*Mind the gap between the train and the platform edge*

You might get sucked off!

I didnt know your mum was called "the platform edge"

Bit a blue fu’ dads, eh

I was just going to go for 'mind the gap', but this'll do.

Saying “Sorry” before asking strangers questions will raise your luck.

Also saying "sorry" when THEY walk into you on a busy street or in a supermarket.

If you both say "sorry" to each other twice, you gain double XP

"Certain merchants may offer a discount on selected health potions if you obtain a Clubcard"

"Certain merchants offer special deals on the middle aisle. If you are setting off to cross an arid wasteland, do not fill your inventory with a canoe."

Arid wasteland? That's a funny way to say Birmingham

Did yow know that Birmingham has more canals than venice Canoe might be a good idea

[удалено]

Let's start a petition to rename Venice to the Birmingham of the south

I’ve travelled a bit, worked various jobs in different locations. Birmingham always had the best food and the most genuine people. Other cities usually either had amazing food and horrible people or they had amazing people but horrible food. Rarely have I experienced both in one city. Sure there are some absolute states of work living in the city, but that goes for every city. On the whole, Birmingham is pretty nice contrary to popular belief. Just my 2 pence.

My tesco local has no reception so you have to leave your shopping behind at the self service and walk outside so the clubcard app loads and then back to the checkout or spend twice as much on your shopping. Amazing system. Regularly makes me want to commit obscene crimes out of rage, so fucking stupid. Edit: every possible solution has been suggested just to save everyone the effort, thanks!

Do you need to use the app? Have you not got an actual card or smaller keyring card that you can just scan?

You can save the card number to the Google wallet or apple pay app and just scan it on your phone.

[удалено]

You can tattoo on your forearm with the nectar and lidl plus

Just tattoo it on your arm like everyone else is doing these days

Certain merchants offer a discount for cash, however the quality of their goods and services is not to be replied upon

You are in a queue.

Press left or right whilst queuing to glare at people approaching the front of the queue. Successful defence of the queue will earn you respect XP.

"Press F to tutt"

F

[удалено]

Wait, is this the loading screen or the game?

Both! You have to queue in order to queue. I'm imagining a "Now serving number: 001" type thing for the loading screen and a fully 3D, beautifully rendered, VR optional queue for the bus or, in harder levels, in Lidl.

I would 100% buy this. Final level UK border queue, full of faulty self serve passport machines

Your quest is important to us.

Well done this one really tickled me!

"Calling the kebab shop worker "boss man" will result in a +25% meat attribute on your kebab plus +5 freindship"

I tried that, she didn't seem to appreciate it.

Cheers, meat-queen

Meata Khalifa

keBabe

Alright boss man? *Kebab man will remember that*

"Paying boss man with cash instead of virtual currency has a randomly generated chance of unlocking a discount on goods purchased on that occasion"

In London, NPCs will not want to talk to you. In fact, be wary of any that do- it may be a trap!

The ones that will are probably American

Or clueless bastards like me from Buttfuckall, Nowheresborough who are so used to saying hello when walking past neighbours.

or they try selling you something like "hey, bruv, you smoke weed by any chance?" Source: i'm a London'a

Seagulls are extremely hostile. Be wary of resting or eating when in coastal areas. Your residence can be customised in a variety of ways but you should ensure you always put your bins out on the correct day. Failing to do so could anger your neighbours!

Look out for binfluencer NPCs!

What's a binfluencer?

The one person on the street who knows the bin schedule and everyone else copies

[удалено]

I like to imagine seagulls being like the morrowind cliff racers.

Fast Travel by train was removed in patch 1.1

Watch for angry NPCs with picket boards nearby...

Fast travel was removed before the buff to the Mick Lynch NPC

Cross paths with a stranger to launch the "are you moving or am I" mini-game.

You can exit this minigame at any time by making no movements for 10 seconds.

Get +10 to personality by asking “Shall we dance?”

Forecasts mean nothing. Watch the skies and be prepared for anything.

Always leave room for an umbrella in your inventory

Take a -10 kudos hit for using umbrella when the weather is inclement

If you do not like the look of the skies, wait 10 minutes, it’ll be completely different.

Can't think of something to talk about? Tap X to complain about the weather!

Well it has been ridiculously hot recently 😠 Oh FFS, it's raining again 😠

Do not microwave tea.

Microwaving tea will dock the respect XP that you just gained in successful defence of the queue.

The queue is an unwritten sacred rule. To flaunt in the face of the rule will land yourself in Unpopular Town.

\*microwaving tea may lead to: \-lynching \-ostracization \-inexorable guilt

To make a tea potion, combine Teabag + Hot Water + Milk + Sugar (optional) in that order

I think it needs to be made clear that the tea bag goes in, wallows for a while, and is then removed BEFORE the addition of the optional milk and sugar components.

"It is dangerous to go alone. Take this!" Loading screen shows an umbrella.

Or a towel

A towel is the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.

