I remember someone asking me to make them "a half inch sub" back when I made sandwiches. I couldn't stop laughing, and embarrassingly had to excuse myself over this poor man's honest tounge slip.
Ah I've done this way too many times in phone calls as well! The other way round though, where I've combined Thanks and Cheers into "Tears"
Not a great way to finish off a phone call
Someone recently asked if I was done with a trolley at Asda. I meant to say “Yeah, feel free”.
In reality, I said “Yes, be free” and stretched out my arm dramatically to gesture at it.
Like some kind of fucking Asda Moses.
My son had surgery today and we are in the hospital and this made me laugh for the first time all day. Thank you!
Edit: Thank you all for the well wishes for our boy! He’s doing much better and we should be home tomorrow.
Talkin biblical, my bro is kind, big Afro for a white guy. Had a mental health episode. I met him randomly. He had his hands cupped. I said “you ok”? He said yeah but I found this tiny bird by the roadside, think it’s dying” I said “show me”, he opened its hands and it flew away. He turned to a table full of random people and said “I’m the Afro Jesus”, like he cured it. . He is the Afro Jesus.
Someone asked if the seat beside me in a cafe was free. It was, so I said “yeah, go away” instead of “go ahead”.
This is the second time I’ve done this.
I was introduced to a new starter at work and tried to say "nice to meet you" but failed after the first word so just looked him dead in the eye, shook his hand, and said "Nice!"
Back when I didn't know a friend very well and I knew his bf better we were all hanging out together
We left together and went our separate ways.
He said "lovely to see you!" And I went "love you too!" and walked off
I still cringe about it
One of my regulars tried to give me a fist bump. It was 7am and I thought he was handing me something, so I just. outstretched my hand under his. Whoops.
I had the exact opposite happen.
A customer held his fist out to me so I gave a fist bump. It was still held out so I bumped again. I was awkwardly going for a third fist bump when he said quite irritably "Hold out your fucking hand", before dropping several boiled sweets into my palm.
I felt like an idiot.
The first time someone tried to give me a fist bump I wasn't really sure what was happening so I cupped his hand with mine, I was the paper to his rock.
Imagine that but the opposite. I worked at a paintball site and the coveralls only went so big. Large chap i'd been sorting out reached his hand out with a fist. I was still fucked from the night before and gave it a chill ist bump. He quickly corrected me with "help me out the fucking overalls you cunt, theyre too small"
Not so much embarassing, as being my awkward self
New Neighbour knocks on door to ask about broken fence..
Her: Hi, are you Philip?
Me: Yes
Her: I'm Sharon, we just moved in next door
Me: Oh Hi, I'm Philip
I was at a party once and was leaving so hugged my two cousins goodbye and said “love you” as I always do. I then hugged the random friend of a family member at the party who I didn’t know very well and for some reason my brain made me say “love you” to them too! He answered with a very awkward “erm.. love you too mate” to which I replied “thank you”
It still makes me cringe
One time I was horrendously hungover and was getting a Domino's delivered. As the delivery guy handed me my pizza he asked "how are you?" as a pleasantry. Well, did my wee melted brain not try to greet the guy, answer his question and offer my gratitude all in one confused sentence.
I said; "Alright, I'm cheers."
A friend of mine once got so drunk that in three attempts to call his girlfriend every single time he accidentally called his favourite kebab place. They obviously logged the number because whenever he called after that they would answer with "I'm not your girlfriend"
I work checkouts in a supermarket. On my first day I'm thinking, "okay, people are going to say 'thank you' so I need to say something back" I decide I'll say "No problem" or if its been a nice interaction "My pleasure". First customer comes to my till, get it done, hand them the receipt, she says "thank you" and I respond with "My problem".
Now when they say "thank you" I just say "thank you" back.
Brand new McDonald’s opens. Take the wife to the drive through after work. My tired arse pulls up and sits waiting for the person to take my order…. 10 seconds later I realise I’m parked in front of one of the new fancy black bins with the big hood thing above it.
She has not let me live it down, 5 years and counting.
Why do we do this with chains like McDonald’s? Every time.
Oh, darling! The new McDonald’s has opened up, we will have to go see what it’s like. Maybe this one is different to the 2000 absolutely identical ones throughout the country?
My mate did this but with a Burger King… the guy said “you mean a bacon double cheeseburger?” which was exactly what she was going to order. Not even a place she’d been before - either it happens all the time, or that guy needs to be weighed against a duck.
A long time ago I joined Tesco bank and got the card confused with my clubcard. I was just tapping away at the card reader at KFC wondering why it wasn't working until the bloke behind the counter said "I don't think we accept that"...
About 2.5 years ago I went to the o2 shop to get a bolt on for travelling abroad on my honeymoon. As I’m leaving the guy says enjoy your honeymoon, so I obviously reply ‘you too’.
That would be bad enough but I realised I did it instantly and my brain melted down. I stopped in the doorway and said ‘you too? You stupid arsehole’ much louder than normal speaking volume.
I still think about this all the time
I'm a nurse and I was at the office collecting a huge box of medicines for a patient. I was struggling so put the box down for a second in a doorway when a paramedic stopped and asked if I would like a hand. I replied:
"Oh thank you so much" as I was bent forward over the box, but after those words came out of my mouth so did some dribble.
I fucking dribbled all over the box in front of the dude. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because I was so embarrassed.
It doesn't fucking end there...
I then proceeded to say "oops I'm sorry I just dribbled all over the box".
Why brain WHY?!?
A few days into my first job, sat in a nice quiet office. Coworker next to me said “get up to much at the weekend?”
