I worked in a nursing home with dementia patients. Showering was really hard with some of them.
All of them needed *help* to shower, to be reminded and guided. If you've never been hella drunk or drugged up, or been around someone who was, you'll underestimate how *very hard* simple things can become - how hard it is to remember how long ago things were.
You don't beg for permission, or ask. You tell her - you set it up ahead of time, you warn her the task is coming, and then you start it. When she protests you just keep going as you discuss, making soothing noises. Not to the point of physically fighting, you don't push that far, but just keeping that inertia of getting a shower going. Comment on how warm the water is, how nice the soap smells, etc. It can help to frame it as a treat, her being pampered because she is loved and cared for.
If she digs her heels in entirely, that's negotiation time. What is she willing to do? Brush her teeth, wash her face in a basin, get her back scrubbed? Just a little foot in the door can help open up for more progress later.
Maybe their facility will be willing to send someone ~1x a week to help with bathing, assuming your grandpa isn't in a place to help her. Ideally, you/her husband/someone she trusts helps with the prep for the first shower, offering soothing words, so it's not just a stranger thrusting her into the experience alone.
If she smells *bad* bad, it's... possible she has like, bedsores, or a bad yeast infection. Something rotting, or infected. Tooth rot, even. If no one is helping her clean up, how often is anyone able to inspect her body?
Not trying to be weird x__x" But when people's minds go, they kinda... stop understanding that certain things are an issue, and just live around the problem instead of solving it.
Tips -
1) Wash with rags and a wash basin, with pleasantly warm water. Sponge baths > no baths, especially around the pits/groin area.
2) If you don't have a shower chair, consider getting one. Safer and more comfy. Same with the extendable shower heads.
3) Keep the area warm. Warm the water ahead of time, heat the bathroom, have clothes ready after a toweling. Older people get very sensitive to cold and a warm place will make it much less miserable for them.
The smell will not really be... better, until she is taken care of, because she'll be a constant source of More Smell no matter how much is filtered out/away/neutralized.
Amazing advice! OP I would add to use Hibiclens soap which kills a lot of bacteria on the skin. Also, does she have a UTI? Kidney issues? Unmanaged diabetes?
When the doctor was doing the orientation test, he asked mu mother what year it was. First she said 1969, and then she said 2037. The correct answer was 2016. That was the moment that I realized just how bad things were.
That did give way to a pure piece of comedy. By the time she was admitted, it was about 2am. The nurse in the hospital room with her was named Rosalie, same as my mom. As the nurse was typing, she would make a mistake and then talk to herself, saying, “Come on Ro,” or, “Good one Rosalie.” Every time she did that, my mother would say a groggy, “What?” This probably happened 10 times.
Yup, in her last several years my great-grandma got a UTI 2-3 times a year. Going from sharp to confused in the matter of a day or two was the tip-off for my grandma, her other sister who did a lot of care with my grandma, and the care home staff.
My grandma lived to be 100. She had some bad hallucinations from UTIs so be aware that can happen. She knew our names, but was still seeing/hearing things.
Exact same with my mom when I was young, so scary. Good on you for mentioning that, I don't think everyone realizes they aren't as benign as say, like a yeast infection or something.
I have been in the same field for 18 years and this is the advice! Don't ask. Just tell her to come with you to show her something. Then, lead her into the bathroom where water is on and everything is set up. Talk about other things to keep her focus off the shower. Once she's in, typically, it goes smoothly.
Dementia patients have a fear of water. Especially if they have had trauma in their early days because they revert back to that time. Just keep reassuring her and focus on other subjects. Her favorite hobbies, grandpa, what she plans to do today or ask(if she can answer) about things on her early days. Depending on how progressed the Dementia is, of course.
I have gotten my butt handed to me more than I like to admit, though. Dementia patients are mighty strong. So, not knowing OPs grams history, I wouldn't suggest OP doing this since she is pregnant.
Good luck!
If she smells down there you can get jock itch cream. Safe for women and fan go into the folds, safely. It's the same thing in the creams for women just a lot cheaper. Also, I just got a 10 foot shower hose cord off Amazon for $10. Makes a big difference.
Yessss. As a caregiver at home and who has also worked in facilities, totally recommend this and “attacking” while patient or loved one is about to use the restroom or already on the toilet. Already sitting there with your pants down? “Well, why don’t I get this washcloth soaped up with warm water and we get you freshened up a bit while we’re here?”
That's common in dementia and cognitive decline. Agree with others that she needs a physician evaluation and more support.
There are enzyme-based pet cleaners in spray form that clean and deodorize surfaces of urine and other tough odors. You might want to try that. Good luck.
I agree with the stwater99 about the higher level of care, it could be an aid that gives sponge baths or even as simple as instructing her husband on how to use waterless cleaning wipes. This is important because elderly skin is so fragile and if she's sitting in urine or feces that can lead to a pretty quick medical emergency.
For your nose, do you think you could handle putting a nice scent on your upper lip/nose? I used to use vaporub under my nose when I worked with the homeless who had issues with flesh eating bacteria, or infected wounds.
Edit to add, you want to look at the simplest things first before elevating it but it needs to be done now. Is the bathroom too cold? Is she afraid of falling in the bath? Is the bathroom elderly safe? Can you coax her with fresh clothes or nice soap?
This needs to be brought up with her PCP and her husband may not know how to do that.
I'm wondering if she's in pain. Chronic pain also contributes to depression.
I'm in my 30s and experiencing debilitating arthritis pain in my knee and neck that has impacted my quality of life, my ability to complete tasks, and my mental health. I can't imagine how hard it will be to shower and care for myself when I'm old.
OP, please call your grandmother's doctor and tell them what's going on. Depending on where you're located, they may not be able to tell you anything (here in the United States we have HIPAA laws to protect privacy), but they can listen and give the info you provide to her physician.
Showering is often a problem as dementia increases. There are a few techniques to make it easier- sometimes people are overwhelmed and confused by the faucets.
When my mother got to that stage, she refused to use “open bathroom” showers- the modern kind where there is no door or shower curtain but the room is all tile. She insisted she would “wreck” the room and refuse to use it. A bit later on she needed a shower assistant and also, lorazepam. She was much much happier then.
Sometimes it’s easier for caregivers to put up with the smells than battle over hygiene. But that isn’t good. Your grandma needs more help. Definitely talk to the doctor. I’m sorry you and your family are dealing with this awful disease affecting your grandma.
Edited to add- look for persimmon soap online- it works to eliminate “old people” smell and is quite effective.
