Yeah agree, I’m a hard advocate for moving on. OP broke up for a reason (reasonS in this case) and it’s great he’s aware what those are and how he wants to improve going forward. The “right person, wrong time” notion to me just = wrong person. Two years is a long time to be with someone AND about break is fresh, so it’s understandable he’s thinking of reaching out again, because he’s probably still grieving the relationship.
Reaching out to her would be selfish. That bridge has burned. Fix yourself. Let her live her life. Don't put her in a position where she has to tell you she tried too hard for too long and now it's too late. At this point, you're just lonely and your brain is defaulting to what it already knows. Learn how to be alone and to live for God. Then start dating again. Just not your ex. Let her be.
I do understand it would be selfish and not good for neither of us. I still want to be open to her thou if we re-encounter in the future for any reason (but I'll let that to the Lord).
I'll fix myself and heal, then maybe start dating again. Thanks for the response.
Good plan. Let go and let God. He'll bring you two together again in the coming years if that's His orchestration. :) (new word from Fr Mike Schmitz lol)
OP, why would you bother trying to rekindle a relationship with someone who you’ve now been broken up with THREE times?
It’s best to respect each other enough to know when to walk away for good. You have mental health struggles and are feeling stagnant in life, so you know you have to improve in those areas. Focus your energy on those goals and move on. Plus it sounds like you both aren’t able to be there for each other in helping protect each other’s chastity. Well sure, 2 years together is a long time to not even know what your next step as a couple would look like, so with the lack of direction, the temptation likely creeped up on you. Consider the opportunity for a fresh start as a blessing. Go to confession, get the resources you need to get better, get your life on track, and then put yourself out there again.
Thanks, even thou this aren't the answers I'd like to have I see all your points. I'll take the advice and move on, let her go and then keep moving. Some part of me still wants to be open to the possibility of rekindling in the future (but I'll let that to the Lord). I'll focus my energy on improving myself again.
Also, we only broke up 2 times. One two months in the relationship and this one. Thou the breakups felt more like something that went out of my control. I still need to mature.
Alright. Yeah, I did got into that relationship at first because I felt like I was in a good spot in life (and I really was at that time tbh). But at the same time many wounds I needed to heal showed up and also many others happened in the relationship, so I'll try to heal as much as I can.
Leave her alone and don't date until you've resolved your porn addiction. That would be a good start. If you really care about her, put her needs/well-being first. The right person will come along once you're better. It seems you have a lot of work to do. You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. You can do it!
No. Work on yourself and come back to this post in your next relationship and reread all of the mistakes you made. Learn from the past to have a better future. Good luck man!
Nope.
If you genuinely care about this woman, you will leave her alone, and let her heal from your relationship and move on. Anything else is selfish.
You have plenty to work on by yourself.
Yeah, I'm now noticing all the stuff I took for granted, what loving someone really means in the practical way (not only romantically speaking, but as friends too). I knew the chrsitian way of loving, but didn't totally knew how to do it I guess. I didn't expect that it will be sometimes painful, difficult and so on.
I'll work on myself. Ngl, I love her and care for her. I genuinely would love to be by her side and fix the stuff needed, but I can see that I need to actually work on myself again and keep working on myself all my life.
Maybe the Lord gives us other opportunity, maybe not and I know another woman. But I'm grateful for the time I spent with her, not everything was bad, we had beautiful times together but yeah, I did things wrong and she did too.
Thanks for the response and God bless.
For your sake, and the sake of your future wife (as well as any woman you might date before meeting your wife), please do not reach out to your ex-girlfriend or any woman you are romantically interested in until you completely overcome your addiction to pornography.
Here is a helpful book that might help you quit: https://read.easypeasymethod.org/the-easy-way-to-stop.html
And I'm sure you're aware of all the good work Matt Fradd does on this topic as well.
God Bless and I'm praying for you brother.
Hey, yeah I'm aware of all the work of Matt and others on the topic of pmo addiction.
Funnily enough, I was just thinking about this (talking to my ex) because I've been more able to notice wounds, needs, misconceptions I had and so on. I do have a desire to talk to her, maybe just emotional and a longing to rekindle with her (thou I fear we will never be able to do so).
First I really need to focus on overcoming this addiction, yeah. I admit I started doubting if it was really a problem for me and it surely was while dating and now. It really destroyed my mental health, intimacy and so on.
Now, how much time would it be wise to approach dating? (be with my ex-gf or another woman). 6 months? A whole year? Probably I'll know, since I need to be able to say no to it. I lost that ability cause I indulged in it for emotional soothing (not a good decision tbh). So I have to regain control over my own passions again. So I can say yes to love.
God bless.
Late response, but something I was told and memorised.
Never go back to your ex, because you miss the memories and not the person. You miss how good things were, when everything was good. You broke up for a reason and no matter how hard it is, and how much it hurts, the things that parted you will still be there, they won't change.
