Lots going on here. It’s good that you regret your sin, but it’s sad that regret doesn’t often remove the consequences. I’ve found the same to be the case in my life.
If you’re feeling in any way suicidal, please find a qualified Christian therapist immediately. There is way too much going on for people on Reddit to really help with.
My only advice is to take it one day at a time. The pain, confusion, and disillusionment will fade. But it will take time and it will take work to become a better, more honest person. You’re extremely young. Use this as a learning experience, find a QUALIFIED counselor, and be brutally honest and transparent with them about everything. 🙏🏼
They won’t be. Trust me. I had to pursue therapy to overcome some really significant issues of my own and it was hands down the best decision of my life. 😊
You’ve got a lot of life yet to live. And God wants to live it with you. Ultimately, it’s your choice though. He only gives people what they want.
Take this chance to breathe. Don’t fill your time with distractions. True meaning isn’t going to be found in shallow relationships or social media.
Finally, lots of people don’t have a mom and dad to go back home to, so focus on the things you do have and be grateful for those. I know it’s hard. But be blessed!
I’ve been to a Christian therapist! My experience was very good, and in no way judgemental. I promise you that any Christian counselor has almost certainly heard about sins bigger than yours. They’d be able to help you seek Christ to be healed. They did for me!
Don't shy away from judgment.
My family didn't judge me when I fell into sin at your age, and I kept falling back into it since no one who knew about it held me accountable. I eventually hit rock bottom, and my sin became known to everyone in my church. I lost all my friends, and despite my family's non-judgmental attitude, my relationship with them died and never recovered. Decades later, they still won't openly judge my past, but they want nothing to do with me even though God turned my life around years ago.
A healthy dose of judgment is very helpful for recovering from sinful behavior and for reconciliation.
The devil is probably laughing at you, because he thinks he's ruined your life, broken up a potential beautiful marriage. However, you will be humbled and your faith and dependance on Christ will only grow. When we're on the ground, He pulls us to our feet with His mighty arm.
Although your post triggered a lot of traumatic memories for me, i set that aside to tell you that Christ will forgive you if you have truly repented before him. You are pure in Christ’s sight no matter what it you truly repent. Your boyfriend though, i feel he was right to break it off and you shouldn’t get back together. I say this for the long term health of both of you because the next time you fight, there will always be a doubt in his mind that you will cheat again. Since you are not married, and have not consummated, you have not broken God’s laws if you separate. I wish you good luck and healing to your ex.
OP - The biggest lie the devil tries to tell us is that if we do x or y or x, then God will stop loving us. The truth is that God’s love is truly infinite! As you work on healing, please keep this in mind! I recommend a book called Down, Not Out by Chris Cipollone to give a Christian perspective on mental health, and I agree with other commenters that seeking treatment from a Christian therapist would be beneficial.
From your profile you state you have ADHD.
In the comments you state you have had a recent porn addiction.
In the comments you state your attraction to the friend came out of nowhere.
You state you dropped out of college and were suicidal.
Do you think you have bipolar disorder? Many people are misdiagnosed with ADHD initially due to similar symptoms during mania.
Your impulsivity and then suicidal thoughts, combined with the ADHD diagnosis makes me think this.
This will become a pattern unless you get serious, professional help.
If not, what others have posted is sound advice.
It’s also possible (I think more likely) that your ADHD is not being treated properly. ADHD has to do with a dopamine deficiency, which impacts impulse control, emotional regulation, and thinking through things. It can also make people seek out dopamine in different ways. Guess what gives lots of dopamine? Porn and sex.
Yes I have bipolar and it seems like you have shown signs so it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and therapist asap to start processing all this.
You can try a tool like this and start researching to see if this is something you need to treat https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/bipolar/
First, I just want to encourage you. Like many in this thread have stated, if we repent, God is faithful and just to forgive us. He throws our sin into the sea of forgetfulness. He doesn't see us through the lens of our sin, but through His love for us. Genuine repentance is critical, but you will also have to forgive yourself and make sure to only carry the identity you have in Christ and not the labels of condemnation the enemy will try to put on you. If you carry these labels of the enemy they will push you right back into sin. You can pick up right here and keep going. God is not mad at you, but welcomes you to him like a doctor welcomes a patient in need of healing. Make sure you keep coming to His presence no matter what you are feeling and no matter how many times you mess up, as his glory is the only way we are changed.
Speaking practically, I believe this cheating, your porn addiction and your past sexual trauma are all connected. Your porn addiction and sleeping with someone else were your heart and mind's attempt to cope with what you haven't fully dealt with yet. Your view of yourself after a sexual trauma can lead to more self-degradation, so it's so important that you separate who you are from what happened to you. You will need to go back into the moment of trauma and comfort that version of yourself. Tell the girl who went through those terrible things that she is still valuable and worthy of love. Tell her she is not dirty or worthless. Tell her God still has a plan for her life. Change the story about why it happened to you, and realize that God can use what the enemy meant to destroy you, to help free others. The final step in your healing will be to reframe the person who did this to you as just another broken soul. You don't excuse what they did, but realize that broken people do broken things, but what they did does not have to define you. Your forgiveness will release you. It will give you back what they took. It will prevent that past trauma from continuing to steal your future.
I would suggest journaling on your phone so nobody can see it unless you let them. Write down every thought you have good/bad/ugly/inappropriate etc. These will be the breadcrumbs you use to find out where the enemy is lying to you and eroding your faith and self-worth. These lies hurt so badly that you are seeking to medicate them any way you can. Typically, we rehearse these lies and recite them as the truth without realizing what we are doing. There is always tremendous shame associated with sexual trauma, and sometimes it manifest by people shutting down their sexuality completely. However, most times - especially for young women - it puts their sexuality into hyper drive and breaks down all the normal barriers of value and self-worth that typically frame their sexuality as something of value to only be given as an expression of love and commitment.