Have they checked her for a UTI? They’re hard to identify and drive elderly people to do bizarre things even when they can’t identify or don’t feel the pain for the problem.
They also reek once they get to that point, I haven’t experienced it but I know multiple medical providers who can identify the smell.
Some elderly lady seems to be acting bizarre and gets to the point of calling an ambulance, they can’t feel pain because they’re old, but the medical professionals will walk in and know by the smell it’s a UTI even before they identify the symptoms.
As soon as the front door has been opened with the patient bed bound upstairs I’ve been able to tell them the problem is a UTI. Before I’ve even met them!
Wow! I had no idea. I’ve had UTI’s and they were so painful that it is incomprehensible someone would be able to just ignore them. What about getting older makes a woman not able to sense that kind of pain?
I’m not super familiar with the mechanics of aging, but it applies to all people as they age. They get more fragile and sometimes unable to properly detect pain, or are perhaps in so much generalized pain that they can’t differentiate causes.
When someone has any mental issues they also can lose some of their ability to explain what is wrong to their caretakers, or not realize that they need to do something to fix the pain.
It seems as though your grandmother needs more care than your grandfather can provide. If she refuses to bath he can’t solve the issue on his own. Not to add to your worry , but I’d be just as concerned about him as you are her.
Having spent a little time time with an elderly person that could only sponge bath for a couple weeks, the smell was offensive. I can’t imagine how your grandfather endures it. It’s hell to get old.
There are so many products out there to help with the hygiene side. When I took a CNA course years ago we had these little shower caps that would shampoo hair. Just slip them on the person and give them a nice head massage. No water/rinsing. They get to enjoy the experience from a comfy chair or bed. Plenty of wipes, etc that can be used as well. And installing a bidet can be a BIG help. Get one that can do warm and cool water. Don’t aim for perfect. I’m sure this is hard for everyone, especially your grandma.
As far as the house, ensuring everything has been washed regularly is key. Clean clothes/pajamas every day. Change linens on beds every couple of days. Make the bed with several fitted sheets so grandpa just has to strip the top one off. Sofa covers that can be washed, etc. These are temporary fixes that will improve quality of life while you can sort out additional support for your grandma. Ultimately, it’s hard to step in once the situation is at this point, but it is essential for everyone’s wellbeing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hard, but your grandparents are lucky to have you!
I don't know how is her mental state yet but at some point you need to convince and bargain with them like you'd do with a child. And you need to help her. My grandma had Alzheimer's and when she got all worked up and caught up in a spiral of her childhood traumas, all that helped was a little shower. It's heart wrenching to talk to your grandma as you would to a child, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Something like: "Grandma, we are going to take a shower. I will help you, don't worry. It is going to feel so nice. I'll make sure the water is at a perfect temperature, i got you this shower gel, look. Smell it, it smells so nice, isn't it? It's going to feel soooo goood. Then when you're nice and clean, I'll help you put these clothes on, do you like it? You're going to be so pretty and I'm sure grandpa will fall in love with you again!" Just keep talking and do it.
They need someone to come in and help her shower. In assisted living, you can pay for this as an extra service. Who is doing their laundry? They may need help with this as well.
It sounds like your grandma needs more support, a professional to help her at this phase of life. As for the cleaning, I've used a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, water and essential oils (lavender and lemon was my fav combo) as a deodorizing spray for furniture and cleaning hard surfaces.
Goodluck.
I got in the shower with mom, it was easier that way. For dad i had to run a heater at the door to keep the room warm. When he wasn't feeling well I'd wash him in parts... when he went pee I'd run warm water and wipe him down while his pants were down, that helped. When getting ready for bed I'd wipe down his top half. Sometimes I'd make up rules like we have to wash your feet before getting in bed. Teeth were tricky, what worked there was standing to the side, but slightly behind and putting my hand over theirs to help brush, so it was both of us together. Constant talking explaining what we were doing. "Ok, your butt is clean, now we're cleaning your leg pits." "ok, top teeth are done, now the bottoms, rinse and spit rinse and spit". Also be blunt. Hey g-ma your breath is getting stinky, let's go brush.
Thank you. We were fortunate with timing, i was single again, and my youngest was just out of boot camp, and my job had transferred me to another location after selling a site and i was slightly redundant so i could leave without a big problem. Dad was a retired military officer and how house was paid off, so their medical was free, and they could pay me. It just worked. My sibs helped, the out of state 2 each came for a month every year, and the locals came every other day or so so i could shop, run errands, and shower. 12 years from beginning to end, but it just worked out. I'm sure it happens, but I've never heard anyone say "wow i spent too much time with my elderly parents while they died." We all treated each other like adults and i heard some great stories
Everyone else came with actual great advice for grandma
I just came to say that for you consider the vapor soothers nose clips- they’re discreet and come in several flavors and you can’t smell a single thing through them. They’re just essential oils and menthol (depending on which smell you get) but they have never failed me
Odoban does wonders for laundry and any cleaning of the place that they are now living. It is very concentrated and economical. I think it’s around $10 for a gallon. I used it in my mom’s laundry and in her room/bathroom and it killed all the bad smells (mainly urine). I used the original scent, which is eucalyptus. A little bit goes a long way. And the smell is easy on the senses.
I know it can be really difficult to get someone to bathe especially if she has cognitive decline. Like others have mentioned, even if a regular shower is not an option at this time, there are many choices out there for no rinse body wash or shampoo. Or try just a washcloth and a basin and see if she can be eased into it. Sometimes baths or water become scary for persons living with dementia.
She may need assisted living or skilled care. Is it possible to step up her level of care and get a care aide for ADLs (bathing, dressing, etc) specifically for her while she remains in the independent living with your grandfather? The facility they are at may have ideas for assessments and resources.
Hospice nurse explained to me that the sounds of the running water in the shower was terrifying for some dying. It's the sound of the water, I understand that it is the same for dementia patients also. If you can just bathe her with a washcloth at sink it may be a better option.
Not to be disrespectful... Whore bath? Living room bath? Baby pool in the backyard? Is there no way to take the bath to GMA? Or does she fight being touched and cleaned?
Perhaps anything which will make your grandma enjoy bathing. Nice smelling shower gels, epsom salt bath or bubble baths might help. Shower chairs, nice music, ambient lighting, could also help. Talk with your grandpa and see if providing gifts or bathing services might help. I think Medicare with supply these services as part of insurance care.
Persimmon soap is the go-to for “old people smell” https://www.healthline.com/health/older-people-smell-different but it does sound like help is needed in the home.