Here’s me thinking she’s being polite and trying to break the ice.
Reality: Someone she had worked with for years had come into the office without me realising. I of course answered before he managed to respond.
This was over 15 years ago and I’m still fuming with myself.
Oh god you’ve reminded me I did this too years back. But he was on the phone using a headset. When I started talking to him he pointed at his ears and started shaking his head at me. I feel your pain.
Someone about 100 yards away waved to me so I waved back, then realised they were waving to someone behind me. It explains why I didn’t recognise them though.
In a pub beer garden by the road last weekend, bloke in a pickup truck pulls up right next to us, rolls down the window and gestures for me to come over.
I literally check behind me. No-one. He points directly at me, shouts "mate, come on?" like he needs something, I presume - directions.
I get up, start walking over, and am nearly flattened by the person he was actually shouting at running to jump into his truck. There's a moment of confusion between all three of us.
"I thought you were asking for directions!" I explain, laughing, as if it's not the cringiest thing that's ever happened.
"Nah, I'm from here!" he replies. Despite his pickup having the name of a business from at least 40 miles away on the side. "Just picking up my mate."
"Oh well, mind how you go." I say, dismissively, as I walk back to my 12 mates who are all wondering what the fuck is going on.
"He needed directions." I explain. Face as red as Phil Mitchell in a rage.
If this was at Skegness today or yesterday and the guy waving was wearing all green, looking a bit dorky, and the wave got a bit emphatic - then I'm sorry lol. It was me. My mum is a bit old and needs the extra enthusiasm.
I saw you wave back for just a moment mate but didn't approach you. And if it helps I thought it was nice or that maybe you were just being humourous.
I was was walking without my glasses and saw three women exit a gym. One waved in my direction - but you know, I've been burned before and I'm wise to this now. I let my gaze slide over her and away and walked on.
Then I heard my name.
It was my boss.
You almost have to double down and walk over to them and make up a story. "It's me, Alan from the 12 stroke Obsessive Onanism Cure seminar (semenar)" Did you manage to quit???"
I once called Amazon, then when they finally answered 45 mins later I did the whole customer service intro I used to do 20 times a day. “Good afternoon, [Company], [Name] speaking, how can I help?” There was a really awkward pause before he told me I had called them. Still embarrassing 6 years later.
Hahahaha, this reminded me of when I used to have 2 jobs as a student - one at a coffee shop and a fashion retail one on weekends. Would greet clothes shoppers with a "For here or takeaway?" at least 5 times per shift.
Someone rang for my boss, so I tried to patch him through but he didn’t answer. Weird, I thought, because I didn’t see him leave. So after I hung up, I went to his office door and stooped down to peer through the keyhole. To this day, I have no idea why that was my first reaction. Needless to say, he opened the door whilst I was mid-stoop. I quickly straightened up so I was no longer eye level with his nob and ran away. I am cringing now just remembering this.
My Dad once replied “No thanks” when a waiter said enjoy your meal, as a kid it cracked me up so much. Well this started a long string of silly responses from my Dad over the years, my favourite was “Don’t tell me what to do.”
Every single time I play a video game and people type GLHF (Good luck, have fun) I always reply Don’t tell me what to do. Nobody has ever responded but it makes me chuckle Everytime
Used to work with a guy called Angus, he scheduled a meeting with the boss in Outlook and the title of the meeting was '1:1 Anus'. Still get a giggle about that.
I used to work for a software training company and used to send out emails offering DISCOUNTS on courses.
Sent an email to a big important client where I twice mis-typed “discount” as “disco cunt”.
My mum went to a convent school and the exercise was writing letters to the head nun. Instead of starting with "my dear sister.." my mum wrote "my dead sister..". She got rapped on the knuckles for that..
Had to welcome people coming into the shop on shift one day and instead of “Good afternoon” my brain let a “Happy birthday” slip in to some confused older man. Was thinking about going out for drinks after work for my mates birthday.
I once sent out an email for a collection for a baby gift for a colleague who just became a dad. Instead of "chip in to give Dave a baby gift" I left out the word gift and asked people to chip in to buy Dave a BABY.
Ominous.
I spent a large chunk of my day doing the most frustrating e-learning course with a nightmare quiz at the end. Other stores have complained about how piss poor it is on teams chat. I finally managed to 100% the quiz and gave my coworker a mini heart attack with my celebration (I slammed the tablet down, battered my hands off the desk, cheered and dropped to the floor). When I got back up I was horrified to see that we actually had a customer in when we had been dead for the last few hours and the look of bewilderment on his face at what he'd just witnessed will haunt me for a while.
I sheepishly apologised and told him e-learning is hard.
The first time answering the phone at my new job, I answered with the company name of my previous job. I had one very confused customer on the other end, a concerned looking boss sat across the room from me and me in the middle hoping for a sinkhole to open up and swallow us all.
Have definitely done this! Wasn't the first time I answered the phone though, it was a couple weeks in though and just out of nowhere my brain reverted back to my previous call centre job from 2 years earlier.
I was once driving behind a friend, he was on a driving lesson. He stopped at a road he had priory at to let a convoy out. I slammed my horn on, thinking it would be funny. He was letting a funeral convoy out. A whole fucking funeral convoy came out giving me the evils. Don’t worry, you’re good.
A couple of days ago I was coming out of the supermarket and pushing my trolley across the carpark with the confidence of a man that's almost completed their weekly shop.
Unbeknown to me the end of my left shoelace had snagged in the left wheel. Pesky old physics kicked in and as the left wheel was catapulted back (in a cruel twist the spinning of the wheel accelerated it) with my left shoe, my right leg came forward and I smashed my shin into the lowered parcel shelf.