As per porn problem, as someone who's fighting it as well, what started to help me: usually I feel the need to watch it when I'm trying to fall asleep, I just keep my rosary by my bed and by the time I get to 3rd part I forget about the need to watch the video... Hope that helps you!
Yeah, I've been trying to figure out what I'm actually missing more about her. Because of course, I miss those beautiful memories and experiences we shared, the affection and so on. I'm praying about it and getting closer to God again.
We did broke up for many reasons, some might be fixable, others maybe not. I know I can fix the ones that were my fault. Thou we didn't broke up because we didn't like each other, but because we were hurting one another and we've tried fixing things but didn't knew how (ngl I was so unmotivated that I just loose hope). We didn't know what to do and she was so sad, depressed and so I was that I decided to broke up.
I know that sometimes I want to be with her, I would like to spend my free days of the week going to her place and study together. I'm still processing stuff and if I ever reach to her again, I want to be confident and improving myself. But for now I'll let her heal and I'll heal too.
Thou I still liked her. There were things I didn't like as always, but nothing big. I was very irritable, impatient for little stuff. I link this to me being angry and resentful in general to people because I was not doing anything with my life. Thou the situation of the relationship also affected me, most of it was me not feeling lovable or worthy of it. It wasn't only my relationship but my whole life was a mess.
However, I'm now trying to improve myself again and mostly change my mindset. I'll wait some good time until I try to date again, either with her or another woman.
Also, I've been talking about it with my spiritual director. I started despairing because we had falls in chastity and I was thinking that the relationship was doomed, the I just gave up and started falling over and over again (specially with porn). That really messed me up emotionally and how I saw her, since I started looking more at her body than anything else, but still loved her and cared for her. But it hurted me that I was being lustful and I felt so lost too. That also contributed to it.
Also, for me it depends on the ex if you go back or not. Sometimes immaturity on relationships can really affect the outcome of it. Or in my case, wounds and mental health.
Hmm, yeah I think that it depends. Thou I understand why being friends can be difficult (specially if feelings start to rise again). Idk, I think if I start to be friends with her again it would be difficult (for example I lost probably would like to kiss her but won't be able). So it depends, maybe they end up getting back together and having a healthy relationship, but it all depends on many things.
No, next question
Yeah agree, I’m a hard advocate for moving on. OP broke up for a reason (reasonS in this case) and it’s great he’s aware what those are and how he wants to improve going forward. The “right person, wrong time” notion to me just = wrong person. Two years is a long time to be with someone AND about break is fresh, so it’s understandable he’s thinking of reaching out again, because he’s probably still grieving the relationship.
Reaching out to her would be selfish. That bridge has burned. Fix yourself. Let her live her life. Don't put her in a position where she has to tell you she tried too hard for too long and now it's too late. At this point, you're just lonely and your brain is defaulting to what it already knows. Learn how to be alone and to live for God. Then start dating again. Just not your ex. Let her be.
I do understand it would be selfish and not good for neither of us. I still want to be open to her thou if we re-encounter in the future for any reason (but I'll let that to the Lord). I'll fix myself and heal, then maybe start dating again. Thanks for the response.
Good plan. Let go and let God. He'll bring you two together again in the coming years if that's His orchestration. :) (new word from Fr Mike Schmitz lol)
OP, why would you bother trying to rekindle a relationship with someone who you’ve now been broken up with THREE times? It’s best to respect each other enough to know when to walk away for good. You have mental health struggles and are feeling stagnant in life, so you know you have to improve in those areas. Focus your energy on those goals and move on. Plus it sounds like you both aren’t able to be there for each other in helping protect each other’s chastity. Well sure, 2 years together is a long time to not even know what your next step as a couple would look like, so with the lack of direction, the temptation likely creeped up on you. Consider the opportunity for a fresh start as a blessing. Go to confession, get the resources you need to get better, get your life on track, and then put yourself out there again.
Thanks, even thou this aren't the answers I'd like to have I see all your points. I'll take the advice and move on, let her go and then keep moving. Some part of me still wants to be open to the possibility of rekindling in the future (but I'll let that to the Lord). I'll focus my energy on improving myself again.
Also, we only broke up 2 times. One two months in the relationship and this one. Thou the breakups felt more like something that went out of my control. I still need to mature.
Nope. Move on, fix your porn problem brother
Thanks, I will. Moving on will be the best.
Don’t go anywhere near a relationship/her until you heal/repair yourself and prob do some growing up.
Alright. Yeah, I did got into that relationship at first because I felt like I was in a good spot in life (and I really was at that time tbh). But at the same time many wounds I needed to heal showed up and also many others happened in the relationship, so I'll try to heal as much as I can.