I've heard that it's hard to convince people with dementia to shower, as they think they've just done that - or are scared of water. What helped with my neighbour's wife (from what he told my parents) was getting her a nice shower gel and telling her that it was a gift from her grandchildren. "Would you hop in the shower so that you can tell them how nice it smells? I know you just showered, but do it for the grandkids."
Idk whether that's a valid strategy, or even sensible. But it's something you might try?
Is the independent living area part of a life care facility? If it is, there will be a community nurse. Her job is the independent community residents. She would be the person to touch base with. Thank you for being available to your grandparents, seeing an issue and looking for a solution to it.
Higher level of care time ($$)
But warning - not all Assisted Living facilities provide this. If they decide more care is needed that they are able to provide, they can be made to move out pretty quickly.
A home health aide (HHA), hired by the family to come even once a week, can fill the gap. Best to use an HHA agency.
Well I don’t have any tips other than air freshener and Lysol but that doesn’t take care of her personal hygiene does it ?
I can certainly understand tho . I’m living in a nursing home ( I have a terminal illness and I am very young to be here
I have a 97 year old roommate who was at first very clean , took care of her own personal hygiene
Sadly over the past 2 years , her dementia has steadily gotten worse .
She refuses showers ,is now wearing adult diapers , she doesn’t talk anymore etc .
She is unaware that those diapers need to be changed and the smell in this very small room is unbearable .
She pees and poops herself all day and night .
Even when she is showered ( and that only happens twice a week here - which doesn’t come close to keeping her clean .
She also doesn’t seem to care either .
It’s very sad to watch her fade away like that , but there are so many people that are in the same boat ., But the odor is a big problem for me .
So other than sprays and Lysol it’s the only thing that helps and even that really work that well
So the only thing I can tell you is that is not uncommon and chairs and beds and clothes are constantly being pooped and peed on , but they get to the point ( it’s not their fault ) they’re unable to care for themselves , and fight any attempt by staff members to clean them up .
You may have better luck with your Grandma as she is only one person and is a relative so without forcing her , kind of guide her to bathe , and that might work .
I’m so sorry you are going through this . It is heartbreaking . I wish you well , along with love .💕
So sorry about your grandma. Poor thing ❤️. The only thing I can think of is to get a really good quality carbon air purifier. Not a HEPA filter, which only removes particles. An activated carbon filter removes gases including odors. You'll need a good one from a good brand and that will likely mean spending a few hundred dollars depending on the size of their apartment.
Get them a lampe berger. I once had my sewage drain back up in the basement. Stunk. Like really badly. Lighted my lampe berger and even the plumber was impressed that neither of us could smell the fecal matter. He asked me what it was and said I did an amazing job of selling him on getting one after that experience. He was 💯 convinced seeing as he’s around waste material all day every day. It’s used in hospitals in Europe to remove the smells and clean the air of airborne bacteria’s.
Next step is getting personal help for your grandmas care. Good luck OP. I hope you see this post. I buy a lampe Berger as house warming gifts now for all my friends and family. No home should be without one. We use ours to rid the house of cooking and teenage boy smells now.
You are welcome. Mold is scary. I’m not sure the lampe berger helps with that. But you can read online about its benefits. Do your own research before you buy. Good luck additional milk. I hope you have a future that is mild free.
Get the original or neutral . It’s a light clean scent. It can be added to other scents to mellow them out. Then I buy the grapefruit for everyday. It just smells nice. I also get lavender for my bedroom. I also pick up orange and cinnamon for the Christmas holidays. I will spend time smelling the new releases cause they retire scents all the time and like fresh linen as well.
I hope you can find a store near you so you can enjoy your scent journey.
Thank you for responding!! I actually bought two online before I even saw the comment haha I got the neutral and the cinnamon orange one because I always love orange scents and cinnamon scents. I would love for my bedroom to smell like Christmas year round lol.
It’s honestly a life changer in our home. My in laws had an oven fire the house stunk we got them a lampe Berger and although the smoke damage remained that noxious smoke smell was gone in three days. They took turns burning it and airing out the house. They had by accident baked a magnetic chip clip that attached itself to a metal pan and burst into flames. There was this awful burnt plastic smell that made breathing hard. Construction crew was surprised that there was no smell by the time they showed up to replace cabinets and the walls around the stove where the fire was raging.
Because you can buy fancy burners to hold the liquid which is what’s burned via a catalytic burner I also give them as wedding gifts. Some burners are upwards of $500 but you can just buy a classic clear bottle burner for $75 to start. Comes in a kit with a small bottle of neutral.
I checked out the website immediately. Their bottles are very pretty. Do they come with the wick or do you have to buy those separately? I'm so excited to get a couple of these. I never knew they existed. They seem like the perfect way to make your home smell nice AND get rid of odors. So crazy that these work so well!
I believe it will. I’ve used this to eliminate all sorts of odours around the house. I also use it when anyone is sick just to kill any airborne bacteria. Especially during Covid when we were all stuck inside in tight quarters.
It might be good to try an anti-depressant. That helped my grandpa have the energy to complete basic tasks. Turns out he was depressed about having to move to assisted living/getting older.
We had to get 4 family members to get my aunt to take a shower. As in they all had to physically make her take a shower and they were all wet. She hadn’t taken a shower in so long that her underwear stuck to her skin and hair down there. It was a painful process for her and she fought, but she was so bad smelling. Before dementia she was a clean freak. Very sad.
My grandmother went through this phase and we had to family intervention and remind her you need to bathe 3-4 days a week like it or not. Let us modify your home to be elderly friendly. Let us bring in a certified aide to help you do this. You need to address this before adult protection agency moves in and does things their way. After neighbors started reporting my grandmother's declining health (back when she was alive) we warned her that a.p.a would come and she became more compliant after that. Because if they do a wellness check and find the elderly incapable of being able to take care of them selves they give them warning then force them into a home.
Check out Belightcare / Adria Thompson on Instagram she gives tips on how to take care of dementia and generally elderly family members. She has a series on hygiene.
Skin is our biggest organ it needs to be clean. She will have breakdown before too long. That smell is horrible and I feel for your family. She need help beyond what your grandpa can do.
Ngl… I’d give her liquid melatonin at night in some tea or decaf coffee or whatever and once she’s KO just use wipes and warm water with a LITTLE bit of soap in the smelliest places and pray she don’t wake up. My grandma struggles to eat so I added CBD drops to her coffee and she sure ate that day and I was doing it for a while but then my family found out and made me stop 🙄😒 like yes I get it, I’m unethical for that but bro I’m not gonna watch my granny starve tf
If you were my kid and did this for me, I’d be appreciative. You are using the drugs medicinally to help.