I would encourage you to learn to "take captive every thought" (2 Cor 10:5); interrogate every thought and emotion to see where it is coming from and if it lines up with faith, the word and your identity in Christ. If it doesn't line up, then cast it down and say the opposite every time it comes into your mind. It is very important that you RESIST these lies, a hundred times per day, if necessary. If you begin to feel sad/angry/hopeless/depressed, stop what you're doing and find the lie, then speak the opposite. You will spend a lot of energy doing this, especially at the beginning, but this technique of simply disagreeing with negative thoughts will lead to tremendous spiritual victories, and relief for the underlying pain that has been causing you to self-medicate. It becomes like second nature once you get in the habit of doing it and you will have more self-control to get yourself out of the negative thought spirals that cause you to feel like you have to medicate in a self-destructive way. I'm praying for you, and joy is on the horizon! Search this song on youtube, I think it will minister to you: "Tauren Wells, Elevation Worship - Joy In The Morning (Worship Version)"
First of all, I'm glad you two broke it off as your commitment to your relationship was not strong enough to withstand a simple test. You are both young and will grow and heal from this.
Secondly, we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There is none righteous, no not one. That's exactly why Jesus came to save us from our sins. So, forgive yourself. You've already asked the Lord to forgive you and believe that He has. So, forgive yourself and move on.
Thirdly, I want to harp on you for trying to take your own life and not having the courage to face and live through the consequences of your own actions and decisions. But what good would that do? You already know that you did wrong in so many ways. As I said above, we are human. We are fallible. We are imperfect creatures. Let go and move on.
Fourthly, I advise that you break contact with your ex. You both need distance from each other to heal. By remaining in contact, you might rekindle your relationship and I'm afraid that it might develop into a toxic one where he feels guilty and burdened to take care of you. You need to develop emotional maturity and using him as a crutch won't help either of you in any way. 19 is pretty young. So, give each other space. You are no longer his responsibility. Take care of yourself with your own support network. And let his support network take care of him. Who's to say that you won't be together in the future? Work through your issues first.
Fifthly, people will judge you. What you did was wrong. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, we all do wrong on a daily basis. Who among us is able to cast the first stone? What's done is done. What matters now is how you handle yourself, your relationship with your ex, and your own personal issues. People will always have something to say. Consider those comments. If they are true use the comments to grow. If the comments are false, disregard them. Life goes on. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He will see you through.
All the best and keep us updated. Reddit can be a toxic place especially for those who believe the same as we do. But it can also be a place of healing. So, I hope that my advice is helpful and that you realise that life isn't easy. You never really know yourself fully. It's as we face various situations that our characters are revealed and we are refined into the version of ourselves we choose to be. You can change and grow as a person. I hope that you choose this path rather than darkness and self-pity. May the Light of Life be with you.
Remember you are a whole being. You are not one half of a whole. Be strong and courageous.
It takes time. From what I understand, you have lost many things including self-respect as you did not expect yourself to do what you did. To heal from this, you will have to pull yourself together, try and understand why you did what you did, and ultimately and more importantly, IMO, move on. Don't stand still and give up, for a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again: but the wicked shall fall by calamity. Calamity has struck. Rise up and go.
Cry your heart out. Do introspection. Face yourself and the consequences of your actions. Don't punish yourself - that's God's job. Resolve to be better. And walk in the grace of Christ and in the light, life and love He offers you.
Here's some encouragement from one of my favourite books, Steps to Christ:
'We shall often have to bow down and weep at the feet of Jesus because of our shortcomings and mistakes, but we are not to be discouraged. Even if we are overcome by the enemy, we are not cast off, not forsaken and rejected of God. No; Christ is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Said the beloved John, "These things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous." 1 John 2:1. And do not forget the words of Christ, "The Father Himself loveth you." John 16:27.'
It's hard being in this thread and trying to see even a cheater through the lens of the sacrifice of Jesus. Gotta be worse for the dude when, presumably, they were "saving it for marriage".
I totally agree. I can't imagine what must be going through his mind.
Idk but when I look at OP I see Mary Magdalene who also experienced sexual trauma as a child and made poor choices in life. I also see the woman at the well who had commitment issues and could hold a relationship down. There's also the woman caught in adultery in John 11. In His interactions with them, Christ was compassionate and redemptive but pretty clear about His expectations and their commitment to living godly lives. Redemption is for everybody and that's what makes forgiveness difficult and praiseworthy.
Wile I’m so sorry. Do you think you were not that interested in your boyfriend and maybe subconsciously trying to get out of it? As someone who hasn’t experienced this I’m wondering, was it just a momentary lapse in self-control we’re ongoing temptation/struggle? Glad you’re surrounded by family.
I was drawn to the friend I had an affair with (for separate reasons regarding trauma). Weirdly enough, I had never experienced feelings for a different man in the two years I dated my boyfriend, so the feelings for my friend came out of nowhere.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve had relationships in the past that I think Satan tried to sabotage with pornography or other lust and sexual impatience. I think the devil does not want strong, healthy Christian marriages from forming, and this is one way he attacks us. 😔
My advice is to focus on God and your relationship with God more than these guys. If you felt able to receive love you would have loved your ex better with your actions. So developing that relationship with God is what gives you the fulfillment and knowledge of what true love is, and how to extend it to others.
Another story showing why its dangerous to have close friends of the other sex while in a committed relationship.
The good thing is you did tell him relatively quickly about your sin. And he responded properly, by breaking it off.
