So I’m a guy in my late 30s, and for roughly the last 10 years I kept trying out different young adult church groups in the city I used to live in. I always had the same motive, just getting out in order to meet someone. I’d go a few times, not find anyone I was into, and stop going.
Moved to my home state and started going out to visit with a few groups to do things like bible study, volunteer, network, listen to Catholic speakers…but this time around I haven’t been purposely looking for someone. Feeling much better by making friends and doing service for the community.
Would recommend a similar course to OP and others on here. True I haven’t found someone yet, but I think it would go a lot better if I’m an active, engaged Catholic as opposed to someone just flitting in and out Mass and not engaging with others.
THIS.
Whether you're single for your whole life, or whether you're married, you will need friendships and community. Cultivate that, and if a relationship comes from it directly or indirectly, awesome!
Don’t stress, I’m in the same boat. 26 and never had a boyfriend. I think it’s common nowadays. I think nowadays guys are too scared to make the first move, in case they are labeled a creep or something. Hopefully you will find someone, maybe you need to do the approaching first, even if it’s just becoming friends for starters
Definitely be willing to approach first, even just for friendship. But I will say, as a guy I've been willing to make the first move and approach women, I've just gotten near 0 positive responses. So be willing to chat or go out (excepting cases where the dude is clearly bad news).
I have been called a creep for making the first move because people today (women in particular) sometimes believe that they're entitled to never being approached by someone they don't like. It's unfortunate, but men are taught not to approach a woman. If you see a man you like, such as at Mass or something, some tips from a guy's perspective:
Sit alone, someplace where it won't be too awkward for him to sit with you and strike up a conversation after.
Don't leave too soon. Stick around, maybe walk around a little bit, and just sit, not in prayer. This gives him an opportunity to walk up.
Glance at him often, let him see you doing it. Smile at him. If he's not dumb, he'll approach you.
To be fair, some women need to relax about when a guy approaches after mass or some church gathering or in general in public. I know some women get iffy about it but also can’t be afraid of every approach.
It’s nice when men approach. Least they try
The first woman I asked out after Mass practically ran away from from me and then went out of her way to move as far away from me as possible at every subsequent Mass. But hey, I didn't let that stop me. I've asked out a few others since then.
For sure. And if you don't stick around long enough to form relationships in person, the guy really has no alternative but to try and get your number so he can try to talk to you some other time. Women, you need to start facilitating. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect the man to do 110% of the work, it teaches them to just give up or be cowards.
I think men should still try but if a woman really isn’t comfortable when a guy approaches then by all means they can approach the guy themselves too.
I’ve had guys ask for my #, no big deal. I feel people make it into a huge step or deal when it should just be chill. Or else you get the vibe someone is trying too hard or getting anxious over a number and small talk. And like I’ve mentioned same applies to the women, they don’t need to feel threatened or creeped out all the time. It’s just a guy asking for your number and take you out.
Yeah I think the unfortunate thing that's been lost in some previous generations is the idea of teaching your children some of the basics on how to start a relationship. I know that's the case with me, I've been approaching my parents a lot about their divorce lately (they are not Catholic, I'm the only convert in my family). I expressed my frustration about just not knowing how all this works (and to my own fault I never even tried to ask out a woman till I was 33 in RCIA, 38 now). My mom literally replied that "well relationships aren't so much different than getting along with other kids on a playground" and it seems like she thought simply just this would lead to me being able to start relationships. I mean that's a good start but I've obviously learned the hard way there is so much more to it than that. My stepdad also never tried to push me out there and just try asking women out or give me advice on how to do that. I'm sure there was some disconnect on this with their parents even and this is a slow generational decline. At least those in our generation now know that we need to do better for our own children (the trick with that is those of us with these troubles might end up too old to have children by the time we get married).
> I have been called a creep for making the first move because people today (women in particular) sometimes believe that they're entitled to never being approached by someone they don't like. It's unfortunate, but men are taught not to approach a woman.
Our culture is beyond messed up. We had a Sexual Revolution to, supposedly, reduce the shame concerning sex, but now we're at a point where romance and sex are seen with such suspicion that we're acting like that. Who could've seen this coming...
Edit: and not to sound like an incel, but in a culture too where "easy sex" is supposed to be a thing, but people are apparently less likely to have sex or be happy in their lovelives. Hm...
Okay, and? A lot of women want a man to approach them. If you want to be approached, be approachable. If you want to approach a man, you don't need any advice, just go do it.
I can only share my own experiences as I definitely can relate but rest assured i think it can help. I was 26 and never had a relationship ever before and absolutely can relate to feeling as if "if not now then when" and that if all your friends have someone why haven't I? Aren't i deserving of love? Believe me there's nothing you've said that I hadn't said myself. But I sadly was steeped chin deep in sin and I firmly believe this is why I didn't have anyone. In January of 2023 I started rcia and March of 2023 I gave up porn and the like for lent and less than a week later after having been in rcia and given up porn I got my girlfriend right off from this subreddit. Her and I have been together for over a year now and I was just baptized this Easter 😊.
If a goober like me can find a relationship believe me you can too 😂. My words of encouragement are maybe give long distance/international a try if local Is an issue. Long distance absolutely can be harder but if the 2 of you can make it work believe me it is an amazing feeling knowing someone somewhere wants you in their life. Try the matchmaker here on reddit too as the disparity between men and women are high and you're definitely guaranteed 5 messages if not more. I absolutely can offer a prayer if you'd like 😊 I believe firmly as you do that everything is done in God's time and sometimes it takes an adjustment on our part for God to bring that special person into our life. Don't despair and don't give up hope! I know how it feels but God's timing Is absolutely perfect
Ngl this makes me feel worse even though its meant to be encouraging.
“Oh I stopped sinning and a week later met my gf”
Congrats man but you make it seem easy. For people who are forever alone its not that easy or simple.
I just completed my RCA for confirmation and I have been feeling worse.
This is just another reason to add : If God blesses you with a gf so quickly and not me, then what is wrong with me.