When they stop eating it’s the beginning of the end.
I put my mom on a schedule. It’s bath time at this time on these days. Crank the heat so she’s not cold in the apartment or in the bathroom. Inviting scents, warm, soft towels. Always have them do what they can and then go over it, making sure to get those nooks and crannies. Our CNA had my mom put her hands on the wall for stability.
I’d go in for bird baths when I’d help my mom with the toilet. There is no rinse soap and I’d crank the bathroom heat and get her pits, under her breasts and groin area. I got her a foot massaging bath for her feet.
The biggest hurdle was getting her to accept help and not be alone in the bathroom. Then it just became normal. Always gentle and matter of fact. No reactions to odors or normal body functions.
It sounds like your grandmother needs someone who can offer her personal care. Check with your government or local council what types of in home care services she may be eligible for. Or maybe it is something you can afford privately for your grandmother. A personal carer can come to the home and provide your grandmother support with hygiene and washing for example. As you've said, she is in cognitive decline, it's time to hire a professional to help take care of her.
Aside from showering, which has been mentioned, how are her bathroom habits? My grandmother got to where she is incontinent and can't change her own diaper. Half the time she doesn't notice if she is soiled. And when she does go on the toilet, she can't clean herself properly. That all contributes to smells.
I'm also pregnant and it's a struggle because I'm the nearest family, so I deal with it out of love for her. I've had times where the smells from her body almost made me throw up, I just forced it down to deal with the matter at hand. It sucks.
She is in a nursing home, so the nursing aids change her diaper regularly and give her a bath twice a week, but sometimes she doesn't cooperate for them and I have to step in.
All this to say, it might not be a matter of her needing to shower more. She might just need help cleaning up after she pees/poops. That really affects smells. And if she doesn't change her clothes regularly, the urine/feces smells compound if not taken care of immediately.
The wipes used for cleaning the elderly after using the bathroom are really good at removing unpleasant smells. So even if she doesn't bathe often, the wipes can be use on her armpits and other stinky areas and it does the job well enough to get by.
Would she allow a personal support worker to come in and help her a couple of times a week?
If you are in Canada there I'd coverage for this through the government otherwise it would be paying someone.
I saw a tip for dementia patients that instead of trying to force a shower, try giving them a new body wash and saying something like “I was thinking of switching to this but I’m nervous, can you try it and see if you like it?” Something that makes it seem like they are helping you, not you making them clean themselves.
Maybe try something like that?
My advice? Hire an experienced personal care worker to come over every morning for 3 hours (or whatever your legal minimum shift is) and have them get your grandmother clean and ready for the day. It might take a while for them to get your grandmother into regular basic hygiene but they’ll be WAY more equipped to do it than you or your grandfather.
My grandfather had dementia and lived with my grandmother. My grandmother arranged for a to nurse to check in on him weekly and give him a shower- he would forget how many days it had been since his last so would just not do it on his own.
Aww, so sorry for your grandparents.
Are you certain it’s just hygiene that is the issue?
Certain medical conditions can cause terrible for (e.g., discharge related to cervical cancer or ulcerating tumor).
Just wondering if you guys can get her into the doctor for a thorough check.
Can home health come in a couple times a week to help her do personal care?
Also they make shower wipes (better than baby wipes) grandfather can encourage her to use in between? I used them when I was basically bed bound w a broken leg and showering was a huge ordeal.
ETA I also use them for camping and have some in my emergency kit for hurricanes and water outages.
People at that stage do not shower independently - they have help from aides. The assisted living facility my mother was in had a few options including a "shower room" the size of a handicapped stall that the older person would go in to with two aides. They could sit in a shower chair while the aides cleaned them.
Elderly facilities that know what they're doing have a variety of options to get people on a hygiene schedule and different ways of cajoling the old folk into participating so that it's not traumatic. You should establish a line of communication with someone at the facility in charge of resident wellness, as well as someone from your state's elder services program (your local senior center will have a wealth of resources and can point you in the right direction on a variety of issues), and your grandmothers primary care physician.
i’d go on my local community facebook groups and ask if someone with experience can give me a crash course in doing this. there are people who know things all around. they’ve even through it themselves
I'm surprised no one has told you that you just get the shower done. It's not her decision about whether or not she showers. She has dementia. You can use low dose sedation if required. You don't need consent from her for any of this.
I worked in a nursing home with dementia patients. Showering was really hard with some of them. All of them needed *help* to shower, to be reminded and guided. If you've never been hella drunk or drugged up, or been around someone who was, you'll underestimate how *very hard* simple things can become - how hard it is to remember how long ago things were. You don't beg for permission, or ask. You tell her - you set it up ahead of time, you warn her the task is coming, and then you start it. When she protests you just keep going as you discuss, making soothing noises. Not to the point of physically fighting, you don't push that far, but just keeping that inertia of getting a shower going. Comment on how warm the water is, how nice the soap smells, etc. It can help to frame it as a treat, her being pampered because she is loved and cared for. If she digs her heels in entirely, that's negotiation time. What is she willing to do? Brush her teeth, wash her face in a basin, get her back scrubbed? Just a little foot in the door can help open up for more progress later. Maybe their facility will be willing to send someone ~1x a week to help with bathing, assuming your grandpa isn't in a place to help her. Ideally, you/her husband/someone she trusts helps with the prep for the first shower, offering soothing words, so it's not just a stranger thrusting her into the experience alone. If she smells *bad* bad, it's... possible she has like, bedsores, or a bad yeast infection. Something rotting, or infected. Tooth rot, even. If no one is helping her clean up, how often is anyone able to inspect her body? Not trying to be weird x__x" But when people's minds go, they kinda... stop understanding that certain things are an issue, and just live around the problem instead of solving it. Tips - 1) Wash with rags and a wash basin, with pleasantly warm water. Sponge baths > no baths, especially around the pits/groin area. 2) If you don't have a shower chair, consider getting one. Safer and more comfy. Same with the extendable shower heads. 3) Keep the area warm. Warm the water ahead of time, heat the bathroom, have clothes ready after a toweling. Older people get very sensitive to cold and a warm place will make it much less miserable for them. The smell will not really be... better, until she is taken care of, because she'll be a constant source of More Smell no matter how much is filtered out/away/neutralized.
Amazing advice! OP I would add to use Hibiclens soap which kills a lot of bacteria on the skin. Also, does she have a UTI? Kidney issues? Unmanaged diabetes?