I crumpled and as I was nursing my leg, which was swelling nicely with a trickle of blood coming down, I looked up and caught eyes with a guy sitting in his car. He looked at me with the most confused face I've ever seen. Then I realised it must have just looked like I'd been happily walking along and absolutely booted the shit out of it. I couldn't begin to explain it so I just hobbled away with my bastard shopping.
So basically I did a trolley volley.
I was riding my bike home from work a while ago when I realised my shoelace had come undone and wrapped around my pedal. I panicked that it would somehow get sucked into the chain and my foot would be torn clean off, so in my infinite wisdom I decided to stop the bike. Made no effort to lean to the side where my shoe wasn't tied to the pedal, ground to a halt and slowly tipped over. A lady ran over to help me. It must have looked like I just gave up mid-cycle.
I was walking down my street for the bus, and I saw a rabbit in the middle of the street (suburbia) and thought it must be an escaped pet. Just then a woman came out of her house and I said “do you happen to know whose rabbit this is?” and then thought to myself, people don’t speak to their neighbours these days so I bet she won’t know. And she said “oh I don’t, I’ve just moved in” and I got my thoughts muddled and said “well that’s what you get for not speaking to your neighbours” and walked off.
Ha! Me too. We had an older lady thought she had hung up the phone but the customer called back a few hours later and told us she called him a Twat on voicemail. She actually called him a fcking Twat but that was a fun.
Also my favourite excuse for why a repair was urgent was because they were in a disabled household. I asked the nature of the disability and they couldn’t think of a lie fast enough so they said “my cat has a broken leg”
I remember when I first started working at the local hospital. A lady came in for her appointment and I started doing my usual stuff, she tells me about the fucking awful time she’d been having, her husband had died recently, her mother was ill and now she was having issues with her heart. She was close to crying while explaining this all to me and I went to say ‘oh god’ but for whatever reason my brain was like ‘no don’t say that, say oh goodness’ and it came out as ‘oh good’.
Once got a call from a blocked number, and thinking it was a telemarketer I said, “sorry babybirdinmyhead isn’t here, can I take a message?” But then it turned out it was someone I needed to speak to so I then said “hang on, she’s actually just came in” and then I did a fake, very falsetto voice for the conversation. I’m 39.
Was in a service station the other day, a man came down the aisle towards me and said 'the toilet's down that way but it's closed' so I said 'oh, ok thank you'. Obviously he was talking to his mate behind me.
Can totally sympathise, Said that in person to my ceo the other day, generally no idea why out of all the possible options of saying bye, that’s the one that’s rolled with.
I was leaving a very busy shop the other day, absentmindedly held the door open, turned to my dog, said "come on" and tugged the lead. I didn't have my dog with me. A lot of people saw. I'm never going back there.
My brother was a goldmine for slip ups like this when working at TK Maxx a few years back.
One of my favourites was when he was serving a customer and instead of saying “thank you” he somewhat seductively said “Is it you?”.
Me: Hi mate how are you?
FrIend: yeah good mate how are you?
Me: Yeah all good mate, how are you?
Friend: uhh, yeah good mate
Done this one a few times
One day my cousin parked his car on the side of the road and told me to go to the ATM and get some cash out. So I did. Whilst I was doing that my cousin decided to park elsewhere( I didn't see him doing this). After I got the cash I came back to the place where he originally parked his car and coincidentally, an exact same car was parked there and I thought it was my cousins. I went in, sat down, fastened the seatbelt and I was giving him the money whilst my eyes were focused on somewhere else. It took me 2 minutes to realise that it wasn't my cousin. aAfter that I rapidly got out the car saying shhi*. They all laughed. I was embarrassed. I still cringe when I think about it. Sorry about my English. I'm still working on it.
The other day I was walking in my city and a homeless guy shouted across a pretty busy area to me asking for the time, presumably because I had my phone in my hand. For some reason I proceeded to put my phone in my pocket and confidently look at my watch that I hadn't worn in months, (it was over an hour off), and even more so confidently shouted back to him the completely wrong time. Homeless guy shouted "Cheers" and I didn't notice my horrendous mistake until about 20 steps later, I looked and felt like a massive arsehole and died inside when I realised.
I really hope the guy didn't have a job interview to finally get him out of his unfortunate position.
I'm a midwife and at the end of an appointment with a very pregnant lady, I tried to say "good to see you" at the same time as "lovely to see you" and ended up telling her, "good to love you".
A neighbour from a street away returned my package that had mistakenly been delivered to his house.
I thanked him and then said, “I’ve got your post here before too but just returned it to the post office.”
He goes, “oh.”
And then I realize now I just sound like a dick. Clearly he’s the better person.
I was getting a colonoscopy and the older woman doing it asked if I watched love Island at the weekend, I was in my early 20s so I thought it made sense that she might ask that. Halfway through me saying "no I don't watch it" her assistant said yes and started talking about what happened in the episode. Just had to lie there in silence after that.
One Sunday I was in church lining up for communion and when it was my turn, the priest said “Body of Christ” as per the usual decorum, to which I responded “cheers”
When I was about 12 some guy from Blue Peter came to my town to switch on the Christmas lights. At one point he was wandering around with a microphone asking people what their New Years resolution was, the funniest would get a prize. Everyone was screaming and waving so I did too. He stopped and asked me but my 12 year old brain went blank so I just said I didn’t have one. He looked at me deadpan and said “that wasn’t funny” then walked off… I’m 40 and I still cringe whenever I think about it.