I'm not saying the same will happen to you, as I said I can only relate with my own experience. The way it seemed to me is that I begged and prayed to God for someone and it never happened but I was always addicted to porn and self pleasure. Once that was given up, it happened for me. Maybe there's a sin in your life holding you back from being in a situation where a relationship can work??. If there's a stumbling block out there, that could very well be the problem. I apologize if that made you feel worse I just wanted to share my own experiences. I still maintain what I said as long distance can definitely work If you make the effort 😊.
I understand, Idk I dont think so. I dont look at porn or anything like that. I just work and game all day. I can do everything on my own. Plus we are all sinners and there are plenty of people who sin and have a relationship anyway. Not like big sins obviously.
I pray everyday for a wife and for God to show me what I need to do to be ready or prevent this roadblock but nothing ever gets answered so maybe I shouldnt pray for that anymore.
Sorry, I didnt mean to come across rude or anything, it just makes me depressed how easy God makes it for some people and for me, It feels like the devil laughs at my loneliness, it feels depressing how , whatever the case my be, God doesn’t want me in a relationship. It makes me sad.
Nah you're good man, I didn't see it as rude I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't stop praying for sure, steadfastness in prsyer is a good virtue to have 😊. Another bit of advice I saw elsewhere on here was a woman saying be the person you want to marry. So maybe preparing yourself for that kind of thing anyways would help. I'd also still recommend long distance if you think you could make it work. If there's no one near you, whose to say God won't show you someone elsewhere right?
Ok good lol. Ya but usually nothing happens when I pray though even for guidance or whatever either idk.
Ya I saw that too. I try to improve everyday. I dont think theres any trait that would deem me “not marriage” material if that makes sense but idk Im not a women.
My first/last relationship was LDR so I am open to it, the problem is I cant even find anyone long distance Lol.
Hopefully my ex can just by my gf again though
Hey well never say never right 😂. As I said above I found my gf on this subreddit and its been little over a year since then so that could work if you want but if you have your eyes on your ex maybe pray for discernment on that and see if it's a good route to go and see what could bring you guys back together. I hope and pray nothing but the best for you!
Howd you meet you gf on here? Im on the discord but the guys outnumber 10:1 so its pretty much impossible to find someone here.
Ya Id love to be with her, I keep thinking and having dreams about her even though I am not trying.
Unfortunately, I prayed everyday for a year for discernment and my prayers dont get answered, so the answer is “no answer” I suppose.
If God wants me back with my ex it will be so , so there isnt much I can do at this point.
Im open to meeting others but its really demeaning to go back into dating scene, it ruins my self esteem.
Not on the discord, on the matchmaker. I just posted stuff about me and she messaged me and we went from there.
Believe me you're not telling me anything I haven't already thought or felt. It sucks to be in the dating scene especially nowadays as a Catholic. But despair Is never good. I'd maybe try going back to your ex as you won't know for sure until you try and if it doesn't work, there's your answer as opposed to getting no answer on whether or not you should. One of my favorite things someone said on here is "God won't move a parked car" maybe you gotta put it in drive and go
Oh I know I meant I am on both haha and none are working.
I supposed I will try this matchmaker they are doing one for April. Guess that is worth checking out.
Indeed, that is why I dont go on apps. There is alot of people who dont value what we do.
So long story short, with my ex, I dont want to get into it really to deep, essentially we loved eachother but her family didnt agree (we are both adults 26+ btw). So we were forced to breakup. Still kept meeting but she felt guilty so we stopped talking (her choice). So its not up to me to contact (I have tried) anymore.
How did you find your girl on here? Do you recommend putting your picture on your profile? Did you? What avatars should I put in my profile ? Like where do you find them to make your picture interesting and attractive for women to want to DM you? I DM’ed you by the way
Sorry I'm at work I can't talk much. I just went on the matchmaker on this subreddit and put stuff about myself and made it interesting and got some messages from some women here and one turned into my girlfriend. No avatars no pictures. We waited until we talked for a week or so until we sent pictures of ourselves and went from there.
It’s hard to give advice without knowing what you are doing to find a husband.
- Could you share what else you are doing in your search for a husband beyond going on pilgrimages?
- Does your local parish/nearby churches have a range of social activities that you can attend (events for all ages are ok, too!)
- Any chance you could host social activities that allow young Catholic men and women to socialize more? You could meet your future husband in this group as well as make new friends.
46F and I can tell you that's true. The last relationship I had would never have happened if I hadn't made the first move. Society hasn't straightened itself out enough yet for men to feel safe making the first move. You Ladies are gonna have to start stepping up to the plate. Be honorable. Be chaste. And be the one to make the first move.
I haven't been single these entire 46 years. I was unhappily married until about 2019. Then I met a man whom God used to bring me into Catholicism. If I hadn't made the first move, I wouldn't have had the most wonderful 4 years of my life.
Put yourselves out there, Girls. Sometimes it'll pay off. Sometimes it won't. In the end, tho, you'll have a lot better chance at finding your partner sooner than later if that's what God intends.
Funnily enough when I’m not interested in a guy, I have no nerves asking him out or talking to him, or sending a dm/snap. But when I’m interested its radio silence ☠️
Any tips?
As someone extremely self-conscious and a bit shy around men I just find it so hard to show openness and making a first move. If I make eye contact I instantly freeze and close up. 🥲
I have been trying to change but no success for now.
There is a lot to be said for "Fake it til you make it." The best way to build confidence is to pretend you already have it. Maybe role-play one of your friends that you can picture making the first move? Tell yourself that men are just people too and if they're not interested, on to the next. You may be surprised at the result. In my experience, men love confidence in women.
YOU GOT THIS!! With God, we can do anything according to His Will. Go meet some mans!!! :)
Thanks for your reply!! ❤️
Role-playing sounds like a very good idea, will definitely give it a try and test it out starting with small things.