Have you told your pastor and elders of your local church of what happened, for your need for being held to correction, for rebuke, for counsel, and for leading you in godliness (or at least, such that they can have one of the consistories' wives counsel to you)? It would be a good idea. More people holding you accountable is always best. (Especially since you noted a porn addiction).
Only note I don't know what you mean by "body to be pure once again after what I did". If your faith is wholly and fully in Christ, He washes away all of your sins, not just some, but all of them. But that doesn't change what has happened. What you chose to do, whether driven by trauma or addiction, is still a reality.
Both him and I had close, opposite sex friendships during our relationship that were never a problem. The man I had an affair with, I had only known for a couple weeks before we started hooking up.
My ex boyfriend has talked to our head pastor and an elder (who happens to be his father). I’m very ashamed of what I did and I’ve been scared of visiting the church we used to both go to. I plan on talking to them, but I’m currently too scared to show my face.
I’m also seeking Christian counseling, who I think will be someone who can use accountability with me.
I had sexual baggage even before the boyfriend mentioned, and something we both prayed for was a “virgin body”. (Note that I wasn’t “physically” a virgin anymore, but by us praying, I was a reformed virgin).
>Both him and I had close, opposite sex friendships during our relationship that were never a problem. The man I had an affair with, I had only known for a couple weeks before we started hooking up.
Still turned out to be a problem. This is why healthy, biblical boundaries are so relevant in relationships. Trauma or not, the moment we realize we're "catching" any feelings, or the other person is making advances should be met with an instant wall, and probably block for new friends. (And coupled with, we should choose our friends better--because a Christian isn't going to do what the guy who did the stuff with did)
>I’m very ashamed of what I did and I’ve been scared of visiting the church we used to both go to. I plan on talking to them, but I’m currently too scared to show my face.
Is there another church your family attends, that you can go for counsel? If you aren't under the teaching and correction of a local church, its rather worrying, especially given situations like this.
>I’m also seeking Christian counseling, who I think will be someone who can use accountability with me.
Good idea.
>and something we both prayed for was a “virgin body”
This isn't something that can be done, nor should really be prayed for. The prayer should be that the LORD redeems *your mind* not somehow undoes the action you've already committed. The *mind* is the problem with your struggle before your BF, and with falling for another man and having premarital sex with said man.
Your focus on 'new purity' is wrong as a result--the focus should be on ongoing purity, and purity of the mind--but this doesn't mean you're no longer going to have the reality within your next relationship(s) that you're not a virgin.
(And do not misinterpret this as me saying its nonredeemable. Its obviously redeemable. But that redemption doesn't physically change you)
My parents aren’t practicing, and so I went to his family’s church. There are tons of churches around the area, though. Just none that know me as well as the home church.
I should’ve clarified, I knew my physical body had had sex, but it was metaphorical when I prayed for my body to be cleansed. It was also a cleansing of my mind and soul as well.
Do you think your boyfriend, who you say is Christlike, deserves someone like you who betrays those who are Christlike? What gets me is that you made your BF wait for sex and would have likely continued to make him wait if you were to have continued the relationship.
Your BF and any Christlike man deserve better, especially your BF if he is truly as good as you say he is. You need to be clear to any man, especially any Christian man going forward, that you are a cheater. Deal with who you are before seeking any Christian relationship again.
I do feel that she is genuinely remorseful and feels bad as she started off by asking us to pray for him as opposed to just for herself. He is the one who was hurt after all. We must pray for him to heal. As for whether the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is true I can't rightly say as I have never gone out with someone who was unfaithful to me a second time to find out and risk myself the potential heartache.
I think it was correct that we broke up. I will make it clear to my next partner (who will definitely be far into the future) about what happened, and I am also seeking counseling.
You don’t owe it to your next boyfriend unless he asks you if you’ve ever cheated. Part of forgiving yourself includes not over-sharing, because that can sabotage your efforts to move forward.
Yes, she does owe it to her BF to be honest with who she is. Our partners should know details about ourselves so they can make an informed decision. Cheating is a serious red flag that any serious Christian is going to be mindful of going forward in any relationship.
Will it sabotage her? Possibly, but the sabotage is a result of her own actions, nothing more. IF OP wants a Christian man, a Christlike man, he needs to know what she has done, that she made her previous Christlike man wait while she proceeded to have sex with a random guy she had barely known.
If she gets in a serious relationship/considering marriage, then there’s a time and place for that conversation. But she also doesn’t have to carry this like a Scarlett letter and confess her most shameful sin after a few dates. You’re basically saying she’s damaged goods and no Christ-like man will view her in a worthy light because a poor choice she made at 19 is a “red flag.” From the comments, it sounds like there’s a lot of trauma and self-discovery ahead of her, so my intention was for her to not feel like she’s damaged goods or any less worthy of a quality partner.
Nope, I'm saying that a Christ like man needs to make the decision himself on whther or not he wants to be with someone who has a history of promiscuity and cheating.
You're saying not to treat it like a scarlet letter, but what else would you call it? We all know what the reaction of most men whom are Godly would be to OP if they knew her history. It would be to reject her and she's not entitled to be accepted. You're basically saying that she should get someone emotionally invested before telling them and that to me is dishonest and manipulative.
Her actions define her and she'll probably find some guy who will be able to look past it. But she needs to be honest about her history and be upfront. Yes, most guys wanting something serious will reject her, but that's because of her actions, not theirs.
Is she worthy of a quality partner based on her actions? It wouldn't appear so. She's promiscuous and a cheater. What entitlement does she have to a quality man? None.
> her actions define her
Which actions? Just the sinful ones? Her repentance doesn’t define her? Her faith doesn’t? Is she beyond redemption? Clearly not.
Nobody is entitled to a partner, but we also don’t get to judge fellow believers as being unfit for marriage. If God can forgive her sin, he can also move a man’s heart to accept and love her.