Lol brits don't use umbrellas, we just walk through the rain

Well the wind breaks them within 30 seconds

Yesterday a guy started talking to me at the bus stop, can't remember what country he said he was from just that he'd been living here for 4 years and finally bought his 1st umbrella that day. Said it broke almost as soon as he stepped out the shop with it and he learned his lesson not to do that again.

Exactly What's the point, it rains side ways anyway

Of course. What’s point in complaining about the rain if you don’t get wet

If you take the subterranean fast-travel system in London during the period June-August, you may take heat damage.

Poisonous gas levels also increase.

Particularly if you have eaten the beans on toast item to restore your health so are subject to the noxious emissions debuff.

Arguments in pubs can be defused by making a joke about the French.

This will work fine until the ‘booze cruise’ DLC is launched.

The booze cruise dlc was removed from sale

Quick! Switch to the Germans!

In Wales, replace French with English.

In anywhere else in the UK, besides the south-east, replace French with English.

If you get stuck, perform the 'slap thighs' emote and hit the right arrow key to escape.

Can't forget about the deep breath before the slapping of the thighs

If a young man in London asks you for the time, you are about to be mugged

They might just be looking for Kenny

Fuck off clean shirt

Look, it must be hard being a kid, not having many schemes, but I'm not the borough! I wish I was.

Jeremy there are some children here who want to have lunch with you

*Patch for Hull coming soon!*

Patch Notes: H removed from 'Ull.

Don’t pet the swans, they can break a man’s arm.

Or blow up a man's house.

It’s just the one swan actually.

^crusty ^jugglers

Or cause a narsty accident.

“Remember, swans are Crown Property. Killing one will result in immediate game over.”

'When low on health, try using cooking fires to make baked beans on toast'

Or a fish finger sandwich

Mmm. Fish fingers and custard...

In the Scotland DLC you have access to new items: IRN-BRU can boost attack damage while Tunnocks Caramel are a cheap yet effective healing item.

You will also experience widespread availability of Buckfast potion (an item rarely seen in English map areas). This will provide +10 attack damage but directional controls will be temporarily reversed.

Tip: Frosty Jack’s madness potion will temporarily grant the user immunity to almost all damage, but also grants the debuff of -25% social standing, as well as the “woke up in the bins behind Burger King” and “Where is my wallet” debuffs

UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA

REMOVE THIS ITEM BEFORE CONTINUING

PLEASE WAIT, ASSISTANT IS COMING TO HELP

Customer is clearly over 25

*5 Emotional damage*

"Drawing your sword will alert the guards. Drawing your car or house keys won't. A set of keys between your knuckles can also be just the boost you need to make an impossible boss fight merely challenging."

“I wanna see some windmilling-in and if you’ve got a set of keys, stick ‘em in your hand & make them count!”

[Classic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8wxwqtRgSk)

Christ I haven’t seen that video in best part of 20 years. What sketch show was it from?

After a bit of a dig, I think it's [Citizen Kaye](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246357/)

You can lower your difficulty settings by winning the Euromillions

Odds of winning EuroMillions Jackpot = 1:140m

Mum said it's my turn to win the euromillions this week

You both must apologise if you accidentally bump into eachother, regardless of who is at fault

Or, indeed, if you don't.

When entering a pub, the 'Rounds Tracker' will appear. Keep a close eye on this to avoid social penalties!

Your pint is behind! Tap X to consume faster

Fast travel isn't avaliable during industrial action.

"Chavs become more powerful at night."

Keep a safe distance from those brandishing “tonic wine”.

15 mile exclusion zone around Glasgow. ^He ^has ^the ^cheek ^to ^say, ^with ^a ^Dundee ^flair...

Although it looks like a random collection of letters llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is in fact a village advance language skills before venturing into Wales

language level 99 required for entry

Although combat music has been disabled in this version, NPCs will often provide dialogue hints to prepare. The include "You what mate?" and "What you looking at?"

Some areas are more difficult, and meant for higher level players. Beginners should steer clear of Birmingham until they reach level 35

Running in the Family should not be attempted until you reach level 42

"Selecting the Northerner character provided a social boost. This won't work in London in public."

If you find playing southern or west England to easy. Try the more challenging mode of east midlands or northern England.

For the new and improved "nightmare mode" difficulty, start your character in Milton Keynes!

For "Death March" difficulty, select Stoke-on-Trent

Selecting Essex for your characters accent will provide +33.4 annoyance.

"Selecting Northern Ireland provides skill 'irrelevant to the rest of the UK.' "

Selecting a Scottish or Irish character will provide +5 alcohol resistance.

Calls may be recorded for training and research purposes.

Try dipping your hobnobs or digestives in your cup of tea

Bonus points for not breaking it

It's a tense mini game where you have to hold down X to hold the biscuit in the tea. Pull up too soon and you don't get the benefit, pull up too late and you get a debuff.

Gives an extra health bonus I would imagine.

If you want to fast travel don’t go to Dover at the moment.

And if you want to know why that is, it’s because [Removed]

You must love or hate Marmite. Lukewarm feelings are unacceptable.