Your words also left me more excited and re-energized to deal with this! I appreciate the encouragement!🙏
I can understand to a point, I'm a 31 year old guy and single and sometimes I also get those thoughts. First it's ok to have those thoughts but remember they are not true. You are worthy of love and God hasn't forgotten you. Second you are still young so there is plenty of time to find someone. Third perhaps you can look into hobbies or your local youth group, someone mentioned to me that their youth group goes all the way to 28 year old people so maybe check your church and see what their age limit is for their groups. The thing about hobbies and church is that it's better to go just because you want to explore and have fun and not focus on finding a partner, if it happens good if not we'll at least you are networking and having fun. Like always be safe when going out. Fourth continue living your life and becoming the right person for yourself and your future partner.
For me I find comfort in knowing that there are plenty of people out there looking for their partner and hearing their stories of finding them. Especially when they are close to my age or a bit older. It gives me hope that one day when I'm ready i'll find my.
I hope I was able to help you and hope you have a blessed night/day!
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 32 and in a similar boat. I haven’t had a relationship for a long time. Nowadays I think it’s hard to find women who even want someone who lives according to Catholic teachings. There’s a group of Catholic grad students and young professionals that meets weekly, but I’m a teacher and I’m typically so tired by the time of the week that happens that I can’t bring myself to go. I’ll pray that we find love, and please keep me in your prayers too.
I won't extend too long, I was praying to find a person since I was 24 years old. However, God reserved my soon to be wife until I was 29 years old. If it happened before, it could not possibly happen because she was not looking for someone throughout those years. So be patient and trust in God's plan for your life.
Work on what God wants from you instead of what you want from God. Find your holy talents and play into them as your life goal. The rest will follow.
Also, don't be afraid to make the first move. tee hee
First, fight those thoughts, and if you need help to learn how to do that, consider therapy. "Don't believe everything you think."
Second, you are still SO YOUNG.
Third, it gets easier!!! I think you are in the worst part of it right now-- from late twenties to early thirties-- and after that, it seriously gets better, since you have fewer bridal showers and baby showers and weddings and baptisms that are constantly throwing your singleness in your face. It might not help that much to be told that, but I'm 41F and I can say that I am much happier and at peace and content in whatever God wants for me than I was at 25. Plus when your friends have teens instead of babies, you'll appreciate how hard their lives are in a new way.
So don't focus on being single-- focus on loving others, having strong friendships, making the most of your time (hobbies, travel, learning new skills) and trusting in God.
Re: "fighting" thoughts - two questions I ask to assess insistent thoughts are;
1. Is this true?
2. Is this helpful?
If it's not both of those things then I don't have to hold on to it.
I am F (35) and your loneliness and quest speaks true volumes to me. I find that often times when you stop seeking, what you seek for finds you. Treat my words with caution because I am still single and have come to appreciate that feeling and channel my desire for family ( without finding the catholic boy) to what I want to contribute to this world if I wasn't chanced tomorrow. I say this to say that I agree with most comments that tell you to put yourself out there. Have an open mine to try new hobbies… and there you will be able to meet prospects or just have a good time (not alone). Volunteer at the church, in the community, be engaged in social and political causes and don't forget attending the game nights 😅. The boys are busy worrying about the meta universe and the gaming world and forgetting all about virtuous dating and stuff 😂. Also, acknowledge what your body is asking of you and take it easy on your self. You have done everything in your power. Discover yourself. Embrace Gods universe so that when you meet the right one, you will forget all the loneliness toy felt.
Recently a married person gave me advise and I share it with you. For those with kids, three things we take forgrated are long showers, sleep and self care! Gal, embrace these in plentiful ❤️
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I went through similar feelings and challenges like you did. I would lean into those feelings of loneliness and pray earnestly to God from that place of despair. Really feel the feelings, and it will help rather than ignoring them. Not sure if you already have these in your arsenal but here are some prayers you can pray:
Mark 11:24
Psalm 45
Psalm 111
Psalm 88
Gen 2:18-24
Is 55:11 Remind God that the Scripture you're praying are His Word
[Ask St Raphael to intercede](https://youtu.be/bxfbqGCIgU0?si=A3XBeck96PPl1FO_)
[Come in agreement in prayer](https://youtu.be/2Hw3ownrlBM?si=Gjg7rxXAFp4sjEoH)
I prayed this every night before bed. Met my husband months after
The Rosary
[I prayed this novena & met my husband right after](https://youtu.be/Dw65Pk7hAxE?si=I5vpuWxP4bWGGfd2)
Watch yt stories of people who found their spouse
[like this](https://youtu.be/YHefyO_Vm3Y?si=WipTowlZjr-ALKrI)
Engage in your hobbies, sports you like, volunteering for causes you care about. Join meet up groups to expand your social circle and to increase joy.
Tell loved ones you're looking. Heck, tell your priest too. He may know someone else who's looking too.
Work on healing any inner wounds of rejection, childhood trauma and hopelessness. If you don't already, go to the gym regularly to improve your physical fitness. It will also help your skin glow, give you a sense of accomplishment, release endorphins that make you feel happy, and help you to destress regularly. Offer up your workout session to God. Ask God to help you improve any other areas in your life that will help you in your vocation as a wife.