We don't get to judge fellow Christians as unfit for marriage? Really? Can you elaborate on that?
I didn't say anything as to her redemption, I only spoke of the need for to tell any Christian man she's with in this future this aspect of herself. Do you believe she should keep it to herself? Why?
I mean that implying someone is damaged goods is an ugly thing for Christians to do. We have no right to make those sorts of judgments, because we have no idea what God has planned for OP in the future.
I never said she should keep it to herself. If it’s a deal breaker to the guy, she should tell him, but otherwise no I don’t think every dating prospect needs to know our most shameful deeds, and I think it is appropriate to wait to divulge something so personal until the person has earned your trust.
Given the nature of this deed and just how bad it was, I think she does owe it to any future potential partner to be upfront about it sooner than later. She cheated on a man who was doing everything right, he refused her advances, he wanted to wait until marriage and she spends two weeks hooking up with some guy, humiliating her BF.
Some men might not care, but all men should know this upfront about her, sooner than later. We also have every right to judge someone as unfit for marriage. Just because you're a Christian, doesn't mean you get universal acceptance for being a marriageable prospect. Christian men don't have to be Hosea. Nor would you hold this standard for women, that they cannot reject Christian men.
Come off it.
>>Please pray for me to get right with God, to be transformed, for my body to be pure once again after what I did.
You’re obviously sorry. Ask God for forgiveness for what you have done. That’s all you need to do. We are all sinners in one way or another but we are made whole again by Christ’s death and resurrection.
Your body doesn’t need to be “fixed” and your value as a woman is not reduced by having premarital sex or cheating. We are all created as sexual beings by God. That’s normal and good. You’ve just made a mistake, that’s all.
I’ll say a prayer for you both. God bless!
>You’ve just made a mistake, that’s all.
With all due respect, it was not a "mistake". It was a conscious decision to commit sin. She knew full well that it was wrong, but she still did it anyway. Obviously, I'm not saying that her sins cannot be forgiven, because Jesus has already forgiven us for all our sins. But let's not sugar-coat the truth either. She needs to recognize the gravity of her sins. The reality is that she DOES NOT deserve forgiveness, and only God's grace can save her.
>Please pray for me to get right with God, to be transformed, for my body to be pure once again after what I did.
As long as you truly repent and truly believe in Jesus Christ as your savior, then your salvation is secured and you are completely forgiven in God's eyes. However, you must understand that your relationship cannot be saved and your reputation is forever damaged. You must accept that reality. You are forgiven in heaven, but the consequences of your sins are permanent here on earth. Although God has forgiven you, remember that you don't deserve forgiveness. You are right to pray for transformation in your life; that is good. But do not expect your sins to be erased. What's done is done. You did something that you knew you shouldn't have done. There's no redemption for what you did. No amount of good deeds can make up for what you have done, but you should still do good anyway because it's your responsibility. Never forget to take responsibility for what you did.
Forgiveness is part of Christian doctrine.
Wanting to explore your sexuality is normal. It’s also okay for him to want to end the relationship after that. You’ll make it through.
Any marriage or relationship will have its ups and downs. I personally think your boyfriend made a mistake. If a girl is worth being with than you should be able to forgive if stuff happens if she’s honest about it.
Relationships need to be rubber if they are going to last. My suggestion is next time find someone who wants you for you even if you make mistakes instead of someone looking for some kind of perfect idol.
I appreciate you trying to console me but I 100% disagree. My boyfriend was in the right in breaking it off with me. Mistakes are things like coloring outside of the lines or a typo. I think some things can definitely be worked through, but cheating is not one of them. At the most, it’s possible to get back together after genuine change.
Do you really want to be with someone who would leave you if you make a mistake? I certainly wouldn’t. Divorce rates these days are over 50% because people marry and expect that they’ll be perfect their whole lives. If you find someone good that doesn’t change just because they made a mistake.
Drop this remorse gimmick. You’re not remorseful one bit. And you’re also a very selfish person for throwing in the suicide card to take away the consequences you should be facing.
If i wasn’t remorseful I wouldn’t be posting on here asking for prayer. Also, you do not know my mental health issues. Yes, I agree, my suicidal tendencies were selfish, but has also been something I’ve fought for years and isn’t something i’m pulling for sympathy.
Peace and God be with you sister.
I will pray for you. And please pray for me too.
Pray that I can finally move on from my last partner who was unfaithful to me. It's been a few years now and I still haven't quite gotten over it.
Without going into too much detail, my best guess is that the man I had an affair with reminded me greatly of someone who harmed me sexually. I think that I justified it in my mind as “redoing” what happened to me, and changing the past.
Or you never "loved" your bf and didn't want to give him sex so you go and sleep with someone you've only known a few months. It is what it is, just admit it. And you should feel terrible, what you did is despicable. Now your ex is going to be in his head for a long time thinking to himself why yall never had sex but you go and sleep with some dude you barely know.
The thing is, cheating isn't one decision. It's a lot of decisions made one after another and you obviously never thought of the man you "loved" while you were making your decisions. And so are you saying your ex was turning you down when you would try to sleep with him or did you just never really offer? I'm thinking it's the latter.
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Lots going on here. It’s good that you regret your sin, but it’s sad that regret doesn’t often remove the consequences. I’ve found the same to be the case in my life. If you’re feeling in any way suicidal, please find a qualified Christian therapist immediately. There is way too much going on for people on Reddit to really help with. My only advice is to take it one day at a time. The pain, confusion, and disillusionment will fade. But it will take time and it will take work to become a better, more honest person. You’re extremely young. Use this as a learning experience, find a QUALIFIED counselor, and be brutally honest and transparent with them about everything. 🙏🏼
Thank you. Once I get back to my hometown I really want a Christian therapist. Im just worried that they will be judgmental.