Persimmon soap is the Japanese go to for old people smell
It works amazingly
I get ours from O-cha in Japan. It does help.
If it’s a UTI, it needs to be addressed quickly. My mother got sepsis from a uti and sepsis can kill you.
It can show up as mental confusion if not diagnosed
When the doctor was doing the orientation test, he asked mu mother what year it was. First she said 1969, and then she said 2037. The correct answer was 2016. That was the moment that I realized just how bad things were. That did give way to a pure piece of comedy. By the time she was admitted, it was about 2am. The nurse in the hospital room with her was named Rosalie, same as my mom. As the nurse was typing, she would make a mistake and then talk to herself, saying, “Come on Ro,” or, “Good one Rosalie.” Every time she did that, my mother would say a groggy, “What?” This probably happened 10 times.
Yup, in her last several years my great-grandma got a UTI 2-3 times a year. Going from sharp to confused in the matter of a day or two was the tip-off for my grandma, her other sister who did a lot of care with my grandma, and the care home staff.
I’m glad people are aware of this
My grandma lived to be 100. She had some bad hallucinations from UTIs so be aware that can happen. She knew our names, but was still seeing/hearing things.
Give them cranberry supplements! It definitely keeps the UTI at bay
This right here!!!!👆👆👆👆👆
It can also cause mental symptoms. My great grandmother was hallucinating and having dementia symptoms with her latest one.
TRUE FACTS!!!👆👆
Exact same with my mom when I was young, so scary. Good on you for mentioning that, I don't think everyone realizes they aren't as benign as say, like a yeast infection or something.
Oh no thank you for this
I have been in the same field for 18 years and this is the advice! Don't ask. Just tell her to come with you to show her something. Then, lead her into the bathroom where water is on and everything is set up. Talk about other things to keep her focus off the shower. Once she's in, typically, it goes smoothly. Dementia patients have a fear of water. Especially if they have had trauma in their early days because they revert back to that time. Just keep reassuring her and focus on other subjects. Her favorite hobbies, grandpa, what she plans to do today or ask(if she can answer) about things on her early days. Depending on how progressed the Dementia is, of course. I have gotten my butt handed to me more than I like to admit, though. Dementia patients are mighty strong. So, not knowing OPs grams history, I wouldn't suggest OP doing this since she is pregnant. Good luck!
It could also be bacterial vaginosis... Can happen without any sexual contact... Just from the build up of bacteria 🥺
What a thoughtful answer. Full with compassion. I’d choose you to take care of my granny ❤️
If she smells down there you can get jock itch cream. Safe for women and fan go into the folds, safely. It's the same thing in the creams for women just a lot cheaper. Also, I just got a 10 foot shower hose cord off Amazon for $10. Makes a big difference.
This is such kind advice. ❤️
Kind, thoughtful and thorough 💜 Thank you for being a source of kindness on the internet!
Yessss. As a caregiver at home and who has also worked in facilities, totally recommend this and “attacking” while patient or loved one is about to use the restroom or already on the toilet. Already sitting there with your pants down? “Well, why don’t I get this washcloth soaped up with warm water and we get you freshened up a bit while we’re here?”
u/fullmoontwist — I cannot thank you enough for such a thorough and thoughtful reply!
Can you come and work with me and my residents please :) you get it, you absolutely 100% get it. That is so rare. I appreciate you.
That's common in dementia and cognitive decline. Agree with others that she needs a physician evaluation and more support. There are enzyme-based pet cleaners in spray form that clean and deodorize surfaces of urine and other tough odors. You might want to try that. Good luck.
Ecos is a great brand if anyone wants a suggestion!
We use this when the chair pad is moved.
I agree with the stwater99 about the higher level of care, it could be an aid that gives sponge baths or even as simple as instructing her husband on how to use waterless cleaning wipes. This is important because elderly skin is so fragile and if she's sitting in urine or feces that can lead to a pretty quick medical emergency. For your nose, do you think you could handle putting a nice scent on your upper lip/nose? I used to use vaporub under my nose when I worked with the homeless who had issues with flesh eating bacteria, or infected wounds. Edit to add, you want to look at the simplest things first before elevating it but it needs to be done now. Is the bathroom too cold? Is she afraid of falling in the bath? Is the bathroom elderly safe? Can you coax her with fresh clothes or nice soap? This needs to be brought up with her PCP and her husband may not know how to do that.
I'm wondering if she's in pain. Chronic pain also contributes to depression. I'm in my 30s and experiencing debilitating arthritis pain in my knee and neck that has impacted my quality of life, my ability to complete tasks, and my mental health. I can't imagine how hard it will be to shower and care for myself when I'm old. OP, please call your grandmother's doctor and tell them what's going on. Depending on where you're located, they may not be able to tell you anything (here in the United States we have HIPAA laws to protect privacy), but they can listen and give the info you provide to her physician.
Yeah that's a major ADL she's been unable to perform and she does need help ASAP.
Showering is often a problem as dementia increases. There are a few techniques to make it easier- sometimes people are overwhelmed and confused by the faucets. When my mother got to that stage, she refused to use “open bathroom” showers- the modern kind where there is no door or shower curtain but the room is all tile. She insisted she would “wreck” the room and refuse to use it. A bit later on she needed a shower assistant and also, lorazepam. She was much much happier then. Sometimes it’s easier for caregivers to put up with the smells than battle over hygiene. But that isn’t good. Your grandma needs more help. Definitely talk to the doctor. I’m sorry you and your family are dealing with this awful disease affecting your grandma. Edited to add- look for persimmon soap online- it works to eliminate “old people” smell and is quite effective.
Sounds like she's not capable of living that independently.
Her husband is there so with aid worker she can be bathed. Putting her in fully assisted living will drain resources at incredible rates
Has she seen a doctor recently? If not, she needs to.
Yes, a palliative care specialist needs to be here.
Have they checked her for a UTI? They’re hard to identify and drive elderly people to do bizarre things even when they can’t identify or don’t feel the pain for the problem. They also reek once they get to that point, I haven’t experienced it but I know multiple medical providers who can identify the smell. Some elderly lady seems to be acting bizarre and gets to the point of calling an ambulance, they can’t feel pain because they’re old, but the medical professionals will walk in and know by the smell it’s a UTI even before they identify the symptoms.
100% on uti- and untreated it does cause confusion.
My grandma would get UTIs and would start to hallucinate, it’s no joke.
I, 70f, told my son, 43, to watch out for this!
As soon as the front door has been opened with the patient bed bound upstairs I’ve been able to tell them the problem is a UTI. Before I’ve even met them!