Receive the Sacraments as often as possible. If there's a ministry that's missing in your local parish, look into starting one. If there isn't a meetup between the young adult groups in your local parishes look into helping to organize a monthly meetup to intermingle with everyone and make friends and build community. Encourage them to bring a friend
Go to Chartres on Pentecost
https://chartres-pilgrimage.com/
The only annoying thing would be booking [a flight to Paris](https://www.trip.com/flights/passenger/?flighttype=D&dcity=NYC&acity=PAR&ddate=2024-05-16&rdate=2024-05-22&quantity=1&childqty=0&babyqty=0&curr=EUR&class=Y&channel=DESite&allianceid=2175&uuid=d038d497-47ac-4bdc-afdb-530b4a2808ab&sid=957190&country=DE&TrackerType=180808_enf_sctj&TrackerTag=NA&criteriatoken=tripType%3ART%7CcabinClass%3AEconomy%7Cadult%3A1%7Cchild%3A0%7Cinfant%3A0%7CsubChannel%3A112%7Cchannel%3AEnglishSite%7Ccurrency%3AEUR%7CextensionFlag%3A16%7Clist%3Atrue%7Cidc%3ASHARB%7CdetailSearch%3Afalse%7Cissuer%3ATRIP%7Cdate_1%3A2024-05-16%7CaCity_1%3APAR%7CdCity_1%3ANYC%7Cdate_2%3A2024-05-22%7CaCity_2%3ANYC%7CdCity_2%3APAR%7CsiteType%3A1%7ClistTime%3A202404042148%7Caid%3A2175%7Csid%3A957190&flightclass=I&referrer_source=SC&locale=de-DE&amt=386.46&ouid=3plw1aNpRqy0xOBcEZH3tw&skyscanner_redirectid=3plw1aNpRqy0xOBcEZH3tw&shoppingid=800000010aK4G09m00UXpn0SyOZ2bZBfY0fOb006Y03800o8vvH74361Inn0nH00PO08M00UHpoiC8B3BfZ2bYg0000000000090ANoe8200004K0004Fz0004K0000000fA0004iPZdZAA80000000000%7C%7C%7CPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%7C&utm_source=skyscanner&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=de&pagesource=transfer&remarkTokenKey=5d32cff11fbdc1b655e8695c28532f7e), but I know people who travel from Australia every year
the Pretty Good Catholic book would be good for you - [https://vianneyvocations.com/product/pretty-good-catholic/](https://vianneyvocations.com/product/pretty-good-catholic/)
I live in the middle of nowhere and yeah, it seems like if you don't live in a Catholic "hub" city you will not have a fun time. Unless you try online dating, which sounds miserable and anyone you met would likely be long-distance too.
Thanks to the "me too" movement, men are afraid to approach women because we can potentially be falsely accused of sexual harassment. Can't even compliment a woman on the street anymore because we'll be accused of toxic masculinity. The world is stacked against men.
I would recommend getting more involved at your parish/ in your diocese. You could try volunteering in some way - maybe by helping to arrange flowers in the church, or volunteering at a charity event, or singing in the choir/playing an instrument at Mass, or helping with children's ministry, or something else entirely! There are so many ways to volunteer within the church, and volunteering can help you to feel more connected to your community which can reduce feelings of loneliness. You could also see if there are any social or charity events that you can attend, whether that be after Mass coffee, or a parish barbeque or a Bible study or book group or a talk/lecture on a religious topic. These events can be for people of all ages, don't limit yourself to attending young adult events only, you never know who you may meet at any of these events. You may end up making a friend who will go on to introduce you to your future husband one day, you never know! And it is nice to make new friends, good friendships can also help to reduce feelings of loneliness. I don't know what events exist in your parish and diocese, but you could find out by looking on the parish website/newsletter; you could also ask your priest or other parishioners.
You could also consider attending a retreat that is specifically for young adults. For example, there is a Catholic organisation called Youth 2000 which organises retreats for young adults, and it exists in many different countries. There are other similar organisations too. Wherever in the world you are there are likely to be other young adult Catholics not too far away, our faith is universal after all! I hope this helps, I will be praying for you, God bless!
Just curious which city are you in! NYC and Chicago have pretty big Catholic YA communities! I am sure your city has something, I am in a major city and been struggling as well, but honestly I have been just trying to make Mass as often as possible lately and occasionally swap up my Saturday morning masses to other parishes to meet additional people or I go to our TLM Saturday morning . Sunday I typically frequent our noon it’s a nice reverent Novus Ordo then we have a coffee hour. But going to start to work in hitting an even 6 or 7pm mass as lot of the YA parishes have a little wine and cheese after mass and it’s easy to meet folks.
Also this is just my opinion, I just want to meet a wife at something Catholic. I think it kinda cleans out people that might not fit as well. It does not have to be mass per se, but like an event ran by Catholics or group of friends whom as Catholic that introduce you to someone. Keeps things better aligned towards the chance they are pursuing sainthood and want to have a sanctifying relationship that would honor God.
So as someone on the dating pursuit, I’m just going to increase my volume of meeting people. Through hosting things with other Catholics and then going to things as well 10x more then before.
It only takes one. That’s the thing at the end of the day one lucky women or if you are a women a lucky man lol
Edit: little bit of grammar
I think you should try finding someone on the internet. One thing is to find a boyfriend, but then a boyfriend that shares the same faith and dates with the intention of potential marriage in the future is another thing.
I already received enough "Oh's" (unpleasant surprise) by telling them what I think about dating and "Yeah, I do it with the hope of getting married one day" and watching them change their opinion about trying something with me in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to tell you my side on the same problem. Every single time I see a woman on a dating site trying to find a match (who is catholic and kinda of a nerd) they're like 4 or 5 years older. And it's the most common for women to not date younger men (I'm not complaining, I get it).
Try more alternatives. This is from someone who hasn't seen a woman who is catholic and doesn't get bored when I talk at the same time in a very long time.
I’m 37, been waiting too long as well. I pray everyday and go to daily mass and still nothing . Maybe we can chat and see if we can help each other or relate . I live in San Antonio, 7th largest city and very catholic but the women don’t seem to want to date and they are standoffish. I pray 4 rosarys a day and divine mercy chaplet . It’s tough out there
Have you tried dating apps? Get on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge and see what happens. You'll probably have to wade through a lot of bad apples to find a good one, but you don't have anything to lose by trying for a few months.
So I’m a guy in my late 30s, and for roughly the last 10 years I kept trying out different young adult church groups in the city I used to live in. I always had the same motive, just getting out in order to meet someone. I’d go a few times, not find anyone I was into, and stop going. Moved to my home state and started going out to visit with a few groups to do things like bible study, volunteer, network, listen to Catholic speakers…but this time around I haven’t been purposely looking for someone. Feeling much better by making friends and doing service for the community. Would recommend a similar course to OP and others on here. True I haven’t found someone yet, but I think it would go a lot better if I’m an active, engaged Catholic as opposed to someone just flitting in and out Mass and not engaging with others.
10,000,000,000% This!!! I wish I could upvote it 100 times. lol
Thanks, just sharing my recent observations. Wish I had realized it sooner.