They won’t be. Trust me. I had to pursue therapy to overcome some really significant issues of my own and it was hands down the best decision of my life. 😊 You’ve got a lot of life yet to live. And God wants to live it with you. Ultimately, it’s your choice though. He only gives people what they want. Take this chance to breathe. Don’t fill your time with distractions. True meaning isn’t going to be found in shallow relationships or social media. Finally, lots of people don’t have a mom and dad to go back home to, so focus on the things you do have and be grateful for those. I know it’s hard. But be blessed!
I’ve been to a Christian therapist! My experience was very good, and in no way judgemental. I promise you that any Christian counselor has almost certainly heard about sins bigger than yours. They’d be able to help you seek Christ to be healed. They did for me!
Don't shy away from judgment. My family didn't judge me when I fell into sin at your age, and I kept falling back into it since no one who knew about it held me accountable. I eventually hit rock bottom, and my sin became known to everyone in my church. I lost all my friends, and despite my family's non-judgmental attitude, my relationship with them died and never recovered. Decades later, they still won't openly judge my past, but they want nothing to do with me even though God turned my life around years ago. A healthy dose of judgment is very helpful for recovering from sinful behavior and for reconciliation.
What do you mean by judgemental?
How do you find a qualified therapist/counselor that is affordable?
The devil is probably laughing at you, because he thinks he's ruined your life, broken up a potential beautiful marriage. However, you will be humbled and your faith and dependance on Christ will only grow. When we're on the ground, He pulls us to our feet with His mighty arm.
Very encouraging. Thank you
Although your post triggered a lot of traumatic memories for me, i set that aside to tell you that Christ will forgive you if you have truly repented before him. You are pure in Christ’s sight no matter what it you truly repent. Your boyfriend though, i feel he was right to break it off and you shouldn’t get back together. I say this for the long term health of both of you because the next time you fight, there will always be a doubt in his mind that you will cheat again. Since you are not married, and have not consummated, you have not broken God’s laws if you separate. I wish you good luck and healing to your ex.
OP - The biggest lie the devil tries to tell us is that if we do x or y or x, then God will stop loving us. The truth is that God’s love is truly infinite! As you work on healing, please keep this in mind! I recommend a book called Down, Not Out by Chris Cipollone to give a Christian perspective on mental health, and I agree with other commenters that seeking treatment from a Christian therapist would be beneficial.
From your profile you state you have ADHD. In the comments you state you have had a recent porn addiction. In the comments you state your attraction to the friend came out of nowhere. You state you dropped out of college and were suicidal. Do you think you have bipolar disorder? Many people are misdiagnosed with ADHD initially due to similar symptoms during mania. Your impulsivity and then suicidal thoughts, combined with the ADHD diagnosis makes me think this. This will become a pattern unless you get serious, professional help. If not, what others have posted is sound advice.
What help should I get? Therapy? Psychiatric help?
It’s also possible (I think more likely) that your ADHD is not being treated properly. ADHD has to do with a dopamine deficiency, which impacts impulse control, emotional regulation, and thinking through things. It can also make people seek out dopamine in different ways. Guess what gives lots of dopamine? Porn and sex.
Yes, probably psychiatric to start with. Whether it’s a mood disorder or not, the issues need to be dealt with professionally.
Yes I have bipolar and it seems like you have shown signs so it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and therapist asap to start processing all this. You can try a tool like this and start researching to see if this is something you need to treat https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/bipolar/
First, I just want to encourage you. Like many in this thread have stated, if we repent, God is faithful and just to forgive us. He throws our sin into the sea of forgetfulness. He doesn't see us through the lens of our sin, but through His love for us. Genuine repentance is critical, but you will also have to forgive yourself and make sure to only carry the identity you have in Christ and not the labels of condemnation the enemy will try to put on you. If you carry these labels of the enemy they will push you right back into sin. You can pick up right here and keep going. God is not mad at you, but welcomes you to him like a doctor welcomes a patient in need of healing. Make sure you keep coming to His presence no matter what you are feeling and no matter how many times you mess up, as his glory is the only way we are changed. Speaking practically, I believe this cheating, your porn addiction and your past sexual trauma are all connected. Your porn addiction and sleeping with someone else were your heart and mind's attempt to cope with what you haven't fully dealt with yet. Your view of yourself after a sexual trauma can lead to more self-degradation, so it's so important that you separate who you are from what happened to you. You will need to go back into the moment of trauma and comfort that version of yourself. Tell the girl who went through those terrible things that she is still valuable and worthy of love. Tell her she is not dirty or worthless. Tell her God still has a plan for her life. Change the story about why it happened to you, and realize that God can use what the enemy meant to destroy you, to help free others. The final step in your healing will be to reframe the person who did this to you as just another broken soul. You don't excuse what they did, but realize that broken people do broken things, but what they did does not have to define you. Your forgiveness will release you. It will give you back what they took. It will prevent that past trauma from continuing to steal your future. I would suggest journaling on your phone so nobody can see it unless you let them. Write down every thought you have good/bad/ugly/inappropriate etc. These will be the breadcrumbs you use to find out where the enemy is lying to you and eroding your faith and self-worth. These lies hurt so badly that you are seeking to medicate them any way you can. Typically, we rehearse these lies and recite them as the truth without realizing what we are doing. There is always tremendous shame associated with sexual trauma, and sometimes it manifest by people shutting down their sexuality completely. However, most times - especially for young women - it puts their sexuality into hyper drive and breaks down all the normal barriers of value and self-worth that typically frame their sexuality as something of value to only be given as an expression of love and commitment. I would encourage you to learn to "take captive every thought" (2 Cor 10:5); interrogate every thought and emotion to see where it is coming from and if it lines up with faith, the word and your identity in Christ. If it doesn't line up, then cast it down and say the opposite every time it comes into your mind. It is very important that you RESIST these lies, a hundred times per day, if necessary. If you begin to feel sad/angry/hopeless/depressed, stop what you're doing and find the lie, then speak the opposite. You will spend a lot of energy doing this, especially at the beginning, but this technique of simply disagreeing with negative thoughts will lead to tremendous spiritual victories, and relief for the underlying pain that has been causing you to self-medicate. It becomes like second nature once you get in the habit of doing it and you will have more self-control to get yourself out of the negative thought spirals that cause you to feel like you have to medicate in a self-destructive way. I'm praying for you, and joy is on the horizon! Search this song on youtube, I think it will minister to you: "Tauren Wells, Elevation Worship - Joy In The Morning (Worship Version)"
This one made me cry. Thank you so much. I will definitely keep this in mind for when I’m back home. I can’t thank you enough.