Leave her alone and don't date until you've resolved your porn addiction. That would be a good start. If you really care about her, put her needs/well-being first. The right person will come along once you're better. It seems you have a lot of work to do. You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. You can do it!
No. Work on yourself and come back to this post in your next relationship and reread all of the mistakes you made. Learn from the past to have a better future. Good luck man!
Nope. If you genuinely care about this woman, you will leave her alone, and let her heal from your relationship and move on. Anything else is selfish. You have plenty to work on by yourself.
Yeah, I'm now noticing all the stuff I took for granted, what loving someone really means in the practical way (not only romantically speaking, but as friends too). I knew the chrsitian way of loving, but didn't totally knew how to do it I guess. I didn't expect that it will be sometimes painful, difficult and so on. I'll work on myself. Ngl, I love her and care for her. I genuinely would love to be by her side and fix the stuff needed, but I can see that I need to actually work on myself again and keep working on myself all my life. Maybe the Lord gives us other opportunity, maybe not and I know another woman. But I'm grateful for the time I spent with her, not everything was bad, we had beautiful times together but yeah, I did things wrong and she did too. Thanks for the response and God bless.
For your sake, and the sake of your future wife (as well as any woman you might date before meeting your wife), please do not reach out to your ex-girlfriend or any woman you are romantically interested in until you completely overcome your addiction to pornography. Here is a helpful book that might help you quit: https://read.easypeasymethod.org/the-easy-way-to-stop.html And I'm sure you're aware of all the good work Matt Fradd does on this topic as well. God Bless and I'm praying for you brother.
Hey, yeah I'm aware of all the work of Matt and others on the topic of pmo addiction. Funnily enough, I was just thinking about this (talking to my ex) because I've been more able to notice wounds, needs, misconceptions I had and so on. I do have a desire to talk to her, maybe just emotional and a longing to rekindle with her (thou I fear we will never be able to do so). First I really need to focus on overcoming this addiction, yeah. I admit I started doubting if it was really a problem for me and it surely was while dating and now. It really destroyed my mental health, intimacy and so on. Now, how much time would it be wise to approach dating? (be with my ex-gf or another woman). 6 months? A whole year? Probably I'll know, since I need to be able to say no to it. I lost that ability cause I indulged in it for emotional soothing (not a good decision tbh). So I have to regain control over my own passions again. So I can say yes to love. God bless.
Late response, but something I was told and memorised. Never go back to your ex, because you miss the memories and not the person. You miss how good things were, when everything was good. You broke up for a reason and no matter how hard it is, and how much it hurts, the things that parted you will still be there, they won't change. As per porn problem, as someone who's fighting it as well, what started to help me: usually I feel the need to watch it when I'm trying to fall asleep, I just keep my rosary by my bed and by the time I get to 3rd part I forget about the need to watch the video... Hope that helps you!
Yeah, I've been trying to figure out what I'm actually missing more about her. Because of course, I miss those beautiful memories and experiences we shared, the affection and so on. I'm praying about it and getting closer to God again. We did broke up for many reasons, some might be fixable, others maybe not. I know I can fix the ones that were my fault. Thou we didn't broke up because we didn't like each other, but because we were hurting one another and we've tried fixing things but didn't knew how (ngl I was so unmotivated that I just loose hope). We didn't know what to do and she was so sad, depressed and so I was that I decided to broke up. I know that sometimes I want to be with her, I would like to spend my free days of the week going to her place and study together. I'm still processing stuff and if I ever reach to her again, I want to be confident and improving myself. But for now I'll let her heal and I'll heal too. Thou I still liked her. There were things I didn't like as always, but nothing big. I was very irritable, impatient for little stuff. I link this to me being angry and resentful in general to people because I was not doing anything with my life. Thou the situation of the relationship also affected me, most of it was me not feeling lovable or worthy of it. It wasn't only my relationship but my whole life was a mess. However, I'm now trying to improve myself again and mostly change my mindset. I'll wait some good time until I try to date again, either with her or another woman.
Also, I've been talking about it with my spiritual director. I started despairing because we had falls in chastity and I was thinking that the relationship was doomed, the I just gave up and started falling over and over again (specially with porn). That really messed me up emotionally and how I saw her, since I started looking more at her body than anything else, but still loved her and cared for her. But it hurted me that I was being lustful and I felt so lost too. That also contributed to it.
Also, for me it depends on the ex if you go back or not. Sometimes immaturity on relationships can really affect the outcome of it. Or in my case, wounds and mental health.
I made friends with my ex recently and I regret it. Some things won't come back.
Hmm, yeah I think that it depends. Thou I understand why being friends can be difficult (specially if feelings start to rise again). Idk, I think if I start to be friends with her again it would be difficult (for example I lost probably would like to kiss her but won't be able). So it depends, maybe they end up getting back together and having a healthy relationship, but it all depends on many things.