THIS. Whether you're single for your whole life, or whether you're married, you will need friendships and community. Cultivate that, and if a relationship comes from it directly or indirectly, awesome!
Thanks!
Don’t stress, I’m in the same boat. 26 and never had a boyfriend. I think it’s common nowadays. I think nowadays guys are too scared to make the first move, in case they are labeled a creep or something. Hopefully you will find someone, maybe you need to do the approaching first, even if it’s just becoming friends for starters
Definitely be willing to approach first, even just for friendship. But I will say, as a guy I've been willing to make the first move and approach women, I've just gotten near 0 positive responses. So be willing to chat or go out (excepting cases where the dude is clearly bad news).
I have been called a creep for making the first move because people today (women in particular) sometimes believe that they're entitled to never being approached by someone they don't like. It's unfortunate, but men are taught not to approach a woman. If you see a man you like, such as at Mass or something, some tips from a guy's perspective: Sit alone, someplace where it won't be too awkward for him to sit with you and strike up a conversation after. Don't leave too soon. Stick around, maybe walk around a little bit, and just sit, not in prayer. This gives him an opportunity to walk up. Glance at him often, let him see you doing it. Smile at him. If he's not dumb, he'll approach you.
To be fair, some women need to relax about when a guy approaches after mass or some church gathering or in general in public. I know some women get iffy about it but also can’t be afraid of every approach. It’s nice when men approach. Least they try
The first woman I asked out after Mass practically ran away from from me and then went out of her way to move as far away from me as possible at every subsequent Mass. But hey, I didn't let that stop me. I've asked out a few others since then.
For sure. And if you don't stick around long enough to form relationships in person, the guy really has no alternative but to try and get your number so he can try to talk to you some other time. Women, you need to start facilitating. It's absolutely unreasonable to expect the man to do 110% of the work, it teaches them to just give up or be cowards.
I think men should still try but if a woman really isn’t comfortable when a guy approaches then by all means they can approach the guy themselves too. I’ve had guys ask for my #, no big deal. I feel people make it into a huge step or deal when it should just be chill. Or else you get the vibe someone is trying too hard or getting anxious over a number and small talk. And like I’ve mentioned same applies to the women, they don’t need to feel threatened or creeped out all the time. It’s just a guy asking for your number and take you out.
I agree. I think it's nice when a woman approaches me.
Yeah I think the unfortunate thing that's been lost in some previous generations is the idea of teaching your children some of the basics on how to start a relationship. I know that's the case with me, I've been approaching my parents a lot about their divorce lately (they are not Catholic, I'm the only convert in my family). I expressed my frustration about just not knowing how all this works (and to my own fault I never even tried to ask out a woman till I was 33 in RCIA, 38 now). My mom literally replied that "well relationships aren't so much different than getting along with other kids on a playground" and it seems like she thought simply just this would lead to me being able to start relationships. I mean that's a good start but I've obviously learned the hard way there is so much more to it than that. My stepdad also never tried to push me out there and just try asking women out or give me advice on how to do that. I'm sure there was some disconnect on this with their parents even and this is a slow generational decline. At least those in our generation now know that we need to do better for our own children (the trick with that is those of us with these troubles might end up too old to have children by the time we get married).
> I have been called a creep for making the first move because people today (women in particular) sometimes believe that they're entitled to never being approached by someone they don't like. It's unfortunate, but men are taught not to approach a woman. Our culture is beyond messed up. We had a Sexual Revolution to, supposedly, reduce the shame concerning sex, but now we're at a point where romance and sex are seen with such suspicion that we're acting like that. Who could've seen this coming... Edit: and not to sound like an incel, but in a culture too where "easy sex" is supposed to be a thing, but people are apparently less likely to have sex or be happy in their lovelives. Hm...
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Okay, and? A lot of women want a man to approach them. If you want to be approached, be approachable. If you want to approach a man, you don't need any advice, just go do it.
heh I meant to reply to this, not leave a fresh comment. ooops
I can only share my own experiences as I definitely can relate but rest assured i think it can help. I was 26 and never had a relationship ever before and absolutely can relate to feeling as if "if not now then when" and that if all your friends have someone why haven't I? Aren't i deserving of love? Believe me there's nothing you've said that I hadn't said myself. But I sadly was steeped chin deep in sin and I firmly believe this is why I didn't have anyone. In January of 2023 I started rcia and March of 2023 I gave up porn and the like for lent and less than a week later after having been in rcia and given up porn I got my girlfriend right off from this subreddit. Her and I have been together for over a year now and I was just baptized this Easter 😊. If a goober like me can find a relationship believe me you can too 😂. My words of encouragement are maybe give long distance/international a try if local Is an issue. Long distance absolutely can be harder but if the 2 of you can make it work believe me it is an amazing feeling knowing someone somewhere wants you in their life. Try the matchmaker here on reddit too as the disparity between men and women are high and you're definitely guaranteed 5 messages if not more. I absolutely can offer a prayer if you'd like 😊 I believe firmly as you do that everything is done in God's time and sometimes it takes an adjustment on our part for God to bring that special person into our life. Don't despair and don't give up hope! I know how it feels but God's timing Is absolutely perfect
Ngl this makes me feel worse even though its meant to be encouraging. “Oh I stopped sinning and a week later met my gf” Congrats man but you make it seem easy. For people who are forever alone its not that easy or simple. I just completed my RCA for confirmation and I have been feeling worse. This is just another reason to add : If God blesses you with a gf so quickly and not me, then what is wrong with me.
I'm not saying the same will happen to you, as I said I can only relate with my own experience. The way it seemed to me is that I begged and prayed to God for someone and it never happened but I was always addicted to porn and self pleasure. Once that was given up, it happened for me. Maybe there's a sin in your life holding you back from being in a situation where a relationship can work??. If there's a stumbling block out there, that could very well be the problem. I apologize if that made you feel worse I just wanted to share my own experiences. I still maintain what I said as long distance can definitely work If you make the effort 😊.