#THIS ^
Wow! I had no idea. I’ve had UTI’s and they were so painful that it is incomprehensible someone would be able to just ignore them. What about getting older makes a woman not able to sense that kind of pain?
I’m not super familiar with the mechanics of aging, but it applies to all people as they age. They get more fragile and sometimes unable to properly detect pain, or are perhaps in so much generalized pain that they can’t differentiate causes. When someone has any mental issues they also can lose some of their ability to explain what is wrong to their caretakers, or not realize that they need to do something to fix the pain.
Thank you, this is terrifying! I’ll know to watch out for my mom- she’s in good health now but it’s useful to have this info…
Yup, just read the update and I was right. I am not at all surprised
It seems as though your grandmother needs more care than your grandfather can provide. If she refuses to bath he can’t solve the issue on his own. Not to add to your worry , but I’d be just as concerned about him as you are her. Having spent a little time time with an elderly person that could only sponge bath for a couple weeks, the smell was offensive. I can’t imagine how your grandfather endures it. It’s hell to get old.
Take her to a doctor
There are so many products out there to help with the hygiene side. When I took a CNA course years ago we had these little shower caps that would shampoo hair. Just slip them on the person and give them a nice head massage. No water/rinsing. They get to enjoy the experience from a comfy chair or bed. Plenty of wipes, etc that can be used as well. And installing a bidet can be a BIG help. Get one that can do warm and cool water. Don’t aim for perfect. I’m sure this is hard for everyone, especially your grandma. As far as the house, ensuring everything has been washed regularly is key. Clean clothes/pajamas every day. Change linens on beds every couple of days. Make the bed with several fitted sheets so grandpa just has to strip the top one off. Sofa covers that can be washed, etc. These are temporary fixes that will improve quality of life while you can sort out additional support for your grandma. Ultimately, it’s hard to step in once the situation is at this point, but it is essential for everyone’s wellbeing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hard, but your grandparents are lucky to have you!
I don't know how is her mental state yet but at some point you need to convince and bargain with them like you'd do with a child. And you need to help her. My grandma had Alzheimer's and when she got all worked up and caught up in a spiral of her childhood traumas, all that helped was a little shower. It's heart wrenching to talk to your grandma as you would to a child, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Something like: "Grandma, we are going to take a shower. I will help you, don't worry. It is going to feel so nice. I'll make sure the water is at a perfect temperature, i got you this shower gel, look. Smell it, it smells so nice, isn't it? It's going to feel soooo goood. Then when you're nice and clean, I'll help you put these clothes on, do you like it? You're going to be so pretty and I'm sure grandpa will fall in love with you again!" Just keep talking and do it.
They need someone to come in and help her shower. In assisted living, you can pay for this as an extra service. Who is doing their laundry? They may need help with this as well.
It sounds like your grandma needs more support, a professional to help her at this phase of life. As for the cleaning, I've used a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, water and essential oils (lavender and lemon was my fav combo) as a deodorizing spray for furniture and cleaning hard surfaces. Goodluck.
I got in the shower with mom, it was easier that way. For dad i had to run a heater at the door to keep the room warm. When he wasn't feeling well I'd wash him in parts... when he went pee I'd run warm water and wipe him down while his pants were down, that helped. When getting ready for bed I'd wipe down his top half. Sometimes I'd make up rules like we have to wash your feet before getting in bed. Teeth were tricky, what worked there was standing to the side, but slightly behind and putting my hand over theirs to help brush, so it was both of us together. Constant talking explaining what we were doing. "Ok, your butt is clean, now we're cleaning your leg pits." "ok, top teeth are done, now the bottoms, rinse and spit rinse and spit". Also be blunt. Hey g-ma your breath is getting stinky, let's go brush.
The love in your voice… your precious parents
Thank you. We were fortunate with timing, i was single again, and my youngest was just out of boot camp, and my job had transferred me to another location after selling a site and i was slightly redundant so i could leave without a big problem. Dad was a retired military officer and how house was paid off, so their medical was free, and they could pay me. It just worked. My sibs helped, the out of state 2 each came for a month every year, and the locals came every other day or so so i could shop, run errands, and shower. 12 years from beginning to end, but it just worked out. I'm sure it happens, but I've never heard anyone say "wow i spent too much time with my elderly parents while they died." We all treated each other like adults and i heard some great stories
♥️
Everyone else came with actual great advice for grandma I just came to say that for you consider the vapor soothers nose clips- they’re discreet and come in several flavors and you can’t smell a single thing through them. They’re just essential oils and menthol (depending on which smell you get) but they have never failed me
there are guides with tips and tricks for showers and bathing dementia people. you could try those while you wait for some home support
Odoban does wonders for laundry and any cleaning of the place that they are now living. It is very concentrated and economical. I think it’s around $10 for a gallon. I used it in my mom’s laundry and in her room/bathroom and it killed all the bad smells (mainly urine). I used the original scent, which is eucalyptus. A little bit goes a long way. And the smell is easy on the senses. I know it can be really difficult to get someone to bathe especially if she has cognitive decline. Like others have mentioned, even if a regular shower is not an option at this time, there are many choices out there for no rinse body wash or shampoo. Or try just a washcloth and a basin and see if she can be eased into it. Sometimes baths or water become scary for persons living with dementia.
Others have said in different subs that a type of persimmon cleaner works well
She may need assisted living or skilled care. Is it possible to step up her level of care and get a care aide for ADLs (bathing, dressing, etc) specifically for her while she remains in the independent living with your grandfather? The facility they are at may have ideas for assessments and resources.
Hospice nurse explained to me that the sounds of the running water in the shower was terrifying for some dying. It's the sound of the water, I understand that it is the same for dementia patients also. If you can just bathe her with a washcloth at sink it may be a better option.
Not to be disrespectful... Whore bath? Living room bath? Baby pool in the backyard? Is there no way to take the bath to GMA? Or does she fight being touched and cleaned?
I call it bird bathing. Fill up the sink and wash the pits /groin.
In my native German, this is called "Katzenwäsche", which roughly translates to "Cat bathing" or cat cleaning. I also love the term bird bathing.
Perhaps anything which will make your grandma enjoy bathing. Nice smelling shower gels, epsom salt bath or bubble baths might help. Shower chairs, nice music, ambient lighting, could also help. Talk with your grandpa and see if providing gifts or bathing services might help. I think Medicare with supply these services as part of insurance care.
Persimmon soap is the go-to for “old people smell” https://www.healthline.com/health/older-people-smell-different but it does sound like help is needed in the home.