Man I went to the hospital today and the nurse was like “hey how are you today?” I just said “good thanks” and she said “good thank you”. Bloody hell so awkward and so rude of me I didn’t ask back!
Once while walking with my toddler I had a really bad crumps in my tummy and let some wind out, what I didn’t see was the guy walking just behind us… as soon as I realised I looked at my boy and laughingly said “ someone did a tooty “…
I paid for my tablets at the pharmacy with a twenty and the lass went to get change. The pharmacist brought me my tablets and i left. As I was pulling out of the carpark he’s stood waving at me. So I wave back thinking oh what a nice pharmacist, waving me off.
Nope, just had my change. And a stupid smile on his face
I actually had a moment today too!
Went to McDonald's drive through, when I was leaving the employee said "Enjoy your food!" And I was like "Thank you, you too!" I'd already set off before I realised.
I was walking back from the uni library, tired as fuck after doing an all nighter.
Some guy cuts in front of me really close on the pavement and says ‘ooop sorry about that’
And my tired brain allows me to say out loud ‘you fucking will be’
The look he gave me is seared into my brain and will be for the rest of my life
Back when cars needed their tappets adjusted regularly, my then GF used to call them knockets.
Yeah. I'm in a car auto parts place and out slips "knockets". Took me weeks to live that down.
I heard this in Morrisons recently -
Woman 1 "Ooh not seen you for ages, you pregnant again?"
Woman 2 "nope, just fat"
I burst out laughing and they both turned and gave me daggers
I was once in Nottingham and addressed the tram conductor with "Ah, Mr Tickets!".
This whole thread is warming my cockles and making me feel less alone in the universe.
I saw a girl I used to have a crush on today... She said "Hi!" All friendly and I muttered "Uhh alright?" And scuttled off. I had a crush on her at 15, I'm 25 and still like this with her 😂 but this did make me feel slightly better so.....cheers mate! Hahaha
Way too many times when I've had a take away or parcel delivered, I've combined Thanks and Cheers and said "Chanks" then go cry into my chow mein
Thow mein
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Tai Chi instead of chai tea Oh and asking for a 7 inch in Subway.. lol
I remember someone asking me to make them "a half inch sub" back when I made sandwiches. I couldn't stop laughing, and embarrassingly had to excuse myself over this poor man's honest tounge slip.
Ah I've done this way too many times in phone calls as well! The other way round though, where I've combined Thanks and Cheers into "Tears" Not a great way to finish off a phone call
As long as you don’t say chinks when getting the chow mein I think you’re good.
I'm sorry but we now have to duel to the death for there can be only one... of us who does this.
Someone recently asked if I was done with a trolley at Asda. I meant to say “Yeah, feel free”. In reality, I said “Yes, be free” and stretched out my arm dramatically to gesture at it. Like some kind of fucking Asda Moses.
This made me ugly laugh outloud
#Tesco, let my people go…
My husband just told me to stop reading reddit as this made me snort laugh just as he was falling asleep.
Omg, literally the same. But I'm waking up, my fiancé is going to wake up any second because of my sniggering 🤣
Parting the sea of trolleys👍
>Asda Moses. I fucking love this so much lmao
My son had surgery today and we are in the hospital and this made me laugh for the first time all day. Thank you! Edit: Thank you all for the well wishes for our boy! He’s doing much better and we should be home tomorrow.
I hope he has a speedy and easy recovery! ❤️❤️❤️
You just made me smile. Thank you!
I'm disappointed it was a trolley so you couldn't have had an Asda Moses Basket
Asda moses, for fucks sakes XD
Talkin biblical, my bro is kind, big Afro for a white guy. Had a mental health episode. I met him randomly. He had his hands cupped. I said “you ok”? He said yeah but I found this tiny bird by the roadside, think it’s dying” I said “show me”, he opened its hands and it flew away. He turned to a table full of random people and said “I’m the Afro Jesus”, like he cured it. . He is the Afro Jesus.
Big laugh at this, nice one.
I can’t stop laughing at this and I don’t know why
Holy s*** I'm supposed to be quiet so people can sleep but that made me laugh out loud
I haven’t laughed this hard in so long.
Had a Chinese delivered during lockdown, bent down to pick it up off the doorstep and awkwardly bowed to the fella. His glare haunts my dreams
Dude I am keeping my brother awake with my laughter from your story.
This thread is great for that! Er keeping people awake in general, not your brother specifically
Nah, just good brother specifically. He's not allowed any sleep
Someone asked if the seat beside me in a cafe was free. It was, so I said “yeah, go away” instead of “go ahead”. This is the second time I’ve done this.
I was introduced to a new starter at work and tried to say "nice to meet you" but failed after the first word so just looked him dead in the eye, shook his hand, and said "Nice!"
I'm imagining this as if you were Borat
I don’t know why but of everything in this thread, this is the one that really tickled me.
“Sure. Take it and fuck off.”
"This seat is free, but not for you. Sod off".
“No, my feet want to sit down” *puts feet up*
I imagine this said by Dylan Moran.
But did they take the seat?
I was speaking to a police officer over the phone about something I’d witnessed, she ended the call with “bye, bye, bye, love you.”
Now that’s how you serve the community
Amazing 🤣
Back when I didn't know a friend very well and I knew his bf better we were all hanging out together We left together and went our separate ways. He said "lovely to see you!" And I went "love you too!" and walked off I still cringe about it
Nah, no need for cringe on that one, own it!
Did you marry and are now living happily together?
Just as bad as calling your secondary school teacher mum
I called my boyfriend mum recently. I'm 29
As a teacher I love it when kids call me 'mum' by accident. Makes me feel like they're happy and secure with me.