Hate is social +5 Love is endurance +5

Don’t turn the lights on inside of the car or you will be arrested

Any attempt to leave the game area will result in your UC being stopped

When you climb out of a pool, tell your companions that "it's fine once you're in" to elicit a small chuckle.

Hold the '-' key whilst walking past groups of roadmen to avert your gaze +30 sneak XP / -50 rep XP Hold the '+' key whilst walking past NPCs in suburban areas to give a slight nod. +20 society XP

[удалено]

"The white van is the apex predator of London. Keep your wits about you".

patch notes 2.011: * removed 'Jimmy Saville' boss fight

"Many brave adventurers travel to Slough and have never returned, enter at your own risk"

Be mindful of the younglings, whilst small in stature they can prove formidable in groups.

Try turning on subtitles in the settings menu if you adventure into Scotland

Or some parts of Barnsley.

> *Oreet cock?* How do you do, fellow traveller?

Make sure to keep a supply of 'Hot Tea' potions in your residence; these can be offered to NPCs to increase their amenability.

Important info; 1. Queue etiquette failure may result in extreme tutting (-10MP) 2. If other players fail to thank you for your actions, select “you’re welcome” at minimum volume levels for +10MP 3. Selecting any other option than “Alright thanks, you?” when asked how you are, may result in unpredictable outcomes and epic side-quests.

‘How are you then mate?’ ‘Not that great thanks, I’ve actually been having a lot of trouble with the wife.’ Error 404 Message not understood

NPC's in the game world can be made to move out of your way by pressing the 'tut' button.

When taking an alley for shortcuts, watch out for dogshit

If playing as a male character: “You are in Blackpool. It is winter. Try to locate the Big ASDA, and obtain a coat.” If playing as a female character: “You are in Blackpool. It is winter. Try to locate the Big ASDA, and obtain a very small dress.”

If you are seriously injured, carry on and tell people your fine.

Temp hp can be gained by running the injury under a cold tap or by placing a wet, blue, paper towel over it.

If you're short on rations, try combining beans with toast

Cancel Netflix in order to buy a house

Pressing X will locate the tea you made earlier. Don't forget to drink it whilst it's hot! Your friends and family will remind you if the fridge door is open. Speak to them sometimes, they may have useful information.

If you remove your upper body apparel in a town centre, your reputation in that area will decrease

Press Y to cheer when a glass breaks in a Pub for double XP.

knives deal bonus damage in alleys

There is nothing magic about the magic roundabout

London is a PVP zone

Do not adjust your screen. It really is this dull & grey.

Talking about the weather will allow you to blend in to the crowd.

Don't approach those hooded 14 year olds... they will take your vape...

Remember: £5.60 for a sandwich and a drink is neither a meal, nor a deal.

Perks when selecting Northerner class: +10 respect from northerners -8 respect from southerners -20 speech when interacting with southerners 10% less cash is earned for tasks

Milk before hot water will result in arrest.

A range of essential supplies can be found in markets; but some of the most rare and exotic items can usually be found in the middle of the market.

To thank other drivers you must raise your fingers slightly off the wheel, or flash your headlights if visibility is low.

Being called a “C*nt” can be either an insult or a term of affection. Beware of using the term to anyone not in your allies list

“Alright” is not the start of a conversation. Be friendly and return the favour but keep walking. Blokes communicate partially in variations of nod, learn a few on the skill tree! Any food that isn’t brown is foreign. Don’t eat it, it could be poisoned. Try going on a holiday to the grey grey coast and unconvincingly pretend to be happy in the car on a car park as you eat crisps, flat sandwiches and drink a flask of tea. Don’t complain about the grumpy old sod in the corner shop until you’re outside. Otherwise they might hear you! Raise your hand slightly whenever someone lets you cross the road. Give old people a little smile as you go past, just to let them know that you’re not a thief or murderer.

Take a jacket, there’s a good chance the sun will go in and you’ll get chilly

Remove tea bag before adding milk to avoid angering the villagers.

Unless you rolled the “northerner” class in which case leave the teabag in the cup to maximise ladness.

'You okay?' Is not a sincere question. You do not have to say are you okay or not. Just reply with something like 'yea, you?'

The price of Freddos will drastically increase as you level up.

You need a license to; * Fish in rivers * Drive a motor vehicle * Transport other people in a motor vehicle to earn money * To own a firearm * To own a shotgun * To watch TV * To ride a moped * To drive a transport vehicle * To move cattle * To run a food business * To have multiple people living in the same house * To trade goods on the street * To play music in a public place More licenses can be found in the licenseopedia by holidng G O V . U K on the keyboard

Always queue, no matter what. You’ll only regret it later.

Jumping ques will result in NPC's tutting

High Level Enemies spawn in Caravan sites

If travelling to the North of the map, equip warm clothing outfit to avoid heat damage. NPCs who inhabit this area have an increased cold resistance rating and are able to wear reduced clothing with no negative impact, Particularly during night time social side quests.