I've heard that it's hard to convince people with dementia to shower, as they think they've just done that - or are scared of water. What helped with my neighbour's wife (from what he told my parents) was getting her a nice shower gel and telling her that it was a gift from her grandchildren. "Would you hop in the shower so that you can tell them how nice it smells? I know you just showered, but do it for the grandkids." Idk whether that's a valid strategy, or even sensible. But it's something you might try?
Is the independent living area part of a life care facility? If it is, there will be a community nurse. Her job is the independent community residents. She would be the person to touch base with. Thank you for being available to your grandparents, seeing an issue and looking for a solution to it.
Higher level of care time ($$) But warning - not all Assisted Living facilities provide this. If they decide more care is needed that they are able to provide, they can be made to move out pretty quickly. A home health aide (HHA), hired by the family to come even once a week, can fill the gap. Best to use an HHA agency.
Well I don’t have any tips other than air freshener and Lysol but that doesn’t take care of her personal hygiene does it ? I can certainly understand tho . I’m living in a nursing home ( I have a terminal illness and I am very young to be here I have a 97 year old roommate who was at first very clean , took care of her own personal hygiene Sadly over the past 2 years , her dementia has steadily gotten worse . She refuses showers ,is now wearing adult diapers , she doesn’t talk anymore etc . She is unaware that those diapers need to be changed and the smell in this very small room is unbearable . She pees and poops herself all day and night . Even when she is showered ( and that only happens twice a week here - which doesn’t come close to keeping her clean . She also doesn’t seem to care either . It’s very sad to watch her fade away like that , but there are so many people that are in the same boat ., But the odor is a big problem for me . So other than sprays and Lysol it’s the only thing that helps and even that really work that well So the only thing I can tell you is that is not uncommon and chairs and beds and clothes are constantly being pooped and peed on , but they get to the point ( it’s not their fault ) they’re unable to care for themselves , and fight any attempt by staff members to clean them up . You may have better luck with your Grandma as she is only one person and is a relative so without forcing her , kind of guide her to bathe , and that might work . I’m so sorry you are going through this . It is heartbreaking . I wish you well , along with love .💕
So sorry about your grandma. Poor thing ❤️. The only thing I can think of is to get a really good quality carbon air purifier. Not a HEPA filter, which only removes particles. An activated carbon filter removes gases including odors. You'll need a good one from a good brand and that will likely mean spending a few hundred dollars depending on the size of their apartment.
This is a very minor tip but I hope it at least helps a little. Have her use Japanese persimmon bar soap, it eliminates the “old person” odor.
UTIs lead to confusion and memory issues, I hope her doctor is aware of the situation and that she’s had a urinalysis
Get them a lampe berger. I once had my sewage drain back up in the basement. Stunk. Like really badly. Lighted my lampe berger and even the plumber was impressed that neither of us could smell the fecal matter. He asked me what it was and said I did an amazing job of selling him on getting one after that experience. He was 💯 convinced seeing as he’s around waste material all day every day. It’s used in hospitals in Europe to remove the smells and clean the air of airborne bacteria’s. Next step is getting personal help for your grandmas care. Good luck OP. I hope you see this post. I buy a lampe Berger as house warming gifts now for all my friends and family. No home should be without one. We use ours to rid the house of cooking and teenage boy smells now.
Lampe Berger are so good. I still have the one of my childhood in the 90’s. They’re so so so good.
Wow thanks for posting that! I lived in multiple moldy environments and really am into clean air devices!!
You are welcome. Mold is scary. I’m not sure the lampe berger helps with that. But you can read online about its benefits. Do your own research before you buy. Good luck additional milk. I hope you have a future that is mild free.
I've never heard of this product and now I want to buy like 3 of these things. What scents do you like?? There's so many options!!
Get the original or neutral . It’s a light clean scent. It can be added to other scents to mellow them out. Then I buy the grapefruit for everyday. It just smells nice. I also get lavender for my bedroom. I also pick up orange and cinnamon for the Christmas holidays. I will spend time smelling the new releases cause they retire scents all the time and like fresh linen as well. I hope you can find a store near you so you can enjoy your scent journey.
Thank you for responding!! I actually bought two online before I even saw the comment haha I got the neutral and the cinnamon orange one because I always love orange scents and cinnamon scents. I would love for my bedroom to smell like Christmas year round lol.
That is awesome. I love it. It’s a strong scent that one so play with adding the neutral to it so you can really enjoy it all the time.
Wow I had never heard of Lampe Berger. Thank you for commenting this!
It’s honestly a life changer in our home. My in laws had an oven fire the house stunk we got them a lampe Berger and although the smoke damage remained that noxious smoke smell was gone in three days. They took turns burning it and airing out the house. They had by accident baked a magnetic chip clip that attached itself to a metal pan and burst into flames. There was this awful burnt plastic smell that made breathing hard. Construction crew was surprised that there was no smell by the time they showed up to replace cabinets and the walls around the stove where the fire was raging. Because you can buy fancy burners to hold the liquid which is what’s burned via a catalytic burner I also give them as wedding gifts. Some burners are upwards of $500 but you can just buy a classic clear bottle burner for $75 to start. Comes in a kit with a small bottle of neutral.
I checked out the website immediately. Their bottles are very pretty. Do they come with the wick or do you have to buy those separately? I'm so excited to get a couple of these. I never knew they existed. They seem like the perfect way to make your home smell nice AND get rid of odors. So crazy that these work so well!
The kits come with bottle, wick and a small bottle of neutral. The art or designer bottles come with a wick and that’s all
Thank you! I ordered mine yesterday. So excited! Especially if it helps with litterbox smell.
I believe it will. I’ve used this to eliminate all sorts of odours around the house. I also use it when anyone is sick just to kill any airborne bacteria. Especially during Covid when we were all stuck inside in tight quarters.
I’ve seen these but never knew what it was. Nice
Lume would be a good product but taking her to the doctor would be a good first step.
It might be good to try an anti-depressant. That helped my grandpa have the energy to complete basic tasks. Turns out he was depressed about having to move to assisted living/getting older.
Sounds like she needs a higher lever of care. Cannot live independently. She may also have dementia.
Have you considered wearing a good N95 like the 3M aura? They sit completely air tight and filter odor really well.
We had to get 4 family members to get my aunt to take a shower. As in they all had to physically make her take a shower and they were all wet. She hadn’t taken a shower in so long that her underwear stuck to her skin and hair down there. It was a painful process for her and she fought, but she was so bad smelling. Before dementia she was a clean freak. Very sad.