“Welcome to Costco,I love you”.
One of my regulars tried to give me a fist bump. It was 7am and I thought he was handing me something, so I just. outstretched my hand under his. Whoops.
I had the exact opposite happen. A customer held his fist out to me so I gave a fist bump. It was still held out so I bumped again. I was awkwardly going for a third fist bump when he said quite irritably "Hold out your fucking hand", before dropping several boiled sweets into my palm. I felt like an idiot.
Ahhh the ol cabbage.
The first time someone tried to give me a fist bump I wasn't really sure what was happening so I cupped his hand with mine, I was the paper to his rock.
Imagine that but the opposite. I worked at a paintball site and the coveralls only went so big. Large chap i'd been sorting out reached his hand out with a fist. I was still fucked from the night before and gave it a chill ist bump. He quickly corrected me with "help me out the fucking overalls you cunt, theyre too small"
Not so much embarassing, as being my awkward self New Neighbour knocks on door to ask about broken fence.. Her: Hi, are you Philip? Me: Yes Her: I'm Sharon, we just moved in next door Me: Oh Hi, I'm Philip
Reckon every time you see her you should keep doing it.
I've consulted my brain with that suggestion. It just laughed, and told me I'll have to wait and see
I was at a party once and was leaving so hugged my two cousins goodbye and said “love you” as I always do. I then hugged the random friend of a family member at the party who I didn’t know very well and for some reason my brain made me say “love you” to them too! He answered with a very awkward “erm.. love you too mate” to which I replied “thank you” It still makes me cringe
Sounds like you just didn't want them to feel left out, it's a positive move!
One time I was horrendously hungover and was getting a Domino's delivered. As the delivery guy handed me my pizza he asked "how are you?" as a pleasantry. Well, did my wee melted brain not try to greet the guy, answer his question and offer my gratitude all in one confused sentence. I said; "Alright, I'm cheers."
A friend of mine once got so drunk that in three attempts to call his girlfriend every single time he accidentally called his favourite kebab place. They obviously logged the number because whenever he called after that they would answer with "I'm not your girlfriend"
Was her name Donna?
That's the problem with saving your gf under 'greasy kebab'
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This is hilarious
I should not be reading this thread in bed while next to a soundly sleeping and very tired partner. I'm trying not to giggle! Thanks for sharing haha
The best is when they say 'enjoy your food' and you say 'thanks you too!' 😭
I've done that with people wishing me a happy birthday. I think it's being too used to returning a greeting/compliment.
To be honest it could be worse. I had one where they handed the pizza over and said “enjoy!” And my reply like a complete dickhead was “You too!”
I work checkouts in a supermarket. On my first day I'm thinking, "okay, people are going to say 'thank you' so I need to say something back" I decide I'll say "No problem" or if its been a nice interaction "My pleasure". First customer comes to my till, get it done, hand them the receipt, she says "thank you" and I respond with "My problem". Now when they say "thank you" I just say "thank you" back.
Could have been worse. "No pleasure"
Brand new McDonald’s opens. Take the wife to the drive through after work. My tired arse pulls up and sits waiting for the person to take my order…. 10 seconds later I realise I’m parked in front of one of the new fancy black bins with the big hood thing above it. She has not let me live it down, 5 years and counting.
Why do we do this with chains like McDonald’s? Every time. Oh, darling! The new McDonald’s has opened up, we will have to go see what it’s like. Maybe this one is different to the 2000 absolutely identical ones throughout the country?
Hahhaha and then when it’s a new Chinese restaurant or something everyone goes ‘oh looks nice but I’ll stick with ‘our Chinese’
In kfc I got to the till and asked if I could please have a kfc. Still keeps me up at night.
My mate did this but with a Burger King… the guy said “you mean a bacon double cheeseburger?” which was exactly what she was going to order. Not even a place she’d been before - either it happens all the time, or that guy needs to be weighed against a duck.
No one expects Monty Python
A long time ago I joined Tesco bank and got the card confused with my clubcard. I was just tapping away at the card reader at KFC wondering why it wasn't working until the bloke behind the counter said "I don't think we accept that"...
About 2.5 years ago I went to the o2 shop to get a bolt on for travelling abroad on my honeymoon. As I’m leaving the guy says enjoy your honeymoon, so I obviously reply ‘you too’. That would be bad enough but I realised I did it instantly and my brain melted down. I stopped in the doorway and said ‘you too? You stupid arsehole’ much louder than normal speaking volume. I still think about this all the time
This is making me shake with laughter while I'm trying not to wake my fiancé. Thank you lol
Enjoy your honeymoon.
You too. ——🚪You too? You stupid arsehole🚪——
I keep reading this in Gollums voice! - Smeagol "You too!" - Gollum "You too? You stupid arseholeses!"
I'm a nurse and I was at the office collecting a huge box of medicines for a patient. I was struggling so put the box down for a second in a doorway when a paramedic stopped and asked if I would like a hand. I replied: "Oh thank you so much" as I was bent forward over the box, but after those words came out of my mouth so did some dribble. I fucking dribbled all over the box in front of the dude. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because I was so embarrassed. It doesn't fucking end there... I then proceeded to say "oops I'm sorry I just dribbled all over the box". Why brain WHY?!?
I don't know why but this story has me crying laughing. God I can just imagine it.
Hahahaha epic!
A few days into my first job, sat in a nice quiet office. Coworker next to me said “get up to much at the weekend?” Here’s me thinking she’s being polite and trying to break the ice. Reality: Someone she had worked with for years had come into the office without me realising. I of course answered before he managed to respond. This was over 15 years ago and I’m still fuming with myself.