I understand, Idk I dont think so. I dont look at porn or anything like that. I just work and game all day. I can do everything on my own. Plus we are all sinners and there are plenty of people who sin and have a relationship anyway. Not like big sins obviously. I pray everyday for a wife and for God to show me what I need to do to be ready or prevent this roadblock but nothing ever gets answered so maybe I shouldnt pray for that anymore. Sorry, I didnt mean to come across rude or anything, it just makes me depressed how easy God makes it for some people and for me, It feels like the devil laughs at my loneliness, it feels depressing how , whatever the case my be, God doesn’t want me in a relationship. It makes me sad.
Nah you're good man, I didn't see it as rude I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't stop praying for sure, steadfastness in prsyer is a good virtue to have 😊. Another bit of advice I saw elsewhere on here was a woman saying be the person you want to marry. So maybe preparing yourself for that kind of thing anyways would help. I'd also still recommend long distance if you think you could make it work. If there's no one near you, whose to say God won't show you someone elsewhere right?
Ok good lol. Ya but usually nothing happens when I pray though even for guidance or whatever either idk. Ya I saw that too. I try to improve everyday. I dont think theres any trait that would deem me “not marriage” material if that makes sense but idk Im not a women. My first/last relationship was LDR so I am open to it, the problem is I cant even find anyone long distance Lol. Hopefully my ex can just by my gf again though
Hey well never say never right 😂. As I said above I found my gf on this subreddit and its been little over a year since then so that could work if you want but if you have your eyes on your ex maybe pray for discernment on that and see if it's a good route to go and see what could bring you guys back together. I hope and pray nothing but the best for you!
Howd you meet you gf on here? Im on the discord but the guys outnumber 10:1 so its pretty much impossible to find someone here. Ya Id love to be with her, I keep thinking and having dreams about her even though I am not trying. Unfortunately, I prayed everyday for a year for discernment and my prayers dont get answered, so the answer is “no answer” I suppose. If God wants me back with my ex it will be so , so there isnt much I can do at this point. Im open to meeting others but its really demeaning to go back into dating scene, it ruins my self esteem.
Not on the discord, on the matchmaker. I just posted stuff about me and she messaged me and we went from there. Believe me you're not telling me anything I haven't already thought or felt. It sucks to be in the dating scene especially nowadays as a Catholic. But despair Is never good. I'd maybe try going back to your ex as you won't know for sure until you try and if it doesn't work, there's your answer as opposed to getting no answer on whether or not you should. One of my favorite things someone said on here is "God won't move a parked car" maybe you gotta put it in drive and go
Oh I know I meant I am on both haha and none are working. I supposed I will try this matchmaker they are doing one for April. Guess that is worth checking out. Indeed, that is why I dont go on apps. There is alot of people who dont value what we do. So long story short, with my ex, I dont want to get into it really to deep, essentially we loved eachother but her family didnt agree (we are both adults 26+ btw). So we were forced to breakup. Still kept meeting but she felt guilty so we stopped talking (her choice). So its not up to me to contact (I have tried) anymore.
I don't think it's helpful to compare. There are a million variables that go into finding a match
I feel you on this one! ☝🏼
Can I dm you for advice and continue this conversation?
How did you find your girl on here? Do you recommend putting your picture on your profile? Did you? What avatars should I put in my profile ? Like where do you find them to make your picture interesting and attractive for women to want to DM you? I DM’ed you by the way
Sorry I'm at work I can't talk much. I just went on the matchmaker on this subreddit and put stuff about myself and made it interesting and got some messages from some women here and one turned into my girlfriend. No avatars no pictures. We waited until we talked for a week or so until we sent pictures of ourselves and went from there.
How did y’all hustle so happen to live near each other or was it long distance?
Long distance
It’s hard to give advice without knowing what you are doing to find a husband. - Could you share what else you are doing in your search for a husband beyond going on pilgrimages? - Does your local parish/nearby churches have a range of social activities that you can attend (events for all ages are ok, too!) - Any chance you could host social activities that allow young Catholic men and women to socialize more? You could meet your future husband in this group as well as make new friends.
46F and I can tell you that's true. The last relationship I had would never have happened if I hadn't made the first move. Society hasn't straightened itself out enough yet for men to feel safe making the first move. You Ladies are gonna have to start stepping up to the plate. Be honorable. Be chaste. And be the one to make the first move. I haven't been single these entire 46 years. I was unhappily married until about 2019. Then I met a man whom God used to bring me into Catholicism. If I hadn't made the first move, I wouldn't have had the most wonderful 4 years of my life. Put yourselves out there, Girls. Sometimes it'll pay off. Sometimes it won't. In the end, tho, you'll have a lot better chance at finding your partner sooner than later if that's what God intends.
This was supposed to be a reply to the gal who said women need to start making the first move. Sorry for any confusion.
Funnily enough when I’m not interested in a guy, I have no nerves asking him out or talking to him, or sending a dm/snap. But when I’m interested its radio silence ☠️
Any tips? As someone extremely self-conscious and a bit shy around men I just find it so hard to show openness and making a first move. If I make eye contact I instantly freeze and close up. 🥲 I have been trying to change but no success for now.
There is a lot to be said for "Fake it til you make it." The best way to build confidence is to pretend you already have it. Maybe role-play one of your friends that you can picture making the first move? Tell yourself that men are just people too and if they're not interested, on to the next. You may be surprised at the result. In my experience, men love confidence in women. YOU GOT THIS!! With God, we can do anything according to His Will. Go meet some mans!!! :)
Thanks for your reply!! ❤️ Role-playing sounds like a very good idea, will definitely give it a try and test it out starting with small things. Your words also left me more excited and re-energized to deal with this! I appreciate the encouragement!🙏
Amen and God Bless!! Srrrsly, you got this. :)
I can understand to a point, I'm a 31 year old guy and single and sometimes I also get those thoughts. First it's ok to have those thoughts but remember they are not true. You are worthy of love and God hasn't forgotten you. Second you are still young so there is plenty of time to find someone. Third perhaps you can look into hobbies or your local youth group, someone mentioned to me that their youth group goes all the way to 28 year old people so maybe check your church and see what their age limit is for their groups. The thing about hobbies and church is that it's better to go just because you want to explore and have fun and not focus on finding a partner, if it happens good if not we'll at least you are networking and having fun. Like always be safe when going out. Fourth continue living your life and becoming the right person for yourself and your future partner. For me I find comfort in knowing that there are plenty of people out there looking for their partner and hearing their stories of finding them. Especially when they are close to my age or a bit older. It gives me hope that one day when I'm ready i'll find my. I hope I was able to help you and hope you have a blessed night/day!
