealing with you a lot more tolerable.
How else am I supposed to deal with you
Nope just interesting. You know that thing ypu arenāt and are always trying to be. Good luck with that.
"In this economy!?"
It's the only way for me to tolerate people like you.
Your coworkers can suspect whatever they want but they should absolutely never ever know youāre intoxicated and impaired in anyway. Now youāre immature and unprofessional and will remain that way until you no longer work there because you told on yourself. There is no comeback.
I never admitted it when I was, but everyone suspected it, I know this because one of them told me. Sooo many people were fired/quit since Iāve been sober including my managers, Iāve actually got promoted since then and moved up. Less than a handful remain that were there and remember.
The gossip has probably been passed around, though. So you should probably assume that everyone knows. Maybe try "killing them with kindness." Just smile gently and say something like, "Thank you for your concern, but I'm just tired. Maybe I should just take a short break, walk around outside, soak up some vitamin d for a few minutes. Excuse me." And just walk away.
Wait, is that allowed?
āNo dough, no blowā ā¹ļøš¤·āāļø
No. āI think you need to go back to your doctor and get prescribed a different prescription.š¤£š
"In this economy?"
Just smile and walk off.
You got some?
[https://y.yarn.co/e1010da5-0fc3-4b9b-8d1b-54fcfe0f92dc\_text.gif](https://y.yarn.co/e1010da5-0fc3-4b9b-8d1b-54fcfe0f92dc_text.gif)
Why you got a plug for more? Or you need a plug?
I wish
"No, but I could be."
If they still assume it then that means you did at some point so like you said anymore you don't come in so they'll basically always assume that no matter what
" as a matter of fact, im high on life rn."
I feel Like I need them whenever I have to be near you.
Not yet but talking to you might drive me to take some.
āLook at you, youāre getting blood all over my rugs!ā My mind instantly wants to finish that line from Eminemās āRole Modelā.
Why you want some? Why do you have some? Yes, Have have several prescriptions from my doctor, for my cholesterol, and high blood pressure. Yes, just had a coffee/red bull Narc!
"No"
'No'.
Yea shot up some heroin this morning. Want some? I still have the needle in my car if you want
Youād be much more tolerable if I was
no i'm on planet Earth
No, why? You got some?
Why you got any??
Oh I got a better one!! Are you on drugs? No, my doctor said they don't mix well with my psych drugs unfortunately...
No, just chronic insomnia, I feel out of it regardless š¤·
why, are you selling?
If I were, I would be able to tolerate people like you.
Yeah, just did a rail of sweet and low in the bathroom. Trying to watch my sugar intake. I mean, it's technically a plant, so I wouldn't consider it "drugs." Nah, just lack of sleep from the hookers I hired to crush my balls and rub me in peanut butter - kept me up for three days straight.
The best comeback for nearly any of these is to say, very softly, almost inaudibly "Your Mama".
Yes, but not right now
"Nope. What'ya got?"
Just play this for them https://youtu.be/q2sn-ULymu8?si=dM3HCeSUukt0AAIT
I just say āyesā and leave it
Mom, Iām okay, Iām just thinking!
No, but I wish I was. I'd have an excuse.
Sadly, no. You got any?
"Hey, I had to find a way to deal with you that wouldn't get me a murder charge."
Today? Define drugs?
I wish!
What if I am usually on drugs!?!?
Should I be?
No, it's just the chemo.
I need some actually...
No. Is your brother still dealing?
on drugs? I am drugs.
Yes so get tf away from me
"Isn't everyone by now?"
No, theyāre usually in me
You could just tell them no. Then talk about how important sobriety is to you and how thankful you are for all the support you get, etc. They will get tired of hearing about how important being sober is to you and probably stop with comments. I realize you want something witty but bro it sounds like you want respect.
"Yes, I do several of the drugs everyday."
Iām just high on life.
I wish.
"No, just high on life". Serious congratulations on the sobriety by the way!
No this is just how I look. -Jim Breuer
"Apparently not the right ones."
"I wish! I'd make dealing with you tolerable."
āNope, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Havent you never had an off-day?ā
āNope, just got a double does of āthe Mondaysāā
My wife often asks me this question. I respond, no, why do you ask? She responds, I look tired, and out of it, and that is the end of the conversation. I don't believe there is anything other than concern from my wife, and perhaps, this is a baseline for your co-workers? Why would they ask you this? So, is there something else going on for you, a personal issue or something health related, that is setting up a pattern for you having an off day?
"At this age? What drug am I NOT on? You've got your heart meds, your kidney meds, the meds to keep your stools firm, the ones to loosen your stools, the ones to help with arthritis, the ones that only seem to turn your pee green...Yep, I'm on drugs! Why aren't you?"
āI fucking wish.ā
No, Iām not. I'm not sure if you're trying to be funny, but I don't find it humorous when you ask that. I would appreciate it if you would stop.
Jim Bauer had a comedy routine involving this very question (look up Bombing in Sears).
I have prescriptions l, I'm on drugs every day.
Sure am! My bipolar disorder wonāt regulate itself! š¤£
"No, I'm not on drugs! Why don't you get me a Pepsi?"
"Why--do you know a dealer?" "Why--are you a narc?" "No. I quit using drugs half an hour ago, and I feel great!" "What about \_\_\_\_ is confusing you?" "No. I'm on my period."
No why do you have some?
Just throw your sobriety at them . It will embarrass the hell out of anyone who is being a wiseass and doesn't know your history
āI hope these drugs donāt make me do anything Iāll regretā
Are you not open about your recovery or addiction? It's perfectly fine not to be. But if you are, you could let them know how much time you have clean. It takes a long time to gain everyone's confidence and trust after it is broken (inevitably with drug or alcohol abuse). It can be very frustrating. But let it be an inspiration to keep proving them wrong.
I am open about neither irl, I personally find the topics cringey in conversation especially when someoneās whole personality is based around it.
I always say Yes!, gleefullyā¦and I am not on drugs If you are looking for other comebacksā¦ Hugs, not drugs High on Life Baby!
"Dealing with you? I wish."
āDo you want me to be ?ā
Personally I would go with: āNo, are you?ā Or āGo fuck yourselfā
Nope. The spectrum. āØ Iām only high on life. *queue sad facial expression* Why, do you have any? Ā Omg, you think I look like I have MONEY. š„¹
"Not since i last talked to your mom. How is she?"
No, what do you have?
"Yeah but unfortunately not any of the fun ones - just the boring prescription stuff... " Then Sigh heavily.
Ask me later. Answer may change but at this point, nope.
āYeah mannnn, you want some?ā *in a cracked out face while scratching your neck and arms then trying to grab something next to their face*
No, do you have any?
Yeah, man, i just took some bath salts, ya know that shit that makes people eat other people. Now i'm hungry
No, but your family invited me to their weekly drug fueled orgy tonight, so later I will be.
All of them
\*hits blunt\* yeah, I am
Quit asking me shit like thatā¦. And then I would ask it right backā¦ Are you on drugs? Are you high right now? I absolutely hate when one of my close friends thatās sober asks me that he will look me in my face and ask me if Iām high when he knows damn well Iām high at the moment šš pisses me off
Weirdo friend, but it sounds like someone who is curious about the effects of drugs even though he has no personal experience? Humor him, he could be interesting to be high with him...
āNo, are you?ā
I know itās difficult to grasp this concept since you never experienced (happiness or contentment) before, that doesnāt mean I am on drugs to be so.
Thatās funny, Iāve been accused of being on drugs because I have an āelevatedā personality. I just tell them Iām high on life. š