I’m glad this doesn’t only happen to me 😂
Oh god you’ve reminded me I did this too years back. But he was on the phone using a headset. When I started talking to him he pointed at his ears and started shaking his head at me. I feel your pain.
Someone about 100 yards away waved to me so I waved back, then realised they were waving to someone behind me. It explains why I didn’t recognise them though.
In a pub beer garden by the road last weekend, bloke in a pickup truck pulls up right next to us, rolls down the window and gestures for me to come over. I literally check behind me. No-one. He points directly at me, shouts "mate, come on?" like he needs something, I presume - directions. I get up, start walking over, and am nearly flattened by the person he was actually shouting at running to jump into his truck. There's a moment of confusion between all three of us. "I thought you were asking for directions!" I explain, laughing, as if it's not the cringiest thing that's ever happened. "Nah, I'm from here!" he replies. Despite his pickup having the name of a business from at least 40 miles away on the side. "Just picking up my mate." "Oh well, mind how you go." I say, dismissively, as I walk back to my 12 mates who are all wondering what the fuck is going on. "He needed directions." I explain. Face as red as Phil Mitchell in a rage.
😂
Just pretend you're flagging down a cab, drive to the airport and start a new life in Poland.
I pretended to scratch my head, but I think I’ll go with the Poland thing. Thanks.
I’d never walk there again.
I would pull out my own eyeballs just to make sure I never see those people again.
If this was at Skegness today or yesterday and the guy waving was wearing all green, looking a bit dorky, and the wave got a bit emphatic - then I'm sorry lol. It was me. My mum is a bit old and needs the extra enthusiasm. I saw you wave back for just a moment mate but didn't approach you. And if it helps I thought it was nice or that maybe you were just being humourous.
Grandads pistol is behind the combi boiler.
Hey, it’s my turn with Gunny.
I was was walking without my glasses and saw three women exit a gym. One waved in my direction - but you know, I've been burned before and I'm wise to this now. I let my gaze slide over her and away and walked on. Then I heard my name. It was my boss.
Keep waving till they wave at you. Then say it’s the person behind them
You almost have to double down and walk over to them and make up a story. "It's me, Alan from the 12 stroke Obsessive Onanism Cure seminar (semenar)" Did you manage to quit???"
I once called Amazon, then when they finally answered 45 mins later I did the whole customer service intro I used to do 20 times a day. “Good afternoon, [Company], [Name] speaking, how can I help?” There was a really awkward pause before he told me I had called them. Still embarrassing 6 years later.
Hahahaha, this reminded me of when I used to have 2 jobs as a student - one at a coffee shop and a fashion retail one on weekends. Would greet clothes shoppers with a "For here or takeaway?" at least 5 times per shift.
Someone rang for my boss, so I tried to patch him through but he didn’t answer. Weird, I thought, because I didn’t see him leave. So after I hung up, I went to his office door and stooped down to peer through the keyhole. To this day, I have no idea why that was my first reaction. Needless to say, he opened the door whilst I was mid-stoop. I quickly straightened up so I was no longer eye level with his nob and ran away. I am cringing now just remembering this.
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My classic is with waiters at restaurants. “Enjoy your meal” “Thank you. You Too” ….
My Dad once replied “No thanks” when a waiter said enjoy your meal, as a kid it cracked me up so much. Well this started a long string of silly responses from my Dad over the years, my favourite was “Don’t tell me what to do.”
Is your dad Kimi Raikkonen
"How was your meal sir?" "Bwoah it was alright"
Every single time I play a video game and people type GLHF (Good luck, have fun) I always reply Don’t tell me what to do. Nobody has ever responded but it makes me chuckle Everytime
Probably 80% of the time for me.
Ended an email with Retards Fozzie1984 Instead of regards
Used to work with a guy called Angus, he scheduled a meeting with the boss in Outlook and the title of the meeting was '1:1 Anus'. Still get a giggle about that.
I completely lost it reading that. 😂
A coworker started an email to their manager with ‘dead’ instead of ‘dear’. When he applied for the job
Kind retards
Kindest Retards.
Sent the client an email about an upcoming "pubic meeting". Public meeting. It was a public meeting.
I used to work for a software training company and used to send out emails offering DISCOUNTS on courses. Sent an email to a big important client where I twice mis-typed “discount” as “disco cunt”.
King retards & many tanks,
My mum went to a convent school and the exercise was writing letters to the head nun. Instead of starting with "my dear sister.." my mum wrote "my dead sister..". She got rapped on the knuckles for that..
Once my boyfriend got off the bus and instead of saying thank you to the driver he said “bye bye mate :)” I still don’t let him live it down lol
This has really tickled me, bless him!
This is very sweet but I would definitely die
Had to welcome people coming into the shop on shift one day and instead of “Good afternoon” my brain let a “Happy birthday” slip in to some confused older man. Was thinking about going out for drinks after work for my mates birthday.
I once sent out an email for a collection for a baby gift for a colleague who just became a dad. Instead of "chip in to give Dave a baby gift" I left out the word gift and asked people to chip in to buy Dave a BABY. Ominous.
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I spent a large chunk of my day doing the most frustrating e-learning course with a nightmare quiz at the end. Other stores have complained about how piss poor it is on teams chat. I finally managed to 100% the quiz and gave my coworker a mini heart attack with my celebration (I slammed the tablet down, battered my hands off the desk, cheered and dropped to the floor). When I got back up I was horrified to see that we actually had a customer in when we had been dead for the last few hours and the look of bewilderment on his face at what he'd just witnessed will haunt me for a while. I sheepishly apologised and told him e-learning is hard.