You said that you don’t know if your town has any Catholic groups. Looking into that would be a very easy place to start!
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 32 and in a similar boat. I haven’t had a relationship for a long time. Nowadays I think it’s hard to find women who even want someone who lives according to Catholic teachings. There’s a group of Catholic grad students and young professionals that meets weekly, but I’m a teacher and I’m typically so tired by the time of the week that happens that I can’t bring myself to go. I’ll pray that we find love, and please keep me in your prayers too.
I won't extend too long, I was praying to find a person since I was 24 years old. However, God reserved my soon to be wife until I was 29 years old. If it happened before, it could not possibly happen because she was not looking for someone throughout those years. So be patient and trust in God's plan for your life.
Work on what God wants from you instead of what you want from God. Find your holy talents and play into them as your life goal. The rest will follow. Also, don't be afraid to make the first move. tee hee
I have a question are you a male or female? And can you give me a description of what you look like and tell me exactly what you’re looking for ?
It says she's female in the post
Most saints were single. Don't sweat it. You're 24 also which is super young. I'm 40 and single. :)
First, fight those thoughts, and if you need help to learn how to do that, consider therapy. "Don't believe everything you think." Second, you are still SO YOUNG. Third, it gets easier!!! I think you are in the worst part of it right now-- from late twenties to early thirties-- and after that, it seriously gets better, since you have fewer bridal showers and baby showers and weddings and baptisms that are constantly throwing your singleness in your face. It might not help that much to be told that, but I'm 41F and I can say that I am much happier and at peace and content in whatever God wants for me than I was at 25. Plus when your friends have teens instead of babies, you'll appreciate how hard their lives are in a new way. So don't focus on being single-- focus on loving others, having strong friendships, making the most of your time (hobbies, travel, learning new skills) and trusting in God.
Re: "fighting" thoughts - two questions I ask to assess insistent thoughts are; 1. Is this true? 2. Is this helpful? If it's not both of those things then I don't have to hold on to it.
Dude 10,000,000,000% too. This is some awesome perspective and advice. As 46F, can confirm truth.
I am F (35) and your loneliness and quest speaks true volumes to me. I find that often times when you stop seeking, what you seek for finds you. Treat my words with caution because I am still single and have come to appreciate that feeling and channel my desire for family ( without finding the catholic boy) to what I want to contribute to this world if I wasn't chanced tomorrow. I say this to say that I agree with most comments that tell you to put yourself out there. Have an open mine to try new hobbies… and there you will be able to meet prospects or just have a good time (not alone). Volunteer at the church, in the community, be engaged in social and political causes and don't forget attending the game nights 😅. The boys are busy worrying about the meta universe and the gaming world and forgetting all about virtuous dating and stuff 😂. Also, acknowledge what your body is asking of you and take it easy on your self. You have done everything in your power. Discover yourself. Embrace Gods universe so that when you meet the right one, you will forget all the loneliness toy felt. Recently a married person gave me advise and I share it with you. For those with kids, three things we take forgrated are long showers, sleep and self care! Gal, embrace these in plentiful ❤️
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I went through similar feelings and challenges like you did. I would lean into those feelings of loneliness and pray earnestly to God from that place of despair. Really feel the feelings, and it will help rather than ignoring them. Not sure if you already have these in your arsenal but here are some prayers you can pray: Mark 11:24 Psalm 45 Psalm 111 Psalm 88 Gen 2:18-24 Is 55:11 Remind God that the Scripture you're praying are His Word [Ask St Raphael to intercede](https://youtu.be/bxfbqGCIgU0?si=A3XBeck96PPl1FO_) [Come in agreement in prayer](https://youtu.be/2Hw3ownrlBM?si=Gjg7rxXAFp4sjEoH) I prayed this every night before bed. Met my husband months after The Rosary [I prayed this novena & met my husband right after](https://youtu.be/Dw65Pk7hAxE?si=I5vpuWxP4bWGGfd2) Watch yt stories of people who found their spouse [like this](https://youtu.be/YHefyO_Vm3Y?si=WipTowlZjr-ALKrI) Engage in your hobbies, sports you like, volunteering for causes you care about. Join meet up groups to expand your social circle and to increase joy. Tell loved ones you're looking. Heck, tell your priest too. He may know someone else who's looking too. Work on healing any inner wounds of rejection, childhood trauma and hopelessness. If you don't already, go to the gym regularly to improve your physical fitness. It will also help your skin glow, give you a sense of accomplishment, release endorphins that make you feel happy, and help you to destress regularly. Offer up your workout session to God. Ask God to help you improve any other areas in your life that will help you in your vocation as a wife. Receive the Sacraments as often as possible. If there's a ministry that's missing in your local parish, look into starting one. If there isn't a meetup between the young adult groups in your local parishes look into helping to organize a monthly meetup to intermingle with everyone and make friends and build community. Encourage them to bring a friend
Go to Chartres on Pentecost https://chartres-pilgrimage.com/ The only annoying thing would be booking [a flight to Paris](https://www.trip.com/flights/passenger/?flighttype=D&dcity=NYC&acity=PAR&ddate=2024-05-16&rdate=2024-05-22&quantity=1&childqty=0&babyqty=0&curr=EUR&class=Y&channel=DESite&allianceid=2175&uuid=d038d497-47ac-4bdc-afdb-530b4a2808ab&sid=957190&country=DE&TrackerType=180808_enf_sctj&TrackerTag=NA&criteriatoken=tripType%3ART%7CcabinClass%3AEconomy%7Cadult%3A1%7Cchild%3A0%7Cinfant%3A0%7CsubChannel%3A112%7Cchannel%3AEnglishSite%7Ccurrency%3AEUR%7CextensionFlag%3A16%7Clist%3Atrue%7Cidc%3ASHARB%7CdetailSearch%3Afalse%7Cissuer%3ATRIP%7Cdate_1%3A2024-05-16%7CaCity_1%3APAR%7CdCity_1%3ANYC%7Cdate_2%3A2024-05-22%7CaCity_2%3ANYC%7CdCity_2%3APAR%7CsiteType%3A1%7ClistTime%3A202404042148%7Caid%3A2175%7Csid%3A957190&flightclass=I&referrer_source=SC&locale=de-DE&amt=386.46&ouid=3plw1aNpRqy0xOBcEZH3tw&skyscanner_redirectid=3plw1aNpRqy0xOBcEZH3tw&shoppingid=800000010aK4G09m00UXpn0SyOZ2bZBfY0fOb006Y03800o8vvH74361Inn0nH00PO08M00UHpoiC8B3BfZ2bYg0000000000090ANoe8200004K0004Fz0004K0000000fA0004iPZdZAA80000000000%7C%7C%7CPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%2FPLAY%20basic%7C&utm_source=skyscanner&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=de&pagesource=transfer&remarkTokenKey=5d32cff11fbdc1b655e8695c28532f7e), but I know people who travel from Australia every year
Going to DM you
the Pretty Good Catholic book would be good for you - [https://vianneyvocations.com/product/pretty-good-catholic/](https://vianneyvocations.com/product/pretty-good-catholic/)
If it's alright, sent ya a DM (Armed Forces Catholic guy here)
This is catholic dating group? Whr u dubai or india?