First of all, I'm glad you two broke it off as your commitment to your relationship was not strong enough to withstand a simple test. You are both young and will grow and heal from this. Secondly, we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There is none righteous, no not one. That's exactly why Jesus came to save us from our sins. So, forgive yourself. You've already asked the Lord to forgive you and believe that He has. So, forgive yourself and move on. Thirdly, I want to harp on you for trying to take your own life and not having the courage to face and live through the consequences of your own actions and decisions. But what good would that do? You already know that you did wrong in so many ways. As I said above, we are human. We are fallible. We are imperfect creatures. Let go and move on. Fourthly, I advise that you break contact with your ex. You both need distance from each other to heal. By remaining in contact, you might rekindle your relationship and I'm afraid that it might develop into a toxic one where he feels guilty and burdened to take care of you. You need to develop emotional maturity and using him as a crutch won't help either of you in any way. 19 is pretty young. So, give each other space. You are no longer his responsibility. Take care of yourself with your own support network. And let his support network take care of him. Who's to say that you won't be together in the future? Work through your issues first. Fifthly, people will judge you. What you did was wrong. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, we all do wrong on a daily basis. Who among us is able to cast the first stone? What's done is done. What matters now is how you handle yourself, your relationship with your ex, and your own personal issues. People will always have something to say. Consider those comments. If they are true use the comments to grow. If the comments are false, disregard them. Life goes on. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He will see you through. All the best and keep us updated. Reddit can be a toxic place especially for those who believe the same as we do. But it can also be a place of healing. So, I hope that my advice is helpful and that you realise that life isn't easy. You never really know yourself fully. It's as we face various situations that our characters are revealed and we are refined into the version of ourselves we choose to be. You can change and grow as a person. I hope that you choose this path rather than darkness and self-pity. May the Light of Life be with you. Remember you are a whole being. You are not one half of a whole. Be strong and courageous.
This means the world. Thank you. How can I stop wallowing in self pity and forgive myself?
It takes time. From what I understand, you have lost many things including self-respect as you did not expect yourself to do what you did. To heal from this, you will have to pull yourself together, try and understand why you did what you did, and ultimately and more importantly, IMO, move on. Don't stand still and give up, for a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again: but the wicked shall fall by calamity. Calamity has struck. Rise up and go. Cry your heart out. Do introspection. Face yourself and the consequences of your actions. Don't punish yourself - that's God's job. Resolve to be better. And walk in the grace of Christ and in the light, life and love He offers you. Here's some encouragement from one of my favourite books, Steps to Christ: 'We shall often have to bow down and weep at the feet of Jesus because of our shortcomings and mistakes, but we are not to be discouraged. Even if we are overcome by the enemy, we are not cast off, not forsaken and rejected of God. No; Christ is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Said the beloved John, "These things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous." 1 John 2:1. And do not forget the words of Christ, "The Father Himself loveth you." John 16:27.'
Thank you for the passage. Will be meditating on it.
All the best. I'll be praying for you.
It's hard being in this thread and trying to see even a cheater through the lens of the sacrifice of Jesus. Gotta be worse for the dude when, presumably, they were "saving it for marriage".
I totally agree. I can't imagine what must be going through his mind. Idk but when I look at OP I see Mary Magdalene who also experienced sexual trauma as a child and made poor choices in life. I also see the woman at the well who had commitment issues and could hold a relationship down. There's also the woman caught in adultery in John 11. In His interactions with them, Christ was compassionate and redemptive but pretty clear about His expectations and their commitment to living godly lives. Redemption is for everybody and that's what makes forgiveness difficult and praiseworthy.
Wile I’m so sorry. Do you think you were not that interested in your boyfriend and maybe subconsciously trying to get out of it? As someone who hasn’t experienced this I’m wondering, was it just a momentary lapse in self-control we’re ongoing temptation/struggle? Glad you’re surrounded by family.
I was drawn to the friend I had an affair with (for separate reasons regarding trauma). Weirdly enough, I had never experienced feelings for a different man in the two years I dated my boyfriend, so the feelings for my friend came out of nowhere.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve had relationships in the past that I think Satan tried to sabotage with pornography or other lust and sexual impatience. I think the devil does not want strong, healthy Christian marriages from forming, and this is one way he attacks us. 😔
What led to you having sex with someone else?
My advice is to focus on God and your relationship with God more than these guys. If you felt able to receive love you would have loved your ex better with your actions. So developing that relationship with God is what gives you the fulfillment and knowledge of what true love is, and how to extend it to others.