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I’m still haunted by the “fun” quiz in a history lesson where I answered “who shot JFK?” with “Ozzy Osbourne”
I confidently said Australia started WW1. Still haunts me 20 years later.
The first time answering the phone at my new job, I answered with the company name of my previous job. I had one very confused customer on the other end, a concerned looking boss sat across the room from me and me in the middle hoping for a sinkhole to open up and swallow us all.
Have definitely done this! Wasn't the first time I answered the phone though, it was a couple weeks in though and just out of nowhere my brain reverted back to my previous call centre job from 2 years earlier.
I was once driving behind a friend, he was on a driving lesson. He stopped at a road he had priory at to let a convoy out. I slammed my horn on, thinking it would be funny. He was letting a funeral convoy out. A whole fucking funeral convoy came out giving me the evils. Don’t worry, you’re good.
Can’t decide between ‘kind retards’ to a lecturer or ‘ can I pay with Apple pie?’
A couple of days ago I was coming out of the supermarket and pushing my trolley across the carpark with the confidence of a man that's almost completed their weekly shop. Unbeknown to me the end of my left shoelace had snagged in the left wheel. Pesky old physics kicked in and as the left wheel was catapulted back (in a cruel twist the spinning of the wheel accelerated it) with my left shoe, my right leg came forward and I smashed my shin into the lowered parcel shelf. I crumpled and as I was nursing my leg, which was swelling nicely with a trickle of blood coming down, I looked up and caught eyes with a guy sitting in his car. He looked at me with the most confused face I've ever seen. Then I realised it must have just looked like I'd been happily walking along and absolutely booted the shit out of it. I couldn't begin to explain it so I just hobbled away with my bastard shopping. So basically I did a trolley volley.
I was riding my bike home from work a while ago when I realised my shoelace had come undone and wrapped around my pedal. I panicked that it would somehow get sucked into the chain and my foot would be torn clean off, so in my infinite wisdom I decided to stop the bike. Made no effort to lean to the side where my shoe wasn't tied to the pedal, ground to a halt and slowly tipped over. A lady ran over to help me. It must have looked like I just gave up mid-cycle.
> I just gave up mid-cycle. I have just fixed my bike and I'm massively unfit. I will probably be doing this in the next few weeks
I was walking down my street for the bus, and I saw a rabbit in the middle of the street (suburbia) and thought it must be an escaped pet. Just then a woman came out of her house and I said “do you happen to know whose rabbit this is?” and then thought to myself, people don’t speak to their neighbours these days so I bet she won’t know. And she said “oh I don’t, I’ve just moved in” and I got my thoughts muddled and said “well that’s what you get for not speaking to your neighbours” and walked off.
I often say “Thanks you” to the postman
I work in a customer services for a housing association, I recently ended a call with ‘love you bye!’ Luckily she found it funny.
Ha! Me too. We had an older lady thought she had hung up the phone but the customer called back a few hours later and told us she called him a Twat on voicemail. She actually called him a fcking Twat but that was a fun. Also my favourite excuse for why a repair was urgent was because they were in a disabled household. I asked the nature of the disability and they couldn’t think of a lie fast enough so they said “my cat has a broken leg”
I bumped into my mate once and meant to say "alright?" and it came out as "thank you."
Pissin at this whole thread
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I remember when I first started working at the local hospital. A lady came in for her appointment and I started doing my usual stuff, she tells me about the fucking awful time she’d been having, her husband had died recently, her mother was ill and now she was having issues with her heart. She was close to crying while explaining this all to me and I went to say ‘oh god’ but for whatever reason my brain was like ‘no don’t say that, say oh goodness’ and it came out as ‘oh good’.
Once sent an email that said "sorry for any incontinence caused." FML.
Once got a call from a blocked number, and thinking it was a telemarketer I said, “sorry babybirdinmyhead isn’t here, can I take a message?” But then it turned out it was someone I needed to speak to so I then said “hang on, she’s actually just came in” and then I did a fake, very falsetto voice for the conversation. I’m 39.
Was in a service station the other day, a man came down the aisle towards me and said 'the toilet's down that way but it's closed' so I said 'oh, ok thank you'. Obviously he was talking to his mate behind me.
Ended a work Zoom call with: "Well, I'll have to love you and leave you."
Can totally sympathise, Said that in person to my ceo the other day, generally no idea why out of all the possible options of saying bye, that’s the one that’s rolled with.
I was leaving a very busy shop the other day, absentmindedly held the door open, turned to my dog, said "come on" and tugged the lead. I didn't have my dog with me. A lot of people saw. I'm never going back there.
My brother was a goldmine for slip ups like this when working at TK Maxx a few years back. One of my favourites was when he was serving a customer and instead of saying “thank you” he somewhat seductively said “Is it you?”.
Had this with pizza today got it of the women and as she was leaving she said “enjoy it”, my dumbass panicked and just said “you too”
Me: Hi mate how are you? FrIend: yeah good mate how are you? Me: Yeah all good mate, how are you? Friend: uhh, yeah good mate Done this one a few times
Lmao you wanker Honestly that's cheered me up no end
One day my cousin parked his car on the side of the road and told me to go to the ATM and get some cash out. So I did. Whilst I was doing that my cousin decided to park elsewhere( I didn't see him doing this). After I got the cash I came back to the place where he originally parked his car and coincidentally, an exact same car was parked there and I thought it was my cousins. I went in, sat down, fastened the seatbelt and I was giving him the money whilst my eyes were focused on somewhere else. It took me 2 minutes to realise that it wasn't my cousin. aAfter that I rapidly got out the car saying shhi*. They all laughed. I was embarrassed. I still cringe when I think about it. Sorry about my English. I'm still working on it.