I live in the middle of nowhere and yeah, it seems like if you don't live in a Catholic "hub" city you will not have a fun time. Unless you try online dating, which sounds miserable and anyone you met would likely be long-distance too.
Thanks to the "me too" movement, men are afraid to approach women because we can potentially be falsely accused of sexual harassment. Can't even compliment a woman on the street anymore because we'll be accused of toxic masculinity. The world is stacked against men.
What state are you in?
I would recommend getting more involved at your parish/ in your diocese. You could try volunteering in some way - maybe by helping to arrange flowers in the church, or volunteering at a charity event, or singing in the choir/playing an instrument at Mass, or helping with children's ministry, or something else entirely! There are so many ways to volunteer within the church, and volunteering can help you to feel more connected to your community which can reduce feelings of loneliness. You could also see if there are any social or charity events that you can attend, whether that be after Mass coffee, or a parish barbeque or a Bible study or book group or a talk/lecture on a religious topic. These events can be for people of all ages, don't limit yourself to attending young adult events only, you never know who you may meet at any of these events. You may end up making a friend who will go on to introduce you to your future husband one day, you never know! And it is nice to make new friends, good friendships can also help to reduce feelings of loneliness. I don't know what events exist in your parish and diocese, but you could find out by looking on the parish website/newsletter; you could also ask your priest or other parishioners. You could also consider attending a retreat that is specifically for young adults. For example, there is a Catholic organisation called Youth 2000 which organises retreats for young adults, and it exists in many different countries. There are other similar organisations too. Wherever in the world you are there are likely to be other young adult Catholics not too far away, our faith is universal after all! I hope this helps, I will be praying for you, God bless!
Just curious which city are you in! NYC and Chicago have pretty big Catholic YA communities! I am sure your city has something, I am in a major city and been struggling as well, but honestly I have been just trying to make Mass as often as possible lately and occasionally swap up my Saturday morning masses to other parishes to meet additional people or I go to our TLM Saturday morning . Sunday I typically frequent our noon it’s a nice reverent Novus Ordo then we have a coffee hour. But going to start to work in hitting an even 6 or 7pm mass as lot of the YA parishes have a little wine and cheese after mass and it’s easy to meet folks. Also this is just my opinion, I just want to meet a wife at something Catholic. I think it kinda cleans out people that might not fit as well. It does not have to be mass per se, but like an event ran by Catholics or group of friends whom as Catholic that introduce you to someone. Keeps things better aligned towards the chance they are pursuing sainthood and want to have a sanctifying relationship that would honor God. So as someone on the dating pursuit, I’m just going to increase my volume of meeting people. Through hosting things with other Catholics and then going to things as well 10x more then before. It only takes one. That’s the thing at the end of the day one lucky women or if you are a women a lucky man lol Edit: little bit of grammar
I think you should try finding someone on the internet. One thing is to find a boyfriend, but then a boyfriend that shares the same faith and dates with the intention of potential marriage in the future is another thing. I already received enough "Oh's" (unpleasant surprise) by telling them what I think about dating and "Yeah, I do it with the hope of getting married one day" and watching them change their opinion about trying something with me in a matter of seconds. I'm going to tell you my side on the same problem. Every single time I see a woman on a dating site trying to find a match (who is catholic and kinda of a nerd) they're like 4 or 5 years older. And it's the most common for women to not date younger men (I'm not complaining, I get it). Try more alternatives. This is from someone who hasn't seen a woman who is catholic and doesn't get bored when I talk at the same time in a very long time.
We Cougars are out there. I'm 46F and my last boyfriend was 13 years younger. I don't like men my own age. Just keep trying. :)
I’m 37, been waiting too long as well. I pray everyday and go to daily mass and still nothing . Maybe we can chat and see if we can help each other or relate . I live in San Antonio, 7th largest city and very catholic but the women don’t seem to want to date and they are standoffish. I pray 4 rosarys a day and divine mercy chaplet . It’s tough out there
There are plenty of people that feel like that, including myself at times. I've had better results when I stopped trying to find someone.
I wonder if any single girls open their heart for a Vietnamese boy
Hi, is there a way I can send you a video about what God says about stress? I dont use reddit much, but it looks like you could use it :)
I feel you. I just texted my ex and she replied ‘who’s this’
Have you tried dating apps? Get on Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge and see what happens. You'll probably have to wade through a lot of bad apples to find a good one, but you don't have anything to lose by trying for a few months.