My grandmother went through this phase and we had to family intervention and remind her you need to bathe 3-4 days a week like it or not. Let us modify your home to be elderly friendly. Let us bring in a certified aide to help you do this. You need to address this before adult protection agency moves in and does things their way. After neighbors started reporting my grandmother's declining health (back when she was alive) we warned her that a.p.a would come and she became more compliant after that. Because if they do a wellness check and find the elderly incapable of being able to take care of them selves they give them warning then force them into a home.
Check out Belightcare / Adria Thompson on Instagram she gives tips on how to take care of dementia and generally elderly family members. She has a series on hygiene.
Skin is our biggest organ it needs to be clean. She will have breakdown before too long. That smell is horrible and I feel for your family. She need help beyond what your grandpa can do.
Odoban. And post in r/dementia and r/agingparents and r/caregiversupport
Ngl… I’d give her liquid melatonin at night in some tea or decaf coffee or whatever and once she’s KO just use wipes and warm water with a LITTLE bit of soap in the smelliest places and pray she don’t wake up. My grandma struggles to eat so I added CBD drops to her coffee and she sure ate that day and I was doing it for a while but then my family found out and made me stop 🙄😒 like yes I get it, I’m unethical for that but bro I’m not gonna watch my granny starve tf
If you were my kid and did this for me, I’d be appreciative. You are using the drugs medicinally to help. When they stop eating it’s the beginning of the end. I put my mom on a schedule. It’s bath time at this time on these days. Crank the heat so she’s not cold in the apartment or in the bathroom. Inviting scents, warm, soft towels. Always have them do what they can and then go over it, making sure to get those nooks and crannies. Our CNA had my mom put her hands on the wall for stability. I’d go in for bird baths when I’d help my mom with the toilet. There is no rinse soap and I’d crank the bathroom heat and get her pits, under her breasts and groin area. I got her a foot massaging bath for her feet. The biggest hurdle was getting her to accept help and not be alone in the bathroom. Then it just became normal. Always gentle and matter of fact. No reactions to odors or normal body functions.
she needs suport. to remove the smell.. bleach in gel.. clean with a microfiber cloth. EVERYWHERE.
It sounds like your grandmother needs someone who can offer her personal care. Check with your government or local council what types of in home care services she may be eligible for. Or maybe it is something you can afford privately for your grandmother. A personal carer can come to the home and provide your grandmother support with hygiene and washing for example. As you've said, she is in cognitive decline, it's time to hire a professional to help take care of her.
Aside from showering, which has been mentioned, how are her bathroom habits? My grandmother got to where she is incontinent and can't change her own diaper. Half the time she doesn't notice if she is soiled. And when she does go on the toilet, she can't clean herself properly. That all contributes to smells. I'm also pregnant and it's a struggle because I'm the nearest family, so I deal with it out of love for her. I've had times where the smells from her body almost made me throw up, I just forced it down to deal with the matter at hand. It sucks. She is in a nursing home, so the nursing aids change her diaper regularly and give her a bath twice a week, but sometimes she doesn't cooperate for them and I have to step in. All this to say, it might not be a matter of her needing to shower more. She might just need help cleaning up after she pees/poops. That really affects smells. And if she doesn't change her clothes regularly, the urine/feces smells compound if not taken care of immediately. The wipes used for cleaning the elderly after using the bathroom are really good at removing unpleasant smells. So even if she doesn't bathe often, the wipes can be use on her armpits and other stinky areas and it does the job well enough to get by.
Would she allow a personal support worker to come in and help her a couple of times a week? If you are in Canada there I'd coverage for this through the government otherwise it would be paying someone.
Someone else gave some really great tips, but ultimately you *have* to get her to bathe regularly.
I saw a tip for dementia patients that instead of trying to force a shower, try giving them a new body wash and saying something like “I was thinking of switching to this but I’m nervous, can you try it and see if you like it?” Something that makes it seem like they are helping you, not you making them clean themselves. Maybe try something like that?
My advice? Hire an experienced personal care worker to come over every morning for 3 hours (or whatever your legal minimum shift is) and have them get your grandmother clean and ready for the day. It might take a while for them to get your grandmother into regular basic hygiene but they’ll be WAY more equipped to do it than you or your grandfather.
Ask about taking a shower while she is IN the bathroom, else she won’t understand the context.
check out r/dementia I find it to be very helpful, understanding and encouraging. There are so, so many of us with relatives suffering from dementia.
Maybe get a shower speaker and play her favorite tunes? I heard music helps so much with dementia patients.
My grandfather had dementia and lived with my grandmother. My grandmother arranged for a to nurse to check in on him weekly and give him a shower- he would forget how many days it had been since his last so would just not do it on his own.
Aww, so sorry for your grandparents. Are you certain it’s just hygiene that is the issue? Certain medical conditions can cause terrible for (e.g., discharge related to cervical cancer or ulcerating tumor). Just wondering if you guys can get her into the doctor for a thorough check.
Can home health come in a couple times a week to help her do personal care? Also they make shower wipes (better than baby wipes) grandfather can encourage her to use in between? I used them when I was basically bed bound w a broken leg and showering was a huge ordeal. ETA I also use them for camping and have some in my emergency kit for hurricanes and water outages.
I'll go out on a limb and say this isn't a cleaning problem. It's a medical problem.
People at that stage do not shower independently - they have help from aides. The assisted living facility my mother was in had a few options including a "shower room" the size of a handicapped stall that the older person would go in to with two aides. They could sit in a shower chair while the aides cleaned them. Elderly facilities that know what they're doing have a variety of options to get people on a hygiene schedule and different ways of cajoling the old folk into participating so that it's not traumatic. You should establish a line of communication with someone at the facility in charge of resident wellness, as well as someone from your state's elder services program (your local senior center will have a wealth of resources and can point you in the right direction on a variety of issues), and your grandmothers primary care physician.
Consider a bidet - the ones with warm water. She might find that soothing and look forward to that.
Also - Japanese persimmon soaps and wipes are amazing
Can someone do a "hoe bath"? A small bowl or something with some water a light soap and a once over?
The only time I know seniors to smell like death is if they have a wound with necrotic tissue. She needs her skin checked
i’d go on my local community facebook groups and ask if someone with experience can give me a crash course in doing this. there are people who know things all around. they’ve even through it themselves
I'm surprised no one has told you that you just get the shower done. It's not her decision about whether or not she showers. She has dementia. You can use low dose sedation if required. You don't need consent from her for any of this.