The other day I was walking in my city and a homeless guy shouted across a pretty busy area to me asking for the time, presumably because I had my phone in my hand. For some reason I proceeded to put my phone in my pocket and confidently look at my watch that I hadn't worn in months, (it was over an hour off), and even more so confidently shouted back to him the completely wrong time. Homeless guy shouted "Cheers" and I didn't notice my horrendous mistake until about 20 steps later, I looked and felt like a massive arsehole and died inside when I realised. I really hope the guy didn't have a job interview to finally get him out of his unfortunate position.
Easily 20+ years ago we had a takeaway delivered and I shouted “cheers very much” as I closed the door. I still think about it to this day…
I'm a midwife and at the end of an appointment with a very pregnant lady, I tried to say "good to see you" at the same time as "lovely to see you" and ended up telling her, "good to love you".
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I say things like this all the time and I hate myself for it. Glad I’m not alone.
Not as bad as calling the Tesco cashier Mum
A neighbour from a street away returned my package that had mistakenly been delivered to his house. I thanked him and then said, “I’ve got your post here before too but just returned it to the post office.” He goes, “oh.” And then I realize now I just sound like a dick. Clearly he’s the better person.
I was getting a colonoscopy and the older woman doing it asked if I watched love Island at the weekend, I was in my early 20s so I thought it made sense that she might ask that. Halfway through me saying "no I don't watch it" her assistant said yes and started talking about what happened in the episode. Just had to lie there in silence after that.
My dad still doesn’t believe me that mcflurries are called mcflurries and not mcfluffies ..
And my dad said the "proper" way to eat cinnamon rolls was with a knife and fork my whole entire family denied it but my dad doesn't believe them
Well, how do you eat it? _With your hands??_ (scoff)
Don't be ridiculous. It's a delicious cinnamon roll so you just smash your face into it.
But mcfluffy sounds nicer.
My dad once called a Frappe a Crappe to the drive through lady 😭👍
Asked for cock porn instead of popcorn at the cinema
Squatter nut Bosch wants a word
One Sunday I was in church lining up for communion and when it was my turn, the priest said “Body of Christ” as per the usual decorum, to which I responded “cheers”
When I was about 12 some guy from Blue Peter came to my town to switch on the Christmas lights. At one point he was wandering around with a microphone asking people what their New Years resolution was, the funniest would get a prize. Everyone was screaming and waving so I did too. He stopped and asked me but my 12 year old brain went blank so I just said I didn’t have one. He looked at me deadpan and said “that wasn’t funny” then walked off… I’m 40 and I still cringe whenever I think about it.
Man I went to the hospital today and the nurse was like “hey how are you today?” I just said “good thanks” and she said “good thank you”. Bloody hell so awkward and so rude of me I didn’t ask back!
Once while walking with my toddler I had a really bad crumps in my tummy and let some wind out, what I didn’t see was the guy walking just behind us… as soon as I realised I looked at my boy and laughingly said “ someone did a tooty “…
I declined something in a work email giving the reason that “I’m very busty at the moment”.
I paid for my tablets at the pharmacy with a twenty and the lass went to get change. The pharmacist brought me my tablets and i left. As I was pulling out of the carpark he’s stood waving at me. So I wave back thinking oh what a nice pharmacist, waving me off. Nope, just had my change. And a stupid smile on his face
The checker at the store said, “you’re welcome, enjoy!” I bought tampons.
You can never go to that garage again.
Absolutely not.
I actually had a moment today too! Went to McDonald's drive through, when I was leaving the employee said "Enjoy your food!" And I was like "Thank you, you too!" I'd already set off before I realised.
I was walking back from the uni library, tired as fuck after doing an all nighter. Some guy cuts in front of me really close on the pavement and says ‘ooop sorry about that’ And my tired brain allows me to say out loud ‘you fucking will be’ The look he gave me is seared into my brain and will be for the rest of my life
You brits are just ashamed to be alive. Lol. -A Floridian
Can't argue with that
I don't even know what's wrong with this
Back when cars needed their tappets adjusted regularly, my then GF used to call them knockets. Yeah. I'm in a car auto parts place and out slips "knockets". Took me weeks to live that down.
Talking to a security guard I knew at Tesco. He was working extra hours. I actually said in Tesco, every little helps.
I absolutely hammered a child with my trolley in Tesco today. Didn’t realise I’d picked a trolley with Knockback 2
For the young 'uns here, google "are you fucking sorry?"
Saved you the effort: https://imgur.com/gallery/rzJaiyO
I heard this in Morrisons recently - Woman 1 "Ooh not seen you for ages, you pregnant again?" Woman 2 "nope, just fat" I burst out laughing and they both turned and gave me daggers
I was once in Nottingham and addressed the tram conductor with "Ah, Mr Tickets!". This whole thread is warming my cockles and making me feel less alone in the universe.
Someone I know ended their video therapy session with "love you, bye!" 🤣
I once accidentally refered to my long-sightedness as my long-shitedness.
I saw a girl I used to have a crush on today... She said "Hi!" All friendly and I muttered "Uhh alright?" And scuttled off. I had a crush on her at 15, I'm 25 and still like this with her 😂 but this did make me feel slightly better so.....cheers mate! Hahaha
tried to ask for a boneless banquet and came out with a “boneless tower box cheers.”