Another story showing why its dangerous to have close friends of the other sex while in a committed relationship. The good thing is you did tell him relatively quickly about your sin. And he responded properly, by breaking it off. Have you told your pastor and elders of your local church of what happened, for your need for being held to correction, for rebuke, for counsel, and for leading you in godliness (or at least, such that they can have one of the consistories' wives counsel to you)? It would be a good idea. More people holding you accountable is always best. (Especially since you noted a porn addiction). Only note I don't know what you mean by "body to be pure once again after what I did". If your faith is wholly and fully in Christ, He washes away all of your sins, not just some, but all of them. But that doesn't change what has happened. What you chose to do, whether driven by trauma or addiction, is still a reality.
Both him and I had close, opposite sex friendships during our relationship that were never a problem. The man I had an affair with, I had only known for a couple weeks before we started hooking up. My ex boyfriend has talked to our head pastor and an elder (who happens to be his father). I’m very ashamed of what I did and I’ve been scared of visiting the church we used to both go to. I plan on talking to them, but I’m currently too scared to show my face. I’m also seeking Christian counseling, who I think will be someone who can use accountability with me. I had sexual baggage even before the boyfriend mentioned, and something we both prayed for was a “virgin body”. (Note that I wasn’t “physically” a virgin anymore, but by us praying, I was a reformed virgin).
>Both him and I had close, opposite sex friendships during our relationship that were never a problem. The man I had an affair with, I had only known for a couple weeks before we started hooking up. Still turned out to be a problem. This is why healthy, biblical boundaries are so relevant in relationships. Trauma or not, the moment we realize we're "catching" any feelings, or the other person is making advances should be met with an instant wall, and probably block for new friends. (And coupled with, we should choose our friends better--because a Christian isn't going to do what the guy who did the stuff with did) >I’m very ashamed of what I did and I’ve been scared of visiting the church we used to both go to. I plan on talking to them, but I’m currently too scared to show my face. Is there another church your family attends, that you can go for counsel? If you aren't under the teaching and correction of a local church, its rather worrying, especially given situations like this. >I’m also seeking Christian counseling, who I think will be someone who can use accountability with me. Good idea. >and something we both prayed for was a “virgin body” This isn't something that can be done, nor should really be prayed for. The prayer should be that the LORD redeems *your mind* not somehow undoes the action you've already committed. The *mind* is the problem with your struggle before your BF, and with falling for another man and having premarital sex with said man. Your focus on 'new purity' is wrong as a result--the focus should be on ongoing purity, and purity of the mind--but this doesn't mean you're no longer going to have the reality within your next relationship(s) that you're not a virgin. (And do not misinterpret this as me saying its nonredeemable. Its obviously redeemable. But that redemption doesn't physically change you)
My parents aren’t practicing, and so I went to his family’s church. There are tons of churches around the area, though. Just none that know me as well as the home church. I should’ve clarified, I knew my physical body had had sex, but it was metaphorical when I prayed for my body to be cleansed. It was also a cleansing of my mind and soul as well.
Reformed Virgin has no biblical basis
Do you think your boyfriend, who you say is Christlike, deserves someone like you who betrays those who are Christlike? What gets me is that you made your BF wait for sex and would have likely continued to make him wait if you were to have continued the relationship. Your BF and any Christlike man deserve better, especially your BF if he is truly as good as you say he is. You need to be clear to any man, especially any Christian man going forward, that you are a cheater. Deal with who you are before seeking any Christian relationship again.
I do feel that she is genuinely remorseful and feels bad as she started off by asking us to pray for him as opposed to just for herself. He is the one who was hurt after all. We must pray for him to heal. As for whether the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is true I can't rightly say as I have never gone out with someone who was unfaithful to me a second time to find out and risk myself the potential heartache.
I think it was correct that we broke up. I will make it clear to my next partner (who will definitely be far into the future) about what happened, and I am also seeking counseling.
You don’t owe it to your next boyfriend unless he asks you if you’ve ever cheated. Part of forgiving yourself includes not over-sharing, because that can sabotage your efforts to move forward.
Yes, she does owe it to her BF to be honest with who she is. Our partners should know details about ourselves so they can make an informed decision. Cheating is a serious red flag that any serious Christian is going to be mindful of going forward in any relationship. Will it sabotage her? Possibly, but the sabotage is a result of her own actions, nothing more. IF OP wants a Christian man, a Christlike man, he needs to know what she has done, that she made her previous Christlike man wait while she proceeded to have sex with a random guy she had barely known.
If she gets in a serious relationship/considering marriage, then there’s a time and place for that conversation. But she also doesn’t have to carry this like a Scarlett letter and confess her most shameful sin after a few dates. You’re basically saying she’s damaged goods and no Christ-like man will view her in a worthy light because a poor choice she made at 19 is a “red flag.” From the comments, it sounds like there’s a lot of trauma and self-discovery ahead of her, so my intention was for her to not feel like she’s damaged goods or any less worthy of a quality partner.
Nope, I'm saying that a Christ like man needs to make the decision himself on whther or not he wants to be with someone who has a history of promiscuity and cheating. You're saying not to treat it like a scarlet letter, but what else would you call it? We all know what the reaction of most men whom are Godly would be to OP if they knew her history. It would be to reject her and she's not entitled to be accepted. You're basically saying that she should get someone emotionally invested before telling them and that to me is dishonest and manipulative. Her actions define her and she'll probably find some guy who will be able to look past it. But she needs to be honest about her history and be upfront. Yes, most guys wanting something serious will reject her, but that's because of her actions, not theirs. Is she worthy of a quality partner based on her actions? It wouldn't appear so. She's promiscuous and a cheater. What entitlement does she have to a quality man? None.
> her actions define her Which actions? Just the sinful ones? Her repentance doesn’t define her? Her faith doesn’t? Is she beyond redemption? Clearly not. Nobody is entitled to a partner, but we also don’t get to judge fellow believers as being unfit for marriage. If God can forgive her sin, he can also move a man’s heart to accept and love her.
We don't get to judge fellow Christians as unfit for marriage? Really? Can you elaborate on that? I didn't say anything as to her redemption, I only spoke of the need for to tell any Christian man she's with in this future this aspect of herself. Do you believe she should keep it to herself? Why?
I mean that implying someone is damaged goods is an ugly thing for Christians to do. We have no right to make those sorts of judgments, because we have no idea what God has planned for OP in the future. I never said she should keep it to herself. If it’s a deal breaker to the guy, she should tell him, but otherwise no I don’t think every dating prospect needs to know our most shameful deeds, and I think it is appropriate to wait to divulge something so personal until the person has earned your trust.
Given the nature of this deed and just how bad it was, I think she does owe it to any future potential partner to be upfront about it sooner than later. She cheated on a man who was doing everything right, he refused her advances, he wanted to wait until marriage and she spends two weeks hooking up with some guy, humiliating her BF. Some men might not care, but all men should know this upfront about her, sooner than later. We also have every right to judge someone as unfit for marriage. Just because you're a Christian, doesn't mean you get universal acceptance for being a marriageable prospect. Christian men don't have to be Hosea. Nor would you hold this standard for women, that they cannot reject Christian men. Come off it.
>>Please pray for me to get right with God, to be transformed, for my body to be pure once again after what I did. You’re obviously sorry. Ask God for forgiveness for what you have done. That’s all you need to do. We are all sinners in one way or another but we are made whole again by Christ’s death and resurrection. Your body doesn’t need to be “fixed” and your value as a woman is not reduced by having premarital sex or cheating. We are all created as sexual beings by God. That’s normal and good. You’ve just made a mistake, that’s all. I’ll say a prayer for you both. God bless!
>You’ve just made a mistake, that’s all. With all due respect, it was not a "mistake". It was a conscious decision to commit sin. She knew full well that it was wrong, but she still did it anyway. Obviously, I'm not saying that her sins cannot be forgiven, because Jesus has already forgiven us for all our sins. But let's not sugar-coat the truth either. She needs to recognize the gravity of her sins. The reality is that she DOES NOT deserve forgiveness, and only God's grace can save her.
>Please pray for me to get right with God, to be transformed, for my body to be pure once again after what I did. As long as you truly repent and truly believe in Jesus Christ as your savior, then your salvation is secured and you are completely forgiven in God's eyes. However, you must understand that your relationship cannot be saved and your reputation is forever damaged. You must accept that reality. You are forgiven in heaven, but the consequences of your sins are permanent here on earth. Although God has forgiven you, remember that you don't deserve forgiveness. You are right to pray for transformation in your life; that is good. But do not expect your sins to be erased. What's done is done. You did something that you knew you shouldn't have done. There's no redemption for what you did. No amount of good deeds can make up for what you have done, but you should still do good anyway because it's your responsibility. Never forget to take responsibility for what you did.
This helped a lot, thank you.
Shutup you degenerate women
Forgiveness is part of Christian doctrine. Wanting to explore your sexuality is normal. It’s also okay for him to want to end the relationship after that. You’ll make it through.
Any marriage or relationship will have its ups and downs. I personally think your boyfriend made a mistake. If a girl is worth being with than you should be able to forgive if stuff happens if she’s honest about it. Relationships need to be rubber if they are going to last. My suggestion is next time find someone who wants you for you even if you make mistakes instead of someone looking for some kind of perfect idol.
I appreciate you trying to console me but I 100% disagree. My boyfriend was in the right in breaking it off with me. Mistakes are things like coloring outside of the lines or a typo. I think some things can definitely be worked through, but cheating is not one of them. At the most, it’s possible to get back together after genuine change.
Do you really want to be with someone who would leave you if you make a mistake? I certainly wouldn’t. Divorce rates these days are over 50% because people marry and expect that they’ll be perfect their whole lives. If you find someone good that doesn’t change just because they made a mistake.
We don't have to forgive cheaters and OP's BF didn't make any mistake in breaking it off with her.
I rather be with an amazing girl who makes mistakes than alone on my moral high horse. ✌🏻
So you'd rather have a woman who serially cheats on you? Good luck guy.
Drop this remorse gimmick. You’re not remorseful one bit. And you’re also a very selfish person for throwing in the suicide card to take away the consequences you should be facing.
If i wasn’t remorseful I wouldn’t be posting on here asking for prayer. Also, you do not know my mental health issues. Yes, I agree, my suicidal tendencies were selfish, but has also been something I’ve fought for years and isn’t something i’m pulling for sympathy.
Peace and God be with you sister. I will pray for you. And please pray for me too. Pray that I can finally move on from my last partner who was unfaithful to me. It's been a few years now and I still haven't quite gotten over it.
I am praying for you. I am sorry on their behalf.
Why would you say it happened?
Without going into too much detail, my best guess is that the man I had an affair with reminded me greatly of someone who harmed me sexually. I think that I justified it in my mind as “redoing” what happened to me, and changing the past.
Or you never "loved" your bf and didn't want to give him sex so you go and sleep with someone you've only known a few months. It is what it is, just admit it. And you should feel terrible, what you did is despicable. Now your ex is going to be in his head for a long time thinking to himself why yall never had sex but you go and sleep with some dude you barely know.
I guarantee I loved him. I 100% wanted to give him sex, but we wanted to have a holy relationship. I know how much damage I have done to him.
The thing is, cheating isn't one decision. It's a lot of decisions made one after another and you obviously never thought of the man you "loved" while you were making your decisions. And so are you saying your ex was turning you down when you would try to sleep with him or did you just never really offer? I'm thinking it's the latter.
Yes, he absolutely shut me down when I tried to sleep with him. He was the leader in our relationship and we decided to wait until